Upstream - S4E11: Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)

Episode Date: April 4, 2025

So two weeks ago we attempted to recall the plot of You Only Live Twice from memory, after having last watched the movie in 2021. This week, we all watched the Nick Cage vehicle (get it) Gone in 60 Seconds a matter of days before recording and somehow remembered it even less. Joining us is returning champion, friend of the show, photographer and automotive journalist Victoria Scott!  You can find her at https://bsky.app/profile/victoriascott.bsky.social and support her work at https://www.patreon.com/vantimevictoria ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. As you well know I've been working with a few gazan families to raise money for their daily living costs in the genocide. We're putting all our energy into this one campaign as we have a real chance to get Ahmed and his family out of Gaza. Please, if you can help in any way, be that by donating yourself or sharing the link with friends and family, it will mean the world to me. https://chuffed.org/project/124906-help-ahmed-and-family-evacuate-gaza ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends, Abigail, Thorne and Devon. Beep beep! Eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee eee Atrocious. And by friend of the pod, friend of the me, Victoria Scott. Victoria, how's it going? Hello!

It's going pretty well, aside from the everything, you know. Of course. Yeah yeah, we gotta get that out of the way. Apart from all of the things that are happening and going on, and we record these a couple of weeks in advance, so by the time this comes out, probably more shit will have happened. God knows what will have happened. Crazy about the aliens. I wasn't expecting JD Vance to tell them to thank Donald Trump. I didn't think they'd kill him in that way, but like, y'know.

It goes to show. I think we can push the aliens left. But so, the reason why we got Victoria on is because we're taking a little detour towards the more car-focused end of heist movies, and I remembered this movie, gone in 60 seconds, from when I was like, Christ I don't know when I saw this, but it came out in 2000, so I would've been nine, right? And there was some primordial, like, pre-teen latent memory of this movie where I was like, oh that was fun! We could do that!

We could just do that as a movie! It is a very, like, nine year old movie. Do you know what I mean? I think I saw this on like TNT when I was fun. We could do that. We could just do that as a movie. It is a very like, nine year old movie. Do you know what I mean? I think I saw this on like TNT when I was 11. Yeah. That tracks. It's very much the kind of movie that you see at about that age. It was a summer blockbuster in 2000, so like, your last summer pre-911, you could have

seen like Mission Impossible 2, or you could have seen this. And this outsold Mission Impossible 2, was a huge commercial success, and I want you to bear that in mind going forward. Just, listeners, if you're too young to remember, like, the year 2000, I barely remember it, having of course only been born in 2004, but we're talking pre- don't laugh, thank you, we're talking pre-financial laugh, thank you. We're talking pre-financial crisis. And pre-911. This is the peak of American civilization.

We reckon this is it forever. The highest quality that we're ever gonna get. And they chose to make this. Going to see Gone in 60 Seconds with Francis Fukuyama to celebrate the end of history. Now that history is over, the only thing to do is to drive really sick cars around. ZOE Yeah, steal cars basically. We've basically, like, we've figured out politics, now all that's left is kinda cars. And we'll figure those out.

ALICE It's kind of related in the sense that this is a movie that, I'm not gonna talk about the director, because the director is not someone who's interesting to me, I'm gonna talk about the producer, because he's someone who is. This is a Jerry Brookheimer movie. STACEY Mmhm. ALICE The Brookheimer I work so with. ALICE Yeah, and Jerry Brookheimer's made some good movies, or at least some fun movies, right, like Top Gun, or like Con Air, which we're also gonna talk about in high season. STACEY You might recognise, Con Air's the same guy who wrote this actually, you might recognise

the Brookheimer Studio logo where you race along the road and there's a tree and it gets struck by lightning? That's, aw, nostalgic for me seeing that again. And a Brookheimer film is one that is kind of like, expansive, it's action filled, it's very expensive to make for the time, and it's kind of formulaic, right? Like, nobody's going to watch these things for, like, the, you know, to be surprised. NAH, it's a popcorn movie! Yeah, exactly. And this is, like, I would say the most kind of bloated and, like, shapeless

of them. It's a real, like, it's a weak one, it's a weak Brookheimer. And I hate a weak Brookheimer. RILEY Not to overplay my hand, but you mentioned remembering this from 2000. I would have a better job remembering this from the year 2000. I watched this last night, and I'm approaching this episode with the sort of trepidation of us trying to do, like, the living daylights with no notes. Like, what the fuck happened in the movie gone in 60 seconds?! ALICE I was also thinking that this was functionally

a no notes episode, because I also watched this last night, and just by happenstance because I'm bad at sleep hygiene, I was exhausted, I was like fucking dead on my feet, I was so tired my eyes were watering, and I had to stay up for like all fucking 19 hours of Gone In 60 Seconds, a movie which purports to be about moving fast, but which moves very slowly. Don't worry. As is my curse. As is my curse. I remember this in great detail and have taken exacting notes. So I got it. Thank you so much.

I have three and a half pages. Jesus Christ. Type A personal. I have four notes and one of those notes is vroom and it's spelled with like 15 O's. The first note and like the second to last note are both. Oh 2000 sepia and green toning. Yeah It's a very color graded movie. That's true. I've got ten pages of notes on this Crazy most of my notes were just like I imagined the girls will remember this. Hmm They start with a classic bit of 2000s editing, which is where we have fast motion into regular motion.

And it's it's pretty. The thing is, so you're all aware of the original gone in 60 seconds, right? No, not even slightly like 1974. I want to say our audience might not be so let's take them through it. OK, well, in 1973, I believe it was there was a absolutely insane stunt man who decided that he would self-finance produce direct star and stunt drive for an entire movie that was basically like a 70 minute car chase.

Until the Blues Brothers, it was the record holder for most destroyed cars in the making of a single movie. I'm seeing a 40 minute car chase scene, the longest in film history. I'm raising my hand here to say that I think that this rules? Does it rule? Yeah, it's incredible. Oh my god. Well, and the original thing is like, it's a bunch of like, car- there's no like, the

remake has like a bunch of Nick Cage sort of like, we have to contrive a plot that makes this guy like a charming thief. And the original doesn't have it, it's like, we steal cars for a living, get the fuck over it. We look to see if they're insured first because we're not complete assholes But like the Wikipedia here and I'm seeing directed by HB Helicki written produced starring Company HB Helicki mercantile distributed by HB Helicki far west films. We gotta watch this thing. Okay Yeah, we have to that at some point and it's it's like actually great because there's like the most minimal plot

to kind of get the car chase in motion. And then there is 45 minutes of car chase. There's like he broke his spine doing a jump in like a 73 Mustang Mach 1. The original Eleanor is also a beautiful like this like mustard yellow like 73 Mach 1 that had just come out. It's really pretty, uh, this one is kind of like a remake of that. God.

Okay, that makes me hate it more, to know that it's, it's like, a remake of something that was good, or at least fun, right? So we begin with, my notes say, we used to make opening titles in this country. Yeah. Oh yeah, mine are quite derogatory towards the titles. Mine are, oh they're gonna do the whole song, huh? It was, you don't want to get whooshed around the inside of a CGI stopwatch, of course you do.

Yes, of course you do. Designed by someone who has been told the title and nothing else about the movie, because the time unit of like one minute, 60 seconds, appears nowhere about the movie, because the time unit of like one minute sixty seconds appears nowhere in the movie. It's not important, ever. It never comes up. It's actually gone in a week, but that's not as exciting. It's like if you called it Ocean's Eleven and then there were not ten other guys.

But we are set in my beloved trash fire Los Angeles, specifically Long Beach, which is where all the YouTubers live. Yeah, it's much different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of YouTubers live in Long Beach, actually, weirdly. Oh, they used to have ports and stuff, but now it's just like, yeah. Influences, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The thing that was funny is I watched this with my wife and a couple of friends, and they pointed out that that's actually, a lot of the bridge scenes and the iconic setting establishing shots are shot in Vancouver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, it just doubles for everywhere, doesn't it? Some of the LA geography in this, I'm like, how did you get there in that time, anyway.

But so we open on this, outside this Porsche showroom at night, and there's these three car thieves who roll up outside, one of them's been told to steal it. ALICE One of them has a really funny name. Because the two other guys go, hey, what do you think, Tumblr? And I thought, my shoelaces come untied at that exact moment, both of them. RILEY Yeah, it's very funny. I stole them from the president. RILEY Well the thing is, Tumblr is in fact the big Mormon from the president. Well the thing is, Tumblr is in fact the big Mormon from the Ocean series.

Yes he is. Yeah. It's one of the two Mormon jerkoff brothers, named Tumblr. Yeah. He's just in the... Well, there's a lot of people who are just standing around this movie, but anyway, our lead guy on this boost as they insist on calling the thefts... Yeah, if you're Scott Carden of the 2000s, you just ran.

... insist on calling this a boost, is this guy Kip. A lift. Yeah's just wrong. They just stopped calling this a boost. Um, is this guy Kip? A lift. Yeah. Kip. Kip is Giovanni Robisi, who used to be able to carry a movie like this. Which, really, I mean, this is the thing. 2000? Like, the year 2000, you're not looking at like a deep bench of action stars.

Yeah, man. You had to get, like, because they didn't cultivate a lot of new talent for a long time, and also Hollywood is like, even more racist and sexist then than it is now, so it's like, you had Tom Cruise, who was doing Mission Impossible 2, and then you're down to like, I guess Nicolas Cage is free? Yeah, honestly, like this is a weird choice of casting for our lead, but we haven't met him yet, we'll get to him. Kip throws a brick through the window of the showroom, he goes inside, he stands

next to this Porsche and he presses triangle. So he just gets in the window, and he drives it through the window of the... Of the... Old school smash and grab, like, ties to 1.0 ass. It's so cool that they kept the display model Porsche with petrol in it, you know, ready to go as well. Just waiting for someone to do this. ALICE At this point we get our first woman in the film, who pretty much sets the tone for all women in the film, and that she just doesn't

have a character at all, because Kip pulls up in the Porsche alongside another car which has a hot girl in the passenger seat, and they get into a drag race to impress the girl. So Kip is impulsive, you see. In a real example of what lawyers call statement against interest, the guy in the passenger seat of Kip's car is yelling at him to say, do not get into this drag race, yelling, STOLEN CAR. STOLEN CAR. Really loudly. Really loud.

Don't yell that shit, man. I'm fucking trying to steal a car out of everyone street racing used to be a thing like fucking need for speed ass yeah oh get locked in we are talking about speed race so hot it even makes heat melt do you want to just do speed racer again yeah i would love to do speed racer This means scene specifically is also really interesting because it's the the expensive Porsche racing like the underdog Civic. And they make this big show of like, oh, we just smoked that guy in his like mom's car in this eighty five thousand dollar Porsche.

Yeah. It is in his tranny Yaris, which has like, you know, coffee cups and Monster Energy cans in the passenger side. But well, like a bunch of bumper stickers. ALICE So it has to be fast. NICHOLAS Yeah, yeah, yeah. ALICE But so, by street racing, they attract a two-star wanted level, right?

The LAPD shows up and chases them, and meanwhile, across town in Long Beach, there's a warehouse waiting for Kip and the boys to show up in this Porsche, right? I think Tumblr, the Mormon brother, is like, sitting in the warehouse explaining The Stranger? ALICE He is genuinely explaining The Stranger! You know? ALICE If you're not familiar with The Stranger, it was an alternative magazine in Seattle that got turf very quickly.

Used to publish Dan Savage. Uh, no, if you're um- It's where you sit on Dan Savage and suddenly goes numb. Fuckin' it's about time, like, uh, so- You know what The Stranger is, chum. Yeah, you know what The Stranger is, and if you don't know then fucking google it, but like- Yeah, that's what Maud does to you in the weather spins his spin. Oh god. That's a bonus joke. You'll get on the Patreon

It's a great piece of like jerking off law because it doesn't work like at all because why doesn't work at all? If you have one hand completely numb, what are you gonna do with that hand? If you have one hand completely numb, what are you gonna do with that hand, except try and get the pins and needles out of it? Stupid idea. Yeah, fucking stupid idea. But the cops follow them back to the warehouse, where in this warehouse they have written in UV ink, so you see it with a black light, a list of cars for to steal. Yeah.

Which, uh, there's a lot of cars, a lot of war rights. A lot of cars is 50 cars and they're all like, like important cars as well. None of them. Yeah. I have some notes on the specific cars. Please, that's fine. My issues with the, my issues with the rarity. One of them, for example, one of the ones that make a big deal out of, they pull up and they actually successfully steal without apparently it needing to be on screen is a Jaguar XJ220.

I saw that. You made it to two hundred and eighty one of those cars in total. It's a beautiful car. It's in one shot. You can't you also can't steal that. Like they're on a list. Everybody knows where they are. It belongs in a museum. It is in a museum. Where are you going to fence that? Are you going to sell it to somebody who's never heard of a supercar before? Or are you just selling it at the buy here, pay here, next to a Camry and a Yaris?

Because I do not know who else you're going to sell that thing to. Still, just getting my car in the British Heart Foundation charity shop. They give it to you for free if you're autistic, I hear. The cops are kind of like, roll up and they raid the warehouse, the boys all get away- ALICE They smash the blacklight on the way out, so they can't see the green on the wall. RILEY The cops now have all the cars, but they don't. There are like, 20 of them.

And we meet our head cop, who is Delroy Lindo. ALICE It's fuckin' Delroy Lindo. ALICE Love that guy, guy I love to see. Introduced, car first. Like he drives in and you get a close up shot of his car that like panned up over the hood to him. Yeah. Yeah, wasn't that the Land Cruiser? Yeah it is.

That was when he rolls up in the Lexus, he rolls up in a Lexus Land Cruiser as his cop car with this one spinning light, I was like holy shit, how much money did Long Beach have in 1999? Viewers will remember Del Roy Lindo for a number of things, but our listeners in particular will remember him most keenly as Philip Moyes from The Devil's Advocate, if you've been watching along with us. It's him, he's back. ALICE- He was the racist Haitian, uh, Voodooon guy. M- Yeah. I mean, that was no good. But see if they can do better with him on this movie.

ALICE- They cannot. No, he's good in this movie. Spoilers. They can't. So so like visibly phoning it in he like he's like mooches around the warehouse detectively. Detective is a great role for an actor who doesn't care, I feel, because like detectively the way in which you kind of act detectively is to just kind of like, piss

about. Like, whatever. I feel like if I was a detective I'd be really keen, I'd be like walking around waiting for the controller to vibrate next to everything and like picking up everything and examining it and like... Yeah. He basically does do this though. That's true.

Throw in like really detailed pictures of people. Because he's pressing R3 to activate his detective-ish... He finds the one important thing in the entire warehouse. He's like, hm, I'm walking around this abandoned warehouse, what if I find these three glass shards? These could be important. ALICE And he bags those for later, and then we go

to real America, which weirdly in 2000, unlike Mexico, real America got the yellow filter. SONIA Yeah, this is interesting, isn't it? NICOLAS Yeah, isn't it interesting? ALICE We couldn't, we had to do a lot of color grading for this movie in this, but it wishes it was in sepia. So somewhere rural and authentically American, you can tell, because there's like a big wafting American flag. Nicholas Cage with moderately fucked up hair. I've been in the lab cooking

this up, right, because I think that there's a difference between, like, Javier Bardem, right? The more fucked up his hair is the best of the movie, that's known, right? Like, Skyfall is a fun movie because they fucked up his hair, No Country for Old Men is a way funner movie because they fucked up his hair, No Country for Old Men is a way funner movie because they fucked up his hair way more. Um- Parrots of the Caribbean 5. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.

I don't remember. I don't know how fucked his hair up is. I have a theory that there's a kind of a bump in the graph, right, or a divot, where with Nicolas Cage hair, you're like, normal Cage hair, that's a pretty good movie, probably. Fucked up Cage hair, that's a pretty good movie, probably. Fucked up cage hair, that's a pretty good movie, probably. Like, con air, right? 100%. Moderately fucked up cage hair, that's a terrible movie.

Like you fuck it up a bit, like, he's got like, blonde kind of like, slit back, cropped hair in this. It's a cage movie where you're not paying him enough to keep his hair the same way for a year. Yeah. Such an odd choice of leading man too, because we've seen him before as a leading man in The Rock. He's done this, he's done like a couple of other things where he's your lead guy. And it's like, he's an actor's actor. He's not a kind of like, you know, beefcake. He's a real like, you know, acting actor. And I'm like, I don't know, I just feel like I don't want him in later, I want him in support. I'm so glad he gets to do stuff like Pig now.

Yeah, like he's in his element. Color Out of Space, like that's where you put Nicolas Cage. I fucking love Color Out of Space. Dream scenario? Bandy? Bam. Dream scenario? Fuck yes, I love dream scenarios.

We're just naming Nicolas Cage movies because nothing fucking happens. So he's teaching kids how to go car, right? Yeah, because he loves cars and he loves America and he's in some kind of red state Which we indicate with all the like it looks like Twin Peaks from the mountains in the background The go-kart teacher in Twin Peaks I don't know what the fuck he was doing for Ladla Ha for season two, just hanging out. He was in the background, he was chilling. And a guy comes to see him, and he's like, okay, come into my office, there is another

massive American flag immediately behind him in the office, just so you know. And we know how this goes, this is his buddy Atlee, who's like, we need you back for one last job. Clement Atlee? I can't do it, I'm retired, your brother needs you, cause he took a boost. This is just really funny, cause in the UK listeners a boost is a kind of like, pretty mediocre chocolate bar. Yeah.

It's just, it's just really funny. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm gonna take that. A boost is decent. A boost is fucking powered by glucose, love, alright? I know what it's powered by, but it wouldn't be my first choice. Oh, I know what it's powered by but i'm just it's just definitely my first choice oh i know what it's powered by how dare you i see myself losing control of the wheel here how much does a freddo cost nowadays genuine question jesus

fucking christ talk about the movie gone in 60 seconds 60 seconds right I will detonate the skull bomb I don't remember what happened in the movie God in 60 seconds November I don't know I know I got it I got it I got it I wish I could talk about in a movie Clement Attlee is like your brother has eaten too many he is conspicuously handed a Pepsi he's eating too many boost He has conspicuously handed a Pepsi. He's eaten too many boost bars, he's also, he's taken this job for a bad guy, a real real nasty bad guy, called The Carpenter. Yeah, Raymond Carlytree, The Carpenter.

Yeah, yeah yeah. We gotta go see him now, cause your brother's in danger. Yeah, cause like, I work for this guy who your brother's in trouble with. Here we fucking go. I gotta bring you back to Long Beach to like, have it out with him. With the only good bit of this movie. And here we go folks, who the fuck is it? It's guy we love to see, Christopher Eccleston.

Ah, saluting, hello! How the fuck are you doing, brother? This is Doctor Who. This is V.O.G. Doctor Who, if you're of my generation, season one. I am so embarrassed at how long it took me to realize it was Christopher Eccleston because he has hair. He does. He's based as fuck. By all accounts, like a lovely guy, great political views as far as I know. Yeah, fucking lovely guy.

I hope that doesn't age poorly. If he gets cancelled, I don't know him personally, I just think that all his shit is cool. So far. So it's kind of why I realized I might be gay, like a very long time ago. Hell yeah. Like way, way long time ago, back when me being into men was gay. Damn. Hell yeah.

That's crazy. Did they just come out with this? But the only problem with Christopher Eccleston in this movie, right, is, cause he's a really good actor, the only problem is he's barely in the fucking thing, he's in like two scenes! Two! This is number one, yeah. He's our main villain, ladies and gentlemen. The only, like, silver lining here is that the movie was so successful that he got paid

to do not very much work, and hopefully like a lot. Yeah. Mmhm. Yeah. Get that bag, King. But he's British! He's British too!

And he's like, I fucking hate America and all the shit here. He's got a fucking... Let him keep his Manchester accent. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. Legend. He's in 28 Days Later. Oh, fantastic.

This guy, I'd love to see, genuinely. He loves furniture. He hates the Queen. He hates the Queen. Yeah, not... the character doesn't hate the Queen. The character probably fucking loves the Queen, because the character hates stuff that's American. Yeah. Yes.

He hates baseball. Yeah, he hates baseball. Yank shit. Bloody boring. He loves exquisitely carved furniture. Yeah. That he carved himself. He's just been like, aw, baseball's so fucking boring, I don't understand anything about it.

As a side thing, Giovanni Robisi, your brother, is currently handcuffed at the steering wheel of a car that's in a car crusher, and I will car crush his ass immediately if you do not do what I want. It is. The way that this is introduced is really funny to me, because he... he like... Nick Cage walks in and he's like, "'Hey, maybe we can make a deal about this.'" And Eccleston's character seems like reasonable

for a moment where he's like, "'Well, we could maybe talk about things.'" And then he's like, "'Actually, no, unless you steal all these cars, "'I will kill your brother.'" And then they walk out of his office directly into the car crusher lot where his brother is screaming bloody murder

as he's handcuffed to the wheel of a third gen Pontiac Firebird. ALICE There's a kind of a thing here, right, about decision making that I think is essential to any good action movie. I think so much, this was really seminal and deciding a lot of my film criticism, I saw all three equalizer movies with Denzel Washington. And those are some weird movies, but crucially- Yeah, you gotta make sure to say Washington every time.

Crucially, crucially. Every single one of those movies has at least one scene where Denzel Washington's character, the equalizer, known to be the equalizer and to equalize people, goes up to the biggest, baddest guy in the area and is like, I am begging you with tears in my eyes, do not make me equalize you. I will give you a briefcase full of $150,000 like with no strings attached to make to not make me equalize you. And the guy has to throw it in his face and then he has to equalize them. Right? Because that's, Oh yeah, boss, you're going to be gone in 60 seconds. That's how the movies work. And so Eccleston has to be like, you know, I like one thing in this world

and it's not keeping your brother alive. It's key. It's like carving furniture. Yeah, it's fucking carving furniture. And he goes like, it's the funniest shit in the world. He's like talking about carving furniture and Nick Cage is like, where's my brother? And Chris Eccleston whips off this like tarp cover over a coffin that he's carved. He's like, yeah, carve this for him. He's not in it. He isn't in it. Just to be clear. There's two really funny things with the coffin. One is that the coffin is a perfect coffin and he says, it's my first one. It's like, this is a generational woodworking town. That's amazing. Yeah. The second best carpenter since fucking Christ, a role Christopher Eccleston has played. The second one is the cage acting thing is he tears off the top

shows him it's a coffin cage does not react. He opens the coffin to reveal it's a coffin like the lid of the obviously a coffin. Then he reacts and then he goes, and it's waiting to see if his brother's in the coffin or not. This confirms my suspicion that this is in fact a coffin. Yeah. Oh, and so, and so Chris Bregerson outlines the deals. Your brother agreed to do this job for me to steal 50 cars, not just any, specific ones, you can't just steal 50 Yaris's, you gotta steal these 50 specific make and model of cars by Friday, today's Monday night, 8am Friday morning

and deliver them to the docks, or... I squish your brother like a bug. ...your brother is gonna be squished like a bug. And crucially... Or I'm gonna do the fucking kick-ass thing and put him through like a car crusher Yeah, yeah, yeah, he is crushing his brother while he talks about this to like the car crusher is actively destroying a third First hour of sexy beast compressed into about a minute and a half of are you gonna do the job? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, right? We'll talk about sexy be us to the job? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Right? And...

We'll talk about sexy beasts at some point. Yes, we absolutely will. But so, Cage, like, grabs one of the goon's guns while the car crusher is going, and is like, uh, what if I shoot you instead of getting, instead of my brother getting squished, to which Eccleston is like, do the fucking job, because plot reasons. Yeah. If you squish, if you shoot me, your brother still probably gets squished, to which Ecclestone is like, do the fucking job, because plot reasons. RILEY If you squish, if you shoot me, your brother still probably gets squished. And he's like, uh, that's true. That's true. ALICE Yeah, do you know how to operate a car squisher

to make it not squish anymore? No, you don't. Because you're a cunt. RILEY It's an on-off switch. It's like a big lever on-off. ALICE That's not the line! ALICE I keep writing better lines! RILEY There's goons, though. There's goons. He's like, you know, just, just, do the movie, Nicolas Cage. There's goons, he's like, yeah, we'll shoot you in the head unless you do the movie, gone in 60 seconds.

He's got like two different goons, he's got like, Declement Atlee and Nye Bevan, like, fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, something that we haven't mentioned is the name of Nicolas Cage's character. Oh, fucking Memphis... Oh my god. Memphis Rains. Sounds like a porn star.

Shut up. Memphis Rains' character of JoJo ass. No, Memphis Rains did like, two Kink.com shoots in 2008. Like... Yeah, she directs now though, she's a great actress. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool. I mean, like, she directs now though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool. I mean, like, I personally, I think that no, I'm not gonna get into that. But yeah, so, so like Memphis

Reigns and Kip Reigns. And those aren't names. We see their mother in the next scene. I'm just like, you should be in fucking jail. Memphis, what are you doing, Hen? Maybe Memphis is a nickname, which means he chose the Memphis. It is. His birth name is Randall. You choose fucking anything. Okay, wait, wait, that changes the calculation completely because Randall Reigns is in the Kentucky Senate. Randy Memphis Reigns drives NASCAR, but Memphis Reigns just by itself, that's like...

Huge ass on her, huge! Memphis Reigns either, like, porn star or... You're insane. ...1920s jazz music, no, like, Delta Blues musician, who like, disappeared in mysterious circumstances. Notably, nobody named Randall or Memphis as somebody you would run into in Los Angeles. Mm. No. We do get some nice characterization there, this is some decent bit of screenwriting here,

cause we go back to Kip's house and Kip's like, I can handle it, don't worry, you don't have to help me out, and all the while he's trying to cook and he's like fucking it up, he's burning it, he's putting too much salt in it and stuff. It's a nice bit of characterization to show the right piece. Yeah. Show don't tell. Right. Nice writing. Yeah. And so Nicholas Cage is like, shit, I'm going to have to do the plot of the movie. Gone in 60 seconds. The whole thing is just like, the whole thing is just like, oh, it's, it's, it's the most like big brother has to protect

younger brother bond of all time. It's such a, it's such a perfect archetype of like a little brother character who's such a perfect's such a perfect archetype of like a little brother character Who's such a perfect sweetheart that everybody in the movie is moved to action just from hearing that he's in danger Yeah, and like my beautiful little brother Kip's gonna get fucking compacted unless we steal Everyone from this point on He's gonna be everyone from this point on, goes, not Kip! That Kip has been crushed into a cube. Noooo! And we only ever see Kip be a piece of shit.

That's true. So, so, so, Kay just like, alright, I gotta make some calls. My first call, I gotta find Robert Duvall. Like from the godfather. Yeah, from fucking Robbie. What are you doing in this mo-, did that not did the godfather not pay you enough that you had to do this? Yeah. He goes to see me and he's like, do you want to be in the movie Gone in 60 Seconds? He's like, no, not not really. But I need just for Kip.

And he's like, he passes a speech check right where where Robert was like, hey, you remember this puts on a tape that's already loaded in a cassette player, and it's just like engine noise. And fucking Memphis, Tennessee. Oh, I remember this. Yeah. This is where the movie begins to show that in 2000, America was beating to independently reinvent futurism. They all want to fuck the cars and this is what gets them hard. It's the homo-sociality of constructing elaborate rituals to talk passionately about things you like with other men. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, oh yeah, remember 74, man? Memphis, lower Egypt says, uh, oh that's the fuckin' like V12 quad cam Ferrari ends I don't know cars and I don't care but it's a 275 GTB from Daytona and 73 is what he says Because this is the way that our brains are wired this is why you needed me here is because like I get this This is the only part of the movie that is realistically written to me I was an older brother who was like obsessed with protecting protecting my younger brother, that's all like schlock. The car guys, turned on by the cars, they all wanna fuck the cars. Makes complete sense.

They wanna fuck the cars. It's so clear that, as you say Abi, it's a way for men to socialise with each other in a way that's like, a kind of accepted framework for enthusiasm. STORM I mean, hell there are, I'll take it over like, fucking pick-up artistry or shit like that, that's the worst thing they could be doing. ALICE It's a tape, though, so like, he's heard it before, why wouldn't he know?

Anyway. STORM Strange. ALICE So he's like, we gotta make 15,000 phone calls, cause we need like, 50 guys. And then there's a whole, like, I don't know, what feels like an hour of the movie of just them making phone calls, and people being like, no I can't do it because I don't want to. ALICE Oh, I don't feel like it, I don't want to be in the movie gone in 60 seconds.

TRO I love a disappointment montage. ALICE Yeah. We get some- ALICE We get some racism. ALICE Pretty fucking shocking racism, yeah. TRO We get some unbelievable racism. ALICE The first guy we call is Chi McBride, this is all Cage's old crew, right, because something we didn't establish is that Alexis

Texas used to be- This is Chi McBride, yeah. Fucking Amelia Bedelia. He used to be the biggest car thief in the world, stole more cars than anyone else. He got away with it at some point before all this- He's doing the best car thief since Christ. The cops come to him and they're like, ah, you got away one time, uh, fucking whatever your name is, but- November Rain. Wait a fucking second here. Will get you stay retired, or will, or will... I just couldn't remember the name of another

porn star with a state in the name. Are you suggesting November is a weird name? It's not out there with Memphis. RILEY It is, but that's... NICOLAS I couldn't remember the name of another porn star that had a state in the name, but whatever. Look, I'm sitting here called Devon as a mononym, alright, I don't have a house. ALICE Get my dick sucked. RILEY No, don't get your dick sucked, it's a cool

name. It would be an insane name for Nicholas Gage to have in his movie. The cops are like, you used to be a great car thief, but fucking stay away from it. So he's calling all of his old crew, and Chi McBride is a driving instructor now, he got out of stealing cars. He's teaching an Asian woman to drive, and she can't drive! ALICE To the extent that it's comically dangerous

for everyone around her. RILEY There's like an Asian woman who can't drive, and he's like, I'm black! And you can't drive! And it's like, yay! Woo! Not just that she can't drive, he says, I'm black and I can't swim, which is- Yeah, he does, man!

Jesus fucking Christ! I didn't even know that was his stereotype! I've not heard that particular racial stereotype. It's an American one, it's not like, it's a kind of more obscure one maybe, but it is one, yeah. I got it in Britain one time, genuinely, when I was like, doing head office calls for More Valley Farmers. I went round to like one group and like the guys were like, don't worry about it, genuinely don't worry about it.

Like there were people in the head office are just like Made like black people can't swim jokes at me and it's like what the fuck is going on It's it's been the turn of the century boys really Sounds like they just literally start saying cool racism It's just so abruptly- I was like 15, 16, I didn't know how to fucking deal with that in a moment, but like, yeah, just unbelievable. The movie could sense at this point that it was riding towards a low scum score despite

being a shit movie, and kind of felt like, oh we need to like pump that C, you know? The racism, yeah yeah yeah, pump the racism. We gotta C. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got to see baby. Someone else we have in the crew is Vinnie Jones, who is mute. He's me. Doesn't say anything. Works in a morgue. He's creepy. Don't worry about him. He's going to be around. He has like a, he kind of has like a really questionable haircut. His whole character is like, I feel like the way that they play him up is, is kind of questionable.

Not as questionable as the haircut of but a nice person on the list though. Yeah I will say Vinnie Jones is very much a character who is a neo-Nazi and you just don't ask him. Like, if he's in the crew, don't ask him what that tattoo means. As an actor I'm a Vinnie Jones defender, right? Like I like him- I love Vinnie Jones! We'll get to Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, right?

Um, but. Oh god, I wish we were watching those. Yeah, me too. But so, Austin, Texas goes to a bar where the one other person on his list is working, and that person working behind the bar is Angelina Jolie. Excuse me, excuse me, I have to interject something. She's not working in the bar is Angelina Jolie. Excuse me, excuse me, I have to interject something. She's not working in the bar first. First, he walks into a Ferrari dealership

and Angelina Jolie is working underneath a Testa Rosa with one, her hair is not tied back and she looks immaculate, which is not how this fucking goes, just for the record. But then she like, he meets her at the bar later and she's like, I have to work two jobs because I'm legit now. Yeah, exactly. She's like, oh, it takes twice as much effort. Do you know how much money you make as a Ferrari mechanic?

That is not like that is not an unskilled position of labor. Pre recession. Pre recession. Pre 9-11. She would turn him down for not needing the money. It's like, I'm the one person on the west coast who knows how to service this one beautiful aluminium part that gets made in Modena and then flown, like, shipped in a kind of plane filled entirely with velvet to the US kind of thing. But also, we gotta talk about her aesthetic here, because... RILEY This, uh, listen.

She looks fucking awful. ALICE What they did to this woman. RILEY Here's the thing, she's Angelina Jolie the whole time, but hair and makeup dragged her backwards through a fucking bush every morning and gave her like, white girl dreadlocks. ALICE They dragged her backwards through the set of the Matrix reloaders. RILEY They gotta stop doing this to her.

She looks bad. Like she's Angelina Jolie, but she looks awful. She looks tragic. Deep in this theory, she actually in the Ferrari scene, she does not have dreadlocks and then she does at the bar, implying that she like decided she needed to look. She was like, oh, I need to get dressed up after working on this Ferrari all day, let me go get dreadlocks. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, the pelt dreadlocks. Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a white guy heritage thing. No, it isn't. I think she's got like blue contacts in as well. Yeah. It's like-

I'm not gonna say she does. She looks- It's strange seeing Angelina Jolie before she hit the big become Angelina Jolie button, because this is- It's not even It's strange seeing Angelina Jolie before she hit the become Angelina Jolie button, because this is- It's not even true, though. Angelina Jolie, fresh off of Hackers, this is like a young Jolie. It's not, though, she won a best supporting actor Oscar the year before this, for Girl

Interactive. Nice work. She came off an Oscar to do this. That's fucking awful. Yeah, No. So she's meant to be Texas Presley's former partner. And I don't know how true this is, maybe it's just a vibes thing, I don't know how old these two actors are for real, but like, he's old enough to be her dad, right? Real Indiana Jones Marion type beat, you know, like, or Leon the Professional.

Yeah. Uncomfortable. She looks about 19 in this, it's so weird. Anyway. She doesn't wanna do it because she's like, she doesn't boost anymore, she's got a non-boost lifestyle. Yeah, she's legit now, she's not boosting anything at all. And so, Cage is like, they're gonna squish Kip.

And that still doesn't move her, she doesn't- Shit, they're like, she's gonna squish Kip. They still doesn't move her. She doesn't- They're like, she's got a squish kip. They're gonna cube my boy. They're gonna cube my fucking boy. And it still doesn't- it doesn't sway her. It doesn't move her, yeah. She gets a little bit interested, because obviously she loves the archetype of the perfect little brother, but not quite enough, and she needs a little bit more to get her, like,

properly on board with this. ALICE Yeah. At this point the movie's like, well, they loved the racism, we gotta dial that up again. Oh, fuck. Cause at this point America Ferrera goes outside, and this rival thief fucking turns up. ALICE Yeah, Tony Macaroni. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm prepped to start a Tony Macaroni bit going.

The deuterro antagonist of this movie, which is just, like, gang members miscellaneous. Right? I feel bad for this actor. Mm. This one guy whose character name I don't remember because it's not a character, is like... Johnny B. Johnny B. Johnny B. has beef with Virgil Texas,

because, like, he was never gonna come back- he was exiled, functionally, from Long Beach, right, and now he's returned, like, upelist. And obviously, Johnny B is not having this, right, cause he's like, the last time you were here, you snapped the fucking dicks off all the Herm statues and then you went to Sicily to like, fuck around and now you're back and I'm gonna kill you. And so, so, um, fucking- Vinnie Jones has the save. Yeah, then the neo-Nazi blows up the black man's car.

Which is basically the correct way to summarize that scene. It's a lot like there's one scene in The Warriors, which I really like, it's a great movie, but I really like it, where they get out of a gang fight by just setting fire to a car down the street and everybody goes, ugh, and forgets about the gang fight. Same deal, right? So, they get out of the situation, and then we get- Some very choppy 2000s action editors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we get a bit of reflection from Paris, Texas, who's like...

Mm-hmm. If- If- So. It's a Wim Wenders joke. It's like, if my- It's a great movie. If our dad hadn't died, we would be- because he goes to see his mom, right? To be like, can you help with this Kip thing? And... His mom, Laura Palmer's mom from Twin Peaks,

fucking Grace Zabrinsky. And Laura Palmer's mom from Twin Peaks is like, when you got out of boosting, when you got ostracized from Long Beach, your brother was like, I'm gonna give up boosting too, but he didn't. And then- He didn't give up boosting. He's still boosting. He's still boosting! He's having those middling British shot of us. So Reno Dakota's like, this would never have happened if our dad didn't die, and that's why we're crimesmen, that's why we're boosters, right?

We're crimesmen, yeah. We love it. But also, I love it. So at this point, all the crew get together, Dakota Fanning and his crew get together with Kip and his crew, and they're like, oh, we don't want to include the young boy, Kip, he shouldn't do this, you stay out of it, and he's like, oh, we have to be here, because we know about computers. Yeah, these guys know about the finest computer of 2000. ZACH He does fascinating things with computers, is for real. We're in a furthest character.

ALICE The thing is, the thing I like about this is, the stuff that he actually hacks is the stuff that you would actually want to hack. He can get into the fucking DMV and change addresses and registrations and stuff, and it's like, that is a legitimately useful skill, right? And like, it's from... It's... I don't know.

It's surprising. Also Angelina Jolie is like, fuck it, I'm in the movie. Yeah, she's like, I guess you're doing to be in the movie. She doesn't even acknowledge that, she's just like, here. She just shows up. She says, I'm here for Kip, and I'm like, do you guys know each other? No. Do you even have a line together?

This is genuinely the most fucked to bits thing for watching a movie from 2000, is seeing Angelina Jolie just be in a movie, just sort of like, generally, rather than being like, that's Angelina Jolie! She's just sort of in the background of a lot of these scenes, and it sucks. I feel so bad about the way that movies, I mean, still are, but used to get written about, because I read some of the reviews that came out of this movie at the time, and one of them is such a bad piece of writing it just sticks with me. I gotta scroll up past all the handjob stuff in the group chat here to find this.

There's a lot. This is handjob, handjob, handjob. Stadler and Waldorf, Longhair, Daniel Craig, where the fuck- Yeah we were talking about the Saint Maud earlier on. Jessica Alba. Somebody described her lips as like fleshy tubes, like one of the contemporary reviews. Steven Hunter, lifetime bitch in the Washington Post says, all she does in this movie is stand around, cooling down, modelling those fleshy pulsating muscle tubes that nest so provocatively around

her teeth. D- Fuck me. A- Go to prison! D- What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? A- Listen, I think we should be normal about women. D- This movie does not share your belief. Yeah, no it really doesn't. The critics didn't, but like, she's, he is right in the extent that she's just here, right?

But like, I'm not thinking about her muscle tubes, dude. Like, go to prison. I've been watching a bunch of like, 2000s sort of like, uh, movies just to kind of like, remember what the end of history felt like, as I now am living through it very much Like this so I watched like the pussycat dolls and like or not. Why do I keep doing that? It was a band that I was into Josie and the Nose a cozy in the pussycasts is a very different thing and like legally blonde and it's like I am realizing it now As an almost 30 year old woman Who did not realize that she was open for the large

part of her childhood that wow this ship was fucked no wonder I have weird ideas about what my body should look like it's so insanely unhealthy and it permeates every single movie even ones where it's like Angelina Jolie is like off to the side like yeah this movie was viscerally upsetting to me I just like it, it's the only thing that stands out as being anything memorable, and it's because it was so upsetting. ALICE But so, Cage gives them the pitch, which is, 50 cars, fucking like, three days at this point, because they procrastinated for two days, which is very relatable.

And we're gonna give all of the cars women's names. And at this point I go, this guy wants to fuck the cars. This guy's fucking the cars! I really, like, I'm joking about the futures thing, but also at the same time, like, I'm not. The whole, like, they're all women, we have to we it's like about the conquest right like we gotta go steal All these cars like cage repeatedly refers to these is like don't give me any trouble now I don't want to hear any back talk. It's like what the fuck man

Yeah, they offer a sort of hand wave justification where they say that oh It's because if anyone's listening in on the radio as we're talking to each other They won't know we're talking about cars And I'm like you could have called these you could have called them anything. Your code name could have been anything. They could have been colors, they could have been numbers. In the 70s movie, they're kind of like, yeah, we won't fuck the cars. Because the guy who made the movie wanted to fuck the cars. And so it's- Just being honest about wanting to fuck the cars.

Yeah, no, the Mustang named Eleanor, I absolutely would like to sleep with it. ALICE It's just, it's weird, cause like, also you can tell that when a guy wants to fuck the car, because he starts using she her pronouns for the car, independent of just using it as a code name, or he's like, oh this car, she, you know, and it's just like, interesting, okay, feminized cars, the men want to fuck the cars as a homosocial activity, together. What if Gabriel de Nuzio was a car thief in 2000 in Long Beach? Gay, gay pronouncements. But the other thing that Phoenix Marie says is that we're gonna steal them all in one

night. Yes. Choconore, as soon as they're reported stolen, will already be away. Will be gone in twelve hours, really. Not in sixty seconds. Not the title of the movie. We'll be ready to go. So first we gotta do some recon, we gotta waste the other two days of doing recon.

So we get a bit of Cage doing some coke acting, where he goes to a Ferrari dealership. Oh is that what that was? Yeah yeah yeah, where he's like, trying to be. Oh, is that what that was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he's like, trying to be like, I'm the kind of piece of shit who would buy a Ferrari. Right. Where do you keep your Ferraris, and what's the code to the fucking entrance? Yeah, genuinely. And this works, by the way.

There's also a very giffable cage thing where he enters that scene turning around 180 with a pair of sunglasses in his mouth, it's fucking weird. Mirror Man, who's the guy who was yelling he was stealing cars, he says some more racist stuff about black people not liking the cold. He says, we're tropical, we don't like the cold. I'm like, okay, I'm not sure about that. He's there to do that, yeah. They're watching one car, and I think Del Rolando is in a surveillance van watching them, and

they're like, on the radio, the boosters are, and they call Magnum P.I. a faggot? Yeah, they do. They describe him as faggy. Which is funny, but also, I don't know if you can be saying that like yeah Yeah, I mean, let me let me be clear Magnum PI was getting his back walls like blasted by the Higgins guy like Real like yeah, it was really and there's one sorry I was just gonna say it's really it just felt like a very good cultural timepiece to be like Here's a bunch of racism that we wrote into our black character

Also, we're going to say the word faggot immediately after that. We can resume with the plot now, but we just had to remind you where you were in American history. In 2000. Yeah. We added a bunch of black people to our movie so that they could say, we brackets as black people are like this throughout the whole fucking movie. It sucks every time. It always does. Yeah. And it's crazy how recent the genuine racism is. This is the year 2000. It's just unbelievable

stuff. There's one very special car on the list, which Tennessee Williams has been trying to steal for years. He's like, this, yeah, yeah, Gary Indiana's like, this motherfucker knows so much about medieval history, I'm excited to get to steal Eleanor Janneger, friend of the show. Yes. Yeah yeah. It's a 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500.

She's the hottest car. And also a dangerous car. He wants to fuck this car, my notes say he's gonna fuck this car. I also do. He wants to fuck this car, hunks. It's the he's gonna drink our piss bit from Auntie Donna, but with, he's gonna fuck this car my notes say he's gonna fuck this car he wants to fuck this car it's the he's gonna drink our piss bit from Auntie Donna but with he's gonna he's gonna fuck this car he's gonna fuck this car no i'm not um just put a bib on he's ready to do it he like caresses the car so also just as like another piece of oh my god what the fuck was going on in

the 2000s that is a very heavily modified version of this, like, very iconic car that was like mangled by Chip Foose, who was like, Oh my God, what is a good analogy for them? There was a television show called Overhaul and on like whatever like channel that had like hot rod shopper guy era stuff. I don't remember what this was. It's like Monster Garage, right?

This is like such a very narrow window of American car culture where they were like look at this boomer car We put big rims on it and now it's fucking cool. And this is this car specifically and it's disgusting and I hate it Another sacrilege committed against like the car people of the world and I took it personally So as they're leaving Eleanor, they're like, what do you wanna do? And fucking Excelsior New York State is like, I wanna get a chocolate malt, which I wrote down Joe Biden, question mark? So they go to get a chocolate malt, in the course of doing this they kill like 200,000 Palestinians.

I got a Chevy Cadillac. And the fucking Dutro antagonists show up again. The gangbangers. Yeah, Johnny B's back. Johnny B shows up. And let's get these motherfuckers out of here and try for an antagonist. Johnny B what? It's certainly not killing these guys, because all he does is like-

He's also in the exact same car they just blew up, notably. Like, down to the wheels. It's got great service. He chases them into like a gas station, like, dyno thing, where there's like a cop car parked outside, like a sheriff's department car, and both Kip and uh, fuckin' Savannah are like, okay we're just gonna hide out in here until you leave, and this is when Cage hits a very racist I.T. ALICE Yeah! He does say that. ALICE In a racist way.

ALICE He does a black sent. ALICE For real. ALICE Yeah. I didn't pull the drop because I didn't want to, or feel like it. Yeah. That's not nice. I don't like that. But they attached Johnny B's car to a truck so that when the truck pulls out it's trashed and the cars find him and his mates in their car with guns.

Well they actually come running out with their guns drawn on them, which I thought was an interesting bit of 2000s culture in America. ALICE Yeah. Yeah. Those guys don't come back, so... ALICE No, they were killed by the LASD, I can only assume.

So, uh, then, they go back to the fucking warehouse with Robert Duvall, and Kip has stolen a car from, like, on the list before the time that they were supposed to do it. No, that wasn't Kip, wasn't it some other- wasn't it some other character? It's Frep, and it's not on the list. Okay, sorry, my bad. That's the whole point, is Frep steals this car from somewhere in China to Frep. What the fuck is- His name is Frep, his voice name is Frep.

I don't know, Frep. This is like, political shit, every day I have to be introduced to somebody with like a one syllable name and I'm just like, who the fuck, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is like, this is James Duvall. Three layers deep metamorph just being like, oh hey sorry is it okay if I like vape in here? No motherfucka get out of my house! It's not okay. Is it okay that I stole this car that has a bunch of heroin in? No!

This is kind of blending towards Nevada. So yeah, he stole a car from Chinatown because he thought it was cool, and it's got a bunch of heroin in the trunk. DEL ROY LINDO Heroine! ALICE Heroine! And the only reason this exists is because it's also a plot point in the 70s one. DEL ROY LINDO Really? ALICE Yeah.

DEL ROY LINDO Oh yeah, that makes sense. ALICE At this point, Del Roy Lindo takes this moment to go and rattle their cage a bit. DEL ROY LINDO They just like let him in. They're like, oh, we have this car full of heroin. We're all about to have a warrant. He's not like you can't. He can't just be like the cops in this movie do not obey any laws whatsoever.

They've already like threatened to end a guy's parole if he doesn't like spill more info that he may not even have. The next scene, they like threatened to beat the shit out of a guy in a bathroom, in like a dingy bathroom. It's like 24 Jack Bowers shit, but it's like before 9-11, which makes it even more off-putting. SIDDHU But for specifically, one of the least glamorous institutions I can imagine, the car theft bureau of the Long Beach Police Department. ZEKE No, he's deputized by the governor.

They have a- they have a caption on screen at one point. It's the governor's office on car theft. Jeez. This is crazy. Gavin Newsom personally wants these cars fucking recovered. You know, I- I could buy that. I could buy Gavin Newsom having an army of cops investigating like Jaguar X, J220 theft. Anyway, uh-

That is true, yeah. Gavin Newsom can suck my trans cock, if I say that much. Hell yeah. But so... Fuck. Call that a podcast? Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you, Gavin Newsom. So like, you get what's intended to be a tense scene where he's like, even stealing cars,

and they're like, no, not yet. And he's like... Don't have any crimes? Yeah, he's looking at this car which is full of heroin, and then he connects with it because he's also a car guy, and he's like, hey, that's a cool fucking... it's a Cadillac, I think. I don't care. It's a Cadillac with like a knot, it's a really bad spec. I don't understand why he gets into this thing, those motors did not sound very good. He's like, ooo.

He gets to rev the engine and go like, ooo, and it's like, cool. Yeah, he like, visibly loves it, he's having suchvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Lindo leaves. And so, like, fucking... The guy, Nicolas Cage has to go into his John Wick car thief boosting stash, and he pulls out this leather jacket that's meant to be like, oh, his iconic leather jacket or whatever. Except... Just looks normal. Yeah, right. But I was so tired, at the point that I said aloud, I tried to call him Memphis Bell, like a World War II bomber, but what I said was, and I have never heard the fucking end of this since, I said, is

that Belvis Mel's iconic leather jacket? Yeah, that's Belvis Mel's. That's Belvis, baby! And so the name of the group chat that I'm in for my household basically is now Belvis Mel's With one other person that's not a group chat. That's just your wife No, I mean, it's my wife and then her wife and my girl Belvis meld I'm over it's the frap renamed to the chat

Belvis Mel and Fred Fred's gonna crash on the couch for a few notes, they had a fight with Frepp parents. ALICE Don't fucking talk to me about crashing on the couch. NICHOLAS Yeah, speaking of, I'm coming through. ALICE Genuine anger, right, so the jacket looks like shit also. The jacket has some problems.

NICHOLAS Yeah. ALICE The jacket looks awful. ALICE He puts on the whole armour of boosting and he gives them this speech, right, on the evening of battle. And the speech is, it's real bad. It's like three lines. I don't remember any of it, what is it? It's like, uh, we gotta do this so that Kip does not get squished.

Goodbye. I love all of you, keep me in your heart forever. Yeah. I'm Dakota Johnson and I love stealing cars. Goodbye. I love all of you. Keep me in your heart forever. DECOTA Yeah. I'm Dakota Johnson and I love stealing cars. ALICE Yeah. It was weird. He does a bunch of references to all 50 states and then... DECOTA Yeah. Check your mirrors, use your indicators.

That's all I remember about driving. ALICE He gets one of his heist crew guys. DECOTA I'm Dakota Fanning and my brother will not be killed by Christopher Eccleston. ALICE And I endorse this message. And he gets one of his boys to play- Christopher Eccleston, by the way, listeners, you might be thinking, where is he? Has he turned up to menace them to remind them of the chicken clock? No, not after him. He's in his fucking trailer.

He's reading a novel, getting paid- He's carving furniture. That's his only passion in life. He's chilling, top billin'. Yeah, so like, fucking, he plays Loh low rider. You remember the song low rider from, from the very early 2000s and cage has like kind of a minor seizure to his own hype music. And it's like, this is where the like, okay, let's ride bit comes from is from this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Awful. That's this bit. Yeah. Then we have a cop, a fucking cop. We

don't have any cops. The cops are gone. We have a car the thieving montage Which is not really very interesting happens Well, you get like one shot a piece of some kind of cool. It's kind of wild because like one of the other movies I watched recently was the original Blues Brothers, which has like a bunch of yeah Smashing up cars and racing around and it's like so incredibly well shot cars and racing around, and it's like, so incredibly well shot. And just an absolute delight to watch that entire movie. And this is like, they've got all the stuff that I would be interested in, they have cars, they're driving them fast, they're stealing them, and it's just like, this is the most boring fucking montage of car theft I have ever seen

in my life. ALICE Yeah. This also runs to Can't Stop the Rock, which is, again, the soundtrack's really intrusive. Then they literally rip a bit from Heat, like, one to one, where, um, so, fucking, I can't think of any more states. Augusta Georgia is going to steal this one car that Delroy Lindo and the other cops are watching, and he realizes he's being watched, and stares them down and just leaves without committing any crimes. Yeah, he's top short of it.

Yeah. He calls one of the other guys who's doing the things and tells him over the phone, the ladies are dirty. Which, um... Yeah, I'm sure they are, but... Yeah, this is a bit earlier where someone's just like, why do we call them girls' names, and he's like, hey, listen, let's just get really fucking weird about the cars.

We wanna fuck the cars. I believe in this montage, one of the scenes is they try to steal Donald Trump's Lamborghini. A car is like a woman, it's like property, and it's like acquirable by like surprise and force, right? And doing that makes you able to relate to other men. Jesus Christ.

So. Yeah. So they realized that it's only the Mercedes that are being watched because of the cops were in the warehouse at the start of the movie. So they're like, oh fuck, they know that we're after these particular Mercedes. Yeah, Tumblr, the guy has like a specific guy that he goes to to get the keys for these guys.

Right. Tumblr, the guy. Tumblr, also known as Big Mormon, in our previous episodes, has a guy who he goes to to get the keys cut. Right. And this is the guy that like fucks him over. Basically, it's the guy that they threatened in the bathroom in the dingy bathroom that back up into a corner. Yeah, we're gonna kill you Oh, yeah, we've missed out a whole bunch of plot because it's not important and I don't yeah And I'm myself I don't know what's going on man. What is dog eats the car keys and have to feed it laxative So the only thing they do with this subplot is they are racist again. Mm-hmm That's all they do with it

they they have like a scene where there's like a couple of like Latino men in a like very stereotypical 58 Impala and then they are very racist typical 58 impala, and then they are very racist. One of those men is Michael Pena, from Furion, like End of Watch and a bunch of other stuff, like really good actor. He's like 12 years old and his role is gangbanger who is disgusted by a man riffling through dogshit with his bare hands. So I just was like, why is this here? And I think the answer is this movie loves racism.

It's really, honestly, the movie is- That's gotta be it, right? The movie really, like, makes an effort to be racist to every group possible, to the point that I wonder if it was intentional. So at this point we gotta get the only kind of subplot that's less compelling to me than a dog laxative subplot, which is a romance subplot. Here we go. Because Jolie and Cage are outside a mansion waiting to steal a Lamborghini Diablo.

Yeah, Angelina White dreadlocks Jolie is hanging out in the car, ready to see what's going on. Yeah, because the couple are fucking inside the house with the blinds open, and they're watching them. It's Donald Trump's Lambo. Is it actually? He owned one of those, yes, in very similar spec. It could actually have been Donald Trump in Long Beach.

For fuck's sake. For fuck's sake. Grim. We keep getting Trump scared on this podcast. So vicariously, Jolie's character gets horny, right? And so you get this incredible line where she asks him, what's better, stealing cars or having sex, and he says, having sex while stealing cars. He goes, how about this, having sex while stealing cars.

She's like, whoa! They like, make out in the car, in a way that she straddles the gear shift in a way that makes it look like her cock, which... Cool. And they're just naming car parts? like straddles the gear shift in a way that makes it look like her cock, which... Cool. And they're just naming car parts? Yeah, they're doing like weird hand stuff while Nick Cage, while fuckin' Gary India, is just saying like, car words.

Yeah, like true cunts or whatever. Oh, transmission, aww, gear stick. He starts with the transmission bit and then he just starts naming random shit. Like it's literally no connection to anything that's happening. I've never really fucked like a car person. Is that how it works? I'm so glad you said person. I've never fucked a car either!

Just gonna clip that, never really fucked a car. Next bonus episode to Tom. Yeah go ahead and clip that, that'll be embarrassing for me, me saying I've never really fucked a car. Hey, check this out. I've never fucked a car either. That's not in my list of things I've done. I think a few people have. I play never have I ever.

Fine. Fucking drinking. I've put a finger down. I haven't fucked a car. As a car person who sometimes does have sex, I do not name random engine components while I am getting laid. It's just maybe, maybe you should start. Maybe this is what you're missing.

Yeah, that's on you. Honestly. Yeah. It's also, it's very interesting because like the two leads here have absolutely no chemistry at all. I'm sorry. No, no shade to either. Then they're both good actors.

They just like, no, nothing going on. Chalk and cheese. It's very interesting and funny to outsource your sexual chemistry to two background actors who are fucking in the window, so instead of having actual sexual tension between your leads, you've got it between other people. NARESH And they do cut to the interior of the house and show this random couple fucking as the Diablo pulls out of the driveway. ALICE Yeah.

ALICE It's like, this bit is like T-Tan, but for sishats. So meanwhile across town the rest of the crew are stealing a completely normal SUV, and in the course of doing that, one of them gets shot by the most dangerous military force in America, suburban rent-a-cops, and they rip off the backseat gunshot bit from Reservoir Dogs. Like one of them is bleeding out in the backseat like fucking Mr. Blue. Um, and- I think it's F.R.E.B.

F.R.E.B. For real. I mean, fucking thank god at this point. Like F.R.E.B. with a B. I think it's F.R.E.B. Yeah. I have a real F.R.E.B. vendetta at this point.

I come by it honestly. I hope they kill Phreb. I hope they kill Phreb. I'm not interested in Phreb. Phreb, get out of my movie. Uh huh. There's a half an hour left of this movie at this point. It's crazy, they start doing the fucking full on heist, I pause the movie coincidentally

to go to the toilet and I see that there is 50% of the movie remaining. And I'm like, wow. They have to break into the police impound to steal back the Mercedes that were impounded at the start. Mirror Man does some antics to distract them, blah, blah, blah. For some reason, there was a scene where the neo-Nazi and it goes and steals a Hummer and they were like run through some cops

who somehow recognize they're stealing this car even though there's no connection to the main... I don't know how the cops know the car is being stolen, but then the Hummer smashes through an Oldsmobile and it's the greatest visual for 9-11 hitting America I've ever seen. ALICE and ALICE- Per real, yeah. ALICE- in the background, says, like, purple hammer. But so, at this point, uh, Lindow's like, Daria Lindow's like, we gotta... the car he's most scared of, the car he's most

sexually threatened by, the car he experiences as a direct assault on his genitals, is this fucking Shelby. RILEY My note that I wrote down for this is, he fears the woman he cannot break. ALICE Yeah, for real. RILEY I don't fear the man who cannot break. ALICE Yeah, for real. ZACH I don't fear the man who cannot break a thousand women, I fear a thousand women who've never broken a car, too. ALICE Yeah, for sure.

ZACH That's about what the dialogue of this movie is. ALICE So, like, they're gonna do surveillance on this one car, Eleanor, right, there's this codename as Eleanor. And of course Cage steals Eleanor, and he then, we get what should be like a 40 minute car chase, but he's got one move, right, and this is the kind of car chase that's filmed in a way that you can talk about moves, he spams the heavy attack of U-Turn, and so the cops are like, you know, running into buses and wrecking balls and shit, and like, bollards and each other, and meanwhile he just cops are like, you know, running into buses and wrecking balls and shit, and

like, bollards and each other, and meanwhile he just hits the like, I do a U-turn. Every time. Happens like twelve times. Eventually. He drives backwards like it's Tenet. Yep. He does do that. I must be seeing an Xbox, because I'm turning 360 degrees and fucking walking away.

When they're racing through the docks and wantonly endangering all of the people's lives, because the cops just like refuse to stop chasing them cause they live for it, there's a brief moment where we have a helicopter shot as he's driving and he's doing like 25 miles an hour, like tops. If it's not shaky cam, it's like, oh my god, he's tearing up a suburban neighborhood by going five over. At this point, I'm so desperate that like my note says, if I said aloud, we've got 20 minutes left of this, that's like two sets of 10 minutes, we can do that.

I was desperate for this to be over. It drives up the LA river at one point. There's also, well, there's your problem incident where the cops like smash into a propane tank and it goes flying around and like- Yeah that was cool! I loved that! That was creative! It becomes the like, cop-seeking, homing propane tank.

Yeah! This is why the film starts to get a little bit creative, because it's not just cars crashing, like they hit a propane tank that flies around all over the place and they're going through construction sites and cop cars are getting hit by record balls and stuff, it's cool. This is the point where the movie comes alive. ALICE Does anyone remember the PS2 game Stuntman? No. Okay.

RILEY I played the spiritual successor Split Second. But my mom wouldn't let me play Stuntman because I had a tea reading or something, because I was a good altar boy. ALICE I'm so sorry. That was a great game and a terrible game to give a young woman who was about to develop OCD. Very reminiscent of this. Anyway, so there's a bit where a cop car gets bodily thrown through two walls and then they

have to include, to keep the rating, a shot of the cop getting out, being like, ooh, damn, that was crazy, I'm fine though. That guy was a liquid, that was crazy. He gets hit through a building by a fucking wrecking ball or something, and then you have to have the sort of thing getting out and being like, I'm fine, I'm okay, boy. Yes. They poured him out of that car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sure.

But listeners, if you know anything about LA and driving, you're probably asking yourself, hang on a minute, this is all incredibly unrealistic, because if it was realistic, they would steal the cars and then they would be sitting in those cars for about five hours going nowhere. So at this point in the film, for the first time, Nicole's cage hits the traffic. Yes. And he does it. He does it. On the bridge that killed Crispin Glover and Charlie's Angels 2.

The Crispin Glover Memorial Bridge in Long Island. Yeah. It's not in Long Island, it's in Long Beach. Long Beach! Long Beach! I... the fucking States thing has thrown me... Similar concentrations of fascists, I think, between the two places, probably. Yeah, the geography of this is all fucked up.

He was driving north on the LA River at one point, now we're going back... whatever. The Crispin Glover Memorial Bridge in Long Beach, they're holding their yearly Crispin Glover Memorial, right, or whatever the fuck it is, and they've conveniently left a tow truck with the ramp down, angled in such a way, it's got written on it, you can ramp this shit, Playboy. Like, it's fine, you don't need those twelve versabrake. You can live without them. As a legend. Right? Are you gonna dishonor the memory of Crisp and Glover right now by not ramping this tow truck? It's weird that it says all that, it's in smaller

and smaller fonts each time, like an optician item. RILEY It says it in Welsh as well, which is odd. ALICE They should make a tow truck that doesn't whisper to you in Welsh. RILEY The language of God! The language of God talks! Absolutely. That's the behind the paywall joke, listeners.

But so he ramps it. He ramps the fucking... to the car, the special car. I have a question. They're stealing these cars to order, right? Does the car that you buy stolen need to have suspension? Or is it just fine if it doesn't? Well this comes up! Yeah, that's a problem. There's a bit after he ramps it where like,

he like knocks one of the like wing mirrors off, and it genuinely seems to make, if you follow the kind of textual logic of it, it seems to suggest that like, cars are women, and women are irrational because they get upset when you hit them, because he knocks the wing mirror off and the car stalls and he's like, oh don't do this to me Eleanor. And it's like- Yeah, right? He's totally like, don't do this Eleanor. To her, like, as the car. He's just, don't start with me, and it's like- I unfortunately, as somebody who named her van for a woman, and then lived in it for

six months, around month three and a half you start doing that. You're like, when the van wouldn't turn over I'd be like, come on, Marsha, you can't be doing this to me. ALICE I feel like living inside a woman for six months is significantly weirder than fucking a woman. I'd like... NICOLA You've already done it! You did it for nine months!

We all did! ALICE Oh god, you're right. NICHOLAS I lived inside a woman for nine months, yeah, no worries. Easy. NICHOLAS We were out about choking choking to death, dying, and behaving shit. She already had a name too! It's true.

So, uh, like, he gets there, and obviously they're like, couple of things, also this is the most obnoxious British guy you've ever seen, just to handle these around. I like that all of his goons are Brits as well, I love it. Yeah, this is the British gang. And so the British guy's like, it's more than my job's worth, mate. Because not only are you like, 12 minutes late after doing all that shit, but also, you've fucked the car up. Car's trashed.

Yeah. Yeah. Sort of. So. At this point they go, Mr. Eccleston, we need you on set, and he goes, fuck yeah, alright, yeah. Holy shit. I'm in this movie?

Okay. Okay. Okay, here we go. Scene two! Day two! Fucking afternoon of day one, maybe. If you get through it faster than- He just went back to his woodwork.

Aw, bloody hell. It's so important to have hobbies and like make space and really hold that time, you know? But, so- Well, you've heard of Goldfinger? This is Woodfinger. Woodfinger, this is Woodfinger. Woodfinger. Eugh. Splinter.

He tries to shoot Cage, and Cage unlocks the, um, uh, like, Max Payne dodge. Yeah, he does! He does! Christopher Ecclestone melee attacks Nicholas Cage with knuckle dusters, which I love, I'm like, yeah, fuck him up, Chris! This is a real, like, existential battle, because, like, Cage is fucking up the furniture, and you see that this is triggering and owning Ecclestone, and it's like, this FUCK HIM UP CHRIS! This is a real existential battle, because, like, K just fucking up the furniture and you see that this is triggering and owning Ecclestone, and it's like, this is man who fucks furniture versus man who fucks cars, right?

Yes. Wood versus metal. Yes. Tradition versus modernity. It's a fucking, it's a dialectic, it's the futurist manifesto is what's happening here. Now, the other thing is, like, so Eccleston's criminal business is built out of a junkyard that looks like a normal junkyard, but for plot purposes, because this was the only way they knew how to build tension with setting, has like a four story catwalk factory above

it. It's like flames and shit are jumping out. Yeah, the flames and smoke factory. It's the factory where they make the flames and smoke, and so every time you're in that location you have a bunch of flames shooting across the camera and showers and sparks. He needs that for his furniture, presumably. He's got a really big joinery workshop that involves a lot of flame etching and stuff. And so Christopher Eggleston pulls a gun and starts stalking him through the flame and

smoke factory. Did either of you clock what gun that is? I missed that. I didn't. No, I didn't. That is a war for PPK, maybe? How I am. Ooh, a gay gun for women?

That's the James... It's the gay gun for women, Barty! That's a gay- that's a homosexual firearm, James! That's a pussy's gun! That's the gun of a wanker! So Cage gets predictably knocked off a catwalk and is clinging on by his fingers. Luckily, Eccleston is in a chiefly metal environment, which he's weak to as a wood-type Pokémon. And, at this moment, Detective arriving on the scene, Delroy Lindo breaks in, and we get some more stalking through

the fucking catwalks, I'm sick of catwalks. And Eccleston gets the gun pointed at Delroy Lindo. At this point, the screenwriters realize, oh shit, these characters haven't met. So we get this really funny exchange, which to be fair, Christopher Eccleston completely fucking sells. He's like, who the fuck are you? And Jules Perlindo is like, I'm a cop. I'm a cop. Don't kill me. If you kill me, your life will be over. And Christopher Eccleston says, you've got it the wrong way around. If I kill you, your life will be over. Get out. And he's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And it seems like Christopher

Eccleston is just going to shoot this guy no reason, when he could just say, hey, Nicolas Cage is in here, you gotta help me. Wanted car thief? Wanted thief, who you're after, yeah. Serial booster? Legitimize this, but he's just like, I'm just gonna fucking kill you because I'm crazy like that. And he hates Americans. Dude, fucking Manchester, and I hate America.

And then Cage saves Delroy Lindo's life by kicking Christopher Eccleston off the catwalk. He does a great scream on the way down, he's like, aaaaaaah. ALICE Not only a scream, but he manages to get a shot up at them on the way down, which I appreciate is a real hater move. Like, not only do I hate your country and baseball and all of its customs, I will be actively trying to kill you with my last conscious actions. Like... SONIA Yeah, love it.

He falls and he dies. He falls through the coffin. Falls into his coffin. Stupid. Yeah. Don't really do this like, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. No, it's so, it's a sick, funny pool. You know how, like, all the Fast and Furious movies, which we'll get to, involve a lot

of like, car sentimentality, right? Like it's about family, it's about found family through fucking the cars together. Well, we've gotta invent that before Fast and Furious. So we get another kind of sepia-toned reunion thing, where we get the line of all time, a brother's love is a brother's love. The guy who got shot is fine. Vinnie Jones isn't mute. He has to say something. Check out my... Yeah, don't really know, let's him go, cause he saved his life.

Nicholas Cage tells them where to find the cars, so they don't even get to keep the cars. You gotta shaven Robisi, because he's got his act together. A Sean Kip. Who looks like he's like twelve. He like loses like fifteen years when he shaves. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. And Kip... gotten his brother a set of car keys for the same card that Eleanor is, I

don't remember. Yeah it is. It's a 67 Shelby. Which incidentally is the hero car in a much better piece of intellectual property, Gunsmith Cats. Hell yeah. Gunsmith Cats, now we're talking intellectual property, Gunsmith Katz. ALICE Hell yeah. NICHOLAS Gunsmith Katz, now we're talking. RILEY Yeah, so good.

ALICE He gets in with Jolie to drive away into the sunset, and the ending is the car stalls. Funny. NICHOLAS Yeah. He gets the gull and the car, which are the same thing. RILEY This was... RILEY And then Nicholas Cage says, we declare that the splendor of the world has been enriched by a new beauty, the beauty of speed, a racing automobile with its bonnet adorned with great

tubes like serpents with explosive breath, a roaring middle car which seems to run on machine gun fire, is more beautiful than the victory of Samothrace. And then the movie ends. Yeah, yeah. Just looking straight down the camera. I'm gonna fuck that car. Yeah. And he fucks that car.

He fucks that car! He fucks that car and he fucks that woman because they're interchangeable luxury goods. RILEY He fucks both of them at the same time, yeah. ALICE Oh my god, Jesus Christ. This lasted like fourteen thousand years. It was time prison. I was in hell. I was in hell with Belver's Mail. I was- RILEY It's a boring movie. ALICE Yeah. It's a boring movie.

RILEY Yeah, but now that you're ten, how would you feel? ALICE Well! So, this is the thing, we don't just have to rate this thing subjectively, because much like the futurists, we have a science-based system. It's called the SCUMM system. It stands for SMARN. Cultural Insensitivity. Cars.

Cars. Automobiles. Automobiles. Yeah, yeah. Cars. Motorized Rolygans. Automobiles. CARS! AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AUTO-AU It's not, it's fucking smarmy, I'll say that for free. Yeah, it's pretty fucking smarmy. We'll get to it on cultural intensitivity, but getting to put your racism in the mouths of like, black characters to kind of launder it is pretty fucking smarmy as well as racist. Yeah, I think it feels, the movie thinks it's a lot cooler than it really is. I think what I'm missing from this movie, apart from more Christopher Eccleston, and

just as a basic structural thing, I'm like, you've got to have your villain be an act two of the movie and just remind us that he's here. But what I'm also missing is like, I'm missing a character who's not a car guy. Who's like, what's all this about? Why do you like it? Because I'm not a car person, but I can see that these characters care about it and they're interested in it. And I want to know why I'm like, include me here, you know? I need a character who's like really good at stealing other things who needs to be told like, oh, what I love about this car is this, you know? You're talking there about the character of Frep. Yeah. Who just gets nothing to do.

Well, I mean, if you want to say that should be more Frep in this movie, I'm not too tight. There's also, there's also, this is too many people in the crew. There's too many people in the crew. They don't have enough time. I don't care about any of them. I don't give a shit. It's not even like, there's like- Fucking Waste of Angelina Jolie, genuinely crazy to imagine. Not to grade on a curve, but like, Ocean's Eleven made all fucking Eleven of the more memorable personalities, and I think they have, I think it's fewer people. So-

Yeah, we did. Yeah, Smarm, I think, like a four? Four? Yeah. We went for that at the same time, let's go four. Cultural insensitivity. Ooh dear. Jesus fucking Christ.

So the only other episode that I've done of this was Cannonball Run. Which was the most racist movie of all time. This is probably, this has to be a nine because that's gotta be a 10. And I'm sorry we keep getting you on for the racist ones. Really bad racist movies notably. We'll get you on for a normal movie. Oh I'm sorry, that good racist movie is interesting.

Tell me about that. No, I would like it if I get you on for a good unracist movie. Can we manage that? Actually I don't think car people can make a good unracist movie. If you can think of one. Well so't think car people can make a good on racist movies. If you can think of one. Well, so we haven't done a good movie in a long time. We did Dog Day Afternoon, which

was good. I'd love to do a good movie at some point. Can we do Fast and the Furious? I actually genuinely- Yeah, we will. You should just record me watching the movie because I just get really into the cars for an hour and a half. Perfect. This is what this movie's messing with, is you, Victoria, to be like, what I like about this

car is this. They need me doing cultural critique. I'm standing there talking about the impotence of American masculinity is expressed through the suit and tie cops in the Oldsmobile and the new masculinity delivered by Futurism as the Hummer H1 slams through it. Hell yeah. CULTURAL INSENSITIVESI I mean, it's real high. ALICE Nine.

It's way up there. ZOE I don't know if we're that high, I was gonna go six. ALICE I'd comfortably go a six on this. ZOE Sure. ALICE Unprovoked violence, I mean, fucking, there's not enough anything in this movie, so even- They do some property damage, I suppose? They, textually, they don't even like hurt any cops, because all of the cops are like

Tetsuo Iron Man, get out of the thing, like, oh, that was intense, I feel perfectly fine with it. That was crazy, dude. No medical conditions. Next. Just like, check my blood pressure. 120 over 80. I'm good. My resting heart rate is 70.

Like just, we, the whole rest of the movie is just- The whole rest of the movie is just we get sit with the cops getting checkups and they're all just completely fine. Just so you know, Talyn loves the cops. I, I and they're all just completely fine, just so you know how much of a maid loves the cops. I, unprovoked violence here is like... none. NIL, I don't think of any. None, there is none. Yeah, very little.

There's no violence. Misogyny. Misogyny. Here we go, yeah, pretty sizeable amount of misogyny. So Julie's character gets to like, no cars. But that's- She does? Fuck all, that's the only thing she gets to do. She and, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like,

she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, it's disgusting. As a woman who likes cars, there is no scene in this where

I'm like, oh they're doing a nice job for my culture and people. It's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. I defer to you on this really, because I can't drive on too gay. It's also, I mean, just the way that he talks about Eleanor is just like, my god, I mean, I keep joking about the futurist thing, but I'm also not. It's pretty bad. It might be the first one where we give it a high misogyny score but the misogyny is mostly directed to objects. Like, instead of treating objects like women, it's treating objects like women, which is to say object. It's such a weird little matter. RILEY I'd say like an eight.

TANARESH You put it into the punitive zone, really. RILEY I hate- I think the other thing here we gotta remember is that like, I just fucking hate this movie. Like, obviously when Nova was like, do you wanna watch this movie? I was like, I will watch any movie for y'all, but also no. I fucking- this movie is terrible. So I would like to- I feel like I sat through it for two hours and was punished in doing so, and so I would like to punish this movie. You know what, I would too. And the thing is, it's high for our scoring, but I think we can get unfair with it. I think we can start getting unfair with it.

Also, you have to remember, some of us do talk to cars, and we do lovingly turn the key and put our blood, sweat, and tears into them and we give them women's names. And so, you know, as a lesbian who loves cars, I think that it's very misogynistic. Sure, whatever. 8 points. I'm happy to give it that, just because it's skate on the... This is why we got an expert on?

On the violence, right? So with that in mind- RILEY Well, that gives it a total score of... 18. Which is pretty bad. ALICE I mean, that's too low for how heinously unenjoyable this movie was, because I have some thoughts about film as a medium, because it's the thing that I'm passionate about. RILEY Yeah, we all do, that's the podcast.

Yeah. In the sense that, like, you spend $300 million of however much this costs to make something- What?! Yeah, I know, it's crazy, right? Yeah, real. No way it was that much! Yeah, but to make a movie of, like, no significance, like, everyone is forgetting it as they leave the theatre, this is the most anyone's thought about this movie for years, and it's like, it just... it's an insult, right? Like, this

is barbarous, but it's also the kind of thing that would then be made much worse and more kind of like, heinous by 9-11. So it's a real, like, this is a normal movie, right? And I say that in the sense that if you think that this is a normal movie, right? And I say that in the sense that if you think that this is a normal movie, you have to be anti-movie, right? Because this is a crime what it's doing, you know? You're pretty close, actually. The budget in today's money would be $193 million, which is an insane amount of money! For such a mediocre product. Most of that was the Jaguar.

Yeah, fully. Yeah. God damn it. I fucking hated this shit. And I... Yeah. Yeah, it's just such hard, just like start to finish, no good at all. Yeah. Boring movie. Boring. Go back to it again. Remake it, customize things in it.

I never, like, I almost always love, like, bad car movies. And I just find this unwatchable. I think is kind of the thing. Even as someone who has done cars as a career and owned like 58 cars, this just sucks. ALICE Well, the good news is- NICOLAS Save yourself an hour and fifty minutes and just watch Christopher Eccleston's scenes on YouTube. ALICE Yes, the good news is we will get more car movies soon, because this is the little kind of end of the heist

thing that we're getting into now, is the ones that involve more cars than not, which is a surprising amount of them. So stick around for that. Subscribe to the Patreon, our most recent bonus episode was Saint Maud. That was so fun. A film about a woman who jacks off a guy in a pub. It is true. Also God is in it.

Surprising amount of handjob thinking in these two movies, back to back. You've got The Stranger, you've got the Wetherspoons pub handjob. It's a rich text. Yeah, we're in a weird, unintentional handjob season? I don't wanna do handjob season. Kill James, well we are! Eventually we'll watch every handjob. Okay, so if anyone wants to tell me about the next Car Heist movie with a handjob in it

is, then we will go and do that. In the meantime, thank you so much for listening. Victoria, thank you so much for coming on. If the people want more Victoria, where can they find her? Uh, I have a Patreon that I post on, and I'm on Blue Sky, and I've abandoned all of their social media because I needed to limit my daily intake of fascism. Mm. Wise.

Fantastic. Well, thank you so much for listening, and we will see you next time. Bye, everyone. Beep beep! Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Next episode in two weeks time on the free feed, it's The Transporter with Statham. That's right. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then next week on the Patreon, patreon.com

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