Judge John Hodgman - The Girlfriend and the Grasshopper

Episode Date: May 18, 2011

Jeff says his live-in girlfriend Courtney habitually hides food from him. Courtney admits that she's hidden food in the past, but only to save Jeff from his own ravenous tendencies, and that she has stopped the practice. Is Courtney a food-hoarder, or is Jeff a food-stealer?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the case of the girlfriend and the grasshopper. Jeff brings the case. He says his girlfriend, Courtney, habitually hides food and particularly treats. When challenged, she's prone to lying openly about the matter. Courtney says she does not continue to hide food, and she only has done it in the past because they were foods that her boyfriend, Jeff, has repeatedly claimed he doesn't enjoy, but nonetheless eats who is in the right and who is in the wrong only one man can decide please rise as judge john hodgman enters the courtroom whoa be unto you sinners you food

hoarders you food stealers for today is your judgment day you may be seated please rise and raise your right hands do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? Absolutely. Do you swear to abide by Judge Sean Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that his judgment is clouded by the long list of treats in the case summaries that you've provided? Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman. So who is the complainant? That would be me. What is your name, sir? My name is provided. Yes. Very well, Judge Hodgman. So who is the complainant? That would be me.

What is your name, sir? My name is Jeff. Jeff Foodstealer. Okay, go on. Okay, that's one perspective. That's just what it says here, Jeff. I don't know. I just get these things handed to me.

Well, to start from the beginning, about a year ago, I remember on a certain day, much like today, I came home from work early or something. I'm not sure exactly what it was. And I found Courtney and she was in bed and she was surrounded by Reese's peanut butter cup wrappers. Sounds very romantic.

Yes. Well, I mean, it would have been had there been any remaining peanut butter cups, but they were all completely gone. And so I saw this and I realized that she's had these over the course of several days and she has not shared them with me. And since then, I have found her also hiding Girl Scout cookies and a Long Island treat known as pizza crumb, which I find delicious. What is pizza crumb? Well, Courtney, do you want to take that one? No, I'm asking you, Jeff.

It's a hard question to answer. I'm asking you, Jeff. Okay. Well, question to answer. I'm asking you, Jeff. Okay, well, it's a pastry. You brought it up. You brought it up. You have to answer for it. What is pizza crumb? I presume it is a minuscule part of a pizza?

No, Your Honor. It is a pizza-shaped treat, which is where I guess it gets the name, that is both flaky and doughy and has almond flavor and sugary. And it's from Long Island, where Courtney is from. And her friend had bought it, who was visiting for both of us, was my understanding. But I understand that Courtney feels differently about that. So that is a pizza crumb. Courtney, you've been brought up by name.

Is that an accurate description of pizza crumb? That's you've been brought up by name. Is that an accurate description of pizza crumb? That's probably the only accurate thing he'll say today. Yes. Whoa. All right. Go on, Jeff. That's essentially the story is she hides this food from me. And I only know of these three cases. But of course, if the food is hidden, I wouldn't know about it, right? So she could be hiding food from me as we speak. She might be in the other room eating hidden food that I don't know about. So let me just clarify. So you came home, you saw that she was surrounded by Reese's peanut butter cup wrappers. The cups or the minis? Those were the full cups. That's also a point of dispute here. Full cups. So the little brown tart pans that the full cup comes in not the little

and oil because it's like it was like a a bulk bag so they come individually wrapped so it has both the little brown paper wax wax cup and then also the orange wrapper right and was she still conscious or had she gone into insulin shock at this point no no she was still filming at the mouth and she left a note there was the very clear look of shock on her face when she know she know that she she'd been discovered when she realized i think is what you meant other than she knows yeah excuse me right thank you uh didn't finish college thanks thanks your honor and then how did you discover that she was hiding girl scout cookies i don't remember that as clearly oh really is that the haze of a lie or the haze of constant eating of cookies? That one tagalog just sort of fades into another after a while?

Yes, that's more accurate than you know, Your Honor. Where was she hiding them? I believe they were in the nightstand of the bed, which is also where she had the peanut butter cups. Oh, that's cups. Oh. That's true, yes. Like the purloined letter hiding in plain sight. Well, I mean, it's deceptive because the nightstand is on her end of the bed. Right.

So it's just full of her stuff and I never look at it. But it's not like she had hollowed out a copy of Game of Thrones and hid some trefoils in there. We talked about that, but no. And where was she hiding? What was the other thing that she was hiding? Oh, the pizza crumb? Where did that get hid? The pizza crumb was stashed away in a cabinet inside the apartment somewhere, I believe.

No, that's not true. So a mysterious hidey hole called a cupboard in the kitchen? Well, anyway, I didn't see it until it was out on the table. Oh, right. That truly is hiding in plain sight. Well. I will put it here on the mantelpiece, and the police will not think to search for the pizza crumb there. Yes, Your Honor.

Courtney, are you hiding food? Well, I hid food these two times, I admit to it, but I've never hidden food on another occasion. Which two times? Pizza crumb? Because I've got three here. Peanut butter cups, pizza crumb, Girl Scout cookies. The peanut butter cups and the Girl Scout cookies. The pizza crumb, I actually submitted some the peanut butter cups and the girl scout cookies the pizza

crumb i actually submitted some evidence about this what is your evidence my friend um it's a letter from my friend uh testimony um because she had brought the pizza crumb from new york and she brought it particularly for me jeff was uh permitted to have some but within 15 hours he ate half of what she brought. So she told me that I should probably hide it. And this is when I'd never spoken to her about hiding food or the fact that Jeff was very sensitive about it. So she said, you should hide it. I said, I can't. And she said, I'll hide it for you. So the evidence is her testifying that she in fact hid the pizza crumb in her own bag. And she was the one who forgot to put it back in her bag.

And that's how Jeff found it. Okay, I'm looking at the letter now. Will you read it for me, please? Oh, I don't have it opened. All right, then repeat after me. To the Honorable Judge John Hodgman, I am writing out this testimony on behalf of Courtney, the defendant. I arrived late on Tuesday the 12th of April, 2011,

very recently, to the home of Jeff and Courtney. I brought with me, as a gift to my friend, a delicious treat available only at the Hummel Hummel Bakery product placement on Long Island, New York. Pizza Crumb is named because it is pizza shaped. That's just what Jeff said. And served to you in a pizza box. It's still very unclear to me what a crumb, like, what? Is it a microscopic crumb served in a large pizza box?

No, no, it's full size. Size of a pizza. Okay. It didn't occur to any of you guys to take a picture of a pizza crumb and send it to me? I have a picture. All right, send, email it to me. I have a picture. Email it to me.

Okay. See if you can get it done before I finish this letter. Oh, I don't think I can do that. Unable to take this confusing and probably fictitious treat on the plane i cut it into sections and wrapped them in tinfoil i arrived with three wrapped blocks of pizza crumb two slices per block okay that's traditional first night jeff ate two slices and courtney had one next morning courtney had already left for work and before jeff left for job, he had another slice for breakfast, already consuming half the amount of pizza crumb within 15 hours of its arrival. When Courtney got home from work, I alerted her to the situation,

feeling she wouldn't get her fair share of the treat, pizza crumb, that I brought for her. I suggested hiding the remaining pieces of pizza crumb so she would be able to enjoy them, but she was apprehensive Having hid things before And Jeff getting upset about it So I proposed that I hide it on her behalf That way she wouldn't be at fault That's legally not true

She agreed You're both co-conspirators in the hiding of the pizza crumb Okay, I get the gist Well, there's some more here For the next three days I would remove the pizza crumb from my bag And Courtney would enjoy half a slice for breakfast. Afterwards, I would return it to my bag for safekeeping. On the fourth day, Saturday, the 16th of April, we left out the remaining half

slice. It was discovered by Jeff. The last of the pizza crumb was consumed by Courtney and Jeff's friend, Kevin. On another day, Courtney and I planned to go out and get dim sum. Before leaving, we asked Jeff if he would like to get him anything. He said no. Courtney asked him a second time, telling him if he wanted something. Oh, boy. Gabrielle's really going to want it. I'm going to save the dim sum for

a second. Let's just respond to the pizza crumb. Is that an accurate retelling of the events, Jeff? As far as I know, yes, Your Honor. You put this thing away. Yes, sir. You snapped this thing in half and sucked out the marrow, didn't you? as I know, yes, Your Honor. You put this thing away? Yes, sir. You snapped this thing in half and sucked out the marrow, didn't you? Yes, and then I ate the actual bones, I'd say. Were you keeping track of the various slices per tinfoil block and your share and etc.? Yes, Your Honor. I made very careful not to go over the half pizza-prone limit that

I had set for myself. Is that true? Oh, yes, sir. You realize you're under oath. You realize you're under oath. Yes. You really want me to believe that you're sitting down and you actually did count out the slices that were in these tinfoil blocks and you knew that you were going to eat a whole lot of this pizza crumb

and that you were really tallying up how many slices you ate as you went through this thing like a mad dog? Yes, Your Honor. Absolutely. I find that the half mark is very key in all fields of eating. Courtney, is this true? No, definitely not. Because he's trying to have it both ways. He's admitting that he's an insatiable glutton-like animal, but at the same time, he's fair. In this instance, he did stop at half, but I mean, he was forced to stop. In other instances, he did not eat half of the whole

quantity of food. Definitely not. You know, he's plowed through, on several occasions, two boxes of cookies in one night, where I had about five and he has about 35. It's a common problem for him. 35 cookies, Jeff? I'm not ashamed. I know I'm supposed to be, Your Honor, but no, I have no regrets. But you agree with the substance of what Courtney said, which is, in a

standard cookie-sharing situation, you will have 35 to her 5. Is that more or less true? Yes, Your Honor, but I usually obtain these cookies specifically for my eating. These are Chewy Chips Ahoy. The cookies in question, they're very small. I'd like everyone to know.

Wait a minute. Are they Chewy Chips Ahoy mini or Chewy Chips Ahoy regular? Chewy Chips Ahoy regular, but they're getting smaller every year. Yeah, yeah. I agree with him on that matter. They're much smaller than you would expect them to be. Boy, you guys know your cookies. Yes, Your Honor.

Someone brought up with me the other day something that I did not know or even consider. After many, many years, I suddenly realized that chips ahoy was a pun on ships ahoy. Oh, wow. A nautical pun. Had you ever thought of that before? No, Your Honor. You guys are arguably the chips ahoy experts. So someone out there who's listening can confirm. Is there an actual nautical saying, ships ahoy? Ships ahoy? It seems strange to me that there'd be multiple ships. It seems plausible, but I've never heard that before outside of the context of Chips Ahoy. So I would like to get a ruling on that from the hive mind as soon as possible.

But let's get back to the matter at hand. You guys love cookies. We do. All matters of treat. Yeah. Any kind of treat. Yes, Your Honor. What were the Girl Scout cookies that you were hoarding?

They were Samoas. They're good. They are. They are. But Jeff has teased me for buying these in the past. He has said that he doesn't like them. He prefers Tagalogs. Tagalongs.

Tagalongs, is that what they're called? Yeah, Tagalog is the vernacular language of the Philippines. Excuse me, Jessie. Because the one cookie is called Samoas, I'd assume there was some sort of... Yeah, you would figure they would all be named after indigenous cultures. Yeah, Pacific Island themes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because what says Girl Scouts more than that? So he prefers Tagalongs. Mm-hmm, yeah Pacific Island themed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because what says Girl Scouts more than that? So he prefers tag-alongs?

Yeah, he does. And I had purchased Samoas in the past, and he had teased me about having bought them. He often teases me about my taste in food, and it turns into a discussion about what's in here. Wait a minute. Wait. You're saying 35 Chips Ahoy is teasing you about your taste in food?

No, not with the Chips Ahoy. Oh, I'm sorry. Does that offend your sophisticated sensibilities, Chips Ahoy? Yes, Your Honor. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you're eating those pink peeps. Yellow peeps are the best peeps. All peeps are disgusting, Your Honor.

Yeah, but you'll eat a hundred of them, won't you? Yes, Your Honor. Right. Put them in hot chocolate. Is that good? I haven't tried that. I don't know. I just made it up. But, so sine pasun peep. This is a dispute about cookies and hoarding. What else is going on? You guys, where do you live?

San Francisco. San Francisco. Oh, well, no wonder you're eating all this pre-packaged garbage it's not exactly a food town is it i'm sure there are no local bakeries we're not hoarders here we're not animals your honor i mean we we do go out to dinner do you know do you know what the first time someone says to me we're not hoarders i'm going to give that to them when they follow it up with we're not animals and i'm like you've got something you want to say there's something you want to say to me, isn't there? I'm just saying, you know, we don't just eat chewy chips ahoy. No, look, I'm not here to judge your dietary choices.

I'm just here to tell you that they're wrong. Thank you, Your Honor. You're welcome. What else are you eating in your lives? Are you guys omnivores? Yes, Your Honor. All right. I just want to make sure that it's not all 35 cookies in a sitting in your life.

No, last night we went out to sushi, for example. And how much of, and Courtney, how much of the sushi did you hide? Well, I don't have to hide sushi, really, because Jeff is allergic to my seafood. Sushi is delicious, but I gotta, you know, the interesting thing about sushi is it doesn't hide well.

That's why the discussion is mostly about treats, because I can't hide food that needs to be refrigerated, meals and things, even though Jeff does typically eat more than half of that as well. All right. Now I'm going to go back to Gabrielle's letter here. She also says that on another day, Courtney and Gabrielle planned to go out, and now I'm quoting, and get dim sum. Before leaving, we asked Jeff if he would like us to get him anything. He said no. Courtney asked him a second time, telling him if he wanted something, he should let her know. Again, he said no.

When we returned, he immediately began to help himself to a pork bun. Luckily, Courtney anticipated this and brought back more food than she and I could eat. But had she listened to him and not ordered anything for him, he would have been eating her share of food. I trust with my provided testimony, you will see that Jeff is in the wrong. Jeff, is that what happened with the dim sum? I'd like to say that, you know, it's impossible to know

if she hadn't brought home extra if I would have eaten that pork bun, right? If she had just brought home enough for her and Gabrielle, I probably, I like to think, would have refrained and would have said, go ahead and eat that and I won't eat it. But she came home, she told me she got some extra and I'm going to eat that. Are you turning this into an epistemological argument? I'm just saying it's impossible to know, Your Honor. Dude, you ate somebody else's pork bun and you want to bring up epistemology with me? I'm just, I mean... That takes a lot of cookies and not small ones either. Courtney, let me ask you a question.

You guys are not from San Francisco. You're from Long Island. Yes, I am. And Gabrielle is also from Long Island. Yes, she is. And did you guys, were you guys raised in a post-apocalyptic environment where resources were extremely scarce? I did come from a family of food hiders.

I will admit that. Tell me. And I always thought it seemed petty and childish to me, and I didn't want this for my own life. But I've been forced into this behavior. It is always the abused who become the abusers. Yes. You come from a family of food hiders, really. Tell me about that. Both my mom and my dad hide food in certain places in the house.

I think it's mainly hidden from my brother, but to a degree from one another. And it's not the same as this situation where I'm hiding food that Jeff has given me sass about in the past. And I just don't want to hear this sass. But they just hide it so that no one else could eat the food that they bought. Like what kind of food does your mom hide? Candy. Mainly in her nightstand. She has a full drawer full of it.

Like what kind of candy are we talking about? Like hard candy? Like rocks? Or are we talking about like minis? It's a variety of things. Chocolates and things. But I mean, I always respected that this was her stash and that I would not go into it and eat any of it.

So I never really looked very closely. Right, or you'd get some sass if you did, I bet. I would. And what about your dad? What's he hiding? Beef jerky? Yeah, things that I don't think any of us really want to eat. Pizza crumb?

No, pizza crumb wouldn't make it long in our household. This stuff is like the ambrosia of Long Island. You know what it's like? It's like the lotuses in the parable of the lotus eaters. Like you come and you eat the pizza crumb and you never leave. I mean, if you look on Google and search how to make a pizza crumb or if you can get it off of Long Island, there are tons of Long Island expats who are all over the country trying to figure out how to get it at their own homes, but they can't. I mean, it's a maddening, haunting treat.

You're saying there's a whole web community built around pizza crumb aficionados? Not communities, but you'll find on different forums people posting about, are you aware of this treat? How do you make it? Different crumb forums? Different crumb-based forums? I've tried to make it myself on many different occasions. I actually have an entire text file on my computer of my different attempts

and what I feel I could change every time that I make it. You know how you can't make pizza crumb? It requires special equipment. Tweezers. Yeah. What food does your dad hide? Seriously.

I think chips is mainly what he hides. Yeah, potato chips. And where does he hide them? Please say a coffee can in the garage. I haven't lived with my parents in a few years now, so I don't know where he hides it now. But I think back then, usually in this area beside the couch, where he sits on the couch beside there and no one else really sat there. So he really was hiding because you didn't know where his stash was, but your mom, it was an open secret in the nightstand.

Yeah. And my dad also did something else that I disapprove of and don't want to do in my own life, which is he would write his name on foods and things like don't eat. And now you're in a relationship where you feel like you have to defend your private cache of peanut butter cups and Samoas from the monster that you thought was going to save you from all of this? Oh, I'm willing to have Jeff eat his tremendous portion of whatever I bring home. And that's fine. But I really am uncomfortable when I buy food that he makes fun of and then he eats it. What kind of food does he make fun of you for bringing home? He makes fun of the type of donuts that I buy because I like the type with like vanilla frosting and like rainbow sprinkles.

And he calls those children's donuts, but he still eats them. Even though he said that no adult should be eating those donuts. Jeff, what is a grown-up donut? It's got your standard cake donut. I feel like most adults move on to the pastry section of the donut shop. Myself, I like a chocolate croissant. If I'm going to a donut shop, I don't know. That's more sophisticated. That's more of a grown-up taste.

Well, it does have a French word in there. Chocolate croissant. You don't appreciate that you're eating like a child already? Chips Ahoy? I hadn't thought about that, Your Honor. Maybe I will regress and start ordering rainbow sprinkle donuts. I'm just saying they're all the same kind.

Do you understand what I'm saying? They're all for children. All of this food is for children. What are your ages? I'm 23. 23 and 25. How long have you been together? Two years.

Two years. How long have you lived together? Those two years. That's what I was talking about. I guess two years otherwise. You just met in the house that you accidentally shared? Yes, Your Honor. Oh, hello.

Crowded City, San Francisco. I noticed that you're packing that secret hidey hole full of gummy bears. Would you like to go out? All right. I think I have everything I need to make a ruling. I will go into my snack chamber and pound through a 10-pound bag of combos, and then I'll come back out and let you know what I'm thinking.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Jeffrey, you brought this case, but you've now been accused of stealing treats. How do you feel about that accusation, and how do you feel about your chances? Well, I can't really steal stuff that's in the house. You know, if I bring something home, Courtney's welcome to it. And I feel like if she brings something home, unless she says otherwise, I'm welcome to it. I don't think of myself as a treat stealer.

Courtney, do you think you've got a shot in this case? I like to think so. I don't know if I was able to communicate every part of my argument against Jeff, such as the fact that when I ask him if he wants treats, most of the time he says he doesn't, especially when I'm doing the grocery shopping. And then when I get the treats, of course, he eats the majority of them. Courtney, the two of you live in San Francisco. You can just go to the grocery store and buy as many Itzits as you want to. Itzits, of course, being the signature San Francisco ice cream treat.

Why wouldn't you just buy a lot of Itzits and eat nothing but those? I'm not from the Bay Area, so I'm actually not familiar with all of the wonderful treats that San Francisco has to offer. And Jeff, of course, is now bringing them home for me. Can we talk about burritos for a while? Oh, yes. I've got to get out of Los Angeles, you guys. They've got a burrito next to our apartment where they put French fries inside it. Oh, man, it's so good.

Oh, that's nonsense. You've embarrassed yourself. You've embarrassed yourself. Please rise as Judge John Hodgkin re-enters the courtroom Normally I spend some time in my chambers And try to come up with You know, some sort of

Articulate and interesting and inspiring Little talk that will weave All of the different arguments we've had together And then we just sort of leave it there But sometimes I just need to yell at some people Come on you guys, stop it First of all, Jeff, I'm going to yell at you Don't get into some sort of leave it there. But sometimes I just need to yell at some people. Come on, you guys. Stop it. First of all, Jeff, I'm going to yell at you. Don't get into some sort of philosophical argument. If someone asks you if you want a pork bun and you say no, guess what? You don't get a pork bun. Stop it. Next. Courtney, don't hide things. You don't want to be going

around saying to people, I hide candy in my relationship. That says a lot of things about you that I don't think are true. You seem like a well, a well balanced, nice person. And if you are hiding candy in your nightstand, even if it was a one time thing, even if it's to defend yourself against the ravenous wolf that lives in your house, that is saying something. I think you know that that's saying something about you that you don't want to say in among friends or even on a podcast. There are two issues here. One is you're hiding food in a relationship where you guys are supposedly you're cohabitating. And therefore you are supposedly gearing up for the the sharing 5050 of all things that is what a cohabitating long-term relationship, and maybe even beyond that, will end up being, right?

You don't want to introduce deceit and weird candy hoarding tactics in order to protect your stuff. And two, you don't want to keep food in your nightstand. I think you know when someone just says it to you out loud, when you say it to out loud, that that's not okay. You know, you know, because your mom did it, and I'm sure your mom is a wonderful mom. But that's, you know, I generally feel that there should be no food in the bedroom at all. That's not what the bedroom is for. But certainly, I think caches of food in your nightstand is staking a claim in a lifestyle of indolence that you don't, you're too young to make that a part of your life. Jeff, back to you.

Don't be making fun of anybody's donuts. First of all, it's not a gracious thing to do as a partner in a relationship. Second of all, you can't be throwing donuts when you live in a house full of Chips Ahoy. That's crazy. If you are eating that junk, you have no leg to stand on criticizing other people's food choices.

You can't like tagalongs and hate Samoas. They're of the same beast. Now, my ruling is no more hiding. And, Jeff, a modicum of self-control, please. I'll do my best, Your Honor. I want you to go easy on the pizza crumb. I want you to go easy on the chips ahoy. I don't want you to be forcing Courtney into a situation where she has to defend her treats.

Because once you start eating food in secrecy, then you start eating worse food in worse ways. I want you guys to be around for a while. I want you guys to enjoy life. And I want you guys to enjoy the bounty of the amazing food city in which you live. And so therefore, the sentence is no more treats at home for three months. You must go out of the house to get the treats and eat them in the best disinfectant possible sunlight. If that means going to the grocery store and buying a big bag of chips ahoy and sitting on a park bench and eating chips ahoy, then you will endure the shame that you deserve for doing exactly that. If that

means going out into the world and discovering an amazing bakery in San Francisco and having a treat with a cup of coffee and living your life in moderation, that's even better. But I think you guys need to get out of the house and out of the habit of hoarding and hiding and fighting over pizza crumbs in this domestic hellhole that you're creating for yourselves. And then after three months, you can come back and I think things will be normalized a little bit. This is the sound of a peep. Judge Johnodgman rules that is all please rise as judge john hodgman exits the courtroom jeffrey how are you feeling about this case um well you know i feel like i didn't really get what i was looking for no you didn't you lost the case jeff oh i just i

just want to clarify i just realized as i as I signed off there that I wasn't exactly clear. You lost. Courtney wins. You're both punished. Okay. Okay. That's one of those cases. And I say that with adoration to the both of you.

Thank you. Thank you. Jeffrey, Courtney, the two of you live in San Francisco. And as I understand it from the documents you provided, you live in the sunset in San Francisco? Yes. Would you consider perhaps visiting the Shanghai Dumpling King at 34th and Balboa for one of the most delicious treats that San Francisco has to offer, specifically dumpling that somehow contains soup inside of it? Absolutely. Would you consider visiting

Mitchell's Ice Cream? That's 29th and San Jose, if I remember correctly. They offer, among other delicious flavors of ice cream, Ube, the purple tropical yam. We'll be there. Sounds like I've made a big difference

in your lives. Congratulations to me. Yeah, no, I kind of want to sentence you, Jesse, to a weekend trip to San Francisco to give these guys a big difference in your lives. Congratulations to me. Yeah, no, I kind of want to sentence you, Jesse, to a weekend trip to San Francisco to give these guys a treat tour of the bay, and then I hope you'll be able to bring back for both of us some pizza crumb. Maybe you can

serve it to me on a little fingernail. Well, Courtney, Jeffrey, thank you for being on the Judge Sean Hodgman Podcast. Thank you. Thank you. It's the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. We have now retired to chambers. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Oh, Jesse, sorry, you caught me eating seven pounds of cubed jalapeno cheese. You do love to snack. I do. I do. I'm going to make some pimento cheese later on, too. Well, listen, we have a lot of cases on the docket that have to do with food and food etiquette.

If you want to clear a couple out, we can. Yes, let's consume them. Here's one from Eric. He says, perhaps Judge John Hodgman could settle a dispute I have with my wife. I certainly can. While she eats sunflower seeds in the correct eat the seed, not the shell manner, she insists on porting that behavior to pumpkin seeds, which is infuriating to watch. Even though the bags of pumpkin seeds

clearly state that the shell is edible, she methodically cracks the shell open and eats only the virtually two-dimensional seed. I could let this slide if she didn't also adopt the same sort of behavior with pomegranates. The pomegranate is already difficult to get into and eat, and then she maintains that you put the pips in your mouth, you chew and suck off the juicy part and spit out the white part. Again, the literature that accompanies the fruit clearly states that the whole pip is to be eaten. Who's right, Judge Hodgman?

Well, with regard to the pomegranate, Eric is wrong. The wife is right. I've never seen the literature that suggested you eat the whole pip, and certainly I was raised where you suck off the fruit part and then spit out the pithy pip, which is disgusting. So that is why you would do it differently, because it's correct. But in general, and specifically with regard to pumpkin seeds and in general i would say my ruling is eric stop watching your wife eat seeds with anger because your marriage will not last very long just watch sitting i just picture the two of you she's just having a snack and you're watching her chew seeds seethingly in silence and i think that that's just not going

to carry you guys through to the many happy years that I'd like you to have with each other. So I would just ignore it if I were you. I have one non food related issue that I'd like to bring up. Judge Hodgman. Good. I am in receipt of a tweet that was not directed to me. It was directed to you from one Jake Tapper,

ABC news, senior white house correspondent right jake tapper has written to you asking if you need a bailiff on the judge john hodgman podcast i'm hurt i'm offended and i'm prone to fits of violence why are you taking this out on me didn't you see the tweet that i wrote back to Jake Tapper? I did. You, to your credit, wrote back that you have an able bailiff. Right. That doesn't mean that I'm not cross with Jake Tapper.

Well, do you know him? No, and apparently he doesn't know me. And apparently he doesn't know this podcast, because he would know if he listened to it that I have a bailiff. But apparently he is an avid hobbyist bailiff. Well, Tapper, just know that you're on thin ice. You know what I think? Thin ice.

One of my watchwords in the Judge John Hodgman podcast is watch what you wish for. Watch out for what you wish is the other way I put it. And I think we ought to give Jake Tapper a chance. I think we ought to let him come in and bail if one of these things so he can see it's not that easy. I mean, sure, you can go on television and ask the president a bunch of dumb questions. But can you come in and help run the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast? I doubt it. So I'm putting a challenge, a bailiff challenge out to Jake Tapper.

I bet you can't come in here and out bailiff Jesse Thorne. No one can out bailiff Jesse Thorne. I'd like to see you try, Jake. Twitter me and let me know if you accept the challenge and we'll find a time to do it. There it is. And you know what? Jake Tapper, let's see what you've got. Right.

And Jesse, if he's better than you, then, you know. I'll step away. Yeah. We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support this show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Matt Gourley. His great podcast, by the way, is called Super Ego.

You can find it in iTunes or online at gosuperego.com. You can find John Hodgman online at areasofmyexpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure and include your telephone number. The email address is hodgman at maximumfund.org. If you have thoughts about the show, you can always comment on it on our message board, forum.maximumfund.org. We'll see you online and next time right here

on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.