Judge John Hodgman - Jesse Finds a Crux

Episode Date: April 13, 2016

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn clear out the docket on free refills, open mics (or is it open MIKES?), canoe weekends and what to do if your friend recommends a book he hasn't actually read.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket. How are you, Judge Hodgman? I'm very well. How are you, Bailiff Jesse Thorne? I'm very well as well. I just interviewed Sharon Horgan, the co-star of the wonderful television show Catastrophe. And she asked me some really intimate questions

while i was trying to interview her she asked she turned the tables absolutely enthusiastically turned the tables and can you give us a little tease a little a little a little preview of what we might hear uh my wife and i love each other very, and we're not afraid to express our love. Right, but you don't sit on the same side of the booth at a diner. No, we look into each other's eyes, as lovers should. Yeah, good. Well, I'm doing very well, because I can now confirm to the podcast listening audiences of the world, or at least this podcast listening audience of the world, of the world or at least this podcast listening audience of the world uh that the day before uh max fun con coming up in june 10th of this year the day before it the 9th i'm continuing my

what has now become a uh a tradition of doing a performance at largo at the coronet in los angeles the night before oh that's lovely many Max Fun Con attendees make it their business to attend that performance. Well, look, no one has to do anything they don't feel like doing. And indeed, I'm going to tell you that the performance that I'm giving is the performance of my one man show Vacationland, which, you know, I toured last fall and I did not take it to L.A. last fall, in part because I had done an earlier version of this show. But I love this show. And if you saw it, gosh, over a year ago at Largo, there's a lot of new material in it. And I think altogether, it's a much more mature one man storytelling, talking, jokey monologue or whatever it is that I do. And and if you didn't see it then, none of this matters.

And I'd love for anyone within the sound of my voice who can make it their business to be in Los Angeles, California, Thursday, June 9th at 7 p.m., Vacationland by John Hodgman at the Largo at the Coronet, my, my favorite place to perform in Los Angeles. And I will mention, speaking of Max FunCon, that Max FunCon East tickets are now officially on sale. Labor Day weekend in the Poconos. Go to maxfuncon.com. We don't reveal the lineup, but, um, it will be very fun, very fun, and me. There's a lot of amazing stuff already booked for MaxFunCon East, in addition to the pleasure of joining with your fellow charming, lovely enthusiasts in warm-hearted handshakes and hugs and imbibing of artisanal cocktails

and whatnot. There is not a, you know, I would, I would never miss max fun, but there are lots of people who live on the East coast, uh, who are not able to go out to California. And this is your opportunity to, to rub elbows, which is a long tradition that we do where it's a lot of elbow rubbing it gets very intimate yeah and a little chafey yeah yeah you might you might want to bring some shea butter yeah or an unguent of some kind it's gonna be it's going to be a lot of fun and i'm i'm glad that it's happening again should we clear the docket here sure okay the docket of all our plugs we've got something from hillary hillary says you got to know my husband rick aka the pig what episode father gnaws beast um yes we certainly this guy

this guy's creep this guy's creeping into my feet again yeah man he's all up in our business that's right you know i got i got him i got him bugging me on tumblr asking me questions on tumblr weird dads are on tumblr now the pig if you guys don't know the pig is a weird dad who loves to eat meat of all kind and equally loves to gross out his vegetarian daughters. And he he's a he's a fine fella. But he just well, of course, you know, because he just came back. He snuck into the podcast just a couple of weeks ago to for a little update on what's going on there. Dude's still eating meat and grossing out his daughters.

This guy. So now what's up with him? Now he's doing it on Snapchat probably. Yeah, right. So Hillary says, my daughters Kim and Jen have encouraged me to write to you

with another dispute. We live in Chicago and we have a small cabin on a river in Indiana for weekend canoe trips. For 35 years, we've been hosting these large canoe trip weekends

for about 8 to 15 people per weekend. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How long? How long? How long have they been about 35 years 35 years and dudes were right here you know what i mean i've been doing this for 35 years i've been on the podcast three times now our visitors bring tents and camp out we cook out on a campfire and go canoeing it's a lot no thank you sorry i'm sure it's fun for you guys uh but it's also a lot of work she says yeah no i know this it sounds like a lot of work during these trips rick thinks he should get a certain amount of work credits he claims these

credits for the following reasons one it was his idea to buy the property 35 years ago which i dispute two he had the idea for canoe trips. And three, he does the organization, sending out the invitations, planning the activities, and so forth. He invented canoe trips? Yeah. He had the idea for canoe trips. Before, people would just canoe in a circle.

They didn't even think. The main problem was they didn't think to paddle on both sides of the canoe. Right. So they would just go in a long arc and then hit another part of the lake. Yeah. Right. Rick says that doing this high quality think work, that's in quotation marks, needless to say, beforehand exempts him from some of the physical labor.

He also feels that if I ask him to do a job gathering firewood, for example, and he delegates it to someone else, that's just as good as doing it himself. I feel embarrassed to have him tasking our guests who are helpful on their own with our jobs as hosts. I ask you to compel Rick to do more on the ground labor and order him to stop passing off his jobs to our guests so so when hillary misses the pig instructs rick aka the pig to go out and gather firewood and do chores he turns around and asks the guests to do it yeah exactly and also he says he shouldn't have to do it in general because of the high quality think work he's already done because he invented the concept of canoeing yeah he gave he gave that gift he was the first to hollow out a cedar log well uh jesse i have formed a fairly fast opinion really uh yeah i'm working on a new

concept here in the fake court of judge john hodg. It's a new concept that I'm calling pre-judging. I use prejudice to speed up the judging process by making a judgment before I even hear the case based on the pig clogging up my at mentions. You can make it based on the assumptions that you're able to draw from incomplete information. Right. No, I gave it a fair hearing and I've come to the correct opinion. Jesse, do you want to guess what my opinion is?

Or do you have your own opinion? He needs to give it a rest. Come on. Right. Or do you have your own opinion? He needs to give it a rest. Come on. Right.

We already know that the pig is looking for any loophole to shove meat into his mouth at the expense of his vegetarian daughters. So it does not surprise me in the least that he is now trying to foist work off onto his own guests. And, you know, his excuse that it was his idea to buy a house in the country, just like he apparently invented camping, is like, that's pure the pig bald-faced shamelessness. And even if this court were to buy into the pig's shadow currency of, what does he call them? Work credits. Work credits based on high quality idea work. Right. Even if I were to say, all right, fair deal. You guys created your own work currency.

Your guests shouldn't have to suffer and work because you conjured up some Bitcoin of laziness. asks you to do something the pig either do it or say no to her face in front of your guests and see how that makes you look and feel no you cannot make guests do work that was requested of i mean you could ask your guest you mind doing this but if if your wife turns to you and says, please put this log on the fire, you don't. Hey, Tab. I don't know why his friend's name is Tab. You go put that log on the fire. And I certainly don't expect you to order me to gather firewood when Jesse and I come out there for a visit.

I'll be stirring the martinis. Here's something from Rachel. visit. I'll be stirring the martinis. Here's something from Rachel. My husband Jim and I have a long-running dispute about improper bedding usage. When reclining on the couch or in our marital bed, he will often place a pillow on top of his stomach or next to his body, but not under any part of him. Similarly, he will often lie on top of blankets instead of under them. If I'm cold and ask him for the blanket he's casually laying on, generally less than 50% of his body, he says he's using it. If I grab a pillow in the middle of the night that's merely next to him, he will claim that I am stealing his pillows.

If he's not lying underneath the blankets or on top of the pillows, as is their intended use, he's not really using these items. Thus, they are up for grabs. Judge John Hodgman, I ask that you order my husband to either use bedding in the correct fashion or cede his claim to these items. Mm-hmm. Well, there's an issue here because on the one hand, he's propping pillows on his tum-tum on the sofa or the couch. What do you say, sofa or couch? Either one.

It's a classic San Francisco. Anytime there's two words that people say, we use both of them. All right. So he's popping a pillow on his tum-tum on the couch. And then there's also the issue of in bed. In bed, presumably while preparing for sleep. And let's take that part first. Do you have a take on this, Jesse, before I lay into one or the other of these people?

Well, my perspective on it is that clearly he's some sort of madman. But I'm not sure that that's what I wonder is in your ruling, whether that in itself is enough to justify removing his claim to these betting items. And furthermore, why does she need to grab an extra pillow in the middle of the night? What's she doing with it? Yeah, right. does she need to grab an extra pillow in the middle of the night what's she doing with it yeah right i think that we're more or less as usual on the same page because we are uh both white dudes and we know best straight white dudes i forgot how good i had it for a moment thank you thank you you're right good point uh and as a straight white dude who is married, I can say, and just talking about sleeping in bed now mean, if people want to really sleep, just sleep.

It's not good to sleep with another human rolling around and making noises and doing things all night long. And you're no comfort to them either. You know, really, you know. That was my big takeaway watching iClaudius again the other week. and i claudius again the other the other week my my my once every five years viewing of the of the great 70s pbs phony rome soap opera i claudius and that in ancient rome the the the married people wouldn't sleep together they'd separate bedrooms because they had big old houses and then they were also hugging and kissing people who weren't their wives that's why ancient rome times is good each of those separate bedrooms had its own teenage boys houses and then they were also hugging and kissing people who weren't their wives that's why ancient

rome times is good each of those separate bedrooms had its own teenage boys i almost i almost got nostalgia for ancient rome but i forgot that nostalgia is a toxic impulse no matter what the dudes at stuff you should know say in any case sleeping in another bed regular run-of-the-mill sleep is as alone as you are going to be in your life you are totally alone with your thoughts and should be and with your weird dreams and you're reinterpreting and resting and relaxing and sleep is very personal and weird and once you get older it's even more um fraught because once you get older and and you start to appreciate that every time you close your eyes you are rehearsing for your increasingly impending death it's not easy to fall asleep so you take comfort where you can get it now look maybe you're

gonna call me a madman i like to have a pillow beside me in bed that i can kind of hang on to and and raise up my arm and on my ruined shoulder doesn't hurt so much or maybe i'll put a little pillow between my increasingly skeletal knees so they don't knock but even if i didn't have a functional reason for this extra body pillow situation i i might just have some irrational personal i don't know what reason we need to have the things we need to have in order to go to sleep and your husband needs his blankie and his wubby to go to sleep so leave it alone get more pillows buy a blanket of your own and for cththulhu's sake, y'all, everybody get king beds. That's the only way to do this.

It's the only way. It's the only way. I mean, it's an indulgence, perhaps, but unless you want to Ricky and Lucy it and sleep in twin beds, which is also acceptable, you want to keep a marital bed, get a king bed. Then everyone's got all the space they need and get all the things you need and get all the things and be tolerant of all the things that your partner needs and live with each other and don't steal stuff from each other. Now, I don't want a lot of letters, by the way.

I know I'm going to get them, but I don't want them. I don't want a lot of letters after this from people saying how wrong I am and how much they love snuggling with their partners in queen beds or even double beds. And I don't want those letters because they're gross and I don't care. You do what you want in your bed for real, but it's fine. But you have to acknowledge that sleep is a solo exercise, and you need what you need, even if you're going to be sleeping on top of blankets for whatever weird reason. Now, if dude is awake on the coucha, or the souch, and he's just sort of sitting there on a blanket for no reason, and the wife says, I would like to have that blanket. I am tired. And it has now been nicely warmed by your butt. And he's conscious and he's just hanging for him to say no is simply gross and impolite. So surrender blankets in a couch situation,

but stop stealing pillows in a bed situation. That's my ruling. Here's something from Sean. When should the happy birthday song be sung before or after the candles are blown out? My brother and many of our cousins say the song is sung before the candles are blown out. That way the person's face is lit by the light of the candles and the song climaxes with the blowing. My mother and a few of her siblings light of the candles and the song climaxes with the blowing. My mother and a few of her siblings say that the candles are blown out first as a natural beginning to the song. But this just leaves people singing in a dark room, which is sad. I don't know.

You should look upset in a dictionary. That sounds like an amazing party to me. Please issue an order stating that the birthday song is sung first yeah uh yeah sure you got it i'm sure you'll be glad to know sean that your mother is really wrong and i don't know why there's this You say it's her and a few of her siblings say that the candles are blown out first before singing. There's clearly a rift. And I would imagine a rather ill-tempered rift between your mother and some of her siblings. Because she and whoever's on her crew are cuckoo. No.

The time-honored tradition. Honored not only because it is old, but as you point out, it's simply good stagecraft. Light the candles like in the kitchen, turn off the lights, enter the room, sing, place the cake down, birthday boy or girl, beams happily in tiny candlelight, as you suggested. Finish the song. Wish. Blow. And then write your royalty check to Betty and Mildred Hill, who wrote the happy birthday song. But you don't have to do that anymore because now it's in the public domain.

That's the only thing that has changed about the tradition. Otherwise, you're absolutely right, Sean, and your mom is absolutely wrong. Here's something from Kristen. I have a dispute with my husband, Ryan. I think he's wrong to refill his soft drink when we eat at fast food restaurants. There are a few reasons I disapprove. One, he did not pay for the second drink. Two, I think pop is unhealthy and should be enjoyed sparingly. He vehemently disagrees and says that as long as there is not a sign saying no refills, it's okay for you to refill your drink as you leave. After the initial shock of seeing him do it once and never having seen an employee scold him, I have ignored his behavior. I have led by example, by only

drinking the one cup of pop we paid for. Our son is getting older, and I'm afraid that after he's finished his pop, instead of acknowledging that the drink is gone, he'll ask my husband to refill it with stolen liquid diabetes. Judge Hodgman, please order my husband to drink only the pop that he paid for. Oh, I cannot hear that word again. I know, geez, a lot of uses of the word pop. Even as a San Franciscan who calls it soda pop. And is that, I can't remember, is that what they call it there, or is that an affectation?

I think it's just, I think there's not, I think it's just I think in I think there's not. I mean, calling it pop specifically, that's that's a regionally specific thing. Right. Well, we were talking to Rhea Butcher recently and as a as a native of Cleveland, she calls it pop. Yeah, but I think San Francisco is such a such a regional melting pot that I would not have looked askance upon someone uh calling it pop or soda or soda pop or coke generically as some southerners do um but I would have looked askance at someone just saying the word pop over and over and over like reading this paragraph just made me do yeah well and also I think, Kristen, before we even get to this issue of whether it is legal to refill your your soda or tonic cup, use an old timey New England term from the fountain soda dispenser at a fast food restaurant. Let's just say, Kristen, you put your finger on it.

Dude should not be drinking pop. He's a grown man. And it's really not being going back for a double dose. It's terrible for you. And, you know, I really it really hit home to me when Tom Sharpling of the great The Best Show quit drinking what he called sody pop. Because because he just said it's, I'm not a child anymore. And I was like, oh, right, yeah. Only children, I mean, children need to stay away from that stuff as well.

But it's very hard, very hard to justify routinely drinking sody pop when you're a grown man. Especially if you have a child who is following your example i'll tell you something that tom and i share both tom and i are not alcohol drinkers right and it really leaves you in a bind if you're trying to if everyone else has a special drink and you're just drinking a glass of water especially if you're at a place where you have to like order it you know if you're at a restaurant it's not a big deal and they just pour everyone a glass of water but if you're at a counter or a bar or something like that and you have to ask for a glass of water when everyone else is having a quote-unquote adult beverage uh you can feel like a real goofus but i feel like we live in the golden

age of carbonated water yeah um i mean there's never been a better time there's never been a better time to home carbonate or road carbonate your water yeah you can get well you know uh you can get carbonated water or plain water out of those fountain dispensers yeah and you can even i mean like look this all of my admonitions aside, and I like the line about liquid diabetes. The truth is, I routinely drink toxic swill that is called a diet soda of many different kinds. And it is a dark, I know that it is terrible, terrible, terrible for my body. I probably do better drinking the sugared version but i do it i do it anyway and i also know that there's occasionally a time when i when a really good cola i did maybe

even one from south of the border that was made with cane sugar instead of syrup can be just the thing i admit all things in moderation and the court recognizes the sovereignty of ryan's own baby body and it's his right to fill it up with whatever garbage he wants to but there is something a little bit galling to me about this that that you're complaining about your husband filling up pop twice you're going to a fast food it's already it's already bad bad deal so let's let's let's set aside the health issues of, of gulping down a lot of sugar water and instead look at this issue of whether it is okay to refill from a, from an open soda fountain in a fast food restaurant. And when I think of it,

I'm thinking very distinctly and cheerfully and happily of the In-N-Out Burger at Los Angeles International Airport, because that is my favorite place to get fast food, because you get to watch the big planes land. Jesse, when you are at In-N-Out at LAX and you get your seltzer water from the soda fountain, you drink it. Do you go back up and refill it if you want yay or nay i think that generally speaking restaurants either have the fountain behind the counter right or they have a specific posted refill policy right if they have neither of those things my presumption is that refills are free jesse thorn straight white dudes do it again i completely agree with you

uh yeah if the soda fountain is behind the counter uh ryan should not be going back there but if there's no posted uh no refill sign uh go have at it and kristin you're wrong i i i'm i i'm fairly confident and i will happily get emails correcting me on this but to me it's it's there's a clear trade-off that the restaurant has chosen. And the thinking, I believe, is that the trade-off of removing the task of pouring soda fountain drinks from the counter person's workload creates faster service, shorter lines. Faster service means higher volume, which offsets the cost of the often unused free refill option. Not everyone takes advantage of the system. And the fact that the profit margin on selling sugar water is so high anyway, my guess is Ryan could down 19 gulp buckets of his favorite corn syrup solution before it even began to hurt

the bottom line of the restaurant. So I think if it's not posted, he should go and do it. But the safest thing, of course, would be to say, what is your policy on refills? And he probably isn't doing that because he's afraid they're going to say, our policy is please don't do that. And he's like, no, I got tricked. Or, well, you got me. And he probably is afraid to ask. And because he's a baby. That's why.

You know what genuinely makes me uncomfortable? No. And it's a pattern that I see sometimes in these. It is where someone objects to their partner or someone close to them's behavior. And it's clear that there's just something deep inside them emotionally that they're objecting to. And so they're listing just

a variety of different reasons why it might be wrong they don't really seem to a hundred percent believe any of them uh they're just or maybe they um fundamentally and it like she's just listed a few things about it that are embarrassing to her you know like that could can they could convince someone uh on a podcast yeah like she could say if she were being honest she might simply say my husband embarrasses me because on some level on some level that's gross like the objection is that is not that the rules prohibit any of these things or that it's genuinely wrong to enjoy drinking a cola yeah um you know it's not a generally a great idea to have a lot of sugary treats obviously it's not healthy but you know i like to have a soda once in a while as you do as anyone does

and uh it's more just she's just like oh i just it's gross and embarrassing to me here's a bunch of reasons i am much more convinced by someone who seems to sincerely believe one reason. Like, if I thought that she really thought that he was stealing soda, I would be much more convinced. Or if she had said... She'd ring an alarm bell. Or if she had said, I'm worried for my children that they won't have their father because my dad, because my husband drinks so much soda that it's going to shorten his life or something.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, I gotta gotta say you just found the crux not only of this but of a whole you're right a whole category if it's the case that you simply find your spouse's behavior embarrassing um it becomes very simple just say please don't do that and if he he says, I'm doing it anyway, then Kristen, I would say, if you've said to him, please don't do that. And he said, I'm doing it anyway. Then I would say, Ryan, don't be a creep. And also Kristen and Ryan, just communicate with each other and ask what the refill policy is. We'll be back with more Judge John Hodgman in just a minute. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman in just a minute. at MaximumFun.org, and they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations and delivered with conversation-based

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Here is something from Khalid or Khalid. Ten years ago, I asked my friend Mark for a list of book recommendations considering his background as a lit major. Jesse let me just jump in here yeah um it's an automatic win right it's DJ Khalid all he does is win. So why are we even, is it possible that it's someone else named Khaled? You know, the bad news for you is while all DJ Khaled does is win, I believe DJ Khaled's name is K-H-A-L-E-D.

Oh, this is Khalid, which is K-H-A-L-I-D. I too got excited it might be DJ Khal khaled that's why i initially pronounced it that way um and khalid's and i khalid's song unfortunately is you win some you lose some so let's figure out which one this is 10 years ago i asked my friend mark for a list of book recommendations considering his background as a lit major crime and punishment was on the list i went ahead and read it even though classic prose has always been a challenge for me to comprehend. Upon finishing, I called him up to talk about how intense the story was. Turns out, he hadn't read it.

What makes matters worse was that when he recommended it, he explained at great length the theme and circumstances of the book. Frankly, this stung a little. Okay. I request that the judge order Mark to finish the book, or at least qualify future book recommendations with the statement, I recommend, insert book here, but haven't myself read it. I know your previous rulings on demanding someone read books, but I feel that there are appropriate times for doing so, and i hope that this will be one of them wow mark he recommended crime and punishment described it and then later admitted

that he actually hadn't read it and his friend actually read it yeah went ahead and did it on his word this person achieved one of the great achievements of western culture reading dostoevsky when he didn't have to that's right i have failed to read dostoevsky on multiple occasions when i did have to. Yeah. As far as I'm concerned, Khalid, your friend Mark deserves to be murdered with an axe. I gotcha. No, no, no. Don't murder him with an axe, please. That's just the plot of

the book Crime and Punishment. Yeah, I think that you're right to feel a little bit stung uh the court urges all people to be truthful when it is not hurtful or a burden and it certainly would not have burdened mark or you to simply say, I hear this is good. I don't know why he misled you. And I absolutely order him to read this thing as punishment for his crime. But I won't award any further damages because you have ascended. As Jesse said, you read a work of classic literature on your own. That is, you have reached a new level of adulthood.

And you have left him in your dust. And you got to enjoy a haunting classic of Russian literature. And to be honest, you know, what could he have said? It's pretty hard to spoil that book. It's right there in the title. First there's crime, then there's punishment. But there's a lot to enjoy and so you tell him i force you to read the book so he can ascend to your level of grown-upness

i'll tell you my friend uh my friend jenny is a 19th century literature specialist and oh she's a time traveler yes and she's a fan of uh uh she's a fan of uh bullseye and often will converse with me about uh cultural things that have happened on my public radio program and i'm glad to converse with them about them with her and uh i have so little to offer her on the subject of 19th century literature um like the closest i have ever come to reading a classic novel for pleasure uh was one time when i went to you a used bookstore to find a copy of anna karenina because my wife wanted to read it yeah i purchased a copy of moby dick with good intentions. And people love that book. People love it.

Yeah. And I'll, I'll get to it. I'll get to it one of these days, but you know, I went to an alternative sort of hippie dippy program in our high school. And so we didn't read Moby Dick. We read a hundred years of solitude twice.

Yeah. I mean, great. I went to, I went to an arts high school in san francisco so you just read beloved over and over and over yeah there you go right yeah uh i'll read books you know what i'm enjoying very much what's that fantasy novels really because yeah because i and you know i'm a big nerd in in film uh in film worlds and comic book worlds I love fantasy

and science fiction certain things I obviously get into um that I've discussed on the program before Game of Thrones that sort of thing but even when I even when I read Game of Thrones I only read it because I was I was indignant that they were bringing out a tv show a fantasy tv show and I had never heard anything about it and they clearly had not cleared it with me so i needed to check and see what it was all about i love those books but i would i had i would never really read a lot of fantasy and science fiction for pleasure um and that but i've been asked to host the the nebula awards uh which is one of the big science fiction and fantasy awards that they bestow upon not just novels, not just short stories, but also novellas and novelettes.

And I'm looking forward to learning what a novelette is. But so I decided, you know, I'm going to read as many of the nominees as I can. And boy, oh boy, things have changed since I was reading them Chronicles of Prydain. And I read, not that there's anything wrong with Chronicles of Prydain. You know, it's a solid B. People will be mad. But I, but that's on me, Jesse.

But I just read the fifth season by N.K. Jemisin. And it's, it's amazing. It's an amazing piece of work and so much fun to read. And I won't go into a whole lot, but I highly recommend reading it.

I'm not choosing the winners, so I can pick my favorites. But, you know, it's a fantasy world in which certain people have magical powers. Specifically, they can cause or prevent various catastrophic seismic events, and they have a certain amount of telekinesis, and there are reasons that this is a big power in this world, and they can kill with a thought if they have to, right? And essentially, they're like Jedi. But she opened my eyes to the fact, like,

if you lived in Star Wars, Star Worlds, if you lived in star wars land the jedi would not they would not be your pals they would you'd be terrified of them because they have magic powers and can kill with their they can kill with their minds and so in this in this one these characters who have this power are required in this world to prevent a lot of natural disasters from happening and they're they're a part of the society but they're hated and despised and it's really interesting there you go. Read a book, everybody. They're good. It's no crime and punishment, but I'm trying. As for me, as a kid, I read my fair share of Dungeons & Dragons Dragonlance novels.

Oh, you got cred. Here's something from Ashley. I did not play Dungeons & Dragons, by the way. Did you actually read the novels? Just read the novels. I never read them. I probably read four or five, at least. Did you see the Dungeons and Dragons movie with Jeremy Irons and Marlon Wayans? No, I did not. By then, I think I knew that I was old enough to understand that that was something I should definitely not watch. Hey, we're back with

the unfunny flophouse, Jesse and John. Here's something from Ashley. I host open mic readings for the creative writing department at the small women's college where I teach. My husband complained that I spell Mike as M-I-C rather than M-I-K-E. He argues that my spelling is incorrect and annoying. I find that most people use the C spelling when advertising open mic events, and it is the most logical spelling, given that it is short for microphone. I'm an English teacher, so it's important to me to be correct, particularly on a poster that will hang in the hallway of my department. Judge, please resolve our disagreement. All right, Jesse Thorne. I turned to our friends at Merriam-Webster, the dictionary company.

Hi, I'm Lee Brewster. And I did some research. Both spellings of mic, that is short for microphone, are acceptable spellings. One is older than the other.iff jesse thorn mic or mike which is older i'm gonna say that mike is older ah straight white dude does it again let me mansplain this for you mike has been in use since 1924 according to the dictionary company so your husband uh has history on his side for sure uh but we don't call uh soda phosphate anymore or even tonic we change things in our language, and so in equally acceptable abbreviation for microphone, MIC has been used as shorthand for microphone since 1961,

and there's a reason why. Mic, in Merriam-Webster's word popularity ratings, which I did not know existed until today, M-I-K-E is in the bottom 30% of popular words, whereas M-I-C, slightly more popular in the bottom 40%. And that's because while M-I-C is a little ungainly, daring you to pronounce it Mick, I think it's far less confusing because it uses the letter from the thing that it's abbreviating. And by now, I believe far more accepted than saying on your poster, open mic night, unless your event is one of those amateur surgery clubs that are springing up in bars and it's Mike's night to volunteer. Here's something from Luke. I'm writing to follow up on the recent ruling you handed down over putting the toilet seat down after going to the bathroom at home. So do you remember what your ruling was there, John?

Yeah, put it down. yeah, put it down. While proper etiquette in that case was very obvious, I've come across situations where I'm not sure that it's actually better to put the seat down. Oh, how dare you, Luke? Allow me to explain my weird system. That part's not in there. I just read that into it.

No, I know, but that's a good t-shirt for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Many bars in New York have unisex bathrooms which are often the worst for wear on weekend nights i feel like i'm putting the toilet seat in danger if i leave it down since the drunk man and next in line might not take care to raise the seat again before he relieves himself however it still seems rude not to put the seat down in case the next user needs to sit down. Please, help resolve my moral quandary. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Well, this court is very impressed by your gallantry, Luke, and I think you have discovered an area in which my law does not cover which is the bathroom at a bar late at night i think you're right luke to leave that seat up in that case because it's it's in a unisex bathroom i think it's more likely to stay clean that way um i'm deeply ambivalent about it um you know you know it's basically it's a matter of numbers go ahead state your ambivalence my obviously my natural bias is to favor social convention over complicated and overwrought schemes. Right.

outweigh the combination of social convention and the actual regular reasons that you would leave the toilet seat down which is to say that ladies always use it right but here's what i would say and this is a very specific place unisex bar bathroom yeah if it weren't a specific place it wouldn't be a complicated scheme. He's not saying that his scheme is better. He's truly saying, have I gone mad? Am I beyond the pale? I don't think he's us. I don't think he's, I don't think that this litigant is beyond the pale. No, I, and I don't think it's insane or unreasonable to have come up with this system.

We put the seat down out of courtesy for the next user, especially the user who may have to sit down. And so they do not accidentally sit inside the toilet. And yet we're now in a situation where you know dudes are going to be peeing all over that seat. 100% chance dudes are going to be peeing all over that seat. And I just think that the chance,

there's also an increased chance in a bar type environment where people are enjoying intoxicants that they might sit in the toilet. An increased chance that they might sit in the toilet an increased chance that they might sit in the toilet as well but not a hundred percent i'm so convinced the dudes are going to pee all over that seat that that i think uh i think i think luke is right i know it's gross if you see something wipe something.

Well, that's our last case on this week's Judge John Hodgman. We get to end on that. Strong close. Strong close. That compelling aphorism. But there we are. Finally, we found an opportunity to show that two straight white men can have, within a realm of nuance, different opinions. Yeah, you might be right.

You're probably right. You're definitely wiser than I am. No, no, no. Bailiff Jesse, for heaven's sakes, we're both incredibly wise and people need to hear. Yes, that's why we're straight white men. Um, actually, we're both the wisest. Okay. Maximumfun.reddit.com is where you can join us on Reddit.

Join the Maximum Fund Facebook group to join us on Facebook. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Josh, I hope you will. If you're on the fence about it, you know what I would ask you to do? Just send it in. I'll read it. the fence about it you know what i would ask you to do just send it in i'll read it i will i will put it into a folder saying maybe this one for the podcast maybe this one for a docket maybe this one for the new york times magazine uh short column net that i write and uh and and and maybe i'll

respond maybe time will get away from me and i won't respond but i read them all and i really enjoy them and i'm very grateful to you guys for writing in and you can write in other things too. If you want, it's Hodgman at maximumfund.org. Or if you don't like using electronic mails, there's a web form, which is where Jesse? Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. Our show is edited by Mark McConville, produced by Julia smith if you want to come to max fun con east max fun con.com tickets are on sale right now this very moment if you want to come get them before they sell out and again i'll be appearing at largo presenting my one-man show vacation land in los angeles june 9th 2016 and there are a couple of couple of other cities that I had to miss last fall.

And I'm going to be adding those onto my schedule as well. So please go to johnhodgman.com slash tour. If you ever want updates where I'm going to be physically in the world. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. If you see something, wipe something. I like it. I like it. I like it. It's solid.

All right. Talk to you later, humans. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.