Judge John Hodgman - Juvenile Court Returns Again!

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

It's a special day in the Court of Judge John Hodgman! Guest Judge Oscar Thorn (age 8) joins us as we return to Juvenile Court! We clear the docket of cases involving kids and long underwear, tag, level up rules, trombone practicing, staring contest rules, paper shredding jobs, and YouTube channels.  

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bill of Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket. And with me is a man with a full head of his own natural hair, Judge John Hodgman. I have a full head of my own natural hair, despite my advanced age and what is even stranger. People, when I get on the road again, I can hear our guest chuckling at me. That's fine. Just chuckle along guest. I appreciate this feedback. Normally I do this without any feedback whatsoever. Just the cold stony stare of Jesse Thorne. When we get back on the road again, Jesse Thorne, I'm afraid our audience members and

listeners are going to be concerned. They're going to say, why is John Hodgman wearing that obvious toupee? Because. What's a toupee? A toupee is a wig. Usually it refers to a wig that an older gentleman might put on his head to hide his balding head. A wig that covers just the top of your head. Yeah, just the toupee.

Just the toupee. You know what I mean? Yes, just the top of your head. Yeah, just the top A, you know what I mean? Yes, just the top of your head. Right. But you see, while my beard has aged gracefully into its appropriate wizened gray, there is not a single gray hair on my head hair. And now it looks fake compared to the rest of my hair. But it is my natural hair.

Do you accept this? Uh, no. All right. Well, you are the judge as well as I. I'm going let jesse introduce you in a moment mystery guest because i know i know what court is is where the judge slams the hammer and then they finally say guilty well sometimes they say not guilty let's hope but yes they make a ruling and they slam the hammer a lot they They slam the hammy, also known as a gavel.

This is Judge John Hodgman. But as you can tell, it is a special episode of Judge John Hodgman, not merely a return to juvenile court where finally young people are given their day in court, but a special episode because we welcome a special guest judge. Very rare, very rare to have a guest judge. We've had guest bailiffs, but a guest judge. Very rare. Very rare to have a guest judge. We've had guest bailiffs, but a guest judge. This is a first. And it makes sense because this person not only is wise, sagacious, thoughtful, and owns his own gavel, but also is a young person. Please welcome guest co-judge to Juvenile Court, Judge Oscar Thorne. Hello, Judge Thorne. Hello, Judge Thorne. Hello.

This is going to be fantastic. Bailiff Jesse, can you explain your relationship to the judge? I'm the parent of this judge. He recently appointed himself judge. He gets an allowance every week. Sure. He tends to save his allowance, but the other day he had a special idea for what to use his allowance on, and it was an unusual one. What did you use your allowance to buy, Oscar?

Probably bubble gum or a spider from the pet store, right? No. I bought a gavel. Wow. Why? Because it's a gavel. Yeah. For hammering. Yeah. It is not only a socially acceptable form of hammering when no hammering needs to be done, but it is a socially necessary form of hammering because the gavel of course indicates that justice is done. Hey, Judge Oscar Thorne, did you bring your gavel today?

Nope, I did not. So in lieu of, that's a fancy pants way of saying instead of, I went to Yale. Instead of a gavel sound, when you make your final judgment, will you make the mouth sound you were making before we started recording? Perfect. Let's get into the docket. Here's a case from Aaron in Chicago. My seven-year-old son and I have a dispute over whether to wear normal underwear under long underwear. I always wear normal underwear under my long underwear. My son says long underwear are underwear, and therefore you don't need to wear normal underwear under the long underwear. My son says long underwear are underwear and therefore you don't need to wear normal underwear under the

long underwear. Who's right? First of all, is this a tongue twister? Aaron in Chicago says to sit in solemn silence on a dull dark dock in a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock awaiting the sensation of a short sharp shock from a cheap and chippy

chopper on a big black block. Chicago. Yeah, that is the motto of Chicago, I believe. Yeah. So first of all, remind me of your age, please, Judge Thorne. I'm only eight. You're eight. So you're a year older than Aaron's son.

You're right in the zone for being fair and impartial in this situation. Okay. If you were seven, I would have to ask you to recuse yourself. But you're eight, you have significant life experience greater than the son. So what's your initial feeling about this? Do you even know? You live in Los Angeles, California. Do you know what long underwear is?

Not. Well, dad told me it's like the long underwear. Yeah. But I also don't really understand it because what the question, what the dispute is because it's so confusing. Yeah. Let me break it down to you. I hope you know what underwear is. I don't know what underwear is. I put it on in the morning. You put it on in the morning. Good. Yes.

So far, so good. People in the colder places like Chicago or where I am from, New England, even New York, where I am now, sometimes we have to wear long underwear. Underwear, also called thermal underwear. It is underwear to keep you warm in the cold winter, which is what we're having right now on the East Coast. You would put on what some people call a base layer. You put on long underwear to keep your legs warm. Now, the question is, when you wear long underwear, do you wear regular short underwear underneath it? So should I just say what I think? Yeah, say what you think. I think it's really, really weird that someone would wear two pairs of underwear.

So I'd say you should just maybe just wear long underwear. You're on Aaron's son's side then, the child's side. Yes. Plus, I am a child. Jesse Thorne, menswear expert, what's your take on this? I just can't imagine having thermal underwear directly against my central region. Really? My intimate area is too delicate for a waffle knit.

Yeah. You grew up with your dad? Welcome to my dad. Welcome to my dad's life. Well, we have, so Oscar and I have some experience wearing long underwear. Okay. Because we have a mountain cabin. Sure.

Where it snows a lot in the winter. And there's bears. And there's bears. Sure. And while we don't know the bear's stance on underpants. And there's snakes. There are snakes as well. That's also true.

And mountain lions. Yeah. And mosquitoes's snakes. Yeah, we wear synthetic long underwear from a popular Japanese clothing retailer. And that is actually relatively soft. But in general, I think of the long underwear as sort of like a pair of pants under your pants. And I just don't think that the long underwear is designed to engage the central region in the same way that underpants are. I don't know the bear's stance on underpants, but I do know a bear doesn't wear any underwear. No. Because they got fur. They got furs, lots of them. Lots of furs all over their body. Lots and lots of fur. So much fur.

And that's why a bear is called a bear, because it's a bear and it doesn't have any fur, even though it has lots of fur. So much fur. And that's why a bear is called a bear because it's bare and it doesn't have any fur, even though it has lots of fur. just put that on, slap that on, put on my pants and went on my walk to Heath school. But here is where age and wisdom and more familiarity with chafing comes to mind, comes into play, I should say. I'm going to say that if you live in Chicago, you can't wear too many layers. You can't go wrong. As well, I have a feeling Aaron's son is probably impatient to get on with his day and is trying to get out of wear in that extra pair of underwear. I think he's just thinking about expediency rather than logic. I'm going to find in favor of Aaron because I do believe an extra layer is a good idea, especially with the new stuff. And also because I'm a dad and I side with dads. Sorry.

Oscar, you don't like scritchy, scratchy clothes. So wouldn't you be uncomfortable wearing scritchy scratchy clothes, so wouldn't you be uncomfortable wearing scritchy scratchy stuff right up against your business? What do you mean? What would be scritchy scratchy? The long underwear. Really? Yeah, could be. Well, good news! I don't live in Chicago!

Ding ding! Yeah, so, he's out. So, Oscar, you have the final judgment as you have the wisdom of childhood. We've all made our cases. Who's right? Who's wrong? Kid or dad?

Kid. Of course. Kid win. Make the sound. Make the sound. Fantastic. Moving on. Here's a case from Henry.

My friend Victor says you cannot be a partner with another person during a game of tag. But he does it, and he came up with it first. Oscar, you've played the game tag, presumably, in your life? I'm eight. Of course I play tag a lot. Look, hey, I don't know what the kids are playing these days. He also plays Minecraft. Yes. And he also played do math.

Yeah. He likes math. Oh, that's cool. Excellent. Well, tag, tag, tag is very simple rules. Someone's it. They got to tag someone else for them to be it. There are variants, of course.

There's a freeze tag. Yeah. There's a, what are some of the other variants that are being played these days on playgrounds around America? Cause that's all I can recall. Any other kinds of tag? Yeah. What are some of the other variants that are being played these days on playgrounds around America? Because that's all I can recall. Any other kinds of tag? Let me think. There's infinity tag where everyone's it. They try to tag each other. That's just chaos.

Yeah, it is chaos. I do it in PE. It's chaos. It's complete chaos. I like that. And then there's pop tag. That's when you just go thrift shopping. What's Pop Tag? I don't know what Pop Tag is. It's just you go thrift shopping.

That's a terrible joke that dads make. Well, all that I know that dad likes is clothes, and that's it. It's true. Dad really likes clothes. I like my children as well. And he also likes his socks, and he also likes shoes, and he also likes wearing a suit sometimes when he comes. Clothes, children, socks in order of preference. So Henry shared with us a illustration.

Is it possible that we can see that illustration in case Judge Oscar would like to see it? What's this? So this is a picture. We here see Victor. Victor presumably is saying that Team Tag is not allowed. Right. Me, which is Henry, is saying you started it. So the issue here is that Victor is saying there's no such thing as Team Tag when he is both playing Team Tag and he invented Team Tag.

He's the inventor of Team Tag. Hmm. Very interesting. This is very interesting. Does this person have a lawyer? No. There's no lawyers here. Oscar, has anyone in your class or at your school ever made up a game to play on the playground?

Yeah, we do that a lot of times. Infinity Tag had to be an invention of you and your friends. No, no. It's a real game. Yeah. The PE teacher came up with that one. Yeah. It's crazy.

It's complete chaos. But it's also really, really fun. But it's complete chaos. Yes. It's chaos. So, Oscar, what games have people on your playground invented? We've invented Chicken Apocalypse. How does Chicken Apocalypse work?

Well, someone's the chicken, and the chicken chases the people, and everyone has, like, a special move or something. So the chicken is the one doing the apocalypse. Yeah. That's why it's called the Chicken Apocalypse. It's sort of getting back at people. Yeah. That's why it's called the chicken apocalypse. It's sort of getting back at people. Yeah. It's kind of like that movie, The Birds, that had a very low budget.

Oh, The Birds 2? Yeah. Wait, was The Birds a good movie? Oh, you mean Birdemic. Yeah, Birdemic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know about the budget for Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, but he sure made those dollars count. Yeah.

Got Suzanne Plachette. I mean, come on. That's a big name. Got to spend the real money. Here's my question for Oscar as well. May I approach the bench? What do you think about partner tag as an idea? What's partner tag?

Well, let's figure it out. I mean, what would you think it is? It means that- So like there's two taggers and there's two players? Yeah, let's say that um i've never heard of that do you think it sounds like a good game or no i mean it's no chicken apocalypse well i kind of think it's a weird idea for um like two teams because the taggers are the ones who's chasing so it would probably mean be more fair if there was like more runners like more like people

who are running away than there was people chasing now here's another issue like let's say i think you're right let's say there are two taggers but seven runners okay yeah and one and one tagger tags a runner and then that runner is it does does that new tagger join the original team? Or I don't understand it, Victor. No, that does not sound fun because the game would end and I love playing tag for a long time. Right. I think the central issue here is that Victor invented a game and now he's telling everybody else they can't play it.

I mean, if Victor had invented this game and then stress tested it the way we just did it with our thought experiment and realized it was a terrible game and was like, what have I wrought? I have become the destroyer of worlds. Stop for all that is good in this world. Stop playing. Tag team tag. That would be one thing, but Victor

is still playing it. I say this. According to Google, there's band egg tag, sock tag, blob tag, triangle tag, flashlight tag, drop the linguine, footprint tag, and don't get caught with the cookie. Don't get caught with the cookie? But Victor can't say don't play team tag if Victor's going to play team tag. No one should play team tag. There should be no team tag.

Victor is not the victor, but the loser. What do you say, Judge Oscar? Well, I think that everyone should forget that team tag existed because it's a horrible idea. Yeah, he should have used design thinking. What problem is he solving? That's a good point. Victor, it was an interesting innovation, but now that you have determined that it is NG for no good, you must lay down your invention and come up with a better one. And if you were wondering, drop Lungini is taken. Like making a wooden vacuum cleaner, you could try doing that. Oh, by the way, that's impossible.

Maybe it was possible. No, if you only had wood and some nails, it would be impossible. Because you couldn't get the electricity you needed. Yeah. Makes sense. Yeah, but sorry, impossible. Because you couldn't get the electricity you needed? Yeah. Makes sense. Yeah, but sorry, Victor! You're wrong! Victor, we love you, but you're wrong.

Here's something from Walter in Adams, New York. My 16-year-old daughter, Riley, has been listening to Dungeons & Dragons podcasts lately. Her birthday's coming up, and Riley wants to dungeon master a game that night with me, my wife, our son, and his partner. But Riley is dismissive of the rules regarding earning experience points to level up. She says everyone will level up together at the same time. I think that's bananas. Though technically allowed by the rules, it doesn't reward effort. If my character is successful and does more work, I should be able to level up faster than someone else who is unsuccessful or worse, a slacker. Who's right? Who is right? This is very important. Order in

the court. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Okay. So first of all, I just need to say this is definitely a case of justice delayed, justice denied, because I know that. Okay, so first of all, I just need to say this is definitely a case of justice delayed, justice denied. Because I know that Riley turned 17 on the 22nd of last month. Happy birthday, Riley. Happy birthday. I don't know how this was resolved, but I am going to offer my judgment now, as will Judge Oscar. Judge Oscar. So, I don't really like games where everyone levels up at the same time.

I don't think that's completely something that should be a thing. But like it's like kind of strange that if ever because if you like did something really well and the other person didn't do like anything as well. And that doesn't really make any sense. And that doesn't really make any sense. Yeah, it's sort of, it's no good for somebody to get ahead who's some Gen X slacker like Ethan Hawke. Specifically talking about the movie Reality Bites, where Ben Stiller acts like he actually likes her and does stuff for her. And he loses, and you're supposed to be glad that he lost because he tried. Jesse, I think you and I are the only two humans who rooted for Ben Stiller in that movie.

When I saw the movie Reality Bites and Ethan Hawke, of all people, got to go on a date with Winona Ryder. She was. And she chose him. I was like, this movie is a tragedy. And everyone I was with, because I was going out with my friends, because that TV show Friends was based on me and my friends, pretty much. Wait, the TV show Friends was based off of your friends? No, I like to believe it's true. But we were all a friend group in New York at that time, the same time that Friends was out and that movie was out. And I walked out of there and I'm like, that's terrible. Why not Ben Stiller? He likes Dr. Zaius. And everyone looked at me like I had grown 15 heads on top of my head and it wasn't good. I will say this. One time Ethan Hawke was on Bullseye. He was very nice. Who's Ethan Hawke?

There we go. Ah, the younger generation speaks. You may have won Reality Bites, Ethan Hawke, but you have not won the hearts and minds of the eight-year-olds of the United States of America. I don't know what you're saying at all. I understand that. Let me tell you what my feeling is on this. I don't know if this will change your mind, but Dungeons & Dragons is not a competitive game. It is a cooperative game.

You and your friends pretend to go out through talking. The Dungeon Master describes an adventure in a mystical world of dragons and wizards. And maybe you and your friends, one of you is a fighter and one of you is a thief and one of you is a wizard or a mage. One of you is an elven swords person or whatever. One of you is a bugbear. Yeah. No, it's very rarely that one would be a bug? One of you is a bugbear? Yeah. No, it's very rarely that one would be a bug. We can't play a bugbear.

That's a non-playing monster. Yeah, I'm playing a bugbear. All right. My guy is a bugbear paladin. Yeah, he's one of the rare bugbears who wears underwears. Yeah. I got you back, Oscar. Point is, you're not competing against each other. You're working together to explore a dungeon and have an adventure and kill a dragon or defeat a bad guy together.

And in the course of one campaign, one night's worth of play, you may not gain enough experience points to level up to being a super bugbear or a super fighter or a super elven swordsperson or whatever it is. And it's technically allowed within the rules to blow off the whole topic of leveling up. And Riley is the dungeon master. So does that change your mind? I think what's important here is that Riley is the boss of the game and her dad wants to tell her how to play. Yeah.

When we put, thank you, Jesse. When you put it that way. Yes. Let me think. Thinking noise, thinking noise, thinking noise, thinking noise, thinking noise. It's weird. I can see three dots above his head. Really?

He can see three dots above my head? Yeah. Thinking noise. What do you think? Do you side with the teen or the dad? I know. Oscar's competitive nature is now in a war with his natural desire to wreak vengeance upon all dads. Yeah, I agree with you.

What? Wait, dad still? Yeah, dad. It's daddy. Dad. My dad's here. Oh, okay. So you're siding with me?

Yeah. Oh, thanks, buddy. I side against this dad. Actually, I think that they should play rock, paper, scissors and see because I can't decide. That's fair enough. Wait, I think I have an idea. So I'm going to go out into the video area so you can see me and me and Hodgman are going to have rock, paper, scissors over it. What do you think?

Oh, Hodgman can see you right now. You ready to rock, paper, scissors? Ready? Wait, wait, no, I'm not ready. I have to remember how to play the game. Okay. Okay. Ready? Once. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Did you use scissors? Ha ha ha!

Oscar had rock and John had scissors. But it's best two out of three, isn't it? Rock smashes scissors. No, not in this game. We never said that. No, this was just only best one out of three isn't it rock smashes scissors no not not not in this game we never this was just only what best one out of one all right then as final judge daddy wins well you suddenly walter and adams new york is your daddy daddy wins in a strange upset this daddy wins well that daddy always wins jesse thorne bailiff daddy daddy th daddy always wins. Jesse Thorne, Bailiff, Daddy Thorne always wins. But Oscar, let me ask you for your final judgment. Riley, this is the daughter. She wants to play the game on her birthday the way she wants to play it. Walter is the dad. He wants to boss his daughter around and tell her how to play the game she loves on her own birthday. Who's right? Who's wrong? The dad. Riley! on her own birthday. Who's right? Who's wrong? The Dad

Riley! Yeah, Riley's right. Give us a sound. That's right. Happy birthday, Riley. Riley actually had her birthday already. Walter said that she was going to turn 17 on the night we were supposed to play

the Sidney Goldstein Theater in San Francisco. We missed that show. We missed your birthday, Riley. But enjoy this present. You can play Dungeons and Dragons however you like. And Walter, Riley just turned 17. Take it from me. In about three seconds, she's going to turn 18.

And she's going to be, first of all, run any game she wants for the rest of time. And you have no say whatsoever. And maybe be out of your house. So maybe instead of getting into it with her, just enjoy the game that she wants to play and back her up a little. We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partners. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In.

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I am 16. My brother Thomas, age 14, plays trombone in his middle school band. What's a trombone? A trombone is the kind of horn where they go, you know what I'm talking about? It's like a trumpet. Speaking of that kind of thing, I have a bugle horn that I don't know how to play and I'm only allowed to use it outside

because it's so annoying. That's true. Well, you'll be interested in the stakes of this particular case. Okay, let's do this. The issue is that Thomas and I share a room and I don't like listening to the very loud trombone while I am in it. Coincidence! He believes he should be able to practice while I'm in the room. I think he should only be allowed to practice when I'm not. We would like the honorable and glorious magistrate, Judge John Hodgman, to settle our dispute. Thank you very much, Simon. I appreciate your flattery of the court.

Oscar, can you imagine if Frankie, your younger sibling, had a bugle horn or a trombone and was always practicing in the room that the two of you share? That's an easy thing. I'm easily going to say, I think that they should practice like when someone's not in the room. Yeah. I have to agree with you. I think that trombone, let me be very, very clear. Yeah. I love trombones. Yeah, John, you were briefly in Real Big Fish, the ska band. I was very, very briefly in Real Big Fish. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Let's get on with the show. Pick it up. Let's get on with the show. Pick it up. And I can tell you that even though those trombones in the band hit the back of my head many a time, I still love the trombones. I'm a woodwinder. You know me.

I grew up playing trombones. I'm a woodwinder. You know me. I grew up playing the clarinet. I don't mess around with the brass section, but even I could tell the trombones are just the weird outsiders of the brass section. They got those long puts and go, wah, wah, wah. And they're, of course, the ones charged with making the sad sound, the sad trombone. Wah, wah, wah. I love a trombone, but Thomas, you got to get that trombone out of your room. You and your brother share that room. You can't bring a trombone in there. Knock, knock, knock.

Gavel sound. Thomas, are you related to the choo-choo train? Thomas is related to the choo-choo train. He is not actually a choo-choo train. Yeah. Third cousin once removed. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. The choo-choo train is blue. And why is the choo-choo train blue? That trombone is wildly disruptive. You cannot go into the room and maybe Simon is hanging out in there and say, I'm playing the trombone now. Any more than if you were playing the trombone in your room that Simon could could come in and say stop playing the trombone i'm here now whoever is in there first gets to determine the trombonism of that room for that gavel sound gavel sound gavel sound gavel sound so uh i think it's kind of mean to just walk in if some like if the other kid that's not thomas the choo-choo train was like in the room and then they were like reading a book and then Thomas walked in and started playing the trombone.

That would be kind of mean. Yeah, I agree. If Thomas, technically a tank engine, were in there playing the trombone and Simon were to come in and say, get out. That's not fair either. Yeah. So wait, I have I have something to say. This is final. I'm ready for it.

Whoever is first. Right. I agree with your wisdom. Whoever is in the room first determines the trombone, the allowed trombone number in the room. Yes. It is either zero or one. It is a binary choice. What do you think other person on Zoom that I don't know the name of? That's our producer, Jennifer Marmer. Yes. It is either zero or one. It is a binary choice. What do you think

other person on Zoom that I don't know the name of? That's our producer, Jennifer Marmer. Yes. What do you think? I think that Judge Oscar Thorne, you've got a really wise ruling. I think that that's perfect. Great. Then settle. Wait, Dad, what do you think? Well, I never played a musical instrument when I was a kid, but my friend Jody Scott was a trumpeter, went on to become a semi-professional trumpeter, and he had to practice a certain amount of time every day. And so I wonder if we could also extend the courtesy that if Thomas needs specific practice times, it's appropriate for him to practice during those times in the room. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Wait, I just thought of the most amazing idea. What's that?

I think this is going to work so well. It's part of what you think. So whoever is Thomas and Simon's parents, they should give them separate rooms. That would be ideal, for sure. I mean, you're still going to hear that trombone all through the house, which is why I say, I think that both thorns are correct,

that there should be a fair time to practice that is reserved for Thomas to practice his trombone. And, uh, maybe he should find another place to practice. Maybe he should go outside. It is fairly temperate in Garland, Texas. If you've got a yard, you can practice that in the yard. No one in this family is going to be safe from this trombone i'll guarantee you that i got the i got the back of the head bruises to show it from my time and what was the ska band that i was real big fish real big fish wait but if you like fish then you could get a largemouth bass and slam it on thomas's head or you could use it to mute the trombone that's another option yeah but the point the point is play the trombone, that's another option. But the point is, play the trombone responsibly. And that does not mean you cannot just grab the room to play it whenever you want. Set a time

to practice in the room or in another space so that you get your tromboning in and Simon gets a little quiet time. Here's a case from Jackson in Minnesota. My children are in a dispute about the rules of a staring contest. My son will make a quick hand motion toward my daughter, causing her to flinch, thereby losing the contest. Oh, wow. Like that. Dude, my friends used to do that sometimes in staring contests, and it is so annoying. I think that this is final.

This is going to be a short thing. 100% you are not allowed to surprise the other player. I absolutely agree. Great. Here's something from Maya in Hastings on Hudson. My name is Maya and I'm 12. I bring the case against my father, Ken. He agreed to pay me $20 an hour to destroy old taxes in our shredder. He agreed to pay me $20 an hour to destroy old taxes in our shredder. Recently, I worked for an hour and shredded one accordion file full of taxes. I asked for payment, but my father refused. He said I'll only get paid once I finish the whole job.

Please order my father to pay me every time I finish shredding for the day instead of once I finish shredding every accordion file. Thank you. So what's the kid side one? So here's the deal. What's the kid thinking? Here's the deal. I'm going with the kid either way. Imagine this scenario.

Do you know what a paper shredder is, Oscar? No. It's a machine. Look, I've got one here. Let me show you. This is a paper shredder. It's a machine. Look, I've got one here.

Let me show you. This is a paper shredder. This is some junk mail that was sent to our daughter who lives in a different place now. And I know it's junk mail, so it's fine. But imagine it's like a very confidential material, like a secret. I've discovered the secret of making a wooden vacuum cleaner, and I don't want anyone in the world to know it. And I wrote it down here. This is what I do.

I shred it and this shredder has has a bunch of blades in it and it shreds it into little pieces of paper like this and no one can ever read the secret of how to make a wooden vacuum cleaner again but wait you know how to make a wooden vacuum cleaner? Apparently. So he claims. Of course I do. But the secret now dies with me because I only wrote it down in one place. And he put it through the shredder. So you shred paper in it. Like in this case, imagine your dad asked you to shred a bunch of important papers and

was going to pay you $20 an hour. You worked for an hour, got halfway done, asked for $20. And your dad said to you, no, you get paid when the job is done. Finish the job, then I'll pay you for however long you work. Oh, I get it. I get it. So who's right? Who's wrong? Okay. So I think that the dad's right that they should get paid after the job's done. Because imagine this, the person gives you the money in the middle of it, and then they're like, I'm done. Thank you for the money. That could be like a trick. And that would not be nice.

And I just think it's not right that someone would get paid in the middle of the job. Mm. Mm. But if you have a job like scooping ice cream and you're being paid $15 an hour or whatever, you get paid at the end of the week

or every two weeks. Really? For all the hours that you worked. You're not being paid once all of the ice cream is gone. I, well, I'm still sticking with what I said. All right. The dad's right. Yeah.

We're going to move on with the show. I'm with Oscar. If somebody was shredding my papers, I would pay them for it when they were done shredding my papers. Well, yeah, but I mean, the fact is, unless Maya is misrepresenting the situation, she was being offered an hourly job. Gavel sound. I'll allow it. Gavel sound.

Gavel sound. Okay, can I take a little break? I'm kind of hungry. Yeah, you want to go grab a snack? Okay, I'll be right back. Great. While Judge Oscar is getting a snack, I'll step in just to say, so Maya, I find in your favor if that was your agreement, but... That's my sound.

But I will warn you, $20 an hour to shred is a good job. Like, I like shredding and I love accordion files, and Hastings on Hudson is not far from here. I might pay $10 an hour. I might pay Ken $20 an hour to come and shred those taxes. So don't, don't overthink your way out of this gig. Keep it while you, you know, it's nice work while you can get it. Let's take a quick break so that Oscar can eat a mamba. We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie,

Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from clearing the docket to discuss what we have upcoming. What's going on with you? Well, Jesse, as we record this, in exactly 34 minutes, I am going to be having a phone call. It is actually, I don't want to brag, a conference call between me, David Reese,

and a third party who I might describe as a stakeholder in our secret project. And at the conclusion of this conference call, I am 79% certain in, in, in, I'm not even going to say what business we're talking about because my secret project might be a, might be a new kind of sandwich, but I am seven. And even in this business, I project with 79% confidence that by next week, I will be able to tell you a, what the secret project is and B how you can enjoy it. I hope. So please stay tuned to this

information as it develops. Now, completely unconnected in any way, Dicktown, the animated show that David Reese and I co-created, the first season of which is now on Hulu, is still on Hulu at bit.ly slash D-I-C-K-T-O-W-N. If you haven't checked it out, check it out. And hey, if you'd like to go to IMDb, I know no one goes to IMDb anymore, but if you want to go to IMDb or wherever you rate your favorite programs

and want to give it a, and you liked it and you wanted to give it a nice review, that sure would be nice. If you want to spread the word about season one of Dicktown for no reason whatsoever,

that would be nice too. Bit.ly slash D-I-C-K-T-O-W-N. I'll also mention that we have officially announced the comedy lineup for the Solid Sound Festival with Wilco this Memorial Day in May. It's a big weekend festival of Wilco performances, other great musical performances, and as well, I and Jean Grey will co-host, as always, the comedy stage, which will feature returning comedian River Butcher, Nagin Farsad from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, and as well, Nick Offerman. So if you're able to get near North Adams, Massachusetts, Memorial Day in May, go check it out at solidsoundfest.com. That's solidsoundfest.com. Jesse, what's going on with you?

We've got some great interviews this week on my NPR show Bullseye with Jesse Thorne that I hope everyone will check out. One is one that I did with Charlie Day from, of course, film and also the longest running sitcom in television history, I think, at this point. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which is- That's on the FX network, right? It is. So you can watch that on Hulu. Right. FX on Hulu, which is where Dicktown is hosted as well. Bit.ly slash Dicktown,

always be plugging. Go on. Charlie Day is fantastic. I recommend both of them. Charlie Day, unlike his wild-eyed and insane idiots that he plays on television, he is a very bright, engaged, wonderful conversationalist and a real sweet guy. And I really enjoyed getting to talk to him because I've loved his work

so much for so long. And also this week, the brilliant, hilarious, and good at singing, just overall too talented Kristen Bell is on Bullseye. A great interview conducted by my pal Helen Zaltzman, who is also one of the co-hosts of the Veronica Mars Investigations podcast. That's awesome. That's an incredible conversation, I'm sure. I can't wait to hear it.

And Judge Hodgman, next week or this coming week. It might even be this week by the time our listeners listen to this. Yeah, go on. Big boy from OutKast and and sleepy brown are on the show whoa and totally rules if you want to hear them reminiscing about the time they spent all living in sleeping bags in their friend's mom's basement uh they all just lived together and in this one house that they called the dungeon because it was so uh dark gry, and full of spiders. And just laughing and goofing around, man. It was really fun.

If you want to hear about the shaved bald heads that Andre and Big Boy had when they auditioned to get their deal with Organized Noise, which Sleepy Brown is one of the three producers in, man. It's just a really fun interview. So I hope everybody will go subscribe to Bullseye so they'll get that when it comes out. Some of the best conversations ever recorded on digital audio tape, I got to say. Oh, that's very kind of you. And Kristen Bell, I forgot that she was a singer. And you know what kind of singer she is? Gifted? A good at singing singer.

Yeah. She's so good at it. Give me a break, Kristen Bell. Shall we get back to the docket? Let's do it. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Here's a letter from Christian. It says,

My son asked I share his letter to you with no alterations. It follows. Dear Judge John Hodgman, My name is Alex and I am eight years old and I want a YouTube channel. But my mom and dad disagree, So we want you to decide. My channel will have videos with bottle flipping, dice stacking, and ping I'm sorry. I'm not going to have you stealth market your favorite YouTube channels on our podcast. They're well-known stunts and tricks channels. Yeah. I'm just going to use this opportunity to buzz market this one YouTube video I watched about a cassette player that's a cassette changer that goes around in a circle like a slide

projector. I like that. Oh, man, I loved it. Anyway, go watch that. Just type in cassette player that goes around in a circle. I looked on the paper, and I do kind of watch YouTube sometimes every once in a while. Breaking news, does your dad know this? Yes, he does. Okay.

Did you recognize some of those channels on there? No, I did not recognize any of does. Okay. Yeah. Did you recognize some of those channels on there? No, I did not recognize any of them. Okay. It's not my job to advertise for them. Yes. Nice try, Alex. It's not. It's not.

Alex says, I want my channel to be like theirs. And implied there is that he probably wants it to have videos about cassette players. Right. Cassette players that go around in it. Here are the reasons why I think I should have a YouTube channel. It lets you embrace your creativity for cool videos. Some of the most popular YouTube channels

are made by children. It is a fun and easy way to make money. Well, it's no shredding taxes, but okay. You're spreading your knowledge. Arguably. Later in your channel, you get a bronze, silver, and gold plaque for the number of subscribers you get. I love a plaque. And I already have a camera, someone who can encourage me, hashtag my dog, and I already

have some videos for my channel. And those are my reasons why I think I should have a YouTube channel. Please help me with my problems. Sincerely, Alex. P.S. My dad will include samples of my video ideas. Jesse, my dog Sprocket helps me with some samples of my videos. All right. This is an audio podcast, but I could not help but want to share with you, Oscar and Jesse, and you, Jennifer Marmer, the videos that Alex shared via his dad. Okay. So without further ado, play 38 first. Let's do this. Watch it.

Yes! Oh my God. Whoa. That was... It was pretty amazing. Yeah, that was awesome. Can you describe what he did, Oscar? So he got all the dice in like a line and he went and he got them all. Yeah, he swung his cup back and forth like a yellow sort of Yahtzee dice rolling cup.

And then he picked it up and they all stacked. Yeah, the dice are all in a stack. Six dice, one on top of the other. I think that that must be what he was referring to with his dice stacking videos proposal. Now I'm going to ask you to look at video 34. This video that was shared by Alex shows his bottle flipping skills. He's going to flip the bottle not once, but twice. We look forward to your reaction.

Whoa. Let's go! Whoa! So what did he do, Oscar? So he put the bottle on like a foam thing. So he flipped. So there was like a foam thing. Like a foam roller, like a foam cylinder that was maybe three feet tall.

Uh-huh. He flicked it and then it went completely on top of it. Yeah. So first he flipped a bottle up into the air and it landed on top of the foam roller perfectly. Then what did he do? And that was like amazing. And then something crazy happened. He kicked the foam roller and the bottle went spinning and then it fell right, like right on, like perfectly.

Perfectly on the floor. Yeah. Absolutely. That was bottle flipping. This one represents a ping pong trick shot. And I encourage you to watch to the end. He will dab, but wait till the very end of the dab, please. Okay, so what we see as we start the video is he's on his knees on the landing of his carpeted stairs. And he has a ping pong ball in his hand and there are two small wooden boards and a red solo cup. So he bounced it off of

the board. Oh my, oh! Oh my goodness! What did he just do, Oz? So, wait. Oh, and he got the dab. Oh, and then he hit his hand when he dabbed. He hit his hand on the railing, but Alex could not be happier,

even though he was clearly in pain at the very end. So he threw the ball on one of the wooden boards. It bounced back. It went bounce, bounce, bounce into the cup, and then it bounced out of the cup. He bounced it off of one board into the cup. Then he bounced it off that same board up into the air off of the other board. That's maybe six steps up that bounced up off of that board, hit the landing, bounced once, landed back in the cup. It was amazing. Then he dabbed and hit his hand on

the railing, which was also pretty great. And yet his glory was undeterred. Yeah. One last one for you. We promised you that he has someone to support him. Hashtag his dog. Sprocket helps out in this video. Okay, so we've got the video loaded up and we're seeing Sprocket. So it's paused at the beginning, but we see Sprocket. And oh my gosh, Sprocket is exactly the dog you want to pander to us. Right, Oscar?

Yeah. Why do we love Sprocket, Oz? Because it's a scruff. Because it's a scruff. Because it's a scruff. Yes. And it has cute eyeballs. It does have cute eyeballs. Okay, let's just watch it. Okay. So Sprocket is... Sprocket put the ball into the cup.

Oh, buddy. Aww. Sprocket knocked the ball out of Alex's hand into the cup. Thus completing the ping pong trick shot and the four videos that were sent. Now, Oscar, this decision is in your hands. Alex wants a YouTube channel.

I, okay. This is very important. If you, if you order that his parents set up a YouTube channel for him, then people will get to see these videos. If we order that he does set up a YouTube channel for him, then people will get to see these videos. If you order that he does not have a YouTube channel, no one will ever see these videos. Only you, your dad, me, and Jennifer Marmer, and obviously Alex and his parents will get to enjoy these videos.

What is your thinking? I think that the dog should have the YouTube channel. Whoa. you're thinking i think that the dog should have the youtube channel whoa this is the kind of outside of the box thinking we go to the younger generation for yes the dog should have the youtube channel so sorry alex sorry their parents but the dog's gonna have a youtube channel we're done with the show booyah wait a minute just dabbed when he hit his hand on the railing. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

Judge Oscar, are you making the gavel mouth sound because you want to wrap this up so you can get to your tea time at the golf course? Oscar, what are we doing next? I don't know what we're doing next. You and I, once we're done making the show, what are we going to go do? We're going to get tacos. Yeah, we're going to go get tacos. So Oscar's pretty pumped on the tacos. I'm pumped. All right. Here's'm pumped all right here's what i'm so pumped here's what i have to say i

agree with judge oscar and i agree with your mom and dad i asked christian why uh he and alex's mom felt that he should not have a youtube channel is you was too young his his only argument. Oh, yes. And Christian and Teresa wrote back, too young was a simplification. YouTube requires you to be 13 before you can create an account. So we are working from the premise that we would have to create and manage the account for him if we were to rule in his favor.

But their concerns are otherwise. We are worried about him deriving his self-worth via likes and subscriber numbers. Well, worry about him being a human today, okay. We are worried about him deriving his self-worth via likes and subscriber numbers. Well, worry about him being a human today. Okay. We are worried about the trolls who inevitably engage with his content and also being a human. We are worried about the loss of privacy, also being a human today, not just for Alex, but for our family as he exposes our lives more to the outside world.

I am going to say that since YouTube has a regulation that you cannot create a channel if you are younger than 13 though they do encourage the workaround that they will allow your parents to set it up for you Alex your parents don't want to run this YouTube channel for you they've got other stuff to do

they've got to feed Sprocket I think having a YouTube channel sounds kind of hard. And you could, I think maybe you could get, oh, wait, this is an amazing idea. What if you got a private YouTube channel for your family? I'm with Oscar. Yes. A private YouTube channel for your family, I think, is a perfectly reasonable way to go.

And you can send them to your relatives and stuff. And Alex, you're only going to get better with your trick shots and your bottle flips and your sprocket tricks and everything else. it with a high level of skill and also with a maturity and a dedication of putting out content regularly, which is the only way that you are going to be able to get the kinds of likes and subscribes and bell rings and whatever that you are seeking right now. But for now, it is good to do the thing first and foremost for your own satisfaction rather than for the likes and subscribes. And as well, your parents don't want to be your social media managers. They're your parents. They got other stuff to do.

Like, like doing work and like my dad doing this show. Yeah, exactly. This is stuff that he's got to do. So that said, I'm going to give you Alex. I'm going to give you some good news since Oscar and I meted out the bad

news. going to give you some good news since Oscar and I meted out the bad news. Your mom and dad did give us permission to post these videos to our social media, which means we get the likes and subscribes, but also your incredible videos get out to the world. And I think you'll be happy when they do. Check the show page, MaximumFun.org and our Instagram and any other place that we get permission to post these. We will give you full credit, Alex, and we'll tell the world, wait just a short, I know it seems like a million years before you turn 13. But I guarantee you it's going to be two seconds and the world will be waiting for you in Sprocket at that time. By the time you're a teenager, you might not even be into bottle flips. You might have moved on to spirit Halloween stores.

Good point. Yeah, we'll put you in touch with Aiden, our spirit Halloween video YouTube maven, and he can give you some tips and tricks when the time comes.

Our docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Our editor is Valerie Moffitt. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman.

You have Twitter? Yeah, I have Twitter. I like to make little jokes there. Really? Yeah. You know what, Jesse? I think your jokes are really good on Twitter. Thank you, John. Yeah, your jokes are horrible in person. Yeah, that's John's point here. That's not my point.

Okay, we're done! Don't stick off my headphones. Make sure to hashtag your judge, John Hodgman, tweets, hashtag JJHO. Check out the Maximum Fund subreddit. That's at maximumfund.reddit.com. I know we have a kitchen episode coming up with Kenji Lopez-Alt that we're looking for cases for. Anything related to food, to cooking, to sous-viding, to emulsifying. Got any taco disputes?

Send them in. Hodgman at MaximumFun.org, as well as MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Our special guest judge this week has been Oscar Thorne, age eight. As you can tell, I'm opposed to encouraging eight-year-olds to publicly seek the approbation of others. I don't think we could have done it without Oscar because clearly now that he's wandered out of the studio, we're breaking down. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. podcast.