Judge John Hodgman - Driving Miss Drowsy

Episode Date: November 23, 2011

Austin brings the case against his good friend Ethan. A year ago, they drove cross-country from Santa Cruz, California to Brooklyn, New York. Austin says that during the trip, he experienced "car lag," a variant form of jetlag. Ethan says the very idea is absurd. The argument has driven a wedge into their friendship.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, driving Miss Drowsy. Austin brings the case against his good friend, Ethan. A year ago, they drove cross country from Santa Cruz, California to Brooklyn, New York. Austin says that during the trip, he experienced car lag, a variant form of jet lag. Ethan says the very idea of car lag is absurd. The argument has driven a wedge into their friendship. Is car lag real? Only one man can decide. Please rise as deranged millionaire and celebrated judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Hear ye, hear ye. In the case of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, justice dispensers will drop from the panel above your seat.

Please put your own justice dispenser on before helping a child with his or her justice dispenser. Jesse, you may swear them in. Austin, Ethan, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Yeah, I do. Do you swear to abide by truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he will be crisscrossing the country on book tour in a helicopter piloted by one Mr. Harrison Ford?

I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? First of all, guys, let me apologize for my airplane-themed oye oye there. We are not talking about an airplane flight, are we? We're talking about a car flight, what also is known as a car drive. But jet lag is so-called largely because of the jet that is involved. Is that not so?

This is correct. All right. Austin, you claim that you experienced a variety of jet lag that you are calling car lag? Yes, I did. And you say that Ethan does not believe you? He does not. Right off the bat, he said it does not exist. Okay, we don't need to use sports metaphors right now.

Honk if you hate sports metaphors. People outside Austin's window. All right, Austin, you're sitting. Where are you calling from? My house in Bushwick, Brooklyn. In Bushwick, Brooklyn. It's a lovely autumn day. You're out on the fire escape just talking on a podcast. Tell me about your car lag. Okay. We started in

Bannockers, California, and three days later, we were in Lincoln, Nebraska. So you're going from Pacific to Mountain to Central Time. Is that correct? Correct. Okay. And you experienced, what did you experience? Tiredness, general travel fatigue. My temporal routine was off. Tell me about your temporal routine as you're driving in a car. Well, from Santa Cruz, waking up at, you know, X hour every day. Okay, X isn't a number. I wake up at the same time in Lincoln, Nebraska, and it felt like a lot earlier. Specificity is the soul of narrative. Let's talk about what time you normally wake up, please. I would say 10 a.m. 10 a.m.? Are you an

unemployed person? No, I work evenings and a freelance day job. Okay, what is your profession? Bartending, writing, and accounting. Let me guess the one you don't get paid for. Yeah, I'll give you one guess. I think we all know the answer is volunteer bartending. So how late does your does your bartending shift normally go anyway? Until like 3.30 or 4 in the morning. So your circadian rhythms are already unusual compared to traditionally employed adult humans. 2009 to 5 is correct, yeah. All right. So on this particular trip, you got up in Santa Barbara at 10 a.m.? Did you hit the road at 10 a.m.? At the crack of 10?

We left Santa Cruz, I would say, around noon. All right. How many miles is it from Ethan? Yes, I'm here. Are you also calling from Bushwick? I'm calling from sort of Bed-Stuy type area near Williamsburg. Okay. Okay.

You both live in the no-man's land of Brooklyn where writer-bartenders live when they move from California to New York. That is correct. All right. And where work crews work through the afternoon. Oh, you also have a work crew. Yep. Is your window open? It's not anymore.

It's a beautiful chilly fall day here in New York City. You should have all your windows open. Yes, Your Honor. You claim that this man could not have experienced car lag? I don't believe car lag is an actual thing, Your Honor. Well, I haven't heard the term before. Austin, have you heard the term before, or did you make the term up? I believe I made it up. Okay, so the only, I certainly found no mention of it in the literature anywhere. Go on, Ethan. Why do you feel that it is not real? Well, Austin makes frequent reference to his internal clock that is being messed up by

traveling across the country. And yet I'm not aware of any scientific basis for such a clock. I believe that gaining an hour in the course of a day's driving is certainly not going to be enough to actually interrupt his sleep schedule. You're not aware of the term circadian rhythm? I'm aware that circadian rhythm exists. I'm not aware that moving an hour forward by the clock in a single day would disrupt said rhythm. I see. So it's not that you don't believe in an internal clock.

I do believe in an internal clock. I believe it is based mostly on the movement of the sun. Well, honk if you believe in internal clocks out there, Brooklyn. You believe that it is set by the sun? I'm not a scientist, Your Honor, but I do believe that the sun plays a major role in the circadian rhythm. Well, wait a minute. You're not a scientist.

So why are you entering this evidence? That it is not... Do you know? Why are you not simply saying your friend, Austin, is a sensitive liar? I might be called a science enthusiast, Your Honor, but I don't want to claim too much knowledge. I see. Who was doing the driving? I was doing the driving, Your Honor.

And how often would you switch off driving? Well, it's an interesting story. Not really. No, it's not interesting. I can already tell you it's not. It's a simple answer to a simple question. We did not switch off, Your Honor. You did not switch off at all.

Ethan, you drove the entire time? I did. What kind of car are we talking about here? 1993 Nissan Sentra. That's a hard rider. Yeah, and the transmission was not in peak physical condition. Why didn't you drive, Austin? Yeah, all of Brooklyn wants to know.

You hear them honking their horns? Yeah, I do not know how to drive manual cars. Oh, you don't know how to drive a manual transmission? So while your friend, Ethan, was driving hour after hour next to you, you were sitting there meekly in the seat next to him saying, my head hurts and my tummy feels upset. No, actually, Your Honor, the entire trip, I was chief communications officer and navigation. So I was in charge of finding all of our hotels along the way, keeping Ethan awake. I would light his cigarettes for him. It's a sad human who relies on a title for self-esteem, and especially one who relies on a made-up, wackyy semi-naval title in a Nissan

for self-esteem. You were the passenger. Can we just say that? Chief Executive Officer. Co-pilot? No, you can't say that. No, no, because you have no control over that car. You wouldn't put a co-pilot in a plane who did not know how to drive the plane.

That's a technical term. You drive a plane, you know. So I was a passenger. And I guess navigator, map holder. I was using my phone. That's fair. term. You drive a plane, you know. So I was a passenger. And I guess navigator, map holder. I was using my phone. That's fair. I like that. What kind of symptoms did you have that made you feel that you were suffering from car lag? It was really only in the morning when we were getting going and hitting the road again.

I would say distorted, you know, exhaustion. Tired, you're foggy. Did you experience insomnia? Did you experience constipation or diarrhea? I would say I was very regular. Because these are some of the classic symptoms of jet lag, as it's been described in the medical literature. Tiredness, tiredness waking up in the morning.

I was a little constipated, Your Honor. Oh, a little change in tune there. Look, no one wants to go into the schedule of your bowel movements less than I do. But now you have made it an issue. Because I asked you a direct question, were you constipated or did you experience diarrhea? You said no. And then I said that's a symptom of jet lag. And then you said yes.

So why, sir, should I believe anything that comes out of your mouth at this point? I can't answer that, Your Honor. I'm sorry. Because here's the thing. I believe that what Austin is describing is possible. In other words, you cross two time zones in three days. I think that that's reasonable to suggest that your circadian clock is going to be thrown out of whack. But if he's really going to put forward this theory, I got to hear some of the classic jet lag symptoms.

Just to quickly go back to the constipation versus diarrhea, there are a few factors you got to think about. By all means, go back to that. Please. I demand that you go back to that. Okay. Bailiff Jesse is very interested in this line of inquiry for reasons that are personal to him. So, go ahead. So, when you're traveling across the country, you're putting foods and beverages into your body that you normally wouldn't. I do not eat fast food, but on the road trip, we ate fast food.

I had bad gas station coffee. You're making the argument that your biological clock was out of order because you drove too fast to the east, right? So what does fast food have to do with anything? I might poop more. Or less. You're undoing your own argument. Not only are you going back and forth on your whole constipation story, but what you should be saying to me, sir, if you're trying to prove your case is, I did nothing out of the ordinary.

I was certainly not tired because I'd spent none of this time driving. I just sat around listening to the radio and occasionally looking up something on Yelp for my friend who was exhausted. That therefore proves that I was experiencing car lag as opposed to simple travel fatigue. Do you know what the term malingering means, sir? No, I do not. That means claiming sickness to get out of work.

Do you know what the term Munchausen's syndrome is, sir? No, I do not. That means either self-harming to create symptoms or fabricating symptoms of illness in order to get attention. Weird. Yeah, weird. Ethan, why do you think your friend is talking about car lag so much? Well, your honor, I think he was relatively bored during the actual drive time on the trip, and I believe that our poor diets combined with the massive amount of coffee we drank on the trip. I believe you sent in some evidence to this effect? That's correct. Can you describe this photo that I'm seeing?

Well, it's actually a before and after photo. On the left, we have Austin taking a swig out of a gallon jug of cold brewed coffee that we brought with us. Okay. And on the right, we have the same jug held up to the camera, and it's about half empty. And I believe those photos were taken about two to three days apart, Your Honor. Now, why was Austin drinking this coffee? Oh, we were both drinking it. Did he have any reason to be alert whatsoever?

Well, he had to keep everybody updated on Twitter of where we were. Okay. Oh, he was the official Twitterer. Yes. How do you know each other? From around Santa Cruz. Ultimate Frisbee League. More or less. Twitter of where we were. Okay. Oh, he was the official Twitterer. Yes. How do you know each other? From around Santa Cruz. Ultimate Frisbee League. More or less.

Jesse, as a graduate of the University of California, Santa Cruz, is that not correct, Jesse? That is correct. And as a resident of that town for some time, can you lend any insight into the character of these two dudes who have decided to drive across the country and then complain about their aches and pains once they reach Brooklyn? I think it would be reasonable to describe 10 a.m. as the 5 a.m. of Santa Cruz. Okay. So that would be considered early. Yes. They may have faced some discomfort on the ride as they were forced to wear shoes. I see. They may have faced intestinal discomfort at the lack of quinoa. I understand. Yeah, you can't, you can't, and also I don't believe devil sticks are allowed in Nebraska at all. No, they've been illegal there

since 1983. You know, I have to say here, Austin and Ethan, neither of you have presented much of a case. I think I've heard everything I need to hear at this point. I'm going to go into chambers. I'm going to take a little nap. I'm going to drink a little cold brewed coffee. I will allow my body to perform its natural functions. And then I shall drive on back in to give you my ruling. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Austin, did you think that this case would be decided Santa Cruz style by unanimous consent and a complex system of hand signals? No, actually, that's part of the reason I left Santa Cruz was to no longer participate in those kind of rulings. I wanted a clear cut from the

judge. Ethan, how are you feeling about how this thing might turn out? I suppose I didn't bring a stronger case because I considered it relatively self-evident that my side was the correct side. You didn't bring a stronger case because you wanted to go surfing or something. I would like to, indeed. Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

What is going on out here? I heard you yelling, Bailiff Jesse. I'm enraged. Why are you so enraged? Is it because these guys are from Santa Cruz? Classic Santa Cruz apathy. Do you know them from the drum circle? I saw them running across campus without any clothes on.

I'm sorry, guys. Every time someone comes in here from Santa Cruz, Jesse gets a little alarmed. It's going all right, Your Honor. I actually believe we know some mutual people. Okay, do you know what? This isn't the coffee house. This isn't the coffee house! Stop it! Maybe I should leave you guys,

you three guys, to figure this out Santa Cruz style. We're doing spirit fingers right now. All right. Hey, do you guys recognize this finger whoa jesse there's no call for that i can't even see that finger but i heard it go up uh okay neither one of you guys presented much of a case i think first of all it is clear that austin felt tired which is a reasonable thing for a human to feel and maybe a little disoriented from a long car ride maybe a little had a little white feel, and maybe a little disoriented from a long car

ride, maybe a little had a little white line fever. And I do think that there is clearly an element here of Munchausen syndrome, which is to say, the the fabrication or hyperbolic exaggeration of symptoms into a greater syndrome to get the attention of a physician, a nurse or a radio podcast judge. And unfortunately, I feel that you both suffer from Munchausen syndrome. Because even while you, Ethan, deny the diagnosis or the self-diagnosis that Austin made of himself, you spent no time trying to disprove it using anything other than, I just don't think he's telling the truth. And no explanation as to why you don't think he's telling the truth. I think you two are a couple of malingerers. I don't think there's a dispute here. I don't think that you have anything in this game, Ethan. I think you both wanted to come into my emergency room and get a bunch of Percocets in the form of

free podcast exposure. I will not have it in my court. But I got a rule based on the evidence that you guys give me. And Austin, you gave me no evidence to suggest that jet lag was real. And Ethan, you gave me no evidence to suggest that jet lag in a car wasn't real. All I've got to go on is this weird laid back, he said, he said thing. So I have to rule kind of against both of you. So here's what I'm going to do. First of all, I'm going to rule in favor of Austin. Even though he offered no proof, the opposition offered no significant disproof that circadian rhythms could be disrupted by a fast car ride to the west or the east across two time zones in three days. I think that that's possible.

And unless a scientist wants to call in and do your job for you, Ethan, and explain to me why that's not possible, I'm going to say that's possible and the claim stands. However, I will also say this. Austin, what is your age? 23. Do you want to be able to survive the coming global super collapse? Yes, Your Honor. Yeah, okay. So here's what I'm going to say.

Stop hanging around on fire escapes because you could fall off and you're an easy target for cannibal gangs with crossbows. But also learn to drive a manual transmission. This is something, now that you live in New York City, you could very easily fall into a rut where you never actually drive a car again for several, several years. And all you need to do is walk from emergency room to emergency room, looking for attention. But if you want to survive into full-fledged adulthood, you've got to get out there and learn to drive one of those

things. Not only is it great fun and obviously useful to your friends, but also in the future, you can only manually start a manual transmission car. An automatic transmission car won't start if it's been left abandoned in the road for several weeks after the Omega Pulse. So I'm just looking out for you here. Thank you very much. And by the way, when you get captured by the cannibal gangs, complaining about your constipation is not going to get them to not eat you. Ethan, my punishment to you is to not find in your favor, largely out of spite, because you provided no argument and seemed not to care.

I do care, Your Honor. I care very much. I don't even know what to say to that. The plaintiveness in your voice was suddenly so sincere. And yet I can't understand what you gain or lose by denying this guy his crazy complaint. You certainly didn't care enough to make a case against him. And therefore, this is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules. That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Ethan, you've embarrassed yourself on one of America's most beloved podcasts with your milquetoast response to Judge John Hodgman's questions. How do you feel about the decision? I feel that it should have been self-evident that, in fact, Austin's complaint was not based in any fact. However, I definitely agree with the judge that I really should have stepped up to the play a little more. Just going to have to give it more of a go next time. We don't have to have sports metaphors. Austin, you sound like you're falling apart, and I can understand why. You're just a soft Santa cruiser going through the mean streets of Bedford-Stuyvesant thinking MOP stand for mop and shit.

Yes, Bayless. Maybe we should just kill him, Judge. Not yet, Jesse. Wait for Ragnarok. Wait until justice collapses and then you and I are the only law. We could just ask the park service. I think they'll consider it a mercy killing.

Oh, no, please. I can't. I can't abide murder while there is still a government and criminal justice system in place. Thank you, Judge. I can't. I can't abide murder while there is still a government and criminal justice system in place. Thank you, Judge. You're welcome. Good luck, guys. Thank you.

Judge Hodgman, now that we've retired to chambers and I've had some time to think about my conduct, I just want to apologize to you. I feel like I was out of control. What? Oh, sorry, you. I feel like I was out of control. What? Oh, sorry, Jesse. I dropped off there. It was a combination of walking from one room to another. It made me very drowsy. And also the veil of marijuana smoke that hovered over those boys.

I think it bears mentioning that while the courtroom is in the central time zone, your chambers, sir, are on Greenwich Mean Time. Exactly. Well, I would have nothing else. I need to be right at the center of things. You know that about me, Jesse. We have some cases on the docket if you'd like to clear them out. Yeah, let me just drink some cold brewed coffee here and try to wake up. Here's one from Brett. He says, My wife insists that I can't even say it without laughing. My wife

insists that planful is a word. I hold that it is the absurd detritus of business speak. Is planful, P-L-A-N-F-U-L, a word, or is it bullshitful? I added that last part. Well, it does sound a lot like business speak, and yet I consulted my friend Emily Brewster, who is an editor for the Merriam-Webster Dictionary and the discoverer of a new and previously undocumented definition of the word A, as in a planful Jesse Thorne made his preparations for the Next Judge John Hodgman podcast, and she can confirm that planful is, quote,

totally a word as of the mid-19th century. I'm sorry, Brett, you are wrong. In fact, Emily reports that the first usage was specifically 1862. It was cited in Griffith's Fatherhood of God, the continuous exercise by our Heavenly Father of a deliberate, planful, minute, unlimited guardianship over all persons and all things, which of course, Jesse, is what I strive for here at the Judge John Hodgman Pottiest as well. Now, Brett, you are wrong, but you might be comforted by what Emily adds, which is that

while it's never been common, the word did see increasing use over the course of the 20th century, peaking around the mid-1990s, which I think we would agree was probably the apex of dumb business speak in this world. But current use in the past 15 years or so has dropped back to mid-1920s levels. So this awful tide of a word that you hate is at least receding, as we also recede into a 1920s-style depression. Maybe it's because no one's doing any business. Maybe because no one's very planful about what's coming next.

But at least you don't have to listen to your wife say it. So next time your wife says it, you may at least stipulate to her that she reduce her usage of the word to 1920s levels. And that she dress like a flapper while saying it. Here is a question from Aaron. He says, I keep a database of all the films that I watch. What, another one? Distinctive audience.

I keep a database of all the films that I watch. What, another one? Distinctive audience. I keep a database of all the films that I watch. We clearly just have a, we have a database of nerds, malingerers, autists,

and data keepers. And I love each and every one of them. To be fair, we have some Portland food truck vendors. Oh yes, I forgot. That's right.

Aggressive hipsters. And cold-brewed coffee enthusiasts. And I love them all, and when the feces comes down and the total superpocalypse occurs, I welcome them all to be on my island, and I will make them dress as half-animals to be my servants to reenact the Island of Lost Souls. Okay, so...

In any case, I keep another guy who keeps an Excel spreadsheet of every movie that he's seen. Oh, beyond an Excel spreadsheet. This is a database. Oh, I apologize. I apologize. One of the many lists is the films alphabetized he says i generally follow standard filing rules but i'm having trouble with one particular word word and how it should be alphabetized i'm should a film that starts with i'm go directly after words that

start with the word i or should the apostrophe be disregarded and the words that start with i'm go directly after words that start with the word I, or should the apostrophe be disregarded and the words that start with I'm go in between words that start with IL and IN? I see different opinions on this on the internet, and I'm torn between the true versus the more aesthetically pleasing. Oh, Jesse, boy, that's a tricky one. I'm in a total brain fog because of all the bad food I've been eating. How do you alphabetize I'm? I'm sure that there are a million different styles and stipulations. And Emily Brewster, I've already turned to her once. I don't think I can turn to her again.

I'm going to have to freestyle this one. According to the New York Times and their 1,000 list of best movies, I'm is alphabetized as though it is the word im. Comes after ill. And comes before in. Even though what you are actually condensing there is the words I am. You do not put it in after, like, I am legend.

So if you were going to alphabetize I'm still here, you do not put it after I am legend. You put it after ill-begotten gains, which I'm going to guess is a movie, but I don't know if it is. Let's find out. Ill-Begotten Gains on the IMDb. Do you think it is? No, I don't think it is.

Ill-Gotten Gains. Ill-Gotten Gains 1997. Close. Ill-Begotten. That's not a word. Ill-Gotten Gains with Digimon Hunsu. Eartha Kitt. It was released in 1997

at the height of the planful craze in our nation's language. And it's about the slave trade, a revolt on a slave trip in West Africa in 1869. So, yes. I'm sure that this guy already knows that from his database, which

I'm glad he's putting together because apparently no other database exists of all movies. I just proved it. So good work doing something that someone already did on the Internet, friend. I have a database, but it's just of the silent films in the Foxy Grandpa series. Oh, boy. Is that the end of the docket? It is indeed. Do you need to get back in your helicopter

and off to tour America with your hit new book, That Is All? I got to lie down. I got to lie down. I'm so jet lagged from that whole thing. I'm going to start using jet lag to describe common fatigue and general brain fog from having too much stuff going on. Because it's true. I'm launching this book.

That is all. My final book of complete world knowledge. Anyone who listens to this already knows about it. They know to go to areas of my expertise to find out where they can buy the book, find out where they can go see me on tour. And, you know, here's the thing. I've spent a lot of time on this podcast and on other Maximum Fun shows asking you to give money to Maximum Fun.

I know you've been generous. And so in this case, all I'm asking is this. Call up Jesse and demand your money back. Get back all your donations and use them to buy multiple copies of my book. It's only fair. Fans of Judge John Hodgman podcast, I hope you'll come and see me on the road when I travel around the country. On the End is Nigh tour, you can find out the details at areasofmyexpertise.com. And I hope you'll continue to send in your disputes. And again, I can't stress this enough.

Don't send in your malingering disputes about things that don't happen. I want real disputes. Fights, not fights. Don't get into fistfights. Or maybe, I don't know, we're coming into Podcast Sweeps Week, right, Jesse? Absolutely. Don't hurt each other. Let me decide who is more hurt.

That is all. John, of course it's Podcast Sweeps Week. That's why you had to explain to me what my period is. What? Oh, in a very special episode of Judge John Hodgman? Yeah, and that's why Burt Reynolds was playing my dad. Jesse, sit down. Just because you're terribly constipated, it's no reason to get angry at people who live in Santa Cruz.

What's happening to your body is entirely normal. Oh, God. Look, one more thing. Go to maxfundstore.com if you want the new Judge John Hodgman poster. Oh, yes, that's right. Tom Deja of Chicago has designed a beautiful poster, has he not? Yes, our thanks to the great Tom DJ, whose name is spelled Deja, but pronounced DJ for reasons unexplained.

Is it pronounced DJ? Yeah, isn't that crazy? I feel terrible now. He's always Tom Deja to me. MaxFunStore.com. It's like Tom Deja all over again. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org.

The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is Hodgman at Maximum Fund dot org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum dot Maximum Fund dot org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.