Judge John Hodgman - Van Freaks Roadshow in Atlanta

Episode Date: August 30, 2024

It's the beginning of a long holiday weekend here in the United States. Here's an extra episode for your travels! We are JUST about to hit the road on the Judge John Hodgman Road Court so we thought we'd share another great one from our last tour. This one was recorded LIVE in Atlanta on the Van Freaks Roadshow. A dispute about some old speakers, a case on middle names, and some wrestlers arguing about CHILI! Plus some house music from the Chuck Bryant Trio. If you enjoyed listening to this episode, know that you'll have more fun experiencing a live episode IRL! Get your Judge John Hodgman ROAD COURT tickets at maximumfun.org/events and submit your cases at maximumfun.org/jjho! And if you're IN Atlanta, don't miss our guest Chuck Bryant and his podcast STUFF YOU KNOW  Live September 7 at Symphony Hall! Tickets are available HERE. Judge John Hodgman: Road Court! Tickets are on sale NOW! For dates and more information, go to maximumfun.org/events.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I am Bailiff Jesse Thornton here with Judge John Hodgman. Well, it's the beginning of a long holiday weekend here in the United States at least. And if you're stuck in holiday traffic, we hope this episode will help lighten your mood. We recorded this episode live in Atlanta during our last tour, the Van Freaks Roadshow Tour. We had some great cases about home decor and middle names and Chili. Very heated conversation about Chili, a lot of fun. And we had a house band that night, led by our wonderful friend from Stuff You

Should Know, Chuck Bryant himself. It was a great night. You're about to enjoy it. But before we go, I want to remind you we're about to depart on our next tour, the Judge John Hodgman Road Court. And if you think listening to a live episode like this one is a fun time, guess what you're missing out. You're missing out on a lot of stuff you only get to experience when you're in the room with the live audience. That's why I always say it's better when you're there. Yeah.

It is a very special experience to be at one of those Judge John Hodgman shows, not just cause you're there with other Judge John Hodgman fans and with us in person, although not least because of that, but also because as John said, there's a bunch of stuff that happens in real life that doesn't end up on the podcast, stuff that you can only enjoy by coming to see us IRL. So, uh, don't miss out, uh, New York, Philly, Washington, DC. You're around the corner.

Pittsburgh already sold out. Madison, St. Paul, get your tickets at maximumfund.org slash events. Yeah, we got, man, this whole operation is going to be great. If you live in one of these places, including Pittsburgh, even if you don't have tickets in Pittsburgh, maximumfund.org slash JJ HO to submit a dispute. I heard that we're short in New York City. New Yorkers, you're the most disputing people on earth. Yeah. Bunch of gripers. Send us your disputes. Maximumfund.org slash JJ HO.

All right. Let's go on now to the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta for the Van Freaks Roadshow live. Judge John Hodgman. You're going to enjoy it right now. Atlanta, Georgia. You came to us seeking justice and we're ready to deliver it right here at the Variety Playhouse. The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session. Let's bring out our first set of litigants. Please welcome Brendan and Jillian.

Tonight's case, fa la la la la la la la la la. Brendan brings the case against his partner, Jillian. Brendan has figured out the perfect place for this year's Christmas tree. But it means getting rid of Jillian's favorite piece of furniture, something they call the Willie Nelson table. Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom

and delivers an obscure cultural reference. When all your crying don't do no good, come on up to the house. Come down off that cross, we could use the wood. Come on up to the house. Come on up to the house. Come on up to the house. Come on up to the house. The world's not my home. I'm just passing through. Come on up to the house. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Brendan and Jillian, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God or whatever? I do. Sure. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that his home features only one standard table and two charro tables?

Yes. Sure. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Brandon and Jillian, you may be seated and two charo tables. Yes. Sure. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Brendan and Jillian, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours' favors. Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom,

Jesse Thorne, can you name it? I cannot, no. Yeah, I've been torturing Jesse Thorne with Tom Wait songs this entire tour. It's true. But tonight I decided to do something a little different. So Brendan and Jillian, it comes down to you. Brendan, what's your guess?

I imagine it's a Willie Nelson song lyrics from a Willie Nelson song lyrics from a Willie Nelson song. What would the name of it be? Come on up to the come on up to the house is the guests. Willie Nelson song you say, oh, because of the Willie Nelson table. Come on up to the house. I'm writing that down, definitely. All right, Jillian, what's your guess? Well, I had Tom Waits in my back pocket.

Oh, right. And, well, look at me now. Well, look at you now. I would say that would be a Nelson Willie song. Nelson Willie. Yeah. Nelson Willie. All right.

Yeah. Come on up to the house. House on up to the... Everyone knows that one. House come up to the up by Nelson Willie. Nelson Willie. Okay. Very good. Well, what a little trick I played on all of you.

It was a Tom Waits song. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was a Tom Waits song called, Come On Up to the House. I did not sing it like Tom Waits, however I did try my best to sing it beautifully, sort of in the vein of Willie Nelson, because Willie Nelson covered it on his album Heroes in 2012,

along with Sheryl Crow and his son Lucas Nelson. So you were both right and both very close. I guess we're done here. But no, but all guesses are wrong. So we must hear your dispute in any case. Who comes before me seeking justice in this internet court? That would be me.

Brendan, what is the nature of your dispute? I have requested, I request an injunction on the dismissal of some personal effects that... English please, Brendan! Speak plainly in my court if you will, sir. In trying to decide... No, try again. You better not say too wit at any point we don't want any

weird mannered Tom wait style performances here how dare you how dare you baseball all right go ahead I'm trying to to save some some Jillian what's the problem? Well, we need some room in our tiny little place. All right, you live here in Atlanta? Woodstock, yeah, north of Atlanta. All right. And we're trying to make some room for our Christmas tree. Okay.

Brendan has generously brought his own speakers into the home. Yes, for folks listening at home, there are two pieces of furniture on the table. This is not part of my rider. Only one that's important. This is only one that's important. And you have a home in Woodstock, Georgia, and you're trying to make room for your Christmas tree

because it is not yet even Halloween. So you better get on it. Where do you want to put the Christmas tree? In your living room? In our living room there's a lovely window there that we would love to put our Christmas tree in front of. But what is there right now instead of a Christmas tree? The Willie Nelson. The Willie Nelson table. Now why is this table the Willie Nelson table? That goes, that story goes way, way back. Well then let's not tell it. Whatever, let's, no I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it was an interesting story. I apologize.

Let's not. Only to say buckle up. Let's apologize. Let's not. Only to say buckle up. Let's, okay. This table was built by a friend of my parents for their first apartment together. As I was growing up, it was the kitchen table. It's a little low for a kitchen table. It has had several different forms. I'm just gonna angle it so people can see.

This was. Yeah, it's been. Where did you grow up? It's been done and redone. Springfield, Massachusetts, 413. Yeah, Springfield, Massachusetts. That's in New England, Jesse. That's a region of the United States.

Honestly, haven't heard of it. In the southeastern area of Canada. Not familiar. And Springfield is actually pretty typical. That's the birthplace of Dr. Seuss and baseball and eating dinner on the floor. Basketball, excuse me, basketball. Sorry, I made that mistake. It's not the birthplace of baseball. Seuss and baseball and eating dinner on the floor. Basketball, excuse me, basketball. Sorry, I made that mistake.

It's not the birthplace of baseball. You don't have to say anything. Thank you. Basketball. Basketball was invented in Springfield, Massachusetts. It's my favorite sport. I know you love the way they dribble up and down the court. Thank you.

So this was a dining room table at one point. Yes, sir. And obviously the legs have been shortened. It's been modified. Several times. It's got some wonderful leaves here. It's been stripped and refinished. The leaves have been rebuilt.

The structure of that has been redone over the years, but it's lovingly salvaged and rebuilt for my parents originally. And so here's the thing, it's a lovely table. Obviously it's a family heirloom. True. Me looking at it, I would just call it the table. I wouldn't call it the Willie Nelson table. Yes.

So what's that part of the story? The man who made it. Is Willie Nelson. Looks very much like Willie Nelson. Oh. Laughter. I see. Buckle up!

Laughter. Yeah. Airbags deployed. He looks like Willie Nelson. He looks a lot like Willie Nelson. And had you ever had a desire to give it to Willie Nelson? I'd love to sit around it with Willie and share some time for sure. Sure. I bet, you know, 90 years old, he can still sit cross-legged on the floor.

Absolutely. He takes special medicine that makes his limbs very limber. Pillows? Yeah, maybe some throw pillows. I'll make him comfortable somehow. Yeah, wait a minute. We're not talking about your tea time with Willie Nelson. We're talking about this wonderful table that you have in a niche in your living room that, Brendan, you want to get rid of. You want to get rid of this table with an axe, don't you, Brendan? I would like to put it into storage for the Christmas season to make room in that space for a treat.

Okay, so just temporarily. Yes, sir. And that's painful to you, Jillian. You don't want to lose Willie Nelson for that period of time. You want to celebrate with Willie, don't you? I feel like we can have room for both if we were to shuffle out a couple of speaker cabinets. Speaker cabinets, which draws our attention to this other piece of furniture on the stage.

One speaker, one tall. One of two, it's a pair. Sure. And, uh. This is a Sansui. Yeah, Jesse Thorne's gonna do a little antiques roadshow appraisal for us. The model is not indicated here on the back,

and that's gonna be very much to the disappointment of my fellow subscribers to the reddit r slash vintage stereo. Maybe there's a maker's mark on the bottom that you want to check? Do you guys mind I'm just gonna check these cones real quick. Yeah well Jesse's checking the cones. Please do. What is... You're gonna need new foams surrounds. Look at this. Let the record reflect that they definitely need some new foam surrounds on these cones. Yeah you got to get some foam surrounds. I agree. Absolutely. I know what I'm talking about. These are S57s by the way. Okay. What would you say, what if you had to

put a value on that speaker Jesse, what would you value that at? In a pair? In a pair. We're talking about, what are we talking about? A resale value? We're talking about an insurance value? Insurance value, insurance, yeah. So much like the Willie Nelson table, I'm sure this is a family heirloom, Brendan. This is something you wouldn't want to have slip through your fingers. This has been in my possession since I found it

on a curb in Burbank, California. Oh. Well, at least we know the provenance. Yeah. So this is a classic, this is one of those S57 Burbank Curb speakers. Yeah, I mean, this thing, this is a huge speaker. It's not necessarily a super high-end speaker. I would say it's like when there's

like a leveraged buyout of Kmart or whatever. Most of the value is in the real estate. Got it. Oh, shit. I think this pair of speakers, this is a you know this is $150 for the pair $200 for the pair something like that if they're if he had replaced the goddamn phone surround, foam surrounds. Part of the value of it for me is it the real estate it is it is halfway to end tables. You hear how he turned that

around on you? I did. That real estate comment came right back on you hit you right between the eyes. It's true. All right I'll allow it. Look we all treasure our connections to Burbank. It's true it's true we all have Warner Brothers. Burbank and its many goth stores and model train stores. If you guys knew anything about Burbank these Burbank references would be blowing your mind. There are multiple model train stores in the modestly sized suburb of Burbank, California. The Bearded Lady Mystical Museum. Oh god, this is Burbank stuff. Great goth store. Jillian, you want to take a break with me? We're just gonna go over here, let these two talk for a while. Burbank, Burbank, Burbank. We gotta talk,

burb. How about that martial arts hall of fame, huh? Okay, we're done, we're done, we're done. What is your, what is the sentimental connection to the speaker? Or is it a real estate issue for you? A little of both. It is something that I've carried from one end of the country to the other through a couple of different phases of my life.

What end is the country? The western end? Yeah, this isn't the end, I'm going to tell you right now. We still have some ways to go. I guess we have to take a pilgrimage to the other side of the state then. That's right. Maybe take this over to Savannah and throw it in the ocean. Tybee Island.

Local references work, Jesse. Burbank references not so much. Local references. Brendan, are these speakers in use at your home? Not particularly these days. Over the course of the last couple of moves, as the foam has deteriorated. Yeah, it has.

It's danger foam inside. There's a strong buzzing when it plays. The fidelity is not high. But they are things that I've carried from one place to another and downsized quite a bit to move in with Jillian into her home at the beginning of this year. And I am attached to having some personal representation

in the shared space. These junk speakers represent your... Possession of them. They represent your personal expression within your cohabitation. Yes, we have a shared love of music and I think they as an aesthetic piece of decorative furniture. Sure, you share a love of music, but you personally don't often get to share your love of things that don't work.

And Burbank. And Burbank. So is the question that I have though is that, let's say for the sake of argument, you were to put the speakers into storage instead of the Willie Nelson table. Would the Christmas tree fit in the speaker space? Yes or no?

Yes. Yes. Oh. Let the record show that they said yes with very different moods. I have an important logistical question. So I'm looking at the Willie Nelson table now. It's roughly the size of a kitchen table other than the fact that it's you know 24 inches tall. So what

role does this table play in your living room right now? Is it a coffee table? Currently, it is not a coffee table as we have a sectional sofa with ottoman, and in that space, it just doesn't work as a coffee table. So it is basically a plant stand for some beautifully loved houseplants. How many houseplants? There's a lot of acreage here on this table, houseplant-wise.

Three pretty big ones. There's, lot of acreage here on this table house plant wise. Three pretty big ones. There's a little tchotchkes. I have my kalimba there a candle usually sits there. But it's it's a nice display area. And all that stuff's got to go in the hole too. If Willie Nelson table goes into the storage hole, where are you going to store it Brandon? We have a garage. Okay. So all those plants are going to get checked into the garage as well,

and the colimba as well. We can shuffle them to the other side of the room. There's other side tables and such. Let me just say, for a table that is the home to three plants, very nice, you've taken very good care of it. No water rings, no damage whatsoever to the top. Seems like you care a lot about it. You didn't let any of the foam inserts go bad or anything.

You took care of it. We could play records upon it if we wanted to. You could put a turntable on there. Could put a turntable on it. But could not play records on the speakers. Where was the Christmas tree last year? If you had one. Last year he was not yet living with him.

So it did have its place until the speakers moved into town. So did you send them ahead to announce, as a herald of your coming? They kicked the door in. We love Buzz here now. Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Brendan's coming. So you're relatively new cohabitants then. Is that correct? And how's it going?

Pretty great. Otherwise, aside from this? It's, it's, it's a... Let the record reflect that Brendan immediately said, pretty great, and Jillian said... There's a lot of love in this home. It's full of a lot of love. There's so much love in the home.

It's a lot of passive voice in that sentence. Not a lot of extra room for speakers. Did you have a feeling about the speakers the moment that they came into your house? Did you use in the Christmas tree just to, and I shouldn't say your house, was it originally your house that Brendan moved into? Yes.

Okay, so this was your house that you opened to him and his speakers Gladly and did open and him the speakers. Did you have a feeling about them? Did they bowed ill? I was excited about them at the vintage aspect of them. I looked forward to listening to Willie Nelson records on the turntables, playing through the speakers. And then you put on your favorite Willie Nelson album,

it's just, bah! It was pretty underwhelming once he hooked them up. Could you get him fixed, Brendan? Maybe. I haven't looked into it. Jesse Thorn is our speaker appraiser today here on the Road Show.

My question to you is this. If Brendan, is there a chance that Brendan could restore these speakers and get them working properly? And would that restoration lower their value? Oh, that's a great question, John. A lot of people shine their speakers too much and it removes the patina. Um... The answer is this, John. They're almost certainly repairable. Most likely, if all he has to do is replace those foam surrounds,

and I'm literally noting that there are chunks of the foam surround on our stage right now. That's true. Uh... Well, that was a load-bearing piece of... piece of foam. That's the kind of responsiveness you want for maximum musicality. Yeah.

That kind of crumbly... At the record show, I picked up a piece of the foam off the stage, and the stage turned into an asbestos abatement project. Very friable, let's say. Replacing foam surrounds is both relatively inexpensive to do with your local electronics repair and something that a lot of folks who are even a little bit handy,

just involves a little bit of like rubber cement and some replacement surrounds. Atlanta's a cool town. Is there anyone in the audience who can repair speakers? Great. I happen to know that there are 20 people in this audience of giant nerds who know how to repair speakers. Let me ask you this question.

These people are like, no, I only build robots. Let me ask you this question that might be more accurate. Is there anyone in the audience who can definitely repair speakers but is too shy to raise their hand or say anything? Good. We'll talk to you later. I have a surprise for you before I give my verdict. So you mentioned that this is the Willie Nelson table and as you know Willie Nelson just turned 90 years old. He's still going strong

and in fact much to my surprise I ran into him coming over here today. And I mentioned that we have a table named after him. And he said that he wanted to come and take a look at it. Would that be okay with you? Yeah, bring him out. Okay. For sure. Sir, would you come on out, please? Thank you.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. In the flesh. Willie Nelson's checking out the table.

Inspecting the leaves. Doesn't look a day or two. If you need to know, it used to be used as a kitchen table. Okay, never mind. He's just looking at it very carefully. All right. So wow. Well, Willie Nelson, why don't you come over here?

What do you think? I'm not Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson's table guy. You're Willie Nelson's table guy? What is that job? People say I look like Willie Nelson. But you're his table guy. What do you do as his table guy? Find table like this. This is a beautiful table that should stay in a family like this. So you're not going to

acquire it for Willie Nelson today? I couldn't keep a table like this from a family like this. Okay go away now. Willie Nelson's table guy. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm gonna go. Not just Chuck's friend, what's the crazy Mikey? Yeah that. Definitely not crazy Mikey. No definitely not's the crazy Mike? Yeah, that, all right. Definitely not crazy Mikey. No, definitely not crazy Mikey. Wearing a wig that John bought at the Halloween store. That's right.

And that Emily braided five minutes ago. Thank you very much Willie Nelson's table guy. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers. I'll be back in a moment with my verdict. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Um,

Brandon, how are you feeling about your chances? Not great. I mean, the speakers don't even work. Brandon. I know they're trash and I know that that's where they're going to end up. I had, I've been holding off on doing so and I think this may be the last nail in the coffin. Jillian, how are you feeling about your chances? I'm feeling pretty confident. Yeah.

It's a very weird table as well. Like I'm not gonna lie. It's it's awkward. It has its quirks. Such as not tall enough. It was referred to as the Willie Nelson table several times before I asked, why is it called that? And it is just as underwhelming each time. I have to say, I was thinking before. I wasn't familiar with the details of the case.

I'm not privy to them. I was thinking before the show, well well I would share my story of that time I was behind Willie Nelson in the security line at LAX but it would be underwhelming relative to what I'm sure is a great and exciting story about why this is called the Willie Nelson table and yet I now think I should have stretched that story to 20 minutes and used that well we'll see how your kids they'll tell it to their friends we'll see what judge Hodgman has to say about all this please rise as judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict well obviously I'm going to find in Jillian's favor. Pretty obvious from the beginning.

But I need to say some things before I do. For one thing, these speakers are not trash. Well, I don't know about the other one that's at home, but this one is not trash. And nor are you, Brendan. You are not trash and your speakers are not trash, right, Jillian? Not even close. Not even close to trash, which is definitely damning by fame praise, but... More like recyclable.

Or a kind of compost guy. Point is, you do deserve to have expression of yourself in this shared space and I appreciate when you are moving into a space that is previously inhabited by the person that you love that you want to show something and you wanted to show these sidewalk speakers from Burbank, and you did carry them a long way, and they do take up a lot of space, and it does represent you kind of kicking around and showing the space that you're there to.

You do deserve to have an expression of yourself in this space, and I don't think that it shouldn't be these speakers. And if you can parse all of those many negatives, I'm saying they're not trash, don't throw them away. I will also say, despite what some cranky bailiffs might say, that Willie Nelson table story is a great story. Thank you. I love the story. I love that somehow your family fit your little legs under the table in Springfield to eat your cream-chip beef dinners or whatever.

That's just a meal that I associate with Western Massachusetts due to my own upbringing. And I love the fact that it was so named because someone who looks like Willie Nelson made it. It is genuinely a part of your upbringing and a part of your family. I do want to know what the story is about how the legs got so short. I mean, right? They had to have been cut down or something? Definitely cut down. It's taken different forms. It came down here to my aunt's house, and she cut it down to coffee table size.

It's taken different forms. Now I'm starting to think it's like a demon or something. Right now it's wood. Choose the form at the table. John, right now it's wood. Sometimes it's water or fire. Yeah. It may have been a chair at some point.

No. I even had it stripped down. After it became a coffee table, I had it the the varnish stripped and it was redone. Yeah, I already said that it was a good story. You don't have to keep telling it. It's great. I love the Willie Nelson table. And I love your speakers. And here's what's going to happen. This is a real gift of the Magi thing. You're gonna throw both of them away. No, no, I'm just kidding.

The biggest tree. Get the biggest tree ever. Yeah, and chop up all that stuff and put it in the fireplace and burn it. No, what's gonna happen is the table's gonna stay where it is because you are going to give Brendan a gift for Christmas. And that is you are going to take those speakers away and get them repaired so that they play beautiful music by the time Christmas is over and the tree is thrown out. So we're thinking about this time next year?

Great. This is the Sound of a Gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Brendan, Jillian, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all. Brandon, Jillian, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman Contest. Please welcome to the stage, Daughtry and Randy. Keep on sunny side, always on the sunny side. Keep on the sunny side of life.

It will help us every day. It will brighten all the way. Keep on the sunny side of life. Thank you very much, Chuck Bryant and the Last Minute Trio, Daltrey and Randy. Hello. Hello. Who seeks justice in this court, please? I do.

You would be Daughtry? Yes, I'm Daughtry. And it says here that you and Randi met when you were in middle school. We did, we've gone to the same school since middle school. So middle school, high school, undergrad and grad school. Wow, wonderful. And now, people here applaud for education

and that's correct. It is wonderful, but also that went on like one or two too long to not be weird. I agree. I couldn't shake them. Middle school, high school, and community college, sure. You're like, then we got our second. Undergrad and grad school. And what did you study in grad school?

I studied arts policy. Your time is coming, Randy, don't worry. I studied arts policy and administration. Wonderful. And Randy, you studied stalking? No. Actually, I got my master's in healthcare administration. Wonderful. That's terrific. And it also says here that you are engaged to be married.

We are. Congratulations. Thank you. So you seem like a very happy couple, except for one thing. Daughtry, it says you dislike the name Randy. Yes. Now, that's his name, isn't it? Am I not mistaken?

I believe so. OK. What do you dislike about the name Randy? Well, the problem is that his name is just Randy. Just Randy. Yeah, not Randall, not Randall, no, it's a nickname. It's a nickname for a name. Yes.

Now, I'm with you. Uh-huh. Because my wife, who is a whole human being in her own light, also hates nicknames for names. Doesn't believe it. Look, you notice there was no applause. It's just you. We're here. Yeah, no, it's just you and me now. Even Jesse Thorne has left the building. I'm with,

but I, you know, Randy is just a nickname. There should be more. There should be, there should be more is what you're saying. Yes. How do you respond to that, Randy? Do you like the name that your, that your family gave you, that you've had your whole life? Yes, I love the name Randy. Randy is just enough. That's a compelling argument. And I appreciate you standing up for yourself. Thank you. So Randy also lacks something else. Is that right?

Aside from a fullness of first name? Yes, and that's why we're here. OK. What is it? So, early on in our dating, I found out that Randy, not only does he have a nickname for a name, he also does not have a middle name. No middle name at all. At all, so it literally is just Randy.

Randy, your parents were into a brief? They also agree, it's just enough. Do you have siblings, Randy? I do not, only child. Here we go. Yes. This is where we connect. I don't know how I can, do you have siblings, Daughtry?

I am the oldest of two, I have two younger brothers. Yeah, this isn't looking so good for you now, because there's an only child on stage. He was counting on that. I should recuse myself, but I'm not going to. Did you ever feel anything lacking in your life not having a middle name? And that's the thing. I never felt that way.

Right. Did anyone ever ask you, did you ever feel something lacking in life because you didn't have a brother or a sister? People do ask that, but I don't know what the feeling is to not have that. Exactly. Only is enough. Exactly.

Never felt anything missing in my life. But Randy, I have a middle name and I like it a lot because everyone thinks that I'm gonna inherit a cornflake fortune. My middle name is Kellogg. Yes Not post not General Mills. That would be a weird middle name Hello, I don't have any collection any connection to that family But I do have that as middle name and I like it and for a long time I sort of I love it

I don't tell a lot of people until tonight Because I do feel like it's a little a little secret bit of me Okay, is that how you feel about middle names? I do feel that way. I also think they're just fun. It's fun to have two names. Do you have a middle name? I do.

What is it? Is it Randy? I actually use my full name for everything. How did you know? My middle name is Alexis. So I use my full name for everything. I put it on everything. That's wonderful.

Your first two initials are DA. DA. It's pretty good. So you're not going to give Randy a middle name because he's a whole human being. He's an adult. Oh, but if you were, what would you give? What would you give? You know, I think... I mean, that's not why we're here, but I just thought of it.

It changes often. Oh, you've got different ones? Yeah, it's in my head. Oh, boy. Yeah, so... Can I come to this wedding? Yes, please. Please, please.

Definitely welcome. What are some of the middle names that you've chosen for Randy and has he ever heard them before? Oh, boy. Can I come to this wedding? Yes, please. Please, please. Definitely welcome. What are some of the middle names that you've chosen for Randi, and has he ever heard them before? I don't think he has. Good.

And there are more so things that just happen in my head. You have to say some of them. I can't remember. Oh, they ran out of your head? Yeah, I think they did, because I change it so often. It's just, the space is there. How about Willie or Nelson or Table Guy? I like it.

Yeah. All of them. Those are good. If any of them come to you, please shout them out. I will. Don't wait for me to ask. Even if you're in the middle of a sentence, shout them. Okay, I will. But you're getting married. And part of the reason you're here is that you're considering having a family.

Yes. And if you were to have a child, you would like the child, Daughtry, to have a middle name. Yes, they need a middle name. Okay. And Brandy, do you feel differently? Absolutely. They do not need a middle name.

Whoa. Whoa. Randy, what are these children gonna do when they join SAG? Do you have a middle name in mind for this potential child that might come down the road? I have tossed around some options for middle names. Like what?

Well, if we have a girl, my mom's maiden last name is Rose, which is beautiful. That's great, yeah. And so at one point I was not opposed to having a girl named Randy in Brandy Rose Johnakin. Like, very cute, huh? I know. She sounds like a fine girl, Brandy. I'm just saying.

Yeah. And do you have any non-middle names? Do you have any absence that you have thought about for your own child? So Daughtry has went the tradition route, so actually my father does not have a middle name, so it would only make sense to pass that along throughout the years. This is a problem.

Have you considered a compromise position in giving the child the middle name S after Harry S Truman? Wow. Just a letter. Just a letter? Randy, it would be pretty easy for you to say middle name is fine. Like why do you feel so strongly about this? Do they feel strange to you or alien in a way? I just think it gives a certain uniqueness to a person like when you're going to school and then the kids or the teachers will ask you, hey, tell us a unique fact about yourself. You instantly have something that you can say and then everyone says, whoa, that's so cool. So I want them to be able to do that. Judge Hodgman. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You went to middle school with the person you're marrying. You went to high school and then middle school, high school, undergraduate, graduate school. You have a master's degree in health care administration. These are all interesting things. You go to a dinner party, you can say any one of those things. You say, you know what? I don't have a middle name.

That's what got her. That's what got her? That's what got her. What Randy is telling us is that it's so important for an only child to have some opportunity to feel special and unique. They just need some chance to have the spotlight shine upon them. Some opportunity. All right, here's what I'm going to say. First of all, obviously, obviously not having middle name is a real attention getter and a way to meet girls when you're in middle school.

and a way to meet girls when you're in middle school. Now it's not so necessary. Now you have accomplishments. It's still interesting though. And I will absolutely say, Randy is enough. That's a gorgeous statement of purpose in your life that I would love to wear on a t-shirt every day. And it is very clear, and let the record show, Daughtry, Randy is enough, right?

He's enough for you, for sure. So Randy, I love the fact that you have no middle name. Now the problem with having children, well, one of them. One of them, when you're in the realm of hypothetical problems before the child comes, is that you have to name them and, you know, there are only the two of you. Now when the child comes, they will probably choose their, it's very possible they might choose their own name.

That's a different negotiation. Right now it's just the two of you. And the problem with this is it has to be both or nothing. You have to both agree or nothing. It's unanimity or zero. So right now, Randy, I know Randy is enough. And I know, unfortunately, Rose as a middle name, which is your beloved's mother's name.

You hate it. No, you vetoed it. It's pretty clear. That didn't sway you. Unfortunately, it falls to you, Daughtry, to keep pitching middle names until he can't say no. This is a war of attrition. You can't say no. Okay.

This is a war of attrition. Okay, okay, I like it. Eventually you'll come up with a little name where he will be like, yeah, that's pretty good. And I'm sorry that it can't be your mom's name. Okay, that's okay. She's a wonderful person and it's going to be hard to explain to her why Randy hates her name so much.

But you can leave that to me when I come and give a toast. Yes, absolutely. I'll explain it in my toast. Yes, please. All right, this is the sound of a gavel. Thank you, Daughtry and Randi. For our next case, we return to where Judge John Hodgman all began, Chile.

Chile. Please welcome Marty and Gabe. Marty and Gabe, welcome. Thank you, your honor, brother. Uh-huh. Yeah. Who, uh, who seeks... Any of you know Willie Nelson's Table Guy?

Oh, I broke some tables in my time, brother. Who here seeks justice in this fake internet court? That would be me, your honor, brother. And who... what is the entity I'm speaking to? Some know me as Monterey Jack, I'm one part of the Chili Brothers. Yeah. Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers. Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers. Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers.

That's right! I thought it was gonna be Marty. Okay. Gabe? Are you Gabe? Yes. I am Gabe. However, I also go by Chef's Kiss. Let the record show you are a member of Kiss. Which member of Kiss are you? Peter Chris. Peter Chris. Peter Chris.

Reenacting my third grade Halloween costume. But to be clear, you're Peter Chris, a member of Kiss wearing a chef's hat. Correct, hence chef's kiss. No, I put it together. Yeah. Makes sense. Couple of days before Halloween,

this is your Halloween costume. Who is Monterey Jack and what are the Chili Brothers? Gabe, I'm gonna ask you because I feel like I can talk to you. Yes. Even though, your hand movements and facial expressions are somehow more demonic than his.

By design. A little bit of scary clown. Explain to me who the Chili Brothers are. So if I can understand. Last year during our Chili Cook-Off, in advance of the big event, we made... Chili Cook-Off where? At work. Oh, at work.

At place of work, yes. Okay. You're employed. Yes, we are. We are both employed by a company that you might have heard of, a local soda maker. Oh, really? Yes, indeed. Manufact manufacturer of regional sodas? Correct, yes. So sweet. Yes. So sweet.

Okay, that's enough of that. Selling from the stage. We're not here to buzz market for some small, unknown company. Nobody's... You know, it's the 125th anniversary of Pepsi. Jesse, did you know that? Oh, you gotta bring that up. How are you gonna bring that up here in front of all these fans? Well, I'm sorry if you can't take it, Monterey Jack, but yes. Catch the taste of a new generation, my friend.

You can let him say that in Atlanta, Georgia! Monterey Jack, I can't help but notice that you're wearing a Macho Man Randy Savage t-shirt, and I wonder how many wrestlers wear t-shirts of other wrestlers? That's a really good question. Oh, yeah, I want to support my friends. All right, Gabe, you were saying, you both, you took part in a chili competition at your workplace.

Correct, and we made challenge videos, and I challenged my opponent Marty using the wrestling parlance and he returned fire as... So much fire, brother! Chili Brothers. The two of you made battling promos as they call them in wrestling? Correct. And so the Chili Brothers were born.

That's right. And I have seen the video and we're gonna show the video on the show page at MaximumFun.org and the Instagram account at Judge John Hodgman. We're not gonna show it here. You just have to use your imaginations. Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers. Yes. Can you explain what happened in the Chili Showdown?

Well, here's the deal. All right. We're trying to have a chili cook-off, right? And my brother gave Chef chef's kiss over here, I think he's gonna play fair. Fair and square! You thought he was gonna play fair and square. Fair and s...

Yeah, podcast, I'll remind you. Yeah. Fully square! Okay. He made a square shape. He made a square shape with his fingers. Yes. Thank you. It's when all the sides are the same length.

Yeah. This guy brings a chili that is basically a Thai chicken soup. Not a single pepper. Not a single bean. No. Nothing, no chili powder. None of the spice. You know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. You know what I'm? Well, I the spice, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Why are you pointing at me and then nodding like we're going to make out backstage later? You don't grow a mustache like that without knowing some spice. All right, that's enough. Randy is enough. That's where we stop it. Sorry, your honor judge. No further on this podcast. Thank you.

Got it. Hot under the robes over here. I feel you. You made a different kind of chili. Is that right? I made a regular chili. It's got the beef. Oh, some sirloin beef smoked.

I had some beans. Beans got to be in chili, brother. I had some peppers, spicy peppers. Yeah, but here's the deal, man. If you want to have a chili cook-off at work, everyone's always worried. Oh, was it too spicy? I don't want to eat that. Oh, was there meat in there? I don't want to eat that.

Oh, your non-tomato-based chili. So interesting. That's so weird. Let me tell you, brother. That's not chili. Gabe, what kind of chili did you make? It was called Thai chicken chili. That's not chili, brother. There's no chili. Let me ask you a question. Yes. Did it have peppers? It had spicy peppers, but not chili peppers, not chili

peppers. Right? Right. Did it have chili powder? Like Thai bird peppers or something like that chili peppers. Correct. Did it have the chili powder? Like Thai bird peppers or something like that. Correct. Yes. Did it have beans in it? It did not have beans.

Oh no, it had no beans. Excuse me, let me rephrase the question. Did it have beans? It did not have beans. It had peanuts. So it had legumes, but not... Not beans! Not legumes!

You know where you are. You can't be calling peanuts legumes. I get you. I understand. Crown nuts. But they did have peanuts in it. Wait a minute, is a peanut a legume? Yes. Peanut is a legume. Now I know where I am.

Yes. Peanut is a legume. Pepsi Cola. What? Moc? You've got a lot of moxie bringing that up here. Fair play. Fair play. Fair play, fair play. Deep cuts and fair play. That was a fair play that cut deep. Okay, so you put peanuts in there instead of beans. Correct.

Uh-huh, alright. The recipe did not call for beans. What did it have in common with chili? That's a good question, my spicy one, yeah! The recipe was called Thai chicken chili, and it had the word chili in the recipe title. It was the word. And it had chilies in it.

Chilies. Like chili. Did it have... Like Thai chili peppers. Did it have any cumin? It did not have cumin. Did not have cumin. No.

Any Mexican oregano, garlic? Correct, no. Garlic, probably. No. Cilantro. Cilantro, but no garlic. Oh, oh, cilantro. That'll save the day.

You seem upset. You seem upset, Marty, A.K. Monterey Jack of the Chili Brothers. I'm just saying, if you're gonna have a death match, no one's expecting the person to die in the match. It's just a match you have. You have a dog collar match. You expect someone to have a dog collar

chained around their neck. Am I right? That's true, Jesse. If you have a dog collar match, you do expect someone to have a dog collar around their neck. Am I right? That's true, Jesse. If you have a dog collar match, you do expect someone to have a dog collar around their neck. The other day, somebody said to me, we're going to have a dog collar match. Yeah! Right. This guy shows up in a, like a frilly lace collar.

Right, like an Elizabethan collar. It blew me away. Last thing I expected, I expected him to wear a dog collar. Well, surprise is often the element of a dog collar match. You wear an Elizabethan collar, you can probably get some licks in early. It's not gonna work. But it is an expectations game.

I see what you're saying. Yes, thank you. Says here in your affidavit... I usually wear that collar to my new romantic matches. Ooh. Yeah, your Adam and the Ant matches. Says here in the affidavit, Monterey Jack, my superior chili was not only slandered by that goon, Gabe,

but I argue that the chili cook-off was a farce from the jump. From the jump, brother! If a bean-free dish was allowed entry. So, Gabe, who won the contest? Wait, hold on. No. Did you say, if a bean-free... So, Gabe, who won the contest? Wait, hold on. No.

Did you say, if a bean-free... I said it. No, this is what he said in the affidavit. The chili cook-off was a farce from the jump if a bean-free dish was allowed entry. From the jump! You consider the defining characteristic of chili to be beans? I know you gotta have your chili powder, yeah.

We already did this bit. You gotta have... Famous... That's that famous trope of all wrestling promotions. Wait, what were you gonna say? I'm sorry, you were gonna say something right there, brother. I'm sorry, I interrupted you. I apologize. I'm centering were gonna say something right there brother. I'm sorry I interrupted you I apologize I'm I'm centering myself right now excuse me.

What I'm saying is if you're gonna have a chili cook-off you got to know who you're competing against and everyone's got to have a chili that has the fundamental ingredients that's why I wanted to come to you, Judge Brother, because I knew you would tell us, tell all the folks here in Atlanta, Georgia! He's playing to the cards. Clear objection. He just said Atlanta, Georgia. What a real chili is made of

and what belongs in a real chili cook-off. That's true. Atlanta, Georgia, chili capital. Ooh! Chili capital of the Greater Atlanta area. in a real chili cook-off. That's true. Atlanta, Georgia, chili capital. Ooh. Chili capital of the Greater Atlanta area, Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah. I absolutely don't disagree with you there.

Gabe, who won the contest? Jasmine. Ha-ha-ha. Laughter Jasmine! Who's Jasmine? Oh, J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J- I'm not a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken.

I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. Right. So, here's what I... By the way, you keep calling me brother.

Judge, it's your honor, brother. I'll remind you, I'm an only child. Boom! That's good to know. No familial ties can sway me when it comes to justice, when it comes to chili. Yes. Now, I'm going to say something that's going to make you happy. Oh, yeah! And I'm going to say something that it comes to chili. Yes. Now I'm gonna say something that's gonna make you happy. Oh yeah!

And I'm gonna say something that's gonna make you mad. Oh no. Pfft. First of all, you shoulda won. That's right! From the judges only... Mouth. Mouth.

From the judges only mouth. Only mouth. Are you tired of multi-mouthed judges? I am not too. I'm not speaking. I'm only speaking out of one side of my mouth. I swore to tell the truth. You got one mouth.

Yeah. Gabe, I'm sure your Thai chicken stew, your Thai chicken peanut stew, was chef's kitch. Chef's kitch, actually. Chef's stew was chef's kitch Chef's kitch actually on chef's kiss and chef's kitchen works, too. I'm sure it was chef's kiss people are yelling It was a curry. It was a curry curry said a curry But I'm not but it was not a chili. Yeah, and I will also say we're still going We can stop there. No, I I will also say... We're still going. We can stop there.

Nope. I said that you should have won, but that being said, I did not taste the vegetarian chili. It was amazing! I let the record know that Jasmine is in the audience yelling, it was amazing. And it looks like she's picking up a folding chair and about to storm the stage. You can't joke about that, brother.

It was delicious. Her chili was delicious. Alright, then I take it back. You shouldn't have won. Sorry about that. Justice was served. In fairness, there was a category for most original chili, and therefore that was what the Thai chicken chili won. The Thai chicken chili won most original chili? Yes, because it was clearly... Well, they should have given it...

It clearly was not a chili, but it won because it was the most original. They should have given it to Frank, who brought a cheesecake. Exactly. The sanctity of the chili cook-off, brother. It's important. By your bananas logic.

Yeah. I would dare you, Monterey Jack, and what's your brother's name? Your chili brother's name? Sour Cream. Sour Cream. I would dare you to take your bean essentialism and walk over to Texas, United States and say that chili cannot be chili unless it has beans. I would imagine only your sunglasses and mustache would be crawling back to Atlanta at that point, brother.

And I would say so long as Jasmine's chili had chili peppers in it. It did. Mm-hmm. Mm. had chili peppers in it. It did. Mm-hmm. Mm. And I would say cumin. Check. Check.

I'm going out to Jasmine in the audience. Garlic. Yep. Yep. Oh yeah. What did you use as a protein substitute? Impossible. Impossible.

Let the record reflect that not only is Jasmine pumped about this jelly, she has a hype woman in the audience backing her up. She has a spliff star to her buster ride. Yes. You two come up here real quick. Come up here real quick. Come on. Come on.

We got to redo this for the... Sit down, Monterey Jack. Sit down. Where arey Jack. Sit down. Where are we going to go? There's a table right here. Which one of you is Jasmine? Neither of us. Yeah.

This Jasmine's representative. What are you doing to us, Atlanta? What is this? You work with Jasmine? Are you here as a representative of Jasmine? I am here as a representative of Jasmine. And you are a fan of Jasmine? I'm yes and I'm married to Monterey Jack. Oh yeah brother! Let me ask you this question. Did Jasmine's chili have chili peppers in it? It did. You can say woo or something. Woo woo! Did Jasmine's chili have cumin and oregano and garlic in it?

It absolutely did. Check, check. Did Jasmine's chili have beans in it? Yes. I'm certain of it. It sounds like a chili to me. Did it taste better than Monterey Jack's? It tasted better than every chili in that frickin' room.

I can only imagine. Alright, thank you very much. Jasmine, look. When is the next chili cook-off? It's on Tuesday in Atlanta, Georgia! Wait, when was the last chili cook-off? One year ago, Tuesday. So you've really been simmering this thing.

Oh simmering like a spice of chili, my brother. Yeah. Yeah, so your chili Monterey Jack should be even the most original non-chili that Gabe made, sorry, because it is chili. Chili has to have chili peppers in it. Some combination of chili peppers, that's where the innovation comes from. You can get a bunch of different flavor profiles of chili peppers, right? Dried and fresh. Right, Jesse Thorne? Yeah. And if you're Kenji Lopez old, you can add Worcestershire sauce and fish sauce and

anchovies. Marmite and all kinds of weird things. Chocolate. There's all kinds of junk you put in chili, but you gotta have the chili peppers in it. Beans? Optional. Meat?

I dare say Jasmine's proved highly optional. So you would have won against Gabe and I grant you that victory. But Jasmine still reigns supreme. The title is still Jasmine's. I look forward to Chili Mania on Tuesday and hearing what the outcome is. This is the sound of a gavel. That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Our thanks to Reddit user JustLooking0209 for naming the big case in this episode. Make sure to follow us on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman. We're on YouTube and TikTok at JudgeJohnHodgmanPod. JudgeJohnHodgmanPod.

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