Judge John Hodgman - The Hodgman Dubbel

Episode Date: February 11, 2015

Judge Hodgman weighs in on loud popcorn eating, anniversaries, fedoras, and selects the best drawings of his proposed Double-Ended Unicycle.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, we're in chambers clearing the docket. Hi, Judge Hodgman. Hi. I'm just having some soup. Really? Cold day. Cold day in Brooklyn. Am I being too loud? being too loud? Yeah, I mean, frankly, you know, it's funny that you mentioned that. I actually have a case here about loud eating. Do you

want to hear it? Does it involve loud eating of soup? No, it's something different. Um, no. Okay, well I'm going to read it anyway and then you can just decide what to do when I'm done reading it. Go for it. It's from John. While at the movies with my wife,

she told me I was... Oh, jeez. We are going to get so many complaints, John. Do you have any idea how many complaints we get whenever anyone eats on microphone? Why? Is that unprofessional? No, I don't care. It doesn't bother me.

It's just there's some people who it really, really bothers. There's a small group of very vociferous people who are, like, deeply troubled by eating on a microphone. We'll issue this one with a trigger warning. Okay, good. John says, while at the movies with my wife, she told me I

was being too loud when eating my popcorn. I was eating popcorn the usual way. Grab a small handful and munch away. My wife found this personally irritating, which frankly irritated me. Was she right to tell a quote normal end quote popcorn eater to cease their munching during a movie? What? Why didn't you give me a trigger warning, Jesse? You know, you know how much I hate the word munching?

Munching. Grab a small handful. This guy sounds like a real munch. And munch away. Munch, munch, munch, munch. This is almost as bad as nom, nom, nom on the internet. Gets me so, I don't know what it is. Just grosses me out. Grosses me out and sends me into indignation.

I'm like, you know what? Everybody eats, you guys. Nothing special. Everybody eats food. We all need it to live. You don't have to be taking pictures of it all the time and putting it on. Nom, nom, nom. Munch is just a gross word.

So obviously I find in favor of the wife. But not merely because munch is just a gross word. So obviously I find in favor of the wife, but not merely because munch is disgusting, but because who are you to be talking about normative popcorn eating? I don't know the way you eat popcorn. I don't grab a small handful and munch away. I like one or two kernels at a time. I don't know how loud you are. If I had you on the podcast,

I could hear you doing it and make a sound decision. Literally, a sound decision. But I don't need to go through the nausea of listening to you eat popcorn and put my listeners through it after I already ate soup in their ears. Our listeners, Jesse, excuse me. Because, I don't need to do this because just be considerate of your wife. It doesn't matter what noise you think you're making or whether it's good or not. If it grosses her out, it grosses her out. Just try eating one piece

of popcorn at a time. Don't munch. Eat. Munch, munch, munch, munch, munch. What if he switched to Jujubees or something? Sour Patch Kids? I like Sour Patch Kids. If he switches, I ask him only to switch to a candy that is only available in a movie theater. Like a Jordan Almond or a Jujubees or a Dots.

a movie theater like a Jordan Almond or a Jujubees or a Dots. Not only exclusively available, but the kind you only see in a concession stand. And when you see the Jordan Almond at the concession stand, then you can be pretty sure those are some vintage Jordan Almond. No one's had that box is older than you. Nobody's headed down to the corner store or the bodega to get some milk duds. Older than you. Nobody's headed down to the corner store or the bodega to get some milk duds. Here's something from Daniel and Emily. While reviewing cases on the docket, you ruled that married couples should only celebrate anniversaries of their wedding date. That once they're married, a dating anniversary should no longer be noted.

We're writing to request special dispensation. Oh, yeah, of course. We were married on the same day as our dating anniversary. Adorable. When asked about our anniversary, we typically acknowledge both numbers. For example, this year we might say, it's our 12th wedding anniversary and our 18th together. Let me put it this way, Daniel and Emily. You can say that, I don't care. And no one does.

Just be careful how you eat your popcorn, guys. That's the kind of stuff people actually care about. I mean, look, you guys are adorable. You got married on the day that you started dating officially. You keep your records straight. You're the kind of cute people who feel that your cuteness deserves special dispensation, which is a different form of adorableness. And when people ask you a simple question, what anniversary is this? You're so adorable that you feel the need

to express your special adorableness by answering a question that they didn't ask. When did you start dating? So yes, you're right. This is our 12th wedding anniversary and our 18th dating anniversary on the same day. There's going to be a certain portion of the population that's going to be like, that's cute. And a certain portion of the population is going to like, I just asked a simple question. And then a certain portion of the population is going to get together with some of your less adorable friends and say, those guys think they're so cute. Ugh. As long as you're willing to deal with the fact that they're going to be at least those kinds of reactions.

One, cute. Two, disinterested. Three, grossed out and annoyed. Yeah, say whatever you want. Say whatever you want. Flout the law. I lay down the law, flout it. Flout.

I'm not going to give you a ticket. I am imagining right now them telling me the reverse. Like, we've been married for 18 years, but we've been together for 12. And that led me to an elaborate fantasy about it having been initially a green card wedding. Initially, a green card wedding. But then the more time they spent together at the immigration office and faking photographs of each other in front of landmarks to demonstrate that their love was real, they eventually fell in love. And now I feel like I have a really solid movie pitch. So my thanks to Daniel and Emily.

Here's something from Frank. My girlfriend tells me I can't wear a fedora at all ever. My beloved fedoras sit collecting dust in my closet, yearning to breathe fresh air and enjoy sunshine, like my baseball and newsboy caps, of which she does approve. She alleges the only people who wear fedoras are old people and douchebags, mostly the latter. I request your honor issues an order lifting the fedora ban in this household once and for all. I thank the court for its consideration. Jesse, as you run, edit, curate, host a men's fashion blog called Put This On. I do. That's true.

And you are always our guest witness when it comes to men's fashion on this podcast and in my life. I have every trust in the world that when you say I have some fedoras, that is because you have, some boaters, some Homborgs, all kinds of different hats that you know the different names of, because it is a pleasure for you to know the provenance of the fashion, of the dandy fashion that you occasionally wear and is part of your passion. What is your gut level feeling that when this guy says fedoras, that all the hats in his collection are actually fedoras? My confidence is not strong. I actually wrote a whole article for Put This On a few years ago that's linked in the sidebar of Put This On, actually, because it comes up so often that was called hats for non-douches. Go on.

What is a fedora? A fedora is that Indiana Jones wears a fedora. Sam Spade wears a fedora. Sam Spade wears a fedora. It is probably what you imagine when you think of a classic traditional men's hat with a pinched crown and a medium or longish or widish brim, often worn snapped. That's a fedora. Often worn snapped. That's a fedora. A trilby is what has been in fashion for douches. Well, it's not really even short-brimmed fedora.

A short-brimmed fedora. Yeah. So I would argue that the trilby is more inclined to be, I would describe that as douchier. A fedora I would generally describe as dorkier. A fedora, I would generally describe as dorkier. Usually when I see a fedora on the street, it's not on a douchebag, it's on a doofus. An important distinction to make. And I, perhaps, Frank, you are unfairly bearing my ire, because my contempt, as all contempt, is just a measure of one's own self-contempt.

I wore a fedora in high school, a black fedora with long hair. This is not a look that anyone should ever have. And when I look back on those days, on those photographs, with appropriate embarrassment and shame, I realize that affectations of the hat kind are very tricky to pull off because we are simply not trained in the etiquette of hat wearing anymore. We're simply not trained in the etiquette of hat wearing anymore. We have no role models to teach us what kinds of look would be, what an appropriate outfit would be to match a particular hat they were kind of wear and what each kind of hat represents.

And consequently, what you see are formal hats being taken on as a kind of affectation. And sometimes it works, but very often it becomes a bench or a badge, a benchmark, I was going to say, or a badge of a certain attitude that maybe you don't want to be associated with. So the dudes who wore trilbies, you know, a kind of West Coast hipsterism, would that be right or wrong, Jesse? Yeah, I mean, you know, it it's not even it's not really even hipsterism it's sort of a different thing um yeah right uh yeah hipsters never really hipsters where i have always been too cool like it's a sort of sort of middle-aged hipsterism almost like a kind of a you know what i mean here's i will give i will men wear men wear hats to cover up balding they'll wear a cooler hat if they think that they want to signify cooler but they often just look dopier and then the fedora has a different badge to it the bat and i'm sorry i interrupted you

jesse i'm just going to get this off my chest and then we'll circle back to you the fedora has a different badge to it which is you either are in high school and have long hair and you watched, uh, you, you, you, you watched a rate is a lost ark or even worse. You listen to old time radio broadcasts of the shadow and, and you're where, and you're wearing this thing to,

to signify your esoteric taste and you look like a dope or else. And, and you know, on, online, certainly fairly or not fairly, the fedora has become the signifier, the sartorial, not sartorial, but millenarial signifier of an MRA, a men's rights advocate. It may or may not affect your decision. So, you know, when you take these things on, you might be wearing badges that you don't necessarily intend.

Jesse, I interrupted you. Please have your say. Well, I'm going to offer – I feel like the case against hats for men has been well made by the internet. And so I'm going to offer some positive thoughts about hats for men. Please. Sort of some broad guidelines for when you can wear them reasonably. That is – and when I'm talking about hats for men, I'm talking specifically about hats, not about caps or other stuff like that, which are a little easier to wear. Standard old-fashioned men's brimmed hats.

Yeah. First of all, I would say that it's really important to, if you're, if you're going to do it to have a good one, um, that in some cases vintage hats are reasonably affordable and often higher quality than all, but the very highest quality, uh, contemporary men's hats in most cities, there is, there is no longer a real hat store. Those hat stores that there are, the kind of chain stores like Guerin Brothers or something like that, not to reverse buzz market, don't really sell a very high quality product. If you happen to live in Chicago, there's a store called Optimo that sells exceptionally good hats.

Worth and Worth in New York. There's a few others around the country. Basically, if they can't do cleaning and re-blocking in-house, which is reshaping the hat and repairing it, they probably don't sell a quality product. So there's that. I think it's worth having a good one. And a good hat, like if you buy it new, you're looking at hundreds of dollars, maybe $400 or $500 for a new high-quality felt hat. Vintage, you can get something of similar quality for, you know, $80 or something. But sometimes it's worth going into a store where people know what they're doing because they can help you pick a hat that flatters your face.

So that's thing number one, an actual good hat. The other thing is that you should look at it as a functional garment and an element of outerwear. So like an overcoat. an element of outerwear. So like an overcoat, um, it is, you know, you wear a felt hat when it is protecting you from light rain, uh, when it is cold outside and you need to keep your head warm. Um, so it's something that you would wear at the same time you might be wearing a scarf or an overcoat. Um, and you take it off when you get inside. Basically, anytime you're not outdoors or in transit, you should not be wearing it. A summer hat is a sort of a slightly different thing.

And, you know, I think I will jump to the defense of bald people as a balding person myself. I think some people think bald people wear hats to cover up their baldness, and I won't say that that isn't part of it for some people. But I know in my case, I wear hats because otherwise my head gets either cold or sunburned when the weather is intemperate. So it's something that I did not know was part of being a balding person until I started balding. But it totally is real. balding person until I started balding, but it totally is real. Well, I do apologize for offending you and all of our balding listeners. I know that that fate awaits me, so I don't mean to be a jerk.

Oh, no, not at all. And so the main reason I mentioned that is because in addition to the question of does your head get cold, a summer hat is sometimes useful when it's sunny outside because it protects your head. And I couldn't, yes, and I could not reiterate more strongly my agreement with that advice. But generally speaking, you're going to look like a chump if you're wearing a hat with a t-shirt. I mean, there are exceptions. I'm not going to get too far into them. But as a general rule, if you're walking around in a t-shirt with an Indiana Jones hat on, you look like a chump. All I was saying with regard to the balding issue, and my apologies again, is that when you see a man wearing a hat, particularly a hat that is not necessarily matched to his outfit, particularly a hat that has some old timey flair to it or leaps out at you as like, look at my hat.

The hat is a gesture of panic. Sometimes to me, that feels like a gesture of maybe I'm losing my hair and I don't know what to do with my life. Maybe I'm getting older and I'm not sure if I'm cool anymore. Maybe I need something to attract some people's attention. Um, maybe if I put this hat on, it's, it's going to compensate for all these fears that I have. And, and that, and because we have no, we have no clear, uh, uh, role models or instruction until today. Thank you very much, Jesse, with regard to wearing a hat and how to match a hat with an outfit, it looks out of place and it looks weird. So let me say this. Listen to everything Jesse has to say. If you fancy to wear a hat, I will not stop you. And I think you could

probably even get it by your girlfriend if you do these things. Go to a good hat store like Jesse says. Get the word fedora out of your mind, because for a lot of people, that's just a generic term, meaning old timey hat. And that's, and that's not how you should be thinking. Look at the hats that they have, have them fit a hat to your face in consultation with you that makes you look and feel good and then learn the kinds of clothes, suits and ties and jackets that would, that would compliment that hat and then wear it and enjoy it as a piece of beautiful but functional clothing. And I'm sure that if you look good in this thing and you wear it well,

no girlfriend in the world is going to tell you put on your baseball hat again. I like that better. But, but until then, keep those fedoras in the world is going to tell you, put on your baseball hat again. I like that better. But until then, keep those fedoras in the closet. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them

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If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Here's something from Kyle. I'm submitting a case against my awesome girlfriend, Susie. I recently moved from Raleigh to Charlotte, North Carolina for a new job. My girlfriend now lives about four hours away from me. When we have the opportunity to see each other, we often go out to dinner and other typical date fair.

I like to pay for all of our dates, and if Susie visits me, I like to pay for her gas. She often protests my paying for dates and never accepts money for gas. She'll become very cross if I'm quicker on the draw with my credit card. Judge Hodgman, this has been an argument for a long time. And when we were in college, I'd occasionally let her pay. But now I've moved and work in a cube farm that provides me with more than enough money to cover date expenses. She's an elementary school teacher and has better things to do with her money. Judge, I'd like a ruling in my favor stating that I'm allowed to cover any and all date expenses and that my girlfriend can't get mad at me when I

do so. Let me get just a quick read back from the record there, Jesse. Kyle is writing, he says, if Susie visits me, I like to pay for dinner. Is that correct? He likes to pay for dinner. Is that right? Yes, that's correct. And he also likes to try to pay for her gas. Try to pay for her gas, right? Because Kyle is Susie's father. Is that correct? Wait a minute. When he pay for her gas. Try to pay for her gas, right. Because he's, Kyle is Susie's father. Is that correct? Wait a minute. When he pays for her dinner, he's definitely paying for her gas.

Am I right? If they're having beans for dinner. Well, beans for dinner is a classic Charlotte, North Carolina staple. Date night. You know what that means. Beans for dinner. Actually, there's some of the greatest food being cooked in restaurants and uh and outside of doors in north carolina so i don't you know don't don't get mad at me north carolingians uh kyle you're

not suzy's dad she comes to visit you you don't have to pay for dinner you don't have to pay for dinner. You don't have to pay for her gas. You don't have to decide whether her job is sufficient enough for her to pay. You don't have to decide for her that she has better things to spend her money on. She is her own person. She's an individual. Choosing how to spend both her money and her time as part of how she maintains basic human individual dignity, and turning to me for an order from another dude to tell your girlfriend how to feel about you paying for dinner, just suggests to me that if you keep this up, she will make a choice in life,

and that will be she'll save the gas money and stay home. Stay in the research triangle. Maybe take yourself out to dinner at the wonderful restaurant Lantern in Chapel Hill that's owned by Mac and Andrea. You know those guys, Jesse?

I don't know them. Andrea Rusing's the chef, Mac McCann from Super Chunk. Andrea, that's her restaurant chef, Mac McCann from Super Chunk. Andrea, that's her restaurant, Lantern in Chapel Hill. Don't, it's not a buzz market.

I'm telling you. It's one of the best restaurants in the world. Go there. In fact, Kyle, you drive up. If you're so worried about gas, you drive up and take your,

take, take and go Dutch to Lantern. Tell Andrea that I sent you. And ask her opinion, the chef of this restaurant whether uh whether you should be paying for her gas that's weird you're not her dad so there and your girlfriend can get mad at you about whatever she wants no way i can rule against that some weeks ago in episode 193 um oh boy you issued a call for technical drawings of a unicycle that incorporated a beach tire and an all-terrain tire that could be flipped so yeah when the beach tire was in action it could uh ride on a beach and then it could flip

to an all-terrain tire with the beach tire up in the air as necessary a double-ended unicycle um two wheels still unit yeah only one wheel at a time yeah like a convertible unicycle that converts from beach action to mountain action the two primary places where one would ride a unicycle. Yeah, for beach and mountain cops. It's going to replace the Segway. Still one of my favorite Tim and Eric bits.

Corbs. Their fake TV show, Corbs. Cops on recumbent bicycles. Check that out on YouTube. But you may also check out over at MaximumFun.org some of the designs that we received for these double-ended unicycles.

And what are we starting with here, Jesse? Well, Jillian sent us a video of her friend's dad who is a mountain unicycler, mountain unicycling. Professionally? I mean... He's a professional mountain unicycler, mountain unicycling. Professionally? I mean... He's a professional mountain unicycler? Well, I'm looking at the... I'm just looking at the freeze frame

or whatever you call that, the pull quote. The frame that shows up when you haven't pressed play yet. Oh, right. If this guy's not a professional mountain unicycler, I don't know who is. All right. Well, if you follow the link to the Vimeo page, it says Chris Shelton, professional clown, which is, I guess, the same as a professional unicyclist. Former cop, full-time fall-down guy. And here he is on his mountain unicycle oh apparently

reading on here not only this jesse he is also the official ronald mcdonald clown of delaware maryland and pennsylvania that's a huge region to to to to wear to wear the the yellow red and white grease paint it's a huge reason to control as a ronald mcdonald in this video he has two mountain unicycles and there's a shot where he checks out one then he checks out the other then he goes back to the first one and he says yeah i'm going with this one today yeah but we both agree this guy is totally awesome. Oh, now he's jumping up and down on it. Yeah. He's totally great.

But this guy has a problem. He's got two unicycles. He's got to choose between them. We are going to solve that problem for him right now. Okay. So let's get to our first submitted double unicycle. Okay. So.

Randall Cooper. Randall Cooper sent us one and let's see, he says, I know the image in your head was of a unicycle where the wheel not currently being used was between the rider's legs.

Unfortunately, no, that's not true. That's incorrect. We wanted one up in the air. Very few people have legs that are four feet long. So there's this. Yeah, well, thanks for sassing us based on an absolutely incorrect assumption about what was going on in our heads. Obviously, one of the wheels has to be up in the air while the other one is in action. Well, all right.

And he says, I offered to cover the cost of filing a patent up to $50. And he also says, filing a patent for this thing would involve headaches well in excess of $50. Oh, so now you're putting a dollar value on your headaches? I get headaches. Nobody pays me for those. So for those of you listening along at home, unicycle, double unicycle one, Randall Cooper model. at home unicycle double unicycle one randall cooper model imagine the letter the capital letter y with a a wheel at the bottom of the letter and then the two arms of the y is another wheel in this case a beach tire wheel and then the seat and this would never i can't even understand

how this could possibly work there's no way this would balance. I'm sorry that you're so upset about everything, Randall, but your thing is wrong. All right, moving on. I'm going to say, you know what the headache that this guy has is? His design is cockamamie. He's got a cockamamie design. You're right.

Okay. All right. Brian writes to us, while likely not, Brian Archer, thank you, Brian, while likely not – Brian Archer. Thank you, Brian. While likely not comfortable or in any way wieldy – I don't know if wieldy is a word, but I'll go with it. Yeah. I believe connecting two unicycles via a semicircular tube would be the preferred method for creating a double unicycle. Yeah.

The semicircular section would be – would be have a channel as to. Come on, Brian. This is a nice drawing, but I need you to focus on your grammar here so that this makes sense. The semicircular section would have a channel so as to allow the keyed seat post to slide. Oh, that's fun. I like that idea. You see what he's talking about, right? Yeah. It's got a key in there and a channel, so it goes chunk, chunk, chunk. And then when you want to switch, you flip the thing upside down, and then you slide the seat down along the semicircle into the new position. Very, very creative. Oh, I like this. I like this. So the C of the semicircle is big enough to accommodate the torso of a full-grown man or woman. That's correct.

And the seat goes from one end of the C up and around to the other side of the C, and then you turn the whole thing over. My only concern here is how will this affect the rider's sense of balance? Yeah, again, you know, I think what Brian has in mind is as close to what I had in mind when I thought of it. And I like this design a lot. However, he does not address how having this huge, semi circular steel C shape hanging off the back or front of this thing isn't going to is going to upset the balance and how the rider would have to compensate. I also don't know why you would necessarily want to move the seats. Why not just have another seat up there just hanging down

so you can just do the flip and hop on? That way your beach cop, mountain cop, unicyclist, if they're chasing a perp, they don't want to stop and then move the seat around they want to just flip the thing over hop on again and keep going so also can i can i recommend something if they're chasing a perp why not put in a hood you don't have to put in an engine but you want to put in a hood so there's something to slide across oh yeah obviously yeah and you want to weld the doors shut for stability.

Absolutely. So I like this one. I don't, again, there's no information about how to compensate for the off-balanceness, right? Because you're going to have a whole lot of weight on one side of the unicycle or the other. Yeah, that whole C. I have an idea for how to fix that, but let's move on and see what other people have. Can I ask you a quick physics question? I know you're a physicist in addition to being a podcast host, comedian, and writer.

That's right. Would having the whole bottom of a unicycle extending above your head, would that make it easier to balance? Sort of like the way that it's easier to balance a broom handle on your hand than it is a pencil on your finger that's an interesting i i don't i don't know how to answer that i wouldn't even venture to guess it would obviously increase drag yeah that's a good point would increase drag but would it be easier to balance just having more mass above you i would have to i'm not even going to venture a guess if someone if someone wants to venture a guess they may and i will read it on the air you know what about coefficients right right drag coefficients right then you're going to have to get into velocity

velociraptors logarithms algo logs what if you run into a log algor Velociraptors. Logarithms. Logs. What if you run into a log? Algoraptors. Logaraptors. Logaraptors are – that's a type of dinosaur that talks too much. Okay. We got another one. So I thought it was nice. Brian Archer suggested that he expects that if we put this into production, we might be able to sell as many as two to five in the Santa Cruz area. Yeah.

Which makes about – that seems about right to me. So here is something from Jeff Hans Peterson of Vashon Island or Vashon Island? Vashon Island. Vashon Island in Washington State. Right off of Seattle. This is a very handsome design. And what I like about this is that it has, in this one, you can imagine three circles set in a vertical line. Two of them are wheels.

Two of them, the three, okay. Yeah. I'm going to start over here. All right, think of it this way. Seat, wheel, pedal, wheel. Yeah, there you go. And the chain goes around the pedals, around the top wheel, and around the bottom wheel all at once. Now, this seems like it is, my initial feeling is this is junk dangerous.

This would threaten my stuff, my business. More than a regular unicycle? That's what puts my mind at ease. A unicycle is inherently, anyone who steps onto a unicycle is disregarding their junk health exactly so you took you you you you you jump yeah sorry i didn't have anything to say did you did you want to say something i think this is it i think this is it i believe this design i this is a very intriguing design, I have to say. It's called Uncle something or others.

Sorry, a little hard to read because it's a small image. Uncle Uli's Swiss Army unicycle, a dual configuration unicycle consisting of two wheels mounted on a rotating armature that, by pivoting about the pedal crank axle assembly, armature that by pivoting about the pedal crank axle assembly allows the operator to select between wheels of differing diameter and or tire design to better adapt to different riding conditions now if i were a unicycle cop i would have my eye on this thing this is a beautiful technical drawing it is a completely unique um design that was not is not what i was thinking of but it makes a lot of sense the only question I have is whether a human's legs could A, reach down to that bottom pedal

if you're going to accommodate a rotating wheel up there, and or whether the left leg, if you're looking at it front-wise, imagine that's the back, the left, if the leg that has to go over the chain mechanism can even get over there, whether it's fully balanced or not. But it's a very intriguing concept and a beautiful technical drawing. You can take a look at it on the website, obviously. What I would do is I would manufacture it.

Well, first, obviously, I'd patent it. Then I would manufacture that. Well, first, obviously, I'd patent it. Then I would manufacture it. And after it was manufactured, I would market it to the very tall thrill seeker who also values convenience. Like I would get Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the line. Kareem. First, I would flatter him about his new novel, which is based on Sherlock Holmes, Brother Mycroft. I'd say, like, I enjoyed your Mycroft Holmes novel, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Are you a thrill seeker?

And do you value convenience? If he said yes to both those questions, I'd say, well, have I got the unicycle for you? You're that you're going to get Kareem Abdul-jabbar to sponsor one of these unicycles purchase one of the unicycles oh but he's a he's a rich man i think from endorsements and i want him to i want him to endorse our double unicycle matt hartzler uh wrote to say jesse suggested some swiveling seat nonsense i think the trick would be to have two seats with a T formation with the additional wheel behind the user. Oh, I like this. I like this scheme. So wherever you're sitting on it, there's one seat directly below and in front of your junk and a wheel extending out behind you. But what does Matt say?

What's the sentence there at the end of his little paragraph above the image? Not sure how it would be balanced well. Yeah, wouldn't work. This would not work at all. Despite the fact that he drew it on graph paper, which I appreciate makes it seem more technical. All right. Now look at this drawing from Josh Beck.

Please find and close the requested technical drawings for the double-ended unicycle, which I've branded the Hodgman Double. D-U-B-B-E-L. I like that branding thinking. Please feel free to rename the product as you see fit. I think that's pretty solid. I like it. So when we take a look at this one, I see a lot of, oh, okay.

So this is a lot like the C, the semicircle brian archer's semicircle but this has a flip-flop flip-flop is trademarked uh tube armature which goes directly behind you so i think that would help keep the weight centered i think that's the idea, yes. Again, we're looking at top to bottom, wheel, upside down seat, rider, right side up seat, wheel. Yep. And the two sets of unicycle and wheel are connected by a bar, but this one wouldn't extend out as far back behind you. And yet I'm not sure whether that would really solve the problem of having the extra weight of that bar on one side of the wheel array. And in fact, when we go down to Gregory McKay,

he also offers another beautiful drawing. Uh, and this one, uh, a little bit more, uh, uh, hand freestyle drawing, but still gorgeous. Uh, and it's very much the same concept. It's a, it's two unicycles, one upside down above the other, connected by a bar that is drawn very closely to the center of gravity. But again, I don't know whether this would work. I mean, I don't know whether this would be enough to adjust how you would compensate for that additional, not just the additional weight above you,

but the fact that you have weight on one side of the wheel that you don't have in the front. Look, I'm not a physicist. I'm not an engineer. I'm not even a unicyclist. I'm just a unicycle enthusiast. But my first thought is underneath the seat, you put a bar, and I'll grant you, this is further junk endangerment. You put a bar that extends forward, and then you put a dope stereo in front of you that weighs exactly the right amount to counterbalance the tube behind you. And then you can go anywhere you want. You've got convenience. You've got utility. And you have dope tunes.

A junk bar with a boom box. Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Okay. Right. Okay. Steven Audner couldn't come up with anything two-wheeled, but he actually added an extra wheel. Yeah, exactly. he's basically taking the same concept of adding adding weight in front of the unicycle to

compensate for the weight of the additional wheel in this case angled out behind you uh except in this case he just added a third wheel so imagine a y with a wheel at the end of each spoke and three seats in the middle and it's a beautiful picture of madness but we cannot consider it because this is a three-wheeled unicycle i wanted wanted a double-ended unicycle. Yeah. And I mean, honestly, I'm a little bit upset. I like that he has the mountain unicycle wheel that we requested and the beach unicycle wheel that we requested. His third wheel is a quote-unquote standard unicycle wheel. I would like to have seen it be a unicycle wheel that's suitable for riding on lakes, like those giant bicycles that you ride on lakes. Or maybe just a single water ski.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So you can ride down the mountain, over the beach, flip up to the water ski, grab onto your friend with the boat, and then... Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Well, nice thinking, Stephen, but no. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Well, nice thinking, Stephen, but no. Zachary Conrad said, this included sketch shows two unicycle frames welded together at right angles, right below the seat height adjustment. The seats are appropriately weighted to balance the unicycle.

At least, I don't get it from his drawing, but at least he's taking this into consideration. Appropriately weighted to balance the unicycle. All right. You're welcome to use this drawing however you like, though I hope you will print it out and use magnets to stick it to your refrigerator. That is a great way to stick things to your refrigerator. Thanks for the suggestion, Zachary. I love your sort of outsider art painting of this double-wheeled unicycle with each wheel at right angles to each other. And on the bottom angle, it says road. And then at a right angle in yellow, it says beach,

as though there is ever a case where you're riding down the road and all of a sudden, there's a big wall of beach in front of you. Yeah, I would not characterize Zachary as a trained artist. This definitely does not look like the work of a Carnegie Mellon student or whatever. He may not be a trained engineer either, but I do like that he weighted these seats for counterbalancing. I'm going to guess

that he put lead in there, which is the heaviest thing that I'm aware of. It's got to be lead. It also provides radiation shielding for your junk. Yes! Which, honestly, most unicycles lack. It's got to be lead. It also provides radiation shielding for your junk. Yes. Which, honestly, most unicycles lack. You can ride over a dangerously radioactive landscape. So, Jesse.

That otherwise would be radiating radiation up in squarely, directly into your business. directly into your business. It's a powerful idea. And I think it just shows how research and crazy ideas that seem impractical and dumb, just thinking about them can still lead to important innovations, much like the idea of sending a man to Jupiter or a woman to Jupiter is unlikely to ever happen in our lifetime. By thinking about it and planning for it, we discover things like Velcro. That's how Velcro was invented, by the way. And similarly, by thinking of a double-ended unicycle, Jesse and I have come up with the heretofore unthought of idea of radiation shielding for your junk on a regular unicycle. And it might even work for a bicycle or a penny farthing.

But in the meantime, who gets the $50? Jesse, I think I know my answer. Do you have an answer? It is a difficult. I mean, there's a part of me that just wants to give it to Jillian G's college friend's dad just so he can buy more dope sports sunglasses. Okay. And do more cool unicycle tricks.

Okay. I think the one that I like the most, honestly, is Josh Beck's. I like that he took branding into account with his Hodgman double. I like that it's super tall, and you would probably have to be careful going under freeway overpasses. And I feel like this is a drawing that you could immediately submit to the patent office. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I do, too. It's got the Max Fund logo on it. Yeah, I think this is pretty solid. All we need is one of those patent models. But how do you resolve the fact that it is essentially an identical idea to Gregory McKay's? Gregory McKay loses because his picture's not as good. That's how I resolved it. Gregory McKay loses because his picture's not as good. That's how I resolved it. Artistically, I like his picture better.

But technically, Josh Becks is his sounder. In no case do I think either of these are going to work. And I think that in some ways, though, he cannot win. Brian Archer is the closest to the solution, which is instead of a semicircle, how about a circle? You guys, you see what I'm saying, Jesse? Look at Brian Archer's. See how that's a semicircle that would be behind you or in front of you? Just extend another circle. So now you're just sitting in a circle and it's balanced.

John, here's the thing. I know a little something about patents and patent laws, not only because, as I mentioned before, my mother's first husband was a patent lawyer and she used to say things about it, but also because I was the target of a patent shakedown last year. Oh, yeah. And it doesn't really have to work. It doesn't have to be a good idea. You don't have to make it, certainly. In fact, I would suggest that we not make it if we want to get in this for the money.

Right. I think what we do is we patent one of these things and we basically wait for anyone to make any money on anything that's even vaguely related to it. Then we hire a lawyer and we shake them down. All right, the $50 prize goes to Josh Beck with the Hodgman double. I am going to suggest that Gregory McKay's design be printed as a t-shirt and available in the Max

Funds store because I think it's beautiful and it's a beautiful illustration. And all of them are available with my great thanks and gratitude on, and Jesse's as well, I presume, on the MaximumFund.org website. Look for the Judge John Hodgman name or logo. Jesse Thorne, I got to run out of chambers to go run and be on the Daily Show television program. So I'm going to let you wrap this up. Sorry about that. But thank you very much to everybody. And this is the sound of a gavel.

Knock, knock. That's our time for the Judge John Hodgman podcast. The show is produced by Julia Smith, edited by Mark McConville. You can see all of the unicycle submissions at MaximumFun.org on our blog post for this week's show. But these things were so amazing, we wanted to do something more. So we're putting Gregory McKay's design on a limited edition T-shirt. You can find it at MaxFunStore.com today. It's only going to be available for two weeks.

You can order it for two weeks starting today, the day this episode comes out. So go to maxfundstore.com and get yours now. I promise you, it is a super, super cool T-shirt. And no one will have any idea why you have this strange picture of a unicycle with two seats and two wheels on your chest. But it's actually kind of beautiful. So maxfundstore.com. You can join us on social media. We've got a Facebook group, both for Judge John Hodgman and for MaximumFun.org.

Both are very lively. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can use the hashtag JJHO on Twitter to discuss the show there and join us on our forum at forum.maximumfund.org. If you've got a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to Maximumfund.org slash JJHO. No case too big or too small. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO or Hodgman at Maximumfund.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Maximumfund.org.

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