Judge John Hodgman - Hearspray

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

Kate and Richard bought their house a few years ago and have been spending a lot of time fixing it up. Kate believes that a paint sprayer will solve a lot of her problems. But Richard is concerned about adding that tool to their collection. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? With Guest Bailiff Jean Grae!Thank you to Twitter User @nyc_marmar for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow us on Twitter for naming opportunities: @JesseThorn & @Hodgman. Or keep track using the Twitter hashtag #JJHoCaseNames.

Hello, and welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Jean Grey, sitting in for Jesse Thorne. This week, hairspray. Kate and Richard bought their house a few years ago and have been spending a lot of time fixing it up. Kate believes that a paint sprayer will solve a lot of her problems, but Richard is concerned about adding that tool to their collection. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. What I do usually, I will say, look at that almighty paint and look at that almighty brush. And when I talk like that, automatically I boost my inside. When you sign that almighty painting, you hear the thunder in the sky.

You hear the echo from mountain to mountain. You become the almighty creator next to God or whatever is you have that in your mind. Then it is easy, very easy to live. next to God or whatever is you. Have that in your mind. Then it is easy, very easy to live. Yes, bailiff Jean Grey, hello. Please swear in the litigants. Okay. Kate and Richard, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, only the truth, nothing else but truth, just the truth. The truth is it. So help you, God or whatever. I do. I do. Okay. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling?

Despite the fact that it is the year 2024 and he's been lying to us the whole time i do i do all right this is your choice judge hodgman you may proceed i never thought i would get caught well but yes shouldn't have asked me. I gave sleeping powder to the entire population of the world. Everyone slept for two years and I woke up like it was a regular day. I'm refreshed. I said, guess what? It's still 2022. And they're like, why is my lawn so weedy? 2022, you know, that's what it's like. Kate and Richard, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. You know what I was realizing? Here's a good riddle. Kate and Richard, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. You know what I was realizing? Here's a good riddle. Kate and Richard, you're partners in life, right? Cohabitants.

Married, are you? We are not married. Oh, okay. That's fine. I don't care anymore. Do whatever you want. We don't either. Right.

Are there any kids in your life, your children, nephews, nieces, neighborhood kids? Kids in our life, not in our home. Okay. Here's a little riddle for them. What popular podcast is always listed on Apple podcasts as not explicit, and yet there is swearing on every episode? The Judge John Hodgman podcast. We swear you in. I never thought about that.

Well played, sir. All right, Kate and Richard, for an immediate summary judgment on one of your favorites, can either of you name the person I quoted as I entered the fake internet courtroom? I see Richard, you're making some gestures. You're touching your finger to your lips, Jeff Goldblum style. You've got some idea you want. Please, what is your guess? Was that Bob Ross? Was that painter Bob Ross? Putting Bob Ross into the guest book. Bob, how do you spell B-O-B? Bob Ross.

All right. And Kate, now it is your turn to guess. Well, I felt like it was like a motivational speaker, but I don't actually know a real life motivational speaker. So I'm going to say Matt Foley, motivational speaker. Matt Foley. Who's that? He's a motivational speaker? He's Chris Farley, Van, Down by the River. Oh, that's that character.

I live in a van down by the river. That's a great one. And you didn't want to guess bob ross kate no you know i'm not as uh haven't heard a lot of his speeches no you didn't want to guess any other television painters television painters not people who paint televisions people who paint on television are there other painting people are there i don, are there? I don't know. Are there? Was Bob Ross the only person to ever paint on television using specifically the wet-on-wet oil technique?

It's in that documentary. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, right, Jean Grey? I do. Both guesses are wrong, by the way, Kate and Richard. But Richard, yours is the wrongest. It's the wrongest of the two because I was quoting Bill Alexander. You know Bill Alexander, Jean Grey?

He was the first one. The magic of oil painting. Before Bob Ross, Bill Alexander was a German-born immigrant to the United States via Canada, I believe. And he pioneered not only going on TV and doing a landscape in 30 minutes, but specifically using the wet on wet technique, which is using wet paint, mixing it on the canvas to create happy little trees. And indeed, happy little trees, he claims is something that he coined, that Bob Ross copied off of him. he claims is something that he coined, that Bob Ross copied off of him.

Now, originally, you know, Bill Alexander has a very expansive, inclusive worldview, his wonderful inspirational quotes. Initially, he was very happy that Bob Ross, he taught Bob Ross, literally taught him. Bob Ross was his student. He passed the paintbrush to Bob Ross on this Bob Ross's first episode of The Joy of Painting. But then shortly after that, Bill Alexander realized that Bob Ross was a phenomenon. Bill Alexander continued to do his show, but basically, you know, got relegated to the sidelines and there was some bitterness there. Kate and Richard, how are you? Thank you for being here on the Judge John Hodgman. Thanks

for your patience. Who brings this case before me for justice, Kate or Richard? I bring it to the court. And you are Kate? Yes. You are Kate. I'm Kate. And tell me, what is at issue here? So as the bailiff described, we bought a fixer several years ago.

Nice. And I have suggested that we get a paint sprayer for efficiency and because it's a useful tool and because I think I make reasonable decisions that make our life more efficient. Okay. And my wonderful, loving partner very strongly disagrees, feels that I am a danger to myself and others should I have a paint sprayer. Okay. Richard, you live in Portland, Oregon, correct? That's right. And tell us about this house and its condition. Well, now we're happy with it.

It's not quite a finished home, but we live comfortably in it. When we bought it about four years ago, there were several serious problems with the house. What kind of problems? Well. Did it have a roof? It did have a roof. We've replaced the roof since we've moved in, but it did have a functional roof at the time we moved in, yes. Okay. What were the problems then?

Oh, no walls. Did I get it right? Well, there were definitely walls, and it was a livable home. It just had a lot of cosmetic issues. It needed a lot of updating. It needed, we replaced the windows. We've replaced a lot of the floors. We've done a lot of remodeling to it. It did have a decommissioned pool in the backyard that was mostly full of trash with a deck built over it. It had a detached garage that was, it wasn't falling over, but it was leaning. It had, I mean, those are, it had several serious problems with it.

And I'm looking at photos that you sent in that we will post on the show page at MaximumFun.org as well as our Instagram page at Judge John Hodgman. And I see the photo of the, what you call decommissioned pool, what I would call the rubble pit that you had, or maybe still have outside. Thankfully, the rubble pit is no more. It's, um, yes, it is gone. Why? Why would you get rid of this rubble pit? Especially this photo of the rubble pit

with a nice little side chair and a bottle of wine on it? That seems like a wonderful place to sit and relax of an evening. What'd you do? Fill it in? What'd you fill it in with? Mostly rubble, but we also removed about half of the rubble and then covered it with dirt. And I'll be honest, just to have a dirt backyard was so refreshing after staring at that rubble pit for, I think, a couple years. I think we had it for at least two years. So who was doing the work on this house? friends. And we have over the past four years, I would say slowly lost gas. Mostly any work being done at this point is by paid professionals, I would say. I don't think we do much work anymore. But you're coming out of four years of doing a lot of the work yourself, fixing upping on your own. Kate, what kind of stuff did you do to this house?

Yeah. So that pool, for example, we tried to take apart ourselves. So first we removed the deck to then make it a rubble pit that we could throw even more trash into. So there was a deck over a sunken pool, concrete pool. That's right. That's right. To make it sellable. And so did you, how did you, how do you, how do you get rid of a hole in the ground? Yeah. So we started with a few work parties where our friends came over and we gave them alcohol and sledgehammers and said, go to it. And so we pulled about 16 tons of concrete out doing that so that we could. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Our friends are are wonderful he said not 16 tons is that wrong to clarify i don't think it i don't think it was 16 tons i think it was maybe two and a half

no what okay okay well regardless between two and 16 tons at a a classic Portland smash party. Yes, yes, correct. Oh, boy. So we did that. There were bars on every single window. So every single window, every single door had, like, steel bars over it. So we cut those off. How did you cut them? What did you use to cut them off?

Drunk strength of friends just ripped them right off. Yeah, exactly. Recreational THC-fueled superpowers. Yeah, it was like a tug-of-war, you know, field day. No, but what kind of tool did you use, if I may ask? We used a metal grinder. So it's probably not what a professional would do, but it worked for us. I have no idea how I would start to do that.

Yeah. But did you go out and buy a, how I would start to do that. Yeah. But you won't, did you go out and buy a metal grinder? We have a metal grinder. Okay. Hmm. Do you went to the hardware store and you're like, uh, we don't know what a professional will use to take off bars from windows and we don't want your advice either. Just give me a metal grinder. I'd like there to be mystery. Yeah. Yeah. We tried a Saul'sall to start, actually, which did sort of work for some of them. But once we got to the ones that covered sliding doors, we needed something more serious. And yeah, and right. Who needs advice?

Let the record show that Kate is smiling very happily and Richard looks very uncomfortable. This may be part of the dynamic. I just want to back up for a second. You had a party in your garbage pool where you gave your friends a bunch of beer and sledgehammers. Yeah. And somebody brought a jack, like a bush, a handheld jackhammer that Richard's brother. Yeah. Of course. That's just something you have around. How did someone not die at this party? Let me ask you a question. Did you provide eye covering? Yeah, so we have complementary personality traits.

So I provided the hammers and Rich provided the safety goggles. Okay. That is true. So some safety goggles at least. Yeah. That's incredible. But I have to say a demolition party would be a lot of fun. It would be a lot of fun and It would be a lot of fun. And everyone's nodding very vigorously.

People pay to go to rooms to do that, to let off steam, to smash things and break things. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So you did a lot of demo. Any other big projects? Yeah. So right before the pandemic started in the States, so like early March, we demoed our whole dining room in order to finish our attic space. So that was probably the biggest project that we hired somebody else to do. I guess I should say we couldn't quite finish the pool. You didn't just have your friends come by and give them a bunch of tequila? Yeah, that one takes hard liquor, right? Yeah. Get this dining room out of here.

Have fun. We'll be back. We're going to go to the movies or the theater or the restaurant because there's no pandemic yet. Yeah, so our house was in shambles, right, when we needed to stay home from work, when we were asked to stay home from work. Anyhow. Got it. Oh, so your house was a work site as the pandemic. I'm just trying to get a sense of what kind of trauma

Richard may have gone through in order to be so anti-paint sprayer that he would take it to a podcast. Kate, why do you want a paint sprayer? Well, we're coming down the home stretch on a lot of things. And I have done a lot of the painting, for example, in that attic space that we finished. And I think it would be far more efficient if we had a paint sprayer. I also feel like I would be able to do it better, so faster. And then I would have more patience and gumption to do the like cutting in that

takes more precision that I often run out of steam on and then I will also say the attic space well where Richard is sitting as you can see nobody has cut in there around him so it's um not finished paint okay what does cutting in mean Jean I don don't know. It's all of these corners. Getting those corners correctly? As a person who painted a four-story house and who made sure that everything was done with extreme precision, it is really the part where you kind of start to lose it. But if it's not done, you're going to see it across and stare at it, and it's going to drive you crazy. But it does take a hand. across and stare at and it's going to drive you crazy. But it does take a hand. I have an opportunity using this teleconferencing tool that we use here for the Judge John Hodgman podcast, our proprietary teleconferencing program to pin what we call stick pin Richard,

so I can make him really big, so I can really get into those corners. Kate, how are you feeling about those corners right now? Oh, not great. So embarrassed. I know you are because I have a lot of feelings I thought that you were using a virtual background Richard you know how you can use a virtual background I thought you were using a virtual background

like hey look at me I'm in a murder house hey look at me I'm in an abandoned house because those corners are sketchy let's talk about the paint spray. These rooms that we're seeing you in, I love the sea blue and I love the sea green. Nice colors. Seems to be well painted, at least in one of the rooms. These were not painted with a paint sprayer, correct?

That's right. All right. Kate, I have another question for you about a paint sprayer. Understand what this thing is, right? It's a paint sprayer. You spray the paint, right? It's a thing that attaches to a hose. Yeah. And you just go like that. Yeah. I've seen videos of these and you have too, obviously. I mean, not only are you smiling and beaming, your smile just got a city block wide. And you started batting your eyes at the idea of a paint sprayer.

Because it seems very satisfying, doesn't it? Yeah. TikTok makes it look so easy. It takes like three seconds. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Right? Just so satisfying.

I think part of the concern here is that once we have a sprayer, who knows what Kate will do with it. Yes. So, but at this point we don't have any plans of painting furniture. What else can she do except paint? My view, my view is that.

Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard. Yes. It goes like this. Isn't that cool? With the paint goes, you understand what we're talking about here. What's what could be wrong with what could go wrong? Please tell me.

If something could go horribly wrong, Kate will find out. I think there's a little bit more context of this dispute than I think Kate is letting on. I say this about my partner. She has excitability. She's spontaneous. She's adventurous. These are wonderful qualities, but I think everyone has- Qualities that make me very nervous and are not mine. Yeah. Well, in some blind spots. And I'm the more cautious one in the relationship. And there is absolutely a pattern, a history here of some very rash behavior. Establish the pattern. Establish the history.

Be specific. Tell the story. This is your time. There are really so many examples. So let me start with just the painting examples. And this is probably, I would say like five or six years ago, I think was the first painting ordeal. My recollection is there was a small chip on the paint of our vehicle. Kate Wisely, she got some touch-up paint and got herself in a situation where she was trying to blend the touch-up paint.

And since you're in Portland by vehicle, you mean your Penny Farley bicycle? I would never let Kate touch up paint our bikes. We get our bikes professionally painted. Okay, I got you. So anyway, there was a chip on your car paint and Kate got touch up paint. Yeah, and it started out the size of maybe a dime, probably smaller than that. And her idea was to blend the paint. And, you know, if you've got the touch-up paint, it's never going to blend.

And pretty soon, it's a softball-size touch-up paint spot that she's got going on the car. It's like that person who came in to touch up that painting of Jesus in that Italian chapel, and it turned into Cookie Monster or something. But, I mean, what a gift. What a gift it was. It was an incredible thing for the world to have that. I mean, we're richer for it. You know, so Kate Wisely actually did, she did solve this problem, actually.

She has this notion that nail polish remover solves everything. And actually, to her credit, it actually immediately removed the touch of paint. So she poured it all over the car, which, as as you can imagine is a nerve-wracking experience in itself but that actually solved the problem no harm there but an indicator of this proclivity that she has of maybe being a bit too rash with and these are just paint stories there are a whole different set of stories involving any sort of power tool. But this is not the only paint story.

There was another situation. This was the house that we lived in right before we purchased this house. It was a rental. And she was in the kitchen with fabric spray paint. And I believe she was spray painting T-shirts. And I believe she put them on the counter. She may have put them on some cardboard. There was certainly no protective material around this project. I think it was just shirts on cardboard. There was certainly no like protective material around this project. I think

it was just shirts on cardboard. And sure enough, a hefty quantity of this paint gets on our linoleum floor. And I didn't really see how this unfolded. This was told to me after the fact. What I remember is walking into our kitchen and seeing Kate on the floor with a huge spot of paint. And she had figured that nail polish remover has solved the problem in the past. Surely that was the solution here. And she had spread nail polish remover all over the floor, huge black spots everywhere of this fabric paint. And that one I did solve.

We just like poured soap on it and it came off. But in my view, second crisis averted, but clearly a pattern. Those are the only paint stories that come to mind, but there are definitely other scenarios. I'll take one non-paint story, but house repair related, if you don't mind. Yeah. So multiple house repair stories and certainly situations where life and limb were in jeopardy. But the one that comes to mind, we had a power washer for our driveway, which is great. I mean, that's and I will say that's another tool that we have had a dispute over.

My view is given your nature, given our lack of need for it, we don't need to purchase a power washer but we rented a power washer we did um clean the driveway and kate did not stop with the driveway she went uh there's a portion of our house that has brick on the side of it yeah she started washing the brick which sounds like a good idea but not when there's like little mortar pieces flying out which she realized after the fact she then went to the porch and removed like a layer of the porch, which is still gone. We still have, there's a huge spot. A layer of the porch was power washed away? Yes.

Very strong power washer or a very weak porch. Probably both. Why do you have such a weak porch, you guys? Well, I mean, it was, I mean, you you know we're living in a house that you know is potentially you know sensitive um is it are you living in a candy house is your porch made of meringue not a sensitive meringue porch don't power wash that this is coming up on HGTV, the new show. Sensitive meringue for you. Candy houses. You know what I like about a power washer, Richard? What's that?

It goes, but like stronger. You know what I like about a power washer? Everything. No. It's great. So satisfying. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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Rules and restrictions apply. Kate, I see you nodding happily along to all of this. Do you acknowledge that you perhaps went a little far with the power washers, sort of what Richard is saying, that you kind of leapt in to some DIY projects that got a little out of hand, couldn't be cleaned entirely up with nail polish remover. And also, is the way you get your friends to do all these chores, because I hear nail polish solves everything. Do you get them to huff acetone before they start working? Is that part of the deal? Like, yeah, buy you pizza and just smell this bag and get to work. Psilocybin is legal in Oregon now. Wow, okay. You know what?

I'm signing up for this party. I want to come to the party. Yeah, everyone does. No, I don't deny that I am, I think Richard described me as excitable and rash. I don't deny that. I would argue I have not made any catastrophic mistakes. We're all still here and healthy. That's a pretty low bar.

I know. Do you know what I mean? That's such a low bar. I don't know when it comes to to house uh fixing up and and diys and doing things i pretty like failure is not it it's gonna happen and i think it's the only way you learn but i also think if no one gets hurt like if the acetone hasn't burnt off an eye or such like you're doing okay you can get another porch if your porch is made out of meringue. You know, no one getting hurt is a very big deal in fixing up a new house. And failing.

I do feel like we've failed. I mean, I've learned a lot. But she's not saying like no one got hurt or no one was permanently disfigured. She's saying neither of us died. Like neither of us are dead yeah yeah i would make that part of the mission definitely a top part of the mission of of renovation like let's not kill each other okay but go on um well i guess to gene's point i do feel like we've learned a lot so i learned about the power washing thing.

And without ruining our house completely, though I will admit, you know, I didn't think about that porch one. The porch one is a very good example of like it is still there looking at us and it looks terrible. It looks genuinely wretched. But I will say we painted over it and it would have gone a lot faster if I had a paint sprayer. Yeah, how did you paint over it? Like this? Yeah, like a dum-dum, you know, just with a roller. Judge, can I make a point of clarification?

I'll allow it. A point of clarification. Actually, professionals painted over the paint. We did hire professionals. Wow. And they probably did use a paint sprayer, but that was not a problem solved by Kate or myself. I thought we all agreed to tell the truth in this podcast, Kate.

I forgot. That's right. We all agreed to tell the truth. How come your recollection is a little hazy? A little bit too much nail polishing? Well, I'm doing so many projects, Judge. You know, I mean, I'm the one who's I'm the engine behind all of this work at the house. And so is that true? Is that true, Richard? Is Kate the engine? I strongly dispute that. I think that's I think that's a larger dispute than than perhaps we allow it, however.

I'll allow it. No, I mean, we have both we've both done a tremendous amount of work on the house. I mean, I would say at this point, neither one of us is the engine. It's all folks who we're hiring to do the work at this point. I wouldn't say either of us are. The person doing the work is not necessarily the engine. Fair. You know, the person doing the work is not necessarily the engine. Fair. You know, person doing the work is not necessarily the engine.

The engine is the person who makes all the other parts go and makes it happen. And then the person who is not the engine might be the person who's like, I really wish nothing would happen because it's disruptive and loud and nervous making. So that would be in this situation, the Richard. There's the engine and there's the Richard. I mean, in my relationship, there is the engine and then there's the John Hodgman. Things get done. Things transition from nothing happening to something happening, particularly when it comes to changes to the physical place we're living because of someone

else in our house who is not me. Would you say that that is accurate, Richard, or am I mischaracterizing? I don't think that's quite right. I mean, I think I'm definitely the more conservative and cautious one. And I don't want to discredit. I mean, Kate has absolutely been the engine at various points and definitely has a lot of energy to get things moving. That's a change of tune right there. Boy, oh boy. I thought we all agreed to not lie. You said she's not the engine and now you say she is the engine.

Interesting. Which is true, sir. Which is true. I ask you, which is true? My view is that at this point, we are both pretty weak engines when it comes to the house. We're still getting things moving, but neither one of us has a lot of energy. The engine is run down. That's probably true. Do you, Richard, do you or do you not, as a couple, own a nail gun?

We do. And so I should say, originally originally it was a trifecta. It was the power washer. It was the nail gun. It was the paint sprayer. Those are the three that concerned me most. And they were off limits. And I, I did relent. I got the nail gun and we do own a nail gun. That is true. I'm going to ask the question that never needs to be asked. What made you nervous about a nail gun? What could go wrong with a nail gun, Richard, from your point of view? Is that rhetorical or is that a genuine question? I'm helping you out. I mean, that's very different than chunk, chunk, chunk with nails.

Well, and I will say the readiness with which she was willing to purchase this nail gun and the solutions that she believed a nail gun would provide us definitely added to my concern. Because my reaction was, yeah, nail gun is super useful for these sorts of projects, but it's shooting metal projectiles that could injure people and could be used for a lot of purposes, probably beyond what it was designed for. So Kate did not have a second thought about that is absolutely something we should have in our home and I should be using it regularly. I got to be honest, Kate, what'd you want that nail gun for? Because that's for construction. That's not for cleaning up. That's not for, you know what I mean? That's for putting up drywall and stuff, I think. All things that we are doing, you know, putting up drywall and like putting in baseboard and

yeah. I think I'm both a combination of Kate's want to do things efficiently and Richard's trepidation at high-powered tools um so i want things to be done quickly and efficiently but i i know that my fear of uh anything can happen with a nail gun anything or i'm just like what happened this is just how i pictured it and i'm being like what what what in my hand any just right anything could happen but the amount of time that it took to build things without said nail gunner or take out baseboards and put in new baseboard it was just horrific and i wish that i could have seen past my own fears and just had more time to spend with my loved ones.

Is this time-saving for you, Kate? Or is this like, I just want to use that nail gun and that paint sprayer so bad? I mean, it can be all the things, I think. But no, I mean, I think part of it too is I work from home. I have worked from home for a long time. I will continue to work from home for the foreseeable future. And when I have the gumption to do something and could do it quickly and have the right tools, I do just want to pause and hearken back to that like me using fabric paint thing was because I didn't have the right thing that I needed in that moment. And so it

resulted in this hot mess. But if you have the paint sprayer or you have the nail gun, you can efficiently and effectively do the work. You have the right tool. So I think it's both. Yes, of course, it's very fun to have a nail gun and very fun to have a paint sprayer. And I do want to be able to do things quickly when I am struck by the gumption to do them. So obviously you've not put a nail through your hand or any of your loved ones or anything so far. You have the nail gun, you rented the power washer. Richard, why are you holding out on the paint sprayer at this point? aside from getting paint places where it shouldn't be, are you concerned that Kate's going to accidentally turn the paint sprayer into her own eyes or something?

Into your eyes? What's the worst thing that could happen with the paint sprayer? Oh, I can foresee many injuries potentially coming from paint sprayers. Tell me one of them, Richard. Tell me one of them. So I don't mean to get dark. I actually, I've done some research and people have had amputations from paint sprayers. Do you mean an explosion?

Well, that actually that's when I did not think of that. Absolutely. It's possible, I think, an explosion. But no, they if it's I mean, I don't know how high powered of a paint sprayer Kate is interested in. I said I suspect the most powerful one. of a paint sprayer Kate is interested in. I suspect the most powerful one. And, you know, Judge, if you do ultimately grant her wish, I hope you put some parameters that limit the capacity of her paint sprayer. No, it'll be the most powerful one. It'll be the point of getting anything else. No, I believe that people get, unfortunately, paint essentially injected into them and it can lead to amputations of fingers. I'm not making this up. Richard, do you drive a car? Yeah. That's all. Effective. Conceited. Kate, what do you got

to paint? It sounds like the painting's done. I don't get it. Yeah, the painting is not done. So actually that room that Richard is sitting in, ideally the other side of that room would just be all white. So it's like got the arched ceilings. It would be all white. There's a whole rigmarole with that where we had to compromise on. He wanted to paint that room brown. He wanted to paint a room brown. All right.

I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. Richard. Richard. Not the poo room. Not the. Richard. Not the poo room. Not the poo room. Not the poo room. I'm going to my unfinished rec room. I'll be back in a moment with my verdicts.

Your rectal room. Oh, no. Richard, turn your computer around, your camera around, so I can see the other side of the room. Oh. Well, now it's all white because I painted it brown. We compromised on this brown color. And so it was horrible.

Compromise brown is worse than just the first pick brown. So then I had to paint. Hang on. Hang on. I need to remember these words because they're very true. Compromise brown is always worse than first pick Brown. It's true. That's true.

Next on Compromise Brown, Encyclopedia Brown's cousin. He just wants to make it okay. That's right. Hey, Bugs Meany, why don't you split the, I don't know what, the school taekwondo trophy in half? Then everyone can have a piece. Okay, let's all win. Compromise Brown. Saturdays at nine.

Always be pitching shows. You never know. You never know. So your story's all over the place, Kate. Wait, wait, wait. It's going to get there. I promise. your story's all over the place, Kate.

Wait, wait, wait. It's going to get there. I promise. But you've already said that you wanted to paint it brown and then you did paint it brown, but then it's been painted white, but you want to paint it white again. Well, so because I had to use the roller

and then we were doing this. There's a lot of brown under there. You would have to go back in with a whole primer. I reprimed it. You got to reprime the whole thing. And so now that's probably not even white. It's just primer because who wants to go back and do, I'm sorry, I've had a lot of

experience painting this house and it is horrendous. She sees a brown wall and she wants it painted white. I get it. Is that the project that you want the paint sprayer for? What do you want the paint sprayer for? Well, so that room is unfinished white. So there are splotches. It needs to be repainted. Finish that room. Finish that room. Okay. What else?

I guess I didn't relay this to Richard. I would like to paint some furniture. I know that is. Kate, listen. I know. I get it. I see it. I understand it.

Can I, Richard, do you think it might be a thing where maybe you guys, if there's like a, some sort of Goodwill or Thrift Store, are there pieces that you would, so Kate could become more of a professional and less rash user of a paint sprayer, some small flipped pieces to practice on? flipped pieces to practice on? Absolutely. Absolutely. But I guarantee if we had a paint sprayer, Kate is not interested in practicing. She will go.

She will follow her whim. Good for her. There will be no practicing. Kate, why not rent a paint sprayer? Why do you want to own one? Because I want to own one now. I understand, but I need you to articulate it. If you do the paint sprayer for the majority of the room that you paint, then you have more energy left.

My gumption is a finite amount sometimes. You have a project. Why don't you rent a paint sprayer? Why do you want to buy one? I think we could be the people that repaint our home with some relative frequency. I also... I can understand now why Richard is concerned. I mean, not like every year, but they don't go bad, you know,

and they're just sitting there waiting for us. Sometimes you need to change the space. You've got to change the space. And sometimes, like, you move a piece of furniture and you bump the thing and then you gotta fix it. Well, that wasn't a very good argument. That's a paintbrush, Kate. So let's take that one out. Because I'm on your side, but take that one out. Take that one out. Okay, okay. Richard, it seems that your argument is the paint sprayer will create more opportunities for paint to be sprayed by Kate,

that it will not be project oriented. And once it is in the home, she will not be able to help herself, but it will create more and more opportunities to use the paint sprayer, more and more projects that are disruptive and nervous making to you. That be kind of your argument there. That's definitely one aspect of it, yes. Because Kate has certainly proved that argument for you. I absolutely agree that that's what's going to happen. Richard, when you hear Kate talk about how she's going to repaint the house any old day of the week with this new paint sprayer, how does it make you feel physically? Or mentally?

Yeah, you know, the nervousness does, uh, does manifest in some physical ways. I feel my stomach tighten, you know, there's, there's some uneasiness about it. Um, yeah, I think I, you know, there are so many unknowns and I think Kate's, Kate's giving a hint of her proclivity to some rash behavior. I think it could be so much more than you realize. I really do think that. What do you think? I mean, again, finger amputation? Your worst case scenario is you have a hard time articulating them and you seem afraid to articulate them because they're too dark. But i am ordering you to articulate what your worst case scenario is that you're trying to

say to kate this is not what you're not thinking about and you should think about it give me an example i i could see i mean i think an explosion was mentioned i definitely think that's a potential gene break gave you that idea just now fair fair i gave it to him because i understood what he was thinking because i i think this is the one time i've been on here i'm like i see myself in both of these people um right i wanted to get a paint spray and the explosion was a big deal to me it it stays in my head all the time i i would also i mean you know this is not you know this is not life or limb threatening, but I could see a scenario where I come home and half the house is painted purple and

Kate changed her mind and we'll paint it a different color the next day. I could, I could genuinely see that scenario. I mean, I could also, you know, Kate, maybe you want to tell the story of how you almost electrocuted yourself on. I mean, there have been two occasions. Oh, my God, Richard. I think there have been two occasions. But how about the, I think it was the washer plug or the dryer plug one. Yeah.

When you have two near electrocution stories, it's hard to pick which one to tell. But answer the question, please. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I don't do electrical work any longer. I mean, outside of like changing light switches or things like that. It was very late. We had moved into this home and it needed a lot of work. We haven't even, I mean, we didn't even scratch the surface on how much work was needed. We got a washer and dryer delivered and when they delivered it, I grew up in the Midwest and I should have just, they offered, they were like, we can put this plug to your washing machine for you.

And they'd already lugged it down this basement. It was like a whole mess of a thing. And I was like, no, no, no, don't worry about it. Because that's a Midwestern thing to do. Well, just because they had gone to so much trouble. They'd gone to so much trouble. No, no, I'm not questioning you. I'm like, let's, I get it. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. No, no, let me make you a hot dish in the studio. And here's this exorbitant tip and yeah, a hot dish. And also do you, well, yeah. Um, but then the plug was the wrong plug. And so then I was like searching for the right plug and ordering different plugs. And then I had ordered like three of the wrong plugs, which again, granted, I will say if

it were Richard, he would have probably researched and gotten the right plug the first or second time. So then by this time, I'm frustrated. It's like 11 o'clock at night. We both had been working, and I was like, we need to have a working washing machine in this home. Right. And I had the thing that I thought was the right one. And so I wasn't going to put it onto the washing machine that night. I just wanted to make sure that tomorrow, when I had the gumption, I had the right one. And so I wasn't going to put it onto the washing machine that night.

Just wanted to make sure that tomorrow when I had the gumption, I had the right thing. Putting the plug onto the cable coming out of the. Yeah. So the cable was not connected because we had a weird outlet at our house. And so a new cable needed to be connected to the washing machine, which I knew how to do. But it was that I kept having- Who doesn't?

I kept ordering the wrong one, like for the plug. Got it. For the outlet. For the outlet. Right. So you got a new power cable to attach to the washing machine that would fit your outlet. And when did you almost get electrocuted? your outlet and when did you almost get electrocuted? Yeah. So after the third or fourth one, I just wanted to hold it up and see like, okay, this is the right plug. Cause clearly I keep making a mistake. Yeah. So you don't do that because it's wrapped in plastic and the two ends were touching each other. And then as you know, how electricity works, if you get the plug too

close to the thing, it will arc and explosion. So I'm holding this thing. It arcs. And I did stumble backward. It did like pop and spark. It wasn't electrocution. Yes. That's the end of the story.

That's all. It was a 220, right? It was a more powerful. And my recollection is you went to plug in the plug. No, I wasn't ever going to plug it in. It was just late at night, and I just wanted to physically – I'm a visual person. I just wanted to physically see that it was right, and I made a mistake that this story has been told or requested to be told a lot. It was late at night after a beer and tequila pool destruction party,

and I just wanted to plug in a plug. Judge, I have one last question. Richard, as a safety enthusiast, I assume that before you purchase anything, you do some research and some comparative, like, hey, this might be the safest thing to get. Is that true? That's generally true, yeah.

Do you guys combine your powers of, hey, I would like this thing. Hey, let me see what the safest version of that might be. Or is it normally sort of a split up decision? Oh, I think we definitely combine our powers. And I think there's just always a tension there. I'm going for the more practical, conservative, safer version. Kate just wants power. Have you heard of the show called Compromise Brown, which is on Saturdays at nine? Have you heard of the show called Compromise Brown, which is on Saturdays at 9? I just have no relevance.

That's all. That's all. Is your point of view, Richard, that there is no paint sprayer safe enough to have in your home? The one that I think is safe enough. I mean, there are many versions that I think would be safe. I'm sure Kate would be dissatisfied with all of those. Why would she be dissatisfied? Tell me if I'm wrong, Kate.

She wants professional grade. She wants to cover a lot of surface area quickly. I don't think she would go through the process of buying a paint sprayer if it wasn't serious. Oh, I feel like we bought a nail gun that's not serious. Like, it's not a compressor-connected nail gun. It's just like a battery-operated nail gun. Oh, it's not a compressor. You didn't buy one with a— It's not a compressor.

Ah. Yes, that one is too dangerous. I agree, Richard. Okay. All right. So I think we could find—it doesn't have to be the most powerful. What I don't want is it to like clog and be janky all the time, but it doesn't have to be like, I don't even know how they work. I obviously haven't done the research, but like, you know, I don't want it to spray like from 10

feet away. I just want to be able to, as the judge has so clearly said, yeah. All right. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to render my judgment. I am going to go into my unfinished solarium. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgkin exits the courtroom and goes to his meringue porch. All right, Kate and Richard, how are you both feeling about the case? Kate? Well, I feel a lot less confident

after that really terrible washing machine story with the electricity. And electrocution does tend to darken things. Yeah, so not as confident as I was coming in. Richard, how are you feeling? I'm concerned. I'm concerned. I think that I'm just looking at the possibility of Kate having another power tool and I have some concern. Yeah. And, uh, how did you guys feel about, uh, season four,

episode five of compromise Brown that just came on yesterday. Did you, did everyone watch it or. I mean, season three was so much better. It's true. It's true. It was just a classic,

classic episode. Um, I guess we'll see what the judge has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more

is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-b-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-b-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumumFun.org.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Hey, Gene, let's take a quick break from the case and talk about what we have coming up. In fact, right now, if you are listening to this on June 29th, the day this podcast comes out, 2022, then that means it's not too late for you to come see not merely me, not merely Jesse, not merely Jennifer Marmer, but also the great Jean Grey at Lincoln Center for free under the stars at Damrush Park, June 29th, 2022. Look, I don't know when you download this podcast. I don't know when you listen to it.

Look at your favorite map and guidance app. Put in Lincoln Center. Put in your destination. I bet you could make it. I bet you could take some public transportation, bring some friends, and come see a wonderful free show. It's going to be a delight. And by the way, if you're listening to this the next day,

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Jean, what do you have going on in this world that you might want the listeners to know about? Well, most of my projects are me having to finish stuff and edit stuff and work on things. I'm in the middle of my book, which will be out next year. I'm writing a book. I'm composing that Steve Urkel musical that'll be out at the end of the year in December. So we're almost there. Let's just stop so everyone can process what you said. That Steve Urkel musical. It's not merely that. It's a holiday. It Urkel musical. It's not merely that. Yeah. It's a holiday.

It's a holiday. It's called Did I Do That to the Holidays? It's an animated feature from Warner Brothers and it'll be out in December. Yes, Jaleel White is back playing Steve Urkel. And also shout outs to Jaleel White and his role in The Hustle, which is just on Netflix. He was fantastic in it. Yeah, fantastic. And you're doing all the music for that.

That's Not How You Do That, which should be out before the end of the year. So Google Jean Grey, G-R-A-E, to keep abreast of all of these projects as they come to incredible fruition. You don't want to miss a single one of them. And Jean, you are still on the social media known as Instagram. I am. And you are Jeannie Grigio on Instagram, right? I am Jeannie Grigio. I am on Twitter, but you can't find me. I'm just there to make sure that when the revolution happens, I know. And I mean any of the revolutions.

Any of the revolutions that are... And happy pride still. Happy pride still. Okay, let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Airless sprayers are mechanical devices that compress a fluid coating like paint to force it through a small opening or spray tip at very high fluid pressure, some reaching 5,000 pounds per square inch. Spray from the gun leaks or ruptured components can inject fluid through the skin and into your body, causing serious injury, including the need for amputation. including the need for amputation. I think that I found the exact public safety PDF put forward by WorkSafe New Brunswick in Canada,

the provincial OSHA of New Brunswick, Canada, that Richard found. An employee using a high-pressure spray gun injected himself when he inadvertently put his finger in front of the spray tip. Extensive surgery and rehabilitation helped save his finger, but the incident could easily have resulted in the loss of his finger, hand, or arm. You could have come armed, as it were, Richard, to this courtroom with this kind of graphic Canadian documentation. I took a chainsaw class in Maine. We got a chainsaw because we wanted to clear some small trees on our property,

but only neither of us were going to touch that chainsaw until we went to chainsaw school at our neighbor's place. He was a local forester. And we got all of the safety equipment, including bulletproof chaps and a really cool helmet. And I thought we were going to have a really fun time cutting up logs. going to have a really fun time cutting up logs. The stories that were told about what can go wrong with a chainsaw to you or to, for example, the toddler that comes up behind you and surprises you. They would curl your toes if you had any left after using a chainsaw for five minutes. Some scary stuff, power tools. Never touched that chainsaw again. Never. That was the one time we used it. We bought it.

It still sits in our garage, mostly because I'm not sure I know how to turn it on. Too scared. Too scared. Then I learned from a neighbor about battery-powered chainsaws that are very easy to turn on. You put in the battery, they don't go, which is a scary noise. They basically go, it's so easy. They're very powerful. They can easily kill you. But after about three years of being terrified of the chainsaw, once we got the, for some reason, the battery-powered one, which not only makes less noise, which makes less scary noise, but also stops on a dime, unlike the gasoline-powered one.

I started using it, and of course, the more I used it, the more proficient I became. I'm not an expert now, but I am not terrified of it. We live amidst a lot of dangerous tools, and one of the most dangerous tools is the house that you inhabit full of dangers lurking behind every electrical panel. And another dangerous tool is either marriage or non-married cohabitation. That is a tool that when it functions well it goes very smoothly a lot more gets done more

efficiently and pleasantly with two but when it goes wrong it can cause enormous damage and in a lot of couplings partnerships the kind we're talking, cohabitating partnerships that also involve hugging and kissing and sleeping in the same room, so forth. There is usually, this tool has an engine that is making it go in one direction. And then there is often a part of the tool that is the, we'll call it the inhibitor. The part of the chainsaw that automatically shuts the chainsaw down when it bucks back up to you so that it doesn't cut your head off. And you need both parts of the tool for it to function. You need an engine to make it go and you need some safety mechanisms to make sure it doesn't cut your head off or electrocute. Kate, to me, seems like a wonderful engine.

And Richard, you seem to me like a wonderful inhibitor. You're both doing your jobs. But I absolutely, very strongly, just by, and this is unfortunate to the podcast listening audience, simply by seeing the glee and gleam in Kate's eyes whenever she considers power tools, I absolutely believe, Richard, that she is going to take it further than you are comfortable with. Oh, no. No, that's good. That's what the engine does.

That's what the engine does, because the more you use the tool the further you take it the more competent and careful you become once you are almost electrocuted once you don't let it happen again except you did electrocute me once shame on me once you're electrocuted once you don't get electrocuted again, but you did. Didn't you Kate? Didn't you? Yeah. Which one was the clothes washer plug? That was the first one.

Yeah. Right. So there was one after that. Yeah. Yeah. I think that Richard's inhibitor instinct is correct. That, you know,

the engine's job is to leap in and go, go, go, go, go, go, go. But I, I go, go, go, go. But I think that with these tools, a little inhibition on your own part is probably recommended. And I really wish you still had a big concrete hole of rubble in your backyard.

Because I think you got rid of it too quick. I think that that would have been a great place for Kate to power wash and paint spray and nail gun, all kinds of things that shouldn't be washed, sprayed, or nailed to figure out how it works in wearing the proper safety equipment in an area where no one would get hurt. That would be a great place to get a bunch of junky furniture and put it in the rubble pit and then paint spray it up and get a feel for the thing that you're working on and how the tool works. There's so much I really admire you because I've only just begun to figure out how to plug a plug into a plug to quote Casper Hauser. Like so much that I've had to learn

from, you know, working on this house that I, that I cohabitate in with my partner. And also like I had to learn how to relight a pilot light for a hot water heater, which is a thing that can explode. That's gas. And yet these things get done, mostly without people dying. That's the astonishing thing. People use chainsaws all the time without dying, proportionately more than they end up cutting off their own legs. And there is value, I think, in coming to appreciate that that happens because it makes you less fearful in this world. But what's part of the deal, Kate, is you got to learn how to use these tools. You got to go to chainsaw class, as it were, before you pick up a chainsaw. And there's got to be a lot of paint sprayer class online. And I think that you have to be on exact same page. Well, you're never going to be on the exact same page because you're two different people, but closer, you got to your, the pages of the tool manual that is your relationship have to be a

little bit closer together before you just go out and get another thing. Cause here's the deal. You overruled Richard on the Brown. I agree with you, but he's warm colors. He's not neutral colors. He's not cold colors. He's warm colors, rich. That's what I call them. Rich,

warm Browns, right? You painted over that. He didn't want the nail gun. You got the nail gun. He didn't want the power washer. You power washed him out of your life and got one. Your,

your, your partner is being painted, feels painted over. I don't know whether you really feel this way, Richard, but I think it's a fair warning. Just because you're the engine doesn't mean you can paint over the inhibitor. He also lives in this home. I would dare say he deserves a brown room of his own.

To paraphrase Virginia Woolf. Except brown is terrible and he shouldn't have it. Here's an unruly rule. You cannot buy a paint sprayer. Yet. You can rent one for fun and paint some furniture with a drop cloth in the backyard. Rent one. Enjoy it. Have fun with it.

The more you use it, the more competent you'll be with it. The more competent you are with it, the more comfortable Richard will be in it. And then, down the line, maybe a holiday will come, a birthday. Maybe Richard will get you a beautiful paint sprayer. In the meantime, rent one, get it out of your system, and be careful that you as the engine aren't completely overruling the inhibitor in the machine that is your relationship. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. All right, Richard, Kate, as the child of both of your fears and desires, I would like to now ask you how you feel about the decision. I feel tremendously relieved. And I think it's fair. I mean, it clearly a very thoughtful, wise judge. He already ruled. You don't have to. It's all right.

You can lay back on it, Richard. It already happened uh kate kate how are you feeling you get you get to rent but not exactly by yet how do you feel about that yeah yeah i'm i'm happy for richard that he prevailed i think it i think he probably feels like he prevailed so i'm happy about that uh i'm not a patient human, so it will be hard. But good compromise. And Compromise Brown to everyone again, Saturdays at 9. It is also in syndication now.

You can catch it on all channels just around the clock because it's got 25 seasons of compromising. Well, Kate and Worm Rich, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Enjoy. Thank you. Thanks so much. All right. That's another case in the books. Before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Twitter user at NYC underscore Marmar for naming this week's episode.

Here spray. What a pun. Congratulations. I'm very proud of you. That's not sarcasm. Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram dot com slash Judge John Hodgman. Post it on our Instagram account at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. So make sure to follow us. Our producer is the fabulous Jennifer Marmer and our editor is the beautiful Valerie Moffat. Now let's get to some swift justice where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. Maria says, my mother likes to save the used paper napkins after dinner. She keeps a stack of them.

Oh, no. In the kitchen to mop up spills or get gunk out of the sink. Oh no. I think it's gross because people have been wiping their mouths on them. She thinks it's environmentally friendly. Who's right? Yeah, don't. Don't. Oh no.

That's what I say. Oh no. Oh no. Mom, no. Oh no. No. Oh no. That's what I say. Oh no. Oh no. Mom, no. Oh no. Get gunk out of the sink is maybe the only thing that I could see using a used napkin for.

Oh no. But I don't know that that's right. Anywhere. No, you're contaminating everything. Everybody's saliva's in snot. Oh no. Sorry. In this economy? Sorry, Maria's mom. Maria, I side with you against your mom. Maria's mom. Stop. Come on. Stop. Stop. Oh, no. Stop it. Hey, please remember to submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. No case is too big and no case is too small. Are there cases that are too medium? Yes.

Big and small. We'll hear them all. Jean, Gray, thank you so much again for being here. I know we're going to hear from you again next week. Very exciting. So stay tuned,

everyone. Judge John Hodgman will return as we do every Wednesday. And we will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.