Judge John Hodgman - Ocean Spray-beus Corpus Live in Philadelphia

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

Can two frozen cranberry sauces with googly eyes be friends? How long should their freezer friendship last? Julia would like to evict them from her freezer. But her friend, Kristina, says that they have more life in them! Plus: cases about jump scares and Philadelphia transit. Recorded LIVE in Philadelphia!Tickets are still available for most of the West Coast Road Court dates. Go to maximumfun.org/events for links and more! We are on TikTok and YouTube! Follow us on both @judgejohnhodgmanpod! Follow us on Instagram @judgejohnhodgman.Thanks to reddit user u/dense-Virus-1692 for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, keep an eye on the Maximum Fun subreddit at reddit.com/r/maximumfun! Judge John Hodgman: Road Court is happening NOW! Get your tickets at maximumfun.org/events.

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am Bailiff Jesse Thorne and with me is Judge John Hodgman. This week's episode was recorded live on stage in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Man did we have a great time at the City Wannery. We really had a great time. We talked to some lovely Philadelphians about jump scares and local transit. I was frankly horrified to meet a couple of anthropomorphic cranberry sauces named Bob and Barry.

So I have to listen to it. This is a wild episode, a truly wild episode. Let's go to the stage at City Wannery in Philadelphia. People of Philadelphia, you asked us for live justice and we're here to deliver it. The Court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome to the stage, Ariel and Joe.

Ariel and Joe have been together since they were in high school. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. Well, Joe, being duplicitous as he is, often likes to play jokes on me. But that means words. Joe likes to play jokes on you. Often. I see. And this joke involved what? A six-foot-tall animatronic Jack Skellington.

Oh. From A Nightmare Before Christmas, directed by Henry Selick. Not Tim Burton. Henry Selick directed that picture, as well as a little movie called Horror Line. Thank you very much for giving me a chance to buzz market that film, the one that I was in.

Judge Hodgson, you know how you can tell Henry Selick directed that movie? No. Because Jack Skellington is literally just what Henry Selick looks like. Just, you know, very skinny and scary. Well, we're... Very handsome, very handsome also.

Let's take a look. We have a picture of the Jack Skellington. There we go. If you don't know, that's Jack Skellington, also known as Henry Selick. And you, Arielle, you use this to decorate for Halloween and Christmas and so forth. Yes, both, Halloween and Christmas.

Right, how do you use it during Christmas? Well, when we use them during Christmas, he wears a Santa hat. Sure, like so. Yes, and I'm he wears a Santa hat. Sure, like so. Yes. And I'm working on a Santa suit as we speak to get it ready for Christmas. Now, I don't even know what your dispute is yet.

OK. But I'm going to choose a winner right now. Awesome. I hope it's me. Joe. Is Nightmare Before Christmas a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie? I think it's both. If I'm forced to choose... I am forcing you!

I say Christmas. Hmm. And Ariel? Halloween. And the answer is? Halloween! We'll go ahead and hear the case. I don't know either. So Joe, what did you do with this Jack Skellington? So, when I was putting him away for the season,

I was putting him down in the basement, and I decided to kind of tilt him so that when Ariel came around the corner, all she would see is Jack's head, right about eye level. Can you give us... I think we have some evidence that's available on our showp... Okay, there we go.

There's a record show. There's a photo of the basement, which is intrinsically creepy without even a Skellington in it. Jackson is peeking around the corner and there is a caption here that I presume you put here, Joe, that says the trap is set. Yes, your honor.

And the trap, I mean, it was to trap your beloved. Yes. Into terror. Yes, Your Honor. And how did you get her to go down the stairs to freak out? She actually went downstairs before I was prepared. I had hoped to have a camera in the basement to catch her actual view. Sure.

She went down before I was ready, so I only... You wanted to have like five different cameras going, different angles and stuff. Right, so I could submit it to a TV show. But you did manage to get some footage, correct? From the top of the stairs, so unfortunately you can't see Ariel, but you can hear her reaction. Let's take a look and listen. Ah! Jesus Joseph! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Should we, John? I need to see that again, because I may have missed some of it. I agree, and if we could make it much louder, that would be terrific. Ah! Jesus Joseph! Ha ha ha ha! What are the words that you said? Did you make them out, Jesse?

It was, ah, Jesus Joseph! Jesus Joseph. What's amazing is that Joe managed to create a prank, the premise of which was turning his wife into my Irish stepmother when she's mad at me. What? Jesus Mary, and always said, Joseph, Jesse, get your fecking things together.

Go on a fecking church. Arielle, are you here because of this prank? It was so upsetting to you? So the prank in and of itself was not super upsetting because I'm used to this sort of behavior. Joe is often pranking me and loves to say things like, when I say, Joe, stop, what is the word? Stop contradicting everything I say.

And he says, I'm not. And then I laugh and then he says, You laughed, I'm off the hook. So like, this is just our life. We've been together since I was 14. I'm 33 now. So like, I'm our life. We've been together since I was 14. I'm 33 now. So like I'm used to this by now. How many times has he terrified you

in your long relationship? Like are jump scares a part of your love language? Pretty much, yeah. The only thing that's off the table is snakes. He knows that, I know that. Rubber, wooden, doesn't matter. I completely understand. Jennifer, could we get some snakes please? Snakes as soon as possible. that I know that rubber wooden sure doesn't matter I understand snakes

please as soon as possible things down there in the grass it's gonna be a 24 hour snake shop here in Philadelphia so what is your dispute if you if you've accepted this torment what is the dispute so the dispute is a couple months ago Joe learned how to make this into his ringtone. For texts, emails, app alerts, and the like. How often would you say, Joe, that Ariel has to hear herself scream in an average day? So it's only when we're at home or around family members.

Lies. Let the record show that Joseph is lying. I try to turn it off when we're in public a couple times I haven't is lying. I try to turn it off when we're in public a couple times. I try to turn it off. Right. But there's just no way to turn off the ringtone on a phone. I just forget. It slips my mind. So, I don't know, ten times a day?

Ten times a day. And how does it make you feel when you hear that scream? I'll tell you how it makes me feel. I'm ready. Because I didn't know that we were going to be playing the scream. And while I was trying to prepare backstage a couple of hours ago, they were tech checking and I heard it three times.

And I almost ran out of here. I was so scared each time. They told me what it was each time. It's very alarming. If I was a stranger in public and I heard it, you know what I would think? I would think I should say, you're not my real mom. But how do you feel?

Well, it's embarrassing and it's annoying because then he of course has to tell the story to whoever hears it. And it's not really my shining moment screaming Jesus Joseph. I also play the video. I don't just tell the story. Sure. How long has this been going on? You travel with a projector.

How long has this been going on? Probably three years and then a couple, I would say. But the video was five years ago, but the ringtone is less than a year. Oh, so that's a more recent addition to your... Torture. Torture of your wife. My laziness and technical ineptitude, it took that long to figure out how to make a ringtone. It says here, Ariel, that you'd like Joe...

You just had for 15 years, you had Soulja Boy as your ringtone. Finally. Well, now that you've figured it out, Joe, Ariel, it says here, would like an ideal ruling, which is for you to stop using her scream as your ringtone. And Jo, is that correct, Ariel? Any punitive damages?

I don't think so, Judge. Have you ever scared him? I try, it never works. I start giggling. Maybe snakes should be on the table. I just can't do it. Put a little note in the snake's mouth. It's a little tongue.

It says, Judge John Hodgman says, hello, Joe. That's what I, well look, first of all, if you are telling me, affirmatively, and without reservation, that this kind of pranking is okay in your marriage and you don't feel humiliated and made fun of? Generally speaking, yes. Okay, that's fine.

Therefore, you must get him back. If that's true, you must get him back. And I will help you come up with a way to do it. Snakes or no? I love it. In the meantime, Joe, you got to take that thing off your ringtone. You've had your fun,

but from now on, we got to get a ringtone going for Ariel. This is the sound of a gavel. Thank you, Ariel and Joe. Yeah, Smith Justice, please welcome to the stage Danielle and Adam. Danielle and Adam. Danielle and Adam used to work together at a university.

When Danielle left that job, she asked him out, and they just got married last month. Oh, congratulations! Thank you very much. You just got married last month and you're already in court. Oh, this court, yeah. Yeah, well, it's good enough. Who seeks justice in this courtroom? Okay, and Danielle, what is the nature of the justice that you seek? So I am a lifelong Philadelphian, and Adam is from the suburbs, but he's been living here for the last 10 years. I see.

Here in Philly we have something called the Market Frankfurt Line, which we call the L. And then there's another mode of transportation called the Broad Street Line that we all call the Subway. Okay. Adam calls both of these things the subway. Oh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Maybe we don't have to wait for mob justice after all. Philadelphia's always ready. And it becomes a problem because both of them are equidistant, maybe like a 10 to 12 minute walk from our house.

So he'll even say, I took the subway to the subway to get home. I don'll even say, I took the subway to the subway to get home. I don't even know what that means. Adam, you're wrong. I've heard that before. I mean, I don't even need to ask any other questions. The audience has told me that you're wrong. So why are we even here, since you know that you're wrong, right?

Usually, yes. So are you continuing to do it on purpose? A little bit, but also I think for a reason. The L is an elevated train. Thank you, the L is elevated! Is it not? Partially, it does go underground. Briefly, it briefly goes underground.

It's above ground for two-thirds of the time. And then for one-third of the time? It's under, yes. So it's sort of like a quantum subway. Yes, exactly. It exists in both states. But for the majority of it, it's elevated. Yes. And that's why it's called the L, right?

I believe it's because it's shaped like an L. Adam, you're wrong. No, I'm... No, no, no, I need to know in what way the train is shaped like an L. No, the track is. The track is shaped like an L. We have only two subways and also the BSL goes above ground as well.

Let the record show that Danielle is clenching her fists in anger when Adam says two subways. What suburb are you from? Wait, hold on, is the path of the track shaped like an L? Kind of like this. Okay. Kind of like this loser? Yeah! I think I'm doing it backwards. I'm a writer. What suburb are you from? I grew up in Ambler, so that's Montgomery County. Okay, there was a very soft clap and a very hesitant woo.

I think the Amblerites know what they're in for, if they're not going to side with you in this situation. Yeah, that person wasn't saying woo, they were saying, I don't know him! I'm glad you left! No, Adam, I'm sorry. I'm picking on you. Quite all right. But, you know, there is a reason to have two different names for these lines. Well, the subway, I presume, is all the way underground, right?

Yes, subterranean underground. Subterranean train. And therefore, you know, you avoid confusing your new bride when you would differentiate them using the names that everyone else does, right? So why don't you do that? Well, I believe she could always ask for clarification of which I'd be on. How long do you intend to be married? Hopefully past tonight.

Do you do this to, do you, Danielle, do you think he's just trying to get a rise out of you? I used to, but recently it's caused more issues because the Phillies are in season they're doing very well and so he will actually take both of these to get home you just use the proper terminology how do you get how do you how do you get from the city hall and then the subway from City Hall to get to the stadium. So I'll try to ask where he is and I'll be like, I'm on the subway. Subway all the way down.

Anyway. Why do you think he won't change his ways? Is this typical of him? Yeah. Are there any other things he does where he's doing it wrong but he sticks to it? We both like being stubborn. So somebody telling us that it's the wrong thing, we kind of just dig our heels in a little bit. But now that it's causing conversation issues, I feel like we should change it. Does Adam ever scare you with skeletons?

No, not yet. Well that's something to be thankful for. He's just doing, he's more of a gaslight horror movie kind of person rather than a, yeah, rather than a jump scare guy. As a native Philadelphian, do you know where the nearest snake store is? No. It's gotta be 24 hours.

Forget about it otherwise. What would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor, Daniel? I would just want him to use the correct terminology. Just use the correct terminology. Adam, why is that so hard to do? It's not that hard. Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes it's surprising how guys resist doing the simplest thing. You know, you might not have a podcast. Yeah. I'm going to rule in Danielle's favor. You saw that coming, right, Adam? I believe so. Yes.

You said earlier. So, well, only because you're wrong and you have no defense. My hands are kind of tied. Kind of tied by precedent here. So the next time you go, when are you going to the Phillies game next? Possible at the end of September for the last home games. Oh wonderful, and how will you get there? On the Broad Street Line.

Wow, you really threaded that needle. Is that good enough for you, Danielle? Yeah, that's great. Alright, this is the sound of a gavel. Thank you, Danielle and Adam. Go Phillies. Philadelphia, are you ready for mega justice? Let's bring out our litigants. Please welcome to the stage Julia and Christina. Tonight's case, Ocean Spray Bias Corpus.

Julia brings the case against her friend Christina. A pair of anthropomorphic cranberry sauces have been living in Julia's freezer for nearly three years. This cranberry sauce duo are named Bob and Barry. Julia says it's time to get her freezer back and get rid of Bob and Barry, but Christina wants Bob and Barry to stay frozen in cranberry friendship forever.

Who's right, who's wrong? Only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference. Paul Fuller comments, that sounds really good. Can't believe I didn't think of it. Been having leftover turkey sandwiches like that forever. Susan Harris comments, never ate anything that cranberry sauce didn't think of it. Been having leftover turkey sandwiches like that forever. Susan Harris comments,

never ate anything that cranberry sauce didn't improve. I make a crock pot brisket and cranberry sauce. It's out of this world. And V. Shetterly comments, gross. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Julia and Christina, please rise and raise your right hands. You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth? So help you, God or whatever. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that my seven-year-old Frankie just texted me, you are Boeing? Yes.

Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Bill, Jesse, you are not Boeing, and you are funny. Thank you. And I love you. Thank yougman, you may proceed. Dale, if Jesse, you are not Boeing and you are funny. Thank you. And I love you. Thank you, I love you too. You're a little Boeing sometimes. I know.

Julia and Christina, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment and one of your's favors can either of you name the piece of obscure culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom. Why don't we start with Julia? Okay. Not what I was thinking it was going to be, so I'm going to ring it. Did you have a prepared guess?

I did. What is your prepared guess? You could be correct. Yeah, definitely correct. It was Jelly Jigglers from Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow Bow. So the guess there was Jelly Jigglers from Bow BowB-Bo-B-Bo-Bo-Bo. Okay. Correct. I'm gonna stick with that.

Jelly jigglers from Bo-B-B-B-Bo-Bo. Not bowing, but wrong. Okay. What about you, Christina? I didn't have a guess, and I didn't realize what was going on. My name's John. I know. What we're doing is a show where you bring a dispute to me and I hear both sides and I tell you who's right and who's wrong.

I'm catching on really quickly. You're doing terrific. She brought an entirely different bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. Hey Mr. Bass Man. That's a song that I learned on Sha Na Na. Anyway, I bought you enough time as I could. No one knows what I'm talking about. They think I'm bowing.

I don't... Okay. Christina. I'm supposed to give an answer now. Well, do you have a guess? I had a guess. Could I give you a hint? I would love a hint.

Could I give you a hint? Yeah. These are the comments on a post on a Facebook group where someone proposes making a sandwich that includes cranberry sauce and mystery ingredient. Some people find it intriguing, and Shetterling says gross. Can you at least guess what the mystery ingredient might be? Peanut butter.

Peanut butter. That'd be gross. That is a gross guess. Julia, you seem to have another guess. Uh, tomato soup. Tomato soup? Soup? Wait, not the cake. Come on, big money, big money, big money, big money.

Tomato soup cello? Oh, tomato soup cake. Tomato soup? That's something we've talked about on the podcast. Okay, oh, no, not that? No, not something from the podcast. Not something we've talked about on the podcast before. The other one that you slice and you put on the sandwich.

Oh, tomato soup salad. There is a disgusting tomato soup cake and a disgusting tomato soup salad. The salad. Which is more of a tomato soup aspect, if you ask me. That's the one. And you're saying that that paired with cranberry sauce makes a gross sandwich. That's true, but all guesses are wrong. The answer I was looking for, the mystery ingredient on the cranberry sauce sandwich was Scrapple.

Scrapple... Yum. Whistle ...with cranberry sauce was suggested on this Facebook page, uh, called the Scrapple Trail. Laughter Suggested with a... You have died of dysentery.

Yeah. Laughter It was proposed with a... You have died of dysentery. It was proposed with a rather disturbing photo by Facebook user Harry Balzac. Crispy Scrapple sandwich with cranberry sauce topping, been eating it this way for over 50 years now. So, we got, look, I love Scrapple. Still haven't managed to choke all of it down, but I think one day I'll do it. Yeah, just that one sandwich for 50 years, yeah. I love Scrapple, I'm neutral on cranberry sauce, so that makes me the perfect judge for this case. Who seeks justice in this fake courtroom?

I do, Judge. Julia, what is the nature of the justice? Seek? Well, Bob and Barry have been in my freezer for nearly three years. Okay, stop there. That could be a very alarming sentence. have been in my freezer for nearly three years. Okay, stop there. That could be a very alarming sentence.

Bob and Barry have been in my freezer for a number of years. Are there any representatives from the law enforcement community here? If so, earmuffs. Who are Bob and Barry? They're cranberry sauce friends. Friends of cranberry sauce or friends made of cranberry sauce? They're friends to each other and they're made of cranberry sauce. I'm not sure I understand. Did you want to say something, Christina?

I just want to point out that Julie used the word friend and they're friends to us. They're friends to each other. They're friends to Christina at least. Julia, are you friends with these? I don't know. I feel it's complicated. Let's take a look at them and see how you feel about them. Bob and Barry. Oh. That's their birthday.

Oh, no. That's their birthday. So what we're looking at here, these images, of course, will be available on our Instagram page, all of our social medias, as well as our show page at maxlentfun.org, is two unsheathed cans of cranberry. At least one is definitely a canned one because they're the distinctive can ridges.

They both are. Next to something that, they're on a plate and now my eye turns to what I thought was a turkey, but now I'm concerned. Maybe a braised Cthulhu? Yeah, John, have you seen that new alien movie? I thought Bob and Barry were disturbing on their own, but they're definitely more disturbing together.

And Bob and Barry, luckily, the brazed Cthulhu does not have googly eyes on it, but Bob and Barry do. Who put the googly eyes on Bob and Barry? No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it was me. Yeah, I think you brought them to life in that way. I did. Well, they're French juices, but...

And when was this? Which Thanksgiving? This is Thanksgiving, I presume? Not really. This is a friendsgiving? Not really. It's because it was in January. No, it's called Second Thanksgiving. Oh, okay. This was something invented out by me. There. One of my kids, Judah, asked me to hold a second Thanksgiving for his friends because he likes my gravy so much. So we made a second Thanksgiving in January. And this was how many years ago? 2022?

2022 years ago? No. 2022? A couple of years ago. Bob and Barry. And you mentioned, Christina, this is their birthday. This is the first time that they've ever hit the scene. Yes, this is when they were born. And they met each other. And who, where are the eyes from? These are like little googly eyes stick on things?

They're candies. We both have them in. They're important. You don't. You just want to know what they are. They're edible eyes. They're edible eyes for candy. Okay. And you stuck the eyes on.

Yes. Who named them Bob and Barry? I did. You did. So you like them. Did. I do. You did.

Is Pat testing them? No, I did. Well, can I say that their friend, it sounds gross, but it's not. Their friend juices- it all started because they're- Okay, but look, so they came from different cans, and one was brought by Sarah, our friend Sarah, and one I borrowed from Meals on Wheels, which is a story, and then we put them on the plate and their friend juice... How do you borrow cranberry sauce? Because to my understanding the same sauce is still in Julia's freezer two years later, so you owe Meals on

Wheels a cranberry sauce. That's fair, I might, I could. All right. Now I do. Yeah. And that's okay. When you say you borrowed, but it's a long story, does that mean it was a heist? No, it's just that they had extra food and they were encouraging people to take it, and I knew I was going to Julia's house for Friendsgiving. Second Thanksgiving. Second Thanksgiving. Right. And so I took a cranberry sauce. It was in our office.

You should call it Thanksgiving. Friendsgiving is a holiday that celebrates friendship and families of choice. Second Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates gravy. That's right. Frankly, it's a much more deserving holiday than Thanksgiving. Yeah.

That's right. Also true. Yeah. That's right. Also true. Sorry. So you're saying you Oceans 15'd this cranberry sauce to the second Thanksgiving party, and that's why there were two cranberry sauces at the party. OK. And that it's normal to have edible candy eyes at your house.

And both of you do. Yes. And also your old friends, obviously. And both of you do. Absolutely, yes. And also your old friends, obviously. You've known each other for a long time. Yes. How long is it? It's not actually that long, but it feels like really long. In a really good way.

We need someone else who thinks it's normal to have edible candy eyes. Would it be fair, let me put it in a way you might understand. Would it be fair to say that your friend's juices have mingled? That's uncomfortable, but. You're the one who brought up the term. Because look, they're swimming in their friend's juices. They're swimming in their friend's juices.

We don't even like to touch. But at this moment, you two are not swimming in your friend juices because there is a dispute. That's true. Bob and Barry were not consumed at this second Thanksgiving. Not at all. They were saved in a freezer where they remain today, normally, but now they're here.

That's correct. They're here. That's right. In this bag. That's correct. They're here. That's right. In this bag. That's correct. Because, well, let's take a look at them. Okay. Julia, will you please remove, may I offer you a hand?

I mean, I only have one hand to offer you, because I have the microphone. I'll try to hold that down. I did a really good job. Nice work. You brought them an eye mask? Oh, right. This was something you were using to chill them down? I did a really good job. Nice work. You brought them an eye mask? Oh, right, this was something you were using to chill them down?

Because how long have they been out of the freezer? Okay, and now you're taking off the tin foil. And, oh my God. Or whatever. They've aged very quickly. Okay. May I hold them? This is where you don't open mummy sarcophaguses.

You know, they say when you peer into the abyss, you become the friend juices. This is even more horrifying than that turkey. I see what I'm seeing. Do we have a close-up that we can share with the audience? Oh no that was only that was my second second Thanksgiving. Okay wait so this isn't a current photograph this is a past photograph? That's when we added the crowns. That was the crowns. That was the camp party.

That was the camp party. That was a camp friends party. And then I did add the end is near sign because I thought it was funny because they were aging so fast. But I just thought it was funny. Like when you go to like an older person's birthday party and it's like, you make a joke of it.

No, it's like, John, John. No, you don't. John, It's like, John, John. No, you don't. John, let's say there are older people. Yeah. And they're hungry. They need food, but they can't leave the house. Right.

So you take their cranberry sauce. It's just a little joke. It's just fun for them. Yeah. You steal food from Meals on Wheels. You're borrowing it. You're borrowing it. You take a can of cranberry sauce from Meals on Wheels,

and instead you leave a little note for the elderly saying, you're gonna die soon. Happy birthday to you. Little joke, ha ha. Jesse, have you taken a look at these? Let me give you a close up look. No! That's great, thank you, you hold that now.

The curse is lifted. Oh, I hate it. Why is it covered in, is this sesame seeds? It's gold sugar, because I thought it would make them look fancy. How come one of them is holding, and I'm going to tell you, it doesn't just look like a generic popsicle. It looks to me like it's an It's a Cadoozie.

Oh, that would be nice. To be clear, and you can see this in the photo as well, one of them is wearing a crown that I can see. Is that Bob or Barry? I'll take that off your hands. That's Bob. OK. Bob, and they're both holding ice pops of some kind.

Because they're stuck in the freezer, right? Yes, their ice pops will not melt. Are they both wearing crowns, or is Bob the king and Barry the subject? I don't think both had crowns. I don't know, I don't remember. But Bob must be the king then. So this photo, these crowns date back at least a year. Oh, more than that.

So this has been fun for a while, Julia. It's actually still fun. Well, this is, I think, the dispute, Christina. Because it sounds to me like, Julia, the fun is over for you, and the fun is still going for you, Christina, correct? And they're still in your freezer. When they're not here, what does your freezer look like?

I think there's a photo of my freezer. Of course there is. Let's take a look at the photo. There's Bob and Barry. Perched on a rather sizable tub of Rita's water ice. Yes. Do you mean to say that every time you want some water ice, you have to pick up Bob and Barry?

Absolutely. And it's in your freezer and this has been going on for two years, right? Coming up on three in January, right? That's right. We all know the date of second Thanksgiving is January... Right, that's exactly right. That's the correct date. How do you feel now when you open the freezer and you see Bob and Barry?

I don't know. I'm ambivalent. I don't know. It's complicated. I see them. I'm happy to see them. But you can see my- Great.

We're happy to see them. Close the freezer. They live there forever. Nope. Nope. My frozen fruit, you can see, is behind them. And when I make my smoothie in the morning, I have to lift the bag of the frozen berries over them.

And about one out of every 10 times, I drop the bag on Bob and Barry, and it makes me anxious. I don't want to start my day with that kind of anxiety. It does look like Bob and Barry have taken a few blows to the head. Although, to be fair, they look pretty chill. Like, they're... It's all happening.

Oh, I didn't mean to pun. I just feel like they seem relaxed. How dare you. Oh, I didn't mean to pun. I just feel that they seem relaxed. How dare you. So you have taken Christina to court because you want Bob and Barry to hit the road. Yeah, I have thoughts. Have you considered burying them in the ice in Antarctica

and convincing a research station that they're a thing? Like an alien or something? That's such a good movie. I know it is. Do you know it is. Do you know it was widely critically and audience panned at the time? Audiences and critics hated it. Anyway, doesn't matter.

So you brought Christina here because you think the fun is coming to an end. What do you propose be done? Well, I have two ideas. One is to boil them. Go on. And I thought if we boil them is to boil them. Go on. And I thought if we boil them, there could be like a ceremony, maybe we have some nice music. What do you play at a friend boiling ceremony? Oh, the record, that's right. So there was a record that Sarah brought over the night of...

The soundtrack of Midsommar. What? She brought over a record by the children's musical artist Barry Louis Polisar. Not familiar. Very obscure. Very good. And that's really why one of them is named Barry, and I would play that record. My brother thinks he's a banana, I think it's called. My 100% my presumption would have been Zombie by the Cranberries. Yeah. That's so good.

Makes sense. Yeah. I was gonna ask why Barry is named Barry, now I know. Why is Bob named Bob? Because Bob. You like alliteration. Sure. Yeah. I like alliteration a lot.

I just did it, come on. You did, you did. Well, that was one idea. They look chill to me. I really want, they just look relaxed. They're prone. Christina, you don't want to boil Bob and Barry? No, I definitely do not want to do that.

What do you want to have happen? I just, anytime I go to Julia's house, I want to see them in the freezer. Because it brings me such joy. And I, when I come over, I open the freezer and I'm like, oh, it's Bob and Barry. And I don't know how it'll feel if they're not there. You live in a home? I do. I do live in a home. Do you have a refrigerator?

So this is, we have talked about custody and my refrigerator, you have a very fancy freezer. I rent a small, well it's bigger now, but my, I rent a small freezer. You're a renter, do you think that it would- No, my freezer is not like this and and I have a younger kid and there's lots of frozen food in there like you know Pizza bites and things and so like this they wouldn't fit in there the same way your freezer is the tall thin one fancy fridge You got a side you have a side. Yeah, that's so fancy That's what that's like

That you don't have enough size or's freezer is what Bob and Barry deserve? Well, they do. No, that's... I didn't even think about that, but that's actually what they do deserve. They deserve a fancy freezer. They'd be falling over waffles on their heads. Olive would be knocking them out of the freezer. When he goes to get food, it would be terrible.

They would be miserable. They're very happy there. Julia, how do you respond? I also agree that they shouldn't go to Christina's house. I think that, listen, I want them to die, but I don't want them to die like that. I want them to die with dignity, like getting boiled, or I have another idea. You have another idea.

I wanna push them off a cliff. What cliff? Velma and Louise style. Yeah, I have another idea. Um, I want to push them off a cliff. What cliff? Velma and Louise style. Yeah, but just like that. Okay, sure. I don't think that they can drive a Cadillac and hold hands together. They're cranberry sauce. That's correct.

They are. And just for the at-home listener, push them off a cliff like that. That's right. That's terrible. Yeah, just push them off a cliff like that. You have a cliff in mind? Like that. Do you have a cliff like that. That's right. That's terrible. Yeah, just push them off a cliff like that. You have a cliff in mind? Like that. Do you have a cliff in mind?

I don't know, the White Cliffs of Dover, maybe? They're famous cliffs. Beachy Head? Beachy Head, is that a place? In England, you know where the... You want to take Bob and Barry across the Atlantic Ocean? The only cliff? To push them off a cliff?

They're the only cliffs I can think cliff. To push them off a cliff. They're the only cliffs I can think of. I feel like you're describing what you would do had they served in World War II. Christina, what did Bob and Barry mean to you? Oh. Let me just ask you a question. Just so that we can set a baseline.

In your feeling, are Bob and Barry alive? Yes, absolutely, 100%. All right. Let me reorient my questioning there. So your point of view is I don't want to boil them because they are alive. Not that it would represent the end of an ongoing joke that is a lot of fun between you and your friend Julia,

but because their feelings will be hurt due to boiling. It's like a combination. I can recognize that they're not alive. Like, I'm a smart human and also like, I feel that I, it like hurts me a little that you called it a joke. It's not like an ongoing, it is a bit, it's a bit. Like we have a lot of bits.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to diminish it. I mean. No, it's, it's just like, it's, I'm not that sad, I'm not crying. I am sad in my heart, I'm not crying. Well, I haven't ruled on anything yet. I know, I know, but I heard an awe and I was like, well, I just really love them. I think they're so great.

And in my brain, they have, in my imagination vacations, they do all sorts of fun things. We don't know what happens when we close the freezer door. What do they say to each other? What are they hanging out talking about? This is the grimest Pixar movie I've ever imagined. Honestly, yes. And like my kiddo and I, like we talk about Bob and Barry.

Olive made a video for his classmates where Bob and Barry were in the background and all the kids saw it, which was like real cool for him. And I just like, we have, I don't know, we have a lot of bits, I will say that. We love, we love. Sure, you have some bits, like for example, there's a bit including cat hair. Yes. Yes.

Can you explain that, Julia? I have two cats and they have hair. Are they in the freezer? Well, no, but if you looked at that plate, you might see some cat hair. OK, I'm not looking at the plate again. Thank you. So I would collect the cat hair, and then I

would form the hair into shapes. And then I would take pictures of them, and then using some device, I would bring them to life. Using some device like a Tesla coil or? Usually just my phone. Or an Orgone Boost or something? Yeah, yeah, all this. No, and I would, they would express how I was feeling for the day or how I thought Christina might be feeling.

And we would like send them back and forth and like I would draw faces on them and like we like became like one of one of our things. I believe that we have an example, a photographic example. Can we take a look? This is a cat hair creature calendar. I love them. They're great. Why would you want any of this stuff to go away?

It's so happy. This is from 2021 with the caption, it's got to be better, right? This seems like a very pandemic-era project. This was a pandemic project, yes. And obviously you have no shortage of fake eyes to put into various mounds of refuse. It's fantastic. And there's another slide here as well. Is that right? What's this? I believe so. Oh, so that's a different thing.

What are we looking at here now? So these are other friends. Christina, you explain. They're like desk pets, you know, like teacher. I work in education. We both do. And like they're like desk pets. Like they're like fidgets. And I don't know. I gave you one, two, and then they melted. But this is another friend juice case. Like their friend juices are totally like, you know, and you have a permanent like burn mark in your car,

which is interesting. For those who are listening, who haven't had a chance yet to go to the show page to see the photograph, I can't describe what I'm seeing. I mean, it's not a daymare. It looks like a panda and maybe a bunny with two extra ears. And they're melting on a dashboard. They look like kind of like peeps, like those candy peeps.

That's a really good comparison. What are they made of? Are they a food product as well? No, no. They're fossil fuel. They're some petroleum product. Oh, it's like a molding clay or something? It's like a squishy, like a... They're like fidgets.

Are they alive, Christina? No, no, because we didn't make them. Okay, got it. They weren't imbued with life by your magical imagination. No, I'd argue the hairball pals, they may have life to them, but these guys, I bother. I think I got, oh God, here.

I can't like, I borrowed them from the prize box at work. We take things from the camp closet all the time. Producer Jennifer Marmer, no matter what I rule, you make sure to pat down Christina before she leaves. I'm afraid. You know, John. I'm afraid she's gonna bring my battles to life

or something. It's like two times you happened to kick at you. John, we don't have to worry about her stealing anything from us. We're not infirm in any way. I don't know. I feel like I'm melting. I could go at any moment.

And I don't want to look at this picture anymore. Let's move on to the next. All right, there we are. We're back to normal. So all right. Christina, can this last forever, Bob and Barry? I don't know about forever, and... You said, as long as you're alive. Yeah, and that's not forever.

That's not forever! And so, I just think... But I want you to live a long, long time. Sure, and so should they. And we're like, you know, I... I don't... I mean, I... I will accept whatever happens, and I won't stop being friends with Julia if you kill them,

but I will be really upset. And, like, are you gonna invite my kid to that ceremony where you boil them? I was thinking, yeah. Yeah. Julia, you can see that Christina is truly upset. I mean, she almost fell over into the microphone. In great sorrow.

I mean, doesn't it seem like you're hurting your friend's feelings? Yes. How does that feel? It's not great. But I also think that she'll be okay. We'll have something new. We'll have new friends.

Oh, I have no doubt that you'll be able to stick some eyes into something else. Yeah. Do you remember how you felt the day you realized Bob and Barry had to die? Yeah, I was excited. Really got your friendship juices going. I mean to say that you were into it for a while, right?

Yes. And then eventually you're like, I'm a little tired of this. Yeah, I'm just ready to move on or do something different. You know, Christina likes things to say the same, and I like things to change. And I looked at them and I was like, I want to make a change. I want to boil them or push them off a cliff. Rastiching. Is there a third way?

Oh yeah, they're actually well, so boiling, yes. But then what I thought would be interesting is if we made little Bob and Barry molds and poured the boiled juice into them and freeze them and give them out to friends. Wait a minute, you're talking about getting new Bob and Barry molds, which we might also call cans. Boiling old Bob and Barry, filling up the cans, refreezing and then handing out

to poison people that you know in your neighborhood. No, just for other people's freezers. I'm going to say this. I think I've heard enough in order to make my decision. But before I descend into my chambers, there is one ruling that I'm going to tell you right now. Do not eat. I don't know what's okay or not okay

with regard to two years frozen, uncovered cranberry sauce that's been contaminated with glitter and crowns. But do not eat, remelt, and resurf. It's either freezer or death. I'll be back in a moment with my judgment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Julia, how are you feeling about your chances right now? I was feeling better before.

I think Christina really, really made a great case. I mean, Christina is so heartfelt and I love Christina and it does hurt me a little bit. And I think that, yeah, I think that she sort of melted his heart too. Christina, how are you feeling? I don't know. And, you know, I feel better having talked about it. It was really shocking when Julia shared that this was a thought she had because I thought I didn't even think about it.

And also I can acknowledge they're not in my freezer, but I felt really sad and taken aback by that suggestion. But it feels good to have talked about it. I still don't feel like I want to see them boiled or pushed off a cliff. And I would like them to be out at the next second Thanksgiving. But I'll still be your friend.

Thanks. You two are educators. Can I ask you a science question? Do you think if you could extract DNA from Bob and Barry, we could grow a real wooly mammoth? I would try. Yeah, I think they would real wooly mammoth. Ooh. I would try. Yeah, I think they would serve science well, actually. Right. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Jesse, I'm so happy we are revisiting this show in Philadelphia. We had such a great time. As you go into the next act, listen closely, you might hear my aunt Beth laughing, and my aunt Jane, and my little Joe.

I love it when your aunts come backstage. They have a lot of fun. We all had a lot of fun together, and I'm excited to be getting back out on the road to have more fun. As you know, or perhaps you're learning just now, we're going to Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco for San Francisco SketchFest, starting on January 29th.

Now we have a show in Los Angeles, but it's straight up sold out. I think these other shows are gonna go quick too. Why not make a Bay Area weekend trip to come see us at Marines Memorial Theater in San Francisco on Groundhog Day? That's two, two,25 at the SketchFest or buy tickets for any of our shows in the West Coast

at maximumfund.org slash events. That's maximumfund.org slash events. And don't forget, if you live in or near one of those cities, we need your cases. Don't self-censor, just send them in. If you think it might be something, send it in. We'll shape it. That's what Jennifer does all day. She them in. If you think it might be something, send it in. We'll shape it. That's what Jennifer does all day.

She shapes it. She's shaping it up. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO is where you should go to submit your cases. And hey, this last leg of the tour is also the end of our fundraiser for Al Otro Lado. So please join us in supporting Al Otro Lado by going to alotrolado.org slash let's do something

and support direct services for migrants at the US Mexico border. I mean, John, there's going to be people getting deported. There's going to be families being separated. In fact, those things are already happening. And those folks need support, both humanitarian and legal support. That's exactly what El Otro Lado does on the ground, in the places where those folks are. So go to elotrolado.org slash let's do something

and make a donation. And if you are one of the hundreds of people who already has, you have left me in awe of your generosity. Thank you so much. And El Ot of your generosity. Thank you so much. Uh, uh, and now a lot of thanks you so much. They are like sending me emails. Can you believe this stuff? And I'm like, I, it's amazing.

So thank you everybody. Don't miss out on Jesse Thorne's all get the to al ultra Lado.org slash. Let's do something. Okay. Let's get back to the stage. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom and presents his verdict. You may be seated.

There is something that Edgar Allan Poe calls the imp of the perverse, that feeling when you are standing above a precipice or a cliff, there is that feeling that comes over you like, I'm just going to jump off. I'm going to do something totally irrational and destructive. And you have to almost wrestle yourself mentally, if not physically, back from that edge of contemplation. There is some frozen or quickly thawing cranberry sauce here, since I have imp of the perversely fallen from the great height of semi-professional occasional television personality dumb down through the chasm

of regional Maine humorist why not become a Gallagher style prop comic here in Philadelphia and just get this over with but honestly I'm moved by the connection that Christina feels with Bob and Barry. I'm moved, too, by the connection that you feel to each other. But what I began to appreciate is that Bob and Barry are a linked bit between you, and yet also Christina feels a true affection for them independently. And therefore, I don't have the heart to smash them or push them off a cliff, I

think that they should get boiled someday because that is what they deserve. A true ultimate mingling of the friend juices. That's really beautiful. And I believe that Bailiff Jesse Thorne had a stroke of true genius suggesting that the song that should be played is Zombie or another of the great songs of the Cranberries. That would be truly epic moment of observation. All things do end. And the question is, when will it happen?

Now, we are recording this in November, on the eve of first dumb Thanksgiving. I think Bob and Barry should make an appearance at next second Thanksgiving. At that time, you have now weeks to consider, Christina, whether you are ready to let them go in a symbolic and wonderful gesture or whether you're not ready to let them go. And if you're not ready to let them go, then I order you to hold on to them. That is to say, you hold on to them. Because I don't want it

on top of that water ice in Julia's freezer anymore. It's not fair. You have to find space in your freezer or get a dedicated Bob and Barry freezer. That was actually my kids idea to get a dedicated freezer. The kids are usually correct and then every now and then you can you can take them out of the freezer, read a sequence of random words to them, awake them up like a winter soldier, and then they can kill your enemies. But if you're not ready to let them go at second Thanksgiving 2025, then you have to take care of them until you're ready to let them go.

This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that one. Julia, Christina, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you to Reddit user DentsVirus1692 for naming the case in this episode. Make sure to follow us on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. We're on YouTube and TikTok at JudgeJohnHodgemanPod. You can come see us on tour on the West Coast.

Do not miss it. Tickets are still on sale for our shows in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco at SF SketchFest. All the information for that is at MaximumFun.org. The Judge John Hodgman podcast was created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne. This episode was recorded by Matthew Barnhart. Nathie Lopez is our social media manager. AJ McKeon is our podcast editor.

Daniel Spear is our video editor and our producer is Jennifer Marmer. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.