Judge John Hodgman - Unbanded Brothers

Episode Date: September 22, 2011

Brothers and bandmates Jack and Jeff bring this argument over tourdates, a wedding and being the boss of the band.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, a radio host at a small hipster music station in Northampton, Massachusetts. Today, the case of the Unbanded Brothers. Jeff is the frontman of a band and has been for many years now, touring worldwide, making albums, and living off his musical talents. His younger brother Jack has played bass for the band for the past 10 years. Jack's livelihood also depends on his work with the band. Their argument stems from the scheduling of an upcoming tour in Europe to support a new album. Younger brother Jack asked to cancel the final dates at the end of the tour to return to the States for a friend's wedding. He proposed other dates to make up for those missed. Jack feels that given his time with the band and the compromise he proposed, he was not out of line to ask to reschedule the shows. In fact, he says Jeff would like to deny him just to show his dominance over

his little brother. On the other hand, Jeff says that his brother is being unprofessional. He claims that he should treat Jack as he would any other musician. If he can't play a few of the scheduled dates, he should be replaced with another bassist. His argument is that if his brother is on tour, he's working and should simply tell his friend that he's busy. Was it right for Jack to ask to attend this wedding and use it to excuse himself from tour dates? Is he attempting to take advantage of a family connection? Or should his older brother cut him some slack? Only one person can be right, and only one person can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Oh, thank you very much, Guest Bailiff Monty Belmonte. So nice to hear your voice. So nice to hear your voice, Honorable Judge John Hodgman. For those of you

who don't know, Monty is the host of the much-listened-to-and-adored morning radio program in Northampton, Massachusetts, a town not far from Internetless Hills, Massachusetts, where I keep my secret compound. And he speaks frequently on the radio there at WRSI The River 93.9. He's the soul of the station, I dare say. Would you not agree, Monty? Sure. I believe that music is the soul of the station, I dare say. Would you not agree, Monty? Sure. I believe that music is the soul of the radio station. I'm the dementor trying to steal the soul. I'm glad that your Skype humility

function kicked in and distorted your taking credit for the station. That was very good. No false modesty, though you really are a fantastic radio professional. And I'm really glad you were able to step in. You know, last time we had we had guest bail of Jake Tapper, because Jesse Thorne is now a father. And now we're very lucky to have you as well. And one other thing before we get started, I know there's a lot of justice waiting to happen. Last time, I made a lot of jokes about how bad Jake Tapper's Skype connection was. And of course, that was the perfect time for technological revenge slash irony.

For that was also the time that I neglected to switch my preferences over to record from my professional podcasting microphone. my preferences over to record from my professional podcasting microphone, and instead was recorded terribly using the internal microphone of my computer, thus making it sound like I was at the bottom of a well. And so the joke was on me. But today, Monty, you can hear I have put on the right microphone, and I've also stacked pillows all around me here in my chambers so as to mute any echoes and to make my voice sound as warm and as rich as if I were breathing into your very ear. So I apologize to my listeners. Things have not been the same since Jesse was gone, but we soldier on, don't we? We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. Let there be justice. Bring the brothers forth and swear them in, Monty. Jack and Jeff, please rise and raise your

right hands. I'm actually still standing from when you asked us to rise earlier. Good. Get the circulation going. It's actually good to podcast while standing. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or whatever? Yes, I do.

Sure, yes, I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling in light of the fact that his mustache frightens babies and has been sentenced to death in Texas by Rick Perry? Yes. I do. Thank you. You may be seated, both of you. Okay, brother against brother, I understand. Who is the complainant who is bringing the complaint?

That would be the younger brother, myself, Jack. Okay, Jack, what is your problem? I'd like to first say it's nice we can finally have a sort of impartial judge to decide who the better brother is. Oh no, this is completely partial. I did not realize this when I approved the case, but I must now, in interest of full disclosure, reveal that your older brother, Jeff Lewis, is known to me personally. I did not realize this when I approved the case. He is the significant other of the young woman whom I employ as my personal assistant part-time. Is that not correct, Jeff? It is correct. I must disclose that I am a personal acquaintance of your cat, Petey. Okay. And I don't know if... We don't need to use names.

We don't need to use names. Oh, okay. All right. And that his girlfriend is a lemur. Easy. Easy, you two. Well, so I don't know if my testimony is admissible in court, seeing as how I have fully and responsibly in the past assisted your cat when he wanted to go outside.

I appreciate that. And he wanted to go outside. I appreciate that. When Katie was doing other tasks and when he wanted to come back in, I let him in. So I'm just going to put that out there. Maybe that will be judged as unfair.

Jeff, listen. I promise you I will judge you as fairly as I would any creepy dude who hangs around my house and tries to get in with my cat without my knowledge. That's fine. I'll judge you just that fairly. The thing is that when I learned that Jeff is a known party to me, I chose not to recuse myself for two reasons. One, this is not a legal proceeding and who cares? recuse myself for two reasons. One, this is not a legal proceeding and who cares? Two, Jeff, I must, in interest of full disclosure again, must admit that I am not particularly familiar with your music. Indeed, I am familiar with your music to the tune of zero. So I promise to change all that

now. I have, however, read your comic book. I like your comic book very much. It is called Fuff, is that correct? Thank you. Yes. Fuff is my comic book, and I'm really happy to have your music. Whoa, whoa, why would you buzz market your comic book on my podcast? Why would you do that buzz marketing? That's really unfair. That's really not cool. We can just bleep it out. Jack, all right, order.

I'll have order. Jack, what is your problem? What is your beef? So my brother and I have played in a band together for about 10 years, making a living at it for about maybe seven. We have two tours planned back to back to promote my brother's new album coming out October 10th. Please don't buzz market things. What's the name of the album?

A Turn in the Dream Songs. And you referred to it as your brother's new album? He decided to not include me on the recording of his sixth album. Oh. I'll have order. You'll have your chance, Jeff. I'm talking. I'm protecting the kitchen.

This is going to be amazing. Okay. Yeah. You'll have your chance, Jeff. But Jack, I really must insist that you get to the point. Yes. So we have two tours scheduled back to back, one in the UK, one in the USA. Great.

Are tickets available now? Various websites? No, I'm not going to promote the tour anymore. That's it. Thank you. The tour could end in the UK on November 4th, allowing me to attend my friend Lily's wedding in Kansas City. I've known Lily for 13 years,

although Jeff claims that she can't be that close a friend because he's never heard of her. So please don't put words in Jeff's mouth. Or we could book those. November 4th is a Friday. The 5th is a Saturday. 6th is a Sunday. You're really putting me in the weeds here, Jack. Get to the point. So you want to go to your friend's wedding? Yes. But you have dates. The band has dates booked on the date of the wedding and days around that you would travel. The dates are not booked. Oh, but Jeff wants to book the dates? Yes. All right, Jeff, talk to me.

It's true that what we're dealing with currently is a purely hypothetical argument because the tour dates happened not to fall by pure luck. They happened not to fall on the weekend of Jack's mysterious friend's wedding. So the reality is now that we're just hypothetically discussing would it have been correct for Jack to bail out on not just me but our drummer Dave who has a young child on the way and could use the money. So hypothetically, if we had those dates booked as we originally thought we would, would it have been correct for Jack for his own selfish reasons? Would it have been correct for him to bail out and go essentially just attend a party that he felt like going to? Wait a minute. The dates are not booked currently. Is that correct?

That's correct. So there is no – technically, Jack, there's no conflict at the moment? So everything's been settled more or less, right? You're asking for a who was right ruling? This has all been complicated by the fact that Jack decided to leave New York City and move to Portland, Oregon. So if occasionally Jack is not included on certain concerts on the East Coast or certain recording dates that take place in Europe, he says that this is me locking him out of the band, whereas he is the one who removed himself by moving 3,000 miles to the west

to Oregon. I'm a fan of Oregon. I'm glad he went. He has a fantastic house there with his girlfriend, and I'm very happy for him. But he shouldn't take it personally that he's sometimes not included in every musical proceeding at this point. Jack, let me ask you a question. Yes. You moved to Portland? Yes. Have you visited the food truck called Awesome Cone? I only listened to the podcast about it and I wasn't interested in visiting. No. Will you please go by and support that business? First of all, A, because A, I want to know how those Awesome Cones taste. Awesome or medium

awesome? B, you know, those people called and I resolved their dispute and I yelled at them for a long time. And I thought it was all in jest, but now they will no longer talk to me. And I need someone to go out there and tell them that it's all good fun. There have been so many other people from Portland on your podcast. Why must I support them? You know what? You say you play the bass in this band because you're being as truculent as a drummer. What is the name of the band?

The Jeffrey Lewis Band. The Jeffrey Lewis Band? The Jeffrey... For... Wait a minute. The Jeffrey Lewis Band? Well... Or the Fabulous Lewis Brothers? Well, see, that's also... Is it Jeffy Jack and Truculent, Dave?

Well, we've been going by Jeffrey Lewis and the Junkyard, but we've actually gone through roughly one new band name every five minutes for the past 10 years because every band name that I come up with, Jack doesn't like, and every band name he comes up with, I don't like. So we've been stuck for the past 10 years with a constantly rotating Jeffrey Lewis and the something or other. So it's turned into a bit of a fun thing each tour. It's never been Jeffrey and Jack Lewis and the something or other. So it's turned into a bit of a fun thing each tour. It's never been Jeffrey and Jack Lewis

and the something or other? The constant is always Jeffrey Lewis, right? The third album was Jeffrey and Jack Lewis. The third album was Jeffrey and Jack Lewis? And the second album was Jeffrey Lewis with Jack Lewis. Okay. And how many albums? What if you combine both your names into Jerry Lewis?

It's true that Jeffrey Lewis, Lewis is the most generic name in show business since you have Jenny Lewis, Jerry Lewis, Juliette Lewis, Huey Lewis. I mean, I'm always looking in music stores and shuffling through the racks and I'm like, they've got 10 Lewis's here and I'm not among them. So I would love to come up with a snazzy, snappy band name like the Velvet Underground. But every time I come up with a cool band name, Jack hates it. That's not true. The drummer hated your last suggestion. What was the last suggestion?

The last suggestion was. Well, see. Whoa, hey, I'll have order. I'll have order. Listen to me. Stop talking or I'm going to cut this off. Seriously. Listen to me. Now, as much, going to cut this off. Seriously. Listen to me.

Now, as much, I'm sure you have a lot of fans who would love to listen to a podcast of YouTube bickering for an hour. I run a tight ship here. If I ask you questions, I need answers. I don't need a lot of buzz marketing for all your relatives who also record record albums. So listen, Jack, why is this band called Jeffrey Lewis and the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Because when Jeff got offered the record contract back in 2001, he's the boss and creative director. Although some of the Jeff, stop opening Doritos over there. Go ahead, Jack. I'm sorry. Some of the albums do contain some of my songs. We play

some Jack songs during our live sets. Is this Jeff's band or is this your band with Jeff? This is Jeff's band just the same way Dinosaur Jr. in the early years was Jay Maskus' band. Speaking of Northampton. Yes. Monty, can you weigh in? Look, I know I should know the whole history of Dinosaur Jr. in its early years. I know it was Dinosaur once, but what is Jack talking about, Monty? Dinosaur Jr. in its early years. I know it was Dinosaur once, but what is Jack talking about, Monty? Dinosaur Jr. because there was already Dinosaur,

you know, the whole thing, and Jay Maskus. Jack, Jack, Jack, I'm asking Monty now. I'm going to firm hand with you guys from now on. Boy, oh boy. Jay Maskus is a very nice person who might have some social issues that may make him hard to deal with. So Lou Barlow and Jay Maskus were always sort of at a head, and then they split off into Dinosaur Jr. and Sebado.

And then just recently, actually, for a benefit in Northampton, Massachusetts, Reformed, and they've all come together. And I know I'm not the judge, you guys, but I think you could do the same. You could call yourself the Louis-est, because you are the most Louis-est of all the professional performing artists. Louis-est. You know what? I surrounded myself with pillows here to judge this thing. You are the most Lewis of all the professional performing artists. Lewis. You know what? I surrounded myself with pillows here to judge this thing.

Now I think I might just lie back and take a nap. You're all out of order. I'm sorry. Okay. Jeff, tell me about this wedding that your brother wanted to go to. It's been my experience, and perhaps other people's as well, that sometimes people invite you to go to their weddings and the weddings are located in places that are inconvenient to travel to. Those people who do the inviting know very well that sometimes some people on their invite list can't make it.

There were dates scheduled that would conflict with the wedding. That is no longer the case. Did you cancel those dates? No, the dates were in the process of being booked because we knew that the new album was coming out around that time. So we knew we'd likely be on the road around that time. And we knew that weekend dates are particularly important. It's a lot easier to take days off on Mondays and Tuesdays on a tour. You wanted to schedule the dates. Jack had this wedding. How is it that the dates are not scheduled? Because as it turned out, first of all, Jack, which I absolutely commend him for,

has handled about 80% of the booking on this tour. So because he was willing to do all of that work, it's, you know, that really, first of all, puts the power a bit more in his hands. And also, I'm very appreciative of him putting that effort in. So if the tour takes a shape that's more to his liking, so that's part of the rewards of doing that extra work. Are you saying that Jack specifically submarine to these dates in order to go to his friend's wedding? This may be so. But now back to the wedding. These people, these supposed important friends of Jack's, I can list right off. I can rattle off the top of my head 10, 15 friends of Jack's that I've heard him talk about on a regular basis. OK, go ahead.

For the last 20 years. Go on, rattle them off. Well, there's Rafi and becca and simon and david there's there's luigi and there's carter there's bowser and meow meow and and skippy boy and ray of agonies friends there's yeah jack jack's only counting the ones that he really likes which the other ones won't feel so good about. But I insist that these are people that Jack, they're a regular part of Jack's conversations. He talks about, oh, I hung out with, you know, Tyler. I hung out with so-and-so and so forth.

Stephen. So you, so you, all right, let me interrupt. Let me interrupt. Order. I will have ordered. I'll clear this courtroom right away. Now, listen, Jeff. Ordered.

I'll clear this courtroom right away. Now, listen, Jeff. So these people that you list off, these, in your big brotherly opinion, these are the people whom Jack is allowed to visit at their wedding. I would have just believed him more when he said that they were important to him because they've clearly been a part of his life for the past 20 years. Whereas this Lily person, our drummer's never heard of her and I've never heard of her. You've never heard of her? I've mentioned Lily many times. All right, Jack, please talk to me. Don't talk to Jeff.

I've mentioned Lily many times. She's marrying a current editor of the Believer magazine. Who? Jack's always schmoozing. Okay, Jeff. Okay, Jeff. I appreciate your objection to schmoozing, but I want to see where this goes. I've mentioned to my brother many times about getting him in the Believer magazine through this connection.

So she has come up in that way. Also, my brother and the drummer. The schmoozing just took a mercenary turn. I sent some evidence, actually, of this. I'm not sure if Julia sent it to you. I'm not sure that I did see it. Lily recently emailed me and said, our press person has been hounding her fiancé, Andrew Leland, to include Jeffrey in the Believer magazine,

and he won't do it unless I attend the wedding. Whoa. So you're trying to position your wedding as a business trip. Jeff, I can humiliate your brother just as well as you can, okay? You're going to have to trust me here if you want me to decide this one. Also. So Jack, wait a minute, Jack. Jack, okay.

You guys, I can tell that you guys are related because you really, you share a wonderfully vigorous argumentative trait and you love to make long lists. share a wonderfully vigorous argumentative trait, and you love to make long lists. But this is a court of non-law and also a podcast that strives to be only about 40 minutes long at the most. So before this goes into days or years of litigation, just let me ask you some succinct questions. Jack, Lily is someone to you. How long have you known Lily? 13 years. 13 years. And you've never mentioned her to Jeff outside of the mercenary. I could use this person to buzz market you and me to the believer. She's come to our show in Paris.

By the way, one of the- In 2003, we played a show in Paris. She was at that show with the Mountain Goats. Oh, well, that changes everything. Apart from your desire to use her fiancé to further your own career or your brother's, you guys have a personal friendship, too? Yes. Okay, good.

Jack, Jeff suggested, indeed, maybe even accused, Jeff suggested, indeed maybe even accused, you of not scheduling these dates specifically so that you could attend this wedding, perhaps at the detriment of the band. How do you respond to that accusation? I did schedule the shows so that I could attend my friend's wedding. I scheduled extra shows early October to fill in any, to make extra money for missing those shows. Also, the drummer and my brother have skipped other shows so they could attend their own friends' weddings and have scheduled tours for other occasions. Also, the drummer has recently, I also sent this in as evidence, requested to take that weekend off as well so he could spend time with his pregnant wife. Well, he can take that weekend off because there's nothing scheduled.

This was a month ago. When it was still possible that there would be dates. Yes. When I originally brought the argument to my brother while we were on tour about two months ago, my brother was outraged and very upset and threatened to can me. And the drummer stayed silent. And then after we returned from tour... Very odd for truculent Dave to stay silent about anything. He's so truculent. The issue of the drummer... If I were going to hear truculent Dave's argument, I would have him on Skype right now. But that guy's too truculent for me. And I'm concerned that it's just muddying the waters here. Right now, what I want to know, Jack, is did your brother threaten to can you in your

words? Or did he suggest that if you wanted to take that time off, he would have to find another bassist? He said if I refused to play those two shows that he would find a new bass player for the whole tour. Is that true, Jeff? I may have said something along those lines because we are touring a new album for which Jack was not the bass player. Because Jack was out in Oregon, he actually, I would have to train somebody how to play all the bass parts for the new songs.

And there's no reason for me to spend my time training somebody who's not going to make it for the whole tour. I would have been in a position where I would have had to find somebody else to teach those bass parts. So Jack didn't even play bass on this record? That's true. Okay. But I do know the songs. Okay. I think I'm ready to make my decision.

So I'm going to go into my chambers. So I'm going to let you guys fight amongst each other for a little while. I'm going to go into chambers. I'll make my decision. I'll be back in a moment. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Now, Jeff and Jack, I'm going to list some names to you and you tell me if they mean anything to you. The Kinks. Yes. Never been a fan. Black Cr crows i liked them in high school kings of leon no what do they all have in common brothers i'll take jack's word for it i know nothing about the kings of leon i just heard an interview with the kinks younger brother and it was very upsetting now what about credence put credence in there credence perfect example did you not learn anything from history

i'm always telling jack follow, see what happened to Credence when they started letting the other brother in on the songs. It seems like that maybe, Jeff, you are being a little bit harsh and aggressive to Jack because you, A, kind of don't believe that Lily exists, and B, don't believe that Lily is having a wedding, it seems. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me. Am I going too far, Judge, whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me.

Am I going too far, Judge? I just came back in from Chambers. Well, I've been listening at the door because I thought I would hear some cool rock nerds talking about rock nerd stuff. And all I know is that guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, a guy that I brought into my band, is now trying to be the leader of the band. Yeah, it's called the Judge John Hodgman Podcast, Monty Belmonte. You have your own radio show. Go work on that. This is my thing.

I should also mention very briefly that on tour we listen to many podcasts, and I tried to get the band to listen to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast, and it was rejected. That is not true. I happen to be the only member of theman podcast, and it was rejected. That is not true. I happen to be the only member of the band that enjoys the podcast. Wow. Now, the reason that Jack enjoys the Judge John Hodgman,

first of all, we've listened to many Judge John Hodgman podcasts on tour. So now we have two completely diametrically opposed statements of fact. Now, but here's what is a fact. I have, on tour recently, I have caught Jack listening to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, furiously scribbling notes so that he would have a little cheat sheet of how to better prepare his arguments. Alright, listen, listen, listen. This is exactly what I'm

talking about here. Let's face it, guys. Jeff? Yes? You've got to admit, Jack's a schmoozer. And he's very good at it. He's done, I mean, here we are on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This is all Jack's doing. He schmoozed his way in. He schmoozer. And he's very good at it. He's done, I mean, here we are on the Judge John Hoffman podcast. This is all Jack's doing. He schmoozed his way in. He schmoozed his way in.

Meanwhile, I'm the guy who knows your cat. I had a hand with the cat. I could have schmoozed in. I didn't take the initiative. Jack, I don't want to hear about the cat anymore. Jack. Yes. There's something you got to know about your brother.

I'm sure you know about it already. There's a reason that this is called the Jeffrey Lewis Band. Yes. Your brother is a megalomaniac. Yes. I say this with affection. You got the brains and I got the looks. I say this with affection. Okay, Schmoozy. I say this with affection for both of you. And Monty? Yes? You be careful. You're out of the band. But I've given so much. I say this out of affection for both of you, of course.

And I'm sure that you already know about it about each other because you are, after all, brothers. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Sorry. No, no. I'm sorry. That's right. I'm sorry.

You're right. This is the Jeffrey Lewis podcast. Go on, megalomaniac. I would say I'm embarrassed by the fact that there's Jeffrey Lewis tote bags, Jeffrey Lewis T-shirts. I can't look somebody in the eye and sell them a shirt with my name on it. I would much rather have a cool band name like the Violent Femmes or Led Zeppelin. You know, I wish we could agree on a band name.

That would make me much happier. But the case has been that we have- You can't sell tote bags with your own name on them so you make your younger brother make them for you. Well, he keeps all the money So I have nothing to do with it Just that sad picture of you, Jack With that tote bag and that Sharpie

Just writing Jeffrey Lewis Band I wish I had sent a photo How much you charge for a tote bag? The drummer and I, we split the cost of making them We charge about $6, $7 The drummer and I, we split the cost of making them. We charge about $6, $7. The drummer and you are like, the drummer, you're backstage going, hey, you know what, man? Do you want to like, I don't know, you want to like make some tote bags? That's exactly how it goes.

Make a tote bag, maybe a t-shirt, maybe a polo. We've got hats for the next tour. Well, but you know what? You're doing the merch. I mean, here's the thing. On the one hand, this is an impossible situation because you're brothers, and thus, therefore, you are constant rivals. And yet, on the other hand, this is a perfect situation because a band needs a megalomaniac leader to push it forward. We can't all be chumba-wumba, okay?

leader to push it forward. We can't all be chumba-wumba, okay? And a band also needs a schmoozer to get out there in the world and schmooze it up. Now, to some degree, the dispute has already been resolved, hasn't it? I mean, Jack, you're the one who controls the machine of where you guys go. You go out there and contact the promoters. You do the booking, et cetera, et cetera. You wanted to go to the fictitious Lily's wedding. You just sort of leave that blank on the calendar. What can Jeff do? Rant and rage.

You're correct, although I was fearful of Jeff's retribution on my booking. Well, what kind of, I mean, look, one of the things that we didn't get into because we had a terrible Skype connection for a while, even though I'm surrounded by blankets and pillows is, you know, what do you, what do you want from me? What, Jack, what do you want me to, if I find in your favor, what do you want from, what do you want me to do to Jeff? Yell at him? I was going to schmooze my way into an internship for either the Sound of Young America or the Judge John Hodgman podcast. So if I find, so I find in your favor, I guess to say that if I find

that you have been treated poorly in this band, you would like me to reward you with an internship? I hear he makes amazing coat bags. There is no legal precedent for this. I got to tell you something. You just schmoozed your way out of a judgment. You just schmoozed your way out of a judgment and here just schmoozed your way out of a judgment, and here's why.

When you said that what you wanted out of this was to become an intern for my podcast, not only does that show terrible judgment on your part, but it also reveals something. You are a schmoozer. It's true. You're very adept at it. You've already proven that you're willing to go to a friend's wedding merely to get your brother into the believer. A modest ambition, I dare say.

But one that clearly shows that you're dedicated to this band. But you have to acknowledge, and it's hard, I think, for a younger brother to acknowledge this. It is called the Jeffrey Lewis Band. He writes the majority of songs. And it is his name on the thing. And you know that it's his name on the thing, because that's what you're sharpying onto t-shirts every night. As long as that is your position in the band.

First of all, the bassist, the worst in any band. Second of all, the bassist in a band that has someone else's name in the title, that's your position. And if your brother says, oh, you want to go hang out with Lily and you don't want to play dates, well, then I'm going to have to find someone else. And if I have to find someone else, then I'm going to have to find someone else for the whole tour because of this reasonable thing, which is I don't want to train two people to play these songs. That's the way it is.

You're working for your brother. I don't think you should be, but you are. And you shouldn't be working for your brother any more than you should necessarily be working for me or for the Sound of Young America. I didn't go to Jesse Thorne and say, hey, Jesse, I want to be a guest bailiff on your podcast and then try to take it over like Monty did on mine.

No, I said, I want this to be called Judge John Hodgman. And this is my thing. You understand? My thing, everybody. Monty, do you get it now? The Judge John Hodgman Band Podcast. No one owns me. I am the law.

So, Jeff, I'm finding in your favor, but I'm going to say this. Stop winding your younger brother up. What else do we have to do to entertain ourselves in the car eight hours a day? Well, you can listen to my podcast, Judge John Hodgman. In that, Jack, you have fantastic taste. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Well, there you have it. The case of the unbanded brothers. Jack, John Hodgman accused you of being a schmoozer. I prefer to think of you as a hard worker, booking the gigs, making the tote bags, taking notes on the Judge John Hodgman podcast in order to schmooze him into an internship. And again, I'm overstepping my bounds like you're overstepping your bounds and trying to assert yourself into Jeffrey's band in a way that may be above and beyond the relationship. Well, I'm trying to get out of the band and develop some future prospects for myself.

So thus the attempt, the lucrative world of podcasting. Exactly. And podcast. Jeff, I told you not to wind him up now, Jeff, I'm not a judge again,

but maybe you could be a little nicer. He is your brother. You know what, Monty, you know what you are doing? What? You're laying you are doing? What? You're laying down that sweet, sticky base of reason. You're back in the band.

Yes! Jeff, I really advise you not to wind up your brother too much and make sure that you treat him right, because I do think that he's helping your band out a lot, and not just on the base, but by putting those tote bags out there, putting those T-shirts out there, doing the work. If you fired him, he would be hard to replace.

I agree 100%. But you should fire that drummer, because they're a dime a dozen. That's who I feel bad for. Truculent Dave is stuck in the middle between both of you. Truculent Dave is so quiet, he would never fight. He's like, I just want to take a weekend off to be with my pregnant wife. He's actually on this podcast. He's just silently crying. Good luck

with the tour. I hope you have fun at the wedding. Please tell Lily that I give her my congratulations, Jack, and I hope that you're using your friend to get Jeff into the Believer works out for everyone. I hope so. All right. Thank you very much, guys.

Thank you. Well, I understand as bailiff, this is the part where we go through and clear the dock. Yeah, Monty, that sounds good. But, you know, since you're here, why don't you lay down some bass so that we can, you know, just jam it out. You're not the boss of me.

Yes, I am. All right, I'll go get it. Here we go. Yeah, that's the stuff. Pow! I learned that. Pow! Pow!

And Jaco Pastorius, just to name a few people that I've played with. In your all-bass band? Oh, my, it's four basses. The four basses. We call ourselves Bass. All right, let me hear some of these docket clearings. Speaking of... All right, Monty, let's clear the docket.

Speaking of a wedding of this fictitious lily, I have a letter from John. Hey, Judge. I feel that's too informal. Very familiar. Very familiar. Don't like that. If you remember, I was the slob in the snob vs. slob case on Judge John Hodgman. I do remember.

You remember them? Yes, I do. Well, my fiancé and I are getting married in October, and it would be fantastic if we could get an audio recording as an intro for our wedding. Something along the lines of this would be great. So the clam digger and the snob are getting married. I can't say I'm surprised. Is he wearing cargo shorts to the occasion?

Maybe he clasped it up with some jiggings. Congrats, John and Lisa. Did you like my Judge John Hodgman impression? It was uncanny. Back to the letter. But of course, being the guy you are, say whatever you want. Thank you. It really would make our day special.

Wow. Well, John, it's nice to hear from you, but I can't believe you're trying to buzz market your wedding on my podcast. This is really the lowest it's gotten. Congratulations. Go ahead. I also don't believe that John and his fiance are actually getting married either. No, I'm sure they are getting married because I remember these people very well. They were clearly very much in love.

I think they're going to enjoy a long and happy marriage together. And while I am sure that John is not wearing cargo shorts today on his nuptials, I'm equally sure that he's probably just naked with a

comforter draped around him because he's just that lazy and slobby. Get it together, buddy. You should come to your studio where all the comfortable pillows are just hanging on the wall ready for him to pull down. Exactly so. Well, you can play that letter at your wedding there and enjoy it. And I hope you have a good time and best of luck in all your future endeavors and the many happy years of marriage that you will enjoy with your wife, who is always correct, because I am Judge John Hodgman. Here's the next letter from Isaac.

Dear uber-honorable Judge Hodgman. Much better on the formality, I think. My friend Danny and I are both avid sports fans, albeit of different professional franchises, and we both frequently discuss our favorite teams in a civilized, analytical manner, the dispute arises when he, like a world-class asshole... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The internet, I don't know if we can swear here. Sports fans. Go on, Monty.

Like a world-class asshole... What, again? I just wanted to pick up where I left off. All right, go ahead. Like a world-class asshole... Mm. ...refers to his favorite baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals, as, quote, We.

He'll utter something like, We really swung the bats well tonight. While in reality, he watched the game batless and tipsy from his couch. I argue because I am a sane and reasonable person that because he is not a player, employee, or affiliate of the organization, he has no right to use the word we when talking about the St. Louis Cardinals. To him, the team is instead a they, as in, I can't believe they are losing the division to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Is that another baseball team?

Yes. So, like, it's him, like, twisting the knife a little bit? Mm-hmm. Okay. A formerly bad baseball team, not actual pirates. That's more than I need to know. Danny argues that because the Cardinals represent the city of St. Louis and Danny is from St. Louis,

the Cardinals are therefore representatives of Danny himself. And as such, he can use a first-person pronoun when discussing their exploits and endeavors. Who is right? Danny is employing the literary rhetorical principle of synecdoche, in which the one, in which the part stands

in for the whole, the St. Louis Cardinals standing in for all of St. Louis and therefore him. But I've got to tell you something, that is an illusion and a delusion, because he is not a Stittsburgh is not a saint louis cardinal it's an important stage in infant development well you you're a father aren't you

monty i am so you know it's an important stage in infant development for a child to differentiate itself from the rest of the world to understand that it is not the same as everything else around it that it is not the center of the world it is it is uh separate from other beings in the world to understand that it is not the same as everything else around it, that it is not the center of the world. It is separate from other beings in the world. It is also an important stage in infant development to separate yourself from sports and stop talking about it like a baby. That's the way it goes. Thanks very much, Bailiff guest, Bailiff Monty Belmonte.

Thank you. It's been my pleasure. I'm sorry I overstepped my bounds, but thank you for letting me back in the band. It needed to happen. Just like a younger brother sometimes needs to buck the authority of the older brother to show him the error of his ways, I needed you to get in there

and give me a brief history of Dinosaur Jr. and bring up all those crazy brother bands. Right. I couldn't have done it without you, brother. Wouldn't be doing it without you. Now go make my tote bags.

The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Special thanks goes out to all the folks who donate to support this show and all of the shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. This show is produced by Julia Smith and edited by Matt Gourley. Matt's own comedy podcast is Super Ego, which you can find in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com.

You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. I've been your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte from WRSI Radio in Northampton, Massachusetts. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, email us and be sure to include your phone number. The email is hodgman at maximumfund.org. You can also join us to discuss this case on our forums at maximumfund.org slash forum. Thanks for listening. Hey, hey. What?

Monty. Yes? Everybody, before you sign off, it's my my podcast can I just say a thing sure can I just talk about how my third and final book of complete world knowledge is coming out November 1st and that it is called that is all I mean if Gorley can plug his podcast can't I tell you that on November 1st you'll be able to buy my book of fake trivia and amazing true facts that I made up I'm excited to read the part about wine I. I'm excited to read the part about wine. I bet you're excited to read the part about sports.

Exceptionally, I'm exceedingly excited to read that part. But you'll be sad to read the part about how the world ends and everyone dies screaming. Anyway, listen, everybody, I don't mean to be a jerk about it. I mean to buzz market my own book, but I gotta. This is my podcast. November 1st, 2011. Hey, if you're anywhere near Brooklyn, come to the Bell House to see me and Jonathan Colton present material from this book. The only time Jonathan Colton will be on the tour. And then I'll be touring the entire country for, boy, almost two weeks later, you can find all the dates of where I'll be in your town on areasofmyexpertise.com. So thank you for listening to my plug. Goodbye now. That is all.