Kill James Bond! - S3E26: Johnny English [LIVE]

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

James Bond is Dead. Austin Powers has been Refrozen. Charlie is with the Angels now. Who else is left? This- recorded live at Conway Hall on the 9th of August- is Johnny English! (the edited VOD is coming soon, it needs a little more work to be perfect) ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. They deserve to survive. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Conway Hall, please welcome to the stage, Kill James Bond. TESTING Testing, testing, okay. I was choosing for evil transsexual and I hit a different kind of evil. I regret to say that it's giving stop you Les. Hello and welcome to another live episode of Kill James Bond. I'm James Bond. I'm a sex pervert. I'm a sex pervert. I'm a sex pervert. I'm a sex pervert.

I'm a sex pervert. I'm a sex pervert. Swing stop, you less. Hello and welcome to another live episode of Kill James Bond. And hello and welcome to all of our live viewers at home. Looking directly down the barrel of the camera. There's about as many of them as there are people in here, which means we can distinctively say half of our audience are cowards. That's right. I am November Kelly. I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail, Thorne and Devon.

Hey! Gotta hit the pause. And thank you again to Conway Hall and the Ethical Society for hosting us. This is going to be the first ethical episode of Kill James Bond. And yeah, this is vegan, like that. Yeah, previously, we had all been clubbing at least one seal per episode. It didn't go in. We didn't even use it for anything.

But like, and let me tell you, they're going gonna struggle to get the taint of unethics out of this place once we're through. It's gonna be like an apartment someone used to smoke in. Like, there's gonna be like residue, they're gonna be scraping off the walls. No, Johnny English's Johnny's English were harmed in the making of this podcast. But this is the thing though, because unto every nation is granted a Johnny. And... Previously, we gave you the legend of Australian Johnny. That's right.

But I regret to say that England exists too, and consequently... there is... an English Johnny. But we should back up a bit. If you're not familiar with Rowan Atkinson, right? How, yeah, okay, I want to know how you finished this. Because how would you introduce a newbie to the concept? Have you heard of a place called Cambridge University? Because they produce guys like this on a kind of industrial scale who have like really great talent and then just basically get like careers for life in British media forever

Yeah I would say part of the reason why right is that in the beginning was the word and the word was bean right because Anywhere you go you could go to Shimla you could go to Singapore you could go to Caracas You could go to Chicago and there will be someone there of any background who will be like, oh, I love that Mr. Bean, though, he's so funny. Just mime comedy. What, clowning? Yeah, exactly.

He's a clown. Yeah, and that's one axis of the kind of spectrum of Rowan Atkinson, right? The other one is Edmund Blackadder. And Edmund Blackadder. And Edmund Blackadder is the reason why I'm so sorry if you went to school with me. Edmund Blackadder teaches us that if you over-enunciate everything you say and are desperately cruel to the only people who can tolerate you, then you'll have a great career in British media for your entire life. That's how this works.

It's really fun. And so Johnny English occupies, just dumping my grand unified theory of Johnny English up front, occupies the exact midpoint. Not to get too pretentious, but it's dialectical synthesis. This is an educational podcast. Yeah. Between Mr. Bean and Edmund Blackadder. Yeah, you don't know, but back there it's all like whiteboards on the wall.

We've been figuring this shit out from the start. Yeah, ermine flasks, we've been distilling various clowning elixirs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red string. It's like three lab coats, one of them's like a bit more elegantly cut, one of them's sleeveless. Mine's got sequins, it's great. And we've been working on this, and so we bring you 2003's Johnny English. And let me tell you, this is going to be a struggle, because this is the best one. Yeah.

It is. We have two more nights of these, you can still buy tickets. So, Johnny English One exists. It's alright. It's, you know. It's like competent, yeah. It is, and part of the reason why... It's not as racist as the others. I just want you to note here that I have the drops in front of me,

and I have racist noises one, and racist noises two. I gotta tell you the rest of these aren't looking good I'm seeing Orient, Bedouin, Guatemalan. Yeah if we've got any Guatemalans in tonight I'm so sorry Bedouins also but so yeah this this happened in 2003, this came out, right? And it exists because of Barclays. Because... Yet another... Yeah. Act of evil within the world.

Which is why they're on the list, okay? Barclays cannot sponsor Pride because they inflicted Johnny English on this community. Among several other things, but lower down the list of things that Barclays have done is Johnny English. The stuff they did to Johnny Palestinian. Doesn't bear thinking about.

So, 2003 this came out, and Barclays had done a bunch of ads for Barclay card, their credit card, with Rowan Atkinson playing this character called Richard Latham. And he was kind of like, what if Edmund Blackadder was a spy? Right? There's like a 14-minute compilation of this on YouTube. I managed three.

Yeah, and it's got like two adverts in it. Because do you remember when adverts were like four minutes long and had stories? And now they're all like five seconds because you just watch that and then you skip it and you watch philosophy tube. But back then, like, adverts used to have fucking stories. Like, there were characters in it that he played.

He was a recognizable spy called Richard... Richard? Richard Latham. Richard Latham. Who was this like, well, he's basically Johnny fucking English. Yeah, exactly. He had a sidekick called Bof, who he was very cool to, in the sort of black-adder mode. And eventually, we got to the point where they did the thing, right?

If you remember in Die Another Day, it was so poorly received that people didn't come out to the cinema and so consequently the British public... You just killed James Bond! No more Brosnan. And so Purvis and Wade, the two guys who wrote like all the Bonds, were left with a dilemma, which is what to do post-Brosnan pre-Craig in the kind of off-season. And the answer was, what if we got Rowan Atkinson

to do the Barclay Card ads as a 90-minute feature film? What if that advert was a whole movie that you could go to in the cinema? Imagine if there was like a Go Compare Man movie in like 2015. The lathe, the lathe! I'll write the Go Compare Man movie if you want to give me a couple of million, that's fine.

I'm actually auditioning for the Go Compare Man movie. It makes me. So clearly Rowan Atkinson was like, I need a new, I don't know, car or whatever. Fuck it, fine, I'll do this. And so this movie really does open full force with Rowan Atkinson's big rubbery face, like lunging interview at you.

And he does the James Bond thing. He's like infiltrating a location. He like comically disarms some guard dogs with some squeaky toys. He gets held at gunpoint and then activates gun autism because this is also my power. He gets held at gunpoint and he goes, the heckler and cock G36. Which gives me two drops, neither of which are audible,

but I wrote a joke for them so you're getting it anyway. Can just one person shout something fun out? Something fun! Thank you. The heckler. Perfect. There we go. That's really good.

That's the one joke we had ready for this, so... Yeah, yeah, I don't hit that drop again. If I hit that drop again, it activates a metal plate. Oh, I did also get a really clean... Cone. Just in case, you know. So he meets a beautiful woman, and the beautiful woman seduces him in the kind of Austin Powers mode. Ah, well, in fact, she gets him a gunpoint, and she says,

Ah, you won't be getting me with your legendary power over women, Mr. Johnny English. And he goes... He has some line which is on the contrary, you know, about the script is written that you do. Miss Girl Decova. And she's just like, puts the gun down and then they're making out. But then it turns out it's a dream.

He's daydreaming. Because he works in the kind of more Tinker Tailor Soldier spy kind of shitty end of British espionage in an office. Not in the glamorous podcast shitty end of British espionage in an office Not in the glamorous podcasting bit of British espionage That's right Where we work And he works in this kind of like dilapidated office with Ben Miller from Armstrong and Miller

who is his boff, his submissive partner in espionage Yeah I heard some people hissing through their teeth there because some people know that Ben Miller signed a letter four years ago in support of J.K. Rowling. Oh no. Man. God.

It's a real shame because I like his performance in this, but unfortunately, death. He's better than Rowan Atkinson in this. True. Which is a realkinson in this. True. Which is a real problem for the movie. Yeah. They don't get it back for the second one. And it seems so petty.

They're like, fuck him, he's too good. Son of a bitch. Giving him the Peter Sellers treatment. Yeah, no. I mean, I know from Armstrong and Miller, and like, okay, before Kill James Bond, it used to be that the maximum number of people you could have in a British comedy group was two. We actually invented having a third person. I think it really adds things.

We did that. For us, it was like the Mighty Boosh, Armstrong and Miller. Yeah, two Ronnies, bloody... Two Ronnies, yeah, yeah, there you go. The nice thing about us is that none of us have done Blackface, too. Which is more than could be said for the mighty bush. And fucking, what's it, Williams and Lucas?

Hmm. What the hell they were for? Let's not talk about the shit they've done. Uh-huh, yeah, let's absolutely not. Ask me after the show. So they work in this office doing the grunt work, right? They have to prepare the documents and shit for Agent 1. Yeah, for the Bond figure.

They're like one of the background guys in the cue scene. Right? They're just fellas that work at MI. Yeah, which is a fun bit, I guess, if you're willing to write it. Good enough. And Agent 1 comes in, he's very charming. And I feel like this is a bit of a missed opportunity, right? Because two times this franchise does the, oh, what about working with James Bond?

He'd be fucking intolerable, he's a dick. Yeah. Gen, much funnier movie. Instead he's just like, he's nice, but like, you know, sort of out of Johnny English's league, bureaucratically. And so he just kind of simpers over him. And it's just like, oh, I've got you the documents to open the submarine hatch to infiltrate the Mediterranean

or whatever. And the next shot, and this is the only joke that lands, is Agent One fucking killed. Agent One killed in action, submarine hatch failed to open. Is the... Just killed James Bond. He's gone. In fairness, this is a pretty intense way of killing James Bond.

Like to drown him in the Mediterranean. Like, Tom Ripley style? He fucking dicky green leafed James Bond? You can do it fucked up if it's not on screen. Like they buy for Dolphin at that point. It just comes up at the bottom, like, oh shit. Do try not to be extruded through a pipe this time, 007. My man is chomped.

Look out, you're about to be extruded through a pipe. Remember that drop? That was a couple of years ago. So Agent 1 gets demoted to Agent 9 because he's fucking dead. And every other 00 agent is going to mourn him at the funeral for the like teaspoon of remains that they have left. He's being buried in several matchboxes.

It's being poor bad by every single other competent MI7 agent. And like we get Johnny English being like, don't worry, I'm in charge of security for this absolutely nothing can go wrong Distant explosion yeah, I hope you like jokes with a kind of very obvious setup because that's kind of the movies whole stock in trades You know the movie okay good Yeah, they like those that's that good Fuck so he like every other every other 00 agent is killed. Yeah, they're gone.

And they are left with only Johnny English. So M in this is called Pegasus, he's just M. And he meets with the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, a guy I love to see, Kevin McNally, who you may know as Mr. Gibbs from Pirates of the Caribbean. Love this actor, great fucking British character. Okay, you're there, the sound of approval for Mr. Gibbs from Pirates of the Caribbean. Love this actor. Great fucking British character. It's okay, you'll have the sound of approval for Mr. Gibbs from Pirates of the Caribbean. We're all big fans of Mr. Gibbs here.

I didn't I didn't clock that at all. I'm not a big Mr. Gibbs head. I don't... You're not Gibbs built. I mean I remember when I came over to yours one time you had that big poster of Mr. Gibbs. I thought it was kind of weird but you know I just you just appreciate talent when you see it. You know I just love pirates, you know me? Yeah. There'd be so many jokes I could do if I could remember a single other fucking person from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Like, shit, give it time. We'll get there. I'll just yell a guy's name in like half an hour. Yeah. So he kills Agent 1, and then Agents 1 through 8 are like, I hope you enjoy guarding the cemetery. You know, the second time's easier, and he's like, yeah, considerably. We get the opening titles, right?

And they wrote a theme song for this by Robbie Williams. It's good, I like the theme song. It's in the movie. It's fun. It's of its time, which is something you would say about a racist uncle. Yeah. Or indeed a racist film. Or Robbie Williams.

Indeed. We'll get to it. Em gets him in the thing. He's like, all right, listen, I hate employing you for anything. I hate watching you work. It really is just very... You just killed every single other agent. I know it's your fault, but we don't have anyone else, so I guess you're the guy now.

It's perilously close to an actual straight version of Bond. I wish you were drowned at birth. I hate your ass. But yeah, so instead, now, the crown jewels have been restored. Thanks to, and this is a fun PFI kind of Blair-era detail, a corporate sponsor. They're going to be exhibited at the Tower of London, we need you to go and do security. And so Johnny English says, oh who was the corporate sponsor? And we hear about our villain of the film, Pascal Sauvage, who is gonna be

played by John Malkovich. Another John? It's not worth a woo, I'll be honest with you. I like John Malkovich, I think he's really good. I mean, not on this. He's so good at this, he's so game for this role, which is like such a silly role, it's fine. That's one way of saying it, yeah. I think he does fine, yeah, no, I liked her. He goes to the Tower of London Reservation, he meets the like beef eater and she for whatever.

The hell happens in this movie? Okay, that's just entering my head now, okay. and she for whatever. Yeah. And... What the hell happens in this movie? Okay, that's just entering my head now, okay. You can't call a guy that... Yeah, he goes sort of the ranking beef eater. Why can't you call a guy that? It just sounds, it just sounds awful. But so, he searches some curtains,

he searches up a woman's dress, which is a fun, like, groping joke. Yeah, he does assault a woman in this. Yeah, fully. But she's like kind of comically fat, so it's like 1920s Marx Brothers shit, rather than like Me Too shit. Right. Like, it's fine. But then there's a lady here who you can't sexually assault because she's thin.

And she's played by... Natalie Imbrulea. Oh. You may remember her from four other films, three of which have a Wikipedia page. Breakout hit, This Was Not. No. And there are a few reasons, not least, right, look. This could have been her Beyonce and like gold member moment.

This could have been. Can you imagine if Natalie Imbruglia was just like colossal now and just would not talk about... Oh she's not to you? Okay. All women are queens first of all. Thank you. Alright, let's put that down. Okay, okay.

Like the Homelander thing like, okay, I've gotten away with it. It was kind of the reverse Beyonce, right? Because she was big as a singer and then decided, I'll get another string to my bow, I'll go and be an actress, right? And had the misfortune to be in this movie. And... Reverse Beyonce, ek njobeb? Yeah, sure.

I'll go add that to the whiteboard. Yeah, sure. I'll go add that to the whiteboard. The key thing about Natalie and Brulia in this, right, is that she's trying her best, but she also lapses into a really thick, like natural Australian accent quite a lot. Yeah, he's like, what's your natural accent? And she says, I don't know, what about Australian, Johnny? Awful. Oh, fuck off. But yeah, she's trying to do like kind of ambiguous, like femme fatale. And then Johnny English talks to her, and she's like,

she sounds like fucking Ben Mendelsohn. Oh, Johnny. Johnny. You haven't been talking to the cops, have you, mate? You haven't been talking to fucking MI7, have you, mate? Had to be doing an Australian accent live on stage like for the first time just trying it out There are like five Australians watching this at like seven in the morning that's

Furious They're buying plane tickets for tomorrow Physical tickets is getting straight on a plane. If you leave now, you can make night three... to physically harm us. We'll see you there. We're not going to Australia. It's hard. It's, yeah. I understand it's hot out there also.

It's pretty hot here. Yeah, Devon and I have a competition to see who can keep their jacket on the longest, because we're both absolutely fucking boiling. I have a dangerously little shirt on under this, it's fine. I've got my hair down as well. He meets Nathalie in Brilia, and she's like vaguely mysterious at him, and she's like, oh, have you met Pascal Sauvage? First of all, they miss a trick, because he orders a drink,

and it should be something silly, right? Yeah, like pint of beef juice or whatever. Lemonade and cream with a little cocktail umbrella, like pronouncing every single word of it, but he's just like bloody merry, and I'm just like, oh, you... You could have hit it. You could have hit it with a little more pussy, a bit more cunt. You're not putting your pussy into this, Rowan Atkinson.

It's true. He's really not. He's phoning it in. He's phoning it in. Who were the two guys? Penn and Teller, who wrote this? What? Who were the two guys who wrote this? Oh, fucking Purvice and Wade. That's it, that's it. Okay, yeah, the Bond movies written by Penn and Teller.

Bond just... Penn and Teller, Armstrong and Miller. I don't agree with some of the things they made Bond say and do. And fucking... What the fuck is Noel Fielding? Yeah, sure. I love the show where we half remember things. We just tried to name comedy double acts. Yeah, because we invented having a third mic.

The one with David Mitchell in it is on the tip of my tongue. Ah, the hair clarin. In many ways, the second cast member after Matthew Lebczanski. But so she goes, have you met Pascal Savage? Who is John Malkovich with some deeply fucked hair. He looks like Javier Bardem in Skyfall, hair-wise. Like, it's uncomfortable. And he has also the worst French accent,

of which I have a little drop. The Archbishop of Canterbury. No, you better believe he holds that for the whole movie. I mean, this film has a real be in its money about the French. And I think so my grand unifying theory of a John English films is that they track top gear. You are so much more right than you know. Yeah, they start off in 2003 being like, ah, like the French cheese eating surrender monkeys.

And then it's like, oh, getting a little bit more racist. And then by the third one, it's like, actually, we should run over just a foil with a Range Rover. Like that's the trajectory we're going on. Really, these films do track English, like motorized top gear fascism quite well. It really does. We will fully get to that.

Also, the worst spy in the world. I'm a little bit concerned that we... He's woke! Jeremy Clarkson's woke now. What? Shut the... Shut the... Shut the fuck up! My pronouns... Shut the fuck up! ...are she her.

He wrote a newspaper column about how we shouldn't be mean to trans people. Does that... Is that... Is that what we're qualifying as woke now? He should give all of his money immediately to transgender charities and kill himself. Relative to the standards of the rest of British media. It's like saying the guy in Shinobu with the least radiation poisoning. It's like... Oh, this guy respects my pronouns as he's running me over. Cool. I will not hand it to Jeremy Clarkson on this one.

Under no circumstances. But so... If you're watching, Jeremy. Mmm. You can make it if you leave now. Given like, car speeds, probably he could make it tonight if he left now. You can make it, yeah. No, if you live near enough by, you can make it tonight. Just picking a bunch of just-up oil protesters out of the engine grill.

Mmm-hmm. But so Pascal Sauvage is like, ostentatiously French billionaire who's paid for the restoration of the engine grill. Mm-hmm. But so Pascal Sauvage is like ostentatiously French billionaire who's paid for the restoration of the crown jewels. And Johnny English, we get some cringe comedy. We love cringe comedy, right? It's where you say, oh, I hate that guy who's like definitely not standing behind me. And then he goes, bonjour, I'm standing behind you. They milk this for about 20 minutes.

It fucking sucks. Every year I go up to Scotland to see the Edinburgh cringe. Yeah, I always hate that one sympathetic story where they're like, I played to one person at the cringe, you know? Actually, that would be the best possible cringe audience, right? Because you're only embarrassing yourself in front of one person. I don't know, I did stand up to an audience of like five people at one time and it's not better if it's smaller.

It's not. It's not better. My first ever Edinburgh Fringe gig was to four people. It was pretty good. Thank you to the one person who said, oh, and may I also say thank you for coming to this as well as being there for that. Thank you for being with me all these years.

Mum. Let me... Let me just ins... I'm kidding, my mum does not come to my live shows. Let me just incinerate any sympathy for me in the room and say that this is the first live event I've done that wasn't sold out. Fuck off! Oh shit, that includes... Technically that's the same for me.

Yeah! Okay! Got it! Wait, so when you did a solid pick to five people, there were only five tickets on sale? It was part of a... Oh, actually that's true. Yeah, fuck me then. It was part of like, I wasn't the only one doing it. Because if that's the case, I think that is your fault.

I thought you were going in a different direction. I thought you were like, I did it, but not as a live event. I mailed in a tape of comedy, you know? Yeah, it was actually just like a living room. Like, it was just a family I walked in and started doing bits. Yeah, legally it was more of a hostage situation, but like, you know, you've got to find the humor in these things. They loved it though, you know, real Stockholm by the end of it. I'd go back there and play every couple of weeks.

That was my biggest fan. So Pascal Sauvage just kind of insults me. He's like, oh, if you hate French people, I am French. Cool. I like the joke they do here, which is that he is actually more charming than Johnny English is. Yeah, way more. I can't remember Natalie Imbroglia's real name. It's Natalie Imbroglia. Okay, yeah. He's more charming towards her than Johnny English is,

because Johnny English mistakes him for a waiter, and then he's like, no, no, I insist, I will in fact wait on you just to make you look like a dipshit. I'll go and get you a drink. That's sick. It's a power move. Would you believe that the crown jewels are then stolen?

Mmm. Crazy, right? Ooh. Crazy, right? Whoa. The reason that Sauvage is, he's like a prisons guy. They say he's built 400 prisons. Yeah, he's a private prison entrepreneur. Which is a thing. We do still have those in this country.

And again, we sort of approached a point about Blairism, maybe. And then Johnny English mistakes the assailant and knocks out the chief beef eater. Or chief eater. The beef chief eater. I got there eventually. Alright, fuck you. The beef take? The beef take. The beef take.

Like chieftain? No. Beef soup and vodka. Cut that, get that off the record. What? The beef... This is rapidly becoming the ramblings of three... Three deeply... Everyone slowly stops laughing and just quietly starts leaving.

It's kind of fucking Samuel Beckett playing. Yeah. It's been the long game of the broadcast. No, Johnny English pretends to fight the assailant in a cupboard. Oh, yes he does. He's really like savage. No, stay out. Ah, I'll get you. In order to illustrate this, he makes a series of noises.

You're going to do it now with that door? No, I'm going to do it with these three drops, which I have labelled, racist noises one, racist noises two, and sheep. See, Veron Atkinson was right, if you fucking enunciate, you can make anything funny. Sheep. Yeah, so he's like, oh, I'm being fought by this guy who's doing the,

literally, Purvus and Wade's second to last movie before this, Tomorrow Never Dies Kung Fu noises, these ones. These are the kung fu noises, these ones. Except they gave those noises to a racist dipshit, who was the villain of the movie. This is the protagonist. This is the guy that we're supposed to think is good. This is the guy making these noises. Every time you think it's gonna stop. Every time you think it's gonna... And then you go, oh thank god it stopped.

And then I hit racist noises too. That's like half bean, half racist. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Yeah. Wow. Oh my God. It's uncanny. Wow. That almost makes me think they like dubbed that in. Like the camels in Rambo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was mules, fuck.

Wow. See, I've been discovering recently that like when big movies and stuff like this go out and TV shows too, they obviously get dubbed into other languages, right? And I know this because I watched a little bit of the Spanish and Italian and the Polish dubs of House of the Dragon. So what I'm wondering is, who did like the Spanish, Italian, and the Portuguese dubs? And what noises did they make? Well, see, you could get genuinely famous doing this.

Like if you're like German Homer Simpson or whatever, everybody in Germany fucking loves you. And so if you're Johnny German, then presumably you're doing even more racist noises and then finish it off with, I don't know, some kind of goat or something? I don't know what kind of... What if you are Johnny Chinese? You're just doing racist English noises?

Did this movie come out in China? I know that the second one did. What if the racist English noises were just actual Mr Bean sounds? Yeah, that's his culture. Yeah. It's just, it's unfortunate, but that's just how he talks. You know, he's not, he doesn't mean anything by it. So they escape into fucking... He makes up an assailant, the crown jewels are stolen.

Uh, and so you get to, he gets back in trouble with, with M who hits him fully with a, if we could identify that someone, why don't you try the identigraph? This is funny. It's a reverse identigraph because he's made up a guy and they're like, give us an ID for it and he's like, ooooh. Making up a guy to get mad at.

He gives him this outlandish description which is based on a fruit bowl which is behind him, so he's like, oh his hair was orange and curly and he had a scar like a banana and he gives this ridiculous description. I do want to say banana, because he had a scar like a banana, and he gives this ridiculous description. I do want to say banana, because this is a thing. This is a man who has built his house

upon the voiced bilabial plosive. Banana. That's funny to you, right? You like that? The wise man built his house upon the bilabial plosive. I'm building my house on the fricative, is what I'm doing. I'm just building my house on the fricative is what I'm doing. I'm just building my house on the normal labia. I think it's very like essentialist of you to call them normal.

Yeah, by that I mean the inner labia. This, the ethics quotient is dropping fast. I don't fuck with the outer labia at all. Not interested. They're gonna have to ethically fumigate the building. Fuck this. Well, because inner labia is administered by China, whereas outer labia is its own. They have to call it labia Taipei or something for the Olympics.

Do you ever look at your life? No. No, I put a lot of effort into not doing that. No, yeah. Try not to, actually. Yeah, haha. He gives them this description that cannot possibly relate to a real person, and then he goes back to the scene of the crime, where there are some cops, and Buff's like,

oh, do you want to get help from the cops? And Johnny English, to be fair, is like, ACAB. He's like, no, no, no, fuck these guys. They don't do what we do. You know, we're not like, you know, smearing enemies of the state. Bobbies. Boys.

And then he falls down a hole that they've drilled under the fucking thing. So, right, I'm trying to get to the bottom of the Buff thing. Like, Buff, right? What is he, does he... So he knows that... He was working with Johnny before Johnny was a spy. Yeah. And he was working with him in the like shit spy office for once.

Yeah, can you imagine being like someone's like number one and they're like... They just work in admin. Like, so this is nice. He gets to know that Johnny doesn't... He's not actually a spy. He's not done any of this shit. But Johnny keeps talking really like authoritatively about being a spy. And Buff like...

He's just deferential to him, he calls him sir all the time. He does call him sir all the time. It's a DS thing. Yeah, this is the thing, it doesn't work in the third film where Buff has a wife. It doesn't work. The whole dynamic only works if Buffof's in love with him. No, because they're gay. They're obviously gay, right? They're clearly gay.

And then in the third film, there's this bit where... And there's this long drawn out scene where Ben Miller's just like, oh, I got married actually in the last few years. He goes, really? And there's this dead weight pause and I'm like, oh, they're going to do it. They're going to kiss. They're really going to do it. And then he goes, yeah, she's great.

And I'm like, oh, you fucking cowards. They flirt with it a couple of times. They never really acknowledge in this PG-13 film that what Boff and English are engaged in is a total power exchange, 24-7 lifestyle dominance, submission relationship. Fifty shades of Boff. Yeah.

Fifty Shades of Boff. Yeah. So he falls down the thing, and this is just really a tour through the kinds of racism that were acceptable in British comedy in like 2003. Because he falls down the thing, it's like pitch dark. And Boff's like, how are you going to see? And he goes, don't worry. I learned a secret technique from...

The Bedouin monks of the Almagreb Mountains. Yeah. Now, sorry, so, okay, not to immediately go back to Buffett, but Buffet knows that's not real, right? Like, he knows that that's not true. Yes. But he just defers to it. Yeah. Just go with it. Just go with it. I would love.

Walking up to a couple and being like, all right, which one of you is the Johnny English? Which one of you is the Bough? Which one of you is the Bough? God. Leading to the possibility of a power Bough. Yeah. He is the power Bough. Because he's, like, Bough's the guy who's doing all the actual spy work throughout this movie.

He is the power Bough. The joke is that Bough's actually good at being a spy. Bough work throughout this movie. He is the power Bof. The joke is that Bof's actually good at being a spy. Bof is competent. We need to get Northern Lion out here. We need to figure this shit out. Get it? Yeah. If you... You can make it here by the third night. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Flights from Canada, yeah. But so, obviously this doesn't work because at this point in the movie, English is still an oaf and a buffoon. Yeah, worth noting what he actually does, because I interrupted. It's like he sort of does echo location. Yeah, he goes like this. Yeah. And it's suffice it to say this doesn't work, you run straight into a wall.

And Boff sort of negotiates them out of the situation. Yeah, and at this point, so they follow the tunnel that goes down from the Tower of London, and it leads to a warehouse. And the guys, the henchmen of the other end of the warehouse are loading the crown jewels into a purse now The crown jewels was stolen last night, so that means that these guys stole the crown jewels Yeah, yeah took them through a tunnel. Yeah to a location. location, then didn't move them anywhere else. Yeah, with that tunnel still extant. Yeah, just like, went out for dinner.

Leading directly to their location. Went to bed. And this is like morning the next day, they're like, well, I guess we better go and get the crown jewels and move them. Right, first of all, they're employed by a Frenchman, so you know that these are Union protections. Strong as fuck. These seconds, they're off. They're off.

Have you transported the crown jewels yet? I am out of office until August 31st. Right. They try to get them to put them in the hearse at like 7.30 and they start throwing petrol bombs, like immediately. Finally, the people on the hench app have unionized. Finally. At long last.

The French app have unionized. Finally. That long last. My 50M 47M goons have unionized. My M 50M. So they escape in a hearse, and English and both have to chase them, but their car has been towed. Yeah, they have an Aston Martin, but he parked it ostentatiously outside of the Tower of London, and it's been towed, which is quite a funny joke.

Like, this is kind of funny. This is a funny sequence. We also get to another bit which I'm reluctantly forced to praise, right? Because you were more right than I think you maybe admitted when you said Top Gear, right? Because Rowan Atkinson, been on Top Gear a bunch of times, huge car guy, this will come back. He's got his time on the in the reason. Oh, he was fastest., like he's properly like. He's fast as fuck.

You see he can fucking drive. Yeah and so like the cars in these movies are like often his cars, they have a lot of kind of like motorist preoccupations in the movies that carry through. I think he and Steve Coogan have a bit of a rivalry actually. Nightmare blunt rotation. Yeah. Steve Coogan nearly ran me over in his Ferrari once.

Just like recreationally or? As he was leaving the set of chivalry which was his series. That wasn't very chivalry. I know, I know. That was the, it was an ironic title and like I had a small role in it and that's leaving me fucking ran me over in the car park. It's like how do I get out of here? You could have gotten a huge settlement if you'd just gotten more injured, you know? It's fine. I'm a professional. So the thing that I have to hand it to him on this one is that this is quite impressive stunt work.

Yeah, this is well shown. It's like if you cut the fucking car chase from Ronin into the middle of an otherwise shit movie. It's a lot like the film Ronan. Because Bof, like the Aston has been put on the back of a tow truck, and so they just steal the tow truck, and Bof just like drives that instead. And then he's like picks the Aston up on a crane and like swings it out as they're driving around London. It's cool.

It's a really good setup for a chase scene, like I got handed to him. But you get some real like proto-Ulez Nazi shit. Oh, yes. He fucking Captain Gazzo's this guy. He shoots a fucking speed camera with a missile from the car. Every day we edge closer to James Bond blowing up family court. Yeah. There is a bit I like as well, which is when the Aslan gets released,

Johnny English does a J-turn in it. And normally, if James Bond does a J-turn, it wouldn't cut back to his face. It would just show his face. But it cuts back to him in the car, and he's really proud that he pulled it off. Yeah. Yeah. That was sick. Now the taint enters the movie.

Exactly. The taint of Johnny English being good at things. He's too competent. He can't do a fucking J-turn in an Aston Martin. He just fell down a hole like ten minutes ago because he didn't see it. This is the point at which like it starts to go slightly off the rails. It doesn't really make sense. Is he good or not?

He's supposed to be hyper confident but incompetent. Like that's the root of all of the jokes. And it doesn't work if he rips out a casual J-turn in a fucking Aston Martin. It does get worse too, because he mistakes the hearse for another and ends up at a funeral. This is a long C. Yes, it is. Which he comically disrupts and Bof has to rescue him from.

But Bof's tactic here is to go, don't worry, this man is dangerously insane. Just remain calm. This is just an escaped mental patient. I gotta be honest, this is not a situation which I would necessarily be remaining calm. But it also offers an opportunity for Rowan Atkinson to do his, like, mental illness bit. You may remember it from the end of Blackadder Goes Forth. Putting a pair of underwear on your head and going, Wibble sort of thing.

He does that for about, I don't know, like three or four hours, I would say. Yeah, it does go on. It doesn't fucking make sense either, because he starts the scene off, like, lucid. So it doesn't make sense for him to make the swap to go like, booboo, all the time. Like, he'd been talking the whole scene. Whatever.

Yeah, also, like... It's literally not as funny. It could have been funnier if you just, like, maintain the continuity of the fucking scene and, like, have him just, like, be saying shit that is accurate, but implies that he's not all there. It doesn't work if he just starts going, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yeah, it would have been funnier if he said, no, Bof, that's not what's happening. I do it for MI7, and Bof would just go, yes, of course you do it. That's right. And it made him look like a fool. As you say, very confident, but incompetent, right? These movies, they sort of beg the question

of better writing, right? You can kind of do it in your own time. Yeah, we sort of said this during the Austin Powers thing where we were just like, give us control of this, but I've changed my mind. I actually would prefer to endlessly critique powers. Would you say that that makes you the last of the old school film critics?

Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. You two shut the old school film projects. Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. You two shut the fuck up right now. What fucking happens next? There's a fucking live show. Is there? Well, I mean... It's like the volunteer, we do not know who else may be watching.

You can make it here tomorrow night. You're not watching. Please don't. Don't be here. What happens next in this movie? Next we go to Pascal Sauvage, who is announcing that he's the villain of the film. Yes, he does the I'm the villain scene. Oh, yes.

I'm the villain. And he says, I'm the villain. My family should have inherited the throne 200 years ago. I remember a YouTube video about that. In order to... Yeah. I tried this shit. It doesn't work. I tried. You had a horse and everything. In order to... Yeah. Yeah. I tried this shit. It doesn't work.

I tried. He had a horse and everything. I know. I know. It's more qualified than he was. I mean... Thank you. This is when you get the...

The Archbishop of Canterbury. Yeah. Because he decides that for his plan to work, he needs to be crowned by... The Archbishop of Canterbury. So they are duplicating the Archbishop's face with like a Mission Impossible rubber mask. Yes. Yeah, they got a perfect 3D mask

of the Archbishop of Canterbury, like on Specter Island. It's a lot like Bond, you know, they're like hunting fucking Archbishops through there. They got a Justin Welby, you know, like face down dead. My next one just says, second set of racist noises. Which I think is skipping ahead a bit. Very possibly, but at this point, Johnny English and Boff,

they've ID'd the henchmen who were driving the crown jewels away, and they tell Em, hey, these two guys, they work for Pascal Sauvage. And there's a line I quite like from Em where he's just like, well, Sauvage employs thousands of people just because two of them happen to be like former criminals, doesn't mean he's up to anything nefarious. And it's like, damn, that's fucking bulletproof.

You got it now. You're actually doing like really kind of structural methods of violence there, Johnny English, because like this is a targeted population and by exaggerating kind of misdeeds within it, you're really kind of framing them as, anyway, we find out that like every single person he's hired has like gotten out of one of his private prisons early.

So that he's doing like Cape Fear times one billion. And he says, Pascal Sauvage is not a suspect. He's like, Bazzie mates with the Prime Minister. We love him. He's great. Yeah, imagine that. Like a little bit cutting, a little bit politics to be like, oh, we're actually going to compromise some security services investigations,

because the guy's fun to hang out with. Yeah, yeah. This never happens. Don't go anywhere near him. I'm going to be at his big party tonight at Savage's headquarters. You realize this does cast Pascal Savage as Jeffrey Epstein. No.

Bond, don't go near that fucking island. Yeah. And so Johnny English immediately ignores this and he starts planning an operation to like infiltrate fucking Savage's headquarters. Yeah, and he's planning it in the parking garage of MI7. And as they go past there's a guy named Felch working on one of the cars. And as they go past there's a guy named felch Working on one of the cars Felt MIT CH e ll here. Yeah, felchel

She's really checking the fuck out of that perimeter Average Mitchell shit, he's checking it too thoroughly a minute You can stop checking it now, Felch. Because the reason I say Felch is because after they go past him, English turns to Boff and says, Did that sound like Felch to you? That sounded like Felch to you. Did that look like Felch to you?

Is that Felch? Is that my boy Felch? Our old mate Felch that we all know? And it's not Felch, in fact. It's a henchman with a gun. Yeah, he's mitcheling. He's doing some Mitchell shit. But again, like, it doesn't make sense for him to spot that, because that's actually a genuinely quite good moment of Spycraft.

It should have been Boff who goes, -"It should have been Boff." -"That wasn't him." -"It should have been Boff." -"It should have been Boff." Anyway, this guy opens fire, and then we get a sort of like gunfight through the car park, which is very cheap to film in. I kind of do like this subtle ongoing bit that he's completely fucked his gun up.

Because in the intro montage that they do during the Robbie Williams song, that he's like, he field strips his gun and builds it back up again. And I've chosen to believe that he just like fucked it badly. And he's just completely broke. Like the front comes off at this point. It's just kind of funny. Every time he tries to shoot someone, like a piece falls off his gun. Yeah, he has tackling Bof by mistake, and like injuring Bof.

Bof is compromised. Bof does not fucking hesitate to let it bark, though. No. Bof is a killer. Yeah! In the heat of battle, Bof do not miss. He... Well, he misses. But like he...

Metaphorically, yes! But he misses. In a second less accurate sense, he does not miss. Yes. Yeah, well the accuracy is the problem in fact, because he doesn't hit the target with his bullet. I see, yeah, that would be an issue, yeah. I kind of want to get off this metaphor that I've embarked on.

Yeah, we could probably get off this. How does the scene end? Yeah, he fucking tackles Bof by mistaken way. Yeah, he does. He grabs Bof's legs and just fucking slams him. And they're in the cargo and he's like, there must have been like five guys there, man. And Bof's like... Like a cotton bud on his bleeding nose.

It's not bad, yeah. There's a couple of good jokes in here. This won't last. This is the point where we go to the sushi restaurant. Yes, because... Holy shit. Because Johnny English senses the presence of an Australian woman. A skill I would also like to have. Spots like a mini-coop with an Australian flag roof. And it's parked outside that most glamorous and exotic of locations, a Yo Sushi in central London.

Yeah, this is really funny because the movie thinks this is like a place of any significance. It's 2003, mate. Like, have we just gotten them? Like, we've just gotten this shit? Johnny English Forge, like, that would be like a Popeyes now. For real. Popeyes is good as hell. Yeah, I want it to open up in Cardiff.

Too close to me. Too close to me. In serious danger. They always use Glasgow as a test market. Can't imagine why. So we got everything like before you got like Tim Hortons before London even. Like it's crazy. Anyway. There's a Wendy's in Lincoln. I hope you're all enjoying the live stream. Where else are some Wendy's's let's name some Wendy's locations wood green heckler there's a lot there are more Wendy's than I was expecting but anyway they go into the yo sushi I was gonna tell a story about the CEO of Taco Bell go right ahead go right ahead we've got places to be I was in I was I

was in a room a while they can't leave till we're done. With the CEO of Taco Bell. And he was giving us... What? Do you know how few CEOs have been in the room? He was giving a presentation in which he said, Taco Bell is going to be an AI first company. Yeah, man, for real. Taco Bell is a brand that believes in living mass. And Johnny English is an example of the live mass mentality.

So, Yo Sushi. Yo Sushi. Totally unremarkable now. However, 2003, you were like, holy shit, is that a Yo Sushi? Look at the food on a conveyor belt. What the fuck? They wrap that rice around the fish? Remarkable now. However, 2003, you were like, holy shit, is that a Yo! Sushi? They've got the food on a conveyor belt. What the fuck? They wrap that rice around the fish?

Apart from that one, it's on top, but that's... Telling me a shrimp fried this way. And so... And so, Johnny English, like, he goes in there and he runs into Natalie in Brilliant. She's like, oh yeah, in Australia, we've got fucking hundreds of these. Yeah, we love sushi. Yeah. Which makes sense sense they're quite close to

sushi spot. And like we get some more some... If you're in Japan if you leave now... We don't have to highlight that I forgot the word sushi I forgot the word Japan. Sushi, I forgot the word Japan. We don't need to throw it. So she's like, here, this is called Japanese food. Source off. Don't be racist about it. And he goes...

We know Pervis and Wade, come on. You can't have a Bond film without some anti-Japanese racism. Can't have a Johnny English film without it. Yeah, and so he goes... The mysteries of the Orient are no mystery to me. The mystery of the Orient is no mystery to me. And then the joke is that he can't use chopsticks and he gets his tie caught in the conveyor belt.

And she leaves. It sucks. They do some bits, Adam, where they're like, urchin is like the most acquired of all tastes. Sea urchin is delicious, by the way. Not an acquired taste, just try it. I wrote fucking English scum here. All my pages say that, actually. I did look for the like, the kill this white demon drop,

but I was told that was like, you know, legally impermissible and unethical, so. It is worth highlighting because foley is choices. You have to make the choice to put that sound into the movie. True. When he gets his tie caught in the Yo Sushi conveyor belt, all of the panic sounds are in Japanese. They are...

It's the sound of Japanese people panicking. There is one non-white couple in that Yo Sushi. It's in central London. It's a cafe of weebs. Just like... To be fair, a Yo Sushi in London in 2003, likely place for them to be. Likely, yeah. Just...

Ooh, not good. Yeah, it does fully do the like, eww, foreign food, gross joke. Yuck. And this fucking sucks, dude. Yo Sushi? So anyway. They go and do the covert operation, right? And if you like a joke with a long setup,

this is the scene for you, right? It's basically the same structure as the fucking Hannibal jokes in Mitchell and Webb, right? It's like Ben Miller goes, you got two identical buildings. Save some laughs for later. Yeah. And you can turn the movie off at that point

because you know what's going to happen. Yeah. Yeah, just fast forward through this bit. You got two identical buildings. You got this children's hospital or whatever. And you got the evil headquarters. And we're going to parachute out and we're going to land on the evil headquarters. And Johnny English is like, I don't need this fucking GPS woke shit.

Very funny. He does like a sat nav bit, because he goes like, I don't need technology. He jumps out and he's got like a paper map on his like hip boy on his fucking arm. He also says something to Boff, which again Boff presumably knows is untrue. I was once dropped into the Kalahari Desert with nothing but like a box of sherbet lemons and unlike a fuck I still made it to Bula while before Ramadan. You're just saying you're saying Yeah, and again both like knows that's not true. And he's like, yes under All right

Like he lets him do it. I wonder if both is lets him do it. I wonder if Bough is just hoping that at some point, Johnny will fuck up and get killed. And he wants to be there to see it. Yeah. But Bough's just like, has he checked his parachute? Has he packed his parachute? He has. Damn, not today, Bough. Not today.

A Bough may not harm an English, but through inaction, may allow an English to come to harm. Prime buff. So... I was trying to make that work. So you know the joke, right? You know what happens. Johnny English lands on the hospital

and he takes a bunch of doctors and patients. He does lips of TikTok shit, basically. Right. Half funny. He walks into one of the rooms and there's like an old man there and he's like, what have they done to you? And the guy goes like, they took my blood. And he's like, the monsters.

Yeah. Pretty good. Hold some doctors at gunpoint and then you get the like, This is what you have to do in this country to get fucking hormones. I, I. Legally, that was a joke? I held my GP at gunpoint 200 times. He's not threatened by the fifth time, even.

I tell you what, that guy's got nerves of steel 199 times. That guy's got nerves of steel 199 times. Speed up any meeting by getting in, putting a gun on the table in front of you. You don't have to hold it. I feel like you do, because if you put the gun on the table, then I go, oh, thank you very much. You were saying. Well, naturally it's the gun that fires backwards, and I've got it. You fool!

They go for the gun and you just hit them with the pipe, you know? Yeah. So... Okay, so you want to bring a gun and a pipe to every meeting. With your doctor. Pipe concealed. I do not fear the man who brings a gun to a meeting. I fear the man who brings a gun to a meeting. I fear the man who brings a gun and a pipe.

The pipe that kills you hits you. If he brings a hundred guns, he can only scare half a GP. I gotta go update the whiteboards. Again, if you take issue with any of this, you hear you can like mount the stage and like beat us to death on the live stream, you can like get tickets to the other two nights. And then you can mount the stage and beat us to death. We specifically asked for a very tall stage.

Downside is the first three rows can see up my skirt, it's fine. Um... No. If you're not here and you don't have tickets, if you leave now, you could see up a skirt by night three. No, no. Night two and three's outfits are worse. Now... Ah, you see, she's unbuttoning the jacket, so we're almost there.

This standoff that we're in. See who loses the jacket first. I'm okay again, actually. I'm cooled down. He sees Bough in the other tower, and he's like, fuck, I've done 9-11 in the wrong order. I've done 11-9. Embarrassing. Yeah, these are actually the counter Fitzgerald offers,

as I should be in the other one, fuck's sake. So he has to get down to the thing, and we see, this is one of the only moments that hits me, as he kind of humanizes him, is when we see him realize that he is an oaf. I keep this in the green room personally, but when he just puts his head in his hands and just goes, oh god.

Yeah, he's outside, like bent over, doubled. He's like, uh, uh, uh. And he's like, real, real, like, yeah, 100%. Yeah, it's nice. Get it. Johnny English has imposter syndrome. So he goes to infiltrate the thing, and they do a second Henemore joke.

Because they go, and we got these two rings. One is a truth serum serum and the other is a Powerful muscle relaxant and they may as well have gone we got two rings One is a kind of comedy a written comedy ring and the other one is a physical comedy ring You will mix these up So they infiltrate the situation and they jab a guy with what they think is the muscle relaxant. And then that guy, obviously it's the fucking truth serum, that guy has a powerful psychosomatic reaction to being jabbed with fucking anything.

Because he goes limp as fuck. Yeah. Well, like, BUFF hits him. A BUFF uncle chops him. That's worth noting. They knock him out. They come back to this guy later. That's set up. Once again. Power BUFF. He strikes. That's hard-noting. They knock him out. They come back to this guy later. That's set up. Once again.

Bof. Power Bof. He strikes. A man named for his Batman sort of like... Yeah. Bof. He hits the ground. Also Natalie in Brooglir is here.

Yeah, she is. You doing anything? She rescues them. She's like, I work for interpol Johnny my work for the fucking Southern Hemisphere so we call a condom down here, you know That's funny You know been talking to the fucking cops every night Yeah her the cops

You'll be talking with apol, if you might. Do you want to start? Johnny English accidentally jabs himself with the... And a goon with the muscle relaxant. So would you get some physical comedy? It's dire. He's, yeah, he's doing the like, all my muscles have gone a wibbly thing.

But Natalie in Brilliant rescues them, they escape, they get directions from the guard, they hit with the truth serum on the way out. It's too bad, I love this guy. I love this line, yeah, he like comes up behind me, he's like, hey, what you did really hurt me. Yeah. And it's good line. Bough is the one who's just like, yeah, sorry, how do we get out? And he's like, oh, you

got left right here. Oh no, what have I just said? And then they hit him again. Then you have to go back and drop him again. I do sort of want to shout out the other, the muscle relaxant goon, who was played by Douglas MacFerrin, because he does physical comedy better than Rowan Atkins. Yeah. Which is embarrassing for Rowan Atkins. Like, that guy's not coming back in Johnny English 2 or 3.

No. To be 100% clear. Yeah. So they infiltrate the party that Savage is throwing, because it's 2003, there's a kind of dangerously exotic swing violin set up. It's fucking terrible. Oh, I liked it. I like it when I walk into a party and the band is playing a live arrangement

of my theme song from the opening credits. I think that's cool, it's a nice detail. I don't love that, it makes me feel very, like, surveilled. I would feel kind of owned if they hit me with a Kill James Bond theme song at an event. Oh, come on. If we had a live band playing a live dance arrangement of the Kill James Bond theme song, you'd love that. God, that'd be so sad.

It's like a prison spotlight tracking me. Shit. I'm scurrying for the exit, like some kind of beetle at that point. Like... Nate, the thing for the third night, just... Yeah, we're not doing it. She doesn't want it. I know.

It's fine. We can probably get the money back, actually. There goes the deposit. So he does some more physical comedy bits because Pegasus is there and he's still like, he's got the fucking poppers on him. He's like dilated. He's a bit loose, you know? And at this point I wrote,

Hi, I'm ready for the physical comedy to be over now. Not yet. Give it a minute. Because there's the foreign secretary there and he like sexually assaults her a bit. Yes. Like comedy style. Don't do that. But like funny ways though.

Oh, OK. That's fine then. No further questions, Your Honor. Falls into her breasts. Yeah. It doesn't hold up in court. There's like, oh, I did it funny style.

There's almost no crime where that is a reasonable defense to mount. Your Honor, I had a laugh track following me around. Yeah. I was hyped up by my own theme song. They were playing my theme music when I came in. I just had laugh track following me around. Yeah. I was hyped up by my own theme song, which was playing unbeknownst to me. They were playing my theme music when I came in.

I just had one thing led to another. We do get a line, because Pascal Sauvage goes up to Em and he's just like, oh, I was having a lovely time, but your agent, Agent English, and his curious boyfriend here broke into my office and assaulted my staff. And I'm like, okay, 2003. little bit of homophobia from the bad guy.

Is he wrong though? He's right, like he is right. No. It's... He's the only person who's correctly perceived this. Yeah. So then we got a dance scene with Natalie and Virilia. Listen, I really want to like her in this movie.

I'm just torn, you know? with Natalie and Virilia. Listen, I really want to like her in this movie. I'm just torn, you know? This is how I feel. Fuck you. Are you happy in your work? I feel great, I feel fantastic. I'm supported in my workplace. So they find like a DVD where it says his plan.

Is it the whole plan yet or just half the plan? Just half the plan. I was just going to skip it and we'll find it out later. Yeah. So obviously Pegasus M fires him, right? He doles out the worst punishment he used to be able to give a British civil servant. Oh my fucking god. Three months of paid leave. And? And? Your old job back.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, you only killed every single one of our best agents and then like embarrassed us repeatedly in front of a greatest ally of our nation. You can have your job back though. The PCS, the Public and Commercial Services Union, right? They might affiliate with a kind of dubious socialist party, but they represent the fuck out of Johnny English. Yeah.

Yeah, because he's killed all the other members. He's good. The whole union is just for him. To be honest, if I was Emma at this point, at this point, if I was Emma, I'd just be like, are you working for the Russians or something? How could he have done a worse job if it was on purpose? Yeah, I don't know. So he goes, he walks home in the rain.

Yeah, again, you get a moment of like distraught and embarrassed Johnny English, which is kind of funny. It's good to like see him genuinely cut up. I always like seeing men suffer. Yes. So, thank you. We will be signing merch after the show. But so, at this point, we get the show. But so at this point we get the Queen because...

Because Pascal Sauvage is just like Johnny English saw the fake Archbishop earlier on in the scene. We missed a bunch of details. Dev November and Abbey didn't mention it but he did. I've read the script on Pascal Sauvage. He's got a tattoo on his arse. He saw the fake Archbishop and the fake Archbishop has a tattoo on his bum. And so we're going to change the plan. We got plan B. Instead of doing the fake archbishop and the fake archbishop has a tattoo on his bum. And so we're going to change the plan. We got plan B. Instead of doing the fake archbishop, we're just going to get the queen at gunpoint and force her to abdicate.

Yeah, and they do a comedy bit where they hold the queen at gunpoint and it doesn't work. So they have to hold her at gunpoint another 199 times. So, same hit points as a GP would. No, they hold one of the corgis at gunpoint, and she's like, oh, fuck. She abdicates. I never thought you'd do this. And at this point I begin to wonder...

She wouldn't give a shit if you iced the corgis. Well, not now. No. This is what happens. They're all buried in there with her. Oh, they got mummified. They're ritually fucking entombed to serve her in the afterlife. There's not a...

There's nary a corgi to be found in any of the royal estate now. At this point, I do sort of wonder whether Neil Purvis and Robert Wade wrote the Bond Olympics opening sketch. And I wasn't able to find that out. I was picturing all the James Bond's in a race. Because I forgot about that. The Bond Olympics. The Bond Olympics, okay.

Now we're talking. Caroline Cossey is competing in the Bond Girl event and fucking J.K. Rowling's furious. Yeah. No, it wouldn't be Caroline Cosy. It would be like fucking Halle Berry competing in the Bond Girl event. Yeah, no, Caroline Cosy has not been allowed to be in the Olympics this year.

Yeah, so they do this. She signs away the crown from all of her heirs and descendants and stuff. She's losing the pole vault because his dick's too big. So it's just... Caroline Cosse losing the pole vault. Which? At this point I have to issue a cinema sins ding.

This is a formal warning and it will go on your permanent record. Because one of the henchmen hands in the crown jewels and they go, the crown jewels have been handed into a police station in North London It's Wood Street police station decommissioned. It's in the city of London really nice architecturally really imposing architecture So of course they sold it that has been the cinema since ding. Thank you at this time Okay, yeah, so so Johnny English is like you officer I So, so Johnny English is like... Thank you, officer. I do kind of like the hand wave here,

because clearly Pascal Sauvage has given up hard on doing this, like, the subtle way. He's like, fuck it, fuck it. Just give him the fucking crown jewels back. He has dropped off in a duffle bag. And it just puts the Queen to gunpoint. They get the scene where he is told that he's the king now. Right? Like, they're like, we've had a look, and the next in line is you.

And what's really good is that like, when he tells her, Jesus Christ, I'm losing my fucking train of thought here. When the fella, who I imagine is probably supposed to be the Prime Minister. Mr. Gibbs. Mr. Gibbs, of course, sorry. When Mr. Gibbs tells this fella, it's not that funny, it's not good enough, you know what, I'm not doing it. Okay.

No, I really... The build-up was way too long and it just wasn't gonna... I like John Markovich's pretend shock, where he's like, we've come up with a name, Pascal, and he's like, who is it? And he goes, it's you, and he goes, no! Sacrebleu! Sacrebleu!

So Johnny English then goes gamer mode. He stays in the apartment, he like games, he gets quite unkempt, he gets a beard. A beard of sorrow. And Nasally and Brulio should... He also doesn't change out of his white tux, so that's a beard of sort of the group overnight. It's got a stink.

It's not clear how long it is as well, because we get a little bit of like... We start seeing like the notes getting printed in preparation for the new King. They've barely done that now. By the way, insane to imagine getting the notes done like in advance. Chuck 3 has been King for however fucking long it's been. And I haven't seen his mug on anything.

No. I've seen things you're not seeing. Any corgis. Maybe a stamp. Charles the Third Bank notes. Charles the Third Bank. To teach the controversy. Seen that bass on my coin?

Nothing. To be fair, I feel like they don't know they can print money at the mint. Like that might be the problem that they're running into. Yeah. Rachel, if you're watching know they can print money at the Mint. Like, that might be the problem that they're running into. Yeah, yeah. Rachel, if you're watching, you can print money. Yeah, and you can get here probably tonight. Number 11's like right... I wouldn't though.

Bring the print! We'll help you... We'll show you how to work it. Yeah. I have some thoughts about fiscal policy. So, so, Natalie in Brugli go to visit him and it's like... This is so grim to do to her, right? To make her act this. Yeah. She's like, Johnny, like, we need to go to Act Three of the film now,

so you've hit your low point, it's time now to bounce back. And he's like, no, I can't. She goes, but what if you did? And he goes, yeah, right, we've got to do the rest of the movie. And she's like, stop refusing the call, idiot. And he's like, gotcha. And she says, Pascal Sauvage is hosting Crimes Con at his Chateau in France. We gotta go there to stop...

Some of the guest speakers were really good this year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah. I couldn't go, the sponsors had to boycott her. Barclays. I don't know why they won't invite me to be a featured creator at Crimes Con. They did it once two years ago, and I'm way bigger now than I was then. Inscrucible beef.

Which is really what I should have called the head of security at the Tower of London. My beef, inscrutable. Well, they're laughing, so it's got to be good, right? I can just get out of here and say fucking anything. Don't internalize that. So they drive to France in the Aston Martin. Yeah. And... Again, it's grim to do this to Natalie and Brulia,

but she kind of hits on them at a restaurant. She's like, listen, I have had like a three-year dry spell. Listen, references to the song Torn Aside, right? Natalie and Brulia. You would not have a one hour dry spell if you didn't want to. You can get here probably like night three if you... If you're in Australia.

Uh-huh, any Australian way. So Johnny English tries, this bit's almost funny, which is sort of a compliment. Yeah. Where he's obviously so overwhelmed with how horny he is that she takes it as him being chivalric. And she goes, like, thank you for being such a gentleman. And he goes, not at all with the thing

that contains multitudes. He's having a fucking I saw the TV glow moment in there. He's... There's also a bit now which seems strangely dated and also I noticed is the theme of this film that they drop hard for two and three, is that he says, I don't want to think about what Pascal Sauvage is going to do to the country I love.

And his love of his country is entirely sincere and one of his big character motivations is that he's genuinely patriotic. And now fucking like 21 years later, it's genuinely fucking weird to hear someone say that they love their country. Like even the M in James Bond couldn't do that when he was just like, oh, I believe in the principles

of this and it's like, he couldn't even come up with anything. I really enjoy the like, McTasso's order from the South Bank. Yeah. It's like, I really enjoy there's a Wendy's in Lincoln. Bond, you have to get hit by a missile for the sake of Wendy's in Lincoln. It's basically what happens to him. But so no, English fully does like, believe in and love his country. And because of this, he's like, we've got to infiltrate this, like,

Mont-Saint-Michel-style castle, where Sauvage is doing his evil plan. And she goes, do you want to go up the ladder? He's like, no, I have a better plan. I'm going to climb up this chute. And then we cut above the ch shoot, where every henchman, all the boys, engaging in a bonding activity called, all doing one communal shit.

Yeah. I've never done this as part of a team building thing. I don't think I'd want to work somewhere that did. It's an odd icebreaker to go with. But it breaks that ice. Let's go around the room and say two things about yourselves, and then also take a shit. At the same time, like, what if they don't need to go...

You don't sync up if you live with someone. If henchmen like it together, they kind of, their cycles sort of... Well, if they're not checking everyone, like, I guess you can just go in there and sit down for a bit. You know, if you want to hang out with the boys and you'd... Yeah, sure. So... They've all got diarrhea as well, like...

He does, yeah, he gets covered in shit. Yeah. Which is funny, apparently. He gets covered in shit. And at this point... She just climbs up the ladder, she's fine. Yeah. At this point, Pascal does outline his plan.

Yeah, which is... it's really poorly mixed, so I will be amazed if any of you can make out what his evil plan is, but he does say it. I will turn England into the largest prison in the history of the world. Between the mix and the accent, that's fucking... That's like a... Yeah, so, okay.

Voice scrambling technology. The plan is that the monarch can seize any piece of land they want. Yeah. Em does say, of course, the queen never uses this enormous power afforded to her, which is an interesting constitutional interpretation. So the idea is that like the moment Pascal is crowned king, he's going to do escape from New York, but with like the entirety of Britain. He's going to do escape from Turf Island. That was your entirety of Britain. He's going to do escape from turf island.

That was your plan too, right? That was your plan too, right? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. He's going to like put a big prison wall around the whole island and then he's going to turn Britain into like the prison of the world. Every country is going to send all of their prisoners to Britain. And then he's like, that's where...

And then like we're not going to run out of space for 500 years. We're all going to make a fucking fortune off doing this. Pascal Stammer. Hmm. That's what it feels like sometimes, man. Every day of my fucking life. Damn, Ireland's a prison. Hmm.

So, she fucking makes him shower off all of the French turds. He's still kind of vaguely turd covered. He's like punished Johnny for most of the rest of the movie. Because it's a white tuxedo. It's a hell of a punishment, yeah. To be at the receiving end of the communal workplace shit. That's something they were doing to like Marie Antoinette. Like, Cersei Lannister.

You can't do that. I really hate the communal work. Yeah, Bob's like, do you have a laboratory on your way here? Like, this is cool. Like, what fucking happens next? What happens next is that Johnny English accidentally, like, broadcasts his voice to the entire hall where he's telling Natalie and Brie, like, we have the element of surprise.

And then Pascal Savard is just really conty, like... his voice to the entire hall where he's telling Natalie and Brie that like, we have the element of surprise. I would hate for this to happen to me. And then Pascal Sauvage does a really conty like... And so Johnny English drops down and is like, aha, I've got you. And then Pascal pretends to be surprised. And then goons take him hostage. At this point Johnny English tries to take the DVD that has the... He's created a DVD presentation of his evil plan,

which is very thorough. It's kind of nice, yeah, it's fun. And he tries to take the DVD and we see that he mixes it up, right? Yeah. They get locked in prison. And he gets tied to Natalie in Berylia. Doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I might. And he's like, don't worry, I have a racist bit.

This is not a thing you should say, ever, but especially in this situation. And this is where how long a flight from Guatemala would you say? I guess we'll find out like night two or three either that or a bunch of Guatemalan show up night four where we're not here and it's just a really awkward situation all around but he kind of looks at the lock and he's like don't worry I learned a secret technique. The shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta. The shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta.

It turns out that if you vibrate your voice at the right frequency, people stop yelling at you for going into women's bathrooms. It's true, I learned this in Guatemala. Yeah, so you see... Guatemalan voice labs, they taught me everything I need to know. He gets right down next to the thing. He's like heat from fire, fire from heat. Um...

Ha ha ha ha ha! When sunlight strikes, raindrops in the air. And it doesn't... And it doesn't... It doesn't work, right? But he... Boff! One person laughing in the front row

in a very high pitch. Well done. Ha ha ha ha! Excellent resonance! Excellent resonance! Ha ha ha! I'm going to text Claire after this and be like, go one of yours in.

But the thing is, Natalie and Brulia is not in a DS relationship. I did the Cambridge Latin course version of voice feminization. First of all, that's why I sound like this, but it means all I got is Kykelius Estin-Halter. Thank you. Ah, the heckler. Boff breaks into the prison cell and frees them. And saves the day. Yeah, and Natalie's not doing the Boff bit with him, so he does for like, oh, I've learned

a technique in Guatemala. And she's just like, shut up. What are you stupid? Is there even a delta in Guatemala? I don't know. I'm not willing to say live without checking. That's reasonable. I think it's worth noting there's probably rivers in Guatemala. Yeah. Almost certainly. So we then cut to London, where Capitol Radio, remember that, is doing a bit...

It's real? Apparently. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, XFM was too cool for this movie, so it's capital. Yeah, they had a three dog on it. Yeah. And... I like the good Fallout games. Yeah, me too. That's what I fucking said. That's curious, because you didn't reference Fallout New Vegas, but instead Fallout 3. Name the other good Fallout games. Because you used a plural just then.

One and two. Yeah, 100%. Good. I like Fallout 4's base building. It was nice. I just started treating it like Minecraft creative mode basically. That's basically what Fallout 4 is. The game fucking sucks shit though.

Anyway, the bit is like, so we're about to be under like French rule, so text in with your favorite French thing, and no one has because everyone hates the French. Yeah, literally no rules. This was pre-wooferendum, right? So like there weren't people being performatively European in Britain yet, instead everyone had to be like, I hate those guns. Yeah.

It was before you could get like, your fucking French bread in cafes and said you had to have like English bread made of rocks. Yeah. And also before we realized that it actually rules. You couldn't get petty filet. Like those weren't allowed yet. No, no, no.

It makes bones grow stronger. Yeah. Couldn't get it. You had to have like small filets. We had fucked bones. Yeah. Bones were fucking stunted. Yeah, you couldn't get it. You had to have like small fillers. We had fucked bones. Bones were fucking stunted. It wasn't puberty vodka, it was this fucking absence of petty fillu. What the fuck is a panne chocolat?

So everybody hates the French, but everybody is also watching with bated breath the coronation. Remember when you did that? Remember what a big event that was internationally? Like you and your mates were like sitting around. It was a lot like football in like ads for Doritos or beer where you have like three very photogenic friends over to eat one bag of Doritos and watch the coronation. Do you remember when we did this? John Malkovich's coronation fit looks better than the real one did on the real king.

That's true. The real one looked like it was like sponsored by Cadbury's. Like... I know the reason for this because I remember the coronation happening and I was chatting to like the costume supervisor on House of the Dragon. It was just like, looks like shit because the royal family don't have a weathering department. It all looks brand new and clean because it is like a king's robe should be like aged and they should look like old and ancient.

That makes so much sense. It looks like he crafted a bunch of shit to himself. It looks like he got it on fucking Amazon. He looks like Finster. Like it looks like shit. Getting coronated in the classic Amazon basic skirt. Also, like, artificial fabrics, like real silk looks cheap now because of fake silk. Like, it just, polyester has ruined the king. By the power vested in me, you may now make dress go spinny.

That's for the transgenders. So, I think we'd better if Finster was crowned monarch. That'd be great. I don't. Any of them out there? That's a couple, wow. Ah, the heckler. Every time. So they do a couple of shots of Canadians watching the coronation because...

Like originally or did you fly here for this? Walk among us. Hello Canadians. Crazy. Some of my best bosses are Canadians. But yeah, because he's going to be king of Canada too. They're finally going to like, you know, the French in here was wrongly decided, right? They're going to fucking give it all to France now.

Australia, they have a bunch of guys with like the crocodile dundee hats being like, oh, the fucking king, innit? That's not an Australian accent. Oh, Struth, innit? Cunt. Oh, Struth, but... Oh, Struth, boss man. Me when I'm getting a kebab in Adelaide.

Me when I'm getting a kebab in Adelaide. I think one of the families in this little global montage is meant to be Indian as well and I'm like, no, we don't have that one anymore. We lost that one. I was getting to the point of the whole bit was that they also add in an Indian family and in India because the Taj Mahal is outside the window, they've got like lotus garlands on the TV and you're not king of that anymore. For like, at this point, 60 years.

Like, it wasn't a recent thing in 2003. It made quite... There was news. There was definitely like maids. I'm pretty sure people heard about it. I'm pretty certain that like people noticed in India when they stopped having a British King Just get it. Just get a nice desi breakfast from Shy Waller. It's on the like newspaper. They give you Just just like Queen Queen dead entombed with 500,000 corgis. Yeah. Oh

Crazy So yeah, we get that inexplicable shot, and the coronation goes ahead. But Johnny English is there to save the day. Haunting this coronation. It's Johnny English. He does a series of bits. He does a lot of bits.

He defrocks in a more literal sense. The Archbishop of Canterbury. Because he's like, he's got a tattoo on his ass. What I do respect is that Pascal tries to warn him off doing the Archbishop of Canterbury. Because he's like, he's got a tattoo on his arse. What I do respect is that Pascal tries to warn him off doing the Archbishop thing. He's just like, hold on, we scrapped the Archbishop thing, don't do this, don't do that. It's the real Archbishop instead, whoops. He pulls the Archbishop's frock and then underwear down and like exposes his backside to the entire world. To be fair, would be an interesting bit of TV, you know.

Like, watching the sort of coronation bloopers on Harry Hill's TV but... But so... And then he says... It takes a more body horror turn because he does try to pull off the Archbishop of Canterbury's face. Like an Excel bully. He just grabs hold of it... And tries to rip the entire face off of him. This is a surprisingly hardcore bit because Bof is in the control room.

And Bof has the BBC director at like gunpoint. For legal reasons, we can't complete that joke. Yeah. He's fucking operating, is Bof. Bof looks... Bof is dressed like Jason Bourne in this too. Jason Bof. Freed from Johnny English, Bof is like dangerously frighteningly competent. Yeah.

Johnny tells him, play the DVD of like Pascal Sauvage's Evil Presentation. And of course, because he got the DVDs mixed up, it's surveillance footage that the goons shot of Johnny English earlier, and it's him like lip-syncing to ABBA in his shower. Yeah. Which is funny. Is it? It's kind of funny.

Listen, okay, right, hold on. There's a long... I'm going to figure this out. You keep going. There's a long sequence where like they're playing that and everyone's like reacting to it You got a bunch of reaction shots and the reaction to the Johnny He is like singing along with it again still when I do kind of like Humor is the tendency of experiences to provoke Laughter let's highlight this shit because you don't have your notepad, it's on your phone, which

makes you look like the most distracted podcaster. Yeah. I basically, I could be looking at fucking Twitter on this, you don't know. Oh shit, it actually derives from the humoral medicine of the ancient Greeks, so you know, you can take that knowledge to the bank. The blood bank. And so Johnny, he swings down, he grabs the crown out of the archbishop's hands, just as it's about to go into Pascal's head.

And at this point, Pascal makes a fatal error, which is that he decides to just completely expose himself as a villain. He pulls a gun, like a really cunty little gun actually. What is it? I actually wasn't, I didn't catch this. I failed you, I'm afraid. I was counting on your gun's autism. I know, and the worst part is this is an organization that doesn't tolerate failure.

Ah, the Heckler and Koch G36. Close enough. He pulls a cunty little gun, which by the way is the same color as his outfit. I love that. Yeah, I was going to say, open up like internet movie firearm database. IMFCB Johnny English. Yeah, let's just get to the bottom of this. I love having like a gun that's like on theme with your outfit.

I think that's adorable. Yeah. And he gives this like angry speech that is specifically anti-English. It's like he does anti-English racism. And he says like, all this country... Yeah, yeah. He says, he goes, all this shitty little country has to do is stand in line and do this all for one day,

but it can't even do that. And everyone is like, oh, I'm so offended. It's actually a Warthor PPK. Oh, cute. Looks smaller when it's not in a Bond movie. Warthor PPK. And when it's in stainless steel. But yeah, so he's like, yeah, England.

The gang of the women. England, that's right. England fucking sucks. I can't wait to put you all in prison. It was very similar to, again, the Stammer victory speech. I welcome you all going to prison. And he tries to be crowned at gunpoint, but Johnny English falls down above him,

pushes him out of the seat throne, and then the crown goes on Johnny English's head, which apparently makes him king? That makes him king, yeah. Due to the ancient Norman law of dibs. Johnny English then becomes king and goes like, right, arrest that guy. Yeah, he goes, take him away.

And they do, and they do take away, and everyone starts cheering. In fairness, this is only like 10% sillier than actually having a magic hat that people think makes you the boss of them. That's true. Yeah, true, I guess. But so, that's sort of the movie. We get a little epilogue. Yeah, so the queen brackets reinstated.

They dig her up. They put her back. Yeah, Johnny English abdicates, which does mean that for the next two nights, canonically, the character we're talking about has been King of England, briefly. I'll bring that up once or twice. For like ten minutes, yeah. And the Queen says, can your country do anything for you? And he's just like, yeah, suck my dick and balls from the back.

He asks for a knighthood, which is less than Hillary Cascot. So, you know, considering. And... I do like that we get the sort of like voiceover, it's like they're going to kill Pascal Savage, by the way. They're going to kill him. Much like Danger Diabolic, they're like, we've reinstated the death penalty.

But like, no, he's like, accused of treason, and they're like, by the way, that still carries the death penalty. But like, no, he's like, accused of treason, and they're like, by the way, that still carries the death penalty. And then they don't touch it again. It's a myth, it's a myth. They're going to kill him. They're going to kill him. You can't touch us for shit!

But... You could five years for it being a Zoom call, though. It would not be a Kill James Bond type of movie if we didn't finish with one last piece of ableism. Because Pascal Sauvage is quoted on the radio as saying that he wants his brain to be donated to better understand the causes of, and this is a quote, hypomanic schizophrenia.

This is a dude who has previously seemed perfectly in control of his faculties. Never seemed manic, hyper manic, any of this. But it's just a little fun line to end on, to be like, check it out, schizophrenia, that's a thing that exists. Huge laugh line, I imagine. Yeah, the girl got crazy in 2003. It is a silly sounding word.

Yeah. Is that the joke? Yeah, genuinely, yeah. Here's a silly sounding word. Yeah. Is that the joke? Yeah, genuinely, yeah. I'm just like, ooh. Okay. So Natalie Brueggele gets ejected and I'm going to eject a seat. That's not funny. I will say, here's some silly sounding words.

It's a lot of our bread and butter. That's true. She lands in a swimming pool next to Boff, who is enjoying a nice holiday. Yeah, they eject to see her. Just because it says 24-7, it doesn't have to be 24-7. You're allowed to say it for it and go to the south of France for a bit. It's fine. Pro tip, by the way, if a car pulls up with the skylight

entirely and only above the passenger seat in the front, get in the back. Get in the back. And the final joke of the movie, which I do quite like, is someone else sitting by the pool who lowers a newspaper and looks at Natalie landing in the pool. And it's the guy who looks exactly like the weird henchman he described earlier with the orange hair. And I was like, okay, that's quite funny.

That's quite funny. That's kind of funny. Okay. I'll let you have it. I have to ruin your night, right, and say that this movie was catastrophically profitable. I too aspire to someday be catastrophically profitable. People love this shit because people love Mr. Bean, and they go, that's a movie with fucking Mr. Bean in it, so I will take my kids to see...

I don't want to see a movie with fucking Mr. Bean in it. Honestly that feels like a crime. Flicking Mr. Bean? I don't think Mr. Bean can consent. There's a fucking Lucy Valentine tweet from like 2020 that's like, Mr. Bean would do all sorts of Rube Goldberg shit to your clip. And I think about that... ...genuinely all the time. Not to mine.

Yeah, he's going to have to fucking find it. What does this movie say about masculinity, about Englishness, about what your dad thinks is cool, presuming your dad is like a white English guy of a certain age. First of all, right. Fuck traffic lights. No, fuck... Speak cameras.

Fuck speak cameras to pieces. Fuck them raw out of here. Fuck the French. Yep. And Aston Martin is a cool car to drive. Japanese food is disgusting. It's not even just disgusting, it's like... It's weird.

Yeah, it's weird and disgusting. It's just like..., it's like, it's weird. Yeah, it's weird and disgusting. I'll tell you what is quite nice though, is that... So Johnny English... The first half is said it's going to sound bad. Johnny English does sexually assault two people on camera, however... He was dissociating. However? He was dissociating. However, it's nice that he's not like predatory. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's accidental nonsing. Yeah, like Natalie and Brutus is really into him and he doesn't know what to do with that. And he doesn't get the girl at the end, right? Because of his own buffoonishness, right? Like the bean nature takes over. He feels the sort of bean rising within him. In a way, like Johnny English 2003, you know, accidental sexual assaults aside. Weird subplot.

What a phrase. I feel uncomfortable with this. In a way, it's like less misogynistic than like some later Bond films would be. Do you know what I mean? I think my problem with this is Pervis and Wade have written quite a competent comedy thing. The director did Sliding Doors, which is a good rom-com. It's like a well-made film. It's just kind of mediocre.

And this is the problem, is that this establishes a theme, which is when there's a gap in Bond, you get Johnny English. This is Bond off season. This is the Bond franchise with its tie undone, right? And it's like poured itself kind of too large of a drink. And I think if you view this, like, you know how they used to say that like Sinn Fein with the political wing of the IRA, this is like the comedic wing of James Bond.

It is, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is James Bond's like al-Nusra. Like it's, and you have to, if you condemn James Bond, then you have to buy the same token because the political ends that it seeks to achieve are illegitimate. You have to condemn also Johnny English.

I have no problem doing that. Yeah. I thought that was what we're here to do. That's right. We're here to kill him. We're going to condemn him. We're going to kill the bastard. Well, I like to ramp these things up, you know.

They've already cast the fourth one. I'm not asked. This is true, right? Because again, gaps, right? Like... Sorry, that's me learning right now that there's a fourth one. On live on stage, yeah. They are making a fourth, that's me learning right now that there's a fourth one.

They are making a fourth. They are filming it right now. They're filming it right now as we speak. They are filming Johnny English 4 in Malta. If you could get here tonight... Oh, I'll tell you what, we could all get to Malta. Secret fourth night just announced in Malta! But yeah, no, it's... It's fully all of the same stuff that was in Bond.

In Brosnan Bond specifically. Like just being laundered through physical comedy and how funny the bee sound is. It's cope! It's cope! They're coping with the fact that people found Dying of the Day so bad is funny. They're like, we meant it to be funny, actually. Yeah, and you'll see over the next two nights,

tickets still available, that the English franchise follows very closely the trajectory of the Bond franchise. Johnny English 2 is like Post Craig, it's grimmer, it's darker, there's a bit where he gets his testicles whipped with a knotted rope, and that's not true, but... That's Boff, Boff gets that. Oh, good for him. That's what's happening to Boff during the second one that he's not in.

He's like, black side shit. He's in North Korean prison. It's a real shame. Getting scorpions dangled over. He was never the same. But... He signed that letter in support of JK Rowling. Yeah, from North Korean prison, really.

But we don't have to resort to subjective judgments on this podcast, because we have, back with the whiteboards, a science-based system. Woo! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, I was kind of fine actually. I don't want to do this. It stands for smarm, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. And how smarmy is Johnny English? It's always tough to hear a fucking comedy with how smarmy it is,

because we're talking about how pleased with itself this movie is. Somewhat. The J-turn. When he pulls off the perfect J-turn and the Aston Martin, even though you get the close-up of him being like, oh, you jammy bastard to himself, it's not enough. It's like, fuck off, I don't like you,my bastard to himself. Yeah. It's not enough. It's like, fuck off. Like, I don't like you. Why would I be?

Yeah, he's like suddenly com- I mean, kind of the thing is, it's all Smaam, but then it's undercut by him, like, getting stuff wrong, fucking up, being an oaf. All that stuff about, like, the Guatemalan throat warblers and shit, that's all Smaam, yeah. The shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan delta. Pretty fucking Smaam-y.

That's pretty bad. Is it still Smaam if you then have the guy do a pratfall afterwards? Yes. Shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta. Pretty fucking smarmy. That's pretty bad. Is it still smarm if you then have the guy do a pratfall afterwards? Yes. So an existential question. Well in that case, seven. Oh, okay, cool. Nice.

Yep, I'm down for seven. Unprovoked violence. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. The sum system? Sum? Oh yeah. It's really hot up here. It's called the cum's system.

Yeah, how big is this movie's cum's? Huge. Oh wow, yeah. Small. Cultural insensitivity. Listen, we're not grading on a curve, seven. I got multiple racist noises. You know what I've got to grade you if you have multiple racist noises? That shit's not funny. You can't do that.

That's not even including like the Bedouin line or the Ori and Marley line or the fucking Yo-Sushi line. I'm pretty sure... Are there any characters of color in this? No. Not even one. Not a single one. Which is crazy for 2003. Yeah, I think I want to go...

Like Bond movies had, like, the last Bond movie had Halle Berry in it in a leading role. And this one, which is like a couple of years later, is like, you know what, we're just an all-white cast. Yeah, especially in a film that is ostensibly about like English or British patriotism. It's really weird to do that, actually. Yep, barely has women in it, let alone people of color. It's got like one white woman. And she's Australian.

Yeah. Seven. Seven. I think she's British Australian, to be honest. Unprovoked violence. I mean, to be honest, he's a man more sinned against than sinning, right? He's the guy who climbs up the poop chute rather than the guy...

Some of you saw season one, episode two of The Boys. It's... Yeah. No, he's not really violent, is he? He doesn't really kill anyone. No, he does not do unproven... A lot of his weapons are non-lethal, like the muscle relaxant serum. Yeah, his gun literally doesn't work. Like, through. He is disarming the security services himself.

Mm. By accident. Yeah, yeah. Is he anti-carceral? He's anti-cop? He does imprison a guy and lead directly to his execution, but presumably that's above his pay grade. But he prevents, what, 65 million people from being imprisoned. So... Oh, the Johnny English doing the trolley problem, yeah. Okay.

I might be as... I genuinely think it's nothing. He's technically doing prison abolition. He's technically doing prison abolition. You think about it, Johnny English is one of the most successful prison abolitionists this country's ever seen. I don't like that. I don't like that. I guess, I guess, I hate to say it, this may be praxis.

We give you the theory, Johnny English gives you the praxis. Christ, zero? Zero. Maybe, yeah. Have we ever done that before? Give it one, I don't even know if we can go to zero. You'll give it a one. You don't get, no, no, no, you don't get input on it. What are they yelling at us?

Sorry, I don't. It's not a democracy. It's your own time you're wasting. It's a triumph for it. And misogyny. Sorry, a veron triumph. Well, It's a triumph for it. And misogyny. Sorry, a veron triumvirate. Um, well, there's one woman in it. And she falls in love with him.

Yep. Doesn't like consummate that, I guess, but that's because again he turns into Mr. Bean. Which is a pretty good reason not to consummate anything. If you ask me. Yeah, Mr. Bean absolutely cannot consent. Yeah, for sure. She's like good at the spy stuff. She gets a little fight scene that's so boring we didn't mention it in the coronation. Yeah, that's true. She gets to do some action.

Clutching straws. Yeah. It's bad. Five? Five. I'll do five. Okay. I mean, a lot of the other... There's like a secretary at the start Yeah. It's bad. Five? Five. I'll do five.

I mean, a lot of the other, there's like a secretary at the start who gets hit with a dart gun from a pen. So boring, we didn't even mention it. Throw away money penny joke. Not interested. Five, six, five. Send it. Yeah, weird though that it's better than a lot of the Bond films.

Yeah, by a mission. Yeah, yeah. It's the same way as me saying, I'm better at parallel parking than a guy who, like, killed someone running them over with his car. I am better at leaving a studio parking lot than Steve Coogan. I don't drive. I... Steve, if you're watching, you could...

You could make it here probably too fast, actually. Steve, if you're watching, have the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever. While we're leaving the venue later on. That gives it a total score of 20, which is pretty bad. You don't say. Yeah, I mean, I'm looking back over our notes here. It's sort of, it's a Brosnan Bond which fits, right? Yeah.

Like... Sixth Brosnan Bond. Yeah, like it's a little bit, it's a high Brosnan Bond. It's the same as Thunderball. Yeah, the tracks. Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's like a bad Bond film. How much do we enjoy watching it, personally's like a bad Bond film.

How much should we enjoy watching it, personally? More than the other two. That's certainly true. This movie sets a low bar and it will once again fail to clear it. And we are going to tell you all about that tomorrow night, the same time, the same place, and then Johnny English 3, the night after that, come to all of those buy livestream tickets. And it only remains for me to say that we are selling merch, we are signing merch, we'll be around, we'll be circulating at the end.

And thank you so much for watching, thank you so much for coming out. We hope to see you again the next two nights, but if not, it has been an absolute pleasure. We have been Kill James Bond. Good night. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!