Upstream - S3E17: Charlie's Angels (2019)

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Three Nights, Three Shows. This, dear friends, is the third night of the "Kill James Bond Presents: A Masterpiece of Feminist Cinema" series of shows, and we ended it the only way we know how: Dressed up reeeeeal sexy then talked about a mid movie we'd all seen. This, recorded live at the Streatham Space Project on International Women's Day Weekend, the 10th of March 2024, is Charlie's Angels! ------ FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. Give money to people crowdfunding for passage out of Rafah first and foremost, then purchasing ESIMs, then these links if you feel you need a big name attached to the fund to trust it. Please don't only donate money. You have to do other things now. palestineaction.org/donate https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Ramadan Kareem, angels. Please welcome to the stage, Kill James Bond, Bracket 2024 Reboots. CHEERING MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING MUSIC CONTINUES CHEERING

MUSIC CONTINUES CHEERING MUSIC CONTINUES CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING What's funny? Hello. Hi. How you doing? Hello and welcome to another live episode of Kill James Bond. In this continuity, I am November Kelly and always have been.

I'm joined by my very good friends. Thank you. I'm joined by my very good friends, Abigail, Thorne and Devon. Hi. Oh, these are nice. I deny the catgirl allegations. Yo, are they fucking rebooting us? Yo, are they fucking rebooting us out there? Are they fucking rebooting us out there? Are they fucking rebooting us out there? I deny the cat girl allegations.

Yo, are they fucking rebooting us? Yo, are they fucking rebooting us out there? Are they fucking rebooting us? Fucking get them! Get them! Jesus, girls! Oi! Keeping this. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this.

Keep this. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this.

Keep this. Keep this. I'm not doing that. Restored to the correct timeline, original and the best, and we're silencing non-binary voices. Get that thing off the fuck off my stage. After last night. He's not nice though, I might just sim this thing. Hello and welcome to another live episode of Kill James Bond. Intro done correctly, this time tick off the big OCD box.

I am November Kelly. I am Jo... We're leaving that all in the recording as well. And I am joined as always by my friend Abigail Thorne. Hey! We're keeping this going for a bit. And Devon! Yeah! Beautiful. Look at these fits. Look at these fits.

Sex pervert. Oh, beautiful. Look at these fits. Look at these fits. Sex pervert. Sex pervert. You're mum on an unusual night out. We got her. We got her. Yeah, it took me two nights to finally grasp the assignment, but I got there in the end. And to celebrate International Women's Day,

we have been watching the Charlie's Angels series. You have blessedly, if you haven't seen the other two, you have missed Charlie's Angels 1 and Charlie's Angels 2, Charlie's Angels 4 Throttle. But you have locked yourself in for a night with Charlie's Angels 2019, a movie whose director Elizabeth Banks said it's a movie about supporting and believing women. And it's two hours long.

Supporting and believing women means never editing us. I believe that too. Shout out to our editors. My boy. Yeah. And so we begin with Kristen Stewart because we really have to. We're going to spend most of the time talking about her. We will stay with Kristen Stewart for the whole movie. And what is the first thing that we see in this movie, just to really set our table out, is a real close-up of Kristen Stewart's face,

and she says... Oh, God, what did she say? What did she fucking say? It's the second one. Press the fucking second one. I think women can do anything. Whoo! Except find this drop on a soundboard. We went through and tested all these so you'd know which one. This is workplace bullying.

I have short-term memory issues. Thank you. No, so we see Kristen Stewart, she's in Rio de Janeiro. She's on a date with a guy. She's like in full femme, pink nail polish, blonde, long blonde hair, saying, I think women can do anything. And- To me. Yeah, exactly.

Pretty much at this point, you don't need to see Barbie. Like it's mostly covered by this. And he's being like a gross man at her as boys are wont to do and being like, well I don't think that women can do anything actually because of feminism, you know? It's gone too far, maybe. Have you heard of Jordan Peterson? He's got some interesting ideas. She sucks his fingers. She's the return of Craig Fingersuck. It's true. It's the return of Craig Fingersuk.

It's true. It's a winning distraction gambit. She also tries to kind of jerk him off under the table with her shoe, which means that the sort of foot fetish quotient from the first movie is way back up. It's a good thing she's wearing high heels and not Vs. Crushes your dick instantly. I really think women can do anything.

But so she's talking to this guy, he's Australian. This will become important later. And she delivers a line which really strikes me and it's going to set the tone for the writing of this whole movie. Yeah, if you're beautiful, nothing else is really expected of you. If you're not, you're pretty much rendered invisible. OK, we'll just bank that for later, right?

I think this is cool. This is a cool line, because we're trying to justify why the Charlie's Angels are good at what they do. And this is quite a nice move. I thought that was clever. I think the writing in this is quite hit and miss, but sometimes it hits.

This was a miss for me. Elizabeth Banks is currently working. Yeah, because McG isn't currently working. I don't know if McG is working, I haven't looked into it. His production company made Supernatural, so McG is set for life. Oh yeah, he's so fine. McG, you will not be harmed by this at all. McG sent my boys to super hell?

Oh my god. McGee won't see this, but your friends who are really into supernatural will. Yeah, they are. But yeah, so she's sort of like seducing him and also lightly tying him up with some curtain. And delivers another beautiful example of the screenwriter's art. Did you know? What? It takes men an additional seven seconds to perceive a woman as a threat compared to a

man. Which, it's got too many clauses in it. You can't say this shit. It's genuinely, like, Kristen Stewart's on record because, you know, she's big enough. She doesn't need to, like, say, I had a great time making this movie. She was like, no, it was dog shit. I hated it.

I like the original. She says that about every movie she does. Part of her brand, part of her charm. She doesn't enjoy making movies. Being forced to make movies against her will. Yeah. But she prefers the originals, as to be honest, do I at this point. But yeah, so she attacks him.

And we get a kind of banter fight scene that really makes me miss wire fighting, is the thing. Yeah, that's the thing about the action in this film, because they've kind of updated it. And now it's sort of the action movie girl-flavoured. It sort of looks like every other action film. I have a draw for this. It can be manufactured in pastel colours for the ladies. See...

That's basically the film. Yeah, I used the movie's own words against it in a very bad faith way. But yeah, it's... Because wire-fighting... The first two had wire-fighting because it was over time with the stuff that came out when that came out. So like the Matrix, right? This is just kind of other kind of everything that comes out in 2019 and it's completely

forgettable. Well, a fucking SWAT team kicks the door in, but it's like SWAT team brackets ladies. Yeah. I mean, something previously I had only fantasized about. Particularly given that all of this Australian man's goons are immediately like subdued, zip-tied and hooded and I'm like... You ever see someone... Reinforce an already very existing case in real time? Reinforce an already very existing king in real time. At which point Patrick Stewart enters the movie.

Patrick Stewart, Kristen Stewart, it's like the death of Elizabeth Tudor over here. It's full of fuckers. Fucking hell. I know, I know, listen. I do my best up here. So Patrick Stewart entered the movie and his super objective in all of this is, Patrick Stewart, the real person, needs money. Because bless him, he's a fine actor, he's a great actor, not in this.

I recently read his autobiography and I don't think he mentions this film. Well, I can't imagine it was, the impact emotionally of having to live to deliver such lines as What about Australian Johnny? What about Australian Johnny? Something I love is that as Australian Johnny is being arrested, he's still hitting on Christian Steve. Yeah, yeah, same.

Yeah, he's being zipped by beautiful women who are her friends, by the way. Although the thing is, right, trying to name an Australian character, really like zeroing in on this. What do we fucking call this guy? He's gotta be Australian. What about Australian Johnny? They really do.

Straight up just call him Australian Johnny. Yeah, that's his actual name. That is his full name, Australian Johnny. Kristen Stewart takes her long blonde wig off and she has like a short blonde... Woof woof, fuck, but actually hold on, I don't even need to... Woof! There you go. We need to get that on the soundboard permanently.

Not for the first time we'll be using that drop in the show. Yeah, and she is joined by another of Charlie's Angels and I don't remember a fucking thing that happened in this movie including her name. Her name is Jane of Charlie's Angels. And I don't remember a fucking thing that happened in this movie, including her name. Her name is Jane. It's Jane. Ella Belinska, who is a fantastic actress. She's uptight. She's just like, I'm professional. Hiya, I kick ass. And Kristen Stewart is like, yeah, I'm not professional. I also kick ass. Yeah. That's the dynamic.

That's really well drawn. She kicks Kristen Stewart off a zipline. Yeah, yeah, the zipline. And then Kristen Stewart gets like pushed off a roof and goes like, what? Yeah, and then we get our opening. And you remember how the first two openings were kind of fun and quirk? Oh my fucking god.

I fucking love the opening montage of this movie. This is perfect, man. In the first two films, they show us like, once upon a time, there were three little girls who joined the police department and we introduced the Charlie's Angels. Yeah, they went to space. They went to Vietnam. They fisted the cows pushing. All of this. Yeah, yeah.

This time it's just like, there's a montage of like, yo, you ever heard of women? Yo. Have you fucking seen this? They're like cycling around and shit. It's great. Yeah, it's legitimately like B-roll of various women. Just of women.

It starts with like kids and it's just women in general. And this is the kind of thing that you would put in a children's movie to set the tone. It's the exact same thing that happens at the end of Spy Kids 4. Yeah. Does it keep the tone of a children's movie throughout this? No.

No. It's just like, yo, men too just dropped. I would genuinely believe... I would genuinely believe they got this footage's just like, yo, Men 2 just dropped. I would genuinely believe. I would genuinely believe they got this footage from like a Hillary ad and the whole thing. Yes, that's what it feels like. The whole movie feels like this for reasons we will discuss. Yes, absolutely.

But so then- Men 2 just dropped the rejected title for Simone de Beauvoir's landmark feminist, Lydie's Game Sex. Men 2 just dropped Rory Kinnear's landmark feminist logistic sex. Men too just drop Rory Kinnear's back and he's pissed. Yes, yes. So we have to go to Hamburg, right? Because there is-

Cause there's good tax breaks for filming there? We've met two women and my understanding of the angels is that there's three of them. You remember how we said last time it would be really boring to do an origin story? I remember that, yes. Yeah, well we're gonna do one. Cause one of these so-called men too is in trouble.

Oh no. What is it? Was she on a bloody period or something? What is she bloody... Alright, we're replacing her with a fucking blauhae. It doesn't say shit like that. I mean it has other flaws. Do not get this motherfucker started on where the borders of Albania should be. Yeah, we couldn't have done the Mongolia bit with this guy.

No. He's actually really terrible to work with, but he is currently working, so I can't say no. Also, I've just realised that you can do the, like, theatrical pulling your collar thing with an actual collar, like... Theatrically pulling someone else's collar? Interesting. Developing a kink for getting a big hook that pulls you...

Why do you think I do this? All right, I'm going to need the, you're the Wikipedia synopsis for me on this one. Okay, yeah. So our third not yet angel, Naomi Scott is the actress name. I honestly cannot remember the name of the character. See? Ella, Ella, Ella! Thank God. Okay, she's here to see her her boss whose name is Mr. Fleming. Yeah Because James Bond, I don't know if you've noticed this James Bond's pretty misogynist

What? Yeah We're finally canceling it's over sis and that's T. And this guy this guy her boss pure spits Matt Hancock Yeah, but do you remember that bit where in the election where Matt Hancock got a bit excitable and started rubbing up really closely on a woman who was being interviewed with? Kind of that Matt Hancock vibe. He's of like 1950s misogynist. He's got like the Don Draper misogyny. Yes, he does.

Save this in your brain pockets for later. In your brain pockets. Yeah. In your brain pockets? Women will look at a brain and be like, it's so cute, where'd you get it? And it's like, it's got pockets. That's such a... I look at a woman and I think her brain is cute. Like trying to be this mommy, but just kind of like head injury. Yeah, so Ella's like... It gives you a good brain? It's called a gene. So Ella's like, I almost finished work on the fucking device that we

build here at this company. And he sort of more or less like smacks her on the ass and goes, that's great kitten. Well, cause she's like, we've almost finished the device, the device, which is going to disrupt the power industry. But she says, I think it's dangerous. I think there's a problem with it. And he's like, ah, ooh. Yeah, absolutely. So he just gives like, take no bubble. He just ignores her and he's like, yeah, yeah, whatever.

No, we're taking it to market. You're too smart to lose your job, aren't you? And she's like, oh, yes. If you want to know, by the way, what Callisto is, it's the same thing as from Glass Onion, except instead of exploding, it gives you a brain seizure. And they say the words brain seizure about 50 times. What the fuck else are you seizing?

Brain search and seizure. Brain pocket seizure. It's meant to be like wireless electricity. It's like Tesla shit. And then you talk to it, it's like an AI and it's like a little cute, like, what is the name of the shape? It's like a little, I mean, it's a polyhedron. If you've seen the prints, it's the map from the prints, but it's got magic electricity in it.

You don't remember. So like on the way out, right, this impossibly beautiful woman stops her in the hallway and it's like, I think you dropped this card for the Charlie's Angels agency and just power walks away. Because Charlie's Angels is girl boss now and this is the agency that like helps girl bosses who need a bit more help girl bossing. But in charge of the girl boss agency is Patrick Stewart. Yeah. Who is Bosley.

He's Bosley. He's Bosley from the first movie. This is so fucking funny cause they So Patrick Stewart goes into Charlie's Angels HQ and it's his retirement party And they have pictures of his past missions on the wall And one of the pictures is of him With the original three Charlie's Angels But they've just like photoshopped him over Bill Murray

So he's there with the Bill Murray outfit So he's there with the Bill Murray outfit He's in the fucking second movie as well Cause they do some bits about that Like my favorite Patrick Stewart line, obviously, is, Bosley, I hope the angels aren't being too rough on you. Man, please, that'd be fair, woman. I thought it was a weird delivery, but.

He's like Felix Leiter, and then he's Bosley, he used to have no legs, he was black for a minute. He was obsessed with soup, he was gay, now he's Patrick Stewart. It's a really good bit of like screenwriting here, where as the photos of his face superimposed over Bosley are coming up, he says the phrase, it really happened, there's the proof. He says the... It's all true, all of it.

But yeah, he's coming into the office by the way and the Townsend agency has become Blackwater. Like they have fucking... Girlboss Blackwater. Pinkwater. They've got like pink extraordinary rendition aircraft on the fucking runway ready to go. They've got the pink like armored vehicles and shit. Fabulous rendition. Also they're all called Bosley.

Everyone there is Bosley. Including Elizabeth Banks who's also Bosley. They're all Bosley. Yeah, yeah. And I write down at this point, they take them into the Bosley room, the sort of Bosley conference room. Every wall is a different screen with a different Bosley. And they're like, oh, so sad that you're retiring Patrick Stewart, original Bosley, who invented

there being multiple Bosleys. He invented being Bosley. Also invented the surgery that tints you black and then white apparently. It's a master of disguise. The thing is, at this point, I write down in my notes, oh, so Bosley is both like a name and a title, like Butler and the Artemis Fowl novels. And I just forget that.

I can come back to it later. It's almost an interesting idea. Yeah, interesting. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. And Elizabeth Banks is there and she's like, we're so sorry you're retiring. Yeah, she's a girl, Bosley.

Here's... Thank you. Don't clap her. For fuck's sake. Yes, yes. Don't wear that. Believing women means believing women. I'm telling you, I'm wearing the collar. How much clearer can I be? Believing women means believing that they wrote jokes you doing what I'm telling you? I'm wearing the collar. How much clearer can I be?

Believing women means believing that they wrote jokes even when they stole them from Devon. But Elizabeth Banks is there and she's like, here, drink this. It's not suspicious. And Patrick Stewart's like, yes, I will drink this on camera now. Yeah, beautiful stage drinking. They give them a rose gold watch, which looks alarmingly shit. Can't eat.

Real divergence in taste. I had no thoughts about it. I was like, no. Completely neutral. That's a watch. Yeah. It's a chapeau. It's weird.

A lot of Swiss brands on the lower end get themselves movie placements like this. It's not very good. Okay, Jesus Christ. This is workplace bullying, actually. We're actually listening to women. But the thing is, Elizabeth Banks as girl bossly, I thought this was a cameo at first. And I thought, oh, well, Elizabeth Banks can't act, but that's fine. She's the director. Like legally, you can't stop a director doing a cameo.

Yeah, you can. Did she write a little director's cameo? It's nice. Did she write? Yeah, she did. She wrote, directed, and also co-starred. It's a much more full role than I imagined when I was like, oh, this sucks,

but at least it'll be over soon. No chance, two hours. Not only is she still in it, she comes with them on all the missions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, sometimes it's hard to get cast and shit and you just got to write a movie where you also play one of the leads, okay? So Bosley retires and we go back to Ella who is about to have to launch Callisto, this like future power thing, because they've gone straight to a press conference.

And as she's setting it up to herself, like on a sort of a hot mic, she raps because she's quirky. Does that one? Yeah, yeah, it was supposed to be rapping. And like then it cuts back. Like she does that and it's just her on the screen. And you're like, oh, she's doing that on her. And that's funny. That's funny.

And then she like wanders over to her guy and her guy, well, he'll come back to him. He goes, sick flow, bro. You really went for it. Twenty nine. And then it zooms out. And every single investor in the company is also in that room, which is like the size of a small fucking bedroom. Just all in. Yeah.

And she did really go for it. The owner of the company, Brock Industries, Alexander Brock is there and you can tell he's not a bad guy because he actually looks at her, whereas her boss is trying to restrain his alien hand from groping her and saying slurs that haven't been heard since the 1960s. I think there's a degree to which like these opening scenes, they really pile on the misogyny very, very, very hard. I like it. I think it's worth like pushing it to near.

Oh, so you like misogyny, do you? I think it works for the effect they're trying to get across, right? I'm not like giving you a second of that fucking show. Right? They're pushing it to like-parodic heights. The guy walks up front and he goes, he's talking about it in the first person as if he'd made it.

And he goes, we have a little help from my team, and we know she did 100% of it. It is nice. I mean, it's bad, but it's good. But they put it in a movie. It's very girl boss. Yeah, 100%. But they launched the thing, and it works, sort of.

It powers the whole building, it powers the whole facility and Alexander Brock is very pleased with her. What fucking happens next? So then we go back to see Jane, who is training with Guy I love to see gym on Hounsou. He's so fucking good in his phone. As French Bosley. Yeah, French, Monsieur Bosley. Yeah.

Training in a boxing gym with him, and he's like, okay, I've got a new assignment for you. Gotta pay you up with somebody you've worked with before, who I gather you really like and got on with and didn't push off a roof. At this point, Christian Stewart appears, and I've made several detailed notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've made one very vague one. Smokey eye, dark red lip, white shirt, whoa. That's about the gist of it. And they're like, oh, we have to work together? We hate each other. Yeah, yeah. Because like, Frank Bosley is like, you're very professional.

You used to work for MI6. Here's some more of your backstory. You're like basically a ninja. Here's fuch dip shit. Which I guess is very compelling because like we work together, right? I think. And. I think...

I think I went on a date with Butch Dipshit like three weeks ago. I'm a great tech guy so I'm a D&D game actually. Butch Dipshit. Also I will say that the kind of... The thing with Kristen Stewart in this movie is that the increment of how Butch a woman can be before everyone gets scared has moved a couple of notches. Yes. And it's gone from like Drew Barrymore in a Judas Priest t-shirt to Kristen Stewart with like a really dark, matte lip in a Hawaiian shirt.

Yes. The shirt's fantastic, I really like it. But the thing is, you can go a bit more butch, but then you have to dial it back by being like super skinny again. So it's like really like, you know, toxic little trade offs. There's a number of points they had a character creation. Like they went with the short hair, they had to go with thin, you know.

Yeah, I mean, you sort of piercings were a dumpster, you know. But yeah, so the thing is... Charisma as well. The thing... Remember how the thing about Ella was that she was quirky, right? Well, the thing about Sabina, Kristen Stewart's character, who we're just going to call Kristen Stewart most of the time, is that she's also quirky.

This may form part of a pattern. And so her dialogue is all shit like this. Hamburg, interestingly, not where hamburgers were invented. That was in Frankfurt, where frankfurters were not invented. It was just... Cool. American geography lessons be like... Frankfurt, where Frankfurters were not invented. It was just... American geography lessons be like... I stole that joke from Nate, by the way. You fully did, Steve.

Just full force stole that one. Thank you, Nate. But yeah, she's also quirky. At least we've got this serious one to narrow things down. She's never gonna become quirky also. Thank God. Yeah, so they gotta go to Hamburg because Ella needs their help. She wants to blow the whistle and they got to go meet her.

So they set, so they set this meeting in a coffee shop in Hamburg. And Ella's there as a waitress. French Bosley is interviewing her. And she's, and he's like, hey, do you want to like blow the whistle on this? Like misogyny? Maybe. And also in the coffee shop is a guy with an insane typewriter set up. He's banging shit out on this. This is a sinister guy taking notes. If you're trying to be subtle, typewriter is not the way to go.

If I had to pick a flaw with this, he's got right. So his setup is he's got a typewriter with a mirror on the front. So you can see her over his shoulder and he's like, laptops have webcams. Pig latining it or some shit. Yeah. Also, there's an incredible fucking moment where like Kristen Stewart is up on a balcony of the building opposite. She's like, keeping lookout, right?

And we go, the shot is like her, she's looking through binoculars. Then we see Ella through the binoculars, so she's looking at her. Then we cut back to Christian Stewart from a low angle and Christian Stewart says, oh, you're so cute, I gotta get a dog. And in... And what they... Yeah, so they put the sound of a dog barking in post,

but we don't see that dog barking. So they're playing it like, oh, she got distracted and she's looking at somebody walking a dog right. I choose to believe Christian Stewart just tried to make this really gay. I guess we got to put in a dog. There are a few things to suggest that point of view. But yeah, so he brings his insane typewriter set up into the coffee shop and no one else has pissed at him for this. And in fact, it takes the unusually astute professional spy to even notice him.

And she takes a fucking minute about it. And then, so when he pops off, when he like attempts to murder Ella, Jane gets her counter gun? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is on the customer side of the counter, by the way. You just sit down at the counter in Starbucks, there's a Glock there. Can I get a Glock?

Venti or Grand? And yeah. Decaf. They have a fight, including one bit where he's about to punch her as she's on the counter. She rolls out of the way and he full force punches a bowl of salad. And they leave that shot of him just fracturing this bowl of salad.

That's so good. I am punching your salad. So now you're like, oh, come on. But yeah, so Chris and Stuart has to run down a bunch of stairs to get to them. And as they're having this fight, I reflect that not only is the fight choreography worse, right? But also in Charlie's Angels 2, we introduced Guy who is a piece of shit, Guy who is an abuser, whose violence is like disproportionate and like not fun in the way that all the wire fighting is fun, right? But now, because this is made like every action movie,

and every action movie is more violent, the baseline level of violence is fucking higher. And because we've established that Jane used to be an MI6 and used basically a ninja and she's powerful, it's like respectful to have a guy like punch her really hard in the head, when you never would have done that in the first couple of movies. And it just, it really strikes me that like,

oh, we've made this a lot more misogynistic by accident. This is why realistic movies are worse. Yeah. Because they're such a fetish for, like, oh, the fights are so gritty and they're real and they're real and they're worse. They're straight up fucking worse because the other ones had wire fighting, whereas this one just has hard cuts, like, really choppy fucking editing. You can't see what's going on. It's the girl boss.

It's like every other Rascal actually. It's the girl boss thing, right? To show that a woman is capable and like capable in a sort of violent field. You make it like a, it's paying her a compliment if you have a guy like punch her really hard. And it's like, well, kind of a bit with atomic blonde, that kind of thing.

But I think we identified that that's fucking uncomfortable to watch sometimes as it is in this. You know? Anyway, they get into a car chase because French Bosley rolls up and then our discount Crispin Glover has a... He is, he is! He doesn't say anything. He only has one line in the film which we'll get to later. And he has the neck tattoos and it's like, you should have just brought Crispin Glover

back. He looks a bit like if Milo Edwards got really into HGH and neck tattoos. He does, he does. Like, swole Milo. Like, genuinely, it's a little unsettling. But so, do you remember how we said this was going to be grounded and sort of like realistic and gritty? Yep.

At this point, the car minigun pops up. Yeah. We're doing Daniel Craig James Bond shit here. Yeah. It's just a 2019 action movie. It's so boring, man. I've seen this 100 times before. My only note here is a realistic movie is one where a full minigun clip can be emptied into a Nissan

micro without hitting any of the three passengers. Yeah-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. There is a really funny moment, though, where they get rammed off the road into the river, and then the assassin discount Crispin Glover is, like, about to shoot into the river, and then Kristen Stewart comes around the corner on a dirt bike and kneecaps him with a motorcycle, which is sick.

Yeah. She uses the cop voice on him to get him to, like to stop resisting as well. Woof. Ha ha ha. This doesn't... She would hit me with a bike. Yeah, exactly, exactly. This doesn't work though.

I forget what he even does. He just drops a smoke bomb or something. He blows up his car. He excites himself to strut. A masterful gambit. Loads of... I just had this block of C4 in the back seat in case I had to incinerate myself instantly. Yeah.

Just really lacking self-confidence. Also, he doesn't run away. He just blows it up. Same with the underside of this table. But she's on the floor. He just walks away. He saunters. And also, French Buzzer Lee is dead, RIP.

Yeah, one of the bullets fucking managed to pierce the fucking cushion. What do they make those cushions out of? By the way, Swole Milo, his name is Hodak, right? Just to book that for later. I just meant to be like Hungarian or something, but I only knew this because I got the IMDB cast list and when he got hit with a bike, I did say to myself, Hodak moment.

So... So... So they rescue Ella from the scene, and they're like, Sorry about that. So they rescue Ella from the canal. I prefer a Fuji film. That was the name of the Mongolian guy. Deranged or demented? Deranged or demented Yamaha and deranged who she is. So they go, they rescue Ella out of the, out of the fucking submerged car, right?

And they all have to go to a safe house. And I do appreciate that Kristen Stewart, being the butch one, she gets in the safe house, immediately takes her trousers off and walks around like a sexy Winnie the Pooh. She's just like me for real. And they have to get rescued by Elizabeth Banks, who tells them the bit that I fucking said earlier. Bosley's a rank in our organization. It's like a lieutenant. What? Why is it that? Yeah, like how every lieutenant's called Lieutenant.

Yeah. Yeah, Bosley Colonel, Bosley Commander, you know. Is it just another guy's name if you promote above that? Charlie. Fuck. I guess that is true even. It's names all the way up. Yeah. My God, I never thought of later. It's names all the way up.

Yeah. My God, I never thought of this. Damn, these guys all have names. What the fuck? But also she does a bit where Kristen Stewart is like too tough for hugs and then Elizabeth Bosley is like, what are feelings anyway? It's just like, yeah. She's like, everyone loves a hug.

She loves to like generalize, does Elizabeth Bosley. She's like, all women need a hug right now All women are feeling a little bit sleepy You think I'm joking? There's a line later on their food Starving all women are starving all the time All women are watching a podcast live show Because of it, we're hungry. Yeah, we. Women be hungry. Women really do be hungry though, for real.

Yeah, yeah. At this point, all women are in the safe house. Yeah. It's a barefoot safe house, by the way. Everyone's barefoot in the safe house and I'm trying to decide if that's like a house rule that they've got to go in. It's like a no shoes house, but they go a step further. You walk in and you're like, let's see those piggies. Again, can we replace the fly high?

And at this point they go, well, we got owned. Ella, why did we get owned? And she says, well, Callisto can be weaponized into an anti-personnel device that will give you brain seizures if you turn it up too high. I tried to warn them, but they didn't listen to me. And they're like, OK, cool. Now we have to steal the six Callistos, which are in a vault?

We have to do a heist again, like in the first couple of movies. It's time for the heist scene of the movie. The structure is the same. And they say to each other, right, I know what the move is. The move is bowl cuts. Bowl cuts? Bowl cuts. Bowl cuts.

We do bowl cuts? They haircut now? And they cut to a haircut, which is not a bowl cut. It's just because they've given her a wig and they're all going to wear the same wigs. They do a gender swap Thomas crown affair. Thank you. A Thomasina crown affair. Tami crown affair.

When they get changed, by the way, into these disguises, Shane has a fantastic line. Tommy Dorfman crown affair, fuck! A line I'm going to be thinking about for a hot minute because it's really funny. Crown Affair. When they get changed by the way, into these disguises, Shane has a fantastic line. Tommy Dorfman Crown Affair, fuck! A line I'm gonna be thinking about for a hot minute, because it's one of the bits we would do. If we're in the building when they do their next security sweep, we're all going to German prison.

I would hate to go to German prison. Asked five minutes before going on for the Berlin live show. We've all committed to saying Palestine will be free from the river to the sea. It's one of the main things they send you to German prison for. That's the only thing I think at the moment. And then they do the thing of like, well, we got these two keys. We got the like fucking gelatin finger fuck panel or whatever. Well, we had to get them off these two guys and the way in which we got them

reflects our different approaches, right? So one of them, Kristen Stewart's character got, and she got this off a guy by going to a gym and getting distracted and horny by every woman she saw. She just like me for real. She does. She does do this. So like she steals the ID pass out of the security guard's bag and then she goes to the front desk and like she goes, hi, bye. And then turns away. And then another woman comes up to the desk.

And what happens is, I'll give you a little demonstration. So so Christian Stewart's like, she's got the ID and then she's like, hi, bye, walks away, and then another one comes up and Christian Stewart goes... But, but, she gets to here, and they fucking cut away from it! They're trying so hard to cut all of the gay shit that Christian Stewart wants to do. She's trying to make it gay! Genuinely.

So if you're listening to this on the recording, fuck you. Bless her lesbian heart because she keeps trying to do gay shit and they keep cutting away from her. I had a brain run the entire way through reading this. Oh, in your brain pocket. I've been thinking a phrase since I watched this movie the first time a couple of days ago and every single time I hear her name I think the sentence got a Muslim homie named Christian Stewart Chinese Mike line I just so James way of getting the thing off of her

the thing off of her guy. What is that? That's not... I know it's nothing, but every time I hear a name I'm just like, Kristen Stewart. Got a Mongolian army named Demented Mongol. Ramadan Mubarak, of course, to Kristen Stewart. So Jane's approach is like, oh yeah, just choke the guy out. Right. Yeah. I quite like this.

I like a sort of comic, you know, comic tough woman character in this way. Right. Also, the movie says something up here because as Ella walks into the building, there's a security guard who we hear his name is Ralph, who like pulls her aside and like gives her, you know, a random scan, babe. And then like gives her the zzz with the thing right and then we the thing that we do is like the thing we learn is that yeah she pulled aside for a random scan I'm doing it so we surmise that like he does this a lot right he's kind of flirting with

her and it's unwelcome right just just file ralph away in the brain pocket yeah we'll come back to him later as he lets her through he goes don't forget to away in the brain pocket. Yeah. We'll come back to him later. As he lets it through, he goes, don't forget to smile in the creepy German voice. And it's like, man, maybe this guy should be in German prison. Like, if they're going to be putting people in German prison, I think that's. They've got to send my guy to German.

They've got to send my guy to German hell. In prison, like, no, it's fine. I didn't expect expected to be German arriving in hell and be like no I did expect there to be some Germans here although I will say this for Ralph right and this is this is not you not you Ralph might be a creep but he is fucking on it, right? As a security manager, as a goon. And as an evil genius, you have to make these trade-offs, right?

Like, yeah, OK, he's kind of a creep, but he's the only guy who sees with his eyes. Because he looks at the cameras, and one time, he sees two women in bowl cuts. And he's like, oh, there must be a glitch Second time he sees he's like get everyone kill him see all the fucking building These motherfuckers to German prison Here we just call it prison

Here is nice no prison you'd hate to be in England and then you get sentenced to go to German prison. It could be worse. You could go to English prison. That's true. They say you're in German women's prison. When? At this point, we get like a sort of extended chase scene because they find that most of the Callisto devices are missing. They've already been taken.

They've been taken by a manhandcuff. Yeah. Yes. We established that there are six of them that exist. Yeah, there's one left. Also, by the way, they use this as like a sort of global threat. You know, anyone could be made to have a brain seizure with these things. There are six of them. You can make made to have a brain seizure with these things. There are six of them.

Yep. You can make six people have a brain seizure. I don't know about you. I know there's three of us. You could do all of us twice. But like... Because the idea is it could be like an anonymous weapon anywhere and it looks like an accident. I guess.

It's like a stealth spy weapon. Maybe... Who's the like top six like list of people you would most want to assassinate? If you had the- Nice try, officer. Fuck, I'm never gonna be able to send her to German prison. I'm holding out for Dutch prison. But yeah, so I actually, Ella Belinska, Jane,

she kind of grows on me here. I mean, it throws me, but she sounds a bit like one of my exes, and she's got the kind of like imperious combat dynamic, whereas Kristen Stewart's being a kind of like lesbian gremlin, which is more like my thing. I mean, at one point they get made and this happens. I need you to exhibit some attention-seeking behavior.

The voice, you see? I have so many ideas. And, but the thing is, her ideas... Her ideas were bad. Yeah, yeah, what's her idea? She starts making monkey noises and just doing this. I'm like, have a second idea. I would have caught, I would have done a crime straight away.

There's windows all over the shop, you know? You gotta be decisive, you know? You pick your first idea, even if it's not your best. The first thing I saw was a window and a chair. I'm like, I can get attention right now. Yeah, but can you do it like a sort of... Maybe more than actually they wanted in that moment. Yeah, they want attention in the building. Yeah, I want attention. Just shoots a guy, you know.

So Jane, Jane goes into the lab and there's a guy in there and they sort of flirt. Yeah, they bond over chemicals. Yeah, is that the bonding? Okay. Yeah, they bond over chemicals. Is that the bonding? Okay. Yeah, they bond ionically. They bond like two pieces of cardboard in an alley. Because she's trying to like contrive some kind of bomb or something to keep Ralph and his goons out.

And he's like, yo, is that phosphorus? Cool. That's my favorite chemical. it's nice to do the like I love tickets thing displaced onto a guy I appreciate making him nervous around her I think that's cool you know this is kind of like making women tough it's like you know it's got benefits and downsides and this is one of the benefits. take note this is Jane flirting with this guy this is the character of Jane is flirting with this guy just make a note

of that. yeah. Chris is here in the earpiece is like yo is that is flirting with this guy. Just make a note of that. Chris is here in the earpiece, it's like, yo, is that you flirting with this guy? And essentially what she's saying to him is, don't fucking move or I'll break your kneecaps. It's like, is that? He like slides some fucking gummy bears across the table to her. And it took me a second.

She's doing the, oh my God, this is so science teacher. I'm sorry. You heat up potassium chloride in a boiling tube and drop in a gummy bear and it like does that it does the fucking like big fire and it starts screaming and things like that. Do they send you to German prison for doing that to a guy? Oh my god that's crazy. It's like ahhhh!

But you do have to heat it up and she hasn't heated this. She would have just poured gummy bears into just a big container of... and it would have... What the fuck are we doing here? And I'm November... I'm sorry I did this for a job. Oh, imagine every time you start talking about acting and I'm just like, oh boy. Maybe I won't do that actually. I was about to do the same pose you are and then I realized I'm wearing a skirt.

Bad idea. Sending you both to German prison. Nein! Nine! Nine! Dog! So, yeah, so they flee to the exit and girl Bosley is about to like, you know, drive the escape van around and Ralph catches them because he's good at his job and he hates women. He's like, my job is to chase and catch a woman. Perfect. And... They fucking kill this guy!

Yeah, they fucking... Yeah, they send him to German hell They send in a super hell They give him a brain seizure Yeah he dies of not listening to women crucially because because he They like stick the thing on the door to get them out and he's like I don't need to know what that is And I don't need to listen to you explain it to me because I'm a man and then gets the brain seizure

Many such cases And when they're in the car afterwards and they're escaping Ella goes, oh my god, I think Ralph is dead I'm a killer now. I've killed I've taken a human life She's not remorseful about this at all No one else is either, they're just like don't worry about it She kind of is for a second and she's you know, she's in the kind of like trauma zone and she's like man It just feels like there's no bottom to the world She's like gusher that everything leaks out and Kristen Stewart's like yes cool

It's based because she just goes like I wouldn't take that on and it's just like what that really implies some things about the morality Of this private enterprise that you're in. Yeah. No kidding. I'm what are they even doing? You just killed a German man For no reason that's not a problem for you. a problem for you? I guess he was only German. They play it for comedy too in a way. It's not someone important like a German woman. Because she's like, what if he's dead? And they're like, no, no, no, he's not dead.

And the next shot is them zipping him up in a body bag. They're just like, I'm sure he's fine. He's going up to state and a big fire's going off. No sure he's fine. He's going upstate in a big fire truck. No, he's dead. Yeah. God, what the fuck happened? They go to the Berlin safe house. Yeah.

And at this point we have to meet the good man. This is his next location. This is the queue scene, by the way. It's true. This is the bit where Elizabeth Bosley says, all women are hungry all the time. We have a guy for that. He's like, tame. The saint. He's an ally. Yeah all the time. You should meet, we have a guy for that. He's like tame.

The saint. He's an ally. Yeah, the saint. He's the... Perhaps I should take it to my home. He could have gone. He's that sort of holistic Q. Guru. Yeah, wellness Q.

Yeah, he's a wellness Q basically. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, do you want... There's some clothes in that low seven. This is a sh shyatsu massage. Do you want some kombucha? The one thing he doesn't say is do you want some weed, which would have been very funny.

Yeah. But he's woke and he's soy. He also says like, do you want a chiropractic adjustment? And I've written the word bullshit in all caps here. Kill James Wan... That's not wellness. That's unwellness. That's harm, actually.

Kill James Wan's safety tip. Do not ever thank you to thatwellness. That's harm actually. Kill James Bond's safety tip, do not ever, thank you to that one spinal surgeon in the front row. Yeah. Who's supporting. Gyro practice. Kill James Bond's safety tip, do not go to a chiropractor. That is made up bullshit that the person who invented it

claimed was taught to them by a ghost. That is a, legitimately, a good way to get a brain seizure. But yeah, so the same, he's like very touchy feely, but like a woke way. So he's like, I could give you like a chiropractic adjustment. And he's like hovering over her and he's like, do you consent? You know? Not to that.

No, no, exactly. It's like really, it's just a little bit uncomfortable. But he sort of like outfits them with green juices and also bulletproof sports bras and guns, because guns are back. They weren't before because Drew Barrymore didn't like them. like outfits them with green juices and also bulletproof sports bras and guns because guns are back. They weren't before because Drew Barrymore didn't like them. But now it's like every other action movie they have. They've got guns.

Do you know how much boring that makes a fucking fight scene? In order for them to have a fight scene, they have to like show the gun and then be like, oh, and it's gone for some reason now. And it's like, just don't have the guns. By the way, by the way, I got to talk about the the sort of all women are starving all the time, right? And the green juices and the wellness and stuff.

First of all, that's not profound or feminist. It just kind of sounds like those things. And it just like, like I'm a woman, I'm about ready to burst out of this dress because I'm not starving all the time. Correct. And pretty much rendered invisible. I mean, like that's the sad and the thing if you're not pretty,. Pretty much rendered invisible. I mean like that's they say it in the thing if you're not pretty you're pretty much

invisible and then they just live down to that the whole time. Then everyone's pretty. Yeah it's just really it really annoys me it's really depressing. I had a bad time this month. I would have done a script treatment of this where all I do is change her lines where she's saying all women are to just women be. It it would have the exact same semantic context. It's like a different meaning, like yeah. Women be hungry. Women really do be hungry all the time. Also that note said dress and I changed out of the dress

for this, so whatever, we'll get to that. I guess I kind of like that there's a man in like a support kind of caregiving role, I guess. That is kind of nice actually, now that you say it. He's gay, he's very catty as well and I do like it. Well most cats are evil, he's like French Bosley is dead, I know how much he meant to all of you, here is a memorial cheese board. Not a joke, not a joke, that happens in the film. Which is kind of what I want as well. Yeah! I agree, yeah. Actually, nothing's there.

I really want when I die for there to be a memorial cheese board. I think we can institute, if this movie has any lasting cultural impact, it's going to be a piece of trivia in like a pub quiz in like 22, 24. It's like, where did the beloved sort of institution of memorial cheese board come from? And one person is like, oh, it's from Charlie's Angels. I'm now earnestly trying to think one person is like I was from Charlie's Angels I'm now earnestly trying to think what cheese is what I want It's it's like the origin of the phrase bucket list being a forgettable movie It's just like this becomes a huge thing and it's from Charlie's Angels

Yeah, the memorial cheese boards once you complete the bucket list everyone else gets a memorial cheese I think we should enter into some sort of like cheese board tontine Like if either of us die the other two put on a some sort of like cheese board tontine. Like if either of us die, the other two put on a fucking stonking cheese board. Yeah! Bunch of like local chutneys, you know? I'm willing to commit to this right now on stage. Okay, 100%. It's a verbal contract.

So, we got a check in on her boss, Don Draper, Ian Fleming, who is dressed like the man from Del Monte in the white suit, the white fedora. And he's like, right, I'm going to bring my mysterious seizure cubes onto a commercial flight and go to Istanbul. And so they got to follow him to Istanbul. But before they do, they have to outfit Ella with some Charlie's Angels gear. And she's like, you know, am I at Charlie's Angels now?

And they're like, no, not even close. We've got like an hour and a half of this movie left. And it's just, yeah. Also, we have some callbacks to the previous film because they've got like a big, a giant closet. Yeah. And then it's got all the Charlie's Angels outfits from the previous films in.

And then like, they give her, it's like a girl fantasy scene that like dress her up and like they give her gadgets and stuff. Then there's like- And here's the guns room. Well, they say guns room, but then he says, what happens is the same comes down the stairs and he says, have you seen the second closet?

And I'm like, yeah, often you come out as bi, but then there's another bigger one. Yeah. Non-binary and then yeah, happens. I love, I love including the old costumes. They do a really romantic pan across all these costumes. Like I'm supposed to see the coat Cameron Diaz went to the Mongolian racism bar in and be like, whoa. You should be, you're the only person who watched Charlie's Angels do immediately before this. This is true. It's for us. Yeah, absolutely.

I didn't like it. Sorry. They give Ella a girl tranquilizer gun and a girl radio transmitter bracelet. It's very like Barbie's find. And she's like, I don't know if I can do this. And then the marvelization of script happens again. Because Kristen Stewart, the fun one, the quirky one goes, I grew up with major abandonment issues.

It led to some pretty self sabotaging behavior. Just knowing the words isn't the same as being able to write a fucking line. In the second one of these movies, they did that same bit, but with showing and not telling, and it was verged on the actually profound. The thing is, if you write characters who have been to therapy, they are often less interesting. Yeah. It really smooths off a lot of edges. It does.

It does. Ideally, you want one character who's been to therapy, and one who, like, everyone else hasn't. Because that's the journey of the film, is her coming to terms with her abandonment issues. That's her arc. Yeah. But it's like, they can't decide what they want each character

to be in. They're all kind of Swiss army knives, right? Whenever they need someone to be quirky, that character is quirky. Whenever they need one to be tough, they're tough. Whenever they need one to do the INTJ explanation thing, they do that. And it's just, yeah. Whenever one of them tries to do something gay, they're like, no. Yeah, they just slap your hand away. They're just not really differentiated. All all three of them make the same jokes.

They all go on the same podcasts all the time. Listen, if you can't tell the three of us apart after this long, I know what to tell you. It's pretty clear, like color coded visual indications. So they go to Istanbul. And this is a point, like I'd like to introduce a supporting character who's been in a lot of movies I love the female protagonist in Middle East scarf

It's not a hijab. It's just kind of it's around, you know Yeah Homeland You know and it pops up on on different actors in these scenes just as and when you need it to Because Jane has a source in Istanbul and this source runs a clinic and they bring her like... Ran past tense. Ran clinic. Oh yeah, because MI6 didn't support women and didn't believe women.

No, but they blew women up, which is very much not supporting women. This is true about MI6. I wonder if we're going to grapple with being a spy and misogyny inherently. No, no, not really. They're just like, I'm sorry that MI6 made me do that. Will you forgive me? And she's like, if you bring me a van full of birth control

pills, Tampax, and shit for unwed mothers. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of nice, actually, because it's not explicitly said that this was an abortion clinic. But that's kind of the implication, is that when Jane was with MI6 She blew up an abortion clinic and then she says that's why I quit actually Yeah, although I feel sort of mixed feelings about this because they're delivering on this stuff quite clandestinely in Istanbul

Like it's fucking like rock like the Turkish government's fucking awful, right? I'll say that on the record, but this board is on the insult thing Yeah, especially being like let's get this shit off the streets so nobody sees. And it's Kristen Stewart holding a foot spa. Yeah, it's not Florida. Yeah. Are we aware that Turkey is not actually PvP enabled, like Thunderdome? Like a place where people live.

I don't know, maybe at this point, this is a good chance to trot out my thesis with film, which is that this film was made in 2019, which is like during the Trump administration. And I think in a lot of ways, this is a kind of like lib feminist response to Trump. Hugely. When like there was a lot of curtailing and ongoing curtailing of women's rights in the USA.

Like, yeah, I think that's kind of the page that we're reading from here. Weird to filter this through Turkey, a place where women's rights also got worse in a lot of ways, but which the movie doesn't know or care that much about. And so it just has this hijabi woman who's running like an abortion clinic and the scarves kind of go up a bit. And it just, it feels very, very strange to project this onto Turkey specifically.

And onto Britain specifically, because it's like, oh, MI6 blew up the abortion clinic, but of course, our CIA would never do any such thing. Well, it's, yeah, because like she specifically is like, oh, I'm sorry, I was working with like clandestine intelligence, I'm so sorry, I thought they wouldn't burn my source, quote unquote. And then she goes like, but these guys I'm working with now, they're a non-governmental NGO.

Shit about to give me a brain seizure. Yeah. I got a German prince. My actual thing is this fucking movie loves tautologies and I would do a script treatment and it's just like remove half of what they fucking say. Then the movie's an hour long. Yeah. Oh my god.

NG, NGO. Yeah, then the movie's an hour long. Yeah. Oh, McDonald's had a spy. NG, NG, oh. They have to go to Fleming's hotel. And the original movies would 100% have made Kristen Stewart wearing a maid outfit, a sex thing.

This one knows enough not to, but then they can't think of anything else to do to make the scene interesting. Accidentally making misogynist points for them. Well, so she's looking around like Matt Hancock's room and then she puts his toothbrush in the toilet. It's a PG-13 version of the toothbrush thing for an infant jest.

Like, it just goes in the toilet. And then they have to follow him because the doohickeys aren't in his room. And we do some more like lightly hijabing up the protagonist's scarves. You don't need to do that in Istanbul as much as Erdogan might wish it so. This is the point where I did like an hour and a half of research into like the decline of Turkish secularism. And then I decided that you would probably like snore at me.

No, no, I'm interested in this. This is where the Patreon money goes. Yeah, into the decline of Turkish secularism, apparently. We did that. You're welcome. We funneled all of that money into Law and Justice party. I personally... Yeah, sorry about that one. James Bond apologizes.

I didn't know what it was. I assumed that Law and Justice are good, right? Sounds good, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who doesn't like what it was. I assumed that like law and justice are good, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who doesn't like law and order? I love that show. I thought we were gonna put out a cheese board and hang out with the Captain crew or something.

I was bringing Elliot Stable to Istanbul and unfortunately what they did was they spent that money on like making hijab mandatory. Ed, listen, it happens to the best of us. It's very embarrassing. We don't wanna talk about it. Yeah, it happens to the best of us. It's very embarrassing. We don't want to talk about it. So, Matt Hancock is going to go to a horse race tomorrow and he's going to sell Callisto there. So, let's all fucking go there. Kristen Stewart dresses as a jockey. She does?

Hello? Not only that, but she dresses as a jockey and then because she's like neurodivergent, as she walks off, she's like cropping her own ass with a riding crop. She is doing that. She's's literally me she is literally me what I will say is prior to this scene when they're doing like a briefing in the in the Berlin safe house or whatever the fuck I mean it must be a simple one I guess the the broad who I've not written the name down of the third one feminist podcast the third Charlie angel that's not one yet but is is going to be one at some point. That's the spice.

Ella, she stands up in the middle of their briefing about the next thing they're going to do and does a big speech about how like, I can do this. I know you guys think I'm useless, but like I can really do this. And they like look at her and are like, you're like, you're in the briefing. Well, obviously you're coming. We gave you the comms bracelet and everything. And she just like sits down and is like, look at her and you're like, you're in the briefing. Obviously you're coming. We gave you the comms bracelet and everything. And she just sits down and is like, remember when we gave you a gun? Anyway.

It's cute, yeah. It's nice. I liked it. I want to highlight bits I like because there are like four. So they do some spy shit at the fucking hepadrome. I forgot the word for like horse racing track. That place. Ella has to like do some bits with the earpiece, where she's relaying information from a guy

by like sort of repeating everything he says, like she's stupid, which is fun. Jane gets to point a sniper rifle at people. And then Kristen Stewart, she gets a line, right? And I'm trying to think where I fucking put this thing. Yeah, it's this one, because Hodak shows up with Fleming. It's the assassin. They showed up.

He's looking good. They showed up. They showed up. Showed up. They showed up. They showed up. They showed up. No, it's bae. Bae showed up. Bae showed up. Bae showed up? They showed up. They showed up. They showed up. No, it's Bey. Bey showed up. Give me that again. What? Yeah. I'm gonna have that shit again. It's the assassin. Bey showed up.

God fucking damn. She really wants revenge against him because... It's way worse. She wasn't even in the fucking room. The only interaction she had with this guy thus far is taking him off with the knee with a motorbike. Yeah. Whatever. Impossible to say. He has in fact shown up with a gun. And he bundles Flemming into the car and they're like, shit, we've got to follow him.

And I say, horse, horse, horse, horse, because Chris and Stuart rides a horse after them and it rules. She does? Yeah. I mean, it's fucking great, but the thing is it's less impressive because it's put in the shade by the thing immediately following it,

which is Elena, she's sprinting in heels and they do a full pan down. Yeah, they do do that, that is very cool. Full on sprinting in like high heels, it's amazing. It's hard enough to just walk up three steps. Yeah, tell me about it. These are block heels and I feel defective. Those aren't shit.

Yeah, I know and every time I'm like, ooh, ah, ooh. I don't think they're nice. No, thank you. I don't know if they're good, I just mean that they're on high, that's all I know. Yeah, no, no, the thing is I am bitch, look, I'm just, right.

They look nice. They're nice heels. Thank you. Like they look good. But look, you see. Yeah. Again, if you're listening to the audio recording, They're nice. They're nice heels. Like they look good. Again, if you're listening to the audio recording, fuck you. But yeah, I take two steps on these things. I'm like, ooh, ow, ow. All women are in pain from their heels.

Women be in pain from their heels. It's true, it's true. So at this point, I note down, there's another hour left on this fucking movie. So at this point, they're driving away, and they figure out they must be going to a quarry, which occasions the line from somebody, get me the specs. There's a fucking hole in the ground. Imagine a mountain, it's the opposite of that.

We got this 3D scan of the situation for you. It's a circle, it's a hole in the ground, whatever. The direct line is we've left the city limits, there's nothing out here but a rock quarry. And I like two things that are like, first of all, the enunciation of rock quarry, and second, again, it's a tautology. Just say quarry. You don't need to, it's a enunciation of rock quarry and second again it's a tautology just say quarry you don't need it's a non-governmental quarry this non-governmental NGO gonna give me a brain seizure we've left the city limits there's nothing out here but a Turkish quarry Okay, fine. So they go to the quarry, right? Fleming meets his contact and it's fucking Australian Johnny!

If any of you were asking... What about Australian Johnny? Here he is! Any scene he's not in, that's all. That's what about Australian Johnny. I love the way he gives us nothing in the entire fucking... And Australian Johnny turns up and says, hello hello I'm representing an anonymous buyer who is the real villain of the film. Yeah Patrick Stewart. Yeah Patrick Stewart. Or is it Elizabeth Banks? It could be.

It's Patrick Stewart. They're very heavily weighed up but it could be Elizabeth Banks at this point. I was fooled. I crispened potato snack the fuck out of this. I was fooled. I even made a note back here like Elizabeth Banks is obviously the villain of this film. I was fooled. She keeps doing evil shit in such a way that's like, it's not as Patrick Stewart. But anyway, Matt Hancock is like, yo, here's the device, the doohickey. And Australian John is like, oh, can you show us how it works? And he's like, no, I'm not going to kill someone. I would give you a non-COVID, but I'm not going to fucking like, not going to give someone a brain seizure at the rock quarry. They'll send me to German prison.

Turkish prison. Turkish German prison. Turkish German prison, incredible food. Getting thrown in Turkish German prison. Yo, this food about to be fired. Get a land out of Turkish German prison, just this food about to be fired. Get a land out of Turkish German prison just doing a crime immediately. German dinner prison. Trying to do your crime before lunch together.

So anyway they're like, ah fuck you then, run Hancock, and they shoot him in the head. Yeah, Hodak shoots him in the head and Australian Johnny says, nice work Mr. Hodak, thus promoting him to Mr. Surname. The series finally has one. We bring out a cheese board. He gives us nothing. This guy gets shot in the head and he goes, Whoa, no, that wasn't part of the plan. No. So the angels infiltrate the situation and Ella has to like hack the fucking mainframe or whatever.

But we know that she's fine being on her own, because one of the things that they did earlier was Elizabeth Banks kind of negged her feminously by being like, listen, we know everything about you. We know that you do Krav Maga three times a week and you would get more men if you like. Is that the thing that Worf does? Yeah, to do all those Worf crimes. Just do kickboxing like a normal person.

The thing is, Craft My God had very effective branding until it very much didn't. You know? Yeah, I still remember the Zach Sherwin song about it. Wow, that is nothing. No one's gonna get that. But carry on. Shit. Yeah, yeah, Craft My God, the Israeli martial art, did a great deal of training off of like, anyone can learn it. It's cool. You kick the shit out of people. Yeah, they teach it to American cops.

You kick the door in, you put two shots in the first person you see. Mm-hmm, yeah, absolutely. The rest of the clip in the next person you see. But yeah, so. Don't forget to kill the dog on the way out. But this is the time when Krav Maga was like epic. You're like, blow this up, man, just hit it.

So when she finally has to fight a guy, she's going like, Krav Maga, as she's Krav Maga-ing him Which I I don't know if they're encouraging Krav Maga, but if they do I think that probably hinders its efficiency quite a bit There is a really funny detail that I like which is that Christian Stewart gets to go round two with Australian Johnny Yeah, he's still hitting on her. Yeah, would you not? More if anything? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would like bear in mind We didn't mention this but the first thing that she did after having sort of like lightly bondaged him was go, you swiped right, I'm your girlfriend now and headbutt him.

If this happened to me, what am I? Yeah, of course I'm still gonna be flustering, obviously. Guys on his phone. Front row. Take him out. Play the sound effects. Our tech, we've given him a gunshot sound effect. It was a little quiet. We shouldn't have given him a gunshot sound effect. It was a lot quieter.

We shouldn't have given him the suppressor. I gave him a decaf gun. Decaffeinated this guy's Glock? Yeah. Sorry, I misheard that quite well. I would hate to have my glock decaffeinated. Especially if I were in Turkish jail and prison. I'm having a fucking brain season.

This is nothing. We're trying to make this movie interesting. Okay, so. Thank God. It's over. My next note says, man horribly rock crushed. Yeah, my next note is, no way they're putting the guy in the crusher. They do.

They crush a guy. They put a guy in... They had a fucking montage at the start that was like, girls. And then they shove a man in a rock crusher. I think women can do anything. It's just like, the tone goes from spy kids four to License to Kill. Like no one's business. Yeah, I remember you looking up beforehand which guy got rock crushed in License to Kill. I would like it to be right.

If we're putting on a record, I'd like you to note that I got it right the first fucking time. Yeah, I doubted you. Twink mode Benicio del Toro gets crushed in License to Kill in a rock crusher. I doubted you and I apologize. That's right. Doubouting November. Long and short of it is they get fucking owned. Yeah.

And Elizabeth Banks fucks off in a way that heavily implies that she's evil, right? Also someone says of her, I forget who, she was the first angel to be promoted to Bosley. Love it. What a sentence. She like made Bosley. Made Bosley.

So they get back to the safe house and Kristen Stewart's just like, what if Elizabeth Bosley is the bad Bosley? No, she can't be. She was the first angel to get promoted to Bosley. But also she keeps doing evil shit. Remember that scene where she walked outside of the safe house earlier

and met a mysterious person in a limousine? Do you remember that? We didn't mention it, but that happened. Do you remember that? It's kind of a Phyllis scene. Wouldn't pay much attention to it. It's almost invisible. Pretty much rendered invisible. And then the place blows up.

Yeah, again. The fucking Townsend agency do have... All women are getting blown up in convoluted betrayal. Women are getting blown up in convoluted betrayal. Women are getting blown up in convoluted betrayal. It's really true. It does be happening. And then in the fucking wreckage, the angels are like, oh, he just got blown up.

Elizabeth Banks turns up and is like, I'm here to rescue you. Patrick Stewart emerges and just puts two in her chest and kills her. And then it's like, she was evil, Bosley. Let's go, Ella. Da da da. Patrick Stewart away. Patrick Stewart and you.

I didn't know Patrick Stewart and you craved Magar. Yeah. But he grabs her and he's like... We're off to the end of the film now. Yeah, don't worry about it. So now Jane and Sabina, Kristen Stewart, have to like spend some quality time together. So now Jane and Sabina, Kristen Stewart, have to spend some quality time together. And Jane cries when she sees that Kristen Stewart's been shot.

It's really sweet. They're friends. I have to finish my character up. Yeah. I'm able to admit that I care about you now. The Kristen Stewart's like, cool. Yeah, it's like. Yeah.

They have a cry. And then Elizabeth Bosley shows up and they go, we thought you were evil, Bosley. And she's like, no, I'm not. And that's actually not good. And then she walks through the door and Kristen Stewart, who has been in a coma, leaps out of the hospital bed to fucking kill her.

And I'm like, yes! Futch, never underestimate Futch dipshit. That's... She is willing to do herself recuper like sort of recuperative wounds. I love it in the get up to saying that you just yelled the word fudge first before you got into actually this... Fudge dipshit. You got to fudge... Listen, I have some honest to God feelings about Kristen Stewart in this movie and I'll get to them.

Me too. Not the ones you expect. Okay, yes, those two. But like some some emotional ones. And it's going to be a big emotional moment. It's going to tie the show together. We'll build to that. It's a little contrived to build to your big emotional moments

like this. What can you do? Speaking of which, so we go and we, Patrick's doing. Fucking. I don't know how to link these things. I don't know how to go. So they go to Patrick Stewart's villain headquarters, right? Which I don't know where that is.

And then he gives Ella a selection of dresses. Because again, he suddenly is like, Patrick Stewart activates misogyny. He's like, he's a series of dresses. I'm actually evil. I'm Patrick Stewart. There's a nice touch here, which is that they're all kind of like the OG Charlie's Angels, like glittery short cleavage. He's like, yeah, why don't you dress up for me? He's like, what a martini.

Like, it's fun to see Patrick Stewart do like, you know, misogyny shit at this point, at this point, cause he's nice in real life is the point. So discount Crispin Glover turns up. He's like, hello, I've got Callista, Patrick Sears, like, excellent, my evil plan is coming together. And then what does the assassin do? Oh, he puts a gold collar on her. Woo!

Woo! You ever seen someone reinforcing an already ex-infidelsch? I think it's really unacceptable to debut like a sort of big BDSM style collar in your sort of entertainment product. I find it really like exploitative. And he also puts her in a leash. I mean, if anyone's got one of those,

we're hanging out for a bit selling merch and autographing stuff after the show. So, you know. Sign your leash, yeah. Confusing topographic. She has this fucking bizarre line where she says, did you steal that from your mum's closet? What else of hers do you play with?

And I'm like... I do a little cross dressing. Oh my God. It's kind of a weak line from Ella there. I'm like, what does that mean? It's a little transphobic, I guess. Meanwhile, the besties are in hospital, and they're talking about Batman movies. They're doing a digression about which Batman was best.

They're doing natural dialogue. Yeah, but the thing is, I take this from Archer, but not from this. Bullshit. And who even cares about a form of entertainment that's way longer than it should be, because people go on like stupid fucking referential digressions. So the history of Turkish Islamism. Thank you.

Yeah, the natural dialogue is really dog shit. They're just riffing, they're trying to prove that they have a relationship, but it feels so SNL, like there's no other way to describe it. So they have to go to Alexander Brock, I'm just going to name Elon Musk. And Ben Affleck's got a fine job as Batman, he was fine. The script wasn't good, but he did an okay guy. I don't know why Batman needed to be from Southie, but you know, whatever.

I'm just thrilled to be involved in the project. Yeah, so Alexander Brock comes into the room where Ella is being like collared. It's like, is this normal? Is this cool? I don't mean to kink shame, but like, and Patrick Stewart goes, shut the fuck up. This is no longer a sort of like jocular Elon Musk situation that we're doing here. I will kill you. He's like, I'm taking over the evil plan now.

I'm Patrick Stewart. I'm the villain of the film. And then they try and make Ella reprogram Callisto to recognize Patrick Stewart as its boss. And then like, if you don't, then we'll kill the guy from earlier that you will remember. The gummy bears. To Jane. The gummy bears guy. And I wanted Ella to just go to just go fuck is that just do the dining crazy thing of like yeah

kill him okay damn get his ass gonna kill a guy that who is nice to your co-worker one time and she kind of maybe when you weren't that and you didn't know about it yeah I don't know I like seeing Patrick Stewart having fun you get some real like you get some real like American dad like bullock vibes when he because he opens the door This guy falls out. He's like he's been in there the whole time The other thing is because this is a Sony movie they have Ridiculous product placement where for some reason this man is using a Sony Tablet and he picks it up and really clearly like shows the logo as he's putting it in his book

Yeah, no one's ever bought a Sony tablet So so they have some monologues and and he's like well, I think it's an eye something Listen you can't break an omelet without making a few eggs or whatever, but he fucks up He fluffs it. Yeah, imagine fluffing that line He fucks up. He fluffs it. Yeah, imagine fluffing that line. And she goes INTJ on his ass. She goes, if you want to bake a cake, you've got to break a few eggs.

It's omelette. If you're going to compare dead people to eggs, could you at least use the correct phrase? And this is the thing, any time the movie needs a woman to be smart, they can only write her like Lisa Simpson. Yeah. Yeah, because they think that smart means pedantic. Yes. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it actually means, like, close to... LAUGHTER

CHEERING I love that... I love that that was so natural coming from me that you didn't, like, get it for a second. You're like, oh, yeah, of course she's correcting me again. This is normal for me. Nice, nice, nice. Just take me out right here, right between the eyes. Thank you.

But downstairs Alexander Brook is having a party. My notes have just become feral here because they're infiltrating the party. My notes just say amazing sequined dress shorts fit on Christian Stewart. They do a synchronized dance which doesn't work in a realistic film. True. Because when did you rehearse that? They walk out and I was, my only note is just like, hang on, I haven't found it.

God, yeah, walking into the function with your best friends looking cunty as fuck. Quite fun. It's been great fun every time. And the thing is, the reason they know to infiltrate the thing is because Elizabeth Bosley made John Bosley drink the fucking tracking juice. He's radioactive as fuck right now, by the way He's emitting some fucking particles. Also, I really appreciate the like he's trying to take over the world at 85. Yeah

Retire what he retired to start with it's just like I have fucking sick of retirement. I'm gonna do this again Yeah, absolutely. So they set this thing up so that the device is gonna detonate It's gonna brain seizure gummy bears guy and Ella. Yes. Oh, no, not him. Yeah No idea what that guy's fucking name is. I'm so attached to his name And Patrick Stewart calls her a good girl on the way out because of course he does I kind of appreciate that he's making the misogyny he's like fetishistic and you know. And he kind of leaves Elon Musk with it and he goes,

the world is on fire, but I'm sure your generation is gonna figure it out. And he gives him a thumbs up on the way out. That's a special motivation than anything he's had going on in the script so far. That's such a funny fucking one. There's like five years of climate left. I'm gonna get my retirement.

The rest of you have fun. Because Alexander Brock's like, whoa, I'm not fucking comfortable with this. It's gonna be like, it's gonna kill us. And he's like, no, no, no, it's gonna kill them. You and me, let's go downstairs. You're gonna be rich. I'm gonna take over the world.

No one's gonna know about these fuckers. Enjoy, Sunny Jim, or I'll fucking kill you Be an evil bastard, he's a great actor. Yeah. Hmm. So they have to they have to fight hodak. Mr Hodak now. Yes, and my notes here say so what Jane does the thing of like I've worked out all your moves from having had my Ass beat by you previously and then yeah... Yeah, cope first of all. She's got a line like, you thought you beat me twice but I was learning. Yeah, yeah, she's like, you've got three moves, light attack, heavy attack, grapple. She literally says you have like nine moves or whatever.

And then my notes say she does him hot fuzz model village style. For real. He gets like flipped off a balcony and impaled on an ice sculpture like Timothy Dalton. It fucking rules. Bringing out a lovely Brie? What is the tone of this movie? What is the tone of this movie that like you fully have like a guy impaled? With blood! Like, yeah, yeah.

Remember when we started with like, women. They're half of people. And now it's like, death. Women can do anything. I believe that women are capable of anything. I also want to highlight something here. Including murder. Yeah.

And a lovely cheese board. You want to highlight something? Oh, shit. That got heard. No. I let that go by the wayside. I thought that was heard. No. I let that go by the wayside. I thought that was gone.

Um, uh, no. Yeah, yeah, I do. There's a bit, Patrick Stewart refers to this and he says, my former colleagues in law enforcement. And I'm like, you weren't in law enforcement. No, you were just a guy. You were in a clandestine NGO. Yeah, clandestine. Was Yeah, a clandestine...

Was it a governmental or a non-governmental? It was a non-governmental NGO organization. Uh-huh. Don't clap that. They rescue her, right? I appreciate that Kristen Stewart's character approves of the collar when she sees it. She like sees this massive gold collar and she's like, oh damn. There's also a funny moment where they go like, oh, are you in danger?

Like Kalista is going to give you brain cheese. She's like, no, I just programmed it to light up and make a noise, which I thought, oh, cool. It's quite good. Yeah. The thing is, right, you may be wondering at this point, you may be asking yourself, what about Australian Johnny? For the love of God, I hope he's in the movie still. The thing is, right, Australian Johnny, he's like behooved to Patrick Stewart.

He's Patrick Stewart's guy. But... He might even say... What might I say? He's number one! Gun, gun, gun, gun. Thank you. But yeah, so Australian Johnny though, Australian Johnny is a morally complex character. He's been starting his arc towards good from the start when he got his ass kicked by Kristen Stewart and got hornier than he was at the start.

My arc to good as well. If I got head-butted by Kristen Stewart, it would make me a good person probably. I think we should find out. I mean, it wouldn't hurt. Well well it would, but it wouldn't... That's sort of the idea, very very strongly the idea. Yeah. But yeah, so Patrick Stewart doesn't realise that Australian Johnny, his ally, is actually maybe betraying him. And so he...

My steadfast ally, Australian Johnny. Yeah, I mean, he set this up, but I guess he met him for the first time in the... What about Australian Johnny. Yeah, I mean, he said he set this up, but I guess he met him for the first time in the What about Australian Johnny? sign scene. So you know, not a long lived friendship, I would say. But yeah, so he's like, he corners girl Bosley. He's like threatening her. Kicks her ass.

Yeah, you want to see like an 85 year old man kick someone's ass. Patrick Stewart beats the shit out of his little business. She comes up behind him, puts a gun to his head and she's like, did you think you'd killed me? And his line I do like is like, you know what, Rebecca? I really did. No. No. No.

And then judo throws her in the fucking, look. Stop coming up behind people. They always judo throw you. At least she doesn't do the accent. Yeah. But yeah, so it's very reductive because he's like, you're outmanned. Men are actually better than women. Yeah, because all the men at the party are the goons with Australian Johnny.

Should maybe make America great again. I don't know. Quick question, boys. Who run the world? Women be running the world. Girls. I think women can do anything. Don't shoot me for that.

It was International Women's Day yesterday. You shoot me internationally on International Women's Day? I guess you have to shoot me. Yeah, so what happens is that they send the love, which is the code phrase for doing the ending of Spy Kids 4 again. Because every woman at the party is one of Charlie's angels. All women are angels, Anakin. And they're so fucking proud of themselves for this one.

Every woman in the party knocks every man unconscious and they're like, yeah, this is feminism This is what it fucking is Ella is looking at each one in turn and you see them and you get a flashback to a point Previously when they were in the movie and you go wow, they were Women in the whole movie. Yeah I'm sorry. I didn't clock all of them. I was clocking a few of them, to be honest. Do they let... I actually quite liked this. I thought it was quite funny.

That's fine. Do they let trans women be in Charlie's Angels? Hold that thought! I'm gonna need to see the Townsend agency's DEI policy. Hold that thought. We'll get there. We'll get there. But firstly, Patrick Stewart having been defeated is like, you defeated me. At this point, the base showed up. Yes, he did. He's like, Oh, you've defeated me. But I should have been in charge of this agency.

And Christian Stewart just punches him in the face, which I really liked. That was really good. She cuts off his monologue. It's fun. And at this point, Christian Stewart turns to Ella, who I remind you is wearing a collar. Woof, woof. Christian Stewart turns to a woman wearing a collar and says, we're recruiting you.

And my notes say, yes! No! No! Woof! Mm. Yeah, mine too. Starting with the headbutt thing, probably. It is very funny to take out the big bad guy Yeah, mine too. Starting with the headbutt thing, probably.

It is very funny to take out the big bad guy mid-speech. It only brings up flashbacks of, you did this to me one time in D&D. Yeah. Like, I fully had a whole speech. It's a lucky roll. What do you want from me? If you give me the spell slot, I'll use it, all right? This is a promise.

And in the final debrief with Charlie, we see on the other end of the intercom that Charlie is now a woman using voice software to make her sound like a man. Yeah, sort of the same thing that I'm gonna claim that I do on all the recordings. I got one out here, you know? Does your microphone have one of those?

I mean, clearly must do. Yeah, that's why we need to get the new mixer. Fuckin' sell it. Oh, that's quite clever actually. So, wait, wait, wait, hold on a second. Damn, that's crazy. Just doing the voice, be like, hang on, there's something wrong.

Did new Charlie promote through the ranks as well? Yeah. Yeah, Charlie died. Real talk, Charlie died because he was in Vietnam, so he's old as piss by 2019. Yeah, for sure. Like, he went out and they replaced him with, I guess, another Bosley. It's all women at this point. No, because Elizabeth Bosley was the first Bosley to be promoted to Bosley.

Yes. So this means that Charlie must to be promoted to Bosley. Yes. So this means that Charlie must have been promoted direct Angel Charlie. Wow. It's Kelley Garret. The first ever Bosley to be promoted to Charlie. And that's actually what Patrick Stewart is upset about, is he wanted to be the first Bosley promoted to Charlie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, I wanted to take credit for women's work. I'm going to have a brain seizure. At this point, we have a really perfunctory kind of romance between Jane and Gummy Bear's boy who does the light phosphorus, is my favorite chemical thing. Loser. At this point, we have a really perfunctory kind of romance between Jane and Gummy Bear's boy, who does the light phosphorus, it's my favorite chemical thing. Loser. It's fucking dipshit. It's a shit chemical. Shit chemical for cunts.

And then we end the movie, except we don't, right? Because if you remember the previous two movies, they had the fun mid-credit scene with outtakes and stuff. What if we did that in a way that wasn't fun? Mm. And so we get mid-credit scene of Ella learning to be Charlie's Angels, right? OK, I will say- This is the moment she truly became

Charlie's Angels in 2012. What they have successfully done, though, is that we understand, you know, did you just say joke? Yeah. They've managed to put all of that just in the end credits because every one of these scenes is just like someone saying a funny line, you know, was being like, oh, that was funny. There is, there is trans representation at this point because Laverne Cox. One of her instructors is Laverne Cox. Laverne Cox and make credit scene. Hey! Which fucking can? You annihilated my brain.

Because you may remember from earlier on, where's the one about like, if you're pretty, you're pretty... Oh, it's this one. Pretty much rendered invisible. You can get the whole one. Yeah, if you're beautiful, nothing else is really expected of you. If you're not, you're pretty much rendered invisible. How clucky do you have to be before you fail out of Charlie's Angels?

LAUGHTER I mean, they wouldn't actually tell me, they just said I wasn't a culture fit. LAUGHTER But I think you can draw some inferences. I got to the second round, but unfortunately it was an inbox management task. LAUGHTER I actually got through to the final round, but unfortunately it was an inbox management task. I actually got through to the final round, but then they rewrote it and gave it to Caitlin Devere.

There is a judo scene, right? And the instructor in the course of one line brings more dyke to this movie than Kristen Stewart is allowed to in two hours, because she's got to fight this woman and she's like Hands up. No fear. Fight through the pain. Focus. Try to last 90 seconds this time. I'm on anti-androgens lady, it's a battle, alright? Please. And if you had a question, that music is playing every scene in the credits. I just, I just, uh...

Think about women. Didn't get to use that one. And then the final insult, which is, they are... Yeah, there's some of you who've done the homework. They're skydiving. They're skydiving, and Elizabeth Banks is like, This is the final test, they're skydiving and Elizabeth Banks is like, this is the final test of skydiving. When Ruth Bader Ginsburg did this in 1999.

Oh boy. She was the first angel to make the Supreme Court. This joke has aged very, very badly. Do you remember the time Ruth Bader Ginsburg officiated a wedding and then died? Yeah. She was the first angel to be promoted to overturning Roe v Wade.

Is Amy Coney Barrett also in Johnny's Angels? Too clocky. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. We are allowed to make that joke. To be fair, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was clocky as fuck. I'm not answering you, I'm not dignifying that with a response.

There is one final actual post-credit scene, right? Which is some action. Oh shit, I didn't know this. Yeah, no, I didn't. Jesus, did you not? Okay, negligent. No. Right, so they like- The credits are when the movie stops.

They like finally, she graduates Charlie's Angels Academy, Charlie's Angels selection, and they give she graduates Charlie's Angels Academy Charlie's Angels selection and they give her the Charlie's Angels tattoo and some slight lesbian moment here because she's like I don't think that hurts as much it's very sweet very sweet also when Kristen Stewart says like ass in the chair to her when she's about to tattoo her and yeah that that's the movie she becomes Charlie's Angel that's the moment, she becomes Charlie's angel. That's the moment that she becomes Charlie's angel. And they really, really, really hoped this

to be a whole new franchise. In a way, I'm sad that it was. It reminds me a lot of the Henry Cavill man from Uncle. And it's like, it's kind of a bit of a whiff, but it's just some good bits. And I'm like, okay, make me like 9 million more of these. Yeah, yeah. They could have worked it out over the next two movies

and like had a good one, you know? Box office is not a good metric for what movies should be made, it should be about what I like. Yeah. And the thing is- They should ask us. This is a very cynical movie, but like in the sense of-

It can be manufactured in pastel colors for the ladies. But, but, but, and I'm saying this is sort of like emotional thing here, right? Oh my God. Yeah, walking, but, and I'm saying this is sort of like emotional thing here, right? Oh my God. Yeah, walking around to get real with you. So you've passed a moment, right? Yeah.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! This, uh... Let's rap, speak on it, sister. Oh! You know who else had angels? Let's wrap. Speak on it, sister.

You know who else had angels? Bae showed up. This wasn't my original choice of outfit for this. And if you've seen my other two, it's from like your mom on a night out, like dresses, right? Because that was what I thought the assignment was. And this movie and the previous two movies, watching the kind of like, the most butch as a woman is allowed to be before people get scared, counter increment, I actually, I sort of internalized a little bit of girl boss feminism from this movie and I'm like, I'm actually going to wear

something that kind of makes me feel comfortable and reflects who I am and isn't a size 18 dress that I can't quite fit into. And so that's why you get this with the this and the this. So just for the listeners, I'm wearing a collar and some kind of chain arrangement and a bra. Yeah, it's great. It's fucking sick. This movie accidentally tricked me into doing feminism for the first time in my life. We've been trying to avoid it all this fucking time. Yeah, exactly. And we finally did some. So in a way, in a sort of culminative way, this is the most feminist movie of all.

That's right. And that's Charlie's Angels, brackets 2019. But we don't have to just guess at things like this. No, we do not. We have a scientific system. Really? For figuring out how good a movie is. Lives over here somewhere.

Lives over there? Wow, we're actually doing the whole thing from here. OK. I came out here to survive. No, we should. We should. Keep it up. Lives over here somewhere. Lives over there? Wow. We're actually doing the whole thing from here, okay. I came out here for vibes. No, no, we should, we should. Keep it up. For vibes, yeah. It's called the Scum Spectrum. Stance of Smog? Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump a photo of this, I might make it my profile image for the rest of the year.

Oh, yeah. Fully. Because look at us. Oh, my God. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my audience. I like my text as well.

Yeah. Those guys. Beautiful. Wow. Oh, God. That's a lot of phones. It stands for Smaam, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. How smaamy is this movie and why is the answer 15?

It's very pleased with itself. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I believe we're in a cable of everything. You get two points for Ruth Bader Ginsburg alone. Writing the line, did you know it takes men an additional seven seconds to perceive a woman as a threat compared to a man? I fear it might be.

I mean, we gave the first one six. I think it's worse than the first one. It's like a seven or eight. I would say it's a seven. Seven. Yeah. All right, seven. Cultural insensitivity.

I mean, it doesn't slander the people of Mongolia. What island? No one wears blackface or brownface. No one peels off LL Cool J's head. The Irish are relatively unmolested. LAUGHTER I mean... I guess they'd run out, because as we said,

they only hit each race once. Maybe they just run out. Is it offensive to Germans? German prison? I know. I don't care. I've been paying some attention to Germany geopolitically recently. I don't care if I... It's a bit offensive to Turks, I guess.

Yeah, I guess. I would give it a couple of points for that. Doing the kind of like homeland protagonist scarf. Two points, two points maybe? Two, yeah, two. A remarkable climb down. Remarkably unracist for a piece of feminism as dated as this is, I would say.

Unprovoked violence. What, they do murder Ralph. Yeah, as a comic bit. And then they all tell her not to worry about it. Psychos. I cannot stress this enough. Like, she kills a man and they all go, that's fine. That happens literally all the time.

The guy gets rock crushed. He gets rock crushed the fuck out of him. I respect the fuck out of the rock crusher guy though. I will say this though, because he's in there, Kristen Stewart is in there, and he is not attempting to get out himself at all. He's only trying to pull her back in He's like trans Twitter. He's like We actually have an award for henchmen that go above and beyond And you can't buy them anymore we're out of them really

We do, we do. And you can't buy them anymore, we're out of them. Really? Jesus, wow. We're done, you bought those. Buy the fucking pin pack too, they're pretty good, they're still fine. You can buy some other unrelated pins. I've got a lot of them in my house and I want to get rid of them. Kronstein awarded posthumously with a lovely camembert on the side. To that man.

To Rock Crusher Man, yes. Rock Crusher Goon. Three? Four? Four. Cause the guns, you know? Like, Ella Balinska fully firing a gun at a guy. It's like, what's the tone of this movie? And finally, misogyny. What's the tone of this live show?

Why am I out here? I was getting real. Who are these people? Pull off my mask. Hello, cool J. That was all I was going to go for. Amazing. This is the real adventure.

Misogyny. I think we have to take some points off for the feminists. Do we? Is attempted feminism... Successful, as you've just said, and you'll be real moment. Fuck! Fuck! Goddamn! Shit! Well, facts and logic, I guess. I like that it does, you know, bring up the fact that there was an abortion clinic,

and the British state blew one up. Yes, it's responding to like Trump 2019-ism and like the grab them by the pussy misogyny of that time. But like that's a thing worth fucking responding to. Like, yeah, it deserves better than this though, surely. It does, but like still it's a major Hollywood film with a big IP, like trying to be somewhat feminist and like, albeit in a lib way.

If we're being functional about it, if we're being functional about it, it didn't work. Box office was terrible. Women hated this movie. Yeah, women wanted Barbie, I guess. Which, fuck, maybe we don't deserve rights. Yeah, I guess Barbie speaks to the more kind of like Chantelle move populist feminism thing,

whereas this is still kind of like lib feminist discourse of like rights and shit. Just so, yeah. So, I knew all those words, right? So, three? Just because I dress like this doesn't mean I can't like bring citations. OK. And that's feminism. Is that what it is? Three, four, three, three, three.

This is this quick maths. Alright. With a fountain pen that's running out. That gives us a total score of, oh dear. Oh boy. I'm afraid it's 16, which is actually worse than last night's. Correct? Yes!

Oh my God! Accurate! I feel that's hard, but it is a scientific system. I can't retract it. It's a scientific system. They never should have done this. They should have made like four more of the original ones. You know?

What are we doing here? What's the situation? I don't know what to do now. Because we finished the thing that we do for the podcast. We have? Would you like to hang out? What are you doing later? Yeah, you guys good?

It's like a time zone. Shit, can we get the house lights up? See the boys. Do we want to take a selfie with them? What? You don't get to know. Not yet. Okay.

That's a secret. That's a secret. Oh, God damn it. Fine. All right. The next season of Kill James Bond. As a preview of coming attractions, coming soon to a podcast near you, it's called Robbery Season. She's done it.

We're going to watch every heist movie. All of them. We're going to watch Heat. We're going to watch Heat. We're going to watch the taking of Pelham 123. We're going to watch Dog Day Afternoon. Oceans and then the oceans brackets women. Yes. We can do all the oceans, baby.

Be gay, do crimes. We've killed James Bond. In the meantime, however, Be gay! Two crimes. That's right. We've killed James Bond! In the meantime, however, thank you so much for coming. There will be merch available outside. We will be hanging out afterwards, because this is our final live show for a hot minute. Thank you so much for coming. We have been killed James Bond.

Good night. Good night. Good night.