Judge John Hodgman - Martial Law

Episode Date: January 1, 2014

Rodrigo brings the case against his friend and jiu jitsu classmate Matthew. Rodrigo claims Matthew has avoided taking the "No-Gi" classes at their Jiu Jitsu studio and needs to start challenging himself in his practice. Matthew says he's tried the classes but can't spend all his free time practicing. Is Matthew wimping out? Only one man can decide.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, martial law. Rodrigo brings the case against his friend and jiu-jitsu classmate, Matthew. Rodrigo claims Matthew has avoided taking the no-gi classes at their jiu-jitsu studio and needs to start challenging himself in his practice. Matthew says he's tried the classes but can't spend all his free time practicing. Is Matthew wimping out? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. You swing to your left, then you swing to your right. This new dance, people, it's pure dynamite. Every step is poetry in motion. Let the rhythm take your devotion. So when you feel like

you want to fight people, listen to me. Don't get uptight. This is all. This is all you do. Bailiff Jesse, swear I'm in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? You may be seated, Rodrigo and Matthew, for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I paraphrased as I entered the courtroom, and I will allow that barking dog in the back room to vote as well? Rodrigo. No, I have no idea. Is it Vision Quest? Is it Vision Quest? Is it Vision Quest? Matthew jumping in for the steal. No. I could not complete the quote, which is a lyric to a song, without revealing the name of the song.

This is all you do. Dance the Kung Fu. And of course, you are familiar with Dance the Kung Fu. No? Oh, it's my favorite song. No. No, right. But I couldn't come out and just read the lyrics from Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas,

because you would know it, right? Correct. Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting. Those Douglas, because you would know it, right? Correct. Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting. Those cats were fast as lightning, right? I couldn't say that. But what I didn't know until I... Right, we would have got that one. You would have gotten that one, or you would not have, Matthew? I think I would have got that one.

Yeah, I can't allow that to happen. So instead, it turns out that Carl Douglas, after he enjoyed his one number one hit in 1974, the novelty disco track Kung Fu Fighting, he attempted to recapture the magic by releasing another song about Kung Fu called Dance the Kung Fu. And he released that in the same year, about five months later. And this song is not as good a song. It peaked at number 35. And Carl Douglas is now 71 years old. But Jesse Thorne, have you ever had a number one hit, Jesse? No, sir.

No. How about either of you guys? I don't think so. Did you ever have a number one hit on the dance pop charts or just the Billboard Top 100? No, I think I was like number four, sir. Yeah, right. And that was in the Kung Fu Only novelty song charts. That was during a brief period when billboard had a special chart for

glibness. Right? No. So let's not, let us, let us, uh, let us praise Carl Douglas and, uh, and hope that he is happy and healthy and I hope he's a listener and a maximum fun member. And perhaps even he would like to buy a Ragnarok survival kit, which he can do by going to bit. to buy a Ragnarok survival kit, which he can do by going to bit.ly slash survive Ragnarok. So Rodrigo, you contend that Matthew is not hardcore enough in his

jujitsu. Tell me why. Well, we've probably been doing jujitsu around the same amount of time at the same gym for about two years now. And he regularly goes to the Gi classes, but in those two years, he has probably gone to one no-Gi class. Okay, and just for the benefit of our listeners, a no-Gi jiu-jitsu class is a nude jiu-jitsu class. Is that correct? It's pretty much where you just wear shorts and just like a rash guard, like an Under Armor tight shirt, compression shirt.

And gi is where you have the actual karate-style kimono that you see with the belt attached. Your classic karate man uniform. Yes. And what is the difference between a gi class and a no-gi class? Is it just the outfit that you're wearing? No, it's actually the speed's a lot different. No gi match is a lot faster just because you don't have anything to grab onto and slow the person down. And also the submissions you can do in a gi class are different than the ones you can do in a no gi class because you can choke someone with the fabric, whereas whereas nogi you can't do any of that

what what wait a minute let let me back up for a second here you can choke someone with the fabric yes what gym are you going what gym are you going to hunger games gym all right maybe i need to understand what jiu-jitsu is. Now, I understand what kung fu is because of... I just know that those cats are fast as lightning. What is the difference between kung fu and jiu-jitsu? What is jiu-jitsu? It's sort of...

The best way to explain it, I guess, is sort of like wrestling, except with submissions. So there's no striking. Everything else except striking. So it's just grappling and getting the other person to submit to a form that you have chosen. Yes. And correct me if I'm wrong, but the sport of mixed martial arts or ultimate fighting seems to have determined over the years that it is perhaps the most effective real-world fighting technique. I would agree with that.

Oh, so mixed martial arts is real-world fighting? Well, mixed martial arts is the closest sort of observed thing to real-world fighting, and the only sport where various martial arts battle against each other and mixes thereof. And one of the things that has come up over the 15 or so years that mixed martial arts has been a major thing is that jujitsu pretty much always wins. Now, of course, people have added things to jujitsu, but jujitsu is like the one that works. Just get people on the ground and choke them. So the mixed martial arts ring or is the octagon, like I know because mixed martial arts is the generic term.

That other thing you said, the ultimate fighting. No, that's a trademarked promotion, I believe. Oh, forgive me. And I, by no means did I mean to, by no means did I mean to buzz market something that genuinely terrifies me. And, and mixed martial arts is the generic term. Now, does mixed martial arts, Rodrigo, since I'm, since you're the hardcore jujitsu dude, does mixed martial arts take place in an octagon? It depends on who's holding the fight, but usually it does.

Okay. And so this octagon or this non-specific fight shape has become the crucible by which all kinds of fighting styles have fought for dominance and jiu-jitsu. We've learned now through fighting science is number one fight? Well, it's the number one grappling fight because there's punching as well in mixed martial arts. And you can't punch in jiu-jitsu. Correct. So is what Jesse was saying, was that right or wrong? Just so I understand. What is the advantage that jiu-jitsu has in a mixed martial arts setting that has increased its profile so highly in Jesse Thorne's mind, of all people? A lot of times when a match goes to the ground, the techniques that they're using are from jiu-jitsu.

Right. That's when the two guys, instead of standing up and fighting, lie down on the ground and hug one another to death? Yes. By hug one another to death, Judge Hodgman, you mean choke each other with the fabric, right? It's like ballet. Do you know what I mean? It's like it's a beautiful art form. It's not fighting. It's two guys trying to choke each other by punching each other in the throat until one of them hurts. It's like, it's an art. Yeah. Yeah. The sweet science. All right. So jujitsu,

is there a lot of ground game in jujitsu? Do you go down to the ground a lot in jujitsu? Yeah, like 90% of the match is done on the ground. Okay. Unless two people are really good at going for takedowns, which I'm not. I think I submitted a couple clips where I'm usually on the ground within the first five seconds. I'm going to take a look at this now. Here is a video of me, Rodrigo, to show what no-gi is.

I actually get wrongfully disqualified in the clip, but it was the highest quality video I have. You know what? I'll be the judge of whether you were wrongfully disqualified. Take a look. These would be on the blog, obviously. Whoa, okay. Now you're hugging this man.

Which one are you, blue shirt or blue and white shirt? All blue. You're all blue. So the first thing you do is you've jumped into this man's arms and wrapped your legs around him as though you were my child greeting me at the door.

And now you have wrapped your hands around his neck and you're pulling his head down hard into his own chest like you are my child greeting me at the door. All right, let's see what else you do like my child. He's pushing you away. And this has now become extremely awkward and uncomfortably long.

Now you're reaching around his leg. Now you're on the ground. Now your back is on the ground here, Rodrigo. now your back is on the ground here, Rodrigo. Now, when, and this just keeps going on where you guys just grab and paw at each other for a long period of time. And this is a sport, I would not say, like this is a sport more for you two, right?

Not really for the spectator. I mean, I'm sure the connoisseur would enjoy seeing the various grapplings you're doing, but then, okay, now you've been disqualified. I'm sure the connoisseur would enjoy seeing the various grapplings you're doing, but then, okay, now you've been disqualified. I'm sure the connoisseur would be pleased to see the particular moves that you're doing and would understand it. But as a spectator, it's a sport for the initiated. It's not like watching beautiful horses jump over beautiful hedges or whatever, right? If I brought in a friend that wasn't interested in jiu-jitsu, they'd probably hate me for bringing them to a competition.

Right, because it looks very awkward and uncomfortable. And frankly, because a lot of people don't enjoy being choked by the fabric. Okay, so this is no gi. So you guys are wearing rash guards and shorts. And tell me how you were unfairly disqualified. It is a very high quality video though. So I give you credit for that since this is a podcast, that's very important. But so how are you, how are you, how are you unfairly disqualified? Uh, the move I was going for, um, it's supposed to put shoulder, uh, pressure on the shoulder.

Um, but the ref, uh, thought that I was putting pressure on the bicep, which is illegal for someone at my level. It's illegal for someone at your level. It's too advanced to move for you. Yes, I know. Apparently I'm not good enough to do that move. Now you get up and you are mad in this video. You want to punch a guy, but you can't because it's jiu-jitsu, no striking.

Yeah, man. You really got to a guy, but you can't because it's jujitsu, no striking. Yeah, man. You really got to learn jujitsu better. I put pressure on my biceps all the time. Just lifting a glass puts pressure on my biceps. That's how badass I am. Folks, folks, this is like the Avengers. After you see the final fight, you got to stick around for the after credit sequence

where Rodrigo argues with the ref and storms off angry. see the the final fight you got to stick around for the after credit sequence where rodrigo argues with the ref storms off angry wow all right angry and deadly his indignation is his weapon um rodrigo uh you're tough dude, and you did a good job. That's pretty hardcore. Matthew, how come you don't want to fight while wearing a rash guard and shorts? How come you want to wear a karate guy uniform, like a cool karate guy,

and you don't want to look like two surfers who got into a beef? Well, the thing, if you can probably tell from the video um rodrigo's like i've more athletic build i'm not sure if you submitted the picture of uh of both of us so when i started doing jujitsu um i was a lot uh i had a lot less strength than i do now so the gi is more of like a um it um kind of something that you can use to like even the playing field with people who just try and use like all strength so like in no gi classes

i always like used to prefer doing the gi classes because um you can use like the fabric to like make like loops and you can do like different styles of um of a guard which can like you know prevent the person from like trying to smash you the whole time. Because if the person's a lot stronger than you and they're doing no-gi, it's a lot harder to hold them in place or to prevent them from out-muscling you. Especially at lower levels. Right. It's a combination of fighting and not tying. Right, exactly. And I'm pretty good at the not tying so well rodrigo did send in the photo of you guys together and i can't tell it's just a bunch of

young men who are who are hitting each other with belts is this part of your sport it happens about once every like six months when there's promotions. So when people are given new belts, whoever gets a new belt has to run through the, it's called the gauntlet. And so everyone sets up to either side and they have to run and they get smacked with the belt. It's completely optional. Let me ask you guys a question. As someone who is no longer one and never was the other, what is it like to be young and a man hitting each other we can ask matt oh some trash talk matt from you jujitsu pal all right i'm now using the facial recognition software that is embedded in this totally generic non-name brand social networking

site, I can determine that Matthew is the fellow on the right who is getting ready to hit his friend with a belt. And Matthew, this is the image that you are not physically fit enough to to to engage in nogi style jiu-jitsu is that correct well the thing is um since i've probably put on like 15 pounds of muscle since i first started doing jiu-jitsu so i probably was a lot skinnier when i first started now let me ask you a question. Are you doping? Are you doping? No, I was just really skinny. Did you have that accent before you started doping to put on muscle?

Where are you from? Yes. Where are you from? England, Birmingham, England. Birmingham, England. And Rodrigo, where are you from originally? I am from Lemonster, Massachusetts. Lemonster, Massachusetts, Lemonster, Massachusetts, the ancient rivals of my father's hometown of Fitchburg,

Massachusetts. Who won on Turkey day? Lemonster. I'm going to, I you're probably right. The blue devils. I think they, I don't ever remember a time when Fitchburg won.

Don't yell at me. Fitchburg, you know, I don't care about this stuff. Well, good for you. And where is this gym? It's on Newberry Street in Boston. Whoa. All right. So this is a Bostonian jiu-jitsu gym. Yes.

And how old are you guys? I am 24. I'm 25. Matthew, what brings you to our fair shores? I've been here for like four years just for work. I work as a web developer. All right. And are you a legal resident or am I going to get you deported with this podcast? No, I'm a legal resident. All right. And you guys met through this gym, is that correct? Or were you pals from before?

We met through the gym. All right. Now, Rodrigo, why is it any of your business what Matthew wants to do in his jiu-jitsu career? Because I care about him. And I feel like this, like not doing nogi is hurting his game. For instance, there is only a limited set of moves that Matthew does. Because he feels really comfortable with them. I look forward to hearing the names of the moves and the descriptions, at least of a couple of them.

Okay. One of them is called an Ezekiel. okay uh one of them is called an ezekiel and one is called i think it's just called or he calls it the sneak i'm not sure if or i don't know if that's where you get in there and pull down them trousers it's actually called baseball choke it's well wait it's called baseball choke. Yeah. But you call it the sneak? Yeah. It's called baseball choke. What happens in the baseball choke? Yeah.

It takes one of the traditional choke holds in baseball and adapts it to the jiu-jitsu. Is the baseball choke where it's the bottom of the ninth with two outs and you strike out? That's pretty much what happens. Is that the joke where it's the bottom of the ninth of two outs and you strike out? That's pretty much what happens. Usually I'll be in a bad position, and then I can use that choke from pretty much a lot of different positions, and then it'll take the person off guard, and then usually I can tap out the opponent with that submission. That's why it's called the sneak.

It's not very sneaky when it's the only move he does. How many times have you two fought each other or grappled say fight or do you say grapple or what do you say lie on the floor and say fight I usually just say usually roll it's called rolling yeah how many times you guys rolled uh probably about four times a week oh okay and and do you do you count do you count victories

and losses or is it just uh practice and sparring i can't count that high your honor oh are you are you hijacking my podcast just to trash talk your friend? Is that what's going on here? No, it is not. Matthew, would you concur with Rodrigo that he is a substantially better jujitsu-er than you? Yes, I would agree. I would agree with that vote. I would say that he also probably goes to the gym double the amount of time that I go. And before we go any further, I obviously can't see you guys.

Does he have you in a baseball choke right now? Do you need help? No. Do you need me to send someone over? Okay. He doesn't know how to use the baseball choke. Oh, boy, boy. More trash talk.

Very exciting here. I feel like I'm at an American sports bar. All right. Hey, can I tell you something funny? I think it's funny anyway. When I was in Boston, I'm from Brookline, and I haven't been to Boston late at night in many a year. And after a show that I performed at the lovely Wilbur Theater, great venue for comedy in Boston that you should go to all the time, really one of the best places to perform and see a show. I'll buzz market that all day long. I went to a bar that I will not name because it was dumb and gross after I was turned away from a fancy bar that wouldn't let me in because it was 2.01 a.m. because Boston. away from a fancy bar that wouldn't let me in because it was 2.01 a.m. because Boston. And then the other bar stayed open later, but eventually at 2.35 a.m. or whatever, they wanted us all to go home. And the way that they got the... The way they cleared out the bar was in the most

massholic fashion I've ever seen. They turned on all the lights, which is not that uncommon, but then they blasted, blasted the theme song from Cheers. It was the greatest thing I had ever endured by being chased out of a bar by Everyone Knows Your Name. Where were we? Oh yeah, you guys. You guys having your dumb sports fight. Matthew, what are your goals for Jiu-Jitsu? I mean, I just pretty much do it to keep fit. I do like to compete just to test

myself to see what level I'm at. But I mean, right now I don't really have any goals to be the best in Boston or let's say that. Rodrigo, do you hear the sound of someone who grew up in a country where you were cradled from cradle to grave? Do you hear the sound of someone who grew up in a country with a national health service and probably has never had to voluntarily work a day in his life. Yes. Are you trying to get by the jiu-jitsu program on the dole, Matthew? No, I mean, I do put in a lot of effort, just not as much as Rodrigo.

Do you take off long periods of time in your jiu-jitsu training to go backpacking around Europe? No, but I wish I could. Rodrigo, if you're in the gym twice as much as Matthew, do you even have a job, or is it just jiu-jitsu all the time for you? Yes, I do have a job. What is your job? He has a job, but he doesn't have a life. I'll allow it. What is your job? He has a job, but he doesn't have a life. I'll allow it. What is your job?

I work for a project management consulting firm. Oh, boy. So you're a check casher. Sure. You cash checks for major corporations. You're a project manager for a consulting firm? Yes. And that is something that there is no human in the world who is actually passionate about

that. So you pour your passion into jujitsu. Would that be accurate to say? Yes. I don't want to get you fired from your job and deported to England, counterintuitively, but is jujitsu a passion for you? Yes. All right.

Matthew, is jiu-jitsu a passion for you? Yes. What? What? What? What? What? I didn't hear you.

Yes. Say it like you mean it, son. Yes. I don't believe you for a second. Rodrigo, what is your goal for jiu-jitsu? You're already doing the no-gi training. Are you going to go into mixed martial arts fightings? Oh, no.

No. No. I do not want to get punched. Oh, you're just grappling only? Yes. Just stress on the old biceps. So how far do you want to progress in jujitsu and what do you get out of it? Um, I just want to go as far as I can, I guess. Um,

so just compete as much as I can and, um, pretty much see how far I can get. All right. Do you want to say some words that might be... I don't know if there's a end goal. All right. Let me put it to you this way. You want to say some words that might be somewhat more thought-provoking and inspiring that

might get Matthew thinking a little bit more about improving his game by you saying what you get out of it, what you get out of going on to the next level that might get Matthew out of his rut? Well, Matt likes to compete. He competes. When there's any local tournaments, Matt will usually compete in them. And how does he do? So I know he already likes to compete. How does he do?

He wins some matches, and he's placed several times. He wins some matches, and he's placed several times. And Matthew, are you comfortable with that lackadaisical record? Yes, let's just say more recently I've been doing better than I was before. Matthew, what are you afraid of in these no-gi classes? I mean, not really anything, to be honest. Before, probably like... I don't believe you, okay? Because A, this is a terrifying sport to begin with.

And B, anyone who avoids doing something is afraid of it. What are you afraid of? But you haven't let me have my return argument. The thing is, Rodrigo says that I'm afraid of it because I don't attend those. I'm choking you out with the fabric of your own arguments. No, Rodrigo says that I don't attend the no-gi classes, but the no-gi classes are always on a Wednesday and a Friday night, which is usually when I have other plans.

What are your other plans that are more important than no-gi jiu-jitsu? I can't think of any. Well, on Wednesday, it's date night. Is that gi or no-gi date night? No-gi. That's what I like to hear, buddy. And then Friday, I

will usually go out with go out with some of my friends or like some of nikki's friends some of your jujitsu friends or your non-jujitsu friends usually usually non-jujitsu friends because um most people will tend to not go out on a friday night so that they don't feel like death at the gym on Saturday. Rodrigo, do you have a fiancé or a special person in your life? Unfortunately, I do not. But that is a lie on Matthew's part. I asked you a simple question. Next simple question.

Do you have any non-jiu-jitsu friends? Yes. One. What is the name of Rodrigo's non-jiu-jitsu friend kevin kevin and what is what does kevin do just sit there and take it he like comes to the bar with us sometimes to what degree to what degree rodrigo do you think you're just jealous of matthew's obviously much more vibrant social life of Matthew's obviously much more vibrant social life.

I'm not that jealous because he makes it out like he's doing a lot more than he really is. Right. You don't think he should be going out on dates with his fiance? Or are you saying they don't actually go out on that many dates? I'm saying they don't actually go out on that many dates. And that's because you're following them around and monitoring what they're doing every Wednesday night? Pretty much. Driving around. I don't think that counts as a date.

You guys just hung around the apartment and then hugged and kissed. So I don't think that counts. You could have gone to Nogi Jiu-Jitsu that day. You didn't go to a movie or to a play. That's what a date is. Yeah, that's exactly his argument sometimes really well no go on i'll allow it matthew yeah sometimes i'll be like oh i didn't end up going to the movies i'll just stayed in with nikki he's like oh so you could have come to no gear i'm like well no because i had to stay in with nikki he's like, oh, so you could have come to no-gi? I'm like, well, no, because I had to stay in with Nikki. He's like, well, you could have come to the gym first and

then hung out with Nikki. I said, you try explaining that to her. How long is the no-gi class? It can only be an hour. It can only be an hour because of Commonwealth Law? You're not allowed to do it for longer?

It's an hour with a half hour of live rolling. Gross. All right. An hour of what? Training? Training with a sensei? Of instructions. Yeah.

So the professor shows you some moves and then you do them. So 90 minutes, you're out of there. Plus, you're probably going to have to take a shower or whatever, get dressed. Yes. What time is the class? It starts at 6. I'm ready. On Wednesday, it starts at 7.

Wednesday, 7 to 9. That's prime time. Right. But you're young people. You can go out after. Yeah. What is your fiance's name, Matthew? Mickey.

And what style of martial art does she excel in? Auntie Rodrigo. Oh, really? Does she get angry at him for insisting that? No, she likes him really. Yeah. But Rodrigo. I used to sleep over Matt's a lot.

Uh-huh. Go on. Because I used to, right when I graduated, I lived in Lemon State. And Matt lived here in Kenmore, which is right next to the gym. So every Friday, or most of Friday, I would come and I would go out drinking and sleep over at Matt's place and then go to the gym in the morning. You're like a jujitsu hobo? Like you're just going couch surfing just to hit the gym? Well, no, no.

Not anymore. I misspoke. We'd go to the gym and then we'd go out after and I would sleep over on Saturday and then on Sunday I'd wake up and go home. And when, how long ago would this have been? And wait, can I just paint the picture that I lived in a studio apartment with Nicky so there was literally a bookcase

between our bed and the sofa that Rodrigo was sleeping on. And how long ago, when was the last time Rodrigo was sleeping on your floor how long ago? When was the last time Rodrigo was sleeping on your floor? Or couch or whatever? Probably like

February. When was the last time Rodrigo was sleeping in your dojo? Yeah, probably February. February of this year? Yeah. Rodrigo, do you have your own home now? Yes, I do. When you were sleeping with Matthew and his fiancée

every weekend night, were you and Matthew doing... Were you and Matthew doing a lot more... Were you and Matthew more matched in jiu-jitsu? Were you doing a lot of jiu-jitsu together at the time? Yeah, I think before Matt was doing more. But yeah, I guess we were pretty even.

Do you want Matthew to excel at Jiu-Jitsu and go to these classes because you miss him? Well, I want to go because I think it'll make him better. And in the long run, I don't want to see him just stay at the same level. Yeah.

Because I feel like if he did no-gi, there's a lot of things that he can do that. Right. Yeah. Make sure that, you know, let's just keep it competitive. You want to push him along, right? God forbid you admit that you miss your friend in a sport where you spend a lot of time lying down on the ground hugging. God forbid you acknowledge that you miss your pal.

But no, you really don't care. You don't care about seeing him. You really just want him to achieve at a higher level. Is that correct? Yes. I don't believe you. The problem is that Rodrigo is the highest standard because he is probably the best competitor at the gym out of pretty much everyone there.

So he kind of is at the top standard. So to expect me to be at the top standard, too, is kind of a bit much to ask. Yeah, especially as someone who grew up in England. That's a lot to ask. Right? To someone to achieve at the very height of their abilities. I love my listeners in England and the UK and in Ireland very much. Please let me come and see your country.

Don't beat me up. Because you know what? One thing I know about England is they do allow striking. They do allow punching there. You think he's just trying to build you up because he needs someone that he can really fight with? Not really, because there's other people at the gym who are higher level than both of us that he will have someone to compete against. He'll always have someone that's a higher level at the gym that will challenge him. You know what, Rodrigo?

You are saying that Matthew really wants to achieve at a higher level, but he is doing a really good job of acting as though he really does not care. Is he a liar he he is lying is he pulling a sneak on me right now yeah it's the only thing he knows um he he goes probably four times a week which is i would say more than someone that is doesn't really care about something that's true because that's about probably three hours a day for uh four days so 12 hours a week, which is, I would say, more than someone that doesn't really care about something. Yeah, that's true. Because that's about probably three hours a day for four days, so 12 hours a week. So I think that's more than someone who's just a casual fan. And I'm not even asking him to go more.

I'm asking him to supplement a no-gi class. I mean, a gi class with a no-gi class. So he doesn't have to go more. He can just do one less gi class with a no-gi class. So he doesn't have to go more. He can just do one less gi class. Matthew, would you agree with Rodrigo's assessment that your jiu-jitsu has plateaued a little bit? Maybe earlier in this year, but I feel like recently not so much. Maybe a little this year, but recently not so much?

I said earlier in this year. Earlier this year it plateaued. Recently you've got your game back. Yeah. Or have you just found some opponents who don't know your five moves? Do you agree with his assessment? Do you agree with his assessment that your repertoire of moves is limited? that your repertoire of moves is limited.

Rodrigo, I don't believe you when you say you just want Matthew to get better because that is a selfless motive. And I don't believe I'm Ayn Rand in this way. I don't believe in selfless motives. I believe only in selfish motives. If you want me to compel your friend to go to a no-gi class and have a surfer fight with you or your other friends, you have to tell me what your selfish motive is for bringing him to court. It can be anything. It can be that you want to see more of him. It can be that you

want to fight him harder. It could be something nothing to do with him. It could be that you just wanted to hijack my podcast to have a good time with your pal. What is your selfish motive for bringing this case to court? It started off that Matt would always have an excuse. So that would always get on my nerves that he would never just outright say, I don't want to do no gi. He would always have an excuse. One time he even got a haircut and said he couldn't come. But he always had an excuse. One time he even got a haircut and said he couldn't come.

But he always had an excuse, and then it got to the point where I wanted him to try newer moves, because it would get boring rolling with him sometimes. So I feel like if he had done Nogi, he would have to open up his game a little more, and it would be more entertaining. That could be a selfish reason. You finally got around to it. It would be more entertaining for you if your friend was a better fighter. Yes. You may be good on the mat, sir, but in the octagon of the mind, I have got you so pinned, you don't even know it.

But now I'm going to let you go. I'm going to let you both go. I'm going to go limber up in my chambers. I'm going to put on my old-timey bathing suit. That's what I fight in. And I'll be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Rodrigo, how are you feeling about your chances?

I don't know. I'm feeling okay. Not as confident as I thought I was going to be at the beginning. You mean just because Judge Hodgman basically told you to fear for your life like 10 seconds ago? Yes. How are you feeling, Matthew? I mean, I'm feeling pretty good um i feel like i didn't get to state my whole case but um yeah we'll see what happens what did you leave out well i feel like

the main problem is that rodrigo wants me to attend these nogi classes but it's not 100 my decision when you live with someone else so it was like 80 what percentage what percent decision is yours what percent decision is your fiance's and what percent decision is your hairs like whether it's I'd say like 10% hair, 40% me, and then 50% fiancé. Wow. What is the worst that either of you guys have ever gotten hurt doing this thing? I would say a month ago, actually, something in my knee popped, which I think is probably the most serious. And you still don't know what it is?

You haven't looked into it? No, not yet. I figured next week was the threshold where if it kept hurting, I would go. Yeah, and I actually broke my finger a week before a competition, and Rodrigo kept saying, oh, no, it'll be fine. Like, you already just stubbed it. Keep training. So I kept training for that week,

and now my finger's just not ever going to be right again. See, which shows how much he cares. Have you guys thought about, like, water aerobics? Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Yeah, Matthew, you've got to take some no-gi classes. Normally, I would never ever compel someone to do something that they're not into just because their dumb friend wants them to be into it. It's one of the guiding principles of this court.

You can't force someone to like what they're not into. You can't force someone to like something that you like. It's because you like no ghee, Rodrigo. It doesn't mean that Matthew's got to get into it. And Matthew, if you had ever made one ounce of a compelling argument that you... I mean, it's hard to prove a negative, perhaps impossible, but if you had ever seemed at any point passionate about anything at all, Passionate about anything at all.

It should have been about your conviction that you don't need or want to go any further in jiu-jitsu. But you're going four times a week. This is a big part of your life right now. This may make, is it Nikki or Mickey who is your fiance? Nikki. Nikki. This may make Nikki unhappy. I suspect it does.

It's a weird thing to do with a bunch of dudes all the time, but that's me. It's not you. Nikki may not be happy that you spend so much time at the gym, and she might be encouraging you to spend no more than you already are spending at the gym and that's kind of a reasonable thing to put forward but it is a big part of your life and you admit that your repertory of moves has grown a little stale well the thing is that i didn't put in there as my counter-argument is that Nikki works away for the summer, and when Nikki was away, I attended all the classes. Including the no-gi classes? Yes. No, no!

Is that true? Not one no-gi class. And I went to a no-gi class probably like, I don't know, a few weeks ago. That was after we were going to be scheduled to come on here. And then after we were in the locker room, you said – Yeah, it's a little late to be putting forward these arguments now. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

I didn't realize how much time we had. I was just kind of – still thought we were on Rodrigo's four arguments. This is a fight about fighting. You've got to get your punches in. You know what I mean? I don't know. Maybe jiu-jitsu is all about patience. It's technical.

It is patience sometimes. Yeah. But I didn't feel the baseball choke at any moment there. You were like a wet noodle in everybody's hands. You were beaten before you walked in here. Maybe you were coasting on the fact that I don't like to compel people to do things that they're not into. But I consider it to be contempt of court. And I appreciate, and I think that there is more than a little subtext here, that your fiancé, perhaps rightly, doesn't want as much jiu-jitsu in her life since she is sharing you in a single room in Kenmore Square, not only with jiu-jitsu, but sometimes other jiu-jitsu dudes.

That would be enough to put me on jiu jujitsu, but sometimes other jujitsu dudes. That would be enough to put me in jujitsu. Well, we actually moved to Brookline, so it's not so bad anymore. Yeah, and that's not jujitsu town, let me tell you. But I will say, where do you live in Brooklyn? I'm not going to stalk you. What kind of general neighborhood? I'm by Amory. All right, cool.

Yeah, that's nice. Nice. Yeah, it's a nice area's nice you got the life you're growing up you're moving away from this jujitsu madness good lemonster here this guy's still into his high school Thanksgiving day rivalry with Fitchburg he's a child I went to Fitchburg

I went to a private school in Fitchburg oh la-di-da I went to Fitchburg. Oh, you went to Fitchburg? I went to a private school in Fitchburg. Oh. Well, la-dee-da. You're putting away childish things, getting ready to build a life with your fiancé. Rodrigo is grabbing childish things and holding onto them on the floor. That's pretty much an accurate description of our relationship, actually. Yeah.

But here's, here's the thing. You can't jujitsu. The only thing that makes a difference here, if this were, if this were like a, a going to see movies club or, or,

or a board gaming club, I'd be like, whatever, just play your play Scrabble at the dumb level that you're playing Scrabble. Now that's, that's what I do. I haven't gotten better. I know I can get better.

If I sat down and I did the work, if I improved my vocabulary, if I started studying my three-letter words as much as the two-letter words, my scores would go, oh, boom, boom, boom. I'd be hitting 400 every time. I'm not playing to the best of my ability. But you know what it is? It's Scrabble, and it's between me and my wife. It's helping my relationship, not hurting it. But jujitsu, this is non-blood blood sport. This is fighting, fighting. You can't be in it. You can't be coming

into a courtroom or going onto a jujitsu pod, Matt, what would you call it? I don't care. You can't be rolling this way in a fight. If you're rolling, you got to fight more, fight more or not, or not fight or put this all aside. Start going running on a treadmill, run on a treadmill and lift some weights. We actually do that too. Yeah, I know you do it.

I know. I know. But the jujitsu, you want to do it yeah i know you do it i know i know but the jiu-jitsu you want to do it you got to do it and i think and i and it's obvious to me i think rodrigo has not made much of a case for anything except for the fact that no gi is clearly the rubicon that you next need to cross in order to progress in jiu-jitsu if you want to progress in jiu-jitsu you've got to do it. If you don't feel like progressing in jujitsu, say, I don't feel like progressing in jujitsu

anymore. I'm going to stop here and get off my back, Rodrigo, figuratively and literally. Judge Sean Hodgman, go eat it. But if you do want to progress, and I think that you do, I think you've got to take one Friday a month at least and hit the no-gi class. Hit it. Hit it hard.

I want you... How many moves, like your best moves, would you say? How many have you got? Five, six? Quite a lot. I think five is an exaggeration. I don't know how many is a lot.

Like four or five, yeah. Five? All right. I want you to check in six months from now. I want to hear that you got 30 good moves. That's a bit much. One Friday a month is not too much of a sacrifice. It has to be a Friday, right? Not date night. Wednesday's date night,

Friday, Friday, you go out, you, you grapple with your, with your young friend. You enjoy youth while you have it. You, you hug each other so violently and then you go and you get drunk and you have a great time. And then you go to your house in Brookline and Rodrigo, you, you go find a home wherever you may find it.

And that, and that will be, that will be literally the bond between you until, until such time as you have gotten some, you've progressed at jujitsu and you've decided whether or not this is going to continue to be a part of your life. Because you appreciate that it's not, it's not, it's a, it's a heavy, it's a heavily training sport. After a while, you're going to, it's going to hit the background as you get married, as you pursue other things in

your life. You know, it's going to, jujitsu is going to have to hit, unless you pursue it professionally or semi-professionally, or you just become a street fighter, it's going to hit, going to hit the background. So I, I encourage you to grapple with it as hard as you can right now and get as good as you can before it and Rodrigo starts fading in your taillights. One no-gi class a week Friday. That's my ruling. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge Johnodgman exits the courtroom rodrigo how do you feel i feel good feel good um if he does two two times uh a month that'll be more than he's done it so far in two years matthew are you excited about putting on that rash guard yeah i mean it's fine although it's kind kind of worrying that Rodrigo already opted from once a month to twice a month because I'm sure it will then go up to four times a month. I noticed that too. Rodrigo, one time a month, one Friday a month.

Right. That's my ruling, Rodrigo. If I hear you're putting a baseball choke on him to do more, you're going to get a strongly worded letter from me, young man. Okay. Rodrigo, what's a move that you think will really help Matthew if he adds it to his repertoire in the no-gi classes? A move? Preferably one with a funny name. Brataplata.

Yeah. Guys, you've got to learn Brataplata, Matthew. I'm surprised you're not already super good at Brataplata. That's actually the move that Rodrigo got disqualified for in that video. Oh, classic brada plada. Well, Rodrigo, Matthew, thanks so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you. Thank you. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So

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is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there?

Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O.

We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Take that. Take that! Judge Hodren, why are you fighting that baseball? I'm practicing jujitsu on it.

That's why I'm rolling around on the floor with this baseball. I'm trying to choke it. But it puts a sneak on me. If you want to just sit down in that big comfortable chair, we could clear the docket. Oh, I know that move. You're not going to trap me again. All right, I'll fall for it. Comfy chair.

Let's do it. Here's something from Bryna. Bryna? Bryna. Bryna. Bryna. Bryna, Bryna, Bryna. Bryna. I get a ton of mailings this time of year looking for donations.

Many are accompanied by address labels, notepads, holiday stickers, calendars, etc. I know they expect a donation, but though there are many worthy causes, I can't afford to support all of them. I stick with organizations I support regularly and give more to them rather than spread my giving thin. Is it okay to not give in return for unsolicited stuff that comes in the mail? No, you have to give $100 to everyone who mails you, no matter what, or you're a monster. What? Of course, yeah, no. Bryinna, of course, you're fine. Just because a charity, however worthy it might be, sends you a bunch of return address labels

because they looked you up in the phone book or whatever else they try to guilt you into giving them some money doesn't mean that you have to give them money. Your charitable giving is your own choice to make. And the fact that you're doing any at all is more than a lot of people do. I'm looking at me right now. No, I give to charity for heaven's sake. But this is truly one of those things where we feel bombarded all the time by what seem like gracious gestures.

Even the fact that a gesture is made sometimes has seemed gracious. This is one of those things these days where we feel bombarded by gracious gestures, unasked for small gifts, or even just the gesture alone seems gracious enough to put in our hearts a feeling of obligation. And the more that we are online and being asked to help kickstart a project or make a little short video for someone's birthday or anything else that seems painless and harmless and would just take a few moments of your time or a few dollars,

harmless and would just take a few moments of your time or a few dollars. The reality is that it is painless to ask these things and to have these ideas, but it costs people time and money to take part in them. And if you are getting 50 or 60 or 100 a day, that is a lot of your time taken. Really, you have to be careful with the time and money that you give away. Because while it's incredibly good of you to be charitable, and I admire it very much, you have to maintain your own time and enough money for those people who are close to you and around you as well. Just because someone has an idea for something does not create an obligation in you to take part in it. This is my incredibly Grinch-like message to you and all of you this holiday season. Hold back. Pick your battles. Give to something that's meaningful to you and give to it in a meaningful way. And understand that when they send you all those free mailers and stuff

like that, that that's their job. They're doing it, and it's okay for you to let a few pass and focus on the things that are meaningful to you. Here's something from Peter. This isn't a dispute, but a brief compilation of the results of a not very scientific study of the prevailing party by gender in old episodes of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I went back to dish soap or hand soap and listened to every episode up to resisting arrest. I noted the gender of the winner in each case. I kept a separate log for docket clearing cases. If I didn't know one party's gender, I left the case out. If there was no clear-cut finding in favor of one party, I called the decision split. Can I just ask, is this from the same guy who

kept the scientific list of the best horror movies in a spreadsheet? I salute Peter for doing important things with his time. As Judge Sean Hodgman said earlier, pick your paddles. I'm grateful to have the data.

So, let's hear it. In the main court cases, the decision was in favor of the ladies by a score of 44 to 27. Whoa. With 13 split decisions and one stunning reversal of a case from male to female.

In the docket... That was a crazy case. Where that guy turned into a girl before our eyes. That was madness. I don't mean to be cisgender intolerant, but that was wild to see. In docket cases, the score was 35 to 27, also favoring ladies. A little closer. I think an interesting follow-up study would be to go through the list and throw out those cases where one party is clearly nuts.

For example, the sadness tree guy. Because it seemed as though a disproportionately high number of the crazy ones were men. Do with this information what you will. The split of women to men has been closer in recent episodes. Best wishes, and do keep taking the nutball dudes. They're always good for a laugh. Well, it's always good to hear from the men's rights advocacy internet groups. No, this is something that's definitely been on my mind as part of the reason why I took a fairly long hiatus from adjudicating male-female marriage disputes

or marriage-related disputes. Because, you know, I acknowledge a bias. I think a lot of times dudes either are or come off as a little bit more bonkers and pushy. And maybe there's something very vestigially chivalrous in me and wanting to defend largely intelligent, rational women against the dumb, dumb man children that they happen to marry. But I am trying to really listen to both sides of the case every time, regardless of gender, whether that gender comes from birth or decision or orientation. And I don't really care. I just listen to who's less crazy than the other.

And I tend to side with that person. That's how the numbers break down. That's how it goes. By the way, I also got a letter recently from a gentleman who upbraided me for my treatment of the Sims family, Jason and Brandy Sims, the so-called sadness tree dude and his wife, for suggesting that his desire to observe a more moribund and contemplative advent than

most Americans do was crazy. But in fact, it's apparently very common and commonly observed in a lot of Catholic households. So, one man's crazy sad vent is another person's serious religious observance. And all I can say is that I don't listen to gender or background. I listen to argument, and I listen to crazy. And I will continue to do so as best I can. I can only do what I can. That's all we've got on the docket this week. Hey, everybody.

I don't know, as of this recording, how many Ragnarok survival kits we have left of the 500 that were made. But when all 500 are sold, that is all that will ever be made, including the Ragnarok special extended edition DVD. There will never be another DVD other than the 500 that were made for these kits. And I'm not saying that you have to do something just because I had an idea. I'm not like one of those loathsome charities that's bothering Brynna. I just made a thing that I like, and if you are interested, they're still for sale. If they're not sold out by now, at johnhodgman.com slash greenfield or bit.ly slash surviveragnorock. I also have some shows coming up in January at the Public Theater as part of the Under the Radar Festival. It is my new one-man show called I Stole Your Dad, 90 minutes of new comedy and Ayn Rand impersonation.

Some of you may have seen it on the road. If you live in New York City or nearby and would like to come, just go to the Public Theater website and tickets are available there. Hey, I'm going to be in San Francisco at SF Sketch Fest with Jordan, doing Jordan Jassiego on February 8th. It's a Saturday afternoon with special guest Rob Corddry. Maybe you've heard of him. That's a no-miss.

Yeah, you'd be a real yutz if you didn't come out to that one. And then the next day, which is a Sunday, we're going to be doing a tribute to our Max Fund colleague Mal Sharp of Coil and Sharp, who is a genuine San Francisco legend and a genuine comedy legend. And he is a great and hilarious guy

who you will really enjoy getting to know on stage. It's going to be me and some other famous comedy people who love Coyle and Sharp, the cult put-on duo of the early 1960s. So if you're in San Francisco, buy tickets for those SF Sketch Fest shows. There's going to be all kinds of other great shows at SF Sketch Fest, but don't miss those two featuring me. You can find more information at MaximumFun.org. Just look at the calendar on the right-hand side. I am personally in a white-hot rage that I'm going to have to miss those shows due to prior commitments. Because Coil and Sharp, something that I learned about through you, Jesse, long before we even really knew each other, is one of the most profoundly amazing bits of comedy history and ongoing comedy brilliance

that I can ever imagine and have ever encountered. And Rob Corddry, of course, also an ongoing comedy brilliance, a total inspiration to me, and a great dude, and also a Massachusettsian. Those sound like two great shows at SF Sketch Fest, which, by the way, as far as I'm concerned, is the premier comedy festival in North America these days. Fantastic. Don't miss it. We did 100 episodes of the Coil and Sharp podcast for MaximumFun.org, which are still available in iTunes.

Just search for Coil and Sharp. And I would say if you've never heard Coil and Sharp, just go into your iTunes or your podcatcher and download the episode titled Maniacs in a Living Hell. That's my favorite. It's one of the most amazing things you will ever hear. And if you download that and you still don't want to come to the tribute and meet Mal, the guy who invented the insane ideas therein, then, you know, I can't do much for you.

And I have some really big news, Judge Hodgman, for MaximumFun.org. I want to hear much for you. And I have some really big news, Judge Hodgman, for MaximumFun.org. I want to hear it. Great. We are launching on this very day as we launch this episode of Judge John Hodgman, four brand new Maximum Fun shows. That's right. Four brand new Maximum Fun programs. Wow. Three brand new programs.

No, that's incorrect. Four brand new Maximum Fun programs. Wow, three brand new programs. No, that's incorrect. Four brand new Maximum Fun programs. And we are relaunching our hit show, International Waters, with a brand new host. So I will run down what these shows are. You should give them a sample. Give them a listen. I think you'll love them.

I'm going to make a note of it. Number one. Go. International Waters relaunched twice a month with new host Dave Holmes that's right, television's Dave Holmes one of the funniest, most convivial men in America a much more competent host than I

is taking over International Waters and the show's going to twice a month it's the pop quiz battle between English comedians and American comedians it is a hilarious show. Two cultures separated by a common language. Exactly. You really said it.

That is the kind of insight I can rely on you for, Judge Hodgman. So that's number one. Stole it. Two. Number two. We have a show called The Goose Down. This is a show hosted by comedians Jasper Redd and Kimberly Clark. And Jasper and Kimberly

have the most wonderful rapport between the pair of them. It is like, they named it The Goose Down because it is like being enveloped in a comforter of their sort of, Jasper's laconic drawl and Kimberly's Midwestern sweetness.

It is a really funny show, but the kind of show where you listen to 10 minutes of it and you want to be best friends with both of the hosts. I subscribe. That's number two. I have number three written down here. Song Exploder, which is a new show that investigates songs. The first episode involves the postal service.

And essentially what your host, Hrrishi does is he takes a song, breaks it down into its individual tracks, individual instrumental tracks, and interviews the creator about the creation of that song, and then essentially mixes all those elements back up into a version of the song that sometimes goes down to a single drum track or a single guitar track and the narration of the creator describing why he or she made the choices he or she made it's totally amazing wow um mashup culture it's the way of the future a really cool great thing number three am i on three four no lady to lady number four lady Lady, which is a show about, well, we're calling it a show about the stuff that ladies talk about when dudes aren't around. Although, obviously, it's a podcast.

We can't keep dudes from listening to this thing. The hosts are too hilarious. I want to listen because I want to know what the ladies are saying. And then, finally, a show called Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross and Carrie essentially once a month investigate a semi-scientifical phenomenon. And when I say investigate, they full-on investigate it. They went to a month's worth of meetings of a weekly 9-11 truthers group in Los Angeles. Whoa.

They took anti-hangover cures until they threw up. And then they report back once a month. It is a totally fascinating and also very funny show. Who are the hosts? Who are Ross and Carrie? Ross and Carrie are investigators. Oh, okay. They are writers, journalists, and investigators. And I am told, John, that our mutual friend, journalist, writer, and sometime humorist, John Ronson.

Love him. Is going to be a regular contributor to the program because he is such a big fan. Sold. Yeah, come on. It's that easy. I actually got a list of five. Yeah, come on. It's that easy. I actually got a list of five.

I got International Waters, Goose Down, Song Exploder, Lady to Lady, Oh No, Ross and Carrie, five new essential listens to, listen to's, subscriptors, you know what I mean, podcasts that I want to hear. Yeah, at the very least, give them a shot. It's all new at MaximumFun.org. We're really proud of all these new shows and proud we can share them with you. Hey, thank you very much, Jesse. I appreciate that. But who came up with the title for our show today? This week's show was named by Nick Maritz.

Thanks, Nick. Or possibly Maritz or Maritz. Or Maritz. Maritz. If you want to name an episode of Judge John Hodgman, like us on Facebook. Just type in Judge John Hodgman on Facebook and click like. Or you can follow us on Twitter. We usually announce those on Twitter as well.

I'm at Jesse Thorne. Hodgman is at Hodgman. And our show's edited by Mark McConville and produced by Julia Smith. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys. Edited by Mark McConville and produced by Julia Smith. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.

If you have a dispute that you would like me to evaluate and then perhaps hear right here on the podcast or in the page of the New York Times Magazine, just go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho or write me directly, Hodgman at MaximumFun.org, where I will personally review your dispute. And we'll move on from there. We'll see what happens. Thank you. personally review your dispute and we'll move on from there. We'll see what happens. Thank you. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com.

You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum dot maximum fund dot org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online. And next time right here on the judge John Hodgman podcast, maximum fund dot org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.