Judge John Hodgman - May It Breeze the Court

Episode Date: October 16, 2013

This week: fan noise tears apart a marriage.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, if it breathes the court, our litigant Adrienne has always used fan noise to help fall asleep. Her husband says the noise drives him crazy, that it masks the night sounds too well. He worries that they won't hear a burglar alarm or their daughter crying in the middle of the night. Should Adrienne keep her sleep aid, or is Patrick entitled to peace and quiet? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Hey, Jesse. Jesse.

Yes, sir. You want to hear my favorite song? Okay. This is my new favorite song. Hang on, this is my favorite part. Yeah! Yeah! Hang on, it's only 46 minutes more.

Hang on. Yeah! Woo! It's good, right? I don't know. Jesse, swear I'm in. Okay. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he can only fall asleep when snug and safe and James Cameron submersible deep under the surface of the ocean? Yes, I do. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Adrian Patrick, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one and only one of your favors. I think I'm saying that right. Can either of you name the title of my new favorite song? Do you need to hear it again?

I'll play it again. Hang on. I love that song. Adrian? No, I don't know it. You don't even want to take a guess? No. Okay.

Patrick? I've not heard that one either. No. I order you to take a guess. It sounds like Adrian's fan, but you wouldn't. Right. So what would be the guess of the name of the song? Oh, Box Fan No. 5.

Close! Ambient White Noise Box Fan is the name of that particular track. 46 minutes long, 38 seconds. Only 89 cents on a certain popular online retailer as a downloadable MP3. One of, dozens of 46 minute to one hour long recordings of box fans that you can buy online to listen to while you fall asleep. My absolute favorite, though, was from a company, and I hate to buzz market but it's called infant reflux sleep and it is the track is called box fan faucet hair dryer and it's all three together it's the white noise triptych

that sounds terrible well to you it does because you hate the sound of a box fan, but Adrienne, you love the sound of a box fan, don't you? I definitely do. You fall asleep to a box fan every night? Yep, for my entire life. And not an MP3 of a box fan, an actual box fan? I prefer the real thing, but I will take a substitute while on vacation. Oh,

because they only, they don't have box fans in other parts of the country. Well, sometimes I will purchase one while on vacation and then leave it there, but that's not always convenient. They're only about 15 bucks, 20 bucks, right?

Yeah. It's totally worth it for a good night's sleep. You just have that thing blow on your face all night long, bells palsy up your face the whole night long. We'll get to that later. Patrick, you hate this, correct? That is correct. Why?

You don't love that noise? I like the sound of silence um i find it more difficult to go to sleep with the box fan on because the the the the feeling that it's like masking other sounds is threatening like i'm wearing headphones all the time and I don't know what's going on. So I feel vulnerable. And then, like you said, there's other. Are you actually wearing headphones all the time or is that a simile? No, that's a simile. That's what it feels like when the box fan is on. Okay, gotcha.

It feels like you're wearing headphones all the time that are playing an mp3 of a box fan yeah yeah okay that calm that common sensation i understand now how long have you been married uh six years six years six years and adrian you you've uh you've used a box fan to fall asleep your entire life is that what you said well Well, at least ever since I can remember. I know I did when I was little. My sister and I shared a room, and so my parents would set it up so we wouldn't, I guess, so we wouldn't bug each other. Sure, that's, a box fan is typically used to quell sibling disputes. I think it was so that the parents could make all the noise they wanted and

not wake up the kids, but that's, that might've been part of it too. A small house. Where did you grow up, Adrian? In Minneapolis. Oh,

Minneapolis. Yeah. Well, uh, hot summers in Minneapolis, right? Yeah, there are.

Yeah, no, I'm not, I'm not joking. Okay. And hot and hot winters too for your parents that's why they needed to drown out the sound and my dad always listened to it in your bedroom so he thought it was a good idea oh your dad was also a box fan aficionado yeah and still is What do you find to be, aside from the association with home and hearth and your dad, what do you find to be soothing about the box fan, such that you have difficulty falling asleep without it?

Is it the sound? Is it the feeling of the air? What? It's not the air. I actually don't like the air on my face. It's the sound and the comfort in knowing that it will drown out other sounds that might make me feel anxious or prevent me from falling asleep. Like the dog making a noise or a neighbor or someone driving a truck down the street. Or the sound of the ocean or falling rain or white noise in general. Any of those things? Those are, yeah, the same idea. Right.

Right. Or the sound of your memories of your parents criticizing you when you were younger. Patrick, you've been married for six years, so this has been a nightly issue? Almost, except for those glorious nights when she's working and I can sleep in silence. The glory...

Except for... You understand what you just said? This has been an issue in my marriage. Every night for six years, except for the glorious nights when I don't have to spend the night with my wife. That's cruel. Well, at least in this context, we're talking about the fan. Well, that raises a good point. This must have been a factor in your courtship, no?

Adrian, did you hide your fan addiction when you were seducing your husband? No, and he did not complain about it at the time. Well, I wasn't, you know. Yeah, it was on her turf. I mean, it was, well, I don't know. Do we want to talk about that? No, you had a fan available for me if I was at your house. Did I?

I don't remember that. Yes, it was an oscillating fan fan so i didn't like it as well it was better than nothing so so yeah because well yeah there's no comparison because a box fan is this and an oscillating fan is this I ought to sell my own MP3s. Adrian, it sounds like you thought you were getting into a real box fan of a marriage, and it turns out you've gotten yourself into an oscillating fan of a marriage. I thought he would eventually get used to it and grow to love it as I have.

Wait a minute. So let me just roll back for a second. Let me just oscillate back to this. You're saying that when you were seducing your husband, you ran the box fan every night. And then when you would go stay over at his house, he, in order to impress you, got a fan. And it was an oscillating fan, but he was still making the effort. Is that what you're claiming? Yeah, that's correct.

Yes, I would like the record to show that I have been a very good sport about this. And the reason I'm bringing this up now, as the judges, is because I think we're moving into a quieter neighborhood. We're about to have a second child. And I think it would be a good time for Adrian to get used to sleeping in silence because there's going to be a lot more sounds that we're going to want to hear as parents of older children. Your contention is that you've been a good sport about this. You've hated it every night of your courtship and marriage, and you've only put up with it out of a sense of trying to be a good guy. But now that you've hit year six of your marriage, you're tired of being a good guy, and it's time for you to get what you want.

time for you to get what you want. Yeah, that's a pretty good summary. And there are changed circumstances now that I just think now is a good time to break Adrian of this habit. No, but that's not true, is it? You just don't want this anymore, and you're coming up with excuses. Yeah, I don't want it anymore. That is absolutely true. I've never wanted it, but I have tolerated

it. You've tolerated it, but it's six years into the marriage. You're about to hit that seven-year itch. And I'd like to do it in silence. And you'd like to do it in silence. Yes. Why do you hate it so much? Well. It's soothing. It's not that bad. Here, listen to it. Listen to it again.

See, you couldn't even hear Jesse over the sound of that, which is a problem. I'm pretty much the Michael Winslow of fans, but, uh, you know, things like the, the baby monitor has to be turned up extra loud to be able to hear it over the sound of the box fan.

So that's not that big of a deal. No, it is. Turn it up a little bit. Yeah. But it makes the sound of the baby crying even more terrifying because it's really loud. And there's this whole other, I have, you know, I worry that the constant drowning, the droning sound can cause, I did some research, it seems like that kind of noise can cause hearing damage and even cardiovascular disease if it's at a certain decibel level. All right. Now you did present some evidence. Now, first of all,

everyone who's composing their emails now, everyone who has pulled over in their car is to compose their angry emails. I know that sleeping with a fan on your face does not cause Bell's palsy. That is folklore. You guys know what Bell's palsy. That is folklore. You guys know what Bell's palsy is? Yeah. That's what Christine Connor always used to tell me in high school, because I like to sleep with a fan. That'll cause half of your face to

freeze. Bell's palsy, that's called. But that's actually caused by other facial nerve deadens and you can be temporarily or for a long time paralyzed in half of your face. But there is no link that I was able to conclusively find of any scientific merit that suggested that that is actually caused by a fan blowing on your face all night long. However, you, Patrick, have presented evidence to me, John Hodgman, of this court of Judge John Hodgman, that there is, in fact, physical debilitation that might be caused by the sound of a fan.

What is your evidence? Well, the World Health Organization has studied this kind of community noise for its public health effects. And there's... What do you mean community noise? Like people who live in a community of box fan enthusiasts? Yeah. No, I guess the document I'm referring to is the World Health Organization in 1999 has

a paper for guidelines for community noise. I guess they study this because, uh, ambient noise, uh, it causes, I don't know. They were worried that it causes, uh, well,

you're doing a great job of presenting this evidence. Thank you. Um, anyway, the, the long and short of the research is that any kind of no referring, are you referring to are you referring to the publication night noise guidelines for europe uh well that is uh another study i pulled

nuggets out of a couple but the the sentence i'm referring to in the guidelines for community noise document says that if negative effects on sleep are to be avoided, the equivalent sound pressure level should not exceed 30 decibels indoors for continuous noise. Okay. And what is the sound of your fan? I believe I've recorded it at about 89 decibels. What? Which is equivalent to a motorcycle If you're right next to it, maybe

And it is right next to the bed It's not that loud I am seeing, so, alright Right next to the bed, right next to the motorcycle Yeah, it's propped up on the motorcycle Okay, so you sent in a screenshot of what seems to be the most well, it's certainly not the most esoteric app that you could get for a smartphone, but it's up there.

It is an application that allows you to record things around you to register their decibels and compare them to the sound of various motor vehicles and cycles so that you can scold people around you and tell them to the sound of various motor vehicles and cycles so that you can scold people around you and tell them to shut up. Yeah, I think that's... This thing is registering at a

89 decibels average motorcycle. And this is a recording you made with your smartphone device? Yes. And using an application called... let's not we don't need to no it's not buzz market yeah how close to you were you recording from inside the fan i was i was next to the fan so like where where we'd be sleeping because the fan is always right next to the bed within arm's reach so yeah that is

according to all right let's stipulate all right let's say for a moment that you're reading is accurate though it is pretty hard to imagine a box fan emitting the same amount of noise as the even an average motorcycle. Okay. What does the World Health Organization claim is going to happen to you, besides Bell's palsy, if you're sleeping next to an 89 decibel average motorcycle sounding box fan?

Well, that you generally have less, lesser quality of sleep, even if you are able to fall asleep, that you don't achieve, you know, REM sleep and things like that. And that those conditions have deleterious effects on your overall health, including your cardiovascular health. And I do feel that the stress also of not being able to hear, for instance, if there is a burglar downstairs or something contributes to that kind of stress that the World Health Organization was concerned about. Where do you live now? We live in my parents' basement.

You have a big burglary problem in the basement of your parents' house? Well, that would be the place where they would come in, maybe. So, yeah. Plus, your dad's always stealing your tater chips. Your Honor, I have some

testimony from a sleep expert who says it does not disturb sleep cycles, which is much more recent than this paper from 1999. Adrian, I do want to hear your evidence. There are just a couple of things that I want to visit for a moment here. One, first of all, the document that I received, you make reference to community noise. The document that I received in your evidence is Night Noise Guidelines for Europe, which is going to be the name of the album of my new band, Box Fan.

Second, you live in your parents' basement? Yes. Temporarily. Is that correct? Temporarily. No. Oh, I would hope that you would not say, yes, permanently. Yes. Temporarily. Is that correct? Temporarily. No. Oh, I would hope that you would not say, yes, permanently.

That's right, permanently. Where in the world do your parents live? These are your parents, Patrick? Yeah, they live in a suburb of the Twin Cities. A suburb of the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul. Yes. Alright. And is it a windowless basement? Is it an airless basement?

It has an egress window for fire code requirements. Sounds very grim. Do you have... And do they store their motorcycle down there? No, they do not have a motorcycle. You have a baby? No, not, we have a three-year-old and we will have a baby in December.

Okay. You have a child? Yes. And you are, and you are expecting? Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. Where does your three-year-old sleep?

In a room across the hall. There's a lot to this basement. Do your parents live in Avengers Mansion? It's a finished basement. It's a fairly nice basement. It has two bedrooms. Would you say that your primary concern is that the box fan will block out noises that may be coming from the danger room? Is it a haunted basement?

No, not to my knowledge. How would you characterize where you are moving to, your destination? It will be very quiet. It is uh a suburb of minneapolis as well um even quieter than our previous neighborhood in minneapolis and we will have a is a new house we're building it will be quiet it's not going to be so you're saying it's not going to be one of those rowdy suburbs of minneapolis that i'm reading about all the time no no no won't be one of those well we don't even know this yet. We don't live there. Well, we've been to the neighborhood.

Not at night. It seems like a quiet neighborhood. There won't be any motorcycles or trucks going up and down the street. And it will be quiet enough where we won't need a fan to drown out the kinds of noises your Adrian is worried about. But you appreciate that

the story that this fan is covering up other noises is itself a cover story for what she is clearly saying to you, which is this sound is soothing to her for both intrinsic reasons, because a lot of people do like to listen to white noise as they fall asleep of different kinds. That's why they sell it on the popular Internet retailer. And for nostalgic reasons. I do see that point. But to that point, I would argue that a lot of people, you know, find the sounds of heavy metal soothing. And that, you know, we can't just say i find i find it not soothing so this for the same reason that straw that is a sir that is a straw man argument no one there there are no there is no one making the argument that they like to fall asleep to heavy metal that

is not a common argument made at all the The only person who probably says that is John Darnielle of Mountain Goats. Please don't make straw man arguments. You are literally describing a form of pseudo torture. It is common for people to use different kinds of white noise, to use different kinds of white noise, like the sound of box fans, to fall asleep. What scientific reason for that may or may not exist, I do not know. But there are lots of products available for your smartphone devices. You could download, you can buy LPs or whatever that will play this kind of repetitive white noise, uh,

or the purpose of aiding sleep. Uh, no one's peddling the merciful fate album. No, that was, but what I'm pointing, what I'm pointing out to you, sir,

is that as you are using the bogus argument that you are, it's time for a change because you're moving and you're having another child to cover up the fact that you just don't like this and want it to stop. So, Adrienne, you are using the bogus argument that you're using the fan to drown out motorcycle noises and truck noises and burglar noises and other noises when in fact you just like the sound of this thing. Is that not so? It is so.

Having it on decreases my anxiety that I will not be able to fall asleep. It's a crutch that I need it. Because of sudden sharp noises, do you really count on it to drown out other noises or do you just intrinsically like the noise of this fan? Well, probably both. I mean, I like it.

I like the, it is calming to me to know that it will suit, or it will drown out other noises. I don't have to worry about that. Let me put it, let me put it to you this way. What does the fan provide to you as a person falling asleep that simply putting in earplugs does not provide? I just like it. Right.

You just like it. And you, sir, just don't like it. Can we just agree to these simple facts and get rid of all this box fan blown air? Okay. That are your so-called reasons? Now we're getting somewhere. i guess i've tried using and he can fall asleep with it on he can or he can't he can he does every night he falls asleep but a little less comfortably knowing that I can't quite hear my surroundings.

Well, this is the thing about marriage, though, isn't it? I mean, the reality is humans have very individual sleep preferences that are unnaturally mashed up against each other into the same bed once people become married. And all of a sudden, you've got to deal with lighting preferences, you've got to deal with bed size, you've got to deal with mattress firmness, you've got to deal with pillow sharing, you've got to deal with covers hogging, you've got to deal with snoring, you've got to deal with aoring. You've got to deal with

a bunch of box fans and motorcycles. All this stuff. The marital bed cannot be a zero-sum game. I still don't know if I'm using that correctly, everybody. But I think I am. You can't have it all or nothing. You've got to find some compromises. Now, let me ask you a real question here, sir. When you cite this information to me, the World Health Organization is telling me that the sound of a box fan is going to prevent me from dreaming and also give me a heart attack. Do you routinely not have REM sleep?

Um, you know, I don't dream that much. You just don't remember it. Well, but you're sleeping so well. I don't, I don't know that that's true.

I mean, I, I have my own, I feel like my that that's true. I mean, I have my own. I feel like my sleep has been compromised for Adrienne's sake in that her anxiety is decreased when we use the fan, but mine is increased. turn that about because if she learns to sleep without the fan then neither of us have anxiety and we can hear all the other things that we need to hear like the children you realize your argument amounts to if she stops having this problem then neither of us have problems yeah if she stops liking what she likes then our marriage is going to be happier. If she stops liking what she likes and likes what I like, then we'll all win.

Yeah. Let me ask you this, Adrian, how does it make you feel to know that your fan is blowing away your husband's dreams? I don't believe that. It's because he's sleeping so soundly. He doesn't wake up and then he doesn't remember them. He still has them. Oh, whoa. You're saying that, in fact, he's so much of a duplicitous liar that not only is his sleep not affected, but it actually is even better.

He's sleeping so soundly. It could be. Everybody has REM sleep. Why wouldn't he have that? What is the evidence? What is the evidence you want to present from your sleep expert? He merely just said that, let me look at the email.

It does not disturb the sleep cycles. This is good detail to that. Thank you, doctor whoever. Yeah, where's your World Health Organization pamphlet? She consulted an actual doctor for that information, by the way.

All right. We have a short recording of your actual fan that you submitted. I'm going to listen to that now because I want to hear it. Ah, it hurts my ears. Oh, shh. Oh, my God. I couldn't even hear. Did you really record your fan?

This is what it sounded like to me. Sounded like the breath of a demon. Didn't sound like a fan. Yeah. See? And then you also submitted sleep arousal threshold is improved by fan noise. Sleep arousal threshold? Where are you getting?

What is this? What does that mean? Adrian? It means that, um, you're less patients who are exposed to ICU noise. We're less likely to arouse if they had a fan on as well. Oh, it makes people less likely to wake up.

The other wake up. To wake up in the middle of the night. Yes. Not become aroused. Yes. To wake up. Healthy sleep environment. Using white noise.

The Sleep Foundation. Yes. Which is a, it recommends using white noise. It says, design your sleep environment to establish conditions for sleep. Cool, quiet,

dark, comfortable, free of interruptions. Also make your bedroom reflective of the value you place on sleep. Check your room for noise or other distractions, including a bed partner's sleep disruptions, such as snoring, complaining, box fan hating. Consider using blackout curtains, eye shades, earplugs, white noise, humidifiers, box fans, and other devices such as more box fans. That was weird. Is the Sleep Foundation sponsored by Box Fan of America? You know, I'm a box fan goodwill ambassador. Here's the thing. So far, I don't hear a lot of common ground

between you two. It sounds like, Adrian, you have a real attachment to a sleep habit that you've had, as you say, for your entire life, as you can remember it. Basically, yep.

And then, Patrick, you've had enough and you want it gone. Well, he gets three nights a month, essentially, when I'm not home, and he can have it however he wants. Right. And where are you those three nights? At work. And may I ask what your work is? I'm an obstetrician and gynecologist. All right. Good job. May I, and you are due in December of this year? That's correct. All right. So those three nights,

you will presumably take some maternity leave. Mm-hmm. So those three nights for Patrick are going to be erased, as indeed, Patrick, every night of sleep for your foreseeable life will be erased. Yeah, it's going to be rough. So you're making an argument to remove the box fan so you can get some better night's sleep for a few more weeks and then it'll be and then it'll be the end.

Oh, no, I'm I'm I think that this should we shouldn't have a fan when when we have the children. I mean, I want this to I want this to end. Well, the baby will still be waking you up. Oh, the baby. still be waking you up. Oh, the baby? Yeah. Have you tried, Adrienne, using recordings of box fans? Like with headphones?

Yeah. No. You've not tried it? Well, not with headphones. I don't like to wear headphones when I'm trying to sleep. You've only used it with like a stereo system? Like a hi-fi?

Well, I have this little device that plays white noise that I take with me on vacation. She plays it on the sound system on her motorcycle. Is that... So you've never tried it. Um,

no, I haven't. If she were to wear headphones, would that be acceptable to you, Patrick? Oh yeah. When you have used, uh,

artificial box fan noise generation, Adrian, has that, has that worked for you whether or not with headphones? Oh yeah, it works It's not quite the same, but it's better than nothing How large is the bedroom in which you are sleeping currently? On the large side, I guess

Yeah It's pretty big Where is the box fan situated? By my nightstand In relation to your head What is its distance from your head? Maybe four feet. It's right next to her head on her side of the bed.

Is it in a window or is it just propped up on a table or something? No, it's like propped up. It has to be propped up like perfectly because box fans sometimes make like a weird wobbling sound and this will really, really disturb Adrian. So it's propped and it's propped very precisely. And it blows towards a wall so it doesn't blow on

us. It doesn't blow on you. No. It's sucking all your night breaths and sleep smells away from you. No. It's sucking all your night breaths and sleep smells away from you. Yes. Okay. And Patrick, what size bed do you have? It is a queen. Oh boy. Come on guys. Come on married people. We're going to get a king when we have space.

Will you have a bigger bedroom in your new place? Do you have a new place already? It's being built, so we are thinking about getting a king. Per your recommendation, in fact. Are you building separate bedrooms? Well, you know, we could do that, I guess. No, we're not. Have you considered building a special built-in fan bedroom for your wife? No, the builder wouldn't do that, I guess. No, we're not. Have you considered building a special built-in fan bedroom for your wife? No, the builder wouldn't do that. And then a bedroom

that perfectly mimics your parents' basement for you, sir? Yeah. And everyone would feel comfortable? Yeah, that'd be nice. So basically, before I go in to my wind tunnel chambers, I just want to understand that you want to make this a zero-sum game. You want that box fan to go away and for it never to reappear. Is that correct, sir? That would be ideal, yes. You want your wife to learn to sleep without the box fan she has used for an entire life to sleep

yes and you would you be willing that she just as brainstorming would you be willing to compromise and she wears headphones listening to whatever she listens to yeah that would work for me no that would work for me. That would work for you. Adrian, your position is box fan or nothing? Basically. Headphones hurt my ears when I'm trying to sleep. Very well. I think I have heard everything I need to make my decision. I am going to

go walk against the wind into the wind tunnel that I have set up in my chambers, and I will be back in a moment to make my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Patrick, how are you feeling? Not so good. I don't know.

I didn't really make my argument very well, I don't think. Patrick, are you super worried about burglars, really? I think not burglars specifically but like you know that kind of uh you know fear response that like you have to unknown noise like i want to be able to hear those i think we'd be better off not hearing the burglars was that a classic freudian slip patrick are you afraid of burgers i don't know what I'm saying. Who's going to break into your suburban Minneapolis

new home? Nobody. Kent Herbeck? That would be terrifying. Prince? Gary Gaiety? I appreciate your knowledge of 1980s era twins. No problem, Tom Brunanski. We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about this case when we return in just a second.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound.

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Visit MadeInCookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware dot com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Well, first of all, though you guys can't see it, my hair is really beautifully fluffed backwards now because of my standing in front of a hairdryer for a while as I thought this through. I'm also unable to blink my eyes because they're so dry. As I say, this is a hard one because both of you are pretty firm in what you want. And you have endured, Patrick, from your point of view, something that is unendurable for six years. And you have imposed upon your husband a preference that is very meaningful to you, but clearly irritating to him.

Vis-a-vis the sound of this motorcycle fan that you have running next to your head every night. The fact of the matter, the reason that I recommend King Beds to every married couple is because what I really want to advise is that married couples sleep in separate rooms. Let me tell you, there are many reasons that i love the novel uh the novels i claudius and claudius the god by robert graves but the one thing that really struck me aside from their literary masterpiece status and incredible characterization is the fact that in aristocratic ancient rome husbands and wives never slept together unless they were going to do something that needed to be drowned out by a box fan. There is something sad about the fact that we share homes and we compromise our living situation. We share rooms and beds throughout our childhood.

I didn't. I'm an only child. But a lot of people did. Then they share rooms in college. And then they share rooms and apartments in cities because they can't afford it. And then finally, when you become an adult and you are able to afford your own place or at least have a good parent's basement to sleep in in when you are ready to finally sleep exactly the way you want people just get married and then it all then it becomes more intimate than ever you've got to put up with someone else's smells and farts and snores kicks and it only gets worse

of course when you have children because the children treat your room as like an extension of their own their their own room and they come in they kick you all night long oh boy i love the i love speaking of great novels i love the novels of michael chabon as well but the the best the best bit of writing i've ever read of his is his description uh from the yiddish policemen's union of a dude sleeping with two children and the incredible kidney punches he gets all night long. It is the definition of the marital bed, defined compromise,

where it is least desired. where it is least desired. And so I have been forced to choose between husband and wife, fan and no fan in this situation, and it's very hard. Ultimately, I have to say that that whereas farting and snoring are uncontrollable human impulses that come and go like weather and ultimately

can be forgiven. While both noxious they lack the mechanical droning, the endless mechanical droning of a fan. Now, I happen to enjoy falling asleep to the sound of a fan or an air conditioner, and I am lucky that my spouse does too. But absent a heat emergency that would require a fan, if my spouse disliked or could not fall asleep to that sound, I think that it would be basically unfair to insist that they endure it. to insist that they endure it.

Adrian, you have grown up with something that is literally artificial, a sound that does not exist in nature that you require to fall asleep. And your husband has endured it for a long time. He even loves you so much that he tricked you into thinking that he didn't mind it by buying an oscillating fan in order to win your heart. I wish that your husband could still be the forgiving, eager young man he was when you met. But now you are growing into a mature relationship with children and you are learning that he is just the same sort of selfish monster we all are when we fall asleep. While I absolutely feel that intrinsically there is something lovely about listening to a fan fall asleep. If he feels the way he does feel, I think that you have to try to find some kind of compromise that will allow him to fall asleep the way he wishes to. The compromise may be one or both of the following.

following. One, you download an MP3 and find headphones that are light enough and comfortable enough for you to fall asleep in, such that you can hear the sound of that box fan. You may listen to the recording of the box fan that you sent me already, or you may use this sound that I highly recommend as being probably the most soporific sound in the world. and attempt sleeping with earplugs. But I do not insist that you be a gentleman because ultimately I find in your favor. Yes. Adrian, you must find some sort of compromise position. You must either attempt to sleep with headphones. You must perhaps put a small, like, if you can't sleep with headphones,

maybe play it on your smartphone device softly next to your bed at a much softer level than before you could try wearing earplugs yourself if indeed you're concerned about being awoken uh you could try um putting a motorcycle next to your bed you could try sleeping in another room with your box fan a couple nights a week. But I do so order you to attempt, or you can try,

learning to sleep without the box fan, without the artificial device that has helped you fall asleep since childhood. You are not a child anymore in your parents' house, nor are you children in Patrick's parents' house.

You're an adult in your house living with another adult, and you have to find some common ground. So try to find some compromise. Try these different things. I hope that you will be able to find a solution. And I order you to do this until your new child is born, at which point you guys aren't going to sleep anyway. I feel for you, Adrian. This is a hard one. But in this case, I find in favor of the, uh, complainant.

Box fan has to go. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. How are you feeling, guys? I feel great. I'm going to sleep well tonight.

I think I might have to sleep with my three-year-old with the box fan. Adrienne, do you think you're up to this challenge? No. Absolutely not. I think I'll have to get some cognitive behavioral therapy in order to do it. I think you can

do this, Adrienne. I believe in you. I, for one, believe in you. Patrick, do you believe in her? I think she can do it. I can't. She's a very talented woman. If you need to, I'll call my friend Michael Winslow.

I'll three-way you in and you can put it on speakerphone. Okay. I think, guys, I mean, let me just be clear, coming back in to judge John Hodgman again. Patrick, you're being mean to your wife. I mean, let's just be very clear. You are denying her something that offers her comfort.

Well. And you've been flexible for six years on this, so I appreciate the sacrifice that you've made. But by saying it's got to go, that's, you know, it's clearly going to be a real challenge to her. I want you to be supportive of her. I want you to, to help her out. I think that there, I think you might try to, uh, try to, uh, uh, uh, find some headphones for her that might be more comfortable or, or, or I don't know what you've got to be nice. You've got to be nice to your wife about this. Okay. But Adrian, I got it. Yeah. I got to, I got to say, you know, we're relying on a big machine blowing even away from

you every night in order to fall asleep. It's a good thing in life to learn how to fall asleep under different circumstances and reliance upon those kinds of things of things, you know, it's good to broaden your repertoire of falling asleep strategies, especially if you were going to have two little kids in the house. So you understand, Patrick, don't be a jerk now. Okay, I won't, I promise. Patrick, Adrian, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast thanks for having us thank you hello teachers and faculty this is Janet Varney I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast the JV club with Janet Varney is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience.

One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember no running in the halls. Judge Hodgman Judge Hodgman What? I know you've been doing a lot of road dates lately

but there's no need to steal Michael Winslow's act I was self-soothing by making my own fan noise I should have recommended that to Adrian too She can make her own fan noise. I should have recommended that to Adrian, too. She can make her own fan noise by going... Ugh.

So sad she has a mean husband. Take it... But listen, guys. See, sometimes I do find in favor of the husband. Even when the husband's mean. Even when the husband is mean. And do you weird men's rights advocates out there who are constantly yelling at me for finding in favor of the wife feel better now? Or do you feel as gross as I do?

Let's clear the docket and hopefully that'll also clear your palate. Perhaps so. Here's something from Kathleen. Philip and I used to date and are still friends. For the past eight years or so, I've gotten in the habit of wearing a sports watch. It comes in handy for workouts, checking the time when cell phones aren't convenient, as a cooking timer, and so forth. I will take it off if I'm dressing up for a night out or an event, but that's the only time. Philip has a huge problem that I never take it off, including when I go to bed, take a shower, and during, well, the intimate moments that we had in the past.

Philip still gives me a hard time about the watch, and I'd like an injunction against all future hassling. Judge Hodgman, please help us. Injunction granted. Ugh. Now I can really take it out on Philip. Philip, stop controlling ladies. Stop telling women what to do. Especially women you're no longer involved with.

The only reason that that sports watch, the only reason that you should have an opinion about that sports watch is if you guys were still dating and still having infinite moments, infinite intimate moments. The only reason you should have anything to say about that sports watch is if you were still dating and still having intimate moments and that sports watch was hitting you in the nose or hurting you in some way. Otherwise, that is a personal fashion choice by your friend, not special lady friend Kathleen. You should respect her choices and stay out of it.

Sorry to be yelling at you so much, Philip, but I'm retroactively yelling at Patrick. It's not fair, but I'm doing it anyway. Am I subject to this injunction? You want to make fun of her sports watch? No, I just want to tell her, just wear it for sports. Oh, right, because of pedantry? Just not classy. Just

not classy or not a good look. If you want to have further intimate moments in the future with someone else. Look, I'm, look, I'm with you, but you can't, you can't legislate good taste. I'm not saying to legislate it, I'm just saying I'm trying to help this young woman.

Oh. Boys are always telling girls what to do. Yeah, no. Look, I think that I don't know. I don't know how the sports watch looks. I think it sounds fine to me. Matter of personal choice,

stop hassling. Stop hassling Kathleen, everybody. She should just get one of those computer eyeglasses and call it a day. Computer eyeglasses. Nice work de-branding that incredibly branded thing. Thank you. Here's something from Will.

This one's a real doozy, Judge Hodgman. I'm going to read it Microman style, micromachines man style. I'm ready for it. In episode 106, Trivial Peersuit, you stated, quote, As you may know, the theme to Car Talk is the banjo tune Doggy Mountain Breakdown, which itself is a play on words on the very famous Earl Scruggs tune Foggy Mountain Breakdown. This is only partially correct, and I would ask that an erratum be appended to the record. The Doggy Mountain Breakdown was named not just in play, but in reverence and respect for the original by its composer, David Dogg Grisman.

Grisman wrote the piece in part as a way of creating a musical composition for the mandolin that would showcase the instrument in a style reminiscent of the hammered-on banjo style made famous by Earl Scruggs, while maintaining the unique sound of the mandolin. It is somewhat ironic that the banjo has evolved into the lead instrument in the mind of many. The mandolin is the instrument that starts the song, and while a banjo frequently takes the first break in performance, Grisman has performed the song numerous times as it was originally written, to showcase the mandolin. So, while the version used as the Car Talk theme is indeed banjo-heavy, it is not a banjo song per se as it was composed for mandolin. In 1990, when the Car Talk hosted the Live from Greaseland Thanksgiving special,

wow, Grisman's mandolin solo during the live performance of Doggy Mountain was the musical hit of the night. One of the joys of listening to your podcast has been your uncanny didactic sense of getting it right or a reasonable facsimile thereof if and when you are making it up. In this case, the song is not something you are making up, nor is it a banjo song. A correction is in order which would stipulate and perhaps illuminate the correct genesis of the song. Watch pedantry, box fan pedantry, mandolin pedantry. Everyone is found in contempt of this court,

but you are right. All right, listen. Will Overhead, that is indeed your name. I did some research. You're absolutely right. David Dog Grisman is a mandolin player. He wrote that song. He does open that song with a...

And then after that, it's a banjo song. All banjo. Banjo dominates that song. I don't care what his solo is. It's a banjo song. Sounds like a banjo song. It walks like a banjo song. It is a banjo song.

But because the composer is a mandolin player and he wrote it from mandolin and everything else, I'm just gonna... Okay, fine. You're right. I'm sorry. It is a mandolin and banjo tune. Doggy Mountain Breakdown.

By the way, Cartalk is forever held in contempt for calling their show live from Greaseland. Though I still love those guys. That's where you've drawn the line with Car Talk? I also love Car Talk, let's be clear, but you know that's an entire radio show predicated on two men reading uncle email forwards, right?

This is just the one where i was just pushed too far and all too many directions i'm just taking i'm just rolling i'm just rolling my contempt for the last thing onto the next person and then the contempt for that onto the next person the contempt for that onto the next person and what i really have contempt for is myself i find myself in contempt of this court. I'm going to go stare into a hairdryer until my eyes turn into cornflakes. Oh, who named this one? Bob Canty. Thanks to him. If you want to name a future Judge John Hodgman episode, like us on Facebook. Just search for Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. That's where we ask for name suggestions. Thank you, Bob.

And if you have a dispute that you would want settled here in the court of Judge John Hodgman, you, of course, can go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho and fill out the form or write me at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. I'm not even going to bother you with all my live tour dates. You know where they are. JohnHodgman.com forward slash tour. Come check out me, Eugene Merman, and Kristen Schaal in a city near you. We're going to Cleveland, D.C., Royal Oak, Michigan, Milwaukee, Philadelphia, and one that I can't remember at this very moment.

Check it out if you want to find out the mystery city john hodgman.com forward slash tour if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-s-t-i hmm are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close.

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