Judge John Hodgman - No-Glow Contendere

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Michelle brings the case against her husband, Rob. Rob is restoring an old grandfather clock to make it usable as a display case. Michelle would like to display her uranium glass collection in the clock under a blacklight. But Rob thinks adding a blacklight will look tacky. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? With Guest Bailiff Monte Belmonte!Thanks to reddit user u/TheGreyBrewer for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com!Judge John Hodgman’s Van Freaks Roadshow is getting ready to hit the road! LONDON! For 30% off your tickets to see us at the London Podcast Festival, use code JUDGE2023 at checkout! Visit vanfreaksroadshow.com for other dates, cities, and more information! And SUBMIT YOUR CASES along the tour route at maximumfun.org/jjho!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm summertime fun time guest bailiff Monty Belmonte. This week, no glow contendere. Michelle brings the case against her husband, Rob. Rob is restoring an old grandfather clock to make it usable as a display case. Michelle would like to display her uranium glass collection in the clock under a blacklight. But Rob thinks adding a blacklight will look tacky. Will Michelle's blacklit uranium make Rob's grandfather clock come to life like Charlie Bucket's golden ticket made his derelict grandfather come back to life? Or will the black light make the grandfather clock look tacky

like the 2022 film Black Light made the grandfatherly aged actor Liam Neeson look tacky? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. Yeah, I made a paper mache walrus. I made a scope-rion. And then I thought, if I can make whatever I want, why not make a creature that doesn't exist? So I made a unihorn. Summertime Funtime Guest Bail of Monty Bill Monty,

please swear the litigants in. Michelle and Rob, please rise. Rob, raise your hour hand. Rob, raise your hour hand. Michelle, raise your minute hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast, or that glow-in-the-dark Doors poster I had in my teenage bedroom, or whatever? Wowie zowie.

I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his honor brings a black light to every hotel he's booked in, but not to look for icky bodily fluids, simply to divine for potential uranium mines? I do. Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Wow, Monty Belmonte. Not merely making a meal out of it. It was a whole New England clam bake. Of puns and extra jokes.

It's great to be back. I'm back in Maine, Monty. I'm back in New England. Good to be here back in WERU. 89.9 FM. Broad broadcasting from the Solar Powered Studios here in Orland, Maine to the entire Blue Hill Peninsula and the world at WERU.org. And Monty Belmonte, you're out there in Western Massachusetts. Of course, Monty, you are the host of the fabulous 413, an afternoon talk and feature show exploring everything that's great about the Pioneer Valley, Western Mass and beyond.

How's everything going there? Amazing. Tomorrow we're going to Tanglewood and we might get to interview John Williams. So I'm very excited. Wowie zowie. Yeah, very famous musical composer. Oh, Michelle and Rob, you're here, too. We are. Joining us from Seattle, I believe. And what is your public radio station? We are here at KUOW. Yeah, I love KUOW and I've been

in those studios as well. And they're very gracious and very clean over there. KUOW. All right. Now I'm settled. I had to settle back in to Maine. The pace of Maine, Joel, what's the pace of Maine? Pretty slow. Pretty slow. That's right. All I'm settled. I had to settle back in to Maine. The pace of Maine, Joel, what's the pace of Maine? Pretty slow. Pretty slow. That's right. All I know about Maine is murder, she wrote. What was the name of the town where all those murders took place?

Cabot Cove. Oh, there you go. Not a real place in Maine. Not a real place in Maine. And actually, not as many murders in Maine as you might think watching that show. Oh, that's disappointing. But now you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors. Can either of you remember the cultural reference that I quoted as I entered this courtroom?

I remember that the last word was unicorn. But that's not the word you should be listening for. Okay. I'm giving you a big hint. Michelle, you got a guess where that comes from? I really have no clue. So I'm going to go with an old favorite, Batman the Animated Series. Batman the Animated Series.

I don't think I've ever done a quote from Batman the Animated Series, and I should. Terrific cartoon. Terrific cartoon. All right, Rob, your turn. What do you guess? I'm going to go with labyrinth. Pretty confident that's not it, but I don't know. You know, these normally, these cultural references have some, perhaps tenuous, but always some connection to the case at hand.

Was there a word that jumped out at you when I read that? I'm assuming it's scoprion. Scoprion, exactly. Look look i'll reveal the answer to you that is from the casper hauser comedy podcast a maximum fun podcast one of their best episodes episode 11 it was their parody of this american life and rob bettaker does an incredible ira glass and after interviewing dan dan who plays this guy who makes these paper mache animals, including a paper mache unicorn. He plays this guy, Roger. And Dan Bedecker is Ira Glass after that goes, Roger is one of a small group of fantasy animalists who believe

it shouldn't be called a unicorn. It should be called a unicorn because what does it have one of a horn or a corn? Really, really, really funny. Really funny. And all still available over there at MaximumFun.org. The Casper Hauser Comedy Podcast. Casper Hauser, terrific sketch comedy group. And the reason that I read this was because I love them so much. And I wish they would make more podcasts. But also, because even though all of that is very funny, and a unicorn instead of unicorn is very funny. I always think of Scoprion. For some reason, he says, I made a Scoprion.

And there's no reason whatsoever this guy can't pronounce scorpion. And it just makes me laugh every time. Scoprion. Now, what would a scorpion have to do with the case at hand? Your uranium glass collection and your grandfather clock. Any guesses? I believe that scorpions fluoresce under

UV light. That is correct. Much like uranium glass and like those incredible blacklight posters they used to sell at Spencer's Gifts in the Chestnut Hill Mall and other malls around the world.

Scorpions fluoresce. They light up under long ultraviolet ray lights, black lights as we call them. So yes, that was the connection. You made the connection. Good for you, Michelle. You are the one who collects the uranium glass, correct? That's correct.

Yeah, so you know about things lighting up in black light. But I can't give the case to you as a result because you didn't name the Kasperhauser Comedy Pub. That was the answer I was looking for. So, Michelle, you are the one who collects the uranium glass. Are you the one who seeks justice in this court? I am. And what is the nature of your complaint? of uranium glass that I hope to enhance. And I feel the only correct way to display it is under a blacklight. And so I feel like that is what it should be. Who's standing in your way, Rob?

Yes, Rob, my husband. So what's your complaint against Rob? That he is refusing to install a blacklight in this cabinet that he is putting together for the uranium glass. Rob, how do you respond? It's not the installation of a blacklight in the cabinet. It is primarily the installation of the blacklight in the cabinet and keeping it in our dining room and having it on 365 days a year that That is, that is concerning to me. And we're not, we're not just, we're not just talking about any cabinet here, right?

We're talking about what? A grandfather clock? Correct. So we found a grandfather clock on the side of the road. Yeah. That, you know, it's entered. It enters all the time. We're not in, yes, it's entered.

We're not in good shape. We're not in, yes, it's enters. We're not in good shape. We actually have another chiming clock in our dining room, like a wall clock. So I wasn't, while I was enthusiastic about the grandfather clock, I didn't really feel like we needed another clock in the same room. Michelle eventually convinced me that it would be a good idea to transform the clock into a display cabinet, which I do woodworking. So I'm, you know, I'm happy to make that happen. And then she later,

you know, gave the idea of we should, you know, turn it into a display cabinet specifically for the uranium class, install black lights. And then I the um theory is that we should have them on a timer that comes on you know evening every day at dusk to make sure that they glow um and i'm a bit concerned about having uh you know the the typical black light glow in our dining room every day because it looks like a crummy dorm room exactly that. That is not the vibe that I'd like for my dining room. Monty. Judge. They're picking up grandfather clocks from the side of the road

and collecting uranium glass. My kind of nerds. They're living the dream in Seattle. Absolutely. Joel, what's the most interesting thing you ever found by the side of the road in Maine? You can get so much good free stuff on the side of the road. Like what?

Grandfather clock? One time I saw a sign that just said free. And you took the sign? Yeah. All right. In Abbott Cove, you can find a grandfather by the side of the road. Yeah. You know what they have in Cabot Cove?

Corpses. That's all they have by the side of the road in Cabot Cove. Corpses. You two are married to one another. Is that correct? We are. Yes. Do you have kids? We do. We have one 10 year old. An only child?

An only child. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Only child with the most interesting parents in Seattle. I love it. You guys are having a good time. We do try. Michelle, uranium glass. I'm going to take a wild guess and figure that most of our listeners

aren't intimately familiar with the craft of uranium glass. What is it? And what makes it special? Right. Well, so it is kind of what it sounds like. I believe it was most popular in the 1920s, but sort of started being made in the late 1800s. And it's glass that was made and infused with small amounts of uranium. And why would someone do this? Is it part of a murder scheme? A slow murder? Do we have to send in Angela Lansbury?

this is a part of a murder scheme a slow murder do we have to send in uh angela lansbury um no it was just apparently uranium and things glowing was very trendy right then around the turn of the century uh there were maybe some things they didn't know um about that but uh it was really popular to have and so it's sort of a exactly what would think. It's a bright green color. Sometimes it's a little more translucent, and they call that Vaseline glass, because it sort of looks like Vaseline has been molded into something. And isn't the uranium dangerous? According to the Internet, the amount in uranium glass is so low that it is not a danger. But on the other hand, how many pieces of uranium glass would you say you have? Ballpark?

We have three right now. Ballpark three. Three pieces. And did they all come from the same estate sale or whatever? No, they've been gathered from various estate sales or antique stores. And are you the original owner? No. No, they've been gathered from various estate sales or antique stores. And are you the original owner? No. No, definitely not. Would it be safe to guess that the original owners are all dead?

Almost certainly, yes. Because of the uranium glass serial killer? Or because when you say the turn of the century, you mean 1899 to 1900, not 1999 to 2000. Good point. Yes, I do mean 1899 to 1900. They were an old timey decorative glassware. What are the shapes of the three pieces that you've got? What do you got like a candy bowl? Yes, there are three actually candy bowls. Those are very common. You sent in a photo of your uranium glass collection, your three candy bowls. Yes. These images are available, obviously, at the show page at MaximumFun.org, as well as our Instagram account,

at Judge John Hodgman. These don't look like Vaseline to me. The one in front is a Vaseline glass, the shorter, stubbier one. That would be the Vaseline glass, because shorter, stubbier one. That would be the Vaseline glass. Because the other ones are more opaque, sort of yellow. What would you call those? Snot glass? We could. Do they have a terminology?

Not that I'm aware of. I think it's just uranium glass. Because there's custard glass, jadeite glass, depression glass, and Burmese glass that I see here on the Uranium Glass Wikipedia page. I'm going to take a guess and say semi-opaque or opaque pale yellow would be custard glass and opaque or semi-opaque pale green is jadeite.

Which do you think it is? I would say they're jadeite, using those definitions. There's no mention of Vaseline glass on the Wikipedia? There is. Yeah, yeah, there is. Don't worry, I just put it in. I'm editing the pages we speak. No, it's in there. They look like very nice pieces. How did you start collecting them? I think we saw one of them. I don't remember which came first, but saw it either at an estate sale or an antique store. And I was always aware that Vaseline glass or uranium glass was a thing, thought it was really cool.

And since it was a small piece that was affordable, decided to go for it. I don't want to be rude, but how much are we talking? Oh, maybe like $15. You're not into uranium glass to strike it rich at the Antiques Roadshow. You're just in it for the Vaseline-shaped candy bowl. Exactly. And for things to glow. You say you were aware that uranium glass was a thing.

I was not. And I know a lot of weird things. When did you first hear about this glow-up glass? Honestly, I don't know. weird things. When did you first hear about this, this glow up class? I honestly, I don't know. Um, I do. So I have,

I have sort of a glass collection that goes beyond this. Um, okay. At my home. Um, I inherited a, a milk glass collection from my grandmother. And milk glass,

you mean it's opaque glassware that's in a milky color, not just glasses for milk, right? No, yes. It's a white opaque glass. Yeah, I'm looking at your collection here. It looks like you've got quite a few coffee cups or tea cups, quite a few platters, a couple of goblets. A huge, incredible punch bowl, I've i gotta tell you right there that's right yes those were all purchased uh using snh green stamps by my grandmother in the the 50s and the 60s

by your grandmother i was like how how retro is michelle she's actually buying things with snh green stamps who takes those in this day and age you also have a baby cup, which is not milk glass, with two handles. It was a baby cup featuring scenes from Peter Rabbit. I believe it is. That belonged to Rob as a baby. It did. Your mother gave that to me.

Oh, interesting, Rob, because it seems to me it belonged to me, John Hodgman. Oh. You think I know all about these Peter Rabbit double-handled baby's cups because I'm an enthusiast? No. I had that cup. Where'd you get it?

Did you take it from my home, Rob? Maybe my mom did. I mean, if Michelle got it from my mom, I can't speak to her whereabouts during your childhood. That would be, I wish Angela Lansbury were around to solve during your childhood that would be i wish angela lansbury around to solve this mystery because that would be one cozy mystery and then you have another collection that i'm looking at here these trays yes what are these trays all about uh these are called i hope i'm saying it correctly corak trays i've seen trays like this in fact michelle

these are black trays. They're almost like there's some kind of composite material, maybe like Bakelite or something. And inlaid into the trays are little figures. And there's one that has a little figure of a red cardinal, which I also have that one. So what is happening? When I'm in Maine, do you both fly to my home in New York and steal from me? I think we'd have to put Angela Lansbury on that case. I can't give any more information. Rest in power, Jessica Fletcher. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to

everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in.

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And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. So, Michelle, you have a lot of collections.

I do. Yes, I admit it. And you know there is longstanding precedent that the difference between a hoard and a collection is a display case. That is true, yes. I see that your milk glass is tidily arranged in cabinetry, which is good. Your Korok tray collection is spread out all over the dining room table. The tray collection is currently homeless. So you don't have a display case for your Korok collection?

No. No, not yet. Oh, wait a minute now now spoons travel spoons too most of the spoons have a have a home correct there maybe not displayed is the the set of 10 or 15 that have there is some overflow that is correct rob does michelle have a problem with collecting uh she has a problem with not stopping collecting. I'm supportive of starting the collections, but they do not have a stopping point, which is a concern for the small uranium glass collection today. Are there any other collections that I need to know about Michelle besides the spoons, the milk glass, the trays, and the beginnings of a uranium glass collection?

I believe that you should know about Rob's weird collection, which is also pictured. Tell me, you got to tell me that he collects Lazy Susan's, Michelle. You know why? Turnabout is fair play. Go get them. We do have a pretty sizable hot sauce collection on a Lazy Susan on the middle of our dining room table. It's featured in several of these photos, and I appreciate that. What are Rob's collections?

So I'll start with what I find the normal collection. He collects wooden boxes, sort of inlaid, you know, puzzle boxes, that kind of thing. So they're quite lovely. I fully support that. It goes with his woodworking hobby. I see the photos of them here. They're very nice, Rob. Thank you. Thank you.

And they're arranged on a desk in a nice way. But also, Rob, I want to ask you, there's a little bust, a little sculpture, maybe in wood. Who's that? That is a wooden bust of Batman that I made as a test carve on my CNC router that I use for woodworking. You know, normally, and I can say this from experience, in a household where there are two parents and one child, an only child, it's the only child who's the lovable weirdo. The two parents are normals.

But the two of you, I mean, I can't, either your child is the most lovable weirdest of all time or the most square individual I will ever meet. He's pretty normal. Yeah, he's actually pretty normal, pretty straight edge. Definitely a rule follower. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's an only child. Of. Definitely a rule follower. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's an only child. Of course, he's going to follow the rules.

I just mean to say his eccentricity level, for him to rebel against his parents, he's going to have to rid himself of every eccentricity of all kind and just be the most norm core human of all time if you were to rebel. Of course, only children don't tend to rebel either. So he is at a Foley camp this week, though, so I think we've got him on the road to weirdo. Wait, you mean he's at a camp for Foley artistry? That is correct.

Wow. Joel, you know what Foley artistry is? No, I don't. Monty, can you explain it to Joel? Because I'm just taking this in. It's the sound effects used in movies. So, you know, you might have a giant sheet of metal and rumble it to make a thunder sound.

That could be considered old-timey Foley technology. Are they learning about, like, how to make the sound of an underwater basket at this camp? I hope so. I mean, what are we paying for if he doesn't? Anyway, back on track. What other collections does Rob have, aside from his wooden boxes and his little Batman?

Right. So Rob has another small collection, but worrisome, of weird bottles. You'll see there's a picture of the four of them. For the most part, this is fine. However, the one that it started with is, I am pretty sure it's cursed. And he brought this into our home.

And so I feel like he does not have a leg to stand on when he is talking about whether something is tacky or not. So I presume you're referring. I mean, all of these bottles look terrifying to me. Yes. One of them looks like an old timey jug that you would sort of blow over in a jug band. Right. And that one is covered in leather.

Exactly. There's actually two covered in leather in that picture. That's a tactile clue that I didn't need. Then there's one that looks like a possessed Aztec owl, which is very scary. That is the one. That's the one that you find scary? Oh, that's the the one you find scary that's the one i find scary yes you don't find the the the pitch black beaker that is covered in leather with a chain on it and looks like something edward gory would use to murder dracula i i mean i think if you're if i'm having to pick out the cursed object in this one, it's definitely the one with the Aztec bird face on it.

We'll have to note that the one covered in leather with the chain on it, you probably can't see, but it has what appear to be kind of depictions of a crusade etched into it. So in my mind, it's definitely the creepiest, but to each their own. Yeah. You ever open this bottle? They have all been opened and cleaned out. Now we all have the curse, Rob. Yes.

Where are you finding these weird bottles, Rob? Well, I have to say the creepy Aztec-looking one was indeed also found on the side of the road in Seattle. The other three were found in antique stores. What neighborhood are you traveling through? They're just like random grandfather clocks and creepy bottles around. Not the creepiest of neighborhoods.

No, as far as seattle goes a very normal neighborhood yeah uh-huh yeah weird weird stuff in seattle i guess rob you have four of these bottles this is a relatively new collection for you um i've had the the aztec looking bottle for uh probably close to a decade but the other three are relatively new. So this is one more than Michelle's uranium glass collection. That's true. I'd also like to point out that the most normal looking bottle, the sort of yellow glass one that's a ship light actually, also is a music box. It plays a sort of sea shanty tune. How Dry I Am, I believe is the name of the song.

And it, it, it, it plays it only whenever you pick the bottle up. So you can, so it starts, you know, playing the music box tune as you are pouring. It's pretty exciting. Monty, I think the podcast is over. I'm being completely out only childed by these two lovable eccentrics. I had enough. I was just like, wow. He's how he.

I think I just got to go into the main woods and disappear at this point. Plus, probably I got the curse of the black bottle on me. Okay. I got to get it back together. You can do it. You can do it, John. You can do it. So Rob's collecting cursed bottles. Frankly,

more alarming to me than the uranium glass. Plus he has one more. Plus he's picking up speed. Rob, what leg, dare I say, peg leg do you have to stand on while holding your sea shanty bottle to point a crooked, cursed finger at Michelle for collecting her stuff? Oh, no, there's not a finger being pointed for collecting the uranium glass. It's primarily installing a permanent blacklight in a grandfather clock and, you know, in order to further enhance the uranium glass collection. and, you know, in order to further enhance the uranium glass collection.

Monty, for a second, I forgot about the grandfather clock that Rob is turning into a display case. Not worried about the uranium glass at all. I just need to tell everyone, go and look at the photos, including the incredible photos of your incredible home. And there's other stuff to look at here, including a portrait of Alexander Hamilton drawn in a sharpie above a mantelpiece yes there's a lot and not and i will say it this mantelpiece this is above a fireplace that is um that is bracketed on the other side by more glass-covered cupboards that are to no one's surprise, full of board games.

Right? They're just packed full of esoteric tabletop board games. These kids are having so much fun in Seattle. Boy, oh boy. Did you remove some of the excess board games from the picture, the ones that can't fit in the cabinet right now? I just cropped the picture so that they were not in it. Oh, that's interesting. So you're saying that these cabinets that are shoved full of board games cannot hold

your entire board game collection? The collection should be whittled down a bit. That is true. Yeah. All right, Rob, what do you want to put in the grandfather clock? I'm okay with putting the uranium glass in the grandfather clock. I am concerned about expanding, like, the act of adding a blacklight to the grandfather clock and putting the uranium glass in it, glass in it i believe will turn it into um a pure uranium glass clock display cabinet versus a display cabinet that could display the uranium glass and creepy bottles or or other things

you know this is a real real hair you're splitting wrong well i mean it it's uh it's it's the difference between yeah like making it it making this specific uranium glass glowing thing a centerpiece of our home versus a thing to display our various weird collections. You want to put your bottles in there? I think there's bottles. I mean, there's cork trays. There's extra overflow glass that Michelle has. There's plenty of things that we could use an extra display cabinet for. You're okay with everything except uranium glass.

And even then, you're okay with uranium glass. You just don't want it to do what uranium glass does, which is light up under black light. Specifically, I'm worried about the black light, having a permanent black light in our house. Because it looks like garbage. Because it looks like garbage. Because they look like garbage. And I'm worried about it looking like garbage in our dining room 365 days a year. Like, you're okay with having creepy bottles all over the place, but you don't want to turn your house into the haunted mansion. Exactly.

Or only the haunted mansion during the month of October, but definitely not 12 months of the year. When it's rethemed to Nightmare Before Christmas. Exactly. Directed by Henry Selick. Sorry, I have to say that from time to time. Michelle, you have to acknowledge that things glowing in blacklight, whether it be a Scoprion or a Vaseline glass candy dish or a poster of a yellow spitting cobra. You have to acknowledge this all looks pretty trashy. Sure. I mean, you also wouldn't find uranium glass at Spencer's Gifts.

So I did include in evidence some example pictures from the internet of people who have this displayed in their homes or in what looks like a very nice antique store. And I think if you look at these pictures, that with just the uranium glass being under the blacklight, I think it looks quite nice. I think it's classy. Our home was built in 1916. So I think, you know, this is of the age of the house. The uranium glass era. Exactly, yes.

So it would be very historically accurate to be showing this off in our home. Yeah, but look, I'm looking at the same evidence that you sent me, conveniently, because I'm a professional. And I have to tell you something. So this is a display cabinet, non-grandfather clock-shaped,

regular display cabinet with some nice uranium glass pieces in there. And they're blacklight illuminated and they're glowing. They're glowing like a Scoprion in the desert. I got to tell you, Michelle, this is me personally. This looks a little goofy.

It looks spooky, like spooky goof. You know what I mean? Spooky, goofy, scary ghost glass. What do you, what do you, how would you describe it, Monty? I would describe it as a beautiful display cabinet that's filled with things that you'd see in the entranceway to a roller rink slash laser tag place at a mall. place at a mall. I think that it looks like a beautiful display case that is full of all of the weird neon-wearing gang members in Batman and Robin, which was a weird blacklight scene in that movie. Or maybe a display case

that was set up by Splinter to welcome his Ninja Turtle younglings back home to make them remember the glowing ooze that turned them into the mutants that they are. Michelle, look, we're having fun. This stuff is really cool. I've never seen this before. I've never heard of this stuff before. I absolutely see why you love it. But you have to admit it's

a strong flavor. It is. You know, I think if you look at the picture of the grandfather clock, though, it's pretty enclosed. The display area is not huge. So I think using the clock as the display case is going to keep the collection contained. And I think unlike the example picture, which is, you know, sort of glass on all sides, I don't think you're going to get that obnoxious Spencer's Gifts glow coming out of it quite as strongly. I would say the display cabinet picture, I'd also like us all to note that this is a picture taken in what looks to be the daytime. And I am deeply concerned about having a black light on in the evening hours and how much of a purple glow will be emanating from our dining room.

I have to say, though, I didn't even look at this grandfather clock. This grandfather clock also looks like something out of Edward Corey's animated introduction for Mystery on WGBH. This is a spooky looking clock. I'm intending to clean it, to make it look nicer. So it, it came, you know, painted black. Um, I need to, to restore it, um, you know, repair the wood some. And I was planning on, uh, you know, putting some kind of goldish embellishments on it to make it less pure, you know, Halloween spooky looking.

Were you going to strip off this black paint and refinish it? Or are you going to keep the black? I was planning on just adding some goldish embellishments on kind of the textured surfaces to make it kind of gold on black as opposed to just, you know, pure black. as opposed to just, you know, pure black. I had to say, if they're keeping black in the mix at all, Rob, this truly looks like a grandfather clock that was made to display a glowing candy face. I agree. It is very much the Haunted Mansion vibe.

Mm-hmm. Yes, and that is the vibe I'm going for. Are you anti that vibe, Rob? Well, I mean, the rest of our house, like I would not be opposed at all to this vibe during the Halloween season, but I don't think having the glowing, you know, bringing the Halloween vibe

to our dining room 12 months out of the year is really, would really fit. Michelle, did you consider getting a different display case for either a different room or not a project that Rob was working on to glow your uranium glass in? That's really why the collection has stayed small,

is I really wasn't sure how to display it until we found this clock. And then it was like everything just clicked into place. So, you know, I'd been restraining myself, not buying a lot since we don't have a place for it. I just feel like if you're bringing uranium glass into your home, you're also bringing a black light into your home. I just, I feel like those are two great tastes that go great together. Yeah, but the your in this case is not just your house, Michelle.

It's your all's house, the three of you. And this is Rob's grandfather clock, is it not? I mean, who found it? I guess we both found it. We both brought it a few blocks over in pieces. I had to, with the help of our 10-year-old son, campaign to retrace our steps and go back for this grandfather clock and bring it into our home. Was Rob resistant to the grandfather clock? He was, mostly because he, as he stated earlier, he doesn't think we need a second clock, which I agree with.

So it was when I threw out the idea of using it as a display case that he agreed, he thought that was a good idea. Rob, what did you think would be displayed? I guess... Any of the junk you have going on? Any of the junk we have lying around, not under blacklight. That was my expectation. You thought this might be overflow storage for your board games and spoons? Exactly, exactly.

I'll also say that I think I came up with a pretty good idea for where this uranium glass could be displayed under blacklight in the clock. Just not quite in the way Michelle was hoping. Let me hear your idea. Just not quite in the way Michelle was hoping. Let me hear your idea. Imagine a hinged clock face that you can pull open to reveal a kind of secret layer of glowing uranium glass. You know, display usually means showing something, not hiding it. Exactly. You are correct.

A secret display. I mean, I like it. I like secret rooms a lot. And I presume you must have several of them. That's pretty cool. I do like that idea. But why cool uranium glass that is in our house. I think we should use that for something else. I'm sure I can come up with another good option for what to put in there, but the glass is meant to be displayed. So also throughout there, consider how we're all enthralled by the glowing uranium glass because we don't see it very often. If you have it in the house 365 days a year, glowing, I do feel like it's going to lose some of its luster. It does feel, Michelle, like Rob is really working with you on this.

But on the other side, it also feels a little bit like you're grasping at straws, Rob. This is fun. This is enjoyable slash nauseating at first, but after a while, it'll get boring and you won't like it anymore. Do you have like a bad experience with a blacklight poster or a dorm room situation that this is bringing you back to? I did have a blacklight in my room as a as a teenager growing up and i i feel like i'm very very much done with that phase of my life you know you're you're a hobbyist and an avid and skilled woodworker uh and restorer of grandfather clocks you are a collector of of creepy cursed bottles it seems to me like you're very much in on board with the vibe of your

beautiful and eccentric home decor. So what was it that you grew out of? Not eccentricity, obviously. What are the teenage years that you grow out of where you're like, this is the childish thing I'm putting behind me. Bye bye, black light. It's a very different vibe having a blacklight, I think, in your dining room versus having it in a teenage bedroom. It feels juvenile to you. It feels, yes. Michelle, why does the grandfather clock have to be in the dining room? Mostly because that's just where it will fit the best in our house. You know, it is pretty large. And that was part of the debate, even just bringing it in the house, is Rob told me I had to find a place for it.

And it seems just like the best place where it fits is that corner of the dining room. Is there any other place in the house where this thing could be that would be acceptable to you, Michelle? I mean, I guess we could move it into our bedroom. But I feel like he would find that to be much worse. There is more space in the bedroom. Exactly. It'd be a nice nightlight, you know,

if you have to get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water or something. Yeah, let's not even talk about that. Yeah, no, that's not going to happen. What do you think about Rob's concerns that if you get that uranium glass in there with a black light on a timer that your collection of uranium glass is going to expand? I don't think it will because I think it's the the clock and that display case that will keep it contained the collection definitely will expand over you know to to fill to fill the the entire clock oh sure sure yes uranium glass loves a vacuum that's just science how how many pieces of uranium glass do you think slash fear, Rob, she could shove into that grandfather clock?

Oh, I mean, if she's got three now, I feel like that cabinet could easily fit 15, 20. Michelle, would you be content with just three uranium glass pieces or four? I think whatever fits nicely in the clock would be enough. I think between five and ten would be sufficient. I think that would look nice in there. I got to disagree with you there because I'm looking again at this piece of evidence you sent,

the display case with the uranium glass and it all lit up under blacklight. And that's too much uranium glass in there. I would agree. And I think that is much bigger, much taller for sure than the grandfather clock that we have. Yeah, but for me, I'm looking at that and I feel like there should be one piece on each level. Right.

Well, I mean, I think we stop the collection when it looks nice and finished. Does that mean the next time we go to an antique store that you're going to? Is it like a give a give a uranium glass, take a uranium glass kind of situation whenever you find a better looking piece? Yeah, yeah, sure. It could be. You live in Seattle where grandfather clocks line the streets. Surely there's a little free uranium glass library in your neighborhood. If there isn't, we could start one.

It's always raining in Seattle. Wow, Monty. Sorry about that. That's incredible. No, that was incredible. So, Michelle, once it has reached completion, mutually agreed completion, would you then consent to a one outout, one-in policy with uranium glass? Yes. Are you capable of that?

I am capable. I find that seems like a very good solution. I already rule in your favor, Michelle. It says here that you want me to order that there be a black light in the case that can be turned off and on easily, ideally with a timer, so that it goes on in the evening when you come home from work and then turns off when you go to bed. Even you are afraid to sleep in a house with glowing uranium glass in it. Well, I mean, we're in Seattle. You know, we have to be environmentally conscious with our electricity use. Oh, I see what you're saying. So there'd be no illumination of any kind after bedtime.

Right. Rob, you would like there to be no blacklight in the display case, except for temporary blacklight during the month of October. I think glowing uranium glass during spooky season is totally fine with me, but the other 11 months of the year,

no. But how complicated would it be to install a regular display light and a blacklight display light? You could toggle between them. I honestly have to figure out the logistics. Assuming the ruling does not go in my favor, I feel like I have to figure out the logistics of how to install a permanent blacklight and try to make it not look tacky. So I've got some engineering to do regardless.

Well, no, I mean, blacklights themselves are not tacky. They're just bulbs. I don't know if you know, this has been a lot of innovation in blacklight technology since you were a teenager. Yes. It's just a bulb. But I guess I have to figure out how to make the bulb itself hidden to minimize the amount of purple glow that will be emanating throughout my dining room. You really just don't like the glowing uranium glass.

You don't like glowing stuff. The glowing stuff in the dining room 12 months out of the year is the worry for me i find this uranium glass to be pretty nauseating without glowing no offense i don't mean that in a taste way i just mean like it just it just looks it's kind of snot green you know like are you truly okay with the uranium glass period rob like if there was no, if they didn't glow, if there's no option, would you be okay with having these pieces in the grandfather clock?

Yes, yes, totally. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to crawl into this niche in the basement to sip from a cask of Amontillado and hope that Rob and Michelle don't brick me in while I'm figuring out my verdict. I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise, says Judge John Hodgman. Exits the courtroom. This has been an interesting case. Rob, I need to know, did you send your child to Foley Camp to make the special effects for the horror movie that you are obviously developing in your very creepy house?

He also went to a stop-motion animation camp a few weeks ago. So yes, the combination of foley and clay and horror doesn't sound too bad. Michelle, are you okay with displaying these uranium glasses not inside an atomic clock, maybe in an already existing cabinet that you

have somewhere with a tiny hidden black light that on occasion would illuminate them. I mean, I think that would be nice. I think Rob would argue just as strongly against that, perhaps more strongly. Well, we'll see what the judge has to say all about this when we come back in just a moment. The judge has to say all about this when we come back in just a moment. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie,

Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Hmm.

Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Monty, we are taking a break from the case. What do you have coming up on the Fabulous 413? By the time you hear this, we'll have been at Tanglewood broadcasting with our Tanglewood

correspondent who happens to be the conductor of the Boston Pops, Keith Lockhart. And hopefully, if all went well, we were able to convince former Boston Pops conductor and potentially one of the most important musicians of the latter half of the 20th and early part of 21st century, John Williams, as part of the show. But you'll have to listen to it wherever podcasts are available and see if we were actually able to achieve that or not. Even if we didn't, we have lots of, we have a podcast every day, pretty much. So. Yeah. You buried the lead, by the way, who needs John Williams when you got Keith Lockhart? Well, that's true. Keith Lockhart's been on a bunch of times and he's, he's great. I got to perform with him in the Boston Pops a couple of times. What a great bunch. If you're in Boston or anywhere, the Boston Pops might be touring, go see them. And you can listen to, obviously, you can listen to the Fabulous 413

anywhere you get your podcasts. And Monty, you and your co-host, Khalees Smith, are total delights. And it's a totally fun show. So go check that out. So Joel Mann, I believe I heard some pledge driving here at WERU. You had the big pledge drive earlier this month. Yes, it went really well. We thank everyone out there for their support. 35 years. 35 years of community radio here in Orland, Maine. But that doesn't mean that people can't offer their financial support to the station. You can go to WERU.org anytime anytime and there's a little donation button right all

right even though it's not the pledge drive i am lifting the ban on your pledging to weru because after all weru stands for we are you i just remembered that the other day we are you very very clever so as far as me you you're you're your little old friend judge john hodgman oh i got nothing really coming up except for a massive tour. That's right. We are closer than ever to the Van Freaks Roadshow. That's where me and Jesse Thorne are going to go out there and dispense justice throughout the UK, parts of Europe, and much of the United States of America. And we're calling it Van Freaks Roadshow because we both love Antiques Roadshow

and we are both, and Jesse especially, fans of the Mitsubishi Delica Japanese market-only adventure van. Where can you drive your Delica? I don't know. Can you get to Dublin, Republic of Ireland, London, Lexington, Kentucky, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, St. Paul, Minnesota, Austin, Texas, Atlanta, Georgia, Durham, North Carolina, Charlottesville, Virginia, Washington, D.C., Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, Brooklyn, New York. Get your Delica there. You can see us dispense justice in all of those cities, as well as surprise special guests of all kinds. It's going to be a lot of fun. And remember, we need cases for these shows. Now, we're starting to get some in. If you have a dispute, if you're coming to the show and you're bringing someone,

figure out what's wrong with them. Figure out what your dispute is with that person no case is too small just write to me via maximumfund.org slash jjho and make sure you let us know which town you're in and we'll consider your dispute for hearing right there live up on stage it'll be a lot of fun vanfreaksroadshow.com is where you can get all the tickets, all the information. I'll say it again, VanFreaksRoadShow.com. All one word, except for the dot. Go there now, get your tickets, send in your cases,

MaximumFund.org slash JJHO, VanFreaksRoadShow.com. Let's get back to the case. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. So first of all, I feel I have perhaps misrepresented your home, Rob and Michelle, by referring to it as a place that I might be detained or murdered in. I have made reference to the Haunted Mansion. All of these things are not exactly right. Your house is beautiful and inviting and cool and interesting and pretty much in balance. glimpses of your interests and your eccentricity, but it is not putting it in your face. You've decorated it in a very, very loving and careful way to reflect the colors and tones of the arts and crafts movement, but while also putting in the corners, obviously,

little elements of yourself and your haunted bottles, which are distinctly creepy. They look good in here. And your board games are contained, for the most part, well within those cases. It looks good. You're doing a great job. I will say that you are nearing a point where you are going to have to do some purging. are nearing a point where you are going to have to do some purging and you know a collection even one with a display case can pretty much become a kind of horde uh when you don't have room for

your extra spoons before i make my ruling i just wanted to give you that that's my my that's my impression i don't know if that tracks with the way you both are feeling in your home but it's a good idea to check in with each other. Because obviously Rob is a little concerned that Michelle, you're on to a new thing and you're running out of room to the point that you're having to scavenge grandfather clocks off of the streets in order to hold this new thing. That is fair. Now, as for this uranium glass, I had never heard of it before. This case, I find it really fascinating. glass i had never heard of it before this case i find it really fascinating i think you can i think you can hear in my voice i think when i said the word nauseating that it is not to my taste

but i think it's super cool and an interesting part of history and i completely understand why it is to someone else's taste specifically you and rob doesn't seem to mind it so long as it is not glowing. But Michelle, you do raise a really interesting point. Why should there be radioactive glass in my home if it's not to glow? What is the point of uranium glass if not to glow? Exactly. And I have to say that there has never been a grandfather clock that so thoroughly calls out for a uranium glass collection than this creepy clock that you found. I have real reservations about how this clock is going to fit in. Your house is in balance now. This clock, I don't care how much golden filigree Rob puts on it, and he's

clearly a talented and skilled craftsperson, but it's going to look very goth. And that's not a vibe that you have in your house right now. I really have hesitations and I understand where Rob is coming from. I think that he's been very, very agreeable insofar as he actually let the thing into the house that you share and is working to restore it because you and your only child want it. And that's super cool of Rob. And I respect the line that Rob is trying to draw at the glowing. I mean, it is a real look, but we have to see it. We got to see what it looks like.

We got to have to see, we have to see it. I need to see it. I need to see it in this world. I think that it would not be particularly difficult. If you're going to install lighting in the clock at all, I do not think it is going to be particularly difficult to install a blacklight alternate in there.

And I encourage you, Michelle, to do the work and the research to work with Rob to figure out how to do this if it's possible and to acknowledge if it's not possible. But if it is possible, my order is to install the blacklight and complete the project. My further order is there shall be no timer. And there shall be no time when Rob is forced to endure the nauseating image of floating ghost glasses in the clock that he is working to restore on your behalf. The only time that you may turn on the blacklight and keep it on is October 31st and maybe a couple days before. And then the only other time when you may turn on the blacklight is when Rob isn't home or you are sitting in the dining room looking to enjoy it yourself or showing your collection off to a friend or you and your only child are enjoying it, but it can't be on during dinnertime.

And the final order is that when you get this project done, that you really look at it with a hard eye. that you really look at it with a hard eye. Obviously, send us a photo. But you need to look at it with a hard eye and see if it really fits in that corner. So I'm technically ruling in, well, you know what? I'm going to say that I'm ruling in Rob's favor because he deserves it.

He deserves the win. Thank you, Judge. Because as far as you're concerned, Rob, you only asked that you complete your project and and only have a blacklight on during October. And as far as you're concerned, that's the only time you will see this blacklight. That's the only time you will see it. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules.

That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. With the wisdom of Solomon there, I think he's come up with a remarkable compromise. And I'm frankly slightly shocked that it's come out that way. But Rob, how are you feeling about having to alter this grandfather clock in a way that will both please your wife, Michelle, and please your eyes for every day other than Halloween? It feels like a very fair judgment to me. It's a nice compromise. I appreciate the words of wisdom on the decor in general and, you know, keeping the collections in check. And Michelle, if you see this grandfather clock that is super goth and going to glow in the dark

like the clothes that Ken wears in the new Barbie movie and recognize that it might be too much, would you be willing to admit that eventually? Yes. Yes. I think the judge is correct. And once this project is completed, we can really look at it with a critical eye and see if it really is the right thing for that space. Michelle and Rob, thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. Another case in the books. Before we dispense some swift justice, we want to thank Redditor, The Gray Brewer, for naming this week's episode No Glow Contendere. Join the conversation over at the Maximum Fun subreddit over at MaximumFun.reddit.com. We'll be asking for title suggestions there, too, so keep an eye out for those. Evidence and photos from the show are posted on our Instagram account at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman.

Make sure to follow us. Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman. This episode was engineered by Robert Jacob Springer at KUOW in Seattle and by Joel Mann at WERU in Orland, Maine. Marie Barty runs our social media. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Now let's get to Swift Justice, where we answer... Now, wait one second. There seems to be someone missing from the credits. Monty Belmonte of New England Public Media is your Summertime F fun time guest bailiff. And it's so nice to be resuming my summer with you by my side. And I'm really glad to hear your voice. Thank you for joining us, Monty.

But now, shall we get to Swift Justice? Yes, we shall. David says, I did a comedy panel show and my little brother heckled me. My parents said that he's just a kid, but he was 36 at the time. This is why there should only be only children. Because those babies of the family get to be babies their whole lives. They get to be just kids their whole lives.

And the older siblings have to be the responsible ones. And the babies get to just be babies. And the middle children just get lost. Stop babying that baby brother, 36 years old. And by the way, humans stop heckling people at comedy shows. It's not funny. It's not cool. You look dumb. It's terrible. Stop it. So this has been a very context specific episode of Judge John Hodgman, because as you know, if you've been following along week by week, you know that I've been in Maine, hanging out here with Joel, sometimes talking with Monty. Then I had to go back to Brooklyn, New York to take care of some of my business there and

march on the strike line. And now I'm back in Maine. And if you're listening out of order, it's years into the future or whatever it is, you might be like, what is the context I'm missing here? What is Maine? Does Maine still exist in the future? I don't know. So I think that I want to record a couple of evergreen episodes in the future. Do you know what I mean?

Like just evergreen episodes of Judge John Hodgman. So I'm asking you for your evergreen disputes. Do I mean disputes that are not context-specific, that are sort of like timeless disputes? Is a hot dog a sandwich? No, I mean disputes about evergreen trees. If you live in the pine tree state of Maine, any dispute is allowable,

so long as it references pine trees. But of course, I'm looking for all of your disputes on any subject, particularly if you're going to be coming to one of our shows on tour, which you've heard all about already. Send all your disputes, including your evergreen disputes, into MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Thanks again to Joel and Monty for keeping me company today. Thanks again to our litigants.

And we will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artists owned shows supported directly by you