Judge John Hodgman - The Shears Club

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

This week, Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn clear the docket! They talk about electric vehicle obsession, using scissors to cut food, roads without sidewalks, betting against your preferred candidates, and grocery lists. Plus an update from Britton and Jackson from Episode 402: Double Histameanor!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket. And with me, as always, is the judgest with the mostest. Judge John Hodgman. The judgest with the mudgest. Yeah. Well, you know, either way, we could have gone Judge-ost with the most. Judge John Judgment is the most common mispronunciation of the admittedly hard to pronounce show title. With us, as always, is my friend, Houseman, Judge John Hodgman. Hello, my friend, B bailiff Jesse Thorne. We are, as usual, talking to each other through the miracle of technology, very socially distanced across an entire continent.

You are in Los Angeles. This time I am in the state of Maine broadcasting to you from the sanitized studios of WERU in Orland, Maine. That's 88.9.9 in Blue Hill, 99.9 in Bangor, and all over the world at WERU.org. Across the glass from me is our friend, Summertime producer, Joel Mann. Hey, Judge. Yep, Joel. Okay, easy, Joel. Don't talk, you know, catch your breath for a second.

Don't bring out your signature catchphrase, yup, already. Got to save it for a key time. Joel, are you the program director here? Program and operations. Program, P and ops. Yeah. Yeah, right. That's why we call them pops. That's why we call them Pops.

That's why we call them Pops. But I'm going to tell you, Jesse, we just slated using a website to coordinate our time across this continent to make sure that Jennifer Marmer, our super producer, can mix our dulcet tones together in the proper order.

And so we slate according to time. This website that gives us the correct time. And this website is telling me my clock is 0.4 seconds behind. Devastating news. Jesse Thorne, what other injustices besides my clock being 0.4 seconds slow can we resolve here? We can do our small part to resolve some small injustice here. What do we got on the docket? Here's something from Jessica.

She says, my husband is obsessed with electric vehicles and free charging. We recently attempted to go camping only to find out the campsite had been temporarily closed. Instead of staying at a motel, we spent the night in an empty hospital parking lot because there was a free charger for our car. My husband also refuses to run the dry cycle on the dishwasher in order to save energy. We dream of building or buying a home soon, but while I look at school districts, he needs solar roofs or ICF builds. I don't know what an ICF build is. You keep reading. I'll look it up. I seek an order that we use a gas vehicle on trips that are longer than 10 hours,

so charging stations are not the main factor in our planning. I would also like to use the So an ICF building is a building that is constructed out of ICFs, insulated concrete forms. I thought it stood for ice cream foams. That would have been delicious. Yeah, but you have molecular gastronomy on the brain. I thought it stood for ice cream foams. That would have been delicious. Yeah. But you have molecular gastronomy on the brain. This guy wanted to build his house out of ice cream foam. White chocolate flavored, please. No, it's blocks of polystyrene foam with space in between to pour a concrete wall.

So your concrete is a very... It's like the T.L.T. It keeps the hot hot and the cool cool. Got it. That's a very, very old reference. Sure. To a long discontinued McDonald's sandwich. Is it like Brylcreem? Will a little dab do ya?

Yeah, that's right. If you can read this this you'd be home now you ever have a mcdlt joel no no all right check it out jason alexander from seinfeld who you don't think of as a famous song and dance man did the ad for the mcdlt and i gotta say 1986 or so it's on youtube and it's all like song and dance musical patter music man style from jason alexander as though he's as though he's come to town to sell this town on his new invention a styrofoam box that keeps the cold part of the burger cold and the hot part of the burger hot and just like in the music man everyone's buying hot. And just like in The Music Man, everyone's buying.

Anyway, let's talk about Jessica and her husband. First of all, they should go back and listen to episode 443, Daylight Savings Crime. Similar husband and wife where the husband, in this case Joshua, had put up some solar panels and became really, really into reducing their energy output and maybe being negative energy, like producing more energy than they spent. And also had a drying issue. He didn't want to use the clothes dryer, so he wanted to dry all his clothes on a rack in the basement. And we're like, go for it. And we're like, go for it. In this case, though, I'm concerned the husband might be, I think, turning your vacation into an impromptu hospital parking lot campout is maybe going too far.

What do you think, Jesse? Yeah. I don't know if a hospital parking lot is where I would want to spend any voluntary overnight. Yeah, I'm trying to think of where, like what place with a free charger for a car would be more depressing. I mean, like honestly, if you gave me a choice between spending the night in a hospital parking lot and spending the night in the parking lot of a gentleman's entertainment

venue, I think I might choose the latter. Just on the scale of sad places to sleep. That are packed with Tesla chargers. Yeah. A gentleman's nightclub. Well, I live in Los Angeles, John. That's true. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what it's like. I've never been. Where do you think Robert Downey Jr. spent the night? How dare you? You're talking about Tony Stark, inventor of time travel. Also, Dr. Doolittle. What if Robert Downey Jr. loves this podcast and now he's sad? Oh, well, sorry, RDJ.

You're a very talented man. Yeah, I mean, I think Jessica's husband's heart is in the right place. But that's a bad outcome for what was going to be a fun camping trip. They should have just charged up and gone home, I think, or else they couldn't have. They should have just charged up and gone home, I think, or else they couldn't have. So Jessica wants that I order that they use a gas vehicle on trips that are longer than 10 hours. I don't know if Jessica's husband's going to be okay with that. And I applaud the fact that he is being thrifty and conservation-minded. I think what's lacking here is a certain amount of planning. You should find out if that

campsite's going to be open before you drive your Spark or whatever and get stuck in a hospital parking lot all night. And one of the things that I've learned during the time of COVID-19, I don't know if you've noticed this, Jesse, but there is zero information online about when and what is open that is trustworthy. You have to go back in time and call places and say, do I need a prescription in order to get a COVID test at your clinic? Or is your campsite going to be open? And similarly, Jessica and her husband could go farther than 10 hours with just a little advanced planning about where the charging stations are so you don't get stuck in a parking

lot. I think this is a matter of planning as much as it is about conservation. Now, as far as drying the dishes, Jesse Thorne, do you have a dishwasher, an electric dishwasher? I do. Not to brag, but it's portable, baby. What are you talking about? It's portable. Well, my kitchen doesn't have a place to put a dishwasher.

It does have a place where the kitchen door would open. But we decided to put a portable dishwasher there rather than ever open the kitchen door. So our dishwasher is of the type that is roughly the size of a built-in dishwasher, maybe a little smaller, but rolls around our kitchen on wheels and attaches with a hose to our kitchen faucet. So you could take it with you on a camping trip, say, in a hospital parking lot if you need it. Oh, we take it with us everywhere. I mean, not just camping trips. We're going downtown to the library. We take it with us because you never know when you're going to soil dishes.

Yeah. And also those books are dirty. Oh, hose them down. That's what I say. Wow. A portable dishwasher. Does it have a dryer cycle on it? It does.

Yeah. It has a, it has like a, both a speedy dry and like an econo dry, I think. Yeah. I mean, our dishwasher is broken and it's proved a little difficult to get it fixed because it's not a high priority for anyone right now to come out and fix our dishwasher or for us to have a functioning dishwasher because what I've learned and realized is

it's not that hard to just wash your dishes as you go. And it's rather simple to let them dry for a few minutes and then wipe off excess moisture and put them away. So I would say that, again, Jessica's husband is being thoughtful and conservation minded by not wasting the energy on that drying cycle especially since in a lot of dishwashers it's it's not very effective and there's a lot of residue left over i have no problem with him you know running the dishwasher and then opening it and letting the letting the dishes air dry by bringing out the racks or towel drying all the dishes and putting them away but i do think that it is his responsibility to make sure they're dry

and to put them away because that's his thing. I see no real, I mean, in terms of his everyday practice, I see no real misdemeanor here other than poor planning. I'm not going to find in favor of Jessica entirely. With a little bit better planning, I think they can use their electric vehicle to go far and wide, especially when and if it is safer to do so. But I do order her husband to dry the dishes. And even then, I'm not sure that justice has been served for the night that he made Jessica sleep in a electric vehicle in a hospital parking lot.

So I'm going to order as punishment, as damages, that Jessica's husband has to go spend the night alone in the car in the only parking lot that I can think of that is more depressing and terrifying than a hospital parking lot. He's going to spend the night alone in a car in the parking lot of an abandoned hospital. Good luck sleeping, Jessica's husband. Here's something from Jared. My longtime girlfriend, Emma, uses regular office scissors to cut food instead of a knife. This includes foods with layers and sauce like pizza or sandwiches. We have several perfectly good pizza cutters and knives.

I need you to make her stop because our scissors are gross. I have to say, my first instinct here is that this is an extraordinary innovation. Yeah. Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? Do you have a pair of kitchen shears, Jesse? I have kitchen shears and paper scissors in my kitchen. And what do you use them for respectively? I use kitchen shears primarily for food specific tasks like cutting up a chicken.

Right. I use the paper scissors for opening packaging and also just as a place to keep paper scissors that I need for household tasks. Right. Right. You got that. It's that combo culinary office supply station in your. Exactly.

Right. That makes sense in every kitchen. Welcome to the Shears Club, Jared. Maybe you don't know what Emma is doing. You say she's using regular office scissors, and I'm going to take you at your word. But the use of scissors in the kitchen is not only tremendously common, but great. You know what I like to use scissors for is cutting up chives. You know, just snip, snip, snip.

Right over a plate of scrambled eggs. And as far as your thing about pizza going, first of all, I have two issues. and as far as your thing about pizza going, first of all, I have two issues. One, you say we have several perfectly good pizza cutters. That's a lie. You may have several, but the reason you do is none of them is very good. You ever use a roller pizza cutter, Jesse, like they have in the pizza shop and the pizza pie parlor in New York City, for example? in the pizza pie parlor in New York City, for example? Yeah, but you know what? I recently watched a YouTube video by friend of Max Fun, Adam Ragusea,

who's become a big YouTube cooking star. And on merit, he's wonderful at it. And Adam has a special way of making pizza that he does. And then at the end, he says, don't bother with the roller thing. It's annoying. Just use a knife. And I used a knife and I was like, yeah, this is great. Yeah.

The roller things are a great way to make the crust flat and to not cut the pizza all the way through. Cut the pizza all the way through. Anyone who's ever gotten a pizza pie delivered to your door or from a takeout situation, you get it home. You've got to recut all those slices because those roller things are bad. Perfectly good. You don't have a single perfectly good pizza cutter, I tell you, Jared, except for one thing, one tool, scissors. Now, I agree with you, Jared, that Emma should have dedicated culinary scissors. We're calling them kitchen shears. You don't need any special equipment. A good pair of scissors is fine. Kitchen shears offer you a little extra heft in the handle department, I guess.

But you don't want to be mixing cross-contaminating your kitchen scissors with your opening of packages. Separate scissors. But one thing I saw the very last day we were allowed to travel, just as I was leaving the city of Venice, Italy. Now, Venice is not known for its pizza. In fact, in general, its food is considered to be fairly pedestrian compared to the rest of Italy. But they have it there. And I walked by a big pizza parlor and there's women, there are all these pizzas and there

are these women just cutting them up with with shears i was so excited i i dropped my jaw right into a canal incredible you know they had they also had that was good in venice jesse what's that a chain restaurant it was like somebody's dream somebody's shark tank dream to launch a new fast food restaurant where they boiled fresh pasta on demand and then served it in a cup with your choice of sauces. And it was pretty good. I have to say the pasta was, you know, fresh pasta is great. Sauces are pretty good. And the best part about it was the name of the fresh pasta's great. The sauces are pretty good. You know what the best part about it was? The name of the place?

Post Food. Yeah, that rules. So dumb. Post Food. Oh, well. Anyway, Jared, yeah. Scissors are great. What else can you use scissors for in the kitchen, Jesse?

I mean, haircuts. Yeah, that's right. I completely forgot about haircuts. The final step in the traditional making of a table-side Caesar salad. That's how they do it at the Dalray here in Southern California. Yeah, that's right. The owner of the restaurant comes out and gives you a little haircut. Yep, takes a big wooden bowl, rubs it all over with a fresh cut garlic clove.

The other thing is it's important to squish the anchovy with a mortar and pestle. Yeah. You got to mortar and pestle the anchovy. You got to put in a raw egg, fresh black pepper, freshly grated Parmesan cheese. I think that's in a Caesar salad. Let's say it is. Yeah. Then all the waiters come around. They sing snip, snip, snip, snip. And I don't remember, Jesse, who gets the haircut? The youngest person at the table.

The youngest person at the table. They sit back in their chair. And it's like getting your hair washed at the hairdresser. But instead of putting your head over the sink, it tilts back into the bowl, the salad bowl. And you just get a little haircut snip, a little bowl cut. It's called the origin of the bowl cut. Did you know that?

That's where the term comes from. Oh, I did not know that. But I can see it. They're also at the Delray famous for their pepper steak. What's the pepper steak at the Delray Steakhouse? It's a steak. It's a ribeye.

Yeah. A prime steak, nicely marbled and aged. Then they cover it in pepper. And a little bit of arm hair. Ha! in pepper and a little bit of arm hair. Which is the one that has the leg shavings, the leg hair shavings.

Oh, that's the clams casino. Oh, gross. This is really gross. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Believe it or not. I, when I, when I came up with arm hair, I had an even grosser specific in mind. I bet you did.

But there are children listening. So we'll just say butt hair. You're welcome, parents. Enjoy the rest of your drive. you're welcome parents enjoy the rest of your drive let's take a quick break more items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the judge john hodgman podcast hello teachers and faculty this is janet varney i'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast the jv club with janet varney is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself.

A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go. Hey, everybody. It's your judge, John Hodgman. Recently, we had a great docket episode with the incredible Travelle Anderson as guest bailiff, co-host of the great Maximum Fun podcast Fanti, which you should take a listen to. But it was a podcast that prompted some letters. We often get some. But we did get a few letters around one particular case. This was between Andrea and her husband, Shane. Shane likes to tickle Andrea. Andrea doesn't like it. And even when she tells him to not do it,

he tries to still do it. And Travelle and I both endeavored to make very clear that this was not okay. That as with any question of touching another person's body, full and complete consent should be sought. And if it is not given, or if you were told to stop tickling someone, stop it. Stop it, Shane. We had a lot of conversation around that very serious message, but more than a few listeners felt that that message got a little lost in the conversation. So just to, in thanks to the listeners who wrote in and to honor their concern, I just wanted to reiterate that. Shane, stop tickling Andrea. Don't touch another person's body without consent. All right, let's get back to the case.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We are clearing the docket this week. Jesse, have you ever been in an abandoned hospital or research facility? No, I can't say I have. I have been. I have been. Because acting sometimes happens in them. Sure. And, you know, I'm the star Because acting sometimes happens in them. Sure.

And, you know, I'm the star of the Tina Fey movie Baby Mama. Yeah. We did a long sequence in which Amy Poehler supposedly is giving birth. And we had to go, you know, three hours out of town to find an abandoned hospital to shoot this thing and it was the most terrifying day of my life wandering around these empty surgical operating theaters but then on the the the beloved and late and lamented the tick we worked at in 2018 griffin newman and i and peter seraficz, we all did a bunch of days at an abandoned, I think it was an abandoned Pfizer lab. And it was just like floors and floors of empty laboratories with the most bizarre signage on the creepiest doors.

So there would just be this deadpan sign that just would say cold room. And then there would say cold room. And then there would be a sign. I just took so many pictures when I was there and I just found them in my phone thinking of this. There's a sign where it's just this panel and there are one, two, three, four, five options. Each one has an emergency light that could be illuminated. And the options were alarm, audible silence, audible silence. That was an alarm.

Supervisory means nothing. And then security. But none of those were illuminated. Do you know which one was illuminated? What was illuminated, John? It just said trouble. Right here in River City? Yeah, right here in River City.

That's why you need this big DLT. How do they spell trouble? Was it all lowercase? No, it starts with a capital T and that rhymes with P. And that stands for proceed. stands for proceed. So David asks, which side of the road is the proper side to walk on when there's no sidewalk? I live in Altadena, California. It's a quasi-rural suburban part of Los Angeles where there are almost no sidewalks. I was taught as a child that if you're walking in the road, you walk against traffic on the left-hand side so that you can see the cars coming at you. I notice almost everyone else around walks with

the traffic on the right side of the road. The issue now is staying six feet apart from people. If I'm walking on the left side and someone's walking towards me, who should cross the street to maintain distance? I just became a father, so I'm pushing a stroller. Doesn't feel safe to push the stroller back and forth across the street. Should I abandon my childhood training and just walk with the traffic? First of all, John, before you get into the answer to this, I just want to give a shout out to Altadena, California. One of my kids goes to elementary school in Altadena, California, or does when elementary schools exist. And I just want to give a shout out to a couple

of my favorite Altadena California businesses, Woollima Hat Company and McGinty's Gallery at the End of the World. That's just for my Altadena people. What is the hat company called? Woolli, the hat company? Woollima. It's run by my friend Cody Woollima, W-E-L-L-E-M-A. He makes hats. That sounds awesome. What kind of hats does he make? Beautiful ones. He's a real hatter.

Oh. And then the other place, the gallery at the end of the world? It's a combination antique store and art gallery. And it's run by my friend Ben. They're on the same block right there in Altadena, California. And how can you have a curbside brick and mortar store if they don't have any sidewalks in Altadena? Is this person- It's a commercial block. So there are some, but the residential streets, they're absolutely right. This was terrifying to me because my son's school has a curbside drop-off,

Because, you know, my son's school has a curbside drop-off, but you can only do that once your kid is, you know, in first grade, maybe, let's say. So you have to walk your kindergartner in because otherwise they'll just space out and wander away from the school. Sure. And parking in the neighborhood. That's a kindergartner's job. Space out and walk away. And parking in the neighborhood and walking my son into his school was to me, a city dweller who's used to the mean streets of San Francisco and Los Angeles, absolutely terrifying. Right. To be in this bucolic suburb was horrifying to me.

Yeah. No, I mean, there are very few sidewalks here in Maine. And yet people do need to walk along them, these roads, to get to where they're going. What is the rule of thumb in your growing up, Jesse, in terms of walking in the road, right? You just aim for the center, double yellow lines, and walk straight down that, right? No, you can make kind of an S curve, like evasive maneuver style. Oh, right.

So you're swerving into the different lanes, keeping everybody on notice. Got it, got it, got it. That way to avoid snipers. Yeah. My sincere experience is, while certainly I have heard the, you should walk on the left-hand side to face the traffic

or ride your bike on the left-hand side to face the traffic, from people who are excited to tell you about a counterintuitive thing, generally my experience has been that people walk on the right-hand side. That, Jesse, it may just be a regional difference, but Joel Mann here in Maine, do you walk with traffic or against traffic? I don't like to walk. I know. But let me put it this way.

When you're driving and you see a pedestrian. I honk my horn. Yeah, I know. I know. But in which direction do you honk? Straight ahead of you or off into the other lane? I'll do it both ways. What do you see out there in the roads, Joel?

Deer, moose. Okay, that's enough. Shut it down. Shut it down. Joel. Yeser, moose. Okay, that's enough. Shut it down. Shut it down. Joel. Yes, Judge. What are the other community-supported free-form radio stations in this area? Or is this the only one?

Stephen King has one. That's pretty... Stephen King has a radio station? Yeah, yeah, he does. Maybe a couple. Yeah. Yeah. Broadcast from the basement of an abandoned

hospital. A couple radio stations like James Brown in the 70s? Yeah, he has a sports station, a alternative station, and a classic rock station. No nightmare creature station? Does a classic rock station only play songs by the Rock Bottom Remainders, the cover band that he has with all of his author friends? No, no. You know, John, my late friend and mentor, Kathy Kamen Goldmark, founded that band. Really? Yeah.

And I got to meet Amy Tan and Dave Barry and many of the other members of that novelty band that played at book conventions for charity, featuring lots of famous authors. And my friend Kathy Kamen Goldmark. That's right. Dave Barry, Stephen King, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson, Scott Turow, Mitch Albom, Roy Blunt Jr., Barbara Kingsolver, and honorary member Maya Angelou. Yeah. Maya Angelou was homies with my friend Kathy. And she said, Kathy told me this really great Maya Angelou story one time, which was Maya Angelou was calling in

to one of those psychic hotlines. This is in the 90s when psychic hotlines were really big. I hope I'm not besmirching the memory of the great Maya Angelou by telling this story, but it's a good one. So she would call into psychic hotlines all the time and Kathy was like, Maya, why are you, like you're an educated woman. You know, you have 75 honorary doctorates. Why are you calling into psychic hotlines? And Maya Angelou said in her like Maya Angelou voice,

like, well, Kathy, she said, the first time I called, they said to me before I'd introduced myself, I'd only said my problems. Well, Maya, we think you have this situation. And so I know that they're really psychic. And Kathy said, do you think on the telephone there's anything distinctive about you, Maya Angelou? on the telephone there's anything distinctive about you maya angelo you think all those call-in psychics were tuned into maya angelo's voice i think so after she did the inauguration for bill clinton and everything yeah but amy tan in the rock bottom remainders would dress up in full leather with like thigh high boots and do these boots are made for walking with a whip.

Amy Tan was a cool lady, is a cool lady. Yeah, absolutely. They played their last concert in 2012 at the Animal Conference of the American Library Association. And they also did a gig on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. The rock bottom remainders. Stephen King said there's an audience out there and the key is to kick it in the, well, this is a family non-averse podcast. So I'll say there's an audience out there and the key is to kick it in the butt hair. I'll tell you, I have one other rock bottom remainders anecdote, which is that's family friendly.

I had no idea what door this was going to open in your mind. I'm excited to see what is falling out of the hall closet of your mind at this moment. Go. But this is very family friendly. So Kathy was romantically involved with Sam Barry, who also worked on the radio show that I worked on with both of them. And Sam is Dave Barry's brother. He's a really lovely man and a minister, actually, a harmonica playing minister. Yeah.

And so Dave Barry would be around sometimes, either as a guest on the show or just because he was visiting his family and he was hanging out. and early 90s reading Dave Barry books and wondering if anyone could be so pleasant and gentle a funny dad as Dave Barry appeared to be the answer is yes real life Dave Barry is just exactly like that he's just a really lovely pleasant man oh nice yeah he's so sweet and such a such a dad goof and uh just everything everything you would hope he would be from Harry Anderson's iconic portrayal on Dave's World. You know, I'd do almost anything. I'm looking forward to a time when there are concerts again. I'd love to see these rock band remainders play again. But I guess the point I'm saying,

like Stephen King has radio stations, Joel? That's correct, Judge. With recording facilities? I've never visited one personally. I was going to say, why am I here when I could be doing the night shift at W... KIT. KIT, is that what it is? That's his rock, classic rock station, yeah.

Oh. King Industries Telecom? Something like that. He's very good to us, though work with him oh okay yeah well you guys it's all it's all it's it's like uh it's like the two-party system up here well there is no there is no difference between them it's all you're all one organization on we have all the independent radio it's an independent radio mafia that's it i can't get out of this situation yeah there's nowhere else for me to go i'm locked in no you couldn't go up there all right i guess i'm gonna have to continue to record here even though you were very unhelpful to me just then just say you

know what i'm asking you joel what side of the road do people walk on when they're walking down the road in maine Against traffic or with traffic? I'd say against. Against traffic. Yeah. Or with it, one or the other. Okay. That's all right.

Thanks. Thanks a lot, Joel. I would say that it is more, let me say this. I agree with David that I was also brought up to believe that when you are walking on a sidewalkless road for pleasure, exercise, or mere transportation from point A to B, that you walk against traffic, obviously far to the left of the road, so that you will see cars and make way for them. And they will see you and make way for them. And they will see you. And I think that that is the right way to do it. I did not know in Altadena, I don't know why they're doing this in Altadena.

And I think that it's a problem because there was one time when my wife and I were walking on these main roads and a car was coming and I crossed to the other side to get out of its way. But my wife did the right thing and just moved off to the side of the road. And the driver slowed down and yelled at both of us, pick a side. So I think that consistency is the critical issue here. You don't want to be presenting a surprise to drivers.

And while I don't think walking on the right-hand side of the road with traffic is safer, in fact, I think it's less safe than walking against traffic, even though walking against traffic is scary. It's all scary. If it is the regional custom that people are walking on the right-hand side, I think you should join that crew. And I think, you know, don't wear headphones. A car can't sneak up behind you. Maybe mount a rearview mirror on your stroller. I'm sure those exist. Or mount a GoPro on your shoulder facing backwards that feeds directly to your phone that you mount. I don't know. Just make sure you've got your back covered. Make sure you've got your back covered. And as to your social distancing question, David, this will also solve the same problem. If the custom is to walk on the right-hand side, you walk with the flow and people won't be coming towards you and you won't be having to get out of their way. Anyway, slice it, however, it sounds terrifying. Altadena sounds terrifying, Jesse.

Is it terrifying? No, it, however. It sounds terrifying. Altadena sounds terrifying, Jesse. Is it terrifying? No, it's dope. Shout out to Hughes Estate Sales, my man Todd Hughes. Shout out to the Party Masters. That's just a storefront that I see all the time. I think there's no one works there anymore, but it says that they have records and tapes, but I've never seen it open. That sounds like a fun parking lot to spend the night in.

Heck yeah. Let's kick it at Party Masters. Party Masters sounds great. Here's something from Kate. I've started listening to the podcast Election Profit Makers. Yay. Shout out to David and Starley and all them. And have joined the betting site they use, Predict It.

I'm considering betting on Trump and a small assortment of other Republican candidates, though I'm a Democrat. My rationalization is this. I work many hours volunteering for Democratic campaigns in groups like Fair Fight 2020. We contribute many dollars to these causes as well. If Biden loses the election, I'll be devastated beyond words. I want just a small silver lining. My husband thinks this is a terrible idea. He says I'm betting against everything good and right. Any winnings would be dirty money. He also thinks it's a jinx. Am I wrong here? Should I put all my money where my mouth is and go full blue? Yeah, so for those of you who don't know, Election Profit Makers is a podcast that is made by our friends and colleagues, Starley Kine, David Reese, and David's old friend friend from Chapel Hill, John Kimball. John Kimball is not only a guy who socked away a nest egg

squatting on domain names in the 90s. True story. Incredible. Got to listen to the special election profit makers about the go-go days of registering homework.com, only to get a lot of money for it later. But also he's really into this website called predictit.org, which is, you've probably read about it. It's the kind of virtual stock market like betting or investment website, where you are not investing in financial outcomes, but political outcomes. So you might set up an account with 20 bucks and invest 20, you know, buy 20 shares of, and a market might be, will Donald Trump be the next president? And if you feel that outcome is good, you could buy yes at whatever the market is selling that for,

with your $20 and buy X number of shares and then sell them later if the price goes up or dump them if the price goes down. And Election Profit Makers is a great podcast about that. It's a lot of fun. I just listened to an episode today. I encourage you to check it out. But it comes up quite a bit as to whether you are going to treat your portfolio as an analysis of people's shifting political fortunes and you're making bets based on what you think are likely outcomes in order to make money and have the pleasure of guessing correctly or whether you're going to use it as they call it as a wishing well. Like, I really don't want this person to be the next governor. So I'm going to put all of my money in no and hope that that outcome will happen. Both approaches are fine. I mean, it's your money. And I appreciate, I mean, I get why Kate's husband feels hinky about investing in a presidential candidate that he does not want to win. It feels like a vote. It feels like you're rooting for a side you dislike. But I disagree with Kate's husband in the magical thinking that somehow the way Kate invests her money in this hobby stock market is going to affect the outcome in any way. I went back.

I was thinking about this lately. I always knew that I was going to vote for Barack Obama, both before and after the primary. I was never going to vote for John McCain in 2008 for all kinds of reasons, because of my core values. And yet, you know, I joined with a lot of Americans in feeling that, aside from some very, very serious policy decisions, Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week

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of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in.

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Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel.

Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound.

Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. And you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound.

Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Disputes and in my feeling, immoral choices that he made in terms of public policy. I joined with a lot of Americans feeling like he seems like an okay cranky grandpa who could probably be an okay president. But then I realized that was not true because he was talking about how when he – he had won the New Hampshire primary in the year 2000, lost the nomination to George W. Bush.

In 2008, he made a big point about carrying a lucky feather with him throughout the day on the New Hampshire primary day because that was the same lucky feather he had in his pocket when he won the primary before. And I had a lot of problems with this. One, what's a lucky feather? If you want a luck charm, lucky coin, lucky rabbit's foot, kind of gross, but it's a thing. No one has a lucky feather. That's weird.

You see, a feather is like something you want to just flick off your fingers. Two, this world is not ruled by magic. I don't want a president who is superstitious who believes in magic. in certain broad directions over generations, not by incantations, but by hard work among groups of dedicated people. Kate's betting on Donald Trump in the predicted fake stock market is not a jinx. That's not going to affect anything. That's not going to affect anything. And similarly, the winnings would not be cursed money because there's no such thing as a curse. Kate's trying to protect herself emotionally.

If her candidate, Joe Biden, and I can say, though others on this podcast cannot state their political affiliations, I can say personally, speaking only for myself, Joe Biden is my chosen candidate. Surprise. But if Joe Biden were to not win the election, it would be a small consolation to win 25 bucks off and predict it. But at least Kate will know I made this bet to console myself early on. But the most important thing is that not only does Kate get to spend her money however she wants to spend it, Kate's husband, but also Kate's husband, the only thing that's going to jinx, quote unquote, the outcome of this election is you, Kate, all of us not doing everything we can to work for the outcome that we want. I mean, there's no magic to this fake, phony stock market.

There's no magic in this world. There's only the effort that we put in. That will affect the outcome. Not Kate's ph funny baloney investment. I rule in favor of Kate, obviously, and just remind everyone that as of this recording, we're some 95 plus days out from election day, which will happen on November 3rd, no matter what. I guarantee it. I'm gonna make a bet. I going to make a bet. I'm going to make a bet. I'm predicted right now. I'm going to win big. Everyone's worried that it's going to be

delayed. Can't be. It's not going to be delayed. It's not going to be delayed. There's no time to do the legislation. Let's just keep doing the work as we go towards that day. Work for your candidates. work for your issues, walk in the streets masked and safely in protest of injustice and indecency. Do the work. Don't bother Kate about her fun secret investing portfolio. Do the work. Sorry, you know, I'm an NPR host. I don't have any opinions about politics. And also, I kind of spaced out. I was betting $100,000 on the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. It's going to come true. I just want to have a little silver lining. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do need to clarify that when I say superstition is pointless and there's no magic in the world, I meant specifically the world of politics.

In the world of sports, there's only magic. Yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't be wearing this colorful magnetic necklace if it weren't true. I mean, technically, that's science. So technically that's science. Yeah. I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins lost to the other hockey team on that one hockey game that I ever went to because I put on my Hartford Whalers hat. I know that I caused that to happen.

I disappointed a stadium half full of Pittsburgh fans because I changed my hat. I know it. So, yeah. Kate's husband, go bring your superstition where it counts. Bring your spells and your curses and your hopes and your wishes and your jinxes over to sports. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll hear a case about grocery lists and an update from the litigants of episode 402, Double histaminer. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week, and here is something from Dave.

My partner Cara and I take turns grocery shopping. We use an app on our phones to update a shared grocery list. It's a digital checklist where each line item has a checkbox next to it. When you check the box, the line disappears. Dave, Dave, you don't need to explain it to me. I use this thing too. This is awesome. Go. I prefer to input my items one per line so that they can be checked off as they go in the cart. Kara prefers to list multiple items on one line that pertain to a recipe. A single line input of hers will read smoothie stuff, pineapple, kale, carrots, bananas, et cetera, and so on. Who is using the checklist correctly? Who's driving their partner insane when they pull up the shared list at the store and have to stand awkwardly by the money

cheese island for 10 minutes, separating out all the recipe items into their own individual lines? Dave, you're correct. Dave, you're correct. Cara, you're wrong. That's easy. Next question. Yeah, that one's bananas. That one's not just bananas. It's pineapple kale carrots bananas.

Look, there is a way within, I know the app that you're talking about. And I'm going to tell you right now, it's an Apple product. And I'm happy to advertise for it or any Apple products for any reason. Call me Apple. I want to be, I want to come back. You don't have to, you can create subheadings within that app. And if I were you, I would show Kara how to do it or spend some time as I do, reorganizing the whole list in order of where you're going to encounter this stuff in the store. Just spend some time with the desktop version of the app

to make sure to separate all that stuff out. Because Kara's never going to change. I can tell you, Kara's never going to change. She thinks she's making a shopping list the old way. This is the new way, Kara. So we have something from Britain from episode 402, Double Histaminer. This was an allergy-related case, as I recall,

a couple with some significant allergies. Well, in Britain, I think in particular, had some cat and avocado allergies. The classic combo. Yep, it's called Britain's Dyad. Classically presents. Allergic to both cats and avocados. So what's going on with them?

Hi, Mr. Judge and Mr. Bailiff. This is Britain. And Jackson. From the Double Histaminer episode. We just wanted to send an update to you guys because Jackson and I ended up adopting a puppy about a month ago. His name is Archie. He's named kind of ironically, but

mostly unironically after Riverdale star KJ Apa's rendition of Archie from the Archie comics. He's a perfect little Australian cattle mix that can jump higher than Britain. He would definitely eat a cat if one ever crossed his path and besides that, my allergies have gotten exponentially

worse uh so we definitely won't be adopting a cat anytime soon hope you all are doing well and staying safe with everything going on in this weird reality uh they've sent in some photographs of archie some adorable photographs of archie what a beautiful a beautiful pup and a real doofus. He's got a real doofus face. It's immensely charming to me. I know it's not my job to laugh at animal pictures on this podcast, but this is a delight. These will be on our Instagram

at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman. Oh man, look at this guy. Look at those beautiful eyes. Okay, the docket's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Oh man, look at this guy. Look at those beautiful eyes. Okay, the docket's clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Max Funds subreddit to discuss this week's episode. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO, or you can email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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