Kill James Bond! - S3E25: Danger Diabolik!

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Get your live show tickets Here!- But do it fast ----- Thank you so much for suggesting this one, whoever it was. This was a shot of pure, beautiful, comic book bullshit at the end of what has been a very long season of solidarity. A mob boss is blackmailed by a police detective into helping him hunt down an elusive thief and his beautiful stacked 10/10 trans baddie gf ----- Friend of the show Blake is fundraising for gender affirming surgery It would mean the world if you could help contribute to her fundraiser! https://www.gofundme.com/f/blakes-gender-affirming-surgery-fundraiser?lang=en_GB&utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to hit their gofundme for passage out of Rafah whenever the crossing reopens. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. While the crossing might be closed, the situation is changing by the day and being able to afford passage out when a crossing reopens is an immense comfort. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Thank you, thank you, whoever sent this in, thank you so much. Thank you for this gift of a movie. Oh, this is gonna be a fuckin' faggot. We thought we were in the dregs of Eurospy season, and we were so right. You know what, maybe we don't even need... We can just kick the can down the road, and another six months of Eurospy after this. You know? Oh no.

Another twenty billion Eurospy. I think we should go out on this, because this is like, the ultimate euro spy, this is perfect. This one is so so good. I genuinely thank you to whoever suggested this. So, hello, welcome, Kill James Bond, I'm November, joined as always by my friends Abigail, Thorne and Davin. Hey.

And because we're at the end of Euro Spy, we're transitioning into robbery season, which is coming very shortly, we took suggestions, we're still taking suggestions, I think, from you for Eurospy movies that would be good to do, and one of you, some genius, suggested Danger Diabolic. Now, Danger Diabolic is late 60s Italian... it's barely even Eurospy, there's no spying in it. It's like, it's a comic book movie, and that's the first thing about it, right, is this is the first real, like, comic book movie we've seen since, I think, Speed Racer?

Yes. Yeah, and it has a little Speed Racer in it. Yeah, the comparison suggests itself naturally, because it's filmed in very similar ways, to like, evoke a comic book, a comic strip, right? RILEY What if Speed Racer was also Batman? ALICE Yeah! RILEY And was also like, a thief and the Joker. It's so good!

ALICE Yeah, because this is, like, the intellectual property here is a comic book, right? Like Diabolic is this like Italian pulp comic criminal thief. And they made a movie of it, Dino De Laurentiis made this movie and Barbarella at the same time. Which is a workflow you can only achieve, I think he's dead now so we can say, that you can only achieve thanks to like, 60s Italian drugs. LWX You know they're talking about a Barbarella remake.

ALICE Well, they should remake this, too. ZACH Yeah, at the same time. To keep it true to the original vision. ALICE They're talking about a Barbarella remake. ALICE If we're the modern day Siskel and Ebert, who is the modern day Dino De Laurentiis, is my question. Right in. But, so, I watched this movie, right, and with a kind of slight wobble to it in the

middle, which I'll talk about, right, I didn't get any drops from this either, which is decreasing the quality of the podcast, I apologise. I've had to watch three Johnny English movies back to back to back, I haven't had time to... Uh, but... It's been bad. The Johnny English movies aren't good, you'll hear about them soon. Live shows! Come to the live shows!

ALICE Suffering. Yes. But so, I do wanna say, I watched the first ten minutes of this, right, and my first note is, this rules, holy shit, this is a bridge to robbery season, because we start with a heist. RILEY Yeah, I'm so excited to talk about the beginning of this film, because it starts so normal, and the places that we go, it's almost nostalgic to look back and think, like, ah, that was us, 110 minutes ago, as Arson on the car was

being, had like, fake cash loaded into it to fool a thief, and there's an inspector who's worried about a thief called Diabolic, and I'm like, oh, we're gonna go to such amazing places. ALICE It's true. Although, to be fair, even I'm like, oh, we're gonna go to such amazing places. ALICE It's true. Although, to be fair, even these details are a little bit exaggerated in the kind of comic book fashion, like there's some brilliant shots of the van full of fake money leaving, escorted by like, it's like one van, and like, 18 cops on motorcycles, all looking like the dude from Cruising.

It's like, fucking hell, all looking like the dude from Cruising. It's like, great. Like, the Tom of Finland protective brigade have been deployed. And we see that the real cash is being sneakily transported in a Rolls Royce by some cops who are disguised as diplomats. And we get some sick theme music, cause they drive out. The other interesting thing here is that we put the Zenegata first. We do. We're putting the Zenegata first? RILEY We do. ALICE We're putting the Zenegata before the Lupin, right?

Like, we see Inspector... fuck, what's his name, it's Jinko, right? RILEY It's Jinko, yeah. DARREN It is Jinko, but I called him Zenegata the entire time. ALICE Inspector Jinko by Loba is... he's sitting there, he's like, sweating, he's like, the whole criminal underworld worries me less than one man. Diabolic. And I'm like, sick. ALICE Yeah, great.

Fantastic. SONIA And they're being followed by, and I'm gonna be very normal about the cars and the clothes in this, I'm afraid, listen to this, you know what I'm like, they're being followed by a black Jaguar E-type, which is the second most beautiful car in this film. ALICE Yeah. It's great. Also, I should say, some really adventurous camera work.

RILEY Yeah, I was gonna say. Like, some really beautifully composed shots for this, like, schlock. ALICE Mmhm. Like, because they shoot them like comic panels, a lot of the time. And it means that you get some really, really nice framing, I'm a huge huge fan. It's quite difficult, at least for me, to describe exactly how this is shot, but there's one shot in particular when this sort of convoy with the Rolls Royce and the real money and the fake diplomat is going into the dockyard, cause they're moving the money to a boat,

and it's like shot from a crane operator's seat, like straight out and down. And it's just like a brilliant little tracking shot, I really like it. And then we get one of our favorite returning guests on the podcast, Gas! It's so great to see Gas working again. I mean, listen. Gas has never had a work. Not one, Not two.

But three gases are deployed simultaneously against the convoy. Bright colors, purple, yellow, and green, it's wonderful. He's like a consultant anesthetist, he's got three gases on the go at the same time. Yeah, my brother rocks up and just attacks the convoy. Just like, wheels his little stool in, monitoring a concentration of three different gases. He's texting me monosyllabic things every week or so. He's got like, he's got like a gold gas, he's got a green gas, he's got a purple gas, all of these envelop the Rolls Royce, and he steals the fucking car, he steals it with a crane. Indeed.

Big magnet! Yeah, while Zenergarten and his fake diplomats are like, where did it go? And then he stops standing atop it, hanging off a crane, to laugh at them. To do like an evil laugh. RILEY He is laughing the whole time, yeah, he's doing like, ahahahahaha, you fools, you have underestimated Diabolik. SONIA It's an evil laugh too. ALICE We also gotta talk about Diabolik's fit here.

RILEY Yes, he's wearing some tight rubber, including a face mask. SONIA It's a leather gimp outfit. It's a weird sort of, I've never been a sort of like, a materials kink person, you know, like leather or like rubber or latex, PVC, whatever, don't really like, do anything. Update your charts at home. Thank you. Diabolic on the other hand is like, he's textile maxing. Yes.

Oh yeah. He's got like, leather, and I guess like, rubber? Yeah, I was gonna call it latex, but it's not, it's like a rubber mask that is unbelievably tight fitting and looks like his face. It's all white though, in this. Yeah. It's like, literally, I think it might be like, painted on. Yeah. It like, forms to his lips, which you'd think like, when he took it off, he'd be like, A, really sweaty, and like, B, mess up his hair and shit, and like, his face would be red, cause it's been constricted,

but no, don't worry. ALICE It's genuinely quite unsettling to look at, I don't think it's meant to be, it looks like, you can see the kind of through line from this to the Team Fortress 2 spy. In particular the fact that it covers his lips, but there's like a kind of mouth slit? So you get a really uncomfortably like close relief mouth. It's really like, mm. SONIA He jumps off the crane into the harbor, and might not say, did he lose the money?

ALICE No. ALICE Don't worry about it. SONIA It kinda looks like, cause he doesn't have a bag with him when he does this, but then later on, later on he has the money, so I'm just like, oh, I guess, I don't know how he did that. It's just like, inconvenience to them by lifting their car out over the harbor and left. Ha ha ha ha ha, dives into the water. Now you'll have trouble getting that car down, Inspector.

I've taken the keys to the crane. It's the first part in like a, like a 14 part plan, in which he has to delay them by like an hour, you know? Yeah, the first 13 parts are all just like inconvenient bits he does. This is basically true, he's doing social experiments. The other thing about this is the continuity is also comic book style, which is to say non-existent, right? Yeah.

Yeah, don't worry about it. Where was the money? Yeah, up his asshole, fuck you. Yeah, exactly, and now he's driving his black E-type along some, like, coastal roads with the money to escape, and he's being pursued. This looks a lot like the opening sequence of Quantum of Solace, actually, there's tunnels, it might be the tunnels along Lake Cuomo. Maybe.

Lake Cuomo? Lake Cuomo. The fuck? Wait, what's it called? It's Lake Cuomo, you're thinking of, you're thinking of Andrew Cuomo. Lake Cuomo, oh, I'm sorry, I'm thinking. You're thinking of Andrew Cuomo. Lake Como? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm thinking Andrew Cuomo. Sorry.

I wish I had any Andrew Cuomo bits in the fucking tank for this, but I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he mishandle COVID? I don't know. Yeah, sure. Yeah, when Andrew Cuomo killed all those stuntmen. Anyway, at this point, he drives into the tunnel where we meet a white E-type Jaguar, the most beautiful car in the world.

Oh my god, this is the car that I want. And also, we meet the most beautiful woman in the entire world. And this tall, blonde, stacked, ten out of ten woman, I've made a note here that says, she looks like Kim Petras if she was a little bit older. Yes. This is Ava Kant. I'm obsessed with this woman's jawline. Yes. Well, so Kim Petras is my- oh, you meant the actor. Okay, sorry.

Yeah. Marissa Mell, again, like incredibly beautiful. I was gonna say, like, Kim Petras and I are the same age, but she looks about like 17, just because, I dunno, she has the rich people surgery that makes it okay. Keeping track of this. Uh huh. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. But that's why Dr. Luke keeps working with her. Anyway, so, they switch cars, and fool the surveillance helicopter, right, because they're

leaving in a white E-type, and they're like, but what? Cause cops are, like, it's a comic book, so the cops have to be dumb. Yeah. He crashes his black E-type off a cliff to jump in them and I'm like, noooo! I know, the number of E-types in the world decreased by one, because of this film. He's got triples. Don't even worry about it. Triples is best.

Kind of worth it. Triples makes it safe. He has it back later! He takes his mask off and his haircut is utterly fucked though, which is... It's true. GARETH Before he does, he's changed into a black mask here, and the mask is really, in particular the print that I saw was really quite high resolution, right, so you could see how uncomfortably wet this rubber was in place, it looks horrid,

and she full force kisses him on the mouth slits, and it's really like... ALICE The rubber mouth. Yeah. ALICE Aww, it's uncomfortable. I'm having a bad sensory time with that, y'know? ALICE They're having a great time with it though, because that's what their kink is, they're all about the materials.

ALICE That's true. That's true. Materials maxing. ALICE Yeah, yeah. He's getting cubed after this, it'll be fine. ALICE And they have... they go to the Batcave. He has a Batcave! ALICE Oh, the matte painting of this fucking layer

is beautiful. ALICE Oh my god! Yes! Yeah, the Batcave is so good, this is when I thought this is just Speed Racer, but done in the 60s. Because like, it's primarily car based, and as he enters through the kind of carport, you see that he has like, fucking 60 E-types parked in back, so he can just go through like...

He has like, more than triples, he can go through E-types for heists if he needs to, which is a really fun detail. And the whole thing is a kind of like, Thunderbirds-esque underground cave thing, with like, you say like a huge beautiful matte painting, so it looks like it extends out the fucking ever. Mhmm. Just incredible. Might not say, Macanon chicks in my jaguar wiggler. Yep, it does wiggle his jaguar.

Look, so while the jaguar is being wiggled, they're making out, and like, taking, he's taking some of his gimp suit off. He kisses her arm a lot? Which is an interesting technique. He does, yeah. Not typically considered one of the foremost Orochinous Schina sons, but I would go for it, man. It can be. It's not where I'd start, but yeah.

While they're kissing, I do wanna say this goes on for like fifteen or twenty minutes. An unbelievably long scene. That is just like, him walking around his house, just getting pussy basically. Yeah. Yeah, it's from an era of movies where they felt like in order to keep the audience's interest and attention you had to do like 15 minutes of makeout sesh. As opposed to now where we're like, is this sexy necessary for the plot?

This one is absolutely not necessary for the plot. RILEY It's in there. The movie's better. ALICE It's in so you'll keep watching the movie. Yeah. ALICE Yeah. It's necessary to have fun. RILEY It holds in so you'll keep watching the movie. Yeah. ALICE Yeah. It's necessary to have fun. RILEY It holds every set for his base.

All of the sets are incredible, they've got these massive 60s style comic book big computers, so it's just buttons and beeping noises and the lights. ALICE He has a little random dome isolated for his girlfriend to hang out in, to get Dome leave. The girl dome. Finally. I'm always getting girl domes. To the girl dome!

If anyone needs me I'll be in the girl dome. It's genuinely like they gave Ken Adams some Italian mescalate. It's really... It's the kind of grandiosity of the, I don't know if that's a word, of the early bond sets, but like, tweaked slightly to add strangeness, you know? But she gets out of the car, she says, don't be long, she goes straight upstairs and gets naked immediately. Because like, they're gonna fuck, they've just done the heist and now it's time to fuck.

He puts the cash in his big, like, cash safe? Yeah, incredibly intricate prop work here, that he prop work here. He has like a kind of electrified dial situation to open the safe, that's just like, really, it's really good. ZACH I thought this was gonna be important later, but it's not, don't worry about it, it's just to be cool. ALICE This whole movie, whether it's simultaneously wearing leather and rubber, or designing a kind of like, pre-LED light-up dial for your safe, is very textural, you know?

ALICE I also like that they shower before they have sex. They both shower. They have separate his and hers showers. ALICE Some of the funniest privacy arrangements in their shower, because... ZACH It's a single frosted circle, like halfway up the wall.

ALICE It looks great, I love it! Like a coloured frosted circle, like halfway up the wall. It looks great, I love it! Like a colored frosted circle, yeah. The frosted circle, which is covering directly the tits, pussy, and nothing else, it's perfectly measured in diameter. It's not like frosted glass, it's just like perspex that's hanging down from the ceiling. Yep. I like it. It's incredible, is the thing.

It's crazy. It's so filmic, if you know what I mean. Like celluloid is also a texture. And I just say things like this sometimes, I don't know what I mean by that. His shower also has the fucking glass-like sphere, but it's slightly higher up, so it only needs to cover the balls. Just... his and hers. My notes say us when the Patreon comes in.

This is basically true, yeah. Week one. Three separate showers. Each with its different, like, aspects. It doesn't matter if we're all in the ice soup though. Well no, cause also at this point, they have an enormous rotating bed. It's the size of a fucking field. The bed is fucking colossal.

The bed is monolithic, it's crazy how big the rotating bed is. ZACH They put ten million dollars worth of cash on the bed and they fuck in a big pile of money. ALICE It's got like sixteen pillows of varying shapes, and it rotates. ZACH It rotates around a central pillar. It's like a bed shaped like the letter O, it's ridiculous. The bed that fucking defies the Coriolis effect, like, what is the point of this? Is he like, a sniper, is he having to account for the Earth's rotation when he's fucking?

It's so unnecessary, and that makes it so... Bit of long distance relationships, but... The central pillar looks like the fuckin' pile of radios in the Tate Modern as well, it's just like, going right around the middle here. TORR It's so cool. ALICE No, it whiffs, it's so sick. Like, throughout this we're getting cuts of a different scene that is happening, where the sort of... where Zenergada is talking to the Minister of the Interior, who's played

by Terry Thomas. Fucking amazing. TORR Yes. Yes. The thing is, right, me and Terry Thomas write Toothgap Solidarity, first of all, but second of all, it makes me a bit sad when I see him, because like... RILEY Toothgap Solidarity. ALICE I don't know if you can say that in the world, but...

ALICE But, like, it's kind of sad biographical details, you know, about the end of his career, so like, don't stop... RILEY Really? ALICE Yeah, like, it died absolutely impoverished. Don't stop listening to podcasts. RILEY Oh no! ALICE It's really sad, like, don't stop- really? Yeah, like, it died absolutely impoverished. Don't stop listening to podcasts. Oh no! It was really sad, like, genuinely. What did they spend it all on?

Which just didn't get much in the first place. I have no idea is the thing, like, I just, mm. One of Britain's most beloved comedians. Yeah, just- Yeah, this is the thing, like, there's very little retirement plan for comedians, so don't stop listening to the podcasts. I will say this, Terry Thomas fucking nails this scene as well. He's so good. Because like, neither Diabolic nor Eva have spoken at all in this past scene.

The only person we've heard speak is Jinko, right? And so now we have Jinko, Jinko's boss, and Terry Thomas. And Terry Thomas does, if you haven't seen him, he's just kinda very mannered, he plays like a lot of upper class English roles, right. Kind of like, twit kind of vibes. ALICE Almost like King John from the Robin Hood movie, he's like, ah-ha! Yes.

That kind of vibe. RILEY It's vigorous, clear, sighted action. And he keeps looking straight at the camera as well, which I've gotta just believe was a choice, but like, really good. ALICE Yeah. Yeah. And it's striking, I think. RILEY Yeah, it's really good. ALICE Yeah. Yeah. And it's striking, I think. RILEY Yeah, it's really good.

DARREN And he gives a press conference to the nation. He's like, in response to the theft of the ten million dollars, his majesty's government- ALICE Wait, wait, wait, we're skipping ahead, we're skipping ahead. Because in this scene he's like, you know, where are these fuckers, what are they doing right now? And Jinko's like, ah, I dunno, the amount, you know, what he could be doing with a hundred million dollars we can't even conceive of, what he could be doing with a hundred million dollars we can't even conceive of, and what he's doing with a hundred million dollars as we cut back

is fucking his girlfriend on the hundred million dollars. Yeah. On the big rotating bed, like it pans across, it's like spread all over the room on his like fucking... It's like, that's so unhygienic! Like, just to be like, oh this hundred dollar bill has, come on. Yeah. On all of his like polygonal lamps, like, all over the fucking ground. Afterwards you have to fish all of the hundred dollar bills out of the bed, and it's got

like infinity nooks and crannies and you'd be pulling like, hundred dollar bills out of there for the rest of your life, it's obscene. It's not that unhygienic, I dunno. I mean, it's for the cash, you know, you have to spend that. Yeah, that's true. Just, like, mm. Anyway. Bit so.

Yeah, they're having sex in a massive pile of money, and then it cuts back to, I believe the press conference is after that. Yeah, cause Terry Thomas is like, I have to do a press conference, we're gonna catch this guy. And Social Experiment Number Two is deployed. Well guess what, we're bringing back the death penalty, because we're gonna fucking kill Danger Diabolic, I'm sick of this cunt. I'm sick of this cunt, you know? I don't love that this is a thing that governments sometimes do in real life, but I do like that

it's a thing they'll sometimes do in fiction, it's like, alright, this guy's annoyed me too much, execution is back on the table. We're not woke anymore. He says, he uses an interesting expression where he says, we've temporarily restored the death penalty to deal with the socially sick, which I thought was an interesting turn of phrase. And then he, then he goes, as a temporary measure, of course. And we see that the danger diabolic and Ava are in the crowd. And at this point, the this point the film really fucking takes off. Yeah, this is good as shit.

Because he's preparing something, he's preparing a vial, and on the side of it... It's hopefully labeled. It says, exhilarating gas! Yeah. We're on the exhilarating gas. There's a... I'm smoking that exhilarating gas, Batman. There's two perfect...

There's a perfect one-two joke here, right. The Norsk Stink washing my grinder, Batman. No, the key... There's a perfect one-two Batman joke here, right, a Batman-like original series joke, where it shows... Yeah, West stuff. Yeah. Exhilarating gas, and then a little sort of pillbox of anti-exhilarating gas capsules. Really good.

For him and Ava. The movie has my heart in its hand at this point, I'm charmed. Him and Ava take the anti-exhilarating gas capsules, and he doses everyone in the room with the gas by way of using a Hasselblad camera to take photos of everyone, and the flashbulb lets out a little bit of gas each time. ALICE And they all start laughing, it's the Joker guy, they all start laughing at Terry Thomas. ALICE It's true.

ALICE He's pranking them. ALICE The thing I really like is Zenegata holding himself back for longer while his boys are absolutely losing it, and he's just like, no, be serious, we have to be serious, and then cracks up as well, it's great. So actually really well acted. Yeah, fucking Michael Picholi, like, really phenomenally good job as this guy. And Terry Thomas too, like, they end this scene with a close-up of his face as he's trying to keep it together and failing, and he absolutely sells the fuck out of this,

with just the face. It's great. And then in the next scene, Xenogata has gone to see his boss, the chief of police, and he says, I want to resign, I don't wanna chase you to death anymore, I quit, I'm out, I'm done. The minister, Terry Thomas, he just resigned, so I don't wanna be part of it anymore. And the chief of police says, no, you're not gonna do do that. But I'm going to give you special powers now. Police powers, not like flight, give you that compound V.

ALICE It's like this and Dave the Jackal in a weird like handshake meme to be like, what if we just gave the police like unlimited powers? Actually a thing with like all police movies in some sense. So he's like, fine, I'm going to wage a war against crime. And the war against crime montage is just really good. First of all you get a bunch of newspapers, like, spinning newspapers, that tell you that there's one mob boss kingpin in town.

VALMONT. VALMONT. Yeah. Who owns everything. And we see that Jinko is making war on him, by virtue of him drawing red marker lines on maps, and then they get filled in with cop activities, it's really... Yeah. He's reclaiming areas of the map, he's climbing radio towers, he's unlocking gang territories.

Mmhm. And then, but they go, okay, well there's one club that's engaged in narcotics, we gotta raid the place. What a club. What's happening in this club? What's happening in there, November? There are, there- I mean, first of all you gotta take the first big box, which is women dancing listlessly in a cage.

Women in cage A. Yep. You got a woman lying perfectly still, covered in shrubbery. The entire floor appears to be bubble wrap textured. Yep. A naked woman is playing a giant glockenspiel? Yep. So, twink with a guitar.

You have a spliff, a sort of a marijuana cigarette being passed down, not in a circle, but down a line, which is very strange, but makes for a great tracking shot as it goes through all these faces. Really good, yeah. Like I said, it's actually really inven-sively... It's really competently done, yeah. Yeah. Just, I've never seen a nightclub like this, need to find out where this is.

It's incredible, right? And so much of the direction and the photography of this is made by Italian guys who are making Giallo movies, or like, Eurospy movies, and I just think, like, the guy who directed this, Mario Bava, right, was an expert at making stuff look like this on the cheap, and I just think, imagine if you had handed this guy American money, y'know? The movies you could have gotten out of him besides this would be incredible. But so, also, maybe going completely insane, but I swear down one of the women in this weed club looks

trans to me, which is counting that as progressive representation. Yeah. I'm with you. I mean, there's a hint later on, which I want to pick up on, but... The immediate ten cops step into the frame, and everyone just goes like, oh. They raid the giant. I should also say, this has successfully made drugs look so cool. Like, this could single-handedly reverse drug education in schools, it could be like, just

fuckin' do drugs, they're great, you get to hang out with a bunch of cool people. You wanna try some drugs? This is the opposite of dare, you know, you just show them this and they're like, wow, this looks cool as hell. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. So this one we cut to Valmont, who's on his yacht, right, but because the film has a budget of like,

five pence, the yacht is just like, a small fishing boat. It's like, crowded on there. He's got like, girls on the yacht who are sunbathing, and they don't have a lot of room, like they're lying over each other, it's not a big set. ALICE Who is Valmont? ALICE Well first, and before we answer that question, I really like that we introduce it with the girls first, who are lying around in bikinis, and they're complaining that like, he's like too busy doing mob shit. I think one of them says this

is such a waste of us. And I really like that, weirdly it gives them more agency than any of the like set dressing bikini women in Bond movies. Yeah. They're just like, we just have to lounge around because like, this guy's too busy doing crimes. These are the women who would be like, in the swimming pool, and indeed are later on, like in the Bond movie where like, this guy's too busy doing crimes. SONIA These are the women who would be in the swimming pool and indeed are later on, like in the Bond movie where Caroline Cossie is getting clocked by Amazon X-Ray, right? ALICE I would hate to get clocked by Amazon X-Ray. But yeah, yeah it is.

SONIA Yeah, me too. Actually, yeah. No doubt it'll happen at some point. RILEY Ungainly, son. ALICE Like, this is bullshit, why are we just lying around? And then, then Valmont enters. And Valmont is.

Drum roll, please. Dev, who is it? Valmont is fucking Adolfo Celli, baby. It's fucking, um, oh my god, who is he? Emilio Largo! Yeah, sorry, I just remember him as, I remember him primarily from his role as the villain in Okay Connery, which I see him in the Bonfire and I'm like, oh, it's Adolfo Celli.

He's like a four time returning champ, so he was in Okay Connery, he was in Thunderball, he's done something else. What was that, just when we did Thunderball again? We might have re-Thunderballed. But it's Adolfo fucking Celli and he's back and he is sadly dubbed. But the dub is good.. But the dub is good. ALICE Yeah, the dub is good. He's chatting to one of his other mob friends and he says, eh, what flowers do you want

me to order for your funeral, Frank? Which I think is a great line. He's got a bunch like these. ALICE A man with an accent too thick for them not to dub in English, which is a real shame. I would have preferred it almost to have like an incomprehensible Sicilian accent in this. RILEY Just like Amazon subtop pops up just incomprehensible all the time.

ALICE Just like, what? RILEY Huh? It's okay. ALICE Instead it's kind of like just generic mobster, you know, but it's still fairly well done, you know? RILEY So he gets the message from one of his goons that his nightclub with the giant glockenspiel has been raided by the cops, and he's pissed off, so he makes a phone call to Inspector Zanagata.

Yes, who is at that moment slamming a mint julep, it's worth saying, he's drinking it like a coke, just... It's fucking rock. Middle of the day. Yeah. ALICE The little button on my desk. ZEHNIGARD And he's holding a burger the entire time this scene. Like, we're not... Zenigard is holding a burger this whole scene, it's just very funny.

But they're on the phones, like, I call you with regards to law and order, you know. We want you to fucking get Diabolic. SONIA Yeah, so we're gonna make a deal. Either we smash your criminal empire and you're gonna go to jail and then get the death penalty. And execute you, yeah. We will kill your ass, by the way. So don't worry, you're gonna spend five days in jail and then you're gonna be fucking hanged. Or, you can get me Danger Diabolic alive, cause it takes a thief to catch a thief.

Already I'm compelled, this is a great bit. Cool, great. Great, love that this is the plot of the film, don't get attached, it's gonna be abandoned in about 40 minutes. It's the plot of part of the film. He's like, I gotta shift modes of transport here. I gotta go from my boat set to my plane set, and I gotta gather my boys. It's like, alright, let me get my fellas together on the plane.

Let me get the heads of the five families together in my plane. And of course this is a kind of a touch your hand to the metal plate situation, but it's done in so much funnier a way, because what happens is, off screen, they've done the vote that they're trying to do. Right? Yeah, he puts it to them, and they take like a democratic vote on it, and he's like, yeah. He's like, alright, we were like seven to three, right? ALICE Yeah, it's the carried unanimously joke from

Death of Stalin, taken a step further, right, where he's got two votes against him, and it just fucking shoots both of them. RILEY He's got three votes against him, he shoots one of them and misses the third guy, and he goes, whoa whoa whoa, I changed my mind, I changed my mind, it's fine, you know what, I'm actually all about this. And he goes like, he's like, oh my god, he's like, since, since you fucking said please, I won't shoot, and it hits the trapdoor button beneath him, it just drops him out of the plane. DB Cooper's ass.

Bam. Perfect. Perfect. And then just to put the like, the cherry on the scene, one of his girls comes in like Marilyn Monroe's with the plane trapdoor, like her dress is being blown up by it, so it's like, okay, we're all agreed, we're gonna try and capture Diabolic now. RILEY Yeah, they throw the extra two guys out of the plane as well, and it's like, beautiful, alright, unanimous, let's go, we're gonna

get Diabolic. Perfect scene! ALICE We go back to Diabolic, right, his girlfriend Eva is wearing an absolutely insane piece of jewelry, by the way. RILEY So, actually, shit, I just, I wanna highlight this as well, cause I always tend to... ALICE Oh god. RILEY When they drop him out of the plane it's

a dummy, and they hold on it for just long enough, but it's really, really funny. It's like a guy fucking T-posing as he falls out of the sky. Always wonderful. ALICE Dummies getting dropped or thrown off of things. RILEY Genuinely, it's my favorite genre, so much. ALICE A kind of supercut of this very badly. Like... We don't recognise the hard work of dummy actors enough.

We don't. That's true. They go to dummy drama school for years and they give good performances. Yeah, they did great in The Duke of Burgundy. Awful. When is there gonna be an Oscar for best dummy actor? Before there's one for trans people, I bet.. BEST USE OF A DUMMY? They should do it. They should do more weird Oscar categories. Yes! BEST USE OF A DUMMY? I love that!

Just to encourage people to do weird shit. Drop from a trap door directly onto the stage. Most surprising moment in a film. He gets fucking gibby. Just... ALICE Most surprising moment in a film. RILEY It gets fucking gibby, it just... Um. Anyway, then we're back to Diabolic, and he is still lounging in a big bed. ALICE You could bring the dummy out on stage and

like give it the... It's actually so much fun. RILEY We are 35 minutes into the movie thus far, and all Diabolic has done is hang out in the bed. ALICE It's been like, banger, banger, banger. Yeah, and he has said nothing this whole time. His girlfriend is there, wearing an insane ring, it's like a ring and then like a fucking Christmas tree bauble on top of it.

RILEY Yeah, her dress as well is just like a black dress coated in little eyelets, like little metal shoes. ALICE So nice. RILEY Like when you put a lace through. SONIA It's like some Dolls Kill shit, she looks phenomenal. RILEY She looks so so good. SONIA But anyway, they hear on the news that the British Finance Minister is visiting the country of

Europe. In Glitterley, where we are? Japan in Glitterley of the States. It's comic book world, you know? Yeah. The British Finance Minister is visiting comic book land on the 5th, and this is like the first time Diabolic speaks, he says to Ava like, oh your birth is on the 6th, right? What do you want?

And the news report says, the minister's wife will be wearing the beautiful, famous emerald necklace, which is worth like a bazillion bazillion dollars, and it'll get like a nice... ALICE So it's like heist-ass TV news, to be like, and here today our most stealable thing is. SONIA Yeah. And she says, I want that necklace for my birthday. And he's like, okay. I really like that as like a sort of an artifact of genre.

And I go, oh that's perfect, it's like such a comic book thing, so you know, the thing that you announce is, oh, you know, the largest diamond in the world is on display at a Gotham museum, right? Mmhm. There is actually more to it, as we find out later, which is great. I love that his motivation for stealing this is, I wanna get my girlfriend a lovely present. Yeah. Well he does kinda make her work for it, too.

They're a team, you know? That's true. That's true. He has her, like, stake the place out, in disguise as a sex worker, and then picks her up, he cruises her and picks her up, so this is also kind of erotic roleplay that they're doing. LIAM Yeah, definitely. ALICE Between themselves. SONIA Yeah, this is fuckin' horny as shit.

But the minister's staying in this castle, I've never seen sex workers picking people up outside of a fucking castle before, maybe I should visit more castles. Anyway. Maybe the sex workers I know just don't hang out outside castles. So she says, so the inspector, the inspector's in there. He's waiting for you. It must be some kind of trap. And he's like, oh, wow, cool. Like it. And then we go to Valmont and one of his bikini girls

has also been working as a sex worker and she tells Valmont there was a girl outside the castle earlier, who definitely is not a pro. ALICE Yeah, genuinely! Yeah. She was shit. I like that she just like is like, oh yeah, no, I know this business, and she just isn't like doing a very good job of disguising herself. Yeah.

Yeah. It's genuinely really good, and so, obviously... Well, let's get a positive idea on this last, you've seen, you know, Diabolics Girl. You've seen Diabolics Girlfriend, no one knows what she looks like. Fucking, what film has used the identigraph in? So they used the identigraph. Couldn't fucking tell you with a million years, but they do use the identigraph. It's, um, Fiori's only.

Is it? It's got the fucking guy. It's definitely Roger Moore, but like, there's about a million of them. Yeah, this is true. It's the guy, why don't you use the identigraph, he's the bad guy in a recent movie that we did. If we could identify that someone, why don't you try the identigraph? So he says, why don't you try the identigraph, and the identigraph is literally a kind of

like police e-fit thing. Yeah, it's like a sort of Etch A Sketch. Dress Barbie up. E-fit. Really cool. Yeah, and the end result is, like, the comic book character, which is a fun kind of in-joke. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's quite funny, because the note that I've made is that the end result is, like,

a drawing of Eva that's incredibly clockey? Also true. A very strong jawline, yeah. 60s Italian pulp comics liked their women clockey. The chin on her cartoon counterpart, like, if somebody drew me with that kind of chin I'd be like slightly insulted, but then again I did like, I did go out of my way to not have that chin. Yeah.

Like I say, the jawline on Marissa Mell was like, very strong. The identigraph using montage as well is so 60s, it's so well done. Like it just like little animated section as it like cuts through the different kinds of women that are like forming into each other and then it ends up as her. I really create a way to do it, um, considering that they basically just needed to be like, I saw her and I could recognize her. Like it could have been a much more boring scene, but it wasn't. I like it a lot. For sure. I get another moment that raised my eyebrows, because Valmont summons a doctor, and says,

do you recognize this woman, is she one of your patients? And he says, my patients count on me for a degree of discretion. And I'm like, what what kinda doctor is this guy? Let's not worry about it. Another one of Adolfocelli's, one of Valmont's girls here is wearing a dress that's entirely comprised of PVC red triangles. Oh my god. Great.

Fantastic. Fucking incredible, literally no two ways about it. She supports her maths. Yeah. They're all upward facing though, so. She does a handstand, she'll support her maths. Yeah. They're all upward facing though, so. She does a handstand, she'll support her maths. But like, what kind of doctor is that? I mean, that could be like plastic surgery, that could be like abortion, that could be

transgender? Could be gender, you know? There is a strange clinic. It's a hundred percent canon that she's trans. I'd go ahead and say that. Yes. Yep. I will say strongly and say that. ALICE Yes. Yep. Mmhmm.

ALICE I will say strongly that this makes it a movie about being transgender. This is, like, strong transgender representation. ALICE This is about how, if you're dating a trans girl you should get her a present. That's what we're saying. RILEY Exactly. ALICE And that present should be generated primarily through crime.

RILEY One hundred percent through crime. Big rotating bet. ALICE Do you have trans girlfriend present? That's what we're saying. Someone give me a present, I want a present. Watch the news, and when they do the here's the most stealable item in your vicinity segment, you go and you steal her that item. They basically never do that anymore on the news, it's so fucked up.

I know, I know. I've never had sex on top of a hundred million dollars, like, I don't... we're all fucking getting screwed over here, right? Like, things used to be better. Every item on the news is stealable if you're brave enough. That is true. You should be able to go to the bank and just be like, give me all of the money, and I'll bring it back to you tomorrow, I'm just gonna go and have sex on top of it. Like, I just wanna see what it would be like. I tried, and they said, I'm sorry, we actually lent it out to someone else for the day. You

have to, there's a wait list. I'm still on the waiting list to borrow all of the bank's money to have sex on. You can have the silver! No one ever wants the silver, you gold, everyone wants the gold. No one ever wants the silver. Unfortunately someone like jumps the gun and mentions that the girl might be Diabolik's girlfriend and this doctor fucking clams the fuck up immediately. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Oh, and at this point Adolfocelli has a great line, because the doctor says, I don't know

who this woman is, and Adolfocelli says, hey, San Francisco dropped you out of the medical register, but if you're lying, I'll drop you out of the human register! And I'm like, yeah! Yeah, you wanna get struck off? Also like, the mention of like, you were in A, San Francisco, and B, or like, not a legit doctor, I'm like, transgender? RILEY 100% probably. ALICE 1 million percent transgender.

RILEY Yeah. Fully canon. ALICE Back at the castle, back at the ranch, we see that Jinko is like, I'm so glad I made the news do that, the most stealable item in your vicinity segment. Which I really like as a way of tying up the thing, so it's not just a genre thing, you know, it's him sort of baiting a trap. Yeah. Yeah.

See, he's doing great Zenegada stuff, like he's really undergoing strong Zenegadification. Yeah. Yeah. I think he starts in a sort of a very advanced stage of... We saw, like, him start at the beginning in full zenigartification, because he's already obsessed with his one guy. He's already got the one guy, he's already doing massive, expensive diversions entirely to distract one guy.

He's got the trench coat, he just needs the hat. He's absolutely zenigart-y, yeah. So he has like a hundred cops around, all dressed as footmen, armed with submachine guns, and he takes the British ambassador and his wife and he puts them in a bedroom and he's like, right, leave the necklace on this centrally placed table and we'll be monitoring it and you'll be fine. I love this castle, it's so- I wanna live in a castle. It's a bit, uh, like the Lupin thing, it's a bit... Kaliostra, to be honest. RILEY It is, yeah.

Mm, it is. ALICE And, obviously, to get into this castle at night, Diabolic picks the sort of, like, most camouflaged option, which is a white leather sneaking jacket. RILEY Which he swaps into from his black leather sneaking outfit. ALICE So few of my outfits are sneaking outfits! RILEY He's wearing a fully black sneaking outfit to get to the base of the building, and the building is white, so he swaps it to the white one to go up it.

I think we can really establish quite strongly for rubbery season the concept of the sneaking outfit, because it occurs to me that it happens again in layer cake, quite strongly. And also, I'm now having trouble with how little of my wardrobe is comprised of sneaking outfits. I've got basically no sneaking outfits, all of my wardrobe is designed to draw attention to me, which would be absolutely deleterious in the case of needing to sneak. You have sort of a tank vibe there, you know? Yeah, well a lot of them are tanks as well, yeah.

So he's got, like, suction cups. And in quite, like, painstakingly shown. Really complex suction cups, yeah. ALICE So, he's got, like, suction cups. And in, quite, like, painstakingly shown. RILEY Really complex suction cups, too. ALICE It's got, like, a three point detachment thing, to, like, walk himself up the wall of this castle. SONIA At this point, he does actually commit several murders. ALICE Yeah.

SONIA Because he doesn't use gas to knock the guards out, he uses throwing knives, like, he kills these guys. RILEY He kills these guards, yeah. SONIA He, like, commits three murders, and I'm like, whoa, okay. His morally grey is danger diabolic. Yeah. Yeah. They don't call him safety diabolic.

Apparently a lot more morally grey and straight up anti-hero in the comics as well. But yeah, he does straight up kill people. Yeah, he does. The worst bit is the first one, right, because he gets out of the water in his sneaking outfit, and he looks like the Somerset Gimp. He, like, sort of a wet gimp just pounces on you, y'know? It's horrible. Yeah.

I would hate to get pounced on by, really, a gimp of any wetness, but like, I think... I ask if the gimp is creepy or wet. It's both! It's always both! Yeah, he's both. Yeah, I've seen cruising. Delubric the gimp is creepy or wet. ALICE It's both! It's always both! ZACH Yeah, he's both. So, anyways, I'll have that. ALICE Yeah, I've seen cruising. ZACH Delubricated gimp. ALICE Oh god.

ALICE Well, you don't want an un-lubricated gimp, do you? ALICE No. ZACH That's the worst part, is that you can't, like, grapple him back, cause he's too slippery. ALICE Really, the gimp suit is a sort of, like, effective method of self-defense and camouflage in this situation. Yeah, I mean, listen, he's an expert, he knows what he's doing. He dressed himself as under the Gimp for a reason.

I can't read my handwriting in the next note, so I don't know what fucking happens next. He takes a Polaroid picture of the room the necklace is in, and then puts that picture over the camera that's hidden in the painting, so it looks like nothing's there. Pulls out one of those huge ass Polaroids. Oh yeah. SONIA Yeah, the cops burst in and the necklace is gone! RILEY Perfect.

Just absolutely spot on stuff. SONIA Mmm. Instead of going out the window the way he came in, which you think he would, he runs through the castle, they chase him, there's gunshots. ALICE Yeah, he gets detected off screen, which is a really funny choice as well, to be the kind of... he has failed the stealth sequence. Before we get there we have a long chase scene up the world's, sort of, the spiral staircase

with the wobbliest handrail in the world, and- Yeah, dangerous looking. Yeah, and like you say, it's not health and safety diabolic, but like, I'm genuinely concerned for the actors, they're running at this thing and it's about to fucking snap off and send them plummeting to their deaths. But, he gets to the roof, and as you say, there is a catapult there, it's like a fucking manganelle type situation. And he fires his gimp suit into the ocean.

Perfect. So that they think he's used it to escape. The sentences that this work makes us say! Every day it's a new fucking sentence. He uses a castle vault to fire his gift suit off the castle battlements into the ocean. There's so few circumstances in which you would get to say the right thing. What was it that said that? Like someone's just been activated, like...

Yeah, you don't listen to this podcast if you are like a sleeper agent because we'll probably stumble onto the code phrase at some point but it's a trick he doesn't fire himself kill joe biden no you don't they don't need to no because these the cops bust open the door just in time to see the airborne gimp suit descending into the lake and they're like oh my god he went into the lake get him which means that they have now been outsmarted by a totally naked man because Diabolik is just blind. I'm hoping he's got like another black one under the white one. I think he does because we got to him in his e-type jaguar he's got another black e-type

jaguar by the way and he's wearing clothes again. He's with Ava at this point, and they're driving away from the castle. ALICE Yeah, it doesn't fucking matter, cause they get seen again! They just have a fucking helicopter! LIAM Another perfect fire dummy here, I'm just rewatching the suit getting trepidated off the building, it's yet another incredible use of a dummy. Yeah. They had that dummy they were gonna make absolute use of it.

Tossing that motherfucker around. They're like, we're gonna get the Oscar for best use of a dummy. I got a question here which is, if you had to sit down as a screenwriter and devise the funniest possible way to kill two cops. How long would it take you to come up with what he does next? He does some wily coyote shit. Because they're being, they get spotted, they're being followed by cops, he pulls over, it turns out he's got a massive folding mirror attached to the bottom of his E-type, which is like, that'd be so heavy, and like the e-type dagger would just not have the ground clearance to make this possible, but

he like unfolds this entire like, it's the width of the road, it's like an unfolding picnic blanket, but it's like massive and it's got mirrors on it, and then these two cops just like, they think there's a car coming as they drive into it and just swim off a cliff and fucking explode. Yeah. Genius. Incredible. I love comic books. I love movies made about comic books sometimes.

It's amazing. We were so fucking stupid for making comic book movies any more serious than this. This is 100% peak. They need to put Danger Diabolic in The Avengers. This is the shit that Robert Pattinson should be doing as Batman. Let us direct Danger Diabolic Marvel, please. We'll put it in phase seven or whatever, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll get to do it, but only if we can cast Robert Downey Jr. as Diabolic. ALICE & JARED LAUGH ALICE & JARED Robert Downey Jr. trebuchetting his clothes. SONIA Young Robert Downey Jr. as Danger Diabolic? Would've been good casting. RILEY Well, DA, Jim, yeah. ALICE The guy who's actually Danger Diabolic is, um, John Philip Law, doesn't make much of an impression, doesn't talk, like, zzzz. It's fine, doesn't need to do a lot.

SONIA Yeah, he's we slick back out, yeah. He's in a bunch of movies of this kind of thing, he was in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, like, he was also in Barbaraleh at the same time as in this, so. Hell yeah, man. Fair enough. I guess that's one way you can save time on directing two movies at the same time, is if they have the same cast. Does Eva straight up get kidnapped next?

I don't recall. No, she gets slightly injured in some way, so she has to go to her doctor the next day. She like hurts her arm having to like move the mirror. Her fit is a black pencil skirt, white sleeveless top, white clutch, and white leather driving gloves. Woof. Indeed.

It's the gloves that really set it off, like, the accessories are beautiful. It's y'know, Coco Chanel, Nazi bitch that she was, was completely wrong. Before leaving the house, put two things on. Yeah. Also, make one of them a white E-type jacket. Also true. But as she's filling up the white E-type jacket, a guy spots her and it's like, yo, that's fuckin'...

Because, like, Emilio Lago- It's Kim Petrus, but looking slightly older? Yeah, has put out the APB on her, to, the kind of mob APB. And so he calls it in and follows her to her doctor, where she's like- He's informed of this APB, because he's in a, he's lounging in a pool, with this massive great pool float in front of him, upon which is an entire charcuterie board, he's got a full bottle of talisker, he's got two bunches of bananas on there. ALICE No one has ever done it like this.

RILEY The floating charcuterie board! It's like eye-shaped so he can be in between the little... It's so good! Incredible, man! RILEY Like, capital letter I. Yeah. ALICE There are kinds of luxury in this movie we hadn't even conceived of. I feel like my dad would hear the phrase floating charcuterie board and just be so happy.

It's so good. I'm so happy. It's incredible. But so he's like, fine, I gotta leave my charcuterie. And go to this- Fully like, on this thing. Go to this doctor. Yeah, yeah. So she's like, I hurt my arm and I'm not very happy to this- Fully like, on this thing. Go to this doctor.

So she's like, I hurt my arm and I'm not very happy with the shape of my jaw, can you do a revision? And he's like, tell you what, I'll get the nurse to put you on the wiggler. Yeah, so she goes in and says my arm's been hurt, and the doctor says, first of all, after today don't come back here, cause you're burned. Not like, literally, you're burned in the spy sense, right? I hate it when the GICI.C. told me that. Yeah, you're like transgender burned.

Tell me about it. We'll get there. And then, the treatment for, I've hurt my arm, is, okay, we need you to get absolutely buck naked. Yep. And then a hot nurse is gonna give you a back massage. And that's gonna sort your arm out. What kind of private healthcare do you have to apply for, like...

I see why this guy lost his license in San Francisco, actually. This doesn't really make a ton of sense. Is this like, Bupa? Or like, AXA? Cause like, where do I... This is the kind of shit that's making like, Menchus Moldberg furious and saying we need to have a king to stop woke doctors giving hot women massages. We need to have a king who's entirely supposed to like, make doctors give hot women massages. There should We need to have a king who's entirely supposed to make doctors give hot women massages.

There should be more of this. ALICE This is true. ALICE And someone comes in to try to kill her. One of his, like, assassins that we've seen around. SONIA Valmont appears too, and he murders the doctor by shooting the letter V into him with a machine gun, which I'm like... ALICE There was an X, I think he was crossing him off the general...

ALICE Ooh, hold on, I'll just double check here. Either is extremely cool, to be clear. It's V-shaped, it's V-shaped. Which, even sicker. Fuck, okay. He's got a whole bit, yeah. Damn, he's got a lot of facial prosthesis for this. Um, anyway, yeah, yeah. Sorry. The other thing Valmont has, when we cut back to his lair, is he has a gold lame phone? RILEY He does. ALICE Aww. So good. RILEY We see him kill this doctor and then it like, hard cuts to Valmont, slamming a glass of whiskey and it pulls back and he's waiting

in front of this gold phone with a woman dressed in fully gold bikini pacing back and forth in front of him as well. This guy lives! ALICE This guy knows how to live. ALICE Yeah, making your girl dress to match your phone. Like, what are you doing, man? He's got a lilac belt on as well, he's really nice. Oh my god.

So he calls up Diabolic, and he's like, I... Other way around, Diabolic calls him. Diabolic's like, alright, motherfucker. And doesn't say anything, and Valmorn is like, okay, if you wanna see Ava alive again, I want ten million dollars, and I want you to throw in that emerald necklace. And Danger Diabolic, credit to him, supportive boyfriend of his transgender baddie, says, yep, no problem.

He cooperates immediately. RILEY It's nice to see Valmont lead from the front as well, by showing up. ALICE True. There's some sexual threat here too, cause he says, I've got a couple of experts in dealing with women here, which, if you just purely read it at face value is quite a funny thing to say, to be like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck they've got going on, so I've got like a guy who knows what they're about.

RILEY I've got my boy who understands women here advising me, I have two people on the spectrum at all times advising me. ALICE I've got Mel Gibson. RILEY That's a god Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson from What Women Want is here. That was a real, like, person who told the joke first, person who told the joke loudest. That just happened to me there. No no, I was echoing it, cause you made me laugh by saying it.

Mel Gibson in a gold bikini, pacing back and forth. And like, Diabolic immediately is like, yeah, 100% I'll give you 10ml of a necklace, no problem. That's my girl, you know? Yeah. That's just my lying around having sex on money, I've got loads. Every time Diabolik, like, appears on screen there is this sort of ethereal, choral, like, motif, which to me heavily implies he's some kind of holy warrior.

Or like, someone's looking favourably upon him. His theme music has like a really cool sitar lick in it as well, it's very cool. Where do I get theme music that's cool? 1960s Italy, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so they do the deal, Diabolic is taken at gunpoint onto Valmont's plane, and at this point Diabolic insults him in the funniest possible way, by calling him unprofessional? Diabolic walks onto the place, stands

exactly in the middle of where we know the fucking trap door is. ALICE There's a seam in the carpet, like, it's very obvious. He walks in, puts both hands on the metal plate, and goes, alright, fucker. I have your stupid necklace. How much of a trap is this?" And the answer? Significantly. Yes.

At least 50% a trap. He takes the necklace off him. He opens, uh, so is Ava by the way, he opens the trap door, gives him a parachute, and says, Ava's down there, go get her. Cool. So Diabolic grabs hold of Valmont and jumps out with him, and the plane explodes because he put a bomb on it! ALICE So you're coming with me, bitch boy?

Let's go! Really good. Perfect 360. ALICE Absolutely ideal. SONIA And as they're falling, Valmont confesses, like, yes it's a trap, the inspector's waiting for you down there, like, it's all a setup, like, please don't kill me. So he pulls the cord on the parachute, and they land together and Valmont is knocked out.

And never seen again. That's not true. But it's a bit weird too, because he gets down to about like five feet of altitude, and then perfectly karate chops Valmont both sides of the neck, so he falls like five feet, but like off a parachute. I'm not sure how the fall damage debuff works there, you know? Yeah. It's actually a glitch that even if you're wearing damage debuff works there, you know? Yeah. It's actually a glitch that even if you're wearing a parachute when you fall, you just

get the same amount of damage as if you weren't wearing one. Yeah. The problem is, this being a sort of Italian low budget film of the 60s, right, the film thinks you're gonna lose attention unless you get some sex in, right, and this is also where you would typically get your light bonded sexual menace threat in, right, and this is also where you would typically get your kind of like, light-bonded sexual menace threat in, right. Now, in the 60s, people don't know this, there was actually a law that in order to get a movie made, you had to have somebody get burned with a cigarette. I don't know why they passed it, I wish they hadn't, it's a kind of like, honest to God

workplace psychic hazard for me. But like, yeah. This isn't really that important to the movie at all. Like, the movie's heart isn't really in it, it's not sadistic in that way, like, there's a lot of Italian horror movies of the period that are- It doesn't even need to be that, like, it just sort of happens very briefly and then they just move on from it, like, there would be no reason. Yeah.

There's a guy who's an expert in dealing with women, and his expert way of dealing with women is to put cigarettes out on them. SONIA Yeah. This is Rudy the henchman who we've seen a couple times. ALICE Yeah. So Diabolic dives through the window and implements an alternative rehabilitative process. RILEY Yeah, does some self-directed d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-directed d-d-d-d-d to her. Yeah. I do think it was like, it was kind of disgusting that Rudy was at Pride.

Yeah, like, I don't know, man. I was like, what the fuck are you doing here? Listen, Rudy, Rudy is coming back with like a new thing about how, like, actually he was dissociating the whole time. Anyway. I saw Rudy at Pride and then like, fucking flips Rudy off. Community policing does not work. Rudy is still around.

Don't shut the fuck up. Rudy don't act like you're surprised I'm flipping you off. Fuck you! Like, fucking criminal? So he rescues his girl. Yeah. She's fine, by the way. Like I said, there's not really any menace to it, which is fine.

The fact that this kind of upset me for the rest of the movie is like a me problem and I'm not thrilled about it, the movie itself is like... Apart from anything else, this is such a fucking stupid thing to get legitimately triggered by. You know? RILEY I wouldn't say so. Cause, well, the thing is, the movie very much lingers on it as a shot as well, it does present it.

Yeah, sure. But like, the problem is that this is purely internal, right, and I'm not gonna do an hour of therapy here, but like, having triggers or whatever is fucking ridiculous, just in the abstract. You're like, oh I saw a thing and now I got anxious and sad. It makes you feel so fucking lame, doesn't it, it's so annoying. To be like, oh I saw a thing and now I got anxious and sad. It's like... It makes you feel so fucking lame, doesn't it? It's so annoying. To be like, oh now I'm sad.

Yeah. So, Xenogata is there. And Xenogata has actually really missed him as well. Xenogata is like, caught up. He's there with like fifteen thousand cops, and he's like, we're finally gonna get him and then it's gonna be over and it's gonna be fine. So they get in a gunfight. Valmont, for some reason, decides heroically to try and like, kill him on his own?

As revenge? Yeah, I would've cut my head down, man. Oh yeah, I remember. As revenge for the double karate chop thing, maybe, and gets iced. Yeah, fully. Die-Ball just guns him down. Yeah. And then, cornered by the cops, we see him-

Take a pill.... open, contemplate, and then take the suicide pill that kills you instantly. Yes. Yeah. Fair enough. They're marked with that around the thing. Just like, okay, sure, doesn't want to get arrested, I guess. Takes the pill from whatever the fucking Uncle movie it was, where it just like... Yeah. He like, he dies. Jinko finds him and is like legit sad. Jinko goes full Zenegada in this exact moment, he goes like, nooo, my boy!

Oh, he'd been part of my life, I can't believe he's really gone! Like he's actually kinda distraught about it. Really good. Like he's giving it, he's chatting to the press at the morgue later on as they're doing the autopsy, and he's just like, I've lost my purpose now, I don't know what I'm doing. ALICE He says to this boy later on in the car, he's like, I dunno, it was kinda nice when Diabolic was around, and now he's not, he's a big part of my life.

I want to kiss him on the weird lip mouth. SONIA The lingering mystery is, where are the emeralds? They were never recovered. Weird. We do establish that Diabolic's body has been x-rayed, so they're not in him. He didn't swallow them, but where are they? Also, damn, that nurse is fucking hot, isn't she? You're crazy, right? We cut to the autopsy scene. She's getting injected by something. Both the doctors are

wearing masks, just wrote, isn't that interesting? Nice to see. It just wouldn't happen now, fucking days. But he wakes up and he goes, you fool, that was a special poison, brackets, native brackets, that makes me asleep to a point where I look dead. ALICE I got it from Tibet. ALICE Did the plot of Hitman Blood Money, and now he's awake again. But like, also, there's a strict timer on it, it's like, you know, 30 hours exactly, or whatever.

And she got him, she injected him with the antidote, with like, you know, 30 hours exactly, or whatever. And she got him, she injected him with the antidote, with like, a minute to spare. So he was on the edge of just dying for real. But so he incapacitates the doctor and escapes. I think he incapacitates him to a fatal end. SONIA Ava wheels him out, like, under a sheet, right past the press. ALICE Yes. ALICE Very cool.

SONIA Very funny. And then later on Jinko gets the call like, danger devil has escaped. He's like, danger devil has not escaped. Like he's dead. I have his death certificate right here. He can't be alive. It says cause of death, 11 machine gun shots on the certificate. He's like, this seems reasonable. 11? 11 machine gun shots. 11 emeralds. Oh, this is Valmont's death certificate. Oh, I know what's happened! ALICE He shot the fucking emeralds into him! D&J- Into Valmont!

We cut to the crematory, Diabolic is there in disguise as Valmont's old man dad, like, knocks out the, like, mortuary assistant? ALICE With an urn! D&J- With an urn! D&J- With an urn, and like, takes the emeralds! Sick. Yeah, which are from like, the cremated ashes. He like, picks them out of the dude's fucking dead-ass body.

Yeah, fucking metal. He is always making fucking moves, dog. He grinds it. He leaves, walking with a cane, and like, two women stop him and ask him something, and he's like, uh, I dunno. And then does- You see, where's the doctor, and he says, he's in shock, and I'm like, you tried to be smarmy and just failed, that's not a line.

There's a perfect shot here, which is like a sped up version of the end of the usual suspect, where he's walking with a cane, and he just like, tosses the cane to the side and jogs away, like in full view of them, and they hold that shot, and I don't know why, but I found that hysterical. ALICE And then we cut back to the lair, Ava is swimming, she comes out of the swimming pool, diabolic, arranges the emeralds on her soaking wet titties and says, happy birthday. ALICE These are such sex people. ALICE Yeah.

LIAM Yeah. ALICE Genuinely reprehensible. These people go to sex clubs. Yeah. Yeah. Genuinely reprehensible. These people go to sex clubs, right. And they only ever fuck each other there. It's like, it's... why? They're in love. It's beautiful. Now, listen to this, you might think that was the end of the movie.

That would make a lot of sense to be the end of the movie, right? Cause that seems like, you know, we've gone on a journey here, like, we've seemed to, like, wrapped things up, it's like a happy ending for our central characters. We've forgotten whole stages of zenig artification that can exist, beyond... Now we enter movie two. Because this movie very much feels like two episodes of a TV show that were stuck together. Yeah, we've got half an hour left of film here. Now we have the second one?

Let's just reset all the stakes, because... Yeah, we do! We just start again! Because Zenegata, I'm gonna keep calling him Zenegata, because this is what he fuckin' is. I don't care if they named him after a herb, it's like... Alright, what we've done is we've secured the entire gold reserve of the country into one big ingot.

You're skipping ahead. Hard skipping ahead. Hard skipping ahead. Jesus Christ, okay, well. You're skipping ahead to something which is, like, irrelevant, but still quite funny. I should be clear, I was reeling at this point. Terry Thomas is back. He's...

Oh no, sorry, I tell a lie. Terry Thomas has been replaced. He did a shit job, and he's gone gone and they've got a new guy there now. And he's like, I want this diabolic motherfucker. Caught. Mm-hmm. So I'm going to institute a one million dollar pound Italian currency reward. We're given this a million lira or whatever.

Great British fucking lira if we get this guy up, and he receives a note immediately. ALICE Yeah, like the second, this is a little calling card. RILEY He opens the note up, we don't see the contents, we only hear like, the fucking angelic choir Diabolic leitmotiv hit, and this guy's in full like, my god mode. SONIA Yeah, and so the note from Diabolic says, you know, you're trying to persuade the public to catch me by giving them a million dollars, so I am gonna take that million dollars away from

the government, and then we get a montage of every tax office in the country being exploded. Yes. Exploded. Literally full force exploding. He like, Viva Vendettas every fucking tax office. We joke about James Bond blowing up a family court, but like, he fucking implements Project Mayhem is what he does. Yeah, yeah.

He does. We get Terry Thomas doing like a fucking address where he's like, right, sorry, spot of bother, Great British Public. All the taxes, A, and all the tax records have been destroyed. So I'd love it if you guys could just guess how much tax you need to pay, and just send that to the government, please. And we see this on the telly and it pulls out, and a bunch of builders or whatever are watching it and are all going like, yeah, fat fucking chance, mate.

ALICE Yeah. He appeals to their civic pride, and they're like, man. RILEY Great Britain is now completely fucking broke. ALICE Yeah. He appeals to their civic pride, and they're like, BAM. Great Britain is now completely fucking broke. Diabolic has, like, single-handedly destroyed the state financial capacity of the country. Because of that, they go, we are going to melt down the entire gold reserves of the UK into one colossal ingot, and sell that so that we can make enough money to keep Britain going for another year. ALICE And so naturally I've become helplessly dependent

on the ingot. And so, they give the job of guarding the one big ingot to Zenegata. RILEY Here you go, Zenegata, fuckin' make us proud, boss man. He goes, this will not be stolen by Diabolic, I promise. ALICE He puts it in a giant metal case. ALICE Yeah, he has it welded into an enormous, like, steel sarcophagus situation, like the fucking Chernobyl reactor.

And it's like, stuck in there, no one can get it out, and he's like, well, job's a good'un. ALICE Gonna move it on a train, now. ALICE And there's no way can get it out, and he's like, well, job's a good'un. GONNA MOVE IT ON A TRAIN, NOW. YES. AND THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GONNA BE ABLE TO STEAL IT ON THE FUCKIN' TRAIN! HE'S NOT GONNA FUCKIN' STEAL THIS! So of course he's gonna fuckin' steal it. So all the area around the train tracks where the gold is being moved, there's checkpoints and shit, it's all super secure.

At this point we cut to Eva, who is wearing... ALICE And the shortest shorts. They cover like half an arse cheek between them. STACEY Yeah, you can like see the outline of her dick. It's phenomenal. ALICE God, I mean, where to cop, where to buy these. STACEY Live show fits? ALICE Shit, maybe.

GARETH I was saying this outline every time I saw a good outfit for like the last two months. It's been like, live show fit? The problem is, I try this with a live show fit, I walk out, I sit down on the stage at Conway Hall, I fracture every seam and my dick falls out. It's not sustainable. That's basically what happened to me at the No Time to Die live show, actually, with the fucking like, where I sat backwards on the chair. Yeah. So long as we have like a kind of privacy screen on the front of the fucking, like, where I sat backwards on the chair. Yeah.

So long as we have, like, a kind of privacy screen on the front of the desk, we can do whatever we want until we have to walk off the stage again. And we're not opening the possibility that we're hanging Dong at the live show, we're simply not gonna be doing that. It's not something I'm gonna do intentionally, but there is a strong risk. Tickets available now. It's like that pole vaulter at the Olympics, right, I got a lot of shit to work with here, and it's difficult, alright?

ALICE I love the Olympic pole vaulter who lost, cause his dick is too big. ZACH I have watched that video a couple of times. ALICE Mmm, mhm. ALICE Like, hell yeah. ZACH Dizrock. ALICE He's gonna get mad pussy off that. ALICE She pulls over a truck driver, who looks a surprising amount like the fucking New Zealand comedian...

Reese Darby! LIAM He does look a remarkable amount like Reese Darby, yeah. ALICE Shout out to my boy, he looked remarkably like Reese Darby. And she's like, oh, my perfect white jaggery type is broken down, can you come and have a look at it? And as he does, Diabolic, who is dressed in his third sneaking outfit, which is cunty button-up and coated jeans?

That's right. And the mask. Again, remarkable. Just steals the fucking truck. Steals truck. Perfect. He sets it rolling down the road, onto the train tracks where it explodes, right, so the train has to stop as it's coming out of a tunnel, and then it backs up. And then as they're backing up out of the other end of the tunnel, he generates like, he like blows up the rocks and causes a landslide, so they're like, ah, he was trying to trap us in the tunnel, but

we've avoided it. Haha, good job guys, we'll divert the train down crime alley tracks instead, right? Ah, we beat him, he failed, ha ha! ALICE They take it over a giant bridge, which he then... RILEY Fucking blows up, presumably killing everyone on board. ALICE He explodes so many fucking things.

Like, Dianna Bollock must have killed like, thousands of people at this point. RILEY Yeah, so many government tax employees, and like, a lot of government tax offices are in Longbenton, which is in the northeast, so like, take a point off of that. Don't be blowing up the northeast, that's my fuckin' home. Yeah, so like, the entire broach falls into the river, luckily Zenergat is fine, he just like swims out of the thing, and is just like, ooh, that fuckin' sucked. Curse you. None of the guards are still around, so he's killed all of them.

My next note is like, yeah yeah, Thunderball, because they do the Thunderball thing. D-Dangertypolic has a giant submarine, and then he attaches balloons to the Golden Gurt to float it in order to tow it back to the Batcave. Where he cuts a hole in the case with a laser gun. One at the top, one at the bottom. And then melts the gold so it flows out the bottom. Yeah, attaches like a fucking pump to the bottom hole. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, luckily Zenegata is not that worried about this, because as he says to his boss, don't worry, I made the case thing insanely radioactive. As a precaution, I gave Diabolic cats. Good idea. Well, he says, the steel is irradiated, so we can fucking track it. I knew he was gonna steal it, now we know where his hideout is! I am concerned that Ava is lying next to the radiation source in a bikini.

D- yes, no, bad things are gonna happen down the line to these guys, but... ALICE I should also say Diabolic is wearing... He's not in a bikini, he's wearing like a kind of heat suit. D- the heat suit is so good! It's so cunty, it's like silver and has a cool, like, perspex mask, I love it! ALICE The little visor on it? RILEY He puts the heat suit on in a second, before then he's wearing a pair of leather trousers and no shirt, which is to like, open this

thing up. And he puts this full, fully fuckin' silver heat suit with a weirdly, like, I dunno, figure hugging face. ALICE Yeah. RILEY Like, it's got the chin and everything, and it closes the top over. But then all of a sudden while he's like, melting this gold down, he's got the pump attached to one of it, his crystal array starts flashing purple, which is the danger one. We've not been, it hasn't been established or anything, so she has to say it out loud.

ALICE Yeah, the Batcave has an alarm system, which is a giant church organ made of crystal. RILEY Yes, that is correct. ALICE Yes, yeah, his crystal?! Yes, that is correct. Yes. Yeah, his crystal organ starts, like, blaring. Oh shit, my crystal organ. Yeah. You go and hide, and I'll take care of them.

And his way of taking care of it is to flood the Batcave, killing everyone. That's his plan. That's his intended, like, fuss of action here. Is to, like, Zenegata is just like, uh, y'know, Battle of Equals or whatever. He wants to drown this motherfucker like a cave diver. It's, there's a real disparity in, like, venom going on here, y'know? ALICE The cops swarm the cave and they're shooting a danger dive, like, if you pause it, you'll notice an odd detail, which is that one of the cops

has a gold machine gun? Oh yeah. Because he prestiged, you know, so he unlocked that. Oh he does! Cool. Not ever mentioned, not commented upon. Got all the weapon perks. What Department of the Police is that?

These police budgets are insane, man. You gotta defund that guy! Defund that guy! You need to sell that gun, we don't have any tax money! Yeah, why wasn't that in the Ingun?! If the cop with the golden submachine gun shoots you, you die in one hit, so like, it's kind of worth it tactically. Yeah.

I mean, I die in one hit when I get shot most of the time. You pussy? That is true. I mean, it would take, I think, two to three depending on where they get me. Yeah, I balance it out with a huge hitbox. RILEY Yeah, my hurtbox is actually huge, it's fucking stupid. Like, it was a real mistake they made when they were coding me, it's like, extends like a foot to my left.

We see he's established that he's melted this gold down, because we see him using the hose to blast it into ingot molds, and it's like gold tinted water so that it flows really strongly. He's held at gunpoint for slightly too long and the pressure builds up within the single gold ingot that is all the gold in the UK, and it fucking explodes, spraying... Radioactive gold? The entire base with gold gold and coating him completely. He gets crystallized in gold. He gets like, medusered.

Genuinely unbelievable. It looks sick, like it's all molten gold and cool. And he's like immobilized in it like a fucking incredible statue. He looks like the fucking Trevi Fountain in gold. He looks like Corvo at the start of Dishonored 2, right, like he just gets turned into fucking... DARREN It's amazing. RILEY You know?

DARREN My notes say, that's how I wanna go. ALICE All you see is like, one eye, which looks furious, and is like, fixed. RILEY His arms are so like, fucking angled. Really, really, really good. I love this, I want a little gold model of this for my desk, actually. DARREN Yes. ALICE It's great. DARREN So later I want a little gold model of this for my desk, actually. Yes. It's great.

So later on, the cops and the press are cleaning up the crime scene. His body's still there. Yeah. Presumably they're getting all the gold back because they need that for taxes. Yeah, let's scrape that off. Yeah. The cops clear all the press out of the cave and Ava comes back in a black fur morning suit with a hood and cape. She had this ready. She had this ready to go. This was in her bug out bag. Yeah, obviously.

Her Louis Vuitton bug out suitcase. Oh my god, that's so good. My leather bug out hold all, yeah. The designer bug out bag, I love that, that's so good. Alright, writing that into something in the future very strongly. Yeah, that's so good. ALICE Alright, writing that into something in the future very strongly. ZENIGATA Yeah, that's really good. ALICE She's like, can I get a private moment with

my insanely dead boyfriend? And because Zenigata is a decent man, he's like, yeah, go on then. He's like, frozen in gold, what are you gonna do, you're not gonna chip it off with a toffee hammer? fine. ALICE LAUGHS A little tiny... KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK the heatproof suit has saved him from being cooked by the molten gold instead, he's just crystallized in there. ALICE He hasn't even blinked. ZOE He winks at her.

RILEY Leaves open the possibility that he will escape for a sequel at some point, because obviously he's a comic book character so he can't, like, die. ALICE And we get the evil laugh as he, like, winks at her. RILEY He's still stuck in there, yeah. ZOE He's still stuck in there, like, she's led away by Jinko, presumably to jail. He's immobilized in there, like, he's gonna starve, he's gonna die of dehydration, he's

gonna stink when he gets out of there. We get one final longingly plaintive look from Zegada to the imprisoned diabolic. I want like fifteen more of these. I want like ten more of these fucking things. I guess I could just read the comics, really. But like, give it to us, let us do it. ALICE Exactly. Give us two hundred million pounds, and we will deliver a danger diabolic film that is

as good if not better than this. That's our solemn promise. RILEY That's right. RILEY Yeah. We'll spend forty million on the movie and the rest on Italian drugs. RILEY Yes. Well that's part of the production process, like, they can't get mad at us for that, we need that for the movie.

That's what they call development. Dino De Laurentiis. But, what does this film say about masculinity? It's cool. Masculinity is about loving your girl and giving her presents. It's true. And crime, also. Yeah, crime pays, and it's fuckin' sick.

Sexy as hell, too. Mmhm. And it's okay if you kill a few guys, cause, y cause like, they're in your way, and, eh, whatever. Yeah. They work for the British government, go on. Your partner's a trans person, and you're killing a bunch of British government guys, it sorta makes a lot of sense to me. Based, yeah.

Every day I record with you I feel myself going up the no-fly list. They'll let you fly, they didn't kill you in Mexico. ALICE Not yet. Fly to Mexico. But we don't have to just sort of rate this subjectively, right, because we have a scientific system. LILIANA That's true. ALICE It's called the SCUM system, it stands for

SMARM, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. How smarmy, and this is a difficult question, is Danger Diabolic? ALICE God damn. SONNY He tries to get a couple lines off, but they're not very good. I feel like Attempted Smarm is like, two, but then once you add in Valmont, two, I wanna raise that to at least three, cause he's got the best lines. ALICE He's like laughing a lot, which is quite smarmy.

Like he specifically pauses to gloat a fair amount. SONNY amount. Yeah. Mm-hmm. No. He just can't land any lines. I think that leaves it at like a three, maybe. Yeah, I'm happy with that. I would say so.

He's not that smarmy! He mostly lets his actions speak for themselves. Cultural insensitivity, I mean, it's a deep dive into the culture of trans women, which obviously we appreciate. RILEY There are zero non-white characters, even in the background of this movie. Like, yep. SONIA I'm looking at the R. Italians white dial, for

this year. RILEY But now? No. SONIA Just like, 1960... what? ALICE 1968. Which is right after Italians became white. I wanna know what the interstitial hits on the dial are. Cause like, yes, no, and then like in the middle, like Irish...

Dunno. I don't think it's my place to say. Yeah, that's fair. Well, if you're not white, think of a joke and write it. Do not read the labels off that dial, you are not able to do that, white girl. Okay, can we say... I don't like that they dubbed Adolfocelli. Yeah, that's anti-Italian racism.

I think that makes it like another three, right? Cause that's what we give for a mission? We give two for a mission, and I'm giving one for dubbing Adolfocelli. Yeah, sure. Unprovoked violence. I think that's gonna be pretty high. He kills a lot of fuckin' people. He blows up every tax office in Great British Isles, presumably killing everyone inside,

cause let me tell you, audience, they are not subtle explosions. Like it's the building. The people of Longbenton, this is a fucking tragedy. He commits direct personal murder, unprovoked with throwing knives. He quietly does like four 9-11s at the four fifths part of this movie, and it's not really mentioned. It's played as a joke! If we can't call this like, six or seven, then what are we even doing here?

This is the most unprovoked violence someone has ever done, I genuinely... He blew up every tax office and like, killed a 9-11s amount's amount of people because the government said something mean about him. If everyone the government said mean things about did that, there would be like one Algerian boxer, all trans people, and every POC in the country left, and no one else. SEVEN. ALICE Six. Seven. SEVEN.

SEVEN. ALICE And misogyny. Yeah. Seven. Six. Seven, alright. Seven it is. And misogyny. Wow, that's a difficult question, actually, because, like, Eva's the only woman with lines, I think she's the only woman. That's, uh, Valmont's girl has some lines. Oh yeah, but they're all dumb and most of the shit that he does is, like, slapping them around, metaphorically, not literally, thankfully.

Where he's like, ah, you're stupid, or whatever. You know, they're just kind of... they literally are set dressing, and the fact that they complain about it maybe gives you half a point off. Eva's like, capable, but like, uh... She's still an accessory. Yeah. Women only exist if they're allowed to exist if they're sexy? Yeah.

I feel like it can't go lower than five, like, it's pretty bad. I would comfortably do five for this, yeah. Okay. In that case, we are looking at a total score of 18, which is, like, a higher Daniel Craig bond. Sort of a rating, like, a bit worse than the man from Uncle, which seems to kinda track. Yeah, this makes- it's a scientific system. Like a Brosnan bond, it feels- yeah, that feels

about right. ALICE This is about right. On the other hand, I had a blast with this one. Like- SONIA Yeah, this is- this was great, this whipped. LOREN Yeah. ALICE I would recommend watching this, to be honest. SONIA Yeah, same.

ALICE Particularly the first half. The first movie within this two movies is like, really quite good. LOREN This is going up there with like, some women do and like, the ones that I want people to actually see. The great spy chase. Yeah. Put this on the list of, we should do this at a screening night.

Yeah. If we're doing screenings, we should screen Danger Diabolic. Yeah. Fantastic. In the meantime, it only remains for me to say that we have live shows, which I don't think will have happened yet. RILEY Yes.

This will come out just before them. ALICE Ooh, okay. So, August 9th, 10th, and 11th we will be in Conway Hall in London to see fucking all three Johnny English movies. RILEY That's right. ALICE I've finished watching them, and let me tell you, terrible. RILEY Yeah, we've watched them by now.

Woo! ALICE Buy tickets, killjamesbond.com slash live, subscribe to the Patreon if you haven't, listen to all of our other stuff, check out Abi on House of the Dragon, cause she's done fucking incredible. Yep, House of the Dragon, time of recording, tonight! I'm so fucking pumped. Rumble in the mud pit, Twink's Wee Dolls mud wrestling, Sharika O'Lohar versus Thailand Lannister, let's go! FOOD PIT TWINKS V DOLLS MUD WRESTLING SHARICA LOHA VS TYLAND LATUSTER! LET'S GO!

Shout out to Sharknado Lohar, and we will see you next time. Next time! Sharknado Lohar, I love that. Yeah, you're gonna have to work in order to say Sharknado every time now. Bye everyone! Bye! Bye! Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. If you're hearing this on the day it's released, you still have time to come to the Kill James

Bond live shows. Not long, mind, not long, but you've got time. Conway Hall in Hoburn, the 9th, 10th and 11th of August. KillJamesBond.com slash live for your tickets for that. In two weeks time on the free feed it probably will be the first live show, probably, but if that is simply too long for you to wait you can head on over to our Patreon where next week we're releasing Q&A number 10. That's right, we've aided a shitload of more of your Q's. And speaking of course of our beautiful patrons, we're being nothing without our £15 and above

patrons and those are... Kentucky Fried Call Me, Yarrick, Drone Lover, Melody Moro Gonzalez, Live Free or Cry, Labor to Lender Est, J. Martin Dell, Tripp, Tarp O, Library Hitman, Jonathan Gerd, Max Germanehardt, Mothman, Jack Drummond, Kit Devine, Beef Cry, Mia, Steve, Wittishen, Science Daddy, Stazzy Kins, Linden Rose, Anne Hedonia, every time I read out Science Daddy by the way, like I make perfect eye contact with the his profile image. Which you got to assume probably is him. Really big, like, you know, like really, really spiraled mustache. And I'm making perfect eye contact with him when I call him daddy every time.

And it does waylay me ever so slightly. Thanks for the support, daddy. Stazzy K, Lindenrose, Anahedonia, Maeve Victoria Roth, Rosie Can't Fail, The Cunty Mannequin in the third row, Claire, Jack Luvier, Lexi Bomb, let me be real for a fucking moment, I hate reading these names. Forest El Norvell, The Project Project, Whitney Wolverine, Goblin Queen, Arthur Sex Crime, Loretta Mazurff, Lady Houndstooth, A Very Silly Vixen, Trans Commissar, Sausher, please do the magnifique with Belmondo, I'll probably do it, hell, just the worst, Lenina's gate thatch, Olivia,

arts modular, some sort of silly Canadian creature, Ash, not in Florida, touchable tips, joyous uwu, a trans robot, AR, rope sharpshooter, ugh, ahaha, ugh, Annie Ruby, KM Validonia is not an Olympian, Violet Cyber, Ice Pod GalBotGal, LadyAriane, Rogetrick, John2089, Connors, CoolBigSister, Bronan, Senk Shen, a tame spy spoof that elicits infrequent chuckles, Julia Cock, Liz and Ash in Florida, it's very hot, climate change will kill us all, probably Claire Voyance, Corvid Cultist, Wolscart, Alex, Clarification, Noblesse Oblihy, Quinn Valeri, Al Irwin, Robert Greensmith, Philippa Smith, Wolfie is normal, Finn Ross, Mega Combee, Abigail, Carriard, Emily, Queen of Sloths, Misedentified, Lemon, Loz, Pycock,

Terse, Shit and Die Alone, Pandora Hex, off to the protests, I'll pick you up on the way, we're off to the counter protests nowadays, Talkingative Tiger, Lauren Bastien, Josh Simmons and Zoe Shepard, thank you for subscribing to The Podcast. The Cutter's One is November, Abigail and Devin, our producer is the wonderful Mr. Nate Bethea, our podcast art is by Mattie Lubchanski and our website is by Tom Allen. See ya!