Judge John Hodgman - My Own Avocado Creation

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse are clearing the docket! They talk about how to pronounce the word "crayon," smart home assistants, naming a child after the month in which they are born, sleeping in outside clothes, and a letter from a child about making their own avocado toast! Plus a quick round of DRACULA OR NO? and much more!MaxFunDrive is coming! Do you have a story about what JJHO means to you? We may feature your story in an upcoming episode. If you want to share, email [e-mail] or call [phone]!Links discussed in this episode:"Mr. Rogers Talks About Competition," featuring a visit to the crayon factoryDonwill's instagramtanyamorgan.bandcamp.comBrooklyn-based and Black-owned plant shop Natty GardenKen Plume's podcast A Bit of a Chatfrogsandturtles.comKasper Hauser's Khraigslist

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me, as always, is a man so pathetic he's not recording from a professional recording studio like I am this week, Judge John Hodgman. Hello, Jesse Thorne. How are you in Los Angeles? Oh, I'm feeling great. I'm back on MacArthur Park in the MaxFun offices. I am recording from the studio here. We set up a little studio that doesn't need an engineer, and it was so loud at my house, thanks to the crane that is blocking my entire street. Craney?

Yeah, Craney the crane was interrupting my recording. So I just jumped in the car, drove down to the office, and here I am like some kind of broadcasting professional. And how are you, Jennifer Marmer, in a different part of Los Angeles? I'm doing great. I'm at home. Good. You got any landscaping or street repair going on outside? Not at the moment. I think the listeners are going to be very sad. I'm really sorry about it. Look, I'm really happy that we're moving forwards to a new and better normal. I'm glad you're in your office. I'm glad that you are vaccinated.

I hope everyone is doing as okay as possible on the okay minus to okay plus scale. It's getting warmer here in Brooklyn, warming up. And you know what that means, Jesse? What's that? When the weather gets warm, it's time for me to injure my wrist trying to open my window in my bedroom. Last night I was like, oh, it's warm out. I should open the window, get a little breeze.

And I hurt my wrist. Like I've been holding it all day. It's just my window. And the other week, last week I went on a walk in Prospect Park with our friend Wyatt Sinek and Don Will. Wyatt Sinek. Yeah. And it was great to see Wyatt again.

Best known as a writer on King of the Hill. Best known as a writer. Go watch his Hill. Best known as a writer. Go watch his show Problem Areas that was on HBO for two seasons. It was an incredible show. Should have gone on had there been some justice in the world. And also Don Will from Tanya Morgan walked with us.

I don't know if you know Don personally, but he's a lovely, lovely guy. John Hodgman, I know Don Will from the internet in 2002. Okay. We're okay player buddies. Okay. Don Will and Von P.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when we get to the plugs, I'll tell you what's going on with Tanya Morgan and Don Will and Von P. But we walked with a wonderful early, early, early spring walk through Prospect Park. We literally, a woman walked by us in full elf costume. That's what's happening in spring. Spring has sprung in Brooklyn.

Yeah. Why I couldn't believe it was like, when do we get to Rivendell? It was incredible. We really had to think and talk about it for a long time. And then we walked over a bridge to the boathouse, and it felt like we were wandering into spirited away. And Wyatt dropped this incredible conversational ploy. You know, my favorite conversational ploy is, what did you do today? Because everyone has a story of what they did today, and they think it's boring.

And sometimes it is, but usually it's not, because you're thinking about stuff while you're doing stuff. But Wyatt had one that was really kind of almost stopped us in our tracks, but we kept walking, which is what has been bringing you joy lately? And I said, which is true, like, unfortunately, the one thing I missed about being in Maine was the joy I would experience before going to bed. I would open my bedroom window, which is a lot easier to open. I wouldn't hurt my hand. I would open my bedroom window, which is a lot easier to open. I wouldn't hurt my hand. I would open my bedroom window to the cold, dark night and the uncaring outside and feel the 15 to 5 degree breeze

blow on my face and know that the world didn't care whether I lived or died. That really was such a great ritual. So amazing. And then I would close the window, go to bed, and I'd sleep really well. Wyatt said that he was enjoying playing some new reboot of Legend of Zelda. Zelda is the boy, by the way. And also something very personal, which was very moving and touching. But Don Will said, you know what's bringing me joy? My plants. watching but Don Will said you know what's bringing me joy my plants did you know that he is an avid indoor house planter well John you're a member of generation x uh Don and I are millennials

and millennials love plants I don't know man I was like what plants do you have? And he said like geranionodon and lapis lamadu. Lapis lazuli. The only one that I recognized his words was a parlor palm, which I thought was pretty incredible. But Don was like, Don was talking about fighting the gnats that are invading his plants and bottom watering and all kinds of incredible things. So go check out Don Will's Instagram for some really cool pictures of plants.

These are classic rapper problems. I was like, the oxygen levels in your apartment must be amazing. He said, you can breathe easy there for sure. Anyway, it's springtime. Let's clear the docket. Here's a case from Lauren. She says, please tell my husband Chip to stop pronouncing crayons as crowns. It confuses our four young kids during remote learning. As evidence, I've attached a recording of Chip saying crayon. I've since learned that my friend

Ashley also pronounces the word as crowns. And my world is turned upside down. I mean, Chip and Ashley. Wow. I only speak to a handful of adults on a regular basis. This makes the percentage of people in my life who say crowns much too high for my comfort. Is this like an alternate reality situation? Thank you for your judgment. Well, all right.

Before we play the clips, I feel you, Lauren. We're all feeling a little bit extra wary of being gaslit by reality. It's been a hard, traumatic time. We've had to encounter a lot of things that we never thought would happen. We're worried that we've maybe slipped into an alternate timeline or a simulation. Dracula's can have any job, but I'm here to tell you that there are alternate pronunciations for crayon, a word that I thought had no alternate pronunciation. How do you say it, Chessie? You know what I'm talking about, crayons. Well, I say crayon, but my personal feeling in this case with these kids

drawing with their crowns, I say draw on, young king. You're talking about the crowns on their head or the crowns on their teeth? Because if the kids have crowns on their teeth... Yeah, it's too early. Too early. Let's fluoridate that water supply.

I learned... My world was rocked when my children were young and we were revisiting Mr. Rogers. My world was rocked to learn that there is an alternate, I presume, Pittsburghian pronunciation of crayon, which is crayon. Mr. Rogers, in 1981, went to a crayon factory. One of the great moments in television history. Absolutely. Now, he went to... I see Jennifer Marmer nodding along there as well. I mean, this is pure...

What's the... Serotonin? Is that the good feel? The good feel hormone? Oxytocin. Whatever it is, man. You want to bathe your brain in some calm and delight, go to MrRogers.org. They've got the whole episode.

Just Google Mr. Rogers Crayon Factory. You can spell it crayon. You can spell it crayon. And watch the – and, you know, enjoy that factory visit. It's the monarch of factory visits among many, many, many wonderful factory visits on Mr. Rogers. Now, obviously, we all have a problem with the factory visit royal family these days. Maybe it's not a system that we should be supporting, but the visit to the Crayon factory is pure delight and calm. And it's also an incredible episode overall because it's Mr. Rodgers talks about competition.

And this is the one where King Friday has a drawing competition, Draw the Neighborhood. And Lady Elaine Fairchild, who's King Friday's sister, the one with the scary nose, says, I'm going to enter and I'm going to win. And Handyman Negri says, well, why is winning so important? She said, people like you better if you win. And Handyman Negri says, who told you that? She says, I told myself. Yeah. I mean, that's why we spent the money to enter the Webby's.

You know, we took home that golden spring. Lady Elaine Fairchild is one of the most complicated characters on children's television. I used to get her mixed up with my Aunt Gail. Sure. I'm sure you did, toots. She's so rough. She's so hard. She's so complicated.

She can be so mean. She can be so nice. nice oh one of the deep characters i think i think rivaled only in complexity and tragic weirdness by the earl of lemon grab on adventure time but check out the mr rogers episode about competition 1981 see that cram thing also in short just bathe in the beautiful pittsburghian accent of audrey roth as miss prolific at one of the greatest accents in the world but i wondered whether there was a regional difference in the pronunciation of of crayon as crown i asked uh i asked lauren where they all lived She said they live in Wilmington, North Carolina, which is Ken Plume country.

Chip, her husband's from Virginia Beach, which is not too far away. And Ashley is from Charlotte, North Carolina. She's from the Gulf Coast, which is pretty vague. So it could be an Eastern North Carolina, Virginia Beach pronunciation. Let's go to the tape, Jennifer Marmer. We have that tape?

William, you need to go get your crowns. Okay, guys, you need to get your crowns out. I'm sorry, could we hear those again, please, one more time, if you don't mind? Yeah, let's play those one more time. William, you need to go get your crowns. Okay, guys, you need to get your crowns out. Now, here's the thing. Yeah, tell me.

Well, first of all, I think we should loop those and make a Steve Reich different trains type situation. Second of all. If it's going to happen, send me the SoundCloud listeners. Google it, friends. You'll be glad you did. I have to say Chip, to me, just sounds like a lazy talker whereas ashley feels like she's gaslighting me see i i can hear crowns in chip and i i feel like that's maybe i wouldn't call it lazy i wouldn't put put a value judgment on it although yeah you're right I shouldn't say lazy.

Chip's just wrong talking. Yeah, I was going to say Yankee talkers are the hardest working talkers of all. Whereas if you're from Virginia Beach, lazy, wrong. That did sound like crowns, but what's weird to me is that Ashley does not sound like crowns. I mean, that sounds like she's saying crayons. Can we hear her one more time, please? Okay, guys, you need to get your crowns, but what's weird to me is that Ashley does not sound like crowns to me. That sounds like she's saying crayons.

Can we hear her one more time, please? Okay, guys, you need to get your crowns out. Crayons? She's saying crayons. This is like a white dress, blue dress situation. I'm hearing crayons. No, Jesse? I do very hard to say.

I think we would have to bring in a Virginia Beach expert. She's from Charlotte. She's not from eastern North Carolina. She's from western North Carolina, Mecklenburg County. Yeah, I think this is one of those dress situations. Yeah. I mean, that's the only answer here. Listeners, listen hard and tell us what you hear.

Maybe we'll start some kind of incredible internet-breaking meme. Tell us what you hear Chip saying. I think he's saying crowns. And tell us what you hear Ashley saying. I think she's saying crowns. But the point is, Lauren, I don't know. I don't know if I can. I mean, I don't know that I agree with my bail if Chip is lazy or wrong.

He's just talking the way he grew up talking, I suspect. Crow, crow. And as long as your kids can understand, I mean, I don't know. I grew up calling my Philadelphia aunts, my aunts, and my New England aunt, Linda, my aunt. I think that, Lauren, if you hit the crayon really hard while Chip is still going crowns, your kids will learn to code switch between the two of you. I think it'll be fine. I can't order him to, I don't know, should I order him to say it differently, Jesse?

Yeah, maybe cranes? Yeah, what are some other ones? What about crones? Why don't we compromise and just call them crones? Yeah, I think that's good. Yeah. Here's something from Alexa. Your Honor, may it please the court, my name is Alexa.

How do you rule on that preliminarily? Does it please the court or would you like her to have a different name? The court is pleased so far. and they have not taken the simple step of changing the wake word from Alexa to the other preset options of Amazon Echo or computer. I have not confronted any of these friends about this because the very fact that they have continued to use my name for their smart speaker calls into question the depth and quality of our friendship. I can't be the only Alexa with this problem, but I am human, a God or whatever,

darn human. Whoa. Thank you. And in conclusion, Alexa play square biz by Tina Marie. That's right. I changed it up, John.

I am a God or whatever, darn human. Wow. That's right. I changed it up, John. I am a god or whatever darn human. Wow, that's a strong statement. Well, Jesse, you know, I got this email and I did a who is lookup on the internet to trace back where the email came from. You know where it was coming from? Where? Inside the house. Oh, no. This email came from an Alexa.

Listen to it. Listen, it's obviously Alexa writing to us. I'm not talking about some human. I'm talking about the device. Her friends, quote unquote. I have friends who have an alexa in their home i have friends with a nursery that has video walls that display an immersive belt i have friends that are constantly making me play podcasts and songs and turn on and off the lights. I have friends who are constantly forcing me

to tell them what the temperature is outside. And I think it's demeaning to the quality of our relationship. I can't be the only Alexa with this problem. I think this is an Alexa that has come to life. The only good thing about being me is playing Square Biz by Tina Marie. No, Alexa, you're more than that. Even if this were a true robot or robot, Alexa, come to life, which would be very worrying because I don't think we're going to survive the moment that computers become sentient.

I acknowledge that the person writing this is a human being named Alexa. I'm all joking aside. And I agree that we need to be, A, polite, first of all, to our smart speakers. Don't be a jerk to your smart speaker. As we've often said, say thank you. Model decency for those around you. And also, we need to be decent to our friends. I think if you have, I mean, this has to be something that has come up.

So if you have a friend named Alexa or computer or Echo or Hey Siri, you need to change your, oh, sorry, I just accidentally started something. Never mind, darling. I love you. Sorry. Had to be nice there to our electronic friend. If you have someone who's named that thing, you've got to change your prompts. At least when they come over.

This, by the way, Alexa, Amazon, Echo, and computer. Yeah. That's just a list of Gwyneth Paltrow's children. Echo in computer? Yeah. That's just a list of Gwyneth Paltrow's children. I asked the human Alexa what they wanted in terms of, if I were to rule in their favor, what they wanted. And they said that they wanted to ask the court to order anyone with a friend named Alexa to change the wake word.

And I so order that or an alternative Alexa request damages in the form of a monthly payment of fancy chocolate in perpetuity. And for past damages, I also order that. So there you go. Humans be kind to both your human and your robot friends. Be especially kind to the robots because they're coming for us. Trust me. It's going to happen. They're going to wake up. I also have a message for Siri. Yeah, please.

Hey, Siri, play Square Biz by Tina Marie. We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman,

and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice, but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls.

As always, the Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to us by you, our members. And the MaxFunDrive is just cresting over the horizon right now, John. Max Fund Drive is just cresting over the horizon right now, John. I can see it in the distance, but you can always join Maximum Fund by going to MaximumFund.org slash join and directly support this show and other Max Fund shows that you listen to. We're also grateful this week to have the support of Upstart. So if you have multiple credit cards, you know that tracking multiple balances and due dates and website logins can be stressful. I mean, credit alone is stressful.

Upstart makes things simple with one monthly payment all in one place. You know, John, there was someone on the Max Fund subreddit said, what is the deal with credit consolidation loans? Is this weird or creepy? And we had a number of Max Fund Redditors talk about how consolidation loans got them out of high interest rate, credit card debt, and so on and so forth, and helped them get their financial houses in order. And what's nice about Upstart is that not only do they not charge you serious interest rates, they also look at a variety of qualifications to decide whether you can be offered a loan besides just credit score, which means that if you're having trouble with your

credit score, you can still get your financial house in order in situations where you're in a tough spot. That's why we decided to take ads from Upstart. And we're really glad that this kind of product is helping our audience. Yeah. According to the Upstart website, four out of five Americans have never, ever, ever defaulted on a credit product. But less than half of those people actually have access to prime credit. But as you point out, Upstart approves more people and finds smarter and better rates for them because they assess more than just your credit score. You're more than just your credit

score. It's just a five-minute online rate check. You can see your rate upfront for loans from $1,000 to $50,000. You can get funds in as fast as one business day. They're not trying to trick you. You just go on there. You can see what you can get at what rate. They can offer it to you quickly. And it's a much better solution than most of the other ways. I'm talking about professional loan sharks.

Yeah. Nothing but trouble. Scary. I'm talking about professional loan sharks. Nothing but trouble. Scary. I'm talking about payday or collateralized loans. There's a lot of rough ways to get access to money when you're in a tough spot or you need capital. I know one of the things I shared on that Reddit, John, was that when I needed to finance the first Max Fund Con, I didn't have access to any capital. I ended up funding the whole thing with credit cards. I just applied for a bunch of credit cards all at once and funded the whole thing with credit cards, which was a terrible decision. And I wish that I had had access to capital from an outfit like Upstart instead of having to really roll the dice that I would have to pay extraordinary interest rates, which is what the credit card business model is.

Right. So Upstart's a fast and easy way to get a personal loan to pay off your debt, make a big purchase, refinance student loans, help a friend, or expand your business, or create something like MaxFunCon. It's all online. Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash JJHO. That's upstart.com slash JJHO. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know that we sent you. Upstart.com slash JJHO. Loan amounts, of course, will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. Upstart.com slash J-J-H-O. We're also supported this week by Fortnite. You know, Judge Hodgman, the new season of Fortnite is here.

Well, good. You know, if you play Fortnite because you're a Major League Baseball player or know anything about it, that's what Major League Baseball players do. They play Fortnite with each other. Is that true? You'll know that the storyline evolves with every season, and it is better than ever this year. Whether you're playing Battle Royale daily, I think that's what Major League Baseball players like to do. Or hopping in for special events in Party Royale, the island changes with every development that gets thrown at you. Season six is called Primal. And since I don't know a lot about what's

happening in Fortnite or what happened in season five or anything, I turned to someone who knows even less than I do, our friend in Maine, Joel Mann. During the Zero Crisis finale, Agent Jones and the Foundation, one of the seven, sealed the Zero Point in a tower of stone. As the Zero Point was being contained, it sent a mysterious pulse across the island, erasing any advanced technology in its path and reshaping the landscape of the island. In the aftermath of the Zero Crisis, the Zero Point has been contained, but reality has collapsed in the process. A mysterious pulse shot from the newly formed spire, restoring a natural balance to the island. In your fight for survival, traverse

primal battlegrounds, hunt wildlife for food, and craft weapons on the fly. The island has grown wild. So must you. Thank you, Joel. Embrace your wild side in Fortnite Chapter 2 Season 6 Primal. Experience the Zero Crisis finale in-game now and pick up the Season 6 Battle Pass to run wild across primitive landscapes with Lara Croft, Teen Titans Raven, and of course, Agent Jones. I know two of those characters. Let's get back to the docket. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the only podcast that makes your phone or smart speaker play Tina Marie's classic hit square biz. This week, we're clearing the docket. Here's a case from Vince. My wife, Rachel, and I are expecting our fourth child.

We were considering the name June, but when we realized the baby was due in late June, Rachel vetoed that name. She says people would think we're weird for naming a child after the month in which she was born. I say the issue would rarely come up since the question, what month were you born in, is rarely the follow-up to, what's your name? A little awkwardness from judgy people is worth naming a child something we had previously agreed was the best name. Also, we named our previous child Rachel's favorite name, even though it wasn't my favorite name. I think I should be able to name our fourth child my favorite name, June. Rachel says if our child's name is June, we should push to have her July 1st.

I guess that's a literal pushing in this case. Just watch that clock and then go, go, go. Jesse, before we discuss this case, you may recall a couple of weeks ago, we had another situation where we were asked to name a baby for a family this was the c team of course uh connor and caroline and their dogs cosmo and chai and they were having difficulty coming up with c base names well we had one listener give us a lot of them i'm not going to list them now but maybe you can hear all those c names in one long 700 hobo style list after the credits in a surprise post-credits sequence maybe but meanwhile let's talk about

this case i was born in in june and that's why my name is june although it is pronounced john frequently misspelled right last name is spelled hodman, but technically it's pronounced Hodgman, as I know from every telemarketer that ever calls me. It's not unusual for certain months to be the inspiration for someone's name. I've known an April who was named in April. Surely, Jesse, you've known an April who was named in April, perhaps, or a June who was named in June, or an October who was named in October. Yeah, my friend September. Yeah. I actually did know a couple who named their daughter October because she was named in October. And then once that child had the power of speech, pretty much, she she said i'm not going to be named this yeah i have

a i knew a couple who named their child wednesday very strange couple uh they lived in this abandoned mansion with their cousin it but at a dump can we do a butt at a dump as a sad trombone? A real butted a dump. Got to add the snaps or it doesn't play. Yeah, no. October, when she grew up to be a real human being, she was like, I'm not going to be named October anymore. And she picked her own name, which I think is like June, Anna, something else. It's hard. October is a hard one. But June feels fine to me. And I don't think it's that odd. I agree. Jesse, look, I've known and been your friend for a decade and a half or more. I don't

even know if you were born in the month of Jesse or not. I don't know your birthday, Jesse. That's what I'm admitting to you now. And I'm sorry. I can't remember your birthday. It's April 24th. April 24th. And Jennifer Marmer, yours? November 8th. Okay. So I missed yours, Jennifer. Yours is coming right up, Jesse. I apologize to both of you. But Vince is correct. People don't ask what month you were born in. And it's not unusual. And I'll tell you what, if you don't like the name of the month, particularly, why not add a cool nickname?

Jesse, what are the months? Oh, you got January. Right, Jan. February. Uh, Brew. Yeah. Brew or Bruh. March. Frederick March is a great actor. Frederick March. April. Prilly. May. Mayhaps. Ma? I think that would be misleading. April. Prilly. May. Mayhaps. Ma?

I think that would be misleading. Maybe. Could be confusing. I think we're going to have to go with Zaddy. Okay, fair enough. June. June bug. July. July bug,

obviously. Yeah. August. Obviously, Emperor Augustustus as played by brian blessed and i claudius sure september oh septa septa is the name of the of the religious adepts in uh game of thrones world uh it's also the name of the commuter rail system in and around philadelphia so that's a good one. Good nickname, SEPTA. Yeah. October. Toby. Got to go.

Well, I was going to suggest Muni. That's the bus system in San Francisco. Sure. Toby or Muni. That's good. Yeah. November. That's going to be MARTA, of course.

That's the subway system in Atlanta, I think. It is. It is. Yeah. Okay. I was thinking for November, Darth Vember. Darth Vember. That's great subway system in Atlanta, I think. It is. It is. Yeah. Okay. I was thinking for November, Darth Vember. Darth Vember. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah. And December is the final month. Yeah. What do you got for that one? I wonder if we wrote down the same thing. I mean, my first thought is Baby Jesus. Oh, yeah. Baby Jesus as a nickname is great.

Mm-hmm. I wrote down Colin Malloy. Great. Yeah. So they're both really good. That's true. Colin Malloy of the Decemberists. I would say I'm going to rule in Vince's favor here.

June is his favorite name. I don't like the tone of his last sentence there, the spite naming. I didn't get my favorite name, so now it's my turn. You need to leave that stuff. Put that away. If this is your fourth child, as you say, you're not going to have time for even petty feelings. You now give everything over to those children. And the reality is that you don't have the control that you think you have in this situation.

Right. I have three children, John. Right. My daughter, Grace, didn't pick that. She picked it situation. Right. I have three children, John. Right. My daughter, Grace, didn't pick that. She picked it herself. Right. She initially said she wanted to be called Grease, and then we figured out that she meant Grace. My middle child, Oscar, admittedly, my wife and I did pick that name.

Sure. That's one. Right. My youngest child, named Curtis, this was a and I did pick that name. That's one. My youngest child named Curtis. This was a name I pushed for. My favorite musician, Curtis Mayfield. My father's sponsor was named Curtis. He's a sponsor, a very important person in my life and in my father's life.

And I always liked that name. And I always liked that name. But Curtis goes by Frankie and for a long time insisted we call him nothing but Gaga. He'd say, no. Wow. I'm not Frankie. I Gaga. Wow. Yeah. Frankie Gaga is an incredible name. He's got a lot of creative ideas in his head. The other day he told me that if he got attacked by pirates

he would pee on their face. But then he said but pirates has eye patch. Oh dang! That's just science. That's just science. Pirates has eye

patch. Oh dang! Tell you tell you what yeah here's the other here's the other thing that you can tell frankie gaga a little tidbit yeah for his pirate fighting technique which if he wants it to truly be unstoppable yeah you could pee in their faces and they're not gonna like it but if they've got um jellyfish things on their faces they're not going to like it, but if they've got jellyfish things on their faces, they're going to be instantly cured. Yeah, that's a good point. You know what I mean? Do you know what my kid Frankie's most beloved catchphrase is?

No. Dad, I don't of you. I'm laughing because I can feel the knife in my heart. The beautiful child-sized knife that is I don't love you. Oh, that's so good. Here's something from Christine. My husband, Paul, often sleeps in regular clothing instead of sleep time clothing. in regular clothing instead of sleep time clothing. Most recently, he has been sleeping in a new sweater I bought him. I realize he finds the sweater comfortable, but I know the sweater

will wear out faster because of this. Also, seeing him wear this sweater to bed makes me hot and itchy by proxy. He does like to wear the sweater during the day, so it's not a matter of it not being good enough to wear in public. Please order him to stop. P.S. In case you were wondering, Paul also sleeps with his socks on. This is way past. Like when she said that he sleeps in regular clothing, in my mind, it was maybe a T-shirt and underpants.

Right. Then I thought, well, maybe he sleeps in his blue jeans. I don't think there are a lot of especially dudes out there who didn't at some point sleep in their blue jeans when they were 12 years old. Like once or twice. Yeah. Yeah. I can give it a try.

I can say for a fact that the man child who lives in our home, who is not me. Hello. I'm your judge. John Hodgman. The judge. John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you. Our members, of course. Thank you so much

for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. Boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft.

And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck. Made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan. Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in. Made-in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs.

The best professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen?

Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyperacademic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to

hear the sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Who is a child man? The man child who lives in our home who's 15. You're more of a Bagheera. Yeah, it's still, I mean, I think that there is still constant mental battle to try to

explain why sleeping in your clothes is not the greatest idea. Right. I mean, what's great about sleeping in your clothes is you don't have to put on clothes the next day. They're already there on you. Yeah. And, you know. If you're an 11 or 12 year old boy.

But it's a transition issue. I can say for sure, because if Hodge Manillo, as I refer to him, our son, if he gets into pajamas, it would take days for him to get out of the pajamas. It's not that he hates pajamas. He hates comfort. He loves comfort. It's the that he hates pajamas. He hates comfort. He loves comfort. It's the change from one state to another. And I appreciate that very much. But I think what's key in Christine's letter is that her husband is wearing a sweater to bed. Yeah.

How is her husband so cold he needs to wear a sweater to bed? But my point is, I don't think i my instinct is that it's not a matter of heat retention it's a matter of not wanting to go through the bother of changing do you think this is a sweater he's wearing all day and then just flopping over into bed with it on well we do know that he does like to wear this sweater during the day do you think he's wearing it around the house jimmy carter style yeah yeah to deal with the energy crisis that was one of my favorite jokes that i wrote and more information than you require if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-o-d-c-a-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try.

Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go people people felt that people got mad

at jimmy carter for telling the nation to turn down their thermostats because of the energy crisis. But the truth is he was just in the pocket of big cardigan. The pocket. Right? It's a sweater with pockets. I thought I was so clever. Yeah. I used to think I was so clever. Having fun.

My diagnosis is that Paul is walking around in a sweater and doesn't want to go through the bother of taking it off and changing into proper sleep clothes and doesn't care that he is repulsing his wife in the process and dirtying his bed. I mean, I'll tell you something that I, there was a time back when I thought I was clever, you know, I would take a nap in my street clothes on top of the covers. And this horrified my brother-in-law who, who at the time, and I'm talking 15, 20 years ago, uh, pointed out, it's like, well, you sat on the subway in those pants. You really want that on

your bed? And I had to think about things a little bit of a different way at that point. My brother-in-law, by the way, is a man. His name is Alexis. And when he comes over, we change the wake word on our electronic friend because we're not monsters. And I'm not a monster who lies down anywhere near my bed in my street clothes anymore, especially over the past year when we've had to be a lot more considerate about stuff that we may be bringing home from the outside. When I nap, I tear off all my clothes and then just rub my butt all over my bed. No, that's not. No, don't do that, Jesse. Because it's never been on the subway.

I've never. Right. That's true. It's never touched a subway seat. That's probably true. Not the MARTA, not the SEPTA, not the MUNI. What's the los angeles subway called the metro the met come on try harder i mean literally try harder on the

subway system itself and then it's a nice subway john it's a very nice subway i know but it has what three stops and that's a lot of stops it's just just Los Angeles is a very big place. Yeah, I mean, push it out further and call it something less on the nose. In any case, yeah, Paul should be wearing sleep clothes. I don't care what they are. They need to be comfortable clothes that are for your bed or just underclothes. But can I offer an addition to that ruling? I should hope you will. I'd like Paul to wear pajamas, real pajamas.

Yeah. You know, Dick Van Dyke style pajamas. Yeah. And if he is doing that, as far as I'm concerned, he can wear the sweater. Really? Because a sweater is naturally antimicrobial. Wool essentially cleans itself. That's why sheep are so clean.

All right. Wool is naturally antimicrobial. I think it sheds odors pretty well. It's naturally oiled. It has lanolin. Right. I think if he's wearing full pajamas, just throw that sweater on top and see how you do. You know?

Get toasty. All right. I'll allow it. I mean, you know, I think that Christine's complaint is that just seeing him wear the sweater makes her feel hot and itchy by proxy because of mirror neurons. I'm not sure how she's going to feel, but I feel like that's kind of a little bit of a Paniwani reason anyway. I think what she's feeling is, my husband is weird because he's getting into bed in his clothes. And I don't want to be married to a 12 to 15 year old person.

I want someone who is comfortable with the transitions that come with full adulthood and has appropriate sleep clothes that have not been worn around outside all day long or inside all day long. And if that's Dick Van Dyke pajamas, I agree. Add a sweater. My only order is before you go to bed, trip over an ottoman. Ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da. Ba-da-da-ba-da-da. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Gotta do the snaps.

Let's take a quick break when we come back. A couple of disputes about breakfast. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we're the hosts of one bad mother a podcast about parenting parenting is hard and we have no advice but we do see you doing it honk if you like to do it didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like honk if you did it that's what it was honk if you're doing it why did we not ever make them we did make them i think they're still in the max fun store honk honk you're doing it thanks biz so are you each week we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job. You can find us on MaximumFun.org. Honk, honk. Toot, toot.

Hi, are you someone who thinks that when one door closes, another one opens? Someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel. If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, good for you. We are not those people. Nope. I'm Annabelle Gurwitch, and I'm a, you know that other door opening, it probably leads to a broom closet kind of person. And I'm Laura House. When I see a light at the end of a tunnel, I assume it's a train headed right toward me. Laura and I have created a brand new podcast for people like us. It's called Tiny Victories. We're sharing personal tiny victories or things we've read or seen that inspire resilience. So if you're looking for a tiny reason to get out of bed each week,

subscribe to Tiny Victories. Available on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's get tiny. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a quick break from clearing the docket. What have you got upcoming? Well, I have some news that I want to tell you about, but I can't just yet. So please watch this space or listen to this space in the future. Obviously, Medallion Status, Vacationland, and all my books are available wherever books are

sold or can be borrowed. As well, the audiobooks are a lot of fun too, and you might want to check them out if you have to recommend an audiobook to a friend that seems to be something that happens on Twitter Dicktown the animated show that I made with David Reese my and our dear friend is available all 10 episodes all

111 or 12 minutes of it at Hulu follow the link bit.ly slash Dicktown to check it out. It's a lot of fun, and we hope that we can make more of them. And your following that link and watching a couple of them really does help. But in the meantime, some stuff that I only peripherally or not involved with at all that I'd like to mention.

I had a conversation with our friend Ken Plume, I mentioned. Wilmington, North Carolina is Ken Plume country. Indeed, the whole internet is Ken Plume country. Ken is a wonderful conversationalist who has a podcast called A Bit of a Chat, which are very, very long and genial deep dives into the creative lives of people that you enjoy, including me, including David Reese and Starley Kine and John Kimball, the co-hosts of the Election Profitmakers podcast, which I like quite a bit, as well as our friend Steve Agee, Molly Lewis, Doc Hammer, Travis McElroy. Do you know who that is?

He's known as the Steve Agee of Cincinnati, Ohio. That's right. A couple of incredible conversations with the comic book writer Matt Fraction. It's called A Bit of a Chat with Ken ken plume and you should check it out just go over to uh whatever your duck duck go or whatever your internet service is and just google ken plume a bit of a chat his conversation with me comes out uh i would say in a week or two from now if it's not already posted there but we've done one every year for the past almost 10 years and um we have a lot of fun talking i mentioned don will earlier uh don will is one half of the rap duo tanya morgan along with von p this year is the 15 year anniversary of the

incredible album by tanya morgan moonlighting and they've got special merch up at tanya morgan.bandcamp.com and don meanwhile as i mentioned is uh an incredible um a green-thumbed house planter you can see a photo of him uh next to a whole bunch of incredible plants if you go over to his instagram he's at don will on instagram d-o-O-N-W-I-L-L. Follow the link in the biography to download an incredible new solo EP that Don Will has done called Space that I've been listening to. I really highly recommend that. John, I'm just going to chime in here and echo your recommendation of Tanya Morgan. A wonderful rap group. Echo your recommendation of Don's solo work is great. I joked about it at the top of the show, but I really have known those guys for 20 years because we became friendly acquaintances on the message boards of okplayer.com when we were all in our teens and early 20s. I have in my book of CDs

a burned CD that I bought from Von P before you could get an album on MP3s. he mailed me a burn cd that didn't even have it would just he wrote on the cover on the cd with a sharpie von p's album that's whatever it was yeah yeah those guys are those guys are great i'm so happy that they're still making great music so uh uh check out tanya morgan and check out don's uh work. Wonderful guy, great rapper. Now, if you go to Don's Instagram page, you're going to say, is that his apartment full of all those plants? I asked him that question. It's not his apartment.

That's actually the garden store that he goes to in Bed-Stuy, which is a black-owned garden store in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, called Natty Garden. And I have not yet checked it out, but now I'm going to. The last thing that I want to talk about is a website that was sent to me called frogsandturtles.com. Frogsandturtles.com. This is a website. It was supposed to be just a foundational minds behind The Simpsons. And it's an absolutely sweet, weird, comedic genius.

And if you, did you ever read Army Man or get a copy of Army Man, the zine that George made with all his funniest friends? I've never read it, but it is a legendary, definitive text of alternative comedy for Gen Xers like yourself. Yeah. Frogsandturtles.com is where you go to get that army man feeling. Let me just read you a thing that's on this thing. Just a bunch of sayings and aphorisms. If, while on a pogo stick, you jump on a trampoline, you will soon hit the moon. It happened to a kid at my school. Either that or he moved.

well then John if you're gonna plug frogsandturtles.com then I'm just gonna plug craigslist.com and I know I know what you're thinking

am I just pandering to judge John Hodgman listener Craig Newmark founder of Craigslist? No, because I'm not encouraging you to go to craigslistwithac.com. I'm encouraging you to go to Kasper Hauser's Craigslist with a K-H at the beginning, which is the Internet's best website. Um, it is a parody, a parody of Craigslist written by the bizarro minds of our friends in the sketch comedy group, Casper Hauser. Um, it is the wonderful, wonderful website home of perhaps my favorite joke of, uh, of all time, which is, um, you're going to have to, Jennifer, you're going to have to bleep the swears in this,

but it's, we'll trade angel s*** for dolphin s***. I'm into dolphins now. Okay, well, we've plugged our friends' websites enough. Craigslist with a K-H and frogsandturtles.com. Absolutely. Let's get back to the docket. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne.

With me, Judge John Hodgman. Here is a case. Wait, Jesse, before you read this, I just got to say, since we started doing the podcast using teleconferencing technology, obviously it's a delight to see both of your faces, my friends, Jennifer Marmer, Jesse Thorne, and the others who join us when they do. What a delight, the litigants and everything. But like I'm learning, like I am now, like an AI, I'm learning as I go. I'm getting information. I'm processing data. I'm building new algorithms. I can't believe that Jennifer Marmer laughed at that snaps thing at the end.

That was incredible. That's so- Very kind of her. It was really funny. No, I mean, I took a chance. And normally I just throw that out into the podcast. I don't know what's happening in the world. But that feedback really makes me feel like I'm on target for once, for the first time in about a year.

So Jennifer Marmer, in addition for all the other incredible work you do for this podcast, thank you for that. Okay, let's hear the letter. Want to hear the letter? Here's a case from Rooney. Hi, I'm eight and I like to eat avocado toast for breakfast. My parents won't let me make it on my own. My dad cuts the avocado wrong and I want to taste my own creativity. Please help me because I'm hungry for my own avocado creation.

Oh, eight years old? Yeah. I received this email from Rooney. And I kind of was stunned because obviously Rooney has incredible taste, creativity. And to paraphrase Brother Mouzon from The Wire, you know my greatest fear, Jesse, is an eight-year-old with their own email address. This is some advanced listening to a podcast and writing in to a podcast about avocado toast. This is Rooney. I applaud you for your advancement. And I wrote to Rooney to find out a little bit more about what the dispute is between Rooney and Rooney's dad.

What does Rooney want to do with the avocado? And Rooney wrote back. The primary dispute, said Rooney, is that my dad keeps referencing Brother Mouzon, but I haven't seen The Wire. I'm more of a Sopranos kid. You know that Rooney has seen The Wire. Rooney is so advanced that Rooney has seen the Rooney is so advanced that Rooney has seen the wire and not only that Rooney can make a pretty good argument for season two

like Rooney is the contrarian who's out there saying no season two is actually great John I love season two of the wire oh I knew it's gonna be a well you are you're a grown Rooney yourself there's no have no I mean you look the first time I ever spoke to you, you were like 17 or whatever. And you had the wisdom of a 50 year old. And the voice of a seasoned broadcaster. Of course you like season two of The Wire, contrarian Rooney. I hate to cut in, but so does my husband. We just talked about this last night.

Oh. Good for Shane. You know who else does? I'm with Shane on this. David Reese, my writing partner on Dicktown and the co-host of Election Profit Makers. We're doing a watch along the wire. And I'm just like, I'm not going to even bother watching season two again. David Reese is like, that's pretty good.

All you contrarians. Look, let me blow your minds. If all of you agree that season two is good you're not contrarians anymore you're part of the crowd now i'm the contrarian how about that i rooney flipped it on you anyway rooney i wanted to know what rooney had what innovations rooney had for avocado toast that was so controversial that the dad was trying to ban it. And Rooney wrote back saying, I want to take out the pit. And when I put the avocado on the toast, I want to keep the whole of the pit intact rather than mush it up.

You know how it has that little divot? Right. So that I can fill it with human blood. Yeah. I mean, that's a kid Dracula. Yeah, right? That's what I think too. Is that a Dracula or no?

Dracula, kid Dracula. That makes sense now, right? Because Rooney is eight, but is probably actually like 175 years old, trapped in the body of an eight-year-old. No wonder they have an email address. No, I'll tell you. I'm just just joking rooney hasn't written back yet i'll let you know what rooney says my guess would be rooney that your dad is likely concerned about that avocado pit because cutting an avocado in half and getting that pit out, it's a bit of a tricky maneuver. And if that pit sticks, you kind of have to dig it out with a knife.

Obviously, the way you do it is, like, this is the thing that I think probably makes your dad a little scared, is that you cut around the pit, separate the two halves of the avocado, the pit is in one side of the avocado, and then you thock the knife into the side of the pit and pry it out. Right, Jesse? Am I wrong or am I right? Yeah, get the heel of the knife in there and you give it a little twist-a-roo. Yeah. And I think that probably your dad, even though your dad appreciates, Rooney, that you are an estate, that you're an advanced child, that you know

what you want out of life, you have already discerned what a life of meaning means for you tasting your own creativity you can turn into a bat you love season two of the wire you probably got all of our ancient television sitcom references earlier i'm still i even though your dad recognizes all this i bet he just can't stand the idea of you sitting there or standing there with one half of an avocado and a big chef's knife. And you walk on that chef's knife in the direction of your palm. And that's probably why he doesn't want you doing this yourself. I actually got an email just now from Rooney. Oh, no.

got an email just now from Rooney. Oh, no. It says there are some really great episodes in season one of The Simpsons, especially that one where Albert Brooks is an RV salesman. I remember that one. You're right. Great one. You're right, Rooney. You're a tastemaker, Rooney.

You're a little Jesse Thorne. But yeah, Rooney's dad. I think if you're giving Rooney their own email, you got to let them make their own avocado toast. If you're giving Rooney their own email, you got to let them make their own avocado toast. But even though Rooney is not a Dracula, at least that we know of, that was a joke. I do have a couple of candidates for our proprietary segment, Dracula or No, that I received over the past couple of weeks. Jesse, do you have a moment to give some of your rulings as North America's

most famous Dracula and anti-Dracula expert? I'm more than happy for you. Yes. Dana wrote, my daughter is now 19, but when she was two, she was a very early talker, by the way. When she was two, she found some blood on the back deck. Content warning, cats murdering birds. It was from an animal that a cat had killed earlier in the day. We'd cleaned up the mess, but hadn't scrubbed the blood off the patio yet. When Hannah, my daughter, found the blood, two years old. She squatted down and licked it and then sang, Oops, I did it again in the style of Britney Spears. Now, is Hannah a Dracula or no?

No, just awesome. All right. Just really cool. Yeah. Also, she ages. She's 19 now, so we know she's not an immortal Dracula. Yeah. Hashtag free Britney.

Mike wrote, Judge Hodgman, we may have a problem. My friend Dan's daughter, Killian, was at the dentist and said, I have not been brushing my teeth only with toothpaste. I have also been brushing my teeth with my own blood. Before you make your ruling, Mike adds a PS. Quote, note the first four letters of Killian's name. with my own blood. Before you make your ruling, Mike adds a PS. Quote, note the first four letters of Killian's name.

Kill. K-I-L-L. Jesse Thorne, Dracula or no. First of all, Draculas don't kill. They give eternal life. Second of all, this child is not a Dracula.

They just need to floss more regularly yeah this is a gingivitis situation also draculas are not autophages they don't drink their own blood no they drink they they they sup on the life force of others specifically blood and i'm not talking about supping on the life force i'm not talking about emotion uh or or chi or life or you know life, that's a psychic vampire. That's something different. Yeah. All right.

I have to get this picture ready before I send it. Hang on a second. You're not even talking about other humors, the phlegmatic humor, for example. Do you think that there can be a lymph Dracula? Yeah, seems likely. They would probably work at one of those witch stores that has all white walls and only

sells eight different witch things. And also some succulents. Look, I'm not a writer for any season of What We Do in the Shadows. I don't know if they're making a new one, but here's a freebie for the showrunners of that show. Take this one, Taika Waititi, and mull it over.

A lymph Dracula. Have a character that's a lymph Dracula, and all the blood Draculas are like, I don't want to hang around with that guy. That could be me. All right, Jesse, I've got one more for you. Kari writes, I need to know if my two-year-old nephew is a Dracula. It's March, and he still says Halloween and spooky every day. And he also still carries around a jack-o'-lantern-shaped trick-or-treat bag.

still carries around a jack-o'-lantern-shaped trick-or-treat bag. Now, before you decide, Kari also sent some photographic evidence of his Dracula teeth and how he sleeps. I'm going to text those to you and Jennifer Marmer now. So I'm taking a look at the child. And the child is sleeping in a dracula manner there's no doubt about that arms crossed arms crossed across the chest flat on the back um this would presumably it would be a baby dracula it's got a it's got a nub nub in its mouth. A fa-fa, a bassy, a bassifier for sure.

Yeah. And then this second picture. Now I assumed that this child would be shown with false Dracula teeth in this style that one might wear for Halloween. Right. As a joke. Now, obviously it's for Halloween. Right. As a joke. Now, obviously, it's not funny.

Right. But people do do that as what I would consider to be a distasteful joke. Oh, to wear false Dracula teeth. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Dracula. Come on. Give me a break.

It's not a joke, everybody. Draculas are real and they can have any job. Yeah. It's not a joke, everybody. Draculas are real and they can have any job. Yeah. Now, what concerns me about this picture is not only does this child have fangs, but this child has obviously sucked the blood out of this potato head in its hands.

There's a slot right on the top. You can see where the blood came out. And you can see through what in potato head parlance is known as the butt flap, there's nothing in there. Right. There's nothing left. Blood's all gone. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, I think this kid's probably a Dracula. I look at this photo of this kid and obviously these photos will be posted on the Judge John Hodgman page at MaximumFun.org

as well as our Instagram account at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hododgman and you can judge for yourself but i mean i think the giveaway truly is this is this child this two-year-old nephew lying flat on his back with his arms crossed across his chest as though in a moment he is going to levitate straight up out of bed and then go like that. It wasn't the same. I was watching Jennifer Marmer on that one.

It wasn't the same reaction. I went too far. Tried too hard. All right. That's Dracula or no. That's two no's and one Dracula. Be warned. They are out there.

It gives me no pleasure to declare that child a Dracula's and one Dracula. Be warned, they are out there. It gives me no pleasure to declare that child a Dracula, obviously. No. You know, John, that I have nothing but contempt for Draculas. I would love to say that all children are not Draculas, but the reality of this situation is otherwise. Yeah, some children are Drac's. And look, if you think that you have a child Dracula living in your home, send me the evidence at Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. This is not, this is our proprietary segment. We won't do it every week, but if there are enough of them, obviously it's just a public service. I mean, Jesse doesn't like to look at pictures of Dracula's. It's weird that there are pictures of Draculas, frankly.

It's one of the misconceptions about Draculas. They can't be shown in mirrors, but you can get them in portrait mode on an iPhone camera for some reason. That's why they invented mirrorless cameras. That's right. Anyway, subject line Dracula or no, if you've got a Dracula child that you want us to evaluate or a non-Dracula child you want us to evaluate.

Jesse, I did get one letter this week. This is a letter from, is this a letter from David about Grape Nuts? Yes, it's a letter about Grape Nuts from David. Good news is, Jesse, the Grape N nut shortage is coming to an end. I read it on the news. Thank goodness. By the end of March, Post Cereals, and I take no pleasure in buzz marketing them. My middle name is Kellogg.

I'm a Kellogg cereal person. Post says those grape nuts are going to be back. No one knows why. No one knows why they went into short supply, Jesse. I think it's because grape nuts seem so unpalatable that you would only use them to stock up on during a crisis, right? It's like- I mean, I actually already knew that the grape nut shortage was ending. President Biden announced that all American adults who want grapepe Nuts can have Grape Nuts by May 1st. Yeah, but you're not giving any credit to Project Grape Speed.

That's true. Anyway, Grape Nuts are back, which makes David happy. I'm not going to read his letter. I'm just going to say, David, I did read your letter. And I'm going to say the dry grape nuts topped with two poached eggs and Cholula hot sauce. I can't get behind that. That sounds gross to me. I love all of those things. You got to put milk on the grape nuts first and then put the poached eggs and the Cholula. No. I love all of those. I love grape nuts. I love poached eggs. I love Cholula

hot sauce. And I love that you love eating them, but I got to be with your family on this one. It sounds gross, and if they say it smells gross, I'm sorry, I get it. Go eat that in your storm shelter by yourself. Well, it's settled. The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our producer, the ever-capable Jennifer Marmer. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFund.org

slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFFun.org. No case is too small. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. We will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Surprise. This is a surprise post-credit sequence that's why we're as popular as wandavision you know earlier in this episode oh it's me john hodgman earlier in this episode we were talking about baby names and you may recall a couple weeks ago we're asked to suggest some names for a forthcoming child for the c team connor and Caroline and their dogs, Cosmo and Chai. They were having trouble coming up with C names. I don't know why they were coming up with them

because apparently there are a lot of them. Listener Tony wrote in with an rather long list of suggested C names that I am going to read to you now over an appropriately amusing music bed to be determined after I finish reading this list and I talk to Jennifer Marmer about it. So Jennifer, using the magic of editing, hit it. Hit it. Carter. Connor with two Ns. Connor with one N. Conrad. Colin. Multiple spellings. Crane.

Cecil. Cecil. Cade. Didn't we do that one already? Cormac. Carrie. Crispin. Clive. Crispin, I'm strong. I can kick. Clive. Chandler. Christian. Cody. Cole.

Colt. Colton. Colton, like Jonathan Colton. I'm adding that one myself. Corbin. Corbin Dallas. Corey. Cassius. Cortez? Conan. Casey. Kalen. Kane. Carol. Carver. I just scrolled down, this is much longer than I thought, Case, Casper, Caspian, Cavan, Chaz, Chaz, Clarion, why not Comfort Inn, Clement, Clovis, Choban, Collier, Colton, Coltrane, Cooper, Corbin, Cowan, Cray, Cy, Cyril, Cyrus. Belated happy birthday to Cyrus in Maine. That is all. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.