Judge John Hodgman - O Brother, Where Parked Thou?

Episode Date: June 12, 2014

Stephanie brings the case against her brother Mitch. They live at home with their parents and can't agree - who should get the coveted driveway spot and who should trudge through the mud to get to their car?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Oh Brother, Where Parked Thou? Stephanie brings the case against her brother Mitch. They live at home with their parents and can't agree. Who should get the coveted driveway spot and who should trudge through the mud to get to their car? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. It's the judge's house and he owns it. He wanted the people he wanted in it and he doesn't want the people that I wanted in it. I can't stand being in this house. In the first place, it makes me terribly nervous. I'm scared to death of doors, locks, people roaming around in the chambers, under the trees,

in the bushes. I'm absolutely terrified. We better check on the judge and his cats. in the bushes, I'm absolutely terrified. We better check on the judge and his cats. He's a lot of fun. I hope he doesn't die. Judge John Hodgman, you don't have enough clothes on. Well, I'm going to get naked in just a minute, so you better watch out. Well, that's what I'm afraid of. Yeah, for what? Now, why? Why? I haven't got any warts on me. But John, the podcast, the podcast. I haven't got any warts on me.

That isn't the point, Judge John Hodgman. Oh, look, the cat's going to the bathroom right in back of my portrait. God, isn't that awful? No, I'm glad he is. I'm glad somebody's doing something he wanted to do. Swear them in, Bailiff Jesse. I'm taking my clothes off. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth And nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling Despite the fact that he has one of those

Mitt Romney-style car elevators That allows him to drive directly into his home And yet he doesn't use it Preferring to be conveyed by sedan chair? I do I do Very I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman?

Yeah, that's right. I don't use my car elevator. I just use it to store my banker's boxes full of Defenders comic books and broken blenders. And box fans. Thousands of box fans. You got to be careful with those demon drafts. Stephanie, we'll be talking about that later. Stephanie and Mitchell.

You prefer to be called Mitch, right? Mitch. Yes, please. All right. All right, Mitchell,

you may be seated for an immediate, immediate summary judgment in your, uh, one of yours favors. Uh, can either of you name the piece of culture that Jesse and I, uh, re, uh, re-imagined as we entered the courtroom.

Mitch? No. Okay, fine. No, I can't. I really can't. Okay, good. Did you have a guess? If I did, it would be a really bad one.

Okay, I'll allow it. Okay, that was also a lie. All right, good. Stephanie? Okay, I'll allow it. Okay, that was also a lie. All right, good. Stephanie? I'm going to say maybe it's a movie, but beyond that, I don't know. I'm going to say maybe it's a movie. Also could be a play.

Or a play. Could be an extended dialogue sequence in a book. Or a book. Or we could be speaking lyrics from a song. That too. That's presented in the form of dialogue. Perhaps a light opera. A non-rhyming light opera. All guesses are wrong!

The answer is Jesse and I were putting our unique spin on several lines of dialogue from the greatest American documentary, in my opinion, called Grey Gardens. Did you ever see it, you guys? No. I'm familiar with it, but I haven't seen it. You're familiar with it? Yeah. And no, you guys obviously are not from here where I am, but you're in Australia, right?

Yes. Yes, we're in Australia. Where are you from in Australia? Melbourne? Yes. Yes, we're in Australia. Where are you from in Australia? Melbourne. Melbourne. I've been there. And you are also in Melbourne, Australia, right, Stephanie? I am also in Melbourne, Australia.

Because you are a brother and sister, and you are grown men and women who live in your parents' home in Melbourne. That is correct, yes. Right, right, right. Because there's not a lot of room in Australia. Yeah, that's why. Right. It's all occupied. Yeah, yeah.

Every square meter of Australia is occupied currently. Yes. So you have to live at home. And Grey Gardens, if you don't know, and you ought to, honestly, You have to live at home. And Grey Gardens, if you don't know, and you ought to, honestly, is a documentary about a grown woman who lives with her elderly mother in a deteriorating mansion in East Hampton. And they came from wealth, but they have none left. And they are slowly growing increasingly deranged in their isolation as they wander through the halls of this or you know what the the the remainable wanderable halls the remainable the the remaining wanderable halls

that haven't been taken over by cats and raccoons they wander through here and and uh and throw accusations and sing tea for two together this is the most most amazing thing. And I think it was made in the 70s by David and Albert Maisels, the great documentarians who were also brothers, who grew up in Brookline, Massachusetts, where I am from. And I think they made it so that many years later, you too could watch it and learn about the perils of living at home. I might have to watch it then. It sounds like it might help me. The problem is that you both live at home. What are your ages? Stephanie, how old are you?

I'm 26. 26 years old. Just a moment, Mitch. Will you allow me to please finish my expression of amazement? Go for it. 26 years old. All right. Now that's done. Now, Mitch, how old are you? 22.

22 years old. You are on the bare cusp of this being appropriate, Mitch. And Stephanie, you are what we say, an old American term you might not be familiar with. You're beyond the cusp. We say that all the time, right, what we say, an old American term you might not be familiar with. You're beyond the cusp. We say that all the time, right, Jesse? Yeah, sure, all the time. I was just saying it to my friend yesterday. Yeah.

My American friend. Yeah, this steak sandwich is beyond the cusp. That's exactly, what a coincidence. That's exactly what I said. I said this steak sandwich with balsamic vinegar sauce was beyond the cusp. It was the sauce that pushed it over the cusp. Yeah. Let's make a note, Jesse.

That's our T-shirt for the day, beyond the cusp. I saw Jeffrey Rowland of Topatco or Topatico? Topatico. Topatco. MaxFunSt store.com, which is our store max fund store.com. And he's like, you, I saw him at the maximum fund con MFC max fund con over the weekend. He said, you guys need more t-shirts. People want them.

And I said, I know they do, but we don't have to keep remembering them. Remember when I could, when they come up, I have to they come up, I have to make these things up. So what was it again? Beyond the cusp. All right. Yeah. Eventually we'll get to you guys in Australia. I understand that you need to get to work.

Isn't that right, Mitch? You have a job. Yes, I do have a job. I work for an online auctions website. I work in their warehouse. Oh, all right. And you're paid a wage? Yes, I am.

Fantastic. Why are you living at home? I'm also a musician when I'm not working and I'm currently saving all the money I have because my band plans to come over to the States next year and record an album and play shows and hopefully stay there. So saving right now. You're pursuing the arts? Yes. And your mom and dad support this? Yes, they do. All right. And Stephanie, you also have a job, is that correct? Yes, I also have a job. Are you the reason we have the time limited, or is it Mitch's warehouse job that we got to break for? He starts earlier than me, so it's him. All right. What time is it in Australia? It's quarter to six in the morning.

Good heavens. Thank you guys for waking up early, by the way. That's okay. You're welcome. I appreciate it. You know, it's almost quitting time over here. It was really nice of your parents to get up early to cook you breakfast. If only that were true. That didn't happen. The toaster is not apparent. Yeah. What's interesting to me is that your parents aren't part of this dispute at all. May I presume that that is because you have murdered them?

No. Or why are they not on the line? When my sister has any arguments to present, it generally results in screaming. So my dad's come up with a new thing of just not being involved with the argument now. So it's come to you guys it must be so wonderful that you're still part of their lives oh so much this is this is what they worked for you know before i before i ask about your job stephanie which pays you a which pays you a wage i presume uh yes it does all right uh well let me ask you, what were or are your mom and or dad's jobs?

Dad works in business development, I guess. I love it when I love it. I love it. I couldn't ever describe what my dad did either. He is a businessman. I think it's a fancy way of saying sales. And my mom was a receptionist, but she hasn't worked for probably maybe nearly 10 years. Sure. All right. And is he still working, your dad?

Yes, he is. Sure. He's got to keep you guys fed and clothed. Yeah, exactly. His grown children. And what is your job? Are you able to describe your own job or no? I hope so.

I work in public relations. Oh, and they're in Melbourne, and do you make a wage? Yes, I do. So why are you living at home at the age of 26? I spent a slightly extended time at university, like a bit over five years. And then after the time that I was there, I spent a little bit of time traveling, kind of taking advantage of the fact that I lived at home and could save money to do that. And I'm kind of at a point in my career now where I can consider moving out.

But wait a minute, you're saying you're saying you're an Australian person? Yes. Who finished college college and then spent a lot of time wandering around the world, doing nothing. You must be the only, you must be the only one. Yeah.

Yeah. Very unusual. I've never heard of a, of a wandering Australian before. This is a joke. I have to explain to the, to the Americans, you know,

all my, all my beyond the cuspies who understand all my cult refs. is this is a shout out to all of our european fans who are constantly being whose homes and homelands are constantly being invaded by australians as they as they travel around doing nothing right that that's a that's a true stereotype is it not stephanie yeah it's true right to be fair they're not doing nothing. They're getting sunburns. They're getting sunburns and working on their dreads. Did you have dreadlocks at any point?

Absolutely not. All right. I like you. I like you now. Okay, good. All right. So when did you move home? When did you decide that this was not the life, being an Australian imitation hobo was not the life for you?

And you moved home. what age were you? I haven't lived overseas. I've just spent some time holidaying for extended periods of time. All right. Well, the point is you're 26 years old and you have a job. Why are you living at home? I guess ideally I would like to buy property and it's hard to save money to do that when you have to pay rent. And while my parents are happy to still have me, because they are, I guess I'm just taking full advantage of the situation. Well, the situation by which you mean them. Yeah, I guess so. Look, I have two children, an older daughter and a younger son. And I bet you, how old's your dad? How old is dad?

Oh, nice. That's pretty nice. That's nice. Are you sure your dad's alive? The faceless mannequin who does a job I don't understand is a certain number of moon turns. I don't know how old he is. I'm going to say 54.

But maybe 55. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. What day in year is your dad's birthday? I'm not even going to lie. Stephanie's trying to hand signal me. I'm really bad with birthdays. I don't know her birthday. I know it. It's the 10th of July, 1959.

Oh, okay. So you just couldn't do the math. Yeah. It's nearly 6 o'clock in the morning. That's my excuse. Yeah, that's fair. You know what? I'm thinking about it now. I can't do the math. He's 54. He's about to turn 54.

He's about to turn 54, right? He's about to turn 55. About to turn 55, right, right? Or is he? He's about to turn 55. About to turn 55. Right, exactly. Excuse me. Based on when this is being recorded. And all of you listeners out there in the far future who are going through the archives, you do your own math and figure out when we recorded this.

Make it a little game for yourself. It'll be beyond the cusp. Mitch? Yes? When is your mom's birthday? Make it a little game for yourself. It'll be beyond the cusp. Mitch. Yes. When is your mom's birthday? End year. Don't do any Australian sign language, Stephanie. She just did.

Again, I'm really bad with birthdays. I don't know. My sisters, I don't really know. Unless my phone warns me or someone mentions it a week or so beforehand i'm really bad with it it's the 28th of september 1956 the 28th of september 19 oh okay you can't be right when you guess two things that's my i'm not guessing but stephanie why are you trying to help him in any case he is your enemy in this case. You want you guys both. So the dispute is not over why your lives are in shambles and you can't get your ass together. That's just just a point of curiosity for me.

You're the dispute is over where to park in and around your parents home. I think it's just another way of her being right. Yes. Yeah. So far, so good. She knows her parents birthdays. You know what?, so good. She knows her parents' birthdays. You know what? 22 years old, you got to get on that.

Yeah, probably should, right? You're not nine. You're not nine. You got a job. Make a note. Learn this. Learn your parents' birthdays. Now you be quiet, including the chuckling,

while Stephanie tells the world why you are so wrong. Go, Stephanie, quick. Okay, so I've been parking in the driveway for some time now. I'm the older sibling as well, so I had a driver's license and a car first. I've been parking in the driveway for a while, and the secondary car park is actually on our front lawn. We have a slightly weirdly shaped driveway, which makes it not practical to park two cars beside one another. It also has to do with my dad's car being able to

easily be accessed from the garage. And that's been fine until recently Mitchell got a new car. And he's all of a sudden concerned about his car getting muddy from being on the lawn. And the mud is also my problem. I choose to park in the driveway because of my job. I often have a more corporate dress code and I wear high heels to work. And even when I don't wear high heels, my shoes are still nice and they're just not conducive to getting mud all over them. So that's why I don't want Mitchell to park in the driveway. And I would

like to remain as that as my carpet space. Now, I want to paint a picture because you sent in evidence. Yes. Which is a photo of your parents' home in Melbourne, Australia, a city that I visited and like very much, by the way. What is the neighborhood that you can be found in? We live in Wheeler's Hill. Wheeler's Hill. I don't know anything about that. It is, it is, this is, I have a photo of the home and the weird driveway.

It is a, looks like a, what we would call a ranch house, a one-story ranch house, but it's got a popped up second floor there. It's a nice suburban home and it's got an attached garage. And your mom and dad both have cars that live in that garage, right? Yes. All right. And so you two guys, you and your brother, have to park outside of the garage. There is a narrow driveway, which is where you currently park. And then the image that I have here is there is also a white pickup truck on the front lawn.

Yes. That is your pickup truck, Mitch? Yes. And is this the new car that you are concerned about getting dirty by parking on the lawn? Yes. Our pickups are a little different to yours. You guys have like big, bulky, manly pickups that actually carry stuff. Our ones, we call them Utes. And really, they just look like beefed up sports cars.

What do you call them? Utes? A Ute. It's like short for utility vehicle, I think. I don't know why we say that. Oh, I like that. Utes. like short for utility vehicle i think i don't know why oh oh i like that utes that's also a a nation of uh native americans in the united states that's why we have that's why we have utah just a little that's you know what two cultures separated by a common language

any case uh here is something that i observe um uh that might not be playing to the naked eye and which I really would like to bring out to our listeners. There's a pickup truck on the lawn of your house. Do you understand how, how profoundly wrong that is? Your parents' front lawn is not a parking space, you guys. I don't know how you do things over there in Australia. But over here, if you park a pickup truck on the front lawn of your house,

you are sending a distinct cultural message. on the front lawn of your house, you are sending a distinct cultural message. Is the problem that you're living in like movie version of 1970s New York, where if you park your car off premises, it's going to be stripped of its hubcaps immediately? Mostly the reason that we park on the property is that both of our insurance policies state that that's what we do. Right. So if you park on the street, then you're in violation and the Australian insurance police are going to come.

Well, if something were to happen. And put you in an insurance insurance. No, no, no, I understand. Look, I understand. No, no, no, I understand. Look, I understand. The problem isn't that you are lying about your insurance issue. The problem is that you all need to, this home cannot support four vehicles parked on the property because it is a small suburban lot, correct?

Correct. When did you start parking it on the lawn, Mitch? Pretty much the day I got my first car. Dad was happy to. That's where he told me to park it to, I guess, to avoid these sort of arguments. But they sprung up anyway after I kept getting covered in mud every time I went to go to my car on a wet day. But, yeah, so probably it's been four years now that I've been parking it on the lawn. How many other homes on your street have cars parked on the lawn

in front? Uh, at least half or more. It's pretty common here. It's pretty common. So maybe that's a different, maybe you're not sending the same cultural signal that having a pickup on the lawn sends in the United States. I'm trying to figure out a way to describe what that cultural signal

is, Jesse, without being classist and snobby. It means, gee whiz, means you have an excess of vehicles and a shortage of parking spots, which usually suggests that you care more about the number of vehicles you, I can't do it, Hajme. Yeah, no, I know.

It's a conundrum. It's a conundrum. But it usually signals that something is out of balance in the way you are... Priorities in the way you are keeping your home are a little out of balance. Let's put it that way. And that is especially so if you have a bathtub in your front lawn, for example. But here's the thing, you guys. I'm looking at this front lawn and I'm looking at this pickup truck.

This is the old car, right? The ute? Or is this the new one? That's the new one. All right. So this is the one that's precisely at the part of this dispute. Yes. All right.

And I see, you know, I see this lawn. It's a green lawn. And you are talking about both of you don't want to park on the lawn because of the mud issue. You go into this thing and you get out or into the car and you are covered in mud. But this is a regular green lawn. But this is a regular green lawn. And if this were truly a lawn that was as sodden with rain and mud as you suggest it is, I don't understand how you are parking it up there without having already caused over four years deep, muddy ruts. It's on the verge of that. I get instructions not only to not park in the driveway, but to shift the exact

position of my car every time I park there because it's creating tyre tracks that are just pretty much mud paths. So, yeah. The mud also happens in, it's about four days into winter here and Melbourne in particular is quite wet in the winter. So, it's more of an issue in the winter months. wet in the winter. So it's more of an issue in the winter months. I see. And so for the past four years, Mitch has always been on the lawn and you've always been in the driveway. Is that correct, Stephanie? Yeah. Right. Okay. And you want to keep it this way? Yeah, absolutely. All right. Mitch, why should you switch it up? Okay. Well, wait, before you answer, let me just, quick question, Stephanie, what do you drive? I drive a Ford Fiesta. It's a small hatchback.

Oh, no, no, I've heard of a Ford Fiesta. Thank you very much. I'll let that pass without comment. Yeah, quit bragging. What is the name of your car it's a it's a toyota right isn't it mine what is it yeah no my it's um uh holden you made up holden you yeah that's what that's what i wanted to hear stephanie was some weird made up australian car name. Why can't we? Why isn't it just the Ford didgeridoo or whatever?

Don't you? I thought the whole point of Australia was that we would have the same thing, but you'd have different names for it. Sometimes we do. The Vauxhall Boomerang? Yeah! Vauxhall Boomerang is what it's called from now on. And that's another t-shirt. I want,

I want a Vauxhall boomerang boomer, boomerang logo by 5. PM. Get, get on an internet t-shirts. That's how we make our money in podcasts. All right. So,

uh, uh, why should we switch it up? Why should the, why should the Vauxhall boomerang, uh, uh, Kiwi fivespeed be moved to the lawn? Okay, pretty much I'm not wanting to reverse the situation entirely. I don't think either of us should have to walk through the mud

while the other one gets the driveway. I've always tried to park in the driveway because I'm home first and I leave first in the morning, but that didn't really really work so to avoid a screaming match i gave up and i got my new car and um it's far nicer than my old one so i kind of i like to keep it clean i spent i wash it on the weekends because i'm going to be driving around and no one wants to be in a white car covered in mud because i guess a pickup truck covered in mud and a dude driving it sends a stereotype as well. And I might not have as fancy of a job as Stephanie or a real job like Stephanie, as she called it last night, but I still need to be presentable. I don't work outside. I have to

deal with customers. I have to deal with representatives of whoever's stock we're getting delivered. And I have to deal with office staff whoever's stock we're getting delivered. And I have to deal with office staff who are all dressed in nice suits and I got to go in there and they don't want someone traipsing mud or looking like a hobo coming in. So my appearance is just as valuable to my job as well. So I was suggesting that we either just alternate every two days. I get the driveway for two days. She get the driveway for two days she gets the driveway for two days that way we just get to bounce back and forth and also i don't think she mentioned with her shoe issue of her shoes being dirty um she bought her ford fiesta which has a compartment

underneath the passenger seat which is advertised for girls as a shoe storage compartment where she could keep her heels if she was going somewhere fancy. Now we're getting somewhere. If you're telling me the Australian Ford Fiesta has a shoe drawer in it, now I'm beginning to feel like this is a foreign car. That's weird. I don't think it's exclusively a shoe drawer. I think they advertised it as such.

It's just some additional storage. Could you also keep your skewers for the Barbie there? What dumb word do you guys have for galoshes? Gumboots. Gumboots. All right. That's pretty good, actually. Galoshes, I think, is arguably dumber than gumboots. Yeah, I'd go with that. Some people call them wellingtons arguably dumber than gumboots yeah i'd go with some people call them wellingtons but yeah or or right so you're so mitch your solution is that every every couple of days stephanie parks in the lawn and she wears her gumboots out to the car and she keeps her

her heels in the uh in the in the heel storage container no she can wear and we all have really dodgy pairs of sneakers that like we don't really care too much about she can just wear her sneakers drive in them most girls say they don't want to drive in heels anyway so just keep the nice pair of shoes in the compartment change when you get to work comfort you mean and it'll be clean you're talking what the dodgy pair of what sneaks you mean trainers yes you mean soft soles? Yes. Soft shoes? Yes.

Stephanie, why is this not acceptable, an alternating arrangement, two days a week or whatever? Well, I just think that my reason for wanting to park in the driveway is more valid. And Mitchell is already appropriately attired. It's a lot easier to clean the mud off a pair of safety shoes or work boots as they are. You can just wipe them down or knock them on the doormat. Whereas if I have a pair of heels that are made of, I don't know, suede, for example, if you get mud on those, they're ruined. Yeah, but you don't have to wear them out to the car. I think Mitch is making a pretty compelling argument that you can change your shoes. And it's not uncommon for men or women, if they have shoes that they need to wear

in a professional situation, to not wear them on their way to the job. Sure. I guess it's just... Did you not read the yuppie handbook in 1985 or whatever? I must have missed that one. People, people would wear their trainers on the subway and then change into nice shoes at work. Yeah, no, I don't do that. So your argument is that you simply have an overwhelm, an overarching priority. Yeah.

That, that determines that you should get the more desirable parking spot every day, no matter what. Just on weekdays. I'm happy for him to have it on the weekend. Why is that not acceptable, Mitch? Well, for starters, we all know the week has more days, so we're already not splitting it fair, and

she knows that on the weekend... I don't know anything about the Australian calendar. So, and on the weekends weekends most of the time like everybody else you sleep in sometimes you don't go anywhere so really she knows she just parks she'll park on the lawn on the weekends because the chances are she'll leave the house maybe once or twice and only have to walk on the lawn like maybe once on a weekend so yeah that's why i why not why not why not park on the street um because we're our house is actually a second from the corner and it's a pretty blind corner blocked by trees and there's a lot of idiots that come speeding around it and cars have been hit on the other side people come past and take off mirrors and all that and if that happens our insurance won't pay for it and i

already had a car accident that I needed to. That's why I have a new car. Stephanie, have you suggested to your father that he just pave over his front lawn so that you guys can enjoy a better existence in the home that you haven't paid for? He actually suggested that. Did he really?

Yeah, he really did. You truly have beaten this poor man into submission that that being said he he sometimes has these ideas that don't come to fruition for like three or four years so i doubt it's going to happen it was going to happen about two years ago and hasn't since so we look oh i i i appreciate your way the way you're trying to turn this like, my dad's a real procrastinator. What a drag. If he paved over his front lawn, you guys, that would be an Australian tragedy.

It wouldn't be the whole front lawn. How dare you? How dare you? How long is this going to go on, Stephanie? How long are you going to be living at home? I hope that not for more than another 12 months. All right. And is that a year in Australia, like here?

Yes. All right, good. Another year. All right. Mitch, when are you getting out of town? Yeah, about 12 months, hopefully. Maybe a little bit earlier, but around 12 months. Is that about a year? Yeah. Yeah 12 months. Is that about a year?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Roughly about a year. All right. And, uh, and who, and, and, and are you living in your rooms that you grew up in? Yes. Mitch?

Yep. Have you ever thought about switching or trading? No, I like my room better and I just painted it black, so I'm going to keep it. Are you sure you're 22 and not 13? Well, no, I'm just more Addams Family-esque, I guess, than the rest of my family. They're more like the Osbournes. Did you put up some black lights also? No, there are no black lights.

It's just, it's creepy and black. And some trippy Hendrix posters? No, it's not like hippie black lights it's just it's creepy and some trippy hendrix posters no it's not like what's your favorite band um of all time midnight oil no of all time would be kiss what i thought you said you were a musician oh oh oh we need a separate john john hodgman hodgman podcast for arguing about kiss. We can't argue about kiss. There only is one. It's called Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardow.

The moment you told me you painted your room black, I had to hit the cough button because that one made me laugh so hard I hacked up about a gallon of mucus. What color is your room, Stephanie? It's blue. And it has been the entire time? Since I was about 16. Right, because you're the good older sister and Mitch is the bad younger brother. That is correct.

I got you guys pegged. I know everything I need to know. Mitch has got to get to work soon, so I'm going to go into I'm going to go into chambers and and and and do a little have a little walkabout. And I'll think about this and I'll come back to you in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Stephanie, how are you feeling about your chances in the case? I'm not not awesome. Mitchell actually presented a much better argument than I thought he would. I mean, certainly considering his favorite band of all time is Kiss.

Yeah. He's the first person under 40 that I've ever heard have that opinion in my entire life. Maybe he needs to go to an arena football game. You're invited, Mitchell. You can go to a Kiss themed arena football game with me in Los Angeles Mitchell. You can go to a Kiss-themed arena football game with me in Los Angeles anytime you want. Mitchell, how are you feeling about your chances? I'm feeling pretty good. I always knew I had a good argument. That's why I agreed to go on the podcast.

I thought Judge John Hodgman would probably hear it and realize that splitting it half-half is pretty fair. So I'm feeling pretty good. Not so much about the kiss part of this, but yeah. Do you think that it would be possible for you to change your insurance? If I want to pay a really large amount of money. They're already really harsh on people under 25 because of those ute driving types. under 25 because of those driving types.

Because of people who keep getting in accidents that they already have to pay for. Right, Mitch? Yeah. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say when we come back in just a minute. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

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Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. please rise as judge john hodgman re-enters the courtroom okay so uh i've done some meditation on this i went into dream time and i and i thought it through now i'll come back that i believe that my my entire that dream time reference is reference to a mid-1980s marvel comic book called contestest of the Champions, where there was an Aboriginal superhero from Australia that was introduced

who would go into Dreamtime. And I think that that's a thing, but I'm not sure that it is. Does that track with you guys at all? Does that mean anything to you? Is there an Aboriginal term called Dreamtime? Yes, but i think if you released a comic book with an aboriginal superhero who went into dream time it'd probably be considered pretty racist now oh really yeah it's no but i mean no but he was a he he was no i mean he was a

he was a hero you understand what i'm saying like yeah this was their attempt. This was their attempt to educate the dumb comic book nerds of the world about Aboriginal culture. But if I said something offensive, I deeply apologize. You definitely did not just think the comic book would probably pass now. that I'm looking at on Marvel.com looks pretty contemporary. You know, Judge Hodgman, nothing has been revealed about the origin of the indigenous Australian known only as Gateway

before he was forced into service by the Reavers, a band of criminal cyborgs who used Gateway's teleportational abilities to travel from place to place. The Reavers had threatened to destroy a place

sacred to his people in a way that would make it impossible for it to be re-consecrated and would force the spirits of their ancestors to be enslaved by demons and walk forever lost in the spiritual dream time. Well, that's interesting. But the one I was thinking of, according to Wikipedia's Marvel Superhero Contest of Champions, which was 1982, I take it back, nerds, was Talisman. But then Talisman was also the name of Shaman's daughter in Alpha Flight. So I don't know what was going on. The new international heroes that were introduced in Contest of Champions were Blitzkrieg, Germany,

which was a terrible idea. Collective Man, China, oh, terrible. Argentina's was Defensor. Wait, we're concerned about the Aboriginal one being offensive? And there was one called Blitzkrieg? Blitzkrieg, I know. In France, it was Peregrine for the Peregrine Falcon, and he just flew around. And then Ireland, of course, was Shamrock, which was a female superhero.

And then Talisman went to Dreamtime. In any case, look, I thought it over is the point I'm trying to say. And I apologize to all the people that I offended. And first of all, you understand that no matter whose side I find on, I find in favor of your parents who made this home for you to live in. Yeah. in favor of your parents who made this home for you to live in. Yeah.

And whose front lawn you want to pave over, and your only anger is that your dad isn't getting around to paving over his front lawn fast enough for you. Your poor mom and dad. Now, Stephanie, you are the older sibling You have rights and privileges That fall to the older sibling Which is the right and privilege To complain about the special treatment

The younger sibling has been getting his entire life And I think that Mitch Who has painted his room black Probably deserves some screaming at From time to time I also Think that Mitch probably who has painted his room black, probably deserves some screaming at from time to time. I also think that Mitch probably, you know, has gotten the smaller room over the years.

Is that not right, Stephanie? That's correct. Yeah, his room is slightly smaller, but he chose that room. Smaller room. He chose it because he didn't have enough black paint for the big room, I guess. Yeah. Right. Another argument could be made that Mitch being younger really ought to be staying at home longer, or at least it's less offensive that he is at home and therefore should enjoy more of the privilege of parking in the driveway, a more privileged situation. more of the privilege of parking in the driveway, a more privileged situation. Or you could argue that you've probably been living at home a lesser amount of time, and therefore you should get the

better parking space, Stephanie. But here's the thing, you guys. Stephanie, your argument amounts to Mitch is younger, less important, and probably dumber, and therefore deserves to look like feces all the time. Whereas you make more money and wear nicer clothes, and therefore you deserve to not look bad all the time. I will point out that neither of you sent in any evidence of either of you looking bad. Neither of you sent in any evidence of either of you looking bad. And the evidence that you have shown suggests that there might be a two-foot patch of grass between the walkway and the car, in which you are both portraying yourselves as getting covered in mud. I have no evidence that any of this really happens in your lives. You could probably open that car door, reach over without even walking on the lawn,

reach over, open the car door, and jump into that ute. We drive on the other side of the road, so our driver's seat is on the other side of the car. Climb through, sir. Climb through. What happened to Australian pluck? Australian pluck. But since you both agree that taking a few steps on a muddy lawn is going to ruin your clothes for the rest of the day. And since you both have the exact same complaint over use of the lawn versus use of the driveway.

And I understand why you don't want to pay any money to park to your insurance in order to park legally on the street, because that's a good idea. You want to get out of there as quickly as possible. You've got to save that money up, give your parents some peace that they deserve. Then the only thing I have to go on is really who's who who has more right to the lawn versus the driveway? The driveway is stipulated to be the better parking space. Which between you has more right to do it? And the answer is obviously none of you. Neither of you. It's not your house.

I know it's going to gall you, Stephanie. But if you guys were exactly the same age, if you were weird adults who had rented rooms in the home of an elderly couple because you were weirdos who couldn't take care of yourselves, and you had no familial relationship to them or to each other, and you were the same age, obviously the answer would be you're going to alternate between the good parking space, whether it's every other day, every other three days, every other two days, every other week. You're going to alternate it, and it's going to be even. It's going to be equal, and you're going to find ways to avoid having the problem, which is so avoidable. Wear a different pair of shoes. Be careful when you get into the car.

Stop dive rolling into your car, whatever it is you're doing. If there is indeed a problem with getting all muddy, and I doubt there is, I think that it's been manufactured in order to make this fight seem more important than it is. Or to make your argument, Stephanie, seem more important than it is. And to lord things over your dumb brother with his blacklight lamps. I don't have any blacklights. And his fuzzy posters. Oh, sir, you are in a Kiss tribute band for heaven's sake.

We might as well be. Don't get all snobby with me now. The answer, obviously, is that you're going to split use of the driveway. And not merely will that be fair between the two of you, but it will be fairer to your dad because the alternating vehicles parking on the lawn in different places will damage his damage, his lawn more evenly. Let's put it that way. Won't slow the damage, but it'll damage the lawn more evenly. And arguably, you know, I might even say, Stephanie, that you should be parking on the lawn much more than Mitch because your car is lighter and will do less damage. But the fact is Mitch made his dumb decision when he got a pickup truck.

Going to live with it. 50-50. Figure out something between the two of you. What is it going to be? Is it going to be every other day, every other two days, every other three days, or every other week? My vote's for three days. I reckon it's long enough that you feel like you're getting a good, a fair share, but it's not too much. Do you accept three days, Stephanie? Yeah, I can probably live with that. Good. That's a deal. This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Mitch, how are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty good I got the result that I wanted And yeah, I think it was a really fair ruling So yeah, I'm good Stephanie, how are you feeling? Yeah, look, I'm not surprised at the result

I guess I have to go and buy a pair of gumboots now Stephanie Mitchell, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast Thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast Thanks for having us Hello teachers and faculty This is Janet Varney I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast The JV Club with Janet Varney Is part of the curriculum for the school year

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call

S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, how are you? Tea for two and two for tea.

A boy for you, a girl for... Ah, ah, ah, Jesse! That's my imitation of Big Edie from Grey Gardens, Jesse. It's a really good imitation. I could do... I could play that role. I could have played that role on Broadway. John Travolta style? The Grey Gardens musical is great, by the way.

It didn't last very long on Broadway, but I'm going to mount, what do you call it, a revival of it, starring me as Big Edie. Do you think we could do it maybe at George R. R. Martin's Theater in Santa Fe, where you just won? It seems like a good venue to me. Jesse, it didn't occur to me, you know, yesterday, and all of you guys who are doing math out there, in the far future, when you're listening through the archives, you're going to be able to figure out the precise day that we recorded this,

based on Stephanie's inability to remember her father's birthday or how old he was. All you need to figure it out is an astrolabe. And yesterday was my birthday. And it began at midnight in Santa Fe I had just finished a show with John Roderick Of BoatParty.biz At George R.R. Martin's movie theater in Santa Fe The clock struck twelve

And George R.R. Martin handed me a piece of cake With a candle in it And we sang Happy Birthday, my version of it, to the tune of the Alphabet Song. Because that's in the public domain. And then John Roderick took my cake and ate it. Because I don't have a sweet tooth, I have an alcohol molar. And then John Roderick, someone took a picture of this happening. And it was not until June 4th.

Or no, excuse me. This was, so it is June 4th now. You guys, I gave it away. I gave away the game. It was June 3rd, later that day, after I went to sleep and woke up again on my birthday, as I'm flying away out of Santa Fe's beautiful little play school toy airport. But I saw this Instagram picture of George R.R. Martin giving me a cake with a candle on it and John Roderick eyeing that cake, licking his lips

like a wolf in a Warner Brothers cartoon that I realized George R.R. Martin gave me a birthday cake in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Why do I not notice how weird my life is while it's happening? It was the greatest birthday. Although I miss my family. And so, yes, I will play... I will play Big Edie. Are you suggesting George R.R. Martin play Little Edie?

How did we get onto this? I hadn't suggested it explicitly, but I had let that idea lie to be picked up by anyone who happened to be passing by. Oh yeah, no, we could mount it at the Jean Cocteau. And Little Edie will be played by a different person every night

that we recruit from the Santa Fe Denny's, where John Roderick and I had pot roast and chicken fried steak at one o'clock in the morning. And every booth told a story and every story was a tragedy. Isn't that the national slogan for Denny's?

Where every booth tells a story and every story is a tragedy? There were some really interesting stories. Moons over Miami, $2.99. If we just said to everyone at Denny's in Santa Fe, like every night we'll go out to Denny's and say, hey, do you want to be in a Broadway-style play?

Any one of those people could have been Little Edie completely. Totally. That was great. That was a great time. Thanks for coming out, everybody who listens to the podcast or the John Roderick on the Line podcast or who has purchased tickets or is going to purchase tickets for BoatToParty.biz featuring John Roderick. Yeah. Where were we? We were about to get into some information about draft demons.

Oh, right, because of our last international case. Draft demons. Oh, right, because of our last international case. Yeah, so we had a case not long ago with a German couple. And one of the issues that came up was this old wives' tale in Germany about how drafts are actually evil spirits slipping through windows and doors. And so they cause colds and illnesses. Luftzug. Yeah, exactly. What many Germans believe.

And on the forum and in the comments on our blog and on our Facebook page, we got a lot of other draft-related issues. For example, a Chilean listener told us that people are afraid of corrientes de aire, which is wind currents, which can be formed between two open windows. So, you know, a cross breeze. Sure. And you might get, they say in Chile that you might get air inside your back. And if you sit between two open windows and there's a breeze going through it, you're going to get air inside your back. Yeah.

And you get the air pulled out by something that is like the pseudo-medical practice of cupping. That's such a compelling... Now I'm wondering, do I have air inside my back? That feels so weird. There's part of me that intuitively knows exactly

what that is and how bad that feels. Air inside your back, although it doesn't exist. Someone told us there's something similar in Pakistan and something similar in Estonia. And then we got this from Daniel. He says, I'm Korean and I was reminded of my youth when my folks would warn me that I would die if I left a fan on while sleeping. I'm living proof that this is not true.

I'm close to 40 and sleep with an air circulating fan in the on position all night long. Yeah, I had gotten a different emails as well from people in Korea talking about this called fan death. And it turns out there's a Wikipedia page devoted to fan death. And they're like warnings on the on the box fans in in Korea, telling people don't use this in a room with closed windows or you will die. Yeah, and this is not to be confused with fanboy death, which is where you overheat in your Jabba the Hutt costume.

That was a stupid joke. I always, I like that one. Okay, thanks. I always like, I always, I was trying to think of another hut that I could mention from Clone Wars, but I couldn't remember. I don't know any of the other huts. There's a hut on Clone Wars. Now I got to find it.

You know, Clone Wars started out and everyone was like, not this. But it has come to be basically the rehabilitation among the star wars fan community of the entire miss of every misstep of the prequel movies clone wars it turns out is lots of fun very smart and you actually care about the characters in way you don't and there a character there's a young hut. Oh, come on. Come on. Jimmy the Hut?

Jabba the Hut's son. Little Billy the Hut? Rota the Hut, but that's not the one I'm looking for. Rota the Hut? Everyone. Is that a 70s sitcom hut? Alright, hang on.

Pause the recording for a moment. No, don't pause the recording. Clone Wars hut. Here's how I'm going to find it. Truman Capote. Zero the hut. I knew it. Zero the hut. Who sounds exactly like Truman

Capote? I couldn't believe that they gave this hut Truman Capote's voice. And I'm not even going to try. I guess this is Jabba the Hutt's uncle. And there's lots of speculation as to whether or not Hutts, if they have a gender,

whether he is a gay Hutt or not. I don't know. There you go. Here's something from Jared. I'm a 14-year-old. The lack of comment, the disgust that you... I just don't have any input on the Hutts.

What's the name of that little guy that jumps on top of Jabba the Hutt? Salacious Crown. I had the toy of that guy. It was a hand-me-down. But I did not have Jabba the Hutt, which would have been way better to have. People always used to tell me that, or

specifically Christine, Jonathan Colton's wife, would always tell me that if I slept with a fan on my face, I would get Bell's Palsy. Partial paralysis of the face. But I think that's an urban legend as well. I think everyone, if we knew that fans were killing or paralyzing people every day, box fans, we would know about it. Yeah, I think so too. All right. Here's something from Jared. I'm a 14-year-old from the Kansas City area. I like comics, video games, and just about every other type of nerd culture out there. My mom's been very enthusiastic and

supported me in all of this, and we have a great relationship. We do disagree on one thing. I'm very interested in cosplay. I'd like to take it up as a hobby and make some friends in the community, but my mom's not supportive. She finds it ridiculous and is uncomfortable with the sexualization of some of the female characters. Oh, so based on the joke you made earlier about fanboy death, may we conclude that you are this kid's mom, Jesse? She can be very condescending when we argue about this. Even if we manage a somewhat civilized conversation, Mom will throw in eye rolls or will look at her cell phone

instead of focusing on our talk. I seek an order for my mom to converse with me about cosplay with no more sarcasm than our household would have at any other time. I hope she will be more open to me making a costume. I would also seek damages for Mom and I to attend a Comic-Con type of event where I would debut my very first costume.

Look, if your mom is truly loving and supportive and you have suggested that that is so, that is wonderful and that is great and that is enough. You are of an age, young man, Jared, is that right? Yeah, his name is... young man, Jared. Is that right? Yeah, his name is Jared. Let's presume that Jared is a boy. And if it's a if it's a name for a girl, I apologize. But either way, you are of an age where you are, you may now engage with your mom and dad in a more adult manner, which is to say that they may be supportive and loving, but they can also give you their opinions about stuff and you can deal with it. I mean, I'm not saying that they should be bullying you or anything else, but if your fandom goes to a place that makes your mom or dad feel uncomfortable

or they think it's hilarious or they think that it's embarrassing, they can say, no, I don't think that's for me. And you should be able to deal with it. You're not a child anymore. And mom and dad no longer have a responsibility to say that everything you do is the greatest thing in the world. As long as they don't, you know, belittle you or make accusations about you, but in fact are simply rolling their eyes quietly, that is something that all teenagers have to learn to deal with. If you are going to get involved in cosplay, you will find lots and lots and lots of people at those conventions

who are going to love what you do. And you also will find lots and lots and lots of peoples out there in the world who are going to find what you do a little bit threatening or weird or hilarious or whatever it is. You know, just because you're putting on a bunch of armor doesn't mean your skin doesn't need to be thick a little bit. So, so long as your mom supports you a certain amount, but this is the area where she doesn't quite get into it. It's not her cup of tea. Just let her have her thing. You do your thing. but this is the area where she doesn't quite get into it. It's not her cup of tea. Just let her have her thing.

You do your thing. Make the costume. And over time, maybe she'll come around. We have one last item on the docket here. It is a suggestion from Eric Peterson. We had a case not long ago that entailed an order to have a two-thirds, one-third arrangement on the music played on a long car ride. contains twice as many songs from one person as it does from the other, and then setting it to random, and thus it would naturally play twice as many of one person's songs, which I think is a nice and practical solution. And I would say, you know, you could even remember that you could just put everything on, everything, all of the songs from one person on the list twice, so they come up twice as frequently.

I wish that I had thought of that elegant solution myself, and I'm grateful to the listener for writing in, Eric P., we'll say. And the nice thing about it is that while the driver has ultimate veto, if he or she vetoes a song that isn't his or hers on the list, it's like a roll of the dice. Who knows what the next one might be? So there's an incentive there to endure a song that may not be your thing

in order to, and maybe you'll learn a little bit more about what the other person likes. I like that. I like that. Thank you, Eric. And by the way, Jared, you know, one other thing about cosplay, you know, everyone needs a little bit of artistic feedback in their creative life. What if you wanted to dress up like Talisman from Contest of Champions, which would be at best extremely esoteric and at worst racist, and your mom said maybe pick something more mainstream, that would be good feedback for you. Not everyone's going to tell you you're great all the time. Except you're great. You are great. If you're great and someone else thinks you're not, you might have a dispute for Judge John Hodgman. Go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho

or email it to Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. Hey, guess what, Judge Hodgman? I can't guess. Good. Because I can just tell you, I mean, there's no need for a game. We just added one of the greatest stand-up comics in the world to BoatParty.biz, Mr. Todd Barry. Oh, I was going to guess who it was. Oh, really?

Yeah, I was going to guess, is it Bod Terry? That's wrong. That's not a real person. That's just Todd Barry with the first letters transposed. Do I get points for being close? I mean, it's not that close. It's a weird, it's a non-person. It's not even a human being.

I mean, if you said to me, Greg Fitzsimmons, I mean, yeah, sure. They're both stand-up comedians. They both have East Coast roots. They're both medium to small in stature. But if you just say Bod Terry, Bod Terry is just nonsense sounds. Is it Yod Larry? No, see, now you're adding new letters. Now it's not even...

Somewhere in the world, Yod Larry is listening to this and crying because you don't think he's real. Or she. I don't know what kind of name Yod is. It could be like Jared. Well, it's like Father Yod from The Source Family. Oh, or Yehoah. Yeah, that's a great documentary, The Source Family. Oh, or Yehoah. That's a great documentary, The Source Family.

Isn't that awesome? Let's start a cult, Judge Hodgman. That's where the action is. Maybe next time I'll talk to you a little bit about my experiences doing an off-the-cuff cult-starting during pub quiz at Max Funcom last weekend. That sounds fun. But right now, you were saying something about the great comedian, Laud Harry. Yeah, we just added Todd Barry, who really is one of the funniest stand-up comedians in the country. That is true.

Yeah, I mean, if you're not familiar with Todd, he was just recently the first comic ever to be selected personally by Louis C.K. to release his special through Louis C.K.'s website. Louis produced it himself because he's such a fan of Todd's work. And, I mean, he's just really one of the funniest guys I've ever seen in a stand-up club. I just have so much admiration for Todd. I'm so glad he's coming. So if you haven't got your tickets, you've really only got a couple weeks left before they go off sale. So go to boatparty.biz. It's July 25th through 28th, and we're headed to the Bahamas. So come join us. And if you would like to see me, John Hodgman, you can always go to johnhodgman.com slash tour. I'm about to disappear into the internetless hills of New England for

much of July and August myself. We will be setting up a Western Massachusetts Pioneer Valley Judge John Hodgman meetup. It's been long promised and we are going to do it this summer. So please subscribe to my Tumblr, johnhodgman.com or my Twitter at Hod at Hodgman, or go to johnhodgman.com slash tour if you don't live in Western Massachusetts and want to learn what I'm going to be coming to, well, among other places, Birmingham, Alabama, where I'm going to be at the Bottle Tree with Jason Sims of the Sadness Tree Dispute from episode five or whatever of Judge John Hodgman. Jason from Huntsville is going to join me on stage

and we're going to have a good time. That'll be a great meetup. My thanks to, and I presume your thanks as well, Judge Hodgman. I'll see. To Mike Kennedy, who named this week's episode. You should like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. Just search for Judge John Hodgman on Facebook. You can also like John Hodgman or me on Facebook.

We're also on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne and Hodgman is at Hodgman. And all of those will give you access not only to announcements when the case gets posted, but cool miscellaneous stuff and links to evidence and all kinds of neat, fun stuff. You know, neat, fun stuff. You know? Neat, fun stuff. Yeah. Our producer is Julia Smith. Our editor is Mark McConville.

And I think that's about it. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You know what, Jesse? Now that I've thought about it, I do thank Mike Kennedy. Bye.