Judge John Hodgman - There's No Southwest in Space

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

The docket is full of cases and there is only one justice team to clear it! Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse discuss what counts as dating, duets, grand strategy space simulators, and much more! 

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week to clear the docket with, well, the second man, because he can't be the main man. That's Joel Mann, Judge John Hodgman. I am the second gentleman of the state of Maine currently here in the solar-powered studios of WERU, 89.9 FM, WERU.org, across the glass from the Maine man, the mole man, Joel man. Joel, how are you? Doing well, Judge.

Now, listen, I have a question for you. Did you make a wedge salad smoothie like I asked? That's tonight's dinner. Uh-huh, right. Promises made, promises not kept. Guess what, though? I kept my promise. Last week, Jesse Thorne, I promised to share.

Well, I was going to share it last week, but I got a little annoyed and we got a little short on time. So I saved it for this week. Cowboy crackers. Jesse Thorne, do you know what a cowboy cracker is? No, they came up on the show recently, but it's not something I'd ever heard of. Let me ask you, have you ever heard the term firecracker? And I'm not talking about a firework, a snip snap, a bing bang.

You know what I mean? I'm talking about a cracker called a firecracker. No, I mean, I've heard of bing bangs, but I've never heard of a firecracker. No, I mean, I've heard of Bing Bangs, but I've never heard of a firecracker. Firecrackers, a.k.a. cowboy crackers, are a recipe for, you know what it is? It's a motted out saltine. And I was sent this recipe by listener Constance right after we were talking about your big vat of ranch dressing. Not ranch dressing, ranch seasoning that you have, right, Jesse Thorne?

Yeah, it's great. I bought it at a warehouse store. It's like a jug of like a pound of ranch seasoning. Pound jug of ranch seasoning. And Constance wrote to me something I had never heard of before. She said, and she was writing from North Carolina. She said, I buy ranch powder packets to make my husband's favorite snack, cowboy crackers. I thought Jesse could use some of his bulk ranch powder to try this snack also. And here's what a cowboy cracker is. You take a pound of saltines, a cup of ola, canola or light olive, two tablespoons of red pepper flakes, four tablespoons of ranch powder, put all that in a Ziploc bag and flip it around for 15 minutes and then you eat them.

And I was like, you just eat them? You just eat these oily, ranchy crackers? And she said, yes. And that is a way to eat them. But I looked it up and this is a very, have you ever heard of these things, Jesse? No, they, so far they sound tremendous. This sounds like, this sounds like one of those things like buffalo chicken dip that America invented because America is disgusting, but also America is right.

Yeah. I mean, I was, I was frankly astonished. And when I looked them up to verify, because I talked to all my friends in North Carolina. I talked to Phil Morrison. I talked to John Kimball. I talked to Mac from Super Chunk. I talked to Andrea Rusing of Lantern Restaurant. No one ever heard of these things.

They're not a North Carolina thing. They're more of an Alabama. They're called Alabama firecrackers. And they're called all sorts of things because they make them all over the place. Various different recipes. I ended up making the recipe from Southern Living because that's a magazine. So you figured they've got a fact checker. And what they did was they doubled the oil.

They doubled the amount of oil. They added granulated garlic, granulated onion, the same amount of oil they added granulated garlic granulated onion the same amount of red pepper flakes and ranch powder but you don't just flip them over for 15 minutes you let them steep in that overnight which i did last night joel last night and then and this is the thing you cannot you bake them for 15 minutes in a 250-degree oven. Joel, I brought you a gift box of firecrackers and content warning. For those of you who have misophonia, content warning, Joel eating is happening now. You made these. I made these.

Last night. Well, they steeped last night, and then I baked them. I would have brought some for you, Jennifer, and for you, Jesse, but I can't. You're in a different place. I can't put them in the chat on the Zoom, unfortunately. And you want me to eat this? Yeah, get one with a lot of red pepper flakes on it. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Joel is fun. What do you think, Joel? Tastes like an oily saltine. It's not very hot. I wouldn't call that hot. There's no heat there.

All right, Joel. It's not exactly the reaction I was looking for because I want to tell you something right now. They're goddamn delicious. Oh, man. These are so hot. Forget it. Forget it. Look.

We're going to post the recipe on the show page at MaximumFun.org. They're goddamn. Sorry to curse, children. They're god or whatever damn delicious. Jesse Thorne, you'll see. I'm going to mail some to you. Or you can make them yourself. They're real easy.

And they're not that hot. I agree with you, Joel, because you know what? I used a different kind of chili pepper flake. I didn't use mail some to you. Or you can make them yourself. They're real easy. And they're not that hot. I agree with you, Joel, because you know what? I used a different kind of chili pepper flake. I didn't use the regular red pepper flakes this time. Use both next time. No, I used – it calls for red pepper flakes like the kind you get, you know, McCormick, you know, red dust brand. Stuff you put on a pizza. But I – but, you know, here's a market report. At the trade winds, they have Aleppo pepper chili flakes, which is a fruitier and more fragrant chili flake.

And that's what I put on your firecracker. Well, thank you. I thought – I mean, I think it gives it a bit more depth of flavor. But you're right. It's not as hot. Aleppo pepper. You need to know that that's what they have over there. Griffin Ridge is a spice company in Litchfield, Maine, that is killing it.

You go into the trade winds, you take a right, you take another right. They have everything you need. They have Gochugaru Korean chili flakes, Kashmiri chili powder in case you want to make Priyanka Matu's Rogan Josh from the New Yorker. They have thyme. They have cumin. Hold the phones, John.

They have cumin? They have cumin. Stop the presses. Look. They have cumin? They have cumin. Stop the presses. Look, I don't know what Griffin Ridge is doing out there in Litchfield, Maine, but it's like a magic trick. When you find a recipe that has, yes, you have cumin and thyme and everything else, but you have the calls for something really specific like Kashmiri chili powder. They got it. Take a right.

Take another right, Joel. Cumin on? Joel, you're killing me today killing me i'm murdered now okay i have some justice here all right but i just want to tell you about one more thing a little bit more market report for you jesse you know what they had of the trade winds market what's that in a big bin you know what they had at the Tradewinds Market? What's that? In a big bin. You know what they had? Dozens and dozens of vinyl eight-disc collector's sets of Sign of the Times by Prince. Did you know that? John, I have an admission to make here.

Yeah. I posted on my social media that I had spent my Christmas money buying an eight disc set of Prince's album, Sign of the Times. Right. Which is a double album, but eight is a lot of discs for a double album. Eight is not enough. I opened it up and I've been listening to it and I have a confession to make, John. Please.

Yeah. It's actually a 13 disc set. What? What happened? And there's a DVD. What? What happened? And there's a DVD. Oh, well, that makes me feel good because the ones they had at the supermarket were only the eight discs, no DVD.

And they were $3.50 each, $3.50 each. But now I know you got the really special stuff. Yeah. Okay, let's get into the docket. I knew I could put off justice for another minute with you on that one. All right, let's go. Let's do it. Here's a case from Douglas. I bring the case against my wife, Juliet. Just before she and I became involved,

I went on what I consider to be three dates with a different young woman. A dinner date, a brunch date, and a group birthday party. Then things ended naturally on good terms. Juliet was the next, best, and last first date I went on. She and I have been married for 12 years. However, whenever we tell the story of how we met, if I mention I was dating someone at the time, Juliet objects. She insists that we were not dating, but that we had rather just gone on a couple of dates. She thinks I'm overselling the relationship because the person I was dating is an actress who is reasonably well

known and that I like dropping her name. I won't hear. I would never describe this young woman as my girlfriend, but I think dating is a perfectly reasonable way to describe what we did. If you, for example, jumped three times, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say that you had been jumping. Am I a monster husband? That's true. If Joel Mann jumped three times, I would sayel is jumping not joel went on a couple of jumps it's unlikely that joel would do that oh i'm still still steamed over joel's lukewarm

reaction to my hot crackers don't jump all right so we have withheld at the request of Douglas the name of the actress that he definitely went on a dinner date, a brunch date and a group birthday to. Whether that's dating or not is the subject of this discussion. And also at Douglas's request, we have changed his name. His name is not Douglas and his wife's name is not Juliet. A mystery abounds. Yeah. Douglas and his wife's name is not Juliet. A mystery abounds.

Yeah. But I presume that this person, that he was dating, has to be some incredibly famous great beauty that you would want people to know that you had been dating. I presume it was Isabella Rossellini. Yeah. Seems likely that it was. Seems fair. Yeah.

Isabella Rossellini. Yeah, because they were. I know from from another bit of this letter, they were 25 when they met. So and then that's 12 years ago. Like if you were 25 years old and dating Isabella Rossellini, you would want to say I think you would want to say even if you had only been on a couple of dates. want to say, even if you had only been on a couple of dates. Honestly, if I went on three dates with Isabella Rossellini before I met my wife, I'd already have sold a book about it. Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. Even if one of those dates was just a jumping date. Yeah. Just three jumps.

You know what I mean? That counts. I had a couple go-to first dates, you know, take a girl ice skating or go do double dutch. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, would you say then, Jesse, that it is fair to say that Douglas was dating Isabella Rossellini in this case? It really is on the line. It's on the line, right? It really is on the line it's on the line right it really is on the line i think were it me i think if i use the word dating i would probably want to use it in a context that clarified that it was a few two and a half dates yeah group birthday. You can kind of strike that off the list. Is there?

I mean, I would like to be clear, I would want to brag about it. Right. If I had dated a famous person. Yeah. Even if I was as I am in a loving, happy, fulfilling relationship. Yeah. Yeah, I know. a happy fulfilling relationship yeah yeah i know like me too i'm i you know i i i have been married to uh the the whole human being who also happens to be my wife for 22 years this year and we dated pretty much exclusively though not entirely for 10 years before that. But on the other hand, you know,

like Justin Long, my cohort in the Apple ads was dating Drew Barrymore and I played her husband on a TV show one episode of. So does that mean that Drew Barrymore and I were dating? Yeah, I dated Drew Barrymore. Yeah. How about this, John? Yeah. The wonderful actress Aya Cash went to high school with my wife and I. Sure. And Aya, of course, is now one of the stars of The Boys. Right. But was also one of the stars of You're the Worst. Yeah. Wonderful, wonderful actor. And, uh, you know, she, she went over to my wife's house a couple of times, uh, just to hang out because we were all in acting class together. Uh, and so I'm pretty sure I dated her. I'm pretty sure that counts as a date. Yeah. At least one date. I had lunch. Have you ever heard of Paul Rudd?

No. Paul Rudd? No. Is that a New England thing? Paul Rudd is an actor. Oh, boy, what a nice fellow. And I had lunch with him once. And then I saw him at a hotel and he was having a cocktail with Peyton Reed and Michael Shannon, the actor. And I got waved over and I got to sit with them for a while. And then Paul Rudd and I went to go see Twelfth Night on Broadway together.

With our wives. But definitely that's three dates. Three. I definitely was dating Paul Rudd for sure. And by the way, I also was dating Jamie Lee rudd for sure and by the way i also was dating jamie lee curtis and christopher guest simultaneously once wow i was at a dinner with them and i said to jamie lee curtis i love your husband i love your husband and i'm going to take him from you she said you better not true stories i get why i get why get why Douglas would like to brag about dating Isabella Rossellini for sure. But here's where I get hung up. I don't like this coming up in the context of how we met.

Like, I don't like that. I don't like, and I appreciate juliet being like why is it part of the story of how we met that you were dating quote unquote isabella rossolini at the time that's not part of the story and i could understand why juliet would be like please that's not dating you weren't it wasn't serious well i'm saying this juliet it was just as serious as it was certainly as serious as it was between me and Paul Rudd it was what it was and I can appreciate why even though obviously the two of you are deeply in love and committed to each other why it is fun for Douglas from time to time to remember that he went on two and one half dates with Isabella Rossellini, why he might say it from time to time. I'd say I was dating Isabella Rossellini for heaven's sake. But it's been 12 years, Douglas.

Maybe don't bring it up so much. It's really not in the context of how we met. That's not part of your story with Juliet, how you threw over Isabella Rossellini. Because even if you literally like, I'm sorry, Isabella Rossellini, I've met the love of my life. And Isabella Rossellini was crying as you left the room. That's a gross part of the story. Don't tell it. Separate stories.

How we met is one story. And then, you know, Isabella Rossellini and I once went to a group birthday together. Keep them separate. Keep your beautiful marriage and your weird fantasy memory life separate. You're entitled to both, but, you know. Did you know Elliot Kalin went to high school with Anne Hathaway and he knows her as Annie? Did he date her? Absolutely not.

Absolutely. Absolutely he did. If he went to high school and knew her as Annie, they definitely dated. Here's something from an anonymous letter writer who asks, Can you please impose a blanket injunction on all parents from badgering single children in their late 30s to get married? That way, all the parents who don't listen to this podcast

will continue to badger their children, but at least I'll feel heard. I think that they're, this is very unusual, Joel. I normally don't hear a case between a plaintiff and all parents. But I'm going to hear it this time because I think, Anonymous, more parents of people in their 30s listen to this than you think. And I think they need to hear what you're saying. and I think they need to hear what you're saying. Now, since this person is also choosing to be anonymous,

I'm just going to presume that this is the actor Chris Evans, my fellow Commonwealthian of Massachusetts, a native of Sudbury. And I'm just going to say, listen, Chris Evans' mom, Lisa, who's a director of the Concord Youth Theater, and also Chris Evans' dad, Bob, who's a dentist. Listen to Chris. Look, I understand your son Chris Evans would have very nice babies. I mean, we'd all love to have some baby Captain's America running around. And if rumors are true, maybe some baby Johnny Storms in the MCU multiverse

in the new Doctor Strange movie could happen. But Chris Evans isn't ready yet. And it's Chris Evans' life. Don't badger your kids to get married. Don't badger your kids to have kids. Don't badger your kids. That's their lives. By the way, Jesse,

before we go to the break, did you know that Chris Evans follows me on Twitter and once retweeted one of my announcements about Ticktown, the TV show that day. A reason I made, I didn't know that. That's amazing. We're basically, we were dating, dating Chris Evans. John, did you know that I have a, I have an Aaron sweater.

So I'm also dating Chris Evans. Oh, is that the sweater that he wore in, um, in knives out? Yeah. That wonderful movie that was made by our boyfriend, Ryan Johnson. And we've been dating. Yeah. He was over at my house once. So he and I definitely have dated. Right. Yeah. And Karina Longworth, who makes an incredible podcast. You must remember this. I haven't been dating her. I just admire her work. Yeah. She's really great. Oh, did I tell you when I learned that Chris Evans was from Sudbury, Massachusetts, I DM'd him and I said, can you confirm a rumor that I heard from Charlotte,

a clarinet player that I knew at the New England Conservatory of Music, that Lincoln-Sudbury Regional High School was known locally as Drinkin' Drugsbury Reasonably High School? And Chris Evans said, absolutely, that's true. That was our second date. We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner. We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning, causes a sound to happen?

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And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with made-in pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made-in, made-in. The Rohan duck, made-in, made-in. Riders of Rohan, duck. What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made-in, made-in. Made- in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district

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That's M-A-D-E-I-N-Cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week and we have a case from John. My wife and I host what we call the playlist party. We choose a theme and then each guest adds two songs they think best exemplify the playlist's theme. Then we debate the merits of each song. I hear you laughing, but I think this is a good game. I like this game so far. Recently, my friend Bree and I had an argument over the playlist theme duets. She says a duet's a song on which a guest vocalist appears with an established singer. I maintain that a duet is simply two vocalists singing together.

For Brie, Freddie Mercury and David Bowie appearing together in Under Pressure is a duet. However, the Avett brothers harmonizing together is not a duet because they are already established as a group. I believe this doesn't matter. Eric B. and Rakim, for example, are a duo that have some great duets. Whoa, wait a minute. Wait, so that's Rakim dueting with Eric B's turntable scratching that actually, I think my understanding of the historical record is that Eric B was not actually doing the scratching on the records what jaw drop

is that true yeah i think rakim made the beats and uh maybe did the scratches too i think it's like a mix that's my memory it's a it's a hazy memory i would recommend people check out brian coleman's oral histories of of great hip-hop records to verify this. Yeah. But that's my memory. Well, my first question out of the gate was going to be, Jesse Thorne, is an Eric B. and Rakim song a duet? No, of course it isn't. That's ridiculous. Right.

I don't even know if I would characterize, you know, the show by Dougie Fresh and Slick Rick. Right. As a duet. They both rap on that song and they perform together in this. What's that noise? It's the construction. But what?

They both. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's leave this in the edit. Okay. We got rid of Blowy the leaf blower. Now you've got construction outside. The noise I'm hearing, though, is not a construction noise.

It's more like a creaky chair. Yeah. So what that sound is, is a giant boring bit that bores into the ground so that they can sink concrete pylons or whatever. And when it comes up out of the ground, the bit, you know, the screw, the digging part is full of dirt and it does this kind of clanging backwards turn, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang to shake the dirt out of the thing you know what jesse speaking of boring bits let's just move on from that one yeah so wait a minute you're telling me that the

show featuring slick rick and dougie fresh that's not a duet why not i think for it to be it i think a duet to me a duet is two people singing together. Okay. I don't think rapping together on a posse cut or whatever represents a duet. I don't think somebody doing a guest verse on somebody's song is a duet. I think the part of a duet is the two singers working together directly in a way that uh two rappers on a song rarely do you know they're when rappers are trading verses i think that's that's a different dynamic than you know tony bennett and lady gaga or whatever well i've got i'm going to throw this into the mix because I'm extremely old.

When we're talking about rapping and duets, how do you account for I Got a Man by Positive K? It's the classic dilemma. How do you account for I got a man by positive K? I think this is a side road. I think raps are a side road. I think the real question is, is it a duet if there are multiple vocalists in a group who sing together? Well, wait a minute. Would you agree that Under Pressure, David Bowie, and Freddie Mercury, that's a duet? Yes?

Yes, of course. Right. See, I'm going to rule, and obviously this is not binding, but I think that I Got a Man by Positive K is a duet for this reason. In that the two main voices are in dialogue with each other. And if you haven't listened to I Got a Man for a while, you can check it out. What I'm I'm a little embarrassed because I was just thinking of that song. This is off my dome, as they say. And I remember Positive K, but I'm looking now at this. I don't know who the woman is who rapped on that song, which is, I think, fairly criminal. So I'm I'm during the. So I'm,

during the break, I'm going to find out and I'll let you know. Because that is one where the whole conversation is, I would like to be your boyfriend. And she says, I have a boyfriend. And he says,

I'm not trying to hear that, see? And they are in dialogue with each other. And certainly- Does that include the show? I mean, excuse me, Doug E. Fresh, yes? Yes. Have you ever seen a show with fellas on the mic

with one minute rhymes that don't come out right? They bite. They never write. That's not polite. Am I lying? No, you're quite right. You're quite right. It's an interchange between Rick and Doug E. Fresh.

I'm feeling that is in the duet zone insofar as you can also have – and I defer to you. None of this is binding. Rap court is your court. But I think that we're identifying at least as something that we agree upon, some common ground about what a duet is. It is not necessarily just two people singing together or performing together and merely harmonizing. That would be a duo. A duet is when two distinct voices, lines, singers, performers are in conversation with each other. And that can happen even in a nonverbal piece.

Like you have a clarinet duet, two clarinets, they're playing off each other. You know what I mean? And then we take a break. And when we walk over to the Burger King to get our lunch, having a new conservatory of music on Boylston Street, the BK is not there anymore. And Charlotte tells you, they called my high school drinking drugs very reasonably high school. And you wonder for the rest of your life, is that true? Different story.

Sorry. So I would say that Brie is correct in that Freddie Mercury and David Bowie, that is a duet. But Brie is wrong in that a guest vocal on a track does not define duet. Is that fair to say, Jesse? Yeah, I think that's a fair description. Yeah. You have two voices singing to each other. Like me and Paul Rudd singing karaoke, Fairy Tale of New York, at the Daily Show Christmas Party.

One of our many, many dates. Joel Mann. Did Joe Bird and the Field Hippies ever do a duet? No. Pick two duets to add to the playlist. Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard. Singing what song? Yeah. Poncho and Lefty. Yeah. Poncho and Lefty. Thank you. All right. And what's the other one? Look, I don't work at a community radio station. Do you? Sometimes, yeah. Hey, everybody, if you've got a couple of duets you want to suggest, put them in the comments at the Judge John Hodgman Instagram account. Let us know.

Let's build this playlist out. I like it. What about Huey Lewis and the movie Duets? Sure. Anything with Huey Lewis is fine. Okay, great. Thank goodness goodness here's something from kyle my friends and i play a grand strategy space simulator called stelaris this is great so far john i can already tell i'm gonna love this one are you what type of strategy space simulator are you playing grand or otherwise look before you move on to even the second half of this sentence may i point out that i was going to cut grand

from grand strategy space simulator because i felt like that's that's a statement of value that we don't need but it turns out grand strategy space simulation is a very specific genre of space simulation it's literally called grand strategy space simulation i don't know well what's the problem kyle grand is a word used to uh delineate the boundaries of certain genres of strategy space simulator and canyon i think that they're trying to distinguish it from a mundane strategy space simulator yeah okay here we go my friends and i play a grand strategy space simulator called stelaris and in our current game diplomatic relations are strained oh boy i'm playing as a despotic empire bent on

purging the entire galaxy of all other species. Wow. My two other friends, Kevin and Louis, are playing as more humane open societies. I have no issues with our political differences. Oh, don't you? However, our game

lacks a court and I'm looking for an injunction regarding a diplomatic snafu. Situation normal, all fouled up. All fouled up. In my quest for domination, my fleets are presently massing on my southwestern border to invade the empire next to mine. Meanwhile, Kevin and Lewis have banded their civilizations into a federation and have offered membership to the empire that I am planning to invade. Their plan is

to bring this empire into their fold in a bid to prevent our empire from achieving its manifest destiny. Rude! Please order Kevin and Lewis to stop bringing additional civilizations into their Federation or at a minimum to focus on other civilizations so that I can

expand my empire in the way that I see fit just as they intend to with theirs. All right. Grand Emperor Kyle. First of all, your game, of course it is a court because it's a game. It has rules. Games have rules.

And it did not take me long on the Stellaris Wikipedia page to learn, for example, that if you have an empire that you designate spiritualist, it cannot use robots. designate spiritualist it cannot use robots and if a spiritualist empire takes over a planet it dismantles all the robots on them according to their law and a materialistic empire cannot outlaw robots so those are rules and basically the air bud precedent applies the air bud king making precedent there's nowhere written in the rules that a dog can't be a despotic emperor of a genocidal spacefaring legion of starships and by the way that's a dig at you kyle you're a dog dictator dog something i was going to find in your favor you're out there trying to take over the galaxy and destroy every other species that's disgusting i don't care if it's in the rules beyond that i have two issues one southwestern border what are you talking about kyle it's space

there's no southwest in space and two i have no issues with our political differences. Wow. You're a genocidal tyrant, Kyle. Extremism is not a political difference, not something you hash out and come to common ground on in a chapel in the middle of Kansas, just as an example. Super bold dig. Kansas, just as an example. Super Bowl dig. No, I stand for freedom in the galaxy. And even taking what you ask at face value. Please order Kevin Lewis to stop bringing additional civilizations into their federation.

It's a federation. What are they supposed to do? Not federate? They're trying to block you from taking over a peaceful empire. You want me to order them to not expand their empires the way they see fit? That's how they want to do it. They want to stop you, Kyle, and I'm with them. Lewis and Kevin, go get them.

Go get them. Shut down all tyrants. Make no compromise with tyranny. Jesse Thorne, I'm sorry. I had to go on a little rant there. I spaced out because I was looking at the internet page for the show by Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick. Or technically by Doug E. Fresh and the Get Fresh crew. Mm-hmm. Slick Rick or technically by Dougie Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Cash and checks, making sound effects, and after I finish Rockin' Slick Rick is on next. It's one of the greatest tracks of all time. You know who produced that record? No. Teddy Riley. I didn't know Teddy Riley. I knew he produced Rump Shaker.

I knew he produced Michael Jackson's Dangerous. I knew he produced No Diggity, one of the greatest R&B songs of all time. Teddy Riley produced the show, or at least programmed the drum machines. People are probably writing me letters saying, well, by your own definition, Under Pressure by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie is not a duet because they are not really singing in dialogue with each other. They're just singing their separate parts. So now you don't have to write me that letter.

I wrote it to myself. Yeah. Teddy Riley. Go listen to the show. Go listen to, what is it, Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson's Poncho and Lefty. Yeah, great song. Go listen to I Got a Man by Positive K. Do that during the break and then come on back.

You know what's a good Merle Haggard song? No. Kern River. Listen to that song. Jesse, you sang a Merle Haggard song, didn't you? At one of our live shows, weren't you singing to Merle Haggard? Yeah, I love Merle Haggard. What was the song you were singing? You would open the show with a little Merle Haggard tune.

Mama Tried. Mama Tried. Great song. You would go out there solo and open the show with Mama Tried, and guess what I was doing? Flossing? Hanging around backstage singing with you a duet. Ah, isn't that sweet? Let's take a grand break.

When we come back, listener interaction. And break when we come back. Listener interaction. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun

or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. We are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from

MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, a tribute to Teddy Riley. Virginia's own Teddy Riley, you know, a mentor. Teddy Riley, a mentor to both Timbaland and the Neptunes. Really? Yeah. Virginia, one of the most, if not the most important regions

of the United States in R&B and hip-hop production, and it's because of Teddy Riley. Okay. Guess what I just learned? What's that? I don't know if this is true. I was out here saying it was criminal that the woman who raps on I got a man by positive k

is uncredited on the wikipedia page i just found another page that says it's not a woman that's positive k with his with his voice tuned up whoa whoa no longer a duet also i was starting to think that maybe you don't love the song I Got a Man by Positive K. Jesse, is that correct? It's fine. I don't love it the way that I love the show by Doug E. Fresh and the Fresh Crew. The show by Doug E. Fresh and the Fresh Crew is one of the greatest tracks of all time. We're from different generations, John.

I love What a Man. You love I Got a Man. I Got a Man, I got a man. I'll say I'll say this. It was it was a really big part of my enjoyment of coffee at the Daily Cafe in New Haven was a big banger that summer. All right. Jesse Thorne. Sometimes we get letters.

You know, I get all kinds of letters at Hodgman at Maximum Fund dot org. And I love getting letters. Some of the letters occasionally present disputes for us to resolve, either in the docket or in the not-too-distant future. We hope we're going to have live litigation. Others are just writing in to just tell me how wrong I am about how many holes are in a straw. And still others are very touching letters about how much this podcast has kept them company these past months in particular. And we are grateful to be a distraction to you. And frankly, thank you for keeping us company. But this letter comes from listener Alexandra pertaining to a case that we just heard. Dear Judge Hodgman, Bailiff Jesse,

pertaining to a case that we just heard. Dear Judge Hodgman, Bailiff Jesse, Joel the main man, Mole Man Man, and Jennifer Marmer, I want to thank you sincerely for deciding against me. Oh, I like this so far. Last Thursday, I was awake at 4 a.m., anxious and disoriented. I was anxious because I was awaiting results

of a COVID test that I had to get after being exposed to a positive case at work. I was disoriented because I was sleeping in the guest bedroom of my home until I got my test results to protect my husband and kids. So I turned on the podcast and I began to relax. But then Bailiff Jesse Thorne read my email from August of 2019. It took a while for me to fully understand that it was my email he was reading. But sure enough, it was me being wrong about the term dead end.

Jesse, you remember that one? Yeah. It was whether a T intersection constituted a dead end. Right. Because she was giving people directions to the community pool in her town in rural Maine. And she was like, go to the T intersection, which she called a dead end and take a left. And then Joel Mann and I got upset because Joel, are there community pools in rural Maine? No. Right. So then listen to what she had to say. Judge, I understand why

you and Joel don't believe that I had access to a community pool in rural Maine. Back in 2019, I had only recently moved to Maine, so I don't think I fully appreciated the rarity of my situation. However, it is true. The town was Bridgeton, and my family and I were renting a home in an association neighborhood near Shawnee Peak.

And to the left of the dead end, there was a beautiful outdoor pool. Anyway, I'm happy to concede my misuse of the term dead end. The next day I got the call that my COVID test was negative. I told everyone who had listened that my case had been featured on the podcast. I made my kids and husband listen. It was the highlight of my week and there couldn't have been a better time for you to include my old email on the docket, Alexandra. Well, thank you, Alexandra.

Joel, what do you know about Shawnee Park? Shawnee Peak. It is a ski area. Shawnee Peak. It's a ski area. Yeah, I used to live over there. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, that's right, Joel. Shawnee Peak is a ski resort near Bridgeton, Maine. And I mean, I guess that there was sort of like what they call a neighborhood association. Makes sense that there might have, that I could be wrong, that there might have been a pool there, that there might have been a community pool since it was a resort community. And so as part of my apology to Alexandra for doubting her, I decided I wanted to see this pool to check if there was on map, a pool at a left branch off a T intersection. It would be so exciting to see it. But then I discovered something that took me by surprise. Jesse Thorne, I know you're a duck, duck, go kind of search engine guy. Yeah. I like to keep my privacy private.

Yeah. Would you mind opening Google just one time? Sure. All right. And I want you to type in with me. And listeners, you can do this as well if you're not driving. Shawnee, S-H-A-W-N-E-E, Peak, P-E-A-K, Main, Swimming Pool. This is what I searched because I wanted a picture of this pool. Go ahead.

Hit return. There's just a big box at the top of the results screen that says Shawnee peak slash pool. And then in giant bold letters, it says doesn't have a pool. Doesn't have a pool. And then in giant bold letters, it says, doesn't have a pool. Doesn't have a pool. I didn't know that this was even a feature of Google. So Alexandra,

I'm so glad you're feeling better. I'm so glad you get to sleep in the same bed with, or near your husband and your kids again. Glad you don't have COVID. I'm sorry about that scare. I'm so grateful for your letter. And thank you for keeping us company. And thank you for letting us keep you company. But I don't know what kind of crazy ghost pool you went to.

Because Shawnee Peak doesn't have a pool. Case closed. The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hotchman. Our producer is the ever capable Jennifer Marmer coming to us this week, live via video conferencing from the studios at MaximumFun.org, where she is holding things down. Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, Program and Operations Manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine. You can listen to WERU at WERU.org, and you can follow Joel on Instagram. His handle is TheMainMan, M-A-I-N-E-M-A-N-N. Hey, Jesse, let me just jump in real quick. Did you know that on the streaming service Disney+, they own all the Marvel movies that are famous for their mid- and post-credit sequences?

They have an option after the movie ends. You just press a button and you skip the credits to go directly to the secret, semi-secret post-credit sequence. Did you know they had that? No, I had no idea. We don't have that feature, so just proceed. Not since we bought that one Danzig album and had to skip to track 93 to hear the song Mother 93. No, you can't skip the credits on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. That doesn't mean there's something after the credits. You just can't skip the credits on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast. That doesn't mean there's something after the credits.

You just can't skip them. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. Follow Glenn Danzig as he putters around the front yard of his home in Los Angeles where I saw him one time. Usually he's like carrying some kitty litter for his cats. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO. And check out the MaxFun subreddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com, to chat about this episode. A very fun thing was happening on the subreddit last time I looked, which was people were trying to put together Judge John Hodgman bingo cards.

Yes, I noticed. It was less insulting than I expected. Yeah, it was adorable. It was adorable. Yeah. Submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello. It is I, the moldering ghost of Judge John Hodgman, greeting you from the bottom of the empty pool at Shawnee Peak, Maine. The pool that never existed.

It is here where we bury those scary, creepy child letters that are sent to me long after I've asked you to stop sending them to me. Such as this piece of ghost writing I just found stuck here in the pool drain. It is from James. He writes, Your Honor, I understand and I am aware that submissions for Creepy Children were closed recently, but the rules don't apply to me. Just kidding. James had a family emergency. I hope everything's okay, James. In any case, resume letter reading. I keep very early

work hours. I sleep on the couch in the living room to avoid waking our one-year-old daughter at 4 a.m. A few weeks ago, I was awoken, though, by my five-year-old standing over me at 2 a.m. Very confusing setup, James. Daddy? my five-year-old asked. Yes, I said groggily. If I drain all the blood from a dead person, will it stop them from coming back to life? I stammered out, why do you need to know that? And she replied, don't worry about it, Daddy. I'll take care of it. She then walked back to her room and went back to sleep.

I'm sorry about your family emergency again, James. I hope everything is okay. And to answer your child's question, yes, child of James, even if a person is dead, even if you drain all the blood from them, they will still write you letters about things their children say. Parents cannot help it! Here's one more from Rob. A scary kid quote from my four-year-old. Mommy, have you ever killed a horse and ate it?

No, child. I have. in the underground world... Okay, I'm freaked out now. That's too weird. That is all for this segment from the bottom of a pool that never existed in Shawnee Peak, Maine. But before you go, consider this dismaying observation. This segment has no windows and no doors, which offers you this chilling challenge

to find a way out. Of course, there's always my way, an obscure cultural reference. Ha ha ha! All right, that's it. Go home, everybody. The show's over. Maximumfun.org

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