Judge John Hodgman - The Best of Weird Dads

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

This week on the podcast, we are taking a trip down memory lane. That’s right, it’s a clip show! We thought it would be a great time to revisit some of our favorite Weird Dads. You won’t want to miss this charming episode full of corny jokes, specific systems, and odd habits. If you want to listen to full length versions of these Weird Dad episodes here they are:Episode 32: The Cow BeefEpisode 244: Commedia della MorteEpisode 265: Dad NauseumEpisode 144: Father Gnaws BeastEpisode 394: Juris-diction“Portrait of the Artist as a Weird Dad" from Episode 245: Live at SF Sketchfest 2016

welcome to the judge john hodgman podcast it's me your judge john hodgman father's day is just around the corner if you're in the united states uh or in the uk uh if you're in switzerland or lithuania it happened a long time ago who tonga that was may 17th for you third Sunday in June in most of these countries Malaysia, Maldives, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Namibia Netherlands, Nigeria St. Vincent and the Grenadines United States, United Kingdom that's a whole big one

but guess what if you're in Nicaragua or Poland you've got a couple extra days of gift shopping time and whoo if you're in Luxembourg, you don't have to get something for your dad until the first Sunday in October. Thailand, it's December 5th. Anyway, it's Father's Day coming up. And it got us thinking about some of our favorite Weird Dad episodes. If you're new to the podcast, welcome. You may not know that the court of Judge John Hodgman has long been a magnet for disputes,

usually surrounding and or involving dads of a certain age with quirky habits and systems. We call them weird dads. I've been weird dadding out myself lately as we've all been home together, wearing a lot of track pants and making my kids watch a lot of movies and telling a lot of corny jokes. This week, we are taking a journey through the court archives to bring you some of our top weirds. We're going to start with an old one, all the way back from episode 32, the cow beef. In this one, Ted complains that his father, Paul, is obsessed with cows. I'll confess, this is a peek behind the podcast curtain.

I'm reading this, right? I'm not just saying this off the top of my head. I can't remember that this is episode 32 unless it's written down for me. And now that I'm reading it, I can't believe what I'm reading because I'm remembering it. It's such an incredible, such an incredible weird dad. Not only does Paul have a massive cow collection, he also says the word cow randomly. You have to hear it to believe it. Ted wants Paul to tone down the cow talk. You know, I was going to make myself a cup of coffee, but I'm actually going to hang around

and listen with you to that case now. Let's take a listen. Why do you worship cows and defend cows against the whole world, even your mean son? Because cows are our most important animal friends. Left to their own devices, cows would lead a Zen-like existence, content to search for enlightenment, nirvana, and large fields of tender young grass. We should emulate

the cows in this busy world that we're in. We could learn a great deal from their calm acceptance of fate, such as it is. How do you react to your son's description of your interest in calves as an obsession and possibly psychological disorder? Well, upon occasion it's necessary to say cow rather than mantra, which indicates that I am going through a recentering moment when I've reached the end of one thought and moving on into another one. You realize, of course, that the universal OM is simply move spelled backwards. How often do you say cow during the day in order to re-center yourself?

It's not countable. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'll have order, thank you. This is your father's chance. I don't know. I suppose a half dozen times, maybe more. Excuse me. I will have order. My wife says that I simply shout cow upon occasion when I'm looking for attention. Now, do you say cow? Do you intone cow? Do you chant cow, or do you shout cow?

No, I just simply say cow. Cow? Cow. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I've got to object. All right. I'll hear it. He actually does say it more than half a dozen times a day.

What would be your guess of how many times he says it? 30 to 40. 30 to 40. Stop. Stop talking. Paul, that's a big discrepancy, which is true. I can't imagine that I say it that many times. Cow. Cow. That was me. That was me.

Don't be blaming your father for that. I like. OK, good. OK, I might give him a little edge on that and say maybe 10 to 15 times a day. OK, Ted, stop. Stop laughing and making sad trombone sounds. All right, you know what? Here's what's going to be useful to me. Let's take a moment to do a little bit of role-playing, so I can get a sense of what's going on in Ted's mind when you're having one of these phone calls. Let's say, for example, Paul, if you'll indulge me, you pretend to be your son, Ted,

calling your father to ask for money or whatever it is he does. Ted calling to okay calling your father to ask for money or whatever it is he does and Ted you pretend to be your father Paul and you uh give us a sense of what it feels like to you to talk to Paul on the phone all right are you ready I'm gonna make a telephone noise I'm gonna make a telephone noise until Ted initiates the conversation by picking up. So hang on. The real Ted pretending to be Paul. Not yet. We're going to do three. Hi, Ted. Now go.

Hi, Ted. How are you? I'm fine. Well, I'm fine, too. I saw a cow today. You saw a cow? Yes, I did. Where did you see a cow?

You were in downtown Atlanta. I was watching television, and I saw a cow, and it was really neat, and it had horns and hooves and all sorts of other things. Were you watching a movie like, say, Silverado? It was on an ad. Oh, okay. Was it the California Cows? It was on an ad. Oh, okay. Was it the California cows? It was the California cows. They are happy cows.

Happy cows give us the best dairy products. Did you vote for your favorite California cow? Are you sure you're playing me? Yeah, I don't think, Paul, I don't think you're playing your son. And Ted, you never said cow once, and by my reckoning, you should have already said it eight times if your math was correct. I actually said cow twice. It was a delightful conversation to overhear, I have to say, but it did neither of your arguments a particularly good amount of support.

Ted, you didn't say cow as a recentering device or as an ohm-like chant at all. And Paul, you just marched right in. You could not help yourself but start talking about cows again. All right. Paul, did you do some great injustice to cows that you now feel you must make some karmic restitution by being their champion in the world? No, no. This is simply a realization that cows have been extremely important to the rise of civilization, and of course to our country. It is, after all, cows that won the West. Go on.

That's not a statement you just drop into conversation without having a follow-up, or indeed giving me a look demanding a follow-up question. But sir, I believe it was cowboys who won the West. Not at all. The cows simply took them along for protection. Wild animals, perhaps, because some wild animals do indeed want to prey on cows. Sure. Man, for example. Yes. But the cows moved westward to find greener pastures, if you will. One of the problems the cowboys had, of course, was that the cows might stampede.

Cows love to swim. And after a hard day of marching across the prairie, if they smelled water, they would immediately want to run for it, shouting to each other, Last one ends an old cow's tail. And in a way, they would go, and the cowboys would have to dissuade them from stampeding toward the nearest water. Are you saying that cows in the Old West could speak English? Cows speak to us all the time. Oh, this is getting very heavy. Judge Hodgman, I have important news.

Yes, go ahead. I've just received an email communique from Judge John Hodgman producer Julia Smith. Yes. It features an attachment with a photograph of an elderly madman. That I can only presume is Paul. Oh, yeah. He's dressed in a cow suit with cow udders on his man junk. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. A pail of milk with cow gloves. Order. Order. Ted? Yes, sir. You're the...

Is that you cackling in the background? I can't help it. I'm sorry. You're off. You will help it. You will help it. I will not have a son laughing at his father in my courtroom. That is not acceptable to me. Who sent this photograph?

I did. Very good. Paul, is this you in this cow outfit? Yes, it is. Have you seen the picture? I am looking at it now. Okay. You see, I have my milk pail there. I'm ready to dispense milk chocolate to the Halloween trick-or-treaters. What kind of sick cow wears tiny cows on his cow hand? I was simply holding the cows. The cow in my right hand is actually a hand puppet that Ted gave me. The cows are named Dexter and Gordon. After the great jazz sexophonist? Well, yes, but there's also a breed of cattle known as the Dexter. These are miniature

cows, essentially from Ireland, and they can be kept as house pets. However, living in suburban Atlanta, we are rather restricted on the kinds of pets we can keep. So wait a minute. See, this is the reason why I didn't want Ted cackling in the background, because I need to hear every word. I want to hear more about that. Oh, well, the Dexter is a particular breed. There's a similar breed from Australia, which I believe are called the low-lying Angus cattle. Low-lying? Are they like the corgis of cows?

Do they have little tiny legs? Yes, they have short legs and smaller bodies. And they're bred especially for meat in particular, I think. I don't think you want to milk them. But you keep them in the house? Like, will they curl up on the hook rug? I don't know. They may come into your house and sleep at the foot of your bed. You know, in Hindu tradition, you would not move into a home until you had allowed a cow to walk through it. Unfortunately, I have stairs in my house, and the cows are not too good at

stairs. They're fine going up, but they have a terrible time going back down again. But maybe you get one of these little Dexter cows and you walk them through one time. It would be a grand thing to do, but I don't have access to a Dexter cow at the moment. So I simply named one of my favorite cows Dexter. Cow. Cow. Cow. People, people, random people have, now I remember that random people often come up to me on the street

and just whisper in my ear, cow. All right, let's move on. Many, many more weirds to come. In episode 244, Comedia della Morte, we spoke with Joseph, who would like a ma- Jennifer Marmer is our incredible producer. I want to thank her again for thinking of doing this episode, this clip show of Weird Dads, because it's so glorious. And for putting all these words back in front of my eyes,

putting all these memories back in front of my brains. Joseph wants a mime to perform at his funeral. His son, Jesse, is opposed to this idea. Let's go back in time and hear exactly what Joseph has in mind when he says he wants a mime to perform at his funeral. His son, Jesse, is opposed to this idea. Let's go back in time and hear exactly what Joseph has in mind when he says he wants a mime to perform at his funeral. If you're a good parent and your children love you, the last thing you do to them is make them cry. So I thought, I certainly want my children to cry, but after they cry, I want them to laugh. appear unexplained, unintroduced, just appearing in his white mime makeup with a little tear painted under his eye and the striped shirt and just come in and do mimey things, eavesdrop

on conversations, be trapped in a box, as I will be trapped in a box and so forth. It's a metaphor for you, your inability to escape death. Okay. All right. I was an English teacher. I'll grant that. Unlike the one time I took a Shakespeare course with the great Shakespeare scholar and literary critic Harold Bloom at Yale University, and I only took one semester of it, and I only said one comment. It was some totally banal interpretation of Macbeth or something, where every other teacher in the world would say,

all right, that's an interesting idea. Let's explore this a little further. Harold Bloom said, oh, no, my dear, you're wrong. That interpretation is incorrect and moved on to a smarter student. But thank you for thank you for thank you for yesing me along. Unlike the cruel Harold Bloom with my with my use of meme as metaphor for death, because the thing about mime is that unlike a clown or a stand-up comedian or frankly semaphore they're not designed to be hilarious they're designed to be uh provocative of contemplation and and uh weirdness and silence you know what i mean

yes does that play into your thinking or you just wanted something weird to happen i just wanted something weird to happen yeah I don't think you thought it through. Right. I don't know. I don't know whether you thought this all the way through then, because a good a good meme has never made anyone laugh. And arguably, neither has a bad meme. And by a meme, by the the way for you listening along at home i'm not obviously talking about m-e-m-e from the internet i'm talking about the french pronunciation of mime which is me it's one of my many dumb affectations where in the course of the ceremony first of all what what what kind of funeral service do you anticipate having

a religious service a graveside service non-religious what what do you anticipate having? A religious service, a graveside service, non-religious? What do you anticipate? Well, I will be cremated. However, it's traditional to have a wake. It used to be a three-day wake. I'd settle for one day. Jesse, I love you dearly, Jesse. Jesse is very serious, but he also has my sense of humor, which is very interesting. He said that I'm making a joke about life. I'm really making a joke about death. Being dead sucks. I'm not looking forward to it.

Objection, Your Honor. Hearsay. Overruled. Thank you, Judge. You know, I'm already allowing a million objections in my own mind because I asked Joseph a specific question and he's starting to go off on how death sucks. And I'll let him, out of deference for fatherly wisdom, age, and courtesy to those who are closer to death than I. Please go on, sir.

You were saying being dead sucks. Well, Jesse envisions this as being an ongoing thing with a mind appearing for two days, three days, hanging out with the family and stuff. I'm thinking more along the lines of everyone is there, they all talk, and in out of nowhere comes this mime and just passes through the crowd, you know, and just sheds tears and is trapped in a box and walks against the wind and pulls the rope and then breezes through the crowd again and disappears.

rope and then breezes through the crowd again and disappears how long do you anticipate the mime act what in the in the course of the day the day long a day-long observation of morning you there will be you're going to be cremated but will your urn be in the room oh this will be this will be before I'm cremated. I want to be there to see this. Oh, I see. I don't think that's an option. Can I just clarify a couple of things? When you're talking about a three-day wake, is it? Oh, no, no, no, no. That was traditional. I'm talking about a one-day wake.

In what tradition are we talking here? In my old Italian family background tradition, it was, you know, usually it was a two-day, sometimes three-day. It's been scaled down. Give me a timeline. First of all, you pass away painlessly in your sleep. And then, you know, usually the viewing is from 2 o'clock, from 2 to 4, and then from 7 until 9. And let's say, not in the matinee performance, but in the evening performance, the 7 to 9, the mime would appear. I would say the whole thing would probably take 15 minutes, 20 minutes and be gone. And then 10 years

later, people would say, remember that wake we went to? I don't remember who it was, but it was a mime. It was a mime at that wake. And this is what I want to leave people with. Jesse, 15 minutes of mime in a two hour viewing period is not acceptable. That's that is less than I thought it was going to be. To be honest with you, Judge, until a few months ago, I was really hoping and thought that this was just a long time, a long time joke that my father was telling because he's been saying this to his family for years. And it wasn't until I called my older sister and said, so how about this mime? Is this for real? And she said yes.

And she has documents from my father requesting with the directions to hire a mime after his death. And he has provided a CD with a soundtrack and everything. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What soundtrack? I put together a last list, which was music that I wanted played. And on it is Warren Zebon's Lawyer's Guns and Money, Desperado, Who Knows Where the Time Goes. We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel. By the way, Billy Joel is a graduate of Hicksville High School.

Yes. Why do you think I made that joke? I don't know. Okay. I just made that. I didn't know that. That's good to know. Good to know.

Yeah. So I've carefully gone through this. Again, it's a mixture of sad and funny songs. And I thought it would be in keeping with my personality. Joseph, let me ask you a question here. You keep saying that you want to leave people laughing. You want to leave people laughing. You want to leave people laughing.

And I think that there's a lot of merit to that. But is the joke here, like, look at this this goof he got a mime the worst thing right or or is it that you actually have a love for the art of mime do you have a relationship with the art of mime that is meaningful to you well i wouldn't say it's a love with the relationship with the art of mime. I just think a mime is so contrary to the event, the funeral, the wake, that you have to see the absurdity, the humor, the, my God, what is it? He had a mime at the wake.

When people talk about it, and I hope they will, they'll say, wow, that was really unique. I have a friend who plans to give out little keepsake keychains with his ashes in them. I thought, what a great idea that is. I thought, what a great idea that is. My ex wants her ashes to be compressed into jewelry that our daughter and son will wear. I mean, that's her plan. I don't think a mine is that far out of the ballpark here. Are you trying to keep up with the Joneses?

Oh, no, no, no no my friend's putting his ashes in in some snow globes and giving them away why can't i have a mime a mime my friend is getting his ashes put into an above ground pool but i'm getting mine put into an in-ground pool you have been planning this for some time and some evidence was submitted to me first of all of a photoshop of i guess you or some person representing you in a casket with a big white beard and a giant beer belly uh and standing next to you in is a traditional mime in a striped shirt sort of doing jazz hands in front of your face. And we're going to put this on the website, obviously.

Please go to MaximumFun.org and check it out. And you can see Joseph's vision. You made this Photoshop collage yourself, sir. Is that correct? Actually, my face in the beard, that was part of a Christmas card. And what i did was i took that top part with my face in there and i put it in the in the coffin and then i took the lime uh from a an ad i don't remember what it was i can tell you exactly what it was it was for state farm insurance because

there are a couple of there are a couple of awnings in the background of this photo i just noticed that the state farm logo and name on there you're secretly an agent for state farm don't deny it sir do do the jingle like a good neighbor state farm is mime all right so anyway people can go look at that crypto advertisement on the website but also provided to me was a poem that you wrote, Joseph, about this very subject. Do you have this poem in front of you? No, I don't. I have it up, Judge. Would you read it for me, please, Jesse?

In the world without me, the sun still rises and shines. The moon paces through its phases, shows up sometime, confused in the daytime, but mostly at night. The stars remain obscured by New York City light. My adult children wake and sleep and work and maybe feel me there and gone and cry or laugh or both. My friends who haven't left the world before me might remember that wake of mine with a mime, that wake with a mime, unexplained, walking against the wind, trapped in a box, engaged in a tug of war, listening to conversations. If my adult children followed my last wishes and didn't just yes me to death and after decide what's best, my adult children, embarrassed sometimes, who made excuses for me frequently, indulged me

often, accepted me flawed mostly, and gave my silly life meaning always. Do you remember writing that, sir? I do. That's a very good poem. This is my father. I'm in in tears i'm in tears here wow oh uh sorry for the dead air there i was just thinking about how how a mime podcast is not possible right ever think about that no if you're a mime and you can't perform in theaters right now, you can't do what every other comedian is doing and start a podcast. You can't do it. There's no mime podcasting. All right, let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll hear about a classic weird dad archetype, the dad joker. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks.

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made in save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th visit made in cookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I remember the day that we recorded this one. This is an incredible one. It's about dad jokes. And I've told this story often.

Perhaps you've heard it before. Perhaps I even told it on this episode of the podcast. I don't remember. I've been doing the podcast for 10 glorious years and I'm getting weirder and older and I remember less and less, but I do remember the day that I went into grumpy coffee on seventh Avenue and I did the holy inexcusable thing of commenting upon the barista's appearance. In this case, it was a young woman. Look, this is what this one's about, right? No one in service industry needs to hear your, even your compliments, nevermind neutral comments.

But she was wearing overalls. And I swear to you, what I believed to be the funniest joke of all time materialized in my mind such that I, a weird dad, could not help but tell it. And I said, I believe you deserve an award in the category of overall excellence. And she did not laugh. And she said to me, nice dad joke. And that is how I died. I'm speaking to you now from the grave.

Dad jokes. Episode 265. Dad nauseam. Dad Kevin tells the same joke to service industry employees wherever he goes. His son Daniel wants him to stop. Let's listen to that joke now. So what he'll do is, regardless of where he is, the first thing he'll say to whoever's serving him is, I'll have the Kung Pao chicken. Now, this could be at a toll booth or, you know, the movie theater.

But you know what? It's getting really old, and not just me. Lots of people have gotten a little bit tired of it. Kevin, do you really go to toll booths and say, I'll have the Kung Pao chicken? Yeah, that's one of my favorite. Recently went to a theme park, and as I pulled up to the booth and saw the exorbitant amount being charged,

I looked at him and I said, hmm, I'll have the Kung Pao chicken. And I always get a hearty laugh, and it doesn't get me in the parking free, but it gets a laugh. You always get, 100% of the time, get a hearty laugh, especially from the people who are imprisoned in booths. I mean, a literal captive audience of one. When you say a hearty laugh, are you referring to the laugh that you laugh after you say it? Yeah, good point. I hadn't thought of that. The joy of the Kung Pao line is it's the absolute opposite of what you would typically say. And it sounds delightful, doesn't it? Kung Pao. I mean, it just

is. I don't know how my family isn't delighted by it and delighted to see the response out of those who are hearing it. You did not answer my bailiff's question. Are you the one laughing or the person who is trapped in a booth forced to deal with you laughing? I think I will laugh if the recipient laughs. Not 100% of the time. So basically you're saying you don't notice what they're doing at all oh i did i do okay uh daniel your father has claimed 100 enjoyment of this joke time and time again do you dispute that assertion i surely do can you

describe a time when your father has requested the kung Pao chicken and it did not bring joy to the person who was attempting to take his toll or give him a parking ticket? If I'm going to be generous, from what I've seen, I'll give him a 50-50 of, you know, the person maybe just smiling or the person just saying, wow, really? Oh, man. I think he has selective memory. I think he remembers maybe the one person who actually laughed out loud, and he paced that over every following encounter. It's interesting. So you are counter-asserting a 0% to 1% hardy laugh rate compared to his 100%. And the truth has to be somewhere in the middle.

Yeah, hardy laugh is a strong term. I mean, I'm thinking of a belly laugh. Like your dad's enjoying right now. Kevin, you have an infectious laugh. I also have to say that when you delivered the line in your dramatic recreation of your parking lot experience, I kind of chuckled. It was a pretty good delivery. You've got to. To be alive, you have to chuckle. Well, I... It needs to be so off the wall that it breaks the arduous tasks that the food provider or the toll booth operator is experiencing. Oh, so you're doing it as a favor to them?

Kind of. Kind of. Okay. Kind of. Kind of. Okay. You're like a Johnny Appleseed traveling the nation, sowing mirth in our toll booths by tossing bon mots their way.

His folkloric name would not be Johnny Appleseed. It would be Kung Pao Kevin. I like that. I was taking my daughter back to college one night, and we decided to get yogurt. And so we're in this long line and the gal was just exhausted and just hating life so I get up there look at the board and said hmm I'll have the Kung Pao chicken and I tell you she laughed and is still probably laughing to this day and she's still probably laughing to this day she She's still probably laughing to this day?

She said, thank you for that. You're saying that you broke her brain? All right, I interrupted you, sir. Go ahead. She said, thank you for that. She said, thank you for that. That made my day. And I said, well, you're welcome. And my daughter, who would be a plaintiff if she was here, I said, said, Rachel, you have to admit she got a kick out of that.

And she said, yeah, Papa. So I think the good overwhelms the bad. Do you acknowledge that there is bad? There can be. I've said it. I can remember saying that three or four straight times and the young food servers just looked at me. I think one looked at me as if I was getting dementia and thought, oh, this poor guy doesn't know where he's at.

So I was really starting to think, well, maybe the family has a point. But then I laid it on someone, and the hearty laugh pursued, and it was like my meter was recharged. And it's back. You got your Kung Pao groove back? I can't tell you how much positive energy I've received from many, many different people wishing me luck in this case. Oh, really? Do you have like a petition that you've had signatures? It might as well be.

You're talking about your brother and your sister, but anyone else? My brother, my sister, co-workers, my stepmom, my, yeah, it goes on and on. Your co-workers? Correct. So I work with Kevin. We work in the mortgage industry, real estate. And no wonder you're such a barrel of laughs. The people we work with have heard the Kung Pao just as often as, I mean, the rest of

us, the family. And what context are they hearing the Kung Pao line? Mostly at our lunch, you know, if we'll go out and grab a bite. All right. So you are mortgage brokers? Correct. Is your mortgage brokery called Kevin and Dan? Kevin and Dan's Mortgage?

No. I wish. That's a good idea. Is it called Father and Son Mortgage? It could be here soon. Is it called Kung Pao? Kung Pao Finance Factory. There we go? Kung Pao Finance Factory. There we go.

Kung Pao Finance Factory. Holy cats. That is a brand I would love to buzz market. I don't think I would trust that outfit. Is it my loan? Are you kidding me, you guys? If I had a choice between, you know, universal mortgage, which is, I think, the place where I got my mortgage, and Kung Pao Finance Factory?

You're going universal. Are you kidding me? I go to KPFF? We can abbreviate it, yeah. What is it that you're ordering me to do exactly? I'm just saying. If you win this case, if I find in your favor, what is my order? I'll let you bring up your other point, but I want to get this out there right now. The most agreeable to me would be an immediate cease and desist on the Kung Pao line.

Oh, man. What bothers you more, the joke being repeated over and over again or the joke existing at all? What bothers me the most is not even that he does the joke over and over again. And he does it when, you know, none of us are around. He'll do it just by himself. when none of us are around. He'll do it just by himself. What bothers me is that he knows that it irks us so much that it causes us such discomfort

that he'll even tell us about the times he used it when we weren't there and the response he got. He reads you his Kung Pao chicken joke diary? Pretty much. Pretty much. He'll come home and say, Oh, you should have been there chicken joke diary? Pretty much. Pretty much. He'll come home and say, oh, you should have been there. I ordered a burrito. I asked for the Kung Pao chicken.

The kid, his face lit up. Oh, you should have been there. It was great. And we're forced to relive this moment over and over, even when we are not there. It's rough. Do you ever suspect that your father is lying? Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

I know that you guys didn't see the snuffleupagus of everybody enjoying my joke. I swear he was right here. It just happened. It might not necessarily have to be characterized as a lie, Judge Hodgman. I mean, it could be that he's seeing the world through laugh-colored glasses. that he's seeing the world through laugh-colored glasses. No, it's not so much that he doesn't... If he gets one good reaction, which he does get, that will last him making 20 other people uncomfortable.

He'll still think it's worth it. He'll go after it. Judge, I have to break it. Please. These numbers being thrown about are completely false. I would say, and I'm not exaggerating, when I go to Starbucks and order a latte, I say it every time. I would say 99% of the people taking that order laugh. And I swear that's true. Is this the same Starbucks every time?

No, it's different Starbucks. You say these numbers are all off. There is no data. Why should I believe you when you say the numbers are all off? If I said this and was getting blank stares, like Daniel says I did, and wasn't getting the response that I say I've been getting I wouldn't do it because like like he said I will do it when no one's around and I do it all the time because I think that person that Starbucks server has never heard that before and they laugh. They think it's clever and then it opens up other dialogue and it's just a delight. And a fear of mine is that your listeners will also use this and it won't be that novel. It's an actual fear. You're afraid you're burning your material? it's an actual fear you're afraid you're burning your material

yeah this is like my baby and I'm afraid that it's gonna be you wouldn't say that your son is your baby first the Kung Pao then me and the other children I'll have the Kung Pao chicken I mean it's just

it's a legendary phrase at this point someone sent me a picture of Kung Pao Chicken. I mean, it's just, it's a legendary phrase at this point. Someone sent me a picture of Kung Pao Chicken on Twitter. And I, and, and probably because my mind is failing it. I think like it took me a day to understand they were making a reference to this case. You gotta, you gotta spell it out a little bit for me. Don't just send me a picture of Kung Pao Chicken. I'll just be looking at delicious Kung Pao Chicken and thinking I want to eat it. All right. Let's get back in the catalog now to the 100s. In episode 144, Father gnaws beast. Sisters Kim and Jen bring the case against their dad, Rick. They're at odds with him

when it comes to ordering food for the whole family because Kim is a vegetarian and Rick loves meat. And when listening to this next bit, it's important, important context to know that Rick's nickname around the house is The Pig. All right, let's listen to Kim and Jen and The Pig pick this bone. Now, Rick. Yes. Are you aware that your daughter Kim is a vegetarian? Oh, yes. Yes.

Are you aware that your daughter Kim is a vegetarian? Oh, yes. She became a vegetarian May 3rd, 1999, a day that lives in infamy. So let's say, hypothetically, let's stick to the Chinese restaurant cuisine. How many entrees would you order? Normally, we'd order four. Do you object, Kim or Jen? Is that about right? Yeah, that is about right.

That's about right. It is so hard for me not to call you Jim and Ken right now. I'm having such a such a difficulty with this. Kim and Jen, that is about right. And what percentage of those do you think should have meat? And what percentage of those do you think should be vegetarian, Rick? Well, I think that Kimberly should certainly have one dish that she can eat. I mean, then I'm not a monster. I will decide that, sir. But

I think we should have, out of four dishes, we should have two or three that are meat, but one of my biggest objections is that Kimberly will order vegetables that I won't eat. Ah. What vegetables will you not eat, sir? Just really nasty ones like broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts.

Green beans. Green beans. Asparagus. Asparagus, artichokes, things like that. What are the vegetables you will eat? Is it just dandelion greens? No, I won't eat those. They're bitter.

Well, I eat normal vegetables, cabbage and any color of pepper, although green is the worst one. Eggplant, zucchini. Squashes. So a lot of squashes. No other squashes. Squash is borderline borderline squash is kind of borderline okay i'm trying to find those sweet potatoes okay i'm trying to find some some method to your madness here mushrooms okay that's a yeah but but what about leafy green vegetables

well those are the kind i don't like the overly green or the really hardcore kind of vegetables. No. Okay. And what about, like, if you go to a steakhouse, will you get creamed spinach? God, no. Okay. Rick, you may leave. I find in Jim and Ken's favor. What? Why not? I find in favor of the scurvy.

Well, I want the record to show that you just have to look at me and see that I'm meant to be carnivorous. I have very pointy canine teeth. I have type O blood, which is the most primitive kind of blood. And I have low cholesterol and I have award-winning triglycerides. My doctor said I have the lowest triglycerides he's ever seen. So your argument essentially is that like a Shiba Inu, you're a primitive breed? Well, I don't know about that, but I think I'm meant to eat meat. I think meat agrees with me.

What is your opposition to broccoli? It's nasty. Try to talk as though you are not talking to yourself for once. Try to talk as though you are trying to explain to another human being how you feel. Well, it's the texture, the flavor,

the appearance. Have you actually ever eaten broccoli? By mistake, once. What year was that? It was sometime in the 70s. So you would be happy just eating meat all the live long day, is that correct? No, that's not really true. I like non-nasty vegetables.

I like potatoes. Can we stop saying non-nasty vegetables? Why don't you just say certain vegetables? We don't have to have a value judgment placed on it. Okay, all right. I'll try. Potatoes and steak yes i love potatoes right tomatoes uh cooked cooked tomatoes in a sauce yes like on a chicken parm

uh yeah yeah sure a tuber and a fruit respectively for those keeping score at home yeah what about legumes how do you feel about legumes? Beans? Oh, I love legumes. I'll eat any bean that exists except green beans, which aren't really beans. They're immature bean pods. And what percentage of your Chinese meal do you think, Kim, should be vegetarian dishes? Well, since my sister— Rick has suggested 25, and then I think because he knows that he's losing this case, he then suggested 50%. Could be something that you could eat. I don't really necessarily believe that he would agree to 50%. And, you know, one problem is that if it was actually, like, even if I just get one dish at a Chinese restaurant,

he wants to refuse to let me get, you know, broccoli with garlic sauce or like green beans, Szechuan string beans or anything that he would consider, you know, a nasty vegetable. A nasty vegetable. Could I enter some evidence in my favor in this case? Go ahead. Part of my objection is that I am the one who often eats the leftovers. So if I don't mind getting vegetarian things things if they're vegetables that I'll eat and the leftovers won't get thrown away. I see.

Because you're a human garbage pail, you get to eat whatever you want. That's my role in the family, among others. What is your favorite meat to eat, sir? Probably beef tongue. You are hardcore, my friend. In fact, Kimberly's dog, Gambit, we bond over meat. Oh, sure.

And once in a while, maybe once a month, we'll have noche de la lengua. Yeah, you both eat pig's ears, for example. I do that, too. Yes. And we'll cook a tongue and eat it together. You and the dog? Yeah. I can't wait to be as weird a dad as you are sir jen you introduced some evidence as well some photos of your dad

also known as pig correct okay so here we have we have a picture here and these will all of course be on the maximumfund.org website the judge john hodgman portion thereof. Here we have evidence marked A, the pig, that's your father, eating a heaping plate of turkey while wearing one of his favorites, a turkey leg T-shirt. In this case, you don't have a chance to look at the website. It's just a T-shirt that says turkey leg on it and has a picture of a turkey leg. This shirt was procured from Disney world where he once bought. All right.

He once brought a clean sock with him. Kim, will you, what, what happened with a sock? Uh, well, so whenever we go to this,

uh, Florida theme park, my, my dad likes to always get the turkey legs and it's like a big thing. Like it's, you know, he talks about it the whole way there and everything. Sure. And so it's the only place in the world you can get them. Right. Of course. Um, and so he's, you know, sniffing around the park all day, trying to find the turkey leg cart and he finally finds it and he sits down and eats part of it. And then he pulls out out of his backpack which he carries around with him all the time um a sock that he had specifically you know laundered and brought with him to

carry his turkey leg around and well there was a plastic bag inside it there was a plastic bag inside the sock you had lined the sock well this was actually a impromptu emergency measure. I bought a turkey leg at the cart and we were going on a ride and I couldn't carry it in openly. I had to conceal it. So I asked them for a doggy bag. They looked like they didn't know what I was talking about. So in an emergency, I found a clean sock and a plastic bag and put the turkey leg in the bag and put the bag in the sock. How in an emergency did you find a clean sock and a plastic bag? In his backpack.

In my backpack. I have lots of things in my backpack. He also keeps emergency iron rations, as he calls them, in his backpack at all times. What is that? Which is just a bag of beef jerky. I see. Rick, what does the term glomming on mean to you? Just, oh, you're probably referring to the pizza ordering.

Yes, that's part of the complaint as well. Well, we go to a pizza restaurant, which I won't name, a locally owned pizza restaurant with some of the best pizza in the world, this being Chicago, of course. I have no idea what you're talking about. Go on. He's talking about some of the best casseroles in the world. Some of the best pizza casseroles, some of the best pizza hot dish in the world. All right, next. You were saying, all right, so you're ordering pizza. So you're ordering pizza. Okay, so we're ordering pizza, and I like to get a steak on the side and just glom on to somebody else's pizza.

But I can't do that if they have ingredients that I won't eat. I won't call them nasty. So, Kim, what does your weird dad mean by glomming on? what is what is he what is your weird dad made by glomming on uh by glomming on he means that he wants to order his own giant plate of steak and potatoes and usually he orders um this really meaty nacho dish at that restaurant as well as an appetizer nacho charlie's dream and then he wants to um what was that little thing you just threw in there sir it's a wonderful dish it's called nacho charlie's dream and what is nacho charlie's dream nacho charlie's dream is uh nachos covered with cheese covered with chili oh actually i think the chili comes first and then the cheese

and then you try to steal some pizza, too? And then he tries to dictate what we get on our pizza. Dictate's a strong word. Dictate is a true word. Veto. Rick, when you choose the meat that you eat, do you pay any mind to where it comes from? Well, I don't really like to think about it too much.

I do have problems with the modern state of animal husbandry, actually. I don't like factory farming, although I think it has brought a lot of cheap food to a lot of people throughout the world and has probably prevented some famine. I have some moral problems with eating meat but you know we're animals too we're clearly intended to eat meat do you ever make any any um choices about where your source you meet based on your dislike of factory farming

uh i think i have to say no okay that's fair just. I was just curious as to what amount of thought you have given to your carnivore. I try very hard not to waste anything. You know, I hardly ever throw anything away. I pride myself at being able to use things that other people might consider spoiled. Learned a lot of tricks, you know, like washing off the surface of meat that is slightly over the hill and, you know, boiling at first and things like that. So, you know, this is, I try not to waste. I really hesitate to comment at all on the relative food safety of spoiled meat that you have washed. Without Alton Brown here to comment. Uh,

so I am just going to tell our listeners that Rick's saying that washing spoiled meat makes it good to eat is, does not necessarily connote approval by this podcast or an instruction to you. I haven't thrown up since Aprilil 15th 1985 well now hang on a second you're not you've brought up dates a couple of times very specific memories from dates and another thing that i wasn't going to bring up but now i feel i must was kim submitted your uh your tumblr as as a point of possible interest.

And this Tumblr, which I don't mind buzz marketing, is this... Okay, thank you. I appreciate it. All right, well, let me do it then. ThisDayInPigHistory.tumblr.com And it's a very minimal Tumblr.

Yesterday's entry was Monday in 1999, Hill cooking chicken. I presume Hill is your wife? Yes. Hillary. Hillary cooking chicken. Jen asks, are you in the shaking or baking stage?

Monday in 1979, New Year's Eve, Hill, Duke, and I seek open restaurant strikeout at Beef Roast Inn and Chicago Claim Company company duke has suggestion go to gulliver's first time it open have pizza and grand slammer how do you account for this perfect recall of these days in history well i also keep a journal i've started keeping a journal on january 1st, 1960. And I, you know, I've kept it pretty regularly ever since. This Tuesday in 1995, Dream Jen has new Mariah Carey album. She plays me three songs, Ring-a-ling, Bun,

and Thomas Jefferson. Let me just, where is the follow button on this? Yes, I'm going to follow this Tumblr right away. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Hey, let's going to follow this Tumblr right away. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Hey, let's take another break. When we return,

Weird Dad Ideas about Language and Ventriloquist Dummies. It's probably the greatest tease in the podcast history. I would come back. I mean, I'm contractually obligated to come back after the break, but you stick around. part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests

as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try.

If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Remember that tease, language, and ventriloquist dummies? Well, we're going to deal with it right now. We're nearing the end of our trip down Weird Dad memory lane. Up next, fan favorite we heard from Melissa and her father Mark in episode 394, Jurisdiction. Melissa says that Mark intentionally mispronounces words and brand names in order to get on her nerves.

Typical Weird Dad trick. Mark says, this is just how I spikes, meaning speaks. What kind of words and brand names, you ask? Let's find out. Melissa, you bring the case against your dad. What's going on? He has his own ways of pronouncing certain words that I believe are just incorrect. I believe are just incorrect. And yet he insists that they are alternate pronunciations. When I just, I don't think they're really alternate pronunciations. I think they're just wrong.

Well, in the case of robot, for example, will you say that word again for me, sir, Mark? Robot. Right. Robot. Robot. Yeah, that is an alternate pronunciation that has been defined by usage, Rod Serling. It is primarily used by podcast half comedians like me and Jesse to be a joke.

I actually don't think he's saying it the same way you're saying it, sir. Are you saying I can't believe my own mechanical ears? I think he's actually saying a different alternate pronunciation that is maybe less well known than the one you are saying. Than the archaic sort of jokey pronunciation that I'm using? Okay. Well, you're seated there with your dad at Argo Studios in New York City, correct? Yes, I am. All right.

Are you within poking distance of him? Could you poke him in the arm? I can poke him in the hand. Okay. I want you to poke your dad. And each time you poke him, I want him to say the word R-O-B-O-T and do that two or three times so I can hear it a couple of times. But you have to poke him to make him do it like he's a robot himself. Okay. Robot. Robot. Robot. Robot. Thank you. I have Ro-butt. Ro-butt.

Thank you. I have my new ringtone. I appreciate that. Okay. There is, you know, I stand corrected as much as I hate to say it, Melissa. That is a slightly different pronunciation than Jesse's and my Ro-butt. That is more like Ro-butt. Ro-butt.

Ro-butt. There's almost a H, robot, robot. There's almost a H on the row even. There's some other words that I have a list of here that Melissa has submitted in her evidence, and I'm going to spell them, and then Melissa, poke your father three times and so you pronounce the word three times. Are you ready, you guys? This is going to be a fun game. Okay.

R-E-F-U-G-E. Refuge. Refuge. Refuge. S-A-L-S-A. Salsa. Salsa. Salsa. P-R-O-G-R-A-M. T-R-O-G-R-A-M. Program. Program. Program. O-U-T-S-I-D-E. Outside.

Outside. Outside. D-A-I-R-Y. Dairy. Dairy. Dairy. Thank you very much. Jesse, I think we have a whole new MaxFun podcast here.

Yeah. Learn to speak bad English. No. Just hypnotize yourself with Melissa's dad. I was really into that. The hairs were starting to rise up on my forearms, or as you would say, sir, forearms, forearms, forearms. Dairy sounded pretty good to me. Melissa, what's your complaint with that last one? D-A-I-R-Y. Instead of dairy he says dairy. It would be spelled D-E-R-R-Y. That sounded pretty good to me. Okay. That complaint is stricken

from the record. But there were some other unusual ones there and you say that he chooses to do this. Mark, is that true? Are you choosing to pronounce these things or were you raised pronouncing these words in this slightly different way? Well, I think I've said them that way my whole life. I don't think I just said one day, let me start changing pronunciations to annoy Melissa. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with annoying Melissa. No, of course. But I didn't set out with that

purpose. So I think these are the ways I say these words. So this is not done intentionally. Melissa, do you believe him? No. Oh, all right. Your dad is a liar. Go ahead. I think he's aware that no one else says words that way, and he still chooses to say them that way anyway, because when I've brought up in the past that I think those are not correct pronunciations, he continues to say them that way. So I think that that is therefore a choice. But is it just pronunciation, or are there other language issues that you have with your dad? So besides some of these words, it's not exactly the same thing, but I feel like the underlying issue is the same. There's a brand of soda. You can say brand names now.

We no longer tie ourselves into knots around that. Okay. One of his favorite sodas to drink is Coke Zero. And he insists on calling it Zero Coke and reversing the order of the words. It was actually named after Zero Mostel. It just drives me bonkers. I mean, because he drinks that a lot and he'll be out and he'll order Zero Coke or he'll say he's going to the fridge to get a zero Coke. And that's just not what it's called. All right. Would you say that the primary thing about it that drives you bonkers is how much more fun your dad is than you? Oh, because zero Coke is a home run. Well, you know what? Harsh but fair. Bailiff Jesse Thorne. I would not say that that has anything to do with who is more fun.

Well, but here is the thing. This is a situation where, unlike the mispronunciation of words, changing the name of a known brand product could cause slight damage in so far as it might confuse service personnel. slight damage in so far as it might confuse service personnel. Sir, why do you call Coke Zero, which is by the way called Coke Zero, Zero Coke? What is your weird dad theory for why you are right and the rest of the world is wrong, including Coca-Cola? Well, actually Coca-Cola would understand that I'm right if they would just ask me about it because they have Diet Coke and they have Cherry Coke and they have Vanilla Coke and they have Zero Coke. It makes total sense. They're the ones who seem to have accidentally mixed that one up. And I'm just trying to set the record straight.

And you sent in some evidence as well, which is a rather lengthy affidavit from your mother, also decrying these pronunciations. It is so long that it feels like she's been waiting decades to write this. So I can't read all of it, but I'll read a little bit. I've been married for 37 years to a wonderful man who annoys me with his incorrect pronunciation. Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about his charming New Orleans accent, which I love also, which I'm not sure exists, and which gets much stronger when we visit that fair city. What annoys me the most is his purposeful changing of either pronunciation or word placement, zero coke instead of coke zero. And I think it's a power and control thing. He

does it because he likes to see people's reactions. Interesting. That's your mother, an assigned affidavit. Is that correct, Melissa? That is correct. Do you agree with her? I do. All right. Mark, can I have you pronounce a phrase for me? Sure. I'll have the Kung Pao chicken. I'll have the Kung Pao chicken.

It does seem to roll right off his tongue, does it not, Jesse? It does seem to roll right off his tongue, does it not, Jesse? It does. Mark, of course, I did not remember that his name was Mark because he is known throughout the land and the history of the court as Zero Coke Guy. Nice to re-meet you, Mark. If you want to hear about a more recent dispute between Melissa and Mark, oh yes, it goes on. Make sure to check out the recent docket clearing episode number 469,

The Sponge Lever's Wife. Also has an incredible song in it. Finally, our last case. This is another fan favorite and for good reason. We met George and his dad Tom at our live show at San Francisco Sketch Fest in episode 245. The case was called Portrait of the Artist as a Weird Dad. Tom leaves strange photos in George's bunk bed while Tom's away at work. He's a flight attendant. And George doesn't

want his dad to leave strange photos in his bunk bed. And by in his bunk bed, I mean you know, like he's on the bottom bunk and he looks up and in the slats there are all these pictures. Well, I'll let the case speak for itself. What is it about these photos that you find disturbing such that you want me to prohibit them from being there? They're just really creepy. Like, for example, there's like overly made up circus clowns.

Sounds beautiful so far. And many, many ventriloquist dummies. Did you say ventriloquist dummies? Did I hear you correctly? Ventriloquist dummies? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the universal symbol of affection. I propose to my wife with a ventriloquist dummy.

Tom, why are you leaving pictures of ventriloquist dummies? Now, let me see if I understand this. These photos are being left, these photos and illustrations and images are being left for you, George. You sleep on the bottom bunk? Yeah, that's correct. Is there anyone in the top bunk, or are you a weird only child like I was, who had a bunk bed just to show off?

I have an older brother. An older brother. Yeah. So you're down there on the bottom bunk, and your dad puts these images on the underside of the top bunk, so you have to stare at them as you fall asleep. Yeah. Okay.

Why are you doing this to your son? Okay. I'm not trying to be weird or different or weirdly different. I'm just like, oh, here's a cool photo. I bet George would like it. Where are you finding all these photos of ventriloquist dummies, sir?

These probably just go to catalogs that you've ordered. One assumes he just goes to paternal affection, paternalaffectionpics.com. Where do you find the images that you want to share with your son? Okay, that's an excellent question.

The only kind I ask. These are images that I just happened to encounter for whatever reason and I'm like, ooh, that's cool. Yeah, that's what you just said. I asked a specific, and I dare like, ooh, that's cool. Yeah, that's what you just said. I asked a specific, and I dare say, excellent question. Where are you sourcing these images?

On the internet? Stand by. I'll allow it. Standing by. Okay. I work for an airline as a flight attendant, and sometimes I'm gone for a long time.

Sometimes these flights are very long. Go to Australia, it's about a 14-hour flight longer. I read a lot of newspapers, and I'm like, ooh, that's kind of cool, and I might clip that out. I have a lot of newspapers and I'm like, ooh, that's kind of cool and I might clip that out. I have a whole binder here full of photos. Oh, don't think I haven't clocked the binder you're holding.

And it's not just overly made up clowns. Or ventriloquist dummies. But, wait till you see these dummies. Good night. I feel like I could walk out of that stage door into the wilderness and never be seen again

knowing that my great contribution to culture was facilitating you saying, but wait till you see these dummies. One of my most favorite moments of reality. And the fact is, sir, we don't have to wait any longer because evidence was submitted, which we are going to put up on this screen.

These are all images that you have placed in George's bed. First image, please. Tom, obviously we're recording this for podcast purposes, so Tom, either you or I are going to have to describe for the listener what we're looking at. Your Honor, I think the issue here is how do I view it versus how does my son view it?

Can we just say for the record what it is? Because I'm looking at it and even I'm not sure. Your Honor, it is a helmeted hornbill. A helmeted hornbill. Yes. And this is a- That's science for nightmare bird. And this is a photo of an actual animal,

not a monstrous puppet. Yeah. I'm sorry. This would be a great ventriloquist dummy, by the way. I am sorry if nature's glory offends you. It does not offend me. It does not. you. It does not offend me. It does not...

Why did you choose this to show to your son directly before he falls asleep? Stand by. Stand by. That's another excellent question. It's kind of my thing.

This animal, as you can see from its helmeted hornbill, is unfortunately hunted for its bill, and it's actually more precious, more valuable than ivory, and it's becoming on the brink of extinction. It's indigenous to Malaysia and Borneo, I believe. So, of course, it's bizarre, and I thought, well, let me put that up there. And then... Stand by. Instead of him, my ideal is instead of him coming and saying, as he always does, what is this?

Don't put this in my bed. I would prefer that he would say, oh, wow. Dad, tell me more about this curious bird. Let's go to the next image. Now, for the viewer at home, for the listener at home, for the listener at home, this is a photo, it looks like from the late 60s, early 70s,

of a man with a unibrow and a very short bow tie smoking a cigarette in front of a Christmas tree. Is this a relative of some kind? That is a Greek tailor. For those listening at home, we did not edit anything out.

The silence that you heard after that is a Greek tailor full stop was intentional. Apparently, Tom believes that's the only context I need. George, did you know this was a Greek tailor when you saw it in your bed?

Nope. What was the Greek tailor? It's kind of a long story, but it doesn't have to be. Once upon a time in Greece there was a boy whose father was a tailor. You ask

where do you get these images from? Sometimes magazines, newspapers. Sometimes from the internet. Now, I used to live in a town, and I knew this guy. He was a Greek tailor. Is that a picture

of him? That is a picture of him. Oh, okay. Phew. Anyhow, somehow, I looked him up, and there was a whole photo album of his photos, and I went

back and back and back and I'm like wow this guy is like the quintessential 1974 Greek tailor at Christmas time thank you that old stereotype

Judge Hodgman I think that more than anything else this speaks to the deficiencies of the common core. They're like, when are children learning about prototypical Greek tailors? You know what, Jesse? Your tie is shorter than a Greek tailor Christmas tie. Sorry, sorry.

I simply don't understand the say anymore. Yeah. All right, next image. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Tom. This image to me looks like me on my birthday. What's up? A hairless rodent of some kind. I don't know if it's a,

it's not a naked mole rat, is it? I think that's what it is, yes. Yeah, okay. It's reclining on what looks like a little naked mole rat sized armchair in a rec room. And it's covered by an Afghan. He's got kind of a self-satisfied grin.

Yeah, I mean, Judge Hodgman, I think it's fair to characterize this naked mole rat as cheesing. Your boy's definitely cheesing. The thought behind this one, Tom? Just looks cool. Yeah! Do we have any more? Do we have any more? That is so metal.

Yeah. So this is an image of... It looks like some kind of figurine of a small Asian... Well, I want to say boy, but he's smoking a cigarette. It looks like a Jeff Koontz sculpture

of Kim Jong-un. Yeah. And also a post-it message from father to son saying, George, you look good. You do look good, George. You do look good, George. You do look good, George. Thank you.

Yeah. But don't smoke. So anything you want to say about this one, Tom? Yeah, two things. Yeah, sure. I believe this is a piece of artwork from Taiwan. And sometimes I just like to stuff beans up George's nose, and that's what this is.

Like, hey, check it out. It's a classic example of him stuffing beans up George's nose, and that's what this is. Like, hey, check it out. It's a classic example of him stuffing beans up George's nose. So you're just teasing your son with his mom. No, stuffing beans up his nose, Judge Hodman. Are you even listening? I understand weird dad talk, as do you, but I'm trying to explain for a listener at home who may not understand what stuff beans up your nose means.

Did you have any thoughts about this one, George? When you saw this, did you feel like you got your nose bean stuffed? No, I didn't think my nose was stuffed with beans. I just saw a picture of a shiny boy and a note that says, you look good. And I do not appreciate that. Would you prefer there to be nothing there? Maybe like a poster of my choice of something I like. Like what?

What do you like? The Golden State Warriors. Yeah, that's what's up. John, does it terrify you to imagine that your son might look at a sports poster instead of a poster of obscure ventriloquist dummies and clowns?

That does not terrify me. He has a lot of Golden State Warriors paraphernalia all over his wall. The other walls and the door, that's cool. So let's just leave that space above the bunk bed for me. I totally remember that night. I totally remember talking with Tom

after backstage at Marines Memorial Theater about his leaving those pictures for his son while he was flying all around the world. That was back when we did that kind of thing. I totally felt for him. I also really, I really plugged him for a lot of information about what it's like to be a flight attendant because I find that fascinating. Tom, if you're out there, I hope you're flying safe if you're flying at all. If you've got some time on your hands, let me know how it's been going. Flight attendants, love them. All right, that's it for our Weird Dad Retrospective. Our

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