Judge John Hodgman - The Statute of Physical Limitations

Episode Date: November 28, 2012

Shumanay has a chronic illness that's limited her physical activity in the past, but she's recently been able to take up running. Now she has her heart set on an endurance race to take full advantage of her newfound abilities. Her husband Jon objects to her participation. Jon worries about the risks to her health, and thinks she should save her energy for a more worthy form of exercise. Should Shumanay run the endurance race?

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, the statute of physical limitations. Schumann brings the case against her husband, John. Schumann has a chronic illness that's limited her physical activity in the past, but she's recently been able to take up running. Now she has her heart set on an endurance race to take full advantage of her newfound abilities. Her husband objects to her participation. John worries about the risks to her health and thinks she should save her energy for a more worthy form of exercise. Should Schumann run the endurance race? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. This is the internet. That's all it is. For two years, we've told them what to eat,

what to drink, what to wear, what pie holes to shut. For Christ's sake, Bailiff Jesse, don't you understand? Americans love fake internet justice. They wean their kids on it. Listen, they love game shows, they love wrestling,

they love sports and violence. So what do we do? We give them what they want. We're number one, Bailiff Jesse. That's all that counts. Believe me. I've been in the business for two years. Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that the only running he does is to tell his manservant to run on his behalf? I do. I do. Very well, Judge Hodgman.

Thank you very much, Bailiff Jesse. Hello, complainant and defendant. Who is the complainant is it uh is it uh shumane yes all right and john you are the defendant yes for an immediate summary judgment in your favor john or shumane can either of you name the particular piece of culture that i paraphrased as i entered the courtroom no it does sound it does sound slightly familiar but i can't think of what it is. Jesse, can you?

I just feel like I have to assume it's something from the newsroom. No, close. Okay. The Running Man. Richard Dawson lecturing Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man about the need for running game shows on post-apocalyptic television. Same screenwriter though, right? Oh yeah, absolutely. Sorkin's got his fingers in a lot of pies.

Aaron Sorkin. Not many people know that Aaron Sorkin wrote The Running Man. He also wrote Conan the Barbarian. He wrote 70% of the scripts of the TV show of V from the 1980s. That was his idea that they should eat hamsters alive. Oh, hello. So you guys know that there is a precedent that I have to take very seriously in this case, because Schumann, you are a spouse who wants to run. And John, you are a spouse who does not want your spouse to run. And do you know that I made a previous injunction in a similar case?

Well, it's not exactly that I don't want her to run. Well, I'm asking you a direct question, sir. Do you know that I made an injunction in a similar case before? No, I've listened to a lot of the cases, but I haven't heard that one. To bring you and the listeners up to speed, there was a previous case where a man wanted to run an Ironman triathlon, and his wife did not want him to run it because of the training involved and the risk to his health. And do you know what I ruled? No. I ruled that he should not be allowed to run.

And do you know what the Internet said to me? What? For shame on you, Judge John Hodgman, for stealing away man's dream to spend 70 hours a week away from his family training for a dumb pursuit of a solitary personal perfection. But I'm just making you aware of what the precedent is. But I'm going to hear this case with fresh ears. Thank you so much. There are circumstances.

Yes. Chumine, you petitioned the court. You mentioned that you endure a chronic illness. Is that correct? Yes. May I ask what that is? Lyme disease. You have Lyme disease.

And how does this affect your day-to-day life? I've been in constant pain for five years and intermittent pain before that. So, I haven't been able to do high-impact exercise for 12 years. I'm very sorry to hear that. So I haven't been able to do high impact exercise for 12 years. I'm very sorry to hear that. Thank you. Did you contract this because you worked on a tick farm? Yeah. It's high risk there at the tick farm. I don't even know why they raise ticks on a tick farm.

There's no market for them. There's no market in tick-ma-culture. There's no market for them. There's no market in ticma culture. And frankly, the free-range ones taste better anyway. It seems like they're just trying to prove a point, but what point it is, I don't know. I'm very sorry that you contracted Lyme disease. Named for Old Lyme, Connecticut, a town.

Is that where you live? No, I live near Seattle. Oh, wow. Those ticks have gotten far. You know, I actually got it in California, so you better watch out. Is that a threat, madam? No, just a warning. So how did you contract this disease?

I was hiking at Catalina Island, and we were being host my it was a family reunion I was being hosted by my stepfather at the time's family and his cousin had Lyme disease that she she was the worker at the the resort that we were staying at and she'd contracted Lyme disease there on the island and it didn't mean a lot to me at the time. I was 13, but I got bitten by a tick there and started to get sick soon after, but didn't realize it was, you know, 13. No, I was 13, so it was quite a while ago. Oh, so you contracted it when you were 13 on Catalina Island?

Yeah, but I wasn't diagnosed until four years ago. Oh, my goodness. And may I ask what your age is now? 38. Oh, my. Wow. So what brought on the diagnosis? Had you been suffering symptoms all that time? I'd had intermittent symptoms.

What brought on the diagnosis was June of 2008. I woke up one morning with what I thought was a migraine, a really severe head pain, but it just never went away. And it was really severe for over a year. And I had seen multiple neurologists. And then I started to develop all over body pain. And one of my neurologists tested me for Lyme, because I had remembered that I'd been bitten by a tick. And that started me down the road to being diagnosed. And when you mentioned that at this family reunion,

your cousin also had Lyme disease, is that a story of weird coincidence? Or are you suggesting that somehow she infected you? No, she was infected in the same location. Oh, the same time. No, she worked on the island, and she'd contracted it there also on a previous year. So you're saying this to establish that Catalina Island is an infested bed of Lyme disease-ridden ticks. Yes.

I see. Well, I expect that we shall get a letter from the Chamber of Commerce of Catalina Island. But all I can do is allow you to make your warning without comment. By the way, I have received a very threatening telegraph from the Tick Ranchers Association of America. Yeah, they're responsive. I should have warned you.

You are going to be getting calls from them for a month every day. You know why? It's that Ted Turner. He's the biggest Ted tick rancher in America. He's very contentious. He owns the largest private tick herd in North America. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, no.

Well, Aaron Sorkin knows. He's writing a new series about it. Okay, well, I'm very sorry to hear, and I hope that with the diagnosis that now you're receiving some treatment that may be offering some comfort to you or no, or as monstrous as ever for you. No, I started treatment about a year after three and a half years ago. And I've been doing a lot better. My, my head pain never actually went away, but it's much, much better. And I have various types of pain all over my body, but often it waxes and wanes. And over the summer, and the best chronic Lyme disease is very controversial. And people... Because it's racist?

That's one thing it's not. Why is it controversial? Because the American Medical Association only acknowledges that Lyme disease is an acute illness. only acknowledges that Lyme disease is an acute illness. So they say that if you've been treated for six weeks and still have symptoms, that you have something called Lyme syndrome or something like that that's basically... Lyme-steria? Exactly. The psychosomatic imagination that you have Lyme disease?

Yeah. Well, the American Medical Association doesn't believe that Catalina Island exists. So there we have a different – I'm sensing a trend. So I did not realize that that was – that chronic Lyme disease is a controversial diagnosis. But may I ask what treatments you are receiving? I have been on antibiotics since three and a half years ago. Okay.

And that has alleviated some of the symptoms. Yeah, much, much better. Now, John, you are married to Shumaneh? I am. How long have you been married? Going on 15 years. Oh, my goodness. And you did not marry her, obviously, when she was 13 years old.

You've only known her during the period of her illness. Well, I knew her before her period of illness. I mean, she didn't become seriously ill. Did you meet at the family reunion? Are you also a cousin? How long have you guys known each other? We knew each other about four years before we got married.

My point was that she didn't become acutely ill until about four or five years ago. Oh, I see. You're a shill for the AMA. You don't believe it. No. What marked the four or five years ago start of the current period of her Lyme disease in your mind, sir? The constant head pain.

Yeah, waking up with the head pain. Okay. Yes. And so your wife would like to go running and enjoy some fresh air and be let out of the Lyme disease iron lung that you force her to live in. And why is that? Why do you object to this? Well, I don't object to running. I'm very supportive of her.

Well, I personally object to running, so you don't have to suck up to me. I hate running. Are we allowed to say the name of this event, or are we not supposed to? Oh, it's a specific race. Yes. No, I think it's germane. I'll allow it. Okay.

It's called the Tough Mudder. Okay. You've allow it. Okay. It's called the Tough Mudder. Okay. You've clearly made that up. You would think. So, Mike, my concerns are on two levels. One is for her health. And I see that when her health is improved— Well, wait a minute.

Before you explain why you object, what is the Tough Mudder and why does it have that hilarious sports name? Well, that goes into one of my objections. You think it's a dumb name. What is the race? It's supposedly designed or partially designed by British special forces. And it involves all sorts of crazy swimming through mud, crawling through pipes, jumping through ice baths, crawling through electrodes. Crawling through electrodes? Yes.

Does that mean that Shumane would have to shrink down like the atom to become microscopic? And then is it a race through the long-distance telephone lines? Crawling through electrodes? Well, that's not a very good one. They're dangling lines with electricity flowing through them. Oh, so it's a taser race. It's a taser race. A good old-fashioned taser race.

You are essentially talking about the movie The Running Man. Like, is she going to have to fight an opera-singing hockey player to hockey player? Will you be competing against other enemy combatants? On the contrary. Okay. All right. Go on. It's actually a team race. And the reason that I began considering this race in particular or this event in particular is that my brother who is two years older than me

was invited to do it by some friends last year and he saw that I was doing so much better than I had he invited me to do it with him okay which is when the conversation began and he has actually done it now once so he invited he invited you and and and you and that's when you and John started fighting over this and the fight continued beyond the event itself. Yes. And so you missed out on the chance to run with your brother through electrodes. I missed out on the first time he ran through electrodes. Right. And the second time is coming up next year.

And he has invited me again. And one of the – it's appealing to me because it's my brother and it's a team race. So it's not, it's, he keeps reminding me, it's not a race, it's an event. So you don't try to do it as fast as you can. You try to challenge yourself to do it as well as you can. And your teammates help you. There are obstacle walls that you climb up and teammates can pull each other up or push or whatever your team members might need help with. And he is excited to help me through it to the extent that I need help. And he thinks that I might be able to help and encourage other members on his team as well. How many people are on a team?

There are six members on his team so far. Is there a set number of people for each team? I don't think so. So you can get up to 500 people per team? Well, I'd have to look into that particular rule. And if the goal is not to complete the race as quickly as possible, what is the goal? To survive? For there to be one person who lives?

To challenge yourself to the extent – to the greatest extent that you can and to help your team through. So this – what's really weird here is that this is like – it feels like, yeah, it's non-competitive. Everyone helps each other. It's like this weird combination of like a trust fall and the Hunger Games. John, so you have two objections. Yes. My first is her health concerns because I do see how much happier and how much better she's doing day to day. And so I don't see any reason to knock herself back health-wise for something like this race.

I think— Do you have any reason to expect that she would? I know her very well, and she doesn't like to be cold and wet, and it just sounds like a ridiculous— But do you have any reason to expect that crawling through electrodes and swimming through mud and the other aspects of this race will specifically exacerbate the symptoms of the Lyme disease. Yes, because sometimes when we just have to walk out to the car and it's windy and cold, her neck starts to seize up and she might be uncomfortable for the whole rest of the evening just because we had to walk to the car when it was windy and cold out.

Do you run through electrodes to the car? Usually we avoid the electrodes. That may be the problem. Yeah. Okay, what's the number two concern? Well, back to what this race actually is. And in my opinion, it's more of just a marketing money-making event. It was actually founded by a Harvard business student when he was in his senior year at Harvard, and it was all about making money.

You know how that upsets a Yale man. I may have to recuse myself. There actually are accusations that he was working with sort of a small scale – a person that was running an operation like this on a small scale and asked if he could shadow him for a senior thesis and then basically stole the idea to make all this money on this event that he's created. This is actually going to be Aaron Sorkin's sequel to the social network. Exactly. Yeah, there are some parallels to another story we know of. So you don't like the dude who started the race? Well, I think that if you look at what we've already talked about, there's no actual winning. It's sort of a disturbing trend in a lot of American sporting events.

And I think these are the same kids that grew up where they weren't allowed to lose at a soccer game. And now they've created a race where it's not possible to lose. Look, what would be an acceptable sport to you, sir? I'm not really a fan of marathons, but at least in a marathon, there's some sort of standardized metric for what a good time is and what an accomplishment is. And you don't get to just skip parts

because you don't like to run uphills or downhills. Now, as far as what she would enjoy. Your argument is you don't want to let your wife who has Lyme disease to run this course because it's not tough enough on her. No, hold on. That's a mischaracterization of his position. It's because it's insufficiently quantifiable.

Oh, all right. Now that you put it in those terms, how would you know that she had gotten something out of it if there weren't a point associated, a universal point system associated to it. You can't trust her to say that she enjoyed it. So therefore. And to be clear, I have not told her she can't do it. I just have never been. But you want me to rule to say that she, to prohibit her from doing this? Not necessarily. She's the one that brought the case. I've always told her if she wants to do it, she can train. I'll go and I'll watch. She's asked that I would do it with her and I've told her no, I'm not interested. I think she just wants me to be more supportive about this particular event than I am. Is that truly what you are bringing to this court, Shumaneh? That you want him to be more supportive of your weird endurance trust fall?

Well, I think the answer to that question would speak to the controlling monster point that you made earlier. Okay. I'll allow it. Make your point. He has told me that I cannot do it. Not in the sense that he's going to strap me to the garage and not let me leave the house, but he does not want me to do it, and he's asked me not to.

So strapping to the garage is not part of the race? No. Okay. But he has expressed his disapproval of the sport intrinsically and you doing the sport contextually. Is that correct? Yeah. All right.

I object to it being called a sport. I understand, sir. I object to it being called a sport. I understand, sir. As I say again, as far as I'm concerned, it's all arbitrary rushing from one place to another. If I could interject, maybe we could get some kind of picture of how John feels about this event. That might be helpful. Like if he thinks it's a real sport or just a little bit of background on his overall. Well, you know, I did actually send in some pictures.

Okay. You have sent in evidence and it would seem to be, I see it's a little Photoshop presentation that you put together, two different photos. So one of them is a dude with an old timey handlebar mustache who looks and has a number written on his forehead. I presume that's the mark of the beast. Who is that guy? He's a Tough Mudder competitor. Okay.

And the other guy is a guy also covered, not in mud, but a green sort of slime. And he's wearing a red helmet. Who is that guy? That is a competitor on Nickelodeon's Double Dare. In the first photograph, he appears to be a grown man holding a beer. Are you sure that this is a competitor on Double Dare? He's wearing a Double Dare shirt. Presumably you got this from the internet.

Actually, it was from Nickelodeon website. Right. Actually, it was from Nickelodeon website. Right. You know what? It may be one of the many adult-themed double dare parties that were held at a lot of frats in the 90s. Yeah, it could be. If you scroll down through, there's several pages where I did. I'm not going to scroll down.

I'm sorry. I can't operate this computer properly. And, oh, there are more pictures. But the whole point of this is to suggest that this sport is dumb, right? Yeah, it's not a sport. It's basically a knockoff of Nickelodeon's Double Band. Your argument is that I should prohibit your wife from doing this sport because it is dumb and it offends your taste and you're appealing to my anti-hipsterism. But you are forgetting, sir, I also have a handlebar mustache.

So, and this guy is smiling and having a good time. So you're asking me to rule against people having a good time. Is that not so true? I know my wife well, and she will not have a good time at this event.

Why? Because she will be miserable. She cannot handle being, she will not want to jump in an ice bath. She cannot handle being shocked in an electrode. I think she's tough, and I think that we would enjoy doing some other challenging physical activities together. And there's several other things that we've discussed, but I just don't think this is the event for her. Specifically, what other activity would you propose?

Snow skiing, and also she's, I started, I took my first surfing lessons last winter and she's expressed interest in pursuing that with me as well. Did you say snow skiing? Yes. As opposed to water skiing? Correct. Okay. Is that, or is there some extra special skiing known as snow skiing? Or is there some extra special skiing known as snow skiing? Because that sounds a little redundant to me. No, it was to distinguish between other types of skiing. Okay.

So instead of the ridiculous sport of running through mud and challenging yourself in an obstacle course, you instead suggest the noble and meaningful sport of standing on pieces of wood and sliding. Well, not that any of them are very meaningful, but some of them would certainly be more enjoyable. And now your final argument, Shumaneh? Well, I don't think I've made any – can I make a – sorry. Well, you've made a very plain argument, which is that you want to do it. Well, you've made a very plain argument, which is that you want to do it. Do you feel, what is the likelihood that this is going to cause a painful relapse of your Lyme symptoms? I don't think the likelihood of that happening is great at all. My doctor, I have a pain specialist that I see once a month.

And I saw him last week and I told him about this race and asked him specifically if he thought it was a good idea for me. And he got really excited and said, yes, I think it would be great for you to set a goal like this, to train for something this specific and to accomplish something like this. And on the off chance that it does increase your pain, we can deal with that. Did this doctor go to Harvard? Not that I know of. There may be a conflict of interest. Was he covered in mud or slime and did he have a handlebar mustache? He does have a handlebar mustache. He does? Yes. John, do you have a handlebar mustache? Not at this time,

but you know, I would like to say the doctor would clearly benefit from her increased pain and increased doctor's visits. When you say doctor, are you just talking about a bartender at a prohibition-themed bar in Brooklyn? Yeah, I call him my pain specialist. Are you just talking to various characters on the television show Boardwalk Empire, speaking to the TV? No, but this doctor is an MD? He is an MD, yes. He travels around the country and teaches pain management to other medical – Wait a minute.

All of a sudden now I am as suspicious of this mustachioed man as your husband. I believe he's actually a DO, isn't he? He travels – He's an MD specializing in DO, whatever that is. Okay. What is DO? doctor's odor doctor of osteopathy i believe it refers to can i make another point wait a minute all right yeah go ahead make your other point i have been unable to exert my own will over my own body for the past

five years. I've just been living in this cocoon of pain without being able to do what I want to do. I've been, my activities have been dictated quite severely by this disease and this pain that I have. So when I'm feeling better and when there's actually an opportunity for me to choose the activity that I want to do, it feels unjust to tell me that I can't do an activity that's legal and moral that I choose to do, regardless of whether or not he's a fan. I only became aware of this activity because my older brother, who I like very much, asked me to do it with him. And I would very much enjoy having an activity with my brother. And I don't think it's any of John's concern whether or not he thinks it's a sport or whether or not he thinks I'll enjoy it. I think I'll enjoy it.

And I want to do it because I haven't had a lot of choice over what this body has been able to do. And this is a choice that I can make. What sort of training would be involved before the sport or is it just the day of you get out there and mud it up? I would run to train for that. I would do upper body training to make my upper body stronger, push ups and pull ups and things like that. Yeah, I've things like that. Yeah, I've read about this. Is there a cost to enter the race, a financial cost? Yes, there's a – Oh, you know there is. Yeah, I know.

I get it. How much is – what does it cost, John? $150. $150 clams. It goes straight to Harvard. That's not really the biggest concern, but you know. Is there a piece of evidence you'd like to present? Yes, please. My brother wrote a letter testifying on my behalf.

It says, Dear Judge Hodgman, my sister Shumaneh could benefit from participating in the Tough Mudder next October. The purpose of this event is to push yourself mentally and physically and to raise as much money as possible for people with mustaches. It is not a race. This is an interpretive reading. We should explain. Six-person team Shu, that's your nickname, Shumane, will be helped through the parts she finds difficult as well as helping the others through the sections they find difficult. Plus, it's a chance to get all muddy. I admire Shumane's desire to set a goal and push herself given her past health issues. I think finishing the Tough Mudder will give her a great sense of accomplishment and be a victory for her physically. It will also increase her tolerance of

electrode chucking. You added that. John has said that the Tough Mudder is quote-unquote lame. Having run in last year's event, I can tell you it is not. It's a chance to prove to yourself that you're still a badass even at this age. I presume your

brother is 95 years old? He's 40. 40. Well, he is an old man. A chance for Shumanay to regain her physical self-confidence after dealing with pain for so long. I challenge John to take part in next year's event as well, because for every person that I recruit to the race,

I get $500. No, that does not say, it doesn't say that in here. People who suggest that this is some kind of pyramid scheme are suppressive persons and they have to be stopped. No, that's not here. I'm looking at the text. That's not here. Ticma culture is a noble American pursuit that is going to solve humanity's problem.

You have to understand the difference between things you see and things you feel, Judge Hodgman. Thank you, Nick Harvard, loving brother. Well, that's interesting. You left off the best part. Oh, excuse me. Oh, yeah, I see here. So I challenged John to take part in next year's event as well so that he can see and feel the camaraderie that develops between sisters and brothers, teammates and friends. Thank you, Nick Harvard, loving brother. All right.

I think I have everything I need to make my decision. I'm going into my chambers. I'm going to walk at my own pace into my chambers, and I will not let anyone judge me or how I do it. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Shumaneh, you've got to be feeling pretty good about your chances at this point. Yeah, it seems like John sort of made a case for himself being, what was it, a controlling monster? a case for himself being, what was it, a controlling monster? John, how does it feel? How does it feel to be painted in that light?

Well, I can see your point. And it's unfortunate, I guess, the things that I chose to focus on today. And apparently in your relationship with your wife. Well, there's really no way that I win this case either way. I do want to ask one last question. We heard a lot about conflicts of interest with regard to college. I feel like just full disclosure, I want to get this out there. I went to UC Santa Cruz. Disclosure, I want to get this out there. I went to UC Santa Cruz. Did anyone involved in this case directly or peripherally go to UC Santa Cruz's hated rival, which I guess is maybe Cabrillo Community College? No.

Okay, thank God. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the courtroom. First of all, I want to apologize that I'm covered in mudhing of all sports, my loathing of hipster affectation, my loathing of Harvard, and obviously my loathing of Double Dare on Nickelodeon. Obviously, my living of double dare on Nickelodeon. You took a tack that I did not expect, where you rather than expressing concern for the for the health and well-being of a woman that you love. You instead attack the sport and by extension, her taste for being for being dumb. And so and so beneath your contempt that I should rule summarily against it. And I have to say, there was a large part of me that wanted to agree with you for all of those reasons.

You showed me a picture of a tough mutter. The man looks like an old-timey boxer who fell down on an unpaved street on a wintry day. He got up. You thought that I would hate him for being a hipster and having that mustache, but you forget that I have a mustache. And you forget that I know what a smile looks like when I see it. And that dude is having a good time. I do not stand in the way of people having good times.

And I certainly do not judge the way people have good times, even if it involves sports. And what you do not know, sir, are these two things. One, the reason I ruled against the dude who wanted to run the Ironman triathlete was not because he wanted to do sports that I thought to be dumb and time-consuming, but because he had promised that he would not continue to do those sports to his wife. And yet he had already run one more marathon than he had promised to run and now wanted to take it further and would be essentially abdicating his role in the family. And they had two children for 50 hours a week in order to do this thing that had health consequences, potential health consequences as well. And I did not order him not to enjoy his sport or have a good time. I ordered him to honor his promise to his spouse because spouses need to deal squarely with one another.

So I think you see where this is going, sir. The other thing that you miscalculated is the fact that of all the sports, it is indeed the sports of solitary self-perfection that I understand better than most. say again, there's very little between a cyclist or a weightlifter or a runner who is working towards an internal personal goal and someone sitting in a basement painting a lead figurine to perfection. So unfortunately, sir, you appealed to the wrong aspect of my nature. But even if you had spoken purely of care for your wife, I think that with the assent of her physician, although I agree he does have a mustache and that does seem like to you start to think of snake oil. Presuming that this guy is an accredited medical doctor who has signed off on this, I think that the argument for her to give it a try and to work with her loving brother and supportive brother to get through this race, even if it means accepting a return of certain symptoms for a period of time and accepting that responsibility, that's a very compelling argument and not one that I am prepared to go against. So, sir, I order you to stop bugging your wife about your feelings on

this sport. You do not have to like the sport and you do not have to even go to watch or participate in the sport and indeed I am tempted to order you to stay home so you can feel just like the heel you would be if you did that but I will merely instead

say Shumane, I wish you good mudding. Please take care of yourself. Watch out for electrodes and for snakes and for murderous hockey players and for all the other weird things that this thing is going to throw at you. It cannot be worse than life itself. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Shumaneh, how do you feel? I feel pretty good. I was sort of hoping the judge would sentence John to do it with me, but I will take this victory. I will never sentence a person to do sports. That is cruel and unusual punishment as far as I'm concerned. The point is people like what they like and you can't force them to not like a thing that you think is dumb because people have mustaches.

Go ahead, Jesse. Next question. John, how do you feel? I feel great. Thank you. No, no, no. Oh, sorry. No, John. John, how do you feel?

I definitely miscalculated my case. I thought I had a strong case, and obviously I didn't. I think one of my problems is that this is the kind of thing I would usually run by Schumann to get support and pointers on how to have a stronger, you know, if I'm writing a paper or any other situation. So I wasn't able to get her help on this, unfortunately. So obviously I bombed. It feels bad not to have the help and support of your spouse, doesn't it? Oh, yes. Well, wow. I'm going to have to go do some real soul searching.

John Schumann, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you, guys. This episode of Judge John Hodgman is supported by donations from MaximumFun.org listeners. And in part by Squarespace. If you want to build a website, Squarespace gives you a free domain name, handles all the hosting, has 24-hour customer support, customizable templates, responsive design, basically anything you want. Go to Squarespace.com slash Judge John for your free trial. No credit card required. Thank you. Everything you need to build an exceptional website. Jesse Thorne here, proprietor of MaximumFun.org. Look, we had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California.

So, unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, Max Fun Con West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to Max Fun Con before, get ready to reunite with your old friends. And if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones. Registration is now open at maxfuncon.com. So act fast. Max Fun Con pretty much always sells out. We don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to Judge Hodgman, I can't help but notice that you're covered in... Is that mud? Yeah.

And are those electrodes? Yeah. I don't know, I kind of like the sound of that sport. And I realize that what was missing from my self-electrocution was mud. Sure. Hey, speaking of torture, let's clear out the docket. Craig, it's not torturous. Look, I was speaking ironically, America. No, he was talking about my self-torture habit of electrocuting myself with wires, of self-tasering. Craig writes...

It's how I keep myself going, everybody. American Psycho on television. He came into the room about 10 minutes into the movie and was, by his own admission, enjoying it. Grant then left the room claiming he couldn't continue or he would ruin it for later. I've tried to get him to watch TV shows with me but he has the same issue with them. He insists that he can't watch a series until he can start from the beginning. Can the judge force my roommate to give up this annoying habit and just enjoy watching wherever he begins in the story? Well, it's two different issues because you start a movie. You know, the difficulty of restarting a movie is much smaller than the difficulty of restarting an entire television series. I would say that in terms of your friend coming in in the middle of a movie and then not wanting to watch the movie

because he'd like to see it from the beginning, that's his choice. And I think if you were a good friend, you would just restart the movie. And then you guys would be pals and eat some popcorn and what a time you would have. When it comes to restarting a television series, I've mentioned it before and I will only say it again.

I started watching Boardwalk Empire as soon as Bobby Cannavale was on that show because he's great. And now I love Boardwalk Empire. And then I was moved to go back and rewatch it from the beginning, which I had not watched all of.

And I really liked that show. So as far as I'm concerned, however you come to discover the things you like, it's fine with me. There is no hard and fast rule. The point is get out there and start learning about things that you like and watch things and enjoy the culture and take in new things so that you learn about new things that you like. How about that?

Sure. I'll buy that for a dollar. Fine. I don't actually have a dollar on me. Can I give you an IOU? That's fine. Here's something from Jamie. I seek an injunction

against my boyfriend, John. We recently moved in together, and I find one of his habits to be both unsanitary and obnoxious. I do, too. It's gross. I always cut my finger and toenails over a trash can. John will cut his nails on the bed or sofa and then collect

the discarded nails before placing them in the trash. John thinks the nails aren't unsanitary, given that they were formerly attached to clean human appendages. He also purports to collect all the clippings, but I think it's always possible that nails will fall on the floor or get lost on the sofa. Is cutting nails on the sofa an okay thing to do in an otherwise clean and tidy living space? Should John be required to cut his nails over the trash?

Just remind me, these people are not married? These are, this is a boyfriend and girlfriend, or possibly boyfriend and boyfriend. One of them's named Jamie. Right, but not a married couple. They do not appear to be married. And they're not old people? Well, it's difficult to say that, but it seems unlikely that they're old people. Well, here's how I can tell they're not old.

Because there is still a question about whether or not it is appropriate to cut your nails on the sofa in front of the other person. If they were old married people, that would no longer be a question because no one would care about anything anymore. That's why they're called the greatest generation. I sense that this is a young couple that is not married and therefore it is inappropriate to do gross things like clip your toenails on the couch not because the house is

otherwise neat and tidy. I'm sure it is not. At least not to my standard. And certainly it is absolutely true that there is no way that John is collecting up all those toenails. That he is missing probably three out of every ten clips. But that is still, you are still young and you are still not married. There is still something that you should be hiding from each other. Go do it in private.

And go do it in the bathroom over the garbage pail. That is my ruling. Hey, if you have beef with someone in your life and you'd like Judge John Hodgman to settle it, there's an easy way to do it. Go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho.

Oh, I thought you were going to order people to send me beef. That does sound good. If you have a dispute or some mail order stakes that you'd like me to have, the most convenient way is to go to MaximumFun.org slash J.J. Ho. J.J. Ho. send an electronic mail directly to me, which I will review and determine whether your case is suitable for hearing in the podcast, suitable for handling in a docket, or suitable for handling in the pages of the New York Times magazine, where I have my little column net once a week.

And if it's not suitable for any of those things, I will, if time allows, attempt to explain to you why. Wow, that's very generous of you. I look forward to receiving many emails from this webpage, MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, and all of these people who are going to share their beef with us. Are they really going to send us some beef? I really hope they send us some beef.

The first person who sends us beef through the mails will be thanked and then promptly arrested. through the mails, will be thanked and then promptly arrested. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. That is all. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville.

You can check out his podcast, Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org and our Facebook group at Facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.