Judge John Hodgman - Maine's Holiday Boy

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

Happy New Year! The rollicking times continue as we kick off the year with a docket clearing. Scattergories, dishwashing drain gunk, listening to podcasts during dinner, our proprietary segment Cool Babies, and more!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me, as always, is Maine's holiday boy, Judge John Hodgman. We're off to outer space. We're leaving Mother Earth to say... You know this song, Jesse? No, I only know the... We're leaving Mother Earth... That one that Tracy Morgan sings on Saturday. Rocket. I'm taking a rocket. To save...

Oh, Tracy Morgan's funny. Jesse Thorne, what this is right now is the theme to Star Blazers, the American translation of the very famous 1970s Japanese anime space adventure, Space Battleship Yamato. You know, I promised. It's been a rollicking couple of weeks here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm broadcasting to you now live on tape, digital tape, from the solar-powered studios of WERU, 89.9 FM in Orland, Maine. Did you know that, that the studios are entirely solar-powered, Joel? Entirely. Entirely solar-powered. Electricity from the warmth of the sun. Yeah, in Maine. And, you know, we're getting sun up here in Maine up to four hours a day. So we're really getting – I think we have one Edison bulb running basically for illumination.

But it's been rollicking. I've made some promises. I promised that I would sing the Star Blazers theme. And then we ran out of time and I I said, I'll do it next time. And then I didn't. I don't know what happened. All I know was I was planning to open the show by singing the Star Blazers theme. It was going to be great.

It was going to be very rollicking. You know Star Blazers, Joel? No. All right. Well, you would have loved it. I'm sure. But it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen.

Why? Look, we've had a lot of listener engagement over the past couple weeks. It's been a delight. Reading your letters, your toddler questions, your Vicks VapoRub memories. Love it. But then Matthew had to write in. Listener Matthew. On the submission form page, Joel, taking me to court. My dispute is with none other than the Honorable Judge John Odgman himself. That is normally a cause for automatic deletion. Don't take me to my own court. That's not against the Constitution.

There's still some norms. Right. In the recent episode, Grocery Store Quilts, I was excited to get to hear John sing the theme to Star Blazers, of course. But after being teased several times, I was disappointed not only to not get to hear his rendition, but also that John taunted those of us looking forward to it with his closing words for the episode, putting it off. That's what's called a complaint. A complaint against this court because I didn't follow through the way he wanted it to. And I said, I will sing the Star Blazers song eventually, Matthew,

but I do not take requests and I am not bullied in my own court. So you're not going to hear it today. Go face all of the listeners over on Reddit who are mad now because they thought they were going to hear Star Blazers. You got in my craw, friend. You got right in my craw. You're still in there. I will sing the Star Blazers theme in a future episode,

a very exciting episode that we're planning called The Festival of the Bailiffs, a new winter time holiday, Jesse, and that's when you'll hear it. But if you, Matthew, if you send me a letter about Star Blazers, and you try to rush me into a thing again, what happens, Jesse? You get punished,

right? Yeah. I mean, you do the crime, you gotta do the time. Yeah. You gotta wait. I will thank Matthew, though, for sending me a YouTube link to the original Japanese language version of Space Battleship Yamato, which I've never seen, with subtitles. And I'm looking forward to watching that. Thank you, Matthew. I will not sing the theme in Japanese as you challenged me to do because that would be inappropriate. Jesse, it's a new year. Happy New Year.

Thank you. Happy New Year to you. Did you have a rollicking new year? I mean, it could only get better from here on out, right? That's right. Jennifer Marmer, happy new year to you. Happy New Year, Judge. Joel, did they tell you that it's a new year yet? No. Yeah, I'm here to tell you.

Thanks. Joel, did they tell you that it's a new year yet? No. Yeah. I'm here to tell you. Thanks. 2021. It can only be better.

And we're going to have a rollicking good time today, Jesse. We've got some justice to dispense. And we also have a lot more listener engagement. It's kind of a mailbag. Speaking of bags, one last thing before we get into it, Jesse. Obviously, we're recording this before 2021. I mean mean i'm presuming that the new year happens right in fact we're we're you know it's still the height of the end of 2020 holiday season and i walked into the studio here at w.e.r.u and by the flickering light of the single Edison bulb, I noticed a bag of cookies that Joel Mann gave to me.

Merry Christmas, Judge. Thank you very much. Joel, did you make these yourself? I did. I'm going to have to have one. They're sugar cookies, they're peanut butter cookies, and oatmeal cookies. Hmm, I have an allergy to cookies. Those are three of the top categories of cookies, Joel.

You really nailed it. Christmas cookies. Look at that. Oh, crispy? Sorry about this, people who have misophonia. Turn down your radio. I'll let you know when you can turn it up again. Mmm.

Mmm. let you know when you can turn it up again. Mmm. After peanut butter. Mmm. That's a great savory cookie, Joel. I'm glad you like it, Judge. You know what? I can barely taste the scallop.

That's just a hint. John, you should know that's a dog biscuit. Is it a dog biscuit? That's what savory cookies are otherwise called. Jesse, I want to ask you a question. You own dogs, right? You got dog biscuits in your house? Yeah, sure.

Of course. You ever eat one? Not since childhood. They look so good. I really want to eat one. I have vivid sense memories of wandering into my mother's pantry where there was a big red plastic trash can full of dog food for our dog, Sonoma. What? I never heard about this dog named Sonoma. Well, she went to live with my mom's dental hygienist.

All right. That's a story for another time. But I would absolutely would sneak into the pantry and sit there and pull pieces of dog food out of there and eat them. It's interesting. and eat them. It's interesting. I've eaten cat food when I was a youth on a dare with myself because I was an only child.

I dared myself to do it alone. It was just late at night and you were watching that guy who used to go on Letterman. Which guy do you mean? There was a guy who used to go on Letterman whose job it was to taste test pet food. And so they would invite him on and have him eat pet food on camera.

Never knew that. I never knew that. I never saw that. You would offer it to Dave. Dave would not want to eat it. Very funny. That's a good bit. But I never had a dog.

I still think, even though I don't, and you'll forgive me, Joel, I normally don't go for a cookie. I don't eat a lot of sweets. That was delicious, though. But even though I don't normally go for a cookie, when I see a dog biscuit, I want to eat it. I want to eat it. I also want to gnaw on a rod. Maybe that's why New Year's. Yeah.

There's a part of me that really wants to gnaw on a rod. What about one of those desiccated penises that they give to dogs? No. That's, weirdly, that hasn't. Those ones smell really bad. No. They really smell bad. Dogs love them, but they smell horrible.

Well, Mesa Phonics, you may now turn your radio back up. We've got justice to dispense. Wait, hold on. I have to tell you something. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Okay. My dog takes,

uh, pills for her heart. She has a heart condition, slightly enlarged heart. Yeah. She's got a big heart. I've heard about it. Yeah. She takes beef flavored pills. That sounds good. I call them her beefies. It's all just wanted to share. Well, we've got some, come over here, Coco. It's time for your beefies. It's all. Just wanted to share that. Well, we've got some. Come over here, Coco. It's time for your beefies. Look, the Jet Shen Hodgman podcast has drifted onto an obviously different planet.

Yeah. In which it's, you know, a very popular style of podcast, which is friends Talking, which is great. But there are still some listeners out there who have beefies with each other. Segue. Jennifer Marmer liked that one. Let's get to the, where's the beef, Jesse? Here's something from Reed. They say, I have a dispute that comes from an old game of scattergories. Under the category trees and the letter A, my friend wrote artificial. I argued her entry was invalid because an artificial tree is not a real tree.

She says it counts since it has tree right there in the name. As a judge of so many disputes about artificial trees, I seek your ruling on this scoring dispute. Oh, people are not going to like it when we go back to hearing regular cases. They're going to take me to court. They're going to be like, keep talking about beefies. We move on.

We change. We shift with the wind. That's how we survive. Yeah, shift with the availability of studio bookings. We shift with the winds of studio bookings we shift we shift with the winds of pandemic right now question jesse you know the game's categories yeah in this game i think uh you get a category and a letter and you have to write down as many things that fit the category and start with that letter as possible. Right. So like dog pills would be the category and their letter is B. Beefies would be perfect.

Yeah, you'd write beefies. Right. And then I guess also beefies plus. I don't know. That's where I got stuck. Trees. The category is trees and it's an A. You would write aspen.

That's a tree. That's all I got. Jennifer Marmer, you got a tree that begins with A? Ash. Oh, wow. Ash. Wow. Out of nowhere.

You win the game. That's incredible. Apple. Oh, Joe. Yeah. Oh, out of left field. Of course, apple tree. That's all I got.

Jesse, you got one? Aardvark. That would not be a winner. Starts with two A's. Well, true. Among the first words in the dictionary. Cannot wait to get the letters of trees that start with A. Listen, does artificial tree count? Jesse Thorne, what say you?

John, I think I'm going to put this one into the category of games and gaming, which is a category of, we have discussed this on the show before. I do not qualify in this category because all games make me feel bad. Oh, no. I'll tell you, I had a bad feeling once playing Scattergories in particular. Our good friend, Jean Gray, was doing a show in New York back when that happened, and invited me on the show to play a game of Scattergories with her on the show. And I had never played the game before. And, you know, in the category of Fs, Jean has none to give. So we were just sitting around having

has none to give. So we were just sitting around having fun, F for fun, being silly about it. And someone offstage started yelling at us, sidestage, very angry because we were insulting the game of Scattergories. This person takes the game very seriously, and he was very upset that we were messing around with it. And that person was comedian and actor David Cross, an A for avid Scattergory fan. And he was not joking in this case. A person of renowned humor was not joking around when he looked us in the eyes and said, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Scattergories is a noble game. You should play it correctly.

And you know what? I suddenly remembered I am ashamed of myself all the time. That's my superpower, like the Hulk. My secret cap is I'm always ashamed. So I decided I've got David Cross's email. Why don't I put it to him? He's the scategory judge. And Jesse Thorne, you know what he wrote back? What did he say? Artificial tree. Fair game. Wow. Quoting David Cross, it absolutely counts. The mistake here is the presupposition that what is required in the answer is supposed to be quote unquote real, which is itself open to interpretation. Pretty metaphysical. Nobody said anything about real.

If it was a description that was never used before, the person just tried to add a tree to it, then sure, like aardvark tree, I guess he means. But artificial trees are commonly known. They are described as such by the people who sell Christmas trees all over the English speaking world. Sorry. But artificial trees are commonly known. They are described as such by the people who sell Christmas trees all over the English speaking world. I can't, I'm not, apparently I'm not part of the English speaking world. Anyway, it counts, says David Cross. That one comes down with the hammer.

Read. David Cross starred in a wonderful film this year called The Dark Divide. I don't know that one. It was about, he was a lepidopterist. It's a butterfly scientist, right? That's in the category of butterfly scientists. Whose wife, played by Deborah Messing, passes away. And before she dies, she applies for a grant on his behalf, which he receives to travel through the forests of Oregon and look for rare butterflies and moths.

And he kind of goes mad and finds redemption in the forests of Oregon and occasionally maybe sees a Sasquatch. All this sounds exactly like the kind of movie I should be watching. Yeah. I mean, you should have heard about it in his conversation with me on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Oh, once again, I am a— Just a few months ago, an in-depth conversation that I recommend to all our listeners.

Once again, I am a creature of pure shame. Oh my goodness. I apologize, Jesse. Here we go. Let's take a quick break. More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience one you have no choice but to embrace because yes listening is mandatory the jv club with janet varney is available every thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts thank you and remember no running in the halls if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i

hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-p-d-c-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ugh! We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go.

Welcome back to the Judge john hodgman podcast we're clearing the docket this week and we've got something here from lorraine every evening my husband loads dishes in the dishwasher which is awesome i usually wake up earlier in the morning and find that our drain catcher in the sink is filled with what I referred to as grotesque drain salad. But when I mentioned this term to my husband, he becomes very scared. Saying naming things gives them power. Will you tell him that grotesque drain salad is appropriate? That is exactly what it is. Well, this one's obvious to me, John.

You let the drain salad wait until it turns 13 and then it chooses its own name. Just got to give it a milk name, they call it. This went in a very different direction. I mean, I presume that there was going to be a dispute about how to load the dishwasher. Which is the source of all domestic disputes. Just as all matter is composed of atoms, all domestic disputes are composed of disputes over how exactly you load the dishwasher. Yeah, there is a perfect way to do it. And it's different for every dishwasher

and if you would like to know the correct way to load your individual dishwasher send me a picture. Oh boy. And now I've done it Joel. Watch out. Send me a picture of your dishwasher. I'll reply to the first five people.

After that you're out of luck. And I'll tell you how to load it properly. I recently, John, bought a new dishwasher and I opened it up to load it for the first time. And I had an existential crisis. Oh no. Because I realized how much of my identity

had been wrapped up in an exact system for loading my previous dishwasher. It's a puzzle. It's a puzzle that is worth solving. And it's hard. It's basically like you completed a beautiful jigsaw puzzle, maybe one made by our friends at Liberty Puzzles. And you're very proud of figuring it out. And now you've taken it apart, put it in a box, put it away, and gotten a new one, and it's a whole new thing.

What kind of silverware caddy do you have in there? Do you put them in, like, up and down, or do you lie them down in a tray? It's an up-and-down caddy. Classic up- down, Kathy. And I put the business end down on the theory that it puts it closer to the jets. You're talking about the tip of the blade of a knife or the tines of a fork. Exactly. But I want to be clear that don't at me.

It's fine if you do it the other way. It's not a big deal. It's going to be clear that don't at me. Yes. It's fine if you do it the other way. It's not a big deal. Yeah. It's going to be okay. No, I'm the one who invited the pictures of dishwashers. I will take the heat. I will take all the heat for this one. I'm like Batman at the end of Dark Knight.

I'll take all the heat. Now, what are we calling this drain salad? Yeah. So there are two great things about Lorraine's husband. One is he loves the dishwasher, which is incredible. Good job. Two, he's got this incredible imagination, this fear that by giving the thing the name, it will have power over him. And the thing in question is the gross food detritus that is collected in the drain catcher. That shouldn't be there. That needs to be cleaned out. You can't just let that sit there. Even though it's scary

and slimy and disgusting and Lovecraftian in its awfulness, truly befitting the name grotesque drain salad, which is as gross as it sounds, it is up to you to depower it, Lorraine's husband, by tossing it in the bin. And until you do so, Lorraine's husband, I curse thee. I curse thee with the grotesque drain salad. Because what you don't know is that now that it is named, it is sentient. Or perhaps you do know that. But what you don't know is until you throw it away, if you leave it there after loading the dishwasher, it will slip out of its little cup on the bottom of your sink and slither into your bedroom and watch you as you sleep.

And it's going to want to get in your nose. Terrifying. And you'll wake up like, is it there? And you won't see it because it's gone. Because grotesque train solid, it's fast. A lot of people don't know that about it. It's fast like mercury. It's out.

So finish the job. Throw it away. Here's a dispute from Nicole. She writes, My husband and I are proud parents of an only child. Our boy is 10 years old and loves listening to age-appropriate podcasts. He's picked up the habit of listening to podcasts on earbuds while eating dinner or breakfast, something he's seen me do many times. My husband, Ted, feels this is inappropriate and that he should not have any distractions while eating.

I say it's fine if we're not all sitting down together for dinner like we do on the weekends. Ted is at his office all day while my son and I are at home together doing online schooling, homework, practicing piano, trying to stay sane and entertained. By the time Ted gets home, our quality time is all used up and we want to have our own space for a bit. I would like the judge to order a ruling that mealtime podcast listening is okay during our long slog of a week with the understanding that weekend dinners are sacred and without distraction. with the understanding that weekend dinners are sacred and without distraction. Sane and entertained.

Those are the two missions. Jesse Thorne, what are you guys doing for mealtime in your house? I mean, you got all of your kids are under 10. So, yeah. My children don't eat any adult food. Okay. And so for that reason, I would say we all have dinner together 40% of the time. That's a high percentage, I would say. Well, it's just because it's, you know, there are times when I am not up to cooking a nice dinner for Teresa and me at the same time that I'm cooking dinner for the kids.

And I don't always also want to eat dinner at 5 or 5.30. Right. I mean, I don't love eating dinner at 8.30 or 9 either, but those are my choices. But dinner would mean sitting around a table. That 40%, that would mean sitting at your table, everyone eating. No one's listening to podcasts. No. I mean, at most, we might have some music playing, some dinner music playing.

Yeah. You know, Sarah Vaughan or something. Not age-appropriate podcasts? Dr. Game Show is not playing while we're having dinner. I might try that tonight. You know, I feel, obviously I feel for Nicole. I feel for Ted, too. I don't feel for that only child, that 10-year-old only child.

I'm jealous of him. I want to be a 10-year-old only child. I'm jealous of him. I want to be a 10-year-old only child again. That's the life. Boy, oh boy. Just got to go, guys. I'm going to go read in my room for as long as I want. I know, right? Listening.

Listen, if you're a child, if you're listening, this child has not been named. So they have no power over me. They are depowered. So I can say if this is the age-appropriate podcast you're listening to, child, you don't know how – while you eat your – I don't know what – your beef wellington or whatever you made for yourself, precocious only child. You don't know how good it is. You don't know how good it is because someday you're going to have, maybe you'll have a family of your own who you love very much. Maybe you'll

have more than one child. A lot of different tastes to wrangle, a lot of different bodies to wrangle to get to the dinner table. Maybe you'll be in Maine, a place that you love very much. And you're with your family, but you're also with an older relative. And that older relative who you love very much makes dinnertime by necessity a more formal affair than it would be if you were just hanging out on a week on a tuesday night with your mom and dad you know what i mean more formal affair we're talking about great aunt agatha here i'm talking about governor janet mills of maine is living with me uh-huh not true sure she demands a state dinner every night it's not that's not true same Same with me and Dianne Feinstein. I know, right? Eighty seven years old.

I tell her here's what happens. I tell her we can't have a state dinner tonight, Dianne. I usually call her Senator Feinstein or Mayor Feinstein as a native San Franciscan. And she says, OK, OK, OK. But then her aides have to explain that to her over and over. She will not resign. That's some topical humor, okay. But then her aides have to explain that to her over and over, and she will not resign. That's some topical humor, John. I didn't know that you're pushing the envelope there from the National Public Radio perspective.

No, I'm just talking about a New York Times article I read. We may need to put this behind the paywall. Joel. Yes, Judge. Who's in your household? You and your wife, right? Yes, Judge. Who's in your household? You and your wife, right? Yeah, my kid's gone. She's in Paris.

Fantastic. Yeah. So of an evening, dinner time is what? I usually cook. Yeah. And we sit at the bar and watch TV, the news, and eat. Oh, my God. I'm so jealous of you.

I don't want to. TV, the news. I love to cook, Nicole and Ted's child. I love it. And, Ted, I understand why you want to have time with your family and that you want to protect, to a certain degree, the sanctity of the dinner table as being a traditional point of human communion. But boy, would I not give for just a dinner where it's like, everybody make your own soup and I'm going to listen to this podcast. You got to have a balanced diet. Everybody make your own soup.

Oh, I'm thinking maybe that's dinner tonight. I'm going to my, you know, my every now and then pilgrimage to stock up at the grocery store. And I truly was thinking like, can I just get canned soup and make everyone make your own soup night? Problem is we don't have enough burners.

We don't have enough burners. You ever go to one of those MYOS restaurants? Make your own soup? Yeah. I think you just came up with an incredible franchise chain restaurant concept. There is a

canage fee. A litage fee? It's just a series of hot plates. Yeah. It's like a Korean barbecue but with hot plates in the middle of the table. And that one guy from last week eating cold, chunky soup out of a can in a booth. I don't know why we put him in a booth.

Yeah. Go sit in the Vichyssoise booth if you want to eat cold soup. Anyway. John, I eat my Vichyssoise warm. You know, look, Ted, you eat your Vichyssoise booth if you want to eat cold soup. Anyway. John, I eat my Vichyssoise warm. You know, look, Ted, you eat your Vichyssoise warm? Wait a minute, I was about to go on. But what? I do, yeah. Room temp or warmed up?

Warmed up with stuff in it. You're making your own soup? Yeah. What stuff are you adding? Sometimes I'll add some crumbled bacon or last time I added some blue cheese. That was nice. Sometimes I'll add some nice olive oil on top or some of those fried

onion pieces. That's nice. Look, we're all trying. That's fantastic. We're all trying to say sane and entertained. And if that means you've got to sort of reach the traditional social contract from time to time and warm up your vichyssoise, not just warm up but doctor it up, go for it. If that means you need to just sort of like, I mean, Ted, I get you. You're at the office all day. You want to be with your family, but Nicole and your child, they're all burned out by the time it's dinner time.

Dinner can be very casual on a weeknight, and sometimes it needs to be. You can't force your son to make beef wellington every night and sit down at a white tablecloth table. Yeah, that's more of a Dan McCoy thing. Yeah. The flop has. But I'll say this.

I'm a very fine podcast. But I'll say this. I don't like the idea. And maybe I'm just saying this out of spite because I'm jealous of this kid. I don't like this kid eating dinner with his headphones in. Don't care for it. I think that there's something almost too antisocial about wearing headphones at dinner. Sitting at the bar watching TV, at least you and your wife are side by side, right, Joel?

That's right. Yeah. You make a little comment to each other? Yeah. You say, how about that Mark Shields? Yeah. You make a little comment to each other? Yeah. You say, how about that Mark Shields? Yeah. You say. Did you see on the news that Governor Janet Mills is living with John Hodgman?

Yeah. And his family? I appreciate, Nicole, that you have modeled this behavior to your son of listening to podcasts while eating. But I don't think that it's a good behavior to model. I'm sorry. I'm twisting this around. I'm going back the other way. I think if your son wants to have a book or a comic book,

if you guys want to watch a movie together, if you want to be someone's at the table, someone's over there, that's fine. But I think you kind of want to be in earshot, unless he's going to go into his room once a week just to eat dinner and listen to an age-appropriate podcast. But then you're setting up a dangerous precedent because he's not going to be 10 forever. Eventually, he'll be 13, 14, and you know what he'll be doing in his room all by himself, listening to age-inappropriate podcasts. I would say lunch, breakfast, earbuds, fine. Dinner, Ted's home, take them out. Don't all have to be together informal. And as I say,

I have a comic book. Play a game. Play a game of Monopoly Deal during dinner. Keep it light. Keep it easy. Everyone make their own soup. Asynchronous dining is fine. But I think, like, you wouldn't want your son wearing a virtual reality headset while eating his chunky soup, right? I think their headphones in is a little too antisocial. Ted wants to be heard by you guys. So there. So there. Now I'm thinking about all the different things my chunky soup could become if I were wearing a virtual reality headset while I ate it.

You could be eating chunky soup, but in virtual reality, you're eating something good. Yeah. I'm not a fan. Look, maybe it's better than it was the last time I had it. But on principle, I'm against Chunky Soup because of the name Chunky Soup. Does not appeal. I do like all those television commercials where a football player's mom tells him to eat it. And it's his real mom.

I mean, it's cute. It's cute. Look, it's a storied brand at this point. Probably the most famous. What would you say is the most famous flavor of Chunky Soup? Wow. I mean, my initial instinct is to say Minestrone. Yeah.

No, it's actually – it's interesting. That is the most famous. I asked the wrong question. Do you know what the most popular brand of chunky soup is? I don't. Well, it's grotesque drain salad. Really? Yeah.

Chunky's grotesque drain salad. Just sales-wise. Just by sheer sales. Yeah. Just by sales. Can't keep them in stock. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, our hit proprietary podcast segment, Cool Babies.. Plus more about the child who ate Vic's VapoRub with his Thanksgiving meal. by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org.

And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

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A lot of listener engagement this week, and it was lovely to hear from everybody. Jesse, as you know, a week or so ago, we introduced a brand new segment of what used to be a judge show and is now this. And that segment is called Cool Babies. That is our intellectual property. The McElroy brothers don't get to use it. And the Cool Babies segment consisted of reports from parents about what their toddlers said. Profound and unsettling questions posed to those parents by their children in the spirit of is butt leg, like real stumpers. I received a lot of great letters. They were all terrific letters. Some of them confused

stumpers with cute things or funny things, but I loved all the funny things. I'm sorry that I couldn't read all of them on the air. There were just too many and it was very fast. It was very flattering and exciting that you were all out there listening. And it's nice to make the connection with you during these times of disconnection. But I do think that we covered all of the profound questions. And instead, I'd like to pivot to a couple of letters that I got since the last episode aired. They do not contain profound questions, but rather ominous statements. In a new segment, we call creepy cool babies.

May I share a couple of these with you, Jesse? May you. I insist you do. So Glenn wrote in to say quote, my two-year-old asked me yesterday you scared? And I asked her why and she said, storm's coming. And I asked her why, and she said, storm's coming. According to Glenn, she tells him storm's coming probably five times a week. John, do you think Glenn's two-year-old is Joel?

Joel. She's a budding meteorologist. Joel, say storm's coming. Storm's coming. That one goes out to Glenn's daughter. And I don't think that unless Glenn's daughter is a big follower of the QAnon theory. The storm is a big metaphor in there. I hope not. But I'll tell you, by the way, that Glenn – I normally like to keep listeners – I don't know what their privacy level is. But Glenn, I know.

Well, this is the comedian and storyteller Glenn Tickle who's got an – Oh, yeah. Yeah. Glenn Tickle is an incredibly funny, smart friend of the show, really great performer. He's got a great comedy special called Good Grief, a comedy about Lawson being bad at it. He's one of the loveliest people. I mean, look, the best thing about Glenn Tickle is his comedy, his parenting. There are about seven other best things.

Probably the ninth best thing about Glenn Tickle is that he briefly worked as a substitute teacher and was addressed in class as Mr. Tickle. That's, I mean, if you had a substitute teacher and your name was Mr. Tickle. Can I tell you something about Glenn Tickle? Yeah, please. And he, as a bonus track, having been challenged by my Jordan Jesse Go co-host and myself to do so, got his entire audience to say that your slogan for Jordan Jesse Go, which was get him, get him, get him. Then he called in live while he was doing this to our listener hotline, Momentous Occasions, and recorded the audience saying, get him, get him, get him. And he said that, you know, that was the end of that. And he hung up.

He didn't explain. We couldn't tell that they were saying, get him, get him, get him. It sort of runs together when an entire audience in a comedy club is saying that. Sure. So we thought that they had said, Garaba. Really? Yeah, we thought they had said garaba really yeah we thought they had said garaba but we didn't know what garaba meant until jordan realized uh that it's an acronym reminding you what to do in an emergency situation g get help a assess the situation r read up on it a assess the situation R read up on it

A assess the situation again B be kind to yourself and finally A abstinence I have enjoyed Karaba and laughed at that joke

for years and I never knew that Glenn Tickle was the source of that joke. Yeah. Thank you, Glenn. Thank you, Glenn's two-year-old. Please keep us safe from the storm. I'm scared. I am scared. We also heard from Sarah, who has a three-and-a-half-year-old child named Leander, which is one of the – that's up there with Thaddeus Diamond as one of the best names.

The question is, Mommy, do you wish Izzy was a real boy? And for context, Izzy is Leander's baby brother. Well, I mean, it's sort of Sarah's fault for giving birth to a Pinocchio. That's right. And finally, we have one from Josh who says, This isn't grammatically speaking a question, but the spirit of it is close enough. One time during dinner, I excused myself from the table to use the bathroom. My then four-year-old son beamed, OK, Daddy.

And then he leaned close to my ear and whispered, and when you come back, we can talk about blood. i uh my my youngest uh frankie was ill the other day and um had some emetic issues and so i bought some gatorade at the store some red gatorade at the store and i served it to the kids with dinner in the interest of replenishing their electrolytes. Sure. Of course. And there are a little light in the electrolyte department. Yeah. And Frankie said to me, he says, daddy, this is bud. And I said, and I said, no, sweetie, it's just Gatorade. It's a drink. It's like a soda with no bubbles in it. And he says, I think it's bud.

I'm going to dink it. Speaking of drinking blood, Jesse, I know that it's a topic that is not close to your heart. Don't care for it. I mean, I expelled my own son from my home for potentially being a Dracula. You disowned Frankie? Yeah. He's now a wandering creature of men? It's not even confirmed that Frankie is a Dracula.

He showed the willingness to drink, or as he would say, dink bud. Yeah. And when offered, it was like would say, dink bud. Yeah. And when offered, it was like, yeah, it's fine. It's not fine, kids. It's not. Two things I want you to take away from this podcast. Do not eat fixed vapor rub. Do not do it.

Nope. And do not drink blood or seem open to it. Or at the very least, if you're going to drink blood, also have a glass of water. A body needs two things. It's science. One of the creepy questions that was asked by a child was, do Draculas poop? And we had said probably not because they're just drinking blood. But I heard from a registered dietician and nutritionist named Katie, and she wrote that she spends a lot of time talking about poop. And while she hasn't consulted a Dracula on it, she can say that as they are on a fully liquid diet containing no natural or added fiber,

it's quite likely that Draculas actually do poop a lot because fully liquid diets tend to run right through you. And she says, quote, I'm thinking that a Dracula on an all-blood diet, just like a human on a liquid diet without fiber, will poo more frequently than your average human or other mortal on a diet that contains solid stuff and fiber in it, since those things slow down intestinal transit time. Gross. ITT. Dracula's pooping.

Don't like it. You know who has a lot of fiber in their diets, though? Who's that? Frankenstein's. Really? Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. Who eat bran muffins?

Yep. Yep. Yeah. I love them. A lot of whole grains. Frankenstein's. I love them. A lot of whole grains. Frankenstein's love – Frankenstein's love bran muffins. Frankenstein's love millet.

Frankenstein's love ancient grains in particular. So that's it for our proprietary podcast segment called Creepy Cool Babies. You don't have to send in any more creepy stuff from kids. Don't feel Oh boy. You definitely should. This is the best segment we've ever had on the show. This is awesome. Remember, it can be cute and creepy, but if it's just

cute, enjoy your baby. But that's it for the segment. Unless there's something else. We have a very spooky update, which is, you may remember that this segment really grew out of a child asking his father, Daddy, do you know the Harvester of Souls? Now, we Googled Harvester of Souls, and it turns out that this was a Spirit Halloween store branded Halloween animatronic creature that was horrifying. Far too horrifying for any child to be familiar with. It was too horrifying for me to see. Very, very scary.

like a a tall creepy grim reaper figure holding a a robot child and raising it up and sucking its life force fog from its mouth in a very terrifying way yeah and we found this terrifying device on the wiki for the spirit halloween store. Spirit Halloween store, a chain of seasonal costume shops that go into defunct Woolworths across this nation. It's a pop-up shop, right? Every September 1st. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess you could call it a pop-up shop. It certainly predates the term pop-up shop.

Right, right, right. I mean, it's not like it's some kind of like exclusive, fancy sneaker boutique. No, this isn't. These aren't artisanal harvesters of souls. No, it's a bunch of Halloween junk that sneaks into an old storefront in an abandoned mall around Halloween time, sells that junk, and then gets out of town. Yeah.

So we got a letter about that from a listener named Aiden, specifically about the wiki. My name is Aiden, and I'm a 16-year-old student residing just outside Philadelphia. I wanted to thank you for featuring the Spirit Halloween wiki on your podcast, as I happen

to be a co-owner of said wiki. What? I also happen to be the author of the Harvester of Souls article, as well as the proud owner of a Harvester of Souls. So I was pretty stunned to hear my writings being talked about. So Aiden, wait a minute, Aiden is the, is a creator of this wiki. He wrote the article and he has a harvester of souls and he's 16. Correct, correct and correct.

And he's 16 years old. 16 years old. I presume that he is the, the only one who is writing. mean it's like who else would care this is a real doogie hauser situation uh the wiki is a major project that i and over 50 consistent editors are incredibly proud of and it has become a seminal part of the spirit Halloween fan community. What is happening? 50 editors? And why is there- Last year, we peaked at 220,000 viewers a week in August, and we expect to blow that

number out of the water in this upcoming season. I'm interested to hear that the peak is in August, when people are just working themselves into that Halloween lather. Yeah. Thank you so much again for talking about it. peak is in August when people are just working themselves into that Halloween lather. Thank you so much again for talking about it. We really take pride in our work. Aidan, that's incredible that you heard that and you wrote into us. Thank you. Now, I know that you and your 50 co-editors created the Spirit Halloween store wiki.

I regret to tell you that I have written on a piece of paper and mailed to myself the intellectual property, which is horror movie based on Spirit Halloween store wiki. That's my idea now. Sorry. Writers Guild of America, WGA, copyright. Nothing you can do. based on Spirit Halloween Store wiki. That's my idea now. Sorry. Writers Guild of America WGA copyright. Nothing you can do. Sorry, McElroys. Sorry, nothing you can do.

I'm definitely going to pitch a... I don't know what the horror movie is going to be, but it's going to involve a haunted wiki. Scary wiki. Maybe we'll call it that. Well, we should make the theme music Haunted House of Rock by Houdini, which prominently features... Wiki, wiki, wiki. There we go.

Jesse Thorne, your co-creator on this. Aidan, I'm sorry that we're going to freeze you out of this incredible IP, but you have created something amazing. I would love to interview you at some time, learn more about what's going on over there. I do want to note, Jesse, that I checked it out. As of this afternoon, I did not do this. One of the 50 editors, maybe Aiden themself, has added, I'm very proud to say, added our discussing the Harvester of Souls into the Harvester of Souls trivia section on the page. Just below the piece of trivia that says, the arms with girl slipped down after numerous activations.

Not really trivia, more of a service request. Yeah. I'm glad to be there. Thank you, Aidan. I'm glad you made this thing. Please stay in touch. Keep me updated. Let me know how I can edit this thing

because I really feel like we should be mentioned above the arms slipping down. We should be at the top of the trivia list. Finally, Jesse, the letters keep pouring in at a much higher rate than I would have ever expected about people eating Vicks VapoRub. Yeah. Which is to say any rate. Yeah. If you don't remember, my mom had told me once that my grandmother, her mother, would feed her Vicks VapoRub by the spoonful as a cold cure. My mother is no longer living. Her passing was not Vicks VapoRub related, I'm glad to say. However, she's lucky to have lived as long as she did, given she was eating Vicks VapoRub, which is poisonous. Don't do it. But lots and

lots of people had memories of their grandparents or uncles or whatever, either telling stories of themselves eating Vicks VapoRub or their own parents eating it. It's very, very common apparently. And one letter we got about someone who did not eat Vicks VapoRub as a cold cure, but just for the pure pleasure of eating it. You will recall listener Matthew had a friend who ate it as a child as a dinner side dish. Matthew's friend said eating Vicks VapoRub was like, quote, eating pure light. Matthew's friend is still alive. I don't know how that happened. And per our instructions, Matthew went to his friend and got the photograph he referred to of his friend eating Vicks VapoRub as a child at the Thanksgiving dinner.

Jesse, if you will scroll down, you will see a very authentic looking photo. I have to believe this is real. I mean, this couldn't possibly be a computer-generated hairstyle. No. Matthew's friend as a child in around 1972, he's got a clean Thanksgiving Day plate and a jar of Vicks VapoRub on the plate as though it were a little side dish. little side dish. Now, the friend, we'll post this obviously on the show page at MaximumFun.org as well as

our Instagram account at Judge John Hodgman. Matthew's friend would like to remain anonymous, but he did okay the inclusion of a photo of his cat Marilyn. Jesse Thorne, would you scroll down to look at Marilyn the cat? Brr! Look at this!

Look at this cat! While Jesse laughs, I'd just like to thank everyone who wrote in with stories of Vicks VapoRub. Starting with John, Fattiest Diamond, Rebecca, Matthew, Trish, Michael S, Jillian L., Greg C., Sarah I., Cindy L., someone with the name of Bam Bamerson. That's incredible. Damian F., Chris Ortiz. It's like if Jabba the Hutt was a cat. It'll be on the thing. I've got some more people to thank for the Vicks Brigade here. Kelly Leffler, not the senator, I don't think. thank for the vix brigade here kelly leffler not the senator i don't think ethan s taney or tanny jamie matthew marlo and camille it's just like lean i mean it's a it's a husky cat yeah but

which by which i mean it's a cat husky hybrid and it's leaning back it's leaning back with its arm on a stair like, yeah, what's up? And it's got its legs open. And it's maybe wearing a necklace. Like a surfer necklace. It's a little hard to tell. The necklace, it seems to have letters on it. It says Garaba. Oh, so it's just for a reminder for what to do in emergencies.

The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Our engineer here in Maine is Joel Mann, Program and Operations Manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine. You can listen to WERU

at WERU.org and you can follow Joel on Instagram. His handle is TheMainMan, M-A-I-N-E-M-A-N-N. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman, where that picture of that cat will almost certainly be located. This is not, I don't usually don't, the cats are less funny to me than dogs because they just are classier.

Yeah. But whereas dogs are always doing dumb stuff, you know? They're dumb idiots. Right. That's what's so great about them. But that was a really premium cat picture. Blah, blah, blah. Instagram.

John is also at John Hodgman and I am at put.this.on. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. And you can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, where there is always a friendly conversation about the latest Judge John Hodgman episode. where there is always a friendly conversation about the latest Judge John Hodgman episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.