Kill James Bond! - S3E28: Johnny English Strikes Again [LIVE]

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Check out the video of this live show on our youtube! King Johnny the First of England has been let go from MI7 for killing the Queen, and has taken up teaching. Prime Minister Liz Truss struggles to make Britain relevant. Johnny English and Bough attempt to save the world from a nefarious tech guy using the power of- and im not kidding here- keeping it 'old school'. This- recorded live at Conway Hall on the 11th of August- is Johnny English Strikes Again! Artwork by Gwen Snow and Mia Cain ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. They deserve to survive.https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Conway Hall, please welcome to the stage, Kill James Bond! Oh wardrobe malfunction prone point we had risking there hello and welcome to another live episode of kill James Bond I am November Kelly yeah get your fill. The last one for a minute or two. It's fine. Joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne. Hello. And Devon. Thank you so much for coming out and thank you for watching on the live stream if you are. There are no more tickets available.

There is no night four. You have fucked it if you haven't made it to this one, frankly. If you're on the way right now, forget it. Turn around. It's over. Steve Coogan sadly doing a J-turn. Rowan, it's not worth the speeding ticket. sadly doing a J-turn. Rowan, it's not worth the speeding ticket. Sadly doing a J-turn.

The morose J-turn. All right, well, I'm going to be thinking about that the whole rest of the evening. This is going to be the weirdest one because we've had two nights to bed in a lot of jokes that are only funny to us. Yeah. I apologize in advance. So dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to recapitulate the 2011 film

Johnny English Strikes Again. To say farewell, to lay to rest a British icon. Except not really because there's going to be a fourth one. Jonathan Englishman. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you not aware? Yeah. They are making a fourth right now.

They're filming it currently in Malta. With an air of active menace. Like, the threat is never. It's like the terrorist threat level, right? Like, it might be the risk of another Johnny English movie. It's minimal, right? But it's never nothing, right? We should always be prepared.

30 seconds to Johnny English midnight. Just the Robbie Williams alarm goes off. If you see Rowan Atkinson, right? Say something to a member of staff or British Transport Police. You can text them on 61016. See it, say it, sort it. Together we can solve this menace.

It's not good to call it the English question, is it? Well... I don't think so. But this movie, this movie again, because these movies come out in lulls between Bond movies. This one came out after Spectre before No Time to Die when they were still trying to figure out whether Craig could stick the landing or not. And obviously he couldn't, like it sucked. You were there, some of you, for the stress of space project for that. But in 2018, they made a third Johnny English movie. And my first note just says, why? I feel the answer may be that Rowan Atkinson likes money

and wants to make more of it. Because the second one made so much money. It made like $120 million. It's crazy how much money these make. Thanks to those damned Argentinians. They were like, oh, this is profitable. They don't have a Johnny Argentinian, right? So they have to.

I tell you what, that would not sell $100 million over here, though. No, it would not. Johnny Argentinian resurfaced after a few years after Johnny German disappeared. Although, we never find out what Johnny English was doing before the events of Johnny English. So like, I want to see it.

What was he doing in the Falklands War? What was he doing? What was Johnny English doing on 9-11? We don't know. Now, English, your mission is to infiltrate Wesley Snipes' apartment. It wasn't the plane. He just knocked everything over like a madcap antique. But so I complimented the last movie right having a guy called Burn Gorman in

it you might know his face if you don't know his name right and I described him and I sort of regret this as a man who looks like a nasty little freak, right? I said that they don't cast actors for looking like nasty little freaks anymore And I said that this represented the decline of cinema. I'm very sorry this movie begins with Kevin Eldon Guy I love to see like really in British comedy actor. Yeah, that's nasty little freak. I love to see like really in British comedy actor. Yeah Nasty little freak. I love to see also he's he's like 65 years old and does not look at like my man is Exfoliating evens gray well He looks thirsty, but he looks thirsty and like two weeks dead is the thing like kind of recently exhumed That's what I'm going for

Dracula's ex-girlfriend Dracula's ex-girlfriend. Oh, thank you. So, all of these movies seem to start with a close-up of some horrible nasty little freak's face. And so, in the first movie, it's Rowan Atkinson. The second movie, Rowan Atkinson. And the third one, Kevin Elton. And he's the night duty officer at MI7.

And because of technology and our modern ways of living, he's on his damn phone. Yeah. He's on his damn fucking phone. Well, he's more than just on his damn phone. He's playing Temple Run. 2018. He's playing the kind of games you get misleading ads for on Twitter.

And then appropriately- We are fucking under attack. Exactly. Play with me, my lord. Like that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they are fucking under attack, right? They're under cyber attack.

We are fucking under cyber attack. 2018. Listen, I'm not gonna say that this movie, or indeed any movie, needs to write the IT accurately. That would be the worst, most cinema sinssin-ding thing you could say about it. Although we did get mad in fucking Spectre when Q didn't even airdrop his fucking laptop. He just plugged that shit straight into MI6's mainframe and got a virus. This is basically the same thing functionally in that a bunch of blue screens turn to red,

and there's a bunch of like flashing angry messages. That's how you know a cyber attack is happening. When the screen is red. If your screen turns red and starts flashing and says shit like agent compromised you're basically fucked. You shouldn't have turned on Kaspersky just because it was blocking chivalry too. The firewall is really sensitive but you still need it. You want to be selective about this? Screen turns blue, good for you. Screen turns red, agents are dead. I love the idea that this is some kind of down-home country almanac GCHQ wisdom. Now I'm just a simple country GCHQ employee.

Grant, he told me. Oh, my God. But yeah, so like they fucking get cyber attacked and they have to wake up the prime minister. And this is the first interesting thing about this movie, right, is that the prime minister played by

Emma Thompson, woman I love. That's right. played by Emma Thompson, woman I love to see. That's right, that's right. Woman I love to see. And the thing is this movie with Satoru, it hits a moving target, unintentionally, right? Because 2018, they're aiming this at Theresa May. But they aim for like Theresa May, but like what if she was like 25% dumber? Yeah, yeah. They're hitting like Theresa May, but she's drinking all the time,

she seems really put upon, she seems really like, stressed out by something. She's blonde. Can you imagine a politician like that? I mean, someone who's... Someone who's everything about their character says, you know, the outfit says, stop the boat, but also I like to party. Well, she's playing like... She's playing like out of her depth. This button is holding on for dear life.

This is coming off at like terminal velocity and killing someone in the background. Well, she plays the Prime Minister's really like out of her depth and doesn't know what she's fucking doing. Yes. She lurches into the scene like Freckle. She's like, I've had six beta blockers in a large iced coffee Her line is literally like I've had two bottles of wine and half a packet of sleeping pills. What the fuck's going on? Yeah, which I And it's Liz Truss

Accidentally hit that 30 day window. It is a pitch. Some trust fans. Perfect Liz Trust. Yeah. It's uncanny how much it's Liz Trust. I appreciate that there's some Trust fans in the audience, you know, still here, still ride or die in Liz We Trust. Yeah. I feel like maybe like a lot of our jokes, some of our jokes come from the movies we've watched, some of our jokes are sort of from outside sources.

And sometimes I feel like we need to explain what some of them mean, like the Yamcha pose, for instance, or things like that. Liz Truss was a short-lived Prime Minister, just in case. She was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland for about 45 minutes, and what she did was kill the queen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Something she had in common with Johnny English. Yeah, because the queen isn't in this one. Killed the queen, right? That means that the last shot of Johnny English, too, could plausibly be him realizing he has killed the Queen. Oh no, Johnny! That's probably why they kicked him out of MI7 this time. Yeah.

It's a real shame. Yeah, he killed the Queen, crashed the economy, and then obliterated about a thousand pounds worth of bath robes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been there. And then pieced the fuck out. She's at the fringe right now, living her best life. She tried to do a right-wing grifter thing over in America for a while, didn't work because she's got no charisma and no one likes her.

And now she's just doing self-care. Liz, we trust, baby. She's here tonight. Did you say she's at the fringe? Yeah. She better be. No, she is. She's got a show? Oh, she is?

No, she's going to other people. Oh, okay. I thought you meant she was doing like a 55 minutes above a pub. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Liz Trost, high five. I can't say I wouldn't go. That's true. I absolutely would.

Hand on heart, I can't say I wouldn't check that out. I would go on behalf of the transgender community. Okay, so I know which one of us is getting arrested after the show. I want to distance myself. She's probably got some speeding tickets too. We're actually... I don't have speeding tickets, I'm far too gay to drive. Not you, Liz Trust. We're going to be pursuing disciplinary action against Abigail Thorne for that remark, which killed James Bond. Buy me a drink first. So, because of the cyber attack, right, every agent has been compromised. They've fucked MI7's cyber pussies.

And so, the Prime Minister is like, I don't care, I've got a bathrobe to soil. Just get a guy who's so old that you have paper files for him, that he's like pre-digital, right? Back in the, you know, the halcyon days of like 2003, when nothing was on the computer. Yeah. So we cut to Jonathan Englishman. And he's in the woods. He is like doing a pursuit and the person that he's pursuing falls into a hole, which gives me the drop, where the fuck is it? That is a first class mantra.

Okay. Which is a weird thing to say, but a weirder thing to say to a child. Yes. Because it turns out these- We need to make him relatable to English people. What is he doing? Hunting children through the woods.

He's loose in the woods. Because it turns out that he's a teacher at this fancy boarding school, Hogwarts school for spycraft and torturing. He's doing Jim Predo shit from Tinker Tailor. The references don't stop. And he's teaching, he's mixing in espionage lessons with his teaching. And we see one of the ways in which he does this is... Well, listen, I'll just give you the dialogue.

And let me tell you, this is the worst drop I've had and all told there are five racist noises drops. This is the worst one. This is English to a classroom of especially young children as well. You're looking particularly beautiful tonight. You're looking particularly beautiful tonight. He's like training them how to be a spy. This is a safeguarding issue.

It's a huge safeguarding issue. It's a huge You can't like if your teacher starts mixing in seduction class with geography Eventually, you may receive a medium-sized settlement from your school. Mm-hmm. There'll be a real dick about it, but so Was yours only medium-sized? I mean this is so much about me anyway they from where I'm sitting again this button is they call him in back to MI7 they're like we need you back for one last job yeah and he's like fuck them kids yeah drops instantly it's like oh mannish substitute teachers the next six months last job. Yeah, and he's just like, fuck them kids. Yeah, drops them instantly. Out of there.

Oh, mannish. Substitute teachers for the next six months, you know? And they get him in, along with three other old men. Three other, like, kind of legends of the game, former agents. And this is the other thing, right? Is if you know enough people, if you're famous enough, you can just get people to be in your movie for one scene and just do whatever.

Fucking lame. It's like, he's got fucking Charles Dance, Michael Gambon, and Edward Fox. Like, legitimately good actors. What are you doing? Have you spent all the money? It's like going up to Edward Fox, being like, hey man, love Dave the Jackal,

love your weirdly unsettling horse-sized teeth. Um The accent still sexy even though you're like 90 years old Do you want to be in my like sequel to a sequel where you play the silliest oldest cunt in the world? And Edward Fox is like, yes Texting Brandon Rogers right now saying gonna edit you out of Dracula's ex-girlfriend. Yeah, my own note is, how embarrassing would it be to keep just name-dropping people you know? So these are the kind of kind of-

No jokes. We thought about reaching out to Jared Leto. Taking a break from the kombucha business. No kombucha. So these are the kind of chads to Johnny English's Virgin, right? Because he shows up in his tweed jacket and his shit old car, and all of these guys are like shaggots, you know? Just because they're old, they're like, I've got the exploding stun grenade pen from my old spy days, and I'm going gonna use it to fill out this form

and to play kind of chicken with the timer, you know? He takes the cap off and it's like, it's on a 20 second timer, he's like hovering over the thing. Can you see what happens next, right? It's a joke with a lot of foreshadowing. He sets off the fucking stun grenade pen. Yeah, he sets off the stun grenade.

It's, I don't know, it's kind of cute though, because he like drops the pen, he like bumbles it into the T's, he's got 20 seconds to find it, and then like he can't find it in time, so he just leaves the room and closes the door. We hear the stun grenade go off, and then when the MI7 people open the door, these three old men are just like knocked out asleep, and it's like, oh they all dozed off, and that's how he gets the job. Six ruptured eardrums. Also, the thing I like about this is as he's trying to find the stun grenade timer thing,

Charles Dance gives him the Charles Dance classic, right, which is every role he's ever been in, it's the direction seems to be strain as hard as you can not to call the guy in front of the camera the F-slur. So he's just looking at him like... You know he's thinking it. So he incapacitates all the other agents and they're like, I guess this is the only one left. And like the new Pegasus, he's a bloke this time. Yeah, Gillian Anderson, fucking dead, retired.

She got fired after Johnny English killed the Queen in front of her. Reasonable. They were like, you've got to get out of here. But he's like, who are you? And it's like, well, this guy was the king of England briefly, like a couple of years ago. You think some of the students might know that, instead of being on their phones. They have to learn his name. When I went to school, it was especially if a teacher had a doctorate or

like taught you seduction classes. Let alone if he was a fucking knight. And my geography teacher, Sir Johnny English. Yeah, my geography teacher, King Johnny the First of England. I'd mention it, I don't know. Also, like, do the people not know he attacked the Queen? Like, what's he... If you were the monarch not know he attacked the Queen like what's he? If you were the monarch and attacked the previous monarch like that's that's news

Yeah, you go to the history for that shit. They gotta put that in the paper surely But so they recruit him again and they're like we need you back for one last job and weirdly and at this point He got because they give some even the list of shit He needs right like I'm gonna need the fucking t2 exploding banana or whatever Weirdly, at this point, he gives him a list of shit he needs, right? Like I'm gonna need the fucking T2 exploding banana or whatever. I'm gonna need the rocket-propelled Brokes. I don't... But then he goes, and I'm also gonna need a bof.

And I'm like, what the fuck is a bof? And I have the fastest and briefest run of Stockholm syndrome I've ever had in my life. I'm like, okay, so the main guys adopt old bastard now and we're going back to the first one again This is just more bond stuff, you know Yeah, like I I appreciate someone willing to to depict themselves as like a stupid old cut in general, right? Like it's why I was writing for Biden Like, it's why I was writing for Biden. Um... LAUGHTER But so, he takes them back to the shitty office he started Johnny English won in.

You know, it's like when a video game does that, it's like, oh, it's the tutorial level again, but you've levelled up a bunch of times, you know? You know, you can take out Ben Miller really easily. What? Yeah, I guess so. And Ben Miller is there, looking older older and he's back in this movie. I guess Rowan Atkinson forgave him for being funnier than him. He's, I mean, there are strict conditions.

There are like bail conditions on that because he's not on this one. Like he's not funny at all in this one. He's not funny in this one. They must have like not allowed, he's got an ankle bracelet on. Yeah. The surgically implanted suicide squad bomb

into the back of Ben Miller's neck. It's like if you overshadow Rowan's physical comedy one more time, it just detonates the top of your head. If the tag hears laughter, it just like, administers the cyanide and kills him. Let me tell you this for fucking free. It would be easy to overshadow Rowan Atkinson's comedic chops in this fucking movie, because he doesn't do any jokes.

It's true. They kind of forget to do that. I guess maybe the alternative is that transphobia makes you not funny anymore. It's plausible. It's very true. Maybe that's what happened to Ron Miller. It rots your brain. No, to J.K. Rowling, then.

Hasn't apologized for signing that open letter. Can apologize anytime, Ben. But for the moment, right, Ben Miller is here. I'm laughing, I'm clapping like a seal. I'm like, I'm just like, yeah, Miller is here I'm laughing I'm clapping like a seal I'm an oaf like I'm just like yes this is funny I guess they have the kind of the 24-7 total power exchange DS relationship that exists between English and both is back in full swing it's like the Duke of Burgundy it's like cyclical right like the day starts over again, English is drinking a lot of water.

His boots are looking real shiny in this film. So, both like, I'm so glad to be back. We got to do the Q scene now. Q from the last film, also not in this. Gone. Dead. Q is now woke, soy, gay. He's gay. He's twink, he's double-twink. This is the twinkest Q is now woke, soy, gay. He's gay.

He's twink. He's double-twink. This is the twinkest Q I've ever seen in my life. They try to do the Ben Wish or twink you think, which first of all implies that English killed the last Q by tipping him out of his own wheelchair. Yeah, we don't see him again after that. That's a good point. But also...

This guy has a little wake of destruction behind him. Yeah, no kidding. But also, the Q branch looks like an Apple store now. And they have a twink and a sweater who's clearly parodying Ben Whishaw. Except at least they let Ben Whishaw be Q, right? They didn't rename him to R, like John Cleese, right? And this guy is P. He has a big little P lapel.

Yeah, he's the port-a-master. is P. He has a big little like P lapel. Yeah, he's the poor, poor to master. Like Q comes from something. The one joke I wrote for this whole series of live shows and the funniest one is about this very thing. I'll get there. But before I do, right, English is like, I don't, it's all like phones and shit. Yeah, this is where the movie begins, it's like everything is gay now. Yeah, fully serious, like boomer parts. I think I have the drop here.

There's a Twitter handle, Instagram feed and secure login for the department Uber account. What's the unevent, Buff? I need a weapon and not a box of gobbledygook. Yeah, I couldn't understand it either. Like the tannoy at London Houston. He tries to give him his gadgets and it's like a phone and he's like, Oh, does it explode? Is it a stun gun? He's like, no, it's a phone. And he's like, oh, have you got anything else? He has to like ask for a gun and like P fully tells him. We don't really do guns anymore.

Which is... Very plaintive. Yeah, it's quite like, well, at least now we know what the P stands for pussy faggot Inventing that I thought you were just calling me that We're pursuing strong disciplinary action Inventing the pH slur on the stage of the ethical society is a real career high point for me, I have to say. To thine own self be true.

Hahaha! Woo! But so, but so P is like, alright, well I can give you a gun, but I'm gonna need to do some health and safety jokes first. 2018 this came out, like the health and safety schtick was old by like 2013. They did it in the last movie. They had Pegasus be like, MI7's weapon is dialogue now. In the last movie. Like, it's a perfect metaphor for this kind of shit because it's purely imagined. There was never a pre-lapsarian MI7, right? Because even in Johnny English 1, it was too woke for him, you know?

Well, in many ways, Johnny English is a man out of time. This is true. But so he has to give him the whole health and safety spiel, part of which is, it includes the phrase, any agents with nut allergies. And I love this idea that allergies are woke. Yeah. A fucking soy boy collapsing on the floor from anaphylactic shock. Just looking for attention.

Your special injection pan. I'm pretty certain they used to have those and people just died at birth of them. Yeah, I mean occasionally you see people like, oh when I was a kid there was no genders, and nobody had any allergies, and nobody had any mental health problems, and it's like yeah, everyone ate peanut butter and died or killed themselves or had a drug addiction. What? These days you can only die of eating peanut butter if you have to like press a manger. Like, it's a little health and safety joke for you there.

Also as far as these things go, I think that if you're going to do a health and safety spiel for issuing someone with anything, a gun should be like on the list, right? I want the guy to get a health and safety briefing about the gun maybe. I also, I mean if only as a test of his patience, I feel like you shouldn't be guy to get a health and safety briefing about the gun maybe. I also, I mean if only he has a test of his patience. I feel like you shouldn't be able to get a gun unless you can tolerate some degree of bullshit. The mandatory three day waiting periods kind of thing. Yeah. Just, I mean.

It's a fucking 23 year wait for gun now. It's awful. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's alright. You can always source your own don't wait no okay okay we're pursuing strong disciplinary action against me later I hope we're probably doing like drinks at the pub around the corner so they give them the gun and they give them the health and safety thing and they, since this is 2018, presumably go, by the way, you're now legally immune from any consequences of using this on anyone. And then you've got to give them the car.

All right, well, okay, so guns are gay. No, guns aren't gay. Phones are gay. Phones are gay. Phones are gay. Health and safety is gay. Having not allergy, that's gay, first of all. What else is gay?

Electric cars. It's true. Because they take... Are you joining us, Mr. Clarkson? They take... I see you made it here after all. They take him into a big hanger full of silver and grey electric cars, which would blend in most places in Britain, to say the least,

probably in Europe Be a good car for a spy very economical doesn't attract a lot of attention quiet you know lets you creep up on people and they the punchline is you can take any hybrid you want and You get an unironic like boomer disgust look off of Ron Atkinson. There's not even a joke here He's just like the planet gay And so instead he gay

He pulls a tarpaulin off of the real star of this movie, which is a red Aston Martin V8 Vantage. Now, I mean... We get some fawning shots about V8 Vantage because this man is a car guy. He doesn't give a shit about the rest of this. He fucks sex with these cars. Yes, and he's sped with them several times. Yes. Criminally, in fact.

Yeah, he's dodging those tickets. It's fucking crazy. Anyway... We can disavow all of this later. This isn't, it's not the colour I'd want, but this is the car I want. It's a nice... It's really nice. They've figured out that they need it to not be a fucking Bentley or some shit.

It needs to actually be like a car that maybe your dad could buy. This is the car that Rowan Atkinson did buy. Because he's a car guy, because he's a Top Gear guy, it's his car. He, like, they kind of made the movie around it. He just wants cars. He literally just wants cars. Like, he's only making this...

Take it back. He's only making this fourth movie because he's imagined another car he wants. Yes. He's like, fuck it, I could probably get him. It's like us live shows and outfits, right? Like, there's a very clear chain of causation and it's very selfish. We're not thinking big enough We really so much big. Yeah, I mean but so the movies really like filmed around this car this horrible

Cut we had someone in who worked on this movie last night Who came up to us and said I have been in in this car, I think they even drove this car, and was like, it's shit. It's a terrible car. But the movie is like, this car fucking rules. It was the last car made before England got neutered by the woke, soy, gay agenda. Well, these cars, these classic cars,

they look really nice, but then you get in them and it's like riding around in a fucking hangover because they're loud and they're hot and they're cramped and they suck. It's a lot like me. Yeah. It's terrible, which is why I would offend Rowan Atkinson even more by getting one, gutting it and putting an electric engine in it. Just to piss him off. It's a really ugly variation on what I, like my favorite Bond car.

Like I like this car in the living daylights where it's painted black, but he's painted it red and it's horrid. It's like really, I don't know, gauche, I guess. The textual excuse for this is that they're dealing with like a hacker, right? This is a cybercrime guy, so we need to go low tech. We need to get like an old fucking petrol belching car. We need to not bring a smartphone. We're going like analog, pure analog.

Yeah. We need a guy. We need the last guy we have who doesn't have pronouns. It's just, it's just desperately pathetic. And the thing is, something we've noticed across these movies is that decreasingly, Rowan Atkinson is able to resist making himself look cool or trying to. Like the first movie, pure oath. He's like running into walls and shit.

Second movie, the oath has been cut a little bit. It's been like 30% of like Chad. So like he can put on, he can like parachute onto a snowmobile but he can't put on trousers, right? This movie, they forget the oaf. They just forget the oaf. He's literally just good at everything. He's just cool. He throws the smartphone out of the car window into a bin and it's like what like that's not funny. Yeah. You're too competent. This is the guy who in the first film like threw his coat to try and land it on a coat rack and went out of a window and killed someone. That was a funny joke.

This is the guy who killed the queen. Yeah. Yeah. Although, even in the first one, he managed to pull a J-turn off when it asked him Martin. Yeah. And instead, he's just full force throwing a phone into a bin.

It's just like, OK, man. It just doesn't marry up at all. Like, the description on Amazon is like everyone's favorite accidental super spy or whatever and it's like, no he's not. He's not at all. That's not him. He's just doing this shit. He's just an actual spy at this point. He does a non morose J-turn. Like a kind of jubilant J-turn. This is what the J stands for. I guess you would be jubilant after you hitilant J-turn. This is what the J stands for. And like peels out a thing. I guess you would be jubilant after you hit a J-turn. I might be jubilant, yeah. I think I would be like perfectly like ataraxic.

I would maintain, you know? Like I would be in a kind of state of total equilibrium, you know? I would be like, I accept that the J-turn has happened, but it's now in the past. I'm thinking about the J-turn to come. Yeah, I'm doing nothing but J-turns. This is true wisdom, you know.

What's it called when you do the opposite of a J-turn? Uh... An L-turn. It's got to be an R-turn or something like that, right? Just be doing that all the way. I hope you enjoyed me trying to figure out what a reverse J was with my fink. I...

My love, I also did that. Bear in mind, we sign merch after this. I've had two nights of it and only at the end of last night did I figure out what my signature was supposed to look like. She was so proud of it though. It's pretty good. You should check it out later by getting her to sign it. Yeah, hang out afterwards. I'll sign whatever, to be honest. Anyway, Ben Miller says, Rowan Atkinson,

our next location is a luxury hotel in the south of France. Before they do, they have gadgets. Oh, yes. Sorry, yes. They have gadgets. They have a bunch of, they're largely candy themed, right? And like old candy, because candy used to not be woke. Yeah, like non-woke candy.

Like old style curly- used to not be woke. Yeah, like non-woke candy, like old style curly whirly or whatever. Like, yeah, before they made the curly whirly soy, you know. So they've got like a sherbet fountain, which if you're old enough to remember what a sherbet fountain is, Jesus Christ. It's time to go to bed. It's time. It's time. Like, it's over. You're like done, you know. But the sherbet fountain or whatever is like a transmitter.

And they've got a packet of old packaging jelly babies. Not sure why it has to be the old packaging, other than for boomers to go, yo, I remember that. You know, it used to be called a marathon bar. And so Ben Miller's about to eat one of these. And he goes, I wouldn't, because the jelly stands for Jell-Ignite, and if you ate one, you would like blow your entire head off and the roof of the car. Much like if you were funnier than me at any time in this movie.

There are two in your shoes, Bob. Activated by this button. Ben Mill is like approaching a joke and you can hear the beeping get slightly louder. So they got a drive to the south of France. Yes, because they're like well we want to have a next location but we don't want it to be somewhere that's like difficult to access or like uncomfortable for us to stay in when we're not on camera so it's a luxury hotel in the South of them oh they've got they've also got a pair of they've got like high energy pills and knockout pills they're in the same vial but the different colors and we will go I see and so Ben Miller's like so the cyber attack was launched from the hotel Wi-Fi at this luxury hotel and we've

checked out all the guests and we found that one of them is like a former mercenary guy called Sebastian Lynch. So they go to the hotel and they find him and I'm like if I was launching a cyber attack from hotel Wi-Fi, I would have left shortly after doing that. I wouldn't stick around actually. If I was committing a crime using someone's Wi-Fi, I'd be leaving shortly after. We're getting straight on out of that. They... Just checking something.

Hmm. Yeah, how's that torrent going? Um... Just... Do you have a Wian gun on the internet, actually? Like, it's a bunch of STL files. I don't recognize that file extension. Um, but... Oh, well, run as administrator. Fuck it. Let's see. Yeah, we've got a 3D printer running back there. of STL files I don't recognize that file extension but so I'll run his administrator fuck it let's see we got a 3d printer running back there it's

almost done if the live show goes badly you're making it up yes starting with me. I love the bit where we threaten to kill our audience. I was surprised they laughed at that, but it worked. The number of Abigail Thorne credible death threats up to two this evening... LAUGHTER I'm just going to shift my chair a bit further away. We get very confident on the play, don't we?

It's going to be real cranky when I don't have dinner before we do the show Anyway, they see this guy. He's having dinner his bones on the table, which is very rude Do they disguise themselves as waiters and decide to do French accent Jesus? Right this is there in my bullshit scene The archbishop of Kent a bettery that's our standard for French accent in these movies. They manage worse. It's genuinely, it's like 40 Towers level shit, right? It's just like, Ben Miller and Rowan Atkinson

lightly debasing themselves by doing a shit French waiter act. It sucks. They didn't need the accents though, because the bit where somebody says to him like, like oh could you take the shell off my lobster is Quite funny, but he like doesn't he doesn't know how to do it because he's not a real weight And then he like tries to flambe some prawns and just like spider the whole fucking restaurant See this isn't really oafish

This is like in the same way by the same token as in the second one like flying a helicopter Badly is like not an oafish thing to do. Like fucking like skinning? A lobster. What do you do to a lobster? I'm going with D shell. D shell. Okay fine. Whatever it is you do to a lobster. Right. Yeah.

What did James Bond do to that lobster? Also, hang on a minute, what fucking restaurant is serving you a lobster and not cutting it in half for you? Like... We're having sort of a gulf of experience here. I... Quite... Quite genuinely. Your objection here is like, all the times I've eaten lobster,

that's never happened to me. And my experience is, I have never eaten lobster because I'm too scared of them having to like, de-vein it. Even if you order a whole one. Them having to exsanguinate the fucking lobs. I don't... It's going to be a whole thing. Someone else has to do it for me. It's embarrassing. I don't want to do it. Genuinely, if someone asked me to de-shell a lobster, I would kill myself on the spot.

Like, there's just... You just have a little 3D printing a gun to the back of the restaurant on their Wi-Fi when it says Wi-Fi for customers only I was taking that very literally No, even if you order a whole one They should cut it in half They should bisect the lobster and then give it to you along with the tools to pick the logs to me Quadrasec the law it's still pretty hard from that point From it's a difficult food. I Cafe with a chalkboard up that says,

no Wi-Fi, bring a gun like it's 1979. Bring a real gun. It's really anti-3D printing. Prefer an analog gun. Real old school. There's this app shit. It's like a flintlock pistol or something. Yeah, this is the only thing that still works against the cyber attack, you know?

But so yeah, they set the restaurant on fire. They grab this guy's phone on the way out. They go through it and they find that in the background of one of this guy's selfies with his wife is a yacht. The yacht is called the dot calm. Calm is in like ataraxia, like again like so emotional equilibrium right except the way that Rowan Atkinson pronounces the word calm Dot calm the dot calm Ben Miller has the idea that oh whoever was on the yacht could have parked the yacht outside the hotel use their Wi-Fi and

Then just sped away. Which is not the guy, like, I guess this is a kind of good representation of British intelligence because they did burn down an entire restaurant to hack the phone of a completely innocent man. Yeah. I also spotted that, like, this guy doesn't come back, he's not connected to this in any way. This is theft, this is crime. Well not since the covert human intelligence sources.

Yes, that's very true. It was also legal when Johnny English fucked him. Yeah. He enticed into a relationship with Johnny English. Horrible. I mean, I guess that's just Rosamund Pike in the last movie. Yeah, to be fair, she left him pretty too sweet after he killed the queen in front of her yeah she did not stick around for this not many not many relationships would survive that i don't know rowan arkinson must have some kind of riz because he dated james a castor's girlfriend

famous he did yeah he got james a castor feeling insecure i guess rowan arkinson is not stealing Feeling insecure, I guess. Rowan Atkinson is not stealing your wife. Like, there's no way this is happening. Fucking better hadn't, you know, because I'll 3D print the shit out of something if he tries. Credible death threats counter to... Zero, surprisingly. All of mine have been to myself thus far. Okay, sure. And I guess have been to myself thus far. Okay, sure.

And I guess every old person in the world. We count those, I'm pretty certain. But so, oh Christ, what happens next? We get another Thompson trust scene. I wrote Emma Watson, which would have been a much better film, but yeah, the Prime Minister and a Thompson. Is this called the cut scene?

No, no, trust scene. Oh, okay. I thought you were like playing it as a video game and just like, why did none of the controls respond to it? No, I'm afraid. I'm afraid. Just like sitting in front of Johnny English with an Xbox controller, just like,

this cutscene long as hell. This is long as hell. Huh? Were there any Johnny English video games? Metal Gear Solid S. Huh? Someone said yes automatically out there. Which implies to me that not only do you know that it's true, but you've played it.

If they made a video game, that's terrifying information. And also, if you're playing Johnny English the video game, if you fuck up, do you win or lose? 2003. It's a very philosophical question. Get the tube. 3D printing a tube. The Prime Minister is watching a presentation by Jason Volta, who is a tech billionaire, the CEO of Volta Tech.

Yeah, he's fucking Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg. Elon Musk pre-brain worms. Yeah, 2018. And Mark Zuckerberg post getting ripped as well, because he's like muscles, black t-shirt, and his deal is to disrupt, to move fast and break things. Yeah, and he's like, we could do algorithms and make any shitty, backwards, second-rate country

into a world power again. And she's like, that's Britain, that's what we are. We're shit. We're shit. It is very funny though. It's so Liz Truss. Yeah. It's really funny that she does just immediately fall for this. Yeah, absolutely. It's 100% Liz Truss here. And so she's like, get this guy to Downing Street, where I will put the moves on him, right,

and we'll go through some bathrobes or whatever. And Britain's gonna be back on top. She says this to Amit Shah, who was playing a man who is very clearly supposed to be like a Rishi Sunak. Yeah. Like... It's wild. This is pre-COVID Sunak, 2018.

This was back when he was just like a fresh-faced piece-of-shit cunt motherfucker, like, before he, like, properly kicked off, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. when he was just like a fresh phrase piece of shit cunt motherfucker Like before he like properly kicked off, you know, yeah. Yeah when people were still the richest guy in parliament at that point Yeah, it's like the technocrat guy. Yeah, that clipboard kind of thing, you know, like being Liz Truss's sidekick Which is not how that works out as it turned out There is a really there is a really funny moment There's been another cyber attack and Pegasus says every flight in Europe has been rerouted to Luton. That is funny. The disgust in his voice for this has been rerouted to Luton.

The thing is, they do this joke again. There's another cyber attack and they do the line, every train in England has been rerouted to Bristol Temple Meads. I'm sorry, Bristol Temple Meads is not the Luden of train stations. Bristol Temple Meads is a nice station. It's a lovely station. It's a great station, folks. We've got some Bristolians in. The mayor of Bristol here tonight, by the way. But yeah, so she gets into Downing Street, right?

Meanwhile, English and Bath are in the south of France and they got to get on board this yacht So first they use the shoebox inflatable, which is a funny pair of words allegedly And they get like full like rubber inflated against the car. It's like sick. It's really sick shit Like it gets quite dark. It's like Johnny English inflation if you want to see It gets quite dark. Google Johnny English inflation if you want to see. Yeah, it's not like... This movie is rated PG, it's... Oh, no.

They use magnet boots to walk up the side of the yacht. Yeah, and those magnet boots are powerful enough to move all of the cutlery in the kitchen, which means, functionally, you're just giving everyone in the yacht like a free MRI killing the one henchman with a pacemaker just outright someone's having the billings pulled out like a fucking magneto magneto and the metal free prison and Johnny English comes by the fucking magnet boots this is this is like a half-funny joke, right?

Because they're going up the outside, and they're like, we've got the element of surprise on our sides, and you see inside, but it's like a kitchen, and they're watching a bunch of cutlery just go... up the wall. Kind of funny, I don't know. Yeah, this is kind of funny. They kind of do have the element of surprise for a second,

and then they're immediately captured by Olga Kurylenko. You may remember from women who were in Bond movies, like five years ago. Yes. Yeah, they do the same thing that they did with Rosamund Pike, and it's like, she was a Bond girl, and now you're a Johnny English girl. And it's like, oh.

What a downgrade. It's functionally a demotion, you know? Yeah. know yeah you're still you know within the kind of universe we've been moved it's like we moved parish you know like this she she survives the events of quantum of solace right believe so yeah in this case it would be very funny if this was the same character yeah I think so she's a Russian agent in this as well so yeah maybe he's playing Russian girl-o-vitch. Sister to Russian guy-o-vitch. From movie number two. No, Russian guy-o-vitch has changed her pronoun.

I can't keep up with this woke shit. Aw, good for her. I swear to God, you can't say anything these days. Men turning into women is just... I swear to God, you can't say anything these days. Men turning into women is just... I know, I know. All right. But so...

She locks them in a cupboard. Yeah. I will also say this, all right, not the first time I've said this about someone who's transitioned, better straight woman than I thought. Like genuinely, she out acts her on Atkinson in this because... Yeah, she's good. They escape. English plants the Sherbert Fountain transmitter thing,

like on the server rack. And then as she's sort of chasing them, he goes, I'll see you again, dives backwards over the edge of the boat, lands on a lower deck, and she lands a perfect, like,, oh that's sooner than I thought. Funny of a hand. It's a better joke.

Funny of a hand. She's got better comic timing than he does now, which is grim. All of your talents just turn to ashes. It's horrible. A grim portent of things to come. Come to kill James Bond in like 2060 in the kind of blasted remains of England. And you'll be like blasted remains of England. And you'll be like, I get that reference, you know? We old as fuck.

We get this weird line next because English and Boff are having lunch and they have this conversation about what they've been doing for the last eight years. And then Boff says, oh, were you teaching? And he says, if by teaching you mean scouting. I'm like You're looking particularly beautiful tonight

Yeah Like I say it makes the papers like five years after you leave the school and then you're like oh that guy Okay, yeah, make sense and then then this other exchange happens where boss says I got married Mmm, and there's a pause and I'm like are they gonna do it and they're really gonna do it cuz like Johnny English looks It's a buff Yeah, and he goes Yeah to a woman Oh, beard buff? It's all, I'm like, oh, come on, it would've been funnier if they were gay.

The scene is truly heartbreaking when you're as deep into the buff ex-Johnny English slash fix scene as I am. Literally one work on AO3. Two thousand words round about. It's actually, it's alright. Yeah, heteronormativity comes even for the buff, you know. Yeah, it's a shame, it's a shame really. All those nights they spent together, lonely in the tents on missions, all gone now. And he drops it like a clanger. Well, it's actually quite funny that he's like, yeah, my wife is a nuclear submarine

captain, meaning like she's at sea like, you know, six months out of every year. And it's hard not to read this, him being like, yeah, she's away for six months. Actually, Johnny, I never see her. It's so lonely being a bar. Also, Johnny English is like sexist again. Yeah, he is, yeah. He worked for a woman that was his boss in the last movie, and also worked with a woman

who fell in love with him, and he wasn't that sexist to either of them. He wasn't like, oh, are you getting the coffee or whatever? Whereas this one, he's like, oh, what does she do? Like fucking, I don't know, wear a lot of Laura Ashley dresses and has to be like that. He finds out that she's in the Navy and he's like, oh, is she like, you know, like a traveling secretary or like a chef or something? Not to defend the institution of the Royal Navy here. Far be it from me, a person who once stopped a whole podcast to mention that you don't lift the port

to defend the Royal Navy, but. I was sorry. Just, Jesus Christ, man. It's just like, it's so laser targeted at boomers here that it's just like, when did Johnny English become this? It was already grim to start with, but now it's just like Rowan Atkinson looks down the camera and says things he thinks or things that he thinks you're like dad will like. Fully, fully. I'm actually genuinely concerned

where they're gonna go in Johnny English 4. Ooh, I have some thoughts about this. We'll get on, well actually, we're about to get to the scene in this film. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, so we are because they have to have a chase scene now, right? And Olga Kurolenko is driving like an electric BMW. And this is the closest, yeah.

It's the closest we get to like self-deprecation here because Boff has forgotten to refuel the Aston Martin, which English has said is like surprisingly economical to run, funny, right? You love a joke about Aston Martin fuel economy, don't you? Yeah. Oh, I was hooting. That's relatable. Very relatable. So it's a lot like kind of lobster de-boning.

In very many ways, it's the lobster of cars. You don't have to de-bone lobsters. They don't have any bones. They're on the outside. Hey, when I have to de-bone my Aston Martin, I... This is a whole world of experience which is foreign to me, you know? Like... I just... No, I shouldn't tell that story, that's cruel. Um...

I was at a party with someone... Here we go. OK, hang on. They're a nice person. And I don't want to identify them. I was at a party with someone once who looked me dead in the eye and said, because I went to Oxford,

I can make myself like relatable and charming to anyone. And I went, yeah, bet. 100%. I don't doubt it. When do you start? It paints them in a really unfair light. But like... Who knows who that could be?

Mentally, there was a small lobe of my brain that was 3D printing in that moment. Regardless. But so, she's driving the electric car and and boss like car that electric car really seems like it's the way of the future doesn't it? It's a lot like the kind of cope segments of later top gear where they would do a thing about like you know the nine hundred thousand pound Lamborghini EV and Jeremy Clarkson would be like actually my career hasn't been worthless it's not all over because you can still drive the fast dickhead car and not kill the seals or whatever, and it's still going to be like the fastest car in the world. And like, it's just, it was Cope

then, it's Cope here, and so you just have Ben Miller being like, gosh, that's awfully grippy in the corners, isn't it? Maybe those electric cars are onto something. Meanwhile, the Aston is still cool, but just like, you know, running out of petrol. It's like, the awareness of age creeps in, but you know, terror management theory, you know? The one truly like, un-confrontable thing in the human mind is your own death. And so you kind of like, everything that you do is kind of done in order to distract yourself from that. Whether that's like, you know, drive the V8 Vantage or go to podcast live shows or host podcast live shows. What?

Someone should make a video essay about that. Oh. CHEERING It could be pretty OK, I reckon. Yeah, so, I like for cars of the future, but they're slightly solos. You know what's annoying? Cyclists, right?

And so... Right. They get blocked off by a peloton of French cyclists cycling in France in their own country minding their own business taking up a lane. Oh no. Well and what Johnny English does is he fires a rocket with a tear gas warhead at the peloton of cyclists. I'm not making this up I swear to God he tear gases a bunch of cyclists with a missile now Obviously we thinking oh, okay Well, this is a comedy movie and Johnny English is supposed to be like wrong and bad

So like they would obviously they're gonna do something with this They're gonna like they'd punish him by like having the tear gas go off inside the car or something like that But the thing is the movie genuinely believes that cyclists are gay and annoying Yeah, so they just like only most of them are does it like Well, I don't know like I found this seem to be genuinely concerning because they're aiming for like top gear the movie Yeah, Range Rover Mom trying to run over Just Stop Oil protesters, which is four years after this, like they've aimed for like Top Gear the movie. What they've hit is like incipient English fascism.

That's where Top Gear was going. That's the thing is you escalate on these things. You start with Johnny English one blowing up a speed camera. You sort of midpoint Johnny English three, like tear gassing some cyclists. This is like the early years of Mussolini shit. Like, swear down, like right now, Johnny English 4, they're filming him running over a just stop oil protest. Like, it's, motorist as an inherently reactionary caucus, right? And like an inherently English, it's his fucking name, nationalist like thing. caucus right and like an inherently English is in his fucking name Nationalists like thing the character who let me remind you that works for the British government here tear-gassing cyclists It's like hasn't committed any crime legally speaking by doing this either even if they're in someone else's country

Yeah, no, I mean in France sure, but fuck him. What are they gonna do? You know he's not he's not called Johnny France He's not called Jacques Francais So, you know get it up here. I would I would actually like to see I hope Johnny English for is the Johnny English OSS Son de set crossover. So do you think that would be quite funny? True, but I swear to heal the divide. Hmm. That's just sort of bad cop bon cop with spies Fuck I really want to see that. Can we can we like 3D print that up in the back? So there's another cyber attack, right? And Liz Truss is Liz Trussing about it. I like her drink order here, which is a vodka tonic, no

ice, no tonic. Well, she hears about the cyber attack when she's complaining about something else. And what is she complaining about to really? Ingrate this character of the Prime Minister Strikes she's complaining about the junior doctors striking. Oh those greedy fuckers those motherfuckers They're joining with like the train drivers or something like that like Junior doctors and train drivers we have in tonight anybody Yeah, that explains the Aston Martin I saw parked outside.

I thought it was a bit gauche to have it painted primarily in like solid gold. You know, but... Yeah, so to establish her as relatable, she's being harassed by strikes, which are really like inconveniencing her. Hugely. Which I think is kind of the point of one of those, maybe? being harassed by strikes, which are really inconveniencing her. Hugely. Which I think is kind of the point of one of those, maybe. Yeah, that's sort of what got her disrupts.

The strike that really enhances power's life, you know? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Jason Volta appears in Downing Street. He's like, hello. I will, because the cyber attack's going on right now, and there's all the traffic lights in London have turned red. And he said, I will fix these for you, but I just need to reroute all of London's traffic data

through my servers. We'll undo the plot of the Italian job. Yeah. And so she's like, yeah, sure, whatever you need. And he like hacks British security and does it with his phone. It's like, oh, yeah. So you know, it's very cool, right?

Yeah. And obviously evil, but Liz Truss is not aware of this, you know, because she's so harassed by events because of strikes or whatever. She's like horny, maybe? She's like potentially horny as shit right now. Yeah, yeah. She makes him all leave the room so she can be alone with this guy at the end of the scene. I don't know.

No, I'm not a fan of that. I don't know where the power dynamics are, but they're fucked. Like just don't do this. We go to another luxury hotel next, because Johnny English has arranged a date with Olga Kalenkin. And they have this like really quite charming scene at the bar together where he's like failing to be bondage. Yeah he fails every speech.

Yeah yeah it's quite cute she orders like a Moscow meal and he's like I'll have a London lemming with gin vodka, almonac, sherry and parmesan. Yeah and then he you fill to the top with like bovril. Except this is the thing about this because they don't ever really sell the Oaf bits. So, like, you get the set up to that joke, which is out of social pressure, he is ordered a horrible drink. The punchline of that joke is he drinks it and it's vile. But he just drinks it and it's like nothing. It's no reaction.

Wait, maybe wonder if it edited that out. It gets interrupted by another weaker joke, which it just kind of like trips over itself, you know? And he's like trying to charm her, but is charmed by her because she looks like Olga Kurilenko, right? There is this... The funniest bit of the film for me is when she then leaves and Boff comes down. Boff, by the way, who has had to push the Aston Martin the entire way to the host office fucking ripped Yeah, I was doing like ultra marathon shit

Cuz that's not a light car first of all he said to push it like uphill in the south of France in summer and then Go and do some spying like Jesus subs really do work harder like He's a power bottom. All right, we know this He's a power bottom, all right? We know this. The fucking power. But so, so, he's just searched her room, and he's like, what do you think of her? And Johnny English is like, oh, she's amazing, she's charming, and she's completely innocent.

Like, we shouldn't be spying on her. It's like, she's great. And he's like, I just found like five passports and like a gun, a 3D printer, like a list of targets. Missing Red Flags, like, seems like a completely ordinary video essayist You know totally normal. He like keeps making excuses for her, which I do think is quite charming It's like oh somebody else it's fine to have like three passports these days like well. Yes, of course She's got ammunition. She's a single woman traveling alone and like I'm around. I'm a fucking danger like she needs that shit

And we see that the FSB order her to kill him. Yes, immediately. And she concludes that like, because there's no information on him, oh, he's a like real professional, which is kind of true in this. Like he's just, he's too good at this. He was the king of England briefly.

Just again, I just. It's true. Like they keep records of this. You remember the most obvious joke in the movie? The like, these these pills are the ones that like give you like 24 hours of total energy These pills which are like visually indistinguishable like knock you out completely. We was having trouble sleeping You can write the rest of the scene yourselves. They're like 3d printer. Whatever I He takes the high-energy pills and he goes downstairs and just like hits the dance floor The official stance of this movie is MDMA fucking rocks and you should do something. Yeah, Johnny English gets off his fucking gourd on upper.

He genuinely just takes drugs and dances for like ten full minutes of movie. They're playing the weirdest music in this club. They're playing Sandstorm. They're playing Darude Sandstorm. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like, it's sort of European hotel disco. I kind of believe they would play shit. Mmm, reasonable, reasonable.

But so, he's, the other thing is, this is the Rowan Atkinson physical comedy our And so what they've done here is they've gone right Rowan We need you to act like you've just done MDMA. It's just peeking and you're like you have infinite energy You are filled with boundless love you're experiencing empathy for the first time You're grinding your teeth really hard And he's too old to do it. It's like, well, it's a lot like Biden, to be honest, where it's just like, this would have sucked if he had been able to do it, but it sucks in a different,

more pathetic way now you're not. Like, you've got to make way for like, Boff here, who I guess is your Kamala Harris, I guess. Because he's trying to do the really high-energy energy dance moves and it's just, it doesn't, it's an old man. We can't let Boff off the hook about Gaza. They really try to like pretend, but it's like, oh, it's a new guy now, you know?

I get a lot of messages. The thing is, right, you can get really into the memes and like be like, it's a hot Boff summer, but like ultimately, ultimately it it's a hot Boff summer, but ultimately... Ultimately, it's not a hot Boff summer if you consider the kind of geopolitics involved. He's got sway. Anyway... It's not unreasonable. Boff could cut off the supply of weapons at any time.

Any fucking time. And you know, much like Kamala Harris, Bof has a questionable record on trans rights. You don't want to know what Bof did to those prisoners. Funny. But so we get a series of attempts of Olga Korolenko trying to assassinate him and again she's a better straight woman. She's better at this than him? Yeah because she's getting like more and more frustrated. She's trying to shoot him. He's like jerking around dancing too hard And she tries to dance with him and he fully like Suplexes her yeah, he does suplex onto a hard dance floor and keeps dancing which is

Is some kind of a situation where you have to stop that person I think like even at the most tolerant rave in the world once you have fractured somebody's cervical spine, you need to go to the chill-out room with an escort at that point, you know? This hotel does not have a mosh pit. And even if it did, there's a limit. You could jump a bit. Very funny bit to be in like a five-star hotel

and like the Cap Dontee being like, open up this fucking pit. Open up this fucking pit. The Savoy so rarely opens up this fucking pit as well. Fortamon Mason. I'm just naming places I think would be funny. To have a mosh pit in it. Actually, Fortnum's, you could put a pretty good mosh pit in the downstairs pit of Fortnum's.

That would be quite funny. Yeah, do you remember when those anti-austerity protesters opened up the pit in Fortnum and Mason and then all went to prison for like 15 years off of it? They got some great truffles out of it though. Again, the Gulf, the Gulf. Right. If I'm on that street, I'm going directly to Waterstones. Like I'm moving past Fornum and Mason, don't give a shit.

Moving different, to a transphobic book chain. Moving strangely. Fornum's is the second most embarrassing place I've ever been recognized. I was in there buying some sugared almonds for my auntie for her birthday because they're her favorite. And I got recognized by a staff member. And I was just like, I just want to clarify, don't often come in here.

I'm here buying a present, right? The most embarrassing place I've ever been recognized. Just like, is this your loyalty card? Yeah. I want to know. The most embarrassing place I've ever been recognized was when I woke up after my orky. Fuck you. And I was talking to the nurse.

I didn't know they did that in Fortnum and Mason. You have to ask really nicely. They hang them for 30 days for flavor. I was talking to the nurse after my orky and I heard this voice from the bed curtain off area next to me. I'm just like, is that Abigail? I was like, oh shit. I had to get up and be like, fuck. She's like, hey, how's it going?

She like, she just got her pussy. She's like, she's like, I came out because of you, I just got my pussy. And I was like, no one will ever believe you that I was here. I feel so much sympathy because as much as that's a weird story for you, that's so much weirder for her Yeah, but you you get out of like pussy surgery you're on the good drugs and Then you hear the voice of your favorite youtuber being like what's up chat and you're like am I hallucinating this?

Yeah she might just have found out now if you're watching that was real. I was there. I guess this would be like if like the lockpicking lawyer happened to be there like my vasectomy or something. Oh, I I would hate to wake up from pussy surgery in here little click on one We'll move on in a second most embarrassing place no, no, it's fine Getting the lockpicking lawyer and to get the chastity cage off you before pussy surgery I'm clicking lawyer in to get the chastity cage off you before pussy surgery. I think he did do a chastity cage. Binding on two, little click on three.

I got the gamut. Worst place I ever got recognized was I was swimming and like the dude in the lane next to me knew who I was and I was like, and I had not swum in a while. I was not fast. You're drowning. Yeah. I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey. Best place ever I got recognized,

first date with my beautiful partner, Rebecca. Someone was like, oh my God, are you Devon? Like in the street. I was like, fuck yes, yes, yes, yes. Thanks for letting me borrow the Lamborghini. Thank you, I slipped him a fucking tenner on the way back. Thank you, boss man.

That happened to me on my first date with my partner as we were walking along towards the cafe and someone ran down the street after us. It was like, hell yeah. Okay, I'm getting in on this too. Worst place I've ever gotten recognized. I was wondering about taking photos, as is my want. And when I'm doing that, I'm so expecting someone to be like,

oh, you can't take photos here. Right. I was taking photos and a couple stopped me I'm so expecting someone to be like, oh, you can't take photos here, right? I was taking photos and a couple stopped me, leaving their apartment building, were like, hey, you know, Van Bakely. And I was so primed in that moment that I didn't even recognise my own name. I'm just like, what? Sorry, I'll move.

I was just fucking with the settings. I just got this, is it brand new? It's probably blurred, I don't know so and I scurried I'm just like scooting out I'm moving in a way previously only described by a biologist's field notes, right? Oh, I held it. Beautiful. You step in some wet cement and in like 10,000 years they're like, what the fuck were up with these people's feet? What's going on out there?

Race of crab, people! The best place I ever got recognized was this year, Glasgow Pride. When the Scottish Green Party asked them if any of their sponsors were complicit in the genocide in Gaza, they called the cops on the Scottish Greens. So there was a like anti-these-guys protest, like a radical block. I recognized like three or four times there. It was really chill. It was really nice I met lovely people and like it just I had like a real sense of community and I was really glad for it

You know, it's really good to go to protest. It is. Yeah, it's really good Get involved, you know, you can meet some of your favorite podcasters For them amazing You can meet some of your favorite podcasters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Fortnum and Mason. LAUGHTER Every year in the week before my auntie's birthday, that's when you'll find me there. LAUGHTER What happened to this function? I don't remember where we are.

Um... We're in the luxury hotel. He tried... Oh, he got high as shit. OK, yeah. They go back to London and he's still off his tits. We get our second Buff-X Machina where he's just like, oh, I figured out where the next location is, let's go home. It's back in London because Jason Volta owns the yacht,

and he's in Downing Street right now, we have to go back down. They're driving back and he's still high. He's still like high energy, so he's driving really fast. And you get a joke that says that that's cool. Again, I wasn't expecting this movie to be like, driving when you're on drugs? Sick. Like, on uppers, actually makes you a better driver. That's textual, that's in the movie.

At this point, they still have no evidence that Jason Volta is behind any of this. It's purely hunch-based. And so they say, well, okay, what if we break into his country home and Pegasus is like yeah cool just just fuck around and find out and my sevens all about that yeah and so they get P back in and P is like I have got you and then based on the days this must have been like one of the first VR headsets right we've got you like a gen one Oculus Rift. Did you forget Dianne O'The Day did this gag with the virtual reality glasses? I got it, didn't I? So basically he has to infiltrate Jason Volta's, politely, grand design's ass house.

Yeah. And they put him on the floor that kind of walks against you. But he doesn't activate it because he's a boomer he's like I know what I'm doing yeah he's like oh let me go get the health and safety form or something and he's like yeah that's so in gay all right bye and then he just like does it himself but like he doesn't activate the floor so he like goes out into the world like he's walking around the mansion and he thinks he's in the mansion VR but he's like walking around like outside in London and there's no funny bits at all

in this apart from... Well, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. Let's run through this in order. What does he fucking do? He attacks a guy in a baker shop with some baguettes. He does, while he's sneaking, fully walk on all fours across the street, which you know, Pride Month seems to come earlier every year no Johnny English at pride yeah it makes the community look

bad welcome yeah that's true he pushes like not weirdly I mean goes on a sightseeing bus and he attacks the tour guide. That is the only funny part. Well, because the actor who plays the tour guide is weirdly too into it, and so he just kind of moans a bit when he's getting beaten up. I couldn't relate to this, don't ask me how I got these. It's like, Johnny English comes up the stairs onto the top of the bus

and the tour guide is like giving his tour, and Johnny is walking towards him like karate stance, and you see this guy looking back, still giving his tour and Johnny is walking towards him, like karate stance, and you see this guy looking back, side to side, still giving the tour, and he's been like, am I, sir, are you, that's the funny bit, that reaction shot is the funniest part of this movie. Johnny English approaching you at walking pace. Yeah, exactly.

You will not do my ass. Like the monster from It Follows, but it's Rowan Atkinson. Oh, fuck that. Terrifying. But yeah, it's just this kind of unsettling sequence of him lightly hitting a succession of men, one of whom is going like, ugh.

I'm sorry, he does also like uncle chop an old lady in a wheelchair. He does, yeah. He pushes her into traffic. True. I don't know about that. She's fine. Yeah.

Yeah, she is then that should be fine. Perfectly makes his way back to the starting point, having like nominally completed the VR mission, like Raiden. And yeah, it's very funny, I assume. Then when he does it for real, Ophelia Olga Krilenko just immediately spots him. Oh, and she looks so good in this scene. She's got her hair back, she's got this black and orange dress. She looks great in everything. Yeah, but especially in this one.

She grabs him and holds him at gunpoint, and I'm just a little bit like, hmm, okay. I mean, my life's fine too, I guess. No, it's all right. She puts a gun to his head, and she's like, I work for the FSB. And he's like, oh great, let's work together. And I'm like, it's 2018, I don't think you should be doing that. Yes.

Yeah, that's going to be a sort of a friendship that gets severed very quickly in a couple of years, you know? Johnny English dying of radiation poisoning after a polonium-laced cup of tea. Yeah, well, I mean, like, spoiler alert, but they end up working together and Olga helps them save the day, but the Lip and Yanker poisoning was 2006. Johnny English, I don't think you should be working with Russian intelligence. Pushing Johnny English out of a window, like, bundling him into a hold-all.

I hate the physical comedy bits in this. I say as Rowan Atkinson is folded into a tiny hold-all. It's kind of funny. It's really funny and then suddenly stops being really funny. Then it kind of starts again. It's kind of funny for a little bit. Yeah, you know, it goes around, it comes back. But they overhear that the Volta is behind the cyber attack on the London Eye. Yeah, which makes it spin really fast.

Funny. Yeah, ha ha. Frankly, if you pay to go on the London Eye, Yeah, which makes it spin really fast. Funny. Yeah, haha. Frankly, if you pay to go on the London Eye, you deserve it. Yeah. I mean, that's a cyber attack that could affect upwards of tens of people. Yeah. Upwards of tens of the worst tourists you can imagine. Yeah, yeah.

I just can't imagine wanting to see more of London. Like, oh wow, that's London. Yeah, cool. Cool. You can see it from a slightly higher altitude and a slightly lower velocity. Shit. Dog shit. Shit landmark of pricks. Take it out of the skyline. 25 quid. Take it off the board. All the London branded shit that has the Ferris wheel in it. Fuck off.

Yeah. I guess we're calling it the London Eye, but think it's like trip advisor presents for London Eye officially at the moment Oh, yes, like I'm BA brand long shit also British intelligence bullshit When you consider the new labor left London with a big Ferris wheel and a tent you do have to imagine if there was some kind of conscious clowning going on there like Tony Blair the most secret alumnus of the Ecole Gaulier. Like the government has been infiltrated by clowns. Yeah, the damn clowns in parliament. How would you tell?

The damn clowns. All right, OK. Big top, thank you. I don't mind what I do. So they overhear that Jason Volulture is doing this cyber attack. Why did my little end of laugh noise get some of you? That was funny. All right, continue with the bit noise.

And then Olga has to take him fake prisoner. They did this bit in the last movie with Daniel Kaluuya. Until Daniel Kaluuya got killed, I guess. Yeah, what happened to Tucker? Dead. Dead. I hope he just resigned from MI7 and is just living his best life.

In protest. Yeah. I hope he's just having a good time. Good for him. Anyway, he says, I'm British intelligence. And Jason Volta says, two words that have no business being in the same sentence, which I thought was quite funny. Except we get some politics here,

because as Volta watches Bof get chased across the lawn by three XL bullies, which, in many ways, is deeply patriotic. He goes, What has happened to this country? How is it possible that less than a century ago the British Empire ruled a quarter of the globe? But now, you know, is represented by these oaths, right?

It's like, well, yeah, Britain is ridiculous. We have a big circus wheel in the middle of the Capitol, for a start. But to be ridiculous because we used to have an empire, the empire was also fucking ridiculous, for one thing. But also, we didn't become a joke because of health and safety, you know? It's just this clock scenario script this clucks in our script.

I really despise it, right? And it's also not something that like, Mark Zuckerberg would care about. Like this is deep radicalization Elon Musk shit, right? To be like, Britain used to be cool, but now it's woken soy, you know? And he only got to that point last week. Yeah.

Jason Volta's daughter follows me on threads, and I feel kind of weird about it. Have her on the podcast. Shout out, Vivian, if you want. I'll see you in LA. But yeah, I mean, this is just the ideology of the Craig Bonds, like, sort of with a gloss of comedy over it, too, right? It's like Britain as a nation in decline. Decline from what? Don't worry about it. Decline to what? Don't worry about it.

Decline to what? Don't worry about it. Why? Don't worry about it. It's weird. They believe that the empire was an achievement of cleverness, but no, it was an achievement in cruelty. Yeah, it was bad.

Can we just put that down on the record, by the way? It wasn't good that we had the empire. Yeah. We didn't get the empire by being super competent. Yeah, okay, we had some resource management and shit and technologies that people didn't have because like we funded it through slavery But mainly what we excelled out was dehumanizing our fellow human being It's good that we don't do that as much anymore though. We keep trying to bring it back for some reason I remember a sort of a comic attempt to explain this

It called black out of goes forth with some guy. Yeah, and it there's no one But yeah, so he he like English escapes escapes He right they want us to accept that Johnny English can disarm and knock out a heavy goon with his hands cuffed behind his back I won't do it. I won't do it. He can't do that He's not a good spy heavy goons can like you can't grapple them either and they can't move them onto a different tile so like he's He's basically fucked by on paper, you know, he doesn't have the move set for that Yeah This is a guy you should like trips to the kitchen and been covered in olive oil and then the goons can't catch him cuz he's

Slippery like that's how Johnny English escapes. He doesn't escape by actually bunching someone. Yeah, and he, like, knocks the olive oil over accidentally as well. Yeah. I'm going to do something very perilous here. Everyone be normal, right? It's too fucking hot. Right. You've got to be normal, and you need to not justiculate very hard.

I... Yep, hands by my sides. Wonderful. So, I hope we enjoyed the last sort of, the last hour and a half of motorist bits, because there's some more. Here comes some more. Here's a joke that was done so much better in The Naked Gun, but we're doing it here for some fucking reason. Yeah, he interrupts a driving test.

A driving test is gay? Yes. Learning to drive is for women. If you can't drive, yeah, it's stupid. If you're a man, you should already know how to drive. Like what are you doing learning how to drive? You know? Yeah, exactly.

You should be able to drive. Hanging out with another guy? In a car with dual controls? Just you and another guy alone in the car? Anything could happen. Same gear stick? Gay? Anything could happen. Anything could happen. GAY? Anything could happen.

Anything could happen. I gotta get some more driving lessons, I guess. Charge me with distracted driving. When I slap my hand down very hard. He uses the pedals, he uses the driving instructor pedals. To like, speed away. And then the driving student drives him all the driving instructor pedals to like speed away. And then the driving student drives him all the way to MI7 I guess.

Yeah, because she's got the wheel but he's only got the pedals. So she takes her glasses off and it just tells her when to turn the corners and it's just not really very good. He does do the same joke from the first one again where he grabs the wrong thing. He grabs her phone instead of his phone. Absolutely formulaic shit. Yeah so when he goes to Downing Street he's like I have the evidence to prove that Jason Bolter is fucking evil and it's this like cat video. But then we get the most interesting bit of this movie right which is the politics because interesting bit of this movie, right, which is the politics, because Emma Thompson is like, first of all, you're fired.

Right. Fair enough. She hits him with the obvious question, which is, what the fuck is wrong with you? Right. I do like that. It's really funny, finally in movie three, to have someone turn around to Johnny English and literally just go, what the hell is wrong with you? After you killed the queen.

What is medically the problem with Mr. Bond? Yeah. What the hell is wrong with you? After you killed the queen. What is medically the problem with Mr. Blank? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong? But she gets this little speech, part of which goes, Do you have any idea how hard it is to be me? Do you have even the foggiest notion of how virtually impossible it is to get anything done in the face of events and facts and voters and that tsunami of toss potsots we call the national press.

Because she wanted to do something good for her country. Oh, it's so hard to be Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. I mean, apparently. It seems like it is kind of tough, but... Yeah, I mean, it's not easy. That's the weird bit. Because she says, I wanted to do something good for the country

And that's why I've got Jason Vulture on board to do all the shit It's like I don't believe the Tory prime ministers or indeed Labour prime ministers sincerely want to do good things for the country I believe they tell themselves that but I think it's like sustained by its own fucking internal logic I think they do good things for themselves in the party and just brand it to themselves as doing good things for the country Yeah, absolutely But this movie wants you to be sympathetic to I guess Liz trust by way of Theresa May because it's it's it's tough It's tough out there because of events Everyone's yelling at her just because she crashed the economy and killed the Queen

Yes, and facts and you fucking idiots, the voters. The bloody voters. Your fault, you know? Like you're constantly putting the government under pressure to do stuff. This is 2018, by the way, and there's like a bit earlier where she asked like, has the leader of the opposition come around from his surgery, right?

And they go, yes. And she's like, damn it, can't I get anything? Kira Starmann. That was fucking Jeremy Corbyn, right? I know that was Jeremy Corbyn. And you cannot tell me that this is a universe in which the press was more arranged against Theresa May right now. I just wanted to do something nice in my country with a bunch of racist vans and the voters. I'm literally going to go get another drink. I can't fucking do it.

The press... You can make me talk about this, but you cannot make me do it sober. Yo, if the thing's done 3D printing, can you just shoot me in the back of the head when you come back out? Actually, you've got about ten more minutes, I think. The specific line is, has the leader of the opposition come round from his heart surgery? Yeah, and mine would say, that's Keir Starmer having his removed.

Ha ha ha ha ha. So. But anyway, now we have to get to the low point of the film. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She does list English as misdeeds, which in, and when she does this, she pronounces peloton woakly. A guided missile at a peloton of French cyclists. Peloton, as well as baguette.

Organic sourdough baguette. Organic sourdough baguette. Does not list killing the queen. No. Um, and then, well, she fires him. Yeah. And she goes, I wanted to do something nice for my country and the universe sent me you.

And I just get a really nice, like, angry Emma Thompson drop where she just says up the universe is off the volume on that way but again my life could be a lot better um and now again because it's formulaic we get the sad Johnny scene where he's like oh it's so bad he gets rained on again yeah this shitty car won't start It's all condensed though because last time that that scene was at least like, you know three minutes long this time Both just comes down because but no don't just skip the sad scene because we've only got like 95 minutes of runtime in this film

Yeah, we're only going for 89 minutes this time. So actually what if we just go my wife has a nuclear submarine done bish bash bar So my wife has a nuclear submarine. Done. Bish bash Boff. She's good. She's good, folks. And at this point we meet November's favorite character. It's true.

Who is the naval captain of the submarine. Boff's wife. Ooh. She's got kind of a Lady Sibyl Vimes thing going on if you know what I mean yeah no you're saying yes because you're imagining something else than what's in the movie like does she actually? Yeah I think so. Okay. Kind of stern, older, you know. I can see it. I think not to be messed with, aristocratic. I don't know to my mind Sybil is like big as well that's one of the main parts of it. Not physically necessarily although by

movie standards she's definitely definitely larger than like... She's larger than fucking Olga Kurolenko, who's like a size zero. That's fair. That's fair. But what you'll remember is that this is Bof's wife. Now, would you expect Bof to talk to her in any way? Like, be near her in the scene? Not when Johnny's around. Johnny wouldn't give him permission. Mmm.

Exactly! Like, this shit doesn't work if he's married to a wife like he's got to be fucking available for Johnny It's true. I I speak to my wife occasionally, you know like to think so Love you darling But so yeah, no, they don't speak at all, like fully. Like she's just kind of there. There's also a weird thematic bit where like the nuclear submarine is old and analogue and not gay. Surprise is not old.

She has a bluff brow, lovely lines. No one would call her old. She's in her prime. It's the same bit. Pass the fucking port. So you can't use mobile phones on the submarine because they're gay and soy and the submarine will become confused. It'll mess up the wiring in the submarine. Everybody note that down, otherwise you, like me me won't understand the climax of the film joining the submarine services the one place on earth

I can get away from Twitter So they drive the nuclear submarine to outside the g12 summit in Scotland, which I feel like would raise some fucking eyebrows You can't just go wherever you want. We get the captain of a nuclear submarine Like you've got patrol routes now. We get the captain of a nuclear submarine. You've got patrol routes. Now, we saw a little film called The Hunt. And they are the following. We saw a little film called The Hunt for Red October that begs to differ.

You got some driving time to work in before anyone notices. I hate to deflate this, but she says that she's been tasked to do security for the G12 Summit. What kind of security threat? I don't know. She's got a nuclear submarine. What are you going to do security for the G12 Summit. What kind of security threat? I don't know. She's got a nuclear submarine. Like, what are you going to do? Like, if something happens inside of the castle,

are you going to nuke it? He's like, all right, level it. Fuck it. I mean, they get pretty close, to be honest. Yeah, no, they do. They really do. So they have to infiltrate this castle, right? Because this castle is in Scotland. And incidentally, the way have to infiltrate this castle, right? Because this castle's in Scotland.

And incidentally, the way they shoot Scotland in this feels... problematic. Xenophobic. But they shoot it like fucking Mordor. Yeah? Yeah. And Scotland only looks like that 11 months out of the year. So it's really unfair. Shaun Ewing was like,

It is a barren wasteland filled with ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Yeah, I was like, the tenant's brewing. He has an exoskeleton powered by a floppy disk. Update your technology charts. Floppy disk's not gay. Yep. No.

Floppy disk not gay. Yep. No. Floppy disks straight. Yep. Huge, huge fans of floppy disks out there. Good evening. So Jason Volta is at this very moment figuring out that Olga is FSB and is attempting to poison him. And he goes, one second, my 3D prints just finished. And so he reveals that he has been doing Mithriditism, he has been taking like small doses of the

poison she is about to poison him with. Nice, this is smart. So that he's immune to it, which, okay sure. And then she has a gun and he's like, I've been taking small doses of gun. A small sip of gun every day. Only a graphic gun. The Harry DuBois diet. I know, he's taken the firing pin out of her gun

and also he has in fact 3D printed a plastic gun. He has. It's a Glock nine, it's a porcelain gun from Austria, it doesn't show up in your airports. It's fully transparent wireframe. I love Saints Row 3. This fucking sucks, dude. So, English enters the room.

And his line is, save the pillow talk for your prison cell. Okay. Don't like that. Not a fan of this. And yeah. The exoskeleton is like really strong. Okay, it's very strong. And he actually gets like a fucking suspender

caught on the window frame or something, right? And he's walking forward and it's stretching the suspender out. Snag hazards, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's like a thing you can have been Australian for. That's not a hazard, baby. He gets wily coyotied out of a window.

Yes, into a freezing cold Scottish lock. Yeah, where he presumably should have drowned, but sadly the movie continues. Yes, and they go, okay, well, we've got to do this scene again. You've got to infiltrate the thing again. That last scene. That was a practice infiltration. Yeah, yeah. Just reset to your last checkpoint. So then, this being Scotland, they go in disguised as PIPers.

And the G12 summit is happening and we get a shot of like the G12 world leaders, but they're not like the real ones. They're like, it's not, it's not really Theresa May. Okay. No, it's not really Theresa May, but it's a Prime Minister in the Theresa May vein. And what I've noted is the guy they get to play Schmonald Trump is way better looking than real Trump. He looks insanely hot. The guy they get to play Trump in this, he's a really wide tan guy with like the blonde quiff and the red tie they get hot Trump Trump top Trump I am didn't need to put those words together and that also there is a point of divergence here because the g12 of the Johnny English universe includes

Pakistan and South Africa so you know reconfigure your CIA world fact books you know but so they infiltrate as pipers and English gets chased and he has to hide in a suit of armor it's kind of like a semi funny joke that he's playing the bagpipes badly but no one can tell because they they sound or whatever. It comes across as very like chauvinist. Yeah, yeah. Because it is. It's unkind to do this to Scotland, I feel. It's not high up the list of cultural insensitivity, but it's on there, you know? It counts. It counts. It counts.

So meanwhile, Volta is getting the Prime Minister to sign over all of the government's data to him, so that he can... He has this little speech about the problems that there are, of which he has long lines in airports. That's the first one he says in 2018, what's the number one problem in Britain? Fucking cute Heath, right? Cute Heath, right, yeah. And if you...

Well, Brexit had just happened, so I guess that was like a topical thing. Sure. But he says like failing schools, crumbling hospitals and long lines in airports can fix all of those if you just give me all of your data. Sure. And she does. And he immediately goes, yeah, fucking got you. All the rest of you also, because, and this is the biggest cinema sin in the movie,

it's the thing that I think made me angriest as well, is, so he threatens her, and the way that he threatens her is he tells her what he's gonna do, like so. If I turn the internet off, cities will go dark, planes will fall out of the sky. Trains will collide. Law and order will break down and the world as you know it will be open. Show, don't tell, right? You may have heard of show don't tell. It's a little like screenwriting maxim, right? It's something that like in a well-written thing, your characters shouldn't use unnecessary exposition, like I'm doing now.

Um, exposition means explaining something that the audience doesn't know. Um, instead, you just, you show them doing the thing, and you trust that the audience is smart enough to piece it together, right? Yeah, but they're watching Johnny English 3, so, like, let's give them a... Sure, sure, sure, sure. Come on. If you ever went to Johnny English 2, right, where the racist bit happens and and they write themselves in more specific The bit the bit where Johnny English calls Daniel Caloos character boy, right? Yep, and then in the next line goes I meant that in a not racist way, right?

That was a situation of writing yourself into a corner not realizing you have a backspace But I'm trying to write your way out This one is like I'm gonna write my way into this corner of telling and not showing, and then I'm going to include the advice to show, not tell, rather than, like, I've remembered this, but I have no backspace function. I can't rewrite the scene to just show. I have to have the tell and then show, don't tell. I hate it so much.

It insults my intelligence and yours. It's just it's so unprofessional and it really fucking bothers me Do you think they just had like a writer go through and check things and that was just a note he left but they actually thought it was like He just read that out loud. Yeah, yeah Anything you put on screen burgundy will read So he turns off all the power and internet to Europe. Yes. Everyone is greatly relieved I'm sure. Thank God for that. And he's like unless all the countries of the

world sign over all your data I will turn off all the power and internet everywhere. I gotta be honest I don't think Trump would do this. I don't think he would either. I don't think he takes that deal I think he's too dumb like I think he would just fully like be the the he takes that deal. I think he's too dumb. Like, I think he would just fully, like, be the holdout there, you know? But so, it doesn't matter, because he's working his way through them. And English wearing the suit of armor. Not only English has a suit of armor, but he's gotten caught in it because he fell over doing one of the only funny jokes they've got, which is when he falls over.

Now I go... Um, but he's, like, gotten stuck in it now. Like, the buckle isn't loosening, and he is, like... He hits it with a bit of oil. He hits it with a lot of oil, actually. Yeah, he lubes the fuck out of it. He really lubricates that thing. They get a real close-up on his face,

and he's, like, running his tongue across his teeth as he does it as well. It's, like, very bizarre. You know how they say, like, use more than you think you're going to need? Yeah. This is probably too much. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. It still won't open. And so he enters the situation, right? He enters the room where this blackmail is happening. He's like a Vastji or whatever the fuck you say when you're wearing a suit of armor. Yeah, what's up? It's me, Johnny English.

I'm here to do the Daniemon of Johnny English 3. Never a fan of the Lego castle theme, so I don't know what knights say. Have at you, I suppose. Trips, falls, slides perfectly out of the room. Thanks. Slides because of the oil. There's a little oil dropping. Because of the lube oil. Shooom out of the sea. It then makes a phone call, because he's standing near the submarine.

The phone call accidentally submarines the submarine, missile submarine. Well, he's on... He calls up the secret services which as we know are run by Toshiba. So immediately they're like, oh for MI6... Oh, they forgot that joke. It's not anymore. Like, they just... This is just like, yeah, they're like, oh, for MI6 press one, for MI7 press three, or whatever, and he presses three, and like in the nuclear submarine you see like the launch code open up, and the first one is three, and you go like, oh, it's not how any of that

works, it's not how that works, it's not how that works. He just acts, he puts in the launch code by answering the questions on the thingy. Causing the submarine to launch a nuclear missile. They do have to double check. Yeah, they have to check. And because they put the phones next to each other, when English says he needs to order an attack,

they hear attack and they order the thing, right? It's textually, I don't imagine it's a nuclear missile, it's just a ballistic missile, right? But like, fine. It would be much funnier if we could just assume it was a nuclear missile. It's Newt Scotland. Yeah, yeah, for sure. They're gone.

I have to do these things, I have to say these things. I'm so sorry. I, it's the port thing again, right? Because when, I just, do these things, I have to say these things, I'm so sorry. It's the port thing again, right? Because when... I really appreciate... you guys supporting me, you know, it means a lot because... I didn't say I was supporting you. Fuck off, back to Fortnum & Mason then. It's just...

I think I'm starboarding you, actually. Thank you. Thank you for the one person. It's obsessive and it's compulsive, right. If you don't lift the... When she gets the fire order, she says... General quarters, we are go for launch. And general quarters isn't Americanism.

You say action stations. I'm sorry I'm like this. But if you... It takes you two seconds to find... About England. If you know how to use the computer and do research for the screenwriting that you're doing right then, it's very... Also, action stations is a cooler line. Yes, it literally is.

It doesn't matter, right? It's purely like a cinema-sins thing. It's such a reductive thing to care about. But for some reason I do, and it's the thing that lodges in my brain about this movie nothing else will I I don't know why I'm like this thank you for listening to my comedy podcast we need to have outlets for these things you know so because he's planted the sherbert fountain on the server, it's like designated as like an enemy target. So the missile goes whoop and then comes down and fucking obliterates the dot com and everyone's like...

That's where all the data was being dated. Oh shit, that's where they were rerouting the fucking... You can't data any of the data anymore. Fuck, the plan is foiled. The dot com goes out like James Bond. Getting killed by the Royal Navy. That ship was just about to get married too. Found out I had a kid. So Volt is like, ah fuck I'm owned. Immediately tries to flee the scene, which he doesn't need to do.

He has like 12 world leaders held hostage. Yeah, that's a position of strength. Oh, I can't do the data thing anymore, I better go. Me, when I like lose one hand of Blackjack and I'm sitting on this huge pile of chips, I just toss them all, run, you know? He also has a gun. Yeah.

I feel like that gives you some leverage. Yeah, quite a bit, I would say. Yeah, you've taken, I'm like that gives you some leverage. Yeah quite a bit. I would say yeah, I'm counting on it If the 3d Brent ever yeah, put it on the table in the middle of a meeting Yeah, let just let them know you have a gun. Yeah changes the tenor of the conversation ever so slightly What if they then go? Thank you very much Well, I changed of a tenor of the meeting once again. Unfortunately I've got my second gun. Yeah.

And now the conversation's back on level footing. Always bring one more gun than you think you need, just in case. It's a lot like lube and that. Yeah, yeah. I prefer a silicone-based gun. Are you wearing protection? Very slippery gun. Very buttery gun. Sorry, babe. The Kevlar vest stays on during sex.

I mean, can it though? So Johnny English goes after him in a suit of armour. Yeah, the joke is that he has to move really slow because of the armour. That shit's light. Yeah, that's your cinema scene's ding there. You can see guys doing the Macarena on YouTube. You can do star jumps in a fucking suit of armour. You have to be able to.

It wouldn't work if you couldn't move in it Mmm, the Middle Ages a bunch of guys like Against each other the whole fucking time be a little funny Anyway Olga hands Johnny English an iPad and says oh use this to hack Volta's computer They said helicopter and both is like ha look you can't work an iPad. Number of hours in and you're still getting tutorials. It's like I was made by fucking Rockstar. But it's like, oh, you can't use an iPad granddad.

And then he just like throws it at him and knocks him out. And I'm like, oh God. My notes here say, God, the insecurity. Because Johnny English smashes Volta's phone with a sword and it's like low tech versus high tech. Yeah, but when he does, he like sort of ambles up to the phone. The phone which has like a Siri on it, like a kind of AI voice activated thing, is going like all the data has been like reconfoculated to the Nevada server or whatever. We haven't mentioned this because it's not funny at any point, but like the whole way through he's going like,

what's my plan against Ciri? And it just tells you what his like super objective is. It'd be funny if he had programmed it to be like too into him or whatever. But anyway, it's lying on the floor and it's like, do you want me to activate the cyber attack? And before he stabs the phone with his sword down black mirror, he says the phrase activate this Which seems like the thing that you shouldn't say yeah in response to the question Do you want me to activate the cyber attack and that's a better joke than they put in the movie?

Yeah, Johnny English stab phone with sword he do he do stab phone gay phone defeated phone bad, it's super sick, but his like Epic like lion is to a phone Not to like the villain or anything he's just like looks like I took you off line And he's talking about like a shot of glass on the floor Yeah, the villain has just been hit in the back of the head with a piece of like, you know That was pretty funny though that good physical act got perfect. You know, it's really good so

The Prime Minister then says in front of world leaders like other Dave's Dave's been saved Thanks to Johnny English who is a living embodiment of fundamental British values. That's right, kindness is not one of the British values. Well, here we get a rundown of what those are, right? So the fundamental British values are courage under fire, there's... And quiet dignity. And I think that if those are the three fundamental British values, then every single fucking trans person in these islands deserves a goddamn knighthood. You're so right. And the thing is, the quiet dignity thing is the only one of those that's really a laugh line, right?

Because his armour fall down and expose his penis. Everybody gets to see, like, Johnny, his dick and balls. Which have been jelked really long, thanks to the... Thanks to the events of Johnny English 2, which we all remember. You just see a bunch of paparazzi take photos and then pan down. Changing lens to put a wider lens on. Crash zoom out. Just like swap into a shorter lens.

Just like, oh hang on. What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Badly jelked former king. Once again. again saves country. Yeah, the continuity is real weird with Johnny English in that one. Well, he's the same guy in all three movies. He was. Okay.

And the day is saved thanks to Czechsnotes Russian intelligence. Yep, you got it. Don't worry about it. You got to hand it to him. And Britain is a fundamentally decent and patriotic nation that is also a bit silly, which is not really a crime. Nothing bad, we've never done anything bad, we've just been a bit of a joke, which lets us off the hook a bit, I think.

You know Doesn't get a knighthood back. No, he just go back to being it He goes back to his old school and all young people respect you now because you smash phone with sword. It's true And the young people, you know, they're letting all that forgetting all about the gender shit now because they're not woken gay and soy They're not digging man traps in the woods. That is a first-class mantra So we end and everyone claps Well, we we have to end the movie not with that bit of wishful film and both another bit of kind of like cringe No, don't humor which is the final shot is the headmaster of the school about to take a bite out of one of the jelly babies

which suggests that a few seconds after this film ends, what is happening is those children are seeing a man get the top of his head blown off, changing the nature of their bond forever. That shit's like the boys. Yeah. So like, I mean, granted, this would be like the fifth most traumatic thing to have happened at my school, but like...

They'll take that shit in stride. Even so, that's a lot to be showered with the like brain matter of your headmaster, you know? No, they're all hardened killers at this point. Johnny's trained them well, they're fucking vicious. One of them tries to garrote one of your other kids, don't you? They're all hardened killers at this point. Johnny's trained them well, they're fucking vicious. One of them tries to garrote one of the other kids, actually. Sorry.

But that's the movie, that's how it ends. It's the fucking movie, that's it, we're done. No credits scene, they're out. They literally are just like, check these, I'm out of here, fuck this. Yep. Well, until next time, until Johnny English 4. Johnny English.

Well yeah, because he imagined a new car he wants, so he's back, and of course, as we theorize, bond is weak now. There's no bond. Something has to fill that gap. It's like Colin Godzilla. Exactly. Johnny English is resting at the bottom of the ocean after this for a couple of centuries.

I really thought that English minus one was kind of... It was overhyped, I thought. It was revisionist, you know, and pretty right-wing as well. Much like this movie. Shin Johnny English, however. Now that was a pretty fucking good one. And then did the American Johnny English with Matthew Broderick?

Oh my god. See, the end of English minus one, you see the Englishness spreading up the veins. I hate when this happens to me. So what did we make of this movie? And I guess all three movies, because we can kind of wrap it up with a bow here. What did we make of the experience of watching all

three extant Johnny English films? I didn't have a good time. No. No, me either. That's like three days I've woken up and watched a Johnny English movie first thing in the morning. And that has not made me mentally healthy. It's a difficult morning watch, you know?

I think it's made me quite upset. Because the actual Bond films, they only say things about England like obliquely, right? Yes, he's British, and yes, we get some luxury British brands that your dad can buy. But for the most part, they stay away from trying to actually say something about the values of the nation explicitly. Yeah. Well, in the first one... This tries to, and the shit they come up with is just depressing. Yeah.

In the first one, he's willing to be like, this is the country I love, but that kind of line just doesn't come back in either of the next two. Yeah. And to see the conservative prime minister talking about fundamental British values and like All I see all I see in in my head is fucking protesters getting their head kicked in I'm just like I don't know. I'm just feel excluded from nationalism now at this stage. Hmm Blame sorry, it's not a very funny thing to say on the comedy point. I mean, don't worry We know what it says about Englishness, then what does it say about masculinity?

It's cool. It mostly says shit about boomer masculinity, right? Primarily goes like, everything is soy and gay now, and you're right for thinking that. And therefore, you should attack cyclists with your car. Yeah. No repercussions for that at all. Wish fulfillment, right?

Like I do all this cool boomer shit that no one knows how to do anymore. I'm the only one who can still do it and they still need me. People still need me. I'm still relevant, you know? Young people will respect me. I smash a phone with a sword.

This is a rough sort of really like lack of introspection movie to make in the twilight of your career you know. Like having made all the Mr Bean shit that everybody in the world loves and is going to give you infinite money for to be like I've still got it I've still got it this is a movie about how I Rowan Atkinson have still fucking got it is Pathetic it's really insecure. Yeah, it's it's The the chaplain disease thing again, right like Woody Allen, you know, it's like it's therapeutic The fucking sucks don't watch these it's sad to watch I mean money you could have just lived off fucking royalties from reruns of black out of the rest of your life

Yeah, like you can be remembered fondly, you know, if you try and keep up with anything current instead of being like, actually, I'm just going to insult the way things are now because they inconvenienced me as sort of like multi-millionaire personally. These films seem better, increasingly so as the trilogy goes on. Getting worse. Like you can really track the health of the English and the health of the Johnny English are one. Like it's... The English have 60 million and one bodies.

And it really like you can track the kind of descent into madness, you know? Like what's the onset time of variant Creutzfeld-Jakob disease again? Like... At least three movies. But we don't have to speculate about these things, because we have a 3D printed... Because we have a science-based system. You know, as a trans woman I can come out onto any stage in this country and get that reaction. So much better from you guys.

I just said the phrase funny every time by the way. I just heard someone say that. I know we do it a lot. It's called the Scum System. It stands for SMARM, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. How SMARMY, we're gonna break the fucking wheel. How SMARMY is Johnny English Strikes Again?

I hate this fucking movie so much. Just earnestly. It's the most SMARMY, hands down. Hands fucking down I know we gave the first one seven which means we got to get into the fucking punitive zone Why the second one's seven too? I mean I think this might be the smarmiest film I've ever watched Yeah, it's very bad like nine. I'll do nine. Yeah, no hesitation Just let it bark nine

Cultural insensitivity Um, I mean well they've once again gone back to forgetting that people of color exist. Yeah. They're allowed to work in Downing Street. Not at the top! That's true. But they're there. The has-two-lines-never-named-kind-of-money-penny character is a black woman.

Yeah. She gets to say Bristol Temple Meads in a funny voice. Which, to be fair, she sells the fuck out of. But like... If you've got two lines in a movie, you fucking hit those lines, all right? Yeah, yeah, no question. All right.

Yeah, it's fine. I don't know. It's back to a mission. And to go back really marries up with the smile. And I think that makes it more racist. Also, Scotland does have sunlight now because of climate change. Yeah.

Like making fun of the Scots is something that early Bonds did, is like Scotland as mortal. Yeah, but's like making fun of the Scots is something that like early Bonds did, it's like Scotland as model. Yeah, the same thing as like, oh, the French or oh, the Swiss, you know, it's just like, it's like sort of very visibly going down a list of like, what can I do that won't be racist, but will like appeal to the students, you know? Four? I'll do four.

I'll comfortably do four. What kind of whites are we allowed to hate? Let's go on down the list now. Looking at the R. Scott's white dial and be like, ah. It hasn't moved in a few hundred years, but I reckon we could probably, you know. Humza Youssef single-handedly responsible for shoving that dial. Unprovoked violence. I feel like this one's going to be quite high.

He does attack some cyclists. Civilians civilians mind you Yeah, I want to fucking punish him for the cyclist because the movie doesn't and it's stupid and bad gets Lightly disciplined for it, you know like you get yelled at one time by Emma Watson Part of a series of things she's upset about and one of those it's like annoying me and then like down the list is you Shut up missile at a bunch of French cyclists. It's like you can be inside the room when there's a chief constable getting

yelled at you know. Yeah no I just it's higher than he doesn't kill anybody. I don't think he does. Unless you can't. Is an iPad in the back of the neck fatal? He what? He does burn a restaurant down. That is by accident. Unless you can't is an iPad in the back of the neck fatal you are He does burn a restaurant down that is by accident no Who's the monger says not accidentally burned a restaurant? Come on the fort of a Mason's food court never the same. I'm not allowed back order those almonds online and For five I'll do four. I think. I want to give it a five. You did it. You tapped. There were a lot of cyclists. Five. You know what? Five. Five.

Fuck them. Peloton of French cyclists. This is scientific. Misogyny. I mean, Olga Korolyenko gets to be good at being a spy, but in the kind of like, and she's hot and she kicks ass kind of way. She doesn't fall in love with Johnny English? True. He doesn't get the girl. Thank God. No he doesn't. He gets the more important thing for an old man which is respect from the youth.

From children. Yeah. Yeah the real romance arc is him and a class full of children. Well they did call him Johnny English. Which one's the fucking rabbit, Dindrup? The what? The fucking rabbit, right, you're looking particularly beautiful tonight. Oh, it's, oh fuck, beautiful tonight.

You're looking particularly beautiful tonight. You're looking particularly beautiful tonight. They're all raising little martini glasses at him. Not shit! It is. For real though. Also, sorry, one second. Yeah, just a... Ah, the heckler.

This is becoming very Geralt to me. So, ugh, heckler. I guess, well, it does show us that women can command nuclear submarines and nations. It doesn't do what they did to M in the second one, where it's just like, she's a woman, she has children. It seems like we've accepted that women can be in charge of things now, and they're not a principal cause

of things being soywoke and gay. It's true. In that case, I don't know. It's improved slightly. Like a two or three? Three? I think it's a three. I listen to women. In that case, That gives us a total score of 21,

which puts it pretty much in the middle of the other two. First night was 20, this is 24, and right now I'm 21. So that's fine. That tracks. That tracks. Second one's the worst one. We've got zero racist noise drops for this one. And we had fucking.

Yeah, literally. That's a good point. We had two for the second and three for the first. So like. Yeah. I lunged in for the racist noises, and now I realized I don't want to do that. You know the noises. Oh, you really do have like...

Yeah, do you want to hear one? Be my guest. I'm good actually, I think I'm fine. Any of these, like this one right here is particularly like rancid. That's very rancid, I'm not going to click that one. I might just do this instead. Careful, Whitey! Huh!

How does this compare to Bond? Let me have a look. To James Bond? Will Jomney English do what James Bond did? It's... Oh, I really hate myself for Jomney English. It's like a bad... Everyone's an Englishman and you're an Englishman too. It's the same as No Time to Die, which I think kind of tracks.

It is kind of the same film as No Time to Die as well. License to Kill, it's like a bad Brosnan, it's like Die Another Day level Brosnan. Yeah, that figures, that tracks. So yeah, really just confirming our theory that this is just more Bond. It's like the Bond comedy annex. You know? It's like the Bond fri-

It's like James Bond's show at the Fringe, you know? Yeah. James Bond's many times canceled one man show at the Fringe called, like, Sorry to Offend You, or whatever. Like. But so, we also do have some awards to give out, possibly. Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I'm trying to figure out if there was any goon.

We give out a Kronstein rosette for a henchman who goes above and beyond. And we give a good night cross for like... There aren't even that many henchmen in this. There's no notable goons. There's hardly any gooning of any kind. It's a damn well goon-less movie. None of the goons have any kind. It's a damn well goon-less movie. None of the goons have any kind of source whatsoever.

They've not got any named, like, Mr. It's just sort of... Needed a henchman, you know? Really needed a Mr. Something, Mr. Surname. None of the allies go above and beyond either because every single person is phoning it in in this movie. Yeah, it just never existed. The Mr. Surname is up in heaven being like,

I wish he hadn't written me out of the script. You know? So, in that case... No awards, nothing? No awards, nothing. The honor system is corrupt anyway. The thousands of like, aborted Mr. Surnames in heaven are looking down at you. I could have been in your movie.

I'm sorry, I couldn't say okay boss Could be checking your perimeter right now, Anand. This is a real like 94th minute. We're done, we're done. Is there anything else? Any other business? No, no. Well, there is some other business, right, which is that the bar is open for another half hour. That's a good business. We will be outside. We will have merch to sell, you can buy this poster, again, risky point, you can buy this poster, you can buy little pins of the Cronstein Rosette and the Good Night Cross,

we will be selling them, we will be autographing stuff, we will like hang out, we will sign pretty much whatever, we signed someone's medication the other day, someone's disability card. Did you hear that? Yeah. Did anyone else hear how I, we will suck, just then? Okay. I made eye contact with a couple of people in the audience that had like a raised eyebrow. Trying to do a whole thing with it,

it takes a lot of bed in, you know? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So if you started signing your name as like Cornwall, like cold, like started tonight, it would take it a while, right? It would take a minute or two. Yeah. I forget that Devon is a place sometimes, I'm just like cold, like started tonight. Yeah. It would take it a while, right? It would take a minute or two. Yeah. I forget that Devon is a place sometimes.

I'm just like, that's my friend. Sometimes they mention Devon on the news. I'm like, oh no. Oh, it's fine. Devon is a place on Earth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Who knew? But yeah, so we will be hanging out. You can circulate. You can come say hi. Who knew? But yeah, so we will be hanging out. You can circulate. You can come say hi. And probably since this is the third night, some of us may be around the nearest pub,

I don't know, around the corner. So yeah, just come and hang out. And thank you so much for coming out. Thank you so much for watching on the livestream. It makes it incredible to do this. You guys are the best audience and the best fans And I appreciate it so much and like I said this last night like in in times that suck as much as these do It's it's a real tonic. You know like I hope we can kind of give you back the the kind of good feeling you give us

You know good feeling you give up, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Could be sincere. Let's be sincere for a minute. Yeah. Do you have anything? I mean, I just to steal it from you again, just for a little bit. It's like I got asked to give a corporate talk, right, about what it's like to be trans in Britain in 2024.

And there's a... She brought a bag lunch to the talk, that's clever. This is my first time, I didn't think I was like palace of also like corporate clients, but one of them asked me. And as a comedian, there's an obvious joke that you write in your head, right, which is two slides. First slide, what's it like to be trans in the United Kingdom in 2024? Next slide, 700 point font shit, right?

3D printing a gun right now. But it's not true, right? Like, the actual thing I would say there is what's it like to be trans in the United Kingdom in 2024? It fucking rules, right? Like, it does. And despite every attempt to make it suck every single one of them No weapon formed against us can prosper right because the baseline experience of being trans is so good That it just kind of it water off a duck's back You know and all of this shit is gonna like pass away in time, and we're still gonna fucking be here

That line gets less applause in like a corporate office. Weirdly, it got a lot when you did it at MI6. Well those are some real fans, you know, and thank you to you guys, you know, like, you really like do the most. Watching the live stream now and always. You know and thank you to you guys, you know, like do you really like do the most watching the last? No, it is it is very like very Heartening especially like the number of people who came up to us the last couple of nights is with sunny stuff and gone Like I came out because of your podcast and I'm just like oh hell. Yeah, we are recruiting We're building I can't guarantee I will be there when all of you get your pussy

In spirit, yeah, yeah, it's spirit. Yeah He'll expect a political statement on me cuz I made one on the first night of a Charlie's Angels live streams But like fortunately, there's no look that's going on right now that really requires comment I wouldn't think. So I'd like to give my time up for an impassioned plea to get involved in direct action and organizing. Okay? You know what? You know what you should do?

3D print a ballot box. And then vote. Get involved in non-electoral politics. 3D print a big placard with a protest sign. We deserve better than this. We deserve better than every four years getting to pick who has the vaguely best ideas, okay? We want people who are willing to say something like transgender people have always been part of society,

that there is no Great Britain without trans people. There never has been, there never fucking will be. We will always be there. And if I can go further even than that, we need people who are willing to say out loud that not only is immigration a natural good, a natural consequence of human civilisation, a completely ordinary and standard thing. Not only is it just that, but it is an active good that makes this country better. It makes it a more enjoyable place to live. Damn right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And there is nobody working in electoral politics right now that is interested in advancing that statement. Nobody at fucking tall, not the leader of the opposition, not any of the other motherfuckers, none of the Greens are even happy to go and say, no, immigration, not only is it normal, it's good, it's actively good, it's something that should be encouraged, and... good, it's something that should be encouraged, and people are willing to say this, normal people are willing to say this, people, I'm not gonna call myself normal, but normal people are willing to say this, and where are they? They're in

unions right now, they're in tenants unions like Acorn, they're in workplace unions, you know, like IRMT or whatever. Get involved. We need you. We need your time, not just your money. Don't donate money. We've got enough. It's fine. What we need is genuine human effort from every one of you.

A better future is possible. It's right there. Join me. I... And while I'm here, Falastin Hura! That's all I had. Nice. I think it was moderate. I think it was centrist.

Responsible, yeah. Beautiful. Okay, I tried to hit a balance. I remember some old man a while back saying something along the lines of, like, we are many, they are few. Yeah, rise like lions, I believe, was the phrase. An inconquerable number, which is a weird note to end a podcast about Johnny English Strikes Again.

I guess all I've got to say then is, to thine own self be true. That being the case, it only remains for me to say, we have been killed Kill James Bond. Goodbye English! Goodbye internet! Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out for your support today, last night, the night before, and always.

We hope to continue to receive it in future. It's a pleasure, it's a delight, it's an honor. We have been Kill James Bond. Good night! I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better