Upstream - Episode 3: Goldfinger

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

It's one of the most widely beloved bond films of all time, he's one of the most iconic bond villains of all time- Enjoy a movie where Bond simply moves from place to place and watches a Bond film happen around him.   We are, as ever, Alice, Abi and Devon. Follow us at https://twitter.com/KillJamesBond Find more episodes at https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond

Ladies and gentle them, we have a serious problem. We have a good James Bond film. I maybe wouldn't go that far, it was enjoyable to watch, certainly. More so than the previous two, but I have a lot to complain about, still. He doesn't do anything! He's hardly in it! Well, he just sort of spectates! Which is why it's good!

No, this is the problem, right? As an anti-James Bond podcast, this is going to be the best one that we talk about, I think. I have a strongly held belief here that this is the best James Bond movie. He just plays golf. That's the only thing

he does. Yeah, exactly. And so because it has so little Bond in it the alternate title is james bond's day off like every single thing that bond actually does he fucks up completely it's just a plot that happens in spite of james bond rather than due to yeah and if they had just kept to that, then we would have had some quite enjoyable films, but instead they did not. But we're talking about...

We're talking about Goldfinger! The first one where the plots got really sort of out there. A little bit silly, a little bit zany. The first one with the gadgets that we come to know and love. The first one where Bond is a little bit more whimsical. And let me give you the intro because I'm very happy with this. Man has climbed Mount Everest. Gone to the bottom of the ocean.

He has fired rockets to the moon. Split the atom. Achieve miracles. In every field of human endeavor except crime here we are vitally concerned with unauthorized leakages. Welcome back. Fucking hell.

Oh, you bastard, you slipped that one in under the radar. Oh, you got me with that. Welcome back to Kill James Bond. It's me, Alice, Abby, and Devin. How you doing? Hello. And we're here talking about unauthorized leakages! So yeah, let's just introduce our sponsor right away, Huggies. So, this is, like, this is the first in a long tradition of pre-credit sequences that have fuck all to do with the movie.

But we start the movie with Bond just kind of blowing up an oil refinery. Yeah, he's just sort of finishing what we take to be a previous adventure. Yeah, just what we should take to be bond sort of interstitial in between movies stuff is he's just blowing up a single oil tanker with a thing of plastic explosive that looks like fucking uh like sour cream he does wear a duck on his head at one point which is very funny yeah he wears a duck on his head he does the he strips off the wetsuit to reveal a perfect white tuxedo with a red carnation.

He is then the most conspicuous person in the bar, because he's the only one wearing that. He also is the only one who doesn't panic when it explodes. Yeah, because he is smugly looking at his Rolex at the exact moment when it goes off. The least suspicious thing you can do when a bomb goes off. But we find out that this is some, like, drug lab? Somewhere in South America?

Yeah, they're making heroin and using it to finance revolutions. It doesn't matter. Bond is finishing an adventure, he goes to Shag. Of course. And a goon comes up behind him to try and hit him with, like, a sap. He uses the heavy attack? He uses the heavy attack, but the reason why he uses the heavy attack is because he sees this goon reflected in the eye of the woman that he's currently fucking.

And he just spins her around, and like, lets her take the blow for him. What a guy. What a fucking chivalric hero this guy is. And then fights the other guy, he tosses him into like, the bathtub, and fucking electrocutes him. And he throws an electric lamp in there, and just to sort of set the tone for the rest of the movie, you get the inevitable... Shocking.

Horrendous. Fine. Whatever. Sure. He indulges in some more of his other favourite hobby, which is towel sniffing. Why does he do this every time? It's one of his most firmly established character traits, is that James Bond is A, lucky, and B, enjoys sniffing towels.

He loves to sniff a towel. Do you think he's being directed to do that, or if that's just Sean Connery injecting a little bit of personality? Yeah, I think he ad-libbed the towel thing. Just a lot of towel-focused seduction, and he's just like, I gotta do something with this towel. We get through that, and Bond finds himself on vacation in Miami Beach. Well, we have a title sequence with a real-

Have THE title sequence. A real song for the first time! We have a full- We got Shirley Bassey! Really good song as well. Absolutely. Fantastic. Belting out... You know what the song is. It's the song from Goldfinger,

and she's singing the song from Goldfinger. And she's singing the song from Goldfinger. And the credits are projected onto a woman's ass, which is what we love to see on James Bond. It's nice and cheap. A gold woman's ass. Also, when Shirley Bassey was recording that, she had the title sequence

projected in front of her so she could sync it up. And the title sequence was like a few seconds longer than everyone thought it was, and she nearly, like, knocked herself unconscious holding that last high note. In her memoir, she said she had to take her bra off mid-note to try and be able to keep breathing, holding the high note on like he loves only gold to be fair, he does love gold

yeah he does everything you need to know about Oric Goldfinger's character just presented right to you it's very helpful I'm looking forward to meeting him because I think he's a really good character Oric Goldfinger he really gets kind of dumped in Bond's lap

Bond is on vacation in Miami and his friend Felix Leiter, who is now played by a different actor, because the old one wanted too much money, it just sort of dumps this job on him. It's like, hey, M phoned me. You got to spy on this dude, Auric Goldfinger.

And this is how Goldfinger is introduced. Auric Goldfinger. Sounds like a French nail varnish. He's British, but he doesn't sound like it. Big operator, worldwide interest, all apparently quite reputable. So he's like... He's just like a slightly ridiculously named wealthy man. But the thing is, we see him... He's like somebody that you'd cover on Trash Future, really. Yeah. He really is.

But we see him straight after this, and... I don't know how I can describe the fit that Goldfinger goes through. We're gonna have to just describe them every time, because he's wearing nothing but class, like, top to bottom. The closest thing I can say is that this is the most podcaster-looking man in the James Bond canon. He arrives in a gold lame dressing gown, looking extremely ruddy. And this might be the episode art. We are by the pool. And Goldfinger, he's not dressed in a chairman mouse.

He's dressed to go to the pool, which he is. I really appreciate that Goldfinger like, he's a very hands-on villain and we established that he is cheating at cards. He's playing against somebody and cheating at cards. And I appreciate a villain who is dedicated to that kind of

casual, petty villainy. Yeah, just like petty shit. Like everything he does is a little bit villainous it's it's he's a lovely character and i'm gonna spend a lot of this talking about how how much i enjoyed him and him and he's really he's really affable is the thing and he he like the thing that we're we first know about goldfinger is that he's a cheat right he's he's playing gin rummy which fuck off is that a real game? I don't think it is.

More real than Shemander Fur, which is what Bond's game of choice is. And he has the sense enough to cheat rather than just throwing his money away. But the way in which he's cheating is he has a fake hearing aid, and he has a girl in a bikini in one of the balconies of the hotel with a pair of binoculars reading his opponent's cards to him and bond just deduces this immediately yeah he just he just walks right to the door like he he finds a woman that he can grab which this will be a running theme for this oh boy i want i want to just set out but just right now like at the top of the gates, can either of you think of a single woman that Bond shares screen time with that he does not in some way manhandle?

Because there's only one. Is Moneypenny in this one? Money is, yep. She is. They have a little bit of the usual banter. I don't think he manhandles her. a little bit of the usual banter. I don't think he manhandles her. I will draw the correct one up when we get to it, because it plays into something else about the character of Bond. But he passes a woman and he just pulls the key. Oh, it's the old woman with the machine gun. He doesn't share a screen of her, actually, at any point. It's always cut back

and forth. But that's only a technicality, you got one. Okay, so Bond manhandles a maid, he just finds a maid, grabs the key off of her belt, and like, lets himself into Goldfinger's room. And then just sort of manhandles her back into place. And then, upon doing this sort of breaking and entering, he finds this girl in a bikini, reading out the cards. So what he does then is he just kind of like switches off the transmitter and then like pins her down in a really uncomfortable sort of way.

Yeah, he is a stranger standing between her and the only means of exit off this balcony. Yeah, but she's into it because it's Bond, right? Every woman is insanely horny for him all the time, with one notable exception, which we'll get to. Yeah. Jill Masterson

is what she tells him her name is. And they kind of like... Bond sabotages Goldfinger's cheating, and she quite enjoys this. But there's also a fucking gross, weird moment where Bond basically asks her, hey, are you like fucking this sort of grotesque podcaster-looking dude?

Because if you are, it would seriously lower my opinion of you as a guy who's just broken into your room. As someone who you have just met who is currently pinning you down. As I'm pinning you to a recliner. Spoiled goods. Yeah, here's the dialogue.

He pays me. Is that all he pays you for and for being seen with him just seen just seen I'm so glad virtue intact yeah virtue intact

and so he doesn't have to feel bad about having sex with her which he immediately does and I'm guessing we've got a new record on the pussy clock yeah well let me tell you i started a stopwatch as soon as jill masterson appears on screen because this this is something that we do here we we measure how long it takes for any woman character who appears on screen to have sex with bond because it's a good way of measuring the opinion of women,

of A, the character, and B, the writers. And Jill Masterson... Previous time to beat was 5 minutes and 40 seconds. Like, easily halves that. Jill Masterson, 2 minutes and 33 seconds. And then about that again, the horse is murdered. 2 minutes and 33 seconds. I reckon that's going to stand for a while. We are all collectively the guy from Spectre Island

reading Red Grant his time and being like, hmm, two minutes, 30 seconds. Impressive. Not bad, Jill. Pulling a rubber face mask off someone. We talked a little bit about fits earlier, but I can't let this go without mentioning that Bond's fit in this is legitimately very good.

It's like a towel material romper in like sky blue and i think it does kind of go a baby blue sort of shortcut dressing gown with a belt it's very james bond is dressed as my dad he's dressed as my actual father, just... just chillin'. Yeah. So, he and Jill fuck, and then, while he's being a cunt, once again, like, the champagne gets warm, and while he burbles into the other room, being like, Oh, Don Perignon, temperature is 38 degrees, he fucking gets clocked over the back of the head he is perked by the fat controller from Thomas the Tank Engine the shadow is there and it's perfectly

a large wide man in a hat perfectly judo chops him in the back of the neck knocking him unconscious he's in Goldfinger's room he's spending the night in a guy who he's just seriously pissed off's

room and is like this won't ever come back on me. I don't know why Goldfinger isn't straight up to the room to yell at him. But the shadow belongs to Oddjob who is played by a very lovely man named Harold Sakata. This was his first acting

job. He's an American Hawaiian of Japanese descent. Originally a gold, sorry, silver medal winning Olympic weightlifter then pro wrestler. And in this scene, he really did just hit Sean Connery that hard. He didn't pull the punch. He just fucking smacked him.

And Connery said for decades afterwards, he was like, I'm still injured from that. that hard he didn't pull the punch he just fucking smacked him we're gonna get every single decades afterwards he was like i'm still injured from that he literally just fucking smacked him i have more stories about harold cicada that we'll get to because he is every time he's on screen like he he's just so cool pretty much everything he does in this film he just really did it we'd like to sort of award and i don't want to spoil this too early, but I think we can say that we're going to award Harold Sakata this movie's fucking Kronstein rosette or whatever. Yeah, friend of the show, Harold Sakata, yeah.

Harold Sakata, you're welcome on it, Ty. For being the best character and actor in this movie. Absolutely. best character and actor in this movie absolutely um yeah so so bond wakes up from having been fully like chopped in the back of the neck by a professional wrestler to find to find jill masterson on the bed and fully covered in gold paint. This is check one for women that have died as a direct result of Bond's actions. Yeah, because he tries to cuck an extremely angry and powerful man for no real reason other than that, like, there was a woman there when he decided to break in. Sean Connery's reaction to this is is i think it's genuinely quite well acted like bond is disturbed by this and he he is angry at

goldfinger because he has failed bond has failed for the first time and a woman is dead yeah goldfinger is you know therefore very ruthless very cruel it's also quite frightening the way in which she's died by the way is skin suffocation supposedly yeah i i was interested in this but because as as a science teacher i've talked a little bit i've taught kids about skin before and the top four millimeters of skin gets its oxygen from the air not from inhalation so i thought there might be a grain of truth to that so i i looked it up i found a public publication in a dermatology journal by a miss helena jenkinson that confirms this uh is not real sorry i thought there might be something to it but it's it's not quite

do you want to know something as much much as it's become received wisdom that you can kill someone by painting all of their skin, and they can't breathe through their skin, they believed this when they were filming this. They had a doctor on set, Shirley Eason had like five minutes to do this in, and then immediately afterwards was, and I'm reading here, scrubbed down by the wardrobe mistress and the makeup girl, which sounds quite fun, and then thrown into a Turkish bath. Damn, need me some of that. this gold off so they they were seriously concerned that this thing that this thing that they made up was gonna actually kill the actress in this fictional uh this fictional prophecy that they were making um and that's just yeah just a testament to how scientific knowledge evolves over time and now we know that that is fully bunk and it's funny to look at but i guess then they were genuinely very very concerned and scared about it so yeah it does

look very cool though it does look good it does um she's just like draped over the bed fully like gold plated uh just very funny because are we meant to imagine that odd job has done this like who has actually gone down he's very careful whoever none on the sheets, he's very careful, whoever did it. Yeah! And like, if you've ever done eye makeup in your life, you'll know how difficult it is to get, like, into the waterline and stuff. He's done that with, like, gold? It's very impressive. Yeah. I wanna see an Oddjob makeup tutorial. Yeah, Kanji's a lovely mental image of Oddjob, just with a big paintbrush.

Sort of, having a good time with it. It's just Oddjob just airbrushing this woman! Doing fucking Bob Ross shit! You're doing a wet on wet. For him. Having a great time. If you are currently painting a woman while you're listening to this, do please remember to leave a a patch of bare skin at the base of the spine for like allegedly to let the skin breathe yeah which

which is uh and we bring us now to the scene where bond gets completely chewed out by m for fucking up for fucking up and for getting emotional about it for getting sentimental this isn't a personal vendetta 007 it's an assignment like any other but if you can't treat it as such coldly and objectively 008 can replace you and I mean this is interesting to me right because we're what

three movies in and we've already set up the one big plot line that they're going to keep coming back to for the other 21 of these, which is like one of the levers you can pull with Bond as a character is, oh, he gets too personally invested, right? And you'd think, oh, this is going to be interesting, right? He has some personal stakes stakes he has some sort of emotional attachment here um but he he's told not to do that so he just doesn't just yeah even if he had it would have no impact on the plot because bond has no impact on the plot at all for this entire film is very much just like there

yeah this film happens around bond yeah he's decanted out of M's office, past Moneypenny, to whom he is like, yeah, no, gold, like a wedding ring, because I should marry you. But not really, though, because you're attractive, but not that attractive. You don't want venereal diseases. Yeah. And is then decanted into a briefing by an extremely plummy man from the bank of england who explains the concept of arbitrage to him like it's a trash future segment um it's just like bond have you heard of gold bullion did you know that you can transport it and then you can buy and sell it for different

values at different places yeah there was milo in this scene doing the jerk vanderclark impression it was a very it's a perfectly tf scene guys like now if we could get back on track i'm talking about the gold here yeah and it's very funny right because this is still we're still in the world of the gold standard right the bank of england man says quite flatly yes this is this is what gives the dollar and the pound their value uh it actually isn't the pound was silver but whatever um and yeah so instead of this being something that like if you manipulate you're a successful currency trader, and the British government will bend over backwards for you.

This is a threat to the state. And so Bond is sent after Goldfinger to find out how he is smuggling gold in order to sell it profitably, and once again, big government overreach is stifling entrepreneurship. Bond is violating the non-aggression principle. Yeah, I mean, the Bank of England guy openly says, we would love to seize Goldfinger's gold, but you need to prove that he's doing criminal stuff first. So it's basically just like rich guys getting...

The stakes for this are very low, really. Well, until later. He also says this. Consumably, we are vitally concerned really. Well, until later. He also says this. Consumably, we are vitally concerned with unauthorised leakages. Now, he's talking about gold, but I am gonna keep using that drop for the rest of the podcast, in whatever movie we're talking about. There's even a point, to illustrate that a little bit further abby there's even a point where the guy the bank of england guy goes to say that goldfinger is doing this stuff illegally and then catches himself

because bond's like well how's he melting down this gold and and uh the bank of england guy goes well he's posing as and he stops stuff he goes well that's not fair he he is above board he does have the licenses to operate like a jewelry thing so i guess he's using that but i would like you to find out that he's doing i guess he's actually doing some legitimate business like exactly unfortunately he's doing this above board and we're mad as hell you need to go and find out some crimes yeah they're basically just trying to rob Goldfinger. Something else I wanted to bring, completely unbidden,

while I was watching this film with my girlfriend Eliane, she said, unbidden, halfway through the scene, all British people look like birds, just under her breath. And I'm like, I don't disagree. If you look at this scene, like everyone involved in it sort of has that kind of hawkish, almost vulture-like quality to them. It's Bernard Lee, Sean Connery, and like, one extremely posh man, they're all crammed into tuxedos.

You can see that. Also, in a classic Bank of England move, the Bank of England guy just fucking dumps an ingot of Nazi gold onto the table. And he's just like, yeah, I had this lying around. You'd like this back if you could. Don't ask why we have... We're the good guys, by the way. We have an ingot of Nazi gold, complete with the fucking Reichsadler stamped into it.

He's like, yeah, you can have this, we would like it back, though. Use this to bait Goldfinger. It's worth £5,000, which is, you know, millions now, I think. And the way in which Bond, like, sets up

this trap with this Nazi gold is to go golfing with Goldfinger. But first he goes to Q Branch and gets the Aston Martin DB5 we need to discuss Q Branch because that comes back this says a lot about

the lighter tone of this movie is that we have the Q Branch visual gags and these were always my favourite part of a Bond movie when I was a kid Bond goes into Q Branch to get his shit and what visual gags and these were always my favorite part of a bond movie when i was a kid of bond goes into q branch to get his shit and what like in on the way there he will walk past some zany antics in this case it's like a guy puts some uh puts a coin into a parking meter and it sets off

a smoke bomb there's a guy wearing like... Also the fact that they're all wearing this sort of 70's shop coats to do this is very funny. It's good. It's funny. Yeah. There's a guy like shrugging off like submachine gun fire because he's wearing armor underneath his shop

coat. And we meet Q again, and this time Q's a bit more developed than just like, here is your case to murder Red Grant with. Yeah, Desmond Llewellyn, the actor, had been instructed to try to inject a little bit of humour into the character now, so we've sort of... Which he does fantastically. Yeah, he's actually making jokes, he's like ripping on Bond, it's really good.

Yeah. It's a good movie, dammit. Yeah, it's a good movie! Fuck, it's a good movie!. Yeah, it's a good movie! I hate that it's a good movie. We gotta fucking... Yeah, so he introduces Bond to his

Aston Martin, which has sort of... It has tricks, it has toys, it has wing-mounted machine guns. You can press a button and it can do an oil slick, it can do smoke screens, it can like... Some wacky racers shit. Yeah, tear the tyres out of

a car next to it. All the while Bond is acting insanely bored while he's being shown this. He's so fucking bored, he's so done with this. He's like, oh, you're gonna give me an Aston Martin DB5 with an oil slick in it? It's boring! Whatever. I hate having a sexy gadget car.

I'm James Bond. Also, once again, the Bond franchise deploys foreshadowing in the form of, hey, this car's got an ejector seat in it. Pay attention, 007. If you press this button, you will advance the plot later on.

It's the classic sentence. He's like, here is the red button. Do not press the red button. E's ejecta seat you're joking i never joke about my work 007 and yeah no that's exactly you flip the top off of the gear shift and you press the thing and it ejects the passenger just the passenger just the passenger just the passenger just the passenger we envision you getting into a highly scripted situation we should have just like a large gong that we play when the foreshadowing plays off my brother had a little model of the DB5 from Goldfinger

when we were kids and you could press a little button on the side and the little man inside he would be ejected out the top. It was very cute. This is actually the first one we've had like the toy licensing for it like Corgi made the DB5 model for it at the time. Well it is kind of more kid well

it's supposed to be child friendly but I guess It is kind of more kid, well, it's supposed to be child friendly, but we'll get to that. It's more, I guess, let's say it's more whimsical. It's a lot more fun, yeah. We have to get back to interminable golfing scenes. Yes, no one will be seated during the exciting James Bond plays golf sequence. We aren't going to skip through this either.

Let's take some fucking time. Really disgusting. Yeah, let's take some fucking time. Really disgusting. Yeah, let's really get into... He's fitted as hell, yet again. Yeah, he's wearing, like, a sort of gold tweed ensemble, with like a gold Tyrolean hat and a gold waistcoat. He's literally wearing gold in every single scene that he's in. Just...

Yeah. Except for exactly one time. But in that scene, he has a golden gun. So it all counts. It all works out. In case you forget what Goldfinger's deal is, everything around him is gold. Shelley Baster would say,

he loves gold. He loves gold, as the lady said, as she took her bra off. His car is gold. He has this beautiful gold rolls royce odd job is not gold but odd job is there too and odd job is caddying for him odd job odd job's great man uh so goldfinger fucking cheats at golf because that's the other thing there are two things about goldfinger thing one he cheats at everything thing two gold um and he has to do

both at the same time here he lies about where his golf ball is and then bond tricks here i already lost interest also cheats at golf to make your bond out cheats him they make a wager with this like nazi gold bullion because Because Bond says, hey, I've got a whole bunch of gold. Isn't that your thing? Don't ask from why. But hey, let's play golf for this bar of gold. And Goldfinger cheats and Bond

cheats and Bond wins. And caddying for Bond this whole time is charming Welsh working class man who is there to go, ah, you got him, boss. Great stuff. Like four or five times during the scene. It's great. It's fun. But it is a lot. And at the end of this, like, Goldfinger,

he could have just taken the L and gone, oh, well, you know, whatever, I lost. But instead, he basically just, like, admits to being a criminal. He's just like, look, I know exactly who you are. You've tried to involve yourself in my affairs twice now, unsuccessfully. And he's like, look, I know exactly who you are. You've tried to involve yourself in my affairs twice now, unsuccessfully. And he's like, look, just fuck off.

Fuck off. Once again. I'm doing crimes. Fuck off. Bond gets made instantly. As we find out from Russia with Love, everybody knows who James Bond is. Everybody knows what he looks like. And despite the fact that M-

Because Old John has knocked out Bond previously in this movie, so the second he comes out of the door, Arjun's really like, oh yeah. M has said to his face not even half an hour before, hey, I can just get 008 to do this. You're not my only guy who does this shit,

you know. It seems like he is. Just imagining 008 always being like, why have you sent him out again? Why have you sent him out again? have you sent him out he's shit and so he is immediately identified for who and what he is by Goldfinger and Oddjob and Goldfinger

demonstrates as a feat of strength he has Oddjob throw his hat at one of the statues and the hat being steel rimmed this bowler hat just fully decapitates uh a statue this was real harold cicada he yeah he really had a steel brimmed hat and he practiced for five months the the statue isn't made of stone it's made of plaster but he really did just practice until he could knock the head off a statue with a steel-brimmed hat harold sakata doesn't understand what acting is but also that just makes him so much better as a character makes him so much more powerful he's absolutely

like a hundred percent method commitment and this this is like odd job every time odd jobs on screen we're all gonna go fucking odd job was great wasn't he and he's a classic villain for a reason is because he's compelling he's fun he doesn't say a word ever he's Korean which is he crushes the golf ball in his hand Bond tries to be suave and like give him the golf ball back and he's like oh you drop this

and he just like destroys it and Bond follows them in this Rolls Royce to Switzerland. Where we get, like, sort of a chase scene? Almost? Because... Bond legitimately shows restraint in this scene.

Which is something we should maybe put a flag in, because that's phenomenal for the character of Bond. First and only time we will never see this again bond bond is trying to like trail them unobtrusively at a distance in his one-of-a-kind bright silver sports car when a convertible mustang driven by a sexy lady overtakes him and like hooting and hollering the whole way um and tries to chase down uh and murder goldfinger um she she takes a shot at him with a sniper rifle which in fact is bond sniper rifle from from russia with love uh trivia and it hits near bond so bond assumes that she's

trying to kill him and in the employ of Goldfinger. But it's later revealed that, no, she's just a bad shot, was trying to kill Goldfinger. It would have been very funny if she'd hit Bond by accident and just ended up... Nothing else would have been different. It's just like, oh, everything has to be the same. Long for the ride for all of this. Actually, no, she may have later succeeded in killing him. But, no, the reason Bond shows restraint is because he senses pussy,

which is the other thing he is drawn to. So he chases her instead and sabotages her car for no reason. Yeah, he just destroys both of the wheels on one side of her car and then acts like, huh, what a weird, rare tire defect. Do you want to get into my car? A thing that was last practiced by Ted Bundy. Oh, God, you're right. And Tilly is not having a fucking any of it.

No, he tries to turn on the charm and he's like, well, I say, and she's just like, no, fuck off. He's like, I've seen the other two movies. Fuck you. She's like, yeah, can you take me to a garage now and he's like uh you know my name's uh bond and she's like yeah yeah and now it slams door yeah fuck off she leans out of the screen and is like dev dev you're not gonna need that watch mate fucking stop that stopwatch right now, pal. It's not happening. Like, alright. Which is cool. I respect the hell out of it. Yeah.

Great. So Bond follows the golden Rolls Royce, after this little interlude, to Auric Enterprises AC, which is a factory, a very nice sort of brutalist factory set into like Swiss meadows. And he's like, yeah, this is going to be some evil, some mastermind shit, so I'm gonna get into my sneaking clothes. He's tipped off by the fact that everyone working there is Chinese, so he's

like, ah, well, so there must be a... Which is something the fuck else, right? I'm gonna talk about this, right? Go off, Queen. If we're talking about this now, the only real power that Goldfinger has is like, employs Asian people. Something which only he can do. I was just like, this is just another instance, just like Dr. No, of a bad guy who is not nominally connected to the East. Well, he is a little, we'll get into that later. But later on, he is revealed to be working for them.

Somehow, his entire array of henchmen are just Asian for some fucking reason. Goldfinger is Dutch. How did they fucking manage to be a racist villain? I just staffed my factory in the Swississ alps entirely with i think korean guys but they're all wearing like ah okay and they're all wearing like chongsan too which is not they're all dressed up asian as well like in the massive yeah they're dressed he's like we only only employ Asian guys. When they evacuated Dr. No's irradiated room,

they needed somewhere to go. I used to guess that it's the same henchman every time. I am. Just squeezed into a slightly different preposterous henchman uniform. Just the same guy being like, fuck, how does this keep happening? Fuck, is that James Bond again? Is that him again? Fucking hell.

Why don't we ever get fucking 008? And then there's the new guy who's like, this is really bad. And they're like, you should have seen the last one. We had to work in that room with the radiation. Fucking hell. You think a smelting factory's bad? It's just gold in here. We're fine.

Gold is a fucking radioactive. We're all good. To be honest, I'm glad nobody's firing live rounds at us on Spectre Island anymore. That was a real bad shit, you know? I love the idea that it's the same henchman every time.

Like, this time we'll get him, boys. They're all fucking quitting at the end of this movie and they're like, well, I've heard of this business opportunity from a guy called Emilio Largo. I think he could be cool. Let's try that out. I almost wanted to work on a yacht. They actually get their job from an app.

They get their jobs from an app. It's called, like, Hench, and you're an independent contractor. Henchman, and're an independent contractor. Henchman. Henchman with no E. It's just H-N-C-H. Yeah. H-N-C-H-M-N. And it's just like, yeah, fuck.

I got my... I replaced my entire unionized Asian workforce with just guys. Guys from Hench. And the thing is, they don't count as employees either. So it's like, it's great for the bottom line. Yeah, they're private contractors. Oh my god.

So Bond changes into his sneaking outfit, which is just like a black turtleneck, and he pokes around, and what he discovers is that these hench guys are operating a gold smelter. And what they're doing is, Goldfinger has quite an ingenious plan, if you don't think about it for too long, where the panels, the gold panels of his Rolls Royce are like actual gold. And every time he drives it from one place to another another they just melt it down and they recast it and that way he can like arbitrate this gold a thing you can now do from a bloomberg terminal uh without like the government stopping you even though he's doing this more or less legally and the best that he even like says outright that that's like about two tons of gold

i think he says like two thousand pounds and he specifically is using like the weight pounds and it's like do you not think people might notice when your car weighs two fucking tons of additional weight that they might be like hang on i don't think this is a regulation rolls royce Hang on. I don't think this is a regulation Rolls Royce. There's also a separate kind of Asian stereotype here, because there's a guy called Dr. Ling wearing a Mao suit. And he's here from the People's Republic of China to talk to Goldfinger about something called Operation Grand Slam. And this is the last and only time Bond will ever

do some espionage in this movie, is he just overhears the words Operation Grand Slam. Goldfinger's planning on taking his entire base of henchmen out to Denny's for lunch. Better remember the words Operation

Grand Slam but then Tilly Masterson who turns out to be the sister of Skin Suffocators woman tries to take a shot at Goldfinger with a sniper rifle

Bond stops her this sets off the alarm the alarm is set off because of Bond. Yeah. Because Bond tries to stop her. He knocks her rifle barrel into a tripwire, which instantly sets off a, like, directional alarm, which rules. All the hench guys are like, ohhhh shit, here we go again.

Oh fuck, we have to do something. It's fucking James Bond again, lads! This is a part of the movie I liked, right, is if From Russia With Love invented the fight scene, this is where they invent the car chase scene. Even down to what I like to think of as the henchman car, right? Which is inevitably a black, usually Mercedes saloon, with the yellow headlights for some reason. And that will then get piled full of henchmen who will drive after Bond, leaning out of the window, shooting at him.

It rules. This is the first movie where they do that. And it's shot very well like you get a sense of speed and stuff and bond gets to use an additional caveat to the classic henchman car chase is that the car full of henchmen must explode yes the lightest fucking environmental because that's what happens right bond bond gets to to use the gadgets, right? He gets to use the oil slick, he gets to use the smoke screen. When he uses the oil

slick, one of these hench cars goes over a cliff that was not there in any establishing shot, and the second it leaves the road, still upright, fully intact, and driving. Not even touching the ground! It's just, it fucking, it crests the hill,

it enters midair, and then explodes. Yeah, because a guy was just, like, working on his, like, Tannerite hobby in the backseat or something. So good. The thing is, when you get your henchman gigs on Hench, you're only actually paid and insured during the time that you're chasing James Bond.

So the moment they left the road they lost all their insurance which is great for Goldfinger because it really cuts out the bottom line so Bond gets captured in the course of him getting captured Tilly gets murked

she gets killed with a hat odd job sir and Bond is like he really killed a woman as well she really died Harold Takata legitimately murdered a woman Harold Takata, literal murderer he's been trained for five months

to decapitate this woman the second tick of a woman that has died in this movie as a direct consequence of Bond's action. And it was the sister of the last woman. He feels bad. So he's just wiped out that family life.

He feels bad for a minute and then just does not feel bad anymore. And we get to the classic scene. You know, the scene. The scene where Bond wakes up and he's strapped to a table. That's not quite there yet. Sorry. There's a bit more car. Because they go to take him back,

but instead of having someone drive on there, a henchman gets into the passenger seat of Bond's car. And they drive back. They go through a checkpoint manned by an elderly swiss woman just a lovely looking lass they let him through and then bond executes like gong here here's the foreshadowing he presses the button the henchman shoots out of his car and like the shot is is fucking hilarious because it's just three feet in air. It's just a dummy who just goes, out of his sight.

A dummy being launched three feet out of the roof of a car. Yeah. And Bond... And then this, like, does not avail him at all. Yeah, he tries to drive out. He turns around to attempt to leave via the same way he came in, the old lady at the checkpoint.

And she fucking pulls out, like, a fucking submachine gun, and just lays into him. So he turns around again, and he drives through. And then eventually crashes into a wall. He gets wildly coyoted, right, because he crashes into a wall because of a mirror, that I guess it's implied that Oddjob has put up. So he sees his own headlights in the mirror,

swerves to avoid them, and crashes into a wall, knocking himself unconscious. I prefer the idea that James Bond is just like a dog with paint on its forehead and doesn't understand his reflection. He's so unused to reflecting on his own actions that he literally can't tell his own reflection. He's so unused to reflecting on his own actions that he literally can't tell his own reflection.

He thinks that's someone else. And what's lovely is he's in the rubble now. Oddjob pulls up, gets out of the car, walks up, looks directly at himself in the mirror, just smiles for a little bit, and then cracks on with what he was doing. Nobody does the smile like Oddjob. Oddjob looks so shocked. Hans Carter really smiled. Nobody does the smile like Oddjob. Oddjob looks so chuffed.

Hans Carter really smiled. He practiced for five months to smile. Just about figured it out. Oddjob just looks so chuffed every time he's on screen. And there's no other word you can use to describe it. Yeah, he loves his job. He loves doing it. He's not pleased.

He's not, like, he's just chuffed. He's just having a great time with it. He's having a nice time. He's enjoying himself. Yeah. He enjoys fucking with Bond. Now we get's just like, he's having a nice time. He's enjoying himself. Yeah. He enjoys fucking with Bond. Now we get to the scene.

We get to the fucking scene. Mm-hmm. The fucking, you know what it is. Do you expect me to talk? No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! Fucking get his ass, Rx. It rules. He's wearing a gold tuxedo at this point.

Yeah. He's wearing a gold tuxedo at this point. He has Bond tied to a sheet of metal, and he tries to use a laser to zoop up and bisect Bond via the dick first. Absolutely. He's gonna give Bond free laser hair removal, which is generous, because it's very expensive, but it's also very painful. Yeah, but he doesn't give him the goggles, though, so it's really negligent. I don't know. Bond pulls his only card in this situation, which is... I have heard some

three words earlier, by accident. Operation Grand Slam. I know you've just said that you want to murder me and you're like the point of this exercise is that you murder me and i i'm not alive anymore but have you considered operation grand slam it's like he uses it like a safe word right because the second he says it goldfinger's like well hold on here okay so wait, you know that we're going to Denny's later? What? Goldfinger's like, he takes his time.

He chats to the scientist for a second. Then he turns around. He's like, look, those are just three words. You could have overheard those. They can't possibly mean anything to you or anyone from your organization. And Bond goes, well, can you take that chance? Being like, please do not take that chance again thinks for a bit and goes yeah all right all right why don't you just ask him to explain what operation grand

slam is oh my god you're so right he just needs to be like yeah what is that to check whether he knows what it is, why don't you just ask him? What is Operation Grand Slam, Keith? Explain Operation Grand Slam to me, motherfucker. Go on, speak on it, motherfucker. See what you got. You're going to go to Denny's. And he's like, what is it wrong? Shh.

Yeah, no. So he's like, all right, fine, you can live. Shit, Alice, you're so right you've ruined that scene for me a guy walks up to bond he's already committed to murdering him right like that's what the point of that i expect you to die thing delivered with this amazing sort of affable nature is yeah and he just fucking forgets it he literally on his way out he's just like look the nature of our last two meetings is now clear to me. I do not expect to be troubled by a third.

Good day, Mr. Bond. And he leaves and Bond's like, do you want me to talk? He's like, no, bud. There's nothing you could fucking say that I don't know. No, this is a murder. I'm sorry, did you mistake the nature of this interaction that we're having? This is not an interrogation. Because it's me murdering you.

You're dying today but he doesn't he gets knocked out and if he had just followed through with that then he would have like I guess actually all the same stuff would have happened because again Bond is just not

has an negligible impact on this movie he's just watching other people do the plot yeah he does roofie Bond though a guy just shoots him with a tranquilizer a negligible impact on this movie. It's just watching other people do the plot. He does roofie Bond, though. A guy just shoots him with a tranquilizer pistol, which is very funny. And Bond wakes up on a plane to meet on a black man.

And, I mean... My name is Pussy Galore. I must be dreaming. And I'll point out, the original shooting script of that line was, she says, I'm Pussy Galore, and he says, I know you are, but what's your name? And that was too suggestive, so they cut that and replaced it with this. So good. Anna Blackman fucking loved saying her

character's name like in all of the pussy galore all of the interviews she did to drum up like uh hype for the movie there's definitely a name for those um she's just like yeah my my character pussy galore and the interviews are like yeah uh-huh yep i, I know. There's a press photo of her on one of these pre-release tours in Malta where she's just on the beach in a bikini and she's written pussy in the sand. She fucking loves it. No one has had as much fun

with the name Pussy Galore as Anna Blackman. Oh, but when I dress up in a bikini and go to the beach and do that, suddenly it's a headline in the Times. It's pussy with a question mark, just like, anyone? Yeah, just like, this says a lot about our society.

And she introduces herself as, well, again, like, this is the thing, right? Everybody in this movie gets two character traits only, if they're lucky. So Goldfinger gets, he likes gold and he likes cheating. Pussy Galore

gets I'm a pilot and I'm a lesbian. And she just fully launches into both of those. Like, Bond tries to fuck her and her exact words are, you can turn off the charm, I'm immune.

I think in the books it's actually more explicit that she's a lesbian, but it's certainly very heavily implied. So it's interesting that in the time we've gone from Russia with Love to this, we've changed our attitudes about lesbianism quite quickly. Because in the last movie, there's women having sex with other women

and it's not gross. Yeah. Pay attention, 007. Now, this is a lesbian. This is coming out of Europe, 007. Women who want to fuck other women. You've heard about this. Q is like, Bond, this is a standard field issue lesbian.

It's like, Q, I'm familiar with this device. It's a lesbian. It's sinister. No, Bond. Concealed within this lesbian is actually something that turns men on. There's actually a smoke canister inside of his lesbian. Because unlike Rosa Klebb,

she's attractive. She's young. She's blonde. She's got tits contained in a bullet bra instead of a KGB uniform. And so therefore, she's an objective male attraction this is now what

in the book in the book Goldfinger Bond describes this as the lesbian's challenge to men that's horrendous it's an extra difficulty level to your seduction

if a woman is a lesbian no yeah I mean it's a very tough check to pull off absolutely I would say impossible personally I don't know also again Bond meets a woman Bond meets a woman in Goldfinger's

Employ and immediately sets about double checking to make sure she hasn't had sex with him he also pulls a similar line on her and she's like no I'm his pilot and he's like ah good good good ah sexy pilot and she's like no I fly him because I'm a lesbian

no I'm just good at flying planes and he's like sexually? and she's like no no. You're not getting this. You're not understanding. Just normal planes. Just normal planes. And here is where we also meet the only female character that Bond shares a screen with and doesn't sexually assault

or grab or touch or even come onto in any way. It's Mei Li. It's the one woman of color that bond is on screen not a white woman in yellow face she is in fact an asian woman an asian woman is played by an asian woman and as such bond will not try and have sex with her bond is not um she is also dressed in a chong sam yeah yeah because because yeah his his henchmen are as, and they have to be Asian in full caps, because this was produced in the 60s. Listen, every time we get into the sort of regressive mores of this movie,

I will just read a bit from the novel Goldfinger, which is, it's real racist, man. it's real racist man bond the the bond describes koreans as lower than apes oh no come on man dude ian fleming rest in piss also ian fleming died just before this movie came out and i'm gonna libel his corpse multiple times during this piece of shit, racist, it's good he's dead anyway we can cut that the whole thing of the

novel Goldfinger, which is not worth your time, is this kind of like, Bond idly does race science in his own head like, so for instance, Goldfinger, there's an extended bit where he speculates as to Goldfinger's

ethnicity, and eventually decides that he's like, Baltic. What does that mean? Go ahead, Tarek. I don't know, man. There's this passage, right? Everything was out of proportion. Goldfinger was short, not more than five feet tall, and on top of the thick body and blunt, peasant legs, was set almost directly into the shoulders, a huge and it seemed almost exactly round head.

It was as if Goldfinger had been put together with bits of other people's bodies. How are you being racist to a Dutch man?! How are you managing that?! This shouldn't be possible! He practically invented racism! He also named the character after the architect, Erno Goldfinger. Actually, I think the architect pronounced his name Goldfinger. Actually, I think the architect pronounced his name Goldfinger, but either way, too modernist to a Hungarian, and possibly also too Jewish, Friin Fleming, so he just named the character after him, and the architect, Erno Goldfinger, sued. Oh! That's right. Yeah, and soming fleming ended up settling or his publishers did

but not before he had threatened to rename the character to gold prick just just a piece of shit what a nice man what a nice man just a horrid fella um anyway the plot so so bond at this point we didn't mention but he has a tracking beacon that he can put in the base of his shoe. And he goes to do this in the bathroom of the plane. But there are two peepholes. Not one. He covers up the first with his coat. And then he's like, and Melee just immediately moves across

to the second peephole that she has. And at that point, I was like, one more. One more. Let's go. Rule of three. Comedy. There is, unfortunately, not a second peephole that she has, and at that point I was like, one more! One more, let's go! Rule of three! Comedy! And there is unfortunately not a third peephole. Yeah, they don't give it to you, but I do appreciate that they took a lot

of the sort of race science from the novel and replaced that with whimsy. There's this kind of whimsical soundtrack as she's peeping through on him. So, yeah, you know, points There's this kind of whimsical soundtrack as she's peeping through on him. Yeah. So, yeah, you know, points for that, I guess. No.

Yeah, no, no. And then they pull up. Anyway, at this point, we arrive in Kentucky. Yeah, because you thought... And five American blondes in jumpsuits appear. And then I realized I was watching the wrong film and I tabbed back into Goldfinger. What is the name of those five American blondes in jumpsuits appear and then I realised I was watching the wrong film and I tabbed back into Goldfinger. What is the name of those five American blondes? Can someone... Yeah...

Okay, so we... Lesbians. It's Pussy Galore's Flying Circus, baby. Pussy Galore's Flying Circus. There's a fucking banner. Once again, I will refer you to the book. Do you want to know what they refer you to the book. Do you want to know what they're called in the book?

How many times will we have to beep this? Oh fuck. Oh my god. Oh, you. Gotta be joking. The reason! I don't even get that! The reason...

It's like fucking calling them the Bricks. And the reason why Pussy Galore explains to Bond that the reason why she is a lesbian is that she was sexually assaulted as a child by her uncle, and this had put her off men. I'm pretty certain that that's not how that works. Oh no. But it's what Ian Fleming wrote. That just makes what happens later all the more oh yeah it only gets worse i thought it was bad just watching this movie but with this additional context i oh no oh dear i'm so i'm so glad i'm the only one here

who's read the book because it will yeah it'll ruin a lot of things um huh well yeah you thought that fucking laser room was his secret base his secret base is a stud farm in kentucky yeah cool yeah cool place he's just riding around having fun as well like and just to celebrate being in kentucky i'm just gonna open this whiskey bottle for a second here hell Hell yeah. Kentucky, which has a lot of palm trees in the shots, for some reason. It's almost as if they didn't want to move outside of Miami to film a lot of stuff. Anyway. Bond gets thrown in a cell, which he immediately escapes from, with the simple expedient of ducking under the cell window confusing the guard which causes

him to like enter the cell and then Bond jumps him it's exactly as dumb as it sounds meanwhile Goldfinger is giving a briefing about his plan Operation Grand Slam and this would have been

this would have been a perfect time to reveal that he was working for Spectre, who we built up as the bad guys over the last two films. But he can't be working for Spectre because his plan is actually good and works. He's an actual competent villain. And as we've seen,

that's not how Spectre does things. So instead, it's just like the mob. Dev, who's he explaining it to? Here is where we meet my favourite characters in a Bond film that I've ever seen the stimulus response mafia guys

the fucking NPC Americans I believe I provided you with a drop for this to explain explain hey cover those doors turn those lights back on what are you trying to pull goldfinger

there is no cause for alarm gentlemen why are you being cooped up like this what's that map doing there hey what's going on what is it Why are you being cooped up like this? What's that map doing there? Hey, what's going on? Hey, what is it? It's on the form, I think! What is this?

A very long run! So these are just... Have you heard of the High Elves? These are just some fucking New York gangsters that Goldfinger has assembled his plan by working with. Each and every one he's promised a million in gold bullion to.'s collected them all up they've all brought one separate bit one of them's brought like a well we'll get into it i suppose but each and every one of these guys is just in a room together i'm here i'm here to do business somebody somebody from the east side did the catering. And Goldfinger walks in. Goldfinger, yeah.

Goldfinger walks in. He begins to explain his plan by merit of pressing a button on his pool table that turns into a little control panel. And the New York guys go, hey, Mr. Goldfinger, what's going on with that pool table? And then he presses a button, the lights turn off, and the guy's like, hey, who turned out the lights? And then a map comes up and they're like, what's that map doing over there, Mr. Goldfinger? It's so fucking good.

Every single one of them has the NPC face meme. They're all just, like, seeing things happen and being like, hey, this is crazy, what's going on over here? Oh, it's so good. Oh, it's... I love these guys. Bond explained... Oh, fuck. Goldfinger explains the plan to them, and the plan is, he's gonna knock everybody in Fort Knox, the US gold bullion depository, unconscious, by spraying gas over them, by means of pussyglores flying lesbians. Delta-9 nerve agent and then yeah delta 9 nerve agent

and then while they're sleeping peacefully he's gonna ride in truck the gold out everybody gets paid it's just it's a robbery right meanwhile gold um sorry bond is overhearing this because he snuck to underneath this building this this room that they're explaining it in, and he's poking his head up through the model of Fort Knox that Goldfinger has on the floor to explain it a little bit. It zooms in, he's got his eyes there. It's nice, it's fun. And he's writing down

like, oh, jeez. This movie is so fucking whimsical. Yeah, he writes down Fort Knox Delta 9, and he puts his tracking beacon with it, slips into his pocket and then immediately gets discovered by pussy galore yeah he literally pulls his feet out from under him he's like whoa okay you you know judo and she's like yes because i'm a lesbian and it's a fascinating example of like the synonyms and the like euphemisms for lesbian in 1964

she says she's the outdoor type which i'm gonna start calling myself um yeah so she she takes him to meet goldfinger and goldfinger is just showing out one of the mafia guys who who brought quote unquote machine parts over with him um and he's gone like no no i'd actually like to just get my money now and leave please and goldfinger's like oh okay no worries you come with me everyone else will take you to your your murder appointment literally just like you just say and i have a regular appointment he's like oh i'll oh yeah all of you wait we're just gonna go take care of mr like whatever the fuck his name is johnny yeah i'm just gonna go take care of Mr. like whatever the fuck his name is Johnny Calzone yeah I'm just gonna go and kill this guy

yeah fucking Johnny Calzone is just like I don't wanna be part of this Mr. Goldfinger I'd like just to get my money and leave now please and he's like alright come on then we're gonna take care of you and on his way out he meets Bond who slips that little note and his tracking beacon into the car that Johnny

Calzone's being taken away in and he's being taken away which is pointless because we then see Oddjob we then see Oddjob kill him and the car gets crushed so that never affects the plot at all the car gets crushed into a cube he takes him away, he shoots him twice

he puts the car into a crusher, crushes it, and then the car is put onto the back of a separate car and driven back to the ranch. And just for a second, just during the scene, for a little brief moment, our job is white because I guess they just didn't have Harold Sakala there. They just put a white guy in a top hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can link you the thing. They do the same thing. I linked this edit. They do the same thing with Bruce Speller in the first one. Can we feel like a white odd job? I'm feeling like a white odd job right now. That's so good.

Yeah, so Felix Leiter and his other CIA buddy. You know, Harold Sarkar actually practiced for five months to do that shot. He practiced for so long to become white for that one shot. Yeah, Harold Takata actually shot a man as well. It was crazy. Yeah.

He crushed a guy in a car compactor. Yeah, they crushed this guy in a car compactor. He used Delta-9 to gas all the mafia guys. Yeah. Which makes it pointless for him to have explained the Mafia guys. Yeah, and it just kills them. Which makes it pointless for him to have explained the plan. Why not just kill them straight away?

He brought all these guys in. He has an answer, because he talks to Bond, right? He explains the plan to Bond, and he has Bond deduce it himself. And what Bond deduces is, you're not going to take the gold, because the gold weighs like fucking 12,000 tons. It'll take you weeks. What you're going to do is you're going to detonate a dirty bomb and irradiate the government's gold. And then they won't be able to use it, and yours will be worth more. It's quite a nice scene, actually, because Goldfinger is there just sort of egging him on to make the next project.

Yeah, he's having a great time! He's proud! He's proud! He's fucking smart, yeah. And there's a point! It's a cool point! He gives you an answer, Abi, which is like, Bond says, I enjoyed your briefing very much, and Goldfinger says, yeah, so did I.

Like, he was just doing it to have fun! He was just enjoying himself! Yeah, what a guy! He got to monologue! He got to fucking spin a pool table upside down, and then like, do a bunch of shit, and like move a bunch of dials. Hey, Mr. Goldfinger, you're gassing me over here!

What's going on? Hey, yo, I'm dead already! What's the deal with that? Which also brings pretty strongly into question, why did they fucking put this guy in a car, take it, shoot him, crush it, and drive it back? You're gonna kill him anyway!

Well they just... GASP the other guys! Like, it's like, they're not getting rid of the body, you have 30 more bodies! And it's a massive inconvenience because Goldfinger pays him in gold ingots, which he then... And now they have to get the gold out of the car! Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has to fucking mechanically separate them out of this cube.

And it's like, sure, man. Why? He's just doing it for the flex. Goldfinger does, like, a lot of his plans simply for the vibes. And also, I want to pull a sentence up here that he asks Bond during this exchange, which made me as angry as the red wine and fish that Grant pulled in the last episode. He's drinking a mint julep. One is for Bond.

He says, the julep tart enough for you. Which, this is a fuck up. On par with the red wine, right? Mint juleps have no citrus in. It simply would not be tart, right? It's like if I handed you a fucking orange juice and was like oh is that spicy enough for you like it's sim it's a flavor profile that bond just would not be experiencing in that fucking moment and it's like what are you saying dog fuck you uh but we gotta we gotta take a jarring shift in tone

oh yeah yeah we've been putting it off but i've had we've been putting it on let's talk about the scene capital t capital s oh well here's here's your content warning for uh just flat out sexual assault right yeah is but bond takes pussy galore into a hayloft, and they do judo throws on each other, while she's like, I'm a lesbian, and I'm not at all interested in having sex with you because I'm a lesbian. She explicitly says no twice. Yes.

Yeah, and Bond out-judos her, pins her down, and, well, I mean, it's heavily implied, what it's shown is like forced kissing it's heavily implied that it's just a rape and when we say forced like she is like resisting him with her legs which yeah pries apart like it's it's fucking harrowing legitimately yeah it's it is traumatic but like of course uh after like a few seconds of this she's suddenly into it which is a real thing

that happens I guess I think that's like generously reading into the scene and the performance the music, the soundtrack certainly implies that she's into it and it's romantic but it is like a rape scene and I think a cleverer

film could have done something with this. And, you know, because now two women are dead as a result of Bond and a third has been raped. And like at the end of the film, you could have done something with this. You could have had a moment where Bond like faces himself a little bit. But of course we don't have that. No, of course not. No, we don't have that.

We have something even worse. Bond doesn't even really do that now in the movies where he pretends to do that. Yeah. Ever since they invented the sidestep for that in GoldenEye where you just tell him he's a bad guy and he shrugs it off, they've been able to sort of square that circle. But they didn't have to do that at this point because

you know that the the audience watching this in 1964 doesn't see anything wrong with this at least the male audience yeah certainly because at that point like lesbians as they were a concept were not like accepted societally they were they were seen as something that is strictly for the male gays it's it's also not only a rape it also not only a rape, it's a corrective rape. And it's a corrective rape that is shown to work because Pussy Galore stops being gay and also stops being evil, the two things that are linked together.

There's a reveal later, which I suppose we can talk about now just because it's prevalent to talk about, but she just, she swaps sides just because it's prevalent to talk about but she just she swaps sides and it's she calls the CIA asks Bond why did Pussy Galore suddenly swap sides and Bond I don't know if you have the drop you can cut me if you do I don't

Bond says something like oh I must have appealed to her maternal instincts which was such a fucking disgusting line that even though it was like 10 minutes until the end of the movie I still paused it and just walked around my house for like four or five minutes because it's it's not only as you said not only is it right not only is a corrective rape but it is a it is a functional corrective rape it's shown within the movie to have worked and that is the one thing that is unforgivable for this movie.

For all the fucking gold fingers being quite fun, for all the fucking odd job being a fun character and fun to watch, this movie specifically says within the plot, within the fiction, that corrective rape works and is good and saves the day to do. And it is disgusting. And how many young men watch this and like on an imitative basis right like if you want a material harm here then it's not just something that's reflecting and perpetuating a sort of grotesque attitude of its time it's a fully an endorsement of it absolutely it's very it's very sad it's very sad and it's it's this is gonna feel jarring for us to go back to

talking about things that we laugh about but we needed to have this section where we said just explicitly that this is horrendous and it is it's a cognitive dissonance ass movie right because you just run straight into this and then the rest of it is it's back to being camp it's back to being camp it's back to being larger than life it's back to being out for it's back to being goldfinger just having a nice time being ridiculous and dressing like a podcaster um and then just dropped in the middle of it, like a lead weight. He dresses in an army uniform, so specifically the podcaster he's dressing as is you. Yes.

Oh, maybe that's why you enjoy this movie so much. But yeah. If you want to get really annoying about it, and I do, he's wearing the trousers and the shoulder stripes of a general, even though he's only got the insignia of a full colonel. Breaks my immersion. Zero out of ten. Shit here, movie.

Fuck this movie. Stop the recording. Let's go. I'm done. Yeah. Anyway. So they execute the plan. The plan steps off.

You don't know that, like, Pussy Galore has turned good because of the rape. So, like, what you see is her sort of army of lipstick lesbians spraying Fort Knox with gas. And all of the troops there just falling down dead. There are 41,000 troops stationed at Fort Knox. And, oh my god, do they make sure to show us fucking all of them collapsing it's such an extended scene shot after shot after shot and it's the same guys because

they didn't have that many troops but they had enough to make it look like one crowded scene so we just went it's very funny the way Goldfinger justifies that by the way because Bond is like yeah you're gonna gas tens of thousands of people to do this and goldfinger's like uh drivers killed that many in like two

years in america which is a line that they tried to cut because one of the principal sponsors of this movie was chrysler so like you tried to be like could you take out the line about motorists killing 60 000 people in every two years please i i uh a someone on our patreon who i do not quite remember the name of right now and i do apologize um mentioned that there is a website you can go to that talks about all of the different things that were cut from each bond film it's just a list of things and i will talk about it in every bond film um on the last one there were a lot more which is a shame we didn't get to that but on this one that's pretty much the only major one is that the chrysler company was like could you could you not mention the road accidents please could you

just go back to the corrective right come on we all the race science? Come on, we don't want anything that's bad for the class. But I mean, that just wasn't adapted. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. So, Bond then gets moved in with the fucking task force that are dressed up as US soldiers, but like, only half of them. The other half are just in henchman gear I guess for the vibes and the plan is right they're gonna handcuff Bond to this bomb I don't know why

they're gonna do that I guess it's gonna kill him right fine but why does he need to like Goldfinger is even he comes up to Bond who is handcuffed to an atomic bomb, and is like,

Mr. Bond, for once you're exactly where I want you. Well, why? Why does he have to be in the... Because Goldfinger loves it. Because he loves this shit. Even in the laser scene, he's clearly... He's clearly just enjoying it in the laser scene. He's just like, because it gets me off,

I just like it. It's just funny. He is a great fucking villain he is um this is something that that this movie does really well which is to have introduced the villains so early it's just such it's nice to have such a long time to get to know them because dr no and from russia with love suffered from this they had an interesting villain but with very little screen time and the things i complained about conversation with the things i complained about with red grant was that he was constantly doing menacing shit off screen and it feels like they took that with odd job and they were like okay he's gonna do it all on screen and it's and it works perfectly it's really good um yeah so so they put him in they put him into fort knox's uh gold

depository they put him on the elevator fantastic ken adam set by the way they had no idea what it looked like because they weren't allowed to film inside so they just made this massive like gold cathedral looking thing it's so good there's like yeah yeah it's not it's not based on anything, Ken Adam just fucking made it up based on what he thought would look cool and it does but then at that moment as it's being lowered and the nuke has been turned on

suddenly all the guys that were shown to have been knocked out they wake back up again, they're not dead why the fuck would you do that after they had armed the bomb and after they were in the bullying thing? Yeah, it's almost shown that that's what triggers them to stand up because one of them has like a

sensor of some description which starts beeping as soon as they turn the key on the bomb. Geiger counter. Which is weird because that isn't how that would work. But still, it's a movie anyway. And they all wake up and they start to assault Goldfinger's guys um and and they say something like like uh minimal force until we've secured the bomb cut the bit where i don't know what i'm talking about minimal force until we've

secured the bomb and like later on there's just a shitload of explosions happening as well seconds later gunfight yeah yeah gunfight there's fucking someone has a of explosions happening as well. Two seconds later, gunfight. Yeah. Gunfight, there's fucking bombs going off. Someone has a grenade as well at one point. Where is the... is this minimal? Goldfinger gets to play a round of Team Fortress 2 as the spy here, because what he does is he pulls off his jacket to reveal a US Army Colonel's uniform. And he like, misdirects the Americans into like, charging at the door. He

locks Bond, Oddjob, and one of his henchmen in the vault, and then he just fucking sprays the Americans in the back with a submachine gun and leaves. He also has a gold revolver. He's just him. He just fucking bails.

He just fucking bed. He just fucking bailed. He's like, I'm out of here. And inside the thing, like, the henchman

that's locked in there is going like, oh, fuck. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Well, we should stop the bomb. We're going to get

blown up. And he tries to, but Oddjob stops him and just throws him off the railing to his death because Oddjob is willing to die

for this plan. Oddjob is just secure that he wouldn't die which is because he's immune to radiation yeah bond bond is just as bond is like handcuffed to this like giant like fucking trolley shaped nuclear bomb with a bunch of uh actually rather fetching 1950s french handcuffs they're called a la pege if you're curious anyway but the the guy that odd job throws off the railing is the one who had the keys in his front pocket so bond's like ah keys and he starts to make his way towards it odd job realizes what's he what he's done he runs down staircase. And as he gets there, Bond hasn't released himself. So we get

a fight scene. That's right. And this absolutely was an imminent health and safety threat to both dudes. Sean Connery got badly injured, again, by Harold

Zuccarza doing this, because Harold Zuccarza, despite being a professional wrestler, I guess never learned not to hit people for real. Harold Sakata is the one wrestler who thinks wrestling is real. He's just fucking going for it every day. It's so good.

And Oddjob also, sorry, Harold Sakata also got quite badly burned during the filming of this. He did, he did. But he kept going. He didn't break character. He did. He did. But he kept going. He didn't break character. He didn't break character. He didn't let go of the hat until the director called cut

because he's a fucking legend. Because he's a pro. There's this great bit where Sean Connery throws gold bullion. Yeah, yeah. And it just bonks off. Connery just bounces off. He's like you, Dev. He's just like completely invincible.

There's a reason I chose him to be the guy he loves it time yeah just smiling he's having a good time he's and which led me to believe that the reason our job was fine being in the room with the nuke is because he simply wouldn't die if it went off because he's just like he's just untouchable there's a bit where bond like pins him against a concrete pillar and like tries to break his arm by like leaving it against the corner of this pillar and our job just like looks at him very bemusedly for a moment before he just frees himself from it in one yeah and then punches him in the middle of the spine which as we have established is a full force punch just properly punched Sean Connery.

Sean Connery. Sean Connery, a man who loves to punch but hates when he gets punched. Strange that. But the fight is phenomenal. Oddjob throws his hat a couple of times. He hits a cable that falls to the ground and starts sparking pretty badly. And then Bond picks up the hat and this is the one time during this entire movie that we see odd job visibly worried which means i guess the hat is the one weapon that can hurt him like it's his it's like a fucking uglies heel thing

his own weapon is the only thing that's quick. Bond throws this hat and it gets trapped between two metal bars. Oddjob smiles, gives him like a half bow, and then goes to try to get the hat. Bond uses that sparking cable to electrocute those bars, killing Oddjob and winning the fight in the most underhanded

method possible. Shocking. R.I.P. R.I.P. Let's have some chat for Oddjob. The army come in and there's like, this nice sequence where Bond has no idea how to turn the bomb off, which is quite funny. He's like, pushing at stuff, and like, he's about to yank the wires, and then at the last second a guy just dives in and hits a big off switch. Once again, this movie is willing to play stuff for laughs, in a way that a lot of subsequent Bond movies would not be, and it's almost charming now. That's the thing about Goldfinger, right?

If you watch it, aside from having a lead weight dumped on you about two-thirds of the way in, if you can get over that, and, like, in the time immediately before that, you're probably gonna have a nice time. Like, it's an entertaining film to watch, and it's actually quite seductive. You, like, find yourself, or at least I found myself, being kind of pulled back into it. Up top, we said this was like a good movie um is the overall like it is quite entertaining there is obviously one scene in particular that makes this movie uh just absolutely damaging to your psyche to watch and it and we said if you can get over and it's

fine if you can't i just want to be clear like this is a it is a traumatic scene we are we are trained professionals we trained for five months to watch this movie but the thing is you could cut that scene and you could just have the story be that the pussy galore just was going to betray goldfinger anyway and bond would you like to know would you like to know how he accomplishes this same thing in the book he leaves the tracking device under an airplane toilet seat. Oh, glamorous. And it just works. Yeah.

So, you know, could have just done that, I guess. The thing about the bomb as well is that they originally intended to stop, like, the countdown on the bomb at, like, three seconds. But instead, they thought it might be fun to stop it at 007, which is, of course, Bond of course number but they didn't change any of the dialogue so bond still says well three more ticks and we would have uh would have been blown sky high later on yeah bond bond is innumerate he never learned to count um i don't know what his measurement of tick is and then we get the bit where felix side is like hey why did

pussy change sides and and bond's like well my dick was so good that I stopped her being a lesbian. And everyone's like, ha ha ha, great. And then he gets to meet the president. Great, great work, James. He gets to meet President Johnson. He gets to, like, have lunch with him. Unfortunately, fucking Goldfinger is there. him. Unfortunately fucking Goldfinger is there. He and Pussy Galore are both there. Goldfinger springs out still in his Colonel outfit, while Bond is like on this, I guess like small executive

jet to go and meet the president. They fight, Goldfinger, again, calling back to some foreshadowing that happened earlier, shoots out the window and gets sucked out of the window of that plane. He makes an incredible face as he gets sucked out, it's brilliant. Yeah, I'm gonna try and make that the

episode art, if I can get that right. I've got it. Oh, perfect, perfect. This also crashes the plane. Getting shoved off by a plane! Not that. This is the death of Goldfinger, right? Bury me with my golden heart.

Bury me with my golden finger. We need to keep the TF jokes limited, but that was very good. Bury me with my golden finger. Yeah to keep the tf jokes limited but that was very good very me with my golden finger um yeah he just flies out and like bond checks up on pussy and she's like where's goldfinger and bond bond says he's playing his golden harp

which he's playing his golden harp admittedly quite a good line is it though anyway they parachute out Golden Arm. He's playing as Golden Arm. It's admittedly quite a good line. Yeah, it's a fine line. Is it, though? Anyway. Yeah! They parachute out of the plane, and then... fuck. Yeah, and then they have sex, whatever, get that shit out of my face.

Fine. Did not appreciate the kind of like, Die Hard-style false ending here. Yeah. Could've just fuckin' kept Goldfinger alive, I alive and come back, I don't give a shit. Yeah, he's cool. They originally wanted Orson Welles for Goldfinger, but they thought he would take too much money. And I just like,

I'm almost glad that they didn't get him because you know Orson Welles would have stolen this movie for a hundred percent. Yeah. It would be the Goldfinger franchise, and we would just be doing a podcast about why the 24 movie goldfinger franchise is so good

welcome to alternate universe kill james bond where we do it about goldfinger well that's the movie that's the movie should we talk about our patented scum system which we use to empirically

determine which James Bond movies are the worst the current winner of this is OK Connery you'll have to listen to the bonus episode it's the only good James Bond film that's right so Smarm I'm thinking this is a full 7 out of 7

because especially the line with the toaster in the back is shocking. Shocking. Shocking. I have a drop that will relate to both the S and the M here. These are a few of my favorite things. Dink, meet Felix Leiter. Hello.

Felix, say hello to Dink. Hi, Dink. Dink, say goodbye to Felix. Man talk. And then fully gives her a slap on the ass. Yeah, so it's a 7 out of 7 for Smarmy. 7 out of 7. Just such a Smarmy bastard the entire way through.

Cultural insensitivity. Cultural insensitivity. We have yet again just another guy whose bad guy is somehow an entire array of Asian guys. Yeah, it's just like, knows Asians, and can hire them to work for him. But I mean, nobody's in yellow, Faze. That is true. As opposed to the book, there's no explicit, there's nothing derogatory about the fact that people are Asian. There's no racial sllike races but there's no i don't there's no racial slurs is that no no like there wasn't from russia to my knowledge

no um odd job is is like exoticized and stuff but he's also genuinely threatening he's not like played for laughs exactly there is still the fact that the the only woman that bond didn't ever harass in any way was the sole asian woman that he was on screen with yeah that's true so it's not gonna be a zero but should we say like a two maybe yeah i'm happy with that yeah yeah now unprovoked violence i think this is relatively long it's it's well depends on whether we're folding that into the misogyny or not uh we will we'll touch the misogyny separately i think this is it's more because he does um he does more unprovoked violence frankly than, than the other two. The other two he basically does nothing, but in this one he does at least. I can't think of the instance.

Well, he does electrocute a guy, although that guy was like, clumsily going for a gun. Yeah, I mean, he fights back against people. I don't think he actively murders anyone, but like, he does manage to like, both hold a woman hostage after breaking into her hotel room, and also rape another woman, which is not nothing. Yeah. So yeah, if we count sexual violence then this is a 7, but if we're just talking about directly physical violence then it's even lower

so I'm willing to put it at like a halfway if we call it like a 6 that's halfway between now misogyny 8 out of 7 it's a fucking 8 like this is horrendous from top to bottom start to finish

just one of the most badly treated women cast I've ever seen. It's horrendous. It's very cruel. And that gives us a total score of 23, which makes it the worst so far. Huh. And yet it, like, had the relatively the best time watching it.

I was less bored watching it than I was with any of the others that we've seen. I think that's partly because it was quite a short movie compared to some of the other ones.'ve seen. I think that's partly because it was quite a short movie compared to some of the other ones. It is, it's the shortest until Skyfall. It's like an hour and a half and it doesn't like overstay that too much.

Whereas every other Bond movie is like two hours. Yeah, the next one that we're going to talk about, which kills James Bond, will return in Thunderball, is like two hours and 15 minutes, and I'm earnestly dreading it. But other than that, yeah, I think that's...

If anyone else has any closing thoughts on this, I think we've... That's a cast... Only that I think it was extremely funny when the guy said... That's really my only contribution yeah that is good I think it's funny that Oddjob is not particularly tall but he's filmed like he's a massive

guy I think that's fun oh yeah they filmed to be like wide which is great appreciate that well Harold Zagata spent five months getting very wide he spent five months learning how to smile five months practicing his aspect ratios. Oh, how to gotta. DM, get on the pod any day, you're welcome.

Absolutely wins what I am gonna start instituting and calling the Cronstein rosette for, like, underappreciated henchmen and villainy. Absolutely. The Kronstein Grand Prix of this movie goes to Harold Sakasa as our job. Anyway, let's cut to our sponsor.

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You can coordinate their jumpsuits. Yeah, just in the app as well is great. We'll see you in two weeks for Thunderball, and here's Devin with some soft jazz and the end matter after our theme song. Hi, Devin here again. I had such a great time chatting with you last time, I thought we could make this a regular date, you and I. Kill James Bond will return in Thunderball in two weeks' time, but if that is simply too long to wait,

we have a Patreon where we upload bonus episodes on those interstitial weeks. That's patreon.com forward slash killjamesbond, all one word. Speaking of our beautiful patrons, I'd like to give special thanks to our £15 and above patrons, and that's Jack Holmes, Timothy Pagioni, Jack Bushell, Larry Kins, Josh Simmons, Alfredo, and Danny. This has been Kill James Bond, our producer is Nate Bethea, and our podcast art is by Matt Lubchansky. See you soon.