Judge John Hodgman - The Party Kitchen

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

It's time to clear the docket! How does a pile of lettuce become a salad? Plus, kitchen congregating, tapping dirty spoons on another person's face, covering your partner's eyes during gross movie scenes, and a new JJHo segment: RUDY'S PLACE!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me, as always, is a man with justice in his veins, Judge John Hodgman. it's blood. And I know that because months ago, before we had vaccines, and I was doing due diligence and getting periodically checked for COVID, negative every time, I'm glad to say, very lucky. One point they said, do you want to get the antibody test, the blood test to see if you had developed the antibodies for COVID? Because it might indicate that you may have had it, or it might indicate nothing. We really don't know actually. And I'm like, if it's a needle, stick it in me. I'm in a doctor's office. This is what I do. And so I said, sure. And they drew my blood and they said, okay. And we took the COVID test and we will call you if there's a problem. If you don't have COVID, you'll get an email. If you have COVID, we'll call you.

So sure enough, a couple of days later, I've missed this call from the lab. And they're like, you have to call us back right away. I'm like, oh, I can't believe that it's happened finally. And I call and my heart is racing. I'm like, this is, I can't, I've tried so hard to not get it and now I have it. And after being on hold for like 25

minutes they get on they're like oh no you don't have covid i'm like well why were you calling me and they said oh we couldn't test your blood the lab refused to test your blood due to lipidosis and i'm like what's lipidosis and they said high content of fat in your blood i'm like, what's lipidosis? And they said, high content of fat in your blood. I'm like, all right, that tracks. That tracks. I've just basically been eating butter and mayonnaise for the past several months. So wait, they refused it on principle? The lab looked at my fatty blood and said, no.

Get that guy to get his triglycerides down and then come back. Give that guy some Drano. Let's clear this thing out. Yeah, but let me tell you something. I'm more active now. I'm rejoining the world as we all are, as safely and responsibly as we can. I'm very excited. My heart is thumping for a new reason, Jesse.

I'm very excited because we have a new segment on the show. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Stay tuned to the end, everybody, for our new segment, Rudy's Place. You remember Rudy, Jesse? Sure. Of course I remember. Rudy was the dad who pitched an app where there's a virtual bar where you can buy people drinks. Terrible idea for an app. Listeners have been writing in trying to stress test that app and make it work. No one can figure out how to make that app work. I'm sorry, Rudy. Rudy was on this show a couple of weeks ago in litigation with his son, Patrick, who just wanted his dad to stop talking about this terrible app. But during the conversation,

we learned a lot about Rudy. We learned that Rudy, this dad, first of all, lives on a road called Big Toad Road, which is the greatest. Yeah. Hates the internet, also hates sharks, also hates mega yachts. And there's one thing he hates above all other things. And we're going to hear about that later on in the episode in a new segment called Rudy's Place. But meanwhile, what else we got? Well, I've been stress testing an app. Yeah. Mozzarella sticks.

Go on. That's all I got. Oh, I got you. Here's a case from Jillian in Plainview, New York. Hi there, Judge. I'm currently sitting with my parents enjoying some lunch. My mom took out a bowl of lettuce with some croutons and shredded cheese and said, a Caesar salad without the dressing has, like, no fat. She then proceeded to eat it dry. I had to take a picture of the evidence so you can see because I do not think this can be called a salad. I was hoping you could rule on this sad excuse for a lunch.

This is a non-visual medium, but luckily we do have an Instagram account over there at Instagram.com slash Judge John Hodgman, where you can see the photo that Jillian from Plainview sent in of her mom's, her mom's contemporary take on a Caesar salad. Yeah. It's a fresh twist on an old classic. They say before you take a bite of something, you eat first with your eyes.

And I am currently vomiting first with tears. This is a very sad. It's an emetic experience looking at this salad. It's a sad looking salad. Basically, Jillian is asking a question, which I don't think is being asked in good faith because I think she mainly wants us to make fun of her mom. Yeah, and a mission accomplished.

Her mom earned it. Can this be called a salad, Jesse? What we're looking at here is a clear plastic bowl full of chopped up hearts of romaine sprinkled with some shredded cheese. I guess that's got to be shredded Parmesan cheese, right? Yeah, I think that's going to be what that is. And I see a crouton here. So there must have been croutons in the dish. Or maybe it's one of those single crouton Caesars. Yeah. Or maybe there's one of those single crouton Caesars. Yeah. Or maybe there's one big crouton buried under the salad. That is something I'd be really interested in. A Caesar salad with one giant crouton. Like those kits that you give kids

where they get a little spoon and they get to scrape away until they find a fake dinosaur bone. Yeah, exactly. Oh, an archaeological dig for a crouton in the shape of a dinosaur bone? Come on. Yeah, I think that would be fun. Here's the thing, John. Go ahead, please. who is one of the most wonderful people I've ever known in my life. A kind, loving, decent, caring person to her very core who also has a nervous stomach and eats salads with no dressing. All right. And I truly... It upsets me so deeply every time.

And I love my mother-in-law so much. She's such a wonderful person. But I figured out that if I just put a little dressing on her salad, she will eat it out of politeness. And I don't know whether that – I honestly don't know whether I'm torturing her by doing this I haven't noticed if I am but I like I'll just put a little bit just so it tastes like something just to separate

her like the emotional element from the physical element or whatever and I will just put a little drizzle on there. Just a little drizz. Just so it's something.

Because otherwise it's just a lettuce pile. Also, Jillian's mom is completely wrong about there not being any fat if you don't put any dressing on it. What do you think Parmesan cheese and croutons are made of? That's right. I mean, it's going to be dramatically lower in fat than if it's dressed. That's true. But first of all, this is definitely cannot be called a Caesar salad because it's got no anchovies in it.

It's got no chauves. It's got no egg yolk. It's got no lemon juice. I'm sure there's black pepper in there, but that's the tang, that chovy tang. I don't think there's black pepper in here. Do you think not? No. Look at it. It's bright green. It's throughout bright green there. It's unspeckled. It's low sodium, low pepper as well. Don't worry if you're trying to manage your pepper intake. I mean, look, if we're going to critique what we would do with this salad, you could, without, if the goal is not to add fat, you could put some pepper and lemon juice on there,

get a little closer. Yes. Now, you know what, Jesse? You're right. Now, I'm going to say this. We've had some fun at Jillian's mom's expense. But Jillian's mom you like what you like if you love just a lettuce pile with some shredded cheese on it and what looks to be a single crouton of normal size go for it yeah absolutely you want to eat bunny style eat bunny style i would agree that i was trying to find the phrase that would describe what this is, because it is not to my mind, either a Caesar salad nor a salad. It is a lettuce pile. Basically it is a, it is a, it's a fluffy crudite. Um, but I think that you really hit upon something there, Jesse, which is if you are trying to dress up your undressed salad and you want to get it as light as possible,

a little lemon juice, a little vinegar goes a long way to making it salad-y and carrying some of the spices that you might put on it, such as salt and pepper, and making it adhere to your leaves in your lettuce. As long as there is some liquid component or colloidal, if it's a creamy dressing, then you can call it a salad. But no, Jillian, that is not a salad. It should not be called a Caesar salad.

It should be called, well, gosh, I don't know what your mom's name is. A Jillian's mom lettuce pile. And send me the dressing you're not using. Mail it to me. I'll eat it. I'll eat it out of a FedEx envelope. I don't care.

Tyvek holds it in. That's right. Here's something from John in Brighton, Massachusetts. My siblings and I live in four different cities across North America. It's rare for us to all get together. So when we do, we like to stay up late talking. This is especially true when we return to our parents' house in Wisconsin. Well, well, well. right below my parents' bedroom, and they say we're disrupting their sleep. My father will come downstairs and tell us to move to some other part of the house, even though that completely kills the vibe of our joyful meetup. We're doing our best to keep the volume down, but his policy is zero tolerance.

We ask the court to order our parents to allow us to hang out in the kitchen throughout the night. Jesse, we haven't had parties lately. That's true. I mean, even before this time of social isolation, I had given up on hosting parties at my house because I'm not a child. You know what I mean? Yeah. When was the last time you had a party at your house?

No idea. Never, right? I literally don't think last time you had a party at your house? No idea. Never, right? I don't think, I literally don't think I've ever had a party at my house. No, that's not true. I had a birthday party. Oh, yeah. When I turned 30. Right.

And were people indoors? No, they were in my backyard. Oh, there you go. That's what you get in Los Angeles. In New York City, when you're turning 30 years old, or it's a Thursday, you have people over to your apartment to hang out and eat pizza and have a refreshing beverage. And I'm sure you've experienced this. It's a cliche to say all parties end up in the kitchen. That's just where it happens.

this. It's a cliche to say all parties end up in the kitchen. That's just where it happens. You can put your mozzarella sticks and your other stress test apps out on a, out on a tray in the living room, try to get, or try to steer people. What am I talking about? In New York city, there are no living rooms trying to steer people into the sleeping nook or whatever. You're talking about the,, Murphy bed, television room. Yeah, exactly. But everyone's going to party in the kitchen. That's where the party is. It's always where the party is.

And for obvious reasons, as John points out, that's where the drinks are. That's where the tile is. So the voices bang as an acoustic properties, make it sound and feel like a party because your voice is banging off that backsplash you got access to drinks snacks all the all the lettuce piles you might want and obviously obviously that's where all of the comfy chairs are now you made an edit on the fly jesse you changed john's letter from saying to comfortable chairs from what he wrote which was that's where the comfy chairs are. I don't know.

What are you even talking about, John, in Brighton, Massachusetts? Comfy chair. Like, do you have. There's Barka lounges in this kitchen. There's beanbag chairs in here in the kitchen's conversation pit. Yeah. That's that's the one part of that is not track for me, John. I don't know what kind of wingback leather armchairs you have out there in your Wisconsin kitchen. But it's still the case that hanging out in the kitchen is one of the best things you can do when you're allowed to be inside with people you care about and that you are willing to breathe on and be breathed on by, especially siblings. Now, I'm an only child, but I know this feeling.

When I was young and all of my friends from high school were scattered to the winds, and we would come back over the summer from our respective learning institutions, we would all go to Christine's kitchen and hang out there. We told so many stories. We had such a good time. And part of the fun was that every now and then Christine's mom would wander in and raise an eyebrow at us and just drop a withering bone mow. Just such a funny lady, wonderful person. And Christine's dad was sitting in the room adjacent to the kitchen with a pipe and a glass of whiskey,

screaming at the television some Betamax recording he had of the movie Grand Prix, because he was a car fanatic, is a car fanatic, I should say. An old racing car fanatic. It was terrific. It was a very lively scene. It was like Rudy's Place in real life, where everybody knows your name. And the thing of it is that her mom and dad loved for us to be around because we were incredible. We were all nice kids who were hanging around. And by this time, we were probably having an adult beverage. I think we were of age, but certainly, you know.

And we weren't in trouble anyplace. Like, they liked us hanging around because I think we were a reasonably good company. We were amusing to them. Her father could yell at me to get a haircut, and it was amusing to me. It was a nice feeling. Now, there is a person who is living in my house who is attending a college outside of our house, and she has just come back. And did I mind that she stayed up late in the living room long after I went to bed playing Animal Crossing? Of course I did, because she was messing up my character,

messing up my island. I don't know. I've been working hard on that island. I had to get into Animal Crossing finally for a secret project that David Reese and I are working on. I'll have some news about that later. And of course she wasn't making any noise, but I was so happy that she was there. You know, I got to come down pretty hard on your dad, John. Because I don't get what the problem is. If I had four kids who had grown up and moved to four different cities across North America, that's a brag, by the way, John, boy, oh boy, how cosmopolitan you all are.

But obviously to some degree you've thrived and are all presumably happy. You've moved to cities and made new lives for yourself, which I would be so happy about if I were your dad. And I would say that the fact that the four of you love each other and are talking to each other and want to talk to each other, that would make me so happy as a dad. And to know that you are below me as I was going to bed. You know, because when I go to bed, what I do is I read. I don't read books anymore.

I read, am I the a-hole of subreddit on Reddit, which is just tragic story after tragic story of broken families and people who have gone no contact with their mothers and mothers-in-law and siblings and whatever, because people have been terrible to each other. I read that and I cry, but I would hear my children below me and know they did okay. They're here. They're home. They're safe. I know where they are. They like each other.

They will eventually go out into the world again and continue to thrive on their own. But I would love, that would be music to my ears to hear you guys talking, John. Now, I normally am very supportive of dads annoying their children and coming up with weird rules to bother them. Like you got to be quiet in the kitchen. But no, the kitchen is where it's going to happen, John. Frankly, most houses, if you know, most, as I say, if you have the means and you're in a married relationship or a long-term romantic relationship, the best thing to do is to not even share a bedroom, nevermind a bed, two separate bedrooms in a villa connected by a reflecting pool. And I would add to that two kitchens, one for cooking in, one where just the party goes.

So, you know, John's dad, listen to me. You can't let this bother you. You got to let these kids party in the kitchen. That's where the party is. Until you build a second party kitchen or move your room, you're going to have to listen to your children like each other and enjoy each other's company. And if you can't take pleasure in that, I'm sorry. I think you ought to reorganize your priorities because they're going to go away and someday they're not going to come back as often as they grow older and have their own families. And if you can't get that together, John,

you and your three siblings come party at my house. I'll be away. Whoa, what am I offering? This guy's in Brighton. He's not that far away. He's in Brighton, Massachusetts. He might come. He and his three siblings might come and party in my kitchen. I don't have, I only have one floor, Jesse. I don't have... Tell you what. We'll do it virtual. You and your three siblings will have a Zoom, a catch-up Zoom, and I'll just hang around there and listen to you.

Music to my ears. What do you think are the four cities? The four cities? Yeah. Brighton, Massachusetts. I know one of them is Brighton, Massachusetts. Brighton, Massachusetts. I know one of them is Brighton, Massachusetts. Brighton, Massachusetts is where the bread and circus all-natural supermarket used to be. It's now Whole Foods.

And my wife worked at the fish counter there and served Steven Tyler. It's just saying it's an incredible town, Brighton, Massachusetts. I'm going to say one of them sounds great. I'm going to say one of them is Pittsburgh. One of them is probably another city

in Wisconsin. I'm going to say, because there's probably one sibling who didn't go that far afield. So maybe they're up in Madison. And then it's all North America, right? Yeah. So there could be someone in Canada, too. I'm going to give a shout out to Regina, Saskatchewan.

Just one of the great overlooked provincial capitals. I've got Brighton, Massachusetts. Yeah. Tuxla Gutierrez in Oaxaca. Port-au-Prince, Haiti. And Winnipeg. Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. John, set up the Zoom for your four siblings. I will drop in on it. Send me an invitation and then you can report to me and I'll report to Jesse how close we got on our four cities guessing. We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner.

We'll be back on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience,

one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-A. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name

of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh

and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket and we have a case here from Caitlin in Vancouver, British Columbia. After we shared an ice cream sundae, my loving husband, Trevor, tapped my forehead with his soggy, environmentally friendly wooden spoon. I said,

please don't tap my face with your soggy spoon. To which he responded, to which he responded, your forehead isn't part of your face. He then proceeded to tap my face. I seek justice for Trevor, telling me my forehead is not part of my face. I want him to pay damages by purchasing me a sundae of my choosing and delivering it to me in bed. me a Sunday of my choosing and delivering it to me in bed. This one made me so mad I almost didn't include it. Yeah. And Caitlin, Trevor, buckle up because, you know, there's a thing that I notice. You know my favorite book, Am I the A-Hole, on Reddit?

Yes, the one that you read yourself to sleep so that you have nightmares of families breaking up? That's right. I read myself to sleep in my own tears, in a bed of my own tears. That is to say, my eye vomit. say my eye vomit. The premise of the subreddit is that someone will write, will make a post to be viewed by the entire readership of the subreddit saying, hey, my name, for example, is Trevor. And I was having an ice cream sundae with my wife. And I thought it would be funny after I finished it to tap her on the face with my dirty spoon. And when she expressed that she did not like that and asked me not to tap her on the face again, I thought it would be even funnier for me to gaslight her

and say, uh-uh-uh, here's a loophole. The forehead is not part of the face, which is obviously something everyone knows is not true. It's part of your face. And then I, Trevor, thought it would be even triple funnier, now having demeaned her by touching her face without asking with a dirty spoon husband, wife, spouse of some kind, life partner, whatever. And they will say, oh, divorce them immediately. there is a great rush to encourage people to divorce, to see red flags in behavior,

which is sometimes overstated. It's not always the case that when there is a disagreement between a couple who are living together and love one another, that they should immediately divorce and run away and go no contact, as they say. So I'm just going to say to this, Trevor, in this situation, you are the a-hole. I am not going to rush to say that you should be divorced, but I hope you understood through my interpretation of what your post to am I the a-hole would sound like, that what you did was really not cool. And Caitlin, I hope you understand through my reading of the same things that you deserve not to be touched in the face with a dirty spoon if you don't feel like it. You know this, you said as much. And the only thing that worries me is that you don't come to me saying,

Judge John Hodgman, yell at my husband for me. You're getting that for free. You came to me asking me to tell Trevor that the forehead is part of the face, to prove or disprove rather, the completely bad faith, gaslighty argument that he made that gave him loophole permission to ignore your wishes. Don't. Don't. I'll say it a third time. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to articulate here, but don't. Don't let Trevor set the terms. Don't come to me asking me to argue back Trevor's goo-goo gaslight argument. If you can't do it, just come to me and say, Judge John Hodgman, yell at Trevor

and tell him to stop doing this. And I'll do it. But also, you should do it. You should do it. You love each other. I know you do. Here's a case from Lucian in St. Helena, California. Picture this scene.

You are on a couch with your partner who is an amazing illustrator, watching an engaging movie. Suddenly, you can see that a gross scene is about to happen. Will it enrich the experience of the movie? Probably not. Is it likely gratuitous? Sure. But before you know it, a hand covers your eyes and the voice behind it says, no, don't look.

You try to look around the hand, but it is very skillfully deployed. All right. I got to break in here just for a second to say, I think this is a Judge John Hodgman first, to have a complaint written in the second person. That is a really wild literary choice. Yeah. It's like interactive fiction or something. This is like a return to Zork situation. Yeah. Oh, no, it's a choose your own adventure all of a sudden. I'm very excited. I'm very engaged.

Very literary. Cool. All right, let's hear some more. Now, I don't really mind too much. Oh, now he switched it to the first person. All right, bring it home. It's not like I'm in a hurry to see these gross scenes, but it still feels like I'm missing part of the movie. Is it weird that I want to watch these scenes?

I'm a poet and my partner, Blair Nakamoto, is an amazing illustrator. So I find it odd we would censor any images at all. Please order Blair to stop covering my eyes. Now, I felt funny about including this letter as well, Jesse, because this guy, this, I mean, I'm not even sure this is a real, Blair should not be touching Lucien's face and blocking his view of the movies without his consent. A, same deal as before. But B also, I feel like Lucien's just stirring up trouble here because he just wants to buzz

market his illustrator partner, Blair Nakamoto. He keeps talking about what a talented illustrator. And I don't normally smile upon this kind of buzz marketing. But then I checked out Blair Nakamoto, Blair dash Nakamoto, and she's great. She's a wonderful illustrator. Incredible collection of snow beasts. Check it out. Blair-Nakamoto. You know, and since Lucian is apparently a poet, he's got to buzz market that illustrator bride. You know, you got to. Where else is the money going to come from?

Good luck, Lucian. You got to keep that hustle up. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, it's time for our new segment, Rudy's Place. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world,

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Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Now, Judge Hodgman, I've been led to believe by you that we have a new segment called Rudy's Place. Rudy's Place. It's the virtual hangout where you go to buy friends e-beers. Rudy's Place. No internet, no yachts, no sharks invited, so have no fears. I'm gonna hit the high note now. I'm gonna ride my horse down Big Toad Road. I'm gonna ride my horse down Big Toad Road. I'm gonna ride till I can't ride

no more to Rudy's Place. i changed the last note so that makes it a fair use parody yeah i think that's how the law works yeah that's how the law works i'm a fake internet judge and that's the theme song to rudy's place our new segment based on rudy's complaints a dad on big toad road. What's Rudy got for us this week, Jesse? We have a letter from Rudy writing to us from Rudy's place. At the risk of being the first person to go 0 for 2 on your show, I bring a case against my wife, Mary. Mary loves glitter. It burrows into carpets and upholstery, and no amount of vacuuming can remove it all.

It lies there until the angles are just right. Then it sends a piercing light beam into the eye, which shatters any stream of thought a person might have going. Glitter has a life cycle. It accumulates in large amounts over the holidays, then revisits on Valentine's Day, then assorted birthdays. At any time of year, it is a rare day when a sudden glitter beam doesn't leap out at me from a rug or couch. Mary is a very festive and charismatic person. In Winnie the Pooh terms, she has a lot of Tigger in her. charismatic person.

In Winnie the Pooh terms, she has a lot of Tigger in her. I am, you probably noticed, more of an Eeyore. I don't want to dampen her zest for life, but I argue she can still be festive

without glitter. Signed, Rudy. P.S. I should add that part of the evidence I present will be a photo of a Sherman tank and it will be

directly relevant to my case. I asked Rudy to share the photo. Yeah. And it is included here and it will be on the show page

at John Hodgman show page at MaximumFun.org as well as our Instagram. Jesse, you have the photo there in front of you. Yeah,

it appears to be a photograph of a Sherman tank. It's definitely a photograph of a Sherman tank. It's definitely a photograph of a Sherman tank. I can't exactly. That's what we got here, John. I'm taking a look here at this photograph. It appears to be of a Sherman tank.

It seems to be a Sherman tank in a park. That's what it looks like to me, yeah. Yeah. It's hard for me to say case closed. Yeah. It's not determinative evidence for me no and i could have asked rudy to explain what this sherman tank has to do with his hatred of glitter i've heard of glitter bombs maybe this is related yeah you think this is a glitter tank or a t-shirt tank yeah either, either one. Maybe it's both. But I thought it would be,

and Rudy, you know, we have this new segment that is just for you with this incredible theme song that is totally legal. So I recommend that you write me again, Rudy, and explain what this tank has to do with the glitter.

In the meantime, listeners, if you have a guess, how to solve the mystery of what a Sherman tank has to do with Rudy's fear of glitter shining into his eyes from the carpet, go ahead and write me at hodgmanatmaximumfun.org, and we'll see if your answer matches Rudy's. And Rudy, when you answer,

well, then maybe I'll have a ruling for you. But until then, Rudy's place is closed. I was taking my two younger children to the flea market recently and we happened to go to a Westside Los Angeles gas station that had a collection of antique vehicles. There were old fire engines and an ambulance, sort of a vaguely Ghostbusters-y ambulance, and a few military vehicles as well. And now when I stop for gas while I'm driving around my four-year-old, Frankie yells at me because I'm not at the tank gas station.

Frankie just goes, where's a tank? Dad, it's no tank. Dad, it's no tank. Like he's worried you may not have noticed. Like it's an honest mistake. Where's a tank? Come on, Frankis. It's all the way on the west side.

That's where it is. It's in freaking Santa Monica or Culver City or something. I live in East LA. I'm not going to West LA. That's the premise of living in LA. You either live in East LA or West LA. I live in East LA. I go to Santa Monica once every six months. I don't even remember where the tank gas station is. What's your local gas station? Where's that? My local gas station is on Figaro. What I like about it is it used to be a shell station. You know, shell gas is really expensive. Right.

Stop being a shell station. Now it's a nothing station. Now it just has a giant shell sign, but they took the shell out of it, so there's a shell-shaped hole. But the gas got like 40 cents a gallon cheaper, so I am in. Yeah. Yeah. What you do is you pass that savings along to Frankie by buying a tank for that station. Oh, thank you.

Yes. You know what I mean? Good thinking. Do you think this Sherman tank might be available? It doesn't look like it's in use. Probably for sale. Probably for sale probably for sale or get a big or get a big uh a big bag full of uh cheapo uh plastic uh toy tanks from a set of army men and every time frankie and you pull into that gas station frank goes where's a tank

just give him a give him a tank see what happens john do we have any letters from listeners we We do, Jesse. Sean wrote in from Westboro, Massachusetts. Now, Massachusetts is a commonwealth in New England, as you know, and I'm sure you're very familiar with all the towns of eastern Massachusetts. Sorry, I'm kind of racking my brain here. I haven't heard of the area, but go ahead. Well, all right, I understand. But you should probably know, surely, that Westboro is near Southboro,

Massachusetts. It's I think to the, the Northwest of Southboro specifically. And Southboro, Massachusetts is where that Wendy's is that I like the one that, the, the one that seems like magical and it has the best hamburger I ever ate. And it made me cry when I ate it.

And I was driving, driving through, I vomit tears of happiness for once. I'm clutching this hamburger. I've always known a Wendy's hamburger to be a medic, but not necessarily in that way. I'm not, I'm not gone to other,

I'm not saying that when this is not, the show is not sponsored by Wendy's. I've had other Wendy's and no good. But time and again, Southboro, it's the one on Route 9 right near the Cumberland Farms. You know the one I'm talking about, everybody. Or at least Sean does. Because Sean's wife, Stephanie, works as a veterinarian near there. And sometimes he goes and drops off their daughter, Alice, child care near that Wendy's.

And he decided to stop into the Wendy's and investigate. And he went and he interviewed the manager because he heard about it on the show. He wanted to know what made it so good. And he said, he writes, I ended up speaking with Eileen, the manager, who enthusiastically informed me that most Wendy's restaurants use a DSG,

which stands for double-sided grill. You knew that, of course. Yeah. And she explained that the DSGs cook the burgers more quickly. But the trade-off is that they have a way of smooshing it too much. In Southboro, the patties are hand-pressed on a regular grill. Needless to say, I savored my burger. So there's a substantive difference.

I looked it up. I looked it up, Jesse. And indeed, you can find the manual for the Taylor Grill Company Model C802 DSG double-sided grill online, directly scanned from the Wendy's Quality Supply Chain Co-op Incorporated. This is the grill that they're supposed to be using up there in Southboro. And it's got a big old press on it. You know what I mean? Like a panini press. You put the patties down the grill and you cook on both sides at the same time.

Smushes them too much, Jesse. That's what's happening. That's the genuine difference that I tasted while crying on my northward journey to Maine after I picked up this burger there. And now I'm really, really happy about this because I know that I'm not just imagining it. There's a quantifiable difference. And Eileen, the manager, is thinking outside the box and doing it their own way. Now I'm concerned that Sean and I may have blown up Eileen's spot. Gonna get in trouble with Wendy's quality control. Going to get their regular grill taken away. Did I mess it up, Jesse, do you think?

I think I probably did. But I do appreciate, Sean, for your work and to resolve the dispute that you put in your postscript. It is wrong for Stephanie to support your daughter Alice's habit of using your own toothbrush, Sean, and chewing on the bristles. You deserve your own toothbrush. But thank you for being a vet, Stephanie. The docket's clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman, our producer, the ever-capable Jennifer Marmer. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. We're also both individually on Instagram at John Hodgman and at put.this.on. Make sure to hashtag your judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. And let's talk about this week's episode in the Maximum Fun subreddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. You've been checking in there a fair amount, John. I see you answering questions and being friendly. Yeah, I go in there. I don't mix it up. I just answer questions.

People have questions about stuff. I answer them. Yeah, if you're going to go to MaximumFun.Reddit.com to be mean about one of our litigants, we're going to give you the boot. But if you're going there to chat and be friendly, be a nice person, yeah, it's great. MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Submit your cases to Judge John Hodgman because we need them. MaximumFun.reddit.com. Submit your cases to Judge John Hodgman because we need them. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at Maximumfund.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Surprise. It's yet another post-credit sequence. Hi, it's your Judge John Hodgman. As you know, this is our private little club that we come to. Those of us who are in the know, we stick till the end of the credits. We have a little post-podcast audio cocktail together, just kind of a little nightcap to the podcast, if you know what I mean. I'm wearing a smoking jacket and my other soft clothes. I hope you're comfortable because in this sequence of post-credit sequences, I'm spinning some tunes for you.

You may recall we had a number of people writing in on a song prompt to write a song in the style of the band Phish about Gary Gygax, the inventor of Dungeons and Dragons for a song that we call Gygax Departs. We've heard from Bradley and we've heard from David. Here's another David. This one's called Dave, Dave Rabinau,

with his version of Gygax Departs. On a gray boat bound for glory, off to Elvin heaven. Rolled an 11 plus a modified 9 Check against immortality We're still stuck in the blood room Waiting for our chance to roll This life can take its toll But you can't spell day by day without D&D So goodbye Gary Gygax

And thank you for the game We're all just wizards and warriors waging one long campaign. Goodbye, Gary Gygax. Your work was a work of art. When we are out of hit points, then like Gygax, we depart. points, then like Gygax we depart.

Rangers and rogues and bards, sorcerers and thieves, we all know what we need, but it's so hard to find a trusted friend who will watch your back.

Check for hidden booby traps. Hold your stuff in their rucksacks when the burden's too much to bear. So goodbye Gary Gygax and thank you for the game. We're all just wizards and warriors waging one long campaign. Goodbye Gary Gygax, your work was a work of art. When we are out of hit points, then like Gygax we depart. Objects moved around in my house and they concluded I had a Bigfoot infestation It's just transmutation magic

You gotta put your life in order Goodbye Gary Gygax And thank you for the game We're all just wizards and warriors Waging one long campaign Goodbye Gary Gygax Your work was a work of art When we are out of hit points, then like Gygax, we depart.

When we are out of hit points, like Gygax, we depart. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.