Kill James Bond! - S4E10: You Only Live Twice With No Notes

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

Thats right, it's a kind of round number of episodes- which means it's time once again to take a crack at our original pitch for Season 2! This week, Join us as we cast our minds back to 1960s Japan and 2021 Britain as we attempt to remember everything that happens in the movie You Only Live Twice without rewatching the film or referring back to our notes. Can we do it? I don't think so. I don't think so. --- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. As you well know I've been working with a few gazan families to raise money for their daily living costs in the genocide. We're putting all our energy into this one campaign as we have a real chance to get Ahmed and his family out of Gaza. Please, if you can help in any way, be that by donating yourself or sharing the link with friends and family, it will mean the world to me. https://chuffed.org/project/124906-help-ahmed-and-family-evacuate-gaza ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Now what's the plan for me? First, you become a Japanese. Second, you train hard and quickly to become a ninja like us. And third, to give you extra special cover, you take a wife. Hello and welcome! 200 episodes, baby! The 200th-ish time I've said these words, another episode of Kill James Bond, I am November Kelly doing a little victory lap and I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail, Thorne, and Devon. D&E We are riding down the streets with laurel

wreaths around our temples, we're victorious, we have many beautiful galls in chains behind us. GOOSE Yeah, I'm taking a little break from my concubines to come here and try to remember what the fuck happens in a movie that I last watched in 2021. As is customary, we will be doing one of the original James Bond films without referring to our notes, just trying to remember what the fuck happens in You Only Live Twice. People don't remember this, but, uh, fissingly, actually, but this podcast is actually a part of a kind of neurological

study of memory formation that's been running for a number of years, uh, in coordination with a number of universities and research consortia. And so, part of that is to torment ourselves by making us, you know, crawl for three days over the big piles of money that we earned doing these, and see if we can remember what we fucking said about them the first time. So, yeah. M- Yes. I mean, this is actually, just for if we have some newer listeners, this is actually your

first idea for what we would do when we ran out of James Bond movies. L- Yes. M- We would just start again without looking back. L- I had quite a conceptual idea for this, which would've been terrible, but I kind of like it. How a podcast goes, it would've been awful, but it would've been a really interesting art piece to be a part of. The thing is, I wanted to keep doing this forever because I really enjoy it, and because

it pays my rent, so there were two ways of doing that. One was to do every movie, which is what we've elicited on, but the other was to just kind of do this art piece of, we just start again and we do it so many times that it's a copy of a copy of a copy, until it's just kind of a podcast of just us chatting. And that kind of, that interested me, but I'm really glad that we did every movie instead, because we really got to see some movies. Which we wouldn't have done otherwise. We do! Past tense.

We are. We are. We do. We will continue to do so. Yeah, this is our last episode. Oh god. No, it ends when one of us dies. We've discussed this.

Yes, that is true. Unless we can find a seasonally funny replacement. Yeah. Once we've ticked off every movie- Whoa, that's new! Whoa, I know it's replacing me. I think if I died, you could replace me with someone funny enough and it would be- I'd be happy to do it.

Oh yeah, let me look at my shortlist for people that are as funny and insightful as November Kelly. If you die, killing myself is gonna be higher on the list of things to do than replacing you on the podcast. Let's- this is taking quite a morbid tone. It's actually a fact, I should be clear here. Entering the recording with my suicide vest on to say if any of you die I'll kill myself, welcome to this entertaining comedy podcast about the movie you only lived twice.

Our lives are in your hands, you have to keep listening. Now. We've got the like, dead man switch, but it's tied to like, sponsor violence. Yeah. Yes. But downloads drop below a certain amount. It's like, speed, you know? It's like speed. Yeah.

So this is, it's a Sean Connery Bond film, it's the one where he goes to Japan and becomes Japanese, and I think, is this the one that starts in space? ALICE The drops are engraved over the inside of my eyelids so I can say from memory, welcome to Japan, dad is my little girl hot and ready. There's a line in this movie. ZACH You have helped me with quite a lot there. Yeah, actually, to be fair, I should put this up at the start of the episode just in case it doesn't turn out to be true, but I feel really good about this one. I honestly think I've got this one kind of there. I think it is the one that starts in space, because the Americans

have a spacecraft? It is an American spacecraft, yeah. And it gets eaten, it gets swallowed whole. By a big metal pack man. And then I remember a scene where there's a bunch of people from all different countries around the world, and the Americans are accusing the Russians, and the Russians are saying it's not us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's in the UN, and then the Russians also have a spacecraft get, like, vored by the same thing? Yes.

Yes. And they're like, it's not us. And it's the Brit! It's the Brit who has to be like, actually chaps, we traced the spacecraft and it came down somewhere in the Sea of Japan. We don't think it was the Russians either, old boy. I find out we had someone in Japan, and then we see James Bond... Yeah, they're like, our top man is already on it. Our number one fucking bloke, Sean Connery James Bond, in Japan, looking...

He's shagging. Terrible. Just awful as he always does. Is he in Japan at the moment, or is he in... Are you doing the fucking Professor X speak? He's not in Japan yet! He's close to Japan, it could be Macau, it could be like... First in Oriental languages at Cambridge?

China or Shanghai.hai yeah okay because he's not in japan yet he's not in japan yet yes he's in hong kong yes no no he gets killed he gets killed they do the first scene where like he's in bed with a beautiful woman the first thing he says is why do chinese girls taste better than all of the girls then a bunch of guys correctly respond to that by coming in with sub machine guns and shooting him dead. It's the difference between peeking duck and beluga caviar. Something like that is his line. They open fire on this fucking guy.

They spray his body with 9mm rounds, which is the correct thing to do. Because he's in a folding bed that folds up into the wall. She gets out of the bed. He gets stuck in the wall. The cops come in and they kill James Bond. And there is a newspaper the next day that says British naval commander murdered. A picture of his face on it. This will be important.

They have a funeral, and he's buried at sea about five meters offshore in Hong Kong harbour. They bury him in the harbour, yeah. And then some divers recover the flag draped coffin, open it up, he's in there with an oxygen tank, and he's scooting. I have a question. When they bury people at sea with the flag on, do they nail the flag to the coffin? I think what they actually do is they put the flag over it and then the coffin slides out from under the flag and the flag stays on the boat.

So you reuse the flag. M- I think so. S- Right, okay. M- I think so. Wow, what the fuck. M- Because it's in Master and Commander, right? So like, oh yeah, that's true. S- Yeah, so I remember.

I watched Star Trek 2 Wrath of Khan recently and they don't have a flag in that one. M- Difficult in space, I would say. S- No, they do it, they bury him, they bury Spock at sea, in space, and they just fire him out of the torpedo tube. M- I don't know if you can bury someone at sea in space, because like, Newton's second law, it's gonna be someone else's problem eventually, like, you're gonna be cleaning Spock off the windscreen, like... Well, he lands on the Genesis planet, which is why they'd stop it.

Fucking lucky him, I guess. We built this coffin to sustain re-entry for some reason. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, why did they do that? You think, well you could be buried at sea and cremated if they fire you into the atmosphere of a planet. Perhaps the Genesis planet's atmosphere hadn't yet formed. I wouldn't mind getting fired into the atmosphere of a planet.

Once I was dead. Like, once I'm dead you can do whatever you want. Oh, I'm not doing it a lot. No, absolutely not. I'm hoping I take someone out. You're doing Challenger mode? No, no thank you. Columbia.

What, Challenger mode where you die and then you have to fuck a guy to fuck Zendaya? Yeah, so they take him to the wreck of the Queen Mary one, I think it is? Mm-hmm. It's not, no this is- No, you're in the wrong film! You're in Man with a Golden Gun! That is a wholly different Jon- What? Fuck! Not a wholly different Jane Bond.

You're in Man with a Golden Gun, they take him to a submarine! No, no, this is just a submarine, they hadn't thought of it yet. And Moneypenny is dressed as a naval... As a wren, yeah. Wren! Wren is the word that you used. The women's Royal Naval Service. And then, permission to come aboard! Permission to come aboard, British Commander. M is an Admiral, he's in uniform. He is, he's Admiral Miles Memercy, he was in World War I, we know that for a fact. This is the first time we see the Connery Bond in naval uniform, and this is the first

time we get the Commander Bond. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The movie really starts with a navy. They never stop bringing up that he's a commander. So Bond, he goes to see Eminem, he's like, here's the deal with this movie 007, the spacecraft, something about Japan, just get over there and sort it out. Spacecraft question, question, question mark. Get a fuckin' Japan, dude. We're putting you in Japan. Remember to read Japan. Like, remember to learn Japan language. And he goes, don't worry about it.

But Moneypenny says that and then he goes, I've already got it covered big man. First in the Oriental languages at Cambridge. My first in Oriental languages at Cambridge. Yeah, but I first. Oriental languages. Ohio Gazanmish. Fuck actually got about the Ohio Gazanmish. They fire him out of the torpedo tube.

He somehow swims the thousand or so miles from Hong Kong to Japan. No, that's them firing him out of a torpedo tube at Japan. Yeah. They put it back into another coffin. Of all the things the Western world has done to Japan, firing a British naval nonce at them out of a torpedo tube is up there with atomic weapons. It is, yeah.

It's weird that we've done two movies in a row where dudes get, white boys get smuggled into Japan. It's a strange one to punch. I'll say this, he has a nicer time in Japan on his white boy sneaking mission than the 16th century Jesuits. Yeah. Andrew Garfield and Adam Deva. That driver did, yeah.

What does he, he fucking... He walks around Japan looking disgusted. Does he? I remember that. He looks so fucking done with this place. So he gets picked up by a girl. Kitty Suzuki? He goes to the sumo first.

And meets his contact. And the code phrase is, I love you. ALICE And that's Kitty Suzuki, the like, beautiful woman. RILEY Sure. ALICE I think. RILEY Yeah. ALICE Yeah.

And... RILEY I don't know... uh, does she take him to see Captain Henderson? Is that now? RILEY No, Henderson's their guy. Henderson's their guy, and they're like, we know at least there's one British bloke in Japan that we know of. Go ask him. That's your contact. That's where you get the must-excuse, this rather odd mixture of styles. Yeah, yeah. Yes. He goes to meet Charles Gray. It's Charles fucking Gray. Hello. And he says, hit the drum. Oh, you must excuse this rather odd mixture of

styles, but I refuse to go entirely Japanese. And that's such a weird gay line read that we make at a central pass of our kind of cosmology of the show. Yes, because Charles Gray was very gay, and a wonderful actor. And he's like, well yes, I think there is also- He's got like a full poster bed in a Shoji screen room, it's not that weird a mix of styles. Yeah. And he says, well here's the deal, I don't think it was the Soviets who stole the spacecraft

either, I think there's a third power in Japan, but I don't know who they are. EW! He gets stabbed through the Shoji screen! Through the Shoji screen! So he walks up behind the Shoji screen and just gets him through it. Of course! Yes! And Bond dives through the Shoji screen, gets this assassin, kills him?

Kills him. Takes his outfit, and his face mask. Because he's wearing a COVID mask. Oh! Yes. And he gets in the back of the escape car that this assassin rolled up in. Uh huh. So fucking right. Pretends to be injured, and is driven back to an office building? It's an office building for some company, right? Yeah, but like the fucking metals company or whatever, and the CEO of it is the guy

with the, with the mustache. Mr. Somebody believes in a healthy chest. Heavy manufacturing concern. I want to say it ends in Motto, but that doesn't narrow it down at all. Fujiho, I don't know. Hayamoto. I don't wanna guess a Japanese name. It's the office of fucking Ace Chemicals, yeah.

For one dollar name. Mr. Chemicals, yeah. For one dollar name. Mr. Chemicals, right. Yeah, he goes to Mr. Chemicals' office, he fights the goon, he hits him with a sofa. Yes, I believe that this is the point at which everyone is going through Shoji screens, because they've realized that they can do that. Hasn't he been to this office before and met the guys that later? No, not yet. Okay.

Not yet, this is the first time. Because I distinctly remember that Bond's cover at this point is that he's like a journalist, and like, met the guys that later. No, not yet. Okay. Not yet. This is the first time. This is still the night one. I distinctly remember that Bond's cover at this point is that he's like a journalist, like a press guy. Ah, no, he hasn't done that yet. Fuck! Okay.

He drinks, he takes out this goon and he drinks something from the fridge and is like, ugh, it's gross. It's like Japanese vodka or sake or something. He just slams a yakko, and it's disgusting. Tasting something probiotic for the first time in like 40 years and being like, Jesus Christ. I think this is the point at which Tiger Tanaka owns his ass. Because he gets dropped into, um, Tiger Tanaka's shit by a trap door.

Right? Yes, because Kitty Suzuki chases him around. Yeah, no, she baits him, you're so right, I thought she chases her, no, she's baiting him around a subway? Yeah, and then the subway floor drops away and he falls into a subway car where Tanaka is chilling. Yeah, he meets Japanese Em, who's like, my name is Tanaka, my friends call me Tiger. Do you enjoy Saki, if if so at what temperature.

And that's why I love Saki, and it's shoved at the correct temperature of 98.4 degrees fan at. Point four? Alright, keep going with the gold finger bit, I love when it's shoved at the correct temperature of 10,000 degrees centigrade. Please, I want to say it's like 98.4 or 97.4 degrees. It's point something, definitely. Yeah, he has it down to like a's like 98.4 or 97.4 degrees. NICCO It's point something, definitely. ALICE Yeah, he has it down to like a decimal, right.

NICCO Which is, shut the fuck up, though. ALICE Yeah. TORNADO I don't know what Tiger Tanaka tells him other than like, yo I'm Japanese em. ALICE He tells him that Kiri Suzuki is like his agent. TORNADO Yes. ALICE And that fucking there's something up with the Metals

company, and that he should go and investigate them. NICCO Yeah, there's something about the chemicals, go check it out, also I love you. ALICE This is when he gets to the cool white Toyota 2000 GT with the top cut off. NICCO Not yet. ALICE No? NICCO Because...

ALICE Oh, I've just remembered something! NICCO They have to take the train to Tiger Tanaka's island, where all the women are there in sphinxes. What, are we trying to end the fucking podcast in twenty minutes? Let's hang on, hang on a minute. Yeah, that's not yet. That's not yet. What do you mean?

Because when he takes them to the island, that's when he becomes Japanese. No, that's much later! We've fully skipped, he's elit- this guy's getting out of- he leaves the company, and there's a goon car. There's a classic goon car chase, right? I don't know if if that's yet or if that's the second time he visits the company. NARESH I swear that's the second time. It is the second time. ALICE I think he goes back to the company now. NARESH No he doesn't. First they go to Tiger Tanaka's home, and he's like, this is my home,

you can use all of this, including these sexy ladies who are here. ALICE You're so right. You're so right. NARESH And he's like, they like you because you're hairy, you're Sean Connery, you've got a hairy chest and he's like, Japanese proverb she, bird not make nest in bird tree. Horrifying. He does say that, yeah. Horrifying. Because Kisii Suzuki fucks him, she says, I will enjoy very much serving under you.

In Japan, men come first. Yes! Women come second. I think I might retire here. Or sometimes not at all. Yeah, that's an Austin Powers joke. That's Austin Powers, yeah. Fuck's sake.

And then he shouts Kitty Suzuki. Yeah. And then I think the next day he goes back to the office of Mr. Chemicals. Right, right, right. And then he- How am I doing this? I entered this podcast being like, I don't remember.

That's crazy, because I came in going like, I remember all of this. And I just said like, Abby, help me. God. Help me. Mr. Messel's right, he's got an office, there's a drawbridge over a fuckin' pool with like, fish in it. No, that's not true, that's not true. That's the Spectre base, you buff. What he does have is a redheaded...

He has an x-ray machine, yeah. He has an x-ray machine, yeah. Well remembered, and he has a big, titted, redheaded lady. He does, he has a huge... Spectre 11! He says, Mr. Chemicals, I'm gonna go with the Spectre 11. Spectre 11! Spectre 11! Spectre 11! Spectre 11! Spectre 11! Spectre 11! He has an x-ray machine, yeah. Well remembered, and he has a big, titted, redheaded lady.

He does, he has a special... He says, Mr. Chemicals believes in a healthy chest. Yes. So, like, he's x-raying Bonds secretly, and he discovers the Warthor PPK, so he knows that's fucking a secret agent. Yes, specifically that. And Bonds's like, I'm the machine, I'm pretending to be a... I'm gonna buy some chemicals from yous.

What kind of metal have you got? I'm pretending to be a secret chemical man. And the guy's like, cool, you like metal so much? My girl Spectre11, not what she's called yet, is like, she's gonna take you up in a helicopter, she's gonna fly you right over the metals, you'll see all the metals you want. Not yet. No no no. They the metals you want. Not yet. No no no, they don't go in the helicopter yet. Fuck.

Guns. He leaves, no, yes, I remember now, he leaves. This is the Goon Car. There's a Goon Car, there's a Goon Car chase, this is with the convertible Toyota. He leaves, the Goon Car like, crawls past him. Yes. Yes. Cause Kizzee Suzuki has to pick him up.

This is perfect, perfect Goon Car, it's the classic stuff, it's a small vehicle, every door is being lent out of by a guy with a Tommy gun. It's perfect. And they're being chased and then the magnet! The big magnet! Yes! Yes! Yes woman!

Yes woman! Absolutely! The guy in the car says if he calls it in on the radio, Tiger Tanaka's like, right, get the helicopter, and they pick up the goons- To get the big stupid magnet. With a big stupid electromagnet and they dump them- Yes, drop them in the sea. In the ocean.

In Tokyo Bay, yes. They're burying a lot of guys in the bay. At some point, Bond has to go to the docks, but I can't remember what happens before that. Oh god. Because he has to have the big shot, the aerial shot, the fighting on the docks. That is a great shot at some point in the movie. What happens to that? That's not the next scene, that's the scene after the next scene.

What is the next scene? Now let's think about this. How's that for Japanese efficiency? It's barely a drop in the ocean. Where are we going now? I'm gonna watch the next sheen here. I've never sheen someone go through the Connery Rolodex quite like this. Just pulling sentences.

It's frightening. I swear there's like a photo of a contact that he has to follow up on. Oh, God. Surely. Maybe. It's like, what do they get done in the meeting with Mr. Medals? What is the point of that? Sean Connery has gone there. It's classic Bond, like, I know this point of that? Why is Sean Connery gone there?

ALICE It's classic Bond, like, I know this guy's evil, so I'm gonna show up and provoke him. RILEY My name's Shmishchabond. Do you wanna show me around? I dunno. RILEY You don't have any crimes. You've been to space? Have you ever been to space?

At some point he goes to the docks. Oh, because, uh, rocket fuel! Rocket this- RILEY It can't melt steel beams, yeah! RILEY No, they figure out that there's a shipment of rocket fuel, because if somebody's doing space launches, they must have rocket fuel. Of course. So there's something about rocket fuel and a shipment of it to an island that takes him to the docks,

where he fights a whole bunch of goons. There's that famous helicopter shot as he's fighting dudes on the roof. He thinks he's gotten away, and then a dude in cut off denim shorts hits him with a pipe and he's knocked out and taken prisoner. And then they fucking... He wakes up tied to a chair, and I wanna... Fiona Fourbae? That's not her name, no.

Spectre 11. Spectre 11, the redhead. She's there in a sheer dress with an asymmetrical cape load. Yes, because you got really mad because he cuts it off. Yes, and she has a plastic surgery knife and she's like, I'm going to make you a surged up baddie. I'm going to give you FFS, crazy, unanesthetized FFS. You'll be fucking amazing.

I'm not going to bother giving you cheek implants because you don't need them. You're not going to have a fucking ounce of buckle fat on you when we're done with this. No, you're going to suck that shit right out and put it in pork pies, it's gonna be fantastic. Jesus. And then he's like, cause she's like, you're a spy, and he's like, well, almost, you see, cause I'm a spy, but I'm not a spy for the government, I'm an industrial espionage spy. Corporate spy. That's just a kind of spy.

I'm here to steal chemicals from Mr. Chemicals, and you know, why don't we go half these on me? And he seduces her, yeah, they have sex, he cuts the dress off. I'm here to steal chemicals from Mr. Chemicals, and y'know, why don't we go half these on me?" ALICE And he seduces her, yeah, they have sex, he cuts the dress off. RILEY Because he cuts her out of the dress with the knife. RILEY She has sex with this man. ALICE Yes. And then they get in the small aircraft.

RILEY Then the helicopter, yes. Yeah, yeah. ALICE It's a small plane, but yes. RILEY It is a small plane, fuck. RILEY It is a tiny little biplane, because like, something, like the tray table or something shoots across his lap to hold it in place. Yeah, it's not very effective as a restraint, but then she's like, goodbye Mr Bond, parachutes

out. And she's like, I'm gonna crash the plane. And it's just like, okay well it was nice seeing you fucking pun about flying or something, jumps out the thing, parachutes out. I think she's like, are you gonna give me some kind of protection if I do industrial espionage with you? And he's like, you won't need any protection, I never have protection. DARREN What? Busting with my gun. Where are you going? Oh shit, it's a good thing I know how to fly this plane!

ALICE Yeah, he has to like, blow it out at the last second, which does not help with not flightage plane, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr That's when he sees Q. Someone is here to visit me, it's fucking Desmond Llewellyn Q. Yes. And he's here with something. With the auto gyro. The yellow auto gyro. Yeah, cause- And it shoots a million missiles a second or something, which it clearly doesn't. Because in Thunderball we had the first Q on location scene, and so they're like feeling

themselves on this one. Mmhm. Mmhm. And he's like, it's an autogyro. There's a million shots of guys doing kung fu and then using the gadgets on each other or shit like that. Yeah, for real. Yeah.

Does he get any other gadgets? No. Oh, god. Okay, he's got, right, well, autogyro's a big gadget. Gotta be a full movie. The cigarette that shoots the dart! The cigarette that shoots the... The cigarette.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It shoots like an explosive dart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cigarette that kills you instantly, The cigarette that shoots the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, it shoots like an explosive dart. The cigarette that kills you instantly, yes! He gets it. That kills you instantly! This is where they invented it. The cigarette that kills you instantly! I think he also gets some kind of tracker, because he has to, for the next...

He's always getting... he's got like five trackers. He's getting tracked all the time, yeah. He's setting off car radios as they drive past. Then do we get the auto gyro helicopter fights? I believe so. Yeah, immediately he gets in the auto gyro, and it's all the same music, like, on repeat, I seem to recall. Da da da da da da da da.

Yes! Because the rocket fuel is being delivered to this island, so he's like, oh, go on. Oh, you're so fucked you, yeah, that is the music. Da da da da da da da da. Da da da da da da da da da. Oh, you're so- fuck you, yeah, that is the ALICE And then, but he still doesn't know shit, except that they're on this island, so that's when Tanaka is like, you gotta infiltrate this shit by becoming Japanese. SONIA I think that first of all we cut to Spectre.

I think we do. Because I think this is the piranhas scene. ALICE Oh you're so right! Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah it is. DARREN It is, I'll let someone else do the Spectral run. ALICE Okay, this is Blofeld Yeah yeah yeah, yeah it is. BROKE It is, I'll let someone else do the Spectre 11 run. ALICE Okay, okay, this is Blofeld, he's got the office, he's got the drawbridge over the

fucking pajama moat or whatever. BROKE Yes. BROKE Donald Pleasance. ALICE We haven't seen his face yet, but yes, he's stroking the white cat, he's there. ALICE James Bond just fucked up all my shit in auto gyro, and- BROKE Only one man in the world uses this wolf for PPK. And then Spectre 11. SPECTRE 11!

I like it when you say well done. It says, Bond is dead. It was in all the papers. Which means that you have to have read the paper that had a photograph of him in. Had sex with him, tried to kill him. have read the paper that had a photograph of him in it. I don't know. But he didn't come up? You had sex with him, you were in a plane with him, yeah. You, Dev, your Spectre 11 bit was one of the, I remember distinctly, was one of the bits

where I knew we were cooking, right, that's engraved in the history of the podcast from me. Thank you so much. Yeah. you had sex with this man! RIght, it's fish window is when I was like, we're onto something here. But Specter, Specter 11! Yeah, cause this is an exercise not just in memory but in nostalgia, right, because I need to place myself where I was when I was recording this to remember it more effectively. Like, four years ago. My childhood bedroom that I was living in in 2021, worrying a little bit that everyone

can hear me screaming about Spectral Lemon through the walls. That really nice flat that I got to live in during COVID, you thought just out of sheer luck? That was a nice flat. That was a fucking nice flat. I like your flat now though, to be fair. I was in a terrible, terrible flat that I sort of like just moved out of. I had a different face! Childhood bedroom.

That's what I had to think about. I had a different name? I think I still had my balls! You definitely had a different name. I think you did still have balls, yeah. Jesus Christ. Wow. I'm not gonna say now when the episode, that's the first post-balls episode is, but there

is one that is. I don't remember which one it is now, tell me later. I don't either, yeah. But so Spectral 11 is like, Bond's dead, it was in all the papers. It was in all the papers. And Blofeld goes, you had sex with him, how did you not know that that was him? Fine, feel free to leave the room. Yeah, step over this drawbridge now. And Blofeld goes, you had sex with him, how did you not know that was him? Fine. Feel free to leave the room.

Yeah, step over this drawbridge now. Feel free to walk over my drawbridge of piranhas. Yeah, who goes in? Is it her who goes in the piranhas? She goes straight in, yeah. Mr. Chemical. He dumps her ass in the pyjama mode. Heavy metal concern.

She gets eaten by the pyjamas, right? Fine. Yeah, she falls straight into the pyjama pit. Fucked up. This is a thing Dev and I did yesterday, where I fucked up the word piranha, and now I can't do it the right way round. I can't do it the right way round now. Pajama 3DD. Oh. Now we're talking.

Yeah, sure. Pajama pit. She gets killed. RIP Spectrum. Oh yeah, she- rest in peace. Kill a bond! You did a great job. No! That's not fair! Now we're talking. Yeah, sure. Pajama Pip. She gets killed. RIP Spectrum 11. Oh yeah, rest in peace.

Kill Bond! You did a great job. No! That's not- yeah, that's later. That is this movie, but it is later. Are you sure? I think it's this scene. I disagree, I think it's now.

No, no, no, it's in the base later on when shit's popping off, is when he's like, Kill Bond, now, cause I remember it. I don't think that's right. He says that while he is seated on a monorail Bon now, because I remember it. He says that while he is seated on a monorail, that's why I remember that. SORROWSKY That must be wrong, because he never gets on the monorail. DORAN Yes he does! SORROWSKY He's killed before he gets-

DORAN Oh, it's so facto, bitch! Nice try. SORROWSKY Quad erat demonstrandum! DORAN Why do I have such a strong sense memory of Donald Pleasance Blofeld riding a tiny shitty monorail. I think he rides the monorail. He never gets on it. No, he gets on the monorail, but only after he fucks up twice with the gun. Doesn't he escape on the monorail? He escapes on the monorail briefly. Kill Bond now is definitely at this moment.

Okay, well either way, at some point he's like, with a weirdly long pause, kill Bond. Now. Yeah, like it's over the page. He goes, alright, you, Spectra11, the 11th highest member of my organization, some fucking how, you're going in a pajama pit. You, mister... Sounds comfortable as fuck. Mister Chemicals.

Mister Chemicals. Ha! You will be unpleasantly surprised. Can you take fucking care of this problem for me, please? Uh huh. What is next? Oh Jesus Christ. This is ninja training, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He trains hard and fast to become a ninja. Because they've got the location, right? Yeah. But you can't get in until you- You look like a white boy. We need special ninjas. Alright, yeah.

Okay, we do have a ninja training. This is where- A, become Japanese, B, become a ninja, C, get married. He gets like, judo thrown like, fifty times. He gets facial Japanification surgeries. He gets... Yep. He gets married.

It's really racist and offensive. Yeah. It's the same makeup that they use to make the German actor playing Dr. No look like he might plausibly be Chinese-ish. Not good. They play out the whole wedding ceremony, and I think Tanaka is his best man, even. Mmhmm. That's cute.

We even get, like, the wedding night as well, which is gross, and he has sex with his wife as a Japanese guy. It's Kitty Suzuki. Yes. Yes. Kissy. Kissy? Kissy Suzuki.

I think it is Kissy. I'd also like to apologize, the actor who played Dr. No was not German, the character was German Chinese, that's it. Okay, sure. He's, I don't know, someone would have yelled at me about this. Then he like infiltrates the island as a fisherman. Not yet, not yet! They do race play on the wedding night, he has sex, and then bad ninjas, ninjas brackets

D, the people with the wire! The string! With the string! And they kill Kissy Suzuki. No, fuck, yeah, you're so right. They do. Because she's then immediately replaced by another woman in a bikini who has no lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's another brawl. Because they literally, they climb up in the rafters and they've got like a wire that they drip poison down, and it's about to go into Bond's mouth, but then Kissy sort of moves him over or something and gets in the way of it without knowing, and she dies. And he wakes up to see... you've got more drops of poison, surely. Just move the wire. Anyway. Yeah, just shoot him, drop a hundred pound waste on him. STORM Yeah, if you're already above him, just, yeah. ALICE You're already... you're all ninjas and he's been on ninja training for like three days, so...

ZACH You gotta bring the anvil with you, though, that's really hard. RILEY Yeah, to be fair though, if you think your opponent's a ninja, you are not expecting them to drop an anvil on you. ALICE I think if you use your ninja skills to like, silently lift an anvil up the side of someone's house and cast it up their roof, that's impressive. RILEY That's so tough. ZACH It's pretty good. impressive. That's so tough.

It's pretty good. It's really difficult. So then they wake up and they see the fucking Anvil that's just like on Kissy Suzuki and they're like holy shit. Bond is dead, he was in all the papers, you're crushed by Anvil. All of us run in and just start overarming, shocking Anvil. Wiley Coyote is working for Spectre? British naval commander crushed by Anvil. Wile E. Coyote is working for Spectre? British naval commander crushed by

anvil. This is like the photo of him, just like legs sticking out. The road runner was unavailable for comment. So yeah, so he wakes up in the morning, kisses his uki, he's crushed under a big anvil, he's crushed under a big anvil emotionally by this. That's so crushed. And he like swears revenge, right? An anvil of grief, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it feels like that. And then they instantly replace her with another Japanese woman. Yeah. So he goes to the island, and he's posing as a fisherman, he says to...

Oh god, maybe. I don't know. But he tries to have sex with her, he's like, if we're burging his man and wife, shouldn't we be in the same bed? And she's like, no, fuck off. No. He's like, alright, whatever. So he's like, I gotta go and find the base.

The volcano base, with the colored jumpsuits in the water. Yeah, you've gotta come with me, in your bikini, so she's hiking up a fuckin' mountainside in a bikini. Hell yeah. Which... I'll get the anvils from Mr. Metal, of course. He runs the Anvil manufacturing plant. Why was Mr. Metal the fucking ninjas connect for Blowfish?

That's one of the... Why would... Somebody's gotta be making those ninja weapons. Someone's talking to the ninjas. I guess so. You set up shop are we... Somebody's gotta be making those ninja weapons. Someone's talking to the ninjas. I guess so. You set up shop in Japan, someone's gotta know. Just, really weird conversation between normal evil business guy and ninja as well.

Well, where are the ninjas getting their... well it's quite specialist, you know, metallurgy to get those throwing stars and shit. There's kunai. True, it's true. Come on now now with Shane! This seemed like a normal metals factory, but instead it's all shurikens and shit. Enumerate for normal metals. Yeah, he's dealing with the normal metals in a normal way, pressing them into normal

shapes like ingots. Steel. Copper. Things of this nature. Yeah. Ingets. Slabs. There are others. Sheets. Coins, rolls, and instead of that it's like ninja grappling hooks and claws and shit.

Kusarigama. This metal is ninja grade. Yeah, everybody buys ninja grade steel, you don't really need it, and to be honest it makes for like a worse chef's knife, but yeah. Oh my god, if you sold knives and marketed them as ninja grade. It would be illegal. It's just absolutely evil. Keir Starmer would be dropping a big anvil on you, because you would be perpetuating

knife crimes is what you would be doing. You would be, you would be, of course, of course. Okay, I've given up my knife. Yeah, finally Keir Starmer's cracking down on the foot clan. ALICE- Weird divergence here, to say that in the 80s, there was a Thatcherite thing to specifically ban from import a bunch of weird things, like, because they were in kung fu movies. So like, nunchucks, right, are specifically an illegal weapon. NICOLAS- They banned George Lason- ALICE- YES!

NICOLAS- They banned nunchucks! ALICE- The reason why I mentioned a kusarigama, and what I know what a Kusarigama is, which is like a bladed hook on the end of a rope, is that it's specifically, statutorily banned from import to the United Kingdom, because they were afraid that kids were gonna do too much ninja shit with one. Because they watched too much TMNT, is that why they were called Teenage Mutant Hero terms? Yes! Cause of Thatcher.

That's legitimately it. We live in a really fucking stupid country I think. People forget this sometimes. To be fair, people are down on Margaret Thatcher, but when was the last time you saw a ninja? That's true, that is true. I'm looking out the window right now and I guess you don't really see the whole point isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they could be everywhere.

Doing this sort of calendar meme that's like the government is taking away a bunch of ninja You're not supposed to. Well, you're not supposed to. That's the whole point, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They could be everywhere. Doing this sort of calendar meme that's like, the government is taking away a bunch of ninja weapons and it's like, 1533 Japan? Okay, so... Haven't banned anvils, though. That's the real fucking problem. They hike up this fucking mountainside and they see the, like, caldera of a volcano. Yes, you're so right! the caldera of a volcano, and she's like, I dunno, seems like a volcano to me, and Bond

throws a rock and it bounces off, because it's metal. Right? Yes! Well, remember! Yeah, absolutely. It's the, like, Thunderbirds 1, like... It's the Tracy Island playset, yeah, 100%. Absolutely.

I think they might even see it open for like a launch or something? Sounds like a really bad name for a launch reset. The Tracy Island playset, yeah, it's got a bunch of folding palm trees. This is Ms. Island, first name Tracy, and this is her playset. I can't think of a way to make it into merchandise though, so let's just keep going. Yeah. If the Kill James Bond lingerie set would be an incredible seller. Podcast lingerie?

It's gender neutral, certainly. My entire career as a podcaster has been largely a function of trying to find the weirdest pieces of merchandise we could plausibly make, and I think it's only a matter of time before we get to like, high-end lingerie. And I mean like, high-end. Like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ancient provocateur. H.U.P. for short. It's got like a tiny little logo on it, otherwise indistinguishable. It costs a fucking fortune. Still got the trans flag and everything. Being mad as hell if James Bond cut it off you, like, yeah, no, 100%.

People would turn up to the live show wearing it, I think. Interesting. I think we should do the Brosnan shirt. I do. I do. I think we should cut our losses and do the Brosnan cow print bikini shirt. For 200 episodes, they've been waiting long enough, I think we should earnestly just do the Pierce Brosnan cowgirl.

I'm gonna put it out now, I'm gonna check all 50 comments that are like, oh definitely do the Brosnan shirt. All of you have to buy a shirt if we do it, okay. Buy and wear. If you're about to comment, I would buy the shirt. Just like, don't fuck with me. Alright, we've got anvils in the back here. Would you like to buy a Kill James Bond branded anvil? Just like, we get really in on that and you're like, oh I've got like 500 anvils in my house.

I've got 500 anvils in my house. Like, taking them to the post office and they're like, no you can't buy this. Just slapping one of those printout post office labels on them and they're like, actually I can't take 500 anvils just from your door. Why the fuck not? You have to put them in a little red wagon, drag them down to the post office? I don't remember what happens. Does he get...

He gets captured, he must do. Yeah, no, she escapes, he gets captured. I go to put the anvils on the website and I'm like, ah, twenty quid? Is that about right? She gets captured and presumably has to go on radio for help, because help will turn up later. But Bond gets captured and he meets Donald Pleasence.

RILEY He does, yes. SONIA And in the base they've got all the goons in the color jumpsuits, they've got a rocket that they're about to launch. RILEY They've got a bloke up there that says everything twice. DARREN Yeah, because they're about to do another, rocket capture, and start the, like, turn the Cold War hot, because the US and the USSR are on each other's throats.

RILEY Yeah, because they've got, like, USSR li Cold War hot, because the US and the USSR are at each other's throats. Yeah, because they've got, like, USSR livery on the rocket or whatever. Yes! And the people behind it are the Chinese! Oh my god, yes! Yes! The US and the USSR are going to nuke each other. Rocket fall down, question mark, question mark, question mark.

China time. China time. And for this service, Spectre are being paid £100,000, Mr. Bond. It's some like, or it's like a million dollars. It's some like comically small amount of money to end the world. A million? Yeah, like it's not a lot. Like also, where are you going to spend it?

That's one fish window, guys. Like, yeah. Where are you going to spend it? Half the world's going to be in a radiated wasteland and everyone else is going to starve to death. You fucking idiot. I love the design of the base. It's like a Ken Adam, like, classic banger.

It's perfect, it's Ken Adams, like, pulling it out, yeah. It's Rocket in the middle, they've got like a- the Spectre Rocket that they've got Spectre astronauts suiting up to go into. That is true, yeah. They've got the monorail around the outside of the thing. Because that's what Bondi's doing here, because the astronauts have gone missing, he's here to find them. ALICE Yeah, you're so- okay, alright, okay, okay, nice, nice.

DELISA Right. ALICE You also have the guy who says everything twice, who's like, uh, fucking, start the countdown, start the countdown. DELISA Everything twice, who's like somehow specced up four, or whatever. ALICE Yeah, yeah, yeah. DELISA Uh huh. ALICE And so we meet Donald Pleas, we finally see

his face, he's all fucked up, he's got a little scar. Is this the first time we see Blofeld in any Bond movie? It is, yeah. No, we've seen his hands, this is the first time we've seen his face. We've seen his hands, but he was being played by the guy from Doctor No. Some other guys, he's been played by various of guys, but this is the first time we see his face, it's Donald Pleasence, he's a little fucked up bald guy.

This is where we get the facial dysphagia, makes you evilasance, he's a little fucked up bald guy. Yeah, they make him, this is where we get the facial disfigurement makes you evil thing, because he's got the eye scar, right? Yeah, he does. Before he's captured, Bond sneaks in, disguises himself as one of Spectre's astronauts, and is about to get on the rocket when they find him. He is, yeah. They're like, stop that astronaut! Yes, I remember stop that astronaut, yes.

In fact, it might literally be the guy who says everything twice who catches him because he's like that guy who's walking goofy as hell he's a british secret agent captor right this guy's white in japan he's a jesuit you got any crucifixes on him with the other astronauts yet no in fact they do not then they put them in the control room yes because this is where they're like we're going going to die, Mr. Bond, would you like anything before you die? And he's like, I'll go smoke the sugar head, but I'm not gonna point it at you or anybody else, I'm actually gonna point it at the control panel that's over there.

I'd love if I could smoke the sugar head. You can't smoke indoors, Mr. Bond, there's rocket fuel over there, it would be very dangerous. It'd be extremely pitiful. Yeah, pointing to no no smoking sign. Health and safety, actually. NIGEL Oh, shit, I'm actually gonna die then in that kitchen. Whatever. But he fires the cigarette that kills you, instantly. ALICE These days it would be a harmless vape.

NIGEL The harmless vape. ALICE The simple vape. NIGEL You wouldn't deny a white boy a harmless vape, would you, before the end? You wouldn't die a condemned boy a harmless vape, would you, before the end? You wouldn't die a condemned man the last vape? Hitting the strawberry banana vape that launches a small explosive. One last hit. One last hit of the vape.

This blows up the control panel. Yes. Disrupts the launch. No, it doesn't, it's already launched, right? But it's about to like fucking intercept the thing and start World War III, that's when he fires the cigarette that kills you instantly and disrupts the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Pandemonium ensues. And he does condemn three Spectre astronauts to like, die in space, which I just silently

like Apollo 13 ass like... NARES Hey, Elon will get him down at some point, no one worry about that. ALICE They're still up there. NARES They're still up there. ALICE Those guys are still there. Hey, if you're listening, stay strong! NARES Hey, don't worry about it.

Hey. ALICE Honestly, you're probably in the best place right now. NARES They're up there being like, do not rescue us, alright, we're fine. ALICE Yeah, we're good, yeah. ALICE I've always wondered, when we looked at the Patreon Insights, what the one subscriber from space was? So, yeah.

Pandemonium ensues, people are running everywhere, Donald Pleasence tries to run for it on a monorail, what happens to Mr. Mechels? I remember this very specifically. Donald Pleasence fires his gun twice, it gets knocked out of his hand and goes off, and then when it hits the ground it goes off again. I remember having a massive problem with that at the time. Oh yeah. But he gets on the monorail and leaves. Doesn't he have like a weird fucked up gun?

He's got like a pistol or something. He shoots Mr. Metals! Does he? Because he does the Blofeld trick again! Yeah, he does the fucking Blofeld dosy dough he's like mr. metals thank you for bringing me james bond i'm now gonna kill one of you all right on the monorail see you later beautiful fantastic management does he escape uh yes yeah he does yes for now he does yes what movie comes after this oh god um well on my secret service comes after this no it's diamonds are forever no Oh god, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm get away. Okay. Yeah. But Bond rescues the Russian, the Soviet and American astronauts.

Presumably. The cavalry arrive. Yeah, who are ninjas. Who are ninjas. Yes, the ninjas arrive. Well done. The ninjas like, abseil in from the rim of the thing. This is one of the James Bond scenes par excellence, I think, which is just like, a lot of people all in differently colored jumpsuits running around one massive Ken Adams set. Just fantastic. It's beautiful. Is it self-destructing? That must be self-destructing. It's definitely self-destructing. Yeah, because the guys like, start the self-destruct thing, start the self-destruct thing, and then they do start the self-destruct thing.

Yeah. Your evil base is self-destructing, alright? One problem. One problem. I think this is even where the idea of the self-destruct thing comes from, is from this movie. I think it's the first one to do it. Because like, Dr. No, he blows up the thing because it's a fucking nuclear reactor, right? Easy to do. Yeah, it just explodes.

Yeah, but like- Everything up to this point has exploded just because it's got a nuke on it for some reason. Like, the Disco Volante went up as well. Yeah, this is the first one where they're explicitly like, just like, explode the charges that I put here in case James Bond fucks my shit up. Yeah. Well, cause they just figured it out, they got the source, they were like, oh shit, there's an organization that's blowing this stuff up, nice, alright.

They've got the money, they've got the people, specter. Specter. Specter. Andre. Spectre. And so, the boycott gets away- You think this is our only volcano base? Whatever. Bond presumably does. Then what? The movie certainly ends.

I swear down this, this is where we get the, like, kill Bond now is on the monorail before he like, escapes. Then he escapes. Maybe. We'll have to defer to Bond scholars on that one. And then... NICCOLE. Then what happens? ALICE. Traditionally, this is the bit where, like, the thing would blow up, you see it

blow up, and then Bond and his replacement wife, his woman, are, like, fucking somewhere, and this is where you get, like, Q and M being, like, it looks like Bond's's penis is entering her vagina. But like, that's not this movie. Specifically what I'm thinking of is The Spy Who Loved Me, which ends with, I believe he's attempting re-entry, sir. I think this one also ends with an equally smug them-fucking thing, but I can't think what it is. Do they get, like, they don't get rescued off a raft by the Coast Guard, cause that's Thunderball. So... Yeah.

I believe he's attempting re-entry as, um... Spy Who Loved Me. Moonraker. Is it? Moonraker. No, he's not in space in Spy Who Loved Me. Oh, you're so right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, Spy Who Loved Me is the one where, like, they're shagging on the couch and it just, the webcam goes on. Yeah, it's just after, it's just after Abbey just after Abby said professional cunt stars or something like that. Champagne cocks, that's what you said. So where is he now? I don't know. Where is he now? Maybe it just cuts to a flat James Bond will return.

James Bond will return? I doubt it, but like, I can't remember. I feel like we're missing like, five scenes here. ZACH There's definitely something here that hasn't been pulled. ZACH I swear there's something about a contact and chasing down a photo to find the rocket fuel, but I don't remember it.

ALICE Yeah, because we're looking at a 46 minute runtime here and the movie's an hour and a half. ZACH We've still gotta scum it. ALICE So, there's gotta have been something here. Mr. Metals is a cipher to me. Right, because I don't remember how we get to Mr. Metals, I don't remember half the things he does, and then I barely remember how he dies. His life is a mystery.

ZOE Blofeld shoots him. That's how he dies. RIght, my understanding is we get to Mr. Metals because the guy that kills Henderson goes to him, right? Like he gets into the car and is taken to that building. Bond takes the goon's place and is taken to Metals headquarters. And he fights a sumo in there or something, I don't know. And that's how he's like, I think this businessman is involved.

Yeah, okay. That's how he gets to him. Then he leaves and does something, he goes into a subway and gets Tanaka'd. ALICE Do we just ace this one? Do we just know what happens in You Only Live Twice? RILEY I think we smashed it. Apart from the end. RILEY Yeah, we kind of crushed it.

RILEY What does he do after they blow up the volcano base? ALICE He must get rescued by like Tanaka or something? Cause Tanaka doesn't die, he's- Yeah, he must turn up and be like, good job James Bond, he does the autogyro fight. Well the point of the autogyro is that he thought it was cool, and plus it does- But does it come back? That's the question, cause he gets the autogyro then does the autogyro scene.

Does he use it again? There might be two autogyro bits. I don't think so. I'm willing to believe that they don't. Like, that sounds about right. PSEED MISSING CREDITS. And the auto-gyro is named Little Nelly. It is, yes. Yes, well remembered.

That's why he's like, is my little girl hot and ready. Which, disgusting. Hmm. I think that's it. I think we got it. That's, yeah, I mean... Holy shit. Yeah, I think, yeah, I'm pretty sure we nailed that shade.

James Bond will return. I will say this, I'm pretty sure we nailed that shade. James Bond will return. I will say this, this is one of the more memorable ones. We can't check, that's against the rules. Yeah, of course. I'm not gonna look it up. Something must happen after they blow up the... Statistically, it's likely that something happens. There must be a scene where he's like, well, it looks like the volcano is my penis, ta-da-ta-da!

I'll be back in, I've no more, let's be a George Legend next time. Maybe there just isn't, though. Maybe it just... Cause they... Hmm. Yeah. Glowthorne gets away on the monorail. Glowthorne gets away cause he returns in the next step.

Tiger Tanaka must just be like, now you will have sex! And James was like, yeah, probably, I guess, with you, this random lady who's in a bikini, I guess. Does Tiger Tanaka die? No, I don't think so. No, no, he doesn't- he's still alive. He doesn't die. ALICE He never comes back, but he doesn't die.

D, I- yeah, no, I can't remember anything else. ALICE Did you give him a present to go back to England? D, Jesus Christ, that was- that's it. Jane- Jane Bonds. D, Spawn. Okay. We didn't even mention the theme song! ALICE Oh, yeah, okay.

You only live twice, it's fine. D, Twice, also it seems. ALICE It's fine. It's one of the songs that! Oh. Yeah, okay, you only live twice, it's fine. Twice or so it seems. It's fine. It's one of the songs that there is. It's kind of mid. Yeah, I mean, like, you're following Goldfinger and Thunderball.

Oh. It's gonna be something, right? Yeah. I will say this, it's a better paced movie that hangs together better than Thunderball, cause there's not like two hours of fish in it. Yeah, true. Yeah, they were treating footage of Japanese people in the same sort of way. Like, holy shit, we just captured this footage for the first time.

Because there's a decent amount of Bon just mooching around Tokyo seeing like, sumo guys or whatever. And being like, ugh. Yeah, like, all of the filler here is like him going to Japan places and seeing Japan stuff, and like, for the audience at the time, they're supposed to be like, holy shit, Japan. Like, for us who have been, at this point, shown a lot of Japan. We've been heavily Japanified. For all the reasons.

It seems like every trans girl I know and her wife is going to Japan. Well, I mean... I'm not. See, I'm skipping out on Japan, I'm going to China this year. Everyone I know is constantly going to Japan. There's not a long list of destinations where as a trans person you're gonna be like, reasonably safe, for one thing. True, true.

Yeah, can't just visit New Zealand over and over again. Like it's nice, but it's just New Zealand. Yeah, there's only so many times I can meet my two Kiwi friends, you know? Like... If you're listening from New Zealand, what's up, we know you're down there, you're just very far away. Yeah, I'm at that weird age now where all my female friends are either getting pregnant or getting vaginas.

Yeah, a lot of mine are getting pregnant, yeah. I've really, I've been trying to, y'know, in my thirties, determined to get one or both, but no luck so far. I went out to dinner a couple weeks ago with a friend of mine who's an ex of mine actually, and she said she'd got some to tell you I'm pregnant, and for about half a second I did just think, is it mine? And then I was like, wait a minute, we haven't had sex in like six years and also I can't do that anymore.

That's not on the books. But also we're at that age where I was just like, is pregnant brackets good? And she was like, yes, pregnant brackets good, I wanted to do this. Nailed it first time. We're now old enough that you can be reasonably certain that any of our cohort that gets pregnant did it on purpose, which is pretty good. And there are podcast kids now, which is crazy. There are, man, there are so many. Should be listening to this, but yeah. Like, actively, and they're aging as well, they're like fucking like two years old or whatever now, and I'm just like, what? When did this come in?

Yeah. It's either that, a lot of my female friends are getting pregnant, and then a lot of my trans female friends are just getting vaginas, and I was like, I think we're gonna get a pussy finally, and I'm just like, okay, come on. Well. You can get a pussy. You can, hey, if you want a pussy. We don't have to be subjective about You Only Live Twice, because...

That is true. We have a scientific fucking system. I believe that on the last episode, we nailed the score of Thunderball. Which once and for all, that it is a scientific system. Yeah. It lends repeatable results. Maybe not always, but at least some of the time. Let's not write a check we can't cash, but okay. some of the time. So... Let's... Let's...

I'm not gonna write a check we can't cash, but okay. No, I mean... Here we go. SMAM. The SCUM system stands for SMAM Cultural Insensitivity, Unproductive Analysis, and Misogyny. SMAM of You Only Live Twice. Um, well, god, I...

In Japan, men cum, women cum, everyone cum, shemai here and shiv- ehh. Is my wife gonna be ugly? As a sow! ALICE It's like, bad because it's a connery, but I think amongst the conneries it's not the worst, so I- ZACH No. ALICE I don't think so. ZACH I remember it being bad. ALICE Like a five or a six?

ZACH Six? ALICE I can see five, I mean, nothing's bringing me to six. ALICE No, I think I'm stuck at five as well. ZACH Cultural insensitivity. Cultural insensitivity, I think we did something like eight or ten. Yeah, yeah, probably. Now I can't remember it in specificity at this point, which I think is-

It was eight because we gave live and let die ten. Yes. Yes, well remembered. Okay, fine. Eight. But that's what we gave it, like... Fine. Yeah, okay, put eight down. Yes, well remembered. We did. Okay. Fine. Eight.

But that's what we gave it, like... Mm. Fine. Yeah, okay, put eight down. Unprovoked violence. Unprovoked violence? Well, Bond... It's low, it's low.

Yeah, I wanna say Bond did kill those astronauts with the cold vacuum of space, and that's a lonely, miserable death, but like... Yeah. But those guys were... They were trying to live by the space probe, die by the space probe, right? Like classic saying. And I don't think we mentioned this at the time, either, so... I dunno.

Um... Does he beat up anybody else? Does he do any domestic violence in this one? Cause he did a lot of it in some of the others. Does he hit any women? I don't remember. I don't think so. I don't think so either.

Like, I don't... I got a comment recently from my mother, by the way, who said that we're allergic to giving movies twos. We're always doing one, the three. It really is a bit of a gap, yeah. I was about to suggest we give it two, but I don't remember. Okay, sure. Unprovoked violence.

And then... Misogyny. Misogyny, I think, was definitionally high for this. Yeah, killing Kissy Suzuki and then replacing her with just a woman in bikini with no lines? Yeah. Japan is a place where, like, women are inherently submissive. Women come second, you know. Unlike these, you know, bitch angloids.

It's pretty fuckin' bad. On both ends, I think. On both ends. I think. On both ends. I think whatever website you're getting this language from, etc. Six? Um, yes, I think so. Alright, well then. That tracks.

That gives it a total score of... I can see six, yeah, let's do six. Twenty-one. Now I have, in front of me, I have the original book, just double checking my maths. The sacred texts. The sacred texts. The sacred texts. The sacred texts. There are very dedicated people who have been transcribing these, who would love a view

of the book, I think. We are very close, because originally we gave it 22. Oh my god, we're fucking geniuses. What's the best price? This was before the point where I started noting down, y'know, what a rationale was, so I don't know why or what the categories were, but... Can I ask you quickly what the, while you've still got that, can I ask you what the score from Russia with Love is?

Because this is something that I've seen specific comment on. Uh, 19. 19? Yes. Okay. So wait, what was the discrepancy between the first time seeing You Only Love Twice Uh, 19. 19. Yes. Okay. Okay. So wait, what was the discrepancy between the first time seeing You Only Love Twice and the second?

I don't know, because this was before I started voting it down for each individual category which I only started doing... Oh, I see. The issue is from Rush With Love, when I gave the like, scum score in the first ever jazz outro, I said 3526, right? Which adds up to 16. Which is not 19. So there's some fucking problem here, foundational, that we have not figured out yet. ALICE It's in history.

We- who knows. And that's lost to time. Like, it's gone. We don't have that knowledge. ALICE Yes, yeah, absolutely. We don't have that knowledge. Yes! Absolutely. I still have my old notebooks, but I didn't keep track of scores, so I only have my notes. Yeah, I'm famously bad at maths.

As I've said before on Philosophy Tube, I only know three things about mathematics. One, I'm not very good at it, and two, I'm not very good at it. Did we have Cronstein rosettes yet? We had Cronstein definitely. We didn't have Goodnight yet, cause that was in Man With a Golden Gun. Mm. Yes, you're right.

Retroactively, I don't know if we did or not, but I kind of want to give Spectre 11 a Kronstein rosette. But she doesn't go above and beyond the cause for villainy, she fucks up. Mm. Yeah, she does a particularly bad job. Yeah. But like, a unique bad job is also, it's an interesting- An inverse Kronstein.

She deserved to get piranhas! Yeah, for like, special little guy award for trying your best or whatever. Aw, ho ho ho ho! But not a Cronstein, certainly nothing like that. We gave the Cronstein to Tiger Tanaka, I'm seeing here. Did- what? Why? Well, I don't know why. We didn't

have good night, right? So he would've gotten a good night, I think, if we'd had it at this point. ALICE Can we retroactively strip him of his Kronstein, give him a good night, and Kronstein decorate someone else? ZEKE Yeah! ZEKE Yeah, we can do fucking anything we want! ALICE I don't know who we would Kronstein for this. ZEKE Like...

ZEKE Who goes above and beyond the cause of Illion James Bond. ALICE Nobody really goes above and beyond? Mr. Metals does his job. Mr. Metals is reasonably hardcore, yeah. I wanna give it to that ninja, cause it must've been so difficult to like, cart that anvil to the top of that building. Alright, Cronstein rose out to Anvil Ninja. Yeah. Anvil Ninja, a great category. A character who does not exist and is not in the movie.

We've already given the crosshair reset to someone who doesn't exist. Anvil Ninja is one of the most racist Twitch streamers in the game. Every time we've been saying Anvil Ninja I've been thinking of the Evil Genius games, which also owe a lot to the base in this. We've already invented the evil base, you know? Yeah. It did, it did. Which, we're immensely-

And that's You Only Live Twice! Yeah. I mean, I feel pretty positive about this one. I think this one's probably a fun watch if you don't mind all the racism. Which is most of it. It's a lot of people's favourite Bond film. It's Mike Meyer's favourite Bond film. It's also the one that so many Eurospy movies remade, so many Eurospy movies are just the

man who went to Japan. Yeah. And none of them were good either. No. I can say that very authoritatively now. Often imitated, never duplicated. It has the structure of a better movie. God, in that case, that means that whenever we do the next No Notes, that's gonna be on Her Majesty's Secret Service.

I wanna do that soon, because I don't remember a fucking thing about it. Yeah, we've remembered how fun this idea is when you spread them out occasionally. To just, yeah. We'll bring one up at some point soon. Yeah, I love doing this, I love doing Q&As, I love doing no notes, uh... We should do a Q&A, we haven't done one yet. We should do a Q&A again soon. Sure.

I mean, fuck, I've got my next bonus pick. Hell yeah. I mean, I think it is literally the 200th episode, if you do that. It would be the 200th movie, so if we do a Q&A pick, whatever the next free episode is, would be the 200th million. ALICE Curious. We'll figure this all out, right? RILEY It's a constructed accolade anyway.

We love Kill Janice Bond, we've done a lot of it, you guys love it, we're gonna keep fucking going with it. ALICE Yeah, that's the- RILEY The only reason we really got the award is because publicists had a good relationship with the movie. RILEY Yeah, exactly. ALICE Yeah, don't even ask about how Anvil Ninja got that

Cronstein rosette. It's a really grimy process when you get into it. Anvil Ninja fucked everyone in the academy. It's crazy. I didn't love that Anvil Ninja did that five minute speech and had to shush the orchestra a couple of times, you know? How many people do you have to thank, really? Also, the fact that Anvil Ninja didn't mention what is being done to the Anvil community once in his speech, it's like, you're right there. Why would you not? You're winning the award for the movie about Anvils, and you didn't mention... Whatever. He said he was gonna do it if he won, but he just didn't.

Notice how none of the Anvils won the award! Only the ninja interesting, interesting double standard. Uh, yeah, coming out and being like that. I'm sorry to the country of Japan, but it wasn't really about Japan. It's heart was more in the, all right, kill the episode with that. Goodbye. Thank you for listening. Thank you. Another 200. Trans person has won an Oscar yet yet. Yet! It's still available baby, it's still open! Let's go! Trans people have achieved everything in every

field except film! Except the Oscars! Sitting here with an eeged... a tryin', my best. Yes. 200 more episodes. Thank you for listening, thank you for subscribing. Kill James Bond won 1 million years, goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. Kill Bond. Now. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. In two weeks time on the free feed, our next episode is going to be gone in 60 seconds with returning champion Victoria Scott. Very excited to have her back on. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then you can head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash kill James Bond, all one word,

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Mwah.