Judge John Hodgman - Dolly Pardon

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Leann brings the case against her daughter Abbie. Abbie has a collection of creepy dolls in their living room, on top of their piano. Leann thinks the dolls are TOO creepy! She wants Abbie to move them to her room. But Abbie wants them to stay where they are! Who's right?Thanks to reddit user u/Junk_Mutluck for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Dolly Pardon. Leanne brings the case against her daughter, Abby. Abby has a collection of dolls in their living room on top of their piano. Leanne thinks the dolls are too creepy. She wants Abby to move the dolls to her room. Abby says she should be allowed to decorate the piano however she wants because she's the only one who plays it. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

My name is Judgey Johnny, and you better be nice to me. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in. Leanne, Abby, please rise. Wow, that was upsetting. Leanne and Abby, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? Yes. I do. Oh. I do.

Oh, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he insists on calling them action figures? Yes. I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. My name is Judgey Johnny. No, don't do it again.

And I'm beginning to judge you. No. Stop. I hate it. Leanne and Abby, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. And one of your favorites, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom just then when I said those words? Do you want me to say them again?

No. I'm sorry. Leanne or Abby, would you like me to say them again? It might help. Please, no. Okay. Please, God, no. Fair enough. Leanne, why don't we start with you like me to say them again? It might help. Please, no. Please, God, no. Fair enough.

Leanne, why don't we start with you? Do you recognize the quote? Do not recognize it, but the only thing I can think of is possibly from the 2016 movie, The Boy. The Boy. That's a movie about a haunted doll, is it not? I believe so. Yes. that's a movie about a haunted doll is it not i believe so yes uh that's that's one of many many films and stories about scary haunted dolls that's a good guess and i'm putting in the guest book

abby what do you and your haunted dolls guess i'm going to guess it is from a adam sandler movie that is since not very popular, like Happy Gilmore. Okay. I'm surprised, honestly, that Adam Sandler has not done a haunted doll movie. Honestly, that Adam Sandler as a haunted doll, that would be pretty good. Would it be one of the Adam Sandler productions or would it be one of the good movies that he works on as an actor? I think it would have to be one of the productions where he puts all of his friends in it. Who are his friends? David Spade, Chris Rock, and the little feller.

That guy, the first celebrity I ever saw in New York City when I moved here. Rob Schneider? Yeah, that's who it was. Rob Schneider. Saw him in Madison Square Park whistling. First celebrity sighting in New York. Did that bode well? I don't know.

He was preparing for his big heel turn. Strange omen. Yeah, they all play haunted dolls. I think that's really good. That's a good, that's good IP that we generated. Anyway, all guesses are wrong. There are probably some people in the audience who are listening right now who are my age, are like, well, why couldn't you guess that that was talky Tina from the famous Twilight Zone episode, Living Doll. One of the top haunted doll stories, a story about a little

girl and her mom come home from a shopping trip. The mom is remarried to Telly Savalas, which you would think would be a dream, but in fact it's a nightmare because this, Telly Savalas in this one acts like a real jerk and she has a doll called Talky Tina, which is based on a very, very popular doll at that time in the 60s called Chatty Kathy. You pull a little thing and it talks

and goes, my name's Talky Tina and I love you. But then when the girl and the wife are out of the house, Talisa Valas, who hates this doll, starts being grumpy around it. She goes, I'm beginning to hate you. And then she tortures him psychologically. And then, spoiler, he falls down the stairs and eats it. And then the mom finds Talky Tina at the bottom of the stairs.

She goes, my name is Talky Tina. You better be nice to me. It's very scary. Never saw that, Leanne? Never watched The Twilight Zone, Abby? Neither of you? I have watched The Twilight Zone, but Talky Tina, I mean, come on. No, I guess.

The funny thing about it is that Talky Tina was based on the Chatty Cathy doll, which was really, really popular at that time. Same vibe, except not haunted by evil, I don't think. And this is from real Twilight Zone stuff you couldn't get away with anymore. To voice Talky Tina, they hired the same voice actress who had voiced the actual Chatty Cathy doll. You would not be allowed to do that in today's branding environment. And that person's name is June for a, and June for a is one of the most accomplished. Uh, she, she passed away in 2017 at the age of 99. She was one of the most, uh, one of the most, uh, foundational and accomplished

voice artists. She did both the chatty Kathy and the, um, talkie Tina doll, but she also voiced, um, Lucifer and Disney Cinderella. She was Cindy Lou Who in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. She was Grammy for many, many years in the Tweety versus Sylvester cartoons. And also Rocky the Flying Squirrel in Bullwinkle and Rocky. And she started essentially, she created the Annie Awards. There had never been animation awards. There had never been awards for voice actors before the Annie Awards. And had never been animation awards. There had never been awards for voice actors before the Annie Awards. And she created them. And she just worked for her whole life long and then passed away very peacefully in 2017 at the age of 99.

June 4A. Talkie Tina. You better be nice to her. So that's your trip down memory lane. Now let's hear this case. Who seeks justice before this court? I do. And that would be Leanne, yes? Yes. Leanne,

what is the nature of your dispute? Abigail has accumulated quite the creepy doll collection, among other creepy things, on the piano in our living room. And it is right inside the front door. So anybody who comes over is immediately greeted by a very creepy sight. And I would like for you to rule that Abby must move all of the creepy memorabilia into her own room. Okay. And Leanne, you are Abby's mom. Is that correct? That's correct. And Abby, will you confirm that Leanne is your mother?

That's mom. Is that correct? That's correct. And Abby, will you confirm that Leanne is your mother? That's correct. How do you respond? First of all, perfect. Second of all, how do you respond to these charges? sees them and I would even go as far as to claim that my mom is trying to quash my silliness and trying to turn me into something that I'm not and my dolls who are alive deserve to have the eyes of the public on them at all times uh I will I will I will be the judge of the delight that they bring to my eyes and I'm going to look at a photograph of your dolls that we are going to share obviously on our show page at MaximumFun.org as well as our Instagram account at Judge John Hodgman and I am looking at them now and okay well

Jesse Thorne can you please finish the show because I'm going to run away in terror now Jesse Thorne, can you please finish the show because I'm going to run away in terror now. That's the real reason I'm here. People don't know that we record about three times as many episodes as we release because I run away in terror about a third of the time. The other third of the time, I'm just paralyzed with terror. I don't even run away. And Jesse has to take over. I'm looking at this photograph.

It's spectacular. Let me just say it's spectacular abby it has a sort of sick flatness to it that really adds to the terror it's framed perfectly the depth of field is terrifying but it's also spectacular what are we looking at abby if you to count, how many figurines and dolls are loaded atop this? It looks to me like it's a stand-up piano. Is that correct? Yes, Your Honor. I don't have a picture with me, but I would say around 20, if you're counting the disembodied head and leg and arm and the cardboard cutout of Nick Carter and his mid thirties and forties. I would count all of those things for sure. Yes. Uh,

yes. Uh, everyone needs to stop driving while listening to this pull over and, uh, and bring up the show page or the Instagram. Cause this is, this is a remarkable collection and one that I really appreciate. And there are also,

so there are about, I'm going to describe it this way. There are about about 20 figurines including the disembodied head etc i would say two-thirds or maybe a little higher percentage are the kind of um your classic frilly china doll face creepy doll style um with frilly dresses there is a cardboard cut out of nick carter in his 30s there are a couple of other style of dolls like this a kind of almost kewpie style doll and um then there's one doll and she isn't wearing a dress she's just down to her basic doll structure and she's got she's sitting there with a another doll's head in her lap and then there's

a kind of like an animal of some kind maybe i can close close in on that on that little animal there it's not there uh but i do have some close-ups on some of the different dolls i'm gonna i'm gonna mention their names do they all have different personalities abby oh quite absolutely the main personalities you want to look out for are Ruth and Delilah. Yeah, I'm going to get to them last. That's called a tease in podcast land. I'm going to mention a couple of names first, and you can tell me a little bit about them. Does that sound all right to you? Yes, Your Honor. All right. Prudence. Tell me about Prudence is the perfect Victorian child, meant to be seen but not heard. I just quoted the tag that is on the side of the doll.

She is absolutely beautiful, and all she does is sit there. She's the perfect Victorian child. You're saying this is the one doll that does not get up in the middle of the night and wander the house? Probably. She just sits there? Yeah. Veronica? Oh, Veronica is new to the family.'s a bit spicy i'd say you know she has some sass to her what's the kind of thing

veronica would say get out of my house okay jesse back over to you that didn't sound like your voice abby or was that leanne trying to make a case for herself it was not me it was abigail okay yeah that's uh that's a spicy haunted doll okay what about betty there's a close-up of betty betty has has very cool tousled hair. Tousled hair? I don't know how you say that word. You know what I'm saying. Yes. So Betty is very interesting. She came to me bald and was very insecure about being bald. The hair that you see is a wig that I made out of my sister's ex-boyfriend and her hair.

And I worked very hard on it. And the back of her head has a rat tail that is made out of my friend's hair. And she is living happily now with a full head of beautiful, real hair. And this is a combination of your sister's hair, her boyfriend's hair, and your friend's hair. Is that right? Yes, your honor. Looks amazing. It looks amazing. This is, everyone's going to be clamoring for the Betty. That's going to be the haircut of the decade. Head hair?

Head hair. Classic head hair. And now here we go. Delilah and Ruth, these two. We were already talking about them before. What can you tell me about them? Delilah and Ruth have a presence that you can only understand if you're there with them. They do not like to be moved or touched they need respect to be left alone um they absolutely love

sitting on the piano and they are best friends my mom likes to pull off delilah's hair and yell wig and that makes delilah very angry i have to do a lot of groveling with Delilah and Ruth just not to do anything bad to my mother. Leanne, do you take off Delilah's hair and say wig? I have in the past. I have not in quite a while since Abby has stressed to me the distress that that causes the doll and Abigail herself. What about fear for your own life? Why would you take that risk? I didn't really understand the gravity of the situation at the time when I was doing that. Abby really let me know that it's not okay.

And so I haven't done it since. Abby, would it be fair? And would it offend you if I say these are some creepy dolls? No, they're absolutely creepy all right we're on the same page then okay good and what do you think ruth and delilah would get up to if they were if they were moved murder okay fair enough fair enough so leanne why could you not possibly want this collection of creepy dolls on your, on your piano. Um, I think the picture speaks for itself. I think it is a wonderful array that Abby can keep in her own space.

I think forcing the entire family to, um, witness the monstrosity is just not, um, something I'm interested in doing any longer. Let me understand that you say the entire family. Now, Abby is your daughter. She's 20. Is that correct, Abby? Yes, your honor.

All right. How many other siblings are there? Abby has two siblings. And what age order are we talking? Ava is 22 and Olivia is 15 15 and they all live in the house they do yes are you empowered to speak for them have they sent you as their emissary do they have the same issue with these dolls so um i sent in two writings um ava basically wrote in and said that she is terrified to move the dolls. Um, and Olivia wrote in and stated that, um, they are on my side and would like them moved. So one of them is terrified

to move them and the other, and so is arguing that they should stay. Correct. But is also terrified by them. Correct. I see. And the other... Ah! Sorry. I was looking for those affidavits and I scrolled down and I realized I missed one. I didn't see Debbie down here at the bottom of the page.

Who's got a truly Joker-like smile. Who is Debbie? Abby. Debbie is Debbie, Abby? Debbie is a doll that my mom actually gifted me. She looks very similar to my boss named Debbie from when I worked at Savers, who was my favorite boss and the reason why I have a lot of these dolls. And I just think it's interesting that she gifts me one of the creepiest ones and then it's like Abby you gotta move them you know yeah this is not a traditional like sort of porcelain faced china doll this is like a big caricature doll with a with a like a mold a molded plasticine

head with a frozen rictus of a smile and when you say that debbie reminds you of your favorite boss at savers is that because you captured her soul in essence and trapped it in debbie honestly i haven't seen my boss debbie since so i can't answer that with certainty but um you know she looks like a caricature of my boss thank you for your frankness i'll let the mystery be then. So Olivia and Ava both have their own issues with this. How long has the display of dolls been there? Well, we moved into the house in 2019. And it began around that time when Abigail started working at Savers. Like she said, it's a thrift store

and it started with one and then it just kind of accumulated from there. So it's been a few years. Are these dolls that you mostly got from work at the thrift store? Abby, where are you picking them up? Yes, sir. 90% of them are from Savers, But once I bought one, my co-workers started to gift them to me. So I didn't even buy most of them. I started to become known around the workplace for loving the dolls, and I would receive them as gifts. And I just think it's disingenuous to move them. Okay. And Leanne, when did the collection start getting out of hand, in your opinion?

I feel like once she began to make a wig for the dolls, once she began to bring home body parts like legs and head. Doll body parts. I mean, there are body parts in the form of the human hair that she used to make the wig. But when you say legs and stuff, you're talking about doll legs. I am talking about doll legs as far as I know. But they're made from human body parts. You'd have to ask Abby. Sure.

Such as her sister's ex-boyfriend's body. Yes. The one who went to terror. Who no longer lives in the home. Yeah. There's, I think between the one that has the doll hair, Debbie, and the clown that moves,

it's kind of a musical one. And so sometimes when you open and close the front door, you'll hear just a creepy music for a minute and the clown will be moving. Those ones are my least favorite. Why is the clown moving on its own when the door opens? Because he's warning you. Okay. What is the warning? Don't come in? Not quite sure. You just have to listen to your heart, your honor.

And Leanne, if you had to guess, aside from obviously the doll warning us, is there a mechanical element to the musical clown that triggers it to play when the door opens? I'm not sure. I think, yeah, it perhaps is not completely unwound, and then the movement triggers it. I'm not really sure. It's not just when the door opens and closes, Your Honor. Oh, when else does it? When you need to hear it. It plays when I need to hear it?

Yeah. Does it do it when you're playing the piano? It does do it when I'm playing the piano. Uh-huh. It does it sometimes when i'm watching tv late at night where is the clown in this photo um on the far right the one closest to the door a gray no he's green oh green he's like a nightmarish harlequin. Yes. Oh, okay. I see now. I got it now. Does he have a name? No.

I only named the ones that come to me. Got it. So he's withholding his name currently. Yes, your honor. All right. And I noticed that there are a couple of decorated crucifixes hung above the dolls. Maybe I should have asked about those. Yes. Those are my crucifixes hung above the dolls. Maybe I should have asked about those. Yes, those are my crucifixes.

I really love crosses. And my favorite movie is the 2018 movie The Nun. And I decorated them both in honor of that movie. Now, I've not seen The Nun, but i believe it's part of the conjuring universe yes sir there are a series of interconnected films that started with the movie the conjuring directed by david wan following the uh the exploits of paranormal investigators ed and lorraine warren real life paranormal investigators who uh until recently had in their possession in a museum in their home in connecticut what they believe to be a haunted doll called Annabelle, who is the inspiration for the Annabelle movies, which are part of the Conjuring universe.

Is that correct? Just correct, Your Honor. And were you aware that that museum is closed now? I am aware of that. Were you one of the people who tried to sneak into that museum after it was closed? No, but I've dreamt about it. All right. Everything's falling perfectly into place.

Judge Hodgman, just for your information, because I know you're an atheist. Most people who say, I love crosses, it's because of their association with a particular horror film. Let's take a quick recess and hear about this week's judge john hodgman sponsor we'll be back in just a moment on the judge john hodgman podcast hello i'm your judge john hodgman the judge john hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you our members of course thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that

most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck. Made-in, made-in.

Riders of Rohan, duck! What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in. Made-in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron,

the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up

to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've

learned in the real world and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Let me ask you this, Abby. Are you familiar with the haunted doll Robert in Key West, Florida? No.

Okay. I'm going to share this one with you. You're going to like this. One of the original top haunted dolls that was an inspiration for many a haunted doll story is Robert, Robert, who was an old German steifdahl, a rare steifdahl in the sense that he was in the shape of a human boy as opposed to a bear or another animal. And he belonged to a painter in Key West named Robert Eugene Otto. And he's still on display there. And I believe anyone who sees him has negative things happen to them afterwards.

Only when you see them in person. I'm going to send this over to you jesse and valerie the picture of robert it's a very creepy it's a very creepy doll holding a very creepy doll robert is holding his own little stuffed little dog doll and they're both very scary to me honestly i find him charming you find him charming he's got a nice sailor's outfit on i'd have robert in my house no no sweat um in any case the creepy the creepy doll motif has a long history both in uh in film and television and obviously in your living room leanne and abby abby these dolls used to be in your room is that? They got moved out when this house guest came? No, I started collecting them when she already lived there. Got it. Okay.

So they have never been in my room. This is their home then. They've never been displaced before. That is so right. This is their home. And they're there on the piano. You play the piano? I do. I am a musician and I love to play the piano and I love to play a lot of other instruments. And my mom absolutely loves to hear me play. Leanne, how do you respond to that accusation? Do you love to hear Abby play? Yes, I do very much so. She's a very great musician.

What kind of songs do you play? Phil Collins songs? I mean, occasionally I like to make covers of songs that I like. Just play anything. How often do you play the piano? Every single day. And where did the piano come from? The one that's in the living room used to be my grandpa's and was at his house until it got moved to ours. Okay. Does it have a personality? Does your grandpa live in the piano? No, he doesn't.

He lives in Orem, I think. But the piano's name is Diego. Oh, okay. What is Diego's personality? He's just a piano, John. Sorry. You're right. Stupid of me to ask.

Oh, John, you blew that one. I know. I don't know what I was even saying. John, do you need me to come in john you blew that one i know i don't want to say what was i even saying john do you need me to come in and host the rest of the show yeah you're right i'm i'm gonna i'm not running away in horror i'm slouching away in shame what's your favorite song to play and sing um i am really into playing the piano and harmonica at the same time. I really like to play, I'm learning the promised land by Bruce Springsteen right now. And I like to learn songs that my family likes.

Like my mom really loves the band Lake street dive. And so I do covers of that and I do K-pop songs and such. You ever cover the song tubular bells? No. Tubular Bells is a song by Mike Oldfield that was used in the soundtrack for The Exorcist. Your dolls might like it. It's very creepy. I'll look into it.

Yeah. Tubular Bells. Leanne, what'd you do to deserve a child like this? Well, I'm lucky enough to have Abby as a child. She's super creative and fun, and I love it. And I just want to go back and say I in no way want to quash her silliness. We are very close. We're best friends.

We hang out all the time. I love being silly with her. I just can't handle the creepy any longer. Do they scare you? Slightly, but I have gotten really good at avoiding it. You know how when you have something in your own house, sometimes you don't really notice it? Right. I don't really notice it unless I am possibly having company come over. Right. And I've always said that once we have our own home, you can decorate your room however you like it.

I have not made her take down her Nicolas Cage pillow that is facing out in the window to the street. So anyone walking by can see a giant Nicolas Cage pillow. Is it head only or a full body pillow? It is head only. Oh, okay. Where's the body? Yeah. What'd you do with the body, Abby?

What'd you do with Nicolas body abby what'd you do with nicholas cage's body i'll never tell okay made it into doll parts made it in doll parts yeah that's quite a sacrifice i would say an outward facing nicholas cage head in the window i would say for sure leanne what else what else have you enabled of of all your kids um i mean in general i just i allow them to be themselves. I think it's great that they're individuals. It's just encroaching on my own mental sanity at this point. Oh, really? A bunch of creepy dolls on top of a piano the moment you walk in? Abby, do you intend to be getting more dolls and add more dolls to the pile of dolls?

Well, to put it short, yes. What rate, Abby, would you say these dolls are going to be coming into this house? One a week, one a month, one a what? Well, ever since I stopped working at Savers, they've been coming in a lot slower. Probably once every four months. And you feel the dolls don't want to live in your room? No, they don't. I have a family of fake skeletons that live in my room where the dolls would go,

and they are also alive, and they would not get along with my dolls, especially not Ruth or Delilah. This is a whole new group. It's now the Ballad of Rats and Dolls and Skulls. Yes, sir. How large are the skeletons? Full-size skeletons? No, they're the size of toddlers.

Mandy and Giselle, they're married. Sure, that's okay. Now, Jessie, you got to take over again. That just chilled me to the... My heart is ice now. I can't pump blood because of the ice in my heart. Where are you putting these skeletons? They're on the dresser that is the only place that otherwise the dolls would go.

I procured all of them except for my skeleton Manny while I was in... An orphanage in Latvia. While I was in inpatient care for my mental health, they just kept coming to me. And now I have a beautiful family, Manny and Giselle, their son Stanley Derek, their doctor Doc, their cousin Aldo, and their chef Gino, and their scarecrow friend Lasagna. Lasagna or Lasonia? Lasagna. Okay, got it. Scarecrow friend lasagna. Lasagna or lasonia? Lasagna. Okay, got it. Scarecrow friend lasagna.

And the scarecrow's a skeleton as well? No. Okay. He is a scarecrow head. With the body of Nicolas Cage? Sorry, go ahead. Scarecrow head with what? Taped to a stick.

Oh, right. Now I understand this affidavit from your sister ava because i was looking at this a minute ago and i couldn't quite parse what was going on here because i hadn't heard about this family of skeletons ava wrote in to say i didn't want to choose a side when it came to this but if i'm being honest the dolls scare me i'm genuinely worried that if we displace them or try to relocate them there will be trouble i'm worried the whole energy of the house will shift since they're so temperamental if moved the place where the dolls would end up is near some skeletons they have beef with that was a sentence i didn't understand until just now now i understand it very well ava goes on now i'm not saying the skeletons are alive as well

but making the dolls angry is not something i want to deal with ever. Abigail has built up the doll's power so much that in my mind, they'll do something super spooky. I've moved to her room. Even guests know not to move with dolls when they come over. My friend Jeff once said that he doesn't look the dancing one in the eyes because he's scared. She'll come to life and attack him like an angry goose. Overall.

I don't really want to mess with the powers that may or may not be on the off chance that something really will happen. That's Ava. It's a tie in this household, Leanne, right? Because Olivia and you want those dolls out of there, and Ava and Abby obviously want the dolls to stay. And Ava is terrified. That's correct. I feel like I should get two votes, though, since it's my home. Oh, right. You're the adult. But they're all adults. Except for Olivia.

Except for Olivia. There are three adults living there. And it sounds to me, Abby, like you plan to be living there for a while still. It's not like you're planning to move out anytime soon, right? Oh, no. I love living with my family. Yeah. Sounds terrific. Your family and your dolls and your rats and your skeletons.

They're all part of the family. Sincerely. Sorry, may I also add that I think the dolls are just an example of a bigger issue, which is that my mom doesn't know how to let go and have a little fun sometimes.

Whoa. Wow. Holy cow. Objection, Your Honor. I'm super fun. Sustained. What is your response to that? Do you not know how to let go and have fun sometimes, Leanne? I mean, there are times when fun is not appropriate, but I feel like I'm pretty fun, especially with Abby. I think we have a lot of fun. Specificity is the soul of narrative. Describe one fun thing you have ever done with your child. I'm not good under pressure. We laugh and sing songs all the time. We're pretty silly. Yeah, but Abby is saying that's not true. Abby, can you give me some evidence of your mom not being able to cut loose and have fun? Because I think there's a distinction from being freaked out by dolls and not being able to have fun.

Yes. So me and my mom spend a very large amount of time together she can be fun occasionally we never were with each other but she takes on um the responsibilities of her job very intensely and and for some reason it always seems to be end of quarter at her job and she's always running around saying it's end of quarter i can't do this right now um and you know i just i just think that she needs to worry less about end of quarter and worry more about shaking that rump you know worry less about end of quarter i'm gonna write that down i'm gonna write that down i'm gonna needle point that a piece of quilting fabric absolutely worry less about end of quarter worry more and think more about shaking that rump leanne

can't be end of quarter all the time i'm gonna laser etch that into a worn block of wood and sell it to ross home goods i'm gonna paint i'm gonna paint it on a piece of of wood and sell it to Ross Home Goods. I'm going to paint it on a piece of driftwood and hang it in my cottage. I'm going to license that to our friend Liz Gilbert. See what she gets for an advance. Yeah, it's already hit. I just got a notification. It just hit the

best seller list. Number one. We'll take half, Liz. She did the work of writing the book. She did the work of writing the book. She did the work of writing the book, of course. Well, you know, we've got to give royalties to Abby, obviously. No. Whoa, Jesse Thorne. Wow. No, I must insist.

She signed the contract before she came on. We own this. No, we don't. I'm not afraid to sue. Leanna can't be end of quarter all the time, but you have a job. I do have a job. And I have, I'm a single mother of three children, two adult children that I'm trying to maintain the household for. Obviously there are times when I am needing to be serious and an adult. And so I believe that's Abby's reaction to me not always being able to chill out and hang out. There are times when it's just not possible. Yeah.

You have a job. And that job is to be whatever you are professionally and also to be a mom. Right. Do Olivia or Ava also have collections that are spilling out into the house? No, they do not. Do they feel edged out in any way by Abby's collections and the dolls? Do they feel like, I wish I had some space on that piano to put my, I don't know, what's the scariest thing you can think of? My jar of mummified voles? Well, I mean, in addition to the dolls, Abby also has her cousin's teeth in a container on the piano. On the piano? I think that's pretty creepy.

No, they're in my room. Oh, okay. It's in my DNA bucket. Would you explain what a DNA bucket is is please of course your honor thank you um my dna bucket is a collection of my family and friends dna such as hair fingernail clippings a sock that was worn for a long time and got sweaty and then was never washed in case I need to make voodoo dolls, make a wig, sell some teeth online. Sure. Wait, this is a money-making scheme?

You never know. I don't know why you're raising your eyebrows. You just about to steal Abby's IP and sell it to Liz Gilbert. I mean, my plan was a good plan. This isn't about my plan. Everyone my plan was a good plan. This isn't about my plan. Everyone knows it was a good plan. So, Leanne, you've heard that these dolls have

beef with these skeletons. Is there any other place where the dolls can go that wouldn't disrupt the delicate balance of rat skeletons and dolls and feelings? Not that I can think of. I think they just belong in, if she wants to make her room a creepy environment, I'm all for that. The crosses can also go in her room. I would like you

to rule that as well. I also gasped, Abby. It's not really the theme that I want for my living room. What theme do you want for your living room? I haven't even really had a chance to really decide that. We haven't decorated because right after we moved in, it was COVID and there was a leak in the roof. And so it's been quite challenging. And then all of a sudden I look over and we have a giant doll collection along with Nick Carter. Yeah, the Nick Carter thing. Can you explain that, Abby?

along with Nick Carter. Yeah, the Nick Carter thing. Can you explain that, Abby? I feel like every time I look at this image, there's something else I want to ask about. I have a deep, deep love for the Backstreet Boys, Your Honor. Nick Carter is my favorite member of the Backstreet Boys, and I received that cardboard cutout from my mom, who for some reason likes to give me things and then pretend like she didn't give them to me.

So there he is. He's just old. And there. Well, he's just in his mid-30s. Come on. He's not old. Boy, oh boy. Put me in my grave.

Oh, he's 43, actually. That photo is from him in his mid-30s. but he's 43. He's a grown-up. This is a hard one, I got to say. your room far away from the skeletons a good doll shelf you know what i mean a good you know what i mean by a good creepy doll shelf yeah a good hearty shelf good hearty shelf exactly thank you abby and it just happened to be there and it wasn't going to be encroaching on any skeleton turf if you were to move those dolls in there. I know how the dolls would feel vengeful. How would you feel? You're making me tear up right now. Um, uh, I would be devastated. The, the dolls just along with being alive, bring me so much joy being able to play the piano while looking at them. Um, I think that my mom needs to take into account that sometimes the driving force for me to continue practicing my music is that I get to bring joy to the dolls and I get to look at the dolls when I'm playing in the living room.

And just logistically speaking, the piano can't fit into your room or can it? I have my own keyboard that is in my room, but... But it doesn't have any creepy dolls on it to look at? It doesn't, and it's not big enough for all of the dolls, and the piano in the living room is the one that I really love to play. You consider the creepy dolls to be like Liberace's candelabra. Yes, or like Gandalf's wand. That was a nice save.

Not an Abby show unless the dolls are on the piano. Exactly. Aretha Franklin's purse. That was a nice cultural reference save there, Abby, because obviously no one knows who Liberace is anymore. Do you know why Aretha Franklin brought her purse on stage with her and put it on the piano for every show? No. Why? Because she got paid in advance in cash for every show. She put it in the purse and brought it on stage with her. There we go. You know what? I respect that, Jesse. I respect that. Possible anecdote for one of your books, Liz.

Abby. We get half. that possible anecdote for one of your books liz abby we get half what is it again think less about end of quarter think more about shaking your rump um yes sir it was shaking that rump shaking that rump okay yeah sorry valerie uh but do you hear your do you hear your mom's concern that it doesn't fit in with her vision for the living room? How do you respond to that, Abby? My mom is very constantly embarrassed of the way that our front yard and our house looks at all times. And I honestly don't think she has any plans to decorate anytime soon. She just is kind of panicking and running around about how ugly our house is, but doesn't really do anything about it. Well, so she's she's got a she's got a job and she's she's taking care of at least one minor child.

There's a lot of responsibilities that your mom has too. Wouldn't you agree, Leanne? I would agree. And Leanne, what's wrong with your front yard now? So since we've moved in, it's been one issue after another. We had to get our roof replaced right after we moved in, and it resulted in plenty of leaks. There was no sprinklers, and the hose connection was broken, so I wasn't able to water our lawn. So our lawn has died, and a big storm came and blew over the big tree that we had in our yard.

So I am planning on doing something with it. I just haven't figured out what we want to do. Does it seem to you like this house is cursed? I'd never really thought about it, but now, you know. I'm just trying to draw a connection here that maybe there's some things that's going wrong in this house over and over again. It's possible. I don't want to throw more gasoline into the fire,

but I do have my own ghost named Clint. Don't you? You do have your own what now? My own ghost. His name is Clint. And is Clint a helpful house genie or a poltergeist? Oh, he's not evil at all. We went to his psychic.

He is real. I am going to tell this really quickly. I accidentally summoned him on a trip to California. He died when he was 17 years old, 40 years ago. He's from Germany, but he died on a trip to California. He used to live with me in the basement that I slept in our last house and now has moved into this new house. And is sometimes around, sometimes not. But the psychic said that he is not evil.

He is neutral and that if I keep him around, he may bring me money. What's his relationship to this frog down here? And then Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. Are they friends? Do they hang out? Frenemies? No. Clint doesn't like to leave my room.

So he just hangs out with, you know, the rats, the skeletons, etc. But this is... So you're saying that if the house is haunted at all, it's not an evil haunting? No, not at all. I got you. He's not poking holes in the roof, Clint. No. Okay. He loves home decoration as much as the next guy.

So this is a relatively new home for you. Obviously, things Leanne got put on pause because of lockdown and the early years of the pandemic. What does this home represent to you? I think my kids were adults by the time I was able to afford my own home. But it was a pretty big deal because we previously rented and I was always really nervous about putting holes in the walls or decorating in a certain way. So I was pretty excited to allow my kids to be able to express themselves in their own room, in their own way. I noticed you said in their own room very pointedly. Yes. Um, and it's true. I have not yet, um, decorated or figured out a true aesthetic for the home, um, yet, but you know, I work a lot. I do, I do work a lot and there's a lot of things going on with the house. And so, uh, that's next on my list. Do you worry about encroachment?

That is to say that Abby or other members of your household are going to end up decorating this house before you have a chance to? No. Abby's sibling, Olivia, and I actually have some plans in the works kind of how to decorate. Olivia is taking an interior design class. And so they're helping me come up with some ideas. And Olivia, they're the one who's on your side about getting rid of these dolls. Correct. Yeah.

And Olivia says in their affidavit, when my mother says she is embarrassed to have people come over and see this collection of scary dolls, I understand. I feel her shame about these dolls. Is that true? Do you feel shame about these dolls? You know, to be honest, I haven't had a whole lot of people, my friends over is since the pandemic and stuff. So I would say that I had a co-worker that came over to drop something off. I was down in the basement,

so I didn't actually let him in. But Olivia answered the door and kind of just... Were you in the basement or the third sub-basement? I was in the basement in my home office. And then a door opened and then you went into that basement too? Did you see the movie Barbarian? I did not.

Yeah, scary movie. Okay, you have a home office in the basement. Someone came by to drop something off. And I was quite relieved that I wasn't up there and I didn't have to invite him in and explain the doll collection. But he did mention the pillow, the Nicolas Cage pillow, and then

every once in a while he'll text me and ask me how Nicolas Cage is pillow. And then every once in a while, he'll text me and ask me how Nicholas Cage is doing. And I would say that most people, you know, they really want to decorate their home how they want to. And most people wouldn't allow a Nicholas Cage pillow to be the first thing that you saw as you came up to the front door. You could have had a whole episode about that Nicholas Cage pillow, but you're saying that you don't have a problem with that. Well, I wouldn't say I don't have a problem with it, but it fits within the scope of what I've agreed to allow my kids to do, which is decorate their room however they want.

Oh, so whose room faces the street? It's not in the living room window. It is in Abigail's bedroom window, but it is right by the front door. So you can't miss it. So anyone walking by our house sees the Nicolas Cage pillow. And to me, it seems like it would look absurd if I was walking by. And it's probably people in the neighborhood are talking about it. But I've allowed them to decorate their room.

people in the neighborhood are talking about it, but I've allowed them to decorate their room. And so I, even though I ask her politely, please take it down. I respect that she does not want to take it down. But this piano, if people are not clear, is right inside the main living room inside, right? It's the first thing you see when you open the front door. Correct. And the first thing you hear is that creepy clown music. Sometimes, yes. Well, you hear that Abby says she would be devastated if I were to order those dolls moved. How does that make you feel? It's not my intent to devastate Abigail. It's not my intent to quash any of her joy or silliness. I absolutely love her silliness and her joy, but I do feel like her stated devastation is one part of the reason why I haven't forced her to move the dolls, but rather brought her on here so that she could hear a- Oh, so the dolls would be mad at me. Yeah.

So the dolls, all right, I got you. So Abby will be devastated and it'll be my fault and then the dolls are going to come get me. And then Clint's not going to be so neutral either, I got you. So Abby will be devastated and it'll be my fault. And then the dolls are going to come get me. And then Clint's not going to be so neutral either. I have a feeling. Once that gavel goes down, trying to get out of this scot-free. That is true. You're calling me in like Max von Sydow in The Exorcist. Fix this problem for me.

I would say probably that is correct. Tubular bells, Jesse Thorne, tubular bells. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Leanne, how are you feeling about your chances here? Leanne, how are you feeling about your chances here? I don't know. I'm on the fence. I think the judge seems like a rational adult, but also he seems a little bit scared of the dolls.

So I don't know. It could go either way. Abby, how do you feel? I feel like the right decision is going to be made. I feel like John Hodgman has realized that my mom has brought him in so that he has to take the brunt of the evil from the dolls. And that is very selfish of her. I feel like I am extremely adorable and likable and no one would want to ever hurt my feelings. And I am a big fan of yours. Thank you. Jessie. Yeah, I wouldn't to ever hurt my feelings. And I am a big fan of yours. Thank you.

Jessie. Yeah, I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. It's not the kind of thing I'm into. Maybe John Hodren wants to hurt people's feelings. Maybe that's his thing. Not me. I'm a nice guy. Nice to everybody.

Leanne, if you could like put one thing on top of the piano, what would it be? A nice shawl, a candelabra Liberace style? A doily? No. A purse full of money? I would probably have a purse full of money, yes. That would be great. We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about this when we come back in just a second. Hello, teachers and faculty.

This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, what have you got going on right now? Well, you know, nothing. It's not that I have nothing going on, but it would be a violation of the work stoppage order that I am honoring as a member of the Writers Guild of America East, to promote struck productions. Therefore, there are things that I have worked on that I've mentioned before on this podcast that I am not going to cross a picket line to speak about right now. Because the Writers Guild of America chapters East and West, as you may have heard, as of this recording are on strike. They've been fighting for weeks before the expiration of their contract, longer than weeks, to try to secure a system of compensation, particularly in the streaming era that would provide writers with more stable and

predictable and better compensated work in a very, very highly profitable industry. And the associated movie and television producers would rather that contract expire than to make concessions such as prohibiting the use of AI on union jobs. So that is to say, the WGA went to the producers and the studios and said, if it's a union contract job, we don't want you to use chatbots to create storylines. We don't want you to use chatbots to replace us. We don't want you to take our work and feed it into language learning models so that later on they can get better and then replace us. And the studio said, no, we want to do that. to language learning models so that later on they can get better and then replace us. And the studio said, no, we want to do that.

To be fair, John, they said they would be willing to have an annual meeting on the subject. Yeah, that's right. Their counter was, let's have an annual meeting on the state of emerging technology. Not sufficient. And so as of the 2nd of May, writers have been on strike, including me. I am a member of the WGA and have been for many years, and I'm a proud member of a union that is willing to go to the mats for its membership. You know, a lot of people have ideas that people in the WGA are all high powered, highly paid, do nothing script doctors and just rake it in and eat a lot of craft services. And the truth is that the membership is really, really increasingly diverse and most of the membership does not make a lot of money. And all of the membership contributes

an imaginable amount of value by making things up out of nothing for people to act and film and put on television. So it's really, really important. I believe in the WGA when they say that this is an existential crisis for writers. I believe in strong unions. I think every industry should have one. It's hard to be on strike and it's hard for everyone. I hope it doesn't last too long, but I hope that everyone is aware of why it's happening. And on strike and it's hard for everyone. I hope it doesn't last too long, but I hope that everyone is aware of why it's happening. And if you don't know why or don't understand or have more questions, this sounds like self-promotion, but it's the easiest thing for me to say is go to my link in bio, as they say, my link tree, linktr.ee slash Hodgman.

Go to my Instagram account. It's in my bio or whatever. And I linked to all of the information about the WGA strike there, and you can learn about it and, and spread the word. I mean, let people know as the strike goes on, if it goes on longer, if it's, I hope it's resolved by the time I say this, but if it goes on longer, um, people will want to know what's happening. And so, uh, I just want to make you aware of what's going on. And I'd add that if you want to support artists who are affected by this strike, you can go to entertainmentcommunity.org and support the Entertainment Community Fund, who are supporting not just writers, but also other people whose work is affected by this strike, who are a significant number of people across the

entertainment industry who are standing in solidarity to support the writers and their guild. So go to entertainmentcommunity.org and you can choose under gift designation to support film and television. Yeah, it's a great organization. Thank you, Jesse, for letting them know. Anything you got going on you want to talk about? Well, there is no strike of public radio hosts who own their show anyway. I'm glad to hear it. Bullseye marches on, as does Judge John Hodgman, I'm very grateful to say, because our show is associated with a network that is good. because our show is associated with a network that is good. We've got some stuff recorded long before the strike,

including a great interview with the amazing Stanley Tucci. And coming up next week, something really special with Lonnie Liston-Smith, one of the great jazz keyboardists of all time and just the most delightful and charming man ever. Oh, and Mary Steenburgen, who's now my best friend. Yes. We're getting married. Sorry, Ted Danson and my wife, who I love. Oh my goodness. This is a real plot twist in the Judge John Hodgman bored to death universe.

Getting married to Mary Steenburgen. Wow. Okay. She's the greatest lady ever. That's one of your weddings I will attend. We'll be back in just a second on Judge John Hodgman. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

There are a lot of ways to commit this case. On the one hand, this is an issue of shared space. You know, whether it's romantic partners, roommates, parents, children, you know, you're always going to have conflict over shared space. Some people, as we've discussed in the podcast before, have different senses of what is tidy and what is clean. And so, for example, if you are married to me, you might not see how pairs of shoes all over the place makes me feel like I'm going to trip all the time. You might not see those shoes at all. Similarly, you know, you get used to seeing things in a home.

People get used to putting their things down in certain places. Might not be where you would want them to be, but you're sharing the house with these people. And that ends up happening. I mean, we're going into it and this is also as an empty nest element to it. That is to say, my family is about to go into an empty nest stage where for a period of time, at least both of our adult children will be out of the home and there is this sense of how much do we reclaim it how much do we um how much do we uh uh how much do we reclaim what hang on a second what am i even talking about leave all this in the dolls are staying because i'm scared that's

what's happening trying to wrap all this stuff up in some kind of thing. The dolls are scary. I don't want to move them. I don't want to be the person to move them. I don't want this job, Leanne. No. Thank you so much, Judge Joan Hodgman. Well, hang on. Of course. Abby, of course. I'm not your

exorcist, right? Because first of all, I'm scared of the dolls. Second of all, in the exorcist, right? Because first of all, I'm scared of the dolls. Second of all, in The Exorcist, Reagan, the girl in The Exorcist was inhabited by Satan. And Abby's just likable. There's no comparison here. If your daughter were inhabited by Satan, then i would be like well i'm not the one to do it because i'm not max von cito but maybe get an exorcist in but this is a person expressing joy you know look you know as well as ava and olivia know that abby is unquashable

no one's gonna quash abby's silliness. It's not possible. And Abby is singular. And how did you put it, Abby? Adorable. And adorable. Thank you. Now, I have a lot of sympathy for you, Leanne. This is a new home.

This is a fresh start. This is a fresh start that was delayed due to pandemic reasons due to new roof reasons due to a series of of weirdly catastrophic events that may or may not be a curse one of those dolls is probably responsible for it one of them but i can't say which one i'm not i'm not a doll whisperer right jesse are you no sir. I understand your frustration because you are an adult. You have raised two children to quote unquote legal adulthood and one more is coming right behind. You've done incredible work and you're obviously a very supportive mom and parent and you definitely deserve a room of your own in the Virginia Woolf sense, a sense of space that is yours to curate as you see fit. And to a degree, it is unfair that these dolls just started colonizing the top of this piano before you and Olivia had a chance to decorate the whole home.

decorate the whole home. And the way it is unfair too, because I think that you know that when people come into this house and they see a bunch of creepy dolls on top of a piano, unless they know your family already, in which case it would be like, oh, those must be Abby's.

Mostly people are going to be like, that's got to be hers. It's got to belong to Leanne. She must love these bananas dolls. I agree that it's not fair, but it's where we're at now. The dolls are there. The dolls have made their home there. And Abby is very invested in them being there. And Abby has made compelling emotional arguments for why they cannot share space with Clint the rats and the skeleton crew and I know that it's very hard but unfortunately I feel like the best thing for everyone is for the dolls to maintain this annex on top of the

piano until Abby is ready in conversation with the dolls to move them now Abby I think that you need to respect that your mom is being forced into what already existed as a de facto compromise that I'm now making official by allowing this to continue and that your mom deserves to have space and deserves to decorate her house and her, the shared space of the house that she has purchased for you all to live in. She deserves to, to have ownership of it as well. The house does not belong to the dolls. I know the dolls probably were going to kill me just for saying that. And I apologize, but I will stand up to them this far, which is to say the house is not theirs.

but I will stand up to them this far, which is to say the house is not theirs. And you need to respect that your mom, your mom's style is different than yours. She does have a quarter to consider, an end of quarter to consider. And it's part of her style is to think about the end of quarter as well as thinking about shaking that rump. And's a balance that you need that you need to respect so i am i am suggesting to you and i know that these dolls come into your life somewhat um providentially they they kind of they they just sort of show up from friends and so forth right but i think that it's important that this doll, there's a very thin line between a collection and a horde, and that is display capability. I do think that you've reached maximum doll display capability on this piano. I think this colony of dolls is stable.

I think this colony of dolls is powerful. And I would urge you to do nothing to disrupt this colony of dolls. Either by taking any away, moving them, or adding any at this point. Yes, sir. Is that acceptable to you, Abby? Absolutely. And

please communicate with them that I'm standing up to them, but I don't want any problems. You have nothing to worry about, Judge Sean Hodgman. Okay, good. So Leanne, I know this might be a disappointment to you. That's an understatement. But you have three very special children, and you have a house that is trying to balance everybody in there. And I think right now these dolls are part of that balance. That may change in the future, but right now it's part of the balance.

And I wouldn't want to upset it for not just reasons of doll vengeance, but just for emotional balance as well. This is the sound of a gavel. I got a haunted doll watch. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Leanne, how do you feel? I'm actually in shock and very disappointed and sad, but happy for Abby.

Do you think there's anything you can do for yourself, like just self-care type stuff? I'll try. Maybe put a candle over up there in addition to the dolls? There's no room for anything else, unfortunately. Abby, how do you feel? I feel like the correct choice was made. I do have sympathy for my mother. And I will not let my collection become a hoard.

But I think we all know that this ended the way it was supposed to. Leanne, I am sorry that you're disappointed. Is there anything that I could order as compensation? Can we at least move the crosses and maybe the voodoo stuff? I think that the crucifixes are a part of, should be a part of negotiation. Okay. Can I order Abby to help you with any other projects in the home that need help? Can I order Abby to help you with any other projects in the home that need help? There's just so many projects. I mean, there's nothing I can think of right now.

I'm actually very, very surprised and shocked. And I can't really think of anything except that I'm going to have to live with those dolls. And I have a smidge of regret for coming on here because now i have to abide by the ruling because i was actually really sure that i would win because you know i thought that a neutral adult would see the terrifying nature of the display um so yeah i i'm not sure I can think of anything that would really compensate. Well, I'm really sorry to let you down. It's okay. I respect your decision. I mean, I appreciate that it's a challenging display to live with.

Yes, it is. And I really feel very strongly that I understand and encourage you to make the rest of the house absolutely your own on your own terms. You deserve that for sure. Yes, you do. Thanks. But, you know, when a child expresses themselves in a very meaningful way and they're in your home and you want to share that home, sometimes that's what happens. Sometimes you get a piano full of's what happens sometimes you get a piano full of creepy dolls sometimes you get a piano being a parent i'm afraid in my opinion so i'm

i'm sorry to i am i am i feel you i'm really sorry to let you down i think that abby hears you i hear you so yeah thanks welcome oh but i mean like can i order her to do a chore or something? Just want to, since I have this power before we leave. Well, she can clean her room. She can clean the bathroom. What about that Nicolas Cage pillow? I'm afraid of the crucifixes too, I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah, no. She could take the Nicolas Cage pillow out of the window.

That would be great. No, this is not part of it. This is not part of it. That would be fantastic. I think one should think seriously about taking Nicolas Cage out of the window. That would actually be great. That would make me feel a lot better. I think that's a reasonable sacrifice.

Just give him a little break. A permanent break? I think you've overstepped your bounds. Let's take Nicolas Cage out of the window for a little while. Start there. Yes, sir. I mean, I'm not afraid of you, Nicholas Cage. I'm a little bit afraid of Nicholas Cage, honestly. Aren't we all? But I got to be brave at a certain level here. All right. You're both wonderful and I wish you the very best. Thank you very much for being a part of the show. Thank you. Thank you so much.

you the very best. Thank you very much for being a part of the show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books. In a moment, we will have swift justice. First, our thanks to Redditor JunkMutluck. JunkMutluck. For naming this week's episode Dolly Pardon. Join our conversation about the show on the Maximum Fun subreddit, pardon, join our conversation about the show on the Maximum Fun subreddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. And when you're over there, watch out for Junk Mudluck. We're still asking for title suggestions there as well. Keep an eye out for those. Evidence and photos from our program posted on the Maximum Fun show page for this episode and on our Instagram account at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to follow us there.

Judge John Hodgman created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. Our producer is Valerie Moffitt. Our litigants this week were recorded at Ignite Studios in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City, the Azores of the American West. in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City, the Azores of the American West. Now let's get to Swift Justice where we answer small disputes with quick judgment. Maggie writes, my fiance and I disagree about the best way to provide water to guests when hosting a party. He says eight ounce water bottles are the perfect size. People tend to lose track of a full water bottle or a cup. I hate the waste of mini bottles and prefer letting guests get a glass and serve

themselves. Who's right? I'm going to solve this Reddit style. Pre-marital divorce him. Go immediately to the nuclear option. No, but seriously, eight ounce bottles, those are no good. Go immediately to the nuclear option. No, but seriously, eight ounce bottles. Those are no good. That's just pure waste. Just pure waste. Obviously.

I think Maggie, you've got, you've got the ticket right there. Provide them with cups, plastic or recycled plastic if you must, or reusable in your home and let them just let them fill up their water from a, I don't know, the refrigerator or a pitcher or like one of those urns for punches or whatever. Not an urn, but you know what I mean, Jesse. Like one of those big glass things that has a little tap at the bottom of it and you make some cucumber water in it, whatever. Oh, sure.

Yeah. Get one of those. I'd like to hear disputes about party fouls. Party foul disputes. That's perfect. If you have a dispute about a party foul, what to do at a party, what not to do at a party, what to bring to a party, what not to bring to a party. Potluck disputes. Those are popular, popular potluck disputes. Fancy dress disputes. I have a question about double dipping.

Go ahead. So obviously, dipping it into the dip, then crunching, then dipping the crunch end back into the dip. That's a no-go. Correct. I'm interested to hear, and we're going to save this for the Party Fouls episode of Judge Sean Hodgman. Yeah. I'm interested to hear if we've got a long dipper. Long dipper like a crostini?

Yeah. Grasped in the center. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You dip, crunch, turn, and dip. I don't know. Is that, what about that? Grissini, I think is what I'm thinking of, that long breadstick. Yeah, what about that? What about saying you hold it in the middle like a double-sided lightsaber?

Dip, crunch, turn, dip, crunch. I'll save my ruling for later when we hear it. And you know what? Whatever your dispute is, please send it to us. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Speaking of Liz Gilbert, she told a story once about a friend of hers who went to France and was invited to a costume party. And he didn't get there until he realized that a costume party in France apparently just means everyone dressed like it's Versailles. And he was dressed as a lobster. I think I remember that story correctly. Liz, if you're listening, let us know.

We'll let you know on our party foul dispute episode. But meanwhile, MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. For any dispute that you might have of any kind, big or small, we hear them all. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.