Keep it Positive, Sweetie - Love The Way God Intended

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Season 1 Episode 5 | Y'all I feel like this is my year for LOVE. I am ready for my man, my man, my man! So often, we start dating someone and God is nowhere to be found. If we gon do this thing, I need it be rooted in Jesus' name...okay!!! Come join me on the couch with my pastors Shameka Daniels and Dr. Dharius Daniels of Change Church in Atlanta and New Jersey as they keep it real and spicy with me!  Follow Shameka Daniels: https://www.instagram.com/shamekaldaniels/ Dr. Dharius Daniels: https://www.instagram.com/dhariusdaniels/ Follow KIPS: https://www.instagram.com/keepitpositivesweetie/ KIPS is produced and executive produced by Dinorah Peña, co produced by Chanel Laren. Audio and Visual by Kvle. ⁠

Welcome to this episode of Keep Your Posit, sweetie. Today, I am talking about love the way God intended. Guys, it's something I'm still trying to navigate because I haven't figured it out. But when I think about love the way God intended, I think of two things. Charlotte Wayne, the guy, said, it wasn't until he started to honor his wife, I think of two things. Charlemagne the God said, it wasn't until he started

to honor his wife, that his whole world changed. He stopped cheating. He went to therapy. He said, I saw my whole world turn around. And then in the Bible it says, a man who finds a wife finds a good thing in favor of the Lord. So I have brought two of my friends, people I love, and admire so much.

Shemikad Daniels and Dr. Darius Daniels, who are my spiritual leaders here at Change Church in Atlanta, you guys can come. We have a good time. And you also have a church in New Jersey, right? Is there any other locations that I'm missing? No, that's a good answer. All right.

We got global too. We got right. Yeah, I'll get happy. And you guys have been, I'm telling you, like every time I post you guys, before like tapping into my DMs and one lady asked me to come to Shalow High School, and she's, I just want you to know that you brought me back to the Lord from Posting.

So now she goes a change. Wow. Yeah. And I started tearing up. I'm like, that's what I want. That's my street. That's right. Talk about street.

Don't play with her. She's listening. She's listening. I love it. But I just,. She's listening. I love it. But I just, I love your relationship. I love how you, like, that's how you guys are. And I was like, if I'm going to have anybody, you know, and I want to have you to.

Wow. Thank you. Yes, of course. Yeah, thank you so much. Well, thank you guys. I'm really glad to meet you. Yeah, we love you. And we're excited about everything that's happening

with you. Thanks, I love you. Super proud, impressed. Thank you. Yo, we just, we have to be, I'm looking forward to the conversation. Yes, thank you. We will keep it spiritual and spicy. That's what we do.

We're going for both. We're going for both. Yes, I love it. I love it. So little story time, backstory. It was 2019, top of the year, you know, in top of year, we always had these revelations, so things were going to do different. We got our New Year's resolutions and other

things that we want to change in our lives. And at that time, I was like, you know what, God, I'm tired of heartbreak, I'm tired of relationships not working. I know the type of woman I am, I know I'm a wife. I'm like, Lord, we're he? So I meet this guy, and at the time, he was like every morning posting scriptures on his Instagram, and he was posting, is there, has Paddivikate? Yeah, it was atop of 2020, so, too, doesn't like. Oh, Paddivik hadn't had me yet. So he was posting his searches in Virginia,

and he was posting like sermons, and I was like, okay, this guy's really into the Lord, and he was sent me sermons and I was like, okay, this guy's really into the Lord and he was sent me Dr. Tony Evans, he was sent me his stuff. I was like, okay, I'm in after guys, I'm in love with it. And I was like, okay, God, I'm gonna do it your way. I'm gonna practice it your way because I'm tired of doing it. Clearly, my way isn't working.

So let me try this different. And I wasn't having sex, we were going to church together. And I was like, this is really good. And they always say if you have same from sex and it'll show you what he's really around for. And we dated for a year, didn't do anything the whole time. And it was great. We built a good friendship. But what I found was that I started feeling like some distance coming. And I was like something,

something off here is I'm not feeling the same energy I was feeling. Like you coming. And I was like, something's off here. I'm not feeling the same energy I was feeling. He wasn't keeping that same energy. Yeah. And I think he was getting more and out of the weight. And a year later, we decided to break up. But I said, OK, Lord, it didn't work. I was testing.

I'm like, Lord, I want this to be my testimony. I did it your way. And it worked. And I changed my life. And I did it guys way and it worked. And like, I changed my life and I did it guys way. The kind of house Charlotte made was, as soon as I started out in my wife, everything had changed. I wanted that to be my story.

It was not my story. And so, Nancy, I wasn't picking myself off the ground. I wasn't in the shower crying like I would from previous breakups. And we're still friends this day. And I was like, okay, God, there was a lesson to take from that. You know, you practice practices into place

so that it protects us. And I was like, I'm still whole from after this. And I still have a great friend, but I'm trying to see, I wanted to bring you guys on to kind of help. Dive, I just turned 40. Oh, Lord. Yes, congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Lord. Wow. Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. Yes. And still single. So I'm like, I know there's a lot of women that go through the same thing. And so I wanted to just kind of dive into it. I want to know, how did you guys meet and kind of what

was your story? Did you know as soon as you started, that's all right. Well, first of all, what version do you want? I want the real version. You have the real version. Yes. Give it a real. So I'm going I want the real version. You have the real version. Yes, give it a real. So I'm gonna give the,

Okay, go ahead. I'm gonna give my version. Okay, there we go. And I'm gonna add my parts. Okay, perfect. So I'm gonna give you the truth. All right, just, she's a sugar airport. So, long story short is,

I went to this, we met in college. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I went to this small school in Jackson, Mississippi. And she went to this larger school in the Hattiesburg. So my school was like more academic. The social life was kind of trash. So we went, we would drive to her school for all the parts. So it was some, it was a fraternity party, sorority party, whatever.

So me and my friends, we went down there. So we're at this party, right? And there's this girl I see. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go talk to her. So she's sitting on the, it wasn't her. It wasn't her. So the girl is sitting on this, on this like little bench. So I go and I start sitting.

I sit on the bench, I start having a conversation with the girl. Now, I want you to, I want you to see what's happening here. It's a long bench. The girl's on the bitch, I saw having a conversation with the girl. Now, I want you to see what's happening here. It's a long bitch. The girl's on the end. I'm right next to the girl. You got all this of the space on the bitch. All of a sudden, she walks over.

I thought that's right. It sits right in between me and the girl. So my friend, one of my best friends, who like, he's here in Atlanta right now. He worked with He was like he was there that night. He was like Yo What is she doing? Like I have no idea. So the other girl gets up and leaves And she eventually leaves So I'm like, I don't you didn't even want me you just I don't what what's up with this?

And then I'm leaving, you didn't even want me. You just, I don't, what's up with this? And then I'm leaving the party that night, and she standing by the door. She takes a piece of paper, she writes her name and the number on it, and gives it to me, say, call me if you're interested. I know. Yeah.

Give me a ride. What's the part that he didn't feel in that story? Well, I didn't know that part, and I don't, I'm not sure if I believe it, but go ahead. I don't know that. So it was one of my sorority sisters. And she was actually dating a football player. And so I was just like, oh, that's our party. We don't want this party to be a disaster.

So I don't want this guy to have any trouble. But when I saw him, now I saw him, he walked through the room. He had his head on. I was like, yes, that was like cute. But when I saw him go over to her, I said, I don't even want this guy to get in this trouble. So I'ma just go, you know. So you would be interested in what we're going to do.

And protect him. It was mixed both. And it was cute. I'm like, let me just go on and give him my number too. So that was my way, my subtle way of saying, you know. I'm saving you. But I'm interested too. To your credit, there were like the football players had,

they were like gotten into a couple of fights. Yes. Oh, I mean, should everything down. Yeah. And so, yeah. And I was, and I was, I mean, I was over the fundraising. So like, I think we threw the party. So I probably like put the party on. Yeah. She was there. She was there. She was there. She was still there. Girl. Yeah. I love this. Then later I tell you all all the stuff that happened after that. That was really. Yeah, that's right. Hold on. Because I don't know, didn't take me to color like, was it like a...

I actually called her the next week. Yeah. But she gave me, she told me her name and gave me the number. So she said, Shemika. I thought she said, Tumika. Gotcha. So when I called her, Dawn Room, a roommate picked up, Patti, I was like,

hey, can I speak to Tameca? Don't know Tameca live here. And I'll go, all she had to say was, you mean Shemika? Yeah. So it was like months, because she didn't have my number.

And I was back in the day, I'm about to date myself. It was no cell phone. She had one of those. Oh, I bet you had a a major though. I had a Okay, yeah, so she had my number so I had nowhere I was like this girl did all this it gave me a fake number and literally we were at this event Months later me and some of my fraternity brothers and she just happened to be there. I was like you gave me a fake number

It's just like no, I did the way of some kind of like reconnected after that. I love it. I love it. So what was like the courtship to cover it like? Yeah, so that was, um... It was, I think it was interesting because he was clear on what he wanted. Yeah, I think that was pretty cool.

I was in the season where I had been raised in church, but I was in joint college. So I went to Bible study on Wednesday night, church on Sunday, but I lived that's pretty cool. I was in the season where I had been raised in church, but I was in joint college. So I went to Bible study on Wednesday night, church on Sunday, but I lived life through the week. Yes. And I think for him, it was clear. What does that mean? People need to know what it means.

So I went to the club, I did all of it. I did it all of it. I did all of it, but I love Jesus. And so when we actually were talking, you were really clear. And I think that even made me amire you even the more and be attracted to you. You were clear, but I don't think I were really clear. And I think that even made me amire you even the more and be attracted to you. You were clear, but I don't think I was as clear. Yeah, you were you were you were you were figuring out let me tell you this. I think the people need to know this. I think the people need to know.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got you, I got you, I got you. So, um, we are, I guess we're, we were talking, but we hadn't defined the relationship. So we had talked for a while before we defined the relationship right. And I'll never forget this. This is how we went from just talking to dating, exclusive, to courtship. This is how we got the courtship. She literally, she's getting ready to go to this, there's a school in Mississippi, all-core state. So it's an HBCU.

So she's getting ready to go to this fraternity party or sorority party or something at all-core. I'm literally in my apartment in Jackson, Mississippi. I get this call, she's like, hey, me and my friends, we're going to all-core tonight for this thing. I was like, all right, no, have a good time, what if she's like, but I need to actually something. She said, I need to know

before I go here, am I taking? I was like, I was like, I'm like, what are you saying? She's like, well, I know when I go here, it's going to be people here, whatever. I can't even know. And I'm taking, I was like, you take it. You are taking, you are absolutely taking so that's I know people They probably expect to something way more romantic than that But no it's something and it's something I believe this I teach and I think um that

Sometimes stuff will stay in the gray sometimes stuff will stay in the gray. Relationally, if a person isn't assertive enough to require a person to make a decision. You know what I'm saying? So I don't feel like she'd rush me because it's like, yo, it's been some months. But at this point, you should know if you want me or not in that way.

And so I just felt like, I don't feel pressure, but I realized like, yeah, I want this exclusively. So I made the decision. Wow. I love that. I think nowadays dating men are not, they don't apply the pressure like they used to. I go out and men don't even come up to me. Really? I swear. I'm like, I don't know if I'm intimidating. Some people say, oh, I thought you had a man, you kind of carry yourself like you already have someone. But I was taught that way. I was taught that you shouldn't be out here loose and like, you can pinpoint

all. She's definitely single. Right. So I was taught not to do that. But it's like me and do not, they're not intentional. They don't come to me. He's like, hey, like I would like to get to know you. It's always, it's something like they want you to come up to them. And I don't know if Vogueenders are now scared of rejection or what that is. Yeah. We talk about that often when we're working with other couples and when we're talking to singles.

And I think that is one of the things, because even with him, honestly, well, you know, you were trying to talk to somebody else, but honestly, I don't know if he was. Wait a minute. Time out. Flat on the point. Wait. I wasn't trying to talk to someone else.

Well, you were sitting next to my sorority. Oh, you're right. I thought you meant when we recorded. No, no, no, no, no. Talking to somebody. It's okay. But that's official of me, right? So the initial meeting.

But even with that, you were super casual with it. And so I don't know. Some men may not want to be rejected or turned down. And so I mean, people, I felt like at first, we would tell the story, people would be like, well, this is the Bible says who's fine and a wife. So you went after him and I'm like, well, I feel like if there's something that you're interested in,

sometimes you have to just kind of put yourself out there. Good, yes. That's why I did a piece of paper and then if he's interested, then he would, you know. Yeah, but it wasn't, yeah, I don't feel like she was, I didn't feel like thirsty. I didn't feel any of that It was like her making sure I knew she was interested

Exactly. There's ways to do that and there's ways to do that and I mean guys know Yeah, I mean guys can definitely tell where you not giving No, cuz there's a few that don't Like just don't read the room where can't read I'm like either you, just don't read the room. We can't read. I'm not giving you any way. I'm not giving you any way. They can be persistent though. We'll self-accept that.

It makes them go hard. I'm like, no, don't go at all. Right. Stop. But the right one, we want them to fly all the pressure. That's right. All the pressure. All the pressure.

So yesterday in search, you said that you felt like you were called to be his helpmate. Yes. At what point did you, I guess like once you knew that you guys were going to be together, what point you say this is what I was called to do and what did he do to make you know that? Because a lot of times when we look for characteristics and actions in men, it's like, OK, I feel safe with this person.

I'm put on her to help this person. Right. What was it that? So I think when we were dating, we always complemented each other, but I think it actually took years into our marriage where I actually adopted the mind that like I really was created for various Daniels.

Because I feel like we're like a piece of a puzzle for the places that maybe I had strengths then, you know, we just complement each other in that way. And I remember I was going through my own hill in journey where I needed to be emotionally healthy. A lot of times I got a lot of my worth and value out of what I did and not necessarily who I was. And so in that process, I was able to start learning

who Shemiko was. And in that, I'm like, I am super creative. Like God, really creating Shemiko for Darius. And I mean, after that revelation, because it was so bad I would tell him people would ask me, like, what do you do? And when I would say, I help him in, you know, helping with the business or helping with the church,

I'm like, okay, well, what do you do for you? And I would feel some type of way. Right. And it's just like, as I began to really process it, I'm like, okay, I'm a boss chick, everything I do, I add value to. I'm like, God really brought me his life so that I can add value. So I'm like God really brought me his life so that I can add value.

So I'm clear that whatever Daria says he wants to do or there's jump over the moon, I am to help him get there. I love that. Can we take a... No, that's a real thing. And I think a lot of times women, they're not sure if what their purpose is for a man.

I think that definitely shows what you shown her because you made her feel safe and like to know that, okay, this is what I'm here for. Yeah, you know, I was doing a, this was, and it was a different kind of podcast, but it was, it was men, right? Who, and it was a couple of guys, and they have a slightly different view on gender roles.

No, no, no. and the nature, right? And so they were talking about, we started talking about that like this idea of like, helpmate and I feel like sometimes when people say that word, at least in this context, they kind of reduce helpmate to like domestic duties. You feel me? And like, that's not what she does.

So when she says helpmate, it's not like she sweeps floors. Right. It means that I feel like I have a vision that is so robust, it requires gifts other than mine. And so I recognize that those gifts are in her. And so she brings to the vision the things I can't bring to the vision. So she's helping me in that way, not just frying chicken. And I think, and I'm not, there's nothing against that at all, right?

But I think help make can mean different things to different people. And I think it's important for people to have the freedom to say, well, help make means for me, we're about to build this empire together. Yeah, or help make means for me, you know, I'm just gonna focus on raising children or whatever that is. But I recognize that at her and straight up,

this is no hyperbole, whether it's on, whether it's what our business is or what our personal life or with church, it wouldn't be what it is if she had brought her gifts to the table. Oh, no, yeah, no, absolutely. She's the fat. I remember the first, y'all did the pop-up in Atlanta.

Yeah. And Chandler Moore, he performed. And Chandler's my little brother. He hit me and he was like, yo, sis. He's like, y'all gotta come. He's like, I'm performing for, or singing for Chandler's church. I don't know, pop-up. Pull up. I was like, yo, sis, he's like, y'all gotta come, he's so I'm performing for, or singing for change of church, so don't look up, pull up.

I was like, all right, but love Chandler, like this kid has prayed over me, like very prophet, he knows the Lord was raising the church. And I was like, all right, cool, like I'll come, so I came and I saw you walk in. And you know, some people just have a presence. And I was like, and I never, like, literally had never watched you hadn't seen you.

I just knew you were hurt. OK. Like, it was, yeah, I was like, and you, I don't know if you remember this, but you smiled at me. And I smiled and I was like, I don't know if she recognized me or she just didn't like. But you had that presence from the very first time in Best One I was so, and I was so happy when you guys

decided to come to Atlanta. And I was so, and I was so happy when you guys decided to come to Atlanta. I was like, they're really good. Yeah. Because that was a great, great night. I was like, well, I hope they don't go somewhere else and do pop up, but this time, go somewhere else. That's not the same thing. Yeah, but I knew, like, you're right,

like, it couldn't be what it is without you. And then I just love what I do. I feel like from day one, whatever it is we've done together, I've enjoyed doing it. So that's good. I love it. When you guys were like first dating, what were some of the boundaries that you put into place

to get this love that got intended? Because you clearly have the way God intended. Yeah, I feel like we learned a lot on by experimentation. Yeah. got intended. Yeah, I feel like we learned a lot on by by experimentation. You know, I feel like, um, both of my parents, like, I was I was texting my dad on the way here. I was like, yo, how long have you been married? I just wanted to. Yeah. Because today is her parents 45th. Wow. Winning anniversary. So I was like, so how long have you been

married? And it's like their 45th is in September. Wow. And so anyway, um, I'm like, man, they've been married a long time. They got married young. But I have no backstory, no guidance. I saw the marriage. I saw nothing about the date. So a lot of that was just kind of between the dates. Yeah. How good are we? So a lot of that was just kind of bitch Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

How How good are we? You know how okay, do we need a day to public? I like do we need to stay public? I like okay, can we not fix a chill and chill? It's like I don't know I don't know Yeah, it's like we have to kind of like try it out.

I was like okay, I don't know if we can chill chill I remember that movie. Yeah. Because I had to get some balance. I didn't have a balance in my life at that point. It was a little weird. Like, yo, my past of college was like, listen, she told me I went to church for the date. Nah.

It's not gonna be that. But you know, what we did was we submitted to Council so because he understood the guy had a call on his life early. And we just kind of didn't know what to do. And so we had a pastor there in Mississippi where he talked to him, like, hey, I'm, you know, I'm interested in Dandakshin Nekka

and we want to do this the right way. So we were coached through that. That helped us, yeah, we got, we got coaching while we were cordoned. Right, that's good. Yeah, and so that was all we had. That was hope for us. Yeah, I needed that. Yeah, wow, good. And so that was helping for us. Yeah, I needed that. Yeah, wow, because a lot of people don't have that.

We are literally figuring it out on our own. Right, and making mistakes as we are. I'm an advocate for that. I love that. Wow. Oh my goodness. I wish a lot of people, more people have the counsel while dating.

You usually don't get the counsel to decide you're going to be married. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And like we come across some data like one out of four couples who even get it primarily, find it effective because what most of them need as a couple if they're just starting off is culture. What they need individually is counseling. Right.

See what I'm saying? So it's like, we do a marriage council and it's like they kind of haven't been married long enough to call trauma to each other. Right. Right. But they've gone through their own trauma individually. Right. And because of that, they need to do that individual work in therapy to get back to a baseline and then unique coaching on how to actually bring those two lives together.

Right. And I just think, I don't know, I was broke. I was trying to figure it out when we were dating, but I was very clear, like in terms of my vision for my life. And I knew because it's just some stuff I saw growing up, how bad relationships make it really hard to have a good life. Yes. So, super early on, I was like,

you know, we need some help with this because it's like, I can't be in my dorm room, not able to go to class because I'm crying over, I got stuff to do. So we got to make sure this is right. So we kind of went, we went hard. We did. I mean, we talked about expectations early on. Oh, yeah, I was like, I might be broke. Like it was like, it was all of that. Like, can you handle that? Yeah, that's real.

You could potentially make more money to me or anything less of me because of that. Yeah, yeah. It was like that. And you talk to me about even what you expected of me, like, you know, in a woman. Oh, okay. So that was interesting as well.

We just tell, you just tell all of the business here. We need all the team. No. It wasn't that. She's referring to this one thing, because she had like some sororities, there's that maybe manage their emotions a bit differently. So me, I just kind of, we were having a conversation,

I was like, hey, I'm never gonna raise my voice at you. You don't have to raise your voice at me. And then, yeah, I just went down to this, I'm never gonna cut your tires. So we don't have a cut. But at times, I'm not gonna, I just went down to this. I'm never gonna cut your tires. So, you don't have to cut my tires. I'm not gonna, I didn't have a water bed, but there was an instance where somebody,

not her, but somebody, cut somebody's, but I'm not gonna cut your water bed. I remember the water bed. Yes. So, it was like, that's what she's referring to. That is hilarious. Oh, okay. But I mean, it was a lot of communication, though.

And so, we did get to know each other. And that's one of the things that we teach couples, even weird. But I mean, it was a lot of communication, though. And so we did get to know each other. And that's one of the things that we teach couples, even when they're dating now, that when you're dating, it's like the process of gathering data. Yeah. So I know that's one of the things he always says, dating means gathering data. When you get to the point where you've gathered

enough data and you feel like maybe they're the one, that's when you ask the question, am I taking it? Or are you ready for your fee? Yeah. So we did a really good job with just getting to know each other and to get a data. Yeah. I think that's really important.

Right. Getting to know each other. And that's, for me, like, when I do start dating someone, getting to know someone, my main thing is, like, I want to be their best friend. Right. Because the way I treat my best home guy or homeboy, like, I don't, there's no judgment.

Right. It's like, I ride for you. I want that in a relationship as well. That's cool. And if you don't take the time to cultivate it, it's not going to work. Only best friends can keep vows. What? Can we say that again?

Only best friends can love being a lover alone. Does not get you through better words. Richa poor, sickness and in health. Only best friends can keep vows. Only best friends. Only best friends. That'sags. Only best friends. Well, that's good. That's a good nugget.

That's what I take away. I got my take away for this episode. What are like, OK, I'm dating for, if you were giving advice to young women, what is something that our green flags to give a woman? Because I know you have this period of discernment and our intuition, guys are already giving us. But what are some green flags for young men

that they should look for in women and that men should look for in, or that yeah. To know, like, if you were telling me, this is what these are things you need to look for. To know that this man is like on the right, these are green, because you got red flags and you got green flags. Yeah.

Oh man. Do I run towards him or do I run away? So he'll be a few things. I just did this thing Where it was like we joke about this I had a daughter. I've been following you. It's coming out to you It will be upset about that Listen, I would tell her she'll be on gang

That's what I got daughter. She's like watch me man. She's like I got it, I got it. I know what to do. It's so good. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, yeah. The reals that you've been doing. Right. But anyway, like I would say just a couple of everybody, you got your, you have your preferences. I would say to a woman, you got your preferences as a woman. And so it's okay to have those preferences, but it's, it's important to be clear on what your standards are. Right. And so standards not the seal and that's the floor. That's like, yo, just the least I'm taking you to mean it.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, this is a non-negotiable. And so your preferences can't be negotiable, your standards shouldn't be. And then the standards determine what a green flag is. Right. So let's say like, I would say in terms of standard if you're talking long-term relationship with a man you need to know is he responsible right you know I mean like is he responsible not just you know is it hard workers you're too easy responsible does that mean because that let's

know you know I can trust him I mean he's gonna be responsible with business but he's also gonna be responsible in his decisions because he knows how these decisions affect me. So I know certain decisions I make it doesn't just affect me. It affects her. It affects my kids. If I do something stupid it affects my business. There's all these kinds of things. So I would say responsible. It's going to be one. Two, and this is, I'm not talking about emotionally, I'm not talking about like being hyper-emotional here, but empathy. Yes.

If he does have empathy, he will never be able to meet your emotional needs. If not, he's going to be judging your needs. Are you shit and feel that way? Or are you going to be loving a block? Yeah. Instead of getting a sense of like like what does this person actually need? Yeah. Because we put it this way. It's like if you're not going to be my relational needs, what you're telling me is you can only shop in one store, but I'm not going to put what you need

on the shelf. Right. So I'm going to say responsible. It needs to have, there needs to be empathy. I think the person needs to have ethics. Yes. Yeah, like they need to have a standard. I don't want just a person that won't lie to me. I want a person that just don't lie. Period. Period.

Yeah. So, um, and I think those are probably the top three. I love it. And I so I think if I was talking to a woman about all of this, I would first say you need to know what you want for you. I wish I had known, which, you know, God, he strategically put us together. But if I had known who Shamiko was,

early on, and what I needed, I felt like I could have communicated things differently with him, and would have just given us a jump start in our relationship. So I would probably first by saying to any woman, know what you need, even on an emotional, because I feel like we have this checklist, you know, he got to have good credit,

he got to have as much money to bank, those type of things. But I'm like, let's think about emotionally what you need to. Like do you need someone that's gonna affirm you? Do you need someone that's gonna be affectionate to you? And that way, when you have this emotional list too, as you're gathering data,

you're asking the right type of questions to see if this is the right type of person for you. So I would kind of say your list or your list has what it truly of what you need. And then based off of that, I would say, okay, these are green flags. So like, if I'm big on family, then I'm asking questions during the dating process,

how is your relationship with your family? What do y'all do during holidays? So if this person is doing none of that and they're not open to it, that's a reason for me. Rewarding all of that. Right. So I would kind of gauge it in that way. Okay.

I love that. I love that. Because for me, like, it's for me, I'm telling my business now. That's what you're here for. That's why you really do. That's why we got to. That's why you really do. I really want to know my business. So there, recently, we had as a team of premier. And my realtor was there, and she had posted me on her story.

And this young woman had a dream that me and her brother got married. And she woke up and saw me on her friend's story. And she was like, do you know this girl? She was like, I had a dream to her, and my brother were together. So my friend, she's like, let me see what you look like. So she's saying, everything is like Instagram, what you got to see the perception first.

So she's like, oh yeah, she's single. So then she's sitting to me and she's like, he's interested in you. And I was like, yeah, sit in my number, but we're like top cops. And like we're talking and have so many similarities and he was raised my past there. So he's like, he knows, it's just like,

don't let him feel you, you know the word too. And I'm like, okay. But it was a situation where like, he's like, yeah, I need to get back in church because COVID really kind of got people used to just sitting at home watching it versus getting coming back. Which is our love that we are back in church in the house.

Just with like-minded people, we're all in alignment. But I'm wondering, okay, as I navigate this, I'm like, okay, Lord, I just feel like this is my year. Okay. From what? I feel like I was bringing my husband. You know, and people like kind of like, when I bought this house, they were like,

why are you buying this house? Like, you're never gonna find a man. Like, like, it was gonna be intimidating for someone. And I was like, well, I'm 40. I'm not gonna keep waiting on him to come. Like, if you don't ever come, I'm a liver. I want to live here. Exactly.

And some, as I navigate this, what are, so if you could tell me as Lil Sis, I mean, it's not that we're not there for our part, but like, Lil Sis, because you obviously noticed you're doing the, what I would tell my daughter. As I'm navigating this,

because I, aesthetically, this man is fine. Yes, come on. Yes. Yes. I'm like, come on, Lord. Yes. And we have so many similarities, and we're gonna continue to get to know each other, but as I navigate this, come on Lord. Yes. And we have so many similarities. And we're going to continue to get to know each other.

But as I navigate this, what would you tell me? Like it just says advice like, hey, it says, this is what you should do. If this is why you really like, this is how you should like navigate this. Yeah, I think I would tell you. I love you keeping a butt, right? OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you. OK. Yeah. I love you keeping a butt, right? I got you, keep a butt.

I love you. Okay, listen. I would say I want you to be super clear on what you feel like. You have to have in a relationship to be fulfilled and whether or not he is actually demonstrating some of that versus whether or not you are falling for what might just be potential. Yeah, that's good. I think you should see potential, but you don't fall in love with potential.

Right. Right. You need to fall in love with the... Yes. And so, and when I'm talking about potential, I'm not talking about like career or anything like that. Of course, it takes time. Right. But like

how do we put it? We put it so it's like your needs need to automatically be his values. So for example if she needs affirmation I need to value a firmament. That way it's always going to be organic for me and it's not going to be something I have to put on. And she is not going to have to live with wondering, I'm not going to get it this week. You know what I'm saying? So I don't know what though, I think those needs are different for everybody. Like, yo, what do I really need in relationship? And then when I look at him, it's like, does he just kind of do that automatically? And if so, I'll be like, yeah, that's a, that's a pro C. That's a green light. You know what I mean?

And if it's not there yet, it does mean it's a red light. It's just me, yo, to say yellow light, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just look to see, yeah. Is he gonna have to, right? Is he gonna have to try to do this? Of course, he's gonna have to learn how to do it

the way you need it. But he's got to value it. And then it'll be organic on a matter of. That's, to me, it's the most important thing. No, and that's what's helped us, because we, and we talk about this, we do check-ins. So we believe in doing check-ins often, just to see how we're doing with our needs,

like emotionally how you're doing. But then, even I believe in when I'm working with couples, I tell them like every quarter, like our lives are changing so much. As we get halfway through the year, we want something totally different. Yep, I think you should. No, that's right.

I'm firing me. No, Donna, don't hold me. No, don't. In this season of my life, I feel like I need more affection, fierce. In this season, that's what I tell her. Oh, no. And so we kind of, I believe like every quarter, affection. Yes. In this season, that's what I tell them. Oh, no.

So we kind of, I believe, like every quarter, do a whole check-ins. Talk about really what it is that you need. Yeah. Just in this moment, you may be dealing with things or going through shows, or you might just need a little more affection or a little more affirmation. So I'm big on doing the check-ins,

and this is all a part of communication. Yeah. And it's going to even help the relationship even the more. Yeah. I love it. Now, you spoke on something about basically kind of loving each other the way you need to love. Right.

Yeah. Did it all come from communicating just basic communication like this is what I need or was that trial and error like did you ever not get in what you needed and like had to like, Hey, this is what I need. Right. A thousand percent. Okay. Yes.

All the time. I don't think it's because we didn't know like a lot of the stuff we had to teach ourselves So yes, we had somebody that coached just an adating. But once we jumped in marriage, we were 22 Yeah, super young. Yeah, we were young. So at that age You don't know you enough. Well, we didn't know us enough We didn't know us enough to be able to even articulate to another person. Right. What we need. Right.

Which, and I know this sounds easy for us to say, but I wish people would trust us a little bit more when we say this. When people feel like, yo, I'm so behind schedule and I wish I would be married right now. And I'm just like, your experience is going to be so much better. Because all the years we spent getting to know ourselves was also years we spent doing some damage to each other. That's right. That we had to heal.

Right, so and that can be really, it can be really tough. And when a person is a little bit older and they've done the work. That's right. And they know who they are, they know what they need. You start light years ahead of where we've actually started. And you can make more blissful and your relationship can be like a like an airplane take off as

opposed to a roller coaster. Right. When you do it, when we did it, it was like it's a roller coaster coaster, it's up and down, because there's some things we just didn't know about each other. So there was some experimentation, and then there was some honest conversation. So we've been working on this thing, we call it relationships on sensor.

Yeah, I'm ready to get in relationships, I can come to that. But it's like, couples on like. And I think our lane is like, yo, not uncensored in terms of hurting each other, but you gotta be unsensitive with each other. In every area, it's like those check-ins, it's not brutal, but it's just like, yo, we say, like, instead of saying, how am I doing, it's like, we say your emotions are like cups. How are your cups?

I love it, it's like, uh, my affirmation cup is a little low. Right. But you've got it, if it's low, she's got to say it's low. Yeah. Instead of trying to spare my feelings and hurting our relationship. Yeah. So we just, I feel like the uncensored communication is the key. I love that. That's helped us so much. And so, and then I know for us too, because we were so young, we had to read a lot. So we have read so much material and we've taken it and tried this with one person saying, what's somebody else saying?

So now it's kind of a combination. Right, I'm the same way. I'm all these type of relationship books, I have this crazy. I've read books, it was one book that had to get a man. Or had to keep them like all these things women should do. I've read The Weight, I've read it. Every single one of them looked like he'd tell me in different ways how to keep a man.

And I feel like turning 40, there was times in my 30s I felt like I was behind the mark. Like career was going great. And I look around like, Lord, I have everything I want. Where is the love? You know, and like, I know I have love in me. I give it to everybody that I'm around. But where is my person? Right.

And there's times where I would get discouraged. Like, I would walk into my room and all the pillows were lined up on one side of the bed, where somebody else should be. And I'm just like, is this my life? Right. Like, you know, and it gets discouraging. Yeah.

It really does. And I think now, once I hit 40, I hit a place where clarity, I'm talking about extreme clarity in what I want, in therapy, healing, and learning a lot of things. And I think now I'm realizing, I know everything's in God's timing,

but it's also knowing like you're saying, you've learned, you will have learned so much and be light years ahead, when you are a little late to the game, also knowing, like you're saying, you've learned, you will have learned so much and be light years ahead when you are a little late to the game, or if you think you're late, you're gonna be right on time. And even with my career, like I know how you, like guys, like no, you need to focus on this right now because I know if I bring somebody in,

you're gonna be a little distracted, right? Because that's what you need, right? Like I never want my person to be on the gligt, like I've put a lot of other things back to make sure they're good. Right, right, right. So I feel like a part of that is because he knows the right time. Yeah. But I feel like the time is coming.

I feel like it's drawing near. No time. Come on. It has been an amazing start. And even my manager, Denora, she was just like, she said, it was something at the top of the year. I just feel it. She was like, this is like going to be an incredible year for you.

And she was like, I feel like you can find your husband, like, business, everything is just gonna explode. And I feel that too. It's all to a great start. But I'm still trying to like figure out this whole dating thing and trying to lock it down. You know? I think what I would probably say is,

so with the dating, yes, you're learning each other, you're gathering data. But I think when I have the revelation of, and it's something that we probably read, and it's in scriptures how it talks about husband and wife, how you're supposed to meet each other's needs. When we start leaning into communication first, we're then learning each other's needs. And so my number one goal is to meet his needs and his is mine. I feel like it just did something new for our relationship.

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I want to know for you guys, what is like the definition of love the way God intends for you to? So, for me, it's going to be a couple of things. And, well, let me tell you what I mean, what I think about when you say that, right? Okay.

I think about this. the creator of a thing Know how to get the best out of it. Right. So because for me This whole idea of love and relationships as God's idea doing it his way isn't just about Yo, I want to do this because it's right Like I want to do it this way because it's wise. It just makes sense to listen to the person that kind of created it. And so for me, what that means practically,

and I know people, some people have a problem with this, but it's like some people talk about the term servant leadership. It's like for me, with my wife, is I'm a servant lover. And by that is what are the relational needs that God intended to be met in the context of marriage? Right.

Wow. There are certain things that only I can do emotionally and relationally for her. And so saying part of my job as a husband is to do those things. That is like, yo, that is love. God's way. This is love is the antenna. Yeah, absolutely.

So I mean, I said a couple of things, but you know, I'm a speaker. So I go, I say too much. So that's not right. That's so good. That's good, and I would do that because it goes all back to the scriptures where in marriage it talks about a husband is supposed to satisfy his wife

and invite her first to wife satisfy her husband. So that's, I believe if you meet each other's needs, you keep God in the foundation as a foundation, then I believe the marriage can be everything that God has called it to be. Yeah. What do you feel like, love the way God intended in a dating face for people who aren't married yet?

Yep. So a couple of things. So one is obviously the, it's the gathering the data. And that is, okay, what are my standards? And what are my needs? And do I feel like this person meets them organically? Now, once that's taken place,

this is about to be a little controversial. Okay. Okay. This is a little controversial. This is a little controversial. Once you kind of feel like I got a green light here and when I say green light meaning, okay, I feel safe investing fully emotionally.

I don't think you should be reckless emotionally, but like, okay, I'm going all in emotionally here. I feel like the same pattern's in, not the same, but similar, the similar way you would serve relational needs when you merit, you practice that when you date me. Right. Okay. Yeah, so I think it's just that I know it is. Yeah, that's controversial. Wait a minute.

So I'm not saying everything, right? Of course there are certain things that should be reserved for marriage. Yet at the same time, it's like, so you're gonna wait until the ring before you practice meeting her needs. You know what I mean? You're gonna wait, because I know you think, when you say I do, you can just flip the switch

and it takes it to another level. And it's like, no, not really. another level and it's like no not really so I believe it's kind of like dating is great practice and it's not just if it's love God's way then it can show up in the dating phase and in a marriage phase. Thank you guys so much. We are going to get to the part of the show where we have positive outcomes. And this is where the fans write in, and we kind of give them advice.

So this one says, I've had a boyfriend for five years. We live together and have a child together. I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not we should be together because we're five years in with a baby and he has not proposed. We've talked about marriage. He says he wants to be married, but he's not ready because he wants to make sure we're financially secure before doing so.

What should I do? We really just kind of tell him. We really just talked about this. If I was talking to her, one of the things I would tell it is like, I want you to give yourself permission to define too long for you. Because nobody can define that. Nobody can define that.

You know what season of life you're in. You know the kind of investment that you've made in the relationship and how you try to show yourself to be a person that wants to spend the rest of your life with this person. And at some point, you have to decide, you have to accept that I can't control another person. The only person I can control is me.

And you have to set a boundary, because I don't know if there's anything she can do besides assuring him that money's not an issue for her to make him change his mind. So if I had a daughter, I would tell her, I wouldn't say give it another year, give it two years. I was like, when you feel like you've had enough for the next the right time.

I feel like people tend to put on you with their timeline. He's like, I'm sure her friends may be like, girl, why are you still with him? Why are you waiting this long? But that's their timeline. And he's like, I'm sure her friends may be like, girl, why are you still with him? Or why are you waiting this long? But that's their timeline. That may not be hers. And I feel like society and our peers put that pressure

on us to like, oh, then you start pushing your guy. So what are you gonna do this? Cause I'm embarrassed. Cause everybody else thinks we should have done this by now. Right. So that's good. How do you feel about that? No, no.

So I do agree. I believe that she does have to set her own boundaries, but I know also sometimes with guys They want to get it because we're Pretering this lifestyle that we want to live and they feel like they have to have enough to keep up with it Yeah, so in assuring him I would assure him and I wouldn't live in that way to show right now like I'm good I just won't you and we don't have to ever have anything else. And I'm good, but I would make sure that I'm living that as well.

If that's the true issue, because that might not be the true issue. Yeah, a lot of times I don't feel like women are putting that pressure, sometimes they are. But a lot of times you've been with them five years. You probably not putting that kind of pressure on them monetarily, but man, we do put that pressure on ourselves. OK, so we are coming to the close, and we'd like to end it with keep it blank, sweetie, and you feel on the blank with something

that resonated from the podcast. Okay. So I'll start with, let me see, because it was so many nuggets, good Lord. I would say keep it honest, sweetie. Yeah. Keep it honest, because you have to be honest with each other. Right.

Yeah. So that's what I was gonna say. Ah! I can come up with a couple more, it's good. Yeah, I'm gonna say, I don't know, you're gonna wonder where I got this from. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, but I mean it.

I'm gonna say keep it spicy, sweetie. I like it. Yeah, I think some of the conversations need to be edgy. I mean, keep it uncensored. I mean, spicy in the sense that things that you are feeling, that are positive and passionate, articulate in those things. Yeah, I love that.

And I'm just speaking from a man's perspective. Yes. Because the 30-year-old man still need to hear what the three-year-old boy here, you know how you, three-year-old was like, look at your, look at their muscles. And he starts flexing his muscles. It affects the 30-year-old man the same way. He just invisibly flex.

He's flexing internally. So he needs to hear those things. So she will do that. So I walk in a room and she'll make a noise. You know, sometimes it would be a church. And I'm like, wait, you know what I mean? You green like what I did that. Yeah.

You mean a lot of them. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm like, we need that. That's spicy. I need that. Yeah, I love it. I'm like, we need that. That's spicy. I mean that. Yeah, he's spicy. I love it.

I would probably say, so I really want to say honest, but I would say keep it real and I would say real within you. Like you need to know what you want and be able to communicate what you want. And so I think if you're being honest and real in the relationship, then it's going to, it's going to just help so many different things. And I think when we start being something else, other than who we truly are, then that's where everything goes left. That's it. Yeah. That's good.

So we want you guys to keep it honest, keep it real, and keep it spiced. That's so good. I love it. So I just want to thank you guys so much for coming. And thank you guys for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Keep It Positive, sweetie. And make sure you guys continue to keep it positive. I love you guys, and I hope you guys for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Keep It Positive Sweetie. And make sure you guys continue to keep it positive. I love you guys, and I hope you guys so much out of this as I did.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. you