Kill James Bond! - S3E7: Shots in 3/4 Time

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

This one is inexplicably a spy movie funded partially by the City of Vienna for tourism purposes. I say 'inexplicably' because Vienna looks like an absolute heap of shit for the entire movie and I can't imagine this made anyone want to visit. ------ URGENT APPEAL FOR ACTION FOR PALESTINE Aid is not getting in to Gaza. There is no donation link I can provide here that will help assuage the ethnic cleansing we're all bearing witness to on our phones. The UN and entire international community must step in and hold Israel accountable for its ongoing genocide and relentless war crimes against the Palestinian people. The time for action is now: Join a solidarity protest, write to your MPs, do anything and everything in your power to disrupt and sabotage the machine we're all a part of that creates Death.  If you want somewhere to put money, some UK activists have been disrupting arms manufacturers that supply the Israeli war machine, and any donations go towards their legal funds, and the legal funds of activists performing actions like this in the future. palestineaction.org/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

I can do it, baby! Easy! Not even difficult. They're saying it's entirely thanks to us. Yeah, really? Single-handedly saved the American movie industry. It wasn't, you know, organized, labor, and the commitment of a lot of activists,

and a lot of, like, working actors and writers, and, like, allied trades, all pulling together to force the studios like working actors and writers and like allied trades, all pulling together to force the studios into making concessions that make working in Hollywood possible. It was us three. And you know what, you're so welcome. When you're going to watch, like, you know,

killers of the flower moon or whatever, just like on, on, you know, killers of the flower moon or whatever, just like on, on, just have on your lips, a little whispering. Thank you, Kale James Bond. And you know what? You're so welcome. Yeah. So if you haven't heard, the WGA strike is over, the WGA got everything they asked for, the SAG strike is over, actors got everything we asked for. And that means that if you're in the AMPTP and you're listening to this, I just want to say one thing, which is where friends now. So please, the higher up all of us, we are back to being friendly with our employers. We love producers, we love casting directors, we love making movies, we love working.

A few months into next year, IATZ, which is like electricians, life and tax. All guys who have not been able to work during the strike, but have not themselves been on strike. Like a body of mine, Adam has been in this situation. Like the second this strike is over, all of these guys took the guns out of them, owls, and they're like, because I, because I artist contractors up in a few months. Oh, yeah. And once that contractors up for renegotiations, we might find ourselves back in the same situation. And we will have solidarity with them.

That's right. We will have animators. The animators are like their contract negotiations is up towards the middle of next year. So, you know, the season of solidarity, I, the thing is, I really haven't been enjoying watching Euro spy movies and I want to keep doing it while we queue up the next thing. I have, I have big plan for the next thing. Right, I'm really, really excited and I can't wait to share it with you. We're preparing a separate crew

and preparing a elaborate scheme for the next thing. We're putting a team together, but while we do that, with a little help from some old friends. Yeah, I would like to keep us going with some Euros by. And then after that, we can dip into it whenever there's labor unrest that requires us not to watch American

movies. Yeah. Having given that nice little homily about how nice it is to watch your movies. You're a spy. You're a spy. Let's get into this fucking dog shit. Oh, alright. Good and tired, leave a listener.

Never said they'd all be good. Yeah, cards on the table, right? FX18 is maybe the morally worst Euro spy movie we've watched. This is the worst in the sense of being mediocre. In the sense of their being so little to it, that on watching it, on finishing it, I was like, yep, you're fulfilled all of the parts of the formula. And now I have to try and take it to my friends and together turn it into something that's actually entertaining

which you failed to do. It feels like a comedy podcast about this. It feels like this movie was assembled by an AI in the like a kind of Tixle of the boxes, but just feels like she's so. So this is this is Schuss in dry fear, tacht or shots in three, four time or spy hunt in Vienna. That this is too many titles. Also, list is, you know how the previous year of spy movies, you've been saying that we've been getting a crash course

in film studies by watching a movie where like one person didn't turn up to work and it's a different person on the crew each time. I think last time it was the moment to moment editing. This movie, the scene to scene editing, is the problem they did is really bad job of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, sort of everyone in a lot of ways. This is a German Austrian co-production, largely funded by the city of Vienna. Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, Vienna City Hall paid for a lot of this. Oh, it's a tourism flick. Yes, yeah. It does Pierre Briece, who was in this weird kind of like Jerry Lewis situation where he was like a French actor who was really popular but only in Germany. And he mostly did Weston's where he played a native American. And this is going to, this is the most German sentence I can possibly say to you.

He played an Apache chief in a bunch of adaptations of German Western novels whose biggest fan was Adolf Hitler. Karl May, he did a bunch of Karl May novels. It's time that Adolf Hitler was the fan of American expansion against the Degeneres of America people. That's crazy. What do I? That's crazy. That's crazy, right? But yeah, but this guy, Pierre Brice, he also did a couple of spy movies and a couple of crime movies. And this is technically one of them.

It's on the list. It's a crime movie, really, more than a spy movie. Yes. It is. Because those genres were quite strongly co-located at the start of this. That the spy thing only sort of found itself bearing out

Later, which means that we're stuck with a lot of crime shit happening in this one but fortunately Because it is it is a euros by movie. We do start with something familiar. We've got clearly a double-on-one Yeah, these days These days they won't Yeah, me too. I was like too obvious a to car for a double or nine. Oh, yeah. Red in the seal. It's over for you.

But this is the thing these days, they won't let you be an anxious looking middle-aged man driving a silly little sports car around the center of Paris because of wokeness. It's, he's driving like a silly little red sports car. He's being chased by a sick black Citroën DS. The thing I always thought of as the Spy car. It's France in the 60s, so they've got the yellow headlights.

It's aesthetic as fuck. The theme song's playing again classic for this. The theme song, kind of, no, it's not great. Moderally funky. It's a bit of moderation in funk. Funk, but brackets German. No, it's not great. Moderally funky. It's a moderation in funk. But brackets German. German, German Austrian.

Is the funk, do you have a reasonable allocation of funk at this point? Oh, welcome to funk. Yeah, but German kids don't call on it to go further. He's just like, real common dust funk. No! It's real common dust fork. It's not common dust fork. So the thing is, right, doing this podcast is fucked my brain. I had a client of funk. It has broken my brain because it leads me to write sentences that any reasonable person

would look in my notebook and go, these are the ravings of a lunatic, right? Because he, the 009, he gets out of this chase, out of this car chase. He might not just says they double-own-mind him on a Parisian ski lift. Yes. Why is there a ski lift in Paris? Who's skiing in central Paris?

He gets on a ski lift that runs from, I guess, more March down the hill. And it's like the Emirates cable line. It's like, I don't know why that's there, but it's there. If you get on it, if you want. Yeah. He takes the Emirates cable line. They do him. Someone sites him out that it's a JFK style double-own-ining. I don't know. He's on the phone to someone, he's got a case

and the guy on the phone is like, right, drop the case when I say so, drops the case and then the guy's like, anything else and you see him getting lined up and the guy's like, yeah, I can do you. He's done double-o-nine, mean. A bit to the left, which is Stone Cold thing to say to a guy that you're about to shoot.

Mm-hmm. And then they take him out JFK style. A guy with a sniper rifle just shoots him. Not 100% JFK style. It would have been a lot weirder if JFK was writing the presidential ski lift when he got assassinated. But like, yeah, slowly taking the ski lift by the Texas books.

America's first double-oh-nine president. I think I perhaps Lincoln was America's first double-oh-nine president. That's very true. I'm putting my minute double-oh-nine representation. Garfield McKinley Lincoln. This has ruined me, man. Because most films, most cinema, most TV, when you actually look at it, kills a guy before the title sequence to establish threat.

And we are now completely incapable of not seeing that and going, I guys, 009. We can't take it seriously anymore. Yeah, I watched the hell raise a reboot yesterday and the guy that gets killed is like a young male sex worker. And like the entire time I was like, that guy's 007. It's a shame, but he's gonna get done in here.

He's 009, you mean? 009. Oh yeah, no, you're not a 009. You have to be nervous about it too. You have to know it's coming. You have to be chased and then murdered. Well, when we're chased, if you're the next one. So he gets 009. And then we get the titles.

This is the best bit of the movie, the title sequence, which is a bad thing about a movie, but heartedly disagree. Right. Because what they do is they use gun as an instrument. Yeah. Yeah. It is in three-fourth time. Like, what do you want from me?

It's really, I like it when somebody plays the thing. I was grade five gun. The one guy in the fucking orchestra pit with a fucking light. Really I like I like it when somebody plays the I was grade five gun The one guy in the fucking orchestra pit with a fucking like Stood me up at my gun recite my mommy's the main practice gun every morning I've got to shit that it comes with different length barrels What do you got like the PM is somewhere you've got a silencer. Listen, Robert Rodriguez made a series of movies illustrating why gun is a terrible instrument and this movie just proves it. I like it. The title sequence is cool. It's like all the credits

are being projected onto surfaces that then get shot in time with the music. And also we're back to a classic bit of bond opening, silhouettes, silhouettes, sex traitors. It is very funny, but like every name that comes up gets shot. It goes on for like 10 minutes. It is much longer than it needs to be, I will say that. It's like an American politician shoosing the Affordable Care Act in an ad.

It's like, fuck these credits. Sound design, fuck you. I like it. There's a number of shots where I think a shot and it pauses while it's being shot and then the credit comes up and it gets shot again. I don't know. I like it.

They're playing around with it. I wish they'd kept playing around instead of making the most by the fucking books, by movie I've ever seen in my life. They do shoot a clown in the book. Yeah, worrying amount of clowns in this sequence, I wrote that down straight away. I was like disturbing.

They just sort of signifies to you that there will be clowns in the film. I hate to see that. But that's one of the things that you don't like to be signified is the existence of the clown. This is the most clown-dense film we've had in a while. Yeah, I mean, obviously, Octopusy does some clown behavior. Yeah, he clowns.

Like, that's all in the final act. This is clowns the whole way through. Mm-hmm. The same sense of dread as if you're watching like a Bond sequence and he's falling slowly and surrounded by a shitload of clowns or something. You're like, oh no, it's gonna be, there's gonna be fucking clowns in this one. Give me a word if throw us a clown.

So, just as I write down, stop shooting things, you maniac. We hard cut out of the credits. Yes. Like, instantly, thanks. And we go to Paris Airport, all the airport, because you can't make these movies without the 60s explosion and air travel, you know? Yeah, because the child's the goal wasn't built yet. Yeah, and

1960s woman dysphoria strikes immediately like to the second despite the fact that this is a woman who is wearing a hat made out of desiccated coconut. Yeah, not entirely sure what the fittest here, but this is money penny, basically. Yeah, she's a captain though, which is, you know, dude, fucking, you know, I appreciate any woman with a rank, especially in offices, rank, especially captain, because the only one.

Frank Sense. Money penny. All right, terrible. So, our boy, Pierre Brice,, Philip Taylor in the English dub. He appears and this man is very unfortunate. This man looks identical to Zach Braff. This James Bond here played by JD from Scrubs. The real Prince.

Zach Braff. Oh my goodness. He looks exactly like Zach Braff. Oh my gosh. Yeah, no, I don't know. Exactly like that. Oh shit. Yeah, no, I don't know. Oh no. And in this, let me tell you, he's wooden. It's just, he spends most of the movie in this shitty, shiny raincoat.

He's basically a private detective. Someone calls him a private detective at one point. He doesn't even bother to give him a number. He's barely a spy. But he gets off the plane and he's like, hey, money penny, what's up? Why have you summoned me back from Casablanca where I've just been like fucking around?

And she's like, oh yeah, don't worry about it. Oh, the scene's just padding. I'll take it. Yeah, take it. Also, he's, he's, dude, got a very funny line where he says, how did you get my address? And she says the Russian embassy told us.

It's quite like, so, so we meet M. M is sort of, oh, old man, with a monocle and. And the desk. So, you know, he's not, it's not a pipe, it's a cigar. And I know this because he puts the cigar to his lips. He like briefs him. He's like, yo, Duffalo 9's got Duffalo 9. And then, and then the English dub just runs out.

So what he does is he hits the cigarette that makes you speak German instantly and it sounds like this And that noise that is him popping the cigar into his mouth It was very normal. And then I smoked on the cigars and makes you German. So M.M is heterochromic as well. I know it's say this M.F. heterochromic and heteroglossal. Now, I need I need to provide an explanation here, because this is actually not authentic to the movie.

This is an artifact of the version we have, which means obviously we can't criticize it, but we can use it to make jokes because it's a comedy podcast. But this is, I got an email from a listener who showed no most in the discord who said, I had to put this together. I could only find a good quality German version and an FX-18 quality English dub with missing parts. So we've got the dub, and then every bit that that's missing, it hardships into German.

There's been translated for us by another Discord user, from Slasers. So here are the subtitles. Perfect, thank you so much. I love our podcast that has held together with chewing gum and strength. Thank you so much. Yeah. He like, he takes his like, by the way, insanely cool hand-cranked wheelchair over to a save. Yeah, he does. Get some documents out of the safe. Hand-cranks his way back over. And then he touches the cigar again at the exact

time. Every time he touches it, the language has changed. And there's this moment where I felt like I just like because he touches the cigar and it goes to this. There are, we're seeing a great deal of a second to fall in, named Claudette Cudney. Yes, and there are some German subtanniously. I would hate to smoke. This thing, God, that makes you speak two languages, simple things. I've got to tell you, this is the last thing you want your boss to start doing when you're in Paris. It's a hard shift into speaking German. No, I don't wish that language is a pass. Oh, fuck.

So the guy explains to him in two languages at once. This guy, 009, he was a weapon scientist, and the weapon that he was weapon-earing was this, like, missile guidance thrower off the... It makes rocket fall down. Yeah. It does makes rocket fall down. Yeah, it does make rocket fall down And it's to call them fucking McGuffin device, right? You have to go and find it You have eight days. Doesn't say why he's just like a dead lightens guy, I guess

Also Alice this is a joke just for you, but I just realized I shouldn't have said hetero glossal I should have said hetero linguistic Because that I should have said hetero linguistic. Because that would have been funny. It's fine. I think we managed. But yeah, that should really was just for me. It's so much so that we can toss it in fact. No, no, because hetero glossal keeps both halves of the word in Greek, which is why I coined hetero glossal vision. a glossary will keep us both halves of the word in Greek, which is why I coined. Patrick Losselvich.

Oh, yeah. Patrick Linguistic mixes Greek and Latin and therefore is finally a linguistic, which is my name. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Keep all of us. All right.

That was good. Thank you. So this guy Philippe Tisso, it's like you got eight days. Just. Sorry. I get a point. Different one. You got eight days. Just, I'm sorry. I get a point.

Difficult to keep track because he explains all of this twice in German and English at the same time. Ganges and artifacts. So I just also hetero-glossural Alice is a portmantologism, which is the portmantel. I'm for my own. I'm not just. Can we get this one like a shot collar or something? Yes, please. Yeah, that won't help the fucking. So for my own, you're just like a shot collar or something. Yes, please.

Yeah, that won't help. No, I've made the situation worse is what I've done. It's still a live podcast with shot collar on for charity at some time or so. Sorry, sorry, that's enough classical education jokes. Yeah, Vadez, he also gets in the code name Caesar, never comes up again. No, Caesar's the codename Caesar. Never comes up again. No, Caesar's the guy we're hunting. Yes. Yes. Yes. So whoever has the device, whoever 009, 009 is codename Caesar, find them, get back the

device within eight days or you can tell this because the entire rest of the movie, our maker, it's just like casually mentioning Caesar around everyone that he suspects might be the guy to see an reaction. Okay. So, next location, you got to go interview this guy, well, this woman actually. This trapeze artist. Yeah, this trapeze artist. And immediately a second 1960s woman strikes the movie because man I just I

1960s woman dysphoria why can't I get my hair to do that why can't I just no way to do it I'm sorry that's lost technology it doesn't it's crazy there's a there's a last later on with the coolest hair I've ever seen and it's just perfectly maintained the whole movie. Yeah, yeah. So this woman, she's a trapeze artist and she has her husband, Pierre Gilbert, with her. And let me tell you, immediately you look at this guy and you're like, that's the antagonist, that's the guy, because that's the like second best actor in the movie. What I like is he walks into this room and says to a woman, God, are you being this coming?

And think of the belief. Just fair enough, I swear. Yeah, yeah. Not a gum of cop and he's like, don't worry, I'm not actually a cop. I'm a prime investigator. But again, this is'm not actually a cop. I'm a prime investigator. But again, this is supposed to be a spine. She knew 009, she was 009's lover, which I think is the first time a 009 has ever gotten

Percy. Yes, true. Offscreen Percy, but nonetheless. The best kind of fact, I don't even know. And she's sort of like exasperated and Pierre is a stensibly supportive and she's like, listen, I'm being very mysterious about this. I will tell you everything that I have to go on stage right now. And once I'm off stage, I will reveal everything.

I just need to go into a second location and stand there for a bit. And then I look at the comeback. And you're like, we understand that she will be killed during this period. Yeah. Additionally, all the shots of what's happening on stage at the moment are shot from stage left. And there are guys in green dancing, not really very well at all.

A cosack dance is, yeah. Yes. So this lady and her husband, that has been a job of cosack dancing as well. It's true. I don't know how I could do. This lady and her husband are... That has come to a job of course, Act Dancing as well. It's true. I don't know how I could do. This lady and her husband are trapeze artists, they're trapeze words.

And they go up on the trapeze platform, question mark. And then she gets shot off the platform. And the band strike up a hilarious tune to try and cover this. She, she, she lands in the Ampsha death pose as well. I mean, the editing is fantastic because she does the like, actually swings back and forth and we see the whole thing and then they land and they go like, eh, and then it cuts

back and they're doing it again as a good time. And it's just the same shot, but they just put it in again. Very easily pleased crowd. Yeah. Yeah. She just gets killed immediately. Yeah. And we hard cut to snipe so again on the train to Vienna

with her now widower. Yes. And Bond, Philippe comes in and obviously the shock of having seen this woman murdered in front of him has caused challenge to this guy. And it's like, he sits down and he's like, it's Will Comma Dustful. Will Comma Dustful. Your wife was cheating on you, by the way. And he's like, yeah, I know. It's my fault.

I drove her away, whatever, I don't give a shit. There's the only good line in this script where he's like, yeah, you just, you don't, you can't cheat on someone you don't love. Yeah, no, he was like, listen, I think we work together. All I gave her was discipline because of our, our profession here. So naturally, she's sort of comfort in someone else. I'm upset about it, but I don't blame her. He's reading a copy of the ethical slats. Yeah. Great, but it's a, it's a, it's a good line.

It's a terrible ethical principle, but yeah, the philosophical carcorder. Yeah. Basically, this guy is a good person. He's just like, it's fine. You know what? I'm upset about it, but I can't find it in my heart to blame her. And Philippe is like, yo, so your next performance was in Vienna. He's like, yes, it was. He was like, so, so why are you going to Vienna now, bro? Because she's dead and he's like just felt like going to Vienna Second book the hotel man. Yeah, I'm really beautiful. I might as well have a holiday non-refundable Have a kind of whatever the death version of a honeymoon is It's like I'm gonna just gonna go and see if I can pick up a new wife. It's not era

And it's like whoever whoever Caesar is he probably killed your wife And so you're now in danger, and in order to stress the danger that you're in, I'm gonna ask Switch to speak English. But only briefly, because at this point, he's attacked by an assassin, and the shock makes him switch back to him. Every time this guy gets ahead and dreethe

he changes the language. It's just speaking like language Switch on the back of his head. But yeah, so the, you know, the Masked Gunman tries to like assassinate him. And you know how badly you have to shoot a train fight for me to be bored? Like, I mentioned this in the Bond movies. I love a train fight. Well, my ideal, like, locations for a fight. And one of my ideal activities on a train fight. Well, my ideal like locations for a fight and one of my ideal activities on a train fight, you know?

Number two of the activities I'd like to do on a train. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. There's just a shot color. But yeah, no, I'm just bored by this. It's just it shots so limply and confusingly.

But the assassin runs away and so they follow him into the dining car where there happens to be a friend of Gilbert's. His name is Renato I think. Yes. Who says, yeah, he's a clown. He's a clown. He says hello in English, then they switch to German, then they switch to English again. Yeah, this does not get any less distracting throughout. I'm playing the movie as always. He kind of commiserates with him. He's like, man, sorry, your wife got shot dead on stage. My partner missed the train. He's going to be flying down. And at this point, someone hits the emergency stop. The train grinds to a halt.

And our boy, Philippe, runs to the door, sees a guy take off into the night and goes, fuck that guy. Straight up doesn't care about it. Like, you see this happens twice, is like after they have, when they chase out of the cabin of the fucking train, this guy is running down the rest of the corridor

and you see him continue running in the background and it's like, these two guys just like, they're like, yeah, right. He's like, yeah, no, I'm fine, man. I don't know, it's like, Jason! Yeah, what are you, he's right there! He's trying to start a chase sequence. Like Daniel Craig Bond would have busted through a wall

at this point to get to this guy And he's just like, I'm not wearing running shoes. I was gonna leave it. I respect that immensely to be on Swapy. Yeah, this doesn't bother. It's like, I would have rock-catch him later. So they get to Vienna. And in Vienna, he gets into the station. There's a little code phrase with a guy who's like, yeah, your contact outside. Yeah, this is like like nice, portly guy. Yeah. Who goes, you guys outside, he's wearing a fur collar. And I immediately prepare myself for a, for, for like a sick outfit.

I was not allowed. And lounging against a chevrolet in parlor is the fur collar spy twink. Oh, so James McAvoy and Atomic Bond brackets, not scruffy. Yeah, unbelievable. Just can't pure can't crazy. He's serving is the thing. This is Josh. Josh, you are, I think.

He's called Josh. Yeah, I call him Cuntie Josh. In my notes for the entire movie. Cuntie Josh, it is. Cuntie Josh, he drives really fast as the other thing about him. And I'm like, man, okay. Um, being normal, being normal. Takes him to an art museum where everyone is a spy.

And Bond, I'm just calling Bond, he stands in front of a painting, which is a secret door. So it's so fun. His contact in the fucking airport, the guy he gives the code phrase to is like a portly man. All of the spicy meats at this fucking gallery are portly man as well. It's like if it's like John Wick, except if everyone who is in on the conspiracy was just like a big guy. Yeah, sort of like a BMI limited society of the crossed keys.

Yeah. Yeah, the guys that have the coins. Yeah. So at this point, I want to say something up here, because you get shown into a fancy secret office that has, I have like a big mirror on the wall. That's like a touch to a door. There's something behind it.

And he walks up to this. He's very weird to have a mirror, like a big mirror hung on a cabinet door. Like this is like kitchen couch. and he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge.

And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge.

And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. And he walks up to the edge. with the angles, but no, actually, he opens the mirror to cabinet and we quite clearly see the camera, the Delhi and the camera operator who is wearing a brown shirt, I could tell you the colour of it because I fucking, you could fucking see the camera guy.

We watched the thing about us is that we, our film criticism doesn't always end into like, you can see the boom mic on stage, so if we're mentioning it, it is the most egregious shot of a camera guy I've ever seen. The next episode, the very next bonus episode of this, like we watched at like one of the most cinematic graphics we've come up to move. The previous one. Fuck. The previous, the previous bonus episode, we watched one of the like best, most cinematographically interesting movies of the 20th century, and then we followed that up

immediately with Guy Visible in Shot. It just, lightenshade. Directly filmed himself in the mirror. Nobody thought maybe we shouldn't do that. So real like Kiarah Skirra, you know, real professionals, they don't want take and one take only. So he's expecting to meet our man in Vienna. But instead, he comes a sexy lady who is the daughter of our man in Vienna. He opens this cabinet and like, sort of briefly uses the CCTV system to gather data on various of women, which is kind of non-sejacent at the very least. Then the second beautiful woman comes in. And the thrust of this scene, yeah, is, I don't want to have to work for a woman. Yeah. Because she explains herself, she's like, yeah, no, my dad is the Ali

Karen Bay of this movie, the like head of station in Vienna. Session Viviana. Yeah, for whatever secret service we work for. But he's been, he's disappeared. He's been captured by someone. We don't know. She just says he's away. He's disappeared. He's been captured by someone. We don't know. She just says he's away. Yeah, he's just, he's on sabbatical. We have a debt-pussyhead of station, but because I'm his daughter,

I thought I'd just like hang out and run shit. Everyone says I'm really good at my job. And it's just really like sad that she like, kind of has to plead for her own competence in relation to men, but also kind of weird her qualification for it is just like, that's my dad, like working for station V Vienna is like working for the Guardian. It just-

Yeah, that's really transphobic. So she's like, so you're the famous agent we didn't give you a number and he's like, so you're the famous agent, we didn't give you a number and he's like, yeah, I am. Because he switched to German. And then she said, we're going to help you track down the device. But first, I need you to fuck my pussy. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. She's, I quite like this, right? Because she does this hard sell for both Vienna and him having sex with her, right?

Like, I mean, obviously I admire any assertive woman, right? But like, she's like, have you seen our beautiful Cathedral this film was paid for largely by the town hall of Vienna? Also, have you seen my pussy? Would you like to? One of the greatest attractions in Vienna, you know? Yeah, it's like 10 meters

shorter than the I4 tower. And the cathedral is pretty good too. It receives visits from over 11,000 tourists every month. And the cathedrals pretty good too. Listen, you got to get your jokes in this way you can because they're not the movie fucking out. But yeah, so he's not interested because he's like, eh, gross. It's really like he's not at all seductive on the kind of like bond thing. He doesn't really like show any interest where

OSS Sunday sets that we've seen would have like non-stacouple of women personally by now. He's just like yeah soccer taught or whatever. I want to go to investigate this circus. Yeah, he says get me, she's like oh well, I'll get you tickets to the opera and I'll wear like a country dress and he's like actually I want to see the clowns. I want to see the clowns. I want to see the clowns. Yeah, he wants to go to this like shitty circus because that's where she's going to buy an gelbarra going to clown boy.

To clown boy. So this point, okay, this is. This is brother's brackets clown. This is when we get like the scene to scene editing fucks up. So he goes to the circus. We see a singer named Irina who is rehearsing. She's singing in both German and English, Kimpatra Chilal, which is really cool.

Yeah, she does a danglish sentimental baby, which sucks, and it does the whole song. I don't know if this is like contractual, or on her father's watch. Disagree, really liked it. I think you're just weak to like any kind of like torch singer. Yes, I think I am. So he meets the clown Renato, who says,

go to the hotel and meet Gilbert. Then we cut to the hotel he meets Gilbert and then they together go to the circus again. And I'm like, so you've just gone circus for two minutes, hotel for 30 seconds back to the same. I'm like, just editing, man. Just have Gilbert be at the circus. This was unnecessary.

You're going to save the whole day's shooting. I want a fucking waste of budget. That was. I do really want to talk about one detail, which is Irina has a husband in Rico. And in Rico, in Rico Enrico has some fits. First of all, Enrico is wearing a satin dressing gown with the name Enrico embroidered on the back, which is already powerful. But second of all, Enrico has his boys, his pit crew,

who are all wearing cable knit sweaters with Enrico embroidered across the front. I got it, Ged. My boys some cable knit sweat. This is my name. Who would wear a satin dress and gown? Who would do that? We're all wearing the cable knit sweaters.

May all say Daven. Ha ha ha. If I can get those, may that be very fun. Oh dear. I was really struck by that. It's very good. You love to have the boys together again. again, putting your name and big letters on your clothing is normal and cool.

This is also, I should say, the tame bear era of circuses with thoroughly and the like animal abuse. Oh, yeah, that's my first. This is best, there's elephants. Oh, fuck, I just remember something. Sorry, this is a complete tangent. But a couple of days ago, I was on a Zoom call for my, for a call, which is my, my tenets union that I do actions for sometimes.

And we were, we were planning the thing where we disrupted a, a senate session about climate change. Because the climate change minister also does housing. So we're talking about rent control. There was only one way to get to her. But when we were planning that, I was on the call talking about what we need to wear, like, you know, casual clothing, there should be non-descript stuff. And Owen, who is my friend, goes, well, Devon, what do you mean by casual clothing? Because I noticed right now you are wearing a hoodie with your name on it in block capitals. Yeah.

Listen to me, you motherfucker. The least op-seg anyone has ever had. Yeah, I can put together a full outfit. That's just how my name on me all over the place. It's like you're in primary school, where it's like, oh, make sure that like all of your stuff has your name and your class number and everything on it. Yeah, you're continuing that.

I am. I'm always writing my name on like my collar and things. And it's fucking moving. Yeah, the bond, whatever. He says to you guys, like, listen, you better not go to the palladium tonight, and then it does hard cut for two of them at the palladium, which I think is kind of funny. Yeah. Not intentionally, it's just bad editing.

Yes. So Bond wants to meet Renato's partner, Declownboy Henra, who allegedly flew down, but they figure out he must have taken the train, So he's lying. He's hiding something. They don't have like hands on planes. So they go and see Henry who is the sad clown in this clown double axe. And he says, oh, I've got a face, you know, the actor. He's got a lot of pathos. He says, look, I'll tell you what the secrets by information is, but after the show in the boiler room, meet me there. And I got to go to a second location and stand still for a bit.

Yeah. Come back and tell you everything. Just go to the like hitman assassination opportunity, stand under this chandelier. I'm going to go and talk to a bunch of people in really harsh tones, but that's about something unrelated. And of course, gets up, goes to speak to someone and is like, he's going to be in the fucking boiler room. They can kill him.

At this point, odd thing happens. So the elephant ring master, I was about to say the elephant man, but look, that kind of elephant man, the guy who is in charge of the elephants is of this guy. He's a good man. My elephant is easy. I don't care about that. Yeah. I can't quote from character elephant.

I'm really leaving any situation. I'm sorry, help her. The elephant's leaving. Yeah, it's like me joining the conversation. I have also decided to join this conversation. Me leaving the conversation. My excuse me, my elephants need me. But he's a friend of Gilbert.

And he says, you know, Gilbert, you shouldn't stay in the hotel tonight. You should come and live with me because your life might be in danger. And Philip says, yes, I agree. Gilbert is like, no, fuck that. At this point, Philippe just like punches Gilbert and knocks him out. And the elephant guy's like, yeah, cool sick. I'll take him back to my place.

I'm like, what? Now they're all in on it. Listen, they all want to take care of this guy. They're trying to protect him, but he won't accept it. It's like the non-lethal ending of that one dishonored mission with a party, you know? Oh, yeah, I'm just, I'm just dropping this guy off in the fucking boat underneath. Yeah, trust, I'll take care of him, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. I don't know about that. There's also a bit earlier, this guy is the most attempting to get killed on Motherfucker on Earth because like Bond visits him in his hotel room, he's like, got his back to the door and the door is unlocked. I was like, what are you fucking doing, man? They have a bit of like a gun pulling competition. And they're like, you won't fucking use that door. You're not fucking yourself here.

So at this point, Irina is, well, Enrico, him of the dressing gown, has to go out on stage. He is also a trapeze artist. There's too many fucking trapeze artists in this movie. And his deal as a trapeze artist is hanging upside down from a rocket, perfectly teaposing that's just doing like slow loops of the circus and every fucking person in that audience, this is the coolest shit they can see over. That was nothing to do before like Nintendo, there really wasn't. Absolutely.

The psychos actually abuse. Except Peter Filiere, as we discussed on the last bonus episode. Why is it that we have the bonus episode? We always end up talking about Peter Philly. So yeah, the guys from Station V Vienna show up, namely, what's a Vicki, Vicki, a Conti Josh in the rafters with a fur collar cigarette and a sniper rifle.

The sniper rifle, this is, I had to ask people on Twitter what this was because I didn't recognize it. This is a carcano musketo that someone has soared in half to do the like- I have a glass of that, that sounds delicious. But like they've tried to do the hitman thing of like you assemble the sniper rifle. What they've done is they've just taken an ordinary rifle and just had a guy with a band so just like chop it into halves. Really? It's awesome, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's so funny. Just got like a hinge on it, like, oh. So Jerry, who's like Vicki's right hand man, goes to see Irina, who's watching Enrico performance says, yo, if you don't cooperate with us on our mysterious plan, my buddy, Cunti Josh, is lining up your husband right now.

Yeah, it's the bit from Ronan, if you remember that, where the Matthew ice skater and up in the rafters, Cunti Josh is like, it occurs to me that he waited for the one girl to like stand still on top of the rupees before he shot her. Whereas Enrico is going round in circles, inverted T-Posing. It's a low confidence shot surely, yeah. I know, I think you just, you stay still, you just hold up, like he's gonna get back in,

you're just lying up to where he's been once, he'll get there again. Maybe it's like a dead shot type of thing, but it's like very specifically, this guy is only good at making shots against people who are suspended in aerial situations. Like, he's only like the trapeze or chairlift sniper. Oh my god, you're so right.

He only shoots for the fuckers. Who are off the ground. He will only shoot you if you're suspended from some kind of wire. If you walk towards him at a steady pace, he's fucked. There's nothing you can do. Yeah, because he's not specialized in like the same runs. And you will time it. And both your feet come off the floor. That's like a fucking standability, man. That's ridiculous. They worked out the horse several four hooves off the ground at one point because that guy shot

one of them. That's why he can never take out an elephant. They don't gallop. They only walk fast. So they successfully blackmailerina to like tell them where... Something. We don't even fucking find out what the fuck the blackmailer for. So funny that Kuntie Josh is the sniper and his like cover is that he's posing as the bodyguard for the private investigator that's here looking for the sniper.

Yeah, that is cool. That's fuck, you're only doing that because that's like a can't thing to do. I feel like a good movie would have made more of this, but anyway, yeah, really one of the nice ones. Bond has a bit of a gun fight. Yeah, he gets ambushed in the boiler room, but it's nice. In the boiler room. It's, it's, he survives, it's fine because they call it off in time. I think that's what

the blackmail was for. And then he leaves and immediately waiting outside is very, like, I won't be ignored. When are you going to fuck me? Like seriously? Because he's still looking for Henry, the clown. I mean, like, Henry the clown said he would meet me, but Henry's gone. She's like, instead, let me take you to a beautiful dinner and then fuck my pussy. Exactly. And she's like, well, what if we had dinner in German?

We get a whole full sentimental baby before, unfortunately, yeah. So you better believe we get a sentimental baby. So they go to a beer killer. And man, I, it's,, I. They have a date. I don't know what happens in the scene because this date is conducted simultaneously in German and English. Yeah, no, I also sort of didn't, didn't really get this one.

I have to look. I must have said something Rizful because now they're at her place and they shag. So no idea how this date went. She was already very strongly pro him having sex with her. So this is the thing, this is the error that movies make, is movies make us think that you have to go to the nice dinner and then fuck, but no, it's the other way around.

You don't fuck after a big dinner. No, no. Yeah, because you go to the big fancy dinner and then you're in the mood of the restaurant, but then you get on the fucking tube and you go back to your boss and you walk up the big fancy dinner and then you're like in the mood of the restaurant, but then you get on the fucking tube and you go back to your place and you walk up the stairs and heels and you're like, I don't wanna fuck anymore.

You fuck first, then go to the fancy dinner. It's smart, smart, smart. 100%, 100% big dinners, I'm bloated, you know? Like, fucking, don't touch me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then we lie down perfectly still for a bit. Yeah. Just to be fair, also my social techniques.

Yeah. Just like, I don't perfectly still. I'm a pillow princess, yeah, it's really fun. Oh, it's so sweet. She wakes up the next morning, he has ditched her. He has left her a country little like real to real tape that's like, yeah, because she was like recording hit. No, the tape was in the room and she was like recording,

what, I know, is she recording him? She was. Why was she doing this? Yeah, and like instead he just taped over that with like a little good morning message to her. Mm. What, I don't really understand why anyone did anything. He goes back to the fucking circus.

Yeah. And at the circus they're like, yo, second clown has disappeared. We're hemorrhaging clowns like nobody's fucking business here at the circus. Also they keep doing the do-the-doctin' other thing where they just blast the same eight bars of the theme song as he's sneaking around the circus. Oh, I've got that. One time, one time later on he gets cut off by his own theme music mid-sentence. He's like, where am I close? I better get close... I hate it when that happens to me.

It's like alarmingly loud and start like every time and it happens fucking constantly. So it goes to the circus arena is there. They're looking for Henry, right? But they get there and Henry's fucking dead. He's been poisoned. Oh, and then he looks at him and offers the immortal, immortal line. I think. Too bad he should've stuck the clowning. Huh? Ah!

I think he did, man. He was killed shortly after getting off stage from doing that very thing. He's wearing a clown's dress uniform like he's... Actually, why is he dressed as a clown's dress uniform. Like, she's actually, why is he dressed as a clown? Given the, he is one. Well, no, they mentioned that at the end because they mentioned that in the previous, previous scene where they were like, he's left and then they were like, he even went home in makeup. Like, he didn't even get changed. He wanted to leave so fast, but he's still dressed as a clown. That's true. That's true. And when he gets dropped off at the location, the abandoned fairground where he finds this dead clown,

the taxi driver. The taxi driver. Just has the strange and tight loud bias. Where he's like, I don't have the line, but he's. Oh, I got it in full. I got in full hang on. When he typed, he was. He didn't have the line. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. What any time he was, he didn't say it. I didn't want to ask him what he was going to do.

Here, you know what I think is, I ought to be committed. Yeah. It's kind of like the V&E's like talk sport listening cab drivers. Just like, yeah, I reckon I reckon I'm clans or it would be fucking institution wise. That's a lot of prejudice against clowns, but it is funny to imagine somebody who's like extremely woke about all other groups, but just hates clowns. Yeah, I'm a phobia, you know. That was the 70s, V&E's version of trans people.

They're just like fucking clowns sneaking into non-clown spaces. You can't, yeah, they're putting that on, you know, as soon as they get home, they take all of that off and then they just look normal. This is a parody of womanhood clown socialization. It's a parody of... I'm the people who are socialized as fucking clowns, I would tell you. To me, to me, everyone was socialized as clowns. This is the 1970s, Viennese version of Trans people, which was the 1960s Italian version of Blind people. We're really fucking struggling with this. Also, the thing is the door into the abandoned fairground

ground where he finds this dead clown, this is normal for my brain. It's just like every time he touches that door, it activates his theme. So he goes in the door and it goes. ["The End of the World"] And then he goes back out of the same door a minute later and it plays it again.

The theme song is just that again and again. There's nothing else. Yeah, it again. The theme song is just that again and again. There's nothing else. Yeah, it loops. A gunman attacks and Bond chases him outside onto a roller coaster. And I thought, oh cool, we're gonna get a roller coaster chase and then no, Joshy would just like shoots the gunman. Yeah, because he's off the ground now.

So, he went off on a roller coaster. Yeah, but no one's business. I don't even remember who this gunman. I don't think it's important. I don't think he matters. It's not important. It's also so funny that this guy sees Kante Josh there with a sniper rifle. And he's just like, huh, anyway, I'm going to keep looking for this sniper. Yeah.

It's not particularly bonn, but it is getting quite deeply Phoenix right, which I can get into. Vicki pulls up and drags him into a very perfunctory car chase, which then just kind of ends. Yeah, they shoot one of the tires out and just stops. You go this back to the hotel. The hotel where everybody speaks German. Yes. I really like this, this henchman who attempts to kill him though, because he understands

right. A normal henchman would come in there and shoot, stand perfectly still and shoot until he ever killed or was killed. This guy shoots three times, realizes he's missed all of them and lost the element of surprise and just hits the bricks. I like, you know, he doesn't get killed later on but still. Yeah. Dr. Chang. Dr. Chang. Dr. Chang. Dr. Chang. Why does this jump bump? This is why I say this film is AI-generated. My name is Doctor Chang. And it does, that doesn't sell that quite so hard, because what happens is this guy is trying to get into his door.

Like 007 is at home, bond is at home, and like he's in the hotel room, and this guy is like rattling the door, and he sneaks up to his door, and he like wrenches it open, like really door, and he sneaks up to his door, and he wrenches it open really fast, and immediately that. Guy standing completely stock still, and the second the door flies open,

he's like, My name is Dr. Chan. And then he goes, got the wrong face, on the face, immediately turns 108 degrees and leaves. That is the thing, right? The cold shot,

Dr. Chan, and it's not just because he's a doctor, it's not just because he ambushes Bond in a hotel, it's not just because he has a weird demeanor, but like the combination of all of those things is telling, he perfectly calphans this thing from the first shot, like 100%. He does. He does. The whole rest of the movie I'm thinking about Dr Doctor Jack. Because there's nothing else interesting going on.

Yeah, suddenly I'm like, well, who's this guy? He seems to explain Doctor Jack to me because he starts following, like, Bond starts following this guy. Yeah, around. I'm saying, Doctor Chang, like, hands off to a second Asian man. And then they go into the... And if you've seen the great spy chase, you understand. Yeah, this is just a thing, apparently. And so most of

flying Asians, because some more Asian dudes come down every staircase. And the worst part, this is the part where I stopped put my head in my hands and went, no, is this is unedited. This is what the music sounds like, as he notices that the guy surrounding him are Asian. Oh. You hear it come in, you're like, music comes Asian.

Oh, it's real fucking fast. So he's in the subway, surrounded by Chinese agents, I guess. He ducks into a pharmacy and buys loads of aerosol. And then- On the way, in the course of ducking into the pharmacy, I do want to note that he does the thing when he hides with his back to a door, but the door is made of glass. I also, yeah, he does. He does do the yeah, he did. He touched it. Perfect.

Perfect. He then throws the aerosol into a chestnut roaster to blow it up and create a distraction. And he pulls the chestnut roaster out of the way of the explosion. But he and the chestnut roaster are still the people who are standing closest to this. So it would hurt him and the civilian more than it would hurt any of the Chinese agents surrounding him. He does, he does ostensibly like suicide bomb subway station. Yes, but he's fine and we know he's fine because the next shot is his hard coming back to his hotel. Yeah, this will be the episode art. I won't work.

Covered in in a way that is uncannily reminiscent of black face hard cut to black face hard cut to Well spot peer mother fucker. Oh He goes ah I was looking at the chimney Just tactical black face Em calls and it's like yeah, remember that you're looking for a device remember the plot of this movie before you got all into the shit with Dr. Jack in the clown find the device don't let the Chinese get it also the Vienna office might be compromised and we're like yeah No shit. He's in black face the entire time during this cover. He does not wipe this off Back yes again to the fucking circus.

No, I watched this movie yesterday and I don't remember any of it. Yeah, it's lit off my mind like water off a dark, bro. Everyone's earnestly cut up about like the dead clown though. Like because we see the clown act is practicing. We've got a new, I've got a new clown. He's not quite as good. It's, you know. And so the conversation with M M has told him, all right, listen, you can't get them fucking device, the rocket fall down or a back. So you're going to have to like bid for it, like in that better movie, the great spy Chase. So go like secure bidding rights and make sure nobody

else bids. So he goes to the circus, meets the new clown, and then tries to like blackmail Irina. We do get a bit that kind of redeemed it a little bit because this whole time, I was like, fuck, we messed it around with these fucking clowns. What is this? And Bond actually says to Gilberte, he's like a traveling circus traveling circus is the ideal cover for espionage because you're always traveling from country to country. And like you people let you in because they understand that's your job. So he says, I think there is a spy or spies somewhere in this fucking circus. And I was like, oh, okay, that kind of makes sense now.

Yeah. I like Octopus he uses a circus to smuggle a nuke into. Yeah, he does. So he goes to Irina and is like, yeah, what the fuck? I know there's a spy somewhere in here. And she says, yeah, there is. I don't know who's pulling the strings, but I am definitely spying for someone.

I get my instructions anonymously, I do what they tell me. I don't really know what the deal is with it. Yeah, it's like fucking specter. There's a hidden hand. Yeah. Yeah. So Bond says, first of all, don't tell them that I'm looking for them. And then also tell your contact, whoever is that I want to buy that, tell Caesar, I want to buy the device. And lo and behold, she has a note requesting a meeting. You also then immediately find the note that he did. Convenient to do any of this. Yeah, convenient.

But Caesar has sent her a note saying, you're let's meet. So fucking bond goes to the meeting instead. And then we get the reveal that it's Vicki and Conti Josh and Jerry. Yes. Being Blackmail. Oh're being black, mate. Oh, no. Yeah, so, so what? Here's what happens here is we get the Uncle Chop, first of all.

We do. Classic stable, Nox this guy out. Uncle Chop wakes up. Wakes up getting groped in a steam room, which... He wakes up getting a threatening massage from a mongo. It's been a little bit it. It's been a minute. Post threatening massage,

they earnestly ask him to team up with them. Yeah, they give them a robe. Like they're like, they're like, oh, you know, this guy was straightening you out and then he just like gives him like quite a good massage. And you only straightened him out. Oh, okay. Just like, he looked very tense.

Our plan is to, we're gonna meet this guy. We're gonna knock him out. We're gonna take him here. We're gonna give him a massage against his will. We're gonna take his clothes. And then we're gonna say, where big black males we need to help. Why did you not just tell him that?

When you met him. It's complimentary, it's on the house, you know. The non-consensual massage is like an essential element of trade craft. Also, just to confuse him even more, we're going to keep switching between human and England. Like some shit that like some manchurian candidate shit that like the North Koreans did on captured US prisoners of war.

You see what I mean when I say it's like, this is an AI-generated bond film. It's just like, all the individual bits are kind of recognizable, but then you put them together and it doesn't make any fucking sense. Mm-hmm. But why did they just have a steam room in back of the, like, station steam?

Why did you spy on it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? This earnestly works for station viewers and Masou. He does it. He's like, Uncle Chop's in there. Like, well, we've got the Masou's today.

Do you think it would be nice? They're like, oh, he's gonna be so upset about the Uncle Chop. That's gonna have really hurt his neck. What if we like, you're gonna like, the tension between the chop. It'll prove to him that we've got, we're acting in good faith. We just get our biggest guy to massage him.

When he wakes up. He'll be in our self-made. What? Did you expense the steamer? What? Oh my ex-sets! Oh my ex-sets! It says, okay, we're being blackmailed because my dad, who's the head of station VVN, was kidnapped. So they go to the kidnapping spot, which I presume is in Germany, because we switched back to German. And Jerry says, when he was kidnapped,

he was kidnapped by a very distinctive red car. Oh, look, coincidentally, there it is. Pure coincidence, it's there. So they chased the car, they stopped the car, and earning the Kaufman star just that little bit more. My name is Dr. Chao. Here he is. Just keep running into this guy.

You can't earn. You can't. He's in more than one scene. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Sorry. He also doesn't destroy the tone of the film. No, because the tone's already fucked.

I mean, he's beautiful. I'm more than happy to the Crohnstein, but like the Kaufman is. If there is, we did give Oscar a fuck. We gave a Kaufman, by the way. We're giving a back- the Kaufman is. If Dennis, we did give Oscar, oh fuck, we gave a Kaufman, by the way, we're giving a back formed Kaufman for the previous free episode to the, to the Aqua car itself,

but very much did exist in one scene and ruined our lives. Mm-hmm. So Kaufman's turn just have to be in one scene, but I agree, I don't think Dr. Chiang Ruins, the tone of the film, I think he fits the tone of the film, which is eclectic. Anyway, they capture him. He's obviously a Chinese agent.

They have dinner with him in German. They say, you're obviously a spy. You're trying to get the device. He's like nine and then says, no, in English. At this point, I couldn't quite well, but you know what they don't do? They don't give him a massage.

They don't give him a massage. She's, what the fuck is this double-standard that you capture one guy and you give him a massage guy just clocks off, I guess. It's because of the uncle chop. This guy didn't get the chop, so he doesn't need the massage. He just walked in. This maybe get a phone call saying Caesar wants to meet. Thank the villain of this film seems to have some kind of plan Because the good guy knows Caesar is yeah, and if the so bond goes to me and it's fucking Gilbert He arranged his own wife's death and Henry's

For question mark motifs using the evil voice Like why did you do it? And he's just like she was cheating on me dude. Ah Better have a kill. It's like, oh, you bastard. You fucking shit. Whatever, he's a spy. He wasn't the ethical slut after all. He was the ethical slut. He was the ethical slut.

It's not the, so many people who believe themselves to be the ethical slut do turn out to be the unethical slut. I find that. I do my best. Well, not you, not you. What would I hear, you're a very ethical slot. Well, thank you. So yeah, at this point, the small gun fight breaks out. And the second someone lets it bark to Viennese cops.

It's so funny. Because like the Vienna like town hall, right? Well, like, okay, we must, we must show the extreme efficiency of our police force. And so the second gun to happen, it's like fucking cyberpunk two cops spawn in around the corner in a shitty little VW beetle. Yeah, as born, does you by a struggling for a gun, it goes off and the cops say, I've done a rest.

Well, is that a gun shot? Everyone's like, it was a misunderstanding. You wouldn't even have time to call it in. Like, just a fan, so fun. So as you'll bear gets arrested and Philippe in fairness does deduce, ah, this must have been a cover to kind of get him away from us. Real cops.

Yeah. Fake, or defake cop. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Yasha is... Conti-Josh. Yeah, it's... Yasha... Conti-Josh is looking after Dr. Chang. And Dr. Chang, he's made some of some tea.

And Dr. Chang is like, is there any milk? And Conti-Josh goes to the drinks cabinet and looks at it in all earnest and goes like, no, which is just one detail. Just one detail to go to a drinks cart looking for milk is just perfect. Opening up a little globe to have drinks cabinets full of sour milk, it's gone off. The discussion about Josh reminds me of a comment we got a little bit to drink cabinets full of sour milk. It's gone off. The discussion about Josh reminds me of a comment we got a little bit ago that was like, remember the demolition man episode where we had the the profanity alerts for all of this?

Yeah. Multiple times we would have discussions about whether words like shit counted as as profanity, but as a fan points out we all said come at least once each and it never got mentioned. We did not even for a second clock the word can't as being profanity. It's quite funny. I have a story about the two actually. So like I'm I was in I was in LA a couple of weeks ago and Dave the CEO of Nebula was there and we were going to have dinner and he said, what are you going to wear? So that I can decide what I'm gonna wear? And I said, I have a dress that's like moderately conty.

And, and, and, A man opens. David's a cis-hat guy and he was like, what does that mean? And I said, ah, it's kind of like, like on the edge of appropriate, like serving con, and he was like, okay, I'll wear my conty tie.

Does that make sense? And I was like, not really, but cool. And then he saw the dress and he was like, okay, yeah, so I was basically giving David Crash Course in like what country meant? I said, there's like an audacity to to to to continue us. Yeah. I'm I'm allowed to use the word count anytime I want for two reasons. One is that I'm a trans woman and the other is that I live in Scotland. Um, so true. Well, we still did the profanity filter for like the ones we can say. That's true. So Dr. Chang, he poisons, um, I guess Rufy's, country Josh's tea. And then as soon as he drinks it, The drug sound effect, which in this case, sounds like... ...

... ... ... ... ... It's better than the spy who loved me once. A Conti Josh is knocked out, and Dr. Chang escapes,

and then watching on the CCTV, Bond is like, aha, finally, we knew he was going to make us move, so now we can tail him to season. But the thing is, right, Conti Josh, he gets up later, ah-ha, finally, we knew he was going to make us move. So now we can tell him to season. But the thing is, right, can't you, Josh, he gets up later and he's fine. Yeah. He drinks that. He doesn't fake doing it.

He knew that was going to happen. He just went out there to get roofied. Yeah, I hope so. This man, he knows every decision he makes is just like, what would serve the hardest for me to do right now? Like, what would be like? He is like a living version of the Blenciaga AI videos, but he's just like, even him like passing out,

he's looking down the camera lens a little bit too chiseledy. And you're like, all right, come on. Guess the rest of the day off though, after that, I guess. Like, he's not a real real real real real real real, honestly. So, they follow Chang-2, guess where? The abandoned fairground again? Just, well, we should have guessed that he'd be in that location because it's the only other location we've had.

Yeah, there are very few locations at this movie. Where it transpires that Gilbert has a bunker, like an old air raid shelter that he's converted into a lair. And we film Bond excruciatingly crawling all the way into event to eavesdrop on a conversation between them. And then all the way back out. And a good director would be like, oh, here's our hero. He's crawling into his unknown environment. It's very claustrophobic. We're seeing him the whole way.

We can really build tension with this shot. What we get is he crawls towards the camera and then lady crawls back away from the camera. And it's like you get no sense of anything. There is a detail that I like which is that when Chang is buying the The thing he asks him for a receipt That's fun Classic Chang move. So if I explain what the McGuffin is, by the way,

and it's like Miss Al's rock, whatever, it may squawk it, fall down. And what do you have? I was a million dollars in small use bills. And Chang is like, cool, no problem. So at this point, Bond and Conti Josh fight their way through three guards who we later find out are named Andre Gorba and Bob. Ideal team dynamic.

Now those are the type of guys that you get to gather and all wear a matching cable knit sweater with like, that's good stuff. That's good. A straight good. Gorba coded. So they confront Gilbert. Also, they rescue Vicki's dad at this point. Yeah, he's got a really nice set like 2,500 PCM. Bill's not included at cell.

So they rescue him. They confront Gilbert. Gilbert runs away into the roof with the device. Chan gets the device, but then Gilbert takes it back. Yeah, but I mean, what happens is that Gilbert, when held at gunpoint, has a being held at gunpoint alarm, which as far as I can tell, shots off the lights, drops an escape ladder from the ceiling, and also releases one jet of smoke that does nothing and is never acknowledged by anyone.

Yeah, listen. You try everything, all right? It just kind of like a lot. It's a bit of dry ice. I had the same setup for the force feminization I did a while ago. Yeah, would be a skate platter was a weird touch. So yeah, Chang, Chang escapes with the case. Yes. But then Gilbert steals it back and hides at a wax work. Let me see.

Yeah, the classic wax work, man holding gun. He tries to like imitate that. Yeah, not not trying. Although another thing that happens in a later bond film. So, now there's a lot of there's a lot of shots in three fourths time you can find in Bond movies. It's really echoed forward through the Eons this one. Then she'll back gets in a helicopter and I'm like, what, how does this guy have goods? Are they all clouds?

Oh, fuck, he's in the head. Sorry, I was, my last two notes are, this movie is deeply mediocre and then in full caps, no fucking way, lameo. And I've been trying to explain that to get to remember what that means. So first of all, he loses the McGuffin by the simple expedient of as he gets into the helicopter, he drops it and he can't be bothered to lean out of the door and grab it. I didn't even notice he dropped it.

He just drops it on the ground. It's like, like he has fuckingers or something, like he can't. And then he takes off some Joshua goes, listen, this boy, he's off the ground now. He's off the ground. I can take out a shit too sweet if you want. He goes, no, no, no, let me do it. See, hands of a rifle,

because they've all been shooting at this with pistols completely and effectively. He takes one shot with the rifle and from the very center of its being, this helicopter fucking explodes. It's just fucking gone, Tom. Instant explosion, hard cut to pass. Boom, cut. We did it, baby. We're lately done. The movie is over.

This is the thing. Do you remember the great spy chase? Right. Because they have for some reason, he's still in love with Vicki, you know, the fucking captain shows up and he's like, cheers, he's got the case full of Chang's money, his like, you know, $1 million and small bills. And if the best expression, the like happy ending of a French spy movie is your wife and your mistress are both cool with it, as it was in the great spy chase, the perfect German spy movie happy ending is you embezzle millions from work and no one knows. I mean, the ideal ending is that you have a million dollars and your wife and girlfriend are both and are both cool with it, which like, hey, it's a, like, we need to give this money back to Chang or whatever when you see it, and like his boss, Em is just like, you're holding

that, whatever. And like, we're rapidly oscillating between German and English. Don't care. At this point, he sets the case down to make out with Vicky, but pickpockets operate in this area and he gets changed on, last in a style. Dr. Chang walks fast, picks up the case. He's like, well, I may have failed my mission, but I still have a million dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, we'll always remember that he is. And, you know, we'll always remember that he is my name is Dr. Chan iconic line.

I don't know. That's approximately I would say the one line. Truly, there are no winners in love or except for Dr. Chang who wins easily. The movies are. This is like a match shots in three, four times. The great spy chase also ended with Chinese agents getting me up a hand, didn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, because that's the thing. You're at the hazard. Absolutely. We've got like a re... In the sitwash in now as well, I guess. We've got like a real paranoia about the east, but we're still like, it will win though. Eventually, that'll work.

Oh, yeah, of course, of course. Basically, you couldn't make this kind of movie unless you were like a Maoist third worldest. Yeah. All the dispossessed of the world here are taken by Dr. Chang. I can't take it. I can't take it.

Yeah. This is Dr. Chang's iconic cap. This movie was so mediocre that we're like desperately clinging to my name as Dr. Chang and being like, we could make 40 minutes of bit out of this. We can do it. We can do it. As I said at near the start,

the scene to scene editing is really bad. And that's like what order scenes come in and like which scenes are included and which scenes are cut. So we get a lot of cutting back and forth between locations that doesn't need to happen. Like we go circus, hotel, circus. Like it's just a very badly told story

and that makes it a fucking slog to watch. At least with like moment to moment bad editing, it can be funny, but like it's just boring. Yeah. Nice. There's nothing here. This is like absolutely mediocre. And I watched this and I was like,

the fuck am I gonna do any jokes about this? Yeah. Which, we, thank God they can't choose a language. They're, thank God for Doctor Chang as well. Yeah. You know, without him, we'd be fucked. And we don't need to just guess around

about how mediocre it is, because we've got a science-based system on this podcast. Oh, the Changs is good. Yeah, it stands for charm, as well as, you're insensivityivity and provoked violence and misogyny. Yes. It's called the scum. There's no end that I would have been chagged.

Moving on, we, the cunner ranged. We can finish recording and then we both get, we all get to get ahead on with our day, like the same. Okay, it's called the scum system. It stands for SMART, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny, how SMART me is this movie? It's got nothing.

It's got nothing going on. He tries, but like, does he, like he doesn't even have anything as busy as like the revolving chairs line, like he doesn't even try. In fact, he gets, she even sets him up occasionally, and like would you like to visit the great sites of Vienna, including my tits and

pussy? And he's just like, now, no, you never, you never, you never, he doesn't want to visit. No, he's visiting the art museum circus, circus, circus again, hotel, circus a third time, different, different, different, Circus. Glick is being an actual spy, terrible, zero. Cultural insensitivity. Well, zero for small, that might be a first, but like. I genuinely, I can't. I don't think he even tries. No.

Before we get to any of the real cultural insensitivity, I do want to say, despite them having paid for this, for the city of Vienna to go from the third man to this. And they referenced the third man a couple of times in this. One of the titles was Operation Third Man. And oh man, that's a comparison. It just... You don't think that kind of show? It doesn't hold up. It's brutal.

But yeah, it's pretty racist. But yeah, it's pretty racist. Is it culturally unsensitive to just suddenly start speaking German? If it is, we can't judge it, because that's not actually the movie. That's just our version. It's certainly like treats Chinese people not well. Don't watch this movie. This is another one of our big kill James Bond. Don't worry about this one.

Yeah, I would say in terms of like levels of racism, it's like equivalent to the great spy chase, but it doesn't relish in it as much, but it's just because it doesn't relish in anything. It's too like pro-former, form, yeah fine. Uh, unprovoked violence, I barely remember who shoots what. He does, he does punch Giel Bar in the face for no reason, so I'm going to give it a point. That's true. One. Oh, sorry. Can we get an extra point for culture? Oh, well, I guess he's not really doing black faces He no it's supposed to be like slab stick, I guess yeah, it's it's clowning. It's clowning. It is clowning

It is clowning cultural intensively clowns Yeah, I'm provoking violence one punches guy in the face. Oh, oh, dear guys. Listen, we're not saying this problem is this isn't the best movie we've ever seen. It's the most unremarkable. Well, it's like barely even a movie. Misogyny. He's having. He's firing wrong on all cylinders.

We're just wearing a woman. There's nothing like, I women, there's nothing. Like, I mean, women exist to get killed, I guess, or black mouths, or farts, but. Vicky survives and has agency. Yes, she does come into the movie like pussy out. And leaves it pussy out as well, because she ends up being the one that pairs up with one.

Yeah, true. So I guess he does get the girl, but it's not like that misogynistic. I don't know. The same I one. Two. That news, but... Oh my god, it's the worst. It's the best movie we've ever seen.

So that gets to the total score of 007, which... No, fuck. It means it's not the best movie we've ever seen because the born identity just beats it on six. Jason Bourne coming in at the last second to say it is one of the best movies you've ever seen. It's tied with you to a kill, which was the best one movie we've ever seen. It's tied with the born supremacy. It's tied with how to a kill, which was the best Bond movie we've ever seen. It's tied with the Bond supremacy.

It's tied with how to steal the world. You technically get away with not making a bad movie by not really making a movie in any sense of it. Yeah, almost want to give it like it did not finish, but it is technically a finished film. So... That's so funny. Yeah, guy. Uh, yeah, no, wow. So I don't just know that in a year's time,

when we're doing like, when we're looking back on these scores, we're gonna look at, we're like, shots in three quarter time. What the fuck was that? How did that get such a good score? I, again, I watched it yesterday, it's gone. I was struggling and yeah. Well, the important thing is that it's done.

Our next. My ultimate goal with this is, you know, I want to get to a point where if you watch a movie, you can search our backlog and maybe we'll have an episode on it. And no matter when we recorded it, it's going to stand up. You can listen to that and be like, this is a good analysis for this movie. I am not even remotely worried about anyone watching shots in three-force time at any point in the future. I'm being like,

and this episode of Kill James Bond wasn't that good. So, I proff, fuck off. It's not. We're doing our best, man. Our next bonus film is my... Yeah. And we are going to watch a problematic favor, mine. We are going to watch The Edge favor mine we are going to watch the edge written by David

mammoth in which Anthony Hopkins and Ali Baldwin gets stuck in the wilderness together and like have a lot of very tense acting scene we're going to go back for some more old man Hopkins it's going to be great doing it baby please please subscribe to the patreon Our next mainline episode after that is going to be, and I grimace at this one already, Agent 3S3 Passports to Hell. That can either, that's either going to be really, really good or really, really bad. Thank you for listening. We have been Kil'James Bond and we will see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Welcome in Dust Funk. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond.

Next episode in two weeks time is...um... Oh shit, hold on. This is embarrassing, because we actually have already recorded this episode. I've done a whole hour of talking about this. I just need to remember the name of the movie. I was completely gone, how about? That's interesting.

Ha ha ha ha. Okay, well, yeah. It's a good episode though, so you really look forward to it. We got Josh from Worstful Possible Worlds on. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, we have a Patreon where you can find bonus episodes on those interstitial weeks.

The next one is the Abbey's Pick, which again, I definitely remember the name of. Well, speaking of course of our beautiful patrons we will be nothing without our 15 pounds above patrons and those are Lohbyon Stottick and E. Fox Frey, A. Loisius, Kastavot, Lyra Jack Holmes, Mike Burghanna, Overhard, Nick Boris. Um, how are that? Nice to worry, Jason Harg, George Rohartowe Harg, Kentucky Friedcombe Cohen, and right drone lover Yarrick, Melody Moro Gonzales, a Labour-Dolender-esque, Callum Burnie, J. Martin, Deltrip, library here at Man of Max, Game of Heart.

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