Judge John Hodgman - The Bedroom Three-way

Episode Date: May 11, 2011

College pals Corey, Tyler and Caitlyn are moving into a new apartment in the coming school year with three bedrooms: two small, one gloriously spacious. Who deserves the biggest room?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the bedroom three-way. Corey, Tyler, and Caitlin are college pals at Ball State University. They've rented a three-bedroom apartment with one huge bedroom and two tiny ones. Who deserves the premium space? Corey, the eldest? Tyler, the musician? Caitlin, who lives in the apartment already? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Holy crap. Piece of city duck out there. He knows what he's doing.

I am the law. That's Sylvester Stallone as Judge Dredd. Another famous judge. Another famous judge of Megacity 1. You know, they're making a as Judge Dredd. Another famous judge. Another famous judge of Megacity 1. You know, they're making a new Judge Dredd movie. They are? Yeah, starring Steve Buscemi. Makes sense.

As Judge Steve Buscemi. They haven't cast Judge Dredd yet, but he's the main villain. Corey, Tyler, Caitlin, please raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge Sean Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he uses upwards of three bedrooms to sleep in each night? I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman?

So who is the complainant in this case? Corey. It's an unusual situation because we have a three-way race for justice here. Three ways are more common in college. So who is the primary male in this polyamorous triad? I would like to say it was me. Is that Corey? I'm not quite sure just yet. This is Corey, yes.

Okay. Corey, why don't you explain the situation and try to just explain it without a lot of prejudice and a lot of anger and a lot of sort of polyamorous rage? Of course. I mean, I try and live my life through the principles of polyamory, but I'll do my best to keep it. You're all college students. Yes. All three of us are college students. At an accredited university in the United States. That we are, Ball State. Ball State, the college that sounds like it was a made-up college for a ribbled Hollywood frat movie. Yeah. And I also believe the alma mater of David Letterman, no?

Am I wrong on that? That is correct. He went to their fine meteorology school there or something? Are any of you recipients of David Letterman's famous endowed scholarship for C students? No. So you're all above average or below average? famous endowed scholarship for C students? No. No. So you're all above average or below average?

I don't know that we can all three be put in the same group. Okay. Stop being coy and start answering questions. Corey, what's the problem? All right. There are three of us that are living in this apartment next year. It's a three-story apartment. The first story is like kind of the commons area.

We have a living room, a dining room, and a kitchen. The second story consists of the bathroom the laundry room and two very small bedrooms and the third story is essentially a loft in itself it's got a huge walking closet that is in itself the size of one of the bedrooms and it's amazing and i said all three of us would like that top bedroom well you sent in a floor plan here and i'm going to try to help the to help the fake radio listener at home to visualize what we're seeing here. So it is a three-story apartment. Three-story apartment.

Boy, oh boy, Indiana. Indiana living. All right. It's a three-story apartment with a fairly large living room, dining area, kitchen on the first floor. The second floor has two rather small, modest bedrooms, right? Each of them about nine and a half feet by nine and a half feet on average. They're both basically square, right? One's a little bit bigger because it's got the bay window, but it's narrower.

The other one is more square, but they're small, right? Very small. And they each have their own closets. And then the top floor bedroom is essentially the entire floor. So it is as large as a living room, 12 feet by almost 16 feet, plus a walk-in closet, which as you say, is almost as large as one of the bedrooms. This is the apartment that was designed by a mad architect to cause problems. Essentially, yes. Now, Corey, you brought this up. What's your argument for you getting that big bedroom? Because there's no, I mean, it's crazy. It's

completely unjust apartment. Oh, no, not, yeah, of course. My argument would be that one, I am the furthest through my school. I am going to be a senior next year, where the other two are both going to be juniors next year. What does that have to do with anything? I believe I have some right as an elder. Oh, because you're older? Technically, no. Oh, okay. You're better educated than your friends? No. Let's go with that. Wait, stop. I will have order. No one will Hector Corey but me. Understand? You'll all have your chance to make fun of him.

And it is coming. We haven't even gotten to your organ yet. Your argument about seniority has to do with how far along you are in college, not seniority in the apartment, because this will be a new apartment for all of you, right? No. Caitlin is already living there. Oh, Caitlin is already in the apartment? Yes. She lived there last year. Oh, you lived there last year, Caitlin? Yes, I did. So you have senior already in the apartment? Yes. She lived there last year. Oh, you lived there last year, Caitlin? Yes, I did.

So you have seniority in the apartment? Oh, I do. Okay. Hold on that. Hold on that for a second. Corey? Yep, absolutely. Hold on that, please.

I said hold. Corey? Yes? Your argument about college is summarily dismissed. That's bogus. Move on. What else? Also, I...

That's like saying, I should have that apartment because I saw Judge Dredd with Sylvester Stallone in the theater. First of all, it's completely irrelevant. And second of all, a highly dubious achievement. Just getting to junior year in college is not enough. Go on. As a telecommunications student, I do a lot of recording, and I'm working on a podcast right now myself, and I'm hoping to get a good recording studio. Right now, I've been trying to record out of my bedroom, but it's very noisy, and I was hoping with a third floor separated from the rest of the house, I would be able to do a little bit of soundproofing and be able to record in my own little home studio, just as you do, Jesse, for Sound of Young America.

Can we keep the ingratiating directed at me, please? Jesse can't help you now. Of course. And third, as you mentioned earlier, I guess second, if you're throwing out the seniority, I do win an organ. You're talking about a musical organ. You're not walking around with an extra spleen. You don't have somebody's taxidermed liver mounted on a plaque or anything.

No, but that would be, that would be a conversation piece. Those people usually live in the basement anyway. But I, I do own a large electric organ, um, that is somewhat loud and large and cumbersome that my, my roommates are not the biggest fans of. Yeah, I can imagine they're not. No. How large is the organ? It's very, it's heavy.

Oh, then why wouldn't you put it on the top floor? Okay, so this is like an electric organ that you would have bought in a mall organ store in like 1979. You can change it from sounding like an organ, which sounds like this. You can make it sound like a clarinet, which sounds like this, or a violin that sounds like this, right? That's the one. Yeah. I used to play one of those. I used to play one of those at my Aunt Janice's house in Philadelphia. Okay. And I'm looking at a photograph of it here, and I see that you've got on top of this retro kitschy organ a lava lamp

as well. And you also have a model of the Wienermobile, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Yes. Can you play this organ? Can you play it? Yes. What are your favorite songs to play? I like playing old jazz. Mostly because I can just kind of pound it out and sing over the top of it. Is it nearby? Yeah, hold on. Why don't you work on that, and I'm going to ask these other people some questions. Okay. Okay.

First of all, guys, this is going to come down to you two. I don't want to tell Corey this right now, but there's no way he's getting in the room just because he's got a dumb organ. Thank you. I got reasons for this. We'll listen to the song and everything else, but it's going to be kind of bittersweet because he doesn't even know that I've already made up my mind. Yeah, we'll play along. Okay.

Tyler, you know, right now I got to say that Caitlin's got a pretty good claim. What's your claim? Right. She does have seniority in the department. She's been there for the school year. One good claim that you have right there is that you acknowledge reality, as opposed to your deranged friend. Plus, you don't have any kitschy affectations like an old-timey organ in an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile bank in a lava lab. Judge Hodgman, in five minutes, you just

nailed Corey's personality. Yeah, right. Well, that's how I got this job that pays me nothing. Now, listen. What possible argument could you make as a person who acknowledges reality? I am the oldest of the three. Okay, that's bogus. I don't care. Don't you agree?

It's irrelevant. We're not children. Mathematically speaking, I could easily die first out of all these people, so I have less time to live. I could easily die first out of all these people. So I have less time to live. So it's, you know. You really shouldn't be joking about mortality with a guy who's going to turn 40 years old in a month. What is your age?

I'm 21. Yeah. So shut up, 21 years old, joking about his own death. It's not so funny when you turn 23. What is your age, Caitlin? I am 20. I will be 21 on July 1st. God.

Okay, so wait, wait, wait. Hang on, Corey. Are you ready? Yeah, what do you want to play? What I want you to do is I want you to express in song why you feel you should have this room. And that way I'll be able to evaluate not only your musicianship, but also what it's going to sound like to live with you. All right. Dear God, Mommy, Daddy, please pick me up from this horrible birthday party at Pizza and Pip in burlingame california i don't know what pizza and pipes is but i can only i can only imagine it is the best place to get pizza because i was

absolutely delighted by that uh cory you know i don't know if you heard this when you were moving your computer over by your kitschy uh hipster, but I was saying to your future housemates that there was no way I was going to let you live in that room for all the obvious reasons that you are detached from reality and you collect wacky things to make your personality more interesting. But I'll tell you this, sir, you are back in the running now. That delighted me. That is the theme song for Judge John Hodgman for three more episodes. You know what? You're not bad at it. You're pretty good at that. I'm not sure I'd want to wake up to that every day. But I could certainly see why you might be a fun

person to have in the house. And I could also see why it would be to everyone's benefit to have you as isolated as possible. Your argument has been made. But now I want to hear Tyler. Tyler was just explaining that he's 21. Caitlin is about to turn 21. Corey, what is your age? I'll turn 21 in two days. Okay.

Well, happy birthday. Thank you. Tyler, give me – Corey me now it's Corey. Now it's time for you to be quiet. Tyler, you give me, uh, your explanation is why you deserve it. So I'm a musician. Um, and like Corey, I would like to have a space to work on music and have a studio. Um, I've got a keyboard and a couple of computers using that I use for production, but I'd also, you know, it's such a big room and I don't need all that are used for production but i'd also you know it's such a big room and i don't need all that space just for myself to live um and i've got a futon

and a recliner i can bring i've got an n64 because everybody loves to play some 007 gold and i and i've got a wait wait wait i have to hang on let break in here. Are we talking through a wormhole? Am I talking to someone in 1993? Listen, everybody. I've got a futon. I've got an N64. I've got all the hot games. I got Mega Man 1. Now, wait a minute. Let me ask you this question. Do you really have an N64? Yeah. And do you have it ironically? Yes. Hang on. I'm making an ironic mark.

It's sort of a quote unquote mark. Right. Right. So, all right. So you've got, you've got all these things that people love futons and N64, the people of the nineties love, right? It can be a hangout easily. I think this is a reasonable argument.

I don't know that it's a winning argument, but it's a reasonable argument in that you are saying I have a bunch of weird stuff just like Corey, but also I am willing to give back. I recognize the responsibility of owning this room. I'm willing to give back by letting people sit on a smelly futon and play 15-year-old video games. Yeah. All right. Caitlin, let me ask you some more questions about this house because you know it the best. Okay. You've lived in this for a year.

Who are your current roommates? My current roommate is a girl that I went to high school with. Okay. And also her cousin. So they're all people that attend Ball Space. And you kicked them out because you can't stand them? Not quite. My roommate has a boyfriend that I think she is interested in living with.

So you kicked her out out of sexual jealousy? That's right. It looks like I touched another nerve. They don't empower me with the authority to track down criminals, judge them, and execute them on the spot in Mega City One because I don't have a good intuition for what's going on. I am the law. You are the law. What is your relationship to these guys? I've known Tyler.

Tyler Hoover of Muncie, Indiana. Yes, of the Hoovers of Tipton County. I saw a documentary on them by the guy who made Jackass. But I've known Tyler since high school. Well, I mean, really, we grew up in the same very, very small town. You know, I'd love to get the whole story because you guys sound great, but I just need to ascertain here. Are these guys your friends or your lovers? They're my friends.

I have a boyfriend apart from them. Okay. Oh, you have a boyfriend apart from them? Yes. Is this guy going to be spending time in the apartment? Yes. I hope so. What, you like him too? He's a cool cat. Who's the boyfriend? It's Jon Hamm from Mad Men. Oh, wow. Yes, exactly. Holy cats. No, his name is Cameron. Okay. Is he an upperclassman? He's currently a high school student. Is he a high school student? He's going to be a freshman. That's none of their business. He's going to be a freshman next year. Wait a minute. So you're

going to be a sophomore or a junior? I'm going to be a junior. You're a rising junior? I am a junior. And he's a rising fresh person, first year? Yes. Well. We've been dating for three years now. Oh my gosh, this is serious. That's how I met my wife. There it is.

But we did not go to college together. And I did not move her into the house I shared with friends. I do not plan on moving him into the house. Let me ask you a delicate question. Okay. I do not plan on moving him into the house. Let me ask you a delicate question. Okay.

Do you foresee circumstances in which this young man will spend the night in a chased pajama party type way, we'll say? We have not discussed that yet, but I'm sure that it could happen. Where is he going to be living officially? Does he have a dorm room or something? Do the fresh people have to live on campus or something? He has to live on campus. And is your boyfriend a deadbeat? No, he's not a deadbeat. Is he going to be the kind of guy who's like, I hear they got an N64 over there and I can spend the night with my girlfriend. I'm going to be over there all the time eating their cereal. No, he's probably going to be the one showing,

he's going to show up Corey on the organ. Oh, really? Yes. What about the rent? What is the rent? The rent is $2.85 a person. Jealous, aren't you? I want to go to New York. How do you apportion the rent? It's not, it's leased out individually. We don't lease the entire apartment. It's like if you sign in with this apartment complex, you are billed individually through them. What kind of crazy talk is this?

It's a college town. They have to do it that way. Oh, I see. Yeah, because they can't trust you three to not – like they need to have equal opportunity to let you deadbeats default. That's right. Judge Hodgman, this is one of those college town situations, from each according to their ability and so on. That's right. This is how President Obama wants the whole country to be. So let me ask you this question.

How much is the rent in the big bedroom versus the two little bedrooms? It can't be equal. It is equal. This whole thing is crazy. It's like an M.C. Escher house designed to drive people mad. Not only do you have one bedroom that is so much better than the other two, but then you're going to charge the same amount and then let children decide how to settle this? That's why we came to you, Judge.

Oh, boy. It's like Battle Royale. That's why we came to you, Judge. Oh, boy. It's like Battle Royale. Also, I think that the closet is something that is very important to me. Right. I have a lot of clothes. Because you have to store your old-timey claviola in there? Or what kind of crazy musical instrument are you bringing in?

I do. I have a lot of clothes, a lot of shoes, and that big closet would really just work for me. Right. Everyone wants a big closet would really just work for me. Right. Everyone wants a big closet. I think that making the argument, this is, you know, you are still essentially adolescents. You have to understand that in the actual world, saying that, well, I think I should get this because it would be great for me is not really a compelling argument. You're right.

I got very excited about those hoop skirts for a second. I thought you were serious. No, I'm not. You're really letting me down. I'm sorry. All right. But can we talk about the image that Tyler Hoover, oh, excuse me, Tyler, sent to you of Corey Ruddell's room? Oh, this is Exhibit C, a picture of Corey's existing room. I did not know this photo was taken.

I did not know this photo was taken. So this is a picture of Corey's room, and I presume it's a picture of Corey's room that was taken from a recent episode of Hoarders. That's about right. Yeah. Where do you live if not in a Hoarders house somewhere for television? What is the situation that's going on here? My room is my own personal domicile. That's not for everybody else. Let me just explain that I see at least two, looks like gallon milk containers empty,

just lying around on a pile of garbage. I see a mound, a mound of, of like comforters and sleeping bags that I think represents in your deranged mind, a bed. I see half of a Rock'em Sock'em Robots set, and what looks to be like a child's guitar depressingly shoved into the corner, and like a crumpled up bottle of Sierra Mist.

This is a pigsty, Corey. Are you sure that this isn't just a picture from the Bin Laden raid? My question to you is that if under unusual circumstances I were to rule in your favor, would you treat the large bedroom as public space or as private space? Would you treat it like your hoarding nest or would you treat it like the futon N64 palace that Tyler is promising to build? Well, if I were awarded the larger bedroom, I would keep it a public space. I'll put my television and set up my Super Nintendo and my Wii down there or up there. Oh, wait, you've got a Wii.

Taking a step into the 21st century. All right, good. Caitlin, do you also offer to keep the larger bedroom as a public space, even though your child groom is going to be spending a lot of time with you? I do. I do. I actually, I have a futon and that's the key, isn't it? My futon smells less than Tyler's. Okay, I think I am getting close to being able to make a decision. Are there any last statements any of you would like to make? Both of those boys are perverts, and I don't want them to see me walking around his house. Whoa, is that true?

Wait a minute. That's a bold thing to say. I'll be honest, John. I have propositioned her many a time. Oh, my gosh. This is going to be a wild year of college guys. And I have two other questions about this thing, but this place before I'm ready to make my decision.

If you're standing in the bedroom and you're standing next to the wall that abuts the stairs, can you look over and look down into the staircase or does that wall go straight up to the ceiling? No. Yes. Okay. And there is no door at the top of the stairs into that bedroom, right? No. So there is compromised privacy, to be sure, right?

Yes. All right. And finally, on the first floor, there's, I see in the living room, there's marked here closet, and inside the closet there is marked very clearly shelf. What are you going to keep on that shelf? That's very exciting. Right now that room is, the closet is underneath the stairs, so it's more of a nook, similar to the one that Harry Potter slept in.

But right now it's being used as a place to keep recyclables. All right. Maybe you could set that up for your child groom. He could live there under the stairs. That'd be great. We'll slip him food under the door. What is this guy's name? Cameron.

What's his last name? No. Cameron. Turgaser. No, no. Turgaser. Uh-huh. Okay.

I'm ready to make my decision. I'll be back in a minute. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Corey, have you ever heard this Big Daddy Kane quote? Put a quarter in your ass, son. You played yourself. Yeah, yeah, I have that. I have. Corey Tyler, do you understand that Caitlin is a lady? Yes, absolutely.

Yes, of course. Do you understand that I'm just judging from this tiny picture that she's a good-looking lady? You know what happens when a good-looking lady lives at your house? Other good-looking ladies come over, right? Right. Do you understand that the most important thing is to keep the good looking lady that lives in your house happy? Oh, yeah. Does that change your perspective on things at all?

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman reenters the courtroom. So this was actually a fairly hard decision to make, and it was one that I thought was going to be pretty easy. It started out very easy. Corey is not getting the room. That's obvious from the start. Here are the reasons why. That was, you know, I could immediately eliminate him because he came out with that ridiculous argument about him being, you know, advanced in his education, but that got, you know, that has nothing to do with anything. And then he suggested that he was going to do some podcasting up there. But everyone knows, if you want to do a podcast from home,

you actually need a small confined space that you can soundproof properly. Stuff's going to echo up there. Plus, you've got no door to close and you've got no audio isolation. And especially now that I know that you have access to radio facilities where you can do your podcast. I think that that's a better solution than getting a big bedroom. And so I think that's a completely specious and disingenuous argument. The organ sounds fantastic. I really love it. I was surprised, frankly, by how much I enjoyed it. And I enjoyed the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile quite a bit, actually, because it reminds me of a very special time in my life when I used to go out to Los Angeles and be paid to go out there to do acting work. And I used to stay at someone else's expense at the very fancy Chateau Marmont

Hotel, a hotel that is so fancy that it has windows in the bathroom that you can open and you can feel the fresh air coming in off Sunset Boulevard. And one day I was taking a shower with the window open and I was looking down at Sunset Boulevard and there drives by the actual Oscar Mayer Wienermobile that I saw from my shower at the Chateau Marmont. And gentlemen and lady, it does not get better than that in one's life. So it's a very soft spot in my heart. But that is, you are a showman, Corey, and that is a showpiece. That is something that you should have in the common area, the living room.

And the fact is, you guys have a good living room, a good common area to share. So you do not get living room. And the fact is you guys have a good living room, a good common area to share. So you do not get that room. Now it then became down to between Tyler and Caitlin, both of whom made pretty good arguments. And I think Tyler's offer to genuinely make a second living room out of the bedroom seems genuine. And he's got actual musical instruments that don't sound like an organ grinder and, you know, might have had some claim to having more stuff than he could comfortably store in that bedroom. However, it all comes down, frankly, to seniority, real seniority. Anytime, in my experience, I've spoken to a lot of people and I've shared a lot of apartments, and I know a lot of people who've shared a lot of apartments and I know a lot of people who shared a lot of apartments. The person who's in the apartment first gets to pick.

And the reality is Caitlin's already done a year of time in one of those small bedrooms. It's time for her to move up and move on up to that to that big bedroom in the sky so that she can share it with her child groom. Frankly, I was concerned because I thought that maybe they would need some more privacy. But the reality is that if you two guys are unattached, and I presume you both are? We are. Right. So you actually need more privacy than that room is going to afford you because there are going to be shameful things that happen in your life that you do not want people to hear. And you need more seclusion. And Corey, let's face it. I mean, I don't mean to go

back to you. But the way you keep your room is animal like and needs to change in your life. But I don't think you're going to really change it overnight just to move into a bigger bedroom, you need to hide your shame away. So Tyler, Tyler, I don't think it's a good idea for you to have that that big bedroom either. I think you need to have the privacy of the smaller room. And meanwhile, you have Caitlin, who's got a lovely tiny man coming over to hang out. And I don't know what the college kids are doing these days in terms of necking, But I can say that even if it's a completely chaste relationship, that,

that walk-in closet, you could put a little cotton there for him. So I have to say, I mean, it was almost a foregone conclusion. You guys had me second guessing. There was a surprise when that organ came out. I had a second thought,

Tyler, your arguments made a second thought, but it really does come down to Caitlin's already put in time, a year's worth of time in that apartment. And I think she deserves to have that upper bedroom. This is the sound of beat to Keshe throwing a dagger across the room into a Japanese teenager girl's skull. And it is also the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Corey, the moment you saw that photograph of your room, you had to know that this was a lost cause. I have not yet seen that photograph of the room.

I'm not exactly sure when this was taken. I don't remember this happening. Corey, you know exactly what your room looks like. You don't need to see the picture. I do know what my room looks like, yes. Corey, you're lucky that that photograph was taken without a warrant because that's the only thing standing between you and criminal prosecution. Tyler? Yes. How do you feel about this? Did you feel like you had a good shot here? Obviously, I knew Corey had no chance and that made me feel a

little more comfortable. You know, I thought it comfortable. I knew Caitlin had a really good claim since she has already been there a year. Caitlin, you could have just put your stuff in there, right? Yeah, I can put my stuff in there right now, actually. I can just walk up there. It's very nice of you not to. You sound nice. I think that the boys will enjoy living with me. I think they'll find that I It's very nice of you not to. You sound nice. I think that the boys will enjoy living with me. I think they'll find

that I'm a very nice roommate. She's a very nice person. As long as they don't try to attack me in my sleep. Yeah, well, I was just going to say, I think you should invest in some man traps. I should. Or hundreds and hundreds of mousetraps.

Caitlin, Corey, Tyler, thank you for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you very much for having us. We're in the chambers of Judge John Hodgman. And, you know, I got the big chambers this year. I got the big chambers with the window seat because Judge Dredd vacated. Judge Dredd graduated, so I got the big chambers.

We have a few cases on the docket if you'd like to clear them out. Let's clear them. Let's clear them for heaven's sake. Okay, the first one comes from Lindsay, who first wants to clarify that you have full judicial powers in Canada. Of course I do.

Don't be ridiculous, Lindsay. Right. She writes, My parents and my brother Jared helped me move into my current apartment, which has three narrow doorways to get into the living room. We were moving in a huge, heavy, bulky, fold-out couch and we barely got it through the first doorway. My parents and I began debating whether we should keep moving it in or take it back out to the curb

and throw it out. Meanwhile, Jared got it through the two other narrow doorways on his own, which took half an hour or 45 minutes. Presumably they were arguing about this for 45 minutes. Now I have this couch in my living room, and I think it's Jared's responsibility to get it back out. He says he was being nice to move it in in the first place, and while he might be around to help me move, no guarantees. I need you to get my brother to guarantee that he will get this couch out of my living room when the time comes. I shall not guarantee that. I shall not force anyone to guarantee that. Jared was doing a nice thing. He was acting upon what was clearly

your advertised wishes because you started moving the couch into the apartment. He could only have presumed, as any rational person would, that you wanted it all the way in. And he did that for you. I will not punish him because you changed your mind while arguing with your parents about this couch. I'm sure this couch is ugly and awful. It's a fold-out couch. And when the time comes to get rid of it, guess what? You have your own apartment. You're a grown-up.

Deal with it. Here's one from Austin. But, Lindsay, can I just say to Lindsay? Sure. I love you. Here's one from Austin. My wife and I have had an argument on and off the past 10 years as we've been married. The problem arises when we have a disagreement to which no resolution can be found.

During my childhood, I would often argue with my siblings, and when no agreement could be reached, we would agree to disagree. However, my wife does not believe that an argument should be left at agreeing to disagree, and that truth is an absolute and all arguments are, in the end, black or white. Can an argument end at agreeing to disagree, or should every argument have a clear resolution? You cannot agree to disagree on matters of clear fact, such as it is 5 p.m., or we are arguing now, or we exist in reality. But on any other subject, you can agree to disagree, and you often have to, in order to live with another person. And you often have to in order to live with another person.

And I am sorry that unless we are talking about something along the lines of the sun is warm or the earth is round, Austin's wife must accept agreeing to disagree for the sake of peace. It doesn't mean that you're giving up your position. What it means is you quietly seethe and know that the other person is wrong. And there's a certain pleasure in that that she should enjoy taking. You know a technique I use with my wife? No. I'm never wrong. No one ever is.

Here's one from Seth. He writes, But I assure you it is quite pertinent. I've been arguing with folks recently about the age-old question, Marianne or Ginger? First of all, I believe that Mrs. Howell needs to be thrown into the mix also. But anyway, I'll now state my question as concisely as possible. Here it is. possible. Here it is. Of the female characters marooned on Gilligan's Island, which would make the most viable long-term mate? You need to apologize to me not because it is a trivial

question, but because it is not at all a trivial question. It is a huge question, and you are essentially asking me to look at the grand masculine Rorschach test that is Gilligan's Island and say, here is what all men should want. I refuse to do it. This triptych was set up in a specific way, such that each person would, each female on the island would appeal to certain aspects of the male personality. Marianne represents, obviously, stability and down-home companionship. Ginger represents, obviously, glamour and the attraction of status of a movie star.

And Mrs. Howell, obviously, represents marrying an older widow and getting money out of it as quickly as possible. All things that men want. You know, I'll be perfectly honest with you. When it comes down to it, I always thought Ginger was a lot smarter than she got credit for. And I think Marianne lorded it over her a little bit.

And Mrs. Howell, that's a woman in love. I wouldn't break up a beautiful marriage like that. So I go with Ginger. That's it for the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. That is all. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited

by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego. You can find it in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgmanatmaximumfund.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.