Upstream - S3E12: That Man in Istanbul

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

Alright, thats quite enough vaguely muddling through the depths of Eurospy. Going forward, it's Bangers Only- and kicking that off is That Man in Istanbul, or as it will come to be known, the Ballad of Tony Mercedes. But we simply couldn't do it alone. Joining us on this episode is A.J. from The Worst of All Possible Worlds!  ------ FREE PALESTINE palestineaction.org/donate https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Whatever your number is, it's up. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. Do you have to make fun of me for opening every episode for this side? The theme song has a really long fade out and I'm never quite sure when to come in. No, it's just because I always take it as you being sick of it. For fuck's sake, well... This time she's just like sick, like illness. It's... yeah, I do have the novel coronavirus.

I'm sorry, you can do that again. No, no, no, leave all of this in. It's another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Alas, Cawdorke Alley. I am joined as always by my friends Abigail, Thorn and Devon. Hello. By my new friends, a shitload of novel coronaviruses. A very special guest. It's AJ from the worst of all possible worlds. AJ, how's it going? Hello, everyone. Thank you for having me or should I say ciao? Ciao A.J. We are continuing with our season of solidarity of Euro spy movies.

We are so solid. We're maximally rigid right now, you know. That's just the to Dalafil. I'll go down in a bit. We are watching that man in Istanbul or Istanbul 65 or about five other different titles. And this one I'm told is a comedy. So, you know, laugh a minute apparently. That's the reaction you want from a comedy. It's like what? It was pretty funny.

Was it? I didn't realize that. I thought it was just like a slightly lighter in tone than normal spy movie. The action scenes have sort of a Looney Tunes vibe to them. You know, there's a lot of fly in all over the place. In the same way that like some of the Roger Moore films are quote unquote comedies, it's like not really. Sure. And let me just sort of complain about a technical thing,

first of all. Just to really get the, you know, sort of high energy that we're going to carry forward on this one. This is so the print of this that we got is in like 2p, not 1080p, not even 240p, like 2p. And that's how you know it's going to be good. That's like usually a good sign, right? And I will say this, just to set out the store, since the dawn of cinema,

many films have attempted to capture the Kill James Bond aesthetic. And I don't think any film bar cars to has killed James as hard as this has bonded. It's pretty fucking kill James Bond. I don't know if that means it's good, but it's good for us. It's almost as kill James Bond as the 1964 Casino Royale, which was just the movie that we wrote and forgot we wrote. A few times watching this, I had to kind of like sanity check myself that I wasn't hallucinating.

Yeah. I mean, even these goons at the beginning with the stockings on their heads, it kind of looked like NPCs that hadn't fully rendered yet. And the pantyhose bandits like gold. I am 64. It's like, I kept trying to crouch and chop them, but it was just very ineffectual. Yeah, we start with this double o nine scene. And we see some guys wearing the like, you know, 70s like blagger, armed from a classic pulling a pair of tights over your head.

Yeah, the tights that make you completely unrecognizable. I don't know how this works. I can recognize these people quite easily. The very first note was like, back in a day, this was sufficient to render you completely unrecognizable. Incognito. Yeah, one of them, by the way, Spitz Elon Musk will put him up in the episode.

Truly. Elon and the boys roll up in some sick cars. They're all henchmen. They get to a small landing ship and they meet a small plane landing in the woods. Dr. Parval, I'm CIA, etc. One thing I will say, not to keep palping on the tights thing, but they could have had a higher DNA. Like these are sheer. They could have even been black. They're nude tights, Matt. Yeah. It looks like an action scene rendered by AI. And I'm like,

this is 65. They were really ahead of their time. But I was also struck by the music here, which is just like, if Philip Glass deconstructed the Bond theme, it was. Yeah. It's cool. We'll talk about the music. Yeah. Every single piece of music in this film is some strange alteration of the Bond theme.

I love disobeying copyright law is the thing. So these two guys that get out of the plane, one of them has a suitcase full of million dollars in cash. Hand cuff to his wrist, which by the way, you seldom see a briefcase handcuffed to someone's wrist these days. And I think that's a real shame in terms of like romance in the world. I would love to have a briefcase handcuffed.

Well, it's now that money's on the computers, you can't do it. You'd have to handcuff like a laptop to your wrist. Oh, I just want a laptop. I already feel like that sometimes. Oh, sorry. Oh, Devin. Oh, no.

They have two guys. One has the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. The other guy is doing the least subtle surveillance photography in the world. He's just like looking at all of these guys with tights over their head and clicking his like big ostentatious type in. This man is the Bruce Gildan of surveillance photography. He's up there. He's got like two flashes. It's incredible. It's unsubtle. He's doing a surveillance oil painting of these guys. Hold on. Stand still. I'm getting the face. I'm getting the face.

And Elon and the lads, they bring a sweaty looking dude out of the car and they hand him over. So they've done like an exchange money for the guy, right? And then the two guys, they get back on the plane with the sweaty dude and then they take off and then they call it in and they're like, ah, this is the FBI calling the rest of the FBI. We got him like mission accomplished. Close. Well, I'll tell you, it's actually this is slam calling Walter and I wrote that down in

full caps because it's a sick nasty sentence What a set of fucking nicknames for your spies to have Don't get attached to Walter's not a great nickname. Everybody get up. It's time to slam now. We got a real jam because the It's a clock, baby the guy the guy in the backseat is like sweating Buckets and you realize as the sort of ticking sound intensifies that they've done the Dark Knight

Metal Gear Solid Ground Zero thing on his ass. They have implanted a bomb in my guy and He's ticking as well like the fucking And he's ticking as well, like the fucking Very loudly. It's like, well, this guy, motherfucker. He's got a bomb in him and it explodes, cuts off. He's like, I'm sorry, I just have a small tick. Fuck. And we cut to, I guess, the CIA or whoever the hell it is.

Yeah, this is the M scene. Professor Pendergast has been kidnapped. Yeah. Oh, so we have an atomic scientist who's been kidnapped, very man-promoted. And M is breathing like a whole room full of agents. And he's like, we, the US government paid a million dollars to get Professor Pendergast back. Yeah, we sent these two guys to go get him.

And now they're fucking toast. They blew him up. Yeah, well, out a million dollars and two guys. However, we have recovered some of the like bodies from the crash site. Very small piece. They recovered a foot. Yeah. Just in case you want to.

X-ray of a foot. Why does he say foot so declaratively? Foot. I am half listening for this whole briefing scene because... I'm going to talk about the fucking projector. Please talk about the projector. There's a slide projector in this scene and when M goes... Next slide please, show me the x-ray of this guy's foot.

It's got a horizontal slide magazine thing that reciprocates and it's motorized. So the guy pushes the button, the whole like carriage of the projector goes like out to one side and then recoils. It's perfect. I believe it's a Bell TDC Selectron. Don't quote me on that. Someone in the crowd says Bell Selectron. TDC Headliner 303 and that is the Bell and Howell 703 Electric Changer. Thanks to McFiegel in the discord. This has been the Kill James Bond Sly Projector segment. Pick it up!

If it's a pretty good deal, I'm sure it's fucking expensive as all hell. It has enlarging technology. This segment is brought to you by Autism. The podcast is brought to you by autism. The podcast is brought to you by autism. I love that the guy operating the projector is wearing a lab coat to do it as well, which is something I 100% would do. But he says, look, we recovered a foot, we x-rayed it, and it's not Professor Pendergast's foot because we can tell.

Because he broke his toes when he kicked the Oric High helmet in that one scene. He broke his toes on the grassy knoll because Ken says, by, you know, completely unremarked, yeah, this is an X-ray of the real guy taken at Dallas hospital two years ago. This movie came out in 1965. Oh, no. This man broke his foot in Dallas in 1963. I think that raises- He kicked JFK. That's what JFK said. Kicked his helmet.

63. I think that raises JFK. Like a really long flying kick from the book depository window. In the Zapruder film, when JFK's head explodes, he actually did get shot for real. And that's how he was able to sell that so convincingly. It's so impressive. He kicked his head off like fucking street fighter. Anyway, so we've been fooled. The real professor is still out there, right? And at this point, we get a call from the president, which I like.

Yes, we do. But how do we know it's the president? How do we know it's LBJ? Thankfully, M has behind him a full-size light-up phone-activated LBJ portrait. And so as he picks up the phone to talk to the president, LBJ just lights up on the wall just so you know. And he turns around to look at the picture while he's talking to the camera. I can't text.

I cheered. Yes, Mr. President. I cheered. Does he have one of those for every one of those three phones? Like does he have one for like his mom he picks up and just like lights up on the wall? Hello, mommy. Just to be clear, there's one thing we know about LBJ, right? Which is that as far as using force, he was a pussy.

And so therefore, he gets off the phone with LBJ, and I really like the crowd reaction in this. He tells the spies... Diplomatic channels. Oh. They're not gonna let us do any spy shit. They're not gonna let us do spy shit. They'll do it democratically.

Yeah, there'll be no spy movie today. I'll tell the agents. All the spies walk out of the room like kicking their feet. It's been like, oh man. Throwing their popcorn in the trash. Throwing their hats on the ground. Apart from one. And at this point, we meet our bond for this movie.

And it's a woman. It's a woman. Oh, Kenny. Let's go. Yeah, she's only ever addressed by surname, which is Kenny in the dub. Although IMDB and Wikipedia both make her Kelly, which is very gratifying. She looks a bit like the female psychologist in Mindhunter. Oh, yeah.

I have 1960s woman dysphoria. I gotta stop making you watch 1960s women's films. I will never stop doing it. Gone to your head giving you dysphoria. She says I noticed something in one of the slides, like wind back. And that there's a guy in the background of one of the slides examining the plane wreckage. Yeah, she does the like enhanced thing. Yeah, she says, this guy's Tony Messino. He's like a known crook operating out of East Stand Bull. He used to be American.

What's he doing here? He must have something to do with it. Send me to East Stand Bull under cover of quote unquote vacation, and I will investigate the situation. Yeah. And M's like, no. Absolutely not, no. Yeah, and she tries to like bully him by being a bit like pouty about it,

which I don't love, but I do love that we have a female agent who is doing stuff. I just think it's so wild that instead of saying enhanced, she says enlarge and I just feel like that should be incorporated into more shows where things need to be enhanced just to scream in large. Yeah, large it baby. Yeah. She pulls up the enlargement and she goes, I know that motherfucker. That's Tony Mercedes.

He pulled this shit in fucking Vegas one time. Yeah, that's Tony Mycenae. He founded a city that sort of controlled part of the Peloponnes. That's Tony Myciliam. He's got frunkers in his brain. Tony McDonald's. He enfranchised a series of restaurants. It's Tony Montana. Look out! He enfranchised a series of restaurants. It's Tony Montana. Look out! Yeah, so fucking she's like send me to Istanbul so I can like deal with Tony Montana and get this guy's tyclip camera back out of the morgue.

Because like the Russians or the Chinese the Chinese have it. I think we get at this point M says there's only one person one country in the world who could be interested in nuclear secrets from like this professor and it's China. It's China time. says there's only one person, one country in the world who could be interested in nuclear secrets from like this professor and it's China. It's China time. I, yes, I kind of put my head in my hands. I guess I thought the Soviet Union was like passe in the 60s because of like the sort

of Khrushchev mini-thor or something, but anytime that one of these movies does like, oh, it's China, I'm bracing myself. And let me tell you, given the number of my notes that just say in all caps racist moment, I was right to. Yeah. The majority of my notes are yikes and oh no. Yeah. So she, she obviously, she's going to go to Istanbul anyway.

And we get the titles, which kind of like 60s Euro spike cowboy bebop almost. That's what I wrote cowboy bebop. I've kind of pumped. I like them, right? Or maybe venture bros a little bit too. Like it's really cool. They're actually really good. Yeah.

I guess at this point I was excited for the movie. Yeah, me too. I was on board. I was like, all right, we got a good Bond Brackets woman. Let's do it. And not in an atomic blonde exploitation way. That's right. So she goes to Istanbul. She stops traffic, right? Every single man in Istanbul wants to fuck this woman.

They're all right to do it. But incidentally, one of them is Tony, who is in a red Jaguar E-type. His Mercedes. Tony's Mercedes. His Jaguar Mercedes wearing a black and white check trilby for some fucking reason. So good. Ring a ding ding, baby.

Big Pharah sunglasses grinning at the scene. This is the first shot we see of him. And I'm just like, perfect. Conti Josh award in Sartorial Excellence immediately. Yeah, definitely. And he hits us with this catchphrase, which is just the word chow. And he really tries to make this happen over the course of the film and never once does it happen.

No, he tries his best. But now we follow him. We get bored of Kenny immediately, which will happen a bunch of times. And we just followed this guy in his get bored of Kenny immediately, which will happen a bunch of times. And we just followed this guy in his admittedly sick Jaguar-y type and I write down, you will never go to 1960s Istanbul. Which really upset me.

1980s Hong Kong, I can't go there. I can't go to 60s Istanbul. And like this movie does have a certain amount of like it shoots Istanbul in a place that makes it like, look good and interesting. It sort of like appreciates its setting, which I like. We get some nightlife too. He like, he drives through the nightlife district. We get a bunch of sort of like neon signs and stuff.

And the cops, the cops chase him. And we get maybe the perfect Eurospy cop escaping technique, which is that he smirks a bit and drives slightly faster than them and just perfectly outruns them. Foiled again! See some cops in the rear view and then he pushes down on the accelerator and he's done. It was totally chase. Turkish police cars were never supplied with accelerators. It was sort of a weird like Ataturk all over the place.

He goes to a bar and then he goes backstage through a secret door. A obligatory belly dancer, of course. At this point, we meet his two criminal associates. One is called Brain and one is called Bogo. Yeah, love them. They're Bogo and the Brain. Yes. I love both of these guys so much. Bogo and the Brain are my boys. Yeah, love them. They're Bogo and the Brain. Yes. I love both of these guys so much. Bogo and the Brain, my boys.

I love these boys. One's the magician, the other's in pain. Yeah. Yeah, one's the magician, the other's a mentor. What do we get into? I should also say at this point, Tony is wearing a white tuxedo. And it's sort of giving Casablanca dinner theater

at this point. Yeah, it's cool. And the deal is he has this club and then below like on a subterranean level, he has a secret illegal gambling den, right? Which he runs with his two best friends. Yeah. And in order for anyone to enter this gambling den, they have to go down a secret elevator and through a second wardrobe full of clothes. Fantastic. And I mean, at that point, if you've made it to the elevator,

you don't have to go through another layer of coats. You can just enter into the space. If the cops find that elevator and there's just nothing in there, but like another wardrobe, they're going to give up. There's no way they'll go into the elevator. A wardrobe down to an elevator that goes down to another wardrobe is a very funny idea. Speaking of cops though, it turns out that maybe the Euros by cop evasion technique is not the best thing ever because the cops just

immediately raid the place. Yeah, they've got a Zenergater. Yes, I wrote this down too, word for word. The thing is right, I love an inspector and this is one of the inspectors par excellence. So truly the cops are led here by Inspector Malouk, a man whose gender is inspector and whose sole mission is to catch Tony Montana in the act of running an illegal gambling den. Unfortunately for him, Tony Mycelium, his his thing descends into the ground. He walks into the room and onto theium, his thing descends into the ground. He walks into the room and onto the fucking table as it descends into the ground and goes, which did a bit of redecorating for a second here, boys.

All the gambling stuff flips around and hides. It's very cool. It's sick. Yeah. Much like a D&D NPC, he's just exposed to a sort of rapid fire amount of bullshit from every person he talks to. Extremely ring-a-ding-ding, baby, this scene. Yeah.

The inspector comes in and everyone's just like sitting around, not cabling. They're watching a magician. And here's the thing, if you walk into a room and you see a magician, first of all, you should know you're an imminent danger. And second of all, something really terrible has just happened in that room. He pans it off, he because Burgo is the vice chair of the magicians union. Yeah, and Maluk says, I believe the vice part,

which is a sick line. So fucking good. Just like doing banter on, just like make the whole movie this. Make the whole movie. My soul sort of like take away from this movie so far is that I want the intellectual property rights to inspect in Maluk. I want about 8,000 pieces of fan fiction and more inspectors, you know?

Yeah, I wish there were more of him in the movie. Like he just vanishes for long stretches of time. Yeah, it's a shame. Many of them do. My note at this point was that this whole thing should have been a stage musical easily. Honestly. Because I could have seen this whole scene where everything is going to shit. By the way, everything starts going to shit.

One of the guys as like it's been played off, the cops are about to leave. And as he's going, one of the gamblers is like, I need to cash in my chips, bro. And Tony's like, just trying to fucking ignore him. And then he starts throwing chairs around. Yeah, the lightning fast instant chair throw reaction. I noted this. Tony Macaroni fast instant chair throw a reaction. I noted this. Tony Macaroni's AI is set to hostile. When this guy asks the cash chips, Tony like punches him and starts a comedic brawl.

The second one chair gets thrown, what are you not going to throw a chair? License is there. He just whips that shit like really fast as well. But so throughout this, the cops are standing back. Malouk is sitting on the stage smoking a cigar, doing perfect like Jean Tujardin, like facial comedy acting. Just like he's just grinning and smoking and watching all of this play out. And finally, as the brawl kind of progresses,

he just gives his boys the nod and the cops all pile in. It's perfect. We don't make movies like this anymore. We simply don't. There's one point during this that I want to highlight, only one, which is that a bird gets hit by a champagne cork and I stood up from it. Like, just a little parent. Not really, but like, and again, I guess this wasn't the era of no animals were harmed in the making this movie.

So they could have done it. Oh, they harmed so many animals. I know, like, champagne corks go pretty fast and little birds are fragile. They've got little bones. Oh, we don't see the bird again. Yeah, no, the bird is dead. The bird is fucking terminated. Satash shape.

It was one day to retirement. There is, there is however a racist moment though, which is. Yes, there is. So he has he has a third boy who gets barely any screen time for racist reasons. This is Ali, who runs this kind of like gambling side of the gambling den. And Ali kind of gets like thrown a woman to menace comedically. Yes, he does.

Oh, he doesn't actually menace her. He just kind of like is like, ooh, scary, but it's uncomfortable. Yeah. Tony, Tony Mercedes picks her up and she's like, oh, Tony. And he like hands her off to him and he menaces her and she goes, oh, and it's like, I would be fucking hate to be mannaced. I would fucking hate to be mannaced. Anyway, um, they get away and, uh, Tony goes into his office and who is there? But Kenny.

Yeah. I have no idea what's happening in this scene. He asks her to undress and then it's implied that she does undress, but she does it. Right? So, so her, no, she does. So like the thing is just not shown. It's just edited very bad. Okay. So what it is, is she tries to like pass herself off as an aspiring stripper, right?

She's looking for work. He assumes it's stripping. Infiltrate the organization. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, okay, fine. Well, take all of your clothes off. And then he doesn't even fucking look at her. He gets, he makes his boy tell him if she's hot

and this guy is inspecting her like a mechanic. Yeah, his boy brain. Yeah, his boy brain is like compiling databases on various of women and is kind of like appraising her. It's kind of, again, if a woman did this to me, etc, etc. But like, he also has a slightly offensive nickname for her. Oh, I have like three different drops because he never misses a chance to call her fat. And she is catastrophically miscast even by 1960s standards, if so. Show me this baby fat out, a big girl like you tighten your judo belt around that 22 inch waist

Do you realize I would have to remove like several organs and like probably like half of my fucking butt I'd have to be bisected to have 22 inch waist when I was absolute like twink maxing right when I was 20-something years old and low 20 something and I weighed like 120 pounds, like 55 kilograms, my waist size was 26 inches and I considered that to be like alarmingly skinny. 22 inches is like- Sorry, I've just heard the words twink 22 inch waist and bisected in rapid succession

and I'm just struggling at the moment. The last person I met with a 22 inch waist left my flat with teeth marks. That twink. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like,

to say that a 22 inch waist makes someone fat is like, that's like, unbelievable. The thing is right. It's it's not great to get 1960s woman dysphoria, but it's really really bad to get 1960s woman eating disorder and I'm trying my hardest not to. Bad enough having the 2024 version. The most generous version I could like take about this is that he's being ironic in using the nickname, but then he always doubles down and says, No, I actually think you're fast.

It's really gross and weird. He's also top nude for most of this scene. And, you know, it is nice to see my exact torso weirdly on screen, but it, I, I, he just, I don't know why he keeps getting top nude. What are you doing later? You want to pop that hoodie off from the shower? This is I think qualifies as workplace sexual harassment. Oh, it does, doesn't it? All right. Well, in any case, we talk about

seeing representation on screen, you know, and it is it is very nice to finally see a fleshy muppet like myself be sexualized in this way. But he gets top nude so much throughout the movie that it does feel like you just like, yeah, but something like you think I'm sexy, right? It starts to feel like he's compensating for something in a very real. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. So now now we switch back to her. We've got a kind of like swapping characters thing.

She's got to go to this morgue, which is in the middle of the one cemetery in Istanbul. Everybody says like the Istanbul cemetery, which always reminds me of a line in Alpha Protocol, where someone says the Museum of Art in Rome that just sticks with me. Yeah, it's the one that they have. So she goes to Istanbul cemetery and as she's about to go to the more racist moment. Some real menacing, some real. Yeah. So a guy menaces her. He's wearing like a straw hat, right, which just seems like regular gardener shit to me until we pull back a bit and I realize she gets to fight a bit, but mostly it's running,

which is not great, but whatever. But then she runs into Tony, who has been stalking her outside, and she goes... Back there. A Chinese. And you realize, oh, that guy's wearing a straw hat in a racist way, and he's got the like long ponytail, like like a man shoe. It's he was doing the accent too. And that this man is not Chinese.

Let's be very clear. This is a white man. No. Oh, dear. Yeah. And and, you know, she does flip him like there's there's like fun action stuff in here, but it's just it's so overshadowed by the fact that the man has this the high top ponytail that it's just it's just, it's very bad. It's very rough. It's really fucking egregious.

It doesn't get better either. Oh no, but there actually are some Chinese actors at least later on. You know, it's not completely, I don't know why I'm defending this movie, please at least someone save me. The thing about being a racist movie is at least it'll give you work if you happen to

be an actor of the race, but they want to be racist against. Not always. Ask this man. Yeah, that was the punchline I was going to get to, but that's like degrading work also. Yeah. So at this point we go from bad to worse because Tony Maskey then takes her to a place. He takes her up a tower.

Yeah. And then he sexually assaults her on camera. That is, that is a tower. Yeah. And then he sexually assaults her on camera. That is that is what happens. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's the bond thing again of like kissing a woman who is not into it until she is into it miraculously through your force of personality. And then he calls a fat again.

That's where the 22 inch waistline comes in is he literally like sexually assaults her and then goes like fat much, which incredible succession of things to have. He seems like a horribles her and then goes like fatmuch, which incredible succession of things to have. He seems like a horrible kisser too. Like not for nothing, but like even in the scenes where it is being reciprocated, it just looks like it's teeth forward. Like it's not, it does not look like a pleasant experience because Tony, Miss Anus, I have no idea what his actual last name is anymore.

I'm going to keep forcing Miss Anus to a stand. So Tony Mannholt covers. Yes. She, she, she like asks him about Professor Prandegast on the apprehension that it's Tony who kidnapped him because he's in the photos. Right. And also at this point he's like, I know you're an agent. I know your name and your cover's completely fucking black.

Yes. Because in the scene where, as she leaves the room after stripping off for him and getting called fat, he asks Brain about it and Brain's like, yeah, her dress is label is from Washington. And he goes, like, open the files, Brain, which is another catchphrase we try to make happen. What else is there? Brain's eyes roll back into his head

and he goes, she's an FBI agent. She's 100% an FBI agent. It was nice they got Harvey Fierstein to dub all of Brains lines. That was really lovely. I have a line of his where he just perfectly says, What? What?

What? What's your... That's like a ghoul. Edda. One of my favorite lines of his, there's like an error in it and it sounds a bit like it's been remixed, which is... And the other had a steel hand.

I was like, yeah, okay. Spin and fire this film. Goddamn. She says, where's Professor Prendegas and he denies any knowledge? He denies it and gives us some of his backstory. And he is, he is beefing with an atomic science professor because his gangbusters, he says, his like Elliot Ness guys killed his dad, Tony Mannhawk, I was senior because he was a gangster

or like was falsely accused of being a gangster. And so they wronged him and they made him into a crook. And then for some reason, I guess the US government deported him to Turkey as a joke. She's like, you got to help us. And he's like, why? And she's like, it's world peace. You got to help the government. And then he's like, but I don't like the government. Deporting this motherfucker to like Istanbul, though, who is like, ostensibly not Turkish at all. Like my man got exiled.

He got ostracized. He shows it at a random point. Ostracize is when they deport you to Austria as well. One of the things that kept me very entertained while watching this movie was just imagining that it was like a fan fiction for a West Side Story sequel and that this was what happened to Tony. I think it really plays into the whole musical aspect, Devin. I think so.

I hadn't really pictured this as a musical, but now that's all my brain can think about. I think it'd be great. So her plan, I should say, to be clear at this point, is to get to that one lead, go to him, and like just straight up beg him for help. Yeah. Well, her cover's brilliant. I feel like back in the day, Abby, you created an award for a film that has a villain whose backstory is, I've been fucked over 100% by the United States and it just isn't at all addressed by the hero.

I think we created an award for people, for villains who are right. Yes, that's the other one. I'm trying to remember the name of the thing. I don't know if I would give it to him because he's endangering the entire world by doing this. So it's like someone's office. But he's serving. He's like, okay. And also like she's like hitting on him and the other kiss at this point. But he says, no, I'm not going to do it.

And they kiss and she picks his pocket. So when he gets back home, she's already led herself into his house and she's like wearing his dressing gown and nothing else. Looks like two of us can be taught. So she's like the second strategy for recruiting you is pussy. Yeah. So again, to run down the plan here, plan A, beg plan B. The plan A was disguise yourself as a stripper. Sorry. Yeah. That's okay.

Plan A, disguise yourself as a stripper. Plan B, just confess everything and plead for help. Plan C. You gotta go back to sex. Yeah, you gotta. Yeah. Yeah. Plan B, just confess everything and plead for help. Plan C, use... You gotta go back to sex. Yeah, you gotta. Yeah, yeah. Worst hitman DLC ever.

He says maybe the funniest line in the movie, just apropos of nothing. I suppose I get used to you. I got used to sour balls. Which... This guy loves sour balls. He loves sour balls. That's his thing as well. They're a type of sweet.

Tony Mercedes has a fully formed character, but I feel like they were trying to get him to be in multiple movies and they just didn't. Yeah. Yeah. He's got catchphrases, he's got props. 100%. This guy's got franchise material. I don't know.

I think he does. If you look closely in several scenes, you can see that he just has a sour ball in as well, which is he's just on these all the time. It's embarrassing. He offers one to the cops in an earlier scene. She does manage to say to him now, well, you know, the US government paid a million dollars for Professor Pendergast. If you find him, then you'll find that million dollars. And this is what gets him to go. Is that well? Yeah. Hold on at this point they Presumably shock. Yeah, not sure

My next notes just say racist moment and then the next one after that says several racist moments So we're jumping ahead. She jumps out on him. She leaves him She she's in the in the fucking towel or whatever and yeah He can't decide whether or not he wants to be in the shower or not He goes in gets fully wet comes back out and then goes back in and then turns it off. Yeah, she's talking to him. Oh wait, I know how we get to racist moments. We get to racist moments because she talks him into like infiltrating the...

China headquarters? Yeah, the headquarters of China. Is this meant to be the embassy? I guess that would be the headquarters of China. It wouldn't be the embassy because the capital of Turkey is Ankara. It might be the consulate. That's true. I should be taken outside and beaten like a dog.

Even it's not Constantinople? Yeah. I had a deal in Constantinople, but she was waiting in Istanbul. Fucked up. So he like infiltrates this this building, right? In a series of racist moments, right? Yeah, he's sneaking around. Yeah, he also sends Bogo and Brain out to just hunt down a Chinese guy as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Find someone. Just go do a do a hate crime, you know. He gets past one guy who, I love this first guard because he's just instead of guarding anything, he's just doing like pool trick shots for fun on his own with no one watching, which is a fun way to spend your time. Seeing yourself represented in cinema. At this point, he gets spotted by the butler and the butler says like, can I help you, sir? And he says it in the voice. You know the voice I mean.

And Tony Malaprasapropism says, I'm looking for the office of Singh Wu Chu. Now, is that him inventing a racist name? Because no, no, no, no. Mr. Singh does not come back. That doesn't appear to be anyone credited as that in the movie. So that might just be like a racist name. He beats this guy up.

He like uncle chops his butler unconscious. But all the butler was trying to do was help. He was like, hey, can I help you fight? Oh no. And he's like instantly dead. And then this is the thing, right? If you hadn't opened it with a series of baffling racist bits, what he does with this poor fucking guy would otherwise be hysterical, would be like peak kill James Bond territory.

Because what he does is he weekend that burnies this guy's unconscious body around to the point he's leading in doors to see what's going on. He makes it check in on every room and there's one room where there's just a bunch of like Chinese guys watching footage of explosions. We take it to be of rockets. They're trying to make rocket fall down. But they're just hearing it explode over like that. The audio is just untranslated Chinese,

which obviously races immediately. And then just the sound of explosions. That's the mise-en-scene for this. Well, they got in touch with Elon Musk from the pre-credits and we're just watching SpaceX rockets exploding. I do want to shout out this first guard with the like pull tricks though because the way Tony gets past him is by throwing a coin hitman style. Yeah. And this guard, he not only doesn't go,

must have been the wind and then stop investigating, he keeps investigating. But then when he finds the unconscious butler whom Tony has propped up like on a piano, again weekend at Bernie's style, he doesn't go and like investigate more on his own, but he calls everyone for help. This guy, text book fucking good. This is the kind of guy who is liable to get like employee of the month. Oh yeah. It's the kind of guy who's liable to get Cronstein Rose.

Employee goon of the month, I believe. Hench employee of the month, 100% is this guy. But Tony Mathematics sneaks into the office and he finds safe that he cracks and he finds the camera inside. In a sort of racially hidden cabinet, by the way. Yeah. And as the Chinese agents burst into the room to apprehend him, he dives out of a window. There's a comedic escape.

He goes out the window. Like this is gonna be... He hits the bricks, baby. Castile. It's, if you've seen it, you'll get this. And it is shot for shot exactly. Hitler diving out of the window in Danger 5. Yeah, fucking rules. It's just another perfect addition to my guys diving out of Windows collection,

but I've got a massive amount of now. Yeah, yeah. This entire sequence is cinema to me. When he jumps onto a rope that, where does that rope come from? We don't know. He goes through a second window onto a serving cart and like surf rides it into the bed of, I guess, just a married couple? Yeah, it's just some guy.

Just a random married couple. Some guy. And the woman goes, Chow Tony. Yeah. I really liked for Chow Tony's, I gotta be honest. He goes through like three consecutive windows. We could legitimately put on YouTube like every single window smash we've had because we've had what, a spectre, this. Yeah, that one's hilarious. Mr. Alexander. Mr. Alexander. The classic. That's the worst one. Castile for a born identity. The guy diving out of the window in one of the early OSS1 and 7. Oh yeah, the agent who kills himself instantly. We've got so many guys going out of window.

It's just, it's one of the best things you can do. It's so funny every time. Right, what the fuck happens next? They got the photos off the camera. Yeah, they got the photos off the camera and these guys are wearing tights. Fucking vindicated and he goes... Do you recognize anyone? No dice. Every damn one of them's got a nylon stocking over his head. Damn you! It works! Unrecognizable, baby. Can't fucking see... 100% it works. There's no way to know who any of these motherfuckers are Tony mnemonic keeps appearing in like Forms of like grease or like soot covered all over him And I never know where it comes from but like every time he like makes a narrow escape and here

He comes out of the sewer, but he's covered in like grease oil Yeah, that's that's the grease pipe. Oh, I see. Oh, I had to go through the grease pipe. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh boy. Every house has one, you know, you got to get your gas in, your water in, your grease.

So they do, they do go through these photos and they notice one thing, which is that one of them has a visible disability. One of them has- Just kill Bill Noyes at like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. The zero in this disability. He has a steel hand. He's like missing a hand and he has like a steel sort of like artificial limb on it. And Brain opens up the files again and he goes, you know, who's got a lot of steel hands? Doc work. Well, actually, first they go, oh, that must be musically this guy's name is Hansie. And they, they say, oh, I remember Hansie, like he has a girlfriend called Josette. So they go

and see her first. And she wearing a bikini, obviously. No, no, no, he genuinely pulls Doc worker out of his arse first. He's he decides on this out of nowhere, but they go and see Josette. And I I do appreciate the both Tony metastasis and brain as a kind of like detective partners. And this one, she's like, yeah, of course, I remember him. Big fellow with a steel hand. He struck me with it. Which in a movie this horny, right, the erotic possibility of the mobility aid or the sort

of manipulation aid, this will raise some questions when we see the steel hand. Yeah, yeah. Question just for clarification sake, is his name Hansi or Hand Zee as in like he's missing a hand. It appears to be Hansi. Okay. Yeah, Hansi or Hand Zee as in like he's missing a hand. It appears to be Hansi. Okay. Yeah, Hansi. Guy with a hand.

I mean, possibly he was that before he lost the hand. I don't know. Yeah, maybe he's just really touchy. Not wanted to have the terminus and strikes again. I just think that like, listen, if Dr. No had stuck to, presumably as this dude is doing like fingering thoughts with the artificial hands, you know, he would still be alive today. He could be like buying new fish windows. He could be. The technology for fish windows has come along so far as well since the 60s. So Tony then gets rid of Josette with a three hit combo that when I saw it, I...

Got a lot of question marks here, but... I think I have COVID. In addition to... This is misogynistic, but also... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He like grabs her ass when she like, gasps, he puts a sour ball in her mouth. And then he flicks her mouth closed at the chin with

one finger. I have COVID. I mean, I'm going to call you on one point. He goes for the front, not the ass. Excuse me. He pops a pussy. Jesus. Okay. Just a side or thigh or something. It's below camera. We don't see. Christ. Like a pedal bin. On the one hand, right? This is kind of hard. The other hand, you can't do that. You need to get enthusiastic consent to do that. And to be clear, we're giving you that. I want to give someone enthusiastic consent to treat me like a pedal bin.

I'm hearing enthusiastic consent here. At this point, we go to the docks and we ask the guy who runs the house on the docs. Old man with a bucket? Yeah. He says, where's Hansy? He goes, no fucking idea. But then we see Hansy is behind him and he's threatening him. Yeah.

And this sets off, every time we see Hansy for the whole next little bit, he's talking into a radio. He's got like, like he's got his ear pods in. And he's just on a radio with like one other guy who's like, handsy, you dipshit, they're following you and handsy is like, oh, fuck. I love the dip. I love his fucking gang because we've met the gang of guys who got brain and bogey. Yeah, I met the good guys. Unfortunately, they're on side now. So we need to meet the gang of bad guys and they're

all on the radio to each other talking shit to each other. They've all got the dirty buds in. They're all, yeah, 100%. So we've got Hansi. And then also on the radio, we've got Gunther. We got Gunther. Who's like that he's driving a really distinctive red jaguar bad call. We can see him.

We got. And they also they haven't they activate a Professor Chimp. They do. Kogan. Yeah, this guy. He's just doing 1960s misogyny. And then he gets the call, right? And he's he's in this like beautiful house, like overlooking the the Bosphorus. And it was like, he just walks out shirtless, doing up his shirt on the street. And I'm like, that's the 60s, man, it was an incredible time. It's amazing how the poster like really advertises

that there's going to be a lot of female nudity like in this film and then it is mostly male tops. It's a lot of chest. A lot of chest. He, it was also very, it was so funny to see like a car phone but it had like a switchboard in it. Like when he's like calling everyone, like he had like a full, full roster there.

Yeah. And all of the buttons have a different colored note on them as well. So like, he's just- What are those calls? LBJ and then a poster just appears in the back of the car. Rotates around the fucking dashboard. So Tony Mycelium is following, I already used that one. Whatever. He's following handsy Tony Neutrients. I've got a page open with four silver words beginning with M on my

Tony macro nutrients Tony manatee He's following Hansy. He follows him to a mosque, Tony Mosque. Sorry, so that was my manatee. No, I hope that was Tony Manacuras heads out to the mosque. He gets pinky in the brain to do some shit in the background as well. I don't know. Yeah. So he follows Hansi up the tower of the mosque and then they have a fight. And this is like a really, really good fight. Hansi throws him off the minaret. Minaret fight.

Tony Minaret. Tony Minaret. Yes. So Hansi, Hansi, like he has the steel hand and we see that the steel hand has a switch blade in it and that's the one thing that he's got. It's otherwise like a metal stump and it's got a knife. Like it's got a knife. He's also it's not he's not figured out how to work with just one hand either because like he's at the top of this fucking minaret. He's looking down at Tony. Oh, I couldn't read what that said, manipulate it, why not? So Jesus Christ, I'm so stupid. Tony Mephisto.

He's looking down at Tony Manifesto. And he tries to unscrew his fucking silencer, drops it and clatters down. The second it falls down, Tony looks out and he takes two shots at him. And then immediately the guy on the radio is like, Hansy, don't shoot without the silence, sir. And you get such a perfect shot of Hansy having like my, oh, it's a living kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's actually some really good cinematography in this movie.

Like a shot down the center of the spiral staircase of the mirror. It perfectly like frames his face too, when he's like looking up, like it's it's very, it's very lovely, but there's a bit it's fun to see also the stunts in this movie actually be like real people dangling from very high places like it was genuinely thrilling in this age of green. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good. It's well done. But so the boys pull up down below and they see Tony Tony my secondria powerhouse of the self is fighting is fighting this guy on the like parapet of the minaret and your boy I think this is Kogan right no this is this is uh bill I think oh excuse me bill yeah so bill fantastic guy truly um great moustache. I love her. Reaches in the backseat of his car. And I said aloud, he's going to get the doohickey. And boy, does he ever get the fucking Stingamajig out of the backseat.

So all of them, like they had real guns for this movie, some of them. But for a lot of the others, they just have like pipes welded together. And this is the most contraption looking fallout force scrap metal sniper rifle. My man is going to get shins off. It looks like the Mac 10 from Escape from New York. It's got this massive, great fucking scope on it longer than the gun. Meanwhile, Hansi is experiencing the what if they had what's happening in the Istanbul situation because he's got a gun pointed at him by Tony fucking Montana. And he's going, tell me everything. And he's on the radio at the same time. His fucking Guzman

Igoma is going, don't tell him anything, Hansi. And the other guy's getting a gun out to shoot him at that time. It's having such a shit day at work. And it gets worse. His shit day at work boys. No, and it gets worse His final day at work because then he gets fucking shot like The thing is he's seeing a lament here in my vision of like they're not even really fighting at this point Bill could have killed fucking Tony magnesium, but he doesn't It's got one shot, I guess. No, he doesn't. He takes two. He shoots it twice in the back of the head. Oh dear, my faith is set.

I died on the peripet. I can hear it. It's musical. I can really... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or on the minaret? Okay, hold on. Yeah. So, the guy gets killed and Tony takes his dirty butt. He takes his earbud. A little microphone comes out of his like,

metal hands. At this moment, right. Tony loots this map. Bill is like able to like turn on a dime and not use the sniper rifle that he has in front of him, but is able to like set Tony up effortlessly by talking to the radio and being like, listen, did you get him good? We got to go to like obvious trap alley right now. I also like as when when Bill takes out this guy, Gunther looks over and he goes, he wouldn't have talked. You didn't need to do that man.

Yeah, Gunther's having some like HR sort of hesitation about this. This is good. Well, this sets up what happens to Gunter, right? Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, this will be the episode art because the expression Gunter pulls as he is aiming at the back of Hansy's fucking face is cinema. So fucking Tony Marsupial gets in his car immediately buys the like thing he's been told and races off to the ambush.

Right. And Tony Macaroni drives up the road from No Time to Die, I think, right in this chase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a sick car chase. And the car doesn't make it. No. Yeah. So this is the thing.

They had a budget of $700,000 for this, which is like a decent amount, especially at the time. And they threw all of that into car destruction, right? Because this E-type, this beautiful red E-type, a lot of the times when we destroy a car in one of these movies, it's like it's a shitty car. It's sometimes it's already crashed. They add the explosion in in post or whatever. No, they throw this down a fucking cliff for real. And you get it like in high detail,

this beautiful bodywork just getting destroyed beamNG style before it finally explodes. Yeah, it's a real shame. It's magnificent. It's very satisfying. They had done it with CG nowadays. It's so good. Yeah, it was. It's so good. Yeah. But then, so Gunter ran him off the road with a truck, and then we see that Tony Matrimony is clinging to the outside of the truck.

Like a bit of like a s- Cat like reflexes. Does he have to do this shit? I think the main thing I've learned from this episode so far is there's so many words that begin with the letter M. There's more. Also, the Chinese agents are watching. Yes, they are. Race is a moment.

And we learn that they also want Professor Pendergast. They're in the classic spy car following this truck, which is full of boxes and crates marked up for the Venus Gymnasium Istanbul. Right, which is a clue that he needs later, but doesn't realize for like 30 minutes. Like it's very... He doesn't even think about it. Very strange, yeah. So Gunther drives the truck back to their HQ in Parkes,

and then Tony gets out and sneaks around. Yeah, the way that he sneaks around is that there's laser beams and shit. And he just like, again, with the kind of the male sexuality here, just kind of rides around on the floor in a supine position. I wondered why he was doing that. Yeah, it's because of the lasers. He's neurodivergent.

Yeah, I guess they didn't have the budget to put lasers in. Yeah, I was just like, why is he... Lasers aren't visible readily, you know. Couldn't itchy back. He's had a very stressful day. He just needs to touch the ground, reorient himself. He needs a Tony massage. So meanwhile, all of the evil boys are getting briefed, right?

They're getting briefed by their boss who is like a pair of sunglasses. Yeah, with a speaker with a phone built into it. One of these dudes looks 100% percent like Will Manneker. It's uncanny. Actually, all of these guys look like podcasters, just different podcasters. At this point, the Chinese agents break in and attack. There's a firefight between the bad guys. Oh, wait, hold on.

Before the firefight breaks out, it... Oh, yeah. Tony and the Chinese guys activate the CCTV table. I love the CCTV table. It's so good. The first, for some reason, there's something insanely sexual to me about the way that the camera is positioned when Bill is spotting Tony Miesemoth. Like he's looking down at the table and the shot is from the table up at him as he looks

down and smiles. And it's down at Tony. Yeah, they project the CCTV down onto the table and the shot is from the table up at him as he looks down and smiles. And it's down at Tony. It's so hot. They project the CCTV down onto the table so that he's looking up. He's looming over Tony Montessori school. And like... They say, Gunther, you fucked up. This is Tony Misothelioma.

Like you were supposed to have killed him. They look over at Gunther and he's like, oh God, do we tolerate failure? And they're like, we might not. Stay tuned. We'll deal with this oh God, do we tolerate failure? And they're like, we might not stay tuned. We'll deal with this first. Does this organization tolerate failure? Check your contact. I'll tell you this, Hansy didn't even fail as I killed him.

So yeah, yeah, good point. At this point, then the gunfight breaks out between the Chinese agents and these guys. And let me tell you, the Chinese agents have Maosa C96s with the like, carbine stock on them. It's fucking sick. They got pistols with stocks. It's so good. And while that action is happening, Tony Maosa is just in the corner just popping sourballs, you know, just waiting for him. It's like, oh, they'll sort this stuff out. And I'm like, it's so fun when you have a movie where the protagonist actually doesn't really need to be there for the movie to happen.

Yeah. Yeah, the protagonist Kenny. Remember Kenny? No, there's a beautiful VW bus ambulance in one corner of this parking garage, which is going to become important in a second. If I can remember what fucking happens to it. There's a bit that I love here because the bad guys smuggle Pendergast away, they escape with him. And Gunther is taken by another henchman to like the docks.

And the guy says, this organization just not t- and then Gunther shoots him. He's like, you're not gonna fucking kill me. You're not spectering me, bitch. He reverses the fucking metal plate. No, you touched the metal plate. Shoot this guy who throws him out and runs away. Like, hell yeah. Not an employee that tolerates an organisation that does not tolerate failure.

You have to let me live and learn, motherfucker. He does the reverse blow felt. Perfect. He turns the like the reverse blow felt. Yeah. Perfect. He turns the turntables on. So meanwhile, Tony finds a handcuffed unconscious woman who has just been captured. And very nobly, you know, wakes her up by like slapping the absolute fuck out of her,

which a makeup flawless. Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, you use enough primer and it stays on no matter what they do to you. And so Tony takes her back to his crime headquarters. He's like, hello, I'm Tony Mujhedeen. She says, I'm Elizabeth. I'm a kidnapped Argentinian heiress. Elizabeth first, an Argentinian. Yeah. At this point, O.S.S, Sunday, says like, why are you white? Yeah, just like, sorry, I've heard that theory.

She says, I'm a kid now, Argentinian, I was being held with Professor Pendergas by the bad guys. They wanted to ransom me. And at this point, the good guys get a phone call from fucking good stuff. Yeah, you gotta get me out of here. They tried to fucking blow fell to me. Are you kidding?

I want to turn state seven. This organization does not tolerate clearly? I want to tell you, state sevens. This organization does not tolerate failure. I did not know this when I was tired. Get me the fucking to an organization that tolerates failure. I do also want to note really quickly. Can I join the FBI? I think I'm really big on that. That Kenny is like in the room while Elizabeth is there, staring daggers of jealousy at both her and Tony. Yeah, she's in the room is how I describe her presence definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, at both him and at both her and Tony Chocolonely.

Fuck, that's good. Thank you, thank you. So, um... So Tony is like, yeah, we got to go have a meeting with Gunter. Kenny's like, cool, I'm an FBI agent, I'm coming. He's like, no, you're not baby fat and locks her in a wardrobe. Yeah. He like, it's so first of all, right.

He kisses her in backwards while brain is watching, which much like FX 18. I'm starting to believe that voyeurism is just an accepted perk of sidekickry at this point. Yeah. He like kisses her back into the closet, locks her in the closet. A literal closet. Mm hmm. With a box of sour balls. He like kisses her back into the closet, locks her in the closet. A literal closet. With a box of sour balls. And again, my note says if a woman did any of this to me.

Yeah. Yeah, for clarification purposes, kisses her backwards in this scene means pushes her backwards while kissing. Yeah, but I'm choosing to believe the other thing. Yeah, I was just like. He does like Spider-Man style shit to her. Yeah. And while she's confused, he like pushes her into the wardrobe.

Does he only stock in sour balls? Like it seems like this whole thing is just a massive ruse to get like more people to eat sour balls. I do kind of feel like getting a sour ball stuff for a little while. You know, honestly, yeah, I could go for a lemon stopper right now. A Maoan pinball. So he goes to the construction site to meet Gunter, but Bill is there and Bill is like, Gunter, this organization does not tolerate failure.

It kills him. We told you before. Also, I should say. Shoot him off the building. Not to keep doing Sharper, but like fucking Gunter looks exactly like Virgil Texas in this scene. Gunther has put his stealthiest suit on, which is of course all white, and he's riding in the dark.

In sunglasses. He's phosphorescent. And sadly, they don't tolerate his failure. They don't. They don't. And so Tony Meiosis shows up in the situation just in time to see Gunther take a swan dive off this like construction site balcony. And then Tony Medvedo enters into a gunfight with four cars.

This fucking rules. What's so clearly right? What Bill has planned is we know he's going to be here. I have set up a demolition. I've set up a boss fight to make for my. And the his first move also is to dive forward into his throne position on the ground. And perfectly shoots out the headlights of all of these cars. He like max paints this shit.

He like dives towards shooting. There's a few shots in this where like a lot of the gun fighting, he's like running and shooting at the same time like John Wick. It's like genuinely quite impressive for the time. Yeah. He also for the second time in the movie breaks the fourth wall. Yeah. He genuinely quite impressive for the time. Yeah. He also, for the second time in the movie, breaks the fourth wall. Yeah. He doesn't out pretty new. Didn't care for this.

Didn't care for him staring into my soul. He looks at the audience and goes, what, me worry? And like earlier on in the casino scene, he looks at the cameras like, there's got to be an easier way to make a living. So it's like, don't notice me. Don't notice me, Tony medications. Don't perceive me. Can we talk about the music at

this at this point? I have a clip of some of the music if you want to hear how bond like this shit is. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's one bar of the bond theme repeated. He gets a JCB and smashes them up and it's very like, badda, badda. Again, very high car destruction budget. Like he absolutely like wrecks some of this shit. And he like even does the Daniel Craig like adjusts his tie in the JCB and drives it away. It's like, my god.

Pretty good actually. It's like 60 years ahead of the time. They should have given this guy all the rest of the movies. What are we doing with Bond? Yeah. The adventures of Tony Meditations. They should have given this guy all the rest of the movies. What are we doing with Bond? The Adventures of Tony Meditations. Tony menstruation has secreted Elizabeth at a luxury hotel. Don't say that! All right. Yeah, he has.

So he goes to visit Elizabeth by the pool. Yes. And Tony Mcantillism is that the fucking love this bit. Oh, he's talking to Elizabeth by the pool. The Chinese agents are watching and then someone in the pool. It's Bill has a has a rifle hidden in a pool float Yep. Yeah, just on some ship bill does So much

I did one two before it's so crowded at this pool like there are so many people And there's also a hole in the bottom of the pool that leads to other places, which is the pool tunnel. So I mean, first of all, incredible shot of him rising from the pool with this like spear gun or whatever it is. Second of all, I think it's just the gun. I think it's the same. Ha ha, like the in Star Wars. Would know anything about Star Wars. OK, as he's doing this, by the way,

Tony Marinara sauce is trying to like neg Kenny to another woman, like to Elizabeth by being like this bitch fat and she was I think feminism is so important she goes baby fat she's just a friend she's not fat and she's no baby which is just true like good one girl stand up lean in yeah is that what that means I don't I don't I never learned what lean in means bring him in not what that means? I don't know. I never learned what lean in means. Bring him in. Not out.

It means sticking out for other women. Anyway, the scuba assassin strikes, right? Yeah. Eventually. Yeah. You could have saved yourselves. You could have saved Gunter's life if you just don't miss like two days ago, Billy. Yeah.

Yeah. But he does not succeed in killing Elizabeth or Tony Motorcycle, who jumps into the pool. They have an underwater knife fight, which is less exciting than it sounds. Which is good! Oh, I really dug this. It's the best underwater knife fight we've ever seen on this podcast. It's better than its contemporaries, I'll tell you that. It felt dangerous. It's the ending of Top Secret. They're down there for like five minutes.

Yeah, there's a scuba tank that Bill was using. It felt dangerous. It's the ending of Top Secret. They're down there for like five minutes. Yeah. There's a scuba tank that Bill was using. But it was using the scuba tank, but I'll tell you this. Tony is not. He's not. He holds his breath the whole time. No, Tony just has that lung capacity. He does steal it once he kills Bill.

Yes. Tony lung capacity. The cops are waiting above the pool. And obviously cops don't have like line of sight into pools The fact that we all know about cops can't see through water. Yeah, so just something in the cop physiology So he uses the pool escape tunnel much like the grease tunnel, you know Yes, there's a pool tunnel that lets let's out in a water feature out front, right? A water feature that is not even ankle deep.

He has swum. Gaseous form. Don't you gaseous form? Yeah, gaseous form. And at this point, he gets up into Elizabeth's room by getting lifted up on a lift on the outside of the hotel. It's a chair lift in the sense that it's a lift with a bunch of chairs on it. For some fucking reason. It's like a window washing thing that they're using to move furniture up to the floor. So Tony just hops on that and like in order to avoid going in the hotel and being seen.

As he's going up, there's a woman like sunbathing on a balcony and she goes, Ciao Tony. And he does, I realized that this like, this hadn't yet become this in the 1960s, but he does do the Finster pose when she says Chow Tony, which is very funny. I don't know what that means. This movie really was ahead of its time. I don't need to know what that means. So he goes up to the room.

I realize this, I did the pose, but listen to you can't see it. Oh yeah. Oh, fuck. It's like the V-sign. It's cool. Oh, the Fen Boy like V. Well, the little like Conti Lee. Yeah, yeah. He's the Fen Boy. Fen Boy, Tony Montan.

Fuck's sake. Fen Boy, Tony Montan. He gets into Elizabeth Room. She hugs him. She kisses him. She's like kind of coming on quite strong to him, and he does not have sex with her, which I respect. It's not enough to make up for all the other misogyny in this movie, but he doesn't have sex with the one woman who consents to have sex with him. He won't do it, he's not a work.

Sex artist. He has principles. No, he leaves her with Bogo. And it's like, Bogo, watch this woman. Oh, he does, doesn't he? He gets his Bogo's binted. So... Bogo is about to get fucking binted.

Bogo gets binted. It's a damn shame what happens to my body. But so at this point, Kenny says, oh, we stood next to Gunter's corpse and pressed square and he had something on him that says next location. Yes. And the next location. Yes. And the next location is the Venus bath. It's so weird that we just don't... He could have skipped.

Yeah, we could have skipped literally like 20, 30 minutes of this movie and missed nothing. They find a season ticket to the Turkish bath in Bill's pocket, which, and I don't want to be rude, but he does look like the kind of fella who would have a season ticket to a Turkish bath. So what do you mean? No, it was Gunther who had it. Now, at this point, at this point, Tony maladjustment dresses as a woman. Yes, he does. To infiltrate female spaces. This is this is done as a joke.

However, the joke is a guy spots him and does the chow Tony thing in reverse. It is kind of funny. And most of all, I just think this is it's the kind of like some like it hot comedy drag. It's like a public humiliation for me, but it's like perfect for us. Right. Like this is the logical end point of Euros by movies is comedy drag. Yeah, 100%. I mean, that's British culture. We need to bring it back so far. That's true. That's true. I was very excited to see here. Kenny is in the movie again.

She's in the movie. She walks into the Turkish bath and then she gets captured. It's immediately kidnapped. Kidnapped at the Turkish bath. I would hate for this to happen to me. Also, this whole thing is like naked exploitation in a literal sense, because it's like a women's Turkish bath. I have a highly transmissible case of 1960s woman dysphoria at this point.

At one point, while they're like talking, three women go past all in profile with the exact same perfect Vivesavi haircut. It's the 60s, man. Three hit combo. Hearing the vine boom every time. I should also say the people who kidnap her are it's a tough moment because they're like male body assassins or whatever.

But they're also all wearing really short bathrooms with the hoods up. So from the neck up, they look like the guys in in fucking Magica. And from yeah, yeah, yeah. Pulled in, like point upwards on the hood. Yeah. Oh, this is the other note that I have for this as well, is during the kidnapping scene,

right, right, when you're trying to kidnap someone, footwear, very important, you don't want to try and kidnap someone wearing flip flops, right? Because this guy, I paused it perfectly on this frame, she flips this guy, she like, Judo flips him and he gets thrown out of his shoes. That's the first thing that happens to him If I know one thing he's dead, it's unfortunate If you lose the shoes it's over. Nanosecond of the encounter he is out of his shoes. That man is gonna get a varouka

So this is Tony Sneaks backstage not not knowing that Kenny has been kidnapped. And he finds a couple of boxes full of explosives and one is labeled heavy gas. He opens a crate of six orbs that say heavy gas on them. I presume by analogy with heavy water, right? But like, it's not a thing. Well, gas is, I guess it has to be a specific gas. Not desperately heavy. Very dense gas.

Very dense gas, well, that's not a thing. That's a liquid though. Anyway, they're using the Turkish baths for neferi's purposes. It's some sort of isotope. The international brotherhood of Bathrobe assassins corner him. And they put a knife in his ribs and they're like, listen, it's sort of like, at some point we've got to do the equalizer movies, right? Because one of my favorite things

about the equalizer movies is that the equalizer initially gets always the best deal of all time from the bad guy to be like, I will give you $100,000 to not equalize me and just live your life piece of it. And every single one of those movies is about him refusing the best deal ever and equalizing them anyway. Yeah, he refuses the call. They give him the equalizer deal. They're like, if you do as we say, we will give you $100,000,

10% of the million dollar ransom we extorted, we will let Kenny go so you can have her back. And if you refuse, we will stab you in the ribs and leave you beside the Turkish bath house. And like, they're like, literally, we're fucking sick of you. Just could you just leave town, man? We will pay you a hundred thousand US dollars. And he was like, no.

Deals in my art form, right? It says you seem to have a point. Yeah, I love that. I'll be honest. I would take this deal. Like, it would be difficult for me not to. They've out-negotiated me at that point. But you know what's more than $100,000?

A million dollars. Yeah. That's his only logic, I feel. That is literally the only driving force for him at this point, I think. That's why he's called Tony Mathematics, because he knows a million. So what happens is he fights them. There's a lot of shots that are intended to be titillating of like naked women and these work,

but mostly he's just getting environmental kills. He's just letting steam jets off on people. There's one specific goon who's wearing a pink towel thing and he gets blasted with steam no less than six distinct times through this scene. It's and every time he goes, whoa. Yeah, Tony steal Magnolia's just like just opens up the tap on this fucking guy. Every time he comes near him, it's fantastic. Tony loses his robe.

Yeah, he nonces a woman by stealing hers on the way out to cover his shame. He spanks a naked woman who's on a massage table. That's assault. He grabs one woman and she goes, oh, chat, Tony. Yeah. Hey, what's up? At this point, he's fleeing the cops. The cops have been alerted to the general sort of like pandemonium in the Hamam.

And he dives into the back of pandemonium in the Hamam. Yeah. He dives into the back of a Rollsce, where there is a Turkish gilf, who he seduces into the high. She's in Turkey, so she's a Turkish milf in this moment. Gilf, to be honest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He jumps into the back of a posh lady's like Rolls Royce, she has a butler, and he's, you know, just in a town. He's like, oh, I'm sorry, man, but they're men trying to kill me. She's like, my words, like looking down her glasses is like,

well, you've got a big dick, let's hide you. Do we think that Tony Mulligan and this gilf actually like, bang or is this sort of like a 100%? He rolls into the back and he goes, you wanna know why they call me Tony menopausal? No. And she signals to the driver to just like, keep going. What do you do? And then he gets out. And she signals to the driver to just like, keep going.

And then he gets up. Oh, yeah. No, because he's chasing down Kenny, who's been kidnapped. He's been taken away. Yeah. He runs into Inspector Malook again, who is getting a shave. And he just sort of like again, like quite loop on, like like spins around in the chair. When does he meet Klaus Kinski? Is that here? Okay. Very soon.

What a jump scare. Seeing Klaus Kinski in this movie. Because he like he loses them. So he goes back to the hotel, right? Where he finds that Elizabeth is gone and Bogo has been fucking binted to a permanent end. He's gone. He's he's. Bogo is been fucking binted to a permanent end. He's gone. He's, he's, Bogo's dead in the bathtub. Yeah.

At this point we meet yet another henchman. Bogo, Bogo, Tilly Gogo'd. My name is Dr. Kaufman. Yes. Kutchutchu from Stuttgart. This is, this is my beloved, one of my favorite genders, fucked up little assassin in a bowtie. Yes. I, I, from moments two of seeing this guy, I am thinking of

Schmitz as white brother Muzon. And he is played by one of the greatest actors of all time here. Sure. And one of the worst interpersonally. Yes. Klaus Kinski. The German Nick Kinski is what is what genuine. Werner Herzog's best friend and worst enemy.

Wow. Actually, one of my only IMDb credits is playing Klaus Kinski in a student film in college. And I know what you're thinking. AJ, with your piercing blue eyes and blonde hair, you are a perfect fit for Klaus Kinski. I do, I do. But instead, it was like a John Waters kind of esk film,

and I wore a Santa outfit, and because I was supposed to provide my own costuming, and the director said, why are you wearing that? And I said, well, Santa Klaus Kinski. And the director said, you know, there are those who believe in the auteur theory, and you have proven them all wrong today. Oh, no. those who believe in the auteur theory and you have proven them all wrong today.

Oh, no. You would hate to get that feedback. But so he has an insanely hard, quite Kauffman like line, but it's delivered by Klaus Kinski. So it's, I'm considered a good shot by those I've killed. Again, fucking great. So good. We're talking about that's a terrible fucking line.

If you've killed them, they don't consider you anything, do they? You can't be that good a shot if they're still considering shit. Maybe just kneecaps people. I don't know. He says killed. He's doing like keyhole surgery with a small caliber pistol. I don't know. Get Tony medium in there and he can ask them about.

Just a little bit of Tony misdirection and says, oh, I'm a henchman. Like you, uh, here's my henchman number. And then Dr. Kaufman fucking looks it up and on like hench, Google and it's like, no, you're not your fucking lion. Yeah. He takes a swing. He gives him Bill's name, but accidentally reads out the number of Gunther's token and gets caught. But so he grabs up like Perspex coffee table, which he uses as a sort of call of duty riot

shield? Yeah, this bulletproof glass table. Yeah, I can't believe this works. Now, this now becomes a scene of Klaus Kinski obliterating a hotel room. And it's fucking fantastic. And the rage is so real. Practice at that, you know. Yeah, no, he sells it and I'll tell you why he sells it.

This is crazy fucking kinski. The rage is so fucking genuine. Yeah, yeah. I should also say as he gets fought into the bathroom, Tony takes a moment to mourn his dead boy Bogo mid fight, which I really appreciate. He was vice president of the Magicians Association or something. The Magicians Association has suffered a huge loss. But so this the fight spills into the bathroom and it's basically the opening

of Casino Royale for really Tony drowns him in the fucking sink. Yeah, genuinely. Sick. in the fucking sink. Yeah. Genuinely. Sick. It's very literal. Just a great scene. Yeah. This is just straight up good, sorry.

My next note says they replace Bill with an identical Bill 2, which I'm not sure what that refers to. I have no idea. Oh, yeah. There's a new henchman that comes around because Bill was killed in the Hilton pool and then they had just... Oh, yeah, there's a new henchman that comes around because Bill was killed in the Hilton pool. And then they had just... Oh, yeah. They had to get a new guy in because Bill was doing 100% of everything.

Yeah. Right. New Bill. Going through henchmen, this organization. It's a small country. They should tolerate more failure. But at this point, they've loaded Kenny onto a yacht and a fucking Tony multiplication goes down to the yacht and he gets on board. He shoots a crewman in cold blood nudging up the films and provoke violence score.

But then he does manage to like, he says to the captain, right, get all the crew on deck and then he gets on deck and then just- Activate the boat autopilot is another thing he says to- And then he just like makes all the crew jump overboard. He says, jump over the water, I'll shoot you. Oh, the captain jumping overboard of his own volition was so good. It's so good because the captain really does sell it. He's like, oh, I'm not going to get killed.

Fantastic. Like so when he goes, just jump off. He goes, yes. And just straight into the water. I shrug. Yeah. Great. And Pendergast is also on board. Yeah. He's like, the yard is full of explosives. We've got to get out of here.

That's most kidnapped motherfucker, Pendergast. Mm-hmm. I have a question. Where did they get the, like, identical clone of him with the bomb inside him? Because that's the same actor. Yeah. So... Where did they get that man?

And why was that guy's photo at the scene of the crime? Hmm. Tony, what are you doing there? Anyway, I guess don't worry about it. We're just going to put the cinemasins ding in here and then we'll... Yeah. So he frees both of them and eavesdrops on sunglasses-wearing villain who is still trying to run her business remotely through the pandemic by this fucking pair of Zoom sunglasses. Because there's a couple of big level goons who we've not met, the bosses of the criminalization below deck.

Tony goes down there, he shoots them all, two of them are unarmed, a bit more unprovoked violence. They're making a big stink about it. They're doing their like, we've won boys victory speech. I don't know how any of these can't stop it. They're going like, we've got a nuclear power, our small island,

we're able to compete with all the worlds to the new Caesar as they point to the corner. This shit again, Mr. Alexander. To the new Alexander the Great. Tony Burson kills him in cold blood. Kills him in fucking cold blood. Tony Birston kills him in Cold Blood. Kills him in Cold Blood. Tony Maria Magdalena brackets for a creature of the night. Close brackets.

Pulls back the Tony. It's getting worse and worse. Every time. It's fucking Tony metadata. Looks round the thing. And surprise, surprise. It's Elizabeth. It's actual plot twist. I was so thrilled surprise, it's Elizabeth. It actually was her.

It was her butt twist. I was so thrilled. It's fucking Elizabeth. We've had a female Bond villain 60 years and counting before James Bond has done it. Hell yeah. I will be honest, right? I, both Elizabeth and Kenny look quite alike and have the same 1960s haircut. And I have somewhat face blindness on this. I thought this was Kenny for a second and I was like, that's a way better twist.

Yeah, you popped off harder. But allow me to help you out here because do you know who this woman is? We've seen her once before abandoned on a boat by OSS 117 before it exploded. This is Consuela. This is the same actor. Flank Consuela. Do you mean Blanche? Blanche. Yeah, sorry. I went by the IMDb name. Sorry. I have another sort of note here, which is towards a typography, a typography, a typology of

Euros by movies, right? Which is that if they all begin with a 009 scene of, like, Agent getting killed, they all seem to end with a boat explosion scene. Like, it's genuinely striking the number of times where they've run out of ideas and blown up a boat. Very easy to sink boats in the Mediterranean. I think that's just like, you get a tax card

actually for it, yeah. It's encouraged. No consequences. The amount of Euro spy movies happening in your average like Bay in the Mediterranean during this period was seven or eight. Well, it saves on cleanup, right? You don't have to go down. It's like seeing yachts lighter.

It really does because they love to blow up the set at the end, but they can't afford Ken Adam. So if a set has to be a boat, because they can afford to blow it up And they have to have Porep for a deer and they're playing the bad guy. Yeah, the thing about fucking Tony Mandebles is his plan is to be ruthlessly misogynistic to every woman you meet and eventually one of them will deserve it. And this is something that the movie takes as like, yep, that's that's correct. Well, so for the second time in the movie, Tony, it's offered a very good deal because she's like, join me, I have a million dollars, come inside my pussy, and then let's just go from that. Yeah, and then question mark, question mark, question mark. Step three profit. Yeah. Yeah, first offer, 100,000 dollars and your girlfriend back.

Zero pussy, now a million dollars. Second, yeah, million million dollars. Have your girlfriend back. Bust in this Argentinian Nazi pussy. But Tony Millions doesn't take it. No, Nazi left pussy. No, because he does. He does the thing once again of seeing the assassin creep up in reflected in the woman who is betraying

him's sunglasses of evil. This is just some guy. There's literally some like bearded motherfucker. Yeah. This is Yukon Cornelius looking ass, motherfucker, who looks like he got here from the life aquatic with Steve's or so. Yeah, exactly like that. That's what it's close.

He just just immediately whips around like Domino and gets blasted. So it's like he hears her like she's using the like sunglasses to secretly call for help and he is in his bunk and he kind of like resignedly gets up, gets his submachine gun, traipses over there like, my God. He hates going to work despite the fact he's the only henchman left alive on the boat.

We get a weirdly lame shot of this guy getting up to go to work. It's like a full on like morning routine thing. It's like actually quietly quite good. And Elizabeth gets shot by him, right? It's like a friendly fire situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just shoot a woman, you have to have the woman get killed by mistake.

This is like one of the classic uncle things, you have to duck out of the ways the woman gets hit by the gunfire or the knife. Yeah, yeah, Tony Meme factoring swings her round and she gets shot to death. Tony McKenna, mate. He's not going to be getting that pussy, so he's going to be Tony masturbation. So he's going to be Tony masturbation. So at this point, Tony Margarita and Kenny and Professor Pendergast also in this film, get on a lifeboat, they got off the boat and the boat explodes, but the movie's not done yet. The boat only explodes because Elizabeth, crawling, having been shot, decides to like shoot into her own red barrel room to

try and take them with her, which is fucking hardcore. Hell yeah. Sick. Fucking nothing but respect. I like that she has a red barrel room on the boat as well. Well they want to make nuclear weapons from the boat, I guess. With all that heavy gas, yeah. There's a lot of heavy gas.

And then as they escape, would you believe the Chinese spies have been following them the whole time, just scooping right back up again in a slightly nicer boat? We're then surprised. Tony Melanio. Tony Merchandising. Don't. He turns it around on them.

Yeah. Because he hides on the anchor chain and then pops up and he's like, aha, I'm Tony Mistimino. He's a gun. And then he puts the Chinese agents in a dinghy and then like... Sad music. Racist music. Yeah, racist music. But it's like sad racist music as well.

Like, it's just tonally... And the movie's still not done. Tony Maraschino then drives to shore with them. And Kenny is like, listen, do you want to like turn yourself in? They'll let you keep the money. You can fuck my pussy. You can probably work for the FBI. Yeah.

A million dollars busted in this American pussy. Yeah, that's right. See, sequel, her and whatever. And he's like, no, however, as he's leaving with the million dollars, he does deploy a line, which if someone said this to me, you're the only cop I ever love. It's also a good thing that that case with the million dollars in his waterproof because he jumps overboard with it. to me. You're the only cop I ever loved. It's also a good thing that that case with the million dollars in his waterproof because he jumps overboard with it. It would have been really annoying if he'd opened it, found it full of mush. He wouldn't. You know what? I guarantee you would have been like, oh well, next time.

So Kenny and like her boss M and Maluk are on a train on the R.A. Express or whatever, where they're debriefing and Maluk just out of nowhere is like, why don't we just kill him if we can? I really like this like vengeance quest of his. But he goes, and what are we going to do about Messina's put a rope around his neck or a medal on his chest? Great. Full time commitment to like catching him for illegal gambling and having him execute it.

And then they're just like, well, it's your call mate and he goes, I don't care. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right, I'm going to go then. Yeah, probably need a vacation. When it was going to be someone else's effort, he was fully like, let's kill this guy. I'm doing it now, whatever. It's an interesting kind of like, again, Casablanca twist on the sort of inspecting this.

If your agenda begins with inspector, the end make. I should have made 50 more of these fucking movies. I want Inspector Malook to be a stock character that is currently being reinterpreted by a dubious Netflix reinterpretation. 100% it's just called Malook, you know, as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want Malook so bad. It's just called Maluk, you know, as well. It's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pretty reboot. I want Maluk so bad.

Please, Mokka, stop. Let me write Maluk. Yeah. So Tony sees through the door of the train carriage, brain, and she's like, ah, my boyfriend Tony Marijuana must be here somewhere. Tony Marijuana is... Tangling from a helicopter?

He's going insane hat back for one thing. He's in a helicopter. Yeah, fuck it. He's in a helicopter and he's clearly paying the pilot off in real time to get weirder with it. The pilot's like, alright, I've already crossed the border. What else do you fucking want? And he's like handed him another ward and he's like, put me down on that fucking train. Yeah, he gets more and more specific because then he's like, put me down on that car of the train and the car for the pilot who is like, you know,

sort of playing with mouse controls is like, what seat do you want? Fucking asshole. It's so good. And then we watch in real time him jump onto the train, which was very sick. Also, the hat gets its own death scene. He has to like duck under a tunnel and the hat gets like swept off to a dead end. He's growing. He's maturing.

He's letting go of his childhood hats and moving on to better and brighter things. I guess. He's inside like on a cat. He gets into the train. He's got like pockets of cash. Upside down through the window. Piles of cash spilling from his trials of pockets. He kisses Kenny.

We get a fourth wall break inexplicably. He says, happens to all of us sooner or later and might not say it does. I said, what does Tony? What does he mean settling down with a woman? I guess that's what he's trying to imply. I guess we all helicopter through a train and kiss a cop. Next movie they would not be including her in it.

Let's be honest. No, but to be honest, they should have made 50 of these fucking things, as you say. The movie's still not done, I'm afraid, because at this point, the Chinese attack. And Tony says, don't you guys ever take a day off? But up, but up, but up, now we're fucked. And we're done.

The ballad of Tony Mercedes is over. It is too long. Tony Melanoma, we hardly knew you. Thank you to Tony Macadamia. Yeah, I'm just going to just going to read out all the other ones I had written down for this once we realized this is a bit we were doing. I got Tony Motorboat. Tony Motorboat is good. Tony Melindra, Tony Metaphysics, Tony Macadamia.

Yeah, Macadamia is good. Tony milk toast if you did something about it. I got a real stretch of a one that I'm going to save for a little bit, but it's coming. Wait, you have me say Tony Mary Magdalena brackets for a creature of a night. I feel like Tony Malapropism, I should have saved that until the end. It was really good. I love doing it. I kept trying to think of like contextually relevant ones, which meant I kept like stop

starting every time I tried to start a sentence. Did I ever get out Tony Mothra? Was that ever in there? I don't know. No, no, you missed Tony Mothra. No, I gotta take those swings. What have we learned from the experience of watching that man? Yeah, 50 more of these movies.

Give me the rights. We can make it not racist. We can make it not sex not racist we can make it not sexist we can make it Conteer we can push it further Let us have it like anyone's upset about the rights to that man in Istanbul. We could have it It is a very fun movie to watch. I feel like it's not gonna do well on the spectrum, but so badly do well on the spectrum. But so badly. No, no, no, no. It's gonna be so fucking badly.

Ron Steen rose that to Gunther just for doing the reverse blood. Which I fucking love. Yeah, genuinely. I think between that and the drag and stuff like that, this is one of the movies we've ever seen. Yeah. Quite genuinely.

Yeah, it's up there. I really liked it. Just in terms of understanding the assignment of what we want from a Euro spy movie, very, very sort of on target. Well, if I can pull back the curtain for a second here and give a shout out to someone who's been helping me with these movies for a while. After we recorded the last episode, I decided that if I had to watch another three out of 10 euros by movie, I was going to put the barrel in my fucking mouth. I spoke to the person who's been finding these movies for us, which is a nomos on Discord or Isaac in real life. And we, well, they even just cut it down to eight bangers out

of the remaining 40 Euro spy movies. And this was a maybe pile, so I am very confident going forwards now that we're not going to have another secret agent fireball situation. This is really good. Thank you so much for all of your help. Thank you. But we don't have to sort of speculate about this because we have a science based system on this podcast. It's called the SCUM system.

It stands for SMARM, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Tone Misogyny. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! We did it! We did it, boys.

Giving ourselves a SMARM score on this one. It's bad. Oh, god. What was that? How SMARM-y is this movie on a scale of 0 to 7? And I think the answer is- He keeps doing a sides to the camera about how Smarmy he is. It's not even enough to give it to the other characters in the movie. He gives it to us three times.

Yeah. The way that he's like calling her, you know, baby fat was like nicknames to everybody. Um, the way he's like, even when like Dr. Kauffman has my gun pointed goes Missy and he's like, Mr. Missy and it's like, you seem to have a point. It's like, yeah, I feel like we're at least five, maybe six. Mason It's part of the, like, idea of the character, like the tagline on the poster is he's not a spy, he's a crook, you know, he's slick. He's from West Side Story. Mason I'm gonna say something right at the start here before we talk about numbers.

I think that this is seven on all of them. And I loved it with so much. I think it's a great movie, but it is 100% like maxing out smarm, unprovoked violence. He kills a bunch of people who have nothing. Misogyny, no way. Cultural insensitivity, no fucking way. Right. You know what? I'm not even going to argue with you. I don't think we even need to discuss this any further. I think this is a science basis. If you have anything extra, please do carry on.

Yeah, a science basis. I don't want to give it like seven necessarily across the board, but I reckon like a six. I do. I want to rub a stamp it, you know? It's like triple seven, quadruple seven. I'm dedicated to this, so I reckon... No, no, I respect that. At least a six.

I'll take six. I'm happy with that. Okay. I don't know how much he could have gotten much smarmier to be. No, I'll push this up to seven. I think it's maximally smart. I guess it's the soft cap, not the hard cap, right? Yeah. It's not 10, you know. Cultural insensitivity, there is yellow face. There is. Deploys a racial slur, which we didn't mention. It was very disheartening to learn that Kung Fu fighting has that slur in it, very disheartening to learn that Kung Fu fighting has that slur in it, a very late in life. Yeah. Yeah.

There were funky from funky Chinatown. Yeah. That's in there. And that was very difficult to learn. During the Idris Elba sort of hot ones reaction just started coughing. What? Do you want to fight? I'm actually about gold.

Yeah. Yeah. So cultural insensitivity. We have seen worse. We have. It's not integral to the plot. Like living that die was. Yeah, like living that die. I think that makes it a six. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not happy. On provoke violence, he does kill some unarmed people. He doesn't kill the boat crew. He does. He actually does kill one of them. Oh, well, he just set an example for the others.

Yeah. And he does a bet and the rest it's C, I suppose. I don't know. Does uncle chop that one guy who wasn't doing anything other than be helpful? Yeah. Five? I can't push it hard in five, yeah. Yeah, hard five.

I can't. Misogyny's got to be seven. My god. Misogyny. gotta be seven. It's disgusting. It's 22 inch waist. The scale has shattered. The glass on the front has shattered. On misogyny. That gives us a total score of

25, which is pretty fucking bad. It's one of the worst we've ever had. It's pretty bad. It's the same as first blood pot too. Wow. It's the same as Austin Powers. Oh my God.

It's more fun watching this. It's like a Connery level, but it's like more fun than any of the Connerys. And that's why the scum system is objective solve for film criticism, because it doesn't reflect how much we enjoyed the movie. These are objective measures. See, fuck. It is worse than any of the Connery films. Whoa.

Do I think that? The only James Bond film which was worse was Liv and Latte. Do you want to think that? Yeah, I kind of do even. I guess I'm forced to by my own logic. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Yeah.

That's science, baby. I'm the science based system. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That is a very highly. By the science-based system. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That is a very highly- I also want to give a Calvin to Klaus Kinski's character because it was fun. Yeah. I think genuinely, I'm sort of on, I think we got to give a Cronstein to-

That goon. Paul playing goon. Yeah. 100% percent. You're so right. Yeah. Cronstein's all around and goon. Double awards.

Just because. Yeah. No good night crosses, no Brian Cox awards. By the way, are we still have those in stock? We do. If you want to buy some pins that we have had made of those very old wards. You would like the Cronstein Rose. You got to killjamesbond.com. You can buy them.

You can buy them. Do we have any closing thoughts about the experience of seeing that man in Istanbul? It is about 15 minutes too long. Yeah, it's true. I don't know why he didn't clock all of the equipment had one location written on it in the back of that car. I really couldn't have saved us about 20 minutes. Yeah, I think that's where the extra 15 minutes came from. Like if you just cut that, it'd be a pretty slick movie.

Also, we summarized it, but like the whole sequence of following Hanse to the mosque is, it just takes fucking ages. Yeah, it feels, it feels like that, uh, the tutorial mission in Hitman, in that you are just kind of wandering around a ship and no one really knows what's happening. You might have noticed we made some hay, but they activated a chimp in one scene and then never mentioned him again. That's because he just doesn't do anything.

Yeah. No, it completely disappears. You know, it's just goes. It's so it's so interesting coming in at what I believe is near the end of your long national nightmare of watching Spine movies. But I had a really great time with this in a way I wasn't expecting. Do I think you got a good one? This one fucking rips.

Yeah, I do. I think that Tony and Messina's Lepidus like really like stands up there with, you know, any other spy protagonist. Yeah, kind of, because I mean, I feel like they're all as thin as he is. And, you know, at least he tries for a catchphrase. He does get chow and he's got theow in there. He's got the sour balls. And he's got the sour balls thing. He's got a goon, he's still got brain at the end of this,

he's lost Bogo. Although he actually has lost his sour balls too, because I think he gets into the cabin and says, oh no, my sour balls, like they fell out of his room. He does, he does. He's finally moved on from these childish things and become the superstar, the super spy he was always meant to.

Yes, yes, this movie is definitely, he's got a great backstory. He's got a tragic backstory. He goes sent to Istanbul for no reason. But genuinely, what a wonderful time watching this truly scummy movie. Wonderful. And thank you so much for coming on, AJ.

Thank you. If people want more, AJ, where can they find you? I co-host a podcast called The Worst of All Possible Worlds. We do weekly case studies in the pop culture of a dying empire. We had Alice on very recently, and I still haven't forgiven her for making us play Far Cry 5. Yeah, you shouldn't have. Yeah. And I think maybe Devon is coming on at some point soon. That's right. I've got.

I'm booked in to be recording at the end of next month. Yeah. We're super stoked to have them on. some point. That's right. I've got, I'm booked in to be recording at the end of next month. Yeah. We're super stoked to have them on. Hell yes. And, you know, Abby, if you ever want to come on and talk Shakespeare or anything, we would absolutely love to have you on. Because we greatly loved your play. I am a nebulous subscriber, so I got to watch it.

Yay, thank you so much. And also, just as a side note, I'm a huge fan of this podcast and it's so cool, the sort of key on the other side of it. I think y'all are doing like some really incredible analysis of these movies. And I don't know, it truly feels like being a part of like the coolest movie club imaginable. So thank you for having me on the other side. That means the absolute world. In retrospect, we should have let you talk. Or the modern day Ciscolise. On the episode. I don't know why we... You have it. It's not the absolute world in retrospect. We should have let you talk the modern day. Siskelies.

I don't know why we. I'm thinking about it, but we're never going to do that. We don't we get guests on and then we talk over them. This is yeah, it's just. The demos on this part. No, no, it's great. No, I was just I was trying to keep up and it felt it felt genuinely. Yeah, it was like it was just such a wonderful experience recording

this with you all. So thank you for having me. Thank you. It was a treat to have you. Absolutely. Check out the worst for possible worlds. They have a Patreon. We have a Patreon. You can subscribe to both. You can give us both your money. We will be back with a bonus episode, which is going to be, I think, Abigail. I think it's me, and we're going to watch. I fucking wanted it, baby. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm trying to get some fascist movies. Yeah. Well, thanks so much for coming, and we'll see you next time. Goodbye, everyone. Ciao. Bye. Ciao.

I'll let it channel. Oh. Aw. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. In two weeks' time on the free feed, it's... Our Tiger Agent, also 1965. I cannot stress enough how much all of these movies came out in 64 or 65 thus far. Baffling. Gen genuinely baffling. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then we have a Patreon, patreon.com,

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