Judge John Hodgman - Jerseyprudence

Episode Date: August 22, 2018

Andrew brings the case against his dad, George. Andrew would like for George to come see him in Queens more often. But George says it’s too much of a trek from where he lives in New Jersey. Thank you to Andrew Scales for naming this week's case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. We regularly put out a call for submissions there.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Jersey prudence. Andrew brings the case against his dad, George. Andrew would like for George to come see him in Queens more often. George says it's too much of a trek from where he lives in New Jersey. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. I remember at 16 years old growing up in Queens, we were punks. But hey, when we went to the podcast, we wore a shirt and a tie. Similarly, I believe that to keep podcasts in existence,

they're going to have to make them an event, have a couch, a table, drinks or something. Otherwise, there's no reason to get out of your bed. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear them in. Andrew, George, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that neither New Jersey nor Queens is in his beloved region of New England? I do. I do. Judge Hodgman? You may be seated. Andrew George, for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, can either of you name the person I was quoting, misquoting a little bit, but quoting while I entered the courtroom. Andrew, let's start with you.

I'm going to go with Queens native Paul Simon. Queens native Paul Simon. We'll put that in the guest book. All right, George. I've got to go with Art Garfunkel. Art Garfunkel. For what reason exactly? Just to be contrary.

Sure. Of course. Because that's how Art Garfunkel used to talk. We were punks. At least we wore a shirt and tie. And we're here at WERU in Orland, Maine, the Sunnyside Queens of Maine, with guest producer Joel Mann. Joel, you have a guess? You want to throw in a guess?

Root Boy Slim. Root Boy. what's that? Is that like another psychedelic band that I never heard of? You've never heard of Root Boy Slim? No, all guesses are wrong. Come on, you've never heard of Root Boy Slim, Judge Hodgman?

Wait, Bailiff Jesse, have you heard of Root Boy Slim? Is this a thing? What about Slam King Banana? Have you ever heard of that? What about Bing Bong Goodbye? What about Bartleby the Scrivener? Judge, can I change my answer? Absolutely not, George, but I'll hear your

guess. Go ahead. I was going to go with Gene Simmons. Gene Simmons. Yeah. Okay. All of these guesses, guess what, are wrong. Of course, that was a quote from James Caan. James Caan, who was born in the Bronx in 1940, but grew up in Sunnyside, Queens. And of course, he's not talking about going to the podcast show. He's talking about going to the movies. But I changed the podcast in order to confuse you so that we could hear this case. Judge Hodgman, who's James Caan? James Caan is a famous actor. But you don't know James Caan? Oh, Jimmy Caan. I know him as Jimmy.

Oh, yeah. from the neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah, of course. You went to Hofstra with him and Francis Ford Coppola. Exactly. Little known fact about bailiff Jesse Thorne. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, by the way, welcome back. You were on vacation for a while. We had some wonderful guest bailiffs, but I'm very glad you're here. Did you have a nice vacation? I had two great vacations. I went to my cabin in the Sequoias, and I went with my mother to the Brimfield Antiques Show in Massachusetts, which is a commonwealth in New England. Right. That's a region of the United States. And that's a big antique show, right?

Yeah, and it was a blast. Got a lot of stuff for the Put This On Shop. Oh, yeah? What do you got? What's your favorite find? Well, I got, oh, geez. I got some very beautiful jewelry, an enameled stick pin in the color crimson with the letter H on it, which I presume stands for Yale.

You know what it stands for is how dare you. I got a wonderful silver Tiffany keychain whistle. How about that? Tweet, tweet. Fantastic. And of course, I am still in New England in the beautifully un-air-conditioned studios of WERU 89.9. Is that right, Joel? That's right. 89.9. 99.9 in Bangor. And on the FM dial and also available streaming, WERU.org, Joel Mann, manning the knobs and buttons. Two pieces of Joel Mann news. One, I checked you out at the Pentagoat Inn last night.

You did for about five minutes. You were laying down. Look, they were sold out. I would have taken a table and had a cocktail and a small plate. But they were sold out completely. You guys were killing it. The night and day jazz trio. It's Joel Mann on bass, somebody else on guitar.

Chris Poulin on guitar and vocals. Yeah. And Steve Orlovsky on baritone, soprano, tenor, and flute. And jazz flute. That's what I was hearing, some jazz flute. It could not have been more idyllic. Well done. They'll be playing the Pentagoat Inn every Tuesday evening until the end of August.

September. You've been extended. We've been extended. Oh, very good. Wow. Extended run. So you have another chance. Sure.

By September, I'll be back in New York City. It was bad enough that I had to drive 50 minutes there. I'm not going to drive nine hours to see someone play jazz flute as much as I love you, Joel. Love that jazz flute too. And we had a good time DJing a Joe Bird and the Field Hippies record for the pledge drive. If you didn't get it, it's archived at WERU.org. Go listen to me and Joel Mann listen to psychedelic music and have our brains explode. But now we're here with you, Andrew and George.

Thanks for your patience. We did some of that housekeeping and hellos. Thanks for your patience as we did some of that housekeeping and hellos. Andrew and George, you are in a dispute over George being uninterested in visiting his own son, Andrew, in Queens. The case is brought by you, Andrew. What is your problem with your dad? That's basically it. My parents visit me a lot in the city where I work in Manhattan. But whenever I ask them to come out to Queens, that seems to be a deal breaker. And I'd like to just air my grievances out in the open.

And seek some relief. Yeah, I mean, I've been living in Sunnyside, Queens for five years at this point. And it's my first home outside of my parents' house. And it's just a really important place to me that I'd like to share with my parents. And Sunnyside Queens, that's Jimmy Conville. You know what I mean? Everyone knows. Big Spider Becky died there. It's a great neighborhood. And you have a home there. You have an apartment. What do you got? Yeah. So I'm living in a one bedroom apartmentroom apartment with my wife Savannah and our two cats, Ziggy and Boo. And we have a nice classic queen-style apartment with some, we have a carved-in bookshelf to our wall and just some odd charming quirks that

all Sunnyside apartments seem to have. And you want them to come out there and stay with you for a few nights or just have a dinner? There's a couple things I'd want them to do. Mainly explore the neighborhood that I'm living in. There's some stores that I'm quite fond of, like vintage shops. And also Sunnyside is known for sort of its diverse global culinary scene. So I want them to try the Tibetan food, which Sunnyside is sort of making a name for itself with. And then just I'd love to cook them dinner at my apartment, which I've never done. They've cooked me countless meals, delicious food. When I was growing up in New Jersey and still host me often at their house on the Jersey shore. But I've never had the chance yet to cook a meal for them in my apartment that I pay for and just

do the whole thing as the host. What are you going to make? Probably Mexican food. No, no way. Nope. Forget it. I find in favor of George. Thank you, Your Honor. Andrew, I'm just kidding. I was going to say no to whatever you suggested. Yeah, yeah. Setting you up. George, listen to your boy.

He's, how old are you, Andrew? 28. 28. And you got a job and a wife. What's your job? So I work at a university in Manhattan in their School of Nonprofit Management. And I'm a grad student there as well. Yeah. Your boy is a professor of lose money management. He's house proud. He's

hood proud. George, how many times have you visited this apartment? We actually helped him move into the apartment, Your Honor. And then as soon as you left, you're like, we're never coming back. Yeah, we're done. We're out of here. And then we drove through Staten Island, and I said, I'm never coming back here. And you live on the Jersey Shore. We live exit 98 on the Jersey Shore, yes. We don't want people to track you down. We've been in a number of times early on. I'll have to say over the last, probably the first year we were in, several times.

And how long have you lived there, Andrew? Five years at this point. And how many times has he visited in the past four years, would you guess? I'd say three to five times. But I think the issue is that a lot of those were, like two, were probably logistical moving days. So now that I know the neighborhood, I've been here for five years. I really know the places that I want to show my dad. So I think that's an issue too. In that first year, maybe I didn't know the exact places to show them and how to like give them the character of the neighborhood.

Right. They were driving back through heavy traffic. Your mom and dad were like, I don't understand why Andrew was showing us that street lamp. We've seen street lamps. He doesn't know this neighborhood at all. It's terrible. He showed us a mailbox. Yeah, more or less. I just picked a random brunch spot on the corner. And now I sort of have places that I'm a regular at that I just want to introduce them to. I'm imagining that you made the fatal mistake of instead of giving them Tibetan food, you gave them Nepalese food. Classic newbie sunnyside error all right you picked a rando brunch place you didn't wow them now they're never coming back george why don't you like going to queens what's the travel like to get to there from where you are and exit 98 your honor i wouldn't

like going to brooklyn either or um any of the broncs for that matter. I don't know my butt from a pineapple about New York City, getting around, whether driving or mass transportation. I'm just not a city person. I'm a white knuckle guy when I drive in. I don't like the traffic. I don't like the bridges. I don't like the honking. I just don't like it. It makes me nervous. Can I cover a couple of other fruits real quick? Sure. Do you know your butt from a plum? Yeah.

Actually, I have an issue with a pineapple. What about the cherimoya or custard apple? I'm not familiar with those, so I couldn't answer. What about the satsuma? Not in my realm of knowledge. I don't know about that it's a seedless easy to peel tangerine yeah so i would know that okay uh well we know all the fruits that your butt is not like right and we know some of the fruits that your butt is so

similar to you wouldn't know the difference yeah i guess my concern now is that you have a yellowish green scaly butt, which I mean, I could understand why driving would be uncomfortable. Yeah. I looked at a map and you both sent in some evidence and the evidence of course will be available on the Judge John Hodgman page at MaximumFun.org and on our Instagram, which is Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman. If you would like to follow along, pull over to the side of the road first before you start looking at your phones, everybody. Children who are driving, stop driving. You need to be older. And I will look at this evidence in a moment. I looked at some evidence of my own. I used

Google Maps, popular mapping tech. There are others out there, Apple Maps. And it showed me today that if I wanted to drive from your town in New Jersey, exit 98, did you say? Exit 98. Yeah. Did you say the town's name? Do you mind naming the town? Spring Lake, New Jersey. Spring Lake, New Jersey. So I mapped the course if you were driving from Spring Lake, New Jersey to Sunnyside, Queens, and it looked like it would take about an hour and 50 minutes through some pretty hairy bridges and tunnels. That would be without traffic, I think. Yeah, well, it was in the orange, which meant you would have some real slowdowns. And if you're a mature gentleman, you're old enough to have a 28-year-old son

who is used to cruising down Spring Lake Boulevard or whatever. And what do you drive? I drive an Acura. An Acura? Oh. I wish it was like a Lincoln Town Car, like classic Panther chassis body that's like powder blue. Oh, that's the one you want to have on the Jersey Shore, don't you think?

I like my Acura. All right. Yeah, I can tell. Sorry. Didn't mean to insult you, sir. That's okay. Anyway, yeah, driving into the city is no fun. But, you know, Andrew sent in some evidence suggesting that you could easily take trains.

Is that right, Andrew? Tell me what we're seeing here in the evidence. Yeah. So when my parents come into the city, they usually will take a train to Penn Station. New Jersey, what is it? NJ Transit. It'll take them an hour and a half or so to get into Penn Station, which is a significant commitment, I agree. But I've laid out a couple options that I think are less arduous than the driving would be. And I think the key one I found is the Long Island Railroad. The first stop on the LIRR, 11 minutes away from Penn Station, is Woodside, Queens, which is eight blocks away from my

apartment. Right. So, George, you can just take the Coast Train on the New Jersey Transit into Penn Station and switch to the Long Island Railroad. Why don't you do that? Well, again, I'm not a city person. I'm not familiar with mass transit. Makes me nervous. It's not as if we're not meeting with Andrew in Savannah. We come into the city quite often.

We buy dinner. Andrew picks the restaurant, and that's kind of how we handle his request. There's also never been a specific request to come into Queens on a specific date, time, restaurant, venue. I want to cook dinner. That's never really happened. Andrew, how do you respond to that, that you have not officially invited your mom and dad to your home? I'm recalling one incident that maybe is playing differently in my mind, but one evening my parents came into the city to go out to dinner and I wanted to take them to a spot in Queens that I really liked in Long Island City. We went down into the subway and

we waited for about 15 minutes and something seemed to be off with the trains. And then my dad requested that we pivot to someplace in Manhattan to save some time. And after that incident, I just, I would on occasion bring up to my mom that I'd love to have them in Queens. But we would do this awkward sort of mediator thing where she'd say, well, you know, dad doesn't really like that. And I've had trouble even making the invite because I felt like that it was causing him this anxiety, I guess. felt like that it was causing him this anxiety, I guess. Your Honor, my issue is I don't want to be getting home at 12 o'clock at night. For me, that's too late.

I sit in my recliner every night. I'm out by 9 o'clock. I'm sleeping. So for me, midnight is too late. And essentially, going the way I know how to go, if I took the 7 line into Queens from Penn Station, we're talking about basically an hour more each way. And we have to drive to Metro Park to get the train in New Jersey. So it's a three hour endeavor one way, three hour there, three hours back. You have dinner, you know, you've got travel time in the city. It's midnight. I just can't do that. Right. What do you do down there? You're a mature gentleman. Are you retired? Do you still work? What's going on? I'm really mature. Yes, no,

I own a business. Karate dojo? No. Is it a milkshake stand? No. Do you want to know what it is? We know it's not a greengrocer. No, we're going to guess it. It's not a fruit stand, that's for sure. No. And it's not a proctology practice. No, it's not a pineapple shop. I don't know.

Is it a free-form radio station? No. Restaurant that only serves cereal? You're getting colder. Okay. What is it, sir? Real estate brokerage? You're getting colder. Okay. What is it, sir? Real estate brokerage. Real estate brokerage. Okay. And you're a member of the Chamber of Commerce, it says here?

I am a president of the Chamber of Commerce. Excuse me. I apologize, Mr. President. I've never understood what a Chamber of Commerce is. What's going on there? It's advocacy for local businesses. We're in a small town. We've got a downtown, a main street, and we help with marketing. We run events. We answer questions that the public has about the town and about tourism. It's a beach town. Right. It's trying to get people into the downtown to spend money at the businesses and let them know what a great place Spring Lake is.

Is that what it's called again? Spring Lake is. Yeah, that's exactly right yeah okay great well I'm sold come on down done you know why because you sound like a nice guy and I don't mind traveling I guess I would have preferred Karate Dojo but I'm willing to accept it let's take a quick break and hear about another wonderful show provided to your ears by MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Judge John Hodgman. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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Court is back in session. Let's return to the courtroom to hear more of the case. George, you sent in some evidence with regard to this train turnaround. As soon as the train was delayed a few minutes, you wanted to stay in Manhattan. You sent in some evidence of text messages between you and your son recounting all the difficulties that he's had on New York City public transit. Is that correct? That's correct, Your Honor. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

That was one text message. That's correct, Your Honor. That was just the tip of the iceberg. That was one text message. It was a particularly harrowing trip Andrew and Savannah had back from Spring Lake to Manhattan later at night. In fact, the record should indicate that Andrew doesn't like to travel and really won't travel late at night back to the city now because of some of the sights and sounds on the trains late at night. I also had many texts of him driving and being stuck outside the Lincoln, the Holland Tunnel rather, for hours and had to talk him off the ledge quite a few times. So he's not a big fan of driving to or from the city either. You're suggesting that Andrew is trying to trick you into going to Queens and coming back late at night because he's too scared to go visit you on public transit? I don't know if he's scared. I think he's smart. The text message is available for you to review on the Instagram and on the show page. But

basically, it's Andrew texting to his dad talking about a guy on the train who was claiming to have a bird in a shoebox, I guess threatening to show it to people, which sounds terrible, and people yelling and then it gets stuck and everything else. There's a reason why I wanted to call attention to this evidence in particular is that, George, you are identified on this text chain not as George but as Georgie. Have you been using a false name in this court? Are you George or are you Georgie? I used to be Georgie Porgie as a youngster, but Andrew's never really called me Georgie. He just calls you Porgie? Sometimes he calls me Porgie, yeah. Can I call you Pudding Pop?

Pudding Pie. Oh, thank you. But you're a dad, so just trying to show you some respect. Thank you so much. So George, let me ask you, aside from the travel, like you have come into Manhattan, a world-class borough in a world-class city, many times, and you have admitted your almost literal attempt to derail the evening's plans as soon as that train didn't come in on time and stay in Manhattan rather than go to the most disgusting place on earth, Queens. Is part of this that you

just like Manhattan better than Queens? Well, I do love Manhattan, but I, you know, I'm sure I'd love some of the restaurants in Queens. Andrew and I have very different palates. I'm not a big Ethiopian Indian food guy, but I try different things when he suggests. He usually almost invariably picks the restaurants, and I'm happy with that. The only thing I've asked is that it be in Manhattan. I cannot do the late nights during the week. I just can't do it. You're not an Ethiopian, Tibetan, Nepalese food guy. You're from the northern Jersey Shore, right? So would you be a Taylor ham guy? Pork roll. Pork roll.

Good for you, sir. Yeah, thank you. I grew up visiting my mom's family in Philadelphia and in Ocean City, New Jersey, which is more southerly, and we always had pork roll there. But I thought northern New Jersey was Taylor Ham. They called it the same thing. It's the same processed meat in both places, but has a different name in different parts of New Jersey. Is that not so? That's correct.

I actually grew up in Bergen County, and in Bergen County, it is Taylor Ham. But in Spring Lake, it's Taylor Pork Roll. It's Pork Roll. Forget the Taylor. We don't give Taylor credit. Fair enough. Take's pork roll. Forget the tailor. We don't give tailor credit. Fair enough. Take that, tailor. So, Andrew, here's the thing. You admit that you didn't do a great job introducing your mom and dad to Queens when they first helped you move in. You know the neighborhood better now. You know your dad's tastes in restaurants. What would you do to sell

him on Queens now that you know better? Now you need to be the Chamber of Commerce of Sunnyside. You saw how he smooth talked me into booking my next vacation in Spring Lake, which I just did online. Smooth talk him, tell him what's going on there that everyone needs to see. I want to know. I've never been to Sunnyside either. So let's go. Here we go. Chamber of Commerce it up. I guess the easiest place to start is that when New York Times did their rankings of all New York neighborhoods, they placed Sunnyside second out of every single neighborhood in the entire city because of its incredible diversity and global food scene, the community, the streets are all lined with these giant old trees. And there's all kinds of like quirky houses with these oddly painted wooden doors. And the whole neighborhood historically has been a place that during the Red Scare, some of the artists in Manhattan moved to

Sunnyside to escape the commie shaming that was going on. And they really sort of built this character of this neighborhood that's completely under the radar, I'd say, but is infinitely charming and just a great place to stroll around and get to know. But you know your dad's preferences, you know, the global food restaurants. He just wants to find a pork roll shop. So that's a net negative. Second of all, quick follow-up question. In that New York Times ranking of the best neighborhoods in New York, what was number one? Sunnyside was two. What was number one? Park Slope. Yeah, you're damn right it was. I can't drop this microphone because it's attached to an arm here at WERU, but I would.

Who would you rather visit, Georgie, your son in Sunnyside, Queens, or me, John Hodgman in Park Slope? I guess it depends on the decision today. Yeah, that might be what it comes down to. No, I might come in Park Slope? I guess it depends on the decision today. Yeah, that might be what it comes down to. No, I might come into Park Slope. Actually, I've gone to a basketball game, to a Nets game in Brooklyn with Andrew. You'd rather visit sports than your own son. No, I visited sports with my own son.

A technicality, I believe is the sports term. Andrew, if I were to find in your favor, it says here that you would like to share with your dad your five favorite things in Sunnyside, Queens. Is that correct? Yeah. What are those five favorite things? First of all, of course, raindrops on roses. Yep. Whiskers on kittens yeah i was i was thinking of the next line i couldn't uh yes and you jesse i'm sorry i barely got it myself andrew i was about to say muskrats on kittens and then i'm like that doesn't make any sense although that does sound fun it'd be a lot of action you know one of my number one thing with a bullet in sunnyside queens the underground muskrats on kittens rodeos.

And the bohemian beer garden. Yeah. Oh, that's the other thing. You're selling your dad on the bohemian lifestyle and the long legacy of commies coming to Sunnyside to escape persecution. Your dad is president of the Chamber of Commerce. Yeah. He's infamous in town for being a lefty. They all know that he's like the only Democrat in Spring Lake. So I think he's there with me.

He raised me to appreciate artists and progressive values. Good. Thank you for your service, sir. Good job, Georgie. Okay, here we go. Andrew's five faves, starting with number five. Okay, five. There's a place across the street from me. It's going to be hard to do this without naming them. I want Sunnyside to thrive. I want Spring Lake to thrive. I want these two towers of civilization to both thrive and join.

So let's go. Number five. Okay. Great. There's a Mexican place called De Mole that does amazing mole chicken and brisket stew and kick-ass sangria as well. What kind of moles are we talking about? Black moles? Red moles?

Black mole. That red mole's? Black mole. That's good. Yeah. It's delicious. George, your son's obsessed with Mexican food. How do you feel about mole? Oaxacan cuisine.

Not a big mole guy, Judge. I tried it once. Not a big mole guy. I do like Mexican food, though. That's not going to move the needle. Okay, here we go, Andrew. Number four. Number four is a vintage shop called Stray Vintage, and they stock records, candles, vintage accessories, sort of like, Jesse, what you will sell on Put This On. So basically like all the stuff that a real estate broker who's the president

of the chamber of commerce needs yeah andrew listen to yourself you're like oh and jesse you would like this place a lot you're not trying to get jesse to visit you your dad number four is a bust vintage shops george does that move the needle for you no no right of course not everything you own is vintage. That's correct. Brrrr. Number three is a bar called Alcove, and it's a new spot that opened up. It's a small little room that serves sangria out of a retrofitted fire hydrant, and the owner sort of makes the rounds and gets to know everyone in the bar and it's quintessentially Sunnyside. There's all kinds of different people in there and everyone's just laughing and having a great time. Even I think that sounds horrible.

I'm only 47 and I'm already too crotchety for that scene. I bet it's a beautiful scene. Sangria out of a fire hydrant, Georgie. Does that work for you? Yeah, no, it doesn't float my boat. All right, here we go. Number two. All right, number two is a spot called Dawah's, which is a double-sided menu where half is sort of fine American dining staples that they do farm-to-table food with.

The other half is Himalayan food, but it's a chef that sort of made the rounds in Manhattan, sort of at famous restaurants, then opened up a place in Sunnyside to show her culture's cuisine and also the food she was cooking in manhattan as well that place sounds dope to me i don't know what about you george intriguing to me as well yep intriguing intriguing i like it what's the name of this place again uh dawas dawa spell it for me d-a-w-a-s okay got it. Dawas. Locked it in. Good. Yeah. Now, number one.

Okay. Number one's easy. Wait, wait, wait. Andrew, wait a minute. Before, you only have one more shot. You only have one more bite at the pineapple in your dad's butt. I want you to think about this. This has to seal the deal. The first three were duds.

You intrigued him with Dawas and me. Right? Number one, this is the thing you love the most about Queens. I want you to think, is it going to be a crazy record shop? Is it going to be a vintage VHS place? Is it going to be a place that serves Pepsi clear

out of a fire hose? Or is it going to be a place that serves Pepsi clear out of a fire hose? Or is it going to be something like, I love my dad and I just want to share this world with him? You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Number one.

Okay. Number one's easy. It's a stroll around the neighborhood with me and my wife and then dinner at my apartment that I cook. And we just sort of have a nice night where the roles are reversed from childhood, where I can finally just host my parents and sort of casually help them get to know the neighborhood. And you put him to bed.

In Queens? In Queens. I just, there's this desire that I have to, I obviously can't pay them back for everything that they've done financially and everything. You certainly can't because you're specifically working as an academic in the field of non-profit business management. So no, you can't pay them back. Yeah, but I can have a nice night where I host them to my apartment. I spend time cooking something and we just have them in our space now that we've completely put it together and they've helped us move. And yeah, that's something that's really appealing to me. All right, George, you've heard the pitch. If I were to rule in your favor,

what would you have me rule? I would just ask for some dispensation from you, Your Honor, to not do it during the week. I work. In the real estate business, you work on weekends sometimes, so Saturdays are out for me. I would ask for some consideration in terms of timing. Saturdays are out for me. I would ask for some consideration in terms of timing. I love my son. He's my heart. He's the kindest, the smartest person I know.

And I'd do anything for him. Oh, my goodness. How can I rule against that, Andrew? I'm going to have to think about this. I'm getting a little misty here. Joel, I need you to bring me back to New England emotional crippled recalcitrants. It's starting to snow outside. Yeah, it is August after all. Okay, I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into my chambers, which I have for this episode, fashioned as a perfect replica of James Caan's childhood bedroom. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Andrew, you brought this case. How do you feel about your chances? I felt better going in. I really thought that I had the sentimental corner locked down, but that last plea was almost unbeatable. So feeling less confident now, I'd say. What did you picture your dad buying at the records and vintage store? I pictured him having a conversation with the owner, who I've grown friendly with, and just learning about the oddities in there.

I don't know. He used to go antiquing a lot, so I thought maybe he'd be interested in finding the— In a Bell and Sebastian record? Yep. Yep. George, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? Well, it was good to hear what Andrew has on his heart. And, you know, I'm not a cold person. I definitely, it's just about timing, Jesse. If we were invited, a specific invitation, and maybe not through his mom, but directly to me, I think that might work out.

What if the food was stewed, though? I mean, you've come out against Indian, against Ethiopian, against mole's. Yeah, stewed prunes, no. No, not happening. Even stewed tomatoes, not a big fan. No. I know you like Mexican food. I wouldn't want you to eat any al pastor since it might have pineapples in it.

You might think you were eating your own butt. Sorry, I keep going back to that. I just think the idea of a pineapple butt is funny. You love that. I do. I'm a professional entertainer, sir. What am I doing here? We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a second.

Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. with Janet Varney is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-H.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. Oh, oh, oh, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. You may be seated.

So first of all, Andrew, I'm going to give you credit. You have two cats, correct? Yes. And their names again? Ziggy and Boo. Georgie and Porgy. Okay. And you did not try to sway this court

by sneaking pictures of your cute cats into your evidence. And I appreciate your restraint. Well, thank you. But other than that, I've got some hard news for you. When we grow up, we move into worlds. We find the worlds that are meaningful to us.

And it is not always possible that our parents, whom we love, are going to share the same interest in those worlds. It might be because you're from the country, you move to the city, and you want your parents to see your life, but they like where they live in the country, or vice versa. You grew up in the city, you move to the country. Let's say you move to a coastal community in Maine that is full of dangerous water and precarious boats. And it speaks to you and your wife in a very deep way to go out onto cold water and go to painful islands. And your own beloved dad, well, you know, we're talking about me now. My own beloved dad is very kind and wants to visit us in this world.

But it became very clear that he was not going to get in that boat because he does not like it, does not like to get on a boat. It makes him nervous, especially a tippy rowboat and go to an island. There was no pleasure in that for him. And it was really a hard moment for me to appreciate when he walked to the end of the dock and looked at the boat. And he had already been like suffering a bit here in Maine, because that's what you come to Maine to do. And he looked at that and he said, I just, I don't want to do this. I was like, oh, dad, I'm so sorry. Of course. Let's go. Let's go to the movies or something. And now he does visit us in Maine, but we drive south to Portland and he drives north from Brookline to Portland, which is a great fun town, which is a lot more comfortable

for a mature person. He's older than you are, George. I know your age because they gave it to me. But it's a much more comfortable place for him to visit because he can stay in a hotel. There are shops and stores for him to walk around in. He can take us out to dinner, which is what parents love to do at a restaurant. Rather than sitting at the edge of a hurdy beach, cracking open a disgusting lobster by fire. I mean, it's wonderful for us, but it's not for everyone. It's not for everyone. And I think that, you know, your dad and you, obviously,

and I presume mom, share a true bond of love. You're your dad's heart. Remember he said that? And he loves seeing you and Savannah andorgie and porgy the cats or whatever ziggy and freak or whatever their names are i can't remember your cat's names i'm sorry all right i got a lot to balance in my head what is it again uh ziggy and boo that goes close i got one of them ziggy and boo but your dad doesn't want to go to the vintage shop dad doesn't want to go drink a sangria bomb out of a fire hydrant.

He doesn't want to. You talked about like the thing you said about that place. Your number one descriptor was it's small. I'm like, oh, no, do not want. Cannot be in. Should I use cozy? I don't know. Worse.

Don't use your father's own real estate words against him. My favorite descriptor of a restaurant is empty, abandoned. He doesn't want to have the owner of that place coming around and touching his shoulder and saying, hey, man, good to see you, pops. It's not for him. It's for you. That's for you. For you to enjoy. Preach it, Judge. Preach it. your dad has come out he helped you move he loves you he visits you in the big city where he wants

to be it may be that he just never gets queens the way you do because you're different people as much as you love each other that's it he. He's got to give it one more try. I'm sorry, George. But I heard the tables begin to turn on Dawas. Even you admitted that was intriguing to you, George. Yeah, what's more intriguing is a home-cooked dinner. Andrew's a great cook, so is Savannah. So, you know, they had me at dinner at home. Right. And that was his number one favorite thing in Sunnyside, was a chance to share this world with you, now that he knows it a little bit better. Not for nothing, as they say, but this is the number two best neighborhood in New York after Park Slope.

You've got to check it out. That's not fake news. Check it out. Something's going on there. I got to check it out. That's not fake news. Check it out. Something's going on there. I want to check it out now. I hope everyone else does too. Joel, you want to go to Sunnyside with me? Let's go.

All right. So here's the deal. Do I get to come? Sorry, Jesse. Jesse, you want to come too? Yeah. All right. Yeah, good.

I love mole. Yeah. We're going to have some mole we're gonna get some sangria bongs going it'll be great wait sangria bongs yeah yeah we're gonna do keg stands out of the sangria fire hydrant because i'm not old yet i'm gonna. But meanwhile, here's what you're going to do. Okay? You want to give back to your parents. You want to share your world with them, and you want to make them a meal.

You're going to find the best time of year to be in Queens. I'm going to guess May. Not too hot, not too cold, not too stinky, right? You are going to find them near you. I hope this is within your means, but I think that it is worth it to save up for if you can. Get them an Airbnb near you so that they can spend the weekend with you. One weekend as a gift to them. You go to Dawas, one weekend as a gift to them. You go to Dawas. You make him a pork roll breakfast.

You make him dinner at home. There's a hang. You can walk him home and tuck him in at that Airbnb and read him a fairy tale of Queens. You're going to plan it out in advance enough that he can have that weekend and plan for it and not be worried about work and just have a Queens adventure. And then you sneak the vintage store in. You don't sell him on the vintage store. You sneak it in like, oh, here's that vintage place we're talking about.

And your dad's going to go in there and next thing you know, he's going to be walking out of there with a vintage vinyl copy of Big Science by Laurie Anderson wearing a pork pie hat that he got. It's going to be great. Is this outside of your financial means completely, would you say? No, it's within my financial means. Yeah. Have a great time. And then they'll come for that one weekend. And George, I'm ordering you to do this.

And then if they love it, they will return. And if they just have a great time, but it's like, fine, we did it, then fine, they did it. And then you meet them in Manhattan, just like I met my own dad in Portland, the Manhattan of Maine. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. George, how do you feel? I feel great. I feel great. You know, we can do things on Sundays.

I think the hang-up, Jesse, has been during the week. You know, not going to do during the week. I don't want to get home after midnight. You know, I'm just too old for that. Got to get in that recliner. Got to get that drool going. Got to get in that recliner. Got to get that drool going.

Andrew, how are you feeling? Good. I mean, I think the first part of the judge's verdict was a little difficult to hear, but the idea of an Airbnb completely removes all the pressure to do things quickly. And I think, yeah, it's a good compromise. George, Andrew, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you so much. Another Judge John Hodgman case in the books. Before we dispense our swift justice,

we want to thank Andrew Scales for naming this week's episode Jersey Prudence. If you'd like to name a future episode like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook, we regularly put out our calls for submissions there. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. And check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode at MaximumFun.reddit.com.

This week's episode recorded by Ivan Kuriev at Argo Studios in New York City and by Joel Mann at WERU Radio in Orland, Maine. Our producer is the legendary Jennifer Marmer. Now, let's get to Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment. You ready for this, Judge? I am ready. Here's something from Carrie. Is it okay for me to harvest grapes from my neighbor's grapevine?

It's right on the sidewalk, and for the past six years, the grapes have gone unharvested. They also don't shovel or mow their lawn very often, if that makes a difference. So, you know, Jesse, there's a saying, if you have to ask, you'll never know. Yeah. I feel like a lot of these questions are a riff on that. It's like, if you're asking, you already know that you're wrong. Yeah. Because, like, you could be asking them permission.

Can I have some of the grapes that you never eat? But instead, you're going behind their back, coming to a podcast and going, it's cool that I'm stealing grapes, right? This is like the soda water question. Yeah. People are telling me all soda water is free. Well, if all soda water is free, just go say, hey, do you mind if I take some soda water? Yeah.

Just check in with the people who own the thing that you want to take. It's not your property. And the fact that these guys are slobs and they're not mowing their lawn or shoveling their snow or harvesting their grapes doesn't entitle you to their street grapes. If you can't ask them, then don't take it. They'll probably be glad. It's like, finally. Finally, she took the bait. Get rid of all these grapes.

Too many grapes here. Where can you grow grapes like that, Jesse? In California, I guess? I think we could probably have grapes here. I mean, I think if you want really nice grapes for wine, you've got to go to like a Santa Barbara or Sonoma. But I think here in Los Angeles, there's probably microclimates where grapes will go quite nicely.

Great, great microclimates. Yeah. You could have a little rooftop vineyard atop MaxFun HQ. microclimates where grapes will go quite nicely. Great, great microclimates. Yeah. You could have a little rooftop vineyard atop MaxFun HQ. I think Los Angeles' slogan should be the Orchard City. It only makes sense now that you say it. Wouldn't that be nice? Exactly so.

Cherimoyas grow best in and around Santa Barbara. What are those? That's the custard apple, John. Custard apple? It looks like a weird dragon lizard egg. Mm-hmm. And the flesh inside is sweet and soft and almost creamy. Yeah. And it has big black seeds that are very satisfying to spit out.

It's one of the tastiest fruits there is. And it sounds like a euphemism for something gross. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, submit it. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO or even just email us at Hodgman at Maximumfund.org. No case is too small. L-S at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. No case is too small. We particularly appreciate exotic fruit-related cases. Got a dragon fruit case?

Hit us up. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Dragon fruit is a very cool-looking fruit, but very bland. Yeah, it's unremarkable. The cherimoya is a fruit that delivers both exciting, dynamic looks and delicious flavor. I don't know. It sounds like a real custard apple to me, if you know what I mean. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.