Upstream - S3E14: Modesty Blaise

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

It's time for another Eurospy spoof. This movie, based on the 'Modesty Blaise' comics by Peter O'Donnell, was written and directed by Joseph Losey to be 'A pop-art inspired spoof, with over-the-top set design, """Avante-garde editing""", and deliberate continuity problems'. It was nominated for a Palme d'Or at Cannes. He made a bad movie on purpose, as a joke. We have differing opinions on if he managed.   ------ FREE PALESTINE palestineaction.org/donate https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

To light the fuse. To push the button. To squeeze the trigger. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devon. Hey. How you doing? And we watched 1966's Modesty Blaze in the course of finishing out our season of solidarity, our Euro spy season. And let me just say, is going to be this is my Zardos.

Like Zardos was already my Zardos, but this is this is the Nova Zardos. Because like this is I saw this movie and for the first half hour, I was like, what the fuck is this? This is bullshit. I hate my job. I only do it to pay for my skincare routine. And then for the back hour and a half of it, I was like, this movie is going to be part of my personality forever now. Whereas I had the complete inverted experience,

because of the first 45 minutes of this, I was just like, oh, this is cool. This rule's actually. And then I was just like, okay, you kind of lost me. The dialectic that makes the show exciting. And I'm here. I had a great time the whole way through. In a sort of like Heigheley dialectic,

the most important thing is that sometimes there's a third person just around. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he said that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So Modesty Blaze. What is it? Thesis, antithesis, definitely. Yeah.

How you doing? So Modesty Blaze was a newspaper comic and it has been adapted. It's like a, the vibe was sort of girl spy, right? What if James Bond was a woman? Yeah. And had a working class co-conspirator who they did not fuck, but always seemed like they were right about to. Which is an interesting dynamic. And like I'm sort of fairly fond of this.

It's newspaper comics that was a weird art form, you know, turning fucking Mary Worth into sort of big budgets by film or whatever is sort of like a frost experience, but Garfield. I mean, Riverdale,dale, things of this nature. Yeah. Gerard, she wasn't a newspaper, regardless. Rex Morgan, MD. What does this is just turning into what's the most obscure newspaper

comic I can read? I read the comics, can imagine back in the day. Felix the cat. Okay. Wow. Also, it was published by a guy who sometimes published it under a female name. Yep. A guy who exclusively wrote strong female characters, including a bunch of very well-regarded still gothic romance novels, all of which had female protagonists. nice that in this day and age, you don't have to have that kind of biography without the and then transitioned or like the phrase later known as in that biography, you know?

Yes. Well, mainly because he's dead. Well, I mean, you don't get much later known as than being dead, I suppose. Yes, true. It's true. It's true. Modesty plays. Trans, transition, we can headcount in the transition if I'm dead. It's fine, I think.

There's a hundred percent like a trans reading it. Well, the thing is, I'll get to this later, but this movie is for the LGBT community, which is one reason why I'm so fond of it. And by way of explaining that, we open in a completely white modernist apartment with a kind of conversation pit bed. I do love the bed in this. Yes. So the room also rotates. Yes, it does. It is also the knife room and the computer room, and there's a bath in it.

I describe it in my notes as the female living space with the phrase, they hate how much we need to be happy. I do love that the bath with the but like the tap in the bath is shaped like a big cat's head. I really want that. Yeah, it's perfect. All of a set design is fantastic in this movie. Yeah, no, it's incredible. This is Modesty Blaze's apartment.

Yes. And the outside of the room rotates and brings in her, I guess, Asian butler. Man servant. Yeah. Man servant. Yeah. Problematic character.

Back in the day, this was just a thing that you could milk for sort of lightly comic effect like the Pink Panther movies, except much less of a character here even. Yeah. And Modesty plays Monica Viti, beautiful, however, first English speaking role. And at this point, I would like to introduce a new award to the thing, the Gal Gadot Award for English in a foreign language, because... Bless her, she tries her best. I think she does a fine job.

Enough modesty to fill the aisle. She's a really good actor. It's quite heavily accented and I'm being cruel about it. She's been having a while ago that was like Gal Gadot, former IDF soldier and attempted actor. Oh, damn. Rekt. Yeah. So, well, yeah. But so she is international woman of mystery, former international criminal and current

sometimes spy modesty plays. And she's a Scorpio, which is how I knew I was in trouble. She's got a big scorpion tattoo, which fucking goes off as well. I know, I know. I do like Scorpio. It's a weakness and bad weakness for Scorpio's too. It's more like she's got like a large scorpion by-road on her leg. Yeah, okay. The fake tattoo technology hadn't really advanced.

Yeah, there's a guy later who has a shitload of facial tattoos and it's just like a child was in a room while he was asleep or something. It was a sleep or something. Yeah. Oh, OK. Mm-hmm. But yeah, she- Crimes are a foot. Crimes are a foot.

And she is told this by sort of like print out, spewing out of her extremely femme computer. Presumably make a massive noise and make it difficult to sleep in her sort of conversation pit bed or whatever. Yeah. So it's also, by the way, she sleeps in like full makeup and a dress. I mean, listen, sometimes you're too lazy to get the cleansing wipes out of the bag.

It happens. So we get a theme. We can't use the wipes. Then I'll fuck you up. Okay. What? Every time. What am I meant to do?

My cellar water. My cellar water. What the fuck are they doing to water these? Anyway, it's not water. It's we get a theme song, which is written for her with lyrics, which puts this immediately in a sort of higher category than a lot of the Euros by shit we've been watching. The lyrics are not good lyrics, and I have sampled one here. If you're a master of the underworld, you'll be accepted in her queue.

It's sort of all like this. Yeah, she's going to kill you eventually. Yeah, it's Goldfinger with a kill you. Yeah. Eventually. Yeah. It's gold finger with a head injury. Mm-hmm. Yes. And. Hunter. Yeah, it's great actually.

She's very good. We cut to the Brits. The Brits are having some sort of a problem. Yeah. Amsterdam. Amsterdam. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

M's going like, what do we need modesty plays for? We've got our best agent on this. We see our sort of bond figure. It's less bond and more John Steed from The Avengers. He has like the hat and the umbrella. Broly. This is my grandpa. And I'm so sorry because he presses the doorbell of an apartment at Amsterdam and is immediately exploded. Yeah, the classic Tannerite doorbell.

They 009, 007, like in the first scene of this movie, pretty much. Yeah. And then, of course, the Brits are like, well, fuck, I guess we need to, you know, get in the disreputable modesty plays. You know, what's she up to? And the answer is driving around central London and I get completely neurodivergently sniped by a very brief shot of a 1960s signalized road crossing because they didn't invent the- You can never guess what it's going to be.

No, no. I mean, it's got a very different pan. I think it's a z- I think it's a panda crossing, actually. Like, I mean, this was like like it all introduced in a very decentralized way. The traffic lights, the red one has like a stop printed on it and letters as well. Oh, I love you. Oh, fucking talking to you. I love you so much. The crime that's occurring is that some diamonds are getting nicked or not nicked. Yes.

No, they're being sent to a shape. Yeah. So, okay, so we'll get this. So they bring what is the in, an M and the, I guess, defence minister? Yes. Brief her. So what this is, this is M is a guy called Tarant, he's played by Harry Andrews. Very, very similar vibe.

Sometimes it acts as just recycles in life they respawn and so The guy who plays Lane and madmen whose name I'm completely blanking out the moment. That's the same guy They have like 90% the same face. They're like basically the same actor. So if you just picture that guy He's sort of the M and then his boss is I He's sort of the M and then his boss is, I suspect, a thinly veiled caricature of Roy Jenkins, the like 1960s home secretary, because he's got a very thick Welsh accent. And he does these kind of like malopropisms. Is that meant to be Welsh? I think so. Oh, that was what that was.

I think it's meant to be Welsh. That makes sense. Oh! Hmm. All right. Anyway, they bring a lot of steam and they brief her and they're like, yo, 15 years ago, we owned a small country in the Middle East called Messera. We gave it back to the natives in decolonization. And since then, it's gone to seed. Yeah, they have a little like, I mean, they make decolonialized decolonization explicit in the thing. They have a sort of like tough laugh about it.

Yeah. Another like your but the one thing they do have is a lot of oil. So we are going to give them. In fact, there's a really good drop here as they explain like the leader of this country, Abu Tahir has been like, could and they need these diamonds to shore him up. And so But practical purposes, Abu Tahir is a Democrat and we support him in exchange for a small oil concession. So you have your like Bush I heart oil T-shirt. So we are going to give him 50 million pounds in diamonds in exchange for this oil, but someone is trying to stop us because my grandpa was supposed to be handling this and then he got exploded by the Tannerite doorbell. So we need you to make sure this goes off without a hitch.

Yeah, yeah, and she, you know, warns them up front, like, if you fuck with me, I am going to go modesty blaze mode and I'm going to go back to my, like, thief ways and I'm going to steal your fucking diamonds. She also gets an owning on them because when they're talking about the kingdom of Masaru, they're like, oh, it's it's ever so small, barely worth putting on the map. And she goes, yeah, it's about the size of England and Wales. Really good stuff. She is meant to be British, really. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Uh, sort of. She's meant to be like a displaced person and then naturalized British. Anyway, she and Tarrant, this M figure go to see them Abu Tahrir and he's doing the like gentile British Arabist vibe including a fantastic line and a woman amongst Muslims has to be particularly careful. And I'm thinking watching this. Oh, this is like 1960s piece of shit stuff like we're used to but as it's a ratchet

It's up to that level. I'm like wait a second You're gonna subvert this aren't you and so they immediately do by having the guy just be white Yeah, by having by having Abu Taha be a white guy who is the besties He is a hundred percent besties with modesty He like knows her evolved and so all of the like arabistic decorum, so tatic zone stuff just goes out the window immediately because she's like, ah, come in here. It's great.

Yeah. And he's just like, she is my son. You know, very transgender. 100% the transgender reading begins here when when Abu Tahrir with an alarming like false hook nose goes, yeah, this is my son. And Tarrant goes, yeah, this is my son and Tarant goes, it's surely a biological female, two ex chromosomes. And he goes, listen, shut the fuck up in Islam.

This is perfectly understandable. I'm barely changing the dialogue, by the way. Almost, yeah, 100%. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of- She's too fierce to be a daughter. Yeah, it's a little bit like the wind and the lion again, you know? Like she's too strong to be a daughter. Yeah. It's a little bit like the wind and the lion again. You know, like she's too strong to be a woman.

She's so good at chess. Imagine if there was a character who was so badass, but everyone referred to her as a man and she was some kind of like some sort of thief. That'd be a really great character that I would love to play in. No, I don't be crazy. Maybe boats could be involved like you're a spy movies. I don't know. That'd be crazy, wouldn't that be interesting? Maybe boats could be involved, like Euro spy movies. That'd be really crazy. Anyway.

Yeah. Anyway, so Abu Tahrir tries to assassinate Queen Elizabeth II, something which he would later succeed with the help of an agent who is al-Tahrir's son. Al-Tahrir's son. OK, so there's weird shit about the way they depict Arabs in this movie, right? Because yes, there is.

It's very racist. It's very stereotyping, but it's stereotyping of like an unexpected kind, right? Because the the 60s kind of like anti Arab racism is like savagery or like the wind and the lion kind of like noble savage stuff. Whereas these guys have like one of the site gags in the background in this sort of like penthouse full of toys, like expensive toys is a 24 pack of Fortnum and Mason canned condensed goat milk, right? Really funny. And yeah, and the joke is that it's the same like, you know, sovereign wealth fun thing of like these are these are guys who are like goat herds made extremely good, who are just like living it up.

And it's like, it seems it's weirdly out of time for when this movie came out, it feels. Yeah, it's, it's strange. It's a kind of anti Arab racism that we don't have so much anymore. Cause we've now invented like the kind of anti Arab racism is like, these people are like a threat. They're dangerous, right? But these guys are like, they're legends. We're being racist by saying that they're legends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a different kind of anti-arabracism, but it's...

Yeah, Abutai is wearing a kefir with an a girl, the, uh, like, you know, the headdress, wearing a pinstripe white suit, an MCC tie, and he has a cannon, which he is sort of gonna... He presents it to Modesty, so we've got a present for you. It's gonna help you out, and it's a big cannon. And Taren is like, well, obviously that doesn't work, does it? And he just like stares him in the eyes while he loads it. And he's like, please go. No, that's George Buckingham Palace.

And he's like, ah, whatever. No, it's not, the joke is better than that because he tells him he's pointing towards Buckingham Palace and he goes, oh, I'm sorry, we'll move to this other window that's got a better view of it. It's like, this movie is like quite subversive and more than a few times I'm going, I'm surprised that they got this out in 1966. Pardon me, does want to sort of quietly put this on the KJB trans only screening list.

Yeah, genuinely. Right. I was going to build to that. But yeah, 100%. Oh, also one other thing, she had another condition, right? Which was she wants her mate, Willie Garvin in on this. My boy. My boy. And fuck yes. Please tell me you got the drop. Of course I did. What do you take me for? We've already checked on your willy.

And what her willy is doing at that moment is shagagging shagging, trying, trying to get it in and being interrupted by a phone call from her. And he drops everything. He like kicks a woman out of bed. It throws a knife at her. Admittedly, that is a little bit. Taking a little bit too far. Yes. The two things you know, you need to know about Willie Garvin. One, he is devoted to modesty blaze with his life in a kind of simp way.

And two, he has knives, like a lot of knives. And three, this is Terence Stamp. This is a very, very young Terence Stamp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. And the thing is, if you redid this as a transmask, it would... Interesting dynamics there, I suspect. Yeah, it's also really interesting because they haven't yet realized that Terence Stamper has to play villains. Like if just look at this man's face, it's really funny to see him like trying to

play a hero character and just like, this is the most evil man alive. Sort of an anti hero. Hero character is interesting. Yeah. He's sort of like, he's a cat. He's a Rui in the, in a sort of working-class mold in the mold of Alfie those movies Or like Harry Palmer right from the Epcot file where he's like he's you know a bit of rough and ladies like it and Like there's a bit later on where he is fucking another woman for information

And she says to him Cruel I'm touch you yet. It's like that kind of banter, right? And it's actually really well done, is the thing. But yeah, so he is brought in against M and the British government's wishes as her own sort of private assistant. When Modesty and Dwight Shake are alone, she says, you know who's behind this? Who's trying to stop this diamond?

Who? 009 to Abbey's grandpa. And Dwight you know, who's behind this? Who's trying to stop this time? Who double O nine to Abbie's grandpa? And the White Shake says there's only one man who could possibly. Yes. Yes, we get movies. Cinema. Cinema. Thank you cinema. We cut to Dirk Bogard wearing the stupidest, thinnest glasses in the fucking

world sitting on the deck of a yacht in his little sailor cap. And let me tell you, Dirk Bogard is my favorite part of this or perhaps any film. Every clip I've pulled is him. Yeah, genuine. He's so good. The vibe is like, what if Moriarty was really gay, but not in an Andrew Scott Sherlock way in a way that's actually cool. Yeah, not in this gay baiting shit. Instead, it's like, again, things I am shocked that they got into the movie. I described him as gay blow fell. Right? We see him come back to his sort of like castle layer, which is decorated in.

Fucking idiot. Yes. If you've played. Yes, it's beautiful. It's perfect. him come back to his sort of like castle layer, which is decorated in if you've played. Yes, that's beautiful. It's it's beautiful. It's really aesthetic. Yeah. But what it is is he has he has decorated it in a really trippy, psychedelic way. But now is kind of only remembered in parody of like Austin Powers or whatever. Whereas this is a slightly slightly less parodic still, you know, comedic.

But like there's fucking spirals everywhere. There's like eight different kinds of clashing wallpaper. Yep. Just like painted onto this castle courtyard. Big circles on some of the walls. He loves to stand against those as well. Really just just incredible stuff. He's got what I can kind of loosely summarize as an evil molecule, right?

Because sometimes being gay means that you have a found family, right? Like your podcast co-hosts. Or in this case, you are gay, Blofeld. You have a subordinate, a Scottish accountant. Yes, McWhorter. McWhorter is all it's another of my favorite parts of the movie. Yeah, really good. Yeah. The thing about McWhorter is he's kind of an old fashioned defensive stereotype.

Yeah, tight Scotsman. Scottish people being like, yeah, you know, the Scotsman finds a fly in his beer and he pulls it out by the wings and says, spit it out, you bastard. That kind of joke. Yeah. 100%. So he's constantly like saying this evil organization is costing us so much money. He upbrades Gabriel at one point and says, you spent 30,000 pounds on sex in June. You expensed this? Yeah.

But to be fair, you only spent two pounds 17 on death in the same period. Smoke machines are expensive. Smoke machines are expensive. And he has Mrs. Father Girl, Mrs. Father Girl who is kind of Rosa Kleb. Yeah. Rosa Kleb, if they were, if she was a different kind of lesbian. Yeah. Rosa Kleb, if she was done by people who were not homophobic or were like, lesbophobic in a sort of like intraqueer way, I guess.

Like not an unproblematic character, but I'm really fond despite myself. Beats a clown to death, throws him off the flyst. And the thing is, this mime, right, first of all, this mime is like- Well, my apologies to the mime community for confating you with it. Well, the mime has been- They're gonna have some very strong words for me, and those words are gonna be- For fuck's sake. How dare you, motherfucker.

As McWhorter says as they're sort of uncarting this mime, he's betrayed this organization and Gabriel rolls his eyes at him and says, you have to be so dramatic about this. But the thing is, as they do... He's drinking from a glass with a goldfish. Yeah, this is a recurring joke that all of the drinking vessels are fucked up. It's not funny. This is one of the points of this movie, right?

Is that it does a bunch of like weird avant-garde shit and a lot of it doesn't hit, but which I'm glossing over it because I don't care because the stuff that does is so good. But like as they uncrate this mime to have Mrs. Father Girl like kill him by choking him with her thighs. Hello. I notice he is like bound and gagged. And I ask the question, why gag a mime? Because functionally, you're scared of what he'd say, you know? Yeah.

Functionally, to tie a mime's hand is to gag a mime. Like, I think. And to be fair, they un-gag him and he doesn't say anything still. Yeah. Like he lives by a code and he dies by that code too. He does. Yeah. Although to be fair, I mean, when you say she chokes him out with her thighs, he does put his head between her thighs on prompted. I mean, would you not answer? I remind you you're under oath.

I've been recommended not to answer that question. Look it over, I've got a lawyer like shaking his head. He tries to do a clown routine for her to, I guess, like plead for his life in a way. She entertains this briefly and then throws him off a cliff. She does. She throws it off a cliff. Two hands lifts him over her head like fucking. Like, brain break in Batman's back. The thing is, McWhorter is like, you see how this isn't making us any money, boss. And Gabriel goes, listen, we're not in this for the money. We're in this for watching evil milfs throw mimes off cliffs. And that cuts to the heart of what I want from my villains. And that's, it's like a perfect, perfect piece of villainy in this movie, I think.

There's also a fun bit of throwaway dialogue where we established that nobody in London knows that Gabriel is the Moriarty figure. He says, oh, I had a lunch with my mother and she has no idea I'm like a criminal mastermind. Yeah. Dirk Bogart here again, cast as someone who has a couple of secrets from his mother in the sort of Noel Coward way. He's also wearing a kind of like Andy Warhol style white wig. Calling him gay. He's a faggot. He is. Yeah, he is.

He really is. Yeah. So Modesty has to go to Amsterdam to pick up the trail, these diamonds. And we get another annoying quirk, which is anytime Modesty does something, we get a piece of voiceover between Tarant and the minister that's like, what's she doing here?

Well, she's doing this, sir. Sort of to keep us on the ball here in terms of what the plot is. Yeah, it sucks. It's only funny once or twice. Yeah. She goes on a canal boat where an assassin who, if you go back and look, looks weirdly like Dutch Kierstamer, tries to sync the thing with a sea mine. Hell yeah.

A tiny sea mine, like a river mine. Yeah, the tiniest sea mine. You know what? I'm not going to attempt that voice. I'm not I'm not going to attempt that voice. Quite sweet. Yeah, she has to she has to infiltrate another apartment and a massive conversation pit. Yeah, it's like 500 fucking throw pillows in that.

Also full of dolls, which weird shit Yeah, there's a shitload of dolls in this movie and I don't know what they're about but they're everywhere Not the good kind. Yeah. Well, I mean a couple of them too Also as far as these things go I really like modesty Like the way she acts like spying here because she's like she gets bored and plays with the modern art sculpture and then like takes off her heels before she sneaks around which. I will also say as a piece of foreshadowing is one of about 500 times she is like prominently barefoot in the movie. This will be important. Yes, almost everyone gets at least one barefoot shot at the camera.

I don't know. You see why Quentin Taratino is a big fan of this movie. We'll get there. We'll get there. I don't know. Maybe see why Quentin Taratino is a big fan of this movie. We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. Meanwhile, Willie Garvin is at the Tits and Ask Club trying to find somebody to share information. He's got a lot of quite good shots of like Tits and like. The thing is, I have a great deal of 1960s woman dysphoria.

And so this film will not help you if that is the case. No, no, it gets worse with every 1960s movie we watch. I experienced this this season functionally as torture, you know. And I really do apologize. No, no, no, no, that's but modesty blaze. There's this fucking amazing shot where like, it's like a white shot and there's one of those like film reels and you can see Willie through one of the gaps in it. But he's still like in shots really, really nice. Yeah. The magician at this club is working for Gabriel. Yes. And he's getting sort of like telegrams through being like, you know, stop them.

Yeah. Paco, I think is nice. Yeah. One of his assistants, the hotter one is immediately sort of perllined by Willie who already knows her from being sort of international shagger. And it's like, he's like, as it can, yeah, he does the like Austin powers, like, do you want to come back to my place for a shag love thing? But it's actually effective because it's Terence Stamford is doing it entirely sincerely. Yeah.

It's like it weirdly hits. It does. It's two shaggers. Like this is the thing is that the British government, any government cannot withstand having two separate shaggers on board, trying to deal with something. It's like a pincer manoeuvre. So at this point, modesty is sneaking around this flat and a man comes back to it and then they fight each other, but then they recognize each other, turn the lights on.

I write, why is this fight done like sex? And the answer is because it's about to be. Yeah. Because this guy is Paul, a British spy, yeah. Yeah. Whom she has previously worked with, fucked, seduced and then betrayed. Yeah. And there's a fantastic, fantastic piece of dialogue where he's like, was it all

lies? And she goes, do you think I can control my heartbeats? And he goes, maybe it's really like the thing is the script is really good. It's quite tight. Yeah. There's also a point where he says, I ought to strangle you. And she says, please try. I have the drop literally me.wav. If we're fucking, I ought to strangle you. And she says, please try. I have the drop literally me.wav.

If we're fucking, I want to strangle you. Try. No. It's hopeful tone there. She like pulls her collar down. She's like, try. It's also a really funny point where they want to, she's dressed in a very like slinky spy suit and they want to shag, but neither of them

could figure out how to take it off. This is my favorite ongoing bit. It's just like turning her around and be like, well, how did you get into it? She's like, I don't know. Is there a zip? Like, yeah, it's pretty funny. She's looking as well. I don't know.

I don't know. Yeah. In the process of this seduction, she's like, so where are the British government sending these diamonds? And he's like, oh, they're being flown out of like RAF shiphold tomorrow night. Yes. Yeah. And she's like, okay, cool. I believe this unquestioningly. By the way, as we see them undressed later, he has the like matching snake sort of biro like tattoo.

Yeah. Yeah. Then something slightly strange happens. Perhaps you can tell me what this was about. So Modesty says the villain is Gabriel and Paul doesn't believe her. And then she just trashes the apartment and he says, stop acting like a bloody minded female. And then she says, I'm hungry. And he goes, okay, I'll make you a snack. What was that? Sometimes you just have to go baby girl mode, right? And listen, if all you've had Sometimes you just have to go baby girl mode, right? And listen, if all you've had to eat that day is like girl breakfast, then you know, this is a realistic depiction of me at the same way like some of the like Hong Kong action comedies we've done where they try to do like a war of the sexes stuff. It's right where it's like a damn women be crazy though.

Yeah, he refers to her women's intuition and she gets mad at him and starts throwing her around and then he says a bunch more misogynist shit. I don't know. Yeah. But fortunately, thank Christ. Some goons break in. Some of the goons of all time. What the thing is, I don't want to give that accolade it way too highly.

Like Spy Kids 4 had some of the goons of all time. These just has some of the goons. But they are, they're like solid, solid B grade goons. Big guys and suits. What more do you want? Suit with a turtle neck as well. So they ambush the two of them and we get some weird fur rug bondage.

And she gets like menaced with the modern art statue from earlier because it's got sharp bits all over it. It's a bit avant-garde for me. Actually there were few bits in this movie that's a bit avant-garde for me. Actually, there were a few bits in this movie that were a bit avant-garde for me. That's, this is where the movie is starting to fall apart because, and let's like pull back for a moment here. According to the sources we've been able to find, the director made this movie bad on purpose? Yes, I do not think he's exceeded. So there's a number of like continuity errors and things that like don't quite work. Like one of the things that I started to notice, for instance, is that like modesty changes from blonde to brunette from shot to shot.

And there's like a whole bunch of stuff like that. Where did you quite like that? I enjoyed it. I have a shot of that later on that I'm going to highlight specifically. But yeah, I really like the kind of like alienating doing things wrong on purpose thing. But this is like, the thing is, again, if you just like, I liked it. If you think about what the script is saying at this point. I know if it was me, I would have made the movie good on purpose.

That's because you don't like camp, which is, you know. That's true. Well, I've watched a lot of movies that have tried to make themselves good. Yeah. To be fair, this one, as you say, it's trying to make itself bad and it hasn't actually succeeded. Yeah. It circles back around the ways in which it wants to be bad is like continuity problems and just like guys showing up And yeah, like weird stuff like dolls everywhere or in this case like you know We have to have the bit with a heroin is like tied up so we have it like tied up in a fur rug

And it's like if you look at what the script is doing in this, it's quite a sort of normal, relatively serious bit of like spy comedy, like quite tightly written, quite well done stuff. And I think if you had filmed it on that level, this could have been a lot more successful than it was. But equally, you wouldn't have quite as much like compelling weirdness to it. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes it hits, sometimes it doesn't. This is one of the bits where it doesn't. So the Goons menace modesty into getting Willy to once again have his hookup interrupted, get cock blocked, come over and.

He said, I can't wait 15 minutes. Love, and she's like, no. Yeah. So he ditches the the woman who is crying And he kind of like makes it up to her and he, you know, agrees to meet her later. And on his way there, he runs into Tarrant, who is clearly like surveying the progress of the whole mission. And we get a very stealth gay joke. Tarrant sort of like dressed, you know, in like, bowl of hat and suit with the umbrella pops out of a canal boat and goes,

Are you buying or selling? I'm giving it away actually. Like you'd have to. Which is like a cruising joke. That is a cruising joke. It's like it's cute. And it would have flown past like any, any sort of like heterosexual member of the audience. But like, Yeah, it's quite cute. This is the movie for the guys. It is. It is. Give it a way. He says, he says, watch out, because there's goons surveilling the flat. And I think, I think they're up to something. Yes. So they, I like that M gets involved here.

Oh, that team up is fantastic. They do this to the plan where M just goes and like knocks on the door of the flat and walks in as if he like is expected there. And whilst the goons are looking at him, Willie sneaks in the window, kills one of them with a throwing knife and M shoots the other with his umbrella. Oh, the fucking umbrella gun. The umbrella gun is incredible because the thing is, it's like a full length shotgun. It's not like some dark bullshit. No, you pan around and this guy just fucking blows this guy away. It's incredible. hand round and this guy just blows this guy away. It's incredible. The full like grouse shooting is holding the thing like fantastic.

One additional guy rolls up and she modesty deals with this by judo throwing him one time. And he just like hits the ground as stays completely still. Just dead ass on the ground. So modesty is rescued. They have to meet up with the woman that Willy has like dumped the next day. And the whole time we see Gabriel is on his island, workshopping how to threaten Parker, this magician. This is such a good thing because he tries to deliver this. What is functionally the threat, like eliminate modesty plays or you'll be killed. But he does it in this very flowery language and McWhorter is like pairing it back to save money on the telegram.

Yeah, it's really good. He's doing this whole general speech where he's like, when I send a soldier into battle. He switches accents for it. Yeah, it's great. I cry, you know, with the widows. And he stops and he goes, hold on. The widows and orphans, the widows and orphans' tears are my own as well.

Doug Bogo's fantastic actor. Look, what? It's just like, eliminate her or we'll kill you. Yeah. And he's like, oh, no, no. She's like, look, Paco will get a door. So fucking. So they go to meet this woman at a Coven market. Is that what this is? Yeah. Say some kind of fucked up Dutch fate. It is 100%. I mean, all things in

Holland are fucked up and including this. Yeah, frankly, terrifying amount of dolls nailed to a building. Yeah, again, weird shit. Trying to fucking alienate me instead of making the movie bad but good on purpose, just trying to make it bad on purpose. Yeah, for Fremdom's effect, isn't it? Yeah, for Fremdom's effect, isn't it? Modesty is wearing a regular-ass dress with a sort of very long, thick version of a man's tie

on the front, and it looked a bit, fucking sucks, like a rare L in terms of the fits here. Her fit earlier on was like a massive yellow dress hoodie. It was incredible. Yes. Amazing. Fantastic. Hit or miss with the fits here.

Yeah, yeah. Predictably, this woman, Nicole, is murdered. She is stabbed. Quite graphically. By a remarkably 2020s looking guy. Yeah, this time traveler came back to assassinate her. This man knows what a podcast is. Yeah, normal glasses and just a big oversized sweater.

And I'm like, I you could have been down the street just now. Yeah, but he does her in the show. We get a kind of trippy chase scene followed by a slightly less trippy fight scene. Totally this bit is all over the place. The music is weird and it's clearly like this is the director hitting the big like fuck with me button. Yeah. And I don't appreciate it. She's constantly changing from blonde to brunette and her outfit changes to. That's right.

If I were making the movie bad on purpose, I would have made it bad on purpose in a way that I can still follow what's going on. Yeah. Yeah, the swapping hair colors works better in other scenes. This one's quite dark, so it's hard to. Anyway, they kill these goons. And then we go to RAF Shippel. Yeah.

And M and Paul are there. And Paul's like, I told Modesty the wrong time the diamonds were going to be sent at, because I knew she wouldn't be able to help herself. Right. Yeah, and also the diamonds are not on this plane at all. They're on a shit which, you know, unbeknownst to her. But we get... Oh, she does in fact, it is known to her. Oh, fuck. How's it known? It is known to her.

It is well known. I'm not entirely sure how she knows this. Oh, she just, it's just intuition. Women's intuition. She learned, learned it earlier on. But meanwhile, that, so this jet takes off to, you know, it's a decoy, but they're pretending that it's going to take the diamonds to the shake. Beautiful, like Hawker Hunter in green for some reason. And Gabriel is listening to the pilots radio. Oh my God, this bit. Okay. So, so first of all, the cockpit dialogue between the pilots, it's two perfect RAF voices.

They're like flying over the Alps and one of them goes, do you ski? And then goes, no. I was like, ski. Just a brief shot to like humanize these guys. Because it's completely like buttoned up. Just like, no. Do you do skates? Gabriel's in there.

He's getting ready to fucking shoot this thing down and he's like ginning it up to himself. He's like, oh, it's always the hardest. So a couple of things here. First of all, Gabriel is wearing an outrageous kimono to do this. Yes, he is. Second of all, his first question hearing this is the pilot's got a charming voice. And then he tries to find out whether or not he's married. He says any dependence. Yeah, ostensibly to find out if he's going to like make any widows and orphans.

But this is a gay joke as well. It's a gay joke as well. When he finds out that he's married and has two children, he's like, ah, shame. He's like, why could they be bachelors? Yeah, just genuine. Like, this is for the culture. This is for the community. And it's charming meter pieces at this point.

It's very funny. He finally jins it up and he goes, alright, fire the missiles. They shoot the plane down and like also, one of his instruments is a fryer with an organ. The fryer plays a mournful tune. And then with the instrument, we get a transmission. Also, one of his instruments is just standing around oils and shirtless. Which is true. It's full of gays. But we get

the transmission like, oh, like rocket based confirms for parachute to vote open. And then Gabriel's like, yeah, it's so good. I've got the clip here of what he says next, which is tell the friar to pay to deal. What shall I tell him to give thanks for? For me, of course. And what shall I tell him to give thanks for? For me, of course! Dinsrock! Fantastic, yeah, they all survive, we shut it down, let's go boy! It's perfect, I love the found family villains, I want more of them. Yeah, I love the new parts, not really in Evil.

Almost all of them are alive at the end. Yeah, like they're just kind of about. Objective, so like Objective 1 serve, Objective 2 Evil. Yes, 100%. Serve cunt before I serve this country. So, Modesty and Paul meet up and she knows that the plane was a bluff. Fantastic. So, you remember all the stuff that I liked in Atomic Blonde, where it's like two spies who both know that the other is like a habitual occupational liar, sort of like working around

each other. They do a comedy version of that where they pour champagne and they swap glasses about 20 times because they, you know, each assumes that the other one has drugged the champagne. And finally, Paul goes, it's alright, I trust you, I was watching you. Takes a big sip of the champagne. Fucking immediately roofied. Incredible jokes. They're fucking good. The longer the build up to it, the funnier it is. It was great. Also, I do want to say he, okay, happy moment. He paused her some

Verve Cliqueau champagne. Now, Verve Cliqueau is like a fine champagne, but it's not like super-duper, like totally out of reach expensive. It's like a very good champagne. And, you know, like the Mercedes of champagne's right? Not like a Rolls Royce, but like, you know, the Mercedes of champagne's not out of your reach. Like a Mercedes is not out of your reach. You know what I mean? It's not like the Rolls Royce, you know? Sure.

It's not like a Bruinard or like a Dom Perignon. It's, you know, it's the Renault Clio of champagne. You go champagne. So he serves it as any, he puts a nice cube in it. I'm just like dude. She does do that With a correct punishment for that is to get drugged immediately which he is weird fucking glasses as well Well, yeah, because also he drinks it all in one go and I'm like don't do that Don't you deserve this? Fuck you. Okay, again go and I'm like, don't do that. Don't you deserve this.

Fuck you. Okay. Again, no one has imbibed a single liquid from a non fucked glass. This whole movie. It's not funny. It's not, it's never been funny. It gets funnier later to me, but modesty's Asian man servant brings the plane around that they have. It's his name.

Wang doesn't matter. Doesn't get any dialogue really. She's quite patronizing to him. She is. She shows him off to Willie like, hey, check this guy out. I got this guy. Sweet, isn't he? It's like, OK, this is a human being.

Bad stuff. At least he's not white. They fly the plane after, you know, after the ship that she knows the diamonds are on. There's a beautiful shot where they're like flying the plane, both holding glasses of whiskey. In the 60s, you could do fucking anything. If it's your plane, like, you know. Yeah, 100%.

Just be amazed. Monesty's accusing fans of stalking her because there's somebody tracking her private jet usage. Meanwhile, we're just doing stupid gay bullshit. What Gabriel is doing at this point, and this is a long sequence, is trying to get a good Crembrou lay out of his chef. So fucking funny. This sounds like a, it's genuinely that like there's a solid 10 minutes of this that like. He sat with McWhorter. They keep bringing food out to him and he's just like, oh, no, no, no. And they're like, instead of it being taken away, McWhorter they keep bringing food out to him and he's just like oh no no no

and they're like instead of it being taken away McWhorter's just like you know yeah one point he just like he like taps the plate with his birer and points at his own sort of place on the table to be like no no no the guy brings like two lobsters and he puts it in the shot is so the cameras between the two lobsters being proffered and I mean he's like looking at me's like that one no no no no that one oh decisions both them. And they just get dumped straight. It's a fucking boiling water. Meanwhile, served up. And then he just goes like, ah, I can't. Yeah, we can't because his henchmen, his henchmen are being trained to go on a diving mission

by by Carol. Mrs. Father Girl. By the way, there is a joke in there that's like who... Do you think there's a Mr. Father Girl, McWhorter says, and Gayfroter says, I am Mr. Father Girl, which I really like. So Mrs. Father Girl is, the thing is, she is sissy hip-knowing a shirtless boy who she has like between her thighs. Hmm. I'm always doing this.

While she is torturing two men by forcing them to scuba dive. I'm not always doing this. While she is torturing two men by forcing them to scuba dive. I'm not always doing this. Just some of the time. Only every self. But one of them in the course of this, because they are training for the heist to come later, one of them drowns. Yeah. And Gabriel hears about this and he goes, how can I eat lobsters when the lobsters are

eating borg? Take them away. But most importantly, so Mrs. Fother girl on the ship reels in the sort of the rope and she finds the dead guy is necklace and she puts it in her mouth and sucks on it. This woman is an icon. It just visibility is so important. Women's stories matter.

They just matter. I don't always's stories matter. They just matter. They don't always make sense, but they do matter. Yes. And of course, instead of the lobsters being taken away, McWhitler does the thing where he just like taps on it. It's like, no, no, no. We're not wasting the money on that. Like give me the fucking.

It really has that. I'm sure you wouldn't want to see that be wasted. Yeah. Yeah. Our accountant is the exact same way. He has to use so much of my leftover skin care routine. But how can I apply serum when Abby looks so much more femme than me? That's how it's the serums. It's the serums. They land in question mark Italy. Yes. They're driving around.

This is why the movie Well and Truly Loses Me. I'm having fun. This is fantastic. They're vibing. She has an ice cream. There's a great... It's huge. It's like the size of her head.

It's like an oversized prop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had an ice cream about that size in London one time, have it? Oh yeah, we did. That was very pleasant. It's a great line. If Gabriel doesn't attack us soon. We'll have to have lunch. Which again, the girl could go towards

recognition of foreign language, but like it's really funny. She's just like chilling. She doesn't give a fuck, you know? Is it? Yeah, I thought so. She's just driving around, just waiting to be attacked. OK, so then they have a conversation about how, oh, like, you know, we've worked together a lot. We've never shagged, but maybe we should. And then... Well, say conversation. There's a musical number.

Yes. But instead they sing. And Willie's singing voice here, Terrence Stam, I don't know what's going on here, but it's insanely Eric Idol coded. Like, in a real bright side of life as... It's really... He's a good singer. He does well. He does great. Yeah, I mean, what it is is it's been crossed by a Bob Hope. Like that's what they're parodying in the same way that like family guy used to do that, right? The the duets, right? Like, what a sort of like funny pair

we two are, right? It wasn't just spritly funny when they did it either. I the thing is, I kind of got what they're going for with this. I was neutral. As such, I surprised myself because like, there was some part of my brain that's kind of like locked inside this like, no, this sucks. And then the rest of me is like, I'm really enjoying this. Just straight forwardly like having a good time.

Yeah. Huh. Because the thing is, ultimately they made this movie,. Like, yeah, they bad on purpose, whatever. Like they had to have a shitload of people together, all aligned on the vision to create this. And I'm going to accept it on its own terms. Like I'm going to watch it and be like, OK, why are you making them sing at me right now?

Is it for a purpose? Not entirely. Being gay is when things are bad on purpose. I'm pretty certain that's true. So they're being followed and Instead of a chase sequence they're pulled over by MI6 who gets to be the antagonist fucking Prince. Yeah And we even get a little bit of class struggle with Willie, right? Because M sort of knows to season the congos

How the devil did you get a passport? Garvin? Just because I'm working class lower class you mean surely I mean like It's more than you got in the fucking Bond movies She a car-n-ass voice lower class you mean surely yeah, it's great working The way they escape is psychedelic and stupid it involves like they escaped by dint of a gender reveal burnout True they just hoon it up a little bit. Yeah, this is like have cigarettes to turn into smoke like a delicate and stupid. It involves like escaped by dint of a gender reveal burnout. True. They just hoon it up a little bit. Yeah, this is like, have cigarettes that turn into smoke. Yes. Grenades. Yeah. Well, I do like as they leave. She looks at him and goes like, Willie darling, we've got to be more conspicuous.

Massive smoke cloud. So they fuck around for a bit and then they get bored and go home. Like, they straight up do they're like They're supposed to be meeting Gabriel somewhere. This is for gay people. It's like raining and I like fuck it Should we just go home? Yeah, I don't want to be on the rain. Let's book into a luxury hotel Like it's yeah, I visit me if I were a spy if Next morning, she's out on the balcony completely naked. And she gets a call from Gabriel who is in the harbor, has an incredibly

country lion. I offer you a flag of truce and a delicious breakfast. He's on a yacht in the harbor looking at her through binoculars. When he asks if she wants to get dressed, she draws a neckline on herself, which I think is really funny. So good. Yeah. So he sends a little boat to pick her up.

The little gay boat, which has, it's like a most launched, it has a like a pink interior and a pink G flag, which is the only flag I also learned. She arrives in an insanely country outfit. Like love this dress with, I don't know, like what would you even call this? Like for sure all the colors like,

it looks like Sydney Opera House. It's incredible. I love it. It's very diaphanous. And a peacock feather. Gold spike thing. Yeah, she's just holding a peacock feather and like slapping herself across the face with her

is often just really nice. Because this movie is for the gays, what we get is a gay lung, right? Where Gabriel essentially he pitches her as like, listen, you're a trans fan, I'm gay. We're both thieves. Fuck the British government. Do you want to just go in on this with me and split the diamonds?

That's right. Be gay. Do crimes and then these like a bit bitch ass like turn style jumping crimes. You're still $15 million worth of diamonds from the British government. And she's like, well, only on my terms, you know? And he's like, all right, fine, plan B. And he has his live in lesbian wife, he had really hard over the back of the head, which. in lesbian wife, her really hard of the back of the head, which. So she then wakes up in her hair color has changed and so is her dress. And I'm like, at this point, I'm like, you can't, you can't keep doing this. I like her getting kidnapped outfit is the thing.

I do. But also there's even a thing when they're having gay brunch where he's like, I think I prefer you, Brunette. And there's just a jump curtain. She is funny. That's so funny. What are you talking about? The joke. Because she's been doing it all movie. Like they're highlighting it.

I don't know. It's a bit hot on the hat, sure. But I do appreciate comics have bad continuity. Like she is a comic book character. That's why she can't get into or out of her outfits. You know, like be a different colorist work into that. You know, but yeah, so she works up different colorist work into that, you know. But yeah, so she works up. She's been kidnapped.

If it were me, I would have made the movie good on purpose. They did. Yeah, she's on this barge. Yeah, Frater, I guess. Yeah, I'm afraid to know she's on a different boat. She went through all the genders of ships. Willie has also been captured. He's wearing like a gold lame towel

because he has been like picked up mid hookup with Miss World. Of course. Yeah. Miss World, Miss World, my second favorite henchman in this movie. Right. You can read like- Just that, that's so funny.

There's, okay. First of all, there's a line which is again gay, right? With a cargo of fruit and nuts. He's a fruit merchant. He is a nut. That's enough of that. again gay, right? I mean, God, the delivery on that last line could look... I think I have the line that immediately pulls on off from that. I have a special weakness for that. Otherwise, I really can't say it. It's pure melodrama. I'm not fussy. I will say it for you. Oh, please don't. If he doesn't, you will be killed. Here's the thing, right?

That's the dynamic of the villain group. Like, that's it. Women who talk like either of those characters DM me immediately. Right? Like, women with lesbian voice? Pure melodrama. Women with gay voice hello. Oh hello, yeah, to be fair, I do love. If you talk like duck. I can't say the name of the actor on the podcast.

Yes, yeah. But like very quiet kind of, that's enough of that. Oh, God. But yeah, so. That's fantastic. He goes, right, this, she's obviously got like 50 fucking gadgets on her. Take her in the thing and do like an F for F like slash fic thing and search her thoroughly. At which point I go, hmm.

So Mrs. Fothergirl searches her thoroughly. Hmm. It is exactly as explicitly lesbian as you would imagine. This is for the- This world is watching her. Yes, she is. She is. Loving it?

Yes, she is. She is watching grinning and smoking. This bit, if the whole movie is for the LGBT community, this bit is just for the elves. And I'm so grateful. I just, yeah, I really incredible. And so the screen, the thrust of all this is, Willie has to be the safe cracker, the second safe cracker who is going to like go in underwater, break

into this ship and then steal the diamonds out of the strong room with a submersible. And he's sort of like coerced to do it. They cut through the hole and then they get inside the ship. They had actual underwater sequences. Yeah, good. Budget. Budget happened to this movie. And Em and Paul realized what's going on.

And they call the ship and they're like, Oh captain, you've got to check the strong room right now. But as soon as like the captain opens the door, just in time, they like put a dummy box over the hole they cut in and they get away. That's quite good. Yeah, it's very fun. You can tell when they're getting to like the day new month of a a ureth by movie because everyone suddenly gets onto a boat.

It's true. Very boat focused. And we get onto a new boat and even country boat, which is a U.S. by movie because everyone suddenly gets onto a boat. It's true. Very boat focused. And we get onto a new boat, an even country boat, which is a yacht. Gabriel's sailing yacht with the pink sails. It's it's it's. Yeah. Come on. Basilio, the guy who the other diver who has spent all of his time getting tortured by Mrs. Vothergirl gets his moon in the sun where he like perfectly sings in aria to accompany them, which I really like. So Gabriel sails home with the diamonds and with Modesty and Willie as prisoners and a

little detail love which is that McWerter is on deck reading a book. And the book is called successful business management. He's like, listen, Gabriel is going to be like an agile organization, right? Give us the right to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they get brought up in handcuffs. And we get to maybe my favorite part of the villainy dynamic, which is she goes, well, listen, I'm the heroine.

Don't I get to escape? And he goes, perhaps he's kind of rooting for her. Right. He very reluctantly says, I'm going to have to kill you now. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He says, I'm going to have to kill you now. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. He says, I'm not just going to shoot you in the head. He says, unlike McWhorter and Carol, I have style. Yes. And so what he does is he has her put in this is a Google this, the Spanish anarchist prison cell intended to psychologically torture fascist prisoners by like using design.

For real? Yeah. For real. It was a real thing. Really funny. To like torment the fascist sense of order. It had like weird mismatched patterns in a sloping bed and stuff. It was wild. Oh, I love that. But yeah, so.

I just kind of can't see it. He puts her in a room with decor and we have seen that she like lives in an all white room. And this has fucking like psychedelic wallpaper, a red spiral staircase in the middle. And she just kind of like is assaulted by it's the point that she takes off her shoes for the nth time and just kind of like bundles up in the corner for a bit. It's really like a really fun idea of like torturers decor, but she finds a little envelope with perhaps written on it and the key to her handcuffs. It's like Gabriel. Baby.

Oh, I love him so much. She climbs the spiral staircase and pops out immediately in his bedroom, not as a sex thing either. He's just lounging in there. Yeah, it's fully just like, yeah. Yeah, they're not going to fuck. He's gay. He just appreciates her style. Yeah. And the thing is, this puts the like, putting a hero in an easily escapable situation thing in such a good context of being like,

yeah, he wants to the fucking escape. He thinks that it's fun. He's having a great time. Like, and he says, look, let's team up. I will kill Carol. I'll shoot her. You join me. We'll split the diamonds, but you have to kill Willie Gove. What if we just got rid of our partners

and ran away together? Like a criminal eloping. Yeah, elopation. Yeah, satonic, nonsexual. Exactly. Although, to be honest, it's nonsexual between her and Wily as well. This is true. So she turns them down, goes back in the cell, re-handcuffs herself. Very funny. Seduces the shirtless twink into her cell. I'm always doing this. Yeah, it's so good. She

doesn't escape on his terms. She goes down and goes like, right, I'm just going to escape a different way than fuck her. Yeah, you're's normal. Fuck you. She knows there is a perfectly good trap door in the ceiling. She could just climb out of. But instead she's doing the fucking gold finger thing where she like looks at a garden does the fucking whoo behind it until he opens the door for her. She seduces his twink. I mean, he gets knocked unconscious the first time he ever kisses a girl. You know?

Well, she stabs him with poison earrings. So she does. And she says, oh, you're cute. I'm sorry we had to stop kissing. She doesn't squirt on his face. Come on. kisses a girl, you know? Well, she stabs him with poison earrings. So she does. And she says, oh, you're cute. I'm sorry, we had to stop kissing. She was quite nice. So she goes to break Willie out. And now we get into a series of jokes about how bond gadgets are really contrived by

making more contrived ones. This was. Yeah. And I would say about one in three of these is funny. Yep. Yep. Willie has like a peel off latex back concealing a shitload of gadgets, which is genuinely alarming when it first happens.

Yeah, really quite terrifying. Yeah. And one of the things the gadgets they reveal is a fake inflatable seagull balloon, yes, but is also a radio transmitter. Yeah. Hell yeah. Which gets through to Abu Taher, which sets him. He calls Dwight Shakespeare Taher, which sets him off into a bunch of Lawrence of Arabia jokes. Right, he starts the Arab revolt. That's what that is.

You remember Never Say Never Again, it does that, but positive. But birds aren't real, you know. This movie takes a strong stance on that. The only bird scene is legitimately a spy gadget. So they fuck around a bit. There's a, I really like this, but they run into a board guard who is playing gunfight with his actual gun. Like he's just going like, and like ducking. Yeah.

It's like, it's really fun. They assemble a complete bow and arrow out of Willie's belt. And this is why I love the bits that deliberately are bad, right? They fire, there's this shot, right? They fire the arrow, you see it completely miss and you see the prop arrow come into the guy's abdomen at a completely different angle on the other side of the shot. And it's like, yeah, this is perfect.

Like, I get this completely. I disagree because I didn't understand what was happening because my reading of that was, oh, the shaker's arrived and he's just coincidentally shot that guy. No. And I'm like, it's fine to fuck shit up and to play with the format. But if I cannot tell what is happening in the story,

then you have made the film deliberately bad on purpose and you've done it bad. No, what it is is like it... I mean... It's like the thing where someone like is holding a sword under their fucking shoulders. It's just doing that. It genuinely is an example of the Framptons effect. Like what do you want from me?

It's like it's highlighting the failures of the form in order to poke fun at itself. I contrast that with a film like for instance like Hot Shots or Hot Shots Part 2 where they do things like this where they're like, oh, somebody clearly misses and then gets shot. Anyway, we gotta watch that. They do it in a way that lets you know that it's a joke. Whereas this, strangely, I think they don't go far enough to let the audience know we're taking the piss. I think they just trust you to do it. I think they should give us the rights and we can do it again. A hundred, but that's what I'm building to. Sadly, that can't happen. We'll get there. Give us the rights and we should also have the rights for the movie we talked about a little bit ago

and we can make Tommy Mercedes fucking fight Gerald, all right? Easy. So Mrs. Father Girl fights... Every name wrong, though. Modesty. She shows up in a great suit, a really like one of the all time suit, and the thing is...

Fantastic. She has a fight and Willie saves her by like, sort of, she gets some rope cold around her neck and he like, kicks the thing, the counterweight of the thing. And she gets hanged, right, which is surprisingly violent for the thing and like homophobic. And the thing is right, it's funny how these things stayed the same because she goes out exactly the same way as Xenia on a top. She does. And yes.

Exactly. This is 30 years earlier and they did a version of the same character that is more explicitly queer and they killed her and they kill her off in a way that feels less malignant. I mean, that's genuinely quite impressive. Like, I know we're saying we're not grading on a curve like ever. It's still bad, right? But like, as far as these things go, it's remarkable how far mainstream cinema has not taken this, you know?

Oh yeah. No, we've gone backwards in a lot of ways about this kind of thing. Yeah, definitely. There's a spoiler here. And this is the only... I've never done spoiler tags on this because like, it's a movie recap podcast, you know, you watch it first. This is the only time I'll ever do one because this is the moment which I gasped. This is a moment for LGBT rights. Stonewall was in furtherance of this specifically. This is just mute me for the next 15 minutes or so. 15 minutes, 15 seconds or so. Jesus Christ. Just fucking talk about this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but like, so like Gabriel is like doing some accountancy work with McWerter and he turns and he sees Mrs. Father Girl hanging and lets out this wordless scream. And then as he sees that William Modesty are escaping with his diamonds, he rips off the white Andy Warhol wig. There is an honest to God wig snatch in this movie. He is like the culture, the culture. This is, I mean, ah, moving like transitioning from gay brackets,

loose to gay brackets action in the moment of crisis. I'm always doing this. Let's stop. And it's also additionally very funny because obviously modesty has been swapping back and forth between Blonde and Brunette, this whole movie. So seeing him rip off a Blonde wig to be Brunette underneath is also very funny. I say this as an absolute compliment.

It is drag queen shit. It's so good. It's like, right. Yeah, it's funny. It's fucking let's go. I'm doing this now. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, I'm not sure whether it's just the color grading or what, but Terrence Stamp in this scene appears to be the world's most sunburned man. Oh, he's really got a really bad sunburn here. Yeah. Yeah. The two are forced into like, you know, shooting back to back as the goons pursue them. And they go, they have the same thing again of we probably should have fucked, right? But I really like Willy's line here.

He's like, well, it's sort of less common this way, isn't it? It's like, it's nice. Yeah, because it is. It's compelling. It's a compelling dynamic to be like this couple who like, it probably should definitely want to and yet. Well, they won't they? Never will, never have. They kinda want to, but they probably won't. Yeah, because it's a work thing, you know?

And they don't, yeah. He's on the both on the clock right now. 100%. Fortunately, the white shake arrives with 10,000. Yeah. I guess Arab guys on jet skis and fucking boats. And this is the part of the movie that you describe this as madcap. I'm not a fan. Generally, I would describe it as poorly edited. Yeah, no, I'd be with you on that one as well.

So I feel like I've kind of a killjoy in this podcast. But I'm like, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. You've tried to be funny. You failed. And also you've made the movie badly. I do know the thing is there's a couple of fun things. First of all, a bunch of like the guy is posing with the the Shakespeare flag like at Iwo Jima is funny. Yeah, I think that was funny.

But second of all, there's a passing sort of like stormtrooper hits head into beam moment because they're driving these like zodiac like inflatable boats up onto the beach. And one of the extras, I really am not convinced this was acting, gets like knocked out by his own boat hitting the shore and like flings the like really going forward. Like really like genuine it and the thing is that's terrible hysterically funny to see happen. Like maybe this was on purpose. I don't know. I really it's over for him. He's there's no way they just didn't have enough film to do that shot again. I like, well, he's he's hitting the ground. I suppose it's okay. The bit I do like is as they he's hitting the ground, I suppose. I hope he's okay.

The bit I do like is as they're engaging in this firefight, McWhorter is sitting behind the evil henchmen, counting the bullets that they're firing. And one of them is like shooting all over the place. And we're just like, stop wasting it. Yeah, it's really good. Really love it. To the end, baby.

Adds this film to your letterbox lists of films that depict the final victory of Islam because... Yeah, they take the island. They take the island. The friar converts to Islam. Yes, explicitly. The friar starts praying Islamic style. He does. He hits it.

This movie has like everything for me. And I'll tell you this as well. They're not filling time. That guy's full force saying Allah Akbar. Yeah. off the top of it and everything. It's great. Genuinely, it's a better Islamic prayer than the wind on the line. And by the time and Paul arrived, he's already made her get away. Here come the Brits in that fucking book. Paul goes to like hit the radio to call it in and Terrence stops him and he's got this smug

cunt expression as he just wordlessly pulls an antenna out to use his umbrella radio. Oh, my favourite rage against the machine song. It's really good. And then he shoots the seagull balloon with the same umbrella because it's also a gun. Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, Swiss Army umbrella. It's not two.

He's just got one. So, in the desert of, I forget the name of the country. Oh god, I don't know. I'll draw something like that. Massara? Massara. There's some kids looking at some oil dripping out of a pipeline. Everybody's partying. There's a alarmingly racist scene where Willie is being

bathed in a goat milk shower by four women wearing nicarbs, but also the kind of like chain like Yemeni headdress. Yeah, it's bad. It's real bad, actually. Real fucking bad. It's kind of like, again, bawdy, right, is's the tone, but it's being bawdy in a racist way, which, you know, you somewhat argue is an essential element of bawdiness in the

British sturdiness. Gabriel has been staked out in the sun as punishment. Yes, he has. He kind of like looks like he's about to say something. And they're like, what? He just, he's just champagne. Like I am always doing this, being tied up and calling for champagne. I am always doing this. I do like Gabriel. He's my favorite character. He's so good. Modesty is wearing a top and a kefir and then the girl, she's wearing like full, like men's dress looks extremely cunty. She's hanging out with her adoptive dad and he's like, you know, you can have anything what do you want? She's like, I'll just give me the diamonds, which is a fun joke to end.

I write down this is a prequel to Siriana. The thing is, right? Pinder. I am obsessed with this movie now. And I'm now obsessed with Modesty Blaze as a character. They should let all of us write it because, right, like, OK, few things. A deep, deep Alice law. One of the first things to crack my egg was Kate Archer in No One Lives Forever 2. And the No One Lives Forever games

were very much trafficking in exactly this kind of like 1960s girl spy kind of wacky kind of zany comedy thing and much like this. It seems to be a kind of a cursed thing, right? Because like this it exists in a kind of like intellectual property hole where there are a ton of people, mostly me, who would love to revive it and do interesting queer trans things with it. But you know, it just kind of exists in this legal limbo. And so Modesty Blaze, this film was not successful because it's too weird. And the author of the newspaper comics was like,

no, don't do any more of these, thanks. And so what they did was there was a 2003 direct to DVD, My Name Is Modesty film, which was made, and this is a studio thing. It's like a fairly common thing depressingly as a pro forma as we have to do this to keep the rights. So Miramax would keep the rights to the character modesty base,

just in case they wanted to hire us to do it. In order to like hold onto it and make sure that we couldn't just do it on our own. They made like a by all accounts completely forgettable movie executive produced by Quentin Tarantino because Quentin Tarantino is a fan because of all of the barefoot shit, the least interesting part of the fucking character. Like Modesty Blaze appeared like this in some of Tarantino's early work, like people changing wigs and also sometimes people directly just reading Modesty Blaze comics. He's a big fan of it. He's pulp fiction. Yeah, he's wanted to make a Modesty Blaze film for years. So do I and I would be better at it.

It unfortunately can't happen. I think at one point like various actresses have said that they wanted to play this, including me. But unfortunately, it's never going to be... Various writers have said that they wanted to write this, including me. Yeah, Neil Gaiman wrote a script for it. I'm a better writer than him. But yeah, unfortunately, it is for legal reasons, never going to be a film until it becomes public domain in like 60 years. it becomes public domain in like 60 years. Well, I mean, okay, so new projects. I'm going to be injecting twink blood to stay alive for the next 60 years. Until 2084.

Yep. In the climate hellscape. And then Kil'James Bond season a billion. Yeah. Season a billion, we find. We're going to keep doing this until we all die. Whoever's left last is going to just be doing it on their own. Yeah, this is the first kind of like combination podcast, Tontine. Yes, daring each other. We've made a pact. Yeah, sacred vow. But yeah, I welcome to

Keltia's bond. I'm November Kelly. Silence. Yes, I'm November Kelly, the lone level sands, unfortunately. Still stretch away. I've made a desert and called it podcast. Yes, I know them. Kelly the lone level sands. Unfortunately, still stretch away. I've made a desert and called it podcast. Yeah. And that's that's modesty blaze. Fuck, I love this movie, man. This is part of my personality. Now I want to get a tattoo, you know, problem is myself and Alice here are the outliers.

The dead man was much, much close. Oh, you're so right. It's not even really a dead name. Cut that and start again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, let me say it again. Sorry. I do want to get rid of it if it's a genuinely not. I just like picked up on it and I thought it'd be funny to like. All right, leave it then. Who the hell this is? My opinion and hers is is is an outlier. The public largely agree with Abby on this one that they made a bad movie on purpose and it was bad. Yeah, as like a forgettable James Bond pastiche,

notable only to like fucking film nerds. As Quentin Tarantino. There's weird shit about this. Like Harold Pinter did a little bit of work on the script. Michael Antoneoni was like on set whispering to Monica Viti suggestions. Like, yeah, it just, I don't know. I think it's much, much better than it's remembered. But most of the reason why is that I think it's quietly

very queer and there is an absolute doth of subversive queer stuff. Yes. Yes, that's very true. And I think that's basically it's as a cope, right? Because I want to make this, but like, and I want to see more of this specifically. But in general, I think the reason why a lot of things suck now is because they don't let you be gay anymore. Or rather they do, but queer has now become its own demographic that because you can make explicitly queer things, they're now like siloed off and used as a tick box. Getting the fucking Netflix LGBTQ pride category idiot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas like, you can't really make mainstream shit like this that is supposed to be queer and subversive because queerness is expected to be explicitly labeled so that people can avoid selling it in China. We're not just China here too. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Very true. I think the kind of mainstreaming and heavy air quotes of like, LGBT, well, LGBT content, is such that like, in some ways, it removes the drive to be subversive. Like, this is a movie that was made like, before the decriminalization of homosexuality in the United Kingdom. And you know, it has all these jokes in it because it was coming from a place where culturally, perhaps, you know, the law was lagging far behind and people would get those jokes, at least some people, not enough to make it profitable or

anything, but like some people would. And yeah, I feel a bit like the song Harlem Roulette here, like, you know, fucking years into the future. What is it? 60 years into the future since they made this movie. Like three queer people with a podcast are going to like pick up on the shit that you put into your movie. So it is important for you to put in subversive queership because you do not know what sort of like future echoes it will have. And I just wanted to like really 100% celebrated on that level, you know, and I want to do a screening of this somewhere. I want to show this to my community. Like, because I think it's really fun.

I would absolutely love to see if we can get Quentin to come come to us. Yeah, shoes off at the door. See how many degrees of separation are I from him? Trans only. Shoes banned. We... Oh, God. Because I've walked down the aisle with a torch just being like, get him off.

Let me see those piggies. Genuinely horrifying bit that... Oh, God. But we don't have to just appreciate it on that level. We can appreciate it on a science-based level. God yeah, yeah, because we solved film criticism a little bit ago. We did. We did.

We have a science-based system. It's called the SCUM system. It stands for SMARM, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. How SMARM-y is this movie? 27. Pretty SMARM-y. I gotta tell you, it's pretty SMARM-y. Yeah, it is. unprovoked violence and misogyny. How smarmy is this movie? Twenty seven. Pretty smarmy. I got to tell you, it's pretty smarmy. Yeah, it is. It might be hard cap in a way that's nice, though.

Yeah. The thing is, is like, how much sincerity do we want to take the points off for? Because like, unedited, this is hard cap smarmy, right? This is like 10. The thing is, I think it's because part of what camp is, is using SMAM to convey sincerity, right? Yes. Watch Paris is Burning, that's what reading is as well, like in a sort of hostile way.

I think it is high SMAM, but in a way that we have to note is good. Like seven. Seven? All right. Yeah, drop it down. Seven, 100%. Cultural insensitivity. note is good. Like seven. Seven? All right. Yeah, drop it down. 700. Cultural insensitivity. Now I'm afraid. Is very racist and not in a way that is good.

Yes. Not that that really is a good way of being racist. You know what I mean? Expand that thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, 40 years later, you know, put racist subversive stuff on your movie so that future racists will be able to identify. Well, the thing is racism is mainstream, so it's less... Yeah, it gets hived off into the Netflix racism vertical. Or stand-up comedy as it's otherwise known.

Oh! All right. Hachi-machi. I think Netflix make good content. I think sometimes they pay people to make good content. Yeah, sure. Feel bad literally pitching a series to them tomorrow. Best luck.

Oh, okay. But I just want to come out by the time that meeting. Okay. Glad we awarded Abby all that money for that contract. Now listen to her podcast. Right. Cultural insensitivity. Weirdly. Bad.

Yeah, real bad. Asian man servant, not a character that already puts it high. Its view of Arabs is like it considers itself to be harmless, I imagine. Right. And that it's like a stock comic character. But the end result is weirdly, I keep wanting to do this movie favours because I'm queer and it's queer. I think You have to be objective.

Yeah. No, it doesn't matter that it's not malicious exactly because it's still really bad. So It's one of the strange features of this podcast is encountering forms of racism that have since gone out of date. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've invented like anti-Arab racism too at this point. So going back and seeing anti-Arab racism one is kind of like, oh, weird.

It might circle back to this. You get hints of it, you know, like when when when Dodie off, I bought Harrods or like, and anytime like the Saudis or the Emiratis sort of like by a football team or something, you get hints of it here and there. But yeah, in general, like this is kind of of a bygone age. But yeah, I mean, aside from that six, seven, the only other character of color is like the first woman that Willie is looking up with is black. Has no lines, sort of just not a character. Seven, seven. Sorry, it's there's not even a mission like there's no characters that are non-white

Mm-hmm. It's and all the ones that maybe could be are played by white guys So fucking prosthetic nose on Yeah, it's really bad. I'm in provoked violence Maybe it's got a chance here to claw some points back because I don't remember there being a whole lot of death. No, I mean, like, goons who get killed, but they definitely push the threat. M fucking kills a guy out of hand, but like, he had a gun. That's true. I see M's body worn video. Mrs. Fogel was definitely posing a threat.

I mean, she dies quite violently, but you know, she was definitely, it was kill or be killed. True. One? Yeah, one. Maybe, yeah. Center one. And perhaps a contentious category.

Yeah, well, best of luck ladies. Oh God, am I going to have to carry half of this because I truly do not know what to fucking say about this. Yeah, it's a mysterious one. It is. I do like that Modesty Blaze is not just a sexualized character. True. I compare this to, for instance, Atomic Blonde, where she's very, very sexualized.

The camera in particular in that film sexualizes her in a way that we don't see so much here. There is a bit of nudity. There aren't any like explicit, well, I was going to say full titty shots. There are definitely some exploitative shots of supporting artists. I feel like the film respects our lead actor more than it does our supporting artists who do get a lot of titty and thai shots. I think the tone again, like I'm back to boardiness, which is proving to be a really elusive concept for me to nail down also quite British as well. So I apologize to American listeners who are not steeped in like seaside postcards.

Oh, never do that. Fine. I retract my apology to our listeners in The Great Satan. Yeah. No, no, we need their money. They're like half the fucking audience. We fare like our top three country listeners are all great Satan's in and of themselves. Oh, yeah. I think maybe all countries accident at the moment are some level of Satan. Most of the West, I'd say. Yeah. Are you pitching a series to Satan on Tuesday? Oh, shit.

Big five of his content. Yeah, for the Satan LGB2 category. We're saying he's great. Yeah. So great. Yeah. So great. Yeah. I don't know. It's certainly it's not feminist and it's not progressive, right?

But it is subversive. And I think the things that it's subverts are a lot of patriots. Like men in this, Bar-Willie Gabriel, who is explicitly gay, are buffoons who are easily exploited. And yeah, that's a common feature to like all of these kinds of comedies. But like, you know, still, still nice. I just, yeah, I think for something steeped in the misogyny of its time. And again, I know we can't grade on that basis. I know you can't be like, well, it's less misogynistic than like cinema at a sort of ambient temperature in 1966 was. But I think it smuggles a lot of stuff in.

Yes. The does challenge patriarchy. So I mean, Yeah, it certainly has no love of patriarchs, both em and Paul are our sort of classic patriarchs and they're routinely made to look silly. All the British government for that matter, which I always appreciate. Yes, that's true. We do get a big scene of them all like sitting around trying to decide what to do after my grandpa gets killed. That's happened in real life. And they're all like made to look very foolish. So, three? has happened in real life and they're all like made to look very foolish so three. Yeah, I'll go for three. Yeah, so it's like middle of the road benefit of the doubt kind of level of misogyny. Yeah, okay, cool. So we don't really know how to answer that one.

In that case, that gives us a total score of 18, which is pretty average. Which is weird for a movie that really isn't like as divisive as it's been. Yeah, we like have strong feelings about it, I think. average. Which is weird for a movie that really isn't. Like as divisive as it's been. Yeah. We like have strong feelings about it, I think. Yeah, 100%. I am going fucking hog wild over this one. I'm going to like incorporate it entirely into my like being now. Yeah. Next week when we do the next recording, you'll see my entire room has been

decorated with small purple triangles. Yeah. I'm going to get a poster. I'm going to get a t-shirt. I'm going to get like a bunch of tattoos probably. I mean, as far as Euro spy movie goes, it's pretty good. Pretty good. I mean, yeah, incredible. Because like this is the thing, one of the benefits of this category this season is that we really get to be surprised. I consider myself profoundly surprised.

Yes. Yes. And yeah, I really, really enjoyed it and I really enjoyed talking about it with my two best friends. Wonderful. I had a great time talking about it with my two best friends. Oh, that's coincidence. Ah, that's the benefit, I think, of this beautiful.

Give us the right to modesty blaze. Sorry. Let us fucking doze. Just me and November. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what? It's fine. We're cutting you out.

Don't worry about it. Well, fuck me, I guess. Well, you seem pretty unexcited about it. I would be in it. I wouldn't like to be working. You'd be in it. Yeah. You don't have to be involved.

Just show up and read the line. So you have to cast the trans woman as modesty and I don't think Hunter can do it. Yeah. Yeah, the two trans actresses that there are. Hunter's not the right casting for this one. It's going to be me. Doing the come-tumb it if I think we should cast a Transwoman as modesty plays, but just never cast a white Transwoman as modesty plays and just like drive white Transwoman more and more insane because you can't complain about it. That's also not it's also a real thing that has happened to me.

I think I told you once that I was up for a major part and then I didn't get it and the feedback I got was don't be white. Good, sir. Well, yeah. Oh, thank you. You got my answer now. Fair enough. You got me on this one.

Fair enough. Yeah. Good for her. Yeah, but the second you show up and try not to be there, oh, yeah, for a whole lot of bloody reasons, you can't win as a white person in society. Anyway, we've got a Patreon. Kill James.

I think we've got some pins left and some tickets for the live shows. Yeah, yeah, go to killjamesbond.com. Fuck around there. Do we have tickets left for the live shows? I don't know. I haven't asked because I'm scared of numbers, but like, I'm pretty sure there might be. Pretty sure. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna leave you with a perfect little Gabriel line.

And again, if you talk like this, fucking call me. What have I done to deserve this? Everyone in my organisation behaves if it was my dad or something. Bye everyone. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. In two weeks time on the free feed, our next episode is yet another O.S.S on the set. It is in Terra in Tokyo in 1966. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then you can head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash killjamesbond,

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