Judge John Hodgman - The Hard of Hearing

Episode Date: October 14, 2015

Reed's dad Bruce has suffered some hearing loss - must he try hearing aids? How about an ear trumpet? Find out when Judge John Hodgman rules!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the heart of hearing. Reed files suit against his dad, Bruce, whose hearing isn't as good as it used to be. Bruce doesn't want to get hearing aids. Reed says he should at least try them out. Who's right? Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents the obscure cultural reference. Oh, I'm acting the goat. I'm acting the goat, am I? This, well, this is too much. I demand an apology. You have no right to say such a thing. Acting the goat. You dare say such a thing to me? You follow me. I'll show you just how I act the goat, slaving for months, nonstop, working myself to the bone, all to hear myself called a goat. It's too much. And I suppose these people are acting the goat and the atomic pile never stopping, the uranium being made,

the laboratories working day and night. That's all acting the goat too, I suppose, for months. Teams of experts have been worked to death, acting the goat, of course. Come on, sit down there and don't argue. We're leaving. Make way for the goat. No, stop. We're here. Well, what do you think of that? Look what the goat created. Bailiff Jesse, swear them in.

Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? Yes, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, which is binding, despite the fact that he's not planning on listening to you during the course of this entire hearing, despite perfect ear health? I do. Very well. Judge Hodgman? Welcome back, Bailiff Jesse. It's been a while. Thank you. I hope you've been well. I was well until Paul F. Tompkins replaced me. Oh, no.

In which case, I had that realization that anyone who's ever had Paul F. Tompkins fill in for them in anything has had, which is that I am completely superfluous and probably the worst choice in the world to do my job. Oh, I know. I've been doing for four years. I know. I know how you feel. Even now as I speak to you in the cadences of Paul F. Tompkins, there is no mustache comedian more superfluous than when it comes to Paul F. Tompkins than I. I might as well.

I should just pack it in. Maybe we should just have, like, you know how they say that the information economy is creating a class of people who are put out of work by the rise of robots and software. And so we have to restructure the economy in order to accommodate the fact that, you know, all those people are put out of work by late period capitalism. My theory is maybe we should just put Paul F. Tompkins in charge of most things. And then the rest of us, we can just be in charge of, you know, Mai Tais or whatever. I'm ready to be part of the Mai Tai division with you for sure. By the way, Paul F. Tompkins is in charge of making the Mai Tais because I bet he makes an amazing Mai Tai.

I bet he does. And also thanks to guest bailiffs, Gene Gray, also remarkable. Yeah. And our good time summertime bailiff all summer long, Mr. Monty Belmonte of WRSI, the River of Chessie. It's been a while since we've had you back in the fake courtroom. You've been very busy. A lot's happened since you were gone. You may know it is now legal to sing the birthday song out loud in public without paying as cap or whatever it was.

Like this? Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us. I think this is the official fifth birthday. I think the fifth birthday. Roughly fifth birthday of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Good job. By the way, it's only legal to sing the birthday song now if you are incapable of carrying a tune, which is why I'm allowed to sing. And as Jonathan Colton has so often pointed out, only if you insist on drawing it out to a deathly dirge.

Judge John Hodgman is back in the New York Times magazine as a birthday gift, I think, to the podcast. You can check it out there every week in the bottom right-hand corner of The Ethicist. And I've been on tour with dates all over the country and dates coming up in Orlando and North Carolina and Athens, Ohio. And it has been great to meet Judge John Hodgman, listeners on the roads of USA and Canada, including the original Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage couple. Jesse, I met them in person at a Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage. Well, I think I might be able to beat you, Judge Hodgman. I was at Radio Days in Stockholm, Sweden, and a man came up to me and said, Jesse Thorne, shut your pie hole. Oh, that's nice.

That was very nice. As I stood on the steps of the Queen West Pizza Pizza, which is a Canadian house of pizza and garbage franchise, greeting the fans who had come to my wonderful show in Toronto, and I briefly blocked a man, a Canadian man, as he was entering. And I sort of chuckled. And he went in, and then he turned around and he said, Do you think I'm a joke?

And I really had to defeat him. He really wanted to punch me. And that was one of three times I was almost assaulted on the streets of Toronto friendly Canada my bum now yeah it's a violent culture on the culture of violence not enough fathers on to the obscure popular culture as opposed to the equally obscure violent culture of Canada the obscure popular cultural reference uh before we go on uh I was informed by two listeners, both named Paul, Paul Jennings and Carol, that I've been doing everything wrong again for the past many episodes. When I offer the chance to win an immediate summary judgment by naming the piece of culture that I referenced, I, I've typically given first crack at it to the person who brings the case, AKA the, the applicant.

Now one could argue and Paul and Paul did that this is an unfair benefit to the applicant. Then indeed the first guest should go instead to the respondent as he or she is the one being dragged into this trial by combat against their will in the first place and initially i thought yes i am wrong and i really felt bad about it but then as i was preparing for today i realized wait a minute paul and paul i'm right i was right all along because yes, the respondent, the respondent does deserve a benefit, but hearing a guess right or wrong from the other person is arguably a benefit. It might help the respondent eliminate guesses or tip him or her in the right direction because I don't announce who's correct until I hear both answers and two correct answers would cancel each other out.

Okay. So you're wrong. I'm right, Paul and Paul. But from now on, I will let the respondent choose who guesses first. In other words, Bruce, you're the respondent in this. Your son has drug you into court. Fake internet court. and choose whether you guess first or read your son guesses first for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors can either of you guess the piece of popular culture the little embittered monologue that i gave as i entered the courtroom bruce do you want to take a guess now or do you want to say yes okay go i believe that that quote came from the Vermont Cheese Farmers Journal. Okay. Now, I'm not going to say whether that is right or wrong.

We don't want to give an unfair advantage to either side here. You said it with such authority, Bruce, that I thought for— I actually quaked for a moment. I thought, uh-oh, he knows it. And maybe he did. So will the plaintiff. Now, Reed, as the plaintiff, as the applicant, now your chance to guess. Can you guess the source of the little monologue that I gave as I entered the courtroom? that I gave as I entered the courtroom?

Sounds like a cartoon from prior to my birth, but I couldn't give any guess, although to say that my father is probably incorrect. When were you born? Was it before? 77. Yeah, not 1953? 1953, no, I was just a dream.

All guesses are wrong! All guesses are wrong, I was just a dream. All guesses are wrong! All guesses are wrong, I'm glad to say. When I heard that Reed believed that his father required hearing aid in the form of a hearing aid, and that his father is hard of hearing to the annoyance of his family around him, I immediately knew what I was going to use as the cultural reference. And I'm sure there are not a few Judge John Hodgman listeners out there who joined me in knowing that reference. That, of course, being the character Cuthbert Calculus, Professor Calculus from the long series of Tintin Adventures by Hergé,

the British boy journalist who lives alone in a house with a drunken sailor. And Cuthbert Calculus, of course, is their scientist friend, their genius scientist friend, who is deaf and, as many people do, refuses to acknowledge that he is deaf and is constantly a source of hilarity. And then Captain Haddock, the drunken sailor, yells at him and bullies him. And this happens so often in the books that you as a reader come to think of Calculus as a buffoon. And just like Haddock, you forget that he's a genius. And in this one book, Destination Moon, oh my God, it was so incredible.

One book, Destination Moon, Calculus is forced to use a hearing aid because he's helping to design an atomic rocket that is going to take them to the moon and so calculus hears now for the first time his friend accusing him of acting the goat that is being a fool and calculus goes into a rage and sees fit to remind him and us that he is smart that science works that he has led a huge facility that has built a rocket to go to the moon whereas haddock is a drunken sailor and the fury felt by calculus here i've never forgotten it it's fueled not just by righteousness but by betrayal he realizes that all this time one of his closest friends someone he thought was only saying good things about him was actually insulting him to his face and the shame haddock feels as he realizes that calculus now knows that he's a terrible bully is palpable it's worth reading

destination moon is one of my favorite uh uh uh explorers on the moon is too scary and this is one is worth reading especially since it has very few racist depictions unlike some of the other Tintin books. So there you go. Your Honor? Yes? I would just like to tell you that that was my second guess. I don't believe you, Bruce. You may be seated. Yeah, so far Bruce can really shut his pie hole.

Oh, just like a Swedish man said, told you to do. Oh, that would be, uh, uh, Bruce can really shut his pie hole yeah another way that we alienate another way i speak swedish oh wow we just got getting worse and worse we just got our pie holes shut of the legacy of weird dads that have been on the show and i count myself one of them bruce you are already in the lead for top five. Thank you. Gentlemen, Reid, you bring the case against your father. You believe he needs a hearing aid

and you want me to order him to get one. Is that correct? I would like you to order him to try one. And if it pans out negatively, then he doesn't need to continue with it. But I would like him to at least try one. Would you say that one of the best ways to try one is to get one? Maybe borrow one? Yeah, I mean, that seems a little gross, honestly. I think what Reed is trying to say is that he doesn't want me to order that his father be forced to wear a hearing aid against his will and have it super glued into his ear canal,

but that he should at least give it a try. Do I speak rightly there, Reed? You're correct. All right. And what makes you feel that your father needs a hearing aid? How old are you? How old is your father? I know you told me that you were born in 1977,

but this could be any year now, because this is a timeless podcast that will be listened to for millennia. In that case, my answer will change over time as well. At this frozen moment in time, when we're all here together. I'm 37, and my father is some years older than me. If he wants to share that, he's fine. I'm 69. 69 years old.

Sounds like he could hear you from across the room there, Reed. Yes. Seems to be following what's going on. Oh, man, that was one of the best in Judge John Hodgman history. This is a podcast made up of subtle gestures and small sounds. So, yes, I think that in the right circumstances, his hearing is sufficient. However, there's a large amount of evidence that in other situations he could use some aid. And we will go over the evidence in a moment.

But in general, you feel that his lack of hearing or his deteriorating hearing is affecting his life adversely? I don't know about his life, but us, the rest of us around him, I don't know if he is very aware of it. Okay. Bruce? Bruce, can you hear me? I can. All right.

You just heard, I suppose, your son, Reed, telling telling you that in his opinion, your deteriorating hearing is driving him crazy and that you should try a hearing aid. Why is this unfair? I would say, first of all, that aesthetically, I am unhappy wearing hearing aid. wearing hearing aid. And second of all, I think that the idea of inserting a hearing aid into my ear will be extremely uncomfortable. Do you disagree on the fundamental point that your hearing has deteriorated? About three years ago, I was visiting my son-in-law in Georgia, I was visiting my son-in-law in Georgia, and we went trap shooting. And unfortunately, since I didn't have my normal ear protection system, I had to use a primitive one that they had available. And I developed tinnitus after that. And, you know, it's improved somewhat, but I would have to admit that my ability to hear has been affected slightly, particularly when I'm in rooms where there's other noise occurring. For those of you listening along at home and you don't know, trap shooting is a rifle sport where you go out and you shoot a bunch of traps, trap doors, Burmese tiger traps, nets that are about to fall.

You just hate traps and you shoot them. Rhetorical traps that might be laid for you by a skilled debate team. Exactly. So no, it's a, it's shooting at, at, at clay discs, clay pigeons, right. And they go, and, and the difference between trap shooting trap and shooting skeet is what Bruce? And the difference between shooting trap and shooting skeet is what, Bruce? There's a difference in terms of how the targets are thrown into the air.

One of them has a machine that just shoots them up in the air. And the other one, you go from place to place, usually in a golf cart. And at each place that you go, this is called sporting clays. And at each place that you go, that's what we actually did. It wasn't actually trap shooting. You go in a golf cart and you go from place to place on this property. And in one place, the target might fly from the top left to the bottom. In another location, it might jump along the ground like a rabbit. So we actually, I actually didn't do trap shooting because I didn't think people would know what sporting clays were but now that you asked i've explained it's a it's a it's target shooting is there a difference between shooting skeet and shooting trap or is that just a regionalism of

some they're basically the same thing okay gotcha so uh it's target shooting with uh with uh shotguns and i've done it and i've enjoyed it and i've worn proper ear protection i did not get tinnitus tinnitus of course is a persistent ringing of the ears. And also, as you describe, can cause a change in your hearing perception. Have you seen a doctor about the tinnitus? Yes. I went to. You saw him, but you didn't hear him?

I barely heard him. See, that's me. That's me. Weird dad in training. That's my joke. See, that's me. That's me, weird dad in training. That's my joke. Well, I did. I went to UCLA to an ENT specialist, and I had a hearing test, and he examined me and tried to give me... Reed, do you remember what the medication was?

Necrozine, maybe? No. remember what the medication was um maybe no it's a a drug that you use like if you have if you well i forgot what it is uh i can't remember now but he put me on a drug for a while now it was a uh a steroid that he put me on prednisone prednisone that's what it was he put me on prednisone for two weeks because he thought that might help, but it didn't. And I did have a hearing test, and the hearing test showed a moderate hearing loss in the range of human speech, unfortunately. So you have difficulty making out human speech from time to time? Especially if there's noise in the background.

I see. And did the ENT suggest that you consider a hearing aid? He suggested that it would be something I should consider. Well, that was a very apt rephrasing of my question. I did consider. Your Honor, the subject of questioning here is a professional therapist And thus his greatest professional skill is rephrasing things that you just said Is that true, Bruce? Are you a professional therapist?

I'm a clinical psychologist You are a clinical psychologist And my son, to be open and honest about it, is a neurologist I see, all right And so you are both doctors of different kinds And my son, to be open and honest about it, is a neurologist. I see. All right. And so you are both doctors of different kinds. Yes.

Very good. Judge, may I have a quick sidebar on the subject of prednisone? I'll allow it. Bruce, after you took two weeks of prednisone, how did you feel? No different. Really? Really. You know, listeners to this show know that I am a failing human being who occasionally has to take a moment to cough phlegm. A persistent phlegmy cough has been part

of my life for the past several years. It's apparently totally benign, no problems, but I would like it to not happen because it is embarrassing and sickly. And my doctor once said, well, we could, you know, it's an inflammation issue. We could try you on some prednisone. And I said, okay. So I took the prednisone and I took it for about two weeks and my gosh, Bruce, I felt like I could fly. I was, I could breathe as a chronic asthmatic my entire life. I could breathe like I had never breathed before I was smelling things around corners. I felt fantastic And and not only that but I occasionally was having bouts of uh euphoria

And I described these to my doctor. He said maybe we should take you off and i'm like, no. No, it's good I like it and he's like well Uh, there are some side effects and when i looked up the side effects of long-term prednisone use there are many many many side effects including uh rapid weight gain and other and other deleterious side effects but the one the one that made me throw my main the remnants of my prescription right away was fat pads on neck and shoulder. That's a dowager's hump, they call it. A dowager's hump.

Because, because, because why? Because widows love prednisone? All these widows be juicing. Oh, fat pads on neck and shoulders it was the it's truly one of the most disgusting array of words that i've ever heard in the english language i think also buffalo hump is used uh well i like dow i like dow or juice hump a lot i was not i would rather i would rather cough my lungs up on the judge john hodg, a non-visual medium, than know that I was walking around with a Dowager's hump. Anyway, good for you, Bruce, for giving up the prednisone.

But maybe not so good if you are living with a disability. How has your hearing loss affected your professional conduct as a clinical psychologist? I would say it's had a minor impact. Usually, because in my office it's very quiet and it's just one person speaking at a time, it doesn't affect me much. But there are times when I do have to put my hand over by my ear in order to hear some of the things that are being said. That's the only way in which it's affected my practice.

Very, I would say, minor. It's more of an effect and more of an impact in my everyday life. Like if I go to a restaurant with people and there's a lot of noise in the restaurant, I have trouble, a lot of trouble hearing what the other people I'm with are saying. And does this include your son? Yes. Well, why do you want to hear what he has to say? Well, if he's going to attack me like he is on this show, I certainly don't.

I mean, to be honest, Judge, the evidence suggests that he doesn't want to hear what he has to say. The reason we're here. The reason we're here is that he hears what his son has to say and doesn't like it, so maybe the whole case should be thrown out. Frankly, I would think that loss of hearing in your psychological practice would be a benefit because then you don't have to listen to what those dum-dums have to say because you know what to tell them. Go stop fighting.

Anyway, Reed, what is the experience like of living with your father since he shot his ear off with a shotgun or whatever it is he did? I should point out that this hearing loss of his preceded the incident in question, although it was probably worsened by that event that he described. And what evidence do you have that it preceded this incident? Probably for many years now, he calls my mom Mumbles. Oh. Is that her given name? It is not.

But is it her surname? Is your mother's first name Mumblina? Yes, it's a... Does she have a Dowager's hump? I should clarify also that the Dowager's hump and buffalo hump, while both complications of steroid use are related to different etiologies, the buffalo hump is the collection of fat. The Dowager's hump occurs from osteoporosis, which causes bone fractures and, therefore, a postural change.

All right. I'm glad we clarified that. Yes. In any case, yes. But he refers to my mom as mumbles, even when the rest of us are around and hearing her perfectly fine. I object. So, Bruce, you—I'll allow it. What is the basis for your objection?

Well, because the plaintiff did not mention the very infrequent number of times that this has occurred. Is Mumble, what is your wife's name? Do you know? Yes, her name is Helene. And do you refer to her as mumbles? Perhaps on one or two occasions I might have used that descriptive term. And why? Because it appears to me that she's mumbling. It appears to you. But is she mumbling, Reed, or no? I don't believe so. And the article which I sent you from the Cleveland

Clinic states, one of the first signs of significant hearing loss is that other people are constantly complaining that other people are mumbling. So this is the Cleveland Clinic hearing loss guide that you sent to me. You may notice a number of early warning signs and changes in your behavior that may be related to hearing loss, Bruce. You may begin to complain that people are mumbling. And not only do you complain that they're mumbling, but you give them derogatory nicknames and are cruel to them. What other evidence do you provide, Reid? So often I'll call his house or my parents house and if i call from a cell phone he

essentially can't hear anything and then demands that i call him from a copper wire bruce do you use the term copper wire to stand in for a landline telephone yes i do good and i and i would like to comment on this if I might. Oh, I don't doubt you would might like that. Stand by. First of all, but I may need to obviate your need for comment because, first of all, calling a landline a copper wire is the best. This is why you're in the top five of weird dads. Now I will allow your comment, and I bet I'll agree with it. I would like to just, since he apparently presented some evidence, I'm going to read to you from Consumer's Reports, April 30th, 2014.

And here's what it says. I'll just make this very brief. It says, in our tests, voice quality for talking and listening on cordless home phones were generally much better than that of the best cell phones important if you suffer from a hearing loss your household is noisy or if you spend a lot of time on the phone especially in a home office and i would also like to quote from a very credible source fox news uh an article entitled sorry cell phone why landlines still rock and here's what it says you know bruce bruce bruce bruce i'm gonna stop you right there because you're basically entering evidence documentary evidence that the sky is blue that the sun shines and the third man is a good movie everyone agrees the cell phone talking on a cell phone is terrible. What's really important is that landlines rock.

Well, this is how Fox News has juiced up news coverage in order to attract younger viewers. That's right, like me. Yeah, I throw out this piece of evidence, Reed, because A, calling a landline a copper wire rocks, and B, no one can hear anything on a cell phone so that means nothing do you have any other evidence sorry cell phone even when calling him on the copper wire if my mother is on a different extension in the house and they're both talking to me typically the experience will be that he'll say all right i can't hear a thing you're saying you're mumbling uh when your mother gets off the phone, I'll talk to you then. He's now accusing you of being

Mumbles Jr. I'm not going to deny that I've said that. All right. Any other evidence? Mm hmm. He this past past year, he had my aunt and uncle over and stayed with my parents at their home. And they complained that my father had the TV in their bedroom too loud. In their bedroom? In my parents' bedroom. Okay. My father had his TV on too loud. Your dad and Mumbles were watching Lake with Stephen Colbert.

Yes. And it was too loud? It was too loud. And my father responded by telling them that that was the appropriate volume. And he put a fan in their room so that they wouldn't have to hear it. Let me ask you this question. This is really important. Two questions.

One, you say you're aunt and uncle. Is this your father's sister or brother? No, it's my mother's brother. In-laws. Yes. Now, I want you to remember this very carefully. Was the fan a box fan, and did he put it in a closed room and shut the door? Did he put it in their room and shut the door?

You think that they might be afraid of being killed? Yeah, I think he was trying to murder them. Yeah, I think he was using German-Korean wind devils to murder them. Bruce, were you using German and or Korean wind devils in a box van to murder them? It was a tower van. Was the door closed? I make sure to close the door yes you made sure that they're damned with his own words those those portions of the question which he chose to answer are very telling indeed uh all right well it's hard to distinguish whether or not this is evidence of hearing loss or just him trying to drive his in-laws crazy.

Any other evidence? Yes. When we go to watch a movie or on television shows, often he can't understand what the characters are saying. I think that's hearsay. Hearsay. What? No, it's not hearsay. He was there. Oh, sorry. Boy, oh, boy.

Particularly if it's a foreign accent, like in Game of Thrones or in Downton Abbey, which are shows I think he would enjoy, he cannot watch them because apparently all the characters mumble. Is his favorite character from Downton Abbey the Dowager Countess? Because of her witticism slash hump. All right, Bruce,

you've heard the evidence laid before you. Reed, how does it make you feel? You obviously live not far from your father. You obviously have affection for him and your mother mumbles. And you obviously like to socialize, talk with him on the phone, etc. Can you give your father a sense of how this makes you feel when you are accused of mumbling when you are not or when you are in a movie theater and he can't hear a thing and complains.

What is the adverse effect upon you and your relationship with your father? I think he misses out on some opportunities. No, I want you to say it to your dad. Say father, Dr. Father. Dr. Father, I think that you miss out on the chance to participate in some activities fully because you don't always hear the things that are being said either by us or by third parties. I would have you remember when I was a child and my uncle Seymour was very hard of hearing and we would dread having to be put on the phone with him because he couldn't hear anything and we would have to yell repeatedly.

There was no conversation. I certainly don't want you to end up in a situation like that where your non-existent grandchildren aren't speaking to you. Bruce, who is Uncle Seymour? He was my mother's brother. I see. And his most common comment when you spoke to him was, pardon. And was he someone who acknowledged that he had poor hearing?

I would say that he did. And he did have hearing aids. And he did. Bruce, here's another question with regard to the evidence laid before you. Are you enjoying this on some level? Like telling your brother and sister-in-law to shut up and put a box fan in their room and getting out of conference calls with your wife and your son by saying,

I can't hear either of you. Do you enjoy, as many weird dads have admitted to over the course of the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast, to poking your family a little bit with a stick for your own amusement? No, I will not admit that. All right. You will not admit it or it is not true?

I'm not going to admit such thing. All right. Reid, what does your mother think about all of this? Because we haven't really heard from her unless she's on the line and she's just been mumbling this whole time and I haven't heard her. I think she agrees with us, but she's very shy. I understand. I think she agrees with us, but she's very shy.

I understand. And is there, with regard to a hearing aid, do I understand correctly, Bruce, you've never tried one? Well, here is something that I don't know that my son is aware of. A few weeks ago, I wrote to a company called Eargo that makes hearing aids. And they had an offer and they sent me two hearing aids without the electronics in them. And you stick them into your ears so you can see what it feels like. And I have them right in front of me. And I put them in my ear.

And they were very uncomfortable and i couldn't tolerate having them and i took them out after about two minutes and just i was a little concerned that you guys were uh buzz marketing eargo you were eargo plants on the podcast but now that now that the the the message is these are terrible things to have in my ear no i didn't i didn't like them at. I can now say that I am now looking at the Eargo website, and this does look like it is positioning itself to be the iPhone of hearing aids. It's all very sleek and designed,

but the Eargo itself looks like some combination of a weird fly fishing lure with extra, extra little, uh, uh, latex tendrils coming out of it. And those tendrils are supposed to be what holds it into your ear. Right.

And so it looks like a combination of fly fishing lure and that thing they put in Chekhov's ear in wrath of Khan, Star Trek to the wrath of Khan. So it looks like that they rather than and no offense your product may be great because no one doubts that bruce is a cantankerous opinionated man with just one opinion but uh these things look scary to me but you were uncomfortable but you did not they didn't you tried them on without the benefit of the electronics. Correct.

They were not. Whose phone is that? That's mine. Yes. It's off now. Ah, it's so loud. Case closed. Turn it off.

He can't hear that. Excuse him. It's so loud. Is your phone reader always so loud? Well, I do have noise-canceling headphones on for this podcast. This is like when Robert Reed and the Brady Bunch, the dad, threw down the attache case during the court case. Ah, it's going again. Proof positive right here in the court.

That was the most dramatic moment in Judge John Hodgman history. You just lost this case, Bruce. You just lost it so loud. Reed, with regard to hearing aids, is there a cost issue?

I mean, because hearing aids can be pretty expensive. Really good ones can get up in the thousands of dollars. Is that a factor here? Do you think, is there an insurance will cover it or not? I would, I would be willing to forego some of my inheritance to have him get whatever he likes. Let me, let me put it this way. Are you willing to pay for them out of your own pocket?

You're a neurologist. Yes, that's fine. All right. One last question, Bruce, before I go to make my decision in my silent room. You mentioned you do not aesthetically like hearing aids. Yes. What do you think? What are you going to go out there and pick up a lot of young women?

Come on, dude. What do you have? What are you going to go out there and pick up a lot of young women? Come on, dude. What do you have, super beautiful ears? Well. You think you and your ears are going to go out on the town? You're a grown man. You and your two wingmen, beautiful ear one and beautiful ear two? When you put these things in your ears, there's a little sort of nylon piece that comes out so that you can pull it out.

All right, that's enough. I've heard enough. I'm going into my chambers to make my decision. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Bruce, so if your ENT suggested that you consider having a hearing aid, why did you decide to ignore his suggestion? I wouldn't say that he suggested that I have a hearing aid. What he did was say that it was something that I could consider.

But you discarded it because your ears are so beautiful. Well, I ignored his suggestion of two reasons. First, because I didn't care for the aesthetic look of having nylon pieces sticking out of my ears. And second of all, because then, after I was pressured into this by my son, I contacted this company and had these sample hearing aids sent to me, and I didn't like the way they felt. Do you think there are other types of hearing aids or just the one? No, there are other types, but they all have to go in your ear. Reed, why do you keep hassling your dad?

He's an old man, clearly. We can tell. He's grumpy. He doesn't really want to listen to dad? He's an old man. Clearly, we can tell. He's grumpy. He doesn't really want to listen to people. He calls everyone mumbles. We would like to enjoy the time that we have left with him as much as possible and be able to share with him his thoughts. And when the time comes, you'll close his bedroom door and turn on the box fan and let the demons do their work. Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about this case when we come back in just a second.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week

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That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. So I had my hearing test some time ago, a couple years ago, and I was told that I had perfect hearing. I had the hearing of a five-year-old child. And that was why I was able to hear through the thick, padded, insulated walls of my chambers. Dr. Bruce starting to say to Jesse,

I don't think this is really about the hearing aid. And before I give my verdict and my sentence, Dr. Bruce, I'd like to let you express your feelings there. It sounds like you found a crux to this matter that you would like to present. Is there something else going on here? I think this is about trying to control me. And you're a free bird.

That's correct. They want to stick devices in my ears against my will. Oh, that was awesome. You're awesome. Well, I'm glad that you

had that chance to speak, Bruce, because it has given a rather dystopian gloss to this entire proceeding that I enjoy very much and did not know was there. Obviously, lively, intelligent, and independent weird dads attempt to control and constrain their weirdness for reasons of their own as a kind of maturation ritual. Now it's my turn to tell dad what to do. And the court is always sensitive to that kind of filial manipulation. But I think the evidence is pretty compelling, Bruce, that you are, I mean, you acknowledge that you are suffering from some minor hearing loss in both ears. You have a doctor who has you acknowledge that you are suffering from some minor hearing loss in both ears. You have a doctor who has acknowledged this,

who has looked at your ears and go, yep, there's a problem. Here's a way you could solve the problem. You've chosen to reject that problem for aesthetic reasons. And that there you do not dispute that this causes some problems in your life in terms of hearing your family on, uh, on the telephone when you're all talking on the telephone together, particularly in,

in all kinds of situations like that, where they're competing noises in your world that make it hard for you to distinguish between them. And, and, and the question before this court and really before you is whether this is purely your problem to tolerate or whether your unwillingness to seek treatment for it is a burden on your family such that me a person you don't know who has no legal standing whatsoever, should order you to stick a thing in your ear against your will. This court is founded in the principle that everyone should have free will and self-determination so long as they are not hurting anybody else. This is the principle that weird dads should be allowed to be as weird as they need to be. Because weird dads are confronting, as I know myself, issues that young neurologists aren't. 37-year-old neurologist, you rule the world.

We're dads. You know, we're growing mustaches announcing to the world that we are evolutionarily finished. We are no longer required to procreate because our genetic material is out there. We no longer deserve affection. wired to procreate because our genetic material is out there. We no longer deserve affection. It's now time to focus on our weird dad hobbies like war trivia and crying at the commercials and TV shows and coming up with weird puns. Weird dads need these things to console themselves. And it's particularly hard to console yourself when there is something that physically that you used to be great at, such as running or jumping or hearing or seeing, that through no fault of your own,

just the fault of 1,200 explosions, you are not so good at anymore. And even though Bruce's ears are surely no more beautiful than anyone else's ears. He has a right to not want to deface them with cyborg implants because even though no other human in the world will see those things sticking out of his ears, and if they do, they don't care. Bruce knows they're there. They're a reminder every day that he is infirm in this one way, and that is demoralizing. firm in this one way, and that is demoralizing. So in general, I feel that at this stage, since Bruce's inconvenience to the rest of you tends to be laugh-offable to the most part right now, I want to respect Bruce's opinion and decision, but I can't. And here's why. First of all, having been around myself, people who have hearing loss who refuse to acknowledge it, It is not merely frustrating. It is also emotionally draining because it causes,

uh, the, because the denial of hearing loss, even when people are constantly having to speak louder and compensate for this, uh, uh, unadmitted to infirmity, uh, has, has a, it's, it's, and compensate for this unadmitted to infirmity,

especially if it's a loved one, and clearly this is a loved one in this case, it has an emotional component where it's just like there's something, why can't you just acknowledge this so that we can hear each other? So there's that. I don't know that you're precisely at Uncle Seymour range yet, but Uncle Seymour is in your blood.

And the further it gets to that and the less action you take, the more you are driving your family and your patients and the world away. And I don't, that may be something that you want to do, but I don't think you should want to do it. you want to do, but I don't think you should want to do it. And even then, if that were your choice, I would say that you have acted in bad faith because not only did you buzz market a weird fly fishing in, in your canal hearing aid on my podcast, but you also are using that as evidence that you tried it out. Now look, sticking things in your ear or having them stuck in your ear by a neurologist who happens to be your son against your will, obviously that's going to be uncomfortable. Any kind of adjustment to an infirmity that involves sticking something in an orifice, it will be uncomfortable.

And there's no question in my mind that it was uncomfortable. But you didn't give it a fair shot because you only used the dummy slugs. You didn't actually get to benefit from the technology that they were offering you. So you didn't get a chance and you didn't allow yourself a chance to see if the benefits outweighed the cons of this thing in your ear because you had made a predetermined decision to not like it. And I think that to say that you tried one out without even the benefit is not enough. I think given your medical history, the advice of your doctor, the pleadings of your son, you owe it to yourself and your family to test out at least one or two different styles

of hearing aid with them actually turned on to see if it benefits your life. If at the end of the day, you determine personally on your own that it does not benefit your life dramatically, and you would rather not have a thing hanging off of your beautiful ears. I will accept that judgment as I will insist that your son do. But when you make that decision after trying this out for a little while, don't just ask yourself, ask Mumbles and Mumbles Jr. if they've noticed a difference and how they feel about it. And then you, because we do not live in a dystopia where we put things in people's ears without their permission, you can make the decision whether to continue with the experiment either based on your own experience or the experience or insofar

as you are willing to accept the experience of your family. But I don't think that you've given it a fair shot. And therefore, with great humility to my elder and my fellow weird dad, I do so order that you consult with a hearing aid specialist and try out, even if just in a controlled area, a couple of different styles of hearing aids they have hearing aids now uh that uh that can connect to your phone so you can bluetooth on your on your hearing aid you can bluetooth into your ear for your television so i mean now i'm thinking about getting it i want to be a cyborg so i do think you have to give it a fair shot. You have not done so far. I therefore find in the favor of the plaintiff. This is the sound of a gavel.

He's acting the what? Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Reed, you've prevailed in the case. How do you feel? I'm very happy that I'll get a chance to see if this works out for him. Do you think we can find him something that's not uncomfortable or aesthetically objectionable?

His quote beforehand was that he didn't want tubes hanging out of his ears. So I think that can be achieved, certainly. But we'll have to see. Bruce, how are you feeling? I heard the judge loud and clear i'm very glad to hear that oh you know he was sitting on that one bailiff jesse he's been sitting on that one from the top look ever since he realized he was gonna lose i feel i feel you bruce i really do and i want to reiterate to your son who i think is

rubbing his hands together in glee a little too gleefully. Sure, that's true. That this is at the end of the day, after a fair trial, your decision. But remember, you, like Cuthbert Calculus, are a person of science, right? You know the names of all the steroids. You take medication. You do not deny science's ability to help people in life. Do not let your vanity get in the way of science if it can help you.

Thank you. Reid, Bruce, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. And I will abide by the judge's ruling. Hello, teachers and faculty. I appreciate it, and I will abide by the judge's ruling. year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I.

It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go.

Well, it's great to be back together again, Judge Hodgman. I love you, Jesse. I love you, too. We're not joking. We're a couple of guys who love each other. Jesse, you got anything coming up? Hey, I'm going out on tour with Bullseye, my NPR show. We are going to be interviewing some amazing people

and having some amazing live music and comedy performances. It's really going to be a blast. It's all happening in November, the week before Thanksgiving, in Los Angeles, Brooklyn, New York City, Boston, Massachusetts, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the birthplace of our great nation. You can find all the information about it at bullseye tour dot com. And you and I, Judge Hodgman, are doing an event together in New York and Manhattan at the Green Space at WNYC, where I'm going to be doing my talk, Make Your Thing, which is about making independent media.

And then afterwards, you are going to be moderating a Q&A, at which time people are welcome to stand up and just tell me to shut my piehole. No, no one tell Jesse to shut his piehole. In fact, listen closely to Jesse's piehole. That's my advice. He's got a lot of great things to say, and that's going to be a great event at the green space. I look forward to being there and saying hi to everyone. Yeah. And anyone, anyone in LA,

Philly, New York, Boston, Washington, DC, please go to bullseye tour.com. Get your tickets now. It's really going to be a blast.

I promise. I might go down to Philly for that one. And then you and I can go have some food at little Pete's. That sounds good my and paul f tompkins's favorite diner in philadelphia that's about to be destroyed uh do they have scrapple there yes they do okay great i'm in by the time you hear this my vacation land shows in portland and san francisco this weekend are surely sold out in fact i know they're sold out because the san francisco one just sold out today however uh if you saw the show in toronto or Toronto or Atlanta or any of the other great places that I've visited so far and you enjoyed it, I hope you will let the people of Orlando, Florida and Durham, North

Carolina know that I'll be at the Plaza Live in Orlando on October 23rd and the beautiful Carolina Theater on October 24th. I will have Judd Shand, Hodgman t-shirts, Vacationland posters by Adam Hughes to sign, and two hands ready for Shaken. On November 10th, I'll be performing at Ohio University with Jordan Klepper in Athens, Ohio. I'm splitting the set with Jordan. You know Jordan, of course, as a correspondent on The Daily Show.

You love him. This will not be a full Vacationland show. However, Jordan is incredibly funny. And even though it's a university event, it's open to the public. Links to tickets for all of these shows, as always, are at johnhodgman.com slash tour. I just want to say I have seen the Vacationland show. It's a really beautiful, moving and hilarious evening of entertainment that you really won't want to miss. And it's a side of the illustrious judge that we get to see sometimes here on

Judge John Hodgman, but a lot of times folks don't get to see on the Daily Show or something where you're doing some, where you're doing some know-it-all shtick. I'm just getting up there and telling true stories about my life. And it's really funny too. Like I want to make it clear that this isn't some, I put on a different hat, now I'm a different character, solo theater baloney. This is a hilarious but also touching show. So I really hope people take the chance to get out and see it.

The show's been going amazingly well. And I have to say to the city of Toronto, both shows. And I don't mind saying especially that huge theater, the Queen Elizabeth Theater. What an incredible night that was for me. And I'm very grateful. So thank you so much to everyone who's come out for the shows. It is always better when you are there. Who produces and edits this show, Jesse?

Oh, it's Julia Smith and Mark McConville. This week's show was named by Jaron James. If you want to name future episodes of the show, be sure that you're following us on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. The judge is at Hodgman. And that you've liked Judge John Hodgman on Facebook and joined the Maximum Fun group on Facebook. You can also join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Probably the only subreddit in the world with no people acting like mean babies.

It is a really wonderful, warm, delightful community. Great place to talk about your favorite Judge John Hodgman cases. And, of course, you can always submit your case to Judge John Hodgman at MaximumFun.org slash JJHo. No case too big or small. We takes a look at them all. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. And that's all for this week's Judge John Hodgman.

Glad to be back. And finally, hello, Wahida.