Judge John Hodgman - Taxi Evasion

Episode Date: July 10, 2013

Marcelo brings the case against his girlfriend, Sam. When Sam takes off early from a night out, Marcelo would like her to take a cab home. Sam thinks he's not respecting her ability to walk home smartly and safely. Who's right? Who's wrong?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, taxi evasion. Marcello brings the case against his girlfriend, Sam. When Sam takes off early from a night out, Marcello would like her to take a cab home. Sam thinks he's not respecting her ability to walk home, smart and safe. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Gee, it's great after being out late, walking my bailiff back home. Arm in arm over meadow and farm, walking my bailiff back home. We go along harmonizing a song or I'm reciting a poem. Terrible rhyme. Owls go by and they give me the eye. Weird owls walk in my bailiff back home. Bailiff Jesse, swear I'm in. Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that when he's out late, he always returns home via his personal toot-toot and driver? I do. I do. Judge Hodgman? Toot-toot and driver? I do. Judge Hodgman? Toot-toot. It's like a scooter taxi.

Marcello and Sam, hello. Hello, Your Honor. Owls fly by and give me the eye. What is that supposed to... That's so creepy. You guys know that owls are the most common me the eye what is that supposed to that's so creepy you guys know that owls are the most common screen memory for victims of alien abduction you think that song is actually about alien abduction jesse yeah probably i think so too for an immediate summary judgment in your favor however can you name either you, the device that you

put on the back of an elephant to ride around on it? Jesse, you opened the door with Tuk Tuk. And I know that they both know that that song was Walking My Baby Back Home, so I gotta ask a real one. I'm gonna say a saddle? Wrong.

Sam? I'm going to say a saddle. Wrong. Sam? I'm going to say an... Now, wait, before you answer, let me just clarify. Not a saddle. I'm talking about the covered caravan placed on the back of an elephant for you to ride around in an old time. I'm going to change my answer to saddle. Okay. Very clever, Marcelo.

H. Very close in that it started with an H. The answer is a howdah. Howdah. H-O-W-D-A-H. Put that in your cocktail party chatter. The song, of course, was Walking My Baby Back Home, which is a song about men with babies. Men who take their babies out drinking. Take their babies out drinking at night. Maybe

that's why the owls are giving them the eyes, because they're like, hmm, I could probably steal baby. But this is a case about you, Marcello, wanting to control every movement of Sam, who is your wife or girlfriend? Girlfriend. All right. And do you cohabitate?

Yes, we do. And you cohabitate in Somerville, Massachusetts. Yep. The Riviera of Greater Boston. Yes. Do you really live in Somerville, or do you live in Medford and claim that you live in Somerville? No, we live in Somerville.

We live near Spring Hill, so not too far from Winter Hill. Oh, my gosh. You know what, guys? First of all, I think you can probably sense in my voice a little bit of senioritis. It's summertime. I'm ready for vacation. I kind of want to take class outside. I kind of don't care about your case or anything else in the world.

Because after this, I'm done for the summer. Not entirely, but. Should we just watch a movie? No, really. Let's put on the third man and we'll just all like live riff it. I should have done a completely different song for the cultural reference because, as I'm sure you guys know, when I was 17 years old, I had my radio show on WMFO on the Medford-Somerville line, live from Curtis Hall at Tufts University. John Hodgman's Radio Consuelo, every Friday from 6 to 8 p.m. And at that station, WMFO, we still played carts, which were 8-track cartridges. Sure, yeah.

That you would use to drop in radio IDs or whatever. And there was there a song on that cart there was one cart that had a song by an unknown person called the somerville song is a song that changed it was one of those comedic moments where i was like i learned how to make jokes from this song because the somerville song was extremely banal it was like It was a very pretty song. Like, here in Somerville, people go to work and then come home. And then at night, the streetlights change from red to green. And then, very soon, they change back.

It's a carnival of colors here in Somerville. And then something happens in the song after that. All right. Well, this has been the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. Thanks very much, guys. So Somerville is a suburb of Boston, of Cambridge, really. And but it is an urban. It is an urban town.

It is a town. It is a city. It's part of the city. There are music venues, bars, and pinnacle parlors there where the kids stay out late at night. I haven't been there in years and years, may I presume. What are your ages? I'm 34. All right.

I'm 28. Okay. So, you know, the young set live in Somerville. You rent your apartment, right? Correct. Yes. You work in media or you are artists of some kind? No, I'm an attorney. You're an attorney?

Yes. Why are you not living on Beacon Hill with the other attorneys in the White Shoe District? That's what I'm saying, Your Honor. Oh, did we discover a secret second dispute? You're a public, what kind of attorney, what kind of attorney do you do in Slummerville, as we used to call it? I work in government center, and I work for the government. That's appropriate.

Government center, by the way, is Boston's poetic name for the area around City Hall. It sounds – It's a good Jonathan Richman song as well City Hall. It sounds... It's a good Jonathan Richman song as well. Yes, it sounds... Oh, alright. If you mention a song on this podcast, you have to sing it. Go. A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of work today, uh-huh, in the government

center. I forget what the rest. Something about secretaries feeling better. I don't know. I don't remember. Wow. Skype was so mad at government center it's and i forget what the rest something about secret oh yeah secretary's feeling better i don't know i don't remember wow skype skype was so mad at you singing that song that you got teleported away that was one of the most interesting effects i've ever heard in my life but very well done yes government government center and and if government center sounds like the center of government in a dystopian future hellscape, then wait until you see government center. Boston jokes. We're making Boston jokes.

All right. Hey. And Sam, what do you do? I'm a teacher. Guys, you are both valuable members of society. And so you work for the government and you are a teacher. You both work for the government. Where do you teach?

I teach at a middle school in Dorchester. A public or private middle school? Public. All right. And so once a week, you scrape together your pennies, you break your piggy bank, and you go for a night out on the town in Somerville. And you go to where? Like a concert? To an arthouse movie?

To a what? To a dinner? You go over to Red Bones? We actually were at Red Bones that night, and then we went into Central Square, Cambridge. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to buzzmark at Red Bones. Of course I am.

I don't care anymore. I don't care. Yeah, I didn't want to use the name. I know how you hate buzzmarking. Thank you for your honor. Red Bones is the heart of Boston-based barbecue. So you were at Red Bones, but then you went to Central Square. Yeah, to go to a...

Where'd you go? TT the Bears? Did you go to the Middle East Cafe? We went to the Middle East. We went downstairs at the Middle East. Yeah. To see a band? Yeah.

What band did you go to see? Scruffy the Cat? No. Trying to remember. A cover band? Like a band that pretends to be another band. Oh, was it,

was it a scruffy the cat cover the cover band. Thank you, by the way, for defining cover band for us. It's very much appreciated. We don't get those out here on the West coast. So I really appreciate your explanation. Well,

they don't just play cover songs. They actually pretend to be a band and only play one band song. Oh, so like it's a Beatlemania. Right. Like it's a Scruffy the Catmania. What great Boston band were they pretending to be? Pixies? No, they were pretending to be Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake.

You know that he's not a band, right? Right. He is but one man. So it was a band with a front man? Yes. Pretend Justin Timberlake and Sam. What Justin Timberlake song that this person sang was your favorite? Well, that's a funny story. It better be. It ties into our dispute because I actually left before the cover band went on.

Oh, you didn't even stick around for the cover band? They started so late. Were they preceded by a Lance Bass cover band? Jay-Z. You're talking about the famous astronaut Lance Bass? A Jay-. cover band? Yeah, they're basically doing a fake version of that national tour that J.Z. and Justin Timberlake are doing, but instead of at Fenway, in the basement of the Middle East. Oh, okay.

And because you are a public defender or whatever you are, and Sam, you are a teacher, you had to go to the least expensive entertainment option. How much money did they give you to see this? I'm sure they did a good job. So Sam, did you get to see any songs? Well, I got to see the Jay-Z band in their entirety. So what songs did they do, Sam? Can you name any of the Jay-Z songs? entirety. So what songs did they do, Sam? Can you name any of the Jay-Z songs?

Did they play any of the hits? Wait, they weren't playing the hits? They were playing album tracks? Yeah. They actually did a couple of deep cuts. They did. Well, I wanted to hear from Sam which one she liked the best.

Well, they didn't do Big Pimpin'. Okay. You said Big Pimpin'. Now you have to perform it. I got you. Oh, no. This courtroom stops. I need to hear some of it.

Big Pimpin'. Spendin' cheese. Big Pimpin' on BLADs. Yeah. I was more going for the JT band. All right. So you saw this and you very wisely said, I have had enough. I want to go home to Somerville.

Yes. And, Marcello, you said what? I said, well, it's kind of late. Did you say baby? It's cold outside by any chance?

I'd be more comfortable. If you took a taxi, I'd be willing to pay for it. With what? I had some money left from the piggy bank. All right. So, but here's the thing. You guys cohabitate, but you do not, you keep separate bank accounts and separate funds?

Correct. Do you guys, like, split the, you write separate rent checks and you have your own food marked off in the refrigerator and stuff? Not to that extreme. Okay. We do pay separate rent, but we generally, you know, split, you know, utilities, groceries, things like that. Okay. So you said, I'll pay for it, honey. How long have you guys been together?

Over two years now. Okay. So you say, I'll pay for the cab. How much would that cost? Like 20 bucks? Yeah. 20 bucks, which is half a week's salary for both of you. And Sam, you said? I said I would rather just take the T home, the public transportation, because it picks up right near the bar and then the T drops off less than a mile from our house. Less than a mile from your home.

Yes. And it's a bus, right? Is it the 55? No, we take the red line to Davis. And then depending on where you go, it's either 0.8 miles or a mile to our home. Depending on when you go, it's either 0.8 miles or a mile to our home. Depending on when you go? Which way you go. If you take the bike path, it's 0.8 miles.

If you take the major roads, it's a mile. And let me guess, Sam, you wanted to take the bike path? No, I would never take the bike path at night. I only walk on major roads. Okay, all right. You didn't want to take sexual assault lane? Yeah, I figured I'd skip that. And Marcella, you object to her going home alone because you fear for her safety. Is

that correct? Yeah, Your Honor. Given that particular circumstances we were in. Why did you have to think about it? You fear for her safety? Oh yeah yeah that's right yeah why don't you tell me in your own words why you object to sam going home this way it's i'm not i don't object to her traveling by herself okay then then we can leave then we'm not a monster. I don't think. Maybe, I don't know. I have to wait for you to adjudicate this. But I in the scenario where we had dinner,

there were alcoholic beverages consumed. So I'm not saying that she was drunk or anything. I was not. And she's so tired, she does not want to see the band that's going on in five minutes. I think that in those circumstances, you know, there's elevated risk factors and I would feel better if she took a taxi and I'm the one with the issue. So that's

why I offered to pay for it. Yeah. No, you're, you're also a gentleman. That's the other thing. Yes. So you would say that if, what time of night was it? It was about 11 o'clock. 11 o'clock at night. All right. And you're saying Marcelo that if

Sam hadn't put down a few green ladies and was your concern was that and if she weren't so tired Sam hadn't put down a few green ladies. And was your concern was that and if she weren't so tired. You would let her go in a sec, even 11 o'clock. I don't know if I'd let her go in a sec. I would still be young. I think I would still be uncomfortable with it.

But I don't think I would have raised a bigger fuss as I did that particular night. But you're concerned that she's either going to, she'll be so sleepy, drunk and sleepy that she'll fall asleep on the train and end up at the end of the line or wake a in an Estonian brothel or else. Or else she'll be, you know, she'll she'll just be her judgment will be so impaired that a man will come up to her and offer her candy and she'll and she'll eat the roofie candy and then wake up in an Estonian brothel? Well, not that extreme, Your Honor, but at that, I think it's clear that... Okay, okay. Stop talking. Stop talking now. Sam? Okay.

Yes? How many drinks did you have on this particular night? I probably had, over the course of the night, including dinner, like five. Let me ask you, was it your job to drive the subway car?

Was that the issue? No. Okay. I would never drink and drive. Right. Okay. How many have you had just now, by the way? What was that?

How many, how many drinks have you had before this podcast? I poured a glass of wine. Ah, red or white? White. It's hot. You're drinking hot wine? No, it's hot outside. No, it's hot.

It's hot time in the summertime in Boston, right? Yeah. And it's a nice, cool, what kind of wine? A vino verde. Oh, Portuguese vino verde. Very verde very nice little light carbonation right a little bit yeah i'm with you it was the last day of school today so yeah summertime do you guys just want to go down to the pool i do i want to i got a summer pool pass school is out all right how do you was your judgment so impaired or were you so tired that you were School is out. All right.

Was your judgment so impaired or were you so tired that you were either going to fall asleep or go away with a stranger on this trip home? Absolutely not. So let's just take that out of consideration. Okay, Marcelo. Well, Your Honor, I think that I don't think that she would take candy from a stranger, but being alert is important for personal safety on a walk home. And she and I think. How long a walk? I think you said it was. You say it's about a mile.

About a mile. How long does it take? You said it's about a mile. About a mile. How long does it take? Let's say if you've had a few and you're stumbling along. I was certainly not stumbling. It would probably take 15 minutes to walk a mile.

15 minutes, okay. What is the walk home? Well, I would only take I would walk down to that fairly busy street. Which ones? Highland and then Peter, which are both pretty well lit streets, I would say. Yeah, fairly busy with car traffic. But if I remember correctly, do these have a lot of open businesses along the way? No, not at that time of night, unless you're right next to the T.

Right, right, right. So pedestrian traffic kind of zero, wouldn't you say? Yes. All right. Zero pedestrian traffic. Put that in the record, Bail Yes. All right. Zero pedestrian traffic. Put that in the record, Bailiff Jessie. Little, little pedestrian traffic. Very little pedestrian traffic.

Understood. There are a few Estonians. Look, I'm not saying anything about Estonians. I think you did say something about Estonians. I just located my fictional brothel in Estonia. Are you going to say Estonians who are mad now that there isn't a single brothel in your country that I could imagine? Is that? Let those who are without brothels cast the first roofied candy at me. You know, right now, Estonians are writing angry letters about how all the brothels are in Romania.

You know what that that could be? I don't know. But I bet you, I bet you if I needed to, I could find a brothel in Estonia. Like if you were a contestant on The Amazing Race. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So anyway, guys, so but all right. So, Sam. Yes, I am concerned for your safety on that walk home at 11, because at that point, if you leave if you leave the Middle East at 11. The train ride is going to take, what, 15, 25 minutes. Less than that. Depending on when the train comes. People don't understand. Boston is a big city, but it is

pretty provincial. The T still stops running at like 1 a.m., right? That's true. And people in Boston go to bed early. How late does a Justin Timberlake tribute band go? I think the band probably would have ended around 1245, but the bar would have closed around two. Right. Two o'clock, which, you know, look. There was a time in my life when I lived when there was a time in my life when that seemed like late. That was when I was a teenager in Boston. Now I'm a grown-up man. But what I'm trying to establish here is that 1130 at night is pretty late for Boston.

Yes. It's on the later side. What was that Houdini song? The Freaks Come Out at Night. You said it. Now you have to perform it. I got you. The Freaks Come Out at Night.

The Freaks Come Out at Night. You said it, now you have to perform it. I got you. The freaks come out at night. The freaks come out at night. Hup, hup, hup. You knew that one was coming. What I like about freaks is that they're really good lovers. It's true. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The point is, Sam, the freaks come out at night. So tell me why it's safe for you to be walking along

deserted Highland Avenue at 1130. Well, I mean, it's certainly not safe, but I take, you know, all the precautions I can. I never wear headphones. I, you know, walk quickly. I hold my purse close to me. And, you know, I hadn't always been dating Marcello. There were plenty of years when I walked home alone by myself just fine. You're an independent woman. I'm an independent woman. You know how to take care of yourself. It sounds like I'm trying to trick you into singing a song, but I'm not. Those aren't song titles. Those are just statements. Sam, you say you don't wear headphones and you hold your purse close to you. None of that matters.

If you're by yourself and someone chooses to target you, what are the lack of headphones, or for that matter, sobriety, going to have anything to do with it? You make a valid point. I mean, it's certainly still not safe walking home by myself. Right. I mean, it's like no one's going to come up to you and say, I was going to steal your purse, but you're holding it pretty close.

I didn't want to get all up in there. Because if someone approached you and said, this is kind of the best case scenario, give me your purse, what are you going to do? Give it to them. That's right. There's nothing to do with how you're holding it. I guess maybe it's good for you to not wear headphones so that you can hear the guy saying, give me your purse. So why not just take the 20 bucks from the gentleman Marcello?

Well, it's a principle thing. I think I am fully capable of taking the T. So why waste 20 bucks when i am capable of taking the tea and b could spend that money on something else like what what would you spend it on i don't know dinner you know i'd like to save up for things right put it in the bank right what are you saving up for you know trips. Where are you going to go? Where are you going for your summer vacation? We're going to Guam. I'm from Guam. And we're going in a week and a half.

How is it that we are now half an hour into this podcast and you're now telling me you're from Guam? All right, Sam, Sam, go refill your vino verde. I got to hear all about Guam. First of all, Guam is a territory of the United States? Yes. What's the population, 70?

It's about 150,000, though I didn't look at the last census, so I'm not positive. You only looked at the previous census? Well, when I worked for the government in Guam in 2000, I looked at the census. You worked for the government in Guam? I did after college, yes. And where did you go to college? Guam State? I went to Boston University. Oh, BU.

Guam campus? It just. All right. Guam campus. So did you go to Boston University at Guam? All right. Very quickly. Guam is in the South Pacific? It's not. It's north of the equator. I like.

It's in the Pacific. Southeast Asia. It's in the Pacific. Yes. Okay. And it's primarily a military installation? No. Although the military takes up about a third of the island.

That's why it's a U.S. territory, right? Right. Because we're a convenient place to refill battleships. Right. Refuel battleships. Refuel battleships. Yeah. It's basically. But it's number one. Refuel battleships. It's basically,

but it's number one. And so the traditional tourism. Oh, it is. Okay. Yeah. Cause you can go there. You don't need a passport to go there.

Right. Or do you? No. I think it's more that we get tourists from Asia. Oh, okay. I gotcha. What's the big town in Guam?

The capital is Haguatnya. Haguutnya? Yeah. So now when people at home hear this, they're going to make fun of my pronunciation. Well, why can't you pronounce the name of your capital city correctly? Well, it used to be a Ganya. And then there was a change to sort of make the names more in line with the indigenous language, Chamorro. So now it's Hagatnya, but I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. Hagatnya.

Yeah. Okay. And what do Asian tourists come there to do? What's the attraction? In the 80s, it was a very popular destination for Japanese businessmen. From what I'm told, it's cheaper to fly to Guam and play a round of golf at that time than to be part of one of these very elite Japanese golf clubs. Okay. And is it a safe island?

Well, I mean, there are sometimes there'll be inebriated sailors and inebriated locals and that that will lead to bite the bars with it is that is it possible that this is this is this this is why you have this image of your girlfriend being traumatized by drunken sailors on on her way home uh i mean maybe we're all a product of where we're from, right? Why did you go to school at Boston University? I grew up on Guam, and it's a beautiful tropical island, and I love it, but it has some of the disadvantages of being from somewhere small and isolated. So I was a nerd, and I didn't fit in. I said, oh, maybe I'll fit in more in the States. And then I decided the East Coast was cooler than the West Coast. And then Boston University gave me the most money. Very good. That all sounds like a pretty reasonable

decision tree that you worked your way through. Very good. Prudent man. Obviously very careful. Unfortunately, you came all that way to Boston to live in one of now the most expensive cities in the world. And you're just working in the world. Yeah. And you're just working in government center. I have one question about Guam. Do they have tuk-tuks? No.

Wait, you know what? I don't know. What is a tuk-tuk? Maybe we call it something else. It's like a scooter that's also a taxi and it has like a little roof. Not a scooter like a razor scooter. So they might now. I don't know what is the is does guam consider itself a it's a territory does it consider itself a nation

uh you know there uh when i was growing up there was a movement uh for people to try and uh have guam become a independent country i'm not sure how strong that movement is now. I consider myself part of the United States. All right. And so does my father, who is a veteran. A veteran of what service? What branch? The Army. He's a retired colonel.

All right. Thank you for your service. And what is the indigenous population they would be called? What? Chamorro, did you say? Chamorro. Chamorro. And there's also a large Filipino population.

And is that where Marcelo comes from? Are you Filipino? I am part local. I'm part Chamorro, part Filipino. But my great-grandfather was Marcelo Scamboluri and he came over after the Spanish-American War when the U.S. took Guam from Spain. Oh, okay. He was Spanish? 1998, I believe. Does Guam have a... Oh, go ahead.

The Marcello Scambolori? Does Guam have a national anthem or a song? Yeah. What's it called? What's the name of it? Just say the name of it.

Oh, man. Your Honor, this is going to force me to sing in my indigenous language, and I won't be able to, and I'll be very embarrassed and bring shame upon my family. Just consider it a learning experience for everyone. Just say the name of it. Phanogi Chamorro. Phanogi Chamorro? Phanogi. Phanogi or Phanogi?

Ph. Ph. As in flower. As in Funogi Chamorro. And how does it go again? You know, I haven't lived on Guam in a very long time. Let me make this perfectly clear. Your family is never going to hear this.

They will be more embarrassed if you don't try to sing the song meanwhile every listener in the world every listener to this podcast has no knowledge whatsoever of chamorro and you are going to sound like the greatest guy in the world if you sing it but if you don't sing it everyone is going to think you're a terrible coward. Now, I want you to think to yourself, what would Marcello Scambolori do? Opening is, it's a, Finogi Chamorro, and I don't know the rest. Do, do, do, do, do. Wait a minute, stop. Dun, dun, dun, dun. No, stop. I honestly don't know. Wait a minute.

Stop. No, stop. We don't know the lyrics right now. Your honor. How do you spell Finogi Chamorro? F I N G H O E. F I N G H. Wait.

F I N. F I N O G H E. I think. O GG-H-E. Chamorro. Would be C-H-A-M-O-R-R-O. Pinogi Chamorro. What's the best fruit in Guam? The best fruit?

Yeah. Oh, star apple. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. What's that all about? It, it's an apple. It kind of looks like a star.

Sure. All right, here we go. Look, I don't know if you've heard about the internet cause you're from Guam, I guess, but I got the lyrics right here. Pinogi Chamorro also translated into English as Stand Ye Guamanians.

Oh, yeah. Stand Ye Guamanians for your country, I think, is the first line. Yeah. I'm going to give you the... I know that you don't have access to the Internet. You're only talking to me on Skype. Well, if I typed you, the microphone would pick up me typing. We're using the built-in mic. Stand ye, gwameni, here. Panogi chamoro puti tanota, kanta i matuna na,

ki todo i lugat. Panogi chamoro puti tanota, tan tan tan tan. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't catch the second line. Kanta matuna na, ki todo i lugat. Anta Matunanaki Todu i Lugat. Anta Matunanaki Todu i Lugat. Yeah.

I have a shame on my island now. No, you brought pride. You brought pride to the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast, to your home in Somerville, Massachusetts, and to Guamanians who are stand-yeeing all around this country and their own.

Everyone is happier now that you tried to sing. It's like when I sang The Freaks Come Out at Night. Exactly. Remember how you felt? We all remember the moment we heard Jesse Thorne sing

The Freaks Come Out at Night on the Judge John Odden contest. Now that I've heard that song, I've heard everything I need to make my decision. I'm going I'm going to my my I'm not going to my chambers. I'm going to go hang out by the gazebo by the pond for a little while and I'll make my decision there and then I'll come back through the playground. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sam. Yes. It's not your money and taking a taxi cab home just makes you feel like a rich king or queen in your case. Why wouldn't you just take the sawbuck and take the easy way out?

It's a matter of principle. The principle is you want to upset your boyfriend? It's that I'm an independent woman. I don't want him telling me what to do. Marcello? Yes, Jesse? Can you tell me, do star apples just taste like apples? No, they're a little more bitter, but they're still pretty good.

Huh, more bitter, huh? Yeah. What color is their flesh? It's kind of a little lighter than a granny smith green or like green yellow kind of like but yeah i mean they just there's trees everywhere this is the best fruit on guam uh i mean i was trying to think of something that's specific to guam i mean you know because we have a grocery store and there's like oranges on guam no not at the grocery store. We have like, you can grow pineapples on Guam, but I was trying to think of something

that I've only seen on Guam. His parents have a banana tree. That's pretty good. Yeah, I had an avocado tree growing up. I mean, I got an avocado tree. Those are all over California. This is your own fault that you moved

to Boston. Okay, guys. Marcel, your girlfriend is a grown adult who can make her own decisions. Why shouldn't she be allowed to? I'm not trying to make decisions for her, but I think when you're single, the acceptable risk in your life, I think, is different than if you're in a relationship. Then it's different than if you're married. Then it's different if you have children. The amount of risk that is acceptable for you to take, I think,

changes where you are in your relationship. Do you have something important to say to Sam right now? Are you pregnant? No. We'll be back in just a moment with Judge Hodgman's decision. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning,

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Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. I was just enjoying some Guamanian satsumas. They have satsumas in Guam? Hold the

phone! No, they don't. Sorry about that, but I did learn that there is a town called Satsuma in Alabama. That was a cruel switcheroo, Judge Hodgman. Did you not just hear about the town in Alabama called Satsuma? That sounds like a great town. Do they have Satsumas there? Yeah, they got Satsumas in

California and Louisiana. Wait a minute. We're doing our riff into the docket at this point now. Everything is all out of order. Listen, you guys. What I did not reveal is that I have a personal stake in this. Because I am watching you through your windows. No.

Because as you gathered, I i am from i'm from brookline massachusetts and i spent quite a bit of my growing up time in the area and and summers after i went to college uh and you summer in the hills of massachusetts i've gathered oh now who's being creepy? Judge Hodgman, here's 20 bucks in case you want to take a taxi home. I didn't realize it. I tricked myself into singing now who's being creepy. Now who's being creepy? Now who's being creepy?

Now who's being creepy? Now. Now. It was a terrible song. All right. Here's the thing. Right. now now it was a terrible song all right here's the thing that's right but i so after i came of drinking age during summers i would go home and see my old high school friend and we would go out and sometimes we would go out in cambridge sometimes we go out in somerville

maybe i went to johnny d's and one of these evenings that i was out in somerville i was hanging out with my friend who shall remain nameless but a woman and i was getting a little tired and i'm like i'm gonna go home i said uh friend uh are you coming and she said no i'm fine i'm'm going to hang around. I just met this dude. So I left. And later, I would find out that my friend got into a very close call with this stranger dude at this place in Somerville. And my girlfriend at the time, now my wife, said, how could you possibly leave your friend alone in a bar in Somerville? She didn't say in Somerville because there's nothing particularly wrong about Somerville. And I said, I said stupidly, I am a modern human. And our mutual friend, this woman, is a modern woman who can take care of herself.

And so it never occurred to me that I should do something as old world as stay with her and see her home because we're all equal now, right? And my girlfriend, who is now my wife, said, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. We are all so lucky that she's okay. And she's fine. And nothing really terrible happened. But it got a little creepy. And it very well could have gone way creepy.

Because there are some realities in life. Which is that women alone in Somerville are targets. which is that women alone in Somerville are targets. But women by themselves can be targeted by creeps, as men can. But statistically speaking, it's more often women. And even though... Sorry, was that the subway passing? Yeah, I'm sorry. That's the commuter rail, Your Honor.

Is it really? Yeah, we live by the commuter rail track. Oh, yeah, we live by the train track. Yeah, exactly. We live by the, we live by the commuter rail track. Oh yeah. We live by the train track. Yeah, exactly. You live by the train tracks, dudes. Sam,

you're lucky that you weren't attacked by hobos every night when you come home. They'll kill a man for a jug of strawberry wine. Is this to say, Sam, that you have poor judgment? Obviously not. Is it to say that you should have a walk home with a friend every time you go home? Obviously not. Can you take care of yourself? Obviously you can because you have done so for a long time. Right. But there is another reality that you are not facing. Right. Which is that you said, I'm an independent woman.

Wrong! You are not an independent woman because you are in a committed relationship with a dude that you love and who loves you and you are living together. Therefore, you have someone else's dumb feelings wrapped up in every decision you make

for the rest of your life or until you break this off. That is unfortunately part of being a couple. You cannot take risks of any kind, period. No, that's not what I mean. You cannot take risks. The risks that you take are no longer accrue only to you. They also accrue to the person that you have allowed into your life.

Whether or not this person should be in your life is not for me to say. It seems okay, though. I don't know why I made it that dark. You guys seem to be in a good relationship. But you are now entwined together because he is concerned for your safety. It does not make him a monster. And if you take, if you walk home and it makes him anxious,

it may be something that you think shouldn't be important, but it nonetheless is important. It is deserving of your consideration. Even if you have to take a taxi home at the incredible cost of $20, what the walking home alone at 11 30 at night on a non-pedestrian heavy area of Somerville Massachusetts which for all of its urban charms can get a little desolate at night I think you're taking a risk I wouldn't even I wouldn't I would say the same if the genders were reversed in this case so i think you see where i'm going with my ruling uh i think that from now on

if marcello just has a gut feeling that he would feel better well first of all i think we can both agree that marcello would have been happier if you had stuck around for that Justin Timberlake band. And I think the real lesson of this is you understand that Sam didn't leave because she was tired. She left because it was terrible. The real lesson from this... I was really looking forward to the Justin Timberlake band, though. We were looking forward to that for a while.

Look, I'm sure she says these things to you, but you also have to acknowledge the reality that you are in a relationship as well. And you're both going to tell lies to each other to make each other happy. And you should do other things. I would say it is a better thing to take care of yourselves and make small sacrifices such as the right to walk home alone every time to make each other happy, than to lie and say, I want to see a Justin Timberlake tribute band. But the big lesson obviously is I order you to go see higher quality entertainment that will keep you awake

so that you may go home together as lovers as it should be. But in future, I would say after, well, I'm not going to make a ruling. In future, if one of you wants to go home and the other one has a reasonable concern for your safety, not to infantilize that person, but to set the other person's mind at ease,

if Marcello offers you 20 bucks to take a cab, or alternately, Sam, if you spend $20 of your vacation mad money to send Marcello home in a cab because you're worried for his safety or you just don't want him around anymore, take the money. You have you are together now. You have to be mindful of the risks that you put yourself. Into at I don't know too much of, you know, Verde. You guys know the song. This is the sound of a gavel. Uh, no, no, it goes like this. This is the sound of gavel.

Scat singing. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Sam, how do you feel? I feel I was pretty confident I was going to win. So, you know, I guess the judge is right. But that means Marcel also should not be going home alone. Only if you're concerned for my safety. If you have a genuine concern sam are you concerned about marcello who's growing up in guam made him soft

as soft as a rotten star apple marcello how do you feel uh i i was a little nervous because i was – I didn't – I thought that I was going to try and make the point, though not as eloquently as the judge. I was going to try and make that point, and I didn't get to. And I was concerned that I was going to lose because I didn't get a chance to make that point. So I feel pretty good. And, yeah. Is your vacation fund going to get depleted $20 at a time? Uh, we don't,

we don't go out where we would need a cab that often. So maybe once a month. Only when something really important comes up. Like a Jay-Z cover band. Well, guys, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Star Apple, Judge Hodgman.

Oh, I was just enjoying these Guamanian satsumas. Now I know you're pulling my leg. No, how could you tell? Because I'm not eating any fruit and you can see me? Because I'm in Los Angeles with you? Should we just clear the docket? All right. Here's something from Rob.

My girlfriend Alicia and I dog sit occasionally for a woman who lives in an apartment that's designated not by an apartment number, but by a letter. In this case, the letter is C. We often order a pizza to be delivered to this apartment when we stay there as a special treat. When I place the order, I give the street address, and then I say, apartment number C. This exasperates my girlfriend as C is in fact a letter. Yet the pizza person often repeats the order back to me saying, number C. It is my contention that when referring to an apartment, be it numbered or lettered, one can refer to the designation as a number.

Am I right? Would you just read the first line of that letter again for me, please, Jesse? My girlfriend Alicia and I dog-sit occasionally for a woman who lives in an apartment that's designated not by an apartment number, but by a letter. Don't you think my girlfriend and I dog sit occasionally for a woman who lives in an apartment sounds like a lyric from a Rupert Holmes song? You know, the guy who wrote the Pina Colada song? My girlfriend and I dog sit occasionally for a woman who lives in an apartment.

That's what I thought the first moment I heard it, and therefore I didn't listen to the rest of the talk yet. Because I was frantically trying to remember who wrote the piña colada song. You were busy generating a relaxed calypso rhythm. Do you like piña coladas? Getting caught in the rain. Do you like walking after midnight?

Do you like making love at midnight? Making love at midnight. In the dunes of the Cape. That's the worst lyric since the owl giving me the eye. Then you're the one that I'm searched for. Come with me and escape. Which is actually the name of the song. Escape.

Parentheses. The Pina Colada song. I had to sing it because I mentioned it. Apartment C. Say apartment C. Just say apartment C. You don't need to say apartment letter C. You don't need to say apartment number C, certainly. Just say apartment C.

Here's something from Kristen. Roughly two years ago, I met my soon-to-be fiancé, Jerry. At the time, I was certain our relationship would be superficial slash physical. He assured me that within one year, we would not only still be together, but deeply in love. I, with my jaded heart, laughed in his face. And a wager was born. If we were still together, I would foot the bill for a vacation in its entirety. Now, much more than a year has passed, and we disagree as to which party gets to pick the time and location. He says that as the winner, it should be part of the spoils of war. I say,

as the forker over, all details, including time and location, belong to me. Please help us. Sorry, I wasn't listening because I was looking up the lyrics to the Pina Colada song. This is what we missed. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga

and you have half a brain Here it comes. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the Cape. A cape doesn't really have any dunes. It's kind of a big thing. Then if you're the love that I've looked for, come with me and escape. It's just a song about a dude who's getting tired of his lady.

So he reads a personal ad and he decides, I'm going to cheat on my wife. And guess what happens? It's a funny twist. He answers the personal ad because he does love pina coladas and he does have half a brain. And they meet up and guess who it is? It's his wife who had placed the ad. Two creeps found each other again after trying to ditch one another. Love tropical style.

And speaking of love with this couple, yeah, obviously the guy should get to choose where he. Love tropical style. And speaking of love, between these, with this couple, yeah, obviously the guy should get to choose where he goes on the vacation. He won the bet. She doesn't get to choose. She won love. She won love.

If you've got a case for the Judge John Hodgman podcast, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. No case too big or too small. If you're a songwriting rights organization, please do not contact us. Hey, guess what, Jesse? Before we go, Julia just informed me that we have 633 discreet downloads of this podcast in Guam. That means

there are perhaps up to 633 listeners of one podcast each, and they all gave up, of one episode each, and they all gave up after that. Or there might be one Guamanian who loves the show so much he's downloading each episode six times. Either way, I have this message for you. This goes out to all of our listeners in Guam. Thank you. Guamanians, you may now be seated. Thank you for standing up for your national anthem, Stand Ye Guamanians, you may now be seated. Thank you for standing up for your national anthem, Stand Ye Guamanians. You know, I say, first Guamanian listener of Judge John Hodgman, who emails me after listening to this program, free t-shirt.

Free t-shirt? But it has to be a mailing address in Guam. And how about this? Speaking of t-shirts, if you're not in Guam and you're not getting a free t-shirt? But it has to be a mailing address in Guam. And how about this? Speaking of t-shirts, if you're not in Guam and you're not getting a free t-shirt, you can go to maxfundstore.com to get our brand new Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage t-shirt. It is a fantastic t-shirt, whether or not it says Guam on it or not. The first run sold out so quickly that we didn't even get to announce it on the show. But there's more now in stock, so go to maxfundstore.com, check it out. It is very cool.

It's also printed on a super ultra premium t-shirt. I make sure of that. It's a hot t-shirt. I mean, it's cool. I mean, it's both. It's really neat. So maxfundstore.com. It'll help you regulate your temperature, but it's not going to be too hot.

And now it's crunch time. If you want to join me and Judge Hodgman on the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. Boatparty.biz. Boatparty.biz, as seen in Wired magazine. Oh, really? Is that so? That's true. Also, on Wired.com, you can hear my voice and the voice of amazing Emily Heller in a new cartoon from David Reese called Codefellas. And you should watch Judge Hodgman's new special, Ragnarok, on your Netflix streaming special.

That's John Hodgman. Your Netflix streaming service. Your Netflix streaming special. John Hodgman colon Ragnarok. It is songs and comedy and mustache viewings at the end of the world. Available now as a Netflix original on Netflix. If you have Netflix, it's free. If you don't have Netflix, get with it, everybody.

Thanks this week to Lewis Powell for naming our episode. You can go to Facebook and like Judge John Hodgman if you want a shot at naming a future episode of the program. Thanks, Lewis. We'll talk to you next time on the judge, John Hodgman podcast. The judge, John Hodgman podcast is a production of maximum fun.org.

Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at maximum fun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at Forum.MaximumFun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman.

We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. New York and Paris And London and Rome Yes, they all have their charms I agree

But the people who call All those places their home Miss something Just take it from me The Louvre and the UN have beauty They shine with a kind of a sheen But far from the Ritz In Massachusetts Far from the Ritz in Massachusetts Is a place with the grace of a queen There is a town around old Boston Bay, A place where time and light stand still.

Just follow your nose and heart, and soon your feet Will find themselves in Somerville The city center there is filled with streets A sub shop graces every hill You might think you're dreaming Then again you might not Anyway you're in Somerville Cop watch the buildings stand up proud and tall

While far below the pavement hugs the ground At night the stoplights change their hue from red to green Then they change back from green to red A carnival of color here in Somerville Too bad that everyone's in bed A wondrous place where branches hang on every tree Where people go to work and then go home. So come to where the rain and snow fall from the sky.

Where day is light and night is dark and still. Yes, come watch nature on display. It's always free of charge, That's how it is in Somerville, In Somerville, oh Somerville