Judge John Hodgman - The Birthday Suit

Episode Date: April 3, 2013

Aldo brings the case against his partner Sean. They decided to plan trips for each other's birthdays, but make each destination a surprise. But the secrecy is making Aldo anxious, and now he wants to know where they're going! Should Sean reveal their itinerary, or must Aldo wait for his birthday surprise? This week, with Bailiff Jesse Thorn and Monte Belmonte!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the birthday suit. Aldo brings the case against his partner, Sean. They decided to plan trips for each other's birthdays, but make each destination a surprise. The secrecy is making Aldo anxious, and now he wants to know where they're going. Should Sean reveal their itinerary, or must Aldo wait for his birthday surprise? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman, the courtroom. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Jesse, swear I'm in. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he has decreed that in his enormous estate, all employees will consider all days to be his birthday? Absolutely. Yes.

Very well, Judge Hodgman. Happy birthday, Sean. Happy birthday, Aldo. Well, thank you, Judge. Thank you. And what do you say to me? Every day is happy birthday. Happy birthday to you, too. Happy birthday, Bailiff Jesse. Happy birthday, guest producer Monty Belmonte here in the studios of WRSI in Northampton, Massachusetts. Happy birthday to you, Judge John Hodgman. Thank you so much.

For an immediate summary judgment in your favor, Aldo or Sean, can you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom? That would have been the happy birthday song. I say Mary had a little lamb. And to my great relief, you are wrong. That was Happy Birthday to You sung over and over again to the tune of what, Monty? Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star or the Mozart composed melody that is Baa Baa Black Sheep and also the Alphabet Song. Thank you very much. I was thinking the Alphabet Song, but thank you very much. It is Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star originally. And Baa Baa Black Sheep.

Yes, we all know about Baa Baa Black Sheep as well. Easy there. Easy there. Hot on the mic. Hot on the mic. Hot on the mic. Guest producer, Belmonte. Now, why did I sing it to the tune? Why did I sing Happy Birthday to the tune of the Alphabet song, You May Wonder?

Sean or Aldo, any guesses? Probably due to copyright infringement. Exactly so. Patty and Mildred J. Hill were the sisters who wrote Happy Birthday to You. While it is under dispute to some degree, most people treat it as though it is under copyright and royalties are still paid to it, and I do not want to pay those royalties.

Do you, gentlemen? Absolutely not. That is why whenever I sing Happy Birthday in any of my chain restaurants, oh, hodge my hands, a good time place for drinking, I make my employees sing happy birthday to the tune of the alphabet song or Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. So you both lose, but you are both happy people

because you get to go on vacations all the time. Is that not true? Yes, it's true. It is true. We've made a very concerted effort to do that. Well, good for you. Take me with you. We will next time. All right. Well, we'll true. It is true. We've made a very concerted effort to do that. Well, good for you. Take me with you. We will next time.

All right. Well, we'll see. Aldo? As long as Sean tells me where we're going. All right. So, Aldo, you bring this case against Sean, who is your life partner? Yes. Are you a married couple or a couple?

We're a couple. It's not legal here in California at this time. Ah, yes. We're hoping that that will change very quickly. Where are you in California? We live in Long Beach, California, just south of L.A. Yes, I've been there. Yeah, so you must be following the Supreme Court very closely because as of the week of this recording, they were hearing arguments with regard to the constitutionality

of Proposition 8. Is that not so? That is absolutely true. Well, fingers crossed that they make the right decision. But until then, you are a non-married but committed couple of how many years? It'll be 10 this August. All right. Now, Aldo, you have a problem with Sean. Now, Aldo, you have a problem with Sean. Explain it to me very, very briefly. We had made the decision to surprise each other with locations for our 40th birthday. Sean turned 40 this past February. I'm turning 40 this coming January.

And we had decided that for Sean, everything would be a surprise. He wouldn't find out where we were going until we got to the airport. And everything else along the way was new to him. And he had no idea where we were going and where we were staying, but I would rather know as soon as he cemented those plans so that I can start doing my research on where we'll be going so that I can know which books to read. Because you need to control every aspect of your life and hate spontaneity. That's kind of true. I had a feeling.

So let me make sure I understand this. You guys are both around 40 years old. Sean turned 40 last year. You took him on a trip for his birthday and you did not reveal anything about the trip until what, you got back home? You took him on the trip, but he had a burlap sack over his head the entire time and was disoriented?

That's kind of what I wanted to do, but I don't think the TSA would allow something like that. They wouldn't want you to walk your lover through security wearing a sack on his head? No. We contemplated that. You know what I recommend? Go to smaller airports. They'll let you get away with a lot more. Smaller airports.

Commuter airports. All right. So'll let you get away with a lot more. Smaller airports, commuter airports. All right. So where did you go? Where'd you go on this secret trip? Sean, do you even remember? I remember all of it like it was yesterday. In fact, it just occurred about a month ago. So you showed up at the airport?

Showed up at the airport and got in line to head to Hanoi, Vietnam. You're going to Hanoi! Did someone yell that? When you're like, where am I going? Like it was a big game show. It was sort of like that. So you went to Vietnam, which I understand is lovely. You had a great time.

Yes. And it was followed up with a trip to my favorite city on the planet right now, which is Bangkok, Thailand. But the biggest, most awesome surprise of this entire thing is that Aldo cavorted with two of my college friends. And they actually surprised me by showing up at our house before we all left for the trip. Did you say that Aldo cavorted with two of your college friends? Is that what you meant to say? You mean he conspired with two of your college friends to get them there?

Conspire is probably a better choice of words. Yeah, especially when going to Bangkok. True, very true. Yeah, no, Aldo, did you cavort with these friends or conspire? I conspired with them. All right. And this was a delightful experience for you? Very happy all around?

It was absolutely incredible for me. I couldn't have imagined a better way to turn 40. Well, you might have just stayed at home with your family and friends like me. May I presume that you guys are both employed? Yes. May I presume that you have no dependents other than each other? No dependents. Not unless you consider three adopted chihuahuas. Must be nice. Now, I have it here in the court documents that, Sean, that you frequently travel without knowing where you're

going or what you're going to do. Is that correct? Actually, this is the first time that we've ever taken a trip quite like this. Okay. So, Aldo, when you wrote into this court saying that Sean loves to travel without making any preparations ahead of time, were you lying? No, what I meant by that was that, you know, we decide where we're going, but I'm in charge of booking the airfare and picking the hotels. booking the airfare and picking the hotels. And then doing all the research and reading all the books. He never really reads a word about anywhere where we're going, and he kind of lets me be the tour guide. And has this always been the case in your life, Sean? I don't know that this has necessarily always been the case in my life.

That you get the people who care about you in your life to do all the work for you? Is that what happens? It's kind of a nice system. I don't typically like to be the cruise director, and I know that Aldo really enjoys that aspect of life and existence, and so it sort of works out good for both of us in that regard. So now the dispute is that you want vengeance and want to kidnap Aldo to a location of your choosing without telling him where.

And you want to throw a burlap sack over his head, and he doesn't want a burlap sack over his head. Essentially, that is accurate. All right. Before I go any further, have you picked out a destination, a secret destination for Aldo? Have you picked out a destination, a secret destination for Aldo? Indeed I have. I've already arranged for the flights involved in his birthday trip in January. So this is a done deal. It's a done deal, yeah. And you would prefer to keep the destination a secret from Aldo, even though he doesn't want that. Why?

I would really like to keep this whole thing a secret for Aldo. And the reason why is because I think that it is a great way for us to both experience something a little bit uncomfortable, to push our own personal limits. So just to backtrack slightly. That's the only reason that I take vacations and go on luxury trips to Asia. I really think that it's important for partners to experience new things together and to – To challenge each other? Challenge, yeah, and grow and become better people in the end. Like the way Aldo challenged you to crack a book for once in your life and learn about where you were going? Oh, no, no, no. That's not what happened.

He actually did exactly what you wanted. He did precisely what you wanted, which was to not let you worry about it at all. Right. That's true. That's very true. Yeah. He didn't challenge you, did he? Unless there's something intrinsic to the destination, which was a challenge, or it was a place that you wanted to go to.

It was absolutely a place that I wanted to go to. And there's no offense to Columbus, Ohio, but he didn't say, happy birthday, here's your plane ticket, Columbus, Ohio. It's time for you to engage with the American experience. I would have been slightly disappointed if we ended up in Columbus, Ohio. What? You don't like Columbus, Ohio? I grew up around the Cleveland area. Oh, okay. So you are an Ohioan. Yes, I am an Ohioan.

Then you have rights to defecate all over Columbus. Well, excellent. Because that city is a feces hole, right? The next time I visit, I'll be sure to do so. No, I've been to Columbus, Ohio a strangely large number of times. And I always have a terrific time there visiting with the Buckeyes of Ohio State. Oh, yes, indeed. He didn't challenge you to go to a place that he knew that you would like. Yes, he did know very well that I would like this trip an awful lot. So I guess what this comes down to, before I can hear any more arguments and then make my ruling, is this.

Are you guys in the same room? Yes, we are. All right, Aldo, leave the room. Okay. All right, so where do you want to take him? Because this comes down to whether or not I'm going to reveal this or not. If I tell you, he'll find out. How do you know that he's going to find out?

He'll be listening to the podcast. Certainly he will be. Just to give you an example. No, I'll order him not to listen to it. When are you going to go? You already bought the tickets. I already bought the tickets. When are you going to go? You already bought the tickets.

I already bought the tickets. We're going to Hong Kong and Macau and Singapore. And I'm coming with you. I'll book another seat. Please. That sounds like a good trip. Yeah. What about two seats?

Oh, yeah. Right. Exactly. I'll go. Yeah. Three seats. Three seats. Just book one extra seat, right, exactly. I'll go. Yeah, three seats. Three seats. Just book one extra seat, and the two of you don't go.

Me and Hodgman and Monty will go. Well, you guys probably have commissioned a private jet, right? No, we're far from that, Judge. All right. I'm sorry that I'm presuming that you guys have all the money in the world. Hong Kong, Macau, and Singapore. Yes. And when are you leaving? We will leave the middle of January, January 18th, I believe.

Oh, of next year. Of next year, yes. Oh, a younger man. By one calendar year. All right. Not too bad. I will make sure that your information is kept secret depending on my final ruling. But before we hear any more arguments and before we ask Aldo back into the room, Jesse, would you please ring the pledge drive gong?

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If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Aldo, while you were out of the room, presumably wearing a pair of earmuffs and hiding under a blanket so you would not hear, and hiding under a blanket so you would not hear. Sean revealed to me the destination of your secret mystery trip. Which is? Wait a minute. I have it written down here. Columbus, Ohio.

Columbus, you're going to Ohio! Oh! and now and now i need to hear from you why i or rather why i should order sean to reveal his delightful surprise to you why do you want to open your present before the day go well we had agreed to this a couple of months ago before we left for his trip that this is how it would be. He would make the plans and cement all the locations and hotels and then... Is he really cementing all the locations? Well, he... He's paving them all over? He's paved paradise to put up a parking lot.

So you're saying that you agreed before traveling to Vietnam. Yeah, Sean agreed to let me know after he made the plans and decided where we were going for my birthday. Is that so, Sean? Did you make that agreement? I don't recall making that agreement, Judge. And I'm sure that I may have entertained the idea, but I did not sign on a dotted line. Aldo? Yes? Did he verbally agree to reveal to you the location of the trip he was planning?

Yes, he did. So when he says that he does not recall, is it your contention that he is a liar? No, just old. He just has a bad memory to begin with. well he's an older man he's 40 years old i know he's a year older than i am yeah you're not going to be 40 for a long time you got a lot of living to do a lot of living to do i don't know why you're hanging around this old man i don't know because he's taking me to on vacations sean is aldo lying when he says that you made that agreement or do you honestly don't remember?

I honestly don't recall agreeing to that. I'm going to order so order that an agreement was made because you obviously are elderly. So at what point did did Sean go back on his agreement? When did he reveal to you that he was not going to reveal to you? Well, after we got back from his trip, he had made the airfare reservations, and then he told me that he had done so, but he was not going to let me know where we were going. He wanted me to find out in the same way that he did. And did you say to him, why did you change your mind?

No, I didn't. I said, I'm going to take you to court. I do think that's how it actually unfolded. And is it that you don't trust Sean to make these arrangements because throughout your entire relationship, you are the only one who has made travel arrangements and you are afraid that he thinks getting airplane tickets means writing numbers down on the backs of receipts that he gets from the dime store? No, absolutely not. We kind of like similar locations and types of accommodations. So I trust his judgment on that level.

The main reason that I want to know where we're going is so that I could do some research and read books about where we're going and look up calendars for events to see if there's anything fun happening at the time. You don't trust that. Sean, have you done any research into this mystery location? I absolutely have. And I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of research and looking up calendars for various events. And I'm actually very much looking forward to making this an experience that speaks directly to Aldo's soul.

Tell me the truth. You looked at half a Wikipedia page for this place and then said, I got it? I have not gone to Wikipedia, in fact. Are you a competent travel planner, Sean, even though you may be a little rusty because you haven't had to do it for 10 years? I feel like I am competent. I would also agree that I am a little rusty, which is also one of the reasons why I'm looking forward to this, because it challenges me to do a little bit something new. And I kind of like that part.

Aldo, do you want to do research or do you just want to double check Sean's work because you don't believe he's competent? No, no. I think one of the pieces of evidence that I submitted was a photo of my travel books. I have a lot of travel books, so I've kind of collected them over the years. So I really absolutely enjoy reading about the locations prior to going there. You could have gotten those books. You could have gotten those books. I don't know.

I don't see a picture of you reading them. I do see a lot of pictures of you guys living it up on this birthday trip from last year. What are you trying to do? Make me angry? I want to go to Vietnam. I want to check out these places. I would highly recommend it.

Oh, would you? Thanks. Here's the two of you. two handsome young guys, sitting in business class, drinking mimosas out of actual crystal and toasting the camera as if basically to say, here's to you, Judge John Hodgman, you dummy. Is that what you were doing in this picture? No, we were floored to be in business class. I don't have any idea how that happened. Aldo did not have a hand in that. It's the first time we've ever flown business class, and we were really, really surprised. Is that how it goes for you when you go on these burlap sack travel trips?

You're like, can I just sit here? Yes? Okay, thanks. Aldo, how'd you get into business class? How'd you work there? I didn't work it at all. We had actually checked in, and this is our connecting flight in Seoul. And as soon as we gave our tickets to the airline, the stewardess, to go on to the plane, they said, oh, I'm sorry, your seats have been changed.

And then they ended up directing us to the front of the plane. Nice stuff just happens to you guys. Must be nice. Must be nice. It was an incredible surprise, that particular portion. And perhaps someone was responsible, but we don't know who that was. Nobody has clean responsibility. Aldo, why can't you just relax this one time and trust Sean to plan something fun for you?

What's the worst that could happen? Honestly, tell me what's the worst that could happen if you show up at the airport not knowing where you're going. I won't know what there is to do where we're going. Judge, I will tell you what's the worst that can happen from my perspective, is that by the time we get to around October or November, Aldo will be a completely insane homosexual in this house. And we'll have to live with a man who's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Because he can't get his hands on the information and he's freaking out. He's going to be anxious about not knowing where he's going. Yeah, I am genuinely concerned. It'll happen before October.

If I were to reveal the destination, would Aldo attempt to micromanage this trip to the point that you would be very frustrated, Sean? That's an interesting question, Judge. Yeah, I asked it for that reason. Yeah, I think that he actually might still allow me to coordinate the agenda, the general agenda, but I am certain that he would micromanage the details. Would you feel that it was less of a gift if Aldo took over management of this trip to columbus ohio since i'm under oath and i'm required to tell the truth please i do think that it would it would be a better gift for aldo if he knew where we were going and i can't believe that i

said that but i want him i was incredibly impressed with him to keep the secret from me for an entire year before we took our trip. And that was completely out of character for Aldo. If he buys me a Christmas gift in September, he gives it to me in September. Right. He can't handle the surprise and the waiting and the discovery. So he kept my trip a secret. And I found he was capable of doing that. So I think that he is capable of being very spontaneous and enjoying the ride.

And you want to be able to keep that secret as well to prove that you can do it so that your birthday gift to him can actually be all about you. Is that correct? That's a fair assessment. Yes. That's a fair assessment, yes. That's a fair assessment. Thank you. Now, I only have one more question. Sean, would you please leave the room? Certainly.

Okay, he's gone. Is he really gone? Yes. Hang on. I'm going to use my spy camera. Hang on. Let me direct my drone over your apartment. Yeah, okay. He's gone. All all right you want to know where you're going

a hundred dollars i'll tell you right now this court is corrupt i'll make a donation to maximum fun oh it is the max fun pledge drive is it not i'll expect your hundred dollars no matter what but i have not yet decided what to rule but here's my question what are you getting sean for christmas this year oh i haven't thought of that yet what what do you think what do you think it should be what'd you get him for christmas last year in last september uh i didn't get him anything we went we went to vegas for um oh you too they thought about getting a fourth chihuahua, but it just seemed excessive. I like to travel so much, but I don't get to go on trips all the time because I have human children that I cannot put in a kennel anymore.

And I like to travel with my human children. That makes it prohibitively expensive a lot of the time. Anyway, you don't remember, so your gift to him last year was a trip to Vegas? Yeah, I mean, we both decided that we wouldn't get each other any Christmas presents, that we would just spend money on each other in Vegas. He wanted a nice, fancy dinner.

And did you tell him where you went? Did he ever learn what hotel he was staying at? When we were planning the Vegas trip? Yeah. Yes. All right. Yeah. This is the only time that we've been doing, like, surprise trips for our 40th.

How did this come up, just out of curiosity, this surprise trip business? He says that we both agreed to it, like, a year and a half ago, maybe. Oh, but now you don't remember? I don't remember that. But I have a better now you don't remember? I don't remember that. But I have a better memory than he does, so I don't think that it happened. I think I've heard everything I need to make my decision.

I'm going into my chambers. Actually, you know what? I'm going to stay in your chambers. You leave the room. Both of you leave the room, get a snack, come back in five minutes. Oh, no, wait. No, no, because Jesse needs to talk to Sean and Aldo.

We can't just talk to each other. Would you please ask Sean to return? Okay, I'll get it. And I, meanwhile, am going to go into the secret room in your apartment where I'm broadcasting this from. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom and heads for the panic room. So, Aldo, what are you worried about? It's not that I'm worried so much. I just, I get really

a lot of enjoyment out of planning the trips, and I like reading about where we're going and learning about traditions and history about the location. So it's part of the vacation for me is reading about the places that we're going.

Sean, why are you punishing your partner? I would like to think of it not as punishing. I would like to think of it as just enjoying a new aspect of how you can approach travel and being spontaneous and just letting the world unfold before you as it may. It's kind of, it's kind of an exciting way to, to go somewhere. Sean, how do you feel about your chances in the case? I felt a little bit better about it coming into it. I sort of feel like a jerk. Aldo, what if Sean got you some of the travel books that you could experience at the airport and on the plane to where you were going?

Oh, the Peacemaker. You know, that has been suggested. However, I kind of am a cover to cover type of reader. So that wouldn't allow me enough time to read. What if it were a long flight to Columbus, Ohio? I think I could probably do one book. It depends on the length of the flight. If it were an audio version of the book so that you could hear it while you had the burlap sack on your head, would that be appropriate?

Oh, yeah, that would be helpful. Well, we're going to take a quick break and we'll return when Judge John Hodgman returns. Attention, listeners. This is Judge John Hodgman with a secret message from Chambers. I should be thinking about this case right now, but I'm mostly thinking about the Max Fund pledge drive. You know, Jesse was saying something earlier on that made a lot of sense to me. I listen to all these Max Fund shows. I listen to Jordan Jesse Go, My Brother, My Brother and Me,

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Drive. Yeah. Well, I have a lot of sympathy for these people because I've met MaxFun listeners over the several years now that I've had the pleasure to be a member of the MaxFun podcasting family. I've gone to the MaxFun cons. I've met the people who listen to the shows and love the shows and engage with the shows all across the country. And you know what I've noticed about all of them, Jesse? What's that? They're not deadbeats. about all of them, Jesse?

What's that? They're not deadbeats. These are people who know what's worth a little bit of their hard-earned scratch. Yeah, no, I mean, I say that as a joke, but it's meaningful to me that the MaxFun listeners tend to be really engaged and really thoughtful, and they know what they like, and they are willing to pay what they think it's worth.

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you will get a piece of culture chosen specifically for you by one of the folks at MaxFun, be it Judge Hodgman, me, Jordan, the folks from Throwing Shade, Nate DeMeo from The Memory Palace I give you $100 a month and you guys are going to send me books and movies and DVDs that you picked and downloadable and physical content of stuff that you love

that's not only an amazing thing that would be an amazing gift to give to someone else, would it not? Oh absolutely, it's a really wonderful thing and It's a really wonderful thing. And it's a really special way of saying that you care about the stuff that we're doing. Because I'm 41 years old.

I don't know what young humans are listening to these days. This will help me be a part of culture. I'm going to help you out, Judge Hodgman. Put me down for that. I'm serious. Put me down right now for that. I want serious. Put me down right now for that. I want it. You're down.

You're in. One other level I want to mention is... Wait a minute. How do you put me down for that? Do I go to a place? Yeah, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. It's that easy. That is pretty easy, but I'm just going to let you take care of it because I'm the host

of the show. Yeah, fair enough. This is an amazing thing, but I really want to emphasize, we really love people who donate at any level. The important distinction, as far as I'm concerned, is somebody who does this and somebody who spends a great portion of his days sweating over spreadsheets and writing paychecks

is not the difference between someone who gives $200 a month and someone who gives $35 a month, but the difference between someone who gives and someone who doesn't. So if you think that this show and the other shows at MaximumFun.org are worth supporting, it's easy to do. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And what's important is that you actually do that. Get up off your rear, go to the computer, sit down, type in a credit card number. It's easy. And then for the rest of the year, you'll know every time you listen to our shows that you're part of what made that happen. Now, the MaximumFun.org slash donate page is always up.

And you are always welcome. And we would be very grateful if you were to donate throughout the year. But what Jesse is saying is that through this pledge drive, you have access to so much more challenge grants. Thank you. Gifts. And basically the feeling of pitching in and helping at a time when maximum fun is really counting on you.

And so if you want to give money at any point during the year, this is the time when your money is going to go the furthest, both for Maximum Fun and for you. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. So first of all, I'm incredibly jealous of you dudes because I love travel. Travel is one of the greatest things you can do.

It slows down time and therefore you die more slowly, which is what you think about when you reach the age of 40. Travel is also – I love traveling with my children because it is an intense experience that you get to see through their eyes. And it also slows down time and allows you to enjoy your children and see their point of view on the world and share the world that you like with them. And so it is my first ruling that you – whatever your next trip is, you should take my children and allow my wife and I to go to Vietnam. Just drop them off. Yeah. Or maybe consider opening a, like a, you know, like a semester at sea style traveling private school for just my children. So I will, so I'll just drop them off. I, I'm, I'm not going to tell you their names

because it's none of your business. Uh, but you will be able to recognize them because they're going to be wearing full face masks. Oh, excellent. We'll be looking forward to that. Uh, but so here's the thing. Like one of the things that is so interesting about travel is that you cannot plan for it any more than you can plan for a relationship. You know, a relationship, a long-term relationship like travel is more about surrender than it is about control. Because no matter how much preparation you do, how many clear plans you make, how many rules you put down, you have to surrender to the ebb and flow.

You give yourself up. Unlike a relationship, travel without planning, right, can result in you being jailed in a foreign country with malaria. Actually, that's true about marriage as well. Now that I think of it, I'm sorry. That is also true about long-term relationships. But the point is, with you guys, you have one person who enjoys sort of surrendering to another person's control, and you have one person who just sort of surrendering to another person's control and you have one person

who just wants to control and the issue of this case is is this trip is this birthday trip going to be a challenge to the birthday boy in this case an exercise in self-growth? Or is it going to be an indulgence? Like giving Aldo precisely what he wants? Like, is it going to be a birthday where you give him a birthday cake that's delicious? Or you give him, like, a carob cookie? Yes, yes. So I've sought to determine in this whether Aldo requires a challenge to let go a little bit and allow Yushan to guide his life in a way. And I think that he does require that challenge to some degree. I think that it is clear that he is already beginning to panic about not knowing where he is going.

Yes, yes. And I take seriously your assessment that as the date grows closer, he's going to become even more panicky. But I've also been asking questions seeking to determine whether or not he is just, in fact, a grown-up who knows what he wants. And I think he's that as well. And the key thing is that you, Sean, are 40. You're an elderly person, forgetful or whatever. And you may be forgetting that this trip is not just a trip that you can use to gaslight your loving partner and make him feel anxious and laugh at him.

It is also his birthday present, his precious. It is also his 40th birthday present. And when you are 40, as everyone in this virtual room knows except for young Bailiff Jesse Thorne. Oh, you're not 40. I'm also not 40.

Yes. Producer Belmonte. Yeah. But I, I recused myself. Yeah. You recuse yourself out of this room. I don't even want to see you anymore because that's the choice that I can

make. Now that I'm 41 years old, when you turn 40, you are, this is when you are a grownup and you are allowed to know what you want because your life is ending. Time is short. You don't have to, you don't have to put up with the stuff that you used to put up with before. You can choose your friends.

You don't have to do dumb stuff that you don't feel like doing. It's a time for you to start being selfish and what other people want should no longer matter to you, especially on your birthday. So here's the thing I could see in Aldo, both the guy who could use the challenge of travel and therefore should not know, like use a surrender challenge

and therefore should not know where he is going. And I also see him as a guy who is a grown-up who knows what he likes and who, especially on his birthday, should enjoy what he likes,

which is manically controlling every aspect of him. And I am sensitive to the fact that if you give him this information, Sean, in a way, he will be opening his present early

and taking away from you the present. But the thing that turned me, Sean, and I think you knew this was going to happen the moment you opened your mouth to say these words, it would be a better gift for Aldo if he did know where he was going. And particularly when you very quickly and openly and happily acknowledge that your keeping the secret was more of a present for yourself than for him. Fair enough.

It seems to me to violate the generosity aspect of what a birthday present should be. I think and order and sentence you, Sean and Aldo to go on a different trip, preferably to somewhere in Ohio where Aldo truly doesn't know what is going on. I think that would be a valuable experience for both of you to do. But in this case, I think you are denying Aldo a basic pleasure that he takes out of travel that will be important to him

and his experience of his big birthday trip. And I therefore so order you to unseal the documents and reveal right now the location. No! And I ask you to do it as though you're on a game show.

Because if you can't do it, I have the information right here and I'm going to say it in a game show voice. So it's your choice. Do you want to do it or do you want me can do it, I have the information right here, and I'm going to say it in a game show voice. So it's your choice. Do you want to do it, or do you want me to do it? I think that I owe it to Aldo to do it myself. You are a good person. Can I give an introduction?

Yes, please. Sean, tell Aldo where he's headed. Congratulations. Congratulations. You'll be turning 40 in Macau. Oh, my God. And we're going to Hong Kong and Singapore also. Oh, my God. Well, you kind of blew it on that last part there, Sean.

And we're also kind of going to Hong Kong and Singapore. Well, he knew Macau would get my attention. Aldo, last name redacted, you're going to Macau, Hong Kong and Singapore. I can't sing this song because I'm like, happy birthday. It's not copyright. Actually, it kind of is. Now, Aldo, if you were truly the Judge John Hodgman guest that I hoped you would be, you would have said, oh, really?

Just to get at him. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. How are you feeling, Aldo? I feel great. This is really good. Now I can start reading all of my travel books, or ordering them, actually. Have you already looked up what Macau is in the Dewey Decimal System? No, no.

Sean, how are you feeling? I am actually happy and relieved, because I do think that the judge made the correct ruling in this case. Well, Sean Aldo, thanks so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you very much. It was a pleasure. Macau, eh, Judge Hodgman? Huh, what? I was just too busy spinning my giant light-up globe and staring at it forlornly. Does it look like your children in the same way

that to a hungry man everything looks like a turkey? Well, I get to, you know what, I don't know what I'm complaining about. I get to go to a lot of places. I get to travel a lot, both by myself and with my family, for various work and non-work related funds, but I have never been to Asia

and I would love to go. I just don't see how that's going to happen anytime soon. How about you? I went to India but decided to live in Calcutta and work with Mother Teresa. That's not quite a vacation. No, but I'm sure a life-changing experience. Oh, absolutely.

Three kids, though. Now, but I'm sure a life-changing experience. Oh, absolutely. Right. Three kids, though. Right. Now, just to be clear, we were talking during the break, Monty Belmonte has been a guest bailiff before. In this case, he's not even a guest bailiff. He's just here at WRSI, the river in Northampton, giving a studio space because I am otherwise in Internetless Hills, Massachusetts, this week. And he's more of a friend of the court, an amicus brief.

And that's why I am now referring to you from now on as amicus brief. Or amicus Belmonte. My son's name is Atticus Belmonte, so it's pretty close. See, there's a difference. Monty's the kind of guy who reveals his children's names. I should sell personal information. Would you like a social security number as well? Maybe you could buy him a ticket.

Whereas I refer to my children only as Hajmina and Hajmanilla. Human children. But you are now Amicus Brief Belmonte from now on. Jesse, you are always my bailiff. Oh, bailiff, my bailiff, will you please rock it on the docket? Sure. Here's something from John. My girlfriend and I have an argument about proper etiquette at casual restaurants.

That is, where one orders at the counter and then has the food delivered to the table. She believes it's perfectly acceptable for someone to sit at a table and reserve it for the group, while the rest of the party waits in line to order. I believe this is tantamount to cutting the line, and that people should only be seated once they've ordered their food. Tantamount. Totalmount is what I say. This dispute came to a head recently when I was forced to reserve a table for five people at a breakfast restaurant while she and her family waited in a long line.

I ended up denying seats to multiple persons who had already ordered food. Needless to say, I found this rude and felt very uncomfortable. Who's right? Is it okay to have people reserve seats while the rest of their party waits? Or can you order my girlfriend to just hold her horses and wait in line like everybody else? I order your girlfriend to go to Philadelphia and try that behavior out at Jim's Steaks on South Street and see how the gruff men who run that shop deal with your girlfriend's plan. She would be yelled at and pushed out onto South Street,

angrily, by Philadelphians. That is not cool. It's a counter service restaurant. I think you could do that at McDonald's. I think you could do that at Save Seats at Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage. You know why? No one's there. This is a vast array of tables, and no one's sitting down at them. I guess you could give it a try.

But boy, oh boy, if someone has a complete party and they've ordered their food and they want to sit down, you can't hold that table. Right, Monty? No, you could call ahead and arrange something, maybe. Yeah, that's called a restaurant. We actually have done this on off days with large parties where we call ahead, we commandeer the entire restaurant, and other people can show up there, but they all know it's happening. Right. It's all above board. Yeah.

If you make a prearrangement with the restaurant, that's called a reservation. Right. Whether or not they even take reservations, you may say, hey, we're thinking about doing this. You cool with that? I would say if you're in a popular place where you have to wait in line and tables are at a premium, you really should not do this. Because A, the system only works if everyone observes the same rules. That's how they turn over those tables in a way such that if it's a long line, by the time you get to the end of the line, there probably will be a table empty unless someone is saving it against the rules. unless someone is saving it against the rules.

And B, if you do save tables, the contempt you're going to feel from your fellow diners is going to ruin your digestion. But there is a third way. There's a third solution, which is don't go to places like this. Don't go to places, don't go to counter service places or don't go to places with long lines, particularly in cities,

that serve some kind of glorified street food that got written up on a website or, you know, a foodie blog or whatever. Because those long lines are usually an indicator that the food is not that great. Because sometimes those places just get trendy and weird and, but you're not going to get a cheesesteak there after 30 minutes in line that's any better than one at a pizza or steak sandwich place two blocks away. Go and find someplace to go where there isn't a huge long line. You know what I like? Restaurants that take reservations because they treat you like human beings, not like cattle. Save that for the grill. So go to a place that treats you like a human being. Treat them like human beings.

If you have a big party, call ahead and see if they'll maybe set a table aside for you. Maybe they'll say no. Find a place you like, spend your money there, tip furiously, and soon you'll never have a problem getting a table for five again. Here's a question from Francis. Who would win in a fight, Batman, Superman, or Yoda? I vote Batman. My husband John votes Yoda.

My 15-year-old daughter Maura votes for Superman if he's hopped up on Red Crypt tonight. And my 17-year-old daughter Kira doesn't want to vote right now because she's contemplating how the inclusion of Superman in the problem might affect the outcome. First of all, I didn't know that the Pope had a 17-year-old daughter. I guess he's a Pope of the people and cares about crazy late March, early April madness superhero brackets. So let's throw in Spider-Man so that we can do a proper bracket.

So first up, Batman versus Superman. Oh, head to head, sure. Who do you take? So it's Batman versus Superman in one bracket, Spider head. Sure. Who do you take? So it's Batman versus Superman in one bracket, Spider-Man versus Yoda in the other bracket. Okay. Who do you take? I take Superman over Spider-Man.

No, no, no, no, no. Batman. Batman. Oh, I can take Superman. Batman versus Superman. I take Superman over Batman. Incorrect. And I take Yoda over Spider-Man.

Correct. Jesse, do you want to weigh in? Who do you have? Wait, you think Batman could beat Superman in a fight? Batman's beaten Superman lots of times. Look it up. You know why? I mean, Superman is overpowered beyond all of these characters

to the point that he is essentially godlike in his powers, and that's why it's hard, not impossible, but hard to write a compelling Superman story because the dude, you can't lay a finger on him. But he's got a major weakness, does he not? Kryptonite. Kryptonite. And what has Batman got stored in droves in the Batcave?

Because he is, at heart, a suspicious psychopath. Kryptonite. Did you guys read The Dark Knight Returns? Batman has his own kryptonite? Of course he does. Batman is keeping... You're assuming that they're fighting in the Batcave. Batman is a master strategist,

and he has contingencies upon contingencies. And Superman is a nice dude. But Batman's got a dossier on 15 different ways to beat Superman, all of which involve kryptonite. I know that he's got that. It's Batman all the way, and I'm the judge. Alright. Alright, but I will agree with you on Spider-Man. Who do you have?

Spider-Man versus Yoda, Jesse? I guess Yoda because he's more magical. Yeah, well, alright. He's cuter, so I'm going to go with him. Okay, two wrong ways to get to the right conclusion. No, I'm right. He is more magical. He is more magical.

He is more magical. And he's cuter. Well, look, they basically have similar agility, similar, well, Spider-Man's got more strength, martial arts and other hand-to-hand fighting prowess. I would say web shooters and lightsaber as your primary weapon of choice. That's a wash. And then you got wall crawling. And you got Yoda's limited telekinesis and telepathy.

I think they're pretty evenly matched, ultimately. But Spider-Man is a teenager, too young to begin the training. Yoda's got centuries of experience. Wisdom trumps. so that's Yoda. You have a pro-wisdom bias in this whole thing. Yeah, because you gotta know how to fight. And if there's one thing

I know about, it's knowing how to fight. Be quiet, Amicus Bell, Monty. Be quiet, Amicus Bell, Monty. Or I'm gonna punch you in the cheek. Because that's my weak spot. That's your weak spot. He already knows it. I got a dossier in my bat cave.

In my judge cave. Achilles' cheek. Yeah. So, Judge Hodgman, do you think that Batman is ready for Yoda's space magic? Batman versus Yoda? Lightning round. Quick answer. Yoda. Jesse. Batman? quick answer. Yoda. Jesse.

Batman. I don't know. Batman is correct. Batman beats Yoda. Is Batman the most powerful superhero? Yeah, because he's a psychopath. Because he is essentially, well, not a psychopath, a sociopath. Because Batman.

There's no superhero that could beat Batman. Right. Batman is the dark side, superhero that could beat Batman. Right. Batman is the dark side, right? Of the Force. Yeah, Batman has fully embraced the dark side. But the dark side of the Force didn't win in Star Wars. So if Batman has fully embraced the dark side of the Force, let's say as Emperor Palpatine, Yoda ultimately, even though he died, imbued the Jedi with the capacity to defeat the dark side.

Batman versus Yoda. Equal martial arts. They both rely on gadgets. Batman's got a lot more gadgets. Yoda's got his telepathy and telekinesis. No obvious kryptonite-style weaknesses. In a straight-up fight, though, advantage Batman, because Batman is a warrior who has embraced the dark side, and he plays to win.

Wars do not make one great. Yoda is a peacemaker. Well, yeah, exactly. That's why he's not going to win that fight. I'm not talking about... You're just talking straight-up street brawl. Street brawl. Yoda couldn't even take down Count Dooku.

Not totally. He didn't take down Count Dooku. He's not going to take down Batman. I'm not saying I don't love Yoda. I love Yoda. But Batman has a psychological problem. And that would give him the advantage in a fight. He is an asshole.

Who do you think would win in a fight between West Coast Avengers and Alpha Flight? Subquestion. Name one member of Alpha Flight. I'll name all the members of Alpha Flight. At least the original lineup. Issue number one. First of all, you got Wayne Gretzky. The Guardian, formerly known as Vindicator. You have Marina. You have Puck. You have Sasquatch.

You have Northstar, who's one of the first openly gay characters in comics. You have Puck. You have Sasquatch. You have Northstar, who's one of the first openly gay characters in comics. You have Shaman. You have Snowbird. And there's one I'm missing, which is Northstar's sister. Judge John Hodgman not using the internet for this. I vouch for this. He is going to the recesses of his mind and pulling this out with the greatest of ease. I still have that bagged at home with cardboard backing.

I got that one. I couldn't name all the members of West Coast Avengers. Who's the one I'm missing from Alpha Flight? The internet. I said Sasquatch, right? I said Puck, right? You know what his superpower was? Short and hairy.

Short, hairy. He was sort of like. He scares off the ladies. He was like a diminutive Ernest Hemingway who could do backflips. He drinks a lot. And obviously they were all Canadian. Alpha Flight is Canadian too. I have to go look up who was North Star's sister in Alpha Flight. I can't believe I can't remember this.

His twin sister. All right, while I do that, Jesse, will you remind them of how to donate to Maximum Fun? I absolutely will. Go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, and you'll find a listing of all the great thank you gifts. And then once you've done it, brag about it on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you very much again, Amicus Brief, Monty Belmonte, for helping us get some studio time here at WRSI, the river in Northampton, Massachusetts. My pleasure.

And may I just say before I go, every time I said, must be nice, that was an homage to Paul F. Tompkins. Once again, I realize he has infected my brain and I'm saying his lines. And I apologize, everybody. If you're listening to this, go see Paul F. Tompkins in London, April 3rd through the 13th. Look it up online, paulftompkins.com. Sorry about that, dude. And thanks to Sandra for this week's case name. If you want to name a case on a future episode of Judge John Hodgman, be sure to like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook and watch out for the case naming posts. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show,

join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash judgejohnhodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.