Kill James Bond! - S3E27: Johnny English Reborn [LIVE]

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

Check out the video of this live show on our youtube! It's years later. King Johnny the First of England has been fired from MI7 for gross misconduct. Bough is nowhere to be seen. The world calls out- Will he answer? This- recorded live at Conway Hall on the 10th of August- is Johnny English Reborn! Artwork by Gwen Snow and Mia Cain ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. They deserve to survive.https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Conway Hall, please welcome to the stage, Kill James Bond. Good evening. Hello and welcome to another live episode of Kill James Bond. Hello. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne. Hey! CHEERING And Devon.

CHEERING And I'm joined by my friend, November. CHEERING Singular friend there. That was very rude of me. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for that. And we've gathered you all here today Singular friend there. That was very rude of me. Yeah, thank you for that. And we've gathered you all here today so that you can endure a retelling of 2011's Johnny English Reborn.

Yeah, that's what we're doing here. Just in case that didn't really jive with what we're doing. We're just going to talk about a movie we've seen. Yeah, sort of asking, are the chains really necessary to talk about Johnny English Reborn? And I have to explain, no, no, this is a part of my power. No, so we can... Oh, okay, sure.

Maybe after, like... If you're doing anything like... Anyway. So, some of you were here last night for Johnny English. I hope to see some of you again tomorrow night for Johnny English Strikes Again. He's recently been cursed by a witch. You have to see all three Johnny English films. Some of you are watching on the livestream. Thank you for that.

You can still buy tickets for Night 3. You can still buy tickets for the livestream for Night 3. And we hope to see you then. However, we developed a theory last night about Johnny English, which is when Bond is weak, English is strong. Yes, yes, yes. He's quite like Melkor in that regard. Like when the Valar are weak, he creeps back into the heart of Middle-earth. Yeah, yeah. And it's kind of like a semi-official relationship

where when Bond is having an off year, then you get a Johnny English movie. It's why they're filming one now. Johnny English 4 is being filmed even as we speak. Dare we imagine. Just heard someone in the front row go, Jesus Christ. They're going, I need to know something how to do it.

To Knackenton getting up and going out. Tell you one thing about this job, you're never out of work. You know, they don't stop making bad movies. Yeah, well, because the reason that the Johnny English and the Bond like waxes and wanes is because the same guys who write it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Purvis and Wade. And also... Did they write this?

No, they wrote the first one. This guy was written by the guy... Oh, that jingling is going to get first one. This guy was written by the guy... Oh, that jingling is going to get really fucking annoying. Was written by the guy who did Flushed Away, so it only remains for me to say... Fuck off. You know what it is.

Careful, Whitey! You should only be able to do one James Bond parody movie. What? You get a lifetime limit. You get a lifetime ban. Yeah. No, it's like radiation diving once you've been exposed to it a certain amount. Yeah. You can't do it again.

And look at what he did to Daniel Craig. Like he looks so different now. Yeah, they were outside this room. They were like, you've got six seconds to be in the movie Johnny English 2. Go, go, go. I serve the United Kingdom. It's a bunch of people in a ward who were in Johnny English for right now They think they're fine, but in a week

Gonna be coming up shame, but so this came out in 2011 Which if you remember was after quantum of solace came out when quantum of solace came out people were like oh shit Oh fuck we we fucked on this one bonds a flop. It's over. No one likes Daniel Craig We have no idea what to do next right and there's before skyfall and so to kind of take a breather to build space for themselves they did Johnny English reborn they fucking reconstituted him as a kind of ablative heat shield for for Craig fingers like well you thought that spy movie was bad what if we made a worse one? Doesn't look so bad now.

It's like fucking negotiating with a Barton Meinhoff gang. Like, you think it can get bad now, you know. One Johnny English movie every decade. So we begin in a smoky room where two men are discussing Johnny English. Formerly Sir Johnny English. He's had the title stripped from him. Formerly King Johnny English. Formerly Sir Johnny English. He's had the title stripped from him. Formerly King Johnny English? Yeah!

He got his knighthood stripped from him and he used to be the king. You can't do that! If you missed the end of Johnny English 1 last night he does become king at the end. Briefly. Accidentally for like five minutes. But he is King Jonathan the First.

Yeah. Trades it in for a knighthood and then they take that off him. You got King Jonathan the First, Sir Johnny English, and now he's just like a sir. They like served him for this. They peasantified my boy. They demoted him to like villain, to peasant. He's out of here.

He's the only member of the royal family to like ever have any consequences. Well, Charles the First, but... Only modern member of the royal family to have any consequences. There's still time. Yeah. Yeah, he buy tickets now So but yeah, he has to like prestige being a secret agent right because he has to he has to always be the underdog And so he has to start from zero, he has to start from peasant. Yes. And so these two guys are like, oh well, you know, we don't trust him anymore after the Mozambique incident.

Which is absolutely a case of, from the first movie, where you just say a place that sounds foreign, you know, the fucking... The Bedouin monks of the Almagreb Mountains, the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta. You know, this type of shit. They don't really do that again in this movie, which thank Christ for that. He got it out of his system in Mozambique. We don't know what he did in Mozambique,

but it was sufficient to get the knighthood stripped from you, which, if you say those words to me, I'm thinking the phrase historical offenses, but... Yeah, right? He's actually brought in a new law to prevent vexatious prosecutions against Johnny English. You can't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's technically a covert human intelligence source, so nothing he does is illegal, which is grim to consider.

Yeah, because of his enemies being ontologically evil. Nothing Johnny English does is a crime. Apart from whatever he did in Mozambique that got him demoted to peasant. Anyway, these two people in the smokey room, they say, well, the guy that we need to make contact with will only speak to Johnny English. Presumably he's some sort of awful masochist. A buff. A buff. So we've got to get him back. Where is he?

And we cut to Dr. Strange. Oh, you thought the first movie was racist. This... Sorry, sorry, I just realized it's Sharon Stone at the front row. Cards on the table, right? Of the three, this is the most racist one. And it indicates that it's the most racist one because we go well, where could he be? Yes My man is in Tibet. Yeah. Yeah, he's in Carmitage. He's in Shangri-La

Yeah, he's looking like a kind of Poundland Stephen Strange as you say, he's got the little goatee and everything He's got the ropes andatee and everything. He's got the robes and he's like practicing kata and stuff. He's learning how to use the mind stone. He's dragging rocks on his nuts. He's getting kicked in the nuts. It's a lot of nuts stuff. It's mostly nuts. There's a lot of CBT brackets, cock and ball torture, in this monastery.

I'm not sure if it is a monastery, if he's just gone to Tibet's finest club for this stuff, but genuinely. There is a joke that I like where they tie a boulder to his nads, and he has to pull the boulder with it. I remember when the GOC made me do this. Yeah, they do a couple other things, and then they come back, and they've done it with a larger boulder. So he's progressing.

He's jelking. Yeah, he is. Yeah. Up a mountain. We must imagine Sisyphus. Must... No! No! How bad do you have to have pissed off the gods for them to be like,

you're going to have to haul this boulder up a mountain for the rest of time by the testicles? It's going to be like haul this boulder up a mountain for the rest of time by the testicles. It's going to be like an ironic punishment, right? So he's got to have done something nuts-related in life. Something nuts-related and extremely hubristic. Kick Zeus in the nuts, I guess. But enough about my work on. I've got the biggest nuts in the world, maybe even bigger than Zeus.

And the man himself just comes down and it's like fucking mountainside right now. And like Prometheus, the nuts grow back every day. God, that would be a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. God damn. But so, he's learning, he's learning Kung Fu from these monks, right, which allows me to hit racist noises one.

I have this time three racist noise drops, which is an improvement on... The opposite of an improvement. What's the opposite of an improvement? It's an improvement. We've got way more racist noises. Let's go. Decline! A decline from one when we had only two racist drops. But yeah, because he's like sparring with a guy who hits him with this noise.

Hey! Get out of there! Get out of there! Huh? Get out! They can't get enough of this shit. Like from Tomorrow Never Dies On, like it's just been the same joke.

And he hits him with a gong, right? Yeah, they try to introduce this weird theme, which is that Johnny English is not physically capable, but he is, in a sense, wise? He's like wise. So when the guy bows to him before the fight, he just kicks him in the head as he's bowing, which James Bond also did

in The Man with the Golden Gun, you may remember. They do this later on as well, where there's some obstacle that would normally be overcome by doing spy shit, and Johnny English simply walks around it. So they're trying to make it out that he's clever, and I'm like, the whole point of this character is that he's not. Not anymore. He's competent as fuck in this.

He's really good at doing spy shit. Which doesn't seem like... That's not the same guy. No. That's not how the jokes work. The first one was a guy who like accidentally sexually assaulted two women. Like that's the level of competence he was operating on, right? He mistook one of them for a pair of curtains. It's a terrible movie. This one, he's just good at stuff. He's straightforwardly good at stuff.

I have a theory as to why. But so he completes his like jelking training or whatever. Yeah. And the head of this monastery... It's long as hell now. You're ready. The chief monk brings him in and goes, that shit's long as fuck, brother. Get out there. And MI7 needs you back in London,

so you have to get back on the next plane. Which he does. And they do like a straight intro sequence, a straight title sequence. No Robbie Williams this time, lower budget. And he gets to Toshiba British Intelligence because of privatization. I like this joke, I thought this was funny.

This is the movie's one joke that hits, right? Is, oh, the fucking government's privatizing a lot of shit these days. It's almost like there's like a Toshiba British Intelligence. And you're just like, yeah, I guess. The joke is that like MI7 has been sold off to Toshiba. And like when he goes in, it's like purple Toshiba spying for you or something. Yeah, and when he does, you detect the presence of boomer particles for the first time. Because previously this had just been racist, right?

But then he goes into the reception, and it's a bunch of women wearing call center headsets, being like, you know, like a call center. And it's like, the joke here is, oh, those are a thing that exist in 2011, aren't they annoying? And you just kind of go... Oh, was that a joke? Yeah, no, fully, it's meant to be.

It's meant to be that they've got a bunch of people on the phones It's like they literally do a for mi6 press one for mi5 press to joke in the third one It's coming from the same place. Yeah, that's why the joke is just like call centers exist That's why it's the most topical humor of 2011, you know So he goes to meet Pegasus, which is like M, right? And they've replaced the last guy with Gillian Anderson, which is always a good decision. What are you doing? My note in this one does say,

why does Gillian Anderson look so much like Abigail Thorne? No! Like they give her the Abigail Thorne look, it's very good, big fan. Thank you. And she's like, alright. She fully does the Bond your piece of shit thing again. We hate you.

Second consecutive time. She says, well MI7 is woke and sorry. I have the drop. Yeah, she says this a bit later on. She says... May I remind you all that MI7's current weapon of choice is dialogue? It's current weapon of choice is dialogue. Some of the dialogue in this film is a fucking weapon, let me tell you. LAUGHS But she almost verbatim does the golden eye thing. The current weapon of choice is dialogue. Some of the dialogue in this film is a fucking weapon, let me tell you.

But she almost verbatim does the golden eye thing. She says the guns, the fast cars, and the chauvinism are all on their way out. And it's like... She has a yoga ball in her office. She has a cat. MI7 has been like feminized by force. Yeah. He does a bit where he like knocks the cat out of the window and then mimes that he has the cat, which does allow me this drop.

There's a good pussy. Who's a good pussy? Just in case you needed a... Good pussy. Every woman in a Roger Moore Bond film was named like Dr. Pamela. Good pussy. But so far we're just doing like Bond pastiche, whatever. Yes, it's very basic.

It's like, it's, it's... 2010s, you know, like everything is gritty now, even Johnny English. It's true. The Bond pastiche continues because of who walks in now. It's Rosamund Pike. Yeah. Who you may remember as the extremely hot fencing villainess from Die Another Day. And that had already come out by this point, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long since. Yeah. And this establishes a pattern. She was Miranda Frost. She was the one who in Die Another Day was like, I'm never going to ever have sex with James Bond. Oh! That's about how long it took. That's what she does in this fucking movie as well.

She's like, I'm not having sex with Johnny English. We'll not have sex with Johnny English. First of all, easy promise to make, easy promise to keep. I will never have sex with Johnny English. I can't, I don't think he's capable. I think he's going to get into some kind of shenanigans before that gets to happen. Yeah.

Imagine Rowan Atkinson trying to put on a condom as Johnny English. That shit's going to be like, to the fucking chewing fan. Hall of the Mountain King going in the background. Yeah. Some of you watched the movie beforehand. Fucking chicken on his head or whatever. Like, he's going to slip, like, my kitchen's going to be on fire, and I'm just like, you know what, get out.

I'm just going to order a takeaway. But so Rosamund Pike being in this is part of a pipeline, right? And if you're in a Bond movie, not a very good one, then five years later or so, your fate is to be in a Johnny English movie. I hate to say it because Olga Korolyenko is in the third one, which means Johnny English 4, by the kind of like law of the pipeline, has to have Lea Cedone in it.

It's just got to. Oh yeah, I was going to say like... She's going to be in Malta right now reacting to Rowan Atkinson being like, the way you do this with the condom is very sexy to me. That's how Lea Sado sounds. Lea Sado watching the livestream like, oh god. It's genuinely terrible. So she's like a behavioral psychologist, right?

And he's going to be monitored by her. And there's also Agent One, which is a joke they did in the first one, right? Agent One is 007, James Bond. He's like a Chad agent. He's our best spy. Yeah. And Em tells Johnny English well. So we have a contact. He's our best spy. Yeah. And Em tells Johnny English well, so we have an

a contact, he's ex-CIA and he believes that there is a plot to assassinate the Chinese Premier and for some reason he's only wants to talk to you Johnny, he's a big fan of Blackadder, would love to meet you. It's literally the plot of Tomorrow Never Dies. Yeah. Yeah. They just copied the thing. And he's like, okay, fine. I'll go to the thing. But first, we have to have a Q scene. Yes. Right. And we do get a Q.

This is Tim McKinnonny, who you may remember as Captain Darling in Black Hatter Goes Forth. I knew I fucking recognized him. Yeah, it's a guy I love to see, to be honest. He's really doing a good job in this one. And Q-Branch basically, it's all the same love to see to be honest like he's really doing a good job in this one and cube branch Basically, it's it's all the same jokes and the Brosnan things but like it doesn't even have like a more comic gloss on it It's the same. It's indistinguishable. It's bond with the serial numbers filed off. Yeah No, you get like you like a sound system and the CD fires out really fast

Did that one fuck's sake The fires out really fast. There's also things that shit. Brosnan did that one, for fuck's sake. Very limited number of things. However, the one joke in this scene is that Q has developed the voice-changing travel lozenges. Abby, thank you for borrowing a perfectly ordinary round-freeze fruit pastel from me.

I'm sure this isn't a set-up to anything. And so when Johnny English hits the lozenges, he sounds like this. Crystal clear, Pegasus. It's okay. The lozenges that voice train you instantly. Could make a fortune selling this. You're gonna put Claire out of business.

Um... You're gonna put Claire out of business. Yeah. Hate that. Fucks me off. I love that I can get them with it every time. We all get one voice, but in typical Abigail Thorne... the words...

She gets two. She uses dialogue as a weapon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We're not right. I need another one so I can go back. We are not gonna do a bit where we all chew into the microphone. I don't have a second voice. Well, I guess you're gonna discover one in real time, you know. Do you need me to dub you? Devin has been voiced by an actor. I'm gonna take a bite of this and go, wow, they really work. Give me a second here.

Hi, I'm Devon. Okay. That worked very well. Totally convincing. I love cider and plieser heels. And I grew up on a farm. Not true. And I'm really kind to my friends. That is true. That's true, yeah.

Vouch. Vouch. I know three or four facts about you as well. Don't ask me now though. When you said it like that it sounded like the Mad Men blackmail threat. Like, would you say I know something about you Abigail? What? I missed all of that. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it Kitten. It'll be really funny on the recording.

Christ, I hope so. If this is funny, sound off in chat right now. Yeah, I hope chat is blowing up, but I have no idea. We also meet our boss. Oh yeah, we're doing a thing. Oh, something about Q by the way. Yeah, he uses a wheelchair, a motorized wheelchair of his own design, right, which is pretty much the only way you can get one in England at this point. It has a bunch of little gadgets in it. It's the wheelchair that pulls a gun on you,

which again, I think might be useful in England for disability rights. Yeah. Sometimes, down there. It can go at up to 60 miles an hour and it cuts a little gun out. Yeah, the joke is that he lost both legs testing a pair of exploding Brogues. Which is kind of... Yeah, it gets that laugh. That's about it, yeah. Like, if you think the word Brogues is funny, then you get a little laugh out of it.

But so, he shows him the car as well. Oh, yes! Oh, Jesus. Fuck me to... So, something we mentioned last night, right? Rowan Atkinson huge car guy right like friend of Jeremy Clarkson guest on Top Gear infinity times owns a bunch of like weird cars and so Consequently he used and this is an improbable sentence to say the clout of Johnny English

to make Rolls Royce put a V16 engine in one of their cars. It's one of one. It's the only one that exists. It exists because of the movie Johnny English Reborn. And it exists for fucking Tim McInnerney to go, look at it, it's fucking cool, isn't it? Yeah. And you go, yeah, I guess.

Perfect, money well spent. But it also doesn't really work as a Bond car, because first of all, like, a Rolls-Royce is not a sports car. You can't, like, thrash that around a corner after the she-for-a firing a gun out of it. It's a fucking Rolls-Royce. Like, it handles like a fucking tank. And secondly, like, at least with an Aston Martin, like, okay, you give James Bond the super-deeper expensive Aston Martin, and then, like, your dad can get the cheaper version of it on finance

if you, like, saved up what really works out and has a professional job. Like, I can get the sort of branding, but, like, you can't afford a Rolls unless you're, like, old money. Or you've got a lot of residuals from Blackadder. But it's aspirational to him specifically. Like, it's not to, like, the dads that are going to be watching. It's to Rowan Atkinson who's like, I really want a cool car.

This is the thing, he becomes Johnny English more and more. The shit's taking him over like the symbiote. And this is the point where we really start to see it, is where he's like, yeah, I actually really want like a V16 Rolls Royce. Like, Bof is the symbiote and they've fused. Yeah. Johnny!

Johnny! Get in the Rolls, Johnny! Do a putt fall, Johnny! Just a really black gooey Rolls Royce. Fall over, Johnny, it'll be funny. Rowan Atkinson's entire jaw detaches and he just like eats someone's head. Okay, I would watch that one to be fair. To be clear, Boff, we're referencing Ben Miller, who was the sidekick in the first movie.

He's not in this movie because he was funnier than Rowan Atkinson. He's gone. And so he was like, alright, no, fuck this guy, fuck this guy. Get me another guy instead. And the guy that they get is Daniel fucking Kaluuya. You're right, you're right. But, bear with me. Aged about like 17 and he's like, his deal is junior agent. And so the first thing that Johnny English says

when he looks at Daniel Kaluuya, the first non-white person to appear in a Johnny English film, he says, I shit you not. Well, it'll be good to have somebody to carry the bags. Oh. The shit that they put in, Dr. No. Johnny. Yeah, fuck me. Like it really is that we haven't, Dr. No. Johnny.

Yeah, fuck me. Like, it really is that we haven't moved on from Quarrel. No. Johnny Ingers is like, fetch my shoes. Because the thing is, the racism in Bonds is actually, it's not chronological, it's incremental. So this being the second one, it has to have as much racism as the second Bond movie did. Wow, I think you've cracked it. Yeah, they're going to have to...

Wait, I've got the scum scores here. Have you fucking like algorithmed the scum? Like that's fucking... We're back there with whiteboards. Fucking hell. I'm like, I'm locked in on this. I'm going to get my fucking PhD in Bondology and Bondonomy after this. 36-year-old Australian PhD in Bondology.

There's an Nobel Prize for Media Studies in this for us if we can crack this. Doing bondoscropy or something. But so... Miles Jupp is also here. Yeah, Miles Jupp shows up to be like, has anyone seen the lozenges that trans your voice instantly and turn you into sounding like Abigail Thorne? Fine. We love Miles Jupp.

We like Miles Jupp cameo. One of the big buff things is the... Ooh, a big buff thing. Oh, no be nice Wow, okay One of the big buff things is that he calls Johnny English sir the whole time because he's his power bottom right yeah And they've got a power boss if you will indeed and they've kept that going with Daniel Collier's character. Yeah, Tucker There's no sexual relationship between Tucker and Johnny English. None at all. He's actually canonically twenty. I don't blame Daniel Kaluuya for not wanting to act that.

That's fine. You know, I respect it. But he does call Johnny English sir the whole fucking movie. Yeah, Hissin is right. You have to picture this as like a bow string that is winding up towards the most racist line in the movie, and that's including the carry the bags line, right? Oh, Agent One is here also. That's Dominic West, McNulty from The Wire,

doing his actual English accent for once. And again, they missed the trick. I said this in the first movie, right? That like it's an interesting thing to explore what it's like working with James Bond because he's probably a dick. Instead, in this one at least, he's just kind of like... He's a sleaze. He sexually harasses Gillian Anderson, like, at work in Q branch.

But he's like, oh, I love it when you get strict or whatever. But in general, English likes him and it's kind of like you see why because it's like oh this guy's just charming you know So they have to go to Macau So first thing you're gonna realize that's a location in Asia, so you're gonna get a noise All right now you know what the noise is in your head you've heard it really really dealers choice Did you want do you want two or three? Give me two Right not good

They go to a casino and Macau The joke again is that Tucker Daniel Kaluya is like too young to really be in there And it's like this is quite cute... This is not selling the deference embodied in the kind of boff English relationship. Yeah, no, it doesn't work to make it like an actual like, senpai ohai relationship. It has to be. Anytime an older and a younger Englishman work together. You have to assume they're in Macau, which I think is Asia.

And that's the same... That's what the soundtrack said. I reckon. But so they're trying to meet up with a guy and they're given the least helpful description ever, which is, it's a Chinese guy wearing glasses, which in Macau is probably not very useful. And so English picks the wrong guy, and this is funny, I'm told.

Let me break this one down here. So they walk in, as they're going in, there is an old lady. We don't know her yet, we will get to know her. Yeah, but they fully hit the... They get told, right, the contact is, you know, a Chinese fellow wearing spectacles. We see the actual contact, he turns around, you get this again

And then that guy turns back and a different guy sat next to him turns around and Johnny like thinks that guy's The contact but when he turns around it once again, it's a little racist stinger Stop doing that It does not stop doing that. No, no. I lost count. I started trying to count, but we lose count fast. It moves quickly. Did we mention the Mozambique racial music? No, we didn't.

Incredible. Okay. Well, while we're on the topic. When Em is doing the like, MI7 is woke and soy now, Johnny. More boomer particles. And she's like, I actually never wanted you back because you're not woke and not soy and because of the incident in Mozambique. And anytime anyone says the word Mozambique, you get this little sting with it.

Mozambique. Some of the most racist soundtrack work I've ever Really really fucking and let me let me assure you every time Every single time this comes up it hits you with little drums But so obviously the the contact gets killed looking at the credits and it's like music by David do you In the most kind of throwaway next location thing, which is so insulting, I almost like it. He's been shot in the back of the neck with a fucking cocktail umbrella

and a poker chip spills out of his hand with next location written on it. Yeah. It could have been a text. Yeah, may as well have been. You may as well not have had the scene, but you've got to assemble a movie out of something. We didn't have to make this movie, actually. Yeah, yeah. I have been. You may as well not have had the scene, but you know, you've got to assemble a movie out of something. We didn't have to make this movie, actually. Yeah, yeah.

I could be at home right now. Just doing a live show for a movie they never made. It's like, kind of a zero-minute talk. That's the one they wanted us to do that about Goncharov, right, when that was kind of funny. Oh, shit, yeah. And I was like, no. I'm glad we didn't do that. We're not fucking doing that.

Yeah, me too. Anyway. I'm imagining some of you out there was like, no. I'm glad we didn't do that. Yeah, me too. I'm imagining some of you out there being like, yeah, it was a real moment in my life when I went to the Kill James Bond Goncharov show. Me and my wife actually met at Goncharov. I made a friend for life in the queue for Goncharov. Anyway, next location is a lovely cheap to film in flat. Nice. Much nicer than a casino because you don lovely cheap to film in flat. Nice.

Much nicer than a casino, because you don't have to employ background actors. And we meet Fisher, who is the former CIA agent. Also, the same sinister lady who the soundtrack was racist towards in the casino is also here, disguised as a cleaner. Yeah, and it hits you with the same racist noise again, every time she's on. Every single time that woman appears on screen, it hits the little racist noise. Fischer, the CIA agent, is Richard Schiff from the West Wing. So, you know, a guy I love to see. Shout out to that guy.

And he says, so in this film, Spectre... Ron Atkinson, it's nice to meet you. I really enjoyed you in Blackadder. In this film, Spectre is called Vortex. So we're going to be calling it Vortex from now on. We don't have a lot of money, it's just three of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very... It's like a start-up, it's an evil start-up. Well, it's a start-up. Yeah, like this is not an evil organization.

Yeah. This is post-Quantum Solace and pre-Skyfall, which means they didn't have the rights to the name Spectre in Johnny English yet either. This is Johnny English's Quantum. Yeah. Yeah, so it's called Vortex. There's only three of them. So you know, they're real up and comers, but we think they're really talented. And they have a secret weapon which is unlocked by three keys.

And I have one here because I'm in it! Which I was like, ooh, that's a cool twist. Yeah, never explained or anything. He's just, I guess, just defecting, you know, yeah He like he respects Johnny English. He feels bad for Johnny English for some reason Yeah There's a good Daniel Klee all the funny Daniel Klee bits are about how young he is So he's like calling his mom right now. He's like on the phone of his mom and he sees for like the lady the cleaner

Yeah, she's literally credited as like killer cleaner. Killer cleaner. He spots killer cleaner and she's like turning her Hoover into a fucking scoped rifle or something and he's like, oh, mama, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. And I like that, that is kind of fun. Yeah, the sort of Henry Hoover into a rifle is fun. Anyway, she fucking compromises Richard Schiff

from the West Wing to a permanent end. Great shame. So I mean, they're down to two now. Mm, yeah. Welcome to the third member of Vortex, Matty Lebczanski. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Which one of us would get taken out first by like a kind of like racially problematic assassin? Which one of us would try to defect first?

I'd obviously be the one who defects first. Mm. I'm the bleeding heart here. You said that alarmingly quickly. Why? I'm not willing to accuse you of first. I'm the bleeding heart. You said that alarmingly quickly, why? I'm not willing to accuse you of you and I want to move on. Uh-huh, okay. Because I'm defecting basically and I just... You do love saying very ominous things, you know?

Yeah. It's like, okay. If anyone wants to interview for a role on Kill James Bond. You've got to serve at least this much cunt to be here, though. Dev's chair is going to descend through the stage into a sharp pit that we prepared. Oh, yeah, like I fall over backwards into the... No, it's fine. You'll run back into the green room with booby-trapped your cider. You know?

It's the one place we knew you would go next. I might get some in a minute. We'll see. But so, because Johnny English is an oaf, and again, the movie can't decide whether he is or not, he like runs over, sees this cleaning lady, and is like, oh, I shall help her escape the building. And it's only when he sees the bullet casing in the Hoover that he's like, wait a second, she's evil.

And it's like, Johnny English 1 wouldn't have done this. Johnny English 1 would have gotten stuck in the lift door's dick first. Like... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, we're about to get into one of the most Johnny English wouldn't have done this scenes of all time. I mean, technically, the movies where he does do this

outnumber the one where he doesn't. So really, Johnny English do, in fact, do this. We do, we do. Johnny English does what James Bond wouldn't? Bond-en, yeah. But James Bond daring, possibly. It's true, it's true. Well, he's about to do what James Bond did. Because he fully forgets, he like doesn't get the key from the guy that just got killed.

He like runs out and a different guy just steals the key and runs away. And he's like, fuck, shit, shit. Oh, yeah, I love this because this is the classic thing in loads of spy movies, which is we now introduce a character who is just a stuntman in a suit. Yes. It's a stuntman. He doesn't have any lines because he hasn't trained as an actor, but he's a very good stuntman and he wears a suit and then he runs away. And it's like, oh, okay, now we're going to have an action scene.

Yeah, yeah, we've hired a guy who can free run. He's going to free run now for the movie. Yeah, do you remember that bit from Casino Royale where Bond is like chasing a guy who's like doing parkour and flips and shit? Wouldn't it be funny if that again? Right? No, not really, no. There's like maybe like one joke in it?

Yeah, this is where they start putting their like real flag down for the like, he's wise because he's old, right? Which is cope, first of all. Yeah. You can be a dumb cunt and be old. And Johnny English is, and he should be. But so he's doing the mind palace where he's going back to Tibet.

And he just starts walking around. He's visualizing himself with a massive rock tied to his testicles. If I visualized myself like that, I would be in serious fucking trouble. That would hurt. I don't want to visualize that. No. It's sort of a cognitohazard, I believe. He just goes around all the obstacles.

That guy's like free-running over him, and he opens the door and walks through. It's the most smug cunt thing ever. He's pushing off the door and walks through. It's the most, like, smug cunt thing ever. He's pushing off the fucking smarm score. Because this guy does a bunch of flips over, like a gap between two builds, and then he looks back and Johnny English just steps over a much narrower gap. Boomer. Boomer moment.

He chases him onto a... There's a yacht chase, right? Oh, no. First of all, he says a very unusual word to this man. Yes. Because he gets him a gunpoint on the rooftop. And he goes... Okay, so I don't have to draw up what fucking words. I'm scared. Oh, yeah, no.

So he gets him a gunpoint on the rooftop and he says, hand over the key, chimp. Ooh. I take it to mean that he's clambering over shit. Yeah, I guess by analogy with a chimps climbing prowess. A chimps climbing prowess. A chimps climbing prowess. He's heard our episodes on Jason Bourne and he's like,

this guy, he doesn't look like he even has a professorship. This guy's not even got his PhD yet. 36 year old Australian a professorship. This guy's not even got his PhD yet. 36-year-old Australian PhD professorship. It's very... I'm in front of the Goncharov thing, and then I do a joke about something that is barely news now, like this week. But then they do the same joke again, because this guy then backflips off the thing, and he's climbing down the scaffold really dramatically,

and Johnny English just takes the lift and it's like This joke is funny like twice and then you do the third time and it's different like it's not it's like Set up and the second thing and then a third one's different. It's not like just do the same thing eight times It's like the rule of eight Well, yeah, let me stop you that because he does it a fourth fifth and sixth time as I learned from Wikipedia last night the essence of humor is predictability. So there's a boat chase at this point. He gets on a boat with some expats? Yeah, I kind of like this. He gets on the boat and he like flashes his ID and they're just like fully on board immediately.

Yeah, sure. These are like Brits with a yacht in Hong Kong. And I'm like, given that the last movie suggested that India was still part of the Commonwealth with a king, like with a British king. Yeah. I think they reckon that he's like, they've still got Hong Kong. Yeah, genuinely. It's like the shit, you know the like Netherlands retirement home for people with like dementia where they build like a whole fake town.

Yeah. So that you can continue to like feel normal and interact with people like those guys nurses, right? This is like this for the British Empire, you know the Johnny English movies You just park your like aged grandfather in front of it and be like, yep still still got Hong Kong Please stop saying the things to me. Do you think that's what Britain is? Yes. Yeah, probably. We're about to get hit with three tranquilizer darts. Fucking hell.

The Suez crisis never fucking happened, okay? We're still on top. We've got all of the stuff still. We're the first three British people to see the walls. This is... Ed Harris is going to come out of the sky and we're going to sail up to the edge and it's not gonna be Callie it's just gonna be a fucking wall and we're in a dome the rest of the world is fine they just they

just domed Britain off I just I love that Stephen King I just I just have this one question right which is that if Britain's got kind of like a you know wish fulfillment fantasy center Yeah, why is it so shit? It's wish for me shit six guys. Oh fuck if you don't like it. There's no door You're stuck here God no this makes perfect sense. Okay great well first live show to make me dissociate on stage. That's not true. Austin Powers III gold member. You can go back, you can listen, you'll find it.

But so... This is another moment where the movie can't decide if Johnny English is good, because he has a camera that shoots exploding darts, right? And like he goes, there's a whole sequence of him like locking on to the boat that he's chasing, and I'm like, oh, obviously he's gonna miss and like hit a seagull or something, right? No, he just does it. He just does it. And then he has a fistfight with this guy and like beats it. Yeah, so he like steps off the boat onto this like floating platform, right? And the guy climbs onto it from having had his boat exploded and they get into like...

Which incredibly like give that man a Kronstein Rosette, first of all. Oh, real. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, we'll get Kronsteins at the end. But like, and they just have a genuine fist fight, and he's good at it. Like, he's just too good. I just, I think that the phrase, Rowan Atkinson fight choreography... Yeah. ...is a sign of a seriously sick society, you know? Like, several goons jump in to reinforce him.

Like Johnny English beats up five people and I'm like, how? Yeah, I installed the Mr Bean mod for fights in tight spaces. He's too competent. He's so fucking competent that they teleport Tucker from the boat onto the platform with him, right? The boat is like 50 feet away and Tucker was on there doing reaction shots and he's just on the platform not wet or anything. Fucking whatever happened there.

Tucker's fucking nightcrawler. Entirely so he can do the comedy fight and go like, oh I'm gonna beat you up and get hit once and fall over. And it's like they have offset the Johnny Englishness onto Tucker because he's being too competent and they still want a pratfall in the scene but they can't put it into the actual fight choreography because he's too good! They should have had him win by accident. Like, he, like, you know, trips on his shoelaces

and knocks over a ladder or something. I'm generating, like, a better fucking sequence in my head. Like, endlessly. The thing, too, with Daniel Kaluuya, right, is that he gets trapped into more reaction shots in this movie than in Get Out. It's... Every fucking scene is Rowan Atkinson doing some cool shit

and Daniel Kaliya going like... And it's like, this fucking sucks. Like, he's a good actor. He's a better actor than Rowan Atkinson. Put him in the movie, please, maybe. Long and short of it is that Johnny English wins and they get the key, right? So they're like, right, we're going to go back to London. We've prevented Vortex from getting the key to their secret weapons. So I mean, they need all three. We've got one. Jobs are good.

They're on the flight back. They're sitting in first class, and I'm like, I don't think MI7 pays you to fly first class. Also, first class used to be a lot more shit than it is now, based on like YouTubers and stuff. These days, they give you like a whole little cabin. They just have like economy seating, it sucks. And so, Tucker's like, I need to write the mission report because I'm a nerd and I'm very like straight-laced.

And Johnny English is like, nah, it's fine, just fucking have some champagne, it's chill. And... But also his job was to write the reports in the first one, like... Yeah. Whatever. He sexually harasses the flight attendant. Mm-hmm. I forget what the actual line is, but it works on her as well, which is more wish fulfillment.

Like, he kind of rizes up the flight attendant and she's like, she smiles like indulgently, like she's into it. And I know that's like part of the job, kind of, or at least it was in 2011, but like, Jesus, man. Then she gets knocked out by a goon and is presumably like, oh, thank God, I don't have to talk to Johnny English anymore. Which meant that they kind of staged a partial plane hijacking in order to do this next bit. Yeah. And that doesn't really come up, you know.

Just a little bit of one, you know. It's an odd plan by the goon as well, because the goon knocks out the air hostess and then takes her uniform. Yeah. Agent 47, you know, is much woken now. Yeah, not sure where he places her body, which presumably is now undressed. Presumably like, yeah, naked body. It's slightly odd. Anyway, and then goes into just like,

oh, can I take this case with the key in it from you? And like Daniel Kaluuya instantly like spots this person's wearing a name tag with Susan written on it. And Daniel Kaluuya's like, I don't think that's a Susan. We were all braced. Yeah, all three of us were like, uh-oh. But it's 2011 and they haven't invented being transgender yet. That's exactly it, right? Because Johnny English 4 is going to have a trans joke.

It's going to have at least one. Johnny English 2, it would have done. But they didn't know? But they didn't know. We hadn't been invented by the government yet. So like, instead they're just like, oh no, that's simply a Chinese name, Shu Sha. It's like weighing up the two things, like trans joke, racist joke.

Always zing. Racist joke. Yeah, like transform your racism fake out. Yeah. I'm morally neutral on that, I think. Yeah, like transform me a racism fake out. Yeah. It's like an American election. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, they get back to London and of course Johnny English is doing a big presentation. Like, I have the key and they're never going to get their hands on it.

And here it is everybody. And it's fucking empathy, right? Great. Brazil and Pike is also here for some reason. Yeah. It's fucking empty right right for some and pike is also here for some reason mm-hmm Yeah, we also see the key being handed off to Burn Gorman one of the faces of all time guy. I love to say love to see burn Go on who looks like a nasty little freak is it like an actor? It's a type of accent you don't see cast very often as much as you should like they used to cast whole genres with like

This is a guy who looks like a nasty little freak, I picked him up off the street, he's gonna be in 50 film noir movies. We used to be a fucking... Germany, I guess. Now we're down to like one guy who looks like a nasty little freak. I'm sorry if you're listening or watching. It's great casting. He looks like a villain. It's like a great evil henchman. Great, got it. But not like evil henchman fighting, evil henchman computers. It's really good casting. Yeah, they both have a strict division of labor.

This meeting is taking place in Pegasus' house whilst her child is having her birthday party. I'm so fucking... Because she's fucking feminized. I'm so fucking annoyed at this, right? Because the way that they have her like family and her kids Intrude and she's like put her kids back in the kind of party room They didn't pull this shit with M right like and M was not a high bar for like a kind of a you know Very deeply written female character, but to be like oh, well. She's she's like the first female director of Johnny English MI7

Like the first female director of Johnny English MI7, she's woke and she kind of doesn't have work life separation because like even the married to her work thing that they did with them in the Bond movies was a different kind of terrible. This is just like, it just stinks. It's like, oh, what if the head of MI6 was a woman? I bet she'd take meetings at home and there'd be kids coming in and seeing all that shit.

It's boomer shit. It's boomer shit again. It's boomer shit, she's got a cat. Oh, it's gay and saying all that shit. It's boomer shit. It's boomer shit again. It's boomer shit. She's got a cat. Oh, it's gay to be a woman. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, that has been my experience. Yeah. That was the original tagline of Kill James Bond. In many ways, I wasn't gay until I became a woman. I managed a bit beforehand, but just hits different, you know?

Shout out for gay. Big fan of gay. No? Shout out for gay. Big fan of gay. And a shout out to women. For a fucking second, I thought you weren't gonna do it. Wait, wait, wait. We can do this together. Shout out for men. Oh, you failed me. I was expecting nothing.

Hey, hey, hey. There are some cool men. Yeah. And they're like four or five. Yeah. So six months time we do another live show to shout out to man and there's like slightly fewer voices. Or slightly more you know it it maintains itself I think. That's That's reasonable. But so... The cleaner is here. You better believe they hit you with the... It's a much shorter one. Wait for it. That's specifically the noise you get.

It gets longer and worse every time. Yeah, like, are you editing these? Yeah. Yeah, which is fucked up, because like the... You already know that it's her because of the Hoover sound. And because it's the same woman. Yeah. Because they show her face.

Well, actually, they don't. They just show... Fuck. Don't worry, I only noticed... I'm going to get a bad grade on watching Johnny English. She like just starts Hoovering and all that Johnny sees is, like, someone using the hoover. Like, just the hoover itself comes past the door and he is activated immediately. He's like, I'm gonna fucking kill whoever that is.

He just happens to be proven right because she throws, like, three knives at him. Wrong. Well, he gets the wrong person because he accidentally attacks... Fuck out of here. all right he accidentally attacks like M's mom who is just an old lady who's doing the hoovering he gets attacked by the cleaner first and then as she flees he attacks M's mom by accident thank you I know I think they do the joke twice they genuinely genuinely like... They do the joke twice. He attacks a person with the Hoover.

He's like, this is the assassin from Hong Kong. And they're like, that's my mom. He's then forced to go into the kitchen and apologize to Pegasus's mom. And that's when she turns around and she really is the killer. It's okay. I only know this because I wrote it down specifically because there was no reason for him to attack that woman. Yeah. You're so right. There is absolutely no reason for him to attack that woman. Yeah. You're so right.

There is absolutely no reason he would have to assume that the person using a Hoover in M's house is the same assassin from Macau who also just uses a Hoover. He has trickers, you know. It's just that they happen to be dangerously misogynistic. Yeah, so he grabs her and he goes into the room He's like I've got it

I've got the one who killed the fella in wherever it was and that's my mother, you know, it's so they do it again They do the same joke again Anyway, this is the point of which Pegasus is just like I your fire Johnny English you suck. We all hate you Rosamund Pike is like I Believe you for some reason she She's a behavioral psychologist. Oh no, she says you're showing all four markers of a person telling the truth. Exactly.

Which goes totally unquestioned, right? And we then see what the movie thinks behavioral psychology is, right? Because she sneaks him into MI7 after hours. What are the four markers of someone telling the truth? Charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Um. B-boying, MCing, like...

Smarm, cultural sensitivity... Yeah. Unprovoked violence and misogyny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, why are always... Why are people telling the truth always horrible? Um... But so she sneaks him into MI7 and she hooks him up to the fucking Hexcorp branded sissy hypno

She does she hits him with the hypno dom thing. She does and she goes listen When whenever I mention Mozambique a bunch of really racist soundtrack cuts in and you do this weird twitch, right? And part of my deal is that people kind of tend to leak emotionally through their faces emotional leakage yes yes the word to which English hits her with I don't leak fucking me refusing to take part in Welsh patriotism it's fine listen it happens at that age okay there's no shame in just getting like you don't get wiser when you get older you just get more likely to piss It's fine. Listen, it happens at that age, okay? There's no shame in just getting an adult diaper.

You don't get wiser when you get older, you just get more likely to piss yourself. Honestly, he's had so much FFS, there's a lot of nerve damage going on. He can't even... He's got no idea. It's so sad. You kiss Johnny English, he can't feel it. I mean, it fully is the... Consequently, we are vitally concerned with unauthorized leakages. So she puts him in the fucking sissy hypno machine and says the word Mozambique to him.

And we get a bunch of like weird facial expressions. And she says... There. Could we call that leakage? You ever see an entire auditorium full of people get a kink at the same time And anyways, this is the flashback machine Johnny English, it's time for us to flashback to Mozambique now Yes, and so we see what happened in Mozambique that he was the head of security for the new president of Mozambique Yes, and then a sexy lady was just like Oh, mr. English. Would you like to share in the hot tub?

lady was like, oh Mr English, would you like to share a hot tub? I love the hot tub. Jacuzzi. We have a big plan, you know. And he's like, you know what, I would like to not pay attention to my job and be distracted by firm large titties. So I will. Yeah, and then while they're in the jacuzzi, one of the president's bodyguards pulls a gun on him and shoots him in the back,

which means that the movie Johnny English Reborn kind of predicted the assassination of the Russian ambassador to Turkey. Just one for the real geopolitics heads out there. RIP Andrei Karloff, you know, I know you're looking down on us. And whilst he's having this flashback he's like, oh Vortex were in Mozambique. I remember Fischer was there and then there was another guy whose face I can't remember yet because it's not time for me to remember that. But then the third one was a KGB guy called Artem Kalenko. Yeah, Russian guyvich. Yeah, Russian guyvich. What genuinely one of the most Russian guyviches of all time.

He does also hit on Rosamund Pike while he's under, while he's in trance. He says the words, plump pillows. If a man said the word Plump Pillows about me, I think I would be forced to execute him in self-defense. Mm. And so, yeah. She's charmed, again. Like, he's a hit with women in this one,

for some fucking reason. Yeah, why? I'm going to get another drink. Reasonable. We can contract, like, contractually. Woo! Careful. Contractually, we can oblige them to do the whole show,

but not to be on stage for the whole time. It's a whole thing. We can't oblige them to remain sober during Johnny English 2. If you're fucking defecting back there, I swear to God... I promise I'm not defecting back there. Defecting to another podcast. Put the scorpion in their chair. You're good. You're good.

What's going on here? No, don't worry about it. That's a lot of ass work. So good. I got the official beer of driving. That's a lot of you. So you remember how in Goldfinger, because this is just a pastiche of Bond's, Bond has to like golf with Goldfinger. Well, he has to golf with Russian Gaiovich.

And they make Daniel Kaluuya caddy. Sorry, I really want a sponsorship. So sad. My notes say nobody will be seated during the riveting golf scene. It's just, it edges closer to Rowan Atkinson's interests and the things that Rowan Atkinson wants to do. They just sort of film this around him, I think. Yeah.

Is he aware that he's in this? In the same way that we're aware that we're in Britain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kind of reality fiction distinction gets a bit fuzzy around him. The killer cleaner is here disguised as a golfer, so they of course hit you with the... Just a bunch of guys thinking really hard about how to be racist about golf. Yes! She has a golf club gun, which is cool.

She's got good gadgets. They don't draw attention to the gadgets at all, but she's got some pretty cool gadgets. She shoots Russian guy, and English and Taka have to evacuate him in a helicopter. And this is the apotheosis in this movie of being good at stuff, right? Because you don't get points for being comically bad at flying a fucking helicopter that's still impressive. Yeah, I feel like if you live, you've flown the helicopter well. Yes, yeah. Anything above the Colin McRae performance of flying a helicopter

is still impressive. Frankly, even that was kind of impressive and then abruptly stopped being impressive, right? Like... They do get the one moment in the movie where I laughed, which is that they're trying to get into a hospital and they don't know which way the hospital is, so they just fly down to about a foot off the road and follow the road.

Yeah, this is a good bit. And like follow the road signs, which I do think is quite funny. It's really impressive stunt work, again, for that joke, which I did not laugh at. And I'm just like, you got a guy to fly a helicopter like an inch off the ground for this, you know? It's like Pearls Before Swine, this movie. Yeah, he's like, keep him alive, try something else to Daniel Kaluuya,

and he starts like singing at him. Which is funny, it was funny. What for a stage? And like Johnny joins in with the singing and it hits the soundtrack. It was fine, this was good, this was the one good scene in the movie. Typically you want a higher hit rate than that, but that's, you know, it's fine. But they do nail one per film. You hate to hand it to them.

At this point, they get them to the hospital, and you know, NHS cutbacks being what it is, still has to wait outside for a bit. And of course dies while this is happening, but like, before he does, he's like, Vortex was three dudes. One of them was the CIA, one of them was KGB, that's me, helpfully, and one of them was... Dez, dead. He doesn't actually say MI7.

Yeah, he comes back after the deaths seem to be like, and MI7, and then dies again. It's great. And it should at this point be obvious, right? Yeah, the only other guy in the movie. Yeah, Johnny English. Yeah. So at this point...

Who keeps fucking everything up for MI7? Yeah, English has to go back to MI7, and we see the Prime Minister, who has changed into a kind of Cameron-esque figure. Yes. Yeah, I'm fascinated by the fucking Prime Minister in this. Because they've clearly tried to go for David Cameron. Yeah. But they've made it, it's like, movie David Cameron, so he's like, much more attractive and competent than the real guy.

Yeah. And he just occupies this really fucking weird space of like, what if David Cameron was good? It's just kind of technocracy, because this Prime Minister is like, I just have to do reproach mode with China. Do you think David Cameron ever said the words reproach mode with China in his fucking life? No. But anyway, the Prime Minister is like, we need to meet with the Chinese Premier

in order to contain rogue... In order to reproch, you know? Yeah, in order to contain rogue states in Southeast Asia who have nudes. Yeah, that's so great. Hold up. Southeast Asia? Yeah. Because obviously they're going for a North Korea thing here. That's not where that is.

What are they, East Timor maybe? What's the rogue state in? The Laotian atomic bomb program. Ridiculous. Yeah, and also Rosamund Pike is there because she's gonna be in these meetings because the official position of the British government in this movie is that the Chinese government is so like inscrutable that they need to do body language shit on them to understand how the negotiations are going. She says to not Cameron about the Chinese Premier, it's all about the eyes with Shang Ping. And it's just like, come on, man.

Half of these guys went to fucking Oxford. The other weird thing is that David Cameron says, well, the Chinese Premier will only meet us if we can guarantee his security. Do it in China. That's what I thought. Meet him in fucking China. Do you know where it's pretty secure? Like, fucking China. Now it's your problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do your own security then, mate. Oh, Ash Tay, let's do it on Zoom. Easy. But at this point, Agent One, who's like, hello, I'm definitely not the villain of the film. What if we meet in, I don't know, fucking Switzerland for some reason?

Cool, great, whatever. This cool bastion up a mountain in Switzerland. I'm like, okay, cool, we'll lock that in. And then he takes English out for a meal, at the end of which, he sexually harasses the waitress, and English piggybacks on the sexual harassment? They bond by sexually harassing the waitress. And English piggybacks on the sexual harassment. They bond by sexually harassing a waitress. It's cool.

It's like, what would you like for dessert? And Agent 1 hits with the bloody you. And Johnny goes, bring two spoons. Which is... Which really makes it sound like they're just in a... They're fucking gay. ...looking for a third, like, canonically. Kind of looking for a unicorn.

They go to the bathroom together. I do quite like this moment where Johnny Inch is like, look, Simon, I've got to tell you something. I've heard that there's a mole inside MI7, and supposedly it's a pretty senior guy. And I just want to ask you a very serious question. I want you to be honest with me. And we see that under the table, like, Simon's got a fucking gun on him,

and he just goes, Do you have any fucking idea who it is? Yeah, I do like that. Yeah, to be fair, that is quite funny. That's good. So they go to the bathroom together? Question mark. No.

Do they not? Yeah, don't worry. He gets a text from Tucker. You can't just hit me with a full force, no, and then be like, don't worry. Well, don't worry. I'm worrying. Oh, okay, that's fine. No, Tucker full force, no, and then be like, don't worry. Well, don't worry. I'm worrying. Oh, okay, that's fine. No, Tucker gives him a text and they go... Because they have to have a little chat before he comes in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like, meet me in bathroom. Oh, yeah, and then Tucker's like, it's Simon. Simon's the villain. And Rowan Atkinson says, it can't be him. He went to Eaton. And I'm like, oh, no, British person who's evil has ever been to eat Very strongly the first two reels of Tinker Tailor soldier spy Contained in that line, you know, like I can't be in here to fucking eat At which point Simon himself agent one walks in and Tucker holds him at gunpoint And explains the plot of the movie to him and it's like know you're evil right I can smell crime or whatever referencing a tweet about Jason Statham

this is the way that my brain works sometimes he goes he goes you said you'd never met Russian guy bitch but I found a photo of you on Facebook with a big fish you're clearly on a fucking yeah you seemed like real tight homies actually would have been funnier and yeah we see that Simon pulls some You were clearly on a fucking swimming trip. Yeah. You seemed like real tight homies actually. Would have been funnier. And we see that Simon pulls some bullshit out of his ass. He's like, actually I work for a counter-mole secret organization within MI7. And he like invents a name off the top of his head by reading the urinals as though it's called Armitage.

And then like, but I'm definitely not evil actually. And he's like sweating bullets in Johnny English. He's like, I completely believe you go home Daniel Toluya, yeah, he doesn't just say he doesn't just say that yeah because the bowstring leading to the most racist line in the movie has been loosed because What he says is you're in way over your head boy now run along Boy Way over your head, boy. Now run along. Boy. Now, they try to contextualize it in the next line as a kind of school teacher thing by being like,

you've let me down, you've let the school down, and frankly, I think you've let yourself down, but I just... screenwriting software typically has a backspace button. If you find you've written yourself into a corner, and it's a racist corner... Clippy pops up and is just like, don't know about that one, chief. Yeah, don't know if you can be typing that. Yeah.

You can't be typing like that, why, Johnny? Like... If you write yourself into a racist hole, you don't have to then just be like... Careful, Whitey! You don't have to then just have the next line be like, not raciously though. You can take that out of there and write a different line. You don't have anyone on staff that is telling you that calling this fella a boy is not a good fucking look.

Like, nobody to script-talk to this? Seemingly not. They had lost purpose and weighed back to Bond at this point. So, it's not even on them. It's just... It's one guy being like, I've written myself into a racist corner, but I write myself out of racist corners too. At this point, we get this really weird class subplot, because Simon says, like, okay, the real mole is Q

from the earlier scene. Remember him? Yeah. He said, I heard he said about you, Jonny, that you are a jumped up grammar school nobody. It's like, that's such a specific English class beat. Fascinating insight into the boomer mind, you know? To be like, this is the greatest horror. The worst thing anyone can be told. You're into a fucking grammar school.

Grammar school, nobody. Not state school. Not even state school. Grammar school. Like that's the thing you're not allowed to be. It's like, ah, you're middle class. Not middle class enough. Fuck you.

It's realistic, I suppose. You know, I mean, I went to a private school that existed to get beaten at rugby by Eaton, so. And let me tell you, Etonians hate people like that way more than they hate state school people most of the time. It's a strange dynamic. You went to a Washington General's...

Yes! They were dunking on us with ladders. Got tackled by an Etonian and you break like your entire pelvis. Yeah, it was crazy. I was actually banned from playing rugby at my school yeah because of being transgender no anyways you were the man Kelly for nothing I really even trans that joke doesn't work I broke someone's nose oh probably so again what are you doing later like they said something mean to me then. From then on it was ping pong. I was doing fencing to get out of rugby.

I did fencing outside of school time. I didn't do nothing. I was not very sporty as a child. Just didn't do it. So at this point... I went to a state school. Yeah, right? There's one of us. They actually do... Aberystwyth University. Fucking sound off, boys. Hbomberguy went there.

I don't know of anyone else. I said no. I dropped out of Glasgow Uni, if anyone's a big fan of that. Yeah, thank you. of Glasgow Uni, if anyone's a big fan of that. Okay. Woo! Yeah, thank you. Big alumni of Glasgow University, Nicola Sturgeon, until recently.

Are you de-alumni'd her? St. Andrews University. It happens. It happens to the best of us. One of the former rectors of St. Andrews University is Rowan Atkinson. And if you're watching. So...

You can be here tomorrow night. Actually, the students of St. Andrews recently asked me to run for Rector, which would have been very funny. I would have loved to if I had the time. Nobody's asking me to run for shit these days, you know? Sucks. Like, they're just asking me to run just in general, but like, get out of here. I just get a text every so often that just says, run.

So as the Bond movies get like grimmer and darker and more serious, yeah, sorry, sorry. We had to do the mandatory bit of every British media product where we talk about which school and uni we went to just so you know how to like categorize this yeah as the Bond movies get more like grim and serious so to the Johnny English ones and so they play a relatively straight scene where English confronts Q in church and is like you're the defector and Q's like no you are the trap, you're the defector. And Q's like, no, you are. And the trap closes around.

You're the defector because Agent One has gone on call after the end of a scene and been like, I figured out who the mole is, it's Johnny. Yeah, and they spring the trap on him. Luckily, English has learned in the monastery one of James Bond's powers. The power of exploit disability. Must have been a rough few days teaching that at the monastery, I'll tell you that.

Throwing a dummy out of a wheelchair. Because that is basically what he does. He fully just like dumps Tim McGinnon out of his wheelchair and steals it. Like he wheelchair jacks him. What I appreciate is that they are not fucking around No, they should agents that are in that church are shooting to kill yet. They're not using gas like they're like bullets Yeah Like we're gonna compromise Johnny English to a fatal end And if they do a little chase down the mall in the gadget wheelchair.

Yeah, again, this is like, this must have been so much work to film. It's quite like competently done in terms of like stunt driving and stuff. And it just, the joke sucks. It's not good. Yeah. Like, There's one slightly funny bit where there's a queue of people using wheelchairs outside a disabled toilet

and Johnny English goes to the front of the queue and they're like, you're pushing in the queue for the toilet. And then he just pulls the gun on them. I would also like to do that if anyone ever challenges me in a public bathroom. This is not an ethical use of the wheelchair gun, you know. But so, he escapes with the aid of the very fast wheelchair. And again, like, they have a shot in this that could have fully decapitated a stunt performer for the sake of Johnny English too.

And I'm like, whatever they're paying you for that, it's not enough. It's not going to have been enough. Yeah, no, they like close him off with a truck and he hits a button on the wheelchair that makes it like flattened down. He goes under the truck. First of all, too competent. Second of all, we didn't know that wheelchair could do that. So it's not satisfying to see him do it. No. But he then invades the house of one Rosamund Pike. Yeah, my note just says you used to be able to afford a London flat like this for like five pounds a month, bills included.

God, it's such a nice flat. It's really nice. I don't think they pay MI7 behavioral analysts that much money. No. But she... Do they? Are any of you in? I guess maybe don't say if you are. That's not a good idea. Do you want to just end your entire career for one laugh on a podcast live show?

That could be funny, right? Just if you're out there, let the intrusive thoughts win one time. Think of us like the War Thunder forums, right? Constantly, we are vitally concerned with unauthorized leakages. Yeah, she's of course shocked to see him there, but the Johnny English Riz wins out, you know, she can tell that he's telling the truth. And then she's got powers like the lady from poker face. Yeah, she she like Goes back in she like puts him back in trance right and he knows us

It's like I need you to remember who the third fucking guy was this mysterious Dominic West shaped man Who could he have been and he goes Joe that's like no see from the wire. Oh my Yeah throughout this we're getting cutaways to Dominic West. He's using the keys, the three keys, he's putting them together into one key. He uses it to open a box, there's a vial in there. For a second I was just like, oh, it's estrogen. You can't get injectable estrogen in the UK unless you assemble like three keys. Yeah.

We've each got part of a key. The only way to get estrogen is to kill us all. They're piecing this together in Rosamund Pike's apartment as well, because they're like, well, Fisher was working on a classified project using a chemical which is really difficult to pronounce. And we're going to derive a lot of comedy from the fact that it's really, really difficult to pronounce. Yeah, sometimes it's spelled with an O in front in English.

It's fucking Timoxelin Barbabutinol. It's not that different. Off the dome. Right off the top, one of the main things you're going to notice about Timoxelin Barbabutinol is there's a lot of B sounds in there. And that's the fucking bread and butter of Johnny English. The voiced bilabial plosive strikes again. Bab-a-boot-anol. Shut up. And what Tamarxan and Bab-a-boot-anol does...

Three out of three, we nailed it. Thank you. It puts somebody in a trance, brackets not sexy, it kind of like poppers them up. Imagine if there was a drug that put someone in a trance, that would never be sexy. And then they do whatever they're told to do when they're high. Imagine that being said. I can't personally.

If you have any thoughts about how that could be sexy, keep them to yourselves. No, crazy. Disgusting. But then you do also die after 15 minutes. You do die afterwards, yeah. Well... I mean, you know. What are you doing in those 15 minutes though, that's the question.

Yeah, I mean... Yeah, the real question is what am I going to do for the other 12 minutes? Usually like... Don't clap for me! Ah yes, crying and dissociating. No, no, I can talk, I swear. Jesus, age. It's fine. So, we do get a little cutaway scene where we see...

You didn't see me do that as well, I got away with it. Someone has hired, like, Agent Wan, whatever his cunt is. Yeah, yeah him. Someone's hired this guy to kill the Chinese premiere. And we see that the guy is a guy I love to see, Benedict Wong. Yeah. Does not return in this movie. It's just like they just needed a character to be the one who hired him.

Totally wasted. You know? Absolutely wasted. Absolutely wasted. Sucks. He's paying him $500 million, which is very expensive for an assassination. I guess if it's the premiere of China... That's a huge fucking market. You can get an assassination for anywhere between 15 to 50 grand.

You don't need 500 million. I got the Teemu political assassination. You fucking imagine. It was just a guy with a bunch of shit he built in his garage. It actually worked really well, finally for money. I would be so fucking mad if I got assassinated and they paid him 15 grand. Like, what the fuck man? Yeah, what's it...

I've worked so much more than that. Hmm. But like a hundred grand is like pushing like top end. Like I don't know, it it seems like a lot of money. Well, see, it's not your dad's aspirational assassination. It's Rowan Atkinson's. The Rolls Royce of yeah, yeah. Yeah.

All right. My next note is Rosamund's no don't. So by which we can assume that he's getting the girl. He gets the girl. He fully gets the girl. Yeah, she suddenly fancies him for no reason. Well, it's because there's a deleted scene in the credits where he chops a bunch of vegetables in the Hall of the Mountain King

that's apparently funny and makes her be like, I should fuck this man. Yeah, she's like, oh, since the start, Johnny, I've had a professional interest in you, which is funny as a behavioral psychologist. You're like, I was fascinated by what the fuck was going on with you. I thought now that's a freak I can get my fucking teeth into. This is like the mother of all counter-transference, I swear to God.

Like the safeguarding that they're doing, non-existent. Um, yeah. But over time I've decided that I have actual romantic feelings towards you. Gross. Yeah. Don't do that. The first time she met this guy, he was going There's a good pussy.

Who's a good pussy? And I guess that had some kind of like neuro-linguistic programming subliminal effect. The first time they met he threw a cat out of a window. Maybe she's just really into animal cruelty. Yeah, she hates animals. Hybristophilia, like she's just... into animal cruelty. Yeah, she hates animals. This is hybristophilia. Like, she's just...

I don't know. I believe Agent One shows up at this point. Yes, he does. Simon appears. She, like, locks him in a bedroom. She does something which I'm very weak to, which is the posh girl wave. Like, she's like, stay there. And I'm like, fuck, okay.

Wait, what's the posh girl wave? It's like this. Like, yeah. Yeah, it's cunty. And it has a powerful fuck, okay. Wait, what's the Posh Girl wave? This, like, yeah. Yeah, it's concy, and it has a powerful effect, you know? So he looks out the window, just... Running down practice Posh Girl wave. She gets in the car with Agent 1 and Johnny English looks out of the window and sees Agent 1 who looks up at him and fucking like makes him instantly and it's like, ah, I know you know that, I know that you know that, I know that you know that you're watching. Cunt.

He says all of that too, it's a great line. Well, Johnny English is looking out of the window and he sees this guy from the back above and goes like, oh shit, that's the guy from Mozambique. Fuck, cool man, yeah. But like, the lights are off, right? And we hear the Hoover. And I go, oh nice, okay, that's the noise that we play

to let us know that she's in the fucking... And it hits me with this afterwards! It's like I heard the Hoover that I've put together, who it is! Yeah, Em's mum. It's Em's mum. Anyway, she's here, she's got a Hoover again. It's a chainsaw this time. She's trying to like gears got a Hoover again. It's a chainsaw this time. It's a she's trying to like gears of war has asked Yeah, yeah

like he like hides in the bathroom and she like Chainsaws through the door and you get like a split second where they've shot it like the shining scene He how does he fucking defeat her But he just runs away. He literally just dips. She's an old woman. He goes, nah, fuck that. He just runs away. And this one, he goes to Tucker's flat.

And he says, Tucker... Where Tucker is gaming. He's playing like Gran Turismo or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he says, Tucker, we were right. And I do like that they do give Dan and Colleen this memory, he gets to go, we? Yeah.

We were right, you motherfucker. And then there's this bizarre moment where Johnny English tries to appeal to his sense of patriotism. He's like, I'm here because my country needs me and it also needs you. And he's like, great, let's go. Cool. Yeah, this works. I'm on board.

You don't have to apologize to me at all. Huge. I guess you have to be patriotic to work for MI6, given the salaries, you know? If anyone wants to... Thank you. Ah, the heckler. Fully forgot that Toshiba was sponsoring British Intelligence. That's how weak of a joke it is. Oh, the way that he escapes from the thing, by the way, is he dives down a rubbish chute. He loves chutes.

He's a big chutes guy. My next note is, wow, cars are so cool. Yeah, they go, hey, remember the one of one V16 Rolls-Royce we got for this? It's still in the movie. You know what's annoying? It's speed cameras. So they do a bit where they set up a speed camera in it, because he's going so fast, and then you see a tracking shot of him setting off like 50 different speed cameras in like a second because of how fast it is.

To get the car out of the lockup he like uses a laser out the front of it and it shoots out of the fucking Rolls Royce like crest sigil on the front. Yeah, it's the fucking spirit of victory or whatever. Cool man, yeah. I apologize if this is liable, but... Am I right in thinking that Rowan Atkinson does in fact have real speeding tickets? In which case, these jokes just come across as really petty. Really petty, yeah. I don't know if we can say, but I think we can say that someone in a position like Rowan Atkinson

could plausibly be imagined as part of a comedic performance to have had speeding tickets. And that that in no way reflects the real Rowan Atkinson. I might be misremembering that, but I seem to remember that he did. He's probably got speeding tickets. Yeah, he probably fucking... He definitely does. He definitely has speeding tickets, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My name is Devon and I believe that Rowan Atkinson has speeding tickets. Just... Just inflating the lie to a level that we cannot possibly sustain it. And it becomes increasingly clear that what we've done is confused Rowan Atkinson with Matthew Broderick. And Rowan Atkinson, if you don't, but you want to come down here, if you leave now, you could get a speeding ticket by the time you get here. Some of you don't know about Matthew Broderick, huh? Google it after the show.

The voice of Simba? The voice of Simba, yeah. The voice of driving away from a fatal accident as well. Well that was the plot of The Lion King, yes. A lot of the Lion King, yes. Yeah. In many ways, Wildebeest are the cause of the Serengeti, so I guess that does make a lot of sense.

So, they have to infiltrate the fucking Swiss bunker, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is really funny, because I kind of get getting too into playing a secret agent, as a kind of 60-something comic actor, and being like, oh, this is cool, I'll just make them do this for real. But he gets into it so much, they kind of make him Captain Price? Like they're infiltrating the situation in the, like, SAS gear. He's like, right. We're gonna fucking...

Dude, like, he does the... Should have done one of the fruit pastels before I did the Captain Price voice. Something for tomorrow. They accidentally... He sets off an alarm beacon by mistake. Yes. And then they have to do the fake prisoner routine. And I do love it at this point, Daniel Kaluie just gets to beat the shit out of him.

Yeah, that's good. It's really funny that he just, just like punches him and he's like, oh, I can see why people like this, and then just beats the shit out of Rowan Atkinson and like takes him prisoner. I like the bit where he like gets too excited about it and he's like, oh, I've got, what if I shot you? And you see Johnny like, whoa! Carrying it too far.

He does, he fucking shoots him and so then he's in a fucking body bag. Yeah, yeah. I do also want to say before, when they get detected, English says... Dear God, let me not die at the hands of the Swiss. Dear God, let me not die at the hands of the Swiss. Which is one of these bizarre, like, top gear, like, joke bigotries that is still, like, acceptable.

Like, not to defend the honor of Swiss people, the most racist people in the world, but like, genuinely though, they teach their children to hate. To do, like, oh this is a funny comic thing to do, be like, oh god, the fucking Swiss. It's like, you don't know anything about the Swiss, man. Like, fucking, it's just a thing that you do that you think is funny and isn't, you know?

Also, dear god, let me not die at the hands of the Swiss is a sentence that was last said in 1513 at the Battle of Navarre. So, like, don't even... It's a shame what happened at the Battle of Navarre. They used to be quite left-wing, but just a lot of it's gone really weird. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about nowadays. Yeah. I like Savoyard Media, personally.

Couple of Swiss military history fans in tonight. He does one of his fucking... Oh, I learned this from the Ronin tangerine sellers of Burma bits. Where he like... But it doesn't work if it's not... Did you get off the dome? That's astonishing! It doesn't work if it's not Boff! He's just pulling rank on a younger agent and he is wrong.

And it's not the same joke. It's just a worse one. So anyway, Daniel Kalia pretends to kill him and then they put it... Because the only way up to the fortress is by cable car, right? So they put him in a body bag and then take him up in the cable... And I'm like, why? Yeah, put him in a fridge or something. Put him in the fucking skip.

What are you going to do with him up there? You're really going to have to bring him back down again, why? Yeah, put them in a fridge. Put them in the fucking skip! What are you going to do with them up there? You're really going to have to bring them back down again, right? They don't have a fucking corpse fridge at the top of La Bastia? No, bring it down! I'm really enjoying the idea of like a yellow skip in the driveway of a fucking evil bunker. Someone else's skip. They're just like, oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, we're having the driveway resurface. Getting crazy paving put in. Post on Nexor was like, stop putting corpses in my fucking skip. Watching that skip like a hawk. So they let Daniel Kaliya do some acting. He's really good, is the thing. I don't know if you know this, Daniel Kaliya is a really good actor. The movie figures this out about an hour and 15 minutes in. He's been waiting. He's been like, finally I get to do some fucking scenes.

Anyway, they figure out that the plan is that Agent One is going to give Pegasus the mind control drug in her little drink and then she's going to assassinate the Chinese Premier so it's going to look like she did it and they're going to get away with it, right? And then Johnny English bursts in and then he gets going to assassinate the Chinese Premier, so it's going to look like she did it, and they're going to get away with it, right? Yes. And then Johnny English bursts in, and then he gets some more gun points, like, oh, Pegasus, they were going to drug you. How were you going to do it? Were you going to maybe put it in a cocktail?

Then, oh no, he's drunk and then... Yeah, it's very funny. Also, I do know that when he first enters a room, Pegasus, Gillian Anderson, full force throws a vase at him. Like instantly, like the full Naomi Campbell reflex speed, just like, the slightest misdeed just goes. Like I could have said Cheryl Cole, there's a few people. I could, you know.

Mostly my note was just to say that I need Jillian Anderson to full force throw a vase at me. Or someone who looks a lot like Gillian Anderson in this movie. So they give Johnny English the mind control, sissy, hypno poppers. Yes. My man is dilated to fuck. Every sphincter of that man's body is dilated to its maximum permissible diameter. And again we get this weird like school class subplot.

Some of the weird ones like stomach too. Yeah, you need a lot of those sphincters tight. Yeah. Like... Most of them, yeah. Just in general, yeah. Yeah, that's its purpose, yeah. You want those sphincters to be tight.

I think most of what internal medicine as a field is, is about knowing which sphincter should be looser. Yes, yes. My man's gallbladder is getting flooded. It's just a ring of muscle, folks. So technically, your irises are a sphincter. Do you think you can take that home? It's just fun watching the audience to see which of you have had medical training.

You can really loosen those by doing too many poppers. They send him into the meeting with the Chinese Premier. And he's being controlled through an earpiece. Prior to this he has to have gone Joker mode, right? Because the way the drug works is... Agent One reveals himself to be evil. And he's like, the drug has a manic phase in which Rowan Atkinson does some physical comedy.

And then it has a Rowan Atkinson gets Cissy Hypno to do whatever I want phase. And then crucially, the next phase is Rowan Atkinson fucking dies phase. Yeah, 15 minutes. Yeah. A 15-minute window of you do whatever I say and then you die, right? Yeah, sure. The Chinese premiere says something here, and my note says, so racist, dog, because the translator says,

China regards Britain as completely honorable, and I'm like, I wouldn't. Fuck me, dog. There were some things we did. Like, quite dishonorable things to China. First of all, if they do, they're fucking naive. Secondly, we're still on this like, Confucian honor stereotype shit.

I'm like, for fuck's sake, dog. British Prime Minister entering dialogue with Chinese Premier, be like, we regard you as completely honorable. Chinese Premier, sup. Totally normal guy, you know? Like, even the bond things, where it's like he goes to the back of Uzbekistan and the guy's like, I recognize you from Oxbridge, where we both went.

It's like less racist than this. But so... They give him a secret gun. In? Concealed in? In some lipstick. Yeah, because they planned for it to be Gillian Anderson and so they have to do a little cross-dressing for it to be funny So they make him put on the lipstick and then pull the gun on the Chinese premiere. However

due to his monastic gel king regimen Fucking the fucking sentences this job Makes you say. Yeah. Due to his monastic joking regimen, Johnny English has a purity of spirit and a strength of will that enables him to resist these impulses through the means of more fucking physical comedy.

Yes. Like fucking, it's a guy windmilling his arms around. It's like, do you remember the Orson Welles quote about Woody Allen, right? Yes. Yeah, no, every single part of this the fucking the Chaplin disease right of wanting to be loved so badly that you project your Insecurities on screen everything you do is a kind of cry for attention everything he does on screen is therapeutic Yeah, and it fucking is it's it works on a podcast sucks in a movie It's gonna say I know I know a couple YouTubers like that. Do you want to name them?

Nope. Okay. Okay, cool. Little practice point here, by the way. No, I do not. They're shooting a lot of Tucker, right? True. Now, something that you might notice about Tucker is that he isn't white. a lot of Tucker, right? really harsh white light and they've bumped the contrast up and the effect of that is that you can't fucking see Daniel Kaluuya.

Like, it's just, it's badly made and it's fucking racist that no one on the fucking staff knows how to shoot people who aren't white. Racist color grading. It's a real thing. Racist movie. You meant shoot in terms of like film cameras? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Just important to clarify that one. So Daniel Kaluuya hacks the earpiece. In terms of like film cameras. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Good. Just important to clarify that one. Yeah, so Daniel clear

That's true. Hacks the earpiece. So agent one says over the like public address. I'm evil Yeah, that's it And also they jam the fucking connection. So Johnny English like just collapses at this point they call in some some Swiss paramedics and This is a weird piece of world building, right? Because the whole aesthetic is like Evil James Bond bunker. And we've left the kind of, even the comedy of Johnny English 1 behind. So these paramedics are wearing like reflective black?

And it's just a kind of goth ambulance crew? Which first of all looks sick as fuck. But second of all is just like, that's an odd thing to exist within the context Of this movie to be like someone's like no There's there would be too much color if we had like a foot kind of like fluorescent green Instead we have to have like, you know, the hot topic paramedics That's what I love the idea of a golf ambulance who like run around giving vampires blood transfusions. That's so fun Writing this down for Dracula's ex-girlfriend to I want I want to be a goth paramedic when I grow up um you've got the alphabet for it

thank you yeah just rolls up revives you they die of blunt force trauma with these swinging over you yeah so he gets revived by Rosamund Pike kissing him. He does a bit where he like ekes it out and he's like, ah, I'm almost better so she has to kiss him some more. And then when he gets better he says thank you and she says I was passing which... I'll say. I mean you were until you said it. She just, she hits one of these and she goes like, I was passing. Also, they do a joke that's written for Boff where he's like disappointed that Tucker won't kiss him, which within the thing is kind of a bit like child abuse. Like because Tucker's written to be like 19 and the work experience kid and he kind of

does like, where's my kiss on him? Which is... Yeah, that's like direct, it's your direct subordinate. You shouldn't kiss people who work for you. Problematic age gap apart from anything else. Anyway, at this point the movie decides, fuck it, he's good at being a spy. And so Rowan Atkinson base jumps off a mountain and ramps a snowmobile onto a cable car. This motherfucker, within the same movie, parachutes onto a snowmobile

and can't put on a pair of trousers. It just, it doesn't work. You have to be consistent. One thing I do like, the parachute opens and it's for Toshiba, we spy for you thing. Funny, funny. Yeah, spy who love me. However, my next note is film literally still going. Yes. They have a fight in the cable car and Agent One tries to kick him in the balls. Thanks to his monastic regimen of jelking, he has unlocked a strength of will that allows

him not to perceive pain from cock and ball torture. I would hate for this to happen to me. pain from cock and bull torture. I would hate for this to happen to me. And so there's some, actually there's some gender here because he like kicks him in the nuts like three times and then goes what's wrong with you? Yeah. This is possibly like a gendered reading of this. Anyway then then English calls him a five-star turd, which doesn't even make sense, and then kicks him in the nuts, incapacitating him. And then kills him. Well, sort of. He falls out of the cable car. It's still a little bit more film. Yeah, he falls out of the cable car because he's both competent and not, right?

And then you have to hand it to them. Like in this movie, they really do fucking kill James Bond because. Oh, wow. Incredible. Thank you to the Fremen for coming out tonight. No, I'm not doing anything.

Fucking lads, like... Ah, the heckler. Thank you. So, yeah, he blows up Jimmy McNulty's cable car with a fucking RPG. Sick. Shoots that out of his umbrella. He doesn't know he's doing it. He thinks it's the bulletproof umbrella,

but it's the one that actually shoots a missile when you close it. Odd. But sure, whatever. And we do have to hand this over. He does kill James Bond. He does the fuck out of it. He accomplishes the mission of our podcast, right? He takes out Agent 1.

No problem. He's killed so many fucking agents over the course of these two movies, actually. He's killed canonically all of them. That's true, yeah. He's killed more British agents than Kim Philby. And they made him king. King Philby. I'm not gonna do this bit.

So on the way out he calls Daniel Kaluuya a clever boy. I don't have a drop of it, but yeah, real bad. Don't do that. So, do you know the Queen? Still going. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, buried with like 10,000 corgis to serve her in the afterlife. When this came out, she was still alive

and people still like knew or cared who she was. People still like vaguely respected the monarchy. It's true. Yeah, that's wild. It's so weird to see this flashback to a time when people gave a shit about the monarchy and it's like, oh, that's the top bit of England. And now it's just like, oh, that guy's brother's a paedophile. Yeah.

Allegedly. Where the fuck is the king, by the way? I feel like there have been riots up and down the country for like weeks now and the king hasn't said a fucking thing. Well, he's been trying to text but the fingers, you know, like... He's dead, obviously. He's dead. The king is... That's a good point. And he's got speeding tickets as well.

There is like... LAUGHTER There is instability in the realm. Where is the king? The health of the realm is the health of the fucking monarch. He's gone. He's dead. Henry Vallingbroke is massing a fucking army with the Earl of Northumberland. Like, where are you at? Henry, if you're... You can be here by tomorrow.

Bunch of cokes-up football fans being like, Henry, Henry, Henry Bolingbroke. They knight him. They knight him again. Yeah. Because he used to be king, but then he was a knight, and then he lost that, and now he's a knight again. Yeah. Right. It's the same ending as the first one.

Yeah, except one thing about the Queen, right, is that she's an old woman with grey hair. Yep. Oh. One thing I don't remember the Queen being was Chinese. Getting a knighthood and you're like, it's fine, I just didn't expect it to be Chinese. I'll accept a Chinese knighthood. And so he... I wouldn't accept a British one.

Oh yeah, yeah. They went through a lot of trouble not to have those anymore. That's reasonable. So he goes Liz Truss mode and he tries to take out the Queen. He tackles the Queen. Starts beating her up with a fucking plate or whatever. It's a crisis. Yeah.

Oh, heckler. I don't know what you said. No. Gotta get a spotlight on whoever that was. Yeah, can we just like... We'll start booing. So, yeah, he like fucking gets the Queen in the headlock and the movie ends with the reaction shot of him

realizing that he has got the Queen in the headlock and it's like... Yeah, because they bring in the actual woman, like it's a bunch of guards coming to the room holding the actual woman and he goes like, oh, it's the Queen. Oh, fuck. Then has a mid-ccredit scene where he does the Hall of the Mountain King shit with some vegetables. I don't know what the fuck this was about.

We talked about this, like in the group chat you were like, what the fuck was that mid-credit scene? And I absolutely had not seen the mid-credit scene. The second the first like, Reddit popped up, I'm slamming the big like, red emergency stop button that I've had plumbed into a telly. the first like, Reddit popped up, I'm slamming the big like, red emergency stop button that I've had plumbed into a telly. Like the wood class at school machines, like, no.

You have like a saw stop for the TV that just detonates the LED. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm done. You go through so many TVs, that's why we're not profitable. Yeah, no. Really, honestly, I can't wait for you to defect so we can get back to a normal TV budget. No. I mean, the TV budget bought all these, you know.

Speaking of budgets though, I can reveal... It's a TS budget strictly. I can reveal some fun things about the budget of this movie. So it had a budget of 40 million. Fuck me. It made 160 million dollars. It made about 9 million. Oh. It made about $9 million in the US, which is not good. This is one of the least ethical ways to make $120 million.

And there are a lot of unethical ways to make $120 million. It's not even enough to assassinate the premier of China. There's approximately no ethical ways to make $120 million. If there are, I'm going to find them. We'll see, we'll see. Patreon.com slash KillJamesBombs. $120 million here. Where will we assassinate the Premier of China?

I'm not going to commit us to that. One of us maybe who can then defect to avoid suspicion. I'll do it, yeah, yeah. Sure. Perfect. So it made $9 million in the US, and then it made $151 million on the international market, which includes Britain.

So people love Mr. Bean, and they love Mr. Bean movies. They do. So, 33 million in the UK, 14 million in Germany, and then, and this is very funny, 13 million in Argentina. Wow. Which I thought was an interesting fact. Because they love Roy Atkinson in Germany and like serious,

serious like it's like just under like, and then everything else is like five hundred thousand in Singapore, five hundred thousand in like Peru or whatever. It's just like Germany and Argentina, like just one behind the other. That's crazy. Jesus Mr Beanist, oh! That's crazy. Jesus, Mr. Bean is Zerkormisch! And it also made me imagine Michael Fassbender as Magneto going to Argentina to hunt down Mr. Bean. It's the reverse, right?

You look at all the places where Johnny English Reborn was streamed in Argentina, and that's your kind of like, you know, signifying the number three with this, rather than like this. Right. That's how you know whether or not someone's a Nazi, right? But we don't... I mean... What did we learn from this movie, first of all? Tucker doesn't get a knighthood, by the way. He's just... He's gone. Yeah, Tucker just leaves the film.

Yeah, he's not getting shit. He's not even getting like a CMG. Like, nothing. He's out of here. He's not even in the third one. No. They kill him. Yeah, he's not getting shit. He's not even getting like a CMG. Like, nothing. He's out of here. He's not even in the third one. No. They kill him. Like, off screen or something. Boff takes him out.

That's a shame. So you what? Boff is a man without honor or humanity. Like, it's rough. It's more like Mesmothian Paler in that way. This movie, what does it say about masculinity? What does it say about Englishness? Oh, it says quite a lot about it. It says much more about masculinity in this movie, what does it say about masculinity? What does it say about Englishness? Oh, that says quite a lot about it.

It says much more about masculinity in this one, because he's much more of a typical James Bond figure in this one, even down to the making misogynistic jokes, which he resisted doing for the most part in the first one. Mm-hmm, yeah. It's the boomer particles have intensified to the point that we may no longer be able to contain them by your tickets to Night 3.

It gets worse. It does. It really does. But in this one, it's just like, oh yeah, of course this guy would like drive a big fuck off Rolls Royce. And of course speeding cameras are annoying, and call centers are annoying, and like, the government's privatizing everything.

We'll get to like more government stuff in three, but like, it's just... But hidden in all of that as well is just like, this David Cameron guy seems nice yeah he seems basically smart and chill he says stuff like rapprochement which is like he went to Eaton for God's sake yeah like it's a movie that falls for its own bullshit it like identifies hey wait a second you can't just say that this guy's cool cuz he went to Eaton and then goes David Cameron he seems like he's on the ball with the stuff you know

there's just like a little bit of reaction creeping in here. There's like conservatism at the core of Britishness starts to come in in this movie, and it gets much, much worse tomorrow night. And it's just alarmingly racist against like Asians specifically, like Chinese people, like just sort of a Pan-Asian racist noise. Hell, it doesn't do any favors for Mozambique. No, that's true. Or the Swiss, I guess, if we're going down the list.

Or all the fucking English people who aren't white. Like, Daniel Kaluuya is treated like fucking shit in this movie by Johnny English. Like, it's so painful to watch. Yeah, and he has to like kind of comically shrug it off because it's a comedy and it's like, okay. I genuinely thought there was going to be a moment where he goes to him and is fine. It's like, your country needs you.

And I wanted Daniel Kalu to have a moment to be like, oh, fucking does it? Does it? Yeah, it could have fooled me. Yeah, like he's a black kid living in a really small flat under fucking David Cameron's conservative government. I thought they were going to make a big deal out of it. Like, that would have been a really small flat under fucking David Cameron's conservative government, I thought they were gonna make a big deal out of it. Like that would have been a really interesting moment

if it said it's just like, yeah, go on then. But we don't have to be subjective about these things because we have a science-based system. It's called the SCUMM system. It stands for SMARM, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and Misogyny. So, on a scale of 0 to 7, how sm- SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM! SCUM That doesn't get easier. I don't like that you can use them to chant scum at me like that. But...

I'm trying my best over here. Alright, okay. How smarmy is this movie? Bear in mind that we gave the last one a seven. It kind of, weirdly it seems slightly less now that he's like more competent. It's less because they get more serious. It's true. There are fewer smarmy lines, but it's still extremely pleased with himself.

All that stuff like walking around the obstacles and like, oh, he's so wise because he's like got the old boomer stuff. He's better than the young agent who like can't take a hit and like, oh, I'm so wise, but I don't like put up with call centers and speed cameras and shit. It's like, oh, fuck. Oh. I think the parkour sequence made me want to give it a six. And all the Rolls Royce shit, too.

The bit with the Rolls Royce fucking lazes its way out of the garage. Yeah, no. Grim. Grief-fawning shot of the front of the Rolls Royce. Ooh. What if you could get a Rolls Royce? You can't. None of you can get a fucking Rolls Royce. I'm not getting a Rolls Royce. No one's getting a fucking Rolls Royce.

Only this guy's getting a Rolls Royce. And he not getting a Rolls Royce. No one's getting a fucking Rolls Royce. Only this guy's getting a Rolls Royce. And he wants to rub your face in it. Yeah. Sucks. Fuck off. They're not even that nice. I'd rather have an Aston. If any of you are buying... To defect, right, do you have to do an application form?

We can just... Yeah, we'll talk about this up. Alright, perfect. It's got to be a seven. Seven, fair enough. Sure. Un... wait, no, cultural insensitivity. The sum system! The sum system, yeah.

I can probably play all of these at once. Ow! As God is my witness, I didn't know that would work together as well as it did. Pretty good. I feel like it's worse than last night. It definitely is. It's the most racist one. So much worse. Well, because the first one was like pure, pure like... Oh, God. Admission, isn't it? No, what's the other one? Admission.

So good. It omitted the fuck out of shit. This one is actively mean to like half the planet. I feel like we've got to go into the punitive zone. Like calling technically a boy on camera. Like someone should have called that. And that shit you brought up Dev Dev about the fucking lighting as well. You're so right.

Yeah, like not even just within the actual script of the movie, but within the technical creation of the movie, they were racist towards Daniel Kaluuya. Eight? Nine? I'll do an eight, I think. Cool. Which puts us on par with I Think We'll Live and Let Die. Let's give us some room to go up.

Unprovoked violence though I think this this I mean what does he be again blow? Yeah, he blows up James Bond, but he was shooting at him. That's provoked Yeah, he beats up some goons, but they were attacking him He does do he does we the He does do, he does. We, the invisibilisation of ableism in our discourses. You are fucking stupid. I completely forgot that he pulls a gun on like disabled civilians.

For no reason. That very beautiful and intelligent woman in the front row who I've never met before is very correct. You should try me sing her, I've been dacing her for a while, she's lovely. Um, three then? Four? He's very correct. You should try me sing her. I've been dacing her for a while. She's lovely. Um... Three, then? Four? I don't know. How do we... She's nice.

What? She's nice. I've met her. Yeah, yeah. She's a good lass. I feel like... Is there anything else other than pulling a gun on disabled people? I mean, he does beat the shit out of the... What? You're not allowed to fucking interrupt me.

I half tolerate it from them. The mum thing is accidental, we don't count those. Like, it's not... Yeah, that's not... the movie isn't asking us to endorse that violence, it's like funny or ethical, right? Yeah. So... Agree? Yes. Yeah. So... Agree?

Agree, yeah. It's always the low one unless it isn't and then it's usually like... Danger Diabolic was the seven because of all the murders he did. All right. Misogyny. Misogyny. Don't woo that! Yeah, I thought the cheer line...

How's that motherfucker flensed? Spotlight, right? Some of you are going to laugh when you Google flensing. Having the kids interrupt M's briefing scene. Oh, it fucking sucks. And the whole like, New Brom sexism thing, like in GoldenEye, if you take that as a bellwether of British culture, it sucked then. So do it in 2011 to be like, oh, we're woke and soy now because there's women in charge,

and we're in touch with our feelings. It's fucking terrible. Dialogue is a weapon of choice. Dialogue is our weapon. At the very least, that puts it up in the realm of like five, right? Yeah, I think so too. And also the fact that Rosamund Pike just like obviously falls in love with him. It's like, oh. Doesn't really do anything else. Like, what is the rest of her character? He's revived by a kiss. I think so too. And also the fact that Rosamund Pike just like obviously falls in love with him. Mm.

Doesn't really do anything else. Like what is the rest of her character? Revived by a kiss. Does she have any hopes, dreams that we know of? Um... Death. Could we call that leakage? It's about it. Yeah, does she have any...

Just purely there to fall in love with Johnny English at the end. Six. Six. Six. Death. Death. Death. Six and an optional death penalty. Anything above five is death penalty as far as I'm concerned.

Are we establishing that as a zone then? Sure. Okay. That gives us a total score of 24. It is pretty bad. They're getting worse. They're getting worse. It's plausible.

I think... I'm not sure if this is going to be like a hump in the curve, if it's going to go straight down, you know? I don't know. Although Johnny English fairing better than Austin Powers, it must be sad. That's... Yeah. Now I can see that. Yeah, that's plausible to me. But worse than Charlie's Angels.

Charlie's Angels' full throttle was a 15. It was practically perfect. Yeah. In hindsight, that movie was great. Don't go back and look. Honestly, don't remember a fucking thing about that movie. Also pretty racist against Asians. Anyway.

We all have like awards as well. We do. We mentioned Kronstein earlier on. Who the fuck was that to? To the guy who jumps off the burning boat to jump onto a platform to fight Johnny English. God yes. Hell yes. That is going above and beyond.

He could have just swum away. That probably would have been clever actually. I feel like I also want to give another Kronstein rosette to the goon who stole the stewardess's clothes. Because that's like a hell of a gambit. That is going above and beyond. Yeah, transitioning for the bit. I mean, yeah, two Kronsteins.

If the bit's good enough. I kind of want to give Daniel Kali a good night cross. Absolutely, I feel like what else did we invent the good night cross? Yeah, exactly. For going above and beyond. Were there any from yesterday? We forgot to... I don't remember that movie. I remember a single fucking thing, I'm afraid.

Don't worry about it. I hit myself on the head with a big podcasting hammer. Yeah. Vote now on your phones. I don't care. Um... Okay. I did that specifically because you said to me there was one you wanted to give it to. And I don't remember now.

Okay. What a tangled web we have. To be fair, you told me who it was and I don't remember either. Yeah, exactly. All right. Speaking of Cronstein rosettes and good night crosses, after this there will be a bar open until 10, which gives you 40 minutes of drinking time, and we will be selling posters.

This poster, which fucks. We will be signing posters. We will be selling little pin badges of the Cronstein, Rosetta, and Good Night Cross. If you want us to sign those, they're really small, but we'll try. They're tough, tough to do. If you want to just hang out, come take a picture with us. Say hi. This is applicable to all of you here, none of you on the livestream. Unless you can make it to Conway Hall in the next, like, hour.

You gotta be fast. And if you can make it to Conway Hall in the next hour, why the fuck are you watching live? What is wrong with you? Yeah. What, have you got social anxiety? Half of these fuckers have got social anxiety. I've got social anxiety? Half of these fuckers have got social anxiety. I've got social anxiety!

Biggest cheer of the night for social anxiety! But yeah, go and get a drink afterwards, come and meet us, come and say hi. We will sign stuff for you. We've signed some interesting stuff. We've signed like disability cards. We've signed like... I think that's my favorite thing that we've signed is the person who asked us to sign their packet of estrogen. That was really special. That was pretty good. And the two guys yesterday in the custom hench outfits that asked us to sign their packet.

Yeah, that was cool. Yeah, we signed a rank slide. I mean, like you guys are... We have people everywhere, right? And I can't stress this enough. You guys are the best, like genuinely. And to have a crowd that's like this good and this queer and this trans in like such straightened times as these

is like such a tonic for us, hopefully for all of you as well. And we hope to like repay you with content, you know? To have this crowd in the heart of Keir Starmer's constituency. Keir fucking Starmer. Oh, we're here, baby. We're not fucking going anywhere. That's right. We're here tomorrow night. You can still buy tickets.

killjamesfun.com slash live. Any closing remarks? My cherished co-hosts and friends? I'll save it for tomorrow. I'll save the mushy stuff for tomorrow. Yeah, we'll do the mushy stuff. In that case, it only remains for me to say, we have been Kill James Bond.

Thank you so much for coming out. Good night. CHEERING Knights. These things are falling down. Thank you. Yeah!