Upstream - S3E5: The Great Spy Chase

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

When an eccentric European aristocrat dies, his wife stands to inherit his collection of weapons patents. All the great powers of the world send their finest James Bond to attempt to claim them. How could this be anything other than great? This one is a hugely enjoyable movie thats inexplicably horribly racist right in the middle. Like a wonderful lindt chocolate liqueur filled with piss.  ------ URGENT APPEAL FOR AID FOR PALESTINE SAG-AFTRA are still on strike and their donation links can be found in the description of the previous episode. However, right now there's only one link to provide. https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate What needs to happen in occupied Palestine cannot be accomplished with donations alone. The UN and entire international community must step in and hold Israel accountable for its ongoing genocide and relentless war crimes against the Palestinian people. Join a solidarity protest as soon as you can ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Alice Caldwell-Kelly, joined as always by my friends Abigail, Thorne, and Devon. Bonjour! How you doing? It's more Eurospy. And this one is supposed to be good. Yeah! It's a comedy!

We were promised that this would be a good time. Like, people were saying ahead of time, people who had been watching ahead of it, that this was, like, one of the better regarded ones. Mm-hmm. I had heard of this one before and that's really saying something i'll be honest i'll lay all my cards on the table here i had a great time with this one yeah this one was just straightforwardly quite fun it's it has some problems which we'll get into i i described it in the group chat yeah i i described it in the group chat as like a milk tray chocolate filled with piss, but um, it's pretty good!

It's pretty good. For the most part, if you're willing to overlook some heinous crimes, you know, I had a good time watching it. This is The Great Spy Chase, or Les Barbouzes. A barbouze, by the way, is French for like a, it's like beardy, right? But I looked this up and curiously enough, this was also, it means like spy, like with the implication of wearing a false beard. It was also like a death squad created by the French government against the OAS in Algeria.

No, for once they were like a death squad on behalf of the French government who were like on the side of the angels, as it were. But they did not last very long. This movie's a comedy, by the way, so... A comedy about a death squad? Uh, no. I just, I can't help but to bring, when I find these little details, I just, you know, I say them before I think, is this gonna come...

Yeah, bring them to class and that's exactly exactly it's like a bug i found on the ground outside you know i've got it in a little tub and i'm gonna show all of you you know just so you know we'll go that's nice thank you that's right this is going right on the fridge it's it's yeah i'm so good at podcasts i'm gonna get a good grade in it um so the the great spy chase give yourself the grade sorry what the great spy chase is is it's it's it's a spy comedy that in many ways is shot more like a kind of murder mystery or crime mystery film it reminded me more than anything else of um the lady killers to be honest uh there are a few moments in here uh and it it doesn't help the fact that it starts

with uh a lot of the sort of semiotics of a of a murder mystery you've got a train in the night the guard is like you know tied up and gagged again i would hate to be the kind of classic is um the classic the classic spy movie opening is with 009 getting killed. Of course, that's true. This movie starts with 009s becoming absolutely critically endangered in the wild. Because like, seven or eight thousand dudes get killed, one after the other. This is the thing, they don't actually get killed later on, we find out. But like, it's, we see a number of spies all kind of working their way up the food chain by killing each other on this one train.

So like, one of them gets kicked out of the moving train, and when the guy stops to polish his shoes after having kicked the guy in the arse, a fatal error, because he has brought a shoe to a knife fight. And this being sort of pre-Kleb days, those weren't an equal threat, and the guy just stabs him. No one invented Klebbing someone yet, so... And then the stabber gets shot. Oh, and the noise that that gunshot makes? Oh, let me tell you. Rubber band?

And timpani. I don't know what's happening. There's two gunshot noises they use in this movie for, like, a suppressed gunshot. And one of them is that, and the other one is a kind of, like, very low tension string on, like, a... Yeah, straight up elastic sounding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who does the shooting gets poisoned in the toilet?

He locks himself in and a guy uses a fucking sonic screwdriver looking electromagnet to unlatch the door throw in a glass ampoule of poison, which you never see a glass ampoule anymore. Nobody fucks with ampoules anymore no no and the

thing is about a glass ample you do if you run decapital it's amazing to be fair some of the photographic chemicals i've been looking at getting sent in actually do get sent in little glass ampoules oh love an ample but yeah so so i mean also very funny that he throws in this poison, and then like, not a second later... Like five seconds at best. Opens the door to be like, and it's like, oh damn, it's poison in there! Opens the door just like, check, I guess. Yeah. And he's like, oh yeah, that's poison.

A guy like, drives through a level crossing barrier to stop the train, and this is an insane detail, and it's something that doesn't matter to recounting the movie at all. It's something that probably only matters to me. Again, it's another one of these little bugs in Tubbs that I've got a few of these. But like, when he drives over the barrier, I go, I swear to God that barrier just moaned. Like, I'm not crazy, right? Because I i got the audio and when he drives over the barrier it sounds like this this is the third installment in a very strange trilogy of ours which is the cougars the donkeys and now the sexual barrier i needed that shit mixed in every time like a

plywood door got broken in this movie. Actually, could we call it something other than the sexual barrier? Because that's like a whole other thing. When we say the sexual barrier has been broken, that's that, right? Yeah, this is sort of a masochist level crossing barrier. It's like, I would hate to be, like, run over by a car. Can I get that again? Can I get that again?

Yeah, by all means. Okay. Yeah, I mean, there's no two ways about it. And there's no women on the screen when this happens either. This is very much a car driving through a level crossing. The barrier is drawn... It's like one of those things where somebody draws their phone as an anime girl and they're wanting to be plugged in. Yeah in yeah oh i'm not too familiar with that

never mind so i'm i'm literally and metaphorically i'm on board with this because i it's like train full of killers i get it you know i'm always a sucker for this i thought bullet train was fun that's a mid-movie by anyone's sort of standards but it has the like train full of killers i love that shit cannot get enough i would love to see train full of killers on a british train there's like 2 000 everyone's cramped into every fucking festival standing room only there's no trolley service the train is like very slow my my sort of like in order to my my like killing power requires someone else to activate it by opening a packet of crisps and when they do i just go sicko mode i'm like obliterating all the like load-bearing joints of everyone in there

i'm doing combos this is the stance of the kill james Bond podcast If you make a single noise in the quiet coach You should be killed Yeah yeah that's true I booked that seat so I can work Fuck you Transport police should have a mortar I booked that seat because I have like sensory issues I think genuinely

It would be fantastic to shoot Like a slow chase scene Through a packed British like train carriage oh amazing everyone's got snowpiercer shit excuse me sorry so having stopped the train the guy who has run down the sexual barrier uh gets a big guy called called his excellency monsieur shah off the train in secret and let me tell you this guy fantastic this is a perfect guy to be called his excellence this whole movie is like a perfect time if you want to see vintage french tough guy faces there's

so many of them um and yeah he's a big guy 140 centimeters around the around the waist as we later learn um and he's like being hunted by all of these killers. And he's spirited off into the night. The final guy, the Poisoner, is strangled to death by the guy who broke the sexual barrier. And then he carries off Monsieur Char. When the train gets into the station, there are some

French secret agents looking for him. You know, the obligatory secret agent and then two friends, you know, from OSS Saint-Ducet. I'm not sure why they gave them all two friends, but I think it's nice. Everyone gets two friends. That's what happened to us. We're your two friends.

But which one of us is the secret agent? We'll never tell. Yeah, exactly. So they're looking for shot and of course he's gone no one's there and there's like a bunch of dead bodies all over the place so they go and report this to our m the colonel yeah i have some thoughts about m so do i have you ever seen the chuckle brothers yeah that's one of the thoughts I had. Because my man is Barry Chuckle. Pure spits. Barreled chuckles. Ridiculous. I can't believe this. Sorry, no, no, no.

We're not glassing over barreled chuckles. I'm just extrapolating from Harry to Harold, what Barry must be short for. This is what he did after Paul died. Baz, Barry, barreled. But like, the other thing about this is that American List is like impenetrable.

I don't know who the Chocobrothers are. No clue. American listeners are like, Barreld's a normal name, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, Barreld Trump. He's got a huge framed portrait of de Gaulle, but it's old de Gaulle, and he's so old, I genuinely thought it was an unironic case of the René Coty from, like, new OSS on DC. Oh, God, that movie sucked. He's also got, this goes unacknowledged, doesn't get any lines, but, like, folding his mail, question mark, he just has, like, an office twink.

Yeah, he does have an office twink. Like, the only, like, hot man in this movie is just this guy who's, like, folding his mail. I mean, fucking, I need an office twink, is the thing. We need to fold that mail. Applications available at killjamesbond.com slash contacts. If you're a fanboy, would it- wait, no. No. Depends on the fanboy.

No, no. Not until that time he sent a letter with the anthrax in it! You would hate to have the femboy crush an ampoule in front of you. Actually, that's how poppers used to come, so maybe not necessarily. Mmm. Yeah, the whole... Some spice from the boy! It's a new thing I've just learned. Yeah, yeah, poppers used to come in glass samples, and after a long night,

sometimes you'd find broken glass all over the floors of my room and stuff. Hell yeah. But yeah, so, he briefs our guy, Francis Lagnon, who is like... he's not particularly glamorous, he's not particularly tough. Yeah, let me get the title sequence. Well, hold on. I'm getting to the title sequence. He does tell him beforehand, this Shah guy, he's been arming people in like, uh, Indo-China

and South Asia. So my man is an anti-colonialist, first of all. He's been arming the Viet Minh, which is incredibly cool. He's just been arming dudes. Like, we are on this guy's side. Yeah. been arming the vietnam men i guess which is incredibly cool it's just we are on this guy's side yeah just arming guys it's fine yeah and and it does a joke from police story 2 again which it's just like it's an insane coincidence that it does a joke from the movie we happen to do next to it in our running order, that were released like 30 years apart, where the, like, spies tell him, like, oh, you know, we lost control of the situation, it's a real shame, he goes, that's not good enough, and then reports to De Gaulle, and goes, oh, well, we lost control of the situation, and De Gaulle goes, it's

not good enough! And then, then we get the title. And I have an mp3 of the theme music for this which i want to just put out i i'm sure it can't still be copyrighted i want to just put it out with this because it is unusually funky It really does go hard, is how I would describe it. And because the opening titles, which fuck, by the way, begin with a shot of the Kremlin and the Soviet flag, and so I think, for a second, I don't know that we're doing the titles, and I'm just like, oh yeah, the funk's up.

Hell yeah! It's like, what's the music we used to establish during the soviet union this fucking sick when we find out that there's just like a real time capsule where for some reason in 1960s france that was the music they associated with the ussr was funk this is something like okay something got mislabeled and like damn this soviet music fucking goes. Oh. Yeah, I would love for that to happen. I think we could do with like some shifting around all of the musical cues we used to associate with the country.

And maybe just like some country gets a really cool one now. Yeah. Cutting to New York and just hearing the Red Army Choir like, what? That's my dream, baby. Cutting to Wales and it's a bunch of Mexican music now. I do know that the titles have a specialist karate in them. Hell yeah. And that might, like, ears poke up. You know this.

I know this. We also, we get a fun title crawl as well, which says, I love this. These events are so believable that it would be superfluous of us to say that they are true. Which I think is a really clever little turn of phrase yeah it's it's fantastic yeah so the whole time there's like ticker tape coming out you can see every different country is like putting their boys on it yeah and then and then we see the boys the titles and we're introduced to each boy very quickly and i'm i'm like i'm clapping in my seat at this, because this is all fantastic.

Every country has a James Bond, right? Except Britain! Yeah, not in this, very funny. There's French Bond, Swiss Bond, German Bond, and Soviet Bond. I'll go through them very briefly in turn. So French Bond is Francis Lagnan, the guy we saw earlier. The joke with him is that he has too many codenames. So he's like, codename Cherub, also codename Scorpion, sometimes codename 120.

And we see him sort of like, kiss his wife and give her his wedding ring. Then we have the Swiss guy, who is a priest, and it goes into in some detail his theology which is like neutralist and like anti-scholasticist particularly down on thomas of aquinas thomas aquinas and he's like he and he works with the banks as well like he's not like a government guy yeah yeah it genuinely there's borders on like wes and stuff so it's great it's whimsical it's really good like it's really genuinely this is another one where i would just be like you can watch this movie actually just find this one the german guy the east german guy hans mueller um i love this guy he's he's like a humanist it tells us it like, what? Why do we need to know that? Yeah, the level of detail is very funny.

Yeah, and finally, the Russian, who is just a beautiful, beautiful line as we see him blowing something up. He's described as a virtuoso piano player and confirmed pyrotechnician. I'm so charmed. I ran a Spycraft game once. Oh, shit.

And I was trying to make it like this, and it never really came off. And I keep wanting to revisit it. And this really, really made me feel that itch again. So it's a real good setup for a movie. The narrator gives us a really funny line, which is like, French intelligence use their superior skills.

And of course they do not use networks of informants to track down where Shah is. And as we're being told this, we see a police informant like telling them Shah is in Istanbul. So might I say, Barry Chuckles sends French James Bond to some stock footage of Istanbul.

That's right. And he walks in, he's wearing like the sunglasses and suit, like a spy. He checks in with like an obvious code phrase, you know, that if it keeps raining, strawberries will be ruined for harvest. And then he walks over into the chairs in the lobby, and the other three guys are all sitting there, also wearing sunglasses, they're the other three guys are all sitting there also wearing sunglasses they're the only people who are and they're just arranged in like you know three sides of a square with the chair waiting for them just like there's this moment of oh they've just all

got a big newspaper yeah just eye holes cutting in shit like yeah but at this point uh a chinese guy uh checks into the front desk and asks about mr shah and where he's staying um and like all four of our bonds are like the fuck um so german bond tails this guy upstairs and then he is thrown from the 17th floor and killed the chinese guy not german bond yeah the the guy announces this in an incredibly blasé way this is the unintentionally funniest line in the movie where the guy is just like a chinese guy just fell off the balconies he's dead it's just like over the fucking tannoy chinese man just fell off the 17th floor, he's dead He's dead Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the inconvenience

But the service has been delayed due to a Chinese man I don't know why it's so funny to specifically note this rape Well they kill him because he's Chinese That's true And then they even discuss this a little bit There's never collegiate respect for the Chinese bonds. Like Chinese bonds dead instantly. We go through like

5,000 Chinese bonds. But I'll get to that. We will get there. We will get there. Also the other funny thing about the Chinese guy, I should say, is that there's a little moment, it's beautifully acted, where as he

checks in, the guy asks him for his name, and he has to look at his passport for like a fraction of a second to remember the fake name, and I love that. Well done to that actor. And then German Bond comes down and they trade lines like, oh, well, there's no reason the agents of the West can't work together occasionally. With the Soviet Union and East Germany, they're fully like half Warsaw Pact! At which point, we find out that while this is happening, Bernard Shaw is in a brothel in Paris...

Nowhere near Istanbul! No, not even close. Dying in the great tradition of Felixarr, which is a beautiful little line, Félix Farr, president of France, died mid-sex with a woman who was not his wife. Died of a stroke. That's the Frenchest way to die. That's fine. He was a national hero, you know?

Yeah, they put up statues about this, they're like, fuck you. The man who runs the brothel says that he died in a riding accident, which is... Oh, that, I just genuinely fantastic. Extremely funny. Does that pun work in French and English? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Un accident de parkour. Yeah. An accident of parkour?

He died in a parkour accident. He just tried to, like, flip into the pussy. It's a great way to learn about your body yeah and Barry Chuckle gets to brief Francis and he's like he gives him the propaganda eulogy where he's like he was a great friend of France

he died in the arms of his commendable wife in his chateau in West Germany he just holds on and is like, uh-huh. And what actually happened? Yeah, it's like he's pumping. He died, nuns! Your job now is to transport his body

back to the chateau. And he gives him a look, and M says, listen, buddy, if you wanted an easy job, you should have joined the gendarmerie. Which is really funny. So in order to accomplish this, you should have joined the gendarmerie. Which is really funny. So in order to accomplish this, French Bond goes to the brothel

and he meets Mr. Shaw's servant, whose name is Rudolph. The guy who we saw choke out the ampoule guy. He's an ex-crim, and French Bond is like, yo, you're going to help me transport this body back, know we're

gonna send you back to prison basically is the vibe yeah rudolph has a fantastic line here which is he says i've always worked in the private sector but i wouldn't say no to a civil service job you have all my references which is like yeah we have them in archive they're taking up quite a lot of space might i add this is the problem with a straightforwardly good movie. You spend your time just appreciating things about it. And it's just so straightforwardly, like, really, the dialogue really sparkles. Yeah, and there's a great line a couple of moments later where they're driving along and they have Charles' corpse in a crate marked, like, statue. And they stop off for a pub lunch and the driver says,

I better park in the shade! Yeah, not acknowledged at all. It doesn't linger on it, which is a great contrast to the kind of like, hmm, so that just happened, kind of like joke telling school now. Where it's just like, no, it just throws that one out, and if you get it, fantastic, if you don't, you know, you're lost. Um, fucking, the fucking order he gives as well in the restaurant. Yeah, what's his lunch order? They sit down in this fucking diner,

and the waitress comes over and she goes, we've got ribs, we've got stuffed rabbit, and we've got stuffed eskalo. And he goes, I'll have the eskalo's first course, then the ribs. And as she's about to leave, he's like, hold on, hold on. I'll have the rabbit instead of the eskalo, and then the ribs. And slip a stuffed to leave he's like hold on hold on i'll have the rabbit instead of the escalope and then the ribs and stuff slipper stuffed escalope for now will you this boss is like and of course you won't skip dessert and he's like no no do you have do you

have tarts she's like yes and he goes right we'll have those after the cheese and it's just it's like again this is the problem where you're talking about a movie that's just genuinely quite good. It's like, this seems good. Anyway. Yeah, it makes me contrast with, like, the man from Uncle, the most recent one, the 2015 one, they tried to do Napoleon Solo like that. And it just didn't work because they didn't, the writing wasn't as good. And also, like, Francis, he's not like

a fat man, like he's not large, but he's not built like Henry Cavill is the thing. Yeah. And so it lands. Yeah. He does check out the waitress's ass in a little bit of needless misogyny. A little bit of sexual harassment. Barry Chuckle was there in the restaurant and he says, okay, here's the real mission. He's addicted to briefing. He's addicted to briefing. He can't stop briefing. So just as in the first scene, we had like nine 009s.

The follow-on from that is that we have nine scenes where Emma's like, Bond, here's the deal with this movie. Yeah. Set up, set up, set up, set up, set up. 2.34am. End of movie. Going back for more briefing. Like 007, 007 briefing should have got like 20 20 Q seeds like yeah

so anyway Barry Tucker says Shaw was selling weapons but he also knew that there are some weapons that are like too dangerous to be sold like super weapons biological stuff nuclear stuff he bought up patents for super weapons and he stored them.

Why would you patent them? The line is A-bombs, H-bombs, any bomb in the alphabet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was buying up all these kind of blueprints, basically. And now that he's dead, if those get into the wrong hands, they'd be massively dangerous.

So what we need you to do is we need you to pose as his cousin, take the body back to his widow, who is a 10 out of 10 smoke show of course and after the funeral secure the patents and make sure none of the other james bonds from the intro sequence get their hands on them and this immediately cracks francis up he just starts laughing um and he's like why and it's just wait because he, what happens if I don't get them? And M says, well, you'll be out of a job.

It's like, yeah, me and 600 million other people, because they're just gonna start nuking everything. The line he says is like, Angkor Wat flying over Paris, which is like, beautifully evocative. So they decant Char's body out of this box, into a beautiful Citroen DS ambulance, which they could have just used to start with. And they drive it over the border into West Germany, to this chateau. 10 out of 10, smoke show widow, who is introduced wearing a veil, and then we cut back and she's in lingerie, and a veil.

Incredibly powerful. Yes, so cut, like, I would do this. Pussy out at the funeral. wearing a veil and then we cut back and she's in luxury and a veil which is incredibly powerful yes so cut like i would do this pussy out at the funeral also deeply funny if if any of you are like twitch streamers or at all involved in that the witness name is amaranth she is she is known as amaranth which is extremely funny because she is one of the biggest twitch streamers in the world i kind of worried when we introduced amaranth that we were going to be doing the, like, child-brained woman thing again. But to be honest, not really. Yeah, I was really worried about it, but... I like her as a character for the most part.

I do, too. But, see, she's a bit, like, giggly in the first scene. We see Rudolph sort of, like like reintroduce himself and like pledge himself to her service you know this man is a fucking like like german samurai i swear to god uh and i mean he has a line about it later he's like i'm prolonging myself yeah and she's she's like you know uh kind of teasing him a bit by just being like, you know, provocatively undressed in front of him. Um, and so as soon as, as soon as they get to the chateau, Rudolph, like, who has been dragooned into cooperating with, with Francis is like, yeah, no, I, I just work for her

now. Um, and there's a, it's really funny, but it's quite a dark joke where Francis is like, well, why? You know, I thought we had you by the balls and And he's like, West Germany seldom extradites. It's like, I'm across the border now, baby. Yeah. There's a few reasons why West Germany seldom extradites to France that might not be entirely wholesome, but it's, yeah, very, very funny. Um, but yeah, so, uh, Francis introduces himself to Amaranth

and says uh I was uh Shah's cousin even though you've never heard of me um and at this point

Swiss Bond arrives yes and says Father Caffarelli I was Shah's confessor yeah and French Bond says

oh did he convert I was just thinking about and with this sort of hair of weariness, all of the Bonds show up under various pretexts. Muller is like his guru, his doctor. He says, I was his doctor.

I almost converted him to Hinduism, at which point the Catholic Swiss Bond priest comes in. Nearly got him. And finally, Boris, who is, and this is the funniest part, he's like long lost brother, but he kind of comes in very emotional, and you can see the other Bond's exasperation that he's overplaying it. Where he's just kind of like, grabbing her in his arms and like, you know, sort of, like...

Yeah, yeah. Just like, wailing. Villagising, yeah. Just be like, as soon as I heard I got the Trans-Siberian Express, then I got the one there, screaming all the time. My favourite joke in the whole fucking movie is here, where he says, you know, we grew up together in Odessa, you know, we danced how we danced, in the sea air, the sea breeze, and she goes, well I how we danced, in the sea air, the sea breeze, and she goes, well I thought he was born in Tehran.

And he goes, well, you know, they dance in Tehran too. And Francis goes, yeah, but there's not so much sea air, because it's 200 kilometers from the nearest coastline. And he says, a bourgeois conception of distance. Fantastic. Which is... Yeah. Great. Absolutely, like, so good. It's so good! Conception of Distance Fantastic Yeah great absolutely like So good

It's so good I'm so pleased that we watched this movie Yeah so the four bonds This makes up for FX18 What does it say about masculinity I don't know Here's all the funniest lines from it I mean if this is the French concept of masculinity

There's a little bit there I guess Yes there is I think we'll get to it. I mean, if this is the French concept of masculinity, there's a little bit there, I guess. Yes, there is. I think we'll get to it. But the four bonds have this quiet argument, but they have to pretend to be civil at dinner. My notes say, Amaranth is wearing a backless black mourning dress in a castle?

Astonishing. Yes. Yes. Yeah. She's cunt. It's cunt. I appreciate this. Yeah.

Also, the castle itself is fucking gorgeous. Want this castle, want this dress. They all retire to bed, and we see the various bonds. This is so good. Immediately, like, first of all, Caffarelli, the priest, he has an in- He has a full fucking kit, man. Speak about this kit. No, no, I don't have an itemized list.

He's got, like, a full, like, giant steamer trunk which is full of carrier pigeons for messages, he's got like a pair of handcuffs in there, he's got- Ten fake fucking beards. So many ampoules. Scorpions! Oh, the scorpions, yeah. And we see them all go to bed, and them all exasperatedly discovering that one of the others has attempted to kill them. Like, Muller pulls back his covers, and there's a scorpion in his bed,

and the way he looks at this fucking scorpion, it just conveys perfectly that he has had this happen, like, 50 times in his life. Swiss Bond has a chandelier rigged above his bed with knives on it that falls- Really funny. Yeah, like, um... Oh fuck, what is- The Soviet Bond- Soviet Bond has an acid shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does!

Which is like, that seems like escalating a little bit, but then you see that French Bond just has a bomb hooked to the flush of his toilet, and rather than like climb up there and disarm it, he just knots a bunch of cords together, gets behind the bed, pulls the thing anyway, and blows up his own bathroom. Yeah, because you get the one shot of him, like, he's going to pull the thing, and he goes, ah, fuck, I better have it, and he, like, ties his, like, dressing gowns, like, string to it, and then you see him decide he's not far enough away from it yet and

then it does everyone else's scenes and gets back to him and it's just this long thing with like 10 ties like fucking towels really good stuff so the next morning that it cuts from this to Swiss Bond saying, gentlemen, I think we should exercise a bit of common sense. Really like that. All of them like, okay, boys, we got a bit silly last night. We can't. Like, maybe things got out of hand, you know? Maybe we should have a truce.

They're trying to downplay it, too. Like, German Bond is just like, I found a scorpion in my bed. And I think Swiss Bond is like, it wouldn't have killed you. Yeah, the banter on this is incredible. And Bond is just like, I found a scorpion in my bed. And I think it's Swiss Bond is like, it wouldn't have killed you. Yeah. The banter on this is incredible. Cause like French Bond says in passing, you know, I'm not, I'm not saying that you have like a thing, like a thing, but in some of our spy schools, we do call secreting a scorpion in your enemy's bed, the cannons trick, which is, and he's like so aggrieved at being typecast and he

hints at something much darker than this because he's like well what do you call your thing of like dynamiting an airliner is there a name for that because they're all like named agents and they know each other's exploits so they're like just coming at each other about their fucking histories it's perfect this is the thing the thing that i really like is the like confreree of this you know the like uh the sense that this is a wider world that they all have to put up with each other they've done this over like fucking hundreds of things you know and the thing is that's not hugely common in spy movies they take it where i can get it you know and they never ever ever expand on it at all. Like you remember all of the stuff I was talking about in like various Bond movies where they

never have an ally or really an enemy aside from like Jaws recur. There's no sense that this ever exists in sort of like a broader like world. Yeah, that you can enjoy going back to or, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. There's no kind of friendly rivalry like this. So Amaranth arrives, and she is absolutely serving. Yes. Yes, I took a screenshot on her at Abbey House, the sunglasses.

She arrives wearing bedazzled sunglasses, which are phenomenal. The sunglasses are so fucking good. She arrives wearing her iconic sunglasses from the movie les barbous like it's it's yeah um and at this point a fifth bond strikes the movies because we meet american bond not to be like i predicted this but like as soon as i hear the like novelty horn of a like dipshit car outside i ah, this must be the classic French movie, Dipshit American. Like, it's a feature of like, you know, it was in OSS Saint-Ducet, Rio Noura-Pont-Pas,

you know, the Sacré-Uber. That guy shows up in a Buick full of greasers. Again, strange conception. Like national stereotypes. But this huge, this huge unfashionable guy arrives. They call him a boor, basically. The other Bond's...

South African Bond. Well, so he immediately offers to buy the patents. He's just like, he's not being sneaky about it. He doesn't have a disguise. He's like, hello, I'm from the CIA. I would like to buy the patents, please. He's like, I'll pay you in cash dollars 25% more than anyone else. And he's like, hello, I'm from the CIA. I would like to buy the patents, please. He's like, I'll pay you in cash dollars 25% more than anyone else. And he's like, thumbs up.

And he sort of unites Europe against him to the point that they stalk towards him. They all grab an arm and they throw him out of a window into the moat. I really want a moat. It's kind of like a

it's like a Ryder Cup thing it's like US versus Europe it's good stuff yeah we have the funeral and then we see that the four bonds have gotten competitive with the reefs that they've fought

American Bond makes another like insulting offer he comes to the funeral and takes his hat off and then it's just like, 2 million. And then M shows up again. Barry Chuckle arrives by a helicopter, yeah. Fucking helicopter parenting, very literal in the spy industry. This is such a fucking funny scene. He shows up and he's like, right, there's a bidding war on. The initial mission was to stop anyone from being able to put in bids.

Now it's going, and Francis is like, okay, fine, how much can we bid? And he's like, uh, nothing. He goes, not a dime. France doesn't have any money, but we have charm. Yeah, so he says, we can't possibly outbid the Americans, but what we can do is, you can seduce the widow. And then we see that all four bonds have been given the same order. They all show up wearing the, like, boutonniere.

They've all been taught to try to fucking dance. And, like, as this guy goes, you know, you've got to fucking seduce this broad. He's like, you motherfucker, did you not like have, do you remember having veal soup two weeks ago? And he's like, yeah, on behalf of your beautiful wife. What of it? He's just like, I don't want to fucking, I've got a wife.

What about this? And he's like, I don't care. And then flies his auto gyro away, which is the hardest way to end a conversation. He's like, literally, I don't care. Marry her if you have to. And then just, like, leave. She does have a castle.

I mean... Yeah, and she's, like, a 10 out of 10 smoke show baddie. Like, this is true. Okay, I accept both of these. Actually, to be fair, every time I've tried to seduce a 10 out of 10 Smokeshow Baddie with castle-owning money, it hasn't ended well. I've never really tried

to seduce a 10 out of 10 Smokeshow Baddie with a castle. 10 out of 10 Smokeshow Baddie, certainly, the castle part has been circles. I don't know if she's had a castle. I need to start going to the opera. She definitely had a castle-owning money. I've tried to seduce a few heiresses in

my time at St Andrews, never successfully. Yeah, this is the thing, I should have gone to St Andrews. Target rich environment. So, Boris is trying to play her the piano, and we get another classic, I love this shit. I did fumble someone with castle-owning money once. Just now that I'm remembering that. Oh, that's unfortunate. I know, I know.

You know the thing of looking through the eyes of a portrait through two eye holes? Some of my favorite shit. It was in OSS Saint-Ducet, I think. It's peak. Every time that happens, it's fantastic. Yeah. Well, someone does that, and that guy is Asian, so that's Chinese James

Bond, I guess. Chinese James Bond! So as they're all trying to seduce the widow... Well, question mark by the Chinese part, that's what we'll get back to. Yeah. As they're all trying to seduce her with various over-the-top efforts, apart from French Bond, who gets locked in a cupboard in this important video. Yeah, fucking Swiss Bond is not even trying to seduce he's just going for the cock blocking route

he just locks French Bond in a cupboard and just starts like walks into the room with Boris and just starts trying to join him in singing ruins his whole shit it's quite murder mystery so then they get back and Boris finds that there is the corpse

of a butler inside the piano that he was playing, which is like, oh. Like Chinese Bond is watching them through the eye holes of the painting. Meanwhile, Chinese Bond has like a bunch of Chinese agents who are helping him. Huntsman, yeah. They're like cutting the phone lines. Chinese 009s. Yeah.

They cut the phone lines. They kill the servants and start replacing them and they're like we see that they are hiding all over the castle in the walls yeah this is i mean the fact that they are so numerous yeah it was like a racist feels racist to me yes and that in that only intensifies as the movie goes on um like ultimately like, ultimately, like, pretty soon after this, one of the things that they do is, uh, the entire staff are like, sitting down for dinner, and they cut the power, and the next shot is all of the same staff, but Chinese, having dinner. It's like, great replacement, but like, instantly.

Yeah. Like, it's like, the lights go out, you are now Chinese. And it's like, what? Yeah, you start seeing that flash at the bottom of like, your view, you are now Chinese and it's like what? you start seeing that flash at the bottom of your view you're like fuck fuck so Francius has like taken Amaranth out to like

the gardens and he just like levels with her or at least almost levels with her yeah he goes for a real Hail Mary which is just sitting down and being like hey alright so I'm a spy so I'm a spy Almost levels. Yeah. He goes for a real Hail Mary, which is just sitting down and being like, hey, all right. So I'm a spy. I'm a spy.

The patents that your husband left are very valuable and dangerous in the wrong hands. He appeals to her patriotism. He's like, you know, you're born in France. Don't you love your country? And she's like, actually, I want to sell it to the American. Yeah. The thing I really like about this is this is is like, ostensibly a selfish thing for her to do, right?

But, she gets a little speech, where she's like, listen, I've been poor, it sucks, I acted for a bit, you think you're playing FEDRA, and then you end up belly dancing on the Bosphorus and I was too thin for them. It's like, it really like, it's funny but it bestows like some dignity on her. You know, it's really well acted. It's like, of course I want to be fucking rich. Like I need the money now because like

yes I have a castle but do you know how expensive castles are? Like there's so much money. I'm not even the highest paid person in this chateau. I'm not even the highest paid person in a castle. To be fair. I mean it probably takes a highest person in the castle. To be fair, I mean, it probably takes a lot

to ruin a castle. Fair enough. Oh, sure. It does, actually. I'm trying to figure out how I can tell this story. I know somebody who knows somebody

who is having to sell their castle because they cannot afford the upkeep on it. Oh, wow. It's real tough. It's a tough economy these days, the mortgage. You cannot sell castles's it's real it's it's a tough economy these days the mortgage

you cannot sell castles because nobody's buying them because they're so expensive to maintain crazy nobody's buying castles these days yeah so so she she's quite cynical about this she gets a great noir line about this too she's like it's it's it's easier to open your heart than a checkbook. While she's telling him off, he's kicking his shoes around like a kid being told off as well. He's just looking down at the ground. She also kind of intimates, she's like, I do actually quite like you. Why don't you turn traitor?

Stay with me. Let's sell the patents and you could live in the castle with the 10 out of 10 smoke show widow and live happily ever after in West Germany, and I would have signed on to that like a fucking shot, let me tell you, but Francis is completely like... He does! He does, he goes, okay, fine, yeah, let's do it, and she's like, ah, you're lying, aren't you, and he's like, yeah.

It's really good! So we get another dinner scene, and... So he agrees to take her out riding, and the other three sense that they're being frozen out, apart from Boris, who says charmlessly, I know how to ride because i i once abducted a hungarian boyar's wife which raises a lot of questions about like what why what uh uh personally i would hate to um and at this point the chinese attack yes yes right yes this is the piss in the middle of the chocolate We've encountered the piss We are now in piss zone French Bond is lured out And he encounters two men

And I now see why there is a specialist karate In the credits Because two men try to karate fight him It is filmed without much intensity It's not It's gift is for the comedy It's okay But he know, it's gift is for the comedy. Yeah. And it's okay. But he defeats the pair of them.

He looks around. Fucking hundred guys. And essentially, there's one guy with a beard. He is Chinese question mark Bond. And he has the ability, like as a cantrip to summon infinity asians um yes yeah which and during the following fight scene the joke is that the various european bonds kill chinese guys and there's just like loads and loads and loads of them and like that's the joke yeah that's the primary joke of this sequence yeah um i mean i think the

trope is like the it's both like cowboys and indians and it's also there's another thing in a second but yeah they're just shooting down this horde of like unnamed asians which compares very poorly to the like good clean fun of like defenestrating an american yeah they like threw him through a window these guys they just shoot yeah and as as the gunfight gets sort of more and more ridiculous uh caffarelli is like behind behind cover flying a un flag which i think is a rather nasty korean war joke yeah because the um the allies on uh on that side were like under the auspices of the un but impossible to say um now during the middle of this american bond arrives and offers a million dollars

and francis throws him through the window of the moat the this movie i write down this movie existed as a jobs program for the fragile splintering doors replacement and repair industry yeah because every time there's a door someone just goes through it rather than through it like they just go through the like frame of the door these guys hate fake doors the way jackie chan hates sugar glass yeah that's what that's my note it's plywood doors are the 1960s france as sugar glasses to 1980s hong kong it's just you get you get one shot i really like where the where chinese james bond and french james bond uh chasing each other and And they both, they smash through the, the room where Amaranth is like doing her makeup.

And she just like sees this happen. Just sort of like gets up, walks to the other door and opens it in time for them to run through the doorway. Classic, classic. Just great stuff. Just like good comedy, clean fun.

Apart from the writer. Apart from the writer. So Chinese James Bond gets away and hides. Horns? Yeah. All of his henchmen are killed. They sort of like, have a debrief together, and they then argue, because they're like, I hope this like, Chinese incident hasn't like, you know, ruined things for you with Amaranth. He's like, well mine were Japanese, and then the Russian guy says, well mine were like, uh, Chinese imperialists from Formosa.

They were like, in the Kuomintang, from Taiwan. Which... And I just like... Why are the, like, various... Like why are they compressed into one mass? What like... I know what the joke is here, and it's just racist. Yeah.

Fucking sucks. It's a shame. Yeah. here and it's just racist yeah it fucking sucks it's a shame um yeah um the puncture well the punchline of this of all this like the button on the end of this is that amaranth cries for help francis runs into her room where us bond is there again officer two million dollars same wardrobe and this time uh he's like okay okay and he jumps out of the window into the moat voluntarily. Which is... So, then he- so Francis finally manages to seduce Amaranth, essentially by- Well, she kinda seduces him. Yeah, if you'll excuse the joke, they kind of bond, over being, like, working class,

of being from like, shit bits of paris and shitty clubs uh and it's a real it's a real tonic compared to you know uh james bond you know fucking around playing your mouth is the right size for my penis yeah yeah yeah there is a moment where she says are you married and he lies and says no and then which makes all of this like spike this shit. This does become spy cop shit very fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great shame. They, they shack. She is at least very into it. When he says he doesn't have a wife,

there's a little reference to another movie we've seen where he's, he's like, yeah, no, I couldn't with all the like, you know, one day you're in, you're in Shanghai. One day you're in Beirut, you know, all this like Bangkok and Bangkok. And it's like, ah, that's, that's like, this stuff is all like, came out within like, three years of each other.

But yeah, aside from the spy cops-ness of this, which it kind of retroactively covers later on, I find all this rather sweet, to be honest. It's charming. I like that there's an ongoing joke where Frenchpond keeps finding microphones that like,

all of the others have been placing it's like when he finally finds this one just before he like shags this broad he's like he pulls it off and like you see all three of the other ones are all just stood around one listening station getting mad as hell about it yeah yeah coping seething seething in the morning the three other bonds are having breakfast and they're all kind of jealous and upset. Francis walks into the breakfast room, like, dressing gown on, cigarette in hand, and the other three Bonds are like, my dude, did you hit that? And he's like, firstly, yes, and secondly, fuck off.

Yeah, get out. One of them calls him Sardana Palace, by the way, which is a quite dated, classical reference. Mythical last king of Assyria, famed for his orgies, if you're curious. Also potentially a trans woman, if you believe Diodorus. That's why I call me that. This is an educational podcast. That's right.

So yeah, he's like, you've got half an hour to pack your shit and get out. But Swiss Bond is phlegmatic. Because Boris is like, okay, well, do you want to kill him now, do breakfast later, or breakfast now, then kill him? And Swiss Bond is like, no, no, we can be a bit careful about this. I have a plan. German Bond is like, oh, this treachery really sits poorly with me. And Swiss Bond's like, it kind of inspires me. And he cooks some shit up.

They're all in the main hall. And Amaranth is like, all right, lads, it's been great. Thank you for coming. This has been real off your toddle, though, for real. I'll never forget you. When Rudolph runs in is like holy shit boris has had a stroke he's like frothing at the mouth and shit and they all run in there like and and rudolph's like i'm a doctor my cover story is that i'm a doctor so i should stay

uh and then then the swiss bond is just like do you think there's you might need a priest and he's like yes i think we may do he's like then i should also stay it is my duty to stay it's like it'll just turn slightly to look at french bond who just like angrily leaves the room it's just like yeah it's kind of like giving them the finger on the way out almost like oh fuck fuck us you rockers um and of course uh you know boris is faking it um yeah it's like shaving cream He then, French Bond escapes in a car with her They go out for a lovely drive in a beautiful 60s Mercedes

The other three are like Right, we've got to follow them It's time for a madcap chase sequence Or as Boris says, I feel that we're about to enter a very active phase Which I like They all betray each other in the course of trying to do this that we're about to enter a very active phase. Which I like. But so they all betray each other, in the course of trying to do this. They all sabotage each other,

and all of their modes of transport are sabotaged, including Swissbond, who is like... Carbond! Yeah, he's carbond! He survives! Carbond! Non-fatal carbombing, because fucking Frenchbond has just like bombed his car, like he's put a bomb in that car waiting. Hans has had his like motorbike sabotaged. Yeah. The acting on Swiss Bond is so funny, as he's walking away from the exploded car,

just like staggering, takes him like a full half minute to fall over, it's just beautiful. It's great physical comedy. So they're gonna try and escape to lisbon and then elope maybe um yeah um and because the patents are being held at a bank in lisbon so they off they go to get them um and so and i another thing that i note here is they have a bit of a fight in the hotel room yeah right where he he like sort of accuses her basically of being spoiled uh and she stands up for herself she's like you know i was married to for four years to a guy who is like you know 65 years old 140 centimeters around the waist two topics of conversation

arms dealing and cholesterol it's like i i like that she's like, you know, she pushes back on this stuff, you know, it's quite nice. But logically, of course, every other spy is there because she has like accidentally given away their position. She sends for some luggage and he's like, did you like send, where did you get that from? She's like, from the castle, of course. He goes, oh, nom de dieu. And immediately, like all three of them are outside plus so you of course this is really really good this is this is the payoff right set

up and set up and set up and set up and then this is the payoff and the payoff really is worth it so any any comes and uh and french bond is just like let me guess you're gonna offer a four million he says no you know what i think i've learned my lesson from last time um this time i'm gonna throw you out of the window let's turn about his fair play like um and so this this is like i would say the better of the fight scenes in this um which ends with him throwing the american into a fake painted on window and knocking him unconscious vasily if like boris briefly tries to kidnap uh amaranth not successfully nice button on the scene is that um after they walk after french bond rescues amaranth they walk they go back into the hotel room he opens the door despite it being like a massive grate it's basically just a frame

and as he closes it the handle comes off in his hand and i was like beautiful magnificent magnificent so so they get on a train back to france you know start and end with a train another bond classic um and indeed they're talking about where they're going to go on honeymoon because they're going to get married um and she wants to go to the bahamas like, well, you won't be able to afford the Bahamas because of course you're giving the patents to Barry Chuckle for free, and she's like, well, what if we sold them, you know, and he's like, no. All of his tastes are like, so prosaic, so he's like, we could go like, trout fishing in the Auvergne, or like, go to Baison. Baison is like in the arse end of Ile de France.

And when she suggests the Bahamas, there's a fantastic piece of dialogue where he's like, I would get bored, the rich are depressing. She's like, how would you know? It's like, you haven't met them. Again, it's like, yeah. They've got a great dynamic. They really do have a lot of chemistry.

It's really good Can you explain the French thing that happens here? Which French thing? She says 15 I'm not sure For a second I thought she was counting up And tennis scoring Because she goes 15, 30, 40

Which isn't the first bit I don't know I don't get this one If you know why a woman seeing a bearded man maybe it is that she's seen like 40 15 40 bearded men but like I don't know

because when she says 40 he understands what that means 3 and I dimly remember something like this from my GCSE French lessons if you're French write in killjones1.com slash contact. What was in that food cart? What was in the mobile

canteen? What did James Bond do to that man with the crocodile when he was in the crocodile suit? What does OSS do that James Bond didn't? We are gonna gin up what OSS does with James Bond and... Like vintage French adverse. No matter what. We are gonna gin up what it says does what James Bond does.

Like vintage French adverse. No matter what. She notices a man with a beard, and points him out. Yeah, a barbu, right, and this is a bearded man, which leads to the pun, where there's like that many barbu's, there's barboos you know, these are spies every single one of these motherfuckers has entered beard mode, they all have a fake beard on. Swiss Bond is there with a

fake beard he, no no, the first one is German Bond and Swiss Bond pushes him off the train and he, by the side of the road miserable and cold, hitches a ride with the Americansicans um and then swiss bond also pushes boris who has a fake beard off the train and he also hitches a ride with the

americans what the fuck happens oh yeah and then and then francis throws swiss bond off the train who also does the same thing yeah eventually like the the one who gets thrown off the train last is us bond and he tries to get picked up by his own dudes but the car is full so having thrown the the three euro bombs off the train francis goes back to the cabin and he finds amaranth in tears and she says francis i'm so sorry american bond o'brien was here he had a gun he's taken the case with the patents um so francis has to run after him uh and and then like eventually recovers the case uh and uh and like kicks us bond off the train that's when we get the joke where he tries to hitch a ride with his own boys and can't and so francis goes back to the cabin with the case yes and then amaranth's like oh he left me this check in my purse for $4 million. And he's like, you double-crossing bitch, you fucking sold him the patents and then lied,

so now we have the patents and the money. Yeah, and she's like, now we can go to the Bahamas, and you can tell your wife that you were away working in the Congo. And he's like, I'm not married. Yeah. We kind of get the impression that she has always known this is a lie. This is some real French values. She actually does

describe him in a complimentary way as being vieille France, as being old French. Like, Franche-oui-art, in the way that O.S.S. on Ducet and the new movies is. Where, yeah, it's not that way. She doesn't seem to resent being the other woman at all. Well, she says

O'Brien gave me your file and even has photos of you on your wedding day. And Francis is like, those are fake. Yeah, he's like, listen, poisonings, gas, scorpions, all of that I can tolerate, but like

doctoring photos, that's unwholesome. I can't believe this he's he's set two blokes by the way to to guard the door outside yeah the two blokes from earlier his two friends his two guys and just before he leaves they've got a little little fucking motto where they go for where he's like if anyone asks you for the time a light or the way to the sea and they all together go shoot him yeah but Yeah. But there's one James Bond remaining. One Bond unaccounted for, and that is Chinese James Bond. And it sort of, sort of claws it back in the last seconds,

because all of this time, none of the various Asian Bonds have ever had lines that are translated. They just kind of get shouts and like a little bit of Morse code, which is used to summon the like infinity Asians. And before he goes inside, he tells the two guys, you know, just like whatever happens, just like hold the line, like the battle of the Marne in the first world war. And the next shot outside, those two guys are gone. We don't see them again, so they're fucking dead. And two of the Chinese guys... They've been replaced by two Chinese guys!

Yeah, they've been great replaced by two Chinese guys, whose dialogue is on-screen translated and subtitled as, you know, he's still thinking about the man, we're gonna teach him about the Yangtze River crossing campaign, which is- Good stuff! Like it's- It's funny! Like genuinely, the- it sucks that that's their only dialogue, but like sticking it to the French specifically, and to the West, like it almost redeems itself in that moment, you know? What happens to them?

Does Francis shoot them? I think it's implied he does, but it cuts away to the outside of a train and then the final title sequence is just like, and then he became bigamous. Yeah, the ending titles, which are really funny to me, are, and so under orders, he became a bigamist and lived much more happily ever after. So this is a pro-adultery movie. Vive la France. You know what, Vive la France. You know what?

Vive la France. These guys are good, actually. They fucking know what's up. Yeah, 100%. And what does this movie say about masculinity? It says, if you are a Frenchman, it is correct to get married as many times as you want. As long as everyone knows about it.

That's polyamory. Yeah, that's right! This is the greater, you know, central, the greater Ile-de-France polycule. Oh no. I would love to be in the greater Ile-de-France polycule. I get into these polycules but in a non-sexual way, I just want access to the resources. Like an observer member at the UN, where you don't have voting rights.

Yeah, you can't vote on what the political does. You're allowed to sort of, like, be present at the meetings. We appoint you to the council, but we do not grant you the title. Grant you the rank of metamor. Do not grant you the title of metamor. Yeah, I don't think it says that much about masculinity.

I really like the kind of, like, vibe of all of these spies knowing each other and working together and just kind of like, yeah. I like that Amaranth has some, you know, agency, some, like, pep. Yeah, it really has some, like, some... She has more character than a lot of Bond girls in the 60s did. A hundred percent. Massively. Even into the 70s, to be honest.

And, yeah, it's just straightforwardly a good movie with a weird racist bit in the middle. That's the sort of, like, disclaimer on it, you know. This is a movie I would happily show other people depending on their tolerance for the racist bit in the movie. This movie's fun. This movie's got some really genuinely funny parts in it. These are some strong characters. It's really

well shot. It's well acted. There's a bit in the middle where they get sort of hoards a bit. We'll see le racisme. There's We'll see le racisme. There's a bit of le racisme right in the centre there. Yeah, but in general, not to forgive these things. In fact, we don't have to forgive

these things because... We can talk about it all we want, but we have a scientific way to figure this out. We do. A science-based rating system. It's called the SCUMM system. We've solved film analysis. We're in so many ways. It stands for SMARM,

cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny. How SMARMY is this movie? I mean, listen. This is the movie that 100% totally decouples SMARMY-ness from quality because it's insane.

It can't be like lower than 7 like 10 like genuinely it's so pleased with itself yeah but it is a comedy so it's kind of meant to be yeah and the style of comedy that it is is a smug style of comedy

you know but it sparkles for all that I really really enjoyed it i would do want to give it like a six or a seven though i'll give it a seven yeah it's yeah it's high like it's definitely high cultural insensitivity oh well here's the thing pretty bad yeah pretty pretty bad yeah you can't just be saying that shit about Chinese people. You can't. Sort of way down the list, but it does also make the Russian a drunk, which is

a bit predictable and shit. Yes. You know, the German's like officious, you know, they're kind of like national stereotype stuff. But the fact that that's all like an all in good clean fun, right, where, and then it has some like actual malice in the middle um that's like very racialized that's not so good yeah um so i i would say i don't know it's not the worst we've ever seen but it's got to be high yeah five six five five feels better yeah i do a five uh unprovoked violence i mean

it's all cartoon violence more or less yeah like they're going through doors like no one's business it's well with the exception of the chinese people like no one is like out and out that's true yeah that's the thing though but when when they are they're just like shot and okay maybe it's not unprovoked but it feels like a massive escalation yeah like it's the kind of violence that we are meant to cheer on and think is okay. Yeah, or at least it's funny, you know? Which I think that's gotta get at a few points, taking it up to like, I don't know,

like four, maybe? Yeah, okay, pretty good at four. Yeah, I can see that. Misogyny, surprisingly low, I would suggest. Like, it has a woman with agency, there is another woman in this, but she gets like hardly any lines. Rosalind the... She's just kinda there to be there. But like, so having one woman, meaningfully, in the thing is like, perhaps not ideal, but

like, she's a fully fledged character with like, agency. She is. The only women who are allowed are women who are desirable which that's true the madam in the brothel and then the sexy ladies women definitely do exist to be fucked

in the world of this film including the waitress also true it essentially harasses the waitress I'd forgotten about that but I put a note in specifically that that was going to boost the misogyny score um oh do we think about four we've done we've done threes for pure omission i could see my way to five yeah okay cool this is going to be the worst scoring film we like like yeah we like this movie but this is this is score. It's up there with more Bonds that are like, the ones where we have a genuine affection for the old bastard, where he's like-

Very true. Where we're obliged to give it like a 27 on the misogyny score or whatever. That gives it a total score of 21. Wow. Which is pretty bad, and you're right, that is kind of in this sort of the more Bond era and the Lazenby Bond bracket as well Roger Moore's average

score was quite chaotic because Roger Moore alternated one good one bad yes I recall this same as License to Kill and No Time to Die it's exactly as bad as that I had a better time watching this than either of those same as License to Kill if anyone's curious and No Time to Die it's exactly as bad as that so there we go

I had a better time watching this than either of those to be honest yes that's very true I laughed I just wholeheartedly

depending on your tolerance for this kind of stuff I wholeheartedly recommend it in that sense yeah it was a good time with the exception of Le Racisme

Le Racisme also just like deeply funny to see Barry chuckle in a movie yeah it's a series of like good bits it would benefit from like a non-racist remake i feel yeah yeah we're really good like you could adapt this very very easily and it would be be very rewarding you know fucking stick daniel craig in it you know that would be yeah that

would be very funny as american bond oh that's solved it that would be very funny. As American Bond? Oh, that solved it. That would be such a funny joke. Time to form the production company. Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending. Yeah, let's just straightforwardly, that would be very funny. That's what it is. Alright.

Thanks so much for coming. Our next bonus episode, if you subscribe to the Patreon, is going to be, that's mine, isn't it? So it's going to be The Conformist. Yes. We're going to make you watch some more Italian films about masculinity and alienation. The next free episode in two weeks' time is Secret Agent Fireball

Christ alright well this has been a brief glimmer of daylight like the venerable bead you know life is like a sparrow that darts from the night through a well lit feasting hall and back out into the night so too is this movie

to the Eurospine Project for real is this the venerable bead reference. Yeah. What am I meant to say now? I'm meant to be like for real. Are you not familiar with that? I'm from the northeast. Of course

I know who the venerable bead is and of course I know what that quote is. I just didn't expect to hear it on this podcast. This is bullshit. This is for hogs this isn't venerable bead this is the fucking modern Cisco they can have a little bit of bead

if they want to as a treat thanks so much for coming please subscribe to the Patreon he has 20 million dollars he refuses to elaborate if you listen to the Patreon already then you understand why that's funny you will get this joke subscribe to the Patreon

to get our jokes thanks so much for coming bye bye thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond in two weeks on the free feed the next episode will be Secret Agent Fireball. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, we have a Patreon.

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