Judge John Hodgman - Lawn and Order

Episode Date: July 3, 2013

Jumi brings the case against her husband, Josh. Josh thinks they need a riding mower to tame their front and backyards. Jumi says the idea is absurd and impractical. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Scott Adsit. This week, law and order. Jumi brings the case against her husband, Josh. Josh thinks they need a riding mower to tame their front and back yards. Jumi says the idea is absurd and impractical. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. There's no one knows your life better than a bailiff that's near your age. He knows who you are and what you are better than anyone on earth. My bailiff and I said some unforgivable things the last time we met. And I'm trying to put that behind me.

And this trip is a hard swallow of my pride. I just hope I'm not too late. A bailiff's a bailiff. Scott, swear him in. Jimmy and Josh, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that Judge John Hodgman has only ridden a tractor once in his life, and that was as Farmer McField in his school's production of Why We Eat Vegetables, and that that tractor was played by his classmate Bobby Swantech, and that that school

was Yale University? I do. I do. Thank you. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Thank you very much, guest bailiff Scott Adsit. What a pleasure to have you here again. For an immediate summary judgment in your favor, Jumi or Josh or Scott, you can also play. Can you name the piece of culture that I paraphrased and made reference to as I entered the courtroom? Scott? Was it Oceans 12? Incorrect. And not close.

Jumi? Was it The Lawnmower Man? Oh. Maybe I should have thought of that one. That would have been good for this case, wouldn't it have been? But that was not what came to mind when I was trying to come up with something to say as I entered the courtroom. Josh, it all comes down to you. Of Pride and Prejudice, Zombie Edition?

No. You mean Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? Yes. Yeah. No. No. No. Again, it was from a film called The Straight Story, 1999, starring Richard Farnsworth,

directed by David Lynch, based on a true story about an older guy, a farmer in the Midwest, whose brother is dying and he cannot get his driver's license renewed due to failing eyesight and a bad leg. So he drives his riding lawnmower hundreds and hundreds of miles to see his dying brother. Jumi, you have a bone to pick with your husband, is that correct? That is correct. And what is the pick and bone? So the pick and bone is that Josh, well, we have a lawnmower currently, but our lawnmower is dying and it's about 10 years old. It's time to replace it. And so as we're looking for a new lawnmower, Josh insists on getting a riding lawnmower, also known as a lawn tractor, that has a cup holder.

I'll take your word for what it's also known as. I don't have one. And then you threw in, like with an arched eyebrow, that has a cup holder, which would seem as though I know what that signifies. What does that signify to you, Jimmy? What does that signify to you, Jumi? It signifies the fact that mowing the lawn when you're riding one of these things is a very lazy activity, that you don't even need both hands, so you can use one hand to drink a beer. I would like to submit that comment as evidence. As evidence of what, Josh?

That it makes lawn mowing easier, and therefore you'll do it more. Uh, that it makes lawn mowing easier and therefore you'll do it more. Oh, I thought you were going to use it as evidence of Jumi's incredibly snobby attitude towards suburban conveniences. Jumi does seem to be in contempt of Josh. I hold you in contempt of Josh, Jumi. How long have you been married to one another? Six months on Saturday. Oh, congratulations.

So you are newlyweds. Yeah, apparently. Oh, congratulations. So you are newlyweds. Yeah, apparently. Well, congratulations. This is about a seventh year argument. Yeah, you're speeding up the bridge to total marriage fighting. We did get married when there wasn't any grass on the ground.

Well, did you meet the day before? Was this an arranged marriage, did you, and did you meet the day before? Was this an arranged marriage or did you not know that you would have such fundamental disputes as to whether or not to ride on a lawnmower? I think last summer still, I mean, we have been together for a while, but last summer the lawnmower still worked. So it wasn't an issue because we had a lawnmower. Well, wait a minute. How long, how long have you guys been dating before getting married uh she knew me back in 2003 yeah but we've been dating since about 2006. okay dating since about 2006 cohabiting how long since about 2006. oh okay so you guys have been living together for quite a while in sin

So you guys have been living together for quite a while in sin. Yes. Yes. And now you've made it right before the dread God Cthulhu. Or whatever. Spaghetti God. Exactly. And have you lived in the same place the entire time or has that changed?

No, it's been the same house. All right. Describe the house and the grounds to me. Okay. So we live in a suburb of Minneapolis in a standard sort of, it's a rambler. So single story home, about 1200 square feet. Wait a minute. A rambler. Is that a term? Have you ever heard that before, Scott? I have not, Judge. A rambler. Am I watching HGTV all of a sudden? Doesn't it sing Western songs to you as you sleep? It's a boxy house, one story.

In other places of the world, they would call it a bungalow. But when I moved to Minnesota, I learned that these were called ramblers. So that's a, that's a, that's a Minnesotan thing? Apparently. Okay. So it's a one, a one story box home. Yes. Rambler makes it seem like the house is wandering around the neighborhood. Just give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above.

Don't mow my lawn. Don't laugh at that. That was terrible. Go on. So you live in a one-story Rambler. The house and the garage probably take up like a third of the whole lot so are lots about a quarter of an acre so and your argument is that this is this is too little this is too little land to merit something to ride around on indeed all right and and you submitted some evidence to this. You either made use of a popular internet mapping service that taps into our satellites to look at yourselves from a bird's eye view or else you have your own predator drone.

I think it was Google's do you need a ride in lawnmower app. All right. Well, thank you for thank you for buzz marketing the service that I was trying to avoid mentioning. Yeah. So there's an overhead view of the lot. And then also that service that invades our privacy also drove by the house and took a picture. And this is in Minnesota? Yes.

This is very charming. This looks like the neighborhood from penis cartoons yeah um i think that um this is the land was from south of here yeah like south of minneapolis but yeah this makes sense this is the land of charles schultz because it looks are you looking at this scott do you have access to these materials yes and but you know what i mean don't you sort of feel like you you're gonna see like a troop of a troop of neurotic kids yes and maybe very low walls that they could lean on yeah exactly when when maybe a guy didn't feel like drawn bodies that day.

So it's a lazy neighborhood is what you're saying. Well, I'm saying it's a, it's a lazy, it's a sub, it is a extremely classic capital S suburb of the kind that you don't see a lot anymore. And is very typical of suburban twin cities. In my experience,

driving around there looking for Charles Schultz's house late at night for reasons. Your Honor, we actually live in a, it used to be a place called Oak Park and all the houses are the same. So it's the same layout. Some of them, they'll just put a second story on. So you see when you drive around the neighborhood, everybody does the best they can to make their house not look like everybody else's. But they all still look the same. They all still look the same. And your solution to individuate yourself from your neighbors is to pretend that you are a farmer.

Correct. All right. So, Josh, I haven't heard much from you because obviously in this marriage and relationship, you were constantly being shouted down by Jumi. So tell me your story. My story is I actually lived with my grandparents out in the country. They retired to a tree farm, of all places. And one of the things is when I was a kid, before I drove a car. Like a Christmas tree farm?

Like a Christmas tree farm? Christmas trees, basically, we let them grow a lot bigger than that. They're for the DNR. So maple and spruce. They're for the do not resuscitate order? Exactly. What is it? Department of Natural Resources.

Is that what that is? DNR? Correct. Don't drop a bunch of initials on me and expect me to know what you're talking about. I didn't grow up in a tree farm. right i grew up i grew up in a city brookline massachusetts so what why were you growing these trees uh so basically the uh the dnr wants to reforest and they create habitat for animals um my grandparents used to have a tree trimming business where they would either trim or cut down trees.

Tornadoes came through and my grandpa would go up on ropes and basically drop the tree down limb by limb to not hit the house or anything like that. And after he retired, he decided to give back to the community of trees and ended up basically took over a farm and uh planted uh spruce and uh maple trees and then basically i uh moved out there when uh once i got done with elementary school and uh before i before i drove a car i ended up having a cub cadet lawn tractor uh that i drove around and i'd drive it down to this down well not the cities but down to the uh the local town uh pulled boats and trailers and that kind of stuff. Wait a minute. So you, Richard Farnsworth, did up? You would drive around on a lawn tractor?

Yep. I even had a trailer with a chair in it so I could carry people. You had a trailer? What? What kind of chair? Please tell me it was a rocking chair. No, no. It was something I welded up. You welded up a chair? Please tell me it was a rocking chair. No, no. It's something I welded up.

You welded up a chair? Yep. And you put it in the... What do you mean you welded it up? You made a chair out of scrap iron? Correct. Out of iron trimmings that you got from your granddaddy's iron farm? Exactly. You made a chair?

Yep. Okay. And then you put it into the trailer? No, it was the trailer. So you were in a chair with wheels underneath it. The chair was the trailer? You drove down the road, yep. You made a transformer? Yes.

You made a trailer that could also be a chair? Correct. I've read about this. Yeah, tell me, Scott. Well, I've read about this kind of person. There are people out there who actually make things that are physical and can be used by people in a physical way well sure look i read i read the same legends in school books as you did but this guy is saying he actually did it with his own hands is there any photographic evidence of that yeah i'd like

to see a picture of your crazy. Yeah, there is. We couldn't find the picture to scan it in. Uh-huh. See what I mean, Scott? See what I mean? There's no proof that these people ever existed. Yeah, look, you're biased. You're running this hoax too.

You might as well be peddling Bigfoot to me right now, Josh. What was the furthest distance you drove on your on your weird jed clamp it rig uh probably about eight miles to luck wisconsin from atlas at what speed about 20 miles an hour it's pretty fast yeah i modified the governor on the carburetor so uh-huh and who were you with a rope who were you given a ride to and how long would they manage to stay on uh it was just it was just a boat trailer so but you put a chair in there so you could give rides to people who did you give a ride to but not that far uh to my aunt and my brother And only one person could sit there? Well, you could put a puppy on your lap, but that was about it.

Okay. This is what we call a Minnesota pedicab. No, excuse me, a Wisconsin pedicab. So you then fall in love with Jimmy. You move into a house that is that constrains you. You're a man of the tree farm. Not a man of the neurotic peanuts 1950s.

You push around. What kind of lawnmower did you have before this? It was a five horsepower craftsman lawnmower. Only emulsion. It had a bag only mulching it didn't have a it had a bag attachment but it didn't have like a side discharge chute there's a picture of that yes i see the picture of it there and you of course the first thing i noticed was its lack

of a side discharge chute well that that brings up a good point because our grass actually grows a lot faster and there's a lot of areas that are pretty thick. And the problem with the push mower is it just doesn't have the power to cut the grass consistently. So what ends up happening is if you use the bag attachment, it fills the bag up in one rotation of going around the yard. Or if you have it just mulch in, it clogs it up and it dies right away. So you're constantly starting the thing again. So you're making the argument that this five horsepower lawnmower, which I now understand no longer works, right? So it's kind of, it's mooted.

It's still running. Like I was surprised when it started up this spring, but it has started the times we've needed it this year. Jumi, do you agree that it is time for some kind of new lawn mowing technology? Absolutely. All right. And your objection to the riding mower, which you have yet or you do not yet have, Josh? I actually, I was trying to start the push mower. I got frustrated.

So I went on, sorry, I'm not going to say the name of it, but a local sell-in site and found a really good deal. It was an antique John Deere lawn tractor with a brand new engine. And you rode your push broom right over and picked it up. Yep. And he had it for $175. I talked him down to $100 and brought it home. And the moment I got it home, Jimmy looked at it and she said, no, we are not having a riding lawnmower. Get that thing out of here. So I ended up, one of my buddies had just moved to a house from a townhome where they mow

their lawn uh for them and um so he ended up he was looking for ryan lawnmower so i sold it to him why was he looking for one i didn't they mow it for him right no he went from a townhome oh i see he has to mow his own lawn and he's having the time of his life correct exactly is the thing working okay uh yeah yeah so he loves it yeah i'm looking at a picture of it right now and and you you know what i don't see what well first of all you know what i do see something that might be a side discharge chute yep And what I don't see is a cup holder. There was pictures with the cup holder, but I think due to bandwidth size, they didn't give them to you.

Uh-huh. But what I do see is a really nice-looking, beautiful John Deere golden green lawn tractor. 1970s. 1970s. It's like, yeah. And you got it for what? A hundred and what?

A hundred dollars. A hundred dollars. And it got it for what? A hundred and what? A hundred dollars. A hundred dollars. And it worked. Did you try it out at all? It did. I mowed the lawn twice with it. So while I was waiting for my friend to come pick it up. And did you have, did you have memories of being a young man dragging your aunt along the rural routes of Wisconsin with a puppy on your lap? I did. I actually hooked it up to my boat and trailer and just drove around the yard a few times in memory of it. Well, that

sounded, that was, what had started as nostalgia now turned into mania. So, Jimmy. Yes, sir. I don't see the argument here. What is the argument? Why did you make him give this thing away? There's a few reasons. The first is that we don't have space to store it.

So it takes up significantly larger space in the garage than the regular lawnmower does. Do you have a one-car garage or two car garage? It is a one workshop, one motorcycle, and a lot of spare parts garage. So no car goes in there? Unfortunately not, no. If there were a car to go in there, would it be a one car garage or a two car garage? It would be a two car garage. All right, go on. Next reason. Because our lot is so small and because we don't have hills, I feel that our neighbors will laugh at us for using a riding lawnmower while we are like able-bodied adults. And the last reason is that basically I don't get along very well with small engines and they tend not to start off well for me and they don't run very well. So I like things to be less complicated. And so a riding

lawnmower is more complicated than a push mower. And so there's more points of failure where I won't be able to move the lawn and then the neighbors will judge us for not having our lawn mode. Well, first of all, I have two questions. One is about your neighbors. Why are they such jerks? If they're constantly laughing at you and judging you, maybe you should move. Have you ever heard of the term Minnesota nice? Yes, I have. Well, that's it right there. Yeah.

They're from Wisconsin. Oh, yeah. But those are from here. How would you describe how would you describe Minnesota nice to the listeners who maybe have not heard it before? Minnesota nice is a sort of passive aggressive, very nice to your face. But immediately, as soon as you're out of the room, a lot of back talking and cattiness. This is coming from a Canadian, by the way. Where are you from in Canada, Jimmy? I am from Toronto.

Have you ever heard the term Toronto nice? Never once in my life. Just means you're pretty nice. People from any other place in Canada wouldn't agree with you on that one. You think people in other parts of Canada think that people from Toronto are cool lawnmower haters who like to deny happiness of their partners? Pretty much, yeah. I didn't know Toronto had that reputation. I actually thought my interpretation of Canadians when I married her was that they were able to cut a tree down and skin a bear and that kind of stuff.

And unfortunately, I found out that Toronto is as much like a metropolis city. Yeah, it's a big city. But I don't know why you're injecting the fact that Jimmy doesn't have good luck with small engines doesn't mean that she's any less an awesome person. Oh, no, no. She's totally awesome. She just doesn't like riding lawnmowers. oh no no she's totally awesome right she just doesn't like riding lawnmowers do you have any evidence that your neighbors are two-faced awful people like you fear no do you have any evidence

that if it were not for let me put it this way do you have any evidence that if you had a regular lawnmower and that you and that you ablely pushed it around, that these awful two-faced phonies were going to like you anymore if they are, in fact, awful two-faced phonies? Or maybe they'll just find something else to talk about behind your back. This is all purely conjecture. Right. Do you have, Jumi, you say that you have trouble with small engines do you guys have a lawn mowing labor sharing plan where you guys agree that you take turns is it the case that you're going to be mowing this lawn a lot so most of the time it's

josh who mows the lawn um but there's times when josh for Josh for work is out of town and a lot of time that's in the summertime. And so at those times, I end up having to mow the lawn. And then I also end up mowing the lawn when there has been a long period of weeks where the lawn has not been mowed for whatever reason. And then it's very long and then I need to mow it and then the lawnmower doesn't work and I am disappointed. And how often do you have to mow the lawn, Josh? How often does it need to be mowed, Josh or Jimmy, whoever is the answer? Well, it actually, the funny thing is, is it used to not be that much, but Jimmy wanted us to try to kill the dandelions. So she wanted us to consistently mow more often.

And with the increased rain, uh, it grows a lot faster. So, uh, probably about once every week. And where, why are you leaving home for long stretches of time in the summer? I'm, I'm in the Minnesota national guard and they've been sending me, um, so I've been deployed three times already. Um, and then, uh, a bunch of the times it's you have to go to camp or get called away for school. Okay.

Well, thank you for your service. Where have you been deployed? Twice to Iraq, once to Kuwait. Okay. Yeah, I can see why. They don't have lawns there. No, I guess not. I guess not.

And how do you respond to Jimmy's argument that, um, when you are off, uh, being an American hero that she can't mow the lawn properly on a riding lawnmower? Uh, well, the thing is, I didn't mean for that to sound sarcastic, by the way. No, no, no, no, that's fine. Emphasize the fact that not only does this riding lawnmower bring you pleasure in concept and in execution, but also you are a member of the Minnesota National Guard who is serving overseas and maybe should enjoy a thing from time to time. So the main thing is, is I actually would counter that riding lawnmower is easier to start. It's, it's got electric start. You're not yanking on it at all. You just push a button. So if that doesn't work, then you just go charge the battery. I mean, it's a lot better than, than trying to pull in a cord for half the afternoon and hoping that it'll start. Do you mean during the brief period that you had the riding lawnmower, the John Deere 1970s

version, did you try to use it at all? I wrote it once, but Josh started it for me. And it has a pull cord start. Well, that one did. That one did. Josh, you're thinking about getting it. If you were going to ruin your favor and you were going to get a new riding lawnmower, If I were going to ruin your favor and you were going to get a new riding lawnmower, would you get a new riding lawnmower?

Or were you going to go to a local selling website that shall remain unnamed and do some of your patented tree farmer haglin? I would go back to my old Cub Cadet lawn tractor that I had as a kid. I would try to find one of those. Wait a minute. Are you buying something to mow the lawn or to putt, putt down memory lane? Uh, both. But,

but if you really, you have a list of ways to counter Jumi's arguments. One of them is she can't properly mow the lawn when you're away. If you get one of these things and you want to get a cub cadet from when you were a kid. My memory is that to start one of those things, you had to pull two rip cords and use an old timey can opener to pull the pop top. Nope, that had electric start too and a automatic transmission. It had an electric start and an automatic transmission?

And an automatic transmission, a hydrostatic automatic transmission. All right. You know what? You are an American hero, but you don't have to throw around a lot of words that I don't know. All right. I get it. Don't start singing Grease Lightning. Or if you know the words, do start singing it. Go Grease Lightning. Go on.

That's pretty much as much as I know. Grease Lightning. Go Grease Lightning. Okay. Yeah. I know those words too. All right. Well, I was singing Back Up For You. lightning go on that's pretty much as much as i know grease lightning go grease lightning okay yeah i know those words too all right well i was singing backup for you oh thank you oh all right so what what other what what counter arguments do you have to make to jimmy uh for the yard is too small to mow often um it takes about two hours to mow the front and back yard um so doing a push mower it's just going to take that even though it's a small yard we have to mow the front and back yard. So doing a push mower, it's just going to take that. Even though it's a small yard, we have to mow it more often.

She said that we're young and able, and therefore we shouldn't need it. I've had three deployments. My back is bad. And young people become old people by not embracing labor-saving technology. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Young people become old people by not embracing labor-saving technology correct no that's how obese teenagers start riding around in

jazzies uh-huh and and then and then you you started this is i don't know that it's befitting of the minnesota national guard for you start playing the pity card where i've been overseas and my back hurts and also my ptsd look you those are those are real and very serious issues but i don't think you should deploy them in service of getting a lawnmower sir okay i suppose that's fair it'll call it'll take less time so i'm going to strike away your argument about young people stay young by augmenting their bodies with enhancements or something let's say take that strike that is it'll take less time it'll be easier for you right roger we'll leave it at that argument. Thank you.

Yep. Jimmy, I think... Okay. Josh, you understand I'm going to rule in your favor, so... Oh, okay. Sorry. Wait a second. You may want to be careful. Well, Jimmy, you can hear where this is going, right?

Sadly, yes. So let me hear a final argument, a closing argument that's going to change my mind. I mean, you want me to rule in your favor. Tell me why and what ruling you would like me to make, because you do have to change technology here or upgrade your mowing, because this sounds like the old 5HP has got a malfunctioning discharge, non-existent discharge chute with a lack of hydrostatic transmission, Marine National Guard or whatever. So what would you offer instead? I would like for you to rule that we purchase either a completely non-powered manual reel lawnmower or, if it must be a powered push mower, then a self-propelled mower with an electric start. And in the alternative, if you do rule in favor of Josh, I ask that you add a proviso that he not ride the lawnmower down the street.

And the reason for why you should rule for me is that as much as this particular piece of equipment would bring Josh joy, he has a number of pieces of equipment that make him happy. And that should be enough? bring Josh joy. He has a number of pieces of equipment that make him happy. And, um, and that should be enough. Like what, what equipment does he have that makes him happy? Currently there is a Bobcat in the backyard, I guess,

uh, a non-specified brand skid loader. Uh, okay. I don't know what, I don't know what that is. It's kind of a, it's got a tractor,

like track wheels and it's got a little scoop in the front, and you use it for like moving dirt around and like medium-sized landscaping jobs. Josh, is that something you can ride down the street? Yes. Yes, it is. And chase children. And do you do that? Not yet. She won't let me.

Okay. Why can't he ride a bobcat down the street? I'm pretty sure it's not legal. What? All right. Go on. He has a boat, a speedboat, and he has a he currently has a dirt bike, but I'm under advisement that the dirt bike is going away. And he has a motorcycle.

He has a number of trailers and various welding equipment and multiple metal lathes. Let me ask you this question. Do you have a motorcycle, Jimmy? I do have a motorcycle. Okay. Get rid of it.

We'll see you next time on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. But it's fun and it brings me some joy. Oh, well I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. But it's all I have when my husband is overseas and I'm all at home all alone.

Yeah, but don't you think the neighbors are talking about it? Yeah, they probably think it's awesome. Do you think, here's a serious question, and I would like you to answer honestly. Do you think that your husband has all of these things because he makes use of them and they enhance his pleasure and happiness in life? Or do you think he has a problem and he's hoarding machines and tools and stuff because he is a broken human being who can't stop thinking about rural Wisconsin?

The answer to that question can't be both. No. I appreciate that it's a spectrum, but you have to pick. Yeah. These things do in fact give him, give him pleasure and enjoyment and he does use them. Sometimes for the benefit of her. Yes. But not often.

Not as much as would warrant actually owning these things as opposed to renting them when needed. I think I've heard everything I need to make my decision. I'm going to I'm going to ride this this egg beater into my chambers and I will I will consider my decision. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Well, Jimmy and Josh, let me ask you, Jimmy, how do you think if Judge John Hodgman rules in favor of your husband, how will this change your relationship? It means that I don't think it will change our relationship at all. So this has no consequences whatsoever? No, except in terms of like, if I will ever be able to park my car in the garage and the answer to that will become no. And you seem to be very concerned about the neighbors and their judgment of you through Josh. Well, their judgment of both of us, yes. So you're protecting your husband really

when you're telling him not to enjoy himself. I only want what's best for him. What is your rank, Josh? I'm a staff sergeant. Staff sergeant. So you're used to taking orders but also giving some as well. Correct. And do you find yourself in – what would you say Jumi's rank is? What would you say Jumi's rank is?

I would say wife of the household, which is probably above most other ranks. That is an officer position, I would think. Correct. Okay. And Josh, how do you think the relationship might change if you lost this case? I would probably buy a few goats and put them in the backyard. If we're going to go back in time to the Bronze Age, we might as well do that. That's nice. You can ride those as well.

Exactly. Is the cup holder a Bronze Age invention? I think it was. They haven't proven it yet, but they had cups back then. We'll be right back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's ruling. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them

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Well, first of all, I've been looking at this surveillance photos of your home. First of all, I've been looking at this surveillance photos of your home, and there is no question in my mind that this is not a home that requires a riding lawnmower in order to tend to the lawn, no matter what. Staff Sergeant Josh says it could be handled very easily by a powered push mower with an appropriate discharge chute mounted on it. And if you were truly of a puritanical mind or simply belonged to some bizarre religious sect, even a regular old-timey push mower, what Jumi refers to rather snobbly as a real lawnmower, could probably do the job. I didn't mean real as in not fake. Yeah, I know. I understand. Look, you know what? You used a word and I took its meaning. That could probably do the job if you had, as I say, if you belonged to a religious sect that, uh, uh, that, uh, that, that, that hated convenience and wanted to waste as much time as possible before you

die. Uh, and so if there were the situation that, um, I would almost be inclined to, to rule for Jumi if there were mitigating factors such as there was, well, I can't even think of what they would be. I guess if you guys couldn't afford $100 for a riding lawnmower that looks awesome, then maybe there would be that if it were the case that Jumi, you were the person who mowed the lawn 90% of the time, or even 70% of the time, uh, I would say, you know,

uh, uh, possession is nine tenths of the lawn. You know what I mean? And you would be able to pick the tool that you, uh, that you get to use for it, but that's not the case.

Uh, and what's more, uh, Josh has made a fairly compelling argument, if only by virtue of the wistfulness of his voice, that having a riding lawnmower and riding it around and dragging family members behind him and transporting lap puppies is a part of his life that he wishes he had back. And then there is the issue of this John Deere, which, you know, I am a man of civilization. I am a nerd. I grew up in a non-rural suburban affluent community known as Brookline, Massachusetts.

And I have never sat on a riding lawnmower in my life. But just like pornography, I know what an awesome riding lawnmower looks like when I see it. And that was a thing of beauty that your husband bought. And that to me is more telling than anything else that this is as much an aesthetic choice as it is a functional one or i should say as an aesthetic choice or preference that happens to coincide with functionality because this thing that he wants is something that is part of a deeper yearning that he has. And the evidence, Jumi, that you have attempted to provide that this would have some negative impact on your lives, unfortunately, is not very compelling because you've not been able to

unfortunately is not very compelling because you've not been able to demonstrate that the neighbors would be put out, that they would even be upset, never mind that they might snigger behind your back. If they snigger behind your back, who cares? You know, your husband is in the Minnesota National Guard, American hero, and you're Jumi, you're awesome. Why do you care what they think? So there is unfortunately, Jumi, no strong evidence here that would compel me to prohibit your husband from getting a thing that would make him happy. Yes, it's unnecessary, but owning things that are unnecessary is the definition of aesthetic. The definition of aesthetic is a thing that does more than simply serve a purpose, but pleases the soul and mind in a different way. And there is no question in my mind that bobcats and dirt bikes aside,

this is part of the physical mise-en-scene that will make your husband happy, just as your motorcycle makes you happy. Here's the other thing. I know that that thing that he buys is going to be fun to ride. And if you like a motorcycle, you're going to like riding this thing. I bet you this isn't part of the ruling and I can't make anyone like what they're not, what they're going to like or not. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll hate it just out of spite. But my guess is you get on that Cub Cadet, you're going to like or not. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll hate it just out of spite. But my guess is you get on that cub cadet.

You're going to be seeing grease lightning all the way to the neighbor's house. You are going to go over to those young neighbors that you hate so much. And you're going to sing grease lightning. And you guys are going to have a cub cadet race. Maybe it won't work out exactly that way. But in the meantime, I,

I think, I think your, I think your husband, Josh, has demonstrated a true desire for a thing. You have not demonstrated why it would cause any harm. He has demonstrated good taste in the previous tractor that he bought and that you made him give up. Cup holders or no, I find in favor of Josh. This is the sound of a gavel. of Josh. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules that is all.

Well, that is the end of that case. And Josh and Jimmy, thank you so much for joining us. Any final comments before you leave the courtroom? I do admit that it will be fun to drive. If she lets me get it. I'll abide by the ruling. That is the law. Jimmy, Josh, thank you for joining us. It has been just a ginormous joy. It's great. It's great, guys. You know what? It's going to be fine, Jimmy. Because here's the thing.

I'm just going to say one last thing. It's like, you know what? You give this guy his toy, right? He's going to be like Snoopy. He's going to be dancing. He's going to be dancing for joy all the time. You take this thing away from him,

you're like Lucy taking away the football from Charlie Brown. He's going to be walking around the neighborhood, head down like an eight-year-old talking about how clinically depressed he is, like a Charlie Brown walking around the neighborhood. He'll also be sitting on his doghouse pretending it's a tractor. Thanks for being good sports guys. Thank you so much.

This has been a lot of fun. Thank you. Judge John Hodgman? Oh, hey, hey, Scott, how are you? I'm sorry, I'm just trying to start up this automatic gin shaker. I should have gotten the one with the electric push start, you know what I mean? I understand. We have some things on the docket we'd like to clear up.

Would you like to do that now? What, are you using the royal we there, Scott? Would you like to do that now? What are you using the royal? You're using the royal we there, Scott? Would you like to do some of your job? Okay. Understood, guest bailiff. Ooh, pushy guest bailiff. All right. Well, Christopher writes, my wife, Christy, and I have a dispute regarding our cat hunter. I'm sorry, I'll read that again.

Have a dispute regarding our cat hunter. Our cat wears no clothing, so I say Hunter is naked or nude. Christy insists that Hunter has a permanent fur coat and is therefore neither naked nor nude, but appropriately clothed. She points to the existence of the naked mole rat in support of her claim. I think this talk of hairless animals being naked is so much metaphor and only obscures an evident truth. Clothing is an article, not something that naturally grows out of one's body. No clothing means nudity.

Could you please settle this matter once and for all time? Yeah. Yeah, unless you are knitting little sweaters and pantaloons for Hunter, what you have is a nude cat. Naked mole rat is an etymological anomaly that I think is not representative of how we use language. In this case, it is being used to describe a hairless mole rat, and naked is simply being used as emphasis to emphasize just how disgusting and horrible this thing is to behold, like most naked men.

Do you know what I mean? But I would say that a cat that has fur is no more clothed than a nude Frenchman at a nude beach. Because that guy's got a lot of fur, too. I would say if you can see a cat's nipples, that cat is naked. Yeah, well, that's an interesting, but, you know, seeing the nipples, you know, you can, you know, used to be a, you'd see a lot of men's nipples in 70s movies and stuff, but they were clothed. You know what I mean?

Well, I didn't want to say butthole or penis. Thank you for that. Your consideration, guest Bill Scott adds it is, uh, well, well, uh, well appreciated. No, your cat is naked, lady. Stop it. Next. guest bill if Scott adds it is well appreciated. No, your cat is naked, lady. Stop it. Next. Chris writes,

my wife and I can't agree on what to name our not yet born baby girl. And he's given us a list. Leah or Lay. How do you pronounce L-E-A-H it is leah not lei lei would have an I in there

L-E-I well that would be lee lei is something you either do or wear in Hawaii and if it's something you wear in Hawaii it is L-E-I but there is no human name that is Leigh that I'm aware of, and I cannot wait to get your letters.

Scarlet. That's actually pronounced Scare-let-ee. I apologize. Victoria. That's Victoria Knox. Evelyn. Evelyn Waugh. And Chenot.

How is that spelled? It's spelled Chenot. Oh, no, that's Renaud Le Carr. I would never, ever, ever presume to name someone's baby. Scott would do it in a second, but I'm holding him back. I would say the name Leigh is very pretty. It's not, and especially not for a girl, Scott, for obvious reasons.

Explain it. No. But because you provided a list of potential names, I am willing to give my opinion. And Scott, I would welcome your opinion. If you have truly narrowed it down to these five, Leia, Scarlet, Victoria, Evelyn, and Shannou, I think Shannou must be a family name. must be a family name. In which case I would say it would be pretty cool for a girl to have the name

Shen No, but I can't know whether there would be a nickname and it still sounds like kind of a drugstore perfume. So no. Leah is a lovely name. Scarlet,

that's too, that's too O'Hara. Victoria and Evelyn. Scott, what do you think? Leah, Victoria, or Evelyn? Well, I think if you want to go a unique route, you would combine two of the names and make it Scar-Lay. No Lay of any kind.

I don't know. Scar and lay scartoria scartoria well anything with scar in it i think is kind of dangerous of these i would say the one that speaks to me most that i would consider for my own daughter is evelyn just because that's not one you see very often these days and doesn't have the same fictional character baggage that Scarlet does. And Victoria is a queen. Chanoe is a drugstore perfume. And Leah is a lovely name that I've known. And I've known lots of lovely Leahs. And maybe that's a little bit why I lean towards Evelyn, because I've never known an Evelyn in my life. And the beauty of it is that if your daughter does decide to become a transgendered person or to change her gender altogether, then she can keep her name, Evelyn.

It's also a man's name. So, Everleigh it is. Thank you, Judge John Honchman. Write it in ink. Hey, Scott Adsit, it was a pleasure to have you be our guest bailiff as bailiff Jesse Thorne attended to some house-moving duties. Wow. He moved his house? He moved his whole house. It was his duty. With a tractor, I hope. I think he did, and with David Lynch filming him on an iPhone because he's come around on that.

A very special thanks to Aaron Fichtelberg for this week's case name. Thanks, Aaron. Thanks for joining us this week on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for

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