Kill James Bond! - S3E23: Thunderball with No Notes

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

Get your live show tickets at https://Killjamesbond.com/live! ----- This week we're taking another trip down memory lane as we attempt November's original concept for season two- Attempting to recall the Bond movies entirely based on having seen and discussed them several years ago. This week, we are forced to derive Thunderball from first principles. ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to hit their gofundme for passage out of Rafah whenever the crossing reopens. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. While the crossing might be closed, the situation is changing by the day and being able to afford passage out when a crossing reopens is an immense comfort. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

What's up, faggots? It's me, Sarkiestarber. I just fucking spit take my Captain Morgan spiced golden cola all over my fucking mixer. I know. It's me, Sarkiestarber. New government. Who dis? Now, look, now that I'm prime minister of the United Kingdom, I've got to say a lot of shit got said in the run up to the election, including by members of my party. So I have been advised to try to reconnect with the LGBTQ community. And that's why I'll be attending a special event in London. And you could get tickets

to that event too, if you go to killjamesbond.com slash live, where these three gay people will be recounting my favourite trilogy of films, Johnny English, on the dates, what date? Ninth to the 11th of August, 2020. Ninth to the 11th of August. So I'll see you there and we'll have a gay old time pun intended November hit it F**k off out of my room, Kieran! Don't come back! It's weird for him to show up. Was he invading women's spaces just then?

Sorry, just Keir Starmer's in my room. Hi everyone, did I miss the podcast opening? Oh no, nothing important happened. Okay. Your roommate, Keir Starmer, just came in for a second, but like, it's fine. Yeah, yeah. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond! Oh my god. It's November, it's Abbey, and it's Devon, and we are once again poised at the ending

of one season and the beginning of another. We're a bit killing time for a bit, we're waiting for a painting to get done. The old season is dying, the new struggles to be brought in now is the time of Thunderball with no note. ALICE That's right. Yeah, we're waiting for a painting to be done so that we can heist it, but in the meantime we are gonna do another installment of my original deranged plan for the show when we ran out of Bond movies, which was to just redo the episode without having

watched them again in the meantime. ALICE I've got to struggle. ZACH I gotta tell you this for free. Dr. No was a miraculous feat of memory. Whatever the hell happened in From Russia With Love, feat of memory. There was... What the fuck was the third one? Goldfinger?

This is the fourth one, right? And I gotta tell you, holy shit, I do not remember anything that happens in this fucking movie. ALICE This is exactly what I was trying to do, but the thing is, I had too much faith in us, because we'd been spacing them out, I thought it would take us into the Moors before we got into, like, this level of not remembering this. But no. We barely, like, we're halfway through the Connerys, at this point. I think I remember the opening of this one.

Yeah, it's the guy, they steal the fucking plane, right? Like, the, um... What? No they don't. Just the fuck is it? No, you've skipped ahead already, right? No, no. The opening of this is, we see a a coffin and it has JB written on it.

Oh my god. Is that this one? That's this one. Yeah, that's this one. We thought that was from Russia with Love, fuck. No, no, no, no. It has JB on it. We pan up. Bond is with a girl and she says, JB, that's like James Bond. It's good thing you're not dead. And he's like, he's like, it's fucking, he's Inspector. I can't remember his name, but he's with them. Yeah. He's Jack Bouvier, I want't remember his name, but he's with them. He's Jacques Bouvier, I wanna say?

Something like that? Alright, something. That is it. Incredible pull. Jesus. And there's a widow who's like, wearing a veil, she's all veiled up. She's veiled veiled, she's veil maxing. Yeah, she's veiled.

She's in her widowed era, and she gets into her car and like, Connery clocks the way she opens the door or something? Yeah. Yeah, he clocks her in some manner, because he invades female-only spaces, brackets a woman's bedroom. Mm-hmm. Yeah, when she gets back to her mansion, he's there. And he like, full force, like, cold cocks her.

That's a man! Man! Yeah! he, like, full force, like, cold cocks her. Yeah. That's a man, man. Yeah, he says, I just wanna offer my condolences, and then like, punches her right in the face. Terrible way of offering your condolences. What the fuck, don't do that! It's all he knows how to do, it's a shame, he's raised like this. Because it turns out that is Jacques Bouvier, Spectre agent, and he's in disguise as his own widow, he faked his death in order to escape James Bond, I guess they have him.

ALICE It's genuinely the funniest thing you could possibly do. SONIA They have a fight, does Bond kill him with a fire poker? I wanna say he kills him with a fire poker. ALICE Or he, like, bundles him into a fireplace? SONIA Yeah, it involves fire, and fire tools. ALICE But, like, his goons come in and Bond has to like, flee to a nearby rooftop where he has

staged, I believe, his second jetpack of the first... First. Is this the first? First jetpack. This is the one, the real one, the one that really works. Yeah, and they were like, this is real, by the way, like, the army gave us this jetpack. And he lifts off... It looks shit. They like, the army gave us this jetpack. ALICE He lifts off. RILEY It looks... shit.

ALICE They, like, shoot at him, he flies about 20 feet, lands by the side of a road where his, like, sexy French contact is waiting by the car, and he's like... RILEY In the DB5. ALICE Yeah. RILEY It's the Aston Martin, and it's got all the shit in it. ALICE Oh, it's James Bond's car!

RILEY It's like, wow, it's James Bond's car, and it's got the fucking slick, and it's got the fuckin' slick, and it's got the windscreen. It does not have the oil slick, it has the WATER slick! You're right, it pumps out a frankly remarkable amount of water for the... Where were they keeping that? Which also would make the car very heavy. Also what car can't just drive across water, as well, is my question.

Yeah, cause it uses it against the goons. No, he sprays it on the men! Oh. So now you're wet. I don't see why the oil slick wouldn't work in that situation. Yeah. If I got covered in oil, if I got, like, oiled, I'd be at least inconvenienced, whereas if I got wet... functionally what he's done is he's gotten sprayed by a bus that's driven too close to the curb, and every single one of those goons is like, oh fuck, I actually can't shoot at him now.

ALICE Well, so, I'm not sure whether this says more about the forethought of the makers of the jetpack or the makers of the Aston Martin DB5, but it's remarkable that the jetpack- he takes the jetpack off, I remember, and puts it in the boot, and I'm like, it's a very good boot that can fit a jetpack in it. Especially on a sports car. ALICE Yeah, and they used to measure that with a set of golf clubs, but now it's like a set of golf clubs AND a jetpack, y'know? RILEY So now, from the water, we then go into the

title sequence, which is the Tom Jones song. ALICE The one that almost killed him A for like fifteen minutes or whatever. ZACH Just trying to do Goldfinger again with Tom Jones, and they also attempt to kill him by making him hold the note. ALICE He was a man, as well as me. ZACH And this is the point where you start going, oh that's a lot of underwater photography you're putting towards me, Mr. Movie, I don't know how excited I am about the underwater.

ALICE Do you remember when we saw the OSS film that had a lot of underwater photography was way worse? I remember Thunderball favorably compared to that first OSS song we saw. RILEY Yeah. Well this is the thing, we always said in our analysis we have to be careful to not let it drift, like, drift, right? It was bad. It was bad as shit. It was awful. It was very very boring, and it was half the movie.

ALICE And like, at this point, I know what must happen given the plot of the film, but I cannot remember it. ALICE Is this the one where Bond is at the health retreat? ALICE Not yet, cause I'm also getting confused with fuckin' Never Gonna Say Never Again, which was a remake of Thunderbolt. But there must be a plane that is stolen, because I remember a plane landing on the water and sinking. The pilot is French, French pilot, he comes home with a sexy woman, or whatever, and then

she gets the door, and it's a guy... Average thing for a French guy to do. Yeah, and it's a guy who looks exactly like him and is dressed like him, and he's like, oh fuck, and then he gets killed. Yes. Yes. The double. The double.

And then that double goes to the airbase, and is like, hey, I'm that French guy, didn't just get killed. I'm the guy, yeah. Yeah. Hey, I'm alive, my hyoid is fine, I'm feeling good about myself. And he gets in the special plane. Yes. Which has a nuclear bomb in it, a testier plane.

The Project Thunderball or whatever. Yeah. He presses the button that gives him the gas. He puts the gas in the ventilation system, it gases everyone else on the plane. Flies the plane to the Caribbean. Where there is a sort of underwater landing strip laid out, and he like, perfectly lands it on the water and sinks it, and is then waiting for the divers, which he was standing by, to come and rescue him, except they don't rescue him, they like, rescue him to a permanent afterlife.

RILEY Yeah, his like, fucking belt doesn't move or some shit, and they just look at him and go, yeah, best of, mate. Thanks for the bomb. Abi's expression whenever I remember something that she doesn't is just like, uh, really really fulfilling. Cause he gets given like a... he gets given an envelope full of money and he puts it in his top pocket, and it's Largo! Largo is the one who dives down and leads the team.

Oh shit, okay, yeah. And then like, leaves him to die. Cuts his air hose. I genuinely, I respect the shit out of a guy that's willing to lead from the front like that. Emilio Lago is fucking done, to be honest. And the boat is the disco of Alante. Yes.

The flying saucer. This must surely be the point where we cut to Bond and he must get an end briefing scene. Oh yeah, now this is one of the earlier, Bond, you stupid piece of shit, I hate you, I hope you're a strangler, I wish you were strangled as a baby, I wish you came out of the umbilical cord wrapped around your throat and just hung out of the pussy or some shit. No. But unfortunately that didn't happen to you, Bond, so instead you have to go on a health retreat because your back hurts or whatever.

Is it that one? No, that's Never Say Never Again. It's the same, isn't it? It's not, they're two different films. But no, he has to go to the health retreat, because the health retreat is where the fucking pilot was staying when he got, like, body double swaps. Because he has to be in the Wiggler! Yes!

Yeah, no, this is the Wigglin' one. Yes! Is this good to listen to? I don't know, I don't know. It's not important. This is the fastest I've ever been like, is this entertaining? No? I don't know. I don't know. It's not important. This is the fastest I've ever been like, is this entertaining? No.

It doesn't matter. You're right, he must be at the health bar. No, he gets wiggled. Yes. Because he sees the pilot before he goes to the base. This is the thing. I think this is entertaining. Because if nothing else is entertaining me seeing both of you lock the fuck in to be

like, no, he has to get wiggled. This is the one where he gets wiggled. No, he gets to be like, no he has to get wiggled. This is the one where he gets wiggled. No, he gets fucking wiggled. I know he gets wiggled. And I know he fucking blackmails one of the nurses into having sex with him. In a steam room. In false pretenses. Not just the sex with him, but sex with him with the like, weird beaver fur glove or whatever the fuck.

Yes, he has a mink fur glove. They got the mink glove. He gets a handjob with a mink fur glove, or whatever the fuck. Yes, he has a mink fur glove! They got the mink glove. He gets a handjob with a mink fur glove. This is the funniest shit ever, cause like, I remember after we did that episode, me and you November were at a D&D night just looking at mink gloves that you can buy online. You can fully buy one inspired by Thunderball. Just being like, how is this good? Is this good?

I don't know, I didn't buy one, and I've never... Yes. No, I don't know. I don't know what it's like to get my shit jelked to a permanent end with a mink glove. Maybe it's good! It's a business expense! It's not a business expense. You can report back.

What if it changes your fucking life? What if you come out of it with like a different opinion about some things? What things? The only opinion I've got that would be relevant is I don't think it'd be good to get my shit honked with a mink glove. Yeah, what if you're wrong? And that, to be fair, that is the main opinion that would change if it was good. What if you came back next episode after having gotten your shit honked off with a mink glove, and you're just like, boys, that was astounding, I'm gonna reconfigure my life to get as much of my remaining time

on earth to be getting jerked off with a mink glove. RILEY It's like flying business class, you can't jerk off normal again. Is that what happens in business class? ALICE Hold on a- you can't fly normal style because you flew business class one time? What do you get your shit jerked off with a mink glove? That's what they say, is that if you fly business class you then can't fly economy again because

it sucks so bad, you'll be like, ah man this is so- What are the dumbest things I've ever fucking heard? What if you don't have any money for it? No, you are allowed to of course, but you don't want to because you realise how much it sucks in comparison, I'm told. I view flying in a plane as very much the thing you have to do to get to the place. Like, I just endure for as long as the plane is up in the air. If someone wants to give me, like, the ten thousand dollars for like an hour flight in

first class or whatever, then I'm not gonna turn them down. Presumably I'm up there getting my, like, shit jelked with a mink fur glove, but like, I don't... I'm not... I'm gonna have to double check what jelked means. Jelking is when you try and lengthen the penis by hanging a weight from it. Oh it is, okay. I guess that's just jacking off but gripping much harder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm straight jelking it, and by jelking it I mean I need to go A&E. I don't think a mink fur glove is that much weight to suspend from your penis is the thing. It's probably not, like, great feeling. Depends on the size of the mink. The other thing about mink is they're very good carriers of Covid. It's the shit that Blofeld says to Bond Inspector when he has him tied to that chair. I wouldn't consider a mink fur glove to be a lot of ways suspended from your penis, Jane

Furrier. But as you'll see, it's gonna be quite stimulating. Mr. Settle, you're about to be jelked with a mink cloth. I'm imagining like you're trying to enlengthen like a sausage of plastocene or something. Just like rolling it out. Just smashing my penis flat with a rolling pin in order to achieve maximum cross-sectional area. I don't know about cross-sectional area, I think it's length that they're going for

here. Uh huh. Which I guess volume doesn't change at that point, cause you've only got a certain amount of like, squamous material in there. This would be very very long but thin. Bond says all of this to a nurse, and this nurse is like, what? The nurse is like, oh I better have sex with you then I guess. This, take it like a breadstick, very long, thin.

Yeah. He gets wiggled. Aye, James you fucking pencil dick, I wish you were dead. He gets wiggled! Someone has to wiggle this guy! He's in the wiggler, insanely narrow dick flying back and forth like a peperami in the wind. He's just fucking...

He's got his dick strapped down to the wiggler, like a sort of medieval torture rack, but with like, five different pulleys instead of four. And instead a big bloke walks in, I don't think this is the one that looks like an insanely mu- yeah this is Count Lippi, but I don't know if it's the one that's muscular or the one that's normal style. Normal style. Muscular one was Never Say Never Again, yeah, because he looks like fuckin' Piano Valle

in Never Say Never Again. Yes! Well done. Yeah, because he looks like fuckin' Piano Veli in Never Say Never Again. Yes! Well done. Okay, beautiful. Right, yeah, so Count Lippy comes in and goes, that's a nice dick, it'd be a shame if it got wiggled. He sets the wiggler setting to maximum. And Bond is saved by the nurse that he then rapes.

Yeah. Yeah yeah. I think he even explicitly blackmails her into sex, because he's like, he would get in trouble if it came out that I had been wiggled. NICOLAS And they have sex in the steam room, which I feel like, that's kinda dangerous, and it's probably gonna be really sexy for like twenty seconds, and then you're gonna be like, you know what, no. ALICE Leaving the mink glove in the steam room, and it just achieves a kind of

indescribable texture Like swells up. Yes. How do you think they make the the Division of Guards hat? Some mink glove leaving the steam room. That's why it's so tall They've jumped their entire head off to fit into that thing They've joked their entire head off to fit into that thing. ALICE Talking about this does make me reflect that the Austin Powers movies were right to talk about how fucking insane a lot of the sex stuff and the Connery bonds were. Like, Penis Pump is not a far cry from, like, Mink Glove and a Steam Rump.

RILEY I only mean this semi-ironically. Like, had they only just figured out how to have sex in like, the 60s or whatever. I think it was the time when, like... They got really good at it in the 70s. Humanity as a species was figuring out how to get a bit kinky with it, because the 50s was all missionary with the lights off, and the 60s was like, oh fuck, we can do other stuff.

And then they kind of got a bit weirder with it as the decade went on, and they were like, fuck it, I dunno, maybe we could... I think that's when they invented the Sibian things of this nature. So yeah. So at this point presumably he must get called in to MI6 to be brief, because I remember a shot of all the double O's sitting in a semicircle and one of them's a woman. No no no no, before this, before this. Hold on.

He gets his revenge on Lippy, because Lippy's in the fucking steam bath that looks like R2-D2, or whatever, like, it's just... the two doors. ALICE Yes. The Davros bath. RILEY Yeah. Yeah, and he puts a, I dunno, a broom through that and turns it to maximum. Presumably broiling my boys' shit completely.

ALICE Yeah. He gets poached. ALICE Yeah, he steams his ass, but he also goes through Lippy's room as well. Which I think is where he gets the clue to next location, the only thing I remember from this is that he grabs a grape off of a fruit bowl outside, and it's like, oh, check this guy out, he's like suave and deaf and next, he eats a grape or whatever. I'm remembering Never Say Never again, I'm fuckin' lost, boys. What happens next?

Um... Oh, boys. What happens next? Um... Oh, Jesus. Okay, so the thing's been stolen, Bond's gone to the place and he's found out. Oh, they take him to the navy! Yeah, this is the first time we see Bond in, like, a navy uniform, at this point. Oh yeah. Cause they bring him to the fuckin' Air Force, or whatever, and they're like, Commander Bond, we've lost our shit, like, it's not good.

Commander Bond, we've fucked up majorly. Our nuke has gone- Abby is absolutely struggling to remember any of this right now. I don't remember fucking any of this! Wha- wha- what?! This is a scene that I don't remember, but I am intuiting to have had to exist. I know there must be an M scene, cause I remember Bernard Lee saying, like, code name Thunderball. And that's the name of the mission, because Thunderball is the name they give to a mushroom cloud.

Yes. I think M meets him at the fucking Air Force, or whatever. And they're like, oh, this guy, you know, we found this dead-ass body, someone stole his identity and jacked our plane and crashed it in, question mark, the Caribbean. So next location that you have to go to is Nassau, in the Bahamas. LORRAINE Yeah, he's like, there's a line about water sports. ALICE What?

GARETH Bond, guess what? LORRAINE There is, cause he says, y'know, we're sending you to Nassau to find nukes, you know, your passion for water sports notwithstanding. ALICE Do I, hold on, I have drops, and I don't, I haven't played any of the- LORRAINE HIT ME WITH ONE! Do it! GARETH So, I respectfully suggest that you change my assignment to NASA. Is there any other reason besides your enthusiasm for water sports?

Boom! Got it! Yes! How did you fucking get that? You people are insane. Is there any other reason such a passion for jelging? Yeah, because Bernard Lee's gonna send him some of us, because they're like, the plane is gone, we don't know where, double O's, we're sending you all everywhere.

And Bond is like, no, no, I was right. It is the scene with all the double lows. All the double lows is in this one. It is. Oh, you because he sees the photo of question mark. The pilot has a hot 10 out of 10 sister named Domino who's a diving instructor in NASA. And that's why he's like, send me to NASA. Send me to NASA. I can tell I found a close family relation who happens to be a hot girl. Shoot me over there, write ASAP, pay for that. Absolutely classic, yeah. And one of the 00s is a woman, 003. That is true, that is true. Yeah. And they meet in the

room that's like in front of a big window so everyone can see what they're doing. Yeah, a huge window, oh wow. Yeah, this is all coming back to me, okay. They should fuck around with more 00s in future future, rather than just killing a double O9, but whatever. LIAM The lathe. The lathe! ALICE Bond goes to Nassau. LIAM And he tells this woman, you swim like a brick, you swim like an AGP, most girls just paddle- no, he says most girls just paddle around, you do the brushstroke like a man.

Something like that. ALICE There might be a Q scene ahead of time. Yeah. Like, he's gotta have gotten gadgets, right? Yeah, Q's like, check this shit out. I have a radioactive pill here. Yeah, the pill that gives you cancer instantly. Gonna be installed in, like, your shoe.

Shoes? Tracking device. Yeah, so you're gonna get the first, like, HEAL cancer ever recorded. Oh, well, second after Achilles. RILEY I feel like Goldfinger was the shoes tracker one. ALICE They put so many trackers in this motherfucker's shoes.

ZACH He always invents a tracking device. RILEY Like, it's always a new tracking device. ALICE He has a big foot fetish, at this point, and he's like, 007, gonna need to take your shoes off, uh, socks also. ZACH He gets the pill that kills you instantly, and... ALICE Oh, this is the first, like... RILEY The rebreather!

He gets the other thing you can breathe for like three minutes! ALICE Yeah, yeah, yeah. RILEY Pencil rebreather, yeah. ALICE Also, I think this is the first gadget watch. RILEY It is. ALICE And it's not even a Rolex, I don't think, but this is the thing that lets you track the radioactive pill. RILEY Yes.

ALICE Okay. AL. If you want to. He gets the pill, he gets the Rolex, he gets the... It's a bit of a crazy thing, this is two Noz canisters attached to a central little thing here, it'll let you breathe forever. And this was so convincing genuinely that the army got in touch with the producers and was like, you gotta tell us about this rebreather, and they were like, here's the trick, it's a movie. It's actually fake, and we did it on a stage.

ALICE Yeah, the NHS got in touch, they're like, you gotta tell us about this wiggler. RILEY Yeah. I got in touch, he was like, you gotta tell me about this mink glove. ALICE So, he goes to Nassau, he contrives to meet Domino where he's like, you swim like a brick. RILEY Yes. ALICE Yes.

RILEY Most girls just paddle around, you do the breaststroke like a man, do you wanna fuck crazy right now? Yeah. Most girls just paddle around, you do the breaststroke like a man, do you wanna fuck crazy right now? And she's like, my... she says my guardian wouldn't like that, because she is Largo's quote unquote niece. Yeah, she says like ward, or whatever. Ward. Yes.

I remember it, and I could be wrong, before he gets to do fuck all mooching about spying, Largo is like, Mr. Bond, why don't you come to my fucking house? RILEY Not yet! Not yet! There's a casino scene in which Largo is playing cards, and Bond says, I thought I shot a spectre over your shoulder, and it's... My spectre against your spectre, is it?

There's not a lot of jokes you can do with this. ALICE He's doing the most hackneyed, you are inspector, bitch. You can have that. Yeah. We have done any crimes lately, you bastard. Largo wearing like a red carnation and an eyepatch and a white tuxedo, looks good as hell. Yeah.

Bond beats him at cards, and then Largo's like, ah this is very interesting, you should come to my house where I will murder you. Maybe? I think so. No, I remember it's a really early, like, come to my lair scene. Like, remarkably so. Yeah, and it's not the proper lair, it's not the boat, it's the house. It's not the lair, no, it's the house.

Bond has some local allies, because I remember one of them gets killed at some stage. Oh god. Is this the one with the British diplomat? FIONA No. There's gotta be some sort of sharky. It's definitely not Nigel Smallforce it, cause that's Never Say Never Again. ALICE Oh god. FIONA But he has a local ally of some description

who is in the movie. It's a woman, because she gets tortured and killed later on. ALICE Oh, yeah, doesn't she also make fun of him for the fact that he's not falling in love with him having fucked him? DARREN That's Fiona Volpe, who's the evil one. There's a good one who gets killed. RILEY There's too many women involved here. DARREN There's three girls in this, Domino, Fiona

Volpe, and then Agent X, who I can't remember the name of. But she's in it somewhere. ALICE Wait, is this the one where she's got the fucking radio hidden in her beach house? No, that's fucking Dr. No. Okay. Right. SONIA At some point he goes to Largo's house, and we meet Vargas. ALICE Largo immediately hits him with the, this my boy Vargas, he doesn't shit, he doesn't piss, he doesn't cum, he doesn't breathe, he doesn't collect Pokemon trading cards, like what do you do, Vargas.

And Vargas just kinda goes, eh. RIght, you put that notepad down right now. I'm not, I'm getting the scum system out. Okay good, I was just right, I just- Don't worry, don't worry. It's okay, I trust you. Oh no, my notebooks from several years ago are gone, like, look how many of these fucking things I have.

Okay, okay, no, mine's completely fucking lost. Vargas does not drink. Does not smoke. Does not make love. Does not make love. What do you do, Vargas? Every man has his specialness. Every man has his specialness.

Yay! Perfect. Vargas, he does not smoke. He does not piss. He does not shit. He loves to get his shit gelled with a mink glove. His shit is two feet long at this point. He's getting Frencher.

They do clay pigeon shooting. Bond sees the disco volante and goes, that's an interesting boot. Almost as if it could conceal a nuclear weapon. And Lago goes, damn that's fucking crazy, have you considered maybe not worrying about it? He has a shark pool! Yes. He goes, yo brother, check out my paddling pool full of sharks. Yeah. Yes, cause he collects them for... aquariums. Every man has his passion.

Mine is having a paddling pool full of sharks. Just like an inflatable, like, kiddie pool, full of sharks. Mine is having a remarkably small pool full of sharks. Kiddie pool with like one great white just lying there getting hit with a hose. It's like half out of the water. And we have seen him throw someone in this pool earlier on for failing to do something. This organization does not tolerate failure moments. Yeah, they definitely shark a guy. Sharky.

Oh no! I'll never forget you, Sharky. Oh well. Moving on. Bond doesn't get thrown in the pool just yet. Bond, Lago's just like, alright, chill, nice meeting you. Fuck off. Yeah, no, this is a very cordial first meeting, they just sort of have a look around, have

a long chat, there's probably some banter, but... And then Bond infiltrates his shit later that evening. Because his ally gets captured, I remember, because she's being tortured and she takes a cyanide pill. Something must happen in between. Does he dive under the boat? We need to meet Fiona Volpe at some point between these scenes, but I cannot fucking for the life of me. Is this the one where he dives under the boat in the red scuba suit and sees they have the nuke? ALICE Yes.

RILEY That must happen here, then. ALICE Yeah. With like a Geiger counter, so he's like, oh shit, that's the fucking nuke. RILEY You're right! It must have been on the boat at some point. ALICE Yeah. But it's not there now. RILEY And then some other shit must happen in order

for his ally to get captured. ALICE Yeah, so then he infiltrates the fucking house, and he gets like, almost detected, and he gets in a fight in the shark pool. NARES It's like, night. ALICE It goes in at night, and they cut the power to Nassau, in order to, so he goes in, he kills some henchmen, and then his ally has already taken her cyanide pill. ALICE I don't fucking remember this. RILEY And then on the way out, he falls in the

shark pool. ALICE He just like, falls in. RILEY Yeah, I think so. ALICE He trips over a shark in a paddling pool. RILEY Oh shit. Oh fuck. Sploosh. RILEY They do the dead shark.

RILEY Yeah yeah yeah. He like, oh god. ALICE He's like fighting the shark off, and then... They do the dead shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He, he, he like, oh God. He's like fighting the shark off and then... Because it like swims past him and then, oh, how did you do that shot? And it's like, it was a dead shark being turned on a fishing line. Yeah. And he had like some glass between him and the shark to do the shot or something like

that. Well, that might be the tarantula in the first one. He definitely gets captured at some point by Fiona Volpert with his shoes. ALICE He beats the shark to death with a shoe. RILEY He does, yes. ALICE And then he gets out of the pool and Fiona Volpe is waiting for him and is just like, did you just beat that? Did I just hear the sounds of a man beating a shark to death with a size 11 loafer? RILEY He's like, no.

A- Because he tries to seduce Fiona Volpe. He must get back to his hotel. And this is when she hits him with the fucking- Bond, James Bond, the man who only has to have sex with a woman and she starts hearing a heavenly choir singing. But of course, I forgot your ego, Mr Bond. James Bond, who only has to make love to a woman, and she starts to hear heavenly choir singing.

Jesus Christ, woman. RILEY This broad is so good at this. ALICE She's really fucking good at this. RILEY Yeah, no, cause obviously he has sex with her. RILEY And then he's like, oh fuck, alright, no, I'm not going to actually, because she's a femme and she's the leading of the film. It doesn't have sex with her. And then she captures him, she takes him across town, there's like a parade going on?

There's like a carnival of some description? Yeah, there's absolutely a parade going on. Oh wait, he kills her at this point, because- At the nightclub? Yeah, because some goons are gonna try and shoot him while he's on the dance floor for some fucking reason, and he sees them reflected in her eye, and spins her around really fast, so that she gets the like knife in the back or the bullet or whatever. Which is insane.

RILEY They have a really long chat. It's gotta be thematically coherent or something, but like, it's just not there. ALICE I want that to be Domino that he's just killed there rather than Fiona Volpe. RILEY It's not, it's definitely Volpe, I remember, cause there's a scene with Domino later on that I remember. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Felix! Felix must be here! Gay Felix later! Yeah. Oh yeah, fucking gay Felix! Gay Felix is in this one and he's gay. I have Thunderball.gay.lav.

I knew everything looked good. Uh huh. Yes. Yes. That comes right at the end. That's much later. Was the fucking ally named Paula? Because I have a Paula. Yes. Okay, hit me with Paula. Don't let him stay with the girl. I'll get back to him just as soon as I can. Anything else? Tell him Paula's dead. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I remember. That's the kind of maximal

amount that he cares about it. That must be between the shark pool scene and the funeral pay scene. Uh huh. Cause I can hear the carnival happening in the background which suggests it's on the same night. Okay, so, at this point he must find the nuke in an underwater cave and use the radioactive pill to signal where it is? Yes. I believe that he is in a fuckin' helicopter. With Felix.

With Felix. And they go over to like, it's not Crab Key, but it's Crab Key, right? Like it's like some shallow shit, and there's some sharks, and they full force shoot some sharks in real life, they just killed those sharks for the movie. Very bad. Because this was before the animal cruelty thing, so they were like, well we need to kill a shark, and the most realistic way to do that I guess would be to kill that shark. Just like throwing a shitload of shoes out of a helicopter.

RILEY Felix shoots it with a rifle from a helicopter, which would attract more sharks, very bad idea. RILEY Yeah, they like blood in the water, that's the whole thing actually. SONIA Yeah, and so Connery finds the thing, uses the pill to signal where the nuke is... ALICE Gets captured at this moment again? SONIA No, cause he goes back to Domino, some people

are trying to kill her underwater, he kills them, then fucks her underwater, very difficult to do. RILEY Yeah, no, cause, oh god yeah, this is the first very, very long underwater sequence. ALICE Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like, the goons, the goons have like, differently coloured swimsuits, to both of them. RILEY Yes. They do, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the goons have like, differently colored swimsuits. To both of them.

Yes. They do, yeah. Bond has this insane red and white fit, like tight white swimming trunks, and like a red... Mm. Really short as well, like, great inseam length. An inch maybe. Yeah, yeah. Fanboy shorts.

And then Bond and Domino go onto the beach beach and Bond does his spy work thing where he's just like, having just saved your life and fucked you, I need you to- I've decided to start streaming on Twitch.tv. I need you to do something for me now, I need you to help me infiltrate somewhere? The Disco Volante, surely? They're on the beach, it's him and Domino. He's talking, he's got, it's something to do with feet, cause like, this was the episode art, right?

Yes! It's like something about like, women taste good, I never knew women tasted really rather good. Something like that. I have ThunderboltSwim.wav. Mmm, most girls just paddle around. You swim like a man. Oh, that was the...

Oh yeah, yeah. AGP, I knew. I've never tried women before, they're really quite good. ALICE I don't have like a foot drop here, I don't think. GARETH And then Vargas rolls up and is like... He's just stalking through the woods, he doesn't get a line, it's very upsetting, I wish there

was more Vargas. He gets shot with a harpoon gun. ALICE Tries to kill him with a harpoon gun and Bond kills him with a harpoon gun and goes I think he got the point. ALICE Vargas gets harpooned to a palm tree, yeah. Yes. Yeah, he does. Leaving us to forever wonder what it is he does.

Nothing now, decompose. Get killed with a harpoon gun. That's his vice. Every man has a passion, mine is getting killed with a harpoon gun. Mine's getting killed with a harpoon gun and the third act is all of a stand-wedge. He's Blofeld in this film? No. I have a Blofeld drop, so, presumably they allude to him.

They part your all-money's have been accounted for by yourself. He's on the fucking console! Oh no! We missed it! We missed it! It's a really early scene, where they go to like a fucking charitable headquarters. The metal fucking place! We missed the metal pla- alright, ehh, roll back.

Rewind it back. Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv goes into some sort of charitable foundation, and then in a back room is the fucking Spectre meeting. Where one guy vaguely hints that they had done the great train robbery, because that was fucking relevant, because this is in 1800 fucking hundred apparently. And another guy's like, uh, I didn't fuck up Blofeld, and Blofeld's like, are you quite sure you didn't fuck up? I will now kill someone else instead! And he's behind the shutters with the cat. To the tune of there might be giants, put your hand inside the puppet head, touch your

hand against the metal plate. Mmhmm. The shutter only opens halfway up, we're aware of Blofeld, he's got the cat and everything. He's not even Blofeld yet, he's still number one. He's still number one. Number one. Oh yeah, no, we'll get to Blofeld yet, he's still number one. He's still number one. Number one. Oh yeah, no, we'll get to Blofeld next time around. And he's like, number six, touch your hand against the metal plate.

I'm sure why I made him kind of like, sinisterly Welsh there. Somebody gets dropped through the floor, Largo doesn't sit down, cause he knows better. Sounded Welsh to me. And the plan is, steal the nuke, ransom it for a bazillion... Two nukes! There's a the nuke, ransom it for a bazillion... two nukes! There's a second nuke, yeah. And ransom it for a bazillion bazillion dollars, or whatever. And if not, then we'll blow up a city.

Yeah. Yeah, I want it in fucking gold or jewels or something like that. Which, why would you give up being a nuclear power? Like, I vaguely remember at some point in the future, Blofeld's plan is to just become a nuclear power, and then the impotent beach boys of the sort of superpowers won't be able to do shit to him. But at this point he's still like, you know, give me like, one million dollars. RILEY Yeah, he's like, I've got a nuke, my intention

is to use it unless you give me a shit. I've got a second nuke also, by the way, lol. My intention is to use them both, fuck you, unless you give me a billion pounds in gold dropped into the ocean at this coordinate. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Back to Bondas killed Vargas, then he presumably has to get on the boat at some point. His fucking two foot long pencil thin dick... hanging out the bottom of his shorts, tragic. Uh huh. Yeah, uh huh. Very short shorts, very long dick. Very harpoon-like, actually, ironically.

Nearly made a joke about another content creator. Like a girl with a short shorts and a long penis. Um, I'll go for surface area, primarily. You have like a very ciliated penis, it's like, sort of, like ridged, you know, like, it's got a lot of absorption. I got that epithelial dick. That Klingon dick. Is that what Klingon dicks are like? Presumably, ridges, that's their thing.

That'd be Klingon on dicks. With a mink glove, fucking fool. Okay. What wolf enters the bridge with a mink glove, fucking fool. Okay. What wolf enters the bridge with a mink glove on one? Very threatening to imagine someone entering your space with a mink glove on. Just like, oh, hold on. Cosplay idea for the next live show. Bond must end up on the boat at some point.

It can't cost that much, hang on. Well statistically, Bond has two ways of arriving at a location, right? He infiltrates the place and gets captured, or he just straight gets captured. Like, I think he must infiltrate it from underwater enough to see that they have one of the bombs, but not the other. Which is stashed somewhere else. RILEY Okay, I'm currently on JamesBondLifestyle.com slash product slash mink gloves.

ALICE JamesBondLifestyle.com slash product slash mink glove? Jamesbondlifestyle.com? God, that's sad. Yeah, this is a great place where you can see all of the different clothes he's worn in movies and find them. I mean, the terrycloth romper. Just minkglove.com, okay. Well let's see what this is. Yeah, you okay?

Shit. Do we own that domain? Oh, it's fucking, it's busted. Shit. It doesn't seem like we can get a mink glove. I think we could probably get, like, a mink glove. You could probably get mink gloves quite cheap, actually, because we culled a lot of them during COVID, because they're great transmitters of it.

Mink fur is very cheap right now. Yeah, no, we absolutely blittered a bunch of ermines in the fuckin' Baltic states. You could get, like, a faux mink glove, where you wouldn't like- I'm not interested in a faux mink glove. What do I want, a faux jack-off? I'm not gonna show off a faux penis. Yeah, exactly! What are we doing here?

Like, be serious, alright? If you're committing to the mink glove, you might as well. There must be a battle. There's a battle at some point, because Bond has to use the piss rocket, and the camera operators have to get distracted in film sea life. I'm discovering on the course of JamesBondLifestyle.com, the nurse who he blackmails and sexually assaults is literally named Patricia Fearing? Oh yeah.

Which I don't approve of. Mink, it reduces the tensions. Fearing, not mine. Wow. Hmm. Huh. Huh. Traps the lippy in the sauna.

Yeah. Piss rocket. I beg your pardon? What the hell did you just say to me? There must be an underwater battle because he has to use the piss rocket. The what? The piss rocket! The underwater jetpack that looks like it's firing piss!

God, the underwater jetpack that fuckin' shoots yellow for some reason. Yeah yeah yeah. That was the fuckin' like, submarine delivery vehicle or whatever the fuck. Yeah yeah yeah. The some reason, yeah yeah yeah. ALICE The fucking, like, submarine delivery vehicle or whatever the fuck. Yeah yeah yeah. RILEY The piss rocket, yeah. DARREN There's a big underwater battle, the cameraman gets distracted and starts filming sea life, he says, my wet suit, it's your riding up

my asshole, and Felix says on you, everything looks good, and he jumps out of the helicopter. ALICE Yeah, cause like, there's a bunch of like, CIA or like, Marine spies who are also in this battle, so it's like, Spectre versus the Americans and also Bond is there. RILEY Piss rocket, he must get on the boat from there? ALICE Muuuuhhh. RILEY He must get on the boat from the piss rocket. The boat footage is all sped up.

ALICE Yeah, because they try to make the Disco Volante faster than this. RILEY Sorry, I should probably stop just looking at fucking mink gloves and do the podcast. Uh, closing all my other tabs. Right, yeah. So, he's on the boat. 100%.

SONIA He must have a fight with Largo? ALICE Not yet, I don't think. Because I think he gets captured, and I think this is where we see the Disco Volante's party feast, is that the front of it comes off... RILEY Mmhm. To be a separate boat. ALICE Yeah. SONIA Faster boat. ALICE Yeah, it goes faster. It's like a hydrofo Is that the front of it comes off? Mmhmm. To be a separate boat. Yeah. A boat.

Faster boat. Yeah, it goes faster. It's like a hydrofoil or whatever the fuck. Mm. And Spectre are gonna use one of the nukes to blow up Miami anyway, because reasons? Yeah, because fuck Miami. Yeah. Like...

And honestly, let them. Well, you don't really need a nuclear weapon to destroy Miami, you can just wait. Wait, yeah. I guess the sea'll do it on its own. A plot to destroy Miami by like, doing a bunch of carbon emissions, you know? Yeah. That's unironically the plot of Aquaman 2. So many things could be the plot of Aquaman 2.

Watch it on a plane? Not as good as the first one. So... A recent Aquaman? Yeah. Huh. Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, the bad guy's plan is to cause a bunch of carbon emissions and destroy the world.

Wow, I didn't know there was a second Aquaman. That's barely even illegal, let alone an evil plan. I mean, it's evil, but like... Well, it also will bring back a lost kingdom of people who were evil, but anyway. Alright, well, but Disney Corporation makes very smart and good movies. They do, they do. That also wasn't made by them though, it was made by Warner. Oh well, that, fuck, what a stupid fucking plot, Jesus Christ.

Uh, Warner own HBO. Fuck! Oh, Warner makes some really good movies, and the plots make so much sense to me. Thank you very much. And TV, yep, yep, yep. My only criticism of any piece of media is that it doesn't have my friend Abigail Thorne cast in it. Thank you very much. That's true.

And by the way, there's some pretty good media on the telly these days. Hold on, hold on. We're stuck here, I'm gonna run through the drops and see if there's anything that can get us out of here. Yeah, give me some clues here. Uh, I got... I love this. Blackmail?

Who wouldn't tell Dr. Wayne? That's the fearing thing. That's the rape. At Blofeld I got James Bond, the Heavenly Choirirs, I got Gay Felix Leiter, I got the gendarme, and Nassau I got Paula being dead. Punch, which I assume is punching Jacques Bouvier. By the way. Yeah it is.

Come to offer my sincere condolences. Oof. ALTIMER. ALTIMER. ALTIMER. I got Q. Oh no. Ah, 007.

What a wonderful surprise. Well for me too. Yeah, cause Q meets Oh no. 007. What a wonderful surprise. Well for me too. Yeah, cause Q meets him in Nassau. Yeah. You're right.

It's not a separate QC before he goes. Q is there on holiday wearing like a fucking Hawaiian shirt and having a great time. I got safe. There now, first time I felt really safe all day. That's when they put him in the wiggler. They put him in the wiggler. Moneypenny, next time I see you, I'll put you across my knee.

Uh huh. Yogurt and lemon juice? Uh huh, I can hardly wait. Cause he's in the spa and the spa makes you gay! The spa makes you gay. There's so many, I have so many of these fucking drops, I expect it. Because he calls Moneypenny and it's like there's's an evil plan going on, and she's like, fuck off James, you're being made gay and soy.

Uh huh. Those girls just paddle around. Yeah. You're a fucking brick. Hmm. My dear Prime Minister, two atomic bombs, numbers 456 and 457, which were aboard NATO flight 759, are now in the possession of Spectre. Unless within the next seven days, your government pays to us £100 million sterling in a manner to be designated by us.

You shall destroy a major city in England or the United States of America. Please signal your acceptance of our terms by our... Uh huh. Yeah. Pfff. Da da da da. I got... First time I've tasted women, they're rather good. I did have that! And then I have, I have, I have them getting tortured, and that's my last one. This for heat.

These for cold. Applied scientifically and slowly. Very, very slowly. Is, is Largo torturing- That's not Bond getting tortured, that's Domino! Yeah! Yeah! It's not Bond getting tortured, that's Domino. Yeah. Yeah. Because Largo, he like gets Domino to like spy on something, and she gets caught. And Largo is like, oh I'm gonna fuckin' put some ice cubes on you, or whatever.

Ice cubes and a cigar. I mean, one of those works, and the other is ice cubes. What are you doing with the ice cubes? Like, get some salt at least, man. Like, fuckin' put some effort into with the ice cubes? Like, get some salt at least, man. Like, fucking put some effort into using the ice cubes. ALICE Adding this to the master list of movies where someone is tortured with a sort of burning cigarette. RILEY It turns out it's like every movie in the

60s, man. ALICE Yeah, this was like all they could think about. It just, I get inspiration from better movies is all I can say. ZOE Bond has a fight with Largo, and Largo gets harpooned. ALICE Yeah, because the Disco Volante is speeding along in the water. ALICE Yeah. Ba-da-ba-da!

ALICE And they get thrown around the bridge, and Bond gets thrown back onto, like, next to the harpoon gun, and he harpoons Largo. LIAM Aw, Abby's got something. ALICE I just realized when he meets Fiona Vorpe! Rewind it! he's like, you drive very fast, is that because you're evil? And she's like, maybe? ALICE It's sort of an early Xenia on the top moment there. I do not remember this. At all. RILEY I only remember this because of the fucking

ring, because this is why, like, Abi bought one at this exact point, I think. ALICE Yes, yes. I have my specter ring. RILEY The old style octopus specter ring. Really good. Yeah, she's wearing that, and she fucking speeds home with him from the casino where he just finished embarrassing Amelia like, yes, yes! I gotta get me one of those. Okay, we're back on the boat. Largo's been killed with a harpoon.

Damn shame. Oh well. The boat footage is all sped up. The controls, they're fucked. I can't do anything with this, you know. We're gonna have to jump for it. BADABADAAA! They jump off the boat, the boat crashes into something, the boat explodes. Yeah. They're on a raft.

They get picked up with a wire. It's the thing where the plane goes BWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWB But they used to really do? Yeah, the Fault in Recovery system. Yeah. Why would they do that? That's it. They fucking get Metal Gear Solid V'd. And they get ghost shipped. That's the movie! James Bond will return, they get Batman'd, Dark Nited- It turns out that when you don't remember half of it, you can compress a rewatch of a Bond movie into 48 minutes and change.

Bond, you've forgotten something! Have I? Well of course I have! It's the real limit to this fucking thing that I decided to make us do for some reason, and I'm so glad you talked me out of, which is that I don't fucking remember shit! Well we don't just have to remember it anecdotally, we can fail to remember it scientifically because we have to give it a scum score. Yeah, okay, right, well, um...

Non-canon. The scientific experiment into the fucking persistence of memory. To the best of my knowledge. Yeah! How smarmy is this movie? Jesus fucking Christ, you... Um... This is exactly what I wanted to hear.

In my memory it's somewhat. ALICE Yeah, I mean, I don't think any movie in which Bond is getting his shit joked with a mink fur glove is not gonna be Smarmy, right? Plus it's Connery. On the other hand, it's like, sort of, pretty mid-level Connery before he'd gotten old? RILEY Yes. ALICE Oh, god. How smarmy is this movie? Okay.

Well, he says you swim like a man, you drive like a man... It's pretty smarmy that he pulls her like, gay and breaks up all the time. Uh, I'm gonna have sex with you... Your feet taste weird. Yeah, your feet are... He takes a bite out of a foot, that's right, he fuckin' puts it in his mouth, that's the fuckin' episode after the... In many ways, sort of the progenitor of Craig Fingersuck in that moment, you know?

Mmm. Yeah. Sean Tosuck. Sean Tosuck. Oh, well, hang on a minute now. I only got ten to fifteen minutes out of this, hang on. A new name touches the beacon. Three?

Four? It was way higher than four, it may have been... We're not trying to... no, we're not trying to guess what we originally gave, we're trying to do it again and see if we get it. To the best of my knowledge. Four? Five? I can't remember anything he says that's smarmy though.

You swim like a brick? Other than that obviously you swim like a man, that is fucked up. You're a specter against my specter. You're a specter. Oh god yeah, the whole fucking lago scene where he's just like chewing on the scene, yeah, no, okay. Am I insane, or did we at this point have to have a sort of philosophical discussion about whether or not Smaam was only Bond or extended to the movie more generally?

Because I think I vaguely remember that I wanted to market Haia for Lago and Vargas, who does not piss, who does not shit, and we decided not to. Yeah. My memory serves, I think we had that philosophical discussion four or five times throughout the course of season one, and I think each time we do come down, but it is Bond's. Yeah. Smart. Not the movies.

Reason. Oh, how pleased the movie is with itself. Yeah. Four? Well, when we lost Bond, we had to... Yeah. Yeah. I'll go with four. Four sounds right. I'll go with four. Cultural insensitivity. Okay, well, here's the thing. There was

definitely a woman who was supposed to be a native, like, inhabitant of Nassau, but she was played by the same lass who played one of the Romani women in From Russia With Love. Which implies to me that she might've been wearing brownface in that second role. Which is not great culturally, I think we can all agree on that. ALICE She was like, part Romani, part Bahamian. I'm sure that... Bahamian. I'm sure that's plausible.

RILEY Bahamania. ALICE That's what it's called. RILEY Yeah. No, I believe you. ALICE Yeah, aside from that, like, everybody else is white and... DORIN Despite the fact that you're in the Bahamas. SORROW Which is a colonial territory.

ALICE Still was. DORIN I can't remember if that was at the time, I think it might have been. ALICE Yo, he might even have been to the Governor-General's office and been like, where's Emilio Largo, and they're the ones who send him to the casino. DORIAN No, no, fucking Domino sends him to the casino. ALICE Okay. But even still...

DORIAN And the casino has a bunch of people of colour in it and they're all servants. ALICE Ah, fuck. Yeah. DORIAN And this is where we figured out admission is two, so I wanna say four again? ALICE Yeah, cause I don't remember Bond doing any specific like racist bits himself.

Oh yeah, shit, this didn't get independence until 73, this was definitely a Crown colony the time they filmed this, and I remember that a bunch of the fucking people in the background who were just being servants were just actual people from the Bahamas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who were just playing that role in real life. I don't know if I had theorized racist crowds yet, but there's definitely some racist crowds at this parade. SONIA Yes.

RILEY 100%. ALICE In that case, yeah, like four, I guess? SONIA Yeah. RILEY Sure. SONIA Unprovoked violence? ALICE He fucking arranges to have a woman killed by like, dancing with her. She is trying to kill him, but not her personally at that moment. SONIA I guess.

Kills some gods. Fuck it, Lippy is like, more or less defenseless and he broils his ass. Like, he like, jelks him to a permanent end. I dunno. Three? I'm willing to go three, yeah. Misogyny. Now, Paula's dead.

Pretty high. We see a woman get tortured for like, basically erotic reasons. Yes. Yes. And also, Bon does shag her before his mission. Yeah Yes. And also Bond does shag her before, like, his mission. Yeah. And his mission is to shag her. And also she's like, weirdly child-coded?

Yeah, the kind of like weird sexy baby thing that a lot of early Bond women have. Five? Six? Uh, I don't know if it's a six. I think five makes sense to me. Okay. Can we add an extra point for transm misogyny for Jacques Bouvier? Yeah, go on.

Sure, yeah. Six. Something we did at the time, we should have had the confidence of our convictions. Jacques Bouvier's not meant to be a trans woman, though. Nah. We're only given, like, sort of, bond's word for that, you know? Like, if I was a trans woman and I worked for Spectre, I would one million percent fake my death, and then come to my funeral as my own widow, you know?

That is, can't it? You would do that. I don't know if the film is telling that story. ALICE I got the veil and everything, uh, it's... KATE That gives us a total score of... Eight, eleven, sixteen. And I have my notebook here with the scores in. Are we ready?

We originally gave Thunderball a score of twenty. LORENZO Oof, okay. Okay. ALICE We've mellowed in our old age. RILEY We have mellowed. ALICE Or we just don't remember some of the things that it did wrong. RILEY Largely we don't remember it.

I'd like to put something to the two of you. What if I read the plot off of Wikipedia out loud right now? ALICE I think that's important to do as closure. RILEY And we both go, what the fuck? And then we just sort of go like, oh shit! ALICE That's gonna be the thing that I was going to do the second we stopped the recording anyway, so like, please. RILEY Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, let's take this from the top. Plot. Spectre operative Emilio Largo devises a plan to hold NATO to ransom by hijacking two atomic bombs from a Royal Air Force Avro Vulcan strategic jet bomber during a training exercise. To facilitate Largo's plan, Spectre operative Count Lippi recruits Angelo Pellazzi to oversee the theft of the bombs. With help from Spectre agent Fiona Volpe, Lippi has Pellazzi surgically alter his face to match that of a French Air Force pirate, Francois Deval.

The beautiful woman he was shagging was Volpe, right. That's at the health spa ahead of time, and then Bond gets sent there by stupid fucking coincidence. Volpe and Palazzi murder the real Deval while they are staying at the Shrublands health resort, only for the latter to demand more money, because he believes that it's, you know, yeah, because he's like, I've got the fucking face now, cunt, I need some more money. Volpe goes, here's your money. Yeah, so here's your money, you'll definitely be allowed to spend it, yeah.

Hundred percent, take the fucking money. Following the plan, Pallazzi successfully hijacks the bomber, killing its crew, with a gas, as we all know. This was pre-gas era for us, we would've made a lot more hay out of this gas if we'd have watched Uncle. Lands in the shallow waters of the Bahamas. While the bombs are recovered by his men, Largo murders Palazzi for reneging on his original deal with Spectre.

British secret agent James Bond, da da da da da da, recuperating at Shrublands after killing Spectre assassin Jack Bouvard, who had faked his death at the Chateau. So he's just there, normal style. Yeah. He's there for no reason, I remember this, but like- He happens to hang out. He notices Lippy's presence, and keeps him under observation. Wait, is there a bit like before that where he's sent there because some doctor is like,

Bond, you eat fifteen thousand cigarettes a second? That's never said ever again. Okay. Yeah, no, they hadn't figured out that they needed to explain why he was there yet. Okay, yeah. Bond being recalled to London, Bond finds himself targeted by Lippy for trying to interfere with the Wiggler. Before he can defend himself, Volpe kills Lippy for jeopardizing Largo's scheme.

Okay, now, hold on. I don't remember that. So Volpe's the one that kills Lippy, I guess Bond just fucking locks him in the steamer. Inconveniences him, he just gives him like a steam burn. Inconvenience to a non-permanent end. First degree inconvenience versus like full thickness inconvenience of being killed. Full thickness inconvenience. What?

I've been full thickness inconvenienced before. You've been killed? Yeah, yeah, it feels like it sometimes. Yeah. Once back in London, Bond learns that all 00 agents are being put on high alert following the theft of the bombs, including Julie Bindle, after being informed a major city in the US or UK will be destroyed unless 100 million is paid to Spectre within seven days. You're kind of fluffing if you attack a major city in the UK, if your other option's the

US. Yeah, what major city in the UK, if you're other options the US. Yeah, what major city in the UK? You're talking about London, brother. We've already got one! You're gonna bomb Manchester? There's no offence to any Mancunians who happen to be listening, but can you imagine anyone caring? It's actually a false flag, I've taken out Bristol Central.

This one's for you, thangum! Hahahaha! Retaliate against the Bahamas for the loss of Bristol Central, yeah. ZOE But like, anyone in power carrying, I imagine that people getting bombed would care very immensely. ALICE Oh, probably not very long, so before you get full thickness inconvenience.

ZOE Hmm. It's too many thin inconvenience. ALICE The movie Threads is about a lot of people getting full thickness inconvenience. ZOE I don't know if I like full thickness inconvenienced as a new slang for being killed. I don't know how happy I am with that. I was using it as like, burns specifically, like a full thickness burn. But like...

Huh, I've never heard that expression. Well, obviously I'm thinking about the thickness of a penis, because we've been talking about jelking someone. Oh, okay. Just like, very flatly inconvenienced. Yeah. Full thickness burns is when the whole poem is in Scots, and it's really difficult to decipher.

"...Bond requests he be assigned to Nassau to contact Devil's sister Domino after recognizing Davao from the photo given to the agents in their main briefing as the body he found at the resort." Because it's his sister, because he has his dog tags! DORIN He only knew about the body prior to the briefing, and that's why he had the extra information. Beautiful. Okay.

ALICE He has Duvall's fucking dog tags, which he hands back to Domino to win her loyalty, to be like, your brother is fucking dead. That's after he eats one of her toes, or whatever. DORIN He does wait a long time to do it. Bond meets with Domino, who he learns is the mistress of Largo, when he visits a local casino. Both men recognize each other as adversaries, and engage in a tense cat and mouse game while still pretending ignorance of each other's true nature.

I wouldn't describe it like that, that seems, I would describe it in more literal terms. They do bits against each other. They basically just do bits to each other. I think I even have the My-spectre-against-your-spectre. Bond tries to say spectre as often as possible. Hold on, um... Yes, I thought I saw a spectre at your shoulder. God, he's such a cunt. He's such a cunt. Following her initial meeting, Bond meets with his friend CIA agent Gay Felix Leider, fellow agent Paula Kaplan, and MI6 Quartermaster Q, to receive equipment to help with finding the bombs, including an underwater infrared camera and miniature underwater breathing

apparatus. Don't remember the camera. Don't remember the camera. I remember the cover. Don't remember the camera. Do remember the rebreather. Investigating Largo's ship, the Disco Volante, he notices an underwater hatch beneath her that intrigues him.

The next day, he visits Largo at his estate during the night, only to find that Paula has been abducted and committed suicide before she could talk. Great agent. Forced to escape, Bond evades Largo's men during a junker new celebration. Volpe catches up with Bond, but is killed when Bond puts her between himself and a henchman aiming for Bond. Got it. Lovely.

Suspecting the bombs were brought to the area, Bond and Lyta search for the Vulcan and find it camouflaged underwater. Kill like fifty sharks, yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, nice. Along with the bodies of the crew members and Palazzi. Upon returning to the island, Bond reveals to Domino that her toes taste nice and that her brother was killed by Largo and

gets her to help him search for Disco Volante. This is the point at which they harpoon Vargas for a bastard, the mink glove dropping off of his hand as he pinned against the tree. And Venus. That was what he did, mink glove massages. It wasn't threatening. No. It was nice, it relieved the tension. He was a sweet man, he loved cats, local wildlife.

Just introducing my masseur, like, as a goon. Just like, yeah, this is Vargas, my masseur. However, Largo catches her in the act and has her imprisoned. Meanwhile, Bond replaces one of Largo's men, as Spectre prepares to move the bombs. ALICE Oh, fuck yeah! Cause they're all moving the bombs together, it's got like, handle-like eggs stentled onto the sides. RILEY Yeah.

Do you remember that at all? RILEY And manages to learn where one of them is being moved to, before being discovered and left behind. Reuniting with Leiter, the pair gets the US Coast Guard and US Navy to battle the Disco Volante crew, that's the very long underwater scene where they get bored and start filming wildlife, and recover one of the bombs in an underwater battle, killing slash arresting all of the Spectre Frogmen, while transferring the bombs to their detonation location and destroying the latter half, the latter half, of the Disco Volante in a gunfight.

You can't use latter like that. You mean like the anterior half. Rear half. Like the latter day discovolante. The latter half of the discovolante. In the eastern discovolante, I believe. The aft section. They called it the Byzantine discovolante, but that's not a contemporaneous term. Dude, I'm a romanized Frank, I don't The after section. They called it the Byzantine Discovolante, but that's not a contemporaneous term.

Dude, I'm a Romanized Frank, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna blow up the latter half of your boat. I'm Vargas, I don't give a fuck. In a gunfight with Bond pursuing Lago, grabs hold of the Discovolante as she sheds the rear half... Okay, well, you just said the last half was destroyed, you can't... Who wrote this shit? To become a hydrofoil and attempt to escape.

Yes, Bond gets on deck and sends Vodisko Volante out of control while he defeats Largo's men and fights Largo. In an ironic twist, Largo gains the upper hand and is about to shoot Bond, when Domino kills Largo with a speargun in revenge- I don't remember that at all. I remember he got a speargun, I don't remember it was Domino kills Largo with a spear gun in revenge- I don't remember that at all. I remember he got a spear gun, I don't remember it was Domino. After his like pet nuclear physicist frees her from on board. Oh, there was a whole set of scenes with the fucking physicist.

There was a whole ass nuclear physicist. Isn't that in Never Say Never Again, because the physicist is a cuck? I'm literally reading the plot of Thunderball right now. Oh, okay, sorry. But the physicist is a cuck. I'm literally reading the plot of Thunderball right now. Okay, sorry. But the physicist is a cuck in that one. The physicist is a cuck in that one, yeah, but he lets her free. Oh yeah, he hears her being tortured in the basement of a ship a couple of times and starts getting up in his feelings about it.

The trio quickly flee the disco of Elanté seconds before it crashes into rocks and explodes. Bond and Domino are retrieved by a plane with the Fulton system." That's interesting to me, because what happens to the physicist? Oh, he drowns. He just dies? Straight up? Just straight up drowns. We don't see him again.

Oh yeah, they all just jump off the boat and it's just... Don't worry about it, he's dead now. Alright. Well that's what happens in the movie Thunderball. James Bond will return in, uh... It's Never Say Never again. It's not, it's You Only Live Twice. It is!

Now, I could do You Only Live Twice from memory right now, the thing is, this one. This one is like, ugh, this was a real sort of memory pit for me. So poorly paced, and there's so little that happens that I'm just... It certainly doesn't help that we watched it twice. Yeah, they said it doesn't help that they made it twice. Yeah. Yeah. God.

Thunderball. Yeah. But the only thing that I remembered going in was gay Felix Leiter. And to be honest, Felix Leiter, he's been gayer. Like... He gets gayer. Yeah. Completely indistinct movie.

I can absolutely do You Only Live Twice from memory right now. Yeah, 100%. I think I can get that one through. We will do that, I guess, whenever we need an episode in a hurry, or at the end of robbery season. It's always nice to do around the holiday season as well, as like a free one to put together. Oh, maybe like a Christmas episode, yeah.

A very You Only Live Twice Christmas. Well, just like a Christmas episode, yeah. A very, you only live twice Christmas. Well, just like Jesus! You and Jesus became Japanese! Yeah. Yeah. Step one, you take a wife. Step one, you get crucified by the Romans. Step two, train hard and fast to become the Holy Spirit!

Step three! Take extra special cover, um, I guess he doesn't really take a wife. That depends which gospels he reads. Yeah, unless you really read into the Magdalene stuff. Oh my god, yeah, I genuinely feel like- I'm so glad that this isn't what we decided to do. Me too. I'm sorry that I had that idea.

RILEY No, it's perfect. I love doing these as a little treat every so often. ALICE Thunderbolt, a post-electric play. This was, we clawed it back, but this was a struggle, I'll be honest, I don't... RILEY There were entire subplots that just left my brain. ALICE Fell by the wayside. Yeah.

RILEY Perfect recall, perfect Professor X. I crispened potatoes as snacks retroactively. You did great. You do the Professor X finger thing as well, like, it's impressive. Like, you carried us on this one, Avi, thank you. Yeah, no, this was all Avi. Thank you, thank you so much. Well, first of all, hello to the audience. If that was fun, let me know, cause I had fun recording it, but I don't know how listenable

that was. Could use the reassurance. But if you want to hear more of us, maybe in person. Something that is listenable. Well. We can promise that. Let's not make any promises. I will.

You know what? We managed to make fucking FX18 listenable. We can make Johnny English listenable. You can go to killjamesbond.com slash live right now to buy tickets for our live shows on the 9th to 11th of August 2024. Be there or don't, it's fine, you know what I understand. ALICE But do be there. Like if you have the option it would be very nice, cause we booked a large room and we

wanna fill it. ALICE Yes. And we're looking forward to seeing all of you. In the meantime, we have a Patreon, you can subscribe to it, you get bonus episodes, and they're very fun. RILEY That's right. The next one is gonna be the polar opposite of this, which is a deeply thoughtful and introspective episode about a really wonderful movie.

ALICE Yeah. ALICE Yeah, the next bonus episode's gonna be the Duke of Burgundy, which, there's a lot of talking and thinking in that one, whereas in this one... KAYLEE And lesbianism. ALICE Yeah, whereas in this one, very little lesbianism and a lot less thinking. KAYLEE A lot more getting jacked off with a mink love.

ALICE It's true, it's true. It's been an absolute pleasure, and we will see you next time. Bye everyone. KAYLEE See you later. KAYLEE KIA, GET OUTTA HERE! Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Was that good? Let me know, I imagine it was probably fine. Well, next week on the bonus feed, it's the Duke of Burgundy, which is the exact polar opposite of this episode. We recorded it before this one, so I can say this with absolute conviction. We're very sensible and quite analytical.

Buy the tickets for the fucking live shows. Alright? Please. PLEASE. I'll stop being scared when we actually announce them and we see what the demand is, but right now we're pre-announcement and all I know is we've booked a venue that is about three times larger than our previous ones and I really hope that we can fill that but with that being said special thanks to our 15 pounds and above patrons and those

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