Judge John Hodgman - The Thank You Light

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

It's time to clear the docket! Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn discuss Sequim, WA, Grape Nuts and eggs, car communication features, dollops of mayo, Lord of the Rings trivia, and much more! 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne, and we're in chambers this week clearing the docket. With me, as always, is the king of Italian college radio, Judge John Hodgman. Oh, everybody, everybody should find an extremely, to me, esoteric podcatcher called Spreaker. Do you know about that one? Spreaker? Yeah, that's a classic. Spreaker. Is it a classic? Okay, I'd never heard of it before. As far as I can tell, that is the only place that you can listen to Radio Caffascari, which is the college radio station of the University of Caffascari in Venice, Italy, that all night

long they play music that sounds like um it sounds like uh chase scenes from european spy movies yeah and then and then a lot of different kinds of jazz and then a lot of cuts by the american novelty lounge act richard cheese that's what we're just talking about that's quite a bouillabaisse you know what i don't know what A lot of cuts by the American novelty lounge act, Richard Cheese. That's what we were just talking about. That's quite a bouillabaisse. You know what? I don't know what they call a bouillabaisse in Italian, but that's what it is.

Bouillabaisse. That's quite a ragu. I'm updating it to a ragu. That's quite a ragu. Well, I can't wait to get back to Venice, Italy. Ever been to Venice, Italy? No, I'd love to go. I understand they have canals there. I have been to the false Venice, Italy in Las Vegas, Nevada, which is not that cool

unless, as I was, you're there with Robert Krolwich, who loves it and wants to tell you all about it. And it's really fun because right there is Robert Krolwich and he's just as fun in real life as he seems like he would be on the radio. Well, one thing that Venice, Italy of Italy and Venice, Italy of Nevada have in common, two things actually. One, they both have canal monsters. Right. Little known cryptids, canal monsters.

Canali. Yeah. Canali and little Canali. And then two, they had to breed a second canal monster off of some some cloned cells from the original canali to put in las vegas yeah otherwise how could the simulacrum progress and the other thing is honestly both places shouldn't exist like it's both impossible places but i would say that ven, Italy, I think has the slight advantage because when you're walking through Venice, Italy, you feel more like in a Miyazaki movie than any other

place on earth. I would venture to guess. Certain Miyazaki movies. Here's a case from David. I'm writing as the mayor of Port Townsend, Washington on behalf of our neighboring jurisdiction, Washington on behalf of our neighboring jurisdiction, Sequim. It's true. I really am the mayor. Check out bit.ly slash Dicktown WA. I don't think Port Washington's nickname is Dicktown.

I think that must be a, that must be a, a fond reference to the TV show that David Reese and I made, which you can check out at bit.ly slash Dicktown period. But yes, I've checked it out. He is the mayor. David is the mayor. I followed the link. And unless it's an elaborate oaks, Mayor David is truly the mayor of Port Townsend, Washington,

north of Seattle there. What is his problem? I am seeking damages against Jesse Thorne. Wait, hold on. That's me. For his violent, albeit reasonable, mispronunciation of sequim. The E is silent. It's effectively a one-syllable word and is pronounced squim.

What? He can pronounce the town of Puyallup however he wants. David J. Faber, mayor, city of Point Townsend. Wait. Squim. I don't know are you that are you playing a joke on us mayor david i guess i have to believe him he's the mayor yeah i don't know anything about puya puya puya up at all i will say this we're in for a few corrections here's another thing that i never would have guessed in accordance with the pronunciation of Squim. After all those years of listening to Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys and loving those songs so much and offering probably what's been confirmed to me via email, a fairly good rendition of New San Antonio Rose on an earlier episode of this podcast.

I sort of mused like, I don't know who the woman is in the band who's always going, aha, this woman is always going, yee-haw, in the middle of the song all over and over again. That's Bob Wills, it turns out. A number of listeners very kindly wrote in

to recommend lots of different Western swing bands, and I appreciate all your recommendations, including Asleep at the Wheel. But a number of them also pointed out that Bob Wills had a very high voice. And all these years, I misunderstood who that was. So these mistakes happen and I can take them in good humor. But Mayor David, I appreciate your writing in for defending the honor of Squim. Port Townsend seems like a pretty cool town, Jesse. It's known as a Victorian seaport and arts community up there in northern Washington. And I'll tell you what, Mayor David, Jesse and I will come to your town of Port Townsend. If you'll guarantee a sellout at the Rose Theater for live Judge John Hodgman, live justice. And also, Mayor David, I want the entire council there.

That's right. I want Deputy Mayor Amy. I want Council Member Aislinn. I want Council Member Ben. Ben, you look like my kind of guy. Council Member Libby Erner. Council Member Monica. Council Member Owen.

You all have to be there. And I want a proclamation that it's Judge John Hodgman Day in Port Townsend. Then, and only then then can we put this beef behind us. Is that fair to you, Jesse? I want to meet Sean Kemp. Who's that? Former Seattle Supersonic star, Sean Kemp. Yeah, we have to have that guy too.

He has his own marijuana brand. That's our rider. That's our rider for the Rose Theater, Mayor David. I know you can make this happen. We will also offer in a public apology to Squim. But I don't know that I want to go to Squim. Let me know, Squim. If the mayor of Squim is out there, A, why aren't you standing up for yourself? Why are you letting Mayor Dave take all this heat? You should stand up for yourself, Squim. Don't let Port Townsend do all your work for you. And B, if you've got a counteroffer, who's the name of the player you want? Sean Kemp. Yeah, if you can get Sean Kemp and Mayor

David can't make that happen, I'm sorry. That's how it goes. You know what? Who knows? Maybe Schoolhouse Point or Discovery Bay or Chimacum will come through with Sean Kemp and Detlef Schrempf. Whatever it takes. We're itching to get back on the road again. And we will come, we will come to those, these lovely cities by the Bay. Whoever can produce the entire city council, the proclamation of judge John Hodgman and bailiff Jesse Thornday in your town or city and produce Detlef shrimp and the other guy.

That's it. That's the rider. Don't worry, Jesse, you're not the only one who got picked on this time. Read this next letter, you'll see. I get some heat too. Here's something from Dave in New Jersey. Dear Judge Hodgman, I'm responding to your recent call for food-related disputes, and I'm sorry to report that my dispute is with you. And I'm sorry to report that my dispute is with you.

On February 21st, 2021, in response to a mention of grape nuts on the podcast, I wrote in with a grape nuts and poached eggs recipe that I enjoy. In a subsequent show, you ruled against me and sided with my family who feel that poached eggs and grape nuts is gross. This ruling delighted my son and daughter, but has stuck in my craw for months. How could Judge Hodgman dismiss the principle of you like what you like so easily? Not just for months. Not just for months, Dave. You've been carrying a grape nuts grudge for more than a year.

More than a year, Dave has been carrying. You know what's in your craw, Dave? Grape nuts. They're hard and crumbly and they're all crunching up there in your craw. Maybe the problem is grape nuts and not me. I love grape nuts. I love grape nuts too, but let me tell you what this is all about guess what i have for breakfast this morning grape nuts yeah no poached egg though that's a lot let me tell you yeah i'm just in case you don't know this was on on indeed in

february of 2021 dave wrote in first mention of grape nuts that he heard he's like he ran to the keyboard and he suggested this recipe. This is his favorite. A small, I'm quoting now, a small bowl of grape nuts with two poached eggs and hot sauce of your choice is wonderful. The egg to grape nut ratio must be balanced to ensure thorough coating of the grape nuts without saturating them completely. I recommend Cholula hot sauce, but understand that this is a deeply personal decision. Now, that's what he wrote in February. I let that pass. Then Dave wrote again, December 9th, for our weird holiday food episode.

Not content, not content. He wasn't done yet. Saying he wanted it to be considered for our weird holiday food episode. I believe it was on that episode where I said, Grape nuts with poached eggs sounds gross to me. And then I agreed with his son and daughter that it was gross and he should stop it. Then he wrote again on February the 2nd of this year, saying that if I didn't reconsider my opinion, he hopes I wake up some morning in an alternate universe in which milk

doesn't exist and I'm forced to eat grape nuts with egg yolks instead. And when I didn't respond to that in a timely enough manner, he wrote again on February 17th of this year over the objections of his own daughter, he said, asking to include it in our upcoming episode with Kenji Lopez-Alt about food. Now, we have gotten a lot of your fantastic disputes surrounding food and kitchen ware and kitchen etiquette that we're going to talk about with Kenji Lopez-Alt in a future episode. We got so many that we have a little bit of overflow and we're going to talk about with Kenji Lopez-Alt in a future episode. We got so many that we have a little bit of overflow, and we're going to be dealing with another one of those overflow cases today. But here's what I'm going to say.

I got to say this to Dave, because this has been coming up a lot. The principle of you like what you like. Because I've gotten other letters from listeners who say, why are you guys picking on Froff? Isn't the tenant of your podcast, you like what you like? Let the audience note that I am already nodding broadly and emphatically upon this point. Continue, Judge Hodgman. Right. A listener wrote in saying, hey, you like what you like. Why are you having a laugh at my

toe sneakers? The sneakers that have toes in them. Okay, listen, I love that you have sneakers with toes in them. So does Jesse. We love froth. Dave, egg nuts, sorry, Dave, egg nuts. That's what I call them. Leave it in. Grape nuts with egg, it's hard.

It's a hard two, those two things, those are two weird tastes that maybe don't go together or maybe they do. Only you can know for sure, Dave. I love that you love it. Like what you like as a principle is certainly meant to honor your likes, but it is primarily meant to say to people, you can't change other people's likes if you don't like what they like. If you think they have bad taste, that's too bad for you. If you think they have bad taste, that's too bad for you.

This is not to suggest that like what you like is all empowering. Liking what you like is like free speech and like free speech. It doesn't mean that there aren't going to be reactions to what you say or what you like. Liking what you like is a principle that says it is not your job to correct someone else's taste. Not all likes though are equally laudable. Some people like to do horrible things. Some people like to be cruel. I can't stop them, but that doesn't mean that I yuck their yum by speaking out against cruelty. Some likes are wrong, right? Now, there are vast differences between someone who is broken enough to think being cruel is fun and you, Dave, eating your grape nuts with poached eggs. I love that you do

that. That is not for me, but I get that you like them and I applaud your like. So I hope that that makes it a little bit clearer. Jesse has the right and I have the right to say, that sounds gross. And you have the right to enjoy it. And the reason that I banned that in your house is that I think that they're probably, they're just in the same way I apologize whenever I eat food on the mic. People have some sensory issues with regards to how food looks and smells when it's being eaten near them. So go ahead and enjoy those grape nuts with poached eggs, Dave. Go ahead and enjoy them. But I think that if your people find it gross, you have to appreciate what they like, which is they like not watching you eat grape nuts with yolk saturated all in it. You got to go do that on your own time in your own little room or whatever.

Now, out of fairness to you, Dave, because this is meaningful to you, you've written me several times. I will bring this up with Kenji Lopez-Alt. I will listen to what he has to say and I will eat this concoction and I will do it on mic. I will do it on Mike. I will do it on Mike. I will warn people, but I will do it live with Kenji Lopez. And if I'm wrong and this is God or whatever damn delicious, I will apologize to you.

But until then, please, everybody go ahead and like what you like. We like that you like what you like, unless you like something that is not likable. like that you like what you like unless you like something that is not likable hey you want you want a little palate cleanser for people to think about as we go to the break a different question besides whether or not greg nuts are good or whatever they're called yeah something that just came across i don't even know where i saw this i guess it's something that's being discussed all the time on everywhere on the internet. Which do you think there are more of in the world? Wheels or doors? Wheels or doors?

Yeah. There's no right answer. There's no way to know for sure. Wow. There's only a gut feeling. My first thought is wheels. So more essential invention. I mean, does doors include all passageways?

Doors have to open and close. Wheels have to turn. That's what they say on Reddit anyway. And what really blew my mind was I realized that with every car that is on the road, for the most part, it's equal. So almost all cars are basically a wash. And if you have a hatchback, forget it. That's more doors than wheels. So once you take all cars out of the equation, then what are you thinking about? I don't know. Mull it over, mull it over everybody. Let me know,

let me know your theories. That would be something I'd be interested to hear. Let me know your theories. I didn't come up with this. This is from the internet, by the way. We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partners. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. And you get to hear the sound.

It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyperacademic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear the sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef,

right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made in, made in. The Rohan duck, made in, made in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot.

It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes

on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week and we have something from Veronica. My husband Dustin and I disagree over which basic communication feature should be added to all cars. Dustin believes that cars should have a rear horn for honking at people behind you. I think the front horn is usable for all directions of honking. And I believe that cars should instead have a U-turn indicator in addition to the right and left turn signals. Okay. Speaking of wheels and doors, you know, we put out a call for vehicle

related disputes and they are coming in. Thank you. Keep them coming. I don't think we need any more food or kitchen-related disputes. I think we're full up on those. Sated, you might say. But we are still getting some of those car and vehicle-related disputes that we asked for. I'm holding that episode until we can get at least one funicular dispute. I'm really solid on this. I really want to have one dispute taking place on or involving a funicular listeners in Europe. You probably have a few more of them than we do. A gondola would be fine.

And I'm talking about any kind of gondola, Venice gondola or a dangly gondola. You know what I mean? But I did have, I did want to bring this one up because this is another, this is another mind bender. Jesse, if you were to add one and only one new feature to all cars starting tomorrow, magically and retroactively to all cars, and your choices were a rear horn to honk at the person behind you or a U-turn indicator, what do you think your choice would be? Given the choice between those two communication features, I would choose a U-turn indicator in particular because here in Los Angeles, where I live, where I think in general, the driving culture is pretty reasonable. culture is pretty reasonable. Uh, one unreasonable element is that people really flip out if you make a U-turn because I see producer Jennifer Marmer now nodding emphatically. Yeah. There is very

little aggression in Los Angeles driving culture. There isn't a lot of, I haven't noticed a lot of excessive speeding. Um, you know, people generally, uh, generally are reasonably respectful on the roads compared to other places in the United States where I've driven. Um, but I will say that people on the road in Los Angeles do tend to drive as though there is no one else around. Um also it really takes a lot for them to stop. They really just tend to continue on their given path, no matter what other inputs exist, which leads to a lot of red light running and a lot of people who are very confused and upset if it takes an extra second for you to make your turn. So a U-turn signal would be good in your opinion. I think it would be useful to clarify that point. Yeah a U-turn signal would be good in your opinion.

I think it would be useful to clarify that point. Yeah. If you're, for example, let's say you don't have a stop sign, you're making a U-turn in front of someone who is moving perpendicular to you and stopped at a stop sign. Right. That would be helpful. Yeah. Jennifer Marmer, you agree? I see you nodding emphatically over there, also in Los Angeles. Yeah, I totally agree. It would be so much more helpful than a rear honking system. Probably not in somewhere like Portland, Oregon or wherever where it's illegal to make a U-turn. I got a weird look once in Portland, Oregon for making a U-turn and then a friend later explained to me that was illegal. That could have been for any number of things maybe they're they're throwing weird looks of judgment all the time they were probably looking at you that way because you

bought a shins album one time could have been anything but maybe a u-turn i'll tell you what there's a spoiler alert i'm agreeing with you both i picked the u-turn but i come at this decision from a different angle which is that i want people to uh live i want that rear horn so bad just like you dustin oh my god or whatever would it give me such momentary pleasure to honk my horn in all directions at all of the injustice that i see on the roads and all of the terrible driving that I see on the roads. But the people behind me who are tailgating me, of course, I would love to honk at them. But if that person's tailgating you, you already know they don't know. You already know they're aggro creeps, right? Or they're just dummies. The people who don't know to keep

distance between cars, like the distance, keeping a distance between you and another person isn't like surrendering to something. It's acknowledging that you're driving a very, very heavy piece of machinery that the faster you go, the longer it takes to stop. the longer it takes to stop. How irresponsible do you have to be to think that being right up on someone's bumper is somehow going to get you any place, any faster. It's just going to increase the possibility that you're going to hurt each other. And you throw a rear horn in there though,

those aggro dummies who don't know how the conservation of momentum works, they're just going to get angrier. And the next thing you know, they're going to try to get closer to you or try to pass you in an irresponsible way. I'm glad to hear that driving in L.A. is not particularly aggressive because driving in New York, it's aggressive. Yeah. It's in it's bananas and not just in Manhattan on the freeway too. On the freeway, on I-95, on the parkways. I don't even want to know what it's like to drive in New Jersey. I don't even want to go over there because I, I mean, I, I see the Jersey drivers on the Merritt Parkway and it scares me. It really does. And you know, what I say to the young drivers that are in my charge, the young drivers to be that are in my charge, that is to say they're in my car, is just like, your mission is to keep a steady speed and let everyone else do whatever they want. It is not a race. They think it's a race. Let them win. Let them win. Someone comes up behind you and flashes their lights behind you because they

want you to go faster, get out of their way. Those are monster people. Get out of their way. Don't mess with monsters. I dislike them almost as much as i dislike people who drive in the passing lane at the speed limit not understanding that they shouldn't be there and i want to flash my lights at them too but do you know what i don't do i don't get up behind them and flash my lights i want to honk at all i want to honk at the sky i want to i want to i want to I want a horn. As Sheryl Crow once sang. I want a horn, not just on the back and on both sides. And I mean both sides, like front two quarters and back and rear two quarters.

But also I want a horn on the roof of the car that goes straight to God or whatever. And I want a horn on the bottom of the car that goes straight to Satan. But we can't have those things because we have to live. We have to live. And while I have no particular interest in a U-turn light because I don't make a lot of U-turns

and when I do, they're usually in lanes, but whatever, it's not as exciting. Let's just put it that way. Any information you can give other drivers as to how you're moving and where you're going is good information. I would absolutely love a U-turn light. Put it in there. Judge Hodgman, I have to tell you something. I cannot wait to hear it.

I made my choice among those two choices, but I have a third choice to offer. A third way? A third way. One of my best friends from college is my friend Maria Calpito. She's just at her house this weekend for her daughter Celestia's eighth birthday. Celestia, aka Chippy. Celestia, aka Chippy. And once when we were still in college, I traveled to Southern California with my friend, Maria. We went to her home in Baldwin Park, California, home of the original In-N-Out. And I met her delightful and eccentric parents. Maria is an only child, which is unusual in the Filipino community. There's a lot of Catholics, a lot of big families. Sure.

And they really poured all their energy into Maria. There was a gargantuan, when I got in the house, there was a gargantuan, you know that kind of 1970s portrait photography where everything is yellow and orange? Sure, of course. Everything looks like it's bathed in the light of a sunset reflecting off a shag carpet. Everything looks like it's bathed in the light of a sunset

reflecting off a shag carpet. I can picture it as you speak. There was a four foot wide photographic portrait of Maria in like a wedding type dress as a five-year-old that dominated their entire living room. It was amazing. Absolutely. Absolutely amazing. So I'm hanging out with Maria's dad, whose name is Manuel, and he's telling me about his radio career in the Philippines. He's telling me he was the king of the cab drivers. That's pretty awesome.

Yeah. He had said that he basically, he basically suggested to me that he commanded them like a loyal army. And is a very creative and wild eyed man. And his proudest achievement was that he once had a meeting with Ford. Oh, by the way, his, his personality name, as Maria put it to me, is Kuya Manny, which is like big brother Manny. Yeah. It's like calling somebody uncle or something. Yeah. his patented idea, which is a light that goes in the back window of your car, where like your car club plate would go or your sign that says baby on board or whatever.

Right. That says, thank you. And there's a switch that you can press on the dashboard that turns on your thank you light. And when someone lets you into a lane, you can press your thank you light. So you don't have to wave out the window or yeah man up out of the sunroof kuyamani came through big time on that one wow that i mean that should be mandatory that should be mandatory wow yeah sorry i'm overruling both i'm overruling even you veronica no U-turn indicator if we can get a thank you light.

Please give me a gracias light. Because thanking other drivers when they see you is such a gracious thing to do when they see what you need to do and they let you do it. But waving your hand out the window, which is a really nice way to say thank you, right? It's still like you're taking your hand off the wheel. Have you even pressed a little button that just says, I see you. You're also a human being. I appreciate that. And let me say this about a little bit of teasing. Dave, with the Greg Nuts, I'm going to call them from now on. I was teasing you a little bit there. I wasn't really upset that you were emailing me that much. I was making a little meal out of it, so to speak. I was adding a little Cholula to the Greg Nuts, if you will. But, you know, I'm teasing you, and I'm always teasing with affection on this show.

Because when we go back to last week, we're talking about Brian and Kyle, and the line between kind of inadvertent or advertent, like, cruel teasing or mean teasing versus affectionate teasing. Affectionate teasing, like Kyle dressing up like brian for halloween that lets brian know that kyle sees him he knows how he dresses like when i when i when i tease listeners on the show a little bit i try not to ever be mean or cruel i'm trying to let you know I see you and I appreciate you out there. It's an, it's an, it's a form of affection, I hope. And if I ever cross a line by all means, right, right to me. But yeah, showing a little, a little light on a car that says, I see you. I mean, I think that's valuable just for humanity.

Jesse, you know, I also, I had photos taken of me when I was, uh, in eighth grader, ninth grader, 10th grader, you know, we all did. And the options that we had was a standard blue background. And then we had like a nature background. And then we had something called reflections. And that was a black studio background, right? And they would take two pictures of you. One would be you sitting there and then they would take two pictures of you one would be you sitting there and then they would take a three-quarter portrait of you and then they would superimpose that image floating over your right shoulder like you're considering the thought of yourself yes like it's a movie poster about you and you're the only person in the movie, which was pretty much how I experienced my childhood emotionally.

I just want to say, I got this one photo. I wonder if my dad has it. I'm sure he does. Whether I'd be willing to make it public, I do not know. Where I'm sitting there with my long hair, this is like seventh or eighth grade. I had very long hair at the time. And then I chose the reflections, of course. And the three-quarter portrait of me, the big ghost portrait of me, was wearing a black fedora like the shadow.

Amazing. We're sharing two pictures on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram account. Number one, John's going to talk to his dad about that picture number two we're going to share the picture uh we're going to share the picture from when the max fun staff on slack uh was doing was doing a taskmaster challenge and the taskmaster challenge was dress up like jesse and jennifer marmer killed it she just destroyed. I look forward to seeing that very much, but I'm going to tell you right now, I am withholding my reflections picture. Oh, cruel.

I'm going to save it for this year's Max Fun Drive. Okay. We're going to set that as a stretch goal. You know, we're moving into Max Fun Drive season. There's going to be some stretch goal that will trigger the release of that photo. Here's a case from Caitlin in Newburgh, Oregon. When my husband makes a sandwich, he insists on layering the bread first with meat before adding dollops of mayonnaise. He insists that without a barrier, mayonnaise makes the bread soggy, despite the fact that nearly every sandwich he's ever eaten at a restaurant has mayonnaise directly on the bread.

I argue mayonnaise does not lead to sogginess. Please order my husband to refrain from making this slanderous claim. All right, I'm going to say this. I think we just lost 10,000 listeners. And we only had 3,000 to begin with. I think we lost 10,000 listeners at a minimum just because of the words mayonnaise, soggy, sogginess.

And I think I edited out moistness, which was in the, in the full letter. Cause I had to cut it down a little bit. Cause it was even grossing me out. And I love mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise a lot, but even I draw the line at dollops. I don't like that word. I don't want to hear about dollops of mayonnaise. And you know, she wrote in saying, I have a picture of my husband's sandwich making method. Ask and she will send it. First of all, I'm a little mad, Caitlin, you even made me ask. Of course, I want to look at photos of mayonnaise all the time. But then I got the photo and I'm like, oh my goodness, what are you doing to my

most precious of condiments? You see this photo, Jesse? It's bananas. It would be less bananas if there were bananas on this meat. First of all, I think that this meat is not meat. This meat to me looks like an imitation of meat, which is great. Plant-based meat. It's on a very, very nice whole grain bread. And then there's a slice of cheese. And this photo will be up on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page as well as the show page on MaximumFun.org, but with a trigger warning. Because, I mean, it's hard to...

There's always going to be a base level of grossness with any photo of mayonnaise, I think. But this really takes the it really takes the uh tomato soup cake if you know what i mean in terms of pushing it and on top of this tofurkey or what have you is just like this weird landscape of mayonnaise i mean it's not even spread it's just like it's a craggy mountainscape of mayonnaise. You know why his bread is getting soggy? Why? He's got 14 ounces of mayonnaise in a pile.

He has like a, this is like an Axl Rose cocaine pile amount of mayonnaise. I have no problem with that i've had more mayonnaise on a sandwich here's the thing i contend that even the same amount of mayonnaise spread on that whole grain bread the bread would it would take a long time before that bread were to get quote-unquote soggy it's not like jelly in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that your parent wraps up in plastic and you bring it to school and some other kid sits on your lunch and then it's like jelly is seeping through the bread. That'll never happen.

So on that regard, Caitlin, I find in your favor. I had to ask Caitlin whether she staged this photo because I got to tell you right now, this is gross to look at. And I'm talking about everything. It's not just the amount of mayonnaise. It's not just the texture of the mayonnaise. The rest of the sandwich is uniformly brown in a very unpleasant way. And even it's put on a red cutting board.

The whole thing looks gross to me. But do you know what? Do you know what, husband of Caitlin? You like what you like. Eat it up. Eat it up. You want to eat a pile of brown and then on top of it is the white caps from a JMW Turner painting of a storm at sea? Fine.

Eat it up. And because you know what? And here's the thing. And because you know what? And here's the thing. Unlike Dave with his Greg nuts, I don't get the impression that Caitlin's husband, A, is sitting down at the table, not just writing letters to podcasters, but bragging to his children about his wonderful, delicious Greg nuts while he moistens the nuts with yolk, another disgusting sentence, and making them watch as he crunches the yolk-saturated grape nuts. This is the thing that once that sandwich is closed, no one would know the difference. No one would know the difference between that and a sandwich with the mayonnaise on the bread itself.

So I can't even use the excuse of it's grossing other people out. Caitlin's husband doesn't seem braggy about this sandwich. And if he likes it, he likes it. Like what you like. But yeah, Caitlin, you are right. If I'm to order him to stop saying that mayonnaise makes bread soggy, I will make that order because it's not true. No one has as much experience with putting mayonnaise on bread as me. I venture to say that's true. John? Yes. He likes what he likes. That seems gross.

Exactly. Both things can exist. Both things are true. It's not for me, but you like what you like. That's the principle. It's not for me, but you like what you like. And I would say, Caitlin, you are just skirting the violation of the true principle here because caitlin you're coming in you just skirt it you got you got away with it because you weren't saying please order him to stop eating this because it's gross you were saying please order him to stop

saying that mayonnaise will make the bread soggy and i agree with you there i think that that is a matter of fact very few people have as much experience with putting mayonnaise on bread as your judge john hodgman, I venture to say. But if you had said he shouldn't eat it this way because it's gross or wrong or whatever, then that would be violating the principle of like what you like because you would be policing his taste. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we finally, finally answer the question, do elves have last names? Answer the question, do elves have last names? part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience,

one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will.

Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from clearing the docket. You have a television show that's running right now on FXX and Hulu, and I hope people are watching it. Well, I know that a lot of listeners have been. Thank you so much for sharing your Dicktown enthusiasm by hashtagging Dicktown in all

your tweets and social media posts and so on. It's been really exciting. You know, season one, it was hard. I admit it was hard to find. It was part of an anthology show. A lot of people didn't know where they could go to get it. Took a while for it to get up on Hulu. That's when I just started saying bit.ly slash Dicktown all the time.

Hey, good news for folks in Canada. It's airing live on FXX on Thursday nights, just like it is in the United States. If you want to know how to watch it in another country beyond that, I don't know the answer yet, but I'll figure it out. I'll just say three letters that have nothing to do with anything. VPN. We are closing in on the end of the season the big mystery of who is madam slingshot aka motorcycle car lady and what does she want this character portrayed incredibly by amy sedaris of course is coming to a head there's some scooby-doo type traps and our seventh mystery of the season debuting tomorrow if you're listening on wednesday or today if you're listening on thursday and then it's david

reese's solo episode when david purefoy uh gets a job a night job working in a fried pork anus factory owned by paul f tompkins you can check it all out on FXX on Thursday at 10pm both West Coast and East Coast and the next day on Hulu at bit.ly slash Dicktown or just go to Hulu and search Dicktown. All the episodes so far will be available on 4am on Friday morning

and then one week from now we'll be gearing up for our big final two mysteries, the big season finale. I hope you'll take a look and spread the word and drop a review. Jesse, what do you have going on? Well, on Bullseye, I've got our friend Kenji Lopez-Alt coming up on the show. Boy, I've got his cookbook.

Yeah, it's great. Kenji is a genius. He's an amazing guy. Also, Nick Kroll on the show this week as well. The hilarious Nick Kroll, one of the funniest guys around. One of the funniest guys around, a real talent. And look, you know that I've come on this program mentioning Put This On Shop, my store on the internet. Right.

I've talked about Dark Crystal Cards, which are currently in stock as we record this. Yeah. I've talked about Yo! MTV Raps Cards and ALF Cards and Peewee's playhouse fun packs rad dudes cards all those available right now at put this on shop.com but john yeah i need you to know something i want to know things i've got dune cards now go to put thisisonshop.com buy unopened packs of David Lynch

dune cards. How dare you? I love dune cards. Putthisonshop.com I was just looking for dune cards at the stuff and stuff shop over in Cobble Hill. They had alf cards there but they didn't have any dark crystal cards and

they sure didn't have any dune cards yeah well i got both at put this on shop.com i made the mistake of going for tron cards and that is not even second best that is ninth hundredth best yeah those are bad cards for those dune cards are hot i've seen packs of those before they are i mean it's that movie is is so lovably bonkers and beautiful. And so are the cards go to put this on shop.com and go check out all the other incredibly look, you know, Alf cards, dark crystal cards. These are fun. These are the, these are the moneymakers, right? But Jesse Thorne is one of the people who's got the best taste in the world. Boy, oh boy, does Jesse Thornton like what he likes and knows what he likes and has curated such an incredible array of beautiful objects and

pieces of clothing that I love and I encourage you to check out because it's a great place to go get a little gift for someone who gives you inspiration for gifts that you could never come up with on your own. Maybe you find an incredible jacket or some vintage college football charms or Sterling silver stork bib sweat or sweater clips or some chenille USA and T letter patches, or just any cool thing just to give a little oomph, little oomph to your, to your wardrobe,

your look, your style, your, your life, a vintage Brio miniature service station. What's this Jesse? You know, Brio,

those wooden trains. Yeah. They's this, Jesse? You know, Brio, those wooden trains? Yeah. They made this amazing miniature service station. It's totally mind-blowing. I don't know exactly when it's from, but it is absolutely incredible. You can see the workmanship on this is so beautiful. And right above the garage door of this service station,

it says greasing and washing. Yeah. What else do you need? Can't have one without the other. Put this on shop.com. We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're finally getting into this elf material. Here's a case from Jack. By the way, if you have an elf related dispute, By the way, if you have an elf-related dispute, MaximumFun.org slash JJHO for all elf stuff. We're doing bugbears next week, so hold on that.

You know what? We were going to make a special call for cases about the spring, the season, including flowers, Easter, Eid al-Fitr, Passover, any spring holiday, Irish spring, spring water, Saratoga Springs. Forget it. D&D. I want all D&D. Oh, no. Give me an all D&D docket. A D&D-D, if you will. I'd love it.

But this is not D&D. This is Tolkien. So, hit it. Here's a not D&D. This is Tolkien. So hit it. Here's a case from Jack in Augusta, Georgia. Your Honor, I am a Lord of the Rings fan. I recently went to a Lord of the Rings trivia night at a brewery and lost due to one question. What is Legolas' last name? The correct answer is, he has no last name. That's underlined. But the host and winning team chose Greenleaf, which is a common misconception. I lost the game, my honor, and a $25 gift certificate to the brewery.

My poor wife and friends have all had to listen to me explain this situation multiple times. What hurts most is that even though I am right, and even though no elf even has a last name, nor do men, only hobbits, I get the feeling that my friends are just humoring me in acknowledging my stolen valor. Please, Judge John Hodgman, I seek justice. All right. This episode started with a little critique of us, a couple of critiques of us.

And they're fair critiques, and I'm happy to hear them. I'm just going to offer a little critique that technically and typically we do not hear cases that are brought against me or Bailiff Jesse or cases that are brought up between you and, say, the universe or all people who like the wrong thing or other sort of class action type lawsuits. And even this one is riding the line, Jack, because really your dispute is with the hosts of this trivia game. If you wanted to get them on the podcast, I'll allow you to resubmit this one. If you are not satisfied with my answer here, or even if you are, because I'd love to hear a whole, I'd love to adjudicate a case between a pub quiz host and a Tolkien fanatic. That'd be great for me. But I do have to offer a judgment because this is apparently, Jesse, a problem that is not confined to Jack's

life. It is rampant in the pub quiz community. All I had to do is Google Legolas last name to see if I could get to the bottom of this. The first thing that came up was the Lord of the Rings subreddit. Jiminy Billy Bob wrote four years ago. I was at a pub quiz a while back and one of the questions was, what is Legos' last name? I told my team to write down Greenleaf as I know that was the answer they were going for and it was. But afterwards, I argued with the people hosting the quiz that that's not actually his last name. And I gave all the reasons that I know of. All of the many reasons.

In the end, they still gave everyone who wrote Greenleaf a point, and that was it. Of course, everyone in the comments says, no, he's just Legolas, the son of Thranduil. Greenleaf, of course, is just a translation of Legolas. Legolas is Sylvan, a dialect Sindarin, for Greenleaf. That's what his name means. And yes, Gandalf refers to him as Legolas Greenleaf once. And yes, Galadriel refers to him as Legolas Greenleaf once. But that's just nickname stuff.

That's just the fun times they have with names. That't mean his actual last name is green leaf now was there a legless green leaf yes there was a character named legless green leaf who showed up in some of tolkien's very early unpublished writings that never made it into the lord of the rings but that that legless green leaf that was a noldor elf out of gondolin he was a gnome our legless the one you like the one orlando bloom played that's legless the son of thranduil a sindarin elf son of thranduil the king of the wood elves in murkwood come on you know this but the thing of the thing is jack even though i'm defending you here, you know what answer they were looking for. Look, I am the co-host of many of Max Fun Con Pub Quiz with our friend Chuck Bryant of Stuff You Should Know. And we always make it clear that we're looking for a particular answer because look i know who we're dealing with here i

know who the listeners are they're smarts they're smarty pantses and there are a lot of different ways that you'd be like well um well actually um there were a number of decommissioned green lantern corps officers who also would be considered members of the Green Lantern Corps in a different timeline. I know, you know, when you do the quiz, you're looking for common sense answers. And you know that even though they're wrong, Jack, you know, just as well as that person on Twitter, Jiminy Billy Bob knew they were looking for an answer. And that answer was Greenleaf. There were no way were they thinking like, oh, let's, I can't wait till the guy says, writes down a little slip of paper.

Actually, elves have no last names, blah, blah, blah names blah blah blah blah blah you know that wasn't the answer they were looking for you knew the answer they were looking for they weren't playing riddles in the dark as in the hobbit where bilbo says guess what's in my pocket a totally unfair trick question that he only gets away with because gollum breaks the rules and gives two answers. You know the two answers, the two guesses that Gollum gave for Bilbo's question, what's in my pocket? No, what are they? He gets so flustered. It's my favorite part of the book.

Gollum gets so flustered because he knows it's a trick question. It's not a fair question in the game of riddles. It's just random. It's like, what do I have in my pockets? Gollum guesses, string or nothing? So yeah, Jack, you were robbed, but you should have won that game because you should have known that they wanted to know Greenleaf, even though they were wrong. That's what you got to do sometimes. You can be right or you can be happy.

That's another thing that I hear on the internet all the time. But as a consolation prize, I'm going to get you that gift certificate. Write me. Tell me what the name of that brewery is. I'll buy you a gift certificate. 25 bucks. No, you know what? 24 bucks.

I'm going to dock you a buck because you knew you should have written. And meanwhile, I invite you, Jack, and everyone to join the virtual pub quiz that Chuck and I are going to be hosting on April the 30th. You'll be getting, if you're a member of MaxFun, you'll be getting notices about that in your email box. All the proceeds are going to go to CASA. It's going to be a great way to raise some money for a great charity and a great way to have some fun. And you know I'm going to be asking what is Legolas' last name at this thing. So go to MaximumFun.org. Make sure that you become a member so you get updates as to when that is happening. The docket is clear and that's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is

Jennifer Marmer. Our editor is Valerie Moffitt. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. You can check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this week's episode. That's at maximumfun.reddit.com. And I guess now's the time where we talk about D&D cases. I've already put out the call. If you have any D&D related disputes, and I suspect you do, please, the more esoteric, the better. Please let me know at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO, and we'll get that D&D docket going for you.

But in the meantime, we're always eager to hear about all of your disputes on any subject. No case is too small. So please remember, submit your cases, D&D or otherwise, at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Judge Hodgman, I stand ready to answer all Dungeons & Dragons disputes, as long as they're about the two Dungeons and Dragons things I know about. The CGA DOS game, The Secret of the Silver Blades, and the Dragonlance novels that I read while sitting in the aisles at Aardvark Used Books in San Francisco. You could just knock one out in a single aisle sitting, or would you come back

and pick up the same one again? Just sit there and take care of it tcb get it done you're nine what are you doing what else are you doing nine years old you're sitting there and you're reading those all the dragon lance novels i don't remember anything about them to be frank i probably read six of them my favorite monster in the monster manual is what's that gelatin. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay, we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.