Judge John Hodgman - Medical Pal Practice at SF Sketchfest

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

What a show, recorded LIVE at San Francisco Sketchfest! Should a medical doctor be responsible for diagnosing a friend's shingles in a non-clinical setting? James says no. But, Rob says yes, and he wa...nts JUSTICE! What's more? Our litigants are James Reichmuth and Rob Baedeker from the hilarious sketch group Kasper Hauser! Plus: Feliney Conviction! Should a couple include both of their cats in their annual cat calendar? Even if one of the cats is "not hot enough?"Tickets are still available for SF Sketchfest 2025, along with most of our other West Coast Road Court dates. Go to maximumfun.org/events for more! We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/mkbecker and u/baltinerdist for naming this week’s cases! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court is happening NOW! Get your tickets at maximumfun.org/events.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Judge John Hodgman speaking to you right now with some special news. This week's episode was recorded live at San Francisco SketchFest in January of this year. We heard a case about whether or not a cat was too ugly to appear in a calendar. And boy was it a doozy. But first, there's a case between Rob Betetteker and James Richmuth from the legendary sketch group Casper Hauser, truly one of the weirdest and funniest conversations I've ever had. On stage or off with those two.
Starting point is 00:00:35 And speaking of San Francisco SketchFest, tickets are on sale now to see us at SketchFest 2025. We'll be at the Marines Memorial Theater Sunday, February 2. That's right, Groundhog Day. And we cannot wait. Tickets are at maximumfun.org slash events or go on over to sfsketchfest.com. Let's go to the stage now at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco, California. People of San Francisco, you came to us seeking justice, and we're here to deliver it
Starting point is 00:01:07 at the beautiful Palace of Fine Arts. The Court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome to the stage, Rob and James. Tonight's case, medical pow practice. Rob brings the case against his old friend, James. They're both comedians, but James is also a medical doctor. 20 years ago, Rob got sick on their way
Starting point is 00:01:43 to a big job interview. James failed to diagnose Rob's mystery illness. As a result, they didn't get the job. Their lives have been pointless and empty ever since. Now, Rob seeks justice. Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom
Starting point is 00:02:04 and delivers an obscure cultural reference. Not since the days of the actual historical feral child named Caspar Hauser has humor been so nimble, hungry, wiry, and covered with a fine cat-like fur. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Rob, James, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do.
Starting point is 00:02:37 Yes, sir. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he is a doctor of chiropractic? I do. Yes. Judge Hodgman you may proceed. I technically only have a master's. Oh okay. Yeah. Yeah. Half a master's. Half a master's University of Phoenix. I've never laid hands on another human being. Not even my own wife who's a whole human being in her own right. I don't know how we had children. I just they just showed up one
Starting point is 00:03:03 day and I guess that's how it happens. Oh, wait a minute. It's you, Rob and James. John, the category there is things they don't teach you in chiropractic school. Yeah, the OB-GYN session was pretty short. Yeah. Rob and James, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your's favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced? As I entered this courtroom, Rob will start with you.
Starting point is 00:03:22 Rob, what is it? I think it's a blurb? I think it's a blurb You think it's a blur Blurb you say yeah anything more than you want to say about that. That's as far as I can go I think it's a blur a blur so judge Hotchman. I think that Rob thinks it's a blurb Can we say blurb a little bit more till that word loses blur blur blur blur blur? I think so for a for a what? Book for a book. what? A book. For a book.
Starting point is 00:03:46 Yeah. Any particular book? Hmm. All right, James, what's your guess? It is. This is for all the marble. It is his honors forward to our third book, Weddings of the Times.
Starting point is 00:03:59 By hours, you mean whose? Casper Hauser's. The comedy, the famous San Francisco comedy sketch group? That's right. Of which you happen to be 50%? That's correct. San Francisco sketch comedy legends, Casper Hauser? Yeah!
Starting point is 00:04:13 Woo! Holy moly. Well, that may be true, but you're wrong. What is it, Rob? You held back because you know the answer, but you don't want to win unfairly. I think it's your blurb. My blurb.
Starting point is 00:04:30 For? For. Okay, maybe you don't know. Sky Mall. Your first book, Sky Mall. Sky Mall, Caspar Hauser, Sky Mall. Still in print, still one of the funniest things. Sky Mall, the parody of the Sky Mall catalog
Starting point is 00:04:42 has now long outlasted the Sky Mall catalog. Rest in peace, Sky Mall. I Rest in peace Sky Mall. I miss you That's you on every flight that Sky Mall colon. Happy crap. You can buy from a plane. Yeah So yes, that was my blurb not my forward from Sky Mall So now we have to hear the case now Rob you seek justice in this case. Is that not so? That's correct. You bring the case before me as the plaintiff Yes, Rob. It says here you that James did not diagnose your ailment properly. Uh, tell me briefly where, where were you when you started having symptoms?
Starting point is 00:05:12 My memories, I was in the car. We were driving to LA in James, San Francisco. That's right. Right. Yeah. For a, for an interview with Mad TV, Mad TV to be writers on MAD-TV? Yes. I see, yeah. And what were your symptoms? What symptoms? Started as like a pulse in my head, like an electrical pulse.
Starting point is 00:05:32 Yeah, and, oh, that doesn't sound very comfortable. It wasn't. What side of your head? What area? Right side, sort of back of my head. Do you mind if I touch you? Please, please. I have a master's in chiropractic.
Starting point is 00:05:43 Please. I see. Yeah, exactly. And how long ago's in chiropractic. Please. I see. Yeah, exactly. And how long ago was this? Twenty years ago. Oh, I see. Yeah. And how did the symptoms then proceed?
Starting point is 00:05:52 Don't mind me. It's fine. Is it okay if I just do a few short tests here? Yeah, go ahead. Stand up a little bit more for me. Take a deep breath. And how did the symptoms proceed after that? Good.
Starting point is 00:06:04 Sorry, I missed the question. How did the symptoms proceed after that? Good. Sorry, I missed the question. How did the symptoms proceed? They proceeded poorly. They got worse. In terms of any pain? Yeah, the pain got worse up here. Right. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, fine. Here, on your right temple.
Starting point is 00:06:20 Yeah, it sort of kept moving up toward my eye. And getting more intense, like more painful. I see. And were you driving or getting more intense, like more painful. I see. And were you driving or no? No, James wouldn't. Very lucky for you. Would you cough for me, please? Cough?
Starting point is 00:06:31 Cough. And one more time. Cough. Yeah. It's pretty clear to me you had shingles. Seems pretty obvious. James, why'd you miss this one? You're a medical doctor.
Starting point is 00:06:41 Did you have shingles, Rob? I did. Turns out you had shingles. Yeah, I could tell 20 years later just by touching you. That's what I... How'd you miss this one? I have been living with this missed, very judgmental term, missed diagnosis really for 20 years. I'll be the judge if it's judgmental or not. Okay. James you are indeed a real medical doctor. Yeah, but how good of a doctor if you missed the shingles in your friend.
Starting point is 00:07:06 Well, I'm not in the Hall of Fame. What kind of a doctor even are you, James? I am a medical doctor and a board-certified psychiatrist. A board-certified psychiatrist. That's correct. So you diagnosed Rob with schizophrenia? No. I will say in James's defense, some people get psychiatrists, psychologists confused,
Starting point is 00:07:26 don't realize that psychiatrists are medical doctors, which he is 100%. Yeah. Is that, not sure that helps me in this case. At any rate, there were not, what do you remember about this? Oh, I remember this. So we were getting ready.
Starting point is 00:07:42 So if it didn't start in the actual car in our little Honda Civic, if not then, it was only briefly beforehand, but he was out of sorts, but also his right eye was red and sort of weepy. Right. And he was complaining of pain and wincing a lot, so already I was concerned that our comedy dream was going in the toilet.
Starting point is 00:08:11 That was your primary concern concern when your friend started complaining about mystery pain and his eye had turned bright red and was lolling out of its socket. You're like, I might not get to write for Mad TV. That was the first thing you thought of. You were like, oh no, what will Aries Spears think of this? It's you know, it's just even if he'd had a head cold or the flu or something, I'm thinking, yeah, this is probably gonna affect our interview. Sure.
Starting point is 00:08:30 But so then I pulled out Harrison's, which is the big book that we always use. Sure, which you keep in your car obviously. That's right. The big, is it a diagnostic book? I was able to drive, yes, Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine. Right.
Starting point is 00:08:43 And I was going down the eye wormhole. I would say I was slightly distracted by the eye findings. Not so much because I wouldn't say there was much in the way of derm findings yet. So I was looking... I'm sorry, derm findings? There wasn't much derm... There wasn't much dermatological presence.
Starting point is 00:09:03 Oh, okay. Yeah. Right. Got it. To my memory, there was no rash yet. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. To my memory, there was no rash yet. No rash yet. That's right. And also, there is the possibility,
Starting point is 00:09:12 although we've argued over which sentence it was, but I either said, I wonder if it's shingles, or it can't be shingles, can it? You said one of those two things. Right, and given that he is not my patient, right? He's my roommate. I was your roommate, and I was just in a lot of pain. That's what I remember.
Starting point is 00:09:35 At any rate, so, you know, this is casual. He's not my patient, and I'm a psychiatrist, not a dermatologist, right? Right. But I think that psychiatrist, not a dermatologist, right? Right. But I think that counts as a sort of casual differential diagnosis, whether I said, it can't be shingles, can it? And I think it's casual malpractice. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:57 And he's bringing the case, but I've paid for this in the form basically of bullying and harassment ever since. I pride myself in being a good diagnostician. I've made some really good diagnoses. I mean, outside of my field of Jackson. I'm talking about the family-friend sphere. Were you? Yeah, you have any examples
Starting point is 00:10:20 you'd like to share with the court? I would. Yes, I mean. Go on, man. Yes, thank you. While you then. Yes, thank you. While you think it over, Rob? Yeah? Are you a bully? Is it?
Starting point is 00:10:30 Are you a bully? Are you a bully? Really? Have you been bullying James? Listen, again, all this, I'm just, I was in pain, I needed help, Harrison's, Derm, whatever. I went to the ER by the way eventually eventually yeah But your first course of action was to ask your psychiatrist friend and roommate and roommate Yeah, and what do you think is happening inside my head right now, right?
Starting point is 00:10:57 Avascular necrosis of the femoral head that's what I diagnosed Vascular necrosis of the necrosis of the femoral head. That was your diagnosis. In another person. In the Honda. Oh, in another. That's good. You wanted me to remember a good diagnosis I had made ever some other time. That didn't help me.
Starting point is 00:11:17 That didn't help me. That's just a diagnosis that you had made of a different person at another time that turned out to be correct. I was talking about- Your goal here is to demonstrate that one other time you were right. I asked him for the example of a time that he was correct. I remembered-
Starting point is 00:11:35 And this was in a friend. It was in a family member. In a family member. Who was having hip pain. And they said, well, you just got hip pain, I guess. Necrosis of the femoral head, that's what it sounds like. Avascular necrosis of the femoral head. And were they able to take that diagnosis and get some good treatment?
Starting point is 00:11:52 That's right, they were. That's good for them, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was a golden retriever. But they have femoral heads. I'm glad you guys aren't doctors. Or vets.
Starting point is 00:12:09 Honestly, I think getting a description of symptoms out of a golden retriever would probably be easier than what I had to do get the descriptions out of Rob of what was going on in his head. I can go back there if you want. No, no, that's fine. I got what I mean. It was a hard time. I was in pain. I needed help.
Starting point is 00:12:24 I wasn't I needed. It was a hard time, I was in pain, I needed help. I wasn't getting it. But why didn't you say to your friend, James, Dr. James, I think I need to go see a non-psychiatrist doctor before we drive down to Mac TV? Yeah, hindsight's 20-20. I thought I got a doctor driving the car next to me. Why not ask him to start with, you know? Do you remember if he said, this isn't shingles or this can't be shingles?
Starting point is 00:12:50 What do you remember? Maybe. Maybe, you know, he was going through a lot of information. That's a problem. Sometimes people say that's a problem that I have. Yeah. It's possible that he named a lot of things and that was one of the things he either named or ruled out.
Starting point is 00:13:09 James was saying, how much energy do you have? How have your bowel movements been lately? Tell me about the shine of your coat. You do have a very shiny coat, very healthy. Thank you, thank you. I would also be concerned that your friend was consulting a medical textbook while speeding south in a car. Well, me too, yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:32 But again, I just, you're right. I should have maybe asked him to pull over to take me to an urgent care or something on the way. I feel like that would have been insulting though. Tell me about the job. Was it a big job for you guys? It would have been. Yeah, if I didn't have shingles and, you know, I couldn't focus in the interview.
Starting point is 00:13:50 So what happened? When James said it can't be shingles. I didn't necessarily say that. I might have said, I wonder if it's shingles or it can't be shingles, can it? Like that. No, I remember your two line readings from before but you you've cut off two very important words it's the words are important why are they important because it can't be shingles can it is has the opposite meaning to it can't be shingles they mean the opposite who are you asking
Starting point is 00:14:21 exactly like Jane I Robbie Rob, Rob is not an MD. I'm thinking out loud. If I say, it can't be shingles, can it? That's it. That's what he was doing, thinking out loud. And this is an eight hour drive. So let me ask you, this goes to state of mind. Rob, when James said his famous line, go ahead. It can't be shingles, can it?
Starting point is 00:14:48 Pretty much his catchphrase at this point. Yeah, yeah. Hit me one more time with that one. It can't be shingles, can it? If I were if I were in your seat in the Honda, I might have taken that as something of a reassurance. Like he's thought about it. It can't be shingles, can it? It must be something less severe than shingles.
Starting point is 00:15:10 Let's go to the job interview. Was that your state of mind? Are you trying to implant a memory? Actually? Yes. That's weird. If I were- If not that, what was it?
Starting point is 00:15:24 It can't be an implanted memory, can it? Did you feel reassured when James speculated on the shingles and sort of ruled it out in a way? No. I was worried about the interview. I didn't know what was going on. I was... James' diagnoses were
Starting point is 00:15:40 sort of flying by. How long does it take to drive to MADtv? Eight hours-ish. How did it go as the hours went by? It got worse and worse. And maybe I was thinking some of it was the stress of this interview coming up. Some of it was real.
Starting point is 00:15:55 Did at any time your friend, the doctor, suggest you wear a cone around your head so you wouldn't lick your eye? I wish he would have, you know? And how did the meeting with MADtv go? It was dreadful. Disaster, yeah. Go on, tell me more.
Starting point is 00:16:10 What I remember... I remember... Don't. Don't. Don't. I'm willing to admit that this infection of the face wasn't the only bad thing about our interview with MADtv, but we are not adjudicating other aspects of that interview.
Starting point is 00:16:31 That is not on trial. That could be a separate episode. I was not perfect in that interview. I object, I'll allow it. I want it go. It goes to state of mind and an interesting story. How did it go? I remember we were being interviewed by a well-known comedy guy, Dick Blasucci, I think.
Starting point is 00:16:51 He was the executive producer of ManTV and had been the former head writer of SCTV. That's right. That's right. Yeah. And very early on... And a famous anti-shingles racist. Apparently. anti shingles racist apparently I remember that James couple minutes in the interview was asking about the compensation compensation and health
Starting point is 00:17:11 benefits and couple of minutes into the interview that's my memory couched in the was it couched in this way so first thing first what are your health benefits because my friend probably doesn't have shingles, but something's going wrong. Can you hire us right away? Tell me about the Fox Company's health benefits. Did they cover kennel cough? I was embarrassed.
Starting point is 00:17:37 I don't know what I was thinking. And also they appeared, when we walked into the room, it appeared to be a perfunctory injury. It felt like one of those ones where they had just hired the people who were gonna get the job, and they were like, oh crap, we've just walked in. Oh yeah, no interest. And then they got someone on the phone
Starting point is 00:17:55 who was supposed to be there and had that person do it on speakerphone. So we just thought, and then I don't know why I would ask about benefits, that was just- Well you were concerned about your friend's health. I was not. I never made. I never made.
Starting point is 00:18:07 An extremely interesting defense. You know, I'm not gonna lie, like I said, there were multiple, this is a multifactorial disaster of an interview. This? That would be my diagnosis. I never made this connection. I never realized that James was worried about my health insurance.
Starting point is 00:18:29 Apparently he wasn't. Yeah, yeah, that's what it was. I don't know. I'm not trained in head science. I'm trained. I got a master's degree in chiropractic. But maybe you were making an unconscious, expressing an unconscious sense of care for your friend. I will take that. And how badly were you suffering at the interview
Starting point is 00:18:51 by the time you got there? Well, Dick Blasucci looked at me and said, do you have shingles? No. That didn't happen. That didn't happen. How bad were your symptoms when you got there? Pretty bad. Yeah, like seven out of ten pain. Were you weeping blood at this point? I don't remember weeping blood. I was in a lot of pain, sweating. Like it was getting really sensitive around my eye.
Starting point is 00:19:28 Yeah. Just the kind of comedy writer you want to hire. Exactly. Do you think the shingles adversely affected the job? Did you lose the job because of your shingles? 100%, 99%. 99%. Yeah, and the other 1% was my question.
Starting point is 00:19:40 All right. Do you think that if James had diagnosed your shingles properly, a different outcome would have occurred? I think so. How? What could have happened? I think we would have both been more relaxed. You would have missed your interview because you'd be spending the night in an ER in Bakersfield. How is that gonna help you get the job at MADtv sir? Well I just would have known there was a treatment plan in place. James probably wouldn't have asked about the benefits.
Starting point is 00:20:07 And we would have just spent ourselves and... If you had postponed the interview. Oh, uh... Is that even an option? Sure. Judge Hodgman, bear in mind that the target audience for MadTV at the time was people in ERs in Bakersfield. It's true. It would have been audience research. Bobby Lee plays great to them.
Starting point is 00:20:30 Let me ask you, you mentioned James that you are bullied and have been bullied over this misdiagnosis or non-diagnosis for 20 years. That's right, by the troop. What form does the bully take? Well, basically it's hung over my head as this obvious misdiagnosis, like I'm supposed to feel, I missed it, I missed the shot. Let me like missing the shot in a game or something, but instead of your team, you know, holding you up,
Starting point is 00:20:57 just kind of reminding you of it, because they know it piques me. I don't like that fact, you know, because like I said, I've diagnosed in dogs many different conditions. Would you say that it haunts you to this day? Mildly so, yes, absolutely. It bugs me. I wish I had gotten it right.
Starting point is 00:21:14 I absolutely do. What difference would it have made? Well, so first of all, he could have gone on antivirals. You know, and I don't know if... Before you got to MadTV? Yes, he could have started them. I don't know if he would have got to MadTV? Yes, he could have started them. I don't know if he would have felt that much better. He might have been reassured by having a diagnosis.
Starting point is 00:21:30 But it made a big difference to me because there's pride in diagnosing your pets. And how do they tease you? Oh, it just gets brought up. Like, you missed the shingles diagnosis. That's why. And it was the punctual way... The proof of that is and it was the puncture, or the proof of that is how he was eventually diagnosed.
Starting point is 00:21:51 How is that? By the ER doctor. When did you go? When we got back from the interview, I went in, remember we're roommates, we get back home, and I think, I think I took the bus there, why didn't you drive me? I don't know, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:22:06 I think he might've been afraid to drive with you because who knows what the train is. Yeah, that's right. I walked right in there and ER docs within a second. Just like this. Shingles. Yeah, shingles. So why do you still tease James about this? Aside from the fact that you're obviously just an aggro dude.
Starting point is 00:22:23 It's fun. It's fun? You know you're obviously just an aggro dude. It's fun. It's fun? You know, it's just an... Hang on, will you say that again? It's fun. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:33 I talked over you because I didn't imagine in a lifetime that you were going to say that it was fun. I mean, you're a very nice person. It's not just me. You're a very sweet fellow. Thank you. I mean, I've known you for a long time. Yeah, I appreciate that. I never would I've known you for a long time. Yeah, I appreciate that.
Starting point is 00:22:45 I never would have taken you to be a playground bully. Bully's a strong word. May I say that the group Casper Hauser did not run on sincerity and mutual respect. That was not the core value. That kept us together. Sarcasm and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and together. Sarcasm and, and, perciflage, if I may. No, you may not. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:10 So, what would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor, James? What I want is to be absolved of this, on the basic fact that the skin manifestations of the illness were not very obvious early on. The fact that the diagnosis was instantly obvious to the emergency room doc is because
Starting point is 00:23:32 they had the advantage of seeing the condition later and not living with it. So you know it bugs me that I didn't get it but I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't miss the diagnosis. Rob, do you disagree? What would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor? I would ask for something like light malpractice, you know, sort of. Something breezy.
Starting point is 00:23:55 Yeah, breezy malpractice. I don't want his license to be taken away, but I do want to acknowledge that, yeah, he should have gotten it. We should have gotten the job. To be very clear, you're saying that if you had been diagnosed accurately by your friend, a medical doctor who nonetheless is not a shingles expert, if he had diagnosed you correctly in the Honda on the way to the interview,
Starting point is 00:24:20 that would have psychically stopped the shingles in its tracks. And you would have been cured and you would have had a great interview and you would have been writers for Mad TV until it ended. Well, when you say it that way, yeah, yeah. I think that is what I want. I think I've heard everything in order to make my decision. I'm gonna go into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.
Starting point is 00:24:40 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Rob, how are you feeling about your chances? I feel really validated, I feel heard, and I don't know if he incriminated himself. Right. You're suggesting he should have taken the fifth. I would have. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:01 James, how are you feeling about your chances? I feel validated, I feel heard. So in the, James, in the decades since this incident occurred, have you continued to practice medicine? No, I quit that day. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict. applause
Starting point is 00:25:29 First of all, thank you both for being here. You're both so wonderful, so very funny, and sometimes very sincere. Sometimes, much to my surprise, I've learned, you can lie to me. Rob. In service of a joke. Because you're very talented improvisers
Starting point is 00:25:49 and comedic thinkers. I think you would have been a credit to MadTV. And I'm very, very sorry that your body disagreed with you, Rob, and decided to sabotage the interview. Shingles, that was not a fun thing to have, was it? No, sir. No, and I just got my first shingles vaccine, and that put me out for a full day.
Starting point is 00:26:06 I don't want to get the full, the real shingles. I got to get the second vaccine soon, and everyone else should too. Thank you for your service. Sure. I'm sorry that you went through that. Thank you. I'm sorry that you felt let down by your friend in some way.
Starting point is 00:26:19 And I'm also sorry, James, that you were put in this position. After all, you are a medical doctor but you are a physician of the mind and You have gone on to help people live better lives over these past 20 years. You should be proud of yourself now I did a little bit of research and It would be inappropriate for me to reveal the names of your patients, but I have here a list of them
Starting point is 00:26:48 And I did a little cross-checking with with public health records here in northern, California Would it surprise you to know that the average number of patients of a professional psychiatrist Who contract shingles, that percentage is usually around 2 or 3 percent. Whereas with regard to your patients, it's 79 percent.
Starting point is 00:27:14 79 percent of your patients contracted shingles, or I should say did not seek treatment for their shingles, because according to their testimony, you would frequently say, it can't be shingles, can it? Did I say that the right way? Maybe you should try it. It can't be shingles, can it? That is not true, of course.
Starting point is 00:27:38 That is but a little fiction. See, two can play at that game. I saw it, I saw it. Rob. Yeah, thank you. See? Two can play at that game. I saw it. I saw it. Rob. Yeah, thank you. And also, two can play at the game of bullying James.
Starting point is 00:27:51 I liked getting under James' skin and attacking him for misdiagnosing his friend. I appreciate that. It genuinely and sincerely seems to bother him. I Did not come to this case to imagine that Rob you a very soft-spoken person that I have known for many years Truly one of the cut wouldn't you say he's one of the kindest? Absolutely, really one of the kindest people in the world. Yes would actually crack a joker style grin at me When I say why do you keep bothering him about this and you said because it's fun When I say, why do you keep bothering him about this? And you said, because it's fun.
Starting point is 00:28:25 That, you don't need a psychiatrist. You have a lot of self-knowledge if you're able to say that. That's the hard thing that I learned back when I used to throw my sneakers at Elliot Kaelin in the backstage of the Daily Show. Bullying nerds is fun. It doesn't make a difference if it's a joke or if it's meta-nerdory like my nerd
Starting point is 00:28:46 on nerd bullying that I did with Elliot. It hurt his feelings. I had to apologize to him. I had to make it up to him. I'm still making it up to him in annual payments. We went to court. The point is that there is no way that the shingles diagnosis would have changed the outcome of mad TV. That is just as Edward Gory that there is no way that the shingles diagnosis would have changed the outcome of mad TV. That is just as Edward Gorey says, what is is. That's just what happened. You are not gonna get treatment for shingles
Starting point is 00:29:14 that would have wiped that disease away in time or prevented James from saying the dumb that he said in the interview that lost you the job before you even had a chance. If you cared so much about your health, you have to acknowledge that James is there to help you. He wants to help you, but he is not your medical doctor. He's not your primary care physician. You can be your own advocate, as we unfortunately have to do in the health care system, and said, pull over. This is Bakersfield. I want to do some audience research for MADtv and get some antivirals here. Well they'll surely pick out the shingles.
Starting point is 00:29:50 So I feel that it is an unfortunate occurrence but that your complaint is meaningless and that your bullying must stop. Because for you it's a joke but on some level, and for you it's a joke, but on some level, and for you it's a joke too, James, but on some level it's a little bit real. It bothers me. It bothers you, right? If it's not fun for everybody, it's no fun at all.
Starting point is 00:30:16 So I find in favor of James. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgson rules that is all. Rob, James, where can people find you? CasperHouser.com? Yes. Is Craigslist still up? It is, just barely.
Starting point is 00:30:35 Can I just say that literally 20 years in, my literal favorite thing on the entire internet is Casper Houser's Craigslist parody, Craigslist spelled with a K-H. And not a literal day goes by that I don't think about the headline, want to trade angel shit for dolphin shit. And then the the body of the post is, I'm into dolphins now. up to the body of the post is I'm into dolphins now. Casper Hauser, Casper with a K, CasperHauser.com. Look them up, they're the funniest people in the world.
Starting point is 00:31:22 Please welcome to the stage, Emily and Lennon. Tonight's case, feliney conviction. Emily brings the case against her husband Lennon. They have two cats named Loki and Speckle. But only one of them ever makes it into Emily's annual cat calendar. Lennon thinks that's not fair. Emily says the other cat just isn't hot enough. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.
Starting point is 00:31:51 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. I just got a rather nasty shock. In looking for something or other, I came across the fact that one of my cats is about to be nine years old, and that another of them will shortly thereafter be eight. I have been under the delusion that they were about five or six.
Starting point is 00:32:13 I feel the tomb is just around the corner. Bail of Jesse Thorne, please swear them in. Emily and Lenin, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he is afflicted by toxoplasmosis?
Starting point is 00:32:34 I do. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Yes, it's absolutely true. Anytime I see a cat, I just try to run into its jaws. Ha, ha, ha. Emily and Lenny, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment. One of your favors can either of you name the piece
Starting point is 00:32:47 of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom. Why don't we start with you, Emily? Emily Dickinson outtakes. Emily Dickinson outtakes. She was like cat-laced. Yeah, from the Amherst recording sessions. Yes, absolutely. She did all her own stunts.
Starting point is 00:33:03 I like it. Emily Dickinson out outstakes. I'll put that in the guest book. What about you, Len? What's your guess? I will say a column by Irma Bombeck. Irma Bombeck, column by. Put that in the guest book. Well, all guesses are wrong.
Starting point is 00:33:16 That was actually a quote from a letter to someone named Peter F. Neumeyer from one of my heroes, Edward Gory, the illustrator and designer and first class weirdo and absolute cat person, Edward Gory, the illustrator and designer and first-class weirdo and absolute cat person, Edward Gory lamenting the fact that one of his that his cats are actually older than he thought and therefore that meant that he also is older than he thought and he, like all of us, are hurtling towards the grave. He actually passed away. For us, jury's still out. We could beat it. We could beat it. We could beat Immortal. We'll see what happens.
Starting point is 00:33:48 So far, so good. I've been really enjoying a lot of Edward Gorey lately. You should all check him out, especially if you're a weird 10-year-old. Edward Gorey is for you. In any case, let's hear this case. Who seeks justice in this court before me? I do, Your Honor. And that would be Emily. What is the nature of the justice you seek?
Starting point is 00:34:02 Tell me about your calendar and why isn't Speckle the cat good enough for your calendar? Sure. Okay, so I am allergic to cats, but we really wanted a pet. So my husband and I ended up having to get a pure breed, Siberian, in 2018. His name is Loki. Siberian is a big cat. Yes. Yes, he is huge. And are they hypoallergenic Siberians? Yes, uh, ish. Like, you know.
Starting point is 00:34:28 Or is that just what the cat tells you? It is, yeah, every day. But yeah, so we got this cat, and he's a purebred, and he comes from, like, this long line of show cats. I see. Which is the thing. Right. And so he's beautiful. So he deserves to be on a calendar. Well, he's just stunning, and he knows his angles. Because he's a nepo thing. Right. And so he's beautiful. So he deserves to be on the calendar. Well, he's just stunning and he knows his angles.
Starting point is 00:34:46 Cause he's a nepo baby. Yeah. I mean, he's not my child. So, and I take, you know, the photos. Thank you for saying that now. So I just wanted it to be fair. Hang on, I've heard everything I need to. Yeah, absolutely.
Starting point is 00:34:58 The first person to admit to not being a fur parent wins this case. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If you want to call yourself, you want to call your cat or your dog your fur baby, that's between you and your animal. I understand why you feel that way, but you know, like, parenting a human child is a very special thing. It's a little bit more, you know what I mean? You don't shit in a box, do you? So, you know, there are differences. That's all I'm saying. We went off topic there.
Starting point is 00:35:30 I apologize, Emily. Go ahead. You were saying? Yeah, so, like, any person who gets a pet, like, I was compelled to photograph him, and he's stunning. He's got big blue eyes. He's got this long fur coat. He's Cindy. He's Linda. He's Tw big blue eyes, he's got this long fur coat, he's Cindy, he's Linda, he's Twiggy.
Starting point is 00:35:47 Like he is just, he's gorgeous, he's got femme energy, and he knows how to pose. And so- Wait, so you mean Cindy Crawford, what are the other? Is there another one? Okay, Cindy Crawford, Linda Evangelista, and Twiggy Twiggy. Twiggy Twiggy.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Twiggy Twiggy. Yeah. Like Mario Mario. Yeah. 100%. Do you know what Twiggy's middle name is? What's that? William Carlos Williams. Oh, wow. Weird, right?
Starting point is 00:36:16 What does that even mean? So he has all these things. I started a calendar. I take the calendar seriously. I believe in the power of photography to send a message. My cat sends messages. No one will judge you on wanting to take pictures of your cat and creating a calendar.
Starting point is 00:36:36 The question is, why is Speckle such a trash cat that it doesn't deserve a place in the calendar? It's a fair point, Your Honor. She is not hot. She is not a hot cat. She... And I love her, and I'm her favorite, and I love that about her, but she's just not... Like, she always gets... Is she also a purebred Siberian?
Starting point is 00:36:57 No, we found her pregnant and starving, drinking from a jacuzzi, and we fell in love with her. Oh, yeah. And we met her home. And I was like, I don't care that I have allergies. I will love this cat. To be fair, that is 100% supermodel behavior. from a jacuzzi and we fell in love with her and we brought her home. And I was like, I don't care that I have allergies, I will love this cat. To be fair, that is 100% supermodel behavior. Supermodel energy, not supermodel face.
Starting point is 00:37:17 Wow. This is a pretty, you are a pretty superficial pet lover here. Listen, you know me. You read me like a poem. Like William Carlos Williams. Like Twiggy William Carlos Williams Twiggy. Lenin, you believe that Speckle belongs in the calendar. Why? I think that-
Starting point is 00:37:37 Because you're not a monster? Because, yeah, exactly. I mean, that's the short answer. I think that she is very cute. Maybe she's not supermodel, but she's got like a little bit of an underbite, and I think that is really cute. And she's a little tortoise shellcat instead of a Siberian, and she's very sweet. And I don't think it's really fair to discriminate like that
Starting point is 00:38:00 and not give her equal billing on the calendar. You make the calendar for yourselves? Do you send them around to family members? It's got a very limited and exclusive distribution list. Right. But it has, it grows every year. It's a real luxury brand? It's a, yeah, we try to make it.
Starting point is 00:38:14 It's not for you people. Yeah. You wouldn't understand, it's only for people who appreciate actually beautiful cats. It's your parents, your siblings, Pharrell. What is Loki like, Lennon? He is a very... We know he's very beautiful. He's very beautiful. He is a very snuggly cat, he's very sweet, he loves to play, he and Speckle
Starting point is 00:38:40 got along immediately. They immediately became best friends. I believe you submitted some evidence of video of Loki. He can be, he's a little clumsy and goofy sometimes. And yeah, yes, I did submit some video. All right, I think we should play that video and enter this into evidence. Ha ha ha! Let the record reflect that the cat has a box on its head. Can't get it off.
Starting point is 00:39:15 I forgot that there are distinguishing features to the Siberian brand. They have two layers of fur. They have wide paws for walking on snow. They're large husky cats that have a dog-like quality, much like the Maine Coon cat. And also, their heads resemble a Kleenex box. Which of the two of you was shooting this video rather than helping your cat?
Starting point is 00:39:36 That was Emily. That would be Emily. To be fair, he did do this to himself. A supermodel cat knows they can put their head in a Kleenex box, and one of their people will come and take care of it. You did submit some evidence of Loki not wearing a Kleenex box for a hat. Did we see that? No? Oh. Wow. Piercing, piercing soulful blue eyes. This is Loki peering out between, I'm
Starting point is 00:40:03 going to guess, two layers of wonderful high-quality Brooklyn in sheets and blankets, I suppose. And this is just a Tuesday for him. Did you take this photo? I did. I take all of the photos in the calendar. You've got very good fur texture in this photo. It's very nice.
Starting point is 00:40:19 Those stunning eyes, like that famous National Geographic portrait of that furtish one. It's incredible. Yeah, itographic portrait of that Kurdish one. It's incredible. Yeah, it's a very photogenic cat. Now, let's take a look at the... We have some more photos of cats, right? What's the next one? Loki again, posing with a toy. Do you ever take a picture of Speckle?
Starting point is 00:40:39 Because I'm expecting to see one eventually, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I take so many because I try really hard. You try hard to take pictures of... Get a good shot, Your Honor. eventually, right? Oh yeah, yeah, I take so many, because I try really hard. You try hard to take pictures of- To get a good shot, your honor. Oh, because Speckle always looks terrible in the photos. Yes! You're saying that this cat is legitimately non-photogenic.
Starting point is 00:40:53 Yes, so the thing about it is that, look at the quality, this is what you're competing with. Oh, so Speckle is low quality. Yes, thank you. Oh, I understand. A low quality cat. Yes. Because it's not purebred and was found in an alley. Well, I mean. Oh, I understand. A low quality cat. Yes. Because it's not purebred and was found in an alley. Well, I mean, that's going hard on her as a person.
Starting point is 00:41:09 I'm just going hard on her. Not a person, ma'am. Hey! That's going hard on her as a, you know. That would be hard on a person and it's hard on a cat. Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. Next photo, please. This is actually, I believe, a picture of Speckle.
Starting point is 00:41:24 All right. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, get it away! Thank you!
Starting point is 00:41:33 Oh, no, darling, no! You shouldn't even audition. This is worse than when the guy came to the Mad TV interview with shingles. I put her in February because it's the shortest month. Say it again. I put it in February because it's the shortest month. Oh, so Speckle was in the calendar.
Starting point is 00:41:55 Yeah, because he makes me and I enjoy our marriage. Oh, you want to eliminate Speckle from the calendar. I thought this was an effort to get Speckle into the calendar. She's had a few pages in there, but Loki's had dominated the calendar. And you're saying that you put... was this image February? Yeah. This is a cute cat. This is a picture of a genuinely beautiful cat with stunning green eyes and a horrifying gaping moth.
Starting point is 00:42:25 Well, but to be fair, Speckle is not frozen in this position. I hope. No, no, no. John, your taxoplasmosis right now is drawing you into that hole. ["The Last Supper"] Judge Hodgman? Yes, sir.
Starting point is 00:42:48 We've hit the deadline for Christmas shipping in the Max Fund store, but Hanukkah doesn't end until January, so go get those Canadian house of pizza and garbage t-shirts. Yeah, that's the gelt you need. Eight of them. Get eight. Get eight t-shirts. For every night? Each night that the oil lasted. Whether it's Hanukkah or Saturnalia or Yule or New Year's Eve or anything that you honor
Starting point is 00:43:13 and celebrate during this the holiday season, it's still a good time to give a present even if it's a little late. And we've got lots of them over there at the Maximum Fun Store at maxfunstore.com. Our Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage t-shirts are out of the vault, first time available in many years, as well as beer and or other beverage koozies, non-alcoholic beer or other canned beverages. We have Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage beverage koozies available as well in both regular size cans and for the slim cans. They're so popular these days. As well as weird mom t-shirts to go along with our famous weird dad t-shirts.
Starting point is 00:43:52 And what's more, we've got shows coming up, right Jesse? We're headed up and down the West Coast, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, SketchFest, and of course LA, although the LA tickets are already sold out. So go to maximumfun.org slash events for links to all of those shows and get those tickets now before your preferred destination sells out. That's right. And you know, if you're looking for a last minute Hanukkah gift, get some tickets to the big show and put them in a little card and, put them in a little card and hand it to them and say, happy Hanukkah from judge John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne.
Starting point is 00:44:29 Should we get back to the case? Let's do it. I do want to say that a big part of like what makes someone a model isn't just beauty, it is your ability to be photographed in a way that is like attractive and interesting, yes! Like you do the turn, like you do the Zoolander and she just doesn't, because she does not have
Starting point is 00:44:51 those moments and because she cannot pose, I have to get goofy photos of her. Do we have the one of Loki in the lobster hat? Or did you not submit that? Do we have the one of Loki in the lobster hat, Levin? I didn't submit that. You didn't submit it? I didn't submit evidence for you. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:45:08 For those listening, you can see these images, of course, on our show page at MaximumFun.org and our Instagram account at Judgetown Hodgman. This is an image of Speckle wearing what looks like a wreath of candy corns. And this is a good looking cat. Speckle might be better looking. Whoa. Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:45:33 Emily is leaving the courtroom. In a fit of pique, this would be a first. You can't judge me, you don't know me. Walk out of here and knock over the stool. Do it, Flip a table. Right? A diva loves a diva, right? I'm not afraid to say it, John. I didn't come here to make friends.
Starting point is 00:45:56 This is a cute, good-looking cat. One thing I will say is, badly framed. Paws cut off. Whose fault is that? Next shot, please. Ouch. Now, this is Speckler and Lucky cuddling together. Holy moly. I have to be honest with you, Emily.
Starting point is 00:46:14 I think I'm ready for it. These are both good-looking cats. If you asked me which one of those cats is a professional model, I wouldn't be able to tell. They don't get paid, so I don't know how professional.? I wouldn't be able to tell. They don't get paid, so I don't know how professional. Well, you know, but you know what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:46:28 No, I get what you're saying, yeah. This is a beautiful photo, and they obviously like each other, even though you were obviously pitting them against one another. Like, you know, if you were actually a fur parent, and these were your fur babies, we would be in like VC Andrews territory.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Okay, who submitted this? like VC Andrews territory. Okay, what is it, who submitted this? Uh, Lenin. Lenin. This photo, yeah. And this is to prove what? That they're both adorable. That they're both adorable. And that they love each other and they don't want to be pitted against each other. And they don't want to be separated even in an expletive calendar. Exactly. I see. I'm gonna, alright, let's move on. Do we have any more wonderful photos?
Starting point is 00:47:06 Good. I'm gonna move on and I'm not gonna be mean to you anymore, Emily. I'm gonna ask you a question. I'm ready. When was the first calendar? Whose idea was it? Mine and 2019 was the first year of distribution. Did Lenin help you make it?
Starting point is 00:47:22 He never does. He never helps you make it? No. Thank you. But he has a lot of opinions on a thing he does not create support or adds photos to. Oh, how unusual for a husband. Some of the photos are mine and I do pay for half of the printing so I feel like I have a producer credit.
Starting point is 00:47:48 We counted, it was three photos in five years. Three photos? Yeah. Three photos of 60. There's also a front and a back page. We want the full experience. Sure, of course. That goes in the back sometimes.
Starting point is 00:48:01 But do you, Emily, deny that he contributed to the Kickstarter? But do you, Emily, deny that he contributed to the Kickstarter? He does financially help support the project of Shared Finances. That is true. It is a 50-50 split financially. I do find the coupons though. So without that it would be like 25% more expensive every year. Okay, right. You're finding savings. That is correct. All right. Three photos, five years, and literally the least
Starting point is 00:48:27 you can do in a shared finances household. Why, should you have any say over which cat gets featured in this calendar? So I do hear from the distribution list from our friends and family, especially from my mom, about the calendar. As soon as we got Speckle, one of the first things she said to me was, oh, it's gotta be a Loki
Starting point is 00:48:44 and Speckle calendar now. And I was she said to me was, oh, it's got to be a Loki and Speckle calendar now. And I was talking to her about it and she said, I love having that calendar up, I love seeing Speckle, I actually get emotional looking at it because I think of how hard her life was before you found her and how happy she is now. And so I think that's kind of the crux of it for me. This is not a calendar that we're creating for like our influencer cat to sell. This is something that we create
Starting point is 00:49:09 that's sharing a part of our lives with our friends and family back on the East Coast. And this is something that they can look at and think of us. And so it feels bad to exclude a member of our household from that. Makes perfect sense to me. Emily, how do you respond? So a couple of things that was beautifully sentimental, but I do want to point out that...
Starting point is 00:49:27 And therefore bullshit. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Beautifully sentimental, but I do want to point out that he encouraged me to start an Instagram account for Loki, so Loki could become an influencer and we could retire. Oh, yeah. I mean, if he could do... If he could retire us, if we could make millions off our cap, that'd be great.
Starting point is 00:49:42 So, I think that you're not, like not thinking in the future about what the calendar could become and potentially stifling that revenue. If he starts supporting us, he can have the calendar all to himself. So there's that. And I also just want to point out that the photo, I agree that the photos presented tonight were cute. I also want to point out that when I was asked
Starting point is 00:50:02 to submit photos, those were absolutely the best out of like 10,000. It is hard to get cute photos. She moves around. Like she's constantly in one place or the other. It's very hard. So it's not just, I see. So it's not just that you think she looks like garbage. Yeah, because I know she does.
Starting point is 00:50:22 She looks fine for a cat. She's fine. She's a seven. But, cuz I know she looks fine for a cat. She's fine. She's seven, but she's but she But like a Jersey seven not in LA seven I'm from New Jersey I am from New Jersey It is the best state in the Union Hi mom, I don't know why you think saying that you're from New Jersey It's the best state of the union is going to endear you to this crowd in San Francisco.
Starting point is 00:50:51 I'm just here for a fair ruling. I, look, you did not come here to make friends. That's for sure. I honestly, the claws are out and I appreciate you're not holding back, quite honestly. So why not just add some more Speckle photos? I mean, this is just for friends and family. What's the big deal? Sure, so great question.
Starting point is 00:51:11 I think that what I'm asking for is, I would like to be in creative control of the calendar I create, and not have to have 50-50 representation, because it's not just about the photos of Speckle that are being added. It's about the photos of Loki that we lose when we add more speckle to make a 50-50 point like So I'm really just saying that maybe like a couple of months like we have like we have her as Miss February
Starting point is 00:51:38 We have her as Miss June like we have her on your birthday We have her when she's in a candy corn wreath because that can be cute because it's Halloween. But I don't think it should be 50-50. What's the right distribution? It really depends on what she gives me as a model that year. Right, so every year it's like, we're gonna give you a shot.
Starting point is 00:51:58 Maybe we'll put you in one of the trash months. Yeah, exactly, like the shorter months. But I also think that- What are the trash months? February is obviously the shortest. February, yeah. Right. And then like everyone's already sad in like February anyway, so that works.
Starting point is 00:52:10 Right. And then like March, March is a good month, like back to back. August, everyone's already on vacation, so they're not looking at the camera. Yeah, exactly. That's a fair point, yeah. What we call in Maine mud season, March, April, February, exactly, trash, trash cat time. Yep. Yeah. But even then, you're going to say like exactly, trash, trash cat time. Yep. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:26 But then, but even then, you're gonna say like, I'm not making any promises. No, I will 100% include her. She's part of the family and she loves me and like, when we wake up in the morning, she comes to me first and like, falls asleep on me and makes me like, late for work. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Let's imagine that she were here with us. Do you think she would love you if she spoke English? I don't talk about her in front of her. That's why I say imagine if she were here and could understand
Starting point is 00:52:56 English, what do you think Speckle's reaction would be? I don't think she cares. She doesn't want to be a model. If she did, she'd pose. Low-key poses. He will be like, 45 minutes. She doesn't want it enough. That's the problem. Yeah. She doesn't want it enough. That is, no, no, no, she doesn't want it at all. She's not hungry. It's like, you know those movies where it's like,
Starting point is 00:53:13 you need to be a football player, and he's like, no, I want to be a dancer? That's speckle. She doesn't want to be a model. She wants to, like, play lacrosse. Have you considered a calendar where you dress her up as a lacrosse player? Are you trying to get like a cut of any future?
Starting point is 00:53:28 Look, I've already got a solution for you that's gonna make us all a lot of money. But that has nothing to do with my verdict. Is three months sufficient for you, Lennon? Three months out of 12? I mean, I think it should be an even distribution. I think maybe there can be some squishiness there around pictures that are both of them, if a complete six month for each isn't working. Emily, it says here that if I were to rule in your favor, you want an apology from Lennon.
Starting point is 00:53:57 Why, what does he have to apologize for? Because he does none of the work and has equal opinions. Nine of the work. I did not ask her to make this calendar. This was her project. I'm just not relaying. Why don't you just leave it alone then? Well, I'm relaying the opinions that I've been given
Starting point is 00:54:11 from our friends and family who are saying, hey. Order. San Francisco, shut your pie holes. I think in San Francisco it's shut your pie holes. I think in San Francisco, it's shut your bread bowls. We don't really eat those. No, everyone does. You know, you're saying I'm the only one who was eating rice oroni out of a bread bowl on the Palo Mason table car for hours and hours yesterday.
Starting point is 00:54:45 Setting aside what your family members might think, Lenin, does this affect your opinion of your wife, Emily? Did you know how long you've been married? We've been married since 2021. Congratulations. Thank you. Do you have children? No, just the cats and a Roomba. When did you know that your that your fiancee as you were in the midst of getting married carried such strong opinions about relative stardom of cats? I did not. And how does that affect your opinion? You know, I was pretty surprised. It's when she, you know, calls Speckle,
Starting point is 00:55:27 you know, ugly or mid. That's, it's not great. She's got a face for radio. I think. A face for radio or perhaps a face for the podcast hall of fame. I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'll go back in my chambers. I'll be back in my home with
Starting point is 00:55:48 my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lenin, how are you feeling about your chances? I feel pretty good. You know, a little bit concerned about the idea of putting input into this project when I'm not doing the work for it. I'm not cracking the whip telling her make the calendar. This is the thing she wants to do. As a writer who works in tech, I'm very used to people who aren't on the project telling me how they want the project to be done.
Starting point is 00:56:28 So while I am used to this, I'm really hoping that the the judge will rule not agreeing with why I want the calendar to be the way it is, but understanding that the labor and the effort is completely one-sided and that I'm willing to acquiesce and give two or three months, that is 25% of the calendar. You're only losing 25%. And as a person who works in tech, you're used to having roughly 75% of any group of San Franciscans regard you with contempt.
Starting point is 00:57:02 Absolutely. I am so sorry. I will go back to Santa Clara after this, I swear. You're like, I know what I'll do. I'll go in front of 800 San Franciscans and argue against affirmative action. We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a
Starting point is 00:57:25 moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. So Emily, you got my tax of plasmosis up. Your claws are out. You are unapologetic in your ferocity and I feel strangely attracted to you. Like a toxoplasmosis-addled rat jumping directly into the cat's jaws. I think that there will be, if not this year, then very soon, a reality show made about you. The real cat stage mothers of Santa Clara.
Starting point is 00:58:07 It's all I've ever wanted. Yeah. I really, you know, Bailiff Jess was right. You did not come here to make friends. You were completely unapologetic in your gross discrimination between your cats. I've rarely heard a cat parent openly call their cat mid. I'm really glad that Speckle can't hear you now or ever because if Speckle is anything like my own cat, she's probably dumb. I do
Starting point is 00:58:42 like to call my cat dumb to her face because she can't speak English and she's dumb. But I have to first of all make a sweeping judgment that both of your cats are beautiful and wonderful. I know both inside and out. And I know outside of the calendar that you love them equally, right? I kind of love Speckle like the tiniest bit more. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:59:10 That's why I'm so honest with her. Should you choose to have children, however? First of all, it's a total option to not. But should you ever, or even like nephews or niblings or nieces or whatever, you can't apply the same. You know what I mean? I follow your logic that pets are not children. I'm someone who used to be in show business and it's the truth that when it comes to being photographed
Starting point is 00:59:48 Some people got it and some cats don't it's true. You know that it was a mistake that I was ever on screen The day that happened it happened accidentally and People got tricked for a while and then they slowly figured it out accidentally, and people got tricked for a while, and then they slowly figured it out. That's just the way it goes. These, in the televised, in the picture arts, in the visual arts, in the modeling arts, it's rough. It's hard out there. You know?
Starting point is 01:00:17 You're making a calendar. And the important thing about that is you're making the calendar. Even though you are mean and discriminatory and cruel, you nonetheless have a project that is your project. And I have to stand by the integrity of it being your project. I'm sorry, Lenin, I feel for Speckle and I feel for you and I feel for the extended family who get this calendar wondering where Speckle is. But this is between Emily and Loki, and Speckle to some degree, and mostly Emily's vision for what this calendar should be.
Starting point is 01:00:53 A calendar of, you know, meanness. But you don't apologize for it, you don't apologize for the choices that you're making. No, and Loki's also mean, but he gets away with it because he's hot. So many lessons to be learned. There are any 10-year-olds in the audience. I'm going to rule in your favor
Starting point is 01:01:18 and allow the calendar to be within your purview. Purview. I just, I didn't know even know what I was doing. I didn't even know what I was doing. I apologize That said Lenin I do offer some compensation for you and by compensation I mean a counterpoint project that you can undertake with your own time and labor and Compensation in the sense that it's going to make you an incredible amount of money. And here it is. You are going to go on Instagram and you're
Starting point is 01:01:50 going to create an account called speckle versus Loki. And you will encourage, you will take photos of both and then you will encourage people to vote as to which cat is more mid Than the other I mean if you're going to pit your children against each other for your own amusement and and and fun and money Like some kind of deranged billionaire you might as well make some actual money off of it. This is the sound of a gavel Judge John Hodgman rules that is all Emily Lennon. Thanks for joining usvel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Emily Lennon, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Woo!
Starting point is 01:02:29 Another case in the books. That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you to Reddit user MK Becker and Balton Erdest for naming the cases in this episode. Make sure to follow us on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. We are also on YouTube and TikTok at the handle JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. Go over there. Make sure to follow us. Subscribe, like, share, smash all the buttons. And please come and see us on tour on the West Coast.
Starting point is 01:02:59 At the end of January and early February, we'll be in Vancouver, British Columbia. That's Canada. Seattle, Washington. That's Canada, Seattle, Washington. That's Washington, Portland, Oregon. That's not Maine. And as noted San Francisco sketchfest tickets and more information at maximumfund.org slash events. Tickets are selling briskly. We expect them to sell out.
Starting point is 01:03:19 So please go ahead and get them right now at maximumfund.org slash events. It's better when you were there. The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by John Hodgman. That's me and Jesse Thorne. That's he. This episode was recorded by our friend Matthew Barnhart. Natty Lopez is our social media manager. AJ McKeon is our podcast editor.
Starting point is 01:03:41 Daniel Spear is our video editor. Check out his work at our YouTube. And our producer as always is the incredible Jennifer Marmer. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum fun. A worker owned network.
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