Kill James Bond! - S3E13: Our Agent Tiger

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

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Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends Avgilthorn and Devon. Hello. Hello. Change of name. I think it's cool. Change of name. It's official.

I was hesitating on it for a long time. I was like, is it weird to be, is it weird to take your name after a month slash letter of the NATO Fanatic Alphabet? And then I was like, one of my friends is named after a county. Probably it's fine. You can do whatever you can just do whatever you want. You can name yourself anything. We just recorded an episode, which will be coming out in the future, in which we use the other name. Ah, fuck, I fucked the timeline.

Right. You don't know this. We go back. We go back. All the time in the world. My stance has always been like, whatever you introduce yourself at the start of the podcast, I'm sticking with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm sticking with Alice for the bonus feed only. You got to pay to hear me call myself that. So we're back at it again with another Euro spy movie. And this one, you may remember La Tigre M. La Cher Fresh, the Tiger likes fresh blood. Tiger loves going fresh. Which it was quite good.

Like it was weird. It was directed by Claude Chabrol, who was like this kind of like leading light of the French New Wave. You may remember it. It was the one where La Tigre cucked the Turkish ambassador. We discovered the Turkish people are very sexually liberal.

Yeah, we, I mean, listen, going in, this is also directed by the same guy, starring the same guy. I'm expecting great cinematography, great writing, baffling French prejudice. It's our Tiger agent or Le Tigre's perfume, Ella Dynamite, the Tiger perfumes himself with dynamite. One out of three ain't bad, baby. The tiger smells. Tiger smells like dynamite.

Tiger smells like dynamite. Yeah. Sure. OK. All right. And this was on the maybe pile. It belongs there. It's not good. It's not good.

It's it's kind of buff. They made about two thirds of a film. Yeah I had these these high expectations which were dashed instantly. I Thought my boy could do it twice, but we don't think I did it once they ask clutch of roll I Can you find something interesting like the germ of something interesting in a euros by genre and he's like yes once And that's, that's the tiger likes fresh blood. This, this is phoning it in. Ge telephone a little film

into the fucking studio. Like, the blood is not fresh. The blood is caked on. Yes. Some of it might be shit. So we open in Barcelona, which is brown. Do we? I know I did. But oh, yeah, of course we do. OK, fine. Yeah, we open in Barcelona. And as you say, the print in this is in glorious sewer color. It's yes.

What isn't what isn't brown is gray. And I don't think it was filmed that way, but I think it's aged that way. I think what's how it's come to us unfairly. Right. I think there's a lot of this that's meant the spectacle and like, oh, look, these beautiful landscapes and stuff that just does not come through at all. Yeah, so we get POV you are double O nine Yeah, genuinely we got a kind of like gun looming into the credit shop, which is fun

It's a like 1911 with a suspiciously droopy silencer. Yes I so I watched this film with nobody and the person who I didn't watch it with did notice this Yeah, very very very droopy silence. And this is a guy descending on a lift towards our boy, the tiger. And rare that you see like the protagonist in the 009 scene, you know, mixing it up a bit. And it's honestly kind of unclear what happens next. Like it seems like he tries to shoot the tiger, misses, and then just like kind of runs through

a fun fair. Yeah, does the tiger shoot him or does the non unseen sniper shoot him because this organization doesn't tolerate failure? I don't know. But first of all, we see him and it's an evil blonde man with a gun and I'm like, ah, Rouge Grant, perfect. We're ripping off from Russia with love, you know? Not so. Evil blonde man takes like two steps through this fun fair and is then instantly domed

off by, I think he, yeah, he gets shot by somebody and he falls over the phone. The editing is not clear. It's not the word dumb listeners. So the film isn't very well made. The whole, the whole episode is going to be like, I'm dumb. I am dumb. I'm watching this movie right now as we record to see what happens. I'm fucking stupid. Excuse me. But the tiger goes up to him, like, where he's like completely dead on the ground and he pulls a little note out of his pocket.

And the note, it says, you will not escape from the orchid and the orchid is like it all caps. Jokes on you, I already had my orchid deck to me. He dives off the edge of this, this like railing. Yeah. Oh, he does get shot by, by the Tiger agent lads. Oh, okay. Well, good work. It's the rare enemy 009. You know, unexpected.

You never see the 007 dome off your 009. Hmm, dentist by... Does it count as a 009? No, no, he's a reverse 009. No, I guess this is a different thing. Yeah, yeah, he's like number nine, you know, by the specs of logic, you know. At this point, a hotty in a red dress appears. Yeah, I write down, I have a passing 1960s woman dysphoria,

because she's in this movie to be like, yeah, go to fucking Guadalupe bit. Yeah. So they get on a Ferris wheel and she's, she's his contact, I guess. And she's like, go to Guadalupe, meet commander Damaric when you arrive. Would you like about 15 minutes of analysis about Guadalupe and its role in French colonialism? In a minute, because first I want to notice that like, they have this briefing on a ferris wheel. True.

And it's shot like POV, you're on a ferris wheel and it almost made me fucking motion sick the way this is felt. It's a bit, it's very strange. There are some interesting direct or real choices in this, but they're, they're not good, but they are atypical. Anyway, now tell me about Guadeloupe. Yeah. So Guadeloupe is a French overseas department, a French colony without the name, right? It started being an overseas department in 1946.

Interesting. I know. It became an overseas region in 74, but they only did that because there was like quite armed and violent independence movement. And I will point out two years after they made this movie in Guadalupe in Ponte Pietro, the city he goes to, they had race riots with like French cops like shooting into crowds, right? So this is we're making our Euros by movie like very much in sort of like contested colonial territory. And in hindsight, I wish that we had done this, like gotten more into this with like Bond and Jamaica and shit like that. But like, here is like, absolutely immediate. They're filming the movie around it. And what's the movie about? Ah, just some bullshit, you know? Yeah. Well, actually, I think if we had done this with Bond and Jamaica, it would have ended up a bit like this, because the plot of this movie about spoilers, Spectre is trying to orchestrate a revolution in Guadeloupe, which claims to be for the people, but actually is for their own nefarious

purposes. And it's like, we would have ended up with the same thing with Bond. It's like, oh, these decolonial revolutions, they might look, they sound good. In the same way that Roger Moore's one was like, oh, nuclear disarmament might sound good, but actually specter behind it. And it's like, fuck off. Mason I mean, Dr. No wasn't a communist. He was just toppling American missiles because he thought it was funny. Lysa Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Mason He was based of him. Lysa So we go to a very brown looking Guadalupe. I mean, the like the print is it's full. It's like it's like they they covered the lens and like wet teabags before they filmed any of this. Like you see this like beautiful, like this beautiful like sixties airliner touched down through like a haze of shit onto like a perfectly brown airstrip.

And you're like, this is a place that's supposed to be beautiful because of the way that you're filming it and it has not held up. And it's a real shame. So he meets commander Damarek, um, takes him to a boat and the editing at this point, we instead of having, so like, if you did this in a Bond movie, right? I'd go, okay, Mr. Bond, we're going to take you to the boat now. You would have had a shot of like the nice car sweeping down the road. You would have had the like the strings, sorry, you'd have had a shot of the yacht out in the bay, maybe then we'd cut to the yacht.

Instead, we have like close up on actor, close up on actor, close up on actor in a different location. No establishing shots, no flare, no, no passion. Like, you don't give us a shot of the water. There's no music. It's so like, what the fuck are you doing, man? But you know why? I have a theory about this. And this will come up a few times. No money, zero francs, no dollars. Like, No money. Yeah. When the money runs out and you can't get the establishing shots, then you have to try and salvage it in an editing room and that's what I think has happened. You only brought a portrait lens, we don't have a wide angle. But also it just, it makes the pacing of the film really weird because it feels like we're just fucking sprinting and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like show us some

Guadaloupe, man. Like, give us a shot of a beautiful car, like, you know, show us the sunrise, something like, no, next scene, go, go, go. Next scene. And this is like pure bond lift. It's like, well, check out this Navy stuff, right? Cause you like that. It's a secret Navy ship concealed in an ordinary boat.

The amount, when you start to notice just how much the only thing that these production companies could afford was a yacht. You really start to notice the like, yeah, this the end of this movie takes place on a yacht. The start of this movie takes place on the yacht and they've got a line that's like, I this might look like a little yacht, but it's actually bloody disguise. Inside is a movie set operation. Yeah, it's actually a soundstage in this in

this year, a very not moving. They are doing like secret French submarine spy shit with them, like French naval crew with the officers wearing dress whites, which is I appreciate that as a kind of like colonialism thing. Be like, well, standards go stay up, you know. So Commander Dan Ray tells him, yo, we found... Yeah, he says yo as well. Yo, it's weird.

He's like, it's a sub dog. What's up, the tiger? What's up? Hello, Lutigra. We've found a fucking French galleon, which has 700 gold ingots with 20 million dollars on it on board. Sure, okay. Fuck it, I'm down for this. Just like, just off the coast, we're going to recover all of that and take it back to France. Obviously, we're not going to let any of the people here get their dirty hands on it on board. Sure. Okay. Fuck it. I'm down for this. Just like just off the coast. We're going to recover all of that and take it back to France. Obviously, we're not going to let

any of the people here get their dirty hands on it. And you are here to basically supervise the recovery, which like great fucking spy mission. That would be a loads of fun. I'd love to have a spy mission like that. Fucking pirate treasure. Well, it's not really pirate treasure, but like galley. I don't know how to get assigned to those kinds of missions instead of my infiltrate podcast Really kind of like pushing on an open door as well, you know, like the first podcast to be 100% infiltrated It was really awkward when we all three of us found out we were from different spy agencies and we thought it was like a weird Yeah, that Thursday I'm glad we kept up the podcast then

Listen, it's just fun to do. It's just for a very real friendship over the course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the thing is, like, the section needs to spend that money. Otherwise, the budget goes down next year. So, like, it would happen anyway. But yeah, so they're like, right, we don't need you to do shit. We got you in from the Secret Service to supervise.

You don't dive, right? We dive, we're the Navy. We'll do all that shit. You stand on the bridge and like look cool. And we'll have like- Make sure we don't nick any of it basically. Yeah, basically. And by God, debate dive.

Oh, they dive. You remember Thunderball? You remember the film Thunderball? Remember how Thunderball had all those underwater sequences that were like interesting and fun to watch? They should never have invented underwater photography. It was a bad, bad mistake. What, to try all of these movies.

How do they make the sea look brown? Very brown sea. I mean, the thing is right. It's a it's a combination of two things, right? Thunderball and Jacques Cousteau, right? So if you try and copy Thundable in French, you get a bit of Cousteau in there, whether you want it or not. And so the end result is just these like, languorous, incomprehensible shots where like, at least four different factions of colour-coded scuba cunts are like fucking around down there. The other thing about scuba diving is,

what people don't realise when you go scuba diving is that it's fucking dark down there. Because the sunlight doesn't get there. You don't have to go down very far before it starts getting like seriously dark. If you go down to even just like 30 meters, it's like evening time down there and also very blue. And this film has not lit any of its underwater scenes. They've clearly just gone, that's fucking water in it. It's just the light and food that was lit by the sun. It's like, no, no, it's not fucking. It's not. It's the water

actually gets in the way of the light. You have to bring lights down with you, but they haven't bothered. So I can't fucking see anything that's happening. It's basically a night shoot down. Yeah, I wrote down a lot of spectacle and wonder that I can't see as well. Wow, cool. Wish I could see it. Yeah. So off this of these factions, we got the guys in the like black scuba gear are the French Navy. They're trying to like pull up the gold. Bring up gold. The least seeable faction of the fucking scuba guys. Those are the good guys. And then you've got a fucking red, yellow and blue scuba guys who sneak up on the boat, attach themselves to it with honest to God toilet plungers.

Yes. Just a wholesale toilet plungers from like a DIY store in Guadalupe. And then no budget, no budget, no dollar. Those scuba guys break the scuba code by conducting one of the most flagrant violations of the scuba code, piracy. Climbing aboard and immediately starting the killing. They wait for the French Navy to recover the gold and then they're like, it's gold time, baby. It's killing time. We got them. Yeah, they all get merked by a bunch of filthy Frank looking ass guys.

It's ridiculous. It's cool. A bunch of guys with their shirts are fighting. They all get put underground, and put below decks. And then there's this really beautiful humanizing moment of all of the goons that have just done this, like having a little sing song on the deck afterwards. Yeah, what was this? I didn't really appreciate that. It's just like the boys being like, yeah.

They're not even singing any words. Just la la la. Also, so Latigra is in this, right? He shoots somebody. Yeah, he is. What he does is he shoots, he fires four shots at one guy, then throws the gun away for no reason. Because I guess he has like kind of a like location based reasoning where like if you're on a boat, it makes the gun like a flintlock you had like thrown away. He fights a floor shop. It's like bang, bang, bang, bang. He gets a fight with another guy, punches the scuba goggles off him. And much like the flip flops in the last one we watched,

if you're getting items punched off of you in a fight, you're basically fucked. You gotta keep your inventory on you. All of these types of scenes... This whole action sequence, yeah, there's no music in this. A lot of it is shot from above. No money. No money. No money.

No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money.

No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. No money. Which is a really interesting choice, like down looking down into stairwells. Pas d'argent, Abigail.

It's so, I'm wondering why they do that. Also, there's another thing that happens where like, so it spends a lot of time showing us the corpses, which we wouldn't have in a Bond film. It's like really showing us the kind of the consequences of this violence. And I'm like, at this point, I didn't realize that this film was made for like no pens. And so I'm like, Oh, what's like the filmmaker trying to say here? I'm still trying to like analyze it before I just realized, Oh, it's a bad movie. Yeah. I mean, so, so, the filmmaker is trying to say one more movie.

Yeah. On deck, the boys are doing karaoke having that having one downstairs. Latigra is having like a fight scene that looks like it was filled under water. I'm fucking guy. This fellow wearing blue goes down into the control. This guy, this guy, I have a drop right, Nate, can you please I'll send you this separately to you can just mix in this is uninterrupted for length. What he sounds like he comes in the control room. LaTigra is hiding and this dude just is like Tegra is hiding and this dude just is like.

This is what recording fucking spy kids is like next week. It's just he's just like destroying everything and laughing like this the whole time. And my mind is such a good time. Did you just go here, mate? It's sort of contagious, actually. Uninterrupted. Yeah. He's just... He's really getting into the whole piracy thing.

Yeah, and then Latigra grabs him up. Yeah, of course. Garots him, yeah. Just the full length of that, and he's just just destroying it and it's a wide shot and you can see Latigra waiting to go in. This guy is functionally an orc, right? Like he's basically, he's having a great time. Latigra kills him.

Fucking DuVe from the last movie is with him as well. I wonder who the fuck this was. Yeah, it was DuVe. This is mate from the last one. Latigra well. I wonder who the fuck this was. Yeah, it was DuVay. It's his mate from the last one. Latigra's Jimmy Olsen? Yeah, the 100%. Also, I do want to say, as he hops over a thing, you get a shot of Latigra's disco-ass white loafers.

And I'm like, sick. So at this point, another boat rolls up to unload the gold. The bad guys rig the original boat to blow up. So Latigra has to jump overboard to unload the gold. The bad guys rig the original boat to blow up. So, Letigua has to like jump overboard to escape the explosion. And then him and Jimmy Olsen swim to shore. This is like the first time we get any music? They don't swim to shore. They swim to fucking Guyana.

Like, which is a different place. Like, later on on the same island, question mark, Jimmy Olsen sees like a sort of old prison and LaTigre goes, oh yeah, if you like murdered your sister or something 20 years ago, they would have sent you there, which he's alluding to like Devil's Island, the kind of like French prison transportation places like, you know, like in Papillon, a different country, whatever. My note for this whole sequence is if you like middle-aged

Frenchmen half running, have I got the film for you? They just gently jog around the island for the rest of the movie. Pretty much. Yeah, I'm trying to go in his boyfriend wash up on shore. Boyfriend is not said lightly, by the way, we'll get to that. Yeah. I just start like having a look around, just having a geese, basically.

Yeah. And they see this guy who's going to be one of our bad guys, Vermeerl, stepping off the boat with a briefcase. Do you like a really long shot of five men walking uncomfortably up a beach? Because we've got it. We saw those four men earlier at the airport, I forgot to mention. He like gets off the plane and like the plane and like four large men are there watching him, like check it out with four men.

Oh, I didn't notice that. Yeah, the four men is, they just reveal a bunch of standing dudes for a moment. So they go in for, they hide in the jungle as these four men are walking around uncomfortably. And then Tiger says, I'm going to go in for a closer look. And then Jimmy Olsen says, what, I don't get a kiss. And Latuce runs back, gives him a peck on the cheek and then goes back to infiltrating France, greatest nation in the world. Number one, no question. Rampant homoeroticism makes for a better spy movie. James Bond would never do this. That's why he's a worst spy.

Is this a French thing or? Yeah, for all French people, gay. Twink, Q. And he should have done it. Yeah, it's a thing in France. If you go to France, they don't actually view it as like normal to be straight, kind of the opposite, actually. Great. I need to be going be holding hands with your boys back. Go to France. So at this point, Vermeer goes and meets Sanchez, who is a kind of like deposed

Latin stereotype, earlier Latin stereotype that you sometimes see in like sort of haze code movies of like sort of genteel, well-mannered, like Latin American dictator. And he says, oh, we're taking delivery of like the gold of oppression and looks sort of meaningfully at a very attractive woman wearing a kind of Garisha outfit across the table. And I go, Oh, these are communists. I see communists. Yes. They'll be guer be real fighters.

So the plan is that Vermeer Al is from Spectre, or in this case, the Orchid. They have a whole bunch of guns, and they're going to take this gold from Sanchez and give him a bunch of guns to kind of establish his revolution so that he can become dictator. Sell him some tanks as well, which are made in France, which is interesting kind of like fifth column enemy within sort of anxiety, you know, dark forces within the French status of arming its enemy. Part of this deal is going to involve an American billionaire named Mike Mitchum, who I couldn't catch what his role in this is.

Is he like brokering it? Is he delivering the guns? Like, this is a really funny. It's like, fucks around. I always, I always love when I'm listening to a subtitle movie in a different language and they have like a white guy's name. Yeah. Just like, like French, French, French, French, Mike Mitchum.

It's really good. In the exact same tone as Macho Amaric saying, quantum, uh, Mitchum. Uh, Mitchum. So Tyga's overheard the plan. At this point, Jimmy Olsen is being peeping Tom. Yeah. He's watching some more of the careers, like with their, with their tops off. And what we're seeing here is like wet communists with their tits out. And it is the thing, right?

It would be hypocritical of me to say that this movie has a thing about female soldiers, right? But like I, I'm trying to thread the needle here. When I do it, it's progressive, right? And it's not misogynist. When this guy does it, it sucks. Well, interestingly, Tiger is jealous. Because he comes up and says, oh, you like soldiers now?

And Jimmy's like, no. Obviously, I'm gay. Of course, yeah. Yeah, the line is like, oh, there's a revolution and Jimmy's like left wing. And it's like, no, and he's like right wing. And so it goes worse. And that's as far as they go with it. Yeah. Just to be like, I don't worry about it.

Those Tommy Nazis. The Tiger sees a horse drawn, her in the jungle, which is being drawn through, which is like a strike. It's like a gear a wrath of God in terms of like sort of abruptness of image. It's really that's quite good. Like that was the bit that I was like, oh, there's some movie happening here. Yeah, happens once or twice. He actually makes a movie by accident for one scene. Yeah. Yeah. Once or twice is accurate.

So Latigra is putting stuff together in his head and then they just get out of their back to town, back to... Yeah. Back to Cayenne, apparently, which is the capital of Guyana, like a different whatever. Literally not the same. And then at this point we meet R.M. who's a guy named Pontellier, who is kind of ineffective and a bit shit. Yeah, he's literally the colonial officer.

And neither of them can stand him. He doesn't want to do any work. He's like, this is a shithole. I hate it here. Because Tiger's like, we got to, we got to arrest Mike Mitchum. We got to search his billionaire yacht. And Pontellier is like, no, we can't do that. Like Mike Mitchum was a stand up citizen, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sanchez is definitely a crook though. Yeah, he's a law cuck. Yeah. Also, by the way, Mike Mitchum's yacht outside the office window. They're looking at him through binoculars. And I will say Mike Mitchum is wearing the gold finger fit. Like, exactly. He's just gold finger.

He's gold finger, yeah. He's got the like gold LeMay sort of beach outfit. Pontellier uses a racial slur casually. Just drops that in. And apparently... French colonial officer. Yeah. When he reveals that the other guy he's thinking about is Sanchez.

The guy's like, oh, now you're hitting the big time. This guy sells precious woods, tin mines and wholesale lemon soda. It's like really like put upon kind of like backwards colonial officers being like, oh man, this is the real money out here. Wholesale lemonade. These motherfuckers love Ting or something, I guess. Yeah. I learned the French word for, um, for Tin off of this.

D'etat. So, yeah. Apparently, so the deal between Mike Mitchum and Spectre is going down tonight at a Chinese restaurant. So Tyger goes there to sort of snoop around. He gets captured. Oh my god. Okay, so this sequence, right?

He just gets captured. First of all, there's one interesting shot in this, which is as he's coming up to the Chinese restaurant, which exists as wholly just like meeting place for crooks, because nobody goes to it. Yeah, but joke is there's nobody. There's no Chinese people on the island, so nobody goes to a Chinese restaurant.

It's like a bad one, yeah. You can just go there. Yeah, I was expecting more racist Chinese bits, but no, in this case, you get like an interesting shot, like shot through the sign from above, and then he kind of wanders around for a bit. He does.

There's a, he gets jumped and there's a genuinely a shot where he looks exactly like Joe Biden, having lost his place. Where his arms at like wide angles, just sort of looking around a little bit. Yeah, just like confused old man. And then 30 guys come out of the world where I can start kicking him. And I reported that for my own purposes. He gets captured by Mike Mitchum and his boys He does and he kind of he does the kind of like brassy interrogation something again

Hmm Mike Mitchum slaps him but in the funniest possible way of slapping him like he's challenging him to a jewel Like he goes like backhand forehand back, backhand, all in one motion. It's like very funny. Um, love Mike Mitchum. He's really good. That's attached. Yeah.

And Mike, Mike's like, listen, you got to tell me this information because my birthday, I'm a little birthday boy. He says it's my birthday and I don't want to spend all night torturing you. I want to go and have a drink. Yeah. It's so funny. I really, yeah. Can we wrap this up because like I've got a party. I want to go and have a drink. Yeah. It's so funny. I really, yeah. Can we wrap this up because like I've got a party that I need to get to, you know?

And an ultimate kind of like shithouse thing to do. Leteiga is like, oh, that changes everything. Here, here, come here. Come here. Like, wait until he's writing zero and he sings him happy birthday and then gets the shit kicked out of him. It's very good. And then he gets locked in the Chinese restaurant's dungeon?

Yeah, the Chinese restaurant dungeon, the dungeon that they have in the Chinese restaurant. You go there if you go in and start ordering in perfect. White boy shocks Chinese restaurant owner by getting imprisoned in perfect dungeon. Yeah, me being imprisoned in perfect gunging. Oh, I know this food's about to be fire. For real, though. So, yeah, Mike Mitchum leaves and all of the Gareers show up and they just grab Mike Mitchum and it's his birthday. They march him down to the beach and with absolutely no ceremony, like firing squad execute him.

What the fuck was this about? It was his birthday. I thought this was the villain of the film, but then someone else was like, J- No, this mother fuck is dead. You can't execute someone by firing squad on their birthday. That's so insulting. J- The way that he's spoken about and shot and built up, the way that he gets time with like, the tigra and like, they get banter back and forth. He's like being set up as if not the primary antagonist, then a very decent secondary one and then he's just like fucking killed in the next scene. This one career commander, I don't even remember if she has a name.

No fuss. Like she's out here just like go off, like kill instantly. No G process whatsoever. Expectations subverted, I guess. Yeah. He took my boy out on his birthday. Yeah. Then they just leave and he has to like break out of the fucking Chinese restaurant Dungeon. Dungeon presumably he does that off screen. You hate to order in perfect Chinese and then immediately get executed by firing squad. Chinese restaurant and a shocks white boy by perfectly executing him with firing squad. And it was also like- I would be shocked to be honest.

Something else about the firing squad. No, no like, like, um, conscience bullet at all. Just one guy fires. The rest of them are just there for show. But like, no, he's the guy who's gonna kill you. Hmm. Yeah, and then just don't fuck around. The commander just comes and sprays the body with machine gun fire to make sure. Yeah, it's birthday! Oh, it's birthday!

He's not birthday for me. It's so mean to him. Really love it though. Fantastic stuff. Many happy returns. Oh. him. Really love it though. Fantastic stuff. Many happy returns. I guess Latif was just like fucking jogs back to town more or less. Yeah, let me just cut to the next scene, which is a kind of like luncheon party with the colonial officer. I'm like, what the fuck's happening? Yeah, Antonio

Banderos was in that scene, but they fucked that forward shit. So he, Pontelio is like, check it out. You remember the great spy chase, better movie than this about how like, there's, you know, camaraderie between spies of all nations. And there's like five of them who are in a kind of like, you know, cats versus dogs thing with each other. Well, they're here tonight. American FBI guy, we got Russian KGB guy, we got Chinese lady, we got West German guy, we got fifth guy, I don't remember what his deal is. So Latika was like, damn, every- All the kinds of guys. There's loads of spies on this island, like something must be going down here, what's going on? Yeah, what's fucking happening? So he chats to one of the other spies-

The Soviet one, who is like the nicest to him. Yeah, and they are all hunting the orch Soviet one who is like the nicest to him. Yeah. And they are, they're all hunting the orchid, which is like spectre, basically. And this like Sergei, the Russian guys that you're vermorelle and science are working for spectre. It's like, cause it's funny that like the French intelligence servers are kind of behind the curve on this. Yeah.

Also, yeah, just to note here, as of this point, the only black people we have seen in this movie are servants and musicians and this will remain true rest of the movie. Yes. And I gotta tell you I don't believe they were getting a paycheck. Nope. Also as they're having the this sort of soiree a plane air drops a bunch of leaflets red leaflets over the like general strike because the fucking committee for the revolution says so, you know, unclear the politics of this movie. They sort of are just pointing at like the situation in Cayenne or Guadalupe or Iana, whatever. Those three things are sort of one thing in

this movie and they're like, stuff's is happening politically over there. That's crazy. Anyway, I think the politics is really like very anti communist, but so anti communist in a way that doesn't even fucking make sense. It's like a phantasm of communism because the communists like also Nazis. And also, Europe by movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I tell you what, having watched this, I understand OSS Sondi said that like new ones, ton better. Yeah. Re-watching the OSS Sondi said movies after doing the Euro spy season, you really are. You're like, wow, this is so tightly observed.

Yeah, genuinely. Everything here is so good. Yeah. The other person at this party is the Korea commander who is Miss Sanchez, who's like Sanchez's wife or daughter, one of the two. Yeah. But then she goes up to Tiger and was like, yo, who's like Sanchez's wife or daughter? One of the two. But then she goes up to Tiger and was like, yo, what's up? And then immediately, like, extreme. Like the thing is, he flirts with her in like, you know, classic euros, by the way. But it does the thing that I quite like. I've talked about this before about how it's like

problematic, but it's a lot less toxic than the other options, which is where the sex is like obviously perfunctory and like playful for both of them. And she's like, hey, I want that like, Euros by Dick and he's like, sure. So they fuck, right? And then. But then. Then the movie starts getting good.

Then the movie starts getting good because she's like, thank you for the sex. Let me just reach over to the nightstand and hit the trap button. And she hits this button. And, oh my God. So- The bed retracts into the wall. She disappears back into the wall.

Yeah. Horizontal, like she's not moving up or down, like a Murphy bed, it just goes back into the wall and descending down in like sort of baskets in like concealed ceiling cavities. Are the four dudes plus a cowboy. Four guys. Hell yes. And I want to know these guys, right? There's no access up there. Those guys were in the ceiling

when they were fucking like they were leaning in like the lives of others, you know, they were experiencing pure parasociality in that moment. They were listening to them fuck. So I hate it when my hookup presses the button and then five dudes descend from the ceiling. One of them has a knife. Don't necessarily. One of them has a lasso? Again, I don't necessarily. Why do they have to be guys is my only note here.

None of them brought a gun. True. This is true. I really love the guy who is just like threateningly whirling a lasso after descending from the ceiling in the room that you're in. Just been like, you're gonna throw that at me, bro? Oh, he tries. He might have a foot away from you. He tries. Red Dead, Red Dead, Dead Two.

No, James. We'll get to that. This is, yeah. Sorry, this is Red Dead, Red Dead, Dead One is what this is. Like, he tries throwing him, uh, that tries throwing the lasso at him. And this surprisingly does not work. is what this is. Like he's throwing the lasso at him. And this surprisingly does not work.

I think he hits his friend with it. You get a lot of these goons in your spy movies. They really want to set themselves apart from their friends. So they pick one weapon to use. And you see this in John Wick movies as well. So it shows up with like, you know, Parasai or whatever. Don't go with a lasso.

Yeah. There are situations where you can really fuck yourself by trying to decide that this special weapon is your thing. As we all see. You know, my special exotic weapon is gun. Like full-size like AR-15 style. This is a gun, right? It shoots real bullets.

It's a tool, motherfucker. It just gets the job done. Yes. Yes. But he reached into the toolbox and he pulled out lasso. He's like, all right. A guy tries to like throw a knife at Latigra, and Latigra catches it in midair and throws it at another dude,

which is sick. Yeah, that is cool. But like a sort of heartless betrayal of the ethos of instantly throwing a throwing knife at someone, which as we know, in fondom. Yeah, we've stuffed a lot about this. I imagine if when you leave the the Enchman HQ, there's like a lucky dip for like, yeah, weapons going to be that day. It like comes up out of the ground on a sort of pedestal thing, you know, like a loot box.

And you're like, Oh, not the fucking last so. Oh, it's like hitman freelancer, you know, like it comes out of the. And you're like, Oh, not the fucking lasso. It's like hitman freelancer, you know, like it comes out of the thing and you're like, what am I doing with this? What do you want me to stick this on my fucking ass? What do you want me to? Okay, I'll use the lasso and hide in this woman's roof, I guess. Anyway, let's take a win somewhat unsurprisingly, given that none of these guys brought a gun. Yeah. Yeah. Brought a lasso to a gunfight.

Like the year of throwing was a knife guy and knife guy like threw that knife minute one, which- Yeah, throw your primary weapon away. Not a sensible decision. Yeah. Normally I'm in favor of throwing knives, but like in this case, it's really like now you don't have a knife and you're the only one who brought one. You can only throw your knife if it's not the one weapon you have.

If it's like a designator, if it's in an inventory as throwing knife, then fine, obviously throw it, but like this is just like a regular knife. You'd struggle coming down as the throwing knife guy because you have to like face away from him and then rotate and throw it. Mm-hmm, yeah, difficult. I just like resolutely ignoring the tiger for a second or two. We get some interesting shots here. He fights this guy.

Because the French Navy put the town under martial law. They just shut everything down. And we get a really surprisingly compellingly good shot or two shots of, you see some graffiti of like mandatory strike with a fucking shark nailed to somebody's wall, right? And you go, Jesus, okay, I guess I'm going on strike then. And then we pull out and we see that there's four sharks like in sequence like nailed down this street and you're like, Jesus Christ, if you're doing Spartacus shit to like, to sharks, I'm not, I'm not fucking around. Like I'm going on strike. Like, it's like fair enough, man. Yeah. If you care to do this to like, you know,

endangered wildlife to prove a point about labor relations. I'm, I'm, yeah, fine. Yeah, I didn't like this. It was sad. It made me sad. I like sharks. You shouldn't do that to animals. I mean, sharks were harmed in- They were. And they're fucking real too. It's such a shame. It's also a kind of like anti-trans threat. It started off the shark.

Kind of nailing a blah-haj to a door. Oh, Christ. Yeah. I mean, this did start off the shark reformation. So, you know, sort of a mixed bag, historically. Shark, Martin Luther King, nailing a shark to the... Yeah, sharks and Luther King. What, King? No, different Martin Luther for fuck's sake. Oh, fuck, yeah. Shark and yeah. Yeah, sharks and Luther.

Sorry, my brain just like auto completed and I mixed up Martin Luther with Martin Luther King. That was a different thing. That was like the shark struggle for civil rights. Like my predictive tax brain. They wouldn't do that by nailing sharks in people's door. No, no, no. That was the Fox later. So fucking, while the town is shut down, Mike Mitchum's widow is coming into town and the Americans, the FBI have like told the French about this and they're like, listen, we're gonna like take control of this.

It's fine. Don't worry about it. Hello to Mike's 10 out of 10 blonde American smoke show widow. Oh, my God. My goodness. This woman. Margaret Lee. I have 1960s woman dysphoria. It's the thing. But yeah, she gets into town. I think I just have 1960s woman lust. I know it's I want to be and to fuck like it's both. It's both.

You know, that classic combination of emotions. I will say this starts off a bit that like retroactively makes OSS Sunday set Rihanna Rapunpa much funnier, which is the one recurring joke in this movie And I think it's intentional is American accented French They go nuts for it the whole rest of them I got a drop here to show you the whole rest of the movie sounds like this because Pamela Mitchum talks like this. Lockeday and la révolution n'ont pas besoin de génie, Vérmorelle. Elles ont besoin de serviteur capable de vous éprudant.

Elles ont besoin de serviteur capable... It's why it almost speaks perfect French. It's hot. It's hot. This is the shit that gets you put in the fucking dungeon. Shiny flesh dungeon. As far as I'm concerned. I like it. This is the shit that gets you put in the fucking dungeon as far as I'm concerned. I like it.

The Cajun restaurant dungeon. During that scene, she's telling off Vermeerle because he's like fucked up sending the gold to their boss or something. Oh yeah, there's a funeral thing. And this is another one of those scenes where you see like in real time a guy realizing that the organization might not tolerate failure. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like always went out on the lima did this and she's like,

vermarelle, we don't need a fucking genius. We need dedicated servants. Vermarelle, two-shella plaque, metalique. But so yeah, what happens is a plaque, two-shella plaque, metalique. The deal is that there's a funeral for Make Me Chum in the like one church in Puan La Petra. And the litigra goes to this and immediately clocks that like, oh, the coffin's full of gold. That's the bit they're doing. And so just open the coffin containing the canonically 20 million dollar ton of gold. Yeah. And imagine if he'd been wrong is the thing because he fully like coffin flops the situation. Yeah.

Yeah. Instead he like has. Yeah, he has the coffin like taken back to the like bank and in the sort of like in the car. Fascinatingly heavy corpse your husband. Your husband very dense man made primarily of osmium. Very funny to arrive at the bank with a coffin and say I'd like to make a deposit. That's very funny. They'll put anything in a safety deposit box. The high end Swiss banks you can really do. Try to like squeeze a coffin into a wall of safety deposit boxes.

This is where we get the reveal, because Pam tells the Firmarelle and they're both orchid. And Pam is like, ah, you fucked up. We may or may not tolerate failure. Yeah. Set organization, not tolerate par de... Fuck, what's failure? Not tolerate par de la failure. Yeah, not tolerate par de la failure. This sets a little like status effect on Firmarele, which means that the entire rest of the movie,

he is a man who believes that the organization he's part of might not tolerate the failure he's just done. Every single scene of Vermeerle, you could tell it's kind of playing on his mind a little bit. Yeah, he's sweating. It has a little bit like George Osbourne energy, but you know how George Osbourne is sometimes just looks like a little bit sad? Like he never really got over the Thatcher died. And like he's always worried that at any moment the people of this country might realise how many of them he killed and might exact or justify revenge on him. Possibly.

He always looks like a little bit sort of sad and put up. That's what Vermeer Alspraygan. I will say in the course of her Tushila Plack-Metallique speech, she does slap him. And she slaps the slapping disparity in that family. Striking. Right. Like the husband, bitch bitch ass slap dueling slap sir Have you know on a slap her slaps? Full-throated good Lord mmm. Yeah

Yeah, you can you can tell who's doing the slapping in that marriage is what I'm saying. Oh my god. Yes. Yes, cause I'm saying. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Cause tiger is following them in a sick type. Very browny type. And at this point lasso guy comes back. All right. Red Dead Red Dead. So close range. The lasso hasn't helped him and he's like, fuck it. All right. I'm not giving up on this. What if I tried to get him from long range? So we see the lasso hasn't helped him and he's like fuck it all right I'm not giving up on this what if I tried to get him from long range true so we see the lasso guy bolting a red dot sight to your left successfully lasso the tiger as he drives by in a car he then gets him around the neck obviously yeah immediately gets pulled off the place he was stood on. The car is going at car speed.

Yeah. And he gets dragged behind it for several feet. It's like, do you, if you just push the brakes in the car and come to a stop. This is, this is cowboy excellence. This is a cowboy star. This is a fucking, uh, Cronstein rosette. Both of those happen at once. It must be, it must be This is a fucking Cronstein rosette. Both of those happen at once. It must be the opposite of a Cronstein rosette because he completely eats shit and fails.

And in fact, like they get out of the car to like look at this guy who's just died. He's on the ground, like he's been fucking degloved of the cult of assassination. And because the bad guys planted a bomb in the E type, the car then explodes. So if Lasso guy hadn't done this, Tiger would be alive. That's not the order of reference. What happens is right, he like lassoes him, gets around the neck, gets pulled off,

gets dragged down the road. And then they get out of the car, they go back and they're like, damn, this guy's D gloves as fuck, but he's still alive. And then a sniper in a tower effortlessly shoots the cowboy dent. In the middle of the head, he dies. The classic Alman in Hong Kong thing of like, you have a guy with a sniper rifle to back up your first assassin and you use him to shoot the assassin.

Why not shoot a tiger? Shoot the tiger. We had this in the last free movie. You've got one bullet and you've got your captioned henchman and the guy that you need to kill. And you've gone, I'm taking out my henchman. He's going to talk. He gets them like set perfect, like center of the forehead too. Like, yeah, man. And the tiger just like spins, shoots the guy. He falls off the tower and then the car explodes. Imagine being in the meeting, planning this fucking assassination. Be like, right, step one, we're going to plant a bomb in their car.

Cool. What else are we going to do? Well, I really want to use my last. I think he was like, I could prove the lasso is useful. You motherfuckers, you're not supporting me in the workplace. I am gonna go out there with my lasso and I'm gonna solve this fucking problem. What? The lasso guy saved the tiger's life.

If he had done nothing, the bomb would have gone off and they would have won. He gave his life to save James. Good night, cross-flights. Undercover cowboy agent. Like... He saved him from the bomb and he took that bullet for it. He saved his life twice.

And then at the end of that scene, the tiger's just like laughing. As you look at him, you are in that situation. Okay. Fucking fine. Great. If you tied the other end of the lasso to a tree, you would have broken his neck instead of just holding it. I want to know, like, how did they conceive of that?

When they were writing this. I guess it's meant to be a comedy. And this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. So fucking mission accomplished. Clutch and done it. This will be the episode I was him and originally getting pulled off. Yeah. Incredible shot. Oh, my God.

All right. But positive mental attitude off the tiger. As far as I can tell based on my notes, he immediately goes to Vermeerl's locale. Yeah, the zoo. It's a zoo because Vermeerl runs the zoo. He does run the zoo. And so what he does is they do some comp shit. They're like, let's toss the room. Who are you working for?

Fuck you. Who are you working for? Fine. By the numbers. Vermeer-El runs a slightly more subtle version of Napoleon Solo's classic. Always be escaping. If they think for a second that they have got you under control, use that moment to try to escape. Like, they get him in the office. He tries to go for a gun in the desk. They get get him in the office, he tries to go for a gun

in the desk, they get him in a secret room, he tries to go for a fucking like, I don't even know what he goes for, he just goes for something. He might be a lever of some kind. Yeah. Like he's always escaping. He's always going for it. I also really appreciate that like while they think he's a normal guy, when they're looking through his office, Duvet is like just pulling shit and thrown on the ground and maintaining eye contact with him. Really? He's like so insulting. Just like, fuck you. They find his secret room where they have a bunch of newspapers with tomorrow's date

saying Sanchez is president and Vermeerall is minister of the interior. So, okay. He's involved in the whole plan. Real smoking gun shit to be fair. Yeah. Um, Vermeerall then beats them by throwing water over the tiger whilst he's on the phone. Oh, that's what he does. Yeah. Which electrocutes him. Yeah, he knocks Duvet out by gently stroking his neck with a newspaper, buckets question mark.

Big paper cut. He puts Duvet in the device. Yeah, the printing press. Printing. Little press. Yeah. He's gonna get pressed. Yeah, he's getting... But he doesn't. No, he doesn't. Because like, Latigra was. Tomorrow's obituary is you. Hmm. I fucking tomorrow never dies ass. Latigra recovers from being electric either quickly

and have to like pull Duvet off the thing. But as Vermeer-Royle's escaping. I just want to notice this. But at no point during this process did Vermeer-Royle disarm the tiger. He still has a gun with him. Has a gun. Has a gun.

Vomeral just doesn't use it. Just doesn't use it. Walking away and he's like, by the way, I'm a Nazi. And again, the OSS-Sondyset bit of like the Nazi shit coming out of nowhere is like much fine. By the way, I am a Nazi. I'll hit the. It's pretty much like.

That's quite clean. That's quite clean. That's quite gross. Yeah. Abby, can we get one from the road? I'm good. Fuck. Look at you. Yeah.

He does. He does just be like, yo, that's that's my plan. And he also, he says that the tiger is from an inferior race. Yeah, he does. And this baffled me, right? Because so the actor playing the tiger is Jewish. Yes. I had to look this up and admittedly, right? Right, because so the actor playing the tiger is Jewish. But I had to look this up and admittedly, right,

if you're a Nazi, I imagine you're devoting a lot more of your like time and thinking into clocking whether or not someone might be Jewish, right? But like it genuinely- Barely crosses my mind. Yeah, did not occur to me. And so he's Vermeerl who has dark hair and dark eyes is telling this guy who has dark hair and dark eyes, the man of the future is going to be blonde haired blue.

I, he says to him, you will never be blonde, which is some insane fucking turf. Shit. And he's not blonde. He's not either. Like it just to me, right? I didn't clock that this was like anti-Semitism for a second. And I was just like, you're just hitting the racism button on a guy who happens to be French.

Like, it just be like, yeah, this guy's from a different race from me. French, I guess. And those guys will not go, they will not see heaven. Like, yes. What's the verbal doesn't kill him at this point? I'm not why not dude? This leaves is is like clock simmers Jewish is anti submissive to him and then leaves walks away. This leaves.

Yeah. Cool. What? So having left the good guys alive, strangely, the good guys then like search his office and find that he's been sending 20 sharks a day. Yes. To Hamburg. Yeah. And Hamburg zoo has been sending 20 sharks a day. Yes. To Hamburg Zoo. And Hamburg Zoo has been sending sharks back. 20 sharks a day. That's so many sharks.

So many fucking sharks. What the fuck? How many sharks is that a week? Just like in Hamburg Zoo. And they're like, do you honestly have shark exhibit? It's fucking massive. We have 14. 140 sharks a week, 560 sharks a month, 6,720 sharks a year to Hamburg. Just like in the Hamburg fucking tear garden and they're like, do you want to see 6,000 sharks?

And I'm like, well, kind of, but why, why the like do you honestly six thousand sharks? And I'm like well kind of but why do you, why the fuck do you? Little kid, little German boy walking into the fucking like Hamburg Museum. I got it. As the sharks at like Sadeen, yeah, crushed into this fucking enclosure. Either that or Hamburg has some very cheap cat food. They're huge on the soup, I think. Aw, horrible.

But he goes, well, what the fuck? Imagine the fucking plane space you would need. The fucking Afghan evacuation level airlift you would need. 20 sharks a day. Sharks on the plane. Recurated all of the sharks out of Afghanistan, but none of the interpreters. Yeah, it was so fucked up, man. Yeah, pen-filling shark chariot.

Well, I gotta take care of all these sharks. Yeah, it's kind of perverse to put a fish on a plane. That's not right. They shouldn't be up there. They can't comprehend that, man. Oh my god. Anyway, they find out, oh, actually, they're sending a shark to Hamburg right now. So they call the airline and say, put a freeze on that shark. I guess they're sending 20 of them a day. So this is like, any point during the day, you could just be like, stop that shark.

It would probably be like... Like one shark every hour and change. Yeah. Like in the French Embassy and being like, look, there's a cargo plane for shark being put on it. Stop it. Bring me that shark. I need to figure some shit out. Yeah.

You can just say any shit you want when you're a spy. Yeah. They take the shark to a hospital. The doctor is doing bits. There is a little fucking thing here, but I do want to highlight a bit of French chauvinism as they go, do these guys have a hospital? Speaking of course of the capital city of a country. Ow.

Yeah. And they do. They do. They have one doctor who is doing bits and the most astoundingly beautiful woman I've ever seen in a film. Yes. Very busty nurse. Yep, busty nurse, busty French nurse, costume,

bark, bark, bark, woof, woof, woof. I have COVIDs, things of this nature. Milk, big mommy, milkers. And so he brings the shark in there, and they fucking like, The shark is dead. And settle the grammar, which I do not approve of. They x-ray it, they x-ray the shark.

The shark is just like strapped to a bench, being like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah, this entire scene, a shark is strapped to a bench in the foreground, which is kind of funny. Except for that's a real shark they've killed for the movie. Sending hamburg, zoo, 20 dead sharks a day because there's no provision for keeping them alive. They don't bother with this because what they actually go is they go, oh, the shark is sedated, Comet. And we're like, no, he isn't. I assumed that was a joke because the shark is notably not in the water

where the shark needs to be. And I was like, oh, they sedated. Are they pumping water over its gills to keep it alive? No. The shark is dead. They killed their animals, and they're like, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. One of my favorite animals, too.

Yeah, Martin Luther King. No. I have a dream where black tips are... So finish the line. And white tips are... It's about to nail the shark fin. Good. Okay.

Martin Luther King is gonna nail that shark to a door over the general strike in Guadaloupe. Yeah. And they find out that the shark contains a mini-disc. Yeah, it has a tape. There's over 5,000 songs that have been downloaded onto that shark. The shark contains a coded message to the Nazi who runs Humboldt Zoo. Yeah. And now send this guy 20 a day. That is a chosen way. Oh, she need to talk to this motherfucker. Also, why is the message also in code?

By my last shock. They are communicating via shark. Why are you in a position where you need to send 20 a day? How are you in a... They're not going back and forth within 24 hours, are they? Like, you're not gonna be replying. But the shark latency. I guess maybe he's just got several conversations ongoing.

It's just happened so- I hate it when I check my shark and there's like 500 messages in the group chat. That's why they would nail it onto a door if you opened up the shark attention. I was trying to be beside it. They were coming. Oh, it takes a bit, but they've got two funny ideas in the middle of the move. When I started watching this, I was like, don't even bother a shit. I was so wrong.

I was so wrong. Oh my God. Okay, right. So, somehow... Put it back together. Somehow, Duvet cracks the code in this message. Not entirely sure how it does this thing. Yeah, it's like a fucking Nazi Sudoku or something.

The revolution is still on. The boss is coming to town. The chief of the orchid is coming. And instead of being paid in the gold, because we fucked that up, we're now going to be paid in tin. Which, hmm, why? Well, we instantly figured that out, because the tin in this area has uranium in it. And if spec to get that, they can use it to make a bomb, we presume. Man, you stuff enough sharks together, and you've got yourself a nuclear weapon then. Yeah, they gave up on putting all the gold into one coffin.

And I just like, what if I put one gold ingot into 30 sharks? And then it was tin. Yeah. Well, they did lose the gold. That is true. At this point, Pam calls the tiger and says, come on to the yacht and fuck my pussy. Yeah, she does. And I love to get a phone call like that And as you literally do get phone calls like that.

I believe that you've got calls like that. So I've not gotten calls like that about a yacht. Oh, so it's the yacht part that matters to you. I see how it is. Well, both together. But yeah, so as as he's leaving, Duvay is like, where's my fucking kiss? Do I not just get one?

Like he gets jealous again. No, I love Duv one? Like, he gets jealous again. No. I love to face. Oh, you know, I get this little kiss. And then then the tiger has a scene with Pamela Mitchum. Pamela Mitchum. Pam going, not yet. Oh, go on. Sorry.

First, he meets Sergei, the Russian spy outside. Sergei is just like, I need to be killed now. He gets shot by the window sniper, who again does not kill the tiger. And then I know who the head of spectre is. L. Hans, Hans Wundschendorf. Yes, Hans Wundschendorf. And the guy goes, the fuck is Hans Wundschendorf? At this point, I was like, okay, like the leader of the spectre is obviously going to be like

someone we've already met, right? It's going to turn out to be like Vermeurelle or Duvet or Pam maybe, like, because the reason so many films do that is like, oh, the bad guys, someone we've already met is because of me. You don't have to waste time setting up characterization in Act 3. It's like, oh, it's someone we already know. Great. Okay. Yeah, it's the author of All Your Pain.

This film does not do that. So instead, later on, we're just going to meet an entirely new dude who's our main villain for the last five minutes. Hans Wunschendorf. Yeah, he's the author of all your pain, but he's been writing it on a shark and sending it. Long distance. Yeah, the shi-

the shi- correspondence course in your pain. Dino Schmelz. Yeah. So he goes like, Sergey gets killed and he gets like, he goes to the yacht mad. And he enters into the hookup mad, but meanwhile. So mad, I'm gonna go have sex with my boyfriend so I'm not mad anymore. Pamela hits him with some real voice training moment.

She's like, my darling, my darling. Which I'm keeping that for future use to work towards. And then she's like, how would you like it if I was racist to you? She says you're from an inferior race. Yeah, genuinely. She's like, what if I busted out the like Nazi role play right now? Which like, bro. Okay.

First of all, I am a Nazi. However, would you like to fuck? Yeah. Would you like to fuck some Nazi style? I don't want to know what fucking Nazi style is. I know if I shit eyes enjoyable. No. So he slaps her, which is not good.

And she immediately... You can slap Nazis. Yeah. Yeah, but like, this is actually before she swings the Nazi thing on him. Oh, okay. That's bad. Yeah, yeah like this is actually before she's wearing some nasty thing on him. Oh, okay. That's bad. Cause she, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause she's like, hey, why don't you fuck my pussy? And he slaps her and he's like my best friend, I guess, just got killed. Tell me why.

Fucked up for duvet. Yeah. And then, then she's like laughing evenly. Like she plays this off. I will say this. Like I appreciate how much she like takes all the power back off of him, even though he like hits her. And then she kind of sexually assaults him by being like, do you want to do Nazi stuff? Because I do. So like, she literally she won't let him leave until he fucks her Nazi style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like, she says, you're from an inferior race. Do you want to bust in my pussy? Yeah. He slaps her. I thought that was the opposite of what the Nazis view of, like, whatever.

She's like typical male aggression. And then she says, you're only fit to live in kennels, which... No one in our audience would. Yeah, I'm just gonna hit like a clicker a bunch of times. I don't really know what the cat equivalent of kennels is, but you can put a cat and kennels in pretty certain like. Yeah, I don't like it. Cats don't like fucking anything, you know, like just a straw.

That is true. They really are fucking. Anyway, yeah. They fuck. They fuck Nazi style. They fuck Nazi style. They fuck Nazi style. He fucked Nazi style. He then leaves and then we get the reveal cause Pam then calls the American embassies like, Hey, this is Pam. I'm not a Nazi.

I'm with the CIA. Yeah. She was just doing this for fun. Like she just has like a race play thing going on. Like she didn't need to. She didn't need to do this. You know, like, Yeah. What was the point of any of this? She could have just been like, Hey, I'm in the CIA.

Do you want to like fucking my pussy? But like, yeah, she could have told him. It's the least interesting way I could have phrased that. It's like, I want to make fuck with you kind of ass. Vermeerl hears this and is like, ah, and then at this point, the tiger is captured by Vermeerl's self driving car. What I really love is the the tiger's like, this broad's like, all right, we're gonna we're gonna capture you.

I'm a Nazi. We're gonna capture you and you're gonna wait for fucking Hans von Wuchendorf to arrive. Yeah. And he escapes and he goes, well, I gotta get away from this fucking Hans von Wuchendorf. Hmm. Sits down in in a car and immediately all the doors lock and you hear some voice go the way because my name is the tiger is is Hans von Wurzchen doors. And you're like, fuck, fuck.

Shit. So one thing I didn't want. They get self driving car directly to the final act of the movie, which is the zoo. The zoo. Act of the zoo. Very funny to have your climax take place in a zoo. And immediately, first of all, this woman has been captured and they have placed her in a kind of leopard print slave layer ensemble.

She's like chained to the wall. Yeah, it's not good. Hans Heinz von Wunschendorf shows up. He's got a monocle, which I would appreciate. He has a monocle, he does a Hitler salute, that's the extent of his character. I mean, the thing is, he comes to the meeting, right? He chairs the meeting. He's like, hi, oh, me, does the Hitler salute, that's the extent of his character. I mean, the thing is, he comes to the meeting, right? He chairs the meeting. He's like, Hylme, does the Hitler salute, everyone else claps. And I've, you've got to think it's got to be embarrassing, right?

If you're the only guy doing the Nazi salute. And the response is like polite applause. Everyone's like, yay! Not even, not even that, just like, like golf clap. What is this, the conservative party conference? What is this, conservative party conference? What is this? Jenny looks about five seconds off killing himself for this entire

Because like the gold shit went down like Hans and we should do it's like bro. How are we sending the uranium and he goes Yeah, he honestly does just Prompted like a guy has to like nudge him. We're like, he's talking to you. But genuinely, he's lost in reveries. Like, fuck, if anyone's not going to tolerate failure, it's this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. He's thinking about all the objects around her that might be concealing a metal plate.

It just goes, I fuck it. The uranium's in the cage bar. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fine. The tiger is brought in and captured. Great. Cool. Yeah. But then he picks his handcuffs using Pam's hairpin. Sure. But at this point, the movie runs out of money. And yes, it's really noticeable. $0. Yeah. Because this is the point where we should have our like big climax, right? But instead, what happens is we cut to footage of animals in the zoo and then have like soldiers and guns fire over it. Yes, you're supposed to take from this that the the French Navy has infiltrated

or has just like, they've started their attack. The rebels have arrived. It's the end of Star Wars. They came. Wow, they heard the thing, you know? Mm hmm. Sure. And but they don't have the budget for that. So instead, there's just a lot of shots of animals looking panicked and like gunshots.

You get a bizarre shot mixed into this of Duvet getting out of bed completely naked and just his bare ass. What's that about? Because he's called the cops. Who saved the day? I think it's a comedy, baby called the cops. I who saved the day? How phones the the American Embassy. Oh, they know where she was in the zoo. I don't know.

The movie ends and the tiger doesn't do anything. He has a fight first. He has a he has what I've written down here as a shirtless Nazi whip fight circus. Yeah. So he run like so he escapes from the place where he's being held and they run for it. And then he winds up in a cage and all the bad guys are like watching him. And I'm like, the end of Salo. When did you set this up? Yeah. Is that your plan to let him escape and run? Because as he's running,

they very clearly have opportunities to shoot him and to do not. So I'm like, are you trying to get him into the cage? Why? I don't know. There's two big shirtless Nazi dudes like the Indiana Jones guy just whipping him. This is meant to be a kind of like display of racial superiority. Like it's very odd, but anyway, he beats them at great length. And then the bad guys...

All of the Nazis are like sat around watching this this like guys watching the penguin display at the zoo. It's fucking bizarre. And then the bad guys run, they are captured, Pam kisses Tiger, and then the film ends so hard, there aren't even any credits. No, just a far. What I do really like, there's a slight slapstick niche, all the villains are trying to run away, but they're trying to like go through the back ways of the zoo. And they're like crowded up against the bars, just be like,erell, Vermerell, you have to unlock it. And there's like a really long shot of Vermerell having to unlock. There's a tiger there, which you would think would maul somebody, but no.

Yeah, like I thought Vermerell very depressedly walks up to the tiger and my reader that was like, oh, he's gonna like, let the tiger out. Suicide by tiger, yeah. Yeah, that's thematic. Touch the metal tiger. The guy is the tiger, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's thematic. Touch the metal tiger. The guy is the tiger. Yeah.

Interesting. Doesn't happen. Movies over. Yeah, they just get, the garrillas all get arrested. Movie ends. Movie ends. My movie ends. Tiger fails completely and the cops saved him somehow.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's why they didn't make another movie. I was immediately told to retire by the French government. Yeah. What a bizarre time. The movie just ends because it just ran out of fucking money. It just ends. I'm so glad we watched it.

Spent all the money on sharks. Well, we got the shark thing and the guy with the... The shark thing? I don't think I've laughed harder in a minute. So, yeah, that'll do. But we don't have to speculate idly about numbers of sharks killed. We have a science-based system. It sounds for sharks.

Culling of sharks, unprovoked murder of sharks, and murder of sharks. It's called the Scum System. It sounds for smarm cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny. How smarmy is our tiger agent? And I mean, kind of not very is my thought like it's too. Not hugely. No, like the one woman he like actively tries to pursue rather than coming to him is just like, he's just like, Hey, do you want to fuck? Like, Doesn't he have any like lines? He just have lines, but he doesn't have any like, but I like bond lines. Yeah.

The line asking if they have a hospital is kind of smiley, but like also racist. In fact, the bit, the bit where like he hits on the guerrilla soldier lady, he like very pointedly does not really have a line and she just says like, oh, can we have sex? And he's like, yeah, I got two hours. Yeah.

That's it. It might be like one, two. I don't know. Yeah. One. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, that's it. It might be like one, two, I don't know. Yeah, one? Yeah, sure. Yeah, like nothing. All of the jokes are offset to like duvet. So he doesn't even say anything funny really.

Yeah, just one. Yeah, cultural sensitivity. Oh, I mean, it's more interesting that you set the thing in a French colony that is sort of at the time you're filming it experiencing like sort of serious racial tensions and violence. And then your film is sort of about that but not really, right? Yeah. Because politically you're trying to do like... Yeah, to say that anti-colonial struggles aren't necessarily like a mastermind by criminal organisations is fucking gross.

Yeah, criminal organisations and Nazis as well, which bizarre. And these communists are Nazis. They're crazy. Cool, man, what? Also, like, all your sort of like, You're literally French. You're literally French. Yeah. literally French. I've had to have a servants and shit. It's not cool. Literally French. Yeah.

Literally French. It's, yeah, I think it must be like a five. I can't go lower than six. Six? Really? Yeah. Like that's fucking gross to say that like this decolonial revolution is fucking like Nazi criminals shit.

Yeah. It's like a mission plus because they're in there but they're all in the background. It's, now it's fucked up. Yeah, six, six a mission plus because they're in there, but they're all in the background. It's now it's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Six, six. Unprovoked violence. I mean, if you include violence against sharks, of course, of course we do, which I genuinely do. I was very upset about it. This is a matter. They do. True.

I'm not going to argue with you. They get a bad rap. Don't worry. They'll be here long after we're gone. To quote Donald Trump. That's true. I just had a Trump Sharks quote just on deck for this. Trump, there's a lot of Trump Sharks quotes to be fair. He's not a fan of Sharks, but he does recognize they'll be here long after we're gone.

Mm-hmm. Unprovoked mean towards humans. Not a ton, almost none even. Yeah. Yeah. I would even put that down at like one or two again. And I'm struggling to think of what justifies the two. Should we say one and then bracket seven sharks? Can we add two for animal cruelty?

Yeah, go on. Animal cruelty is fucked. Yeah, you're right. Three. Fine. And then. Mr. One thing we didn't mention is that at one point, the tiger does actually just sexually assault a secretary. He just like slaps her on the arse. Oh, I completely missed that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he does.

Yeah, he definitely does do that. Mm hmm. So that's at least two. That's an on camera sexual assault. Otherwise the sexiness is kind of perfunctory. It sort of happens because they're like, all right, we need to have a scene where the tiger shags now, I guess. And both times he's...

Well, both times the women are quitting rape by deception on him. So... Yeah. All of the women in the film are like sexual. Pretending to be a Nazi, which you would not think would be as successful or tactic as it turns out to be. Interesting. It's the only movie we've ever seen where the 007 gets sexually assaulted more than

he sexually assaults anyone. It's true. It's KD ratios for shit. Really odd. But like literally every woman in this, even his contact at the start, like women can only be in this movie if they're like sexual objects, which I think is. And none of the women really do anything besides like she's in the CIA, but she gets captured, which... Also, he doesn't save her.

No, she's just a rascal. He just follows him when he's escaping. It's quite high. It is actually pretty big. Especially with the fucking leopard print. Yeah, five, five. Yeah. Um, that gets us a total score of 15, which I think is better than it deserves, but it is a science based system.

Mm hmm. I mean, you know, it's worse than the last one. And it's the only one, you know, left in the, the Tiger franchise, you know, they didn't make any more of these. Surprising. Not with a bang, but with a very sudden cut. No, with a bang or the tiger. But with a silent roar of a shark. One of the movies that would have most benefited from the Italian

thing of just having like fine. Yeah, yeah. Just like, yeah, OK. Mediocre, but we had two bits where I laughed really hard, talking to my two best friends about it. Yeah. Good night, cross to the fucking lasso guy What are you doing brother? No questions. What did you think would happen there? Love ya Yes, assisted the forces of good so much

Ever to win a good night cross by mistake Yeah Accidental award it's like the only guys to like win an iron cross fighting for the allies or something, you know The own goal so hard, but even like the team were like, all right, yeah, man, you know, this is a Patreon feed. You can send us five dollars a month and we will send you a shark with a bonus podcast. That's true.

And that bonus podcast next time is going to be Tom Walker and Demi Lardner back again for Spy Kids for we have all the time in the world. They did another Spy Kids. We just recorded it this morning and it was fucking banger. Incredible work by us. So phenomenal job us and our friends. Yeah. Yeah, give us your money.

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