Judge John Hodgman - Sesame Street Justice

Episode Date: March 2, 2011

A group of high school kids kidnapped their youth group leader's life-size Ernie doll as a prank, but he was stolen from them before his safe return.  Can they be held responsible for Ernie's disappearance if they intended to return him?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Sesame Street justice. Our dispute, a class action. The plaintiff is Chris, a youth group leader. of the Sesame Street character Ernie. For two weeks, they secretly corresponded with Chris as kidnappers before finally admitting that they were behind the prank. The prank, though, went horribly wrong when before he was returned, Ernie was stolen from one of the students' truck. The students, represented by Ben, say they only perpetrated a harmless prank and the responsibility for the loss of the doll lies with the thief who broke into the truck. Chris argues that the responsibility lies with the students who kidnapped the doll. Who's right and who's wrong?

Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Good afternoon, everyone. You may be seated. Okay, please rise again. Bailiff Jesse, will you please swear in the complainant and the defendant? Ben, Chris, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? I do.

I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge Han... Han Judgment. That's correct, Jesse. You go ahead. The Johnnerable Hudge Judgement. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his only legal expertise

comes from super dosing ginkgo biloba pills? I do. I do. Very well. You may be seated. Ooh. I'm in a little bit of a ginkgo biloba high guy, so bear with me. Before we get started, I want to tell you that this is pledge drive

time for MaximumFun.org, our kind host producers and sponsors and friends. And so I want you guys to know that here at the court of Judge Sean Hodgman, we are fair, impartial and completely incorruptible, except for one week out of the year this week. If either one of you is willing to make a pledge of $1,000 at any time during the hearing, you automatically win. Do you understand?

Yes. Yes. Do either of you wish to take the option of pledge justice at this time? I think I have truth on my side. So I'm actually quite comfortable where I'm sitting. Yes. Do either of you wish to take the option of pledged justice at this time? I think I have truth on my side, so I'm actually quite comfortable where I'm sitting. Okay, and you have no money anyway, right? Right. That is also true. Okay, very well.

So no pledged justice, simple trial by combat as always. Jesse, sorry. Well, you know, if anybody out there wants to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, we'll talk about the cool prizes later. Okay, fantastic. So, Chris, I understand that you are the complainant and the former owner of a life-sized Ernie. Tell me what happened and everything you can tell me about it. Last year, on August 21, 2010, I remember the date very well because it was my 27th birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. You was my 27th birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you very much.

You got my card. Did you get my card? I did. It was lovely. Actually, I can't perjure myself. I'm sorry, Judge. I didn't get your card. So you remember it very well because it was your birthday. That is correct. I was in my house. I heard some noises outside and I thought that it was some other friends who were trying to sneak in and surprise me on my birthday. So I went upstairs. When I came back down then, no one was around. I didn't particularly notice anything out of line at that point because I wasn't expecting the Ernie to be gone.

Which was when I got a message from the kidnappers letting me know that they had him. I got a message from the kidnappers letting me know that they had him. Throughout the next two weeks or so then, I was off and on contact with the unknown kidnappers who eventually became known. And then probably about two and a half weeks after it was taken, I was informed that it had in fact been taken from them as well. And they had no idea who took it from them, and I haven't seen it since. So it's going on about a year. Someone kidnapped from the kidnappers. Correct. Yes. All right. I like how your reaction to hearing someone breaking into your house is, oh, it's my birthday. It must be my friends. It must be my friends trying to break into my house. I'll go upstairs. To be fair, do you actually have friends? Or are you just hoping that at some point someone's going to break into your house and become your friend?

I have an actual reason for thinking that, but it is a longer story that I don't want to—it's irrelevant to the case. I didn't mean to suggest that you have no friends. You have to understand that I'm basing all of my presumptions on the fact that you at one point owned a life-size Ernie and you're a grown man. It's true. So I got a little concerned for you there. I'm going to give you a pass. That's fine. Now, one of the accused and dare I say, confessed kidnappers is also on the line as well. And that is the defendant and his name is Ben. Is that correct? Correct. Ben, what is your age? I am 18. You are an irrepressible teenager, aren't you? I am. All right. Tell me about, uh, what about what went down from your

point of view. How do you know the complainant? Well, he is a former friend of mine. I'm not sure how this is going to go over afterwards, but we've known each other for a couple of years. We were, you know, on a first name basis. In fact, he even told me, uh, prior to the, the, the date that, uh, we took the original Ernie, uh, he said that I was welcome in his house at any time. And the door is always open. So it was not breaking and entering at all. Just wanted to clarify that. Well, hang on, hang on now. In what capacity did you come to know the complainant Chris? Well, he is a substitute teacher at my high school, and he's also a youth group leader of mine. Oh, okay.

So he was your substitute teacher and your youth group leader? Correct. And so you guys became friendly in a student-teacher type way? Correct. Right? Yes. And you learned that he had a life-sized Ernie? Yes, I've actually known that for a long time before this occurrence. And how did you come to know that he had a life-sized Ernie. Yes, I've actually known that for a long time before this occurrence.

And how did you come to know that he had it? He had it displayed prominently in the middle of his floor, where nobody could miss it. At this time, were you 18 or were you 17? I was 17. I was just a juvenile. Yeah, as it came to your mind as a juvenile delinquent, that it would be fun to steal this Ernie, wouldn't it? We actually had the plan. We were going to take the Ernie. Who's we?

I and two of my peers. And we took the Ernie with the plan to spruce it up, actually fit it for a pimp outfit and return it to him in better condition than we had originally taken it. taking it. It was later that week we decided to take it to my house in my truck, which is out sort of in the boonies. It's out on a little farm where there's no traffic, nobody coming by. No one can hear anything. No one can hear Ernie scream. Yeah, I understand. Exactly. What state are we talking about?

Pennsylvania. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, there's some boonies there. That's for sure. So I love, I love by the way, how as a 17 year old, your idea of sprucing it up is give it a pimp outfit. Well, it was the best thing that came to mind. It was a, it was his birthday suit. If you will. I gotta, you will. I got to get spruced up for this wedding. Where's my pimp outfit? All right. So you took the Ernie as a gag. Correct.

All right. And you were going to return it and pimped. But before that could happen. Before it could happen, it was at my house. I was busy all day doing schoolwork for a summer class. Do you have the receipts for the schoolwork to prove that you were doing schoolwork for a summer class? I have witnesses.

You have witnesses? My mother was even home at the time. Right. Right. You weren't just out down by the river huffing Play-Doh, were you? No. Okay. No.

We only have a stream nearby our house. Oh, sure. My error then. Anywho, I went out to the car play-doh were you no okay no all right we only have a stream nearby our house sure sure my my error then anywho i went out to the car to show my good friend who is also in on it um the ernie and upon opening the door there was nothing there opening the door i'm sorry opening the door to the truck of my truck i'm sorry okay so you were storing Ernie in your truck. Correct. Just for one day. Sure, just for one day until the pimp outfit was ready.

And it disappeared. And you don't know how it was taken or who took it? No idea at all. Chris, let's talk about Ernie for a second. What is going on in your life that you have this life-sized Ernie figurine? I don't want to give the impression that I had gotten him as like a 26-year-old only last summer. I'd had him since college. Oh, that's much better.

Well, I mean, when you're in college, things like these just tend to, you know, you tend to acquire things like these in mind. Usually by college, most people have moved on to the electric company. But no, you still got ernie fine i still have ernie who gave him to you uh he was given to me as a christmas gift by some family friends okay one of whom was uh she worked in the as a higher up in the hospital that um ernie came from um he was a decoration in the children's wing of the hospital that i worked at in my summers and winters in college and when when they were getting rid of him, this friend got him from my boss to give to me as a Christmas present. So you had volunteered in the hospital.

That's a very generous and courageous thing to do. Thank you. This Ernie was hanging around. Yes. Scaring children. What happened? Did the children's hospital get shut down? From what I remember, they had originally sent him down to my boss, who was the boss of several different departments in the hospital, including the maintenance staff.

They sent him down to get fixed up and sort of cleaned up. And then the children's hospital wing called back down to my boss and said, we're actually – we have it on the budget to just get new stuff. We don't want that Ernie anymore. Correct. Right. So they were planning on getting rid of it. Like we have it on the budget to just get new stuff. We don't want, we don't want that Ernie anymore. Correct. Right. So they were planning on getting rid of it. You sent in a photograph of Ernie, which we have as evidence and is available on the internet.

And here's what I hear just so I can describe to people here. What I see is indeed what one may argue is a life-sized Ernie, although how you decide that is unclear. Being hugged by you with a great big smile on your face and about 75 pounds of thickly matted curly hair on your head and around your neck. That is correct. Which I think is passing as a beard for you. Yes. It's passing pretty well, I feel.

Okay, good. And the Ernie does look a little bit worse for the wear, I'll say. He's seen some time in a children's hospital, that's for sure. Indeed. He is an extremely frightening figurine to me, but you obviously are embracing him. But again, we've already shown that you are more courageous and generous of heart than I am. Ernie seems to have his hand manacled to what might be a walker of some kind. What is that? The Ernie, since it was in the children's wing of the hospital, was also next to a Big Bird and an Elmo, I believe. Makes perfect sense. All of whom had different bandages. I know Big Bird's arm was in a cast. Ernie, it's tough to tell in the picture, but his left leg

was in a cast and he had the crutches. Okay, so it's not just Ernie, it's Ernie on crutches. Correct. And this is taken in front of an empty park fountain, completing the completely depressing and horribly scary image. And did you have a personal connection to this particular life-sized Ernie figurine before you left the hospital? Is that why they thought of you for it? I just thought it was something that was really, really cool. And it was one of those things that I felt like would be for the apartments and suites that I was living in.

When I first saw the Ernie and knew that they were getting throughout the remaining time in college, it was one of those things I was just like, this would be a really funny conversation piece. A conversation piece. Exactly. And turned into about six years of ownership. I should say, though. And may I venture to guess, probably a lot of interesting conversations. Certainly. I mean, people seem to like it.

It was a real crowd pleaser. Why do you have that? What is that doing here? Oh, my God, that scared me. Please get that out of here. All except the last one. Not a whole lot of people thought that I should get it out of there because they were scared. But a lot of like, oh, why do you have that? I want to take a picture with it. I've seen a lot of Ernie's and this is a creepy Ernie, I got to tell you.

Yeah, it is a little bit. But you miss it, is the thing. I do. Do you estimate that Ernie has any monetary value? I mean, it would be wrong of me to try and guesstimate that. I honestly, I couldn't tell you either way. Sentimental value, however, is through the roof. And so when it was taken from you, what happened? I had gotten a message from the kidnappers. Well, from Ernie, but it was the kidnappers posing as Ernie, who had let me know that he was gone. That night, they led me on a little bit of a scavenger hunt to attempt to find some clues.

And in the subsequent two weeks, there was a couple of different clues that I had to try and decipher and find in order to figure out the identity of the kidnappers, none of which particularly pointed to any of them. They were all just kind of – they were red herrings or MacGuffins. There wasn't any sort of point behind the clues in my opinion. Red herring would be more appropriate than MacGuffin there. Red herring. I apologize. Thank you. I want to say it was probably somewhere in the neighborhood of about a week and a half later.

One of the kids that I was confident was involved in the, the perpetration of the kidnapping of Ernie. I had gotten him to confess to being a part of it and additionally named the, the other two students, one of whom was Ben Shank. Oh, so you went, you went, you went on a, on a one man, one beard quest for justice. Yes. And you tracked down, you immediately figured out it's got to be one of these deadbeat teenagers that i had a very short list of people and the three people that were that actually committed the kidnapping were at the very top of that short list as well you got

to one of them and you interrogated him yes mercilessly and you got him to roll over on his confederates one of whom is ben yes ben let me ask you a question certainly tell me about the scavenger hunt a lot of it was not done by me so i can't tell you a whole lot about it uh one of my peers had this grand scheme of uh oh sure leading him in i get it oh i get it you were just a pawn you were just along for the ride you had nothing to do with it no they just told you a fun little ernie jape and then everyone certainly not saying that i'm certainly not saying that because i i also i was active in it in that i was leading the clues away from me as much as possible what would be an example of a clue oh they were all fairly pointless uh i'm not proud of any of

them the second clue that i got which was to me, I believe that a day or two after the kidnapping was a drawing was placed in my mailbox at my house. And the drawing was done by one of the kidnappers who had already signed the drawing, but then had made attempts to scratch out his name at the bottom of the drawing. But it was poorly done. So I knew immediately that this person was involved. What was the drawing of? The drawing was of a, it was a pig with like a bunch of like bling necklaces and stuff on and some sunglasses.

I feel like I'm watching the videotape in the ring. It's just this completely weird array of disconnected stimuli that just serves to make me feel sicker and sicker and more confused and scared. What is going on? What part of Pennsylvania you guys live in? Central Pennsylvania. Central Pennsylvania. My goodness. All right.

And someone called you and pretended to be Ernie's voice? I had gotten the message over Facebook. An audio message or a text message? Like a text message. Ben, you never called impersonating Ernie's voice? No, I'm not really sure what Ernie's voice would sound like. Why don't you give it a try? Hey, On Deck!

Like, I think he'd realize that that was me, so I'm not going to make, I wouldn't have made that folly, and I did not make that folly. Alright. That was pretty good, though. It was a little bit too much Kermit, though, but that's okay. All of a sudden, using his incredible sleuthing skills, Chris On Deck looks at this picture of a pig wearing

bling and sees that one of the members of your gang has signed his name to it and then tried to erase it and then sent it anyway not erase it not erase it scratch over it with more pencil sure sure sure right exactly why not yeah because tearing off that piece of the paper was not an option and uh and gets him to roll over and chris you get the names of all the conspirators but by that time ernie is gone by the time i got the names of all the conspirators, but by that time, Ernie is gone. By the time I got the names of all the conspirators, I wasn't yet aware that Ernie had been kidnapped from the kidnappers.

Right. I just knew that they were the three people that took him originally, and I was told that I would be getting him back eventually. So when I found out, I honestly, I can't be sure whether or not he was still in their possession or not at the time. I just know that I found out the three kidnappers and then I think about a week or so later. Okay, just a week or so later, you finally confront them and Ben, you got to tell them, I'm sorry, your Ernie's been stolen from my truck. The one who made the picture of the pig told him because he felt that we were never going to find Ernie again, which we haven't. And he felt slightly guilty. I, on the other hand, knew that I was not guilty of anything.

All right. Now, that's a strong statement to make. Because you stole a thing from a person's house. We borrowed it. Wait a minute. The thing may be a life-size Ernie. And the person may be your substitute teacher, but of jokes. And the house may be the living room where the substitute teacher is living with his Ernie temporarily until his tent gets inspected and up to code. But all the things are still true. It is a private domicile that you stole from. And you feel not guilty? Why? No. Why? Because I will

tell you why. Okay. I borrowed it intending to spruce it up. Can you tell me in the voice of Ernie? I don't think I can do that. It hurts my throat. Are you ready for pledge justice yet? I don't have that kind of money. Ben, why are you not guilty? I'm not guilty because I borrowed it intending to spruce it up. I am simply a victim of circumstance because somebody stole it from my home, from my car.

In fact, I would wager that I was more— You stole that Ernie in a secret pimp my Ernie scheme. I don't need to hear any more from you. Your Honor. What? I do not feel that there's been justice here. Who stole it again? What is going on in central Pennsylvania that people are on?

It had to have been someone that you were... One of your Confederates. Who else knew you had it? Your Honor, we have searched high and low for seven months and nothing has turned up. Have you put Chris Ondek on the case? He's a master detective. He's the greatest detective in central Pennsylvania. He's been on it just as long, if not a bit longer. I don't dispute their claim that they have been searching high and low for the past seven months. Maybe they've just been searching high, right? Yeah, just high. I don't think they've been searching at all. Yeah, I think they've just been searching high and low for the past seven months. Maybe they've just been searching high, right? Yeah, just high. I don't think they've been searching at all.

Yeah, I think they've just been searching high. Do you get what I'm saying, guys? But what you're saying is some crazy Omar-like thief who robs from thieves wandered by your truck and was like, Omar, come in coming and I'm taking that Ernie. And then just slipped away into the night and is now having a good laugh at all of us. I don't know what their intentions with this Ernie were.

I do not want to know what their intentions of this Ernie were. I have to say that I'm fascinated by this mystery of who took the Ernie a second time, partly because I don't think we'll ever know the answer, and partly because I am so clearly prepared to make my judgment. This is what we call an open and shut case. Not only do we open and shut, but we lock the door on this one. I'm going to go to my chambers. I'm going to think it through, and then I'll come back and talk to you later. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs. They're Made In, Made In. The Rohan duck.

Made in, made in. Riders of Rohan. Duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need.

Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said,

good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah.

If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10 minute lessons crafted by over 200 language

experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language, it's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now.

Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners, at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Chris, you're the leader of these young men. Do you think that you've instilled in them the values that you were supposed to be instilling in them? I think I have. What I'm looking for is not any sort of punitive damages or anything like that. I like to think that I've given them some sense of values as well.

that i've given them some kind of values as well i would also like to point out i've accepted the fact that i'm never going to get her any back and have forgiven the kids that and have moved on what i'm looking for is just for them to step up and take the responsibility that i feel they have for that and that i'm just keep going to and that i'm trying to make it somebody else's fault all i'm looking for us when i'm to take responsibility for something that they've already been forgiven for. Ben, would Jesus have broken into his youth group's leader's house to

steal his life-size Ernie from Sesame Street doll? I don't believe he would have, but he may have easily borrowed him and expected to pimp him out. So your argument, Ben, is that Jesus would have pimped out an Ernie doll. I am not arguing that because heaven only knows. Hang on, hang on. I'm back. I'm back. I just got to say, you know what? I was going to find in favor of Chris Undeck, but I think that argument may have just won the day. I don't think Jesus would have stolen him, but I think he would have borrowed him and pimped him out. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how I think we're, you know, the generational divide is so great. I don't, I don't know how I can possibly argue with that, but I will, I have now returned from chambers. Ben, let me ask you a question.

Certainly. Do you think that this Ernie would have been disappeared as it were, if you guys had not originally stolen it from Chris's living room? See, the problem with that sentence is you use the word stole. We simply borrowed with the plan to pimp it out. I stand by that. I don't see anything in any of the laws that say that we cannot borrow something and pimp it out.

Let me say, I understand that your intention was of a gentle prank. You like your teacher, don't you? I do. Right. I wouldn't even say it was a gentle prank. I'd say it was a favor. Because as you can see, the Ernie was in a poor state.

He's seen better days. Oh. Pride goeth before the fall. You would do wise. You would be wise just to Oh, pride goeth before the fall. You would be wise just to say, yeah, it was a prank on this teacher that I like that went horribly wrong. But you see what's happened, Ben. You see, you came very close here to becoming a monster. What started as a joke, a favor, a classic Ernie pimp out, quickly became a perilous journey into the dark side of your very soul.

It seems surprising to me that you would try to cast the greater blame on the second Ernie thief, parties still unknown, the most mysterious thief of all time. But that can be construed as, unless it was one of your confederates in on the game, that could be construed as a crime of passion. I see that, Ernie, and I want it. Whereas you and your gang set out on a gaslighting mission,

an attempt to drive Chris slowly insane by sending him weird, taunting messages through Facebook from Ernie himself. Whether or not you returned it with or without a pimp outfit, that crime was already done. It was a prank, sir. At very best, it was a prank. At best, it was thievery from a home. I think that you owe your teacher an apology, and I am going to sentence you to same. Think for one moment, sir. What if it was not a full-size Ernie we're talking about here? I mean, I appreciate it's ridiculous, and obviously, Ernie needs a little sprucing, and by sprucing, I mean pimping. But what if it wasn't an Ernie?

What if it was something more precious to him? Something he truly cared about, like his life-size bust of Cookie Monster? You see what I'm saying? So look. That's what you're saying, Your Honor. Look, I obviously, I think Chris here is being very reasonable. He's not asking for monetary reparation. He's not asking for, I mean, he's not asking for very much at all. But I think that you owe him a chance to show him that he is not a terrible substitute teacher and youth group leader.

He wants you to turn back away from this pride that goeth before the fall and just say, I'm sorry about your earning, man. It was just a joke. Can you do that for me? about your Ernie, man. It was just a joke. Can you do that for me? I'm willing to do that, but I also have to ask perhaps for your sentencing. It would be wise for Chris Ondek to take better care of his Ernie's. I'm just going to say that. Okay, listen to me now, Ben. Now I'm going to be very serious here for a second. You are 18 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. What are you going to be? what are you going to be what are

you going to do go to college uh right get a job my greatest ambitions get a job what's your what's your greatest ambition a petty figurine thief who makes a lot of excuses for himself if that's uh that's how i become successful why not what what do you have a dream is there something you want to be i was thinking i I could make giant figurines. I've looked into that. I've actually looked into that. It's either that or study international business. Right.

Yeah, you don't care. You don't care what it is as long as you become successful. And do you know what's going to happen, Ben? You're going to become successful. I can tell because you got no qualms. You got no scruples. You got that hunger. You're going to become successful.

Look at Chris on deck. This guy volunteers at children's hospitals. This guy is a youth group leader and he's a substitute teacher. He can't afford to take care of better care of Ernie. He makes a dollar a year and he does so out of the goodness of his heart. Now, look, I don't begrudge you your success. You should go forth and do it. But I refuse to let you scorn a volunteer and a youth group leader and a substitute teacher and say that he should take better care of his Ernie.

This guy is doing the best he can. So I reject that argument wholeheartedly. Go out and make your money. Become very successful by stealing or honestly, too, if you want, you know, come by honest means. But don't scorn your youth group leader. That's a shameful way to go through life. I respect that, Your Honor.

All right. So what are you going to say? I'm sorry, Mr. Andek. You know what? Just repeat after me. I'm sorry, Mr. Andek. I'm sorry, Mr. Andek. I'm sorry, Mr. Ondek. Because we're on a first name basis, I'll call you Chris. Because we're on a first name basis, I'll call you Chris.

And I take that first name basis seriously and the intimacy it implies. And I take that first name basis seriously and the intimacy it implies. So as your friend. So as your friend. So as your friend. And as an 18-year-old. And as an 18-year-old. Whom you've been so gracious to treat as your peer. Whom you have been so gracious as to treat as your peer.

Nice use of whom, by the way. Thank you. Yeah. I apologize. I apologize. It was a simple joke. It was a simple joke. Born of affection for you. Born of affection for you.

Born of affection for you. It went horribly wrong. It went horribly wrong. In a very mysterious way. In a very mysterious way. And I am very sorry. And I am very sorry. And I will not stop.

And I will not stop. Until I have hunted down. Until I have hunted down. The real Ernie kidnappers. The real Ernie kidnappers. Ben, you seem like a very smart and funny guy. Thank you. All right.

Just keep your hands off the Muppets. You know what I'm talking about? Can do. All right, good. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That's the end of another Judge John Hodgman podcast. I've been bailiff Jesse Thorne.

John Hodgman is online at areasofmyexpertise.com. The show is produced by Julia Smith and this week was edited by me. All of the expenses of this podcast are paid for by donations to MaximumFun.org. So get off your duff and visit MaximumFun.org and support this show and all of our other podcasts. Whether you're old hat at Maximum Fun or brand new, we appreciate your support. That's MaximumFun.org slash donate.