Judge John Hodgman - Moped Operandi

Episode Date: January 29, 2014

Should Amanda live out her Roman Holiday dreams and buy a scooter?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, moped operandi. Amanda brings the case against her husband, Pat. They recently moved to a new neighborhood. Amanda wants to buy a motor scooter to commute to work and get around town. Pat says it's a dangerous idea, especially for his accident-prone wife. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. My jacket's gonna be cut and slim and checked. Maybe a touch of seersucker with an open neck. I ride a GS scooter with my haircut neat. I wear my wartime coat in the wind and sleet. Justice reign over me. Justice reign over me. Justice. I've had enough of dance halls. I've had enough of pills. I've had enough of street fights. I've seen my share of kills. I'm finished with the fashions and acting

like I'm tough. I'm bored with hate and passion. I've had enough of crime and love, but not enough of bailiff Jesse Thorne swearing them in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. I do. Yes. Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman. Wow, you've got a custom horn installed in your bike i did i did and when i when i press a little button i i i tend to fall off not only do i

have a custom horn installed on my loader rider bicycle but i also had the doors to my bicycle welded shut so i have to get into and out of it through the windows. Wow. So this is an old school. This is a Bomba bicycle. It's been chopped. Yes, it is.

It is chopped and dropped and dropped. Pat, Amanda, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors. Could you let me know what was the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? Not when I was doing, but the other thing, the recitation that I could not, that I could have cut about half of it, but I just wanted to say it. could have cut about half of it but i just wanted to say it um i know that i'm gonna kick myself when you say it but i cannot put my finger on it but i know i've heard it before pat i have no idea oh and you want to buy a vespa scooter amanda and you don't know the song love Rain or Me by The Who from the film Quadrophenia and the album.

The album first. All right, Who fans, take it easy. I know the album came first, and it's different. Have you seen Quadrophenia? Yes, but probably not since I was in high school, just 20 years ago. I'm not a huge Who fan. No, but that's what you're trying to recapture

in your life now by buying a hot, cool scooter. That high school feeling. You want to drive that GS scooter, like Jimmy at the end of Quadrophenia, along the white cliffs of Dover, I think? I don't remember. Yeah, that sounds about right. Spoiler alert, destroy it.

In the only way you can when you combine a scooter and a cliff. I just ruined the end of Quadrophenia for everybody. Did you ever see that movie, Pat? No, I haven't. Right, because Amanda's cool. And you're not. Amanda's a mod. And you're a dumb rocker, right?

That sounds about right. You ride an old British Triumph motorcycle and wear leather jackets, right? I think it's fair to say that the only thing that keeps them together is their Dr. Martin's boots. That's right. That's the only thing. And their love of Sting. Their love of Gordon Sumner, Sting. By the way, the GS on the Vespa at the end of that movie is widely believed to be a code for the initials Gordon Sumner, the name of Sting, who played Ace Face or Ace of Base and whatever his name was in that movie. But in fact, I learned today that it's just a model of Vespa, the grand sport. That was Sting's Vespa at the end.

Of course, Jimmy rode a Lambretta through the entire movie, which is a different scooter from Italy Italy now owned by an Indian company. But that's another story. Amanda, why do you want to own a scooter? Because it reminds you of high school and quadrophenia, and now you are middle-aged and love Sting? I am a middle age a vespa type scooter does remind me of high school a bit but almost more from childhood from when i first saw roman holiday when i played hooky one day and my mom

rented old movies another great another great vespa moment in film yeah exactly audrey audrey hepburn steals uh what's his name? Is it Gregory Peck? Is that the one in that movie? Yes. Steals his, steals his Vespa, as they would say in ancient Roman times, and rides it all through Rome. Correct.

Go on, go on. So for the past 10 years, we've- It's not like I didn't just look all this stuff up on the internet today. I'm so excited to use my knowledge. For the past 10 years, we've lived in the suburbs of greater Houston. I'm very sorry. And I commute to work in traffic. I see. I'm sorry.

Are you Texans by birth? Yes, we are. Are you Houstonians by birth? Yes, we are. Are you from Houstonians by birth? Correct, both of us. All right. And you're not middle. If you went to high school 20 years ago. Yeah, I'm not quite middle-aged.

No, no, I don't mean to age you beyond what you are, which is probably about 40 years old, would you say? We're 36, so almost. 36, but you're babies. I know. And now you've moved to a location in Houston that is closer to your job. Is that correct? Yeah, and it's also in town.

So we moved out into the suburbs because we had a child young and raised our kid out there. He graduated from high school last year, so we got back into the city as fast as possible. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. And we're really enjoying it. Yeah, I think so, because now we're young and we're kind of done with that. So I have time for scooter riding. And Pat, are you also 36?

Yes, I am. And you're a baby too. Good heavens. And you have one son who just graduated from high school? Mm-hmm. And what is his plan for life? We'll see. He's in college right now,

so he's still figuring that out. Is he going to be a professional base jumper? Is he going to be one of those bad parkour kids? Where is he going to college? He's in Austin at Austin Community College trying to transfer into UT.

Is he going to run around with a gang, with a scooter gang over there? In Austin? Oh, you know what they have in Austin? Forget that. You know what? It's going to be a pedicab gang. Or a recumbent bicycle. Oh.

He's going to become a recumbi. Oh, he's going to become a recumbi. He's going to say, my generation has had it with you old folks over there in Houston. Well, he's going to have a really good time. Your son is going to have a really good time. Pat, you chose to have a child very early in life, which may have seemed strange to your friends and family at the time, but now you're a 36-year-old. You're done. You did it.

Now your life begins. Why are you denying your lovely young wife the chance to be Audrey Hepburn? Well, I feel like scooters are really small, and it's hard for people to see them. You know, other people in cars driving can't see them very well. They can't really hear them. They're pretty quiet. Yeah. And, you know, I know I've looked up and I've submitted evidence for this, but I've looked up statistics and it's a pretty bad rate of accidents

and, and even, you know, death and, um, you know, and I, I dabbled when I was younger, you know, I rode, you know, friend scooters and motorcycles and things like that. And I wiped out on them and stuff. And I feel like now, um, we're too old to be doing something like that. Uh, you know, we're, there's, there's a lot of traffic around here. Uh, there, um, are bad streets. The roads in Houston aren't the greatest. And, um, and the scooter is just so, uh, it's just, uh, it's a little blip, you know, blip on the road that people don't really pay attention to. And I feel like something might happen to her. People in Texas would, I think would be a little think, would be a little confused by a scooter. Culturally, it's a long way from 1960s London to modern-day Houston.

People in Texas might see that and be a little freaked out. They might try to run it down out of contempt. Are there, what kind of bikes did you ride back when when things that were good for the goose that are no longer okay for the gander what did you what did you ride when you were when you dabbled in wiping out just little little nothing major, just little motor, you know, like 80cc motorcycles. You know, I've never really. I want you to be really specific about the style of motorcycle and the size of the engine and anything that you can give me because I don't know anything about it. But I know that there will be someone listening who does and they're going to get very excited about it. I'll pretend to be one of those.

I think she wants like a two-stroke. No, no, I want to hear about what you, what did you, what did you ride? Oh, just, just little dirt bikes and things like that. Like, you know, nothing above 100cc. I mean, they, nothing significant. Right. But I was young and careless. Did you ride a three-stroke

Grapple with the goofy bar? With the knobby treads? With the knobby treads? I don't know. I'm making up those words. Did it have an over and under with a double nine? those words did it have an over and under with a with a double nine you you rode just long enough to become afraid that's right correct and and and and appropriately so because i mean we've talked about motor motor bikes and motorcycles on this podcast before they they're dangerous aren't they

i believe they are yes yeah and and what tell me about when you got wiped out what happened someone with a truck someone with a truck in texas said no no i mean not allowed i'm gonna hit that kid i've never ridden um a motorcycle like on a regular road i've only ridden a motorcycle like on a regular road. I've only ridden it like at a ranch. And I've had one fall. Like I've wiped out and had one on my leg, but it wasn't huge. So I didn't break any bones or anything like that. And I was wearing a helmet.

What happened? Did it fall out of a tree while you were taking a nap? That's how they sneak up on you. But ever since then, I feel like that's it. Maybe this isn't for me. I'm not a big car guy. I'm not a bike guy. I mean, I like looking at them, and I've thought about owning a motorcycle, but I just feel like, especially at this point now, that I'm just kind of, you know, done with it. I'm too old for it. Now that you're in your dotage at the age of 36. Have you guys thought about instead of moving back to the city, just moving into a rest home now? Thank you. Exactly. Amanda, are you going to buy a motorcycle that you're proposing or what?

Or a scooter? You want to buy a Vespa or a scooter? Well, there's a couple of models I'm looking at. But my main thing is I want the smallest model, which is a 50cc. They're actually like 49 and some change. Right. And their top speed is about 30 to 35. So they're really designed. top speed is about 30 to 35.

So they're really just for the people who are for the, for the non gear heads who are listening at home, a 50 CC CC stands for carbon copy. This thing doubles as a mimeograph machine. Let's call it a secretary's model. Exactly. It's this one. You get a nice little high when you, when you're engine displacement of 50 cubic centimeters,

but as you say, it's actually 49. They round up. Yes. The smallest contemporary Vespa they make is the LX50, right? Yes. Right. And I'm also, that's not even the model. I don't want to buzz market other models,

but there's other models I prefer. But anyway, it's the point of the 50. No, no, no no tell me tell me what why is the why is the vespa an italian piece of junk and the other thing that you want what's the thing you want to get well the honda makes a what a style called the metropolitan and there's also a company called genuine scooters that makes um a couple of 50cc models. The Honda Metropolitan. Genuine scooters? Is that a Texan brand of scooter?

Genuine scooters? Is that a local hipster artisanal? It is, isn't it? Chicago-based. It's pickled and everything, yes. Producer, distributor of motor... Okay, so it's Chicago-based. Hang on.

It's America's favorite scooter company. Sorry to do this to truly, truly buzz market the heck out of these things, but I'd never heard of this. So these are like little Vespa-y knockoffs. Yeah, yeah, right. Except it's made with all organic molded steel and plastic or something. What's the deal? Yeah, it's all biodegradable, you know.

Judge Hodgman, these are genuine knockoffs. These are genuine. So the three options, if I were to find in your favor and you were going to go out directly after hanging up the Internet to buy one, what would be the one? The three options are Vespa LX50, which really should be LX49. And LX, by the way, it's the Roman numeral for 60.

It was its 60th anniversary model. Then the Honda Metropolitan, which seems like buying a Honda scooter in Texas would be the equivalent of swearing in church. And then Genuine, Chicago brand scooters. And they make a pretty Westba-y looking deal here. Which one do you like? a pretty a pretty wespa-y looking deal here which one do you like well there's like the the the buddy or the and then there's there's a there's a couple of them i i tend to like that more vintage style looking like the vespa knockoff yeah they have a vespa knockoff 50cc they have yeah they do they

have a vespa knockoff here that's the stella but i can't see what the size of the engine is and the size of the engine is something that's meaningful to you. I mean, it's meaningful to your case because you're making the argument that with a 50cc engine, you're not really going to be, it's basically a toy. I mean, it's basically a motorized bicycle at that point, right? bicycle at that point, right? Right. And also because of the size and because of the max speed, I mean, it limits itself to only neighborhood streets. Like I couldn't go on any really busy streets where people are driving more than 30 to 40 miles an hour. Right, because what's the maximum speed of a 50cc engine? It depends on the model, but most of them say between 30 and 40. engine? It depends on the model, but most of them say between 30 and 40. So 35 is generally considered the max speed. Right, because that's the average and the median and the mean between

30 and 40. Yeah, exactly. I can't wait, by the way, for the average pedants and the mean and median pedants to write in to tell me which ones of those I got wrong. All right, go on. And it also at 50 CC or under, Texas does not require a motorcycle license. However, I also submitted this for evidence, but I would want to take a scooter safety course just for my peace of mind and for paths as well, because they teach you like just a lot of, and I've done a lot of the research already on things to avoid and, and kind of how to navigate through traffic in your scooter. But I would want to take a safety course as well, where I'm actually riding on the scooter, learning these things. Are you saying this for yourself or just to, just to make

your husband feel better? No, for both, because the only experience I've had riding a scooter was very brief on vacation one year. So I don't want to do it. Where and when was that? That was when I was in high school and we took a cruise to the Bahamas. Oh, yeah. That's where everyone rides scooters. Right, exactly. One of the reasons that I wanted to hear this case is that my wife has been very, very interested in getting a scooter for the same reason, because she rode one in the Bahamas when she was a young person. But over there, what did you ride over there? And also, how badly were you mangled and destroyed in traffic? I mean, you must have been in a coma for some time.

When did you have time to have a child? And I don't even remember. It was like some, I mean, it was like a little kind of more of a Japanese style little scooter. This is where your perverse love of the Honda Metro was born. Yes.

The Honda Metro gets really, Honda, I guess, is known for very reliable motorcycle parts. So they get big ratings on reliability and ease of repair if something with the small engine goes wrong. Right. Okay. And that's why you're looking at the Honda as opposed to the Vespa, which is the thing that was in the movie that you loved. I know. It's also more expensive.

Oh, it is? Would you say that it's fair to say that you'll be doing a lot more of the repairs yourself if you get a Honda because of the ease of repair? I don't know about that. Although that scooter, that hands-on scooter course does teach like general home maintenance. So I might be able to do some of the basic maintenance on it. I'm pretty handy with tools. So you submitted evidence of your route within Houston. What is your job?

I'm a principal at a K-8 school. You're a principal at a K-8 school. You're a principal at a K-8 school? Yes. Yeah. And you want to be the coolest principal of all time. I mean, I kind of already am, but, you know, this can't hurt. Pat, what is your job? I own a pool company.

You own a pool company? Yes, sir. So you install in-ground pools? Yeah, I deal with in-ground. Oh, yeah. So I have a lot of knowledge of the traffic of the city because I'm in it all day long. Yeah, I can understand your knowledge of traffic. I can understand your knowledge of traffic.

I can understand your intense awareness to safety issues because you are essentially in a child drowning business. Do you want to add something else? Oh, please. I'm going to try to put this kindly. I'm also not only worried about other drivers hitting her, but I'm also a little worried about her coordination with the scooter. She has kind of a tendency to be a little, you know, uncoordinated at times. And I'm worried that might carry over to a scooter. Yeah, now you had written in that you're what, let's see what the exact quote here, Amanda is not always the most coordinated person. It scares you to think about her riding the

scooter. She's incredibly clumsy. That's a very harsh thing to say. Her nickname growing up was Stunt Baby because she ran into furniture and everything around like houses and it's like an ongoing joke with her family about the coordination issues. When she was a baby. coordination issues. When she was a baby. Well, this is carried over to adulthood. If I may speak, Your Honor. No.

I want Pat to be able to malign you as much as possible, and with the specificity that is the soul of narrative. Setting aside her past history of being an uncoordinated dumb baby, and then other, what evidence can you give me now of her clumsiness and lack of coordination that makes you think she would be a danger to others and herself? Well, she's a good driver, but she runs into things a lot. I mean, just walking around in the house or, you know, wherever we are, she just is kind of clumsy. I can't really think of a better word. Like what kind of – she just kind of walks into cabinets and stuff?

Like she'll walk into our bed, like the corner of our bed and, you know, hurt her leg. And I can, you know, you hear once or twice, you know, a day yelling across the house. And I'm, you know, running over to see what's wrong. And she's running into something. It's pretty, it's pretty common in our household. Amanda, did you ever accidentally walk off the White Cliffs of Dover and smash yourself against the rocks? I did not. And I don't hit things in my car. What's your driving? What kind of car do you drive?

It's like a small SUV, a Mercury Mariner. Oh, okay. A little Mercury, a little lady SUV. Yeah, it's like a Ford Escape. And how many times have you gotten into accidents this year? None. I had one person, well, my son got into an accident in my car that I didn't count. I know.

Believe me. We all know about your son. How many accidents have you gotten into over the past five years? That were my fault or in general? Well, when you were driving. In the past five years, just one. Someone hit you from behind? Yes.

Right. Was it your bed? Were you driving around and the bed that you constantly bash into in your home decided to get its revenge on you? Yes, exactly. So it sounds like she's got a pretty good record on the road. Would you dispute that, Pat? It is. She does, but she's in a steel steel she's surrounded by a steel cage so you know if anything she would be the fact that she was surrounded by a steel cage would make

her more reckless she would have more hits that's well yeah i mean the steel cage hasn't had to protect her from anything except the one from behind Bump and her own son. It totaled her car, so the wreck that she got into. Oh, did it? Yeah, yeah. Tell me more. Why didn't you tell me about this? I mean, it was frame damage and everything. So if she was on a scooter and that happened, then...

Can I say something? One half. That was on the freeway, and it was during just regular driving-to-work traffic going about 60, 70 miles an hour. And the people in front of me got in a rut, sent on their brakes, and the person behind me didn't stop in time and hit me, totally in my car. gotten a wreck, sand on their brakes and the person behind me didn't stop in time and hit me totally in my car.

But I don't think that it applies because it was on a freeway at high speeds, something that won't apply to driving a scooter. Well, I'll determine whether or not it applies, but I appreciate your pointing out

the differences of speed in the situation. Because specificity is the soul of narrative after all. Now, you make the argument, Pat, that motorcycle deaths are rampant in your area? Yeah, from what I've read, you're about 30 times more likely to die on a motorcycle or a scooter than you are in a car. than you are in a car. Mm-hmm.

But you submitted some evidence here. According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, in 2006, 13.10 cars out of 100,000 ended up in fatal crashes. The rate for motorcycles is 72.34 per 100,000 registered motorcycles. So that's a much larger percentage of fatal crashes in motorcycles uh that's correct your honor does that separate out motorcycles from uh small engine scooters that wouldn't be classed in the state of texas as a motorcycle no unfortunately um and and this is in almost all the studies, they'd lump together both scooters and motorcycles with those studies. Unfortunately, because you believe that if you separated out the motor scooters, that fatality rate would be even higher than the motorcycles or lower than the motorcycles or the same?

I'm not really sure. I honestly don't know. That's a hypothetical. You also submitted some evidence here of some pictures of the roads that your wife, Amanda, might be traveling on to get to and from work. How far away is your school from your home, Amanda? It is just under four miles. Just under four miles? Yes. It takes me about seven minutes in the car. Yeah, that's not very long. You could walk it.

Yeah, or I could ride just my regular bicycle. Yeah, why not a bicycle? Why not? I don't like that laugh. I don't like that laugh at all. Well, what's funny about that is she's in the she's about to purchase a bicycle, regardless of the outcome of our case. And it's like, why can't she just ride that? Well, I'll put it to you then, Amanda. Why not a bicycle? Because right now my commute takes me about seven minutes. And I work long hours and I value my sleep.

And so I like being able to get out of bed and get ready and be at school. Riding a bike, when I've looked at it, it'll take about, it'd be about a 25 minute ride. So that would, you know, cut down about 15 minutes of my getting ready time. You want to try that one again? You want to try that one one more time? Okay. Just say it's, the scooter's cooler. Just say it. It's cooler and more fun. And I also, the weather here about half the year is really, really pleasant. And so I think I would really enjoy it.

It's also something that I would want the two of us to take out. Like on the weekends when we go run quick little errands or just over to the store or down to have lunch at one of our neighborhood spots. You think Pat is going to get on the back of your death machine with you? Yes. I think he will once we have it. I don't think he would. Are you suggesting that you guys get his and her Wespas? No, I'm suggesting we get one that can fit two people.

The cutest couple of 36-year-old Texans who have an 18-year-old child and have finally booted that kid out over to Austin and the two of you just ride around like a gang. And the best thing about it is you wouldn't even have to worry about the rockers. You don't have rockers down there. You'd be the mods. The age-appropriate gang that you guys would have to deal with are the standing treadmill desk gang.

What are you talking about going on errands? Would he get his own bike or would he ride along with you? No, we would ride together. With you driving? I haven't said that yet. I haven't agreed to that. But that's my vision. That's what she wants.

Are you saying that you would drive and he would ride on the back? Or vice versa. He could drive and I would ride on back when we go together. Is he going to take a safety course in this thing? I don't know. Maybe that should be part of it. Pat, let me ask you a question.

Let me ask you a question, Pat. If this WESPA or WESPA equivalent were to materialize in your home, let's say as a gift of the Judge John Hodgman program or the Moxie Soda Corporation, just out of, out of nowheres, regardless of Amanda's desire to ride it or not, would you ever take that thing out for a spin or no? Oh, um, desire to ride it or not would you ever take that thing out for a spin or no oh um i maybe try it i don't know maybe i would i'm not sure would you i prefer i've recently gotten

into uh biking and i i feel like i'd just rather hop on a bicycle and ride around the neighborhood and, you know, just go that route. And is money an issue here? You say she's going to buy a bike even if she does, even if she buys a Vespa or Vespa equivalent, she's going to buy a bike. Are you guys, how are you guys for money? Can you afford this if it were just a luxury? Yeah, it would just be a luxury. But I mean, it's not, we've already like, you know, I plan on spending about $2,000 on the bike.

And the cost of upkeep is inexpensive for insurance per year is about $100 total. $100 per year? Yes. If you take this course, you mentioned that the course would make it less expensive. Does that mean the insurance would cost less if you took the course? Yes, that's correct.

And just in general, average price for a year with our good driving history is between, like they say, $85 to $120. Mm-hmm. And so I just want to give Pat two moments here. One, Pat, you've sent in photos of the area where Amanda would be commuting, the route, or route, depending on where you are in the country or what time of day it is in my brain.

And I see there's a picture of a road that has a crack in it, which is an embarrassment to the entire neighborhood. And then I see some photos of other cars that at least one of these looks like you took yourself while driving. Oh, I was parked. Wait a minute. The second photo... Alright, you tell me what these photos show. First one, it looks like it's a suburban road with a crack in it. What's the story that one's telling me in a thousand words? That the roads aren't very good.

And when you're in a little, you know, if you're on a real motorcycle and you go over a pothole most of the time, it's okay. When you're on a little, you know, Vespa, scooter, whatever, and you're low to the ground and you've got little tires, you know, you could flatten the tire, you could wipe out. I just feel like our roads aren't very good. And that's what I was trying to show. Um, the, the other picture was trying to show

the construction in our neighborhood, which we have a lot of, they're doing a lot of teardowns and McMansion building. And, and, um, and you just see cars zipping around, like there'll be cars parked along both sides of the street and then cards, you know, cars zip around to to get around them. And I feel like that's a hazard. So, yeah, I just don't feel like. But what if there's this one there's this one it looks like it's a divided. A divided four lane road, two lanes going in each direction. And there's a,

and there's a truck with it's directly in front of whatever vehicle you're in with its rear lights on its brake lights on. Okay. Yes. That one I was driving, but I was stopped. That was just to show the traffic. That was just to show,

which is what kind of, what kind of crazy drivers was just to show what kind of crazy drivers there are around this area of Houston. People are taking pictures. There are some crazy ones. Yeah. I mean, the reasons that Amanda might give in favor of getting a little scooter have been, A, made very clearly and articulately by her. There are practical and emotional reasons. And B, the emotional reasons especially are utterly transparent. You know, like it's just cool.

It's fun. She wants to do what she did in high school. Now you've made some arguments about safety that are fair points and important points to make. Now I would like to hear an emotional argument. What are you afraid of how will you feel if amanda is out there audrey hep burning it around town not knocking knocking over roman fruit stands and carabinieri and everything else i feel like she i i feel like she'll get hurt eventually. Um, maybe not for, you know, a month or it could be, it could take years. I don't know, but we all get in car wrecks,

um, you know, in our lifetime. And, and you ask most people that have owned motorcycles for many years and they all say they've, they've put them down and, and, down. And I feel like eventually she will be in a wreck, and I don't want to get that phone call, you know. Anything else? That's it. I'm just, you know, I'm just looking out for my wife. I think that I have heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I am going to putt-putt my little

official jazzy scooter into my chambers, and I will, I just buzz-marketed jazzy. Maybe I should have said rascal. Rascal and or jazzy. Rascal. Yeah, and I'm going to suck on my oxygen tank for a little while and ponder this, and I'll be back in a moment with my decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Amanda, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I'm feeling pretty good. I don't think that Pat's argument that he's just, it's just the great unknown that it might happen. And I also think that, you know, he talks about potholes and things like that. Well, I know where the worst streets are, and I'll avoid those as well as avoid construction.

So I'm feeling okay. But I really, I don't know. It's a toss-up at this point. You know, I was once in a car accident almost identical to the one you described, except that it took place on a city street at an intersection in Los Angeles. What do you think would happen if you were in an accident similar to that, but rather than being in a car, you were on a motor scooter? Yeah, I mean, I know that it would be worse. That could be, you know, very hurt or maybe perhaps even fatally. But I feel like,

I don't know, I think that the there's not really good statistics out there for the scooter. Like we said, there's no way to separate them. And, and on the statistics, there are they talk about how like, I think it was 40 to 50% of the accidents that people weren't wearing helmets, or there was alcohol involved. And so those two things don't apply to me at all. And I just know like the area we're going to be driving. I think I think it's mostly neighborhood streets like I could actually avoid all streets that have even stop stoplights. I could just drive through all neighborhood streets in front of houses. Pat, how are you feeling about your chances? I don't think it's looking too good. Especially since his wife is trying to

look into the same thing. I don't know. I'm wondering if they're having a similar conversation. Amanda, have you ever seen those? It's like it's a little scooter, but then it has a cool roof on it. You know, like it goes up from the front windshield. It's as though the windshield extends up over your head and then back behind you and down to the back of the scooter. Yes. Those are neat, right? Yeah. Actually, we've seen some people, one person near our neighborhood that drives around in one of those.

They're kind of weird. There's actually a Vespa club. Of Houston? Yeah, that people in our neighborhood belong to. I'm sure she would probably join that too. With her Honda? Yeah, right. That might be the deal breaker on the Honda for me. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about this case when we come back in just a second. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you,

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And you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash

Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. So let's stipulate to the fact that these things are dangerous, right? Scooters are dangerous. And like all dangerous things, you have to do an evaluation of how dangerous they are in your life. Not just where you live, but where you are in your life. The reason that children ride scooters and motorcycles, like Pat did when he was but a youth, is that they believe that they are immortal.

They do not appreciate the danger. It's the same reason that your son crashes up your Mercury Milan or whatever it is all the time. Because he doesn't get it. He's never been in an accident before. He thinks he's immortal. he doesn't get it he's never been in an accident before he thinks he's immortal you pat should be worried about your son riding a scooter or for that matter getting stampeded by a herd of pedicabs in austin texas because he is going to be facing them he's going to play chicken with those things he's going to ride on top of the shoulders of a of a pedicab operator and and and then do parkour off the back of it that's what children do

it's not what it's not what moms do though and the thing is that i think that to some degree you wouldn't be human if if you were not worried about your son who has left town and left your lives i'm not sure you know what there is to worry about because i don't think you guys If you were not worried about your son who has left town and left your lives. I'm not sure you know what there is to worry about because I don't think you guys understand what age you are. Because your lives have been so upside down in comparison to where people usually are at the age of 36 these days in urban centers. Right? You're still calling your wife a stunt baby but she's a grown woman you know you guys you guys buy you know if you guys were in park slope you would be having your

first child next year right but instead you've had this this uh this um a surprising and atypical, certainly for urban centers, I don't know about your region, but an atypical early middle-aged-dom when you were in your 20s and 30s, and now you're done. And you're having, I think, it would be my guess uh some difficulty um making judgments about what kind of risks you can or cannot take now i make i bring this up because i have a wife who also wants to ride around on a west but like audrey hepburn and i love my wife and i want her to be cool i'd love for her to ride around on those things but we don't have an 18 year old child who's off in the world. Now we have two non 18 year old children and it's not to suggest that, uh, uh, losing a parent to, uh, injury or,

or, or fatal Westpac crash would be less sad to your son. Should something like that happen? it's just that it's a different situation if you have an adult son even if he's just two seconds an adult or a son who still has 10 more years of parenting that he requires of of both parents before he becomes a man who will then go out there and ruin his life by riding a motorcycle. Additionally, I have said to my wife, if I think of you, the same length of commute, pretty much, actually, from where we live to where she teaches school and wants to be the coolest teacher of all time.

She's not a principal. She's a high school teacher. But to get there, she would have to go over the Brooklyn Bridge. And I've gone over the Brooklyn Bridge in a car, and I know that the traffic there is fast, tight, packed, and dense, and dangerous. And also the roads are garbage. roads are garbage. Given that you are, I don't know the roads in Houston all that well,

but I can only feel, I can only judge by what Amanda has told me that she knows the route. She knows the risks. She is an adult who has, has spent 18 years of her life taking care of a, of another human being and is ready to get back to the Bahamas that she put aside in order to hold, in order to raise your child.

She has looked responsibly at the options. She has looked responsibly at the options. She has even considered buying a Honda. No offense, I'm sure they're great scooters, and I bet there are clubs that love them too. You know, she's so responsible that she's even, I think, seriously considering buying a Honda when what she wants to do is ride a Vespa and Rome side saddle in a skirt. And she's,

she's looked into a course for safety that I think only goes to show again that she is not your son or you, sir, when you were 18 and had motorcycles falling out of trees onto you all the time, she's an adult and all adults, motorcycles falling out of trees onto you all the time. She's an adult. And all adults, even your son,

have the right to make a decision about what is the right risk array versus personal reward array. And I have to say that though I expressed to my wife grave concern about the idea of her driving over the Brooklyn Bridge and maybe even a scared her into not getting one of these things if she had said and if indeed she said today I'm getting one and we could afford it I would say I can't stop I can't stop you from doing that and I don't think you should I don't stop you from doing that. And I don't think you should. I don't think you should worry about your wife driving on these roads. You're going to worry,

but I think you're going to learn as soon as she is the most responsible WESPA driver of all time, that she's good at it. She's not you as a child and everything is going to be fine and you guys will be happier because she is back in the bahamas amanda i'm gonna find in your favor i am not going to allow you to buy a honda okay i'm sorry the whole point of this thing is to live a dream. You deserve to live a dream. You have raised a child.

You must not get a Honda or a knockoff. You must get a new Vespa LX50 and join that club. Whatever you do, guys, do not go on craigslist or ebay and buy a beautiful looking restored vintage vespa online i have learned this from experts real experts like robbie the guy who rebuilds vespas here in red hook and also john roderick who considers himself to be an expert on everything. They agree. All of those things, all of those beautifully restored Vespas that you are buying off of Craigslist, they're all coming from Vietnam or other places in Southeast Asia where they have been modded out, cut and dropped and kitted out. Their transmissions have been rebuilt with soda cans. I'm not joking, literally. If you find a reliable dealer in your area,

and I don't like to buzz market a particular brand. If you are in love with the Honda, you should get it. If you're in love with the genuine scooter company, you should get it. You should pick one of the three that you are most in love with. I think we know which one it is. And You should get it. You should pick the one of the three that you are most in love with. I think we know which one it is. And you should get it. And you should join the club.

And then you must endeavor to prove every day, starting slowly, that this was the right, safe decision, that you are the greatest scooter driver in Houston. What do you drive, sir? I drive a Toyota Tacoma. Oh, a truck. Yes.

Yeah. Take some care and don't run over your wife's scooter, okay? Your truck will want to do it. You will have to stop the truck. I find in favor of Amanda and the scooter companies of the world. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge Sean Hodgman rules that is all. Amanda, how are you feeling after your victory?

Oh, I feel pretty good. You know, my argument when I submitted the case was that as an adult 36-year-old professional woman, that I would at least just like the option to decide for myself my method of transportation at times. So, you know, we'll go from there. See what happens. Pretty exciting. And I think Pat's going to love it. And he's going to be right in behind me on that thing all the time. Pat, how are you feeling? I kind of had a feeling this is what was going to happen, but I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I mean, we're definitely getting one now. She's getting one. Maybe we'll get a sidecar. So maybe she's getting one. Maybe we'll get a sidecar. Pat, one good thing about your wife's new mod lifestyle is that whenever Christmas or an anniversary comes up and you don't know what to get her, you can always just get her more rearview mirrors.

Well, Amanda, Pat, thanks so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Club with Janet Varney is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is

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Hello, Judge John Hodgman. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You know that one, Bob O'Reilly by The Who? Teenage Wasteland! Wait a minute, where's Judge John Hodgman? All I see is Pete Townsend. Windmilling. Just windmilling. Doing donuts in my chambers on my on my on my air on chair what do you think is cooler a vespa or a lambretta i don't know lambretta i guess because vespas are truly all over the place these days i think lambretta a vintage Lambretta would be cooler than a contemporary Vespa.

But, you know, this is the thing about being a middle-aged or, you know, approaching middle-aged or just an adult person. Like, you do what you want. Worrying about what's cool is for children. Once you are 36, 40 years old, and especially once you've had a kid and got it out the house, you can do what you want. You can make a decision for yourself, become a paraglider, become a base jumper, grow a mustache, write a vote, just do like wear a fringe leather jacket. Do it, just do it. It doesn't matter to me, whatever gives you pleasure. But by the way, it's your decision. You understand that Amanda and Pat, right? If you decide to get a scooter,

you have to be careful, and I did not instruct you to... Well, I guess I did, but it was your decision. Don't get into any accidents, please. That should work. I think that's how it works, right? Because this is a

court of fake internet justice. I have no authority, and I'm going to tell you right now, I barely know any songs by The Who, and I've never seen the whole movie Quadrophenia. I just familiarized myself with it on YouTube. So if you choose to get a scooter, that's on you. Please don't get into an accident and be horribly maimed. Everything I know about the movie Quadrophenia

came from a high school girlfriend who was really into it. You know, from what I've seen, it looks like a good movie. Yeah, I bet it's fun. I mean, I really like all those rearview mirrors. I think that's pretty neat. Well, I should have probably ordered her to get a thousand

rearview mirrors just to be safe. Okay, let's go. I'm sure her safety course will cover that. Let's clear the docket. Here's something from Chris. I offer a small but significant correction to the discussion of the pop culture reference from episode 141, Martial Law. martial law. As a longtime chart nerd, I was delighted when Judge Hodgman quizzed the litigants on Dance the Kung Fu, Carl Douglas' ill-fated follow-up to his number one 1974 smash, Kung Fu Fighting. Judge Hodgman claimed Dance the Kung Fu peaked at number 35 on Billboard's Hot 100

Singles chart, but the Wikipedia page on Carl Douglas, where the judge likely researched this data point, is sadly mistaken. Oh, how did you know? Dance the Kung Fu, in fact, peaked at number 48 in early 1975. So for my fellow chart nerds, the difference between number 35 and a number 48 peak is a matter of some import. peak is a matter of some import. Had Dance the Kung Fu peaked at 35, it would go down in history as a top 40 hit, which would have kept Mr. Douglas from being termed a one-hit wonder, as he would have had more than one song counted down by the legendary Casey Kasem of America's top 40. The reason I even knew to check the judge's factoid is that I happen to reference Dance the Kung Fu in a piece I wrote on what qualifies as an artist for the one-hit-wonder designation. And since he was so nice to... I think that was probably the most polite pedantry that we've ever received.

And I appreciate his intense dedication to the esoterica of chart positions. I will buzzmark it, the link that he sent us of the piece. This is Chris's, Chris Molanfe's September 10, 2012 piece, 100 and Single, Three Rules to Define the Term, One Hit Wonder, in 2012 on the VillageVoice.com blogs page. And we will put a link for it on the Judge John Hodgman website at MaximumFun.org. Can I recommend one thing for people who are looking for mid-70s R&B songs about Kung Fu? Sure.

Rather than listen to Carl Douglas'ouglas's novelty hit everybody was kung fighting or what is it called kung fu fighting just kung fu fighting kung fu fighting that everybody's kung fu fighting with its interpolation of the the, mostly racist, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do motif. That declination of tones has a name, as an offensive cliche. Go on, go on. What's the alternative? My alternative would be to travel one year further into the past to 1974 and check out Curtis Mayfield's classic song Kung Fu

from his album Sweet Exorcist. Sweet Exorcist is a really wonderful record, and Kung Fu, the Curtis Mayfield song, is actually a truly great song rather than just a cute song or whatever you would say of the Carl Douglas song. A novelty song. Yeah, a say of the Carl Douglas song. A novelty song. Yeah.

A novel tune. A novel tune. That's a good recommendation. I wish I had thought to call on you when I was approaching this cultural reference. According to Wikipedia, that those notes that you refer to are the Oriental riff, also known as the Asian riff, that has often been used, quote, as a trope or stereotype of Orientalism in Western culture

to represent the idea of China-Japan or a generic East Asian theme. It is a Western invention dating back to the Aladdin quickstep used in an Aladdin stage show. The grand Chinese spectacle of Aladdin or the wonderful lamp I'm quoting here from Wikipedia in 1847. The notes used in the riff are part of the pentatonic scale, giving the riff a resemblance to East Asian music in the Western mind. However, while the Oriental riff is associated with Asia and usually China in particular, this generic exotic riff can sound characteristically Asian, Native American, or Old English. It represents a non-specific otherness. And again, this was all taken from the Wikipedia page tagged Oriental Riff. I give all credit to the original

authors of this page, and I look forward to Wikipedia correctors who will be writing into me soon. We'll be receiving letters directly from Edward Said. Gong! I think we should call it the theme from Long Duck Dong. Oh, no. Anything else in the docket? Yeah, we have one more thing.

This is from someone named Five. I seek an injunction against my spouse, Claire, who insists that I purchase, quote, proper winter boots, unquote. We live in downtown Toronto, where it's currently negative 12 degrees Celsius. Don't know what that means. Yeah, who knows? I mean, we can only guess. Well, what is that, about four metric tons? I don't know. Let me get out my abacus to do the proper calculations.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Next. We live in downtown Toronto where it's currently negative 12 degrees Celsius. There isn't a lot of snowfall in the city, and what little there is melts quickly. I don't enjoy any winter activities, no skating or skiing, so my time outdoors is limited to commuting to work when there's snow on the ground. The only time I have need for boots is during the winter when we visit her family who live in a rural area. During those times, I'm happy to stay indoors with a book. Note, she says she's concerned about my safety, but last year I was pressured into learning how to scuba dive,

which lists spousal pressure as a severe risk condition. Spousal pressure is a severe risk condition in scuba diving. It is the opposite reaction observed to, it is the opposite reaction to the one that we observed in the case of Pat and Amanda, where he was trying to spousally pressure her to not do something dangerous. I think the problem with spousal pressure in scuba diving is if you relieve it too quickly you can get the bends. Well I would say that your attempt to equate your wife pressuring you into scuba diving with buying boots is a false equation. As I think it is equally false to suggest that she is trying to force winter activities on you. She's not asking you to buy skates or skis. She's asking you, I think, to buy waterproof boots, shoes, galoshes that will protect you from snow and wet and damp during the winter months.

And I think that that is a reasonable thing to suggest. I would imagine that any adult male would want to have a waterproof and or snowproof shoe option in his closet, especially if he lives and walks around at all in Canada. Would you disagree, Jesse? I think that's completely a reasonable choice. I would recommend at the risk of buzz marketing a nice pair of Sorrel boots. One of their classic caribou designs,

not one of the sort of newfangled tech designs, or one of the lined versions of the L.L. Bean the classic L.L. Bean boot, the Bean boot or Maine hunting shoe. Both of them are reasonably affordable. You know, you're not going to spend more than 150 bucks and they're comfortable and work well for those situations. Yeah, they look like something that you would wear if you want to make a big deal about how you prefer to stand indoors with a book.

If you're a stuffy nerd, you can wear these things and that's appropriate to your lifestyle. Can I tell you that my wife's family has a cabin in the Sierra Mountains of Northern California that they share among their large family. So my wife's parents go up there once a year for sort of a long weekend. And I've gone up there many times with them. And one year I accidentally didn't bring any trail-appropriate boots. I don't remember why, but for some reason I just didn't even have sneakers that could get dirty. And so I was relieved of hiking duties and it was one of the most fun trips I ever had to the cabin. I think I just stayed home and read.

But I don't think that's a good lifestyle. I don't think it's a good lifestyle to do that. If it happens accidentally once, that's fine. And it's perfectly reasonable to stay home and read sometimes. But it's a real jerk move to do that as a trick. I agree. That's all we've got here on the docket. I'm sorry, I'm just totally lost now in this web page that the Wikipedia page for the Oriental Riff sent me on.

This huge, long exploration of all the evidence of the origins of the Oriental riff, I totally recommend this rat hole of Internet procrastination to any listener. Jesse, do you have anything you'd like to recommend to the listeners? I would. I'd like to recommend checking out makeyourthing.la. This is a new conference that MaximumFun.org is putting on for independent creative people here in Los Angeles. And we just launched the Kickstarter for tickets for this thing. We have this amazing lineup of presenters, all of whom are various types of independent creative person. And our goal is to make a really practical business conference

for people who make their living doing creative work independently or on a small personal scale, or folks for whom that's part of their living or who aspire to make their living that way. And we're doing it here in L.A., right near the Max Fund offices on MacArthur Park in this beautiful Art Deco hotel called the Park Plaza. And it's just going to be so cool. Just go to the Kickstarter and watch the video. Go to makeyourthing.la. If you're one of those people, I think this is going to be a really

special, amazing event if we can get enough people together who want to go to it. I think that would be an extremely valuable and fun way to spend one's time. And that MacArthur Park area that you have the offices in is fantastic. You know how I feel about that, Jesse. Oh, it's really – that's one of the things I'm most excited about the whole thing is we're going to be programming around the neighborhood and, you know, getting local food in and, you know, using local event venues. And maybe if we're lucky, we may even be able to, depending on how this Kickstarter goes, do a concert in the pavilion in the park. One way or another, if you bring your paddle boat, you can go paddle boating. Go ahead. Oh, no.

I was just going to ask, can I bring my paddle boat? Please do. Bring your paddle boat. I don't have paddle boating boots, though. Yeah, well, you know, it's your wife's family that have the paddle boating lake. I can understand how you'd want to get out of that. Do they have a paddle boat boot rental pavilion at the park? No, they don't.

So you are actually going to have to bring your own paddle boat. But people do bring their own paddle boats. There's like a paddle boat every once a year. Can I do stand? What is the thing where you stand up on a surfboard with a sail? Wake? No, not wakeboarding. Well, wakeboarding, that's with an oar, isn't it?

Where you stand up on a surfboard with an oar? No, I think wakeboarding is where you get on a surfboard and you ride behind a motorboat. What's a stand-up surfboard with an oar, long oar? Long oar boarding? Yeah. All right. That's going to be my new sport. Yeah, so go to makeyourthing.la and bring your long oar board.

And if you're tired of following me on Twitter or at Hodgman, or if you're bored of my Tumblr, which is my webpage, johnhodgman.com, or you just like an old school interaction with me where you get an actual electronic mail that I've typed with my own hands from my own desk, including a photograph of me holding a copy of that day's newspaper to prove that it was me. I now have a mailing list. I haven't had one of these since 10 years ago. And I've decided to do it again because people miss stuff on Twitter and they talk to me about how they wish they had seen that I was coming to a certain town or going to be doing a show at a certain time. And maybe this email will help.

Obviously, it's totally voluntary. But if you're interested at all, you can sign up. Bit.ly slash HodgeMail. It's like HodgeMan, H-O-D-G-M-A-I-L, where mail is a homonym for male, which is a synonym for man. That's a simple mnemonic that you can remember. Bit.ly slash HodgeMail. You'll sign up for the mailing list. I'll send you a picture of me holding a newspaper

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There are other ways to be in contact as well. If you have a dispute for the court of Judge John Hodgman that you would like to be heard on the podcast or in the pages of the New York Times Magazine, where do you go, Jesse? Maximumfund.org slash JJ Ho. J-J-H-O. And you can like us on Facebook

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Moped Operandi. Thanks, Andrew. Thanks, Andrew. Thanks, Andrew. Heck, maybe it is the former center fielder for the Atlanta Braves. After he had those bad years, maybe he changed the spelling of his first name so no one would be on to him. Start a new career of naming podcasts. It's just something I always wanted to do. Our editor is Mark McConville.

Our producer, Julia Smith. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com.

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