Upstream - S3E11: Red Dragon (not that one)

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

This week, we're joined by Alex Ptak from the podcast Quorators to discuss another German spy movie.    Remember a few episodes ago when we realised that the director was an architect of the french new wave? This is the same except we find out that the director invented a new kind of child pornography

Now you just keep quiet and understand or I'll shoot you in a face baby. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Alice Cordo Kelly, I am joined as always by my friends Alpha Girl Thorne and Devon. Hey, how you doing? And we have a guest who I've been instructed to introduce with the phrase, hello, it's Alex. Hello, Alex. Hello. Hello. Hello. How's the quarators? Thank you. Thank you. From podcast.

Thank you for having me. It's good. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome. Welcome. from podcast thank you for having me it's good hello we have made you watch red dragon not that one no not that one the title of this the recording session we're currently doing is red dragon not that one, because this is Red Dragon, the 1965 West German Italian spy film. What if the West German guy was Italian? Exactly. It has like 50 different titles. The original German one is Duskheimnister Dried Schunken, the secret of three junks. Hmm. Lotto, we're deep, deep in the bowels of the fucking IMDB list of Euros by movies here. Mm-hmm. We're not that far.

This is only 1965. All of the movies we've done thus far have been 1964 and 5. Yeah. And yeah, it took one year precisely to get into the real drags. I mean, this is this is I had a bad time With this one kind of a Pokemon style craze for those two years. It's so by the numbers this one Oh, yeah, you're inspired by the number did everybody catch all of the junks? I saw two. No, there's one, there's one junk in this. There weren't that many. Three in the opening shot. There were three in the opening. Yeah. So the opening shot is some ominous junk and then sinister umpar music, which is because this is German.

I mean, this is you never want to see the phrase, I know Deutsche Italienische Korps production, historically. Oh yeah, good point of shit. Yeah. I've always said that. Not countries that you want to co-produce anything, but particularly because the studio logo for this has a big globe and some wings and you're like, welcome to the axis of drama. This is what they did after the war. Yeah, we got a collab again. Not on this, but on something else. We loved working with them.

We just, what we made wasn't that good, but the energy was fantastic. It's slow hanging through, but like it has a bunch of West German actors in it, and it was made in the 60s. So like that one of the lines in the directs of Wikipedia page is like after he got out of the allied prisoner of war camp, he went back to making movies and you're like, oh, okay. Well, I hope you've learned your lesson. I just got a movie he made afterwards. No, he did not.

I will say first of all, sorry, we see in a prisoner of war camp, brackets good or bad. What do you mean by that? Which one's the good, bro? Which one's good? He was presumably in the German military. So no, probably not. So he's Nazi.

Probably, yeah. I think if you're in the German military during World War II, that is one of the main ways to tell. Oh, see about that third way approach. So it's good that he was in the P.O.W. He was trying to change it from the inside. He got you. Operating a rogue faction. I'll just sort of lay some cards on the table here.

I was going to drop the song. There's a surprise. No, it's not about being in Nazi. So this director, Ernst Hoffbauer, he kind of single-handedly invented a genre of softcore porn in Germany. He's like kind of most famous for that. And so his filmography is like, he made a couple of westerns, he made a couple of euros by things, neither of them really took off.

And then he did mostly like, schoolgirl-themed pornography until finally being shut down. So he was the guy who invented schoolgirl porn. Pretty much. Yeah. He came up with schoolgirls. The invention of that. Yeah. So there's like a little domino world war two, then big domino Britney Spears music video.

So the reason why? Yes. Britney Spears music video. So the reason why? Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why.

Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why.

Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, the reason why. Yes, actual thing, but that was the pretext. And so he made a bunch of like... Sorry, that rules.

Yes. That's really funny. School girl, like, sex report movies. And also this. I'm looking at the Wikipedia here for School Match and Report. Yeah. School girl report part one, what parents don't think is possible for title. Yeah, film was a commercial success in 1970, topping the German cinema charts for weeks, becoming the first in a series that would last 13 titles.

Parents do not think this is possible. Thirty. Oh my god. I'm sorry to fit with five minutes into this. There's so little in this. They're so lit. They're so little in this movie. It's fine. I've got all 13 school girl report titles here.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. We're just going to read these out in order. Right. School girl report number two, what keeps parents awake at night? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. School girl report three, what parents find unthinkable?

AKA schoolgirls growing up, two titles up. Right. I noticed a lot of focus on the parents so far. Well, that happens. It's that's in the early filmography. We'll get started. He develops an artist for four. What drives parents to despair? AKA, campus swingers. The parents are going through a real journey on this one. Parents, these poor parents.

Four, number five, what all parents should know. Uh-huh. Number six, erotic young lovers, AKA campus pussy cats. Now you've shifted his focus here. Yeah, parents not so much parents, they didn't return for part six. Parents don't return here. Um, schoolgirl report, part seven,

but heart needs to be there. Now we get to this. So now it's seven. It's getting quite a wasteful. You do all of the sex scenes, all of the softcore porn, and you're just like, yeah, but it means nothing without heart. Indeed. But part seven here, and I think this is the last one that he directed, part seven, what parents should never get to know? AKA naughty cohorts.

No. They should never get to know naughty cohorts. Never. Yeah, they put them out of business because West Germany legalized hardcore porn. And they always always done with this shit. They ain't Christ. I don't find more schoolgirl reports here.

I'm not letting you leave. I'm not letting you leave. They're a wistful titles. Much like the schoolgirls, you know, I'm not letting you leave. I'm not letting you leave. You're going to win for titles. Much like the schoolgirls, you know, the bell doesn't dismiss you. No, no, I've been to teach for many years. Wow, I don't know if I can say that contextually. Let's go ahead and get a last statement.

Yeah. Bracket's good. I don't know about that one. Report nine, examination before matriculation. I don't know. Not good. Uh, number, number 10, every girl starts sometime. That's a, I'm, I'm, I'm trying beat studying aka blue dreams aka confessions of a naked

virgin. They really couldn't like legalize hardcore porn quickly enough, I think. He, he wasn't cookin' here. No, no, no, he wasn't. And then it is last two and he's done a very like scorsese thing here where he's gotten correctly enough, I think. He wasn't cooking here. No, no, he wasn't. And then he does last two. And he's done a very like scorsese thing here, where he's gotten quite sentimental and focused

in his all the years. He's gone, young girls need love. And his last one is, school girl report 13, don't forget the love when having sex. Sort of, no. See, learning something. So, yeah, it's sort of a kind of like,

like a killers of the flower moon of schoolgirl porn. Is it too late to put this guy back in the period I mean, you come? I mean, I guess the thing is, right, if you're then trying to compete with like 70s West German hardcore porn, we're a guy wearing like white ankle socks with a hand of warmer stash is like, like fucking every hole on a woman, right? Then presumably you have to lean into sentimentality and you have to be like, you know, like the good old

days, I guess. We all remember naughty co-eds like the early 70s. Now everyone's hardcore porn. It's kind of pissed on and shit. The actors in these films, oh, adults, I hope. Well, see, this is the thing. This is part of the reason why they were like suppressed in the UK as I understand from Wikipedia is because there was some dispute about that. So, yeah, put this guy back in the fucking

POW camp. Red Dragon. Red Dragon, however. The 1965. Yeah, okay, that's that's quite enough about non-sing. Er, what you want to know the mindset of a director was coming to this with. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to know what mindset this man was coming anything with. He's bringing three junks to the film. Yeah. Three, three junks hit the film and immediate racism. The very first line is racist. Yeah, a guy who looks like

country Steve McQueen, not the Steve McQueen wasn't country, but this guy, this guy's kind of the like Yasha role in this movie of the henchman who is a little bit aesthetic and a little bit, he's was posing. I know exactly what you mean, but he doesn't do it for me.

Like, they do not push him hard enough. He's not, he's not country enough No, the first thing he does is he grabs a hit man who is like because they're in Hong Kong on a junk He grabs the guy says hey Confucius so the racism counter goes way out Hands him to glossy photos of of actors and goes Commit these to memory and then kill them hands of a gun and they just like let them keep the photos, which I'm not sure what the memorization thing was going on there if you were just going to give them to.

There was a moment where, because the film had just begun, you have to take a moment and pause and think, well maybe this guy's name is Confucius. Anything that happened in here is, they're in Hong Kong. I did bring up the IMDB to make sure. I thought I hope it's not. Yeah, it's just something that seems really racist.

The way this comes always start is that a secret agent gets killed who we call 009. This time we have an indulgence, we have two 009s. A double 009. And a stride for representation. One of the double-o-nines is a woman. Yeah, yeah. One of our double-o-nines, our sort of like sweaty,

pursued man, it like goes to see his like colleague and finds her already dead. She like slumps over on the part bench. And then he also gets killed by the guy. So he flees to his flat and he's transmitting a message. Oh, fuck, you're right. You're right, I completely forgot about the posting station. Yeah, yeah.

He logs on. He goes to his flat and he'd like immediately start someone teletype machine. And within seconds of sitting down is like a gunned down. This happens to me constantly. He goes to do age gap discourse. Yeah, he gets on housing Twitter. A guy fucking executes him with a pistol.

We see money penny in San Francisco. Get the tellotype of like, I am being shot. I mean, they do, they literally do that. Like, this guy gets shot and then the guy that kills him wonders over and types onto his teletype, the response here, I got the hogs to translate it because I couldn't see what was going on here. He's trying to make a report here. There are three junks, whatever. I, and he gets back, we were interrupted. Please repeat. And the guy types out, I can't. I'm dead. They can sense it over. It's really like insult to injury. That is pretty country. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of cool.

To kill a guy and then be like, by the way, I have killed your agent. So, Money Bunny tells M and M says get Bond, who is in this one is called... Oh Bond. Yeah, this is the weirdest Bond we've ever had. First of all, this bond is not just called, it's called Michael Scott, like the boss of me on this.

He's called my friend, he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's introduced, like normally with these, we see Bond, he's like on vacation, he's like skiing, he's like draped in beautiful women. He's sexually assaulting a woman. Yeah, things of this nature. What this bond is doing is he has configured two lines of a

model train set such that one train brings him a whiskey, one train brings him a soda. He's missing his third train. He's missing. He's been unable to configure the like ice train to finish his drink. And this is so perfect. I was locked into this. He's also smoking a cigarette in a cigarette holder. He's kind of slowly loose. There's a different train that brings him to cigarette. He's living the life. And he's an older man too. And he's an older guy. If they leaned into

the train thing more, like if he had had more things, more train themed gadgets, more things being brought to him by model train, I'm all about it, you know, but they kind of forget that pretty quickly and I think that's a real shame. I was so stuck on it, I was waiting the rest of the movie for trains to come back. They do once, which is fun.

Yeah, yeah. But also the voice that they give this guy in the dub, do we have any drops of him? Well, the opening one. Now you just keep quiet on the stand or I'll shoot you in the face, baby. I got a few of them. He's a... the actor who dub's this, I don't know who it was, but he's got a very dynamic voice. He's very bouncy in his deliveries. Quite playful. It's very, very interesting.

It's just big contrast to kind of your normal bond, which is normally a bit kind of like subdued, very dangly Craig or Sean Connelly, like a bit kind of monotone. This guy's just like, if you were to show me the sort of, what's that called like the voice pattern, the waves. Yeah. The wave form. The wave form. Yeah, it would be like very, very dynamic.

Show me the wave form. Podcasts. Mm, professional. This is, yeah, this is Stuart Granger, who is a British, kind of a like middling actor. Like he plugged away. He did a lot of shit, he like moved the US, tried ranching for a bit, and just kind of like, this is the late career stuff. He's quite old for the role as well.

And he's like sort of graying at the temples. He also, I do want to note that it's very funny to me that we have a German bond and the first thing he's doing is playing train simulator at home on vacation. Yeah, that is quite fun. One of us. Love that. This is economically how he's spreading his vacation. Huge fan. This is the thing about German spies, you know, the BVD or whatever, they just, they get home and they play spy games. But he's in a full suit as well. He's sitting cross-legged on the floor and

of course suit playing with his trains here. On the other side. The infrastructure must be changed for ice. So he goes into the office to see M. And first of all, this is where the lowest effort M things I've ever seen. It's just like, yeah, there's fucking the smuggling, the nuclear bomb parts to show. Well, bombed, here's the deal with this movie.

The only note that I have on this one is that obviously you have to show him some pictures of the guys, right? And so what they use to do that is they deploy a sort of recessed within a wall, guy identification panel. What do I use the identifier graph? Yeah, no, it's just like a little screen

insert into the wall, where it's just like it's sole purpose, it's a really weird angle too. It's displaying photos of guys that you need to identify. And yeah, the plot's the plot is, because actually what Brian and Quimby's got in his house, that's a lot of his work. That's how he finds the guys. If you listen to any number of episodes of the post guys, you could. That's a lot of his work. That's how he finds the guys. If you've listened to any number of episodes

of the post-gast, you could probably recite the plot of this movie. There's a criminal gang that they're smuggling gadgets to make nuclear weapons into China and 009 was onto them, which is why he was killed. So now you need to go down there and investigate what's going on. Like, go to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong. It does demand for a munker thing where where it's like there is a beautiful woman involved, going to like seal the deal as with her. Because the female 009 was just a telegraph operator. She wasn't really one of our agents. We're not really that progressive. But she was killed too, and we reckon they are going to try and hire a replacement for her from San Francisco,

which is the city that we're in now. So we've actually intercepted the woman that they're going to hire. So go to her apartment and go to her apartment and fuck around. Yeah, which he does. He he breaks into her apartment, find so like in in the bathroom. So while he's wasting outside, he doesn't look like on flap stem, which I just find really funny. I will, I will say I love that the throughout this M scene they're calling each other Joe and Scott

respectively and it doesn't have any sort of gravitas. No. Even slightly. I love your two secret agents be called Joe and Scott. Yeah, no. So since his last name is Scott does that mean the other guys last name is Joe? What Mr. Joe? Mr. Joe.

You could have elevated the gravitas of this scene so much by like bond calling him like, sir, or even just Mr. Joe. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Joe is my father. Yeah, please. I just don't wear this of like, dying of like, you know, class dynamics or whatever.

Anyway, the beautiful woman gets out of the shower, finds that like Bond has broken into her house. And is holding her bra? Absolute fucking non-s. Average-singred agent material. He just goes and now he's like, all right, let's check the bras. First of all, that's where she's going to be hiding things. Parents hate to know this. There's a microfilm in here. I've seen these. And to know this. There's a microfilm in here, I've seen these. So a lot of these things, the sort of thrust of this is going to be that he would seduce her, right?

Or something like that. Instead, we do a kind of more realistically coercive thing where he goes, cooperate immediately or go to fucking prison. Like I have the drop here. 27 YouTube. Alright tell you, if you want a very good girl in cooperating, I'll see that you don't go in a tall. Which, she pulls a fucking gun on him. Which, she does?

She's very patronizingly like dismisses it and then like takes it off her. That's a horrible looking little thing. Is that loaded? Which. misses it and then like takes it off her. That's a horrible looking little thing. Is that loaded? Which? That's good. Just see what I mean about a voice. You never know how you'll react when you see a gun. Oh, that's great. That's great.

Ew. Man, I don't, I honestly believe the women still have cuties. It's like, yeah. But he finds her with jail time and she says, look, I don't know anything about the people I was supposed to meet. They gave me like a ripped half of a dollar bill. I was supposed to meet a guy in Hong Kong off the plane and give this to him and that's all I know.

And he's like, right, okay, cool. And then he has her arrested. Yeah, he immediately betrays her. I have a question for the podcast. I haven't seen as many spy films. So I defer to your expertise here. Do you see this move a lot where you disarm a woman by going, hey, there's someone behind you and she goes, what?

It looks over her shoulder. You just take her gun because that was so embarrassing. That's one of the most effective strategies. You lose all respect for this woman instantly. He does the look behind you tricking at what? There's a kind of strict gender divide with these things, right? Where you disarm a woman by being like, Hey, there's something behind you.

And you disarm a man by doing like a sick, like mid-level kick and kicking the gun out of the hands. There's so much disarming in this film, so much that Al Bond even makes a joke about it later on. It's true. It's incredibly non-lethal. He has her arrested and he says, never trust a man and blows her a kiss and leaves. leaves and I'm like fuck. Never trust a man.

Hmm. There's always, I mean, he also keeps calling her a good girl, which when you've been a very good girl, you've been such a good girl, I want to introduce you to my family. Which, that doesn't come back. He doesn't know. There's a post-credit scene. He just gets, He just gets arrested. She's like in federal prison for the next 27 years, I guess. Very trans Twitter that drop. I... Yeah, there are some dual applications here.

So he's then introduced to the agent who's going to replace her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to pose as a telegraph operator. This is Carol. Yes. Oh, you're so right. So I guess that woman does just go to replace her. Yeah, yeah. She's going to pose as a telegraph operator. This is Carol. Yes. Oh, you're so right. So I guess that woman does just go to prison then. Yeah, she just goes to prison.

One scene prison. Yeah. So what it was the same woman for the whole movie conservatively. Carol is blonde. They go to, they go to a Japanese restaurant or a Chinese restaurant. I'm not actually sure which.

I assumed it was Chinese because we're going to Hong Kong, but it is Chinese. I've just put Japanese for a joke convention in the next note, which is white boy shocks Japanese restaurant by asking for knife and fork and perfect racist accent. Mm. Because he does have a fork for him. He does a joke about how he doesn't know how to use chopsticks.

Yeah. And then throughout the rest of this meal, he's doing bits about how shitty the food is and how they're gonna leave and get Euro food. He can't work the chopsticks and he says, no one of the Chinese is so thin, they never get anything to eat. And she, meanwhile, is gorgeous

in just eating the chopsticks because she's intelligent. And her line to him is, why are you looking at me? Not why are you looking at me like that? Just why are you looking at me? Which is like accidentally like perfectly shoving him down to be like, don't talk to me.

Don't look at me. He's so patronizing a missing because he says, I like you. I'm going to worry so much about you around Hong Kong. And like, she isn't really a secret agent. She's just a telegraph operator, but she's she's in on this She's in on working for the FBI. Yeah, yeah, she's very good at telegraphing She has 119 words a minute. She says yeah, yeah, really good. He gives her a bracelet It's like a communicator the discord bracelet. Yes. Yeah, this is gonna come back

Fairly often and it's just, it's a hidden radio thing. It works with his watch so he can like bother her from like, in audio whenever he wants. Also her fit in this scene is astounding. White dress, which, amazing, if you're going to go make a going out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant eating chopsticks with a white dress, love it. Also like asymmetric white overcoat, beautiful. How does she do it? There are some good ones, Leila. So they go to Hong Kong.

She is dropped off and they separate. She goes to get picked up by Auntie Steve McQueen. While he takes a rickshaw, the most racist mode of transport. Devin, you've found something really funny in this? Yeah. Oh, god, yeah, when they cut the cross to the camera, to Devin, you found something really funny in this? Yeah. Oh, god, yeah, when they cut the cross to the camera, to our bond, he hasn't started moving yet, so he's just stood completely still.

Like, he's in the Joe Biden pose with his hands flat by his side. This is just bliss. You get a very rare look at an actor who doesn't think the camera is on them yet, and then you get to see them start. You can see him say action in his brain, and it's really, really funny. Just do another try on that one.

It reminds me of that time that we saw Atomic Blonde, and we saw those two supporting artists have to keep talking for about three more seconds than they thought they were going to. It's just this moment where the world of the movie just kind of flickers a little bit. It's like ocean. It's really funny. I do love that. So, so, so,

County Steve McQueen is like, uh, he, he has the other half of the dollar bill. So he's like, all right, I immediately accept this is real. And you are who you say you are. Uh, I'm going to drive you to the specter. Lair where so that so that you can do the typing, which again is insane as a problem to be like, yeah, we just have hired some woman to do the typing because you can't amend it. Well, there's a little bit clever in that, which we found out later, but like, so we meet our main bad guy.

Is it? Yeah, we meet our main bad guy, Pierre Milleau, and his associate, Blanche, my name is say, hello, clocky. I, yeah, I have 1960s trans woman as for me. Uh-huh. Blanche insanely hot. Yeah, no, Blanche looks fantastic. They kind of, they kind of have like couple looking for a third energy.

They do. I don't know if they, I don't know if they do. If that's just what every European couple is like. I gotta go do this. I gotta go to Europe, is the thing. Like, if that's just the vibe that's in here. Me and my criminal associate saw you from across Hong Kong pain, like your vibes.

Yeah, so she's, I, I said, we got two junks, and we're looking for a third. We also meet Mei Ping, who is a Chinese lady who's there as like the mate we think. And as Carol is settling into her room, we see Milo go downstairs and calls the boss and he's like, yeah, and you secretary just arrived, it's all good. Yeah, she's definitely not a spy. I'm fascinated with Mei Ping because she is the only Asian person who is a character in this movie. Yes.

So the whole time I'm like waiting for her to be like the spy queen, but no, she's just, she's May Ping, we love what she does. Yeah, she does sense a bit of a reveal with her lights. Oh yeah, but like one of the things about how racist this movie is is not something that you can pull out just in like, here's what happens in this scene,

here's what happens in this scene, here's what happens in this scene. But a kind of like general disdain for anyone who is actually from Hong Kong, because like in half the scenes, they're just like stepping over them or like pushing past them. And the way that it's filmed is one of like, complete disinterest.

Like I don't know how you make 1965 Hong Kong look boring, but they film it in a really kind of flat, uninterested way, where you just know there's some ex Nazi German guy holding the camera who's just like, yes, this is not interesting to me. Yeah, and I guess also the scene in the Chinese restaurant really sets us up because he doesn't know how to use chopsticks and sees no reason to me. Yeah, and I guess also the scene in the Chinese restaurant really sets us up because he doesn't know how to use chopsticks and sees no reason to learn. Ever need to learn, which would be like an easy like gimmied like character growth bullshit

thing as you learn how to use chopsticks. Never does. In fact, even as they leave the restaurant, he says, let's go and get dinner. He takes, he takes the food back and it's like, I don't like it. Racist ass off. Proudly ignorant. So he goes to a temple and he meets our man in Hong Kong, this guy, Norman. Yeah, and this has weirdly cruising vibes because he's like...

There's a woman in the temple who's like praying because she's looking for a husband and he's like, I'm looking for a man too. As he sidles up to this other guy and it's just like... I just love all the names. Michael, Scott, Joe, Norman, Linda, Carol, Blanche. This is fantastic. This is some real peak six. Well, we're about to meet a guy who does have a memorable name. That's true, because because Norman's like, listen, you need to meet a second consecutive

white guy. This is the guy who would be playing the part of like local ally, I guess except. I thought he was going to be like a Mr. Sontag. Genuinely because he's like, okay, you got to meet this guy. He's like my man on the ground. He speaks Chinese. He knows the city. He knows the city. Yeah. He was like, okay, cool.

We're going to meet our local ally. We cut to it. We meet Smokey who's just a white guy. Smokey is unbelievable. I love Smokey's energy throughout his whole. Huge fan of Smokey. Smokey is maybe, I think he got this job by lying about having previous experience. And he's definitely lying about speaking Chinese.

He's a, he's a roobe. Like the only requirements they're given before we beat Smokey are someone who knows Hong Kong like the back of his hand and is fluent in Chinese. And you look over and it's the dumbest white boy. They could find on the garden. I'm feeling a bit of a like ostensibly Michael Scott is an FBI agent. And I'm like, I kind of believe this is how the FBI would have operated, particularly in the 60s. You know, it's like, yeah, we just found this guy. Well, I guess it's because the implied, the implied third criteria is, he says he knows

all of this and he has to be white. Yeah. He doesn't say that, but like, he's in the club. He's smoky, he's a good old boy. Damn, we're in Hong Kong. Where are we going to find a bunch of people who know Hong Kong and speak Chinese? Widly like you couldn't even find a British white guy when we were the colonial overlords of Hong Kong,

which, yeah. Yeah, I think God went out and involved in this. Yeah, no, we're genuinely, right? We didn't do any of this. I'm fucking crushed. Not responsible. Also, that never comes up that no point does the FBI have to go and have a word with the colonial office.

No. Like hang on a minute, shouldn't you be chatting to us? It's just location. Yeah. It takes place in Hong Kong, but it could have been anywhere. You're right. Like, it does not in any way mean you fully engage with being in Hong Kong. You're right, Alice, because they're just not interested in Hong Kong

as a setting at all. Yeah, which is weird, because the most enjoyable part of this with me was looking in the background just seeing 1960s Hong Kong street life, but just like a really interesting, fascinating setting. And all the boats. No, the boats were so...

Whenever a boat shows up, the movie becomes twice as enjoyable for the next seven minutes. Yeah, I mean, just like all the most interesting stuff is Hong Kong. Like, fucking police story too, or I went into a 10 minute referee because I saw a like catering van. This movie doesn't even give me the opportunity to do that, because it's like so hostile to its own sort of like.

If anything, Hong Kong is an obstacle, not a set up. Yeah, I think this comes up soon, but there's, as long as we're talking about like background static, the Michael Scott has to take a row boat at one point to like do one of his spy meetings or whatever. And they totally gloss over this. And Michael Scott is not interested at all. But the guy who rose the row boat is essentially like, he just flops an ore in the back and like bench presses it non-stop.

Yeah. It's a up and down or low. It's really interesting. It looks exhausting. I don't know everything about this and nothing about Michael Scott. Before we get there though, Scott looks at some model trains in a window. He does. He does.

Another classic of 60's by movies, a sinister guy pretending to be blind. Yeah, I'm not sure what it is about like blind people in the 60s that's like, that's and you can't trust them. They were really mistrusted. What happened to you? They're lying. What was this? How pissed off would you be if you were blind in the 60s and you weren't a professional

assassin? Because like, per the movies, 100%. stuff would you be if you were blind in the 60s and you weren't a professional assassin, because like, per the movies, 100%. Yeah, 100% of the blind people that we have seen on film in this podcast have been pretending to be assassins. I think it's been real assassins, pretending to be blind. Yeah, that's true. Stealing valid. I think it's right up there with like the holes in the newspaper, like this is just classic

spy shit. If you don't want to just put any effort in stay, you put some sunglasses on and get a stick and you're like, fuck it, fuck it. No one's gonna look at me. The irony, no one will see me because I can't see. So the fake blind guy follows Scott and Smokey back to their place.

Where smokey's like, hey, do you wanna wrestle me? Again, some weird vibes here. I Where smokey's like, hey, do you want to wrestle me again? Some weird vibes here. I love sprucs. Okay, Michael's got his 60 years old. This guy looks amazing as well. He's got like, for Dracula flow fucking peak. It's like pure white on the sides. I have no idea who cast this man as like a swarve and sexy spy. He's very odd. He's sort of not very bond like at all. No.

Like bond wasn't really a super established character at this point and he's like, he's not even, he's an FBI agent, so he's a cop more than he's a spy. He's like older. He doesn't really have any like sort of bond qualities. And smokey is like, hey, can you like put me in a headlock? I think that would be fun. I never had a father. Yeah, Smokey is bearing a little too much immediately.

It's just like, you smell really good. He's just trying to get his whole backstory across the second. And the second he does this, the blind guy strikes. And with a gun hidden in his cane, he misses and then Scott Uncle chops him. And as he's going to interrogate him, the blind guy gets killed with a throwing knife that's been thrown from a passing car, which good shot. Yeah, really good. Incredible, Dave. I have, I have two notes from this. No, no, no, no, number good. Incredible, guys. I have two notes from this.

No, no, no, no, number one, I love a throwing knife guy. I love him. I cannot get enough of a guy who has a throwing knife. That's my first note. Second note, they had a second assassin on hand waiting in case the first assassin failed. And that second assassin's job was to kill the first assassin only So organization does not tolerate failure

Even if you have a free shot on Michael Scott Do not take it You two of them are next to each other when this guy takes out the previous assassin I'm going to put out an ad for Hitman and include the words no one would chain. It's a sort of like, it's a sort of Hitman food chain, you know? There's like, he's a higher form of like predatory life, you know, he's the eagle swooping down. It'll be such a harsh interview as the first assassin being there like, now you promise

you haven't hired a second assassin to kill me. I'm like, no, no. It's a seniority system like they send the junior guy in at the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, I mean, it's really funny to be like to do the this organization does not tolerate failure thing, but like instantly because you don't have time to like bring that guy back and show him getting in trouble. So instead, you just have a guy like

on deck ready to kill him. So at this point, Carol finds out what her job is going to be. And she says she sits in the basement and they get transmissions from the junk which we assume are criminal in nature. They're always in code. Yeah, her job is to transmit and receive messages that she doesn't understand for a process that she does, which is some kind of Chinese room, which is apt, I guess. Yeah, and she says it seems like pretty easy work. Why did you hire me and your pay me all this money to do this? It's very easy. And Milo says, thinking that she is the woman who she has replaced, well,

we understand that you've had a little bit of criminal background. I needed somebody who wasn't going to ask too many questions. Wait, wait, not to mention. She's like, got it boss, where criminals know worries. And she says, oh, by the way, could I maybe help with the decoding? You know, I do have these skills. And he's like, maybe if you're good. Yeah, maybe if you're a good girl, I think he actually does call her a good girl again. The sexual tension is through the roof. Parents don't know about this. Parents don't want to know about this.

Parents must not know. And she calls Scott and Scott's like, oh, you've got to take care of your pretty face, baby. Well, I think this is the point that what actually happens is she calls Scott on Dan Fagen-Alan, duchess, to Spracken because the fucking gub, runs out. And it just kind of goes.

Yeah. This is the problem with these movies. This is just a nose problem. Yeah, yeah, is we have a bunch of movies that are like, it's somewhat dubbed into English, and then the rest of the time in German with no subtitles, I don't think we're missing anything. I don't think those few minutes can tell you

anything good, but yeah. It's part of the way the film is meant to be viewed where you black out every seven minutes and then come back after a brief period of confusion. That is very much how I did this one. Carol here doing standard 60s hot girl shit, whereas she's lounging in a 90s, picking her feet and she's got perfect like permed hair. How do you do it, Carol? She looks great. Scott goes to meet Norman and Smoky. And Scott says, how did the blind assassins know that I'm in town

of the MNFBI agent? It's really weird. The only people... Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. The blind assassins implies the second guy was also blind, which I really like. It's just a blind guy with a throwing knife. It's a John Wick situation. All blind people in Hong Kong work for the junk launch. Yeah. So he says, so he says, how do they know I'm here and how do they know I'm a bad guy? The only people who know our own town are you Norman and you're smoky. Weird. Guess we'll never know. And I'm like, I wrote that down. Yeah, just like, damn, anyway, almost the bad guy. No, because it's not, we're not gonna reveal that Smoky's

the criminal mastermind. I know it. It's clearly norm who's like, damn, that's crazy. Anyway, that was tip to off, but I can't figure out who. Oh, anyway,

we're gonna great reversal. If after teaching Smoky how to fight, Smoky use those moves on him in the third act. Yeah, it would be cool if it turned out the bad guy was smoky, but no, as we all knew, you can trust smoky through and through smoky is a sterling gentleman. He will not. You will not betray you Norman though. Oh, Norman who looks like German Sylvia Berlusconi.

Yeah, he does. Oh, no. This is Paul Klinger, by the way way, who worked as an actor through the war. Yeah. You get an exemption to work as an actor. It's okay, Smokey was in the war as well. I checked, the actor was drafted at 15 into a second world war. So on the German side, I guess there's like worst things you could work at during the war.

That's true. Anyway, so they go to the docks, right? To try and figure out what's going on. And a guy just like ambushes them with a camera. And I'm like, oh, they're doing the thing from like one of the OSS things where a guy identifies them. No, no, this is a business that apparently operates by like taking your picture on the docks and then going, hey, do you want a picture of you on the docks? And coincidentally, on the wall of this building,

they have a photo of 009, 0092, the woman who got killed, and a third guy. And the docks. So I go, who's the third guy? Who can I pick? It's just like the third man, if you will. It's a Chinese guy. The third job. Yeah. And so they go, okay, where can you find Chinese guys who work at the docs? The docs probably. I don't fucking remember how they get to this point.

I got a, yeah, no, a lot of my notes are just like, huh? Yeah. At this point, so they're chatting with Norm again at the bar and they're like, we need to find the third guy in this photo, cool. So Smoky and Scott leave to go and find the third guy. There's a white guy with a fucked up mustache who does the kind of like kill them.

He like orders a goon to follow them with a gun. We never find out who this guy with a mustache or is and he never comes back. He just wants to. He's involved. He's actually not part of the guy with the moustache is and he never comes back. He just wants that. He's involved. He's actually not part of the conspiracy. He works for the dark and he's like, that guy's fucking around. But the doc has sat. Said what about lying to sass.

Yeah. Smoky says, yo, I found a fisherman who knows who the guy in the photo is. So they go to see that fisherman. Hmm. And this is so so they wrote their road out to seek that fisherman. There's a guy. Yeah, there's a guy following them. That guy has a facial scar. So you know, he's evil and he has a knife. Yeah, a knife that he opens, it's a spring lady opens it and then puts it laid still out into his sleeve. And you go amazing. What would you do? You're good.

This guy, this guy knows how to use a knife. Yeah, this guy knows who's about. So, smoky speaks Chinese, right? That's why we brought smoky because of his Chinese speaking. He tries to speak Chinese to the fisherman and his Chinese. I checked this with a speaker of Cantonese. Terrible. Very bad Chinese, apparently.

Very bad Chinese apparently. Very bad Chinese books. Which is at least authentic. The guy speaks English anyway, which is almost funny. Really hugely love that it's canon. This guy doesn't speak good Chinese. That is quite cool. Here's our guy, he speaks Chinese,

he knows Hong Kong, let the back of his hands. He brings the heart to the mission is really what he does. That's great. He got to bring the heart. Much like, much like, you know, schoolgirl love, if there's not a heart there, then. You know, I should have done it in the first five minutes.

I realized we set us up to do a lot of return jokes to the pedophilia. But I should have thought about that. I'm still not over like small domino world war two. Listen, listen, listen, like 30 minutes of the show, Peter Fowl jokes, the other 30 minutes of the show is going to be every drop of air any time anyone mentions the word junk. I have all of these. I'm still not over small domino world war two big domino, my ex say, do you want me to wear pigtails? And I'm like of these. I'm still not over small Domino world war two big Domino my ex say do you want me to wear pigtails? And I'm like no

Well if you ask the parents they're gonna say I don't know At this point the guy with the knife perfectly throws the knife and Misses everything but this frightens off the like, the witness to the point that he's like, okay, well, I'm not fucking talking. Even though Michael Scott chases the knife guy off, but I say chases the knife guy off. What he does is he turns fires like three shots,

all of which, what if I actually angle upward? Yeah, the angles of the shots were so wild, straight in the air, then add a random like boat. It's like, oh shit. He like shoots three unrelated people, yeah. And then the guy with the knife is like very gently like breasts stroking away under a drop boat very slowly. Yeah, I can't get him.

There's a bronze swimming certificate. He only brought one knife he missed and I just swam away. Like, what are we going to do? That guy was assassinated by a different guy. At moments later, we assume. Yeah, but the second I just dropped a knife on. Knife would like tied to a bricks. A lot of people in the Hong Kong economy at that time would just like nest in assassins.

Yeah. Yeah. So we go back to the fucking... The villa. The villa. Because at this point, Scott and Smokey are like, well, we better try and do some actual spy work then. Yes.

So they go to Milo's villa and they pose as insurance salesman. And then he tries to do the PS Bros. and the thing of like, yeah, have you committed any crimes? Yeah, yeah. And Milo's answers this is, no. Why don't you make an appointment to get a assassinated idiot? Yeah.

Well, they're like, did you know your secretary and also her friend are both dead and they're like, damn, that's crazy. We don't know anything about that. I was like, really? Wow. Huh. That's the time hearing of this. And he's got this massive great. Guys like really? Wow. Huh.

That's time hearing of this. He's got this massive great chat during the huge eyebrows as well. Just really interesting looking guy. And there is a kind of bond moment here where Milo goes into the basement like calls his boss and his boss is immediately like, yeah, he's an FBI agent. Kill him. Really like that. He calls his boss to be like, there's a strange guy here who's doing insurance stuff. And the boss is like, yeah, no, he's FBI. I've already tried to kill him twice. If you could take care of him for me, that'll be fucking great.

He can dodge a knife like nobody's business. Yeah. You're gonna need to bring a second knife. I know we never do this, but you may have to consider. Bring a second knife to kill yourself when you miss. Yeah. Why since to kill yourself when you miss. Yeah. Why should it still kill yourself? And the last knife is, I'm gonna take a chance at this one.

I have come. No. Kill yourself. There we go. It is. So. You heard it. Yeah, to sort of like, I'm miss with both of the knives that I brought.

And to be like. Killin' myself! Yeah. miss with both of the knives that I brought and to be like killing myself. Yeah, Steve, I really get a fucking kill that's a good feature in every episode going forward. I'm so sorry. So yeah, at this point, Scott is like, all right, smokey, can you fucking do one thing right in your miserable life and go and investigate the like warehouses this guy has by the docs that I know about for some. So many like dead ends in this movie. So like Smoky goes to the docs, they try and kill him and then he goes back and nothing. And the exchange before they send Smoky off those is this one which I really love. I mean to several o'clock outside the same

bar, right? I've got a cheat. What are you doing the meantime? Well, I'm going to sleep. He's just like me. He's just like me. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to go to sleep, man. First of all, you've got in the guise of this insurance agent, like calls me, low and says, hey, could we have a meeting to talk about life insurance? Is that yeah cool? Comes to these assassination coordinates. Yeah, by the way, when Smoky goes to those docks that warehouse, a guy tries to kill him like loony tune style by dropping a big crate on him. And when the crate misses, the same guy just like

leans back like, oh, I don't know what I can't. He just went for one shot of then was like, oh, I don't know if he's also like that. Smoky's a speoked she made me involved. Everyone on the entire dark looked at him, saw a queen almost squashed his head and was like, ah, Thursday and moved on. Well, he dives into the harbor to avoid it. And in fact, Scott comments on this in the next scene, because Smokey tells him I had

to jump in the water. And he's like, but your clothes are dry. And he says, well, I went back to my hotel and I cleaned and ironed all of my clothes. And we get some more like slightly homoerotic things where Scott says, oh, you make a great housewife. Yes, love to have to trust him. You've been an apron. He says, you should get married.

You'll give some lucky girl a great wife. And I'm like, do you ever practice kissing Smoky? Yeah. You heard of Lucy Decker. It's on the kissing lessons. It was very formative of me. Good song, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So drive to the assassination coordinates and county Steve McQueen tries to assassinate. County Steve McQueen, this is the him. Conti Steve McQueen, this is the only part in the movie which I sit up in my seat and while I know that Conti Steve McQueen is armed with a sterling submachine gun,

this is when we thought that the really good one. The way of the future was gonna be like a submachine gun with a magazine that came in from the side. It was like the success of the stand. It looks really fucking cool. Spy movies. I live for that side, I live for that shit. Spy movies.

So yeah, they shoot them with the bullets that drive your car off the cliff, because the car is driving normally, gets hit with a bullet and gets knocked off the cliff. I think that they got them, but they didn't. Yeah, this car does not explode, which I was disappointed by. Yeah, but they didn't. Yeah, this card does not explode, which I was disappointed by. Yeah, that was a shame.

But Conti, dude, calls it in and Carol overhears Milo on the phone, and like, excellent. We got him, he's dead. Clapt his ass. I don't know why he didn't die. They just somehow flopped onto the cliff, and it was like, good thing we both know how to do that, even though you're not a spy. Yeah. Had he been saved in that moment by some like arcane model train bullshit, I wouldn't have

questioned it. But it's just on with chopsticks or something. You know what? If Smokey died, I would have bought it. But no, they're both just spies. That's okay. That's okay. So yeah, she thinks that he's dead. I should also say that Blanche is wearing at this point a lime green pantsuit with a black

shirt, which fucking pops off. That's the only thing that's notable about this scene where they like hitchhike over to the villa, arrive in a car inexplicably and then like solid snake their way inside. Yeah, they did arrive in a car, don't they? like solid snake their way inside. Yeah, they did her over the cut. Blanche hates Carol. She's jealous. So jealous of Carol. Just because of how many words she can type. Carol is sad because she thinks that Scott is dead, but then Scott sneaks in and it's like, I'm actually alive. She's very relieved. They kiss, might not say why? I'm alive and we're in love. Yeah, he's been hitting on her for a minute one

in the Chinese restaurant, and she's been giving nothing back beyond... Why are you looking at me? Yeah, that's what she said. Yeah, please don't. That's not the sickest part. The sickest part is that Smokey is outside. They let him watch a pet that's wandered into the room.

They don't even turn him to face the wall. He's like a pet that's wandered into the room. But they don't even turn him to face the wall. He's like a stuffed animal. He's just, he's seen some fucking thing. God, I should smokey out of the room. What? What? What? Smokey.

No, what about smokey sleeps on the foot of the bed while you make work? I'm aware of the cocktail, but the Cuck surveillance outpost is like a new high. Well, isn't that like the guy in the lives of others? Yeah, basically. Yeah. He's like the Cuck surveillance out West German. It's a deeply West German. German sick people. All just like Jason Voorhees listening to people shag. So he goes to the fucking warehouse. You can hear me putting my hands over my head.

I try and remember what happens on this fucking week. So Carol tries to find the code book to decode the shit. They're so little. She plants her bracelet, but then an immediate gets discovered. You see what I mean? Listers about the dead ends in this movie? Mm. Like she tries to plant it and then just, I like fails and I'm like,

wait, yeah, she pick a thing and do it. Mm. It's meanderin', you know. I wouldn't be honest, if you didn't tell me there was a nuclear bomb involved at the beginning of this podcast, I did not know that at the end of the film. I didn't know that.

They're putting the like nuclear bomb parts into logs to disguise them. Yeah. Also at this point to add to the confusion of the dub fails and we just get like two or three minutes of German, which Blanche seems suspicious of Carol, but that's all I can tell you. Quite a pivotal moment. Yeah.

How's your German? It was a subtitle file included, but there are still some bits where that doesn't even have any so. Yeah, but so Scott infiltrates, finally infiltrates this warehouse, he finally gets it. Yeah. And is immediately made. Someone sees him and his response to breaking stealth is to like shoot the first guy, sort of side step back and forth around a pillar in like in front of the other guy's vision,

which causes him to glitch out. I love that. That was all he's just looking back at fourth with the gun being like I could shoot him, but he's so tricky. The three feet away from each other at this point. And then country Stephen Queen drops a tire around his head and arms, which does not restrain him in any way. I love the story. He gets captured and beaten up. Oh, he gets captured and then he says, apropos, nothing, looking directly into a county

Steve McQueen's face. He says, you must have been a beautiful child. Your mother must have loved you. I knew you'd get that one. Did you know? I knew you'd get that one. Baffling, baffling. I know your parents wouldn't want to hear about it.

Guard your hands and rip us apart. You must have been a beautiful child. Your mother must have loved you. Did you know her? And that's his like one liner. I'm saying. No. It takes me a second to even pass that as an insult.

What are you fucking talking about? It just sounds like you're icing on me in the most. Eat a feel like way. You know how to just... Like, damn, you must have been a hot shot at all. That's what he says, my parents don't know this. You must have driven your parents to despair. I've never realized it like 50 minutes into the podcast.

This is just the 1960s equivalent of doctors hate him. the podcast. This is just the 1960s equivalent of doctors hate him. Paris don't think this is possible. I'm getting really into the fucking tire thing. I love that. I love thinking about that as an extension of the thing they had at the time where they thought that if you pulled a guy's blazer jacket down around his arms, he was fucked forever. Yeah. It was just common belief at the time in Europe was that if you had your upper arms in any way restrained, you were fucked, you were first-truster. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, So, so meanwhile Carol is trying to like find the code. Yeah, and she gets caught by a blast. She was wearing a beautiful pink dress and it seems so, you know.

So, honestly, a lot of her feelings are really good. Yeah, she looks a bit like a Kate Archer, and no one loves her ever too. Anyway, she gets captured, and there's like, just the briefest, tiniest moment of lesbian vibes because she's like tied up being menaced by this woman And then she's immediately like not not gonna do the menacing myself gonna delegate that to Chang

Chang Chang isn't the same as Chang is not a character. Yeah, so um Carol gets caught and Suspended from the ceiling. And the shot that we get, because her dress is backless, we are, the shot that we get is shot from behind her. So we see her and she appears in the shot to be nude. And like Blanche is standing in front of her, like smoking a cigarette.

It's like, yeah, me and her. But yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it weight on her wrist, which I don't recommend. And then incredible core strength, like pulls herself up to kick him in the chest. She has like a matrix kick to check. Yeah, and he flips over backwards. He sells it great. He's like over the head, incredible stuff from... Chang is taken the fuck out by this. And then they cut away, so we're left to assume like, and that was it.

He kills himself with a knife immediately after this. And then they cutaways, we're left to assume like, and that was it. He kills himself when I'm immediately after this. He's too embarrassed. You take one hit point of damage and you just have to kill yourself. This organization does not tolerate even the my audits of failure. This organization is doing a headless run quite frankly, and if you're not aligned with the fucking vision, kill yourself. I don't know. I'm just.

Milo, Milo is trying to run away with the cash. Which is quite like, mm-hmm. Yeah, because he's like, fuck this shit. This organization is doing. It's like, I'm going to get nice I keep doing this, cause I failed somewhere. The organization's a fucking Iron Man murderer. And you have some new friends. Alright, Flash comes in and she's like,

trying to escape from you and he's like, yes, 100%. I love her. Of course I am. Which I respect. I respect so deeply. Flash, she's a fucking snitch. She immediately dubs him in. Yeah, she does.

Um, what's that getter? What does that getter? Oh, nothing knocked out. Yeah, she does. What's that getter? What does that getter? Nothing knocked out. I mean, I think that's it. Yeah. She gets knocked down captured. Blanche gets knocked out again and captured. What?

No, she doesn't. What are you talking about? I don't fucking remember. I'm so sorry. I've skipped like 10 minutes because I stopped looking at the screen. Blanche calls the chief and is like, yo, Milo's trying to betray us. And then at this point, Smoky got caught last night and Uncle chopped, and he's working up by May Ping because for some reason, they just left him lying there when they owned.

He's been unconscious for so long. He's been out on the left. He's like, face down outside for like 12 hours. No, what in this conspiracy has a second thing to do. They've only ever been given one instruction per thing when they're done, they're like, so so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so's in the car, he's been driven at gunpoint by me low. And they're being followed by somebody else. We don't know who this is. The other guy is like open fire, killing me low. Scott manages to bail and the car blows up. And we see that these assassins who just took out me low, is fucking normal.

Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god, the only guy I could have been. Smoky's friend. Yeah. Yeah, Smoky's friend. They did not spring for the non-explosive car upgrade like Michael Scott did, by the way, the car just fucking blows up from the trunk first. So. This is why we get a scene that happens in German where Smoky and Mayping go to the police

station and mayping. I'm assuming, given what happens later, this is the point where Mayping reveals that she's a cop. But it's not like yeah, um, is she a cop? I thought she just love it. She's smoky. No, she turns up at the end of the police office as uniform. She's the one who brings the cops in because she's been an undercover agent the whole time. She's got some great uniforms in this. We all love mayping.

Hmm, truly may pick folks. We all go to the junks. Yes. And at this point while he's being all right. Let's get to these fucking junks, baby You can keep that one that's good every week that's good yeah, yeah, yeah, I know my own junk Yeah, yeah, I know my own junk Damn it you've got them all Is this for the junk one?

Scott goes to see norm he's like normal somehow still don't know who the bad guys Despite the fact it's like norm. I'm trying to figure this out. I tried to stupid the previous scene But he said we've got to go to got Carol. we've got to go to Straight to the Junk, and then Scott does like, because he sees that Norm has a gun in his desk and he fucking puts it together. So they get on a speed boat, they're heading out to the junk,

and at this point, Norm pulls a gun and he's like, aha, I'm the bad guy. But Scott's like, I am loaded your gun between the scenes, you fool. Diggested. Yeah. Tickets turned tables. It's a move that works even better than pretending you're selling life insurance. Blanche and country Steve McQueen have like injected um carol having jacks of carol.

I remember this bitch's name. I love it. Yeah, I've injected Carol with some kind of like sleeping drug and they're taking her to the junk also. Scott pulls the old fake prisoner routine. If you'd watched this movie and nothing else, you'd get the concept that human being spend like 45% of their lives unconscious. Not like sleeping either.

I mean, I just knocked out. Just knocked just in places, going to bed and like, you know, a big mallet like hits me over the head. I should say, by the way, that I'm working off of the synopsis weirdly detailed Wikipedia synopsis of this auto translated from German. So, oh, thank God, the English one is not good. Yeah. Well, to be honest, at this point, when they get on board the boat, we get a lot of like, people getting disarmed. The gun goes back and forth so much that Scott even makes a joke out of it.

He's like, I'm getting sick to death of this gun. I'm just going to keep hold of it. And it's like, you rock the film like that. Look at this terrible thing. This buttery gun. They keep getting tricked into this one little room below decks on the junk and then the gun changes hands again It'd be slapstick, but it isn't it's desperately boring Everyone has a fight in cow managers uncle chop somebody that's cool and the

She has done all of the work like all of the spy shit. Yeah, she's been really good considering she's not even a spy Yeah, I just want to play over his trains. Relatable. She helps him defeat Conti Steve McQueen as well because she sneaks behind him under gunfire. Yeah. Unlike, you know, punches his gun away from him so that Scott can like punch him off the boat. She's a natural. Yeah, where she gets like held at trident point like Conti Steve McQueen. Yeah, and he's like if you take a step towards me, I'm gonna like try to try and try to You're gonna die like someone who no one has died by trident since gladiator time Yeah, exactly. He doesn't threaten the killer. He's like she's not gonna be so pretty anymore because I'm gonna try to her damn face

You're absolutely right. He threatens to just figure out. Yeah. I mean, this is, you know, because that's what her any worth as a woman is her looks, obviously. This is your life. So Scott, Scott like punches him off of the boat

and the second he hits the water he's dead, he's like fucking GTA Vice City. He's, oh yeah. Yeah. Most one-sided movie fight I have seen my entire life. It's just Michael Scott working the body, working the jaw, but using obstacles.

He's swinging, he does the thing where he pulls the blazer down and completely incapacitates him. He punches him, he hits the water and like, I'll tie air and assassins Creed one. He does instantly on contact with water. There's just nothing in the rest of the movie that hinted that fight was gonna be that one-sided. It was completely awash.

Yeah, if anything, Cody Steve McQueen was talking himself up, he gets his eyes sounded to him. He did like a 30-hit combo. If he doesn't have the tire, he's fucked, he's gone nothing. I have one move. I needed empty tire. I want to move into the trumpet tire on you.

I need to be one floor above my opponent at all times, or I'm literally fucked. Norm and Blanche are trapped below deck, and Norm reveals that he's planted a time phone on the boat. But he now can't escape. Why did you do that? This was your boat This imagine hearing this from the guy that you've just trapped below decks God let me out

The time bomb on board Sounds like a year problem This is your boat just leave That's like a year problem, Emma. What are you doing? This is you about. Just leave. Norman, man, what are you doing? He goes into rescue Blanche specifically.

Norm fakes him out. Yeah. Because they also manages to set, you set the fucking boat on fire because Blanche and Norm fight because Blanche is like, you were planning to blow us up and cover your tracks. You would, you just were using us, fuck you. Yeah.

He knocks her out and starts a fire and he goes like, Steve, there's a fire down here. I've also started a fire, Steve. He's like, what is with this guy? It's like really making yourself as like pathetic as possible. Like as threatened as possible in hopes that the guy takes pity. Steve. Steve, I've been to help me.

And they kept to Steve and he's just making out five feet away from the door. I've skinned my knee. I also pissed myself. Just above text kissing. They're like, I should probably go check on Norman. He seems to have really fucked it up. Well, the smoke starts coming out and he's like, oh, damn, they really are on the side. Yeah, kind of a false ending.

So the real Hong Kong police turn up with MAPing in uniform, which Hello. And Norm Fakes Scott out because he gets below deck and I have snitches the smoke from the fire. And Blanche has been knocked out because Norm knocked her out and says, help me carry her. And Scott runs up to him and Norm uncle chops him on the back and runs for it. And but he ends up getting hit by a falling beam and kills. Yeah, he dies so unceremoniously and as a result of nothing. He just walks out there and the fire that he's set in the course of this fight just drops a beam on him and he's just having a problem.

He's right there, but Carol is unconscious and below decks and what Steve does here, and this is not blanchers. That's blanch. Carol? They're playing it own right great we love these ladies that's just below deck she's unconscious and Steve goes oh and leaves her yeah time to stop the This is such a bad job of it, man. Like this whole thing could have been dealt with so much more easily. Yeah, you should have rescued her.

Yeah. Like at every opportunity, this whole mission has gone completely wrong. They didn't want to shoot her getting arrested. So instead, they just like blow her up. And the last shot is her is like him and and Carol kissing in a totally like unearned way and and that's that's that's red dragon that's red dragon the secret of three junks I don't know yeah yeah that's a horrible looking little That's a horrible looking little thing. It wasn't good.

I don't know. I'm going to sleep. That's my review of Red Dragon. Yeah. I feel the same way. I have coronavirus right now. And I've got to sleep after this. I'm going to go to sleep.

I, the thing is, we got to stop doing the Euro spy movies. We got it. I'm sure there are good ones. This isn't one. This wasn't even really fun to make fun of. This was just like mining, man. It's like I'm working so hard. I don't dispute that I have a real job anymore.

There is the, yeah, the sucked. But how did you feel about it? Alex, I sure you've not seen that many Euro spy movies. How does it happen to you? Yeah, it's just hold up. So the little, you know, the stuff that you've all probably gone numb to, which is the instant karate chops to make someone go unconscious or entertaining for me

every time. The Uncle Chop. All of the 60s like rampant misogyny stuff was very funny to me. Had a lot of fun. It was objectively a bad movie. Like I would never, I would never contend that this is a good movie, but here's what I liked about this that I do not get for movies that come out in 2024, which is it is 90 exact minutes long and then over.

And you get to leave. That's fine for me. You could tell that we're like running like a clock as well. Post credit scene, you know. Yeah, he doesn't show his parents the girl he arrested. But I watched the new Wonka. I watched the new Wonka two weeks ago, and I was in the theater with my family being like,

yeah, that wasn't so bad. I mean, it was like 200 minutes or whatever. It was pretty good. But you know, like if that was a hundred, if that was exactly 90 minutes like this is, I would have had a great time with that too. We got to bring about a 90 minute movie. Yeah.

There's no reason for them to be this long. Yeah. But we don't have to speculate though. We have a science-based system on this co-cast. It's called the scum system. It sounds a smarm, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny on a scale of one to seven. So how smarmy is this movie? Bearing in mind the...

Well, you've been a very good guy. Kind of...ness of it. A lot of that's going to come under misogyny. You just don't really have like one line. That's all that much. No. The things he says seem random and unerred in a way that does keep you guessing. Yes. It's just kind of, it does keep you guessing. I will say that about the movie. He's got a few little things. He's got like, well, that's a horrible little thing. And then he's got the bit where he's asleep. Never trust a man I'm like, he keeps calling her, a lot of

this is going to come into misogyny, but he just keep calling her like, you're my favorite girl and like, how's my best girl? Good girl. Yeah, he doesn't have a ton of smarmy lines. Like, he doesn't have the bond lines where he kills a guy and then does the like thing, you know, that does the one liner. He doesn't do that. That haven't been invented yet. Basically, true. I don't know. I could see this going up to like a four or five.

Yeah, I could give it a four. Cultural insensitivity. Cultural insensitivity. Yeah, no, I mean. It's weird. I've never been, like our stance has always been a mission is blanket to, right? Because you have to pretend that people who aren't white don't exist. And that is culture insensitive,

even if there's no one of color actually in the movie to be made fun of. However, this is the only time I've ever felt like we need to do the omission thing despite having the whole film set in Hong Kong. Yeah, there is nobody. It's a gracious, it's a leaving guy. It's just my fake, it's my thing in the henchman.

And then a fisherman who would rather not talk to you in a totally understandable way. At least he's like humanized, like he has a family that he cares about, I guess. They do humanize one person of color and that is so good for the set, for the 60s. That's better than we can imagine. The rest of the time, even just the way they shoot street scenes and stuff, they're pushing people out of the way, it's just kind of like, it's just contemptuous more than anything. It could be anywhere, it's just so. I thought part of the point of filming these Euro spy movies was to be like, check out

these cool exotic destinations. Now with the magic of air travel, you too can go to Hong Kong. And it's like, no, they didn't want to be in Hong Kong. But like, if we don't give a shit about this place, it sucks and we're racist about the food. It's just. Yeah, six. He didn't even enjoy his one man, Rickshaw. That's true.

The most racist mode of transport, he didn't even like it. If you're taking a one man, Rickshaw, like they're just pulling you, you could just walk. That's right. What are you paying that for? Yeah. Just don't wanna.

I just don't wanna. I'm so tired. Unprovoked violence. I mean, when he gets detected in the warehouse, he does just like shoot one guy out of hand. And it's not even the guy who sees him. He like shoots the guy's friend. I choose to believe he didn't mean to,

because I'm basically not on all of the rest of his discharges and I just, I reckon that one was probably an English and success. Well, he killed the guy with it. I didn't even know if that is kind of a bit like, I'll give him a couple of points for that. He does come, is it violence to not save a woman? Yes, it is actually. Yeah, he should have done that. I was getting points for that.

As you see to intervene, yes. Carol wanted blanche out of the way. I don't know. It's going to be, he's not like killing hordes of people like fucking Rambo. So like three or four, right? Yeah, I don't want go lower than a four, cause he does the law in a conscious woman to die. That's not cool, he shouldn't do that. And then last of all misogyny.

Seven. It's gonna be. I mean, never trust a man. From the scene where he's like touching her bra, he's so fucking patronizing. The depiction of women in his film was like Carol's obviously in love with him for no fucking reason. Of course.

Of course. Robat, Sam, yeah. Yeah. In which case, where does that leave us? That gives us a total score of 21, which is pretty bad. Do we feel like any characters went above and beyond the call of duty? Like anyone who's really went above and beyond at all, it's so by the numbers.

Nothing memorable about this one. Do not watch this, you don't need to do that. We made Alex watch it, and that's enough people, you know? Can I just say as well that I don't back and looking at the scores from the man from Uncle Movies. Those were so much better than the things that were being made at the same time. But the man from Uncle Moves is a consistent at the 15, 14, 11, 12, like they knew how to do it.

The Uncle Boys, I miss them. They're Uncle Boys. They're a lot of the games. Napoleon's solo and Ilya Kuryak in the true kings of this podcast, I think. Honestly though, but yeah, that's that's's red dragon. Do not watch this movie. That's. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Alex, thank you for enduring this with us. Thank you for having me. I had nothing better to do. I have COVID-19. Oh, it's it's out pleasure. I've to get you back home for a better one. If the people want more Alex working, they find you. Oh, you should go to the one-stop shop

that is the Quarator's YouTube page. We have recently been fired for truth. You must support the show. Oh, shame. Oh, yeah. Also, Devon's been on once. That's true. And, and, and, and, it is extremely funny. I had a little one that's been on and Justin Rosny, I keep it as well. So, oh, I guess I wasn't, I wasn't funny enough to find one. Alice, you're the missing element. Kill yourself. We will have to get you back at some point, Alex, because we've never done a Dragon Ball Z movie

on this podcast about masculinity. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to.

We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried to. We tried is stopping this from happening. Mysterious Alice. If we got you as well, it's more like, she cannot stop us. Which one would you do? I don't know. We tried to do the one-weathered E to become the Super Saiyan God, but it didn't work

in my schedule, was? I mean, I took a lot of roles. If you were an hour and a half, any time, but... Yeah, I'd be keen to go back to some of the older ones too. I'm just sitting here like, what are you three fucking talking about? If you could just show Alice, tree of might, the whole situation change.

Oh, no, that's not a good one. Don't. We're not doing that. We're not going to do this one. The original one might be good. The original one. No, no. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast.

We hope to do a limited number more Euros by movies in 2024. I'll say this for you. The end is in sight. We're nearly there. Yeah. It's almost over. We will see you next time. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye everyone. Bye! Bye-bye! Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Next episode. In two weeks time, on the free feed is the man in Istanbul. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then next week, on the Patreon Patreon.com slash Kill James Bond, all one word, 5 lbs a month minimum. As the cost of being gets harder and harder,

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