Upstream - S4E12: The Transporter

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

Kill James Bond is setting our sights on the Fast and Furious movies, but we need to do a little genre research first. We need to- NEED to- watch Mr 'acquitted on all charges' himself, Luc Besson's English-language French Statham Vehicle, The Transporter! ----- Check out our hundreds of bonus episodes for just £5 a month at patreon.com/killjamesbond! ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. As you well know I've been working with a few gazan families to raise money for their daily living costs in the genocide. We're putting all our energy into this one campaign as we have a real chance to get Ahmed and his family out of Gaza. Please, if you can help in any way, be that by donating yourself or sharing the link with friends and family, it will mean the world to me. https://chuffed.org/project/124906-help-ahmed-and-family-evacuate-gaza ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com 

Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly joined as always by my friends Abigail, Thorne, and Devon. Hello! Vroom vroom. It's, it's cars season, kind of. It's cars sub-season, within heist season, unless we get bored and go back to less car-based heists. It's really, we do what we want, is the thing. And what we want is seldom clear to us.

It's a whole process of, like, you know, wants and needs and desire is a very strange and fluid thing, and right now, what we desire is to watch the transport of movies of which there's like, four. Yeah, I hear that there's four. Which annoys the hell out of me. New franchise just dropped. Yeah. Because I really, like, there are multiple points throughout this movie where I was like,

we need to stop and do these live instead. But, unfortunately, four of them, it's just way too much fucking to do four in a row. It's good. I mean, cards on the table, this was way better than I thought it was gonna be, and I think it's got some interesting charm, it's got some interesting quirks, it has some big problems too. It's bad, but not in the ways that I expected. Bad in a couple of the ways I expected, I will say.

ALICE I saw this, because this came out in 2002, so I must have seen it on VHS like a year later, so this was when I was 12 years old? So I think what we're doing here, certainly what I'm doing, is trying to judge 12 year old me's taste in movies, and find out exactly... Was I right that this whipped? Yeah, because I thought this whipped! I absolutely thought that this whipped, and I'm gratified to know that I actually was kind of right, this is just straightforwardly fun. It does whip.

I had only a dim memory of it, because I also came out in 2002, I was born then, obviously, and no time before that was I born. Yeah. No time to be born. And so I had a vague memory of it and then just thought, that'll be good for the podcast. And then I was actually quite pleasantly surprised. So we begin in the most romantic, most exotic location, Multistory Car Park. Yes. And listeners, we need to ask you a question. And that question is,

have you ever heard of The Matrix? Because this film sure fucking has heard of The Matrix. There's some real soundtrack choices going on here, and some credits. The soundtrack is just a fucking blatant ripoff, because the opening credits are like, The soundtrack is just a fucking blatant ripoff, because the opening credits are like, we start with some green CCTV footage that then resolves into the shot of the body story car park, it's so fucking Matrix. It even gives us the Matrix metal noise, it's like, BEEEWWEEEWEEE, and you're just completely fucking ripping that shit off. ALICE And we see, in the middle of this empty car park, a BMW 735i, which used to be James

Bond's car, and tomorrow never dies, it's the one that he drives on his phone. NICCO Oh, it is, isn't it? ALICE I'm sorry to say, it's a cool car. It is just straightforwardly a cool car. NICCO Yeah, from the Kaufman scene. ALICE All the credits are in, like, green font that then, like, dissolves, it's so... it's such Matrix envy. NICCO It's so Matrix envy. ALICE Sitting in the driving seat is Jason Statham doing-

Ah, Jason! Jason Statham! Jason Statham himself! It honestly, I gotta be honest with you, it feels a little bit like a betrayal that I'm not talking about this with Milo. Mm, yeah. If I'm honest with you, Statham? Milo is a kind of, Milo is the J.K.

Gladney of Statham studies, right, I think we can be clear about this. We'll have to get him on for Transporter 2 or 3. Statham is doing the funniest possible thing here, which is a dumb person's idea of a smart person, he's sitting staring... You remember when Elon Musk gets sort of filmed and he's obviously on Ketterman staring into nothing and a bunch of his orbiters are like, he must be thinking so deeply right now, the thoughts going on, he's comprehending variables the likes of which we can't even fucking understand.

It's like that, he's sitting in the front seat of the BMW staring at nothing, and you're meant to be like, this guy's seeing all the angles. Focused. This guy's probably just thinking about like numbers and things of that nature right now. He puts on some classical music and his gloves, the car has a pin to start it, it doesn't have a key, it's got a special pin, and then off we go, away we drive. And at this point I know- Adult driver. Uh, scream- Adult driver. Sorry, yeah that was a minute ago. Name is Adam. Adult driver. Screen... Adult driver. Sorry, yeah that was coming. His name is Adam. Baby driver. I loved him in silence. The screenplay sets up, when I see the screenplay

credit it sets off like a red alert in my head because the screenplay is by Luc Besson. Luc Besson. No, no, no. They are calling him Monsieur Legally Cleared of All Charges. Oh no, I don't know who this is, who is he? Luc Besson was the guy who made Leon the Professional, if you've seen that. The one with, it's like, really really young child actor Natalie Portman and John Reno, and what can charitably be described as a father-daughter relationship, but then you go, he made this movie when he was in his thirties and he was dating a fifteen year old, because that was legal in France. And then she got pregnant.

Never watched the deleted scenes of Leon. He dumped her and then he married like a sixteen year old, and yeah. Yeah, he was accused of rape by Dutch Belgian actress San van Roy. Monsieur acquitted of all charges. So legally we can't call Luc Besson a racist. Uh, a rapist. I could call him a racist, I guess. I could call him a racist 100 fucking percent, though.

I'll take that as a consolatory measure. This man is racist. Can we say that legally? I don't know if we can. I'm watching the fucking movie he made. It's like, this is the text you created, and then it's racist. Okay. We could call this art.

Besides being a repulsive human being, he's also an interesting film director, in many such cases. Because the way in which he tends to make movies, or the movies that have him involved, tend to be quite comic book. And like a French comic book, this is like a Maud Dessiné. Like it's um... It's really racist. It's insanely racist, yeah.

The other note that I have is, because we're in Nice, we're driving along the St. Frant in Nice, and I'm like, driving gloves in the south of France, how sweaty are your palms gonna be? Disgusting. Yeah. He's wearing a suit and tie as well. Yeah, it's very Hitman kind of. It's kind of pulling from that a bit.

We also see some nice, and this is presumably either the skill of Mr. Statham himself or the skill of the driving stunt team. The driving, acting through the way that he drives, he's a very smooth driver. Very relaxed, very calm, perfect cornering, smoothies, drives like a chauffeur. It's really like, car acting. Yeah, car acting. Like, shout out to the driving stunt team. Or Jason Statham if he drove himself, Jonas Statham, I don't know. Not that he's started driving yet, because he's currently waiting outside of a bank for three bank robbers. But when they get to him, they've got a fourth boy.

They have. And he is epic style. So he can't let that go ahead. He goes and he just like does his like, I'm Jason Say from The Transporter. The movie is kind of about like the fact that I drive my cars really cool and I understand cars. So I've got a specific amount of fuel in the fucking car, I've got a specific, like, suspension kit, I've got all of this bullshit, four, three people are not moving the car unless you shoot your friend in the head right now. ALICE I got variables. Also, you can tell that these guys are dipshits because they're wearing balaclavas wrong,

and this is one of the most effective ways of conveying that someone's a fucking idiot. It's like, fucking balaclavas on a stupid start. It's like, mostly string, it's like, really good. I love a fucking doofy balaclava. But yeah, so he's like, because I am Sigmund, because I have numbered rules, like, you gotta shoot your boy in the head and dump him out of the car. Which... Yeah. He's got car crimes, autism. Yeah, yeah. Which they do. Personally, I would make him get out of the car before shooting

him, or just not... I mean, whatever. I remember thinking, as a kid, weird to remember a thought you had as a child, but before they move he's like, put your seatbelts on, and I remember thinking that was goated, and... I was right! He was goated for it, he was right. You thought the phrase, that's goated, at the age of 11, and you were like, I wonder what that means, I'll find out. It's goated to wear your seatbelt. That's actually the position of KilljaceBond. I was hit by a psychic beam from the future directly from this podcast, and then I knew I had to find both of you, transition, and become a podcast.

2002, November Kelly got bit flipped by a cosmic ray and thought, that's a go-to. Just sitting bolt upright in front of a CRT TV, just like, my entire life has just changed I assume for the better with the sauce he's just like eyes rolling back into my head he's goated on the sticks if you don't know this part of my backstory, I had a rare childhood form of epilepsy where there was something very wrong with my brain, and this was one of its symptoms. Yeah, genuinely. Is that you were like, Sybil, but for like, Gen Z slang? I will tell this story in full sometime when we're down for horrifying medical trauma.

Maybe when we watch like, a sick kid movie, whenever that might be, but in the meantime, suffice it to say that I would just unprompted say strange plutonian things like he's goated. No cap, bro. Just preempting all of the viral tweets of the 2020s. Just like- Yeah, your parents being like, discussing goats a lot, that's quite satanic, I don't know. You're in the playground in 2005 saying bussin and people are like, what parents being like, discussing goats a lot, that's quite satanic, I don't know. You're in the playground in 2005 saying bussin and people are like, what the fuck are you talking about?

My child keeps talking about dipping mustards, I don't understand what... Yeah, I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet, but your kids are gonna love it. 2002, my kid keeps talking about, what the sigma? Keeps talking about skibbity toilet. If we consider that, November, if you consider that you're just a time traveler. There's a reason why I don't have many photos of me as a kid, and it's because I've got the broccoli hair and all of them. So, so he's, they put on their seatbelts, he starts the car, he drives the car, and

I go, wait a second, this isn't goated at all. This is fucking stupid. the car and I go, wait a second, this isn't go to the soul. Because I'll tell you this, they have a fucking ethos for the editing. I won't tell you right now if it's good or bad. And now I can tell you about it. And it's, it's a style editing. That's not as popular anymore, which is that it prioritized the feel of being in the seat more than showing you the work that was being done. So, like, the continuity's fucked, there's a lot of, like, fast motion close-up stuff, like, sometimes it's going forward, sometimes it's going backwards, the music's choppy and all over the place, like...

QUANTUM OF SOLACE. Yeah. INITIAL DECISION WHERE I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING. It's a beautiful impressionistic work of art, and that's no cap. The other thing about this is that this involves a lot of effects, involves a lot of fast motion, and it involves a lot of, if not the crystal method, then the crystal method adjacent. Um... Yeah. Yeah.

Right? Kind of. Whereas these days the fashion would tend to be on, like, giving you wides and, like, showing you the stunt that is being performed, because it's just a different style, and people like to see, like, oh wow, the actors, they really did that, or... The big circley-weely thing in and no time to die, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You might stick a camera on the side of the car and be like, check out the cool wheel for a little interstitial shot. Free frames of someone changing gear, really good. Yeah. Yeah. But so, I also, so, there's a car chase, if you compare it to something serious like Ronin, it's not good. And Ronin, we had a car chase literally in Marseille or Nice, but it's not meant to be that. It's a fucking comic book, and I have fun with this, not least because it has

one of my favorite genders, asexually reproducing comical police car. Because the cops are on them pretty quickly, and I love the comical, like, French police sirens, the little two-tone ones. I love that they still have them. In Year of Our Lord 2025, it's so funny to make your cops still not be cool. And I just, I think to myself, you will never be a stupid French cop yelling into your radio as your partner drives your, like, comedy police car after a guy in a BMW. It's really sad. Yeah. It's fun, we get some like, fun commie boo moments where at one point he drives off

a bridge onto a truck that's transporting cars, fits perfectly into the gap, leans out the window, shoots the release with a gun in one shot, and then drops a car onto the cops who are following them, all kinds of silly comic book things. ALICE It's Bruce Brothers shit with the cop cars. Like these fucking little Citroens or Peugeots or whatever that just kind of, like, infinite, beautiful creatures. There's a really prelapsarian bit where they drive the BMW really fast down the waterfront

in Nice, and I'm like, oh, you can't do that anymore, because we live in a worse time. Because now they're not primarily concerned about transporting, you know, if somebody does that. Mmhm. Do you mean that they've, like, pedestrianized our street? No, they put bollards up to stop people doing vehicular terrorism. Yeah. if somebody does that. Mmhmm. Do you mean that they've, like, pedestrianized that street? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm So my favorite thing about this is, key part of any escape plan, any car chase even, in a movie, is driving to an easy and cheap filming location. I love that, I love when you can see the joins, I love when you're like, let's drive into

the port, I guess. Which has a lot of flat concrete, not a lot of people around, it's easy to close off. And he escapes the cops. Yeah. He's even like commenting on the shit that he's talked to them about, like they're driving up a staircase, and he's like, you'll notice the shocks, you can barely feel this. I can't even stir him over the crystal method, but like... He's like, please don't vomit on the seats, I conditioned the leather back there. He's Sigma. He loves the car, he wants to fuck the car.

He does. He does want to fuck the leather back there. ALICE He's Sigma. NICOLAS He loves the car, he wants to fuck the car. ALICE He does. He does want to fuck the car, yeah. NICOLAS So they reach the destination, when he gets paid, they pay him too much, and he tries to give them back their change. ALICE Yeah, cause he gets rules. NICOLAS And they say, yeah, he needs you to take us further, we'll pay you extra to take us all the way, and he says, rule one, never change the deal.

And so he gives them the money back and they leave. He presses a button on the car, it rotates the license plate, straight away. ALICE I used to think this was the coolest thing in the world, I was right. I also, I just wanna laser in on this, did we see the guy who picks them up at all? Because this is a vintage 2002 United Colors of Benetton type fuckboy. RILEY I didn't spot him, no. ALICE He's driving like a boy racer Citroen, and he's wearing a multicolored, like, extremely

shiny tracksuit, and I love that man with all my heart. It was a great time to be alive, I think. And then we get, the transporter returns home, and he's like watching the news, and it's like, these three bank robbers were all arrested because they drove like dumb cunts. If I- ALICE & TANNER Wrong way down a one way street. LIAM On the news it's genuinely like, they, the inspectors believed that they would've gotten away with it if not for their dumb ass driving.

And you see Frank the transporter, because his name is Frank and they call him Frank throughout it. Goes like, damn shame. Yeah, sucks to suck. Someone named their beautiful baby Jason Statham Francis Transporter, and I think that's a horrible thing to do. Also, he lives in a lighthouse, like a converted, not like a, I guess it is. The Transporter back here.

How do you deconsecrate a lighthouse? He lives in a lighthouse. You just take the bulb out. Take the bulb out. Yeah. There you go. There you go. Easy. That's quorum.

He lives in a... Just outvoted instantly. He lives in a deconsecrated lighthouse, on the coast. He has a guy delivering him milk. He washes his car, he like, you know, fixes it up. He loves the car. Really really nice. This is pretty, it's like a nice location.

Yeah, south of France, beautiful. Yeah. At this point Inspector Zenegata rules up. This is the thing, you want it to be a Zenegata, but it's a different Inspector criminal relationship that we haven't codified yet. Yes, exactly. And we'll work on what that is. But so, yeah, his like...

Inspector Tarkony. We'll work on what that is. But so, yeah, um, his- His spectre Tarconi. Cop friend, who looks like a French Alan Rickman. Yeah. I like this actor. A la Ritmo. I like this actor. I think we've seen him before somewhere. He shows up and he's like, I wanted to be friends with you.

I like you, fuck girls. Yeah, cause he kinda knows he's transphorsed. Like, Loki knows he's transphorsed. But he's like, I'm just fascinated by, you know, military types, you know, to establish some backstory, and Frank says, well I'm ex-military. And this is where Talconi scientifically, but incidentally, discovers the worst way you can describe yourself as being transgender because he says, and this is my soul drop for the movie.

I am an ex little boy. Pretty good. Don't say that. I've just run a lecture times ever since I was a little boy. Yeah, I remember when I was an ex little boy thinking that this was goated. He's wearing a kind of hat that didn't exist yet. He says the way the man treats his car is how he treats himself and might not say, that's very true, for example, I don't have a car.

Yes. No, me neither. Yeah, neither do I. If you want to know why we've never gone on tour, none of us could drive. It's a big problem. I apparently am a pretty good driver because I've taken lessons, I just haven't taken my test. And yeah, obviously, because I kept saying things like, this is Sigma, they don't let

you take a test. I failed my driving test four times! Well. I don't see why, because your only state of opinion thus far has been that putting on your seatbelt is goated, and I think that they should give you that. Which is a question, in the theory test. Is it goated to put your seatbelt is goated, and I think that they should give you that. Which is a question, in the theory test. Is it goated to put your seatbelt on, yes or no? Is putting your seatbelt on low key goated when safety is the vibe, yes or no?

It's like four answers, so it would be like, putting on your seatbelt is, and then it would be like, goated. Goated, hoarse, cheaped. Yeah, it'd be like, goated, and then three other things, like, goated, washed, hoarse, and cheaped. Yeah. Goated, washed. It's hoarse to put your seatbelt other things. I'm like, well, ghosted washed. Yeah. What are you trying to stay alive in a car accident for? So you can see more men so you can have sex with them because you're gay. So the inspector says, um, he's out talking to all the owners of the black BMWs. He says it's a popular car for the Mafia, they cross here, they come here from Italy,

they bring pretty girls with big jewelry and too much makeup, and I'm like, oh, interesting detail. Yeah. Yeah. But so he's like, it's kind of like, well I know you were transporting but I can't prove it, and he's like, it's all very, and, you know, that's mysterious. Yeah. They talk again about women, and I remind you, we haven't had any women in the film

so far, because the inspector also says, uh, the women in Nice are, in town, are more complicated than the local variety, and Frank's like, ah, I like to keep things simple when it comes to women, I just fuck cars instead. Smart. Yeah. Okay. Great. Yeah. Smart. Okay. Great. Whatever.

But so, the inspector leaves, and Frank gets a phone call, being like, is this Frank Transporter, I need you to Frank Transport some things for me. The Frank Transporter. He's like, ehhh, it could be quite difficult. He is quite frank, to be fair. He is, he's very frank, yeah. Well named. Let me be Frank.

So he goes to this bar, where a guy, well three guys really, try to hire him, to be like, we need you to transport a bag, like a case, like in Ronin, kind of, from here to, I don't know, fucking Paris or whatever, I don't care. Because again, he's a rules guy, he's like, you have to be very specific about how much it weighs and what the dimensions are, he does the kind of Ronin thing again, because again, he's a rules guy. He's like, you have to be very specific about how much it weighs and what the dimensions are. He does the kind of Roman thing again of like, is it heavy? Is it explosive?

Mm hmm. He just says, you'll be delivering to Mr. And he goes, rule two, no names. And they're like, okay. So we got two, we got two rules here. Rule number one, never change the deal. Rule two, no names. Yeah. At this point, I think we should talk about the accent. Now, accent work is difficult.

It's difficult to do. Jason Statham is attempting an American accent here. And it comes and goes and then about a third of the way through the film just kind of like completely fucking gives up. But it sounds a lot like Jason Statham to me. It does. It does. It's not a good American accent. It's like, I can tell you're trying to do it, but it's just not... it's just... it's hilariously bad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, he's a real...

I love this performance, but the accent is not the strongest part of it. There's a bit that I almost pulled where he's talking about the suspension in the car, in the first car chase, where he says, uh, see what I mean about the shocks, but he tries to hit shocks only in that sentence, in an American accent, so it's SHOCKS. ZOE See what I mean about the SHOCKS! It's like, it's really... there's a fantastic bit later on where he tries to say to somebody, who are you? Which in American accent would be like, who are you? And he goes, who are you? It's really good. Really funny.

ALICE Really funny to be like the French, or like the British expat in the South of France who instead of learning any French in the accent just got American instead. SONIA Yeah, I really wanna see the Transporter 2 to establish whether he's still trying this accent later on. ALICE By the way, one of these three guys hiring him is your Mongo, he is your big guy. The shaved head guy with a goatee, and on the way out this guy is shaking his head like, I dunno, we're probably gonna have

to kill this guy. ALICE Probably gonna kill him. ALICE So he picks up the case, it's a big hold all type deal, and he starts driving. And France is very beautiful, right, and lots of French road shots, but he gets a flat tire, as indicated by the noise of a flat tire, and then Jason Statham going, flat tire, two accents at the same time, like the master from Fallout 2. AARON Flat tire.

AARON Flat tire. ALICE So obviously, to change the tie you have to get the spare tire out of the boot, which is where the hold all is. Opens the boot, and it's me on a first date. The package is moving. Very clearly a young woman in... We don't know it's a young woman. It's the GCHQ exit interview, and the war knows that the bag is moving because there's

a person in there. We know that there's clearly a person in there, and he just pushes it, he looks at it for a second and just pushes it out of his view. Which I kind of like, although he is kind of troubled by this, and I'm like, I feel like if you're the transporter, right, if you're Frank transporter, and the thing that you do is like trafficking, I feel like people trafficking is a decent amount of the trafficking that there is. Yeah. Right? I wouldn't know.

Why care? Yeah. So he has a little rest stop, and I do want to go beat by beat here, because this is partly why I like this character, is that he has a little rest stop and he buys like an Orangina and a straw. How much did Orangina chip in for this? I mean, I do love Orangina. He opens the package when he gets back into the hills, and of course it's a beautiful

woman. Mm-hmm. Shu Qi, who was great in The Assassin. Yeah, she's great in this too. And he does, with his facial acting, he does sell that he feels bad about doing this. Which is quite nice. And he- She has a mouth like duct taped in some of the worst duct tape work you've ever seen in your

life. One piece. Yeah, no good. And so he pulls out a knife to cut a hole in her duct tape, she's obviously very scared, but he holds her still, and then he puts the straw in the drink and gives it to her. And there's something I like about this and something I don't like about this. The thing I like about this is I do like that your hero has chosen to do a nice thing. It's nice that your hero of your film is like choosing to do a moral thing, which is like show some compassion to someone

in a difficult situation. That I like, that's nice. The thing I don't like is that this is played weirdly sexually. It's hitting the romance music. It really is, yeah. It is. It hits like romance guitar and I'm like, um... Stalker shit. Men love to feed a tied up woman Orangina, and when she finishes the Orangina, he calls her a good girl, and I'm like, this is uncomfortable, on a couple of levels.

Especially like, her head is at crotch height, it's like weird. Yeah, it's something about, you know, the men's fantasy of a submissive woman, but also, like, you know, if I'm getting, like, kidnapped and driven around in the boot of your car, I don't want you getting a parasocial relationship with me. Like, obviously you're gonna, like, fucking, like, torture me or whatever, sure. But if you're getting, if you're, like, up front getting a crush on me, that's awkward, right? You're making it weird. You're making this kidnapping weird. I kind of do insofar as it might persuade you to drop your guard, then I could kill you. Well, I mean, we want different things out of the being in the boot of the car, clearly.

I suppose, yeah, yeah, that's true too. And then he calls a good girl and then shoves her back inside the bag, and I'm like, um... Yeah. Do one or the other, you know? So a bit later on, she is banging on the boot, not because she's being kidnapped, but because she needs to go to the bathroom. This is a woman who needs to piss, this is a weirdly large plot point. Yeah, she's doing what I would describe as her primary way of interfacing with the plot,

which is screaming. You'll get used to this. Doing scared woman noises. Just annoying. Most of her lines. Just infuriating. SONIA He also explicitly says, he says, I'll take the tape off, and he says, uh, if you scream I'll kill you.

He does explicitly threaten her life. RILEY Yes. ALICE I feel like this is also really on the three guys for not planning any of this, because like, okay, sure, he has a rule to never go in the package or whatever, but like, at some point he's probably gonna open the boot and notice, and she's just gonna piss herself, you're getting charged extra for the boot lining, y'know? Guys, some forethought, please. Also, they say when they're describing the package, it's about 50kg and then 1.5m x 1.5m,

I'm like, that's clearly a body. Yeah, that's a human being. Come on, obviously. Yeah. Mmhmm. Whatever. But so, he's like, uh, he just takes the rope that he also just has in the booth of his car, and it's like, okay, I will construct a leash with this at my crafting table.

And then just let her on a long lead, like a dog, out on the verge of a... Because it's literally like a lay-by, and it's like, bro, what if someone drives past right now? Well, indeed. So, but he like, sends her off into the bushes by the side of the road. And it's like, you are willing to... Gives her 60 seconds to piss. To kidnap... it's a way weirder Nicolas Cage movie. But like...

The piss kink gone in 60 seconds. You're willing to commit kidnapping, threaten murder, but drawing the line at it being too weird to watch a woman piss, right, and for this he is punished because she escapes. Yeah, and again, it's not like he seems to have a real problem with the human trafficking thing. Mm-hmm. It's weird. He's just sort of got some procedural quibbles about it. Yeah. He's a bit discomforted and a bit like, well this is weird.

So obviously she escapes, and he has to go into the woods to recapture her, which he does, and then upon return there are cops at the car. Yeah. Yeah, two gendarmes on motorcycles. This is our first martial arts fight, and it's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's kicking. His opening move is throw woman at cop, which is funny.

Yeah. That's smart. He, one thing I will say about this movie, it's all in the legs. It hits the legs pretty hard, there's a lot of kicking in this movie. If you ever see the like poster for this movie, it's so funny because the thumbnail on a lot of streaming services is Jason Statham's head and shoulders, right, at an angle because what that does is that cuts off the funnier two-thirds of the poster which is Statham legs. Yeah, I know, I'm looking at it now. Extended in like a weird spiral kick thing.

Yeah, it's very leg heavy, there's a lot of kicking, and I'm like, alright, cool, it's a style, I like it. Yeah. He kicks these two cops unconscious, and then I guess also kidnaps them, because he just stuffs them in the boot, which is a huge positive review for the boot space in a BMW 7 soon. Yeah, you've got three bodies in there. No problem. Awesome, what's all this shit about extra weight and fuel and like,. Yeah, you've got three bodies in there. Awesome, what's all this shit about extra weight and fuel and like, nevermind, you can

just afford to take two cups. At this point we get misogynistic editing, which is, you've gotta try to do this. As he's holding her, and having kicked these cups unconscious, we pan up to the beautiful French landscape, and crossfade into a woman in an inflatable doner in a pool, she's wearing a bikini. And the implication is that both the landscape and this woman's body are for visual enjoyment. This woman is not a character, she's just literally the scenery. And I'm like, fuck you, actually! ALICE France is like a beautiful woman, and specifically

a beautiful woman who exists to be sadistically tormented by men. Right? Luc Besson, prison. Because there is a guy grabbing her hair and moving her around while she's in the pool. Yeah. This is our villain, the no names is rule two, but his actual credit is name is Wall Street, Mr. Street. Yeah, Wall Street.

No one says that. No one says Wall Street. And he's like a mild joker he's like a slightly joker it's like the mild joker yeah yeah the chuclar i think it's really funny he's got a stupid stupid haircut and uh i will say that like one way to make you make me dislike your villain instantly is to give him a stupid fucking haircut which i like true but it was, all of his boys also have those.

The thing that I really like about Wall Street is my headcanon here, that he has given himself that nickname because he thinks it sounds cool and no one else agrees to call him that. So he's credited as it, but nothing else. So it's that guy from the Fast and the Furious movies. We'll get to him, I don't remember his name. He like, uh, meets... GEOFF Matt Schultz? Yeah, yeah, it's that guy from the Fast and the Furious movies. We'll get to him, I don't remember his name. He like, uh, meets... Matt Shultz? Matt's...

Yeah, yeah, he's in. Let's go with that. He meets Statham. There's a long shot which shows just how short Jason Statham is, which is really funny, and it shows you why they don't do many of those. He's a little guy, yeah. Jason Statham is like, three foot nothing. It's really funny when you see him in a long shot. I'm exaggerating slightly for comic effect

He's a short man. He's a short short man. 1.78 meters. What's that in fucking real money? So that is taller than I am but not by much. He's 5'10 shorter than me. He's shorter than me. He's 5'10. That's like... Bullshit he is 5'10. There's a shot and there's where he looks like 5'4. Absolutely no chance. He's a little and there's where he looks like five

foot four. GARETH Absolutely no chance. ALICE He's a little guy. GARETH He's five foot eight, easily. ALICE It's fine. He's a fine actor, he's a good action guy, but he's short. Short motherfucker, nobody likes you. GARETH You're allowed to be short? GARETH Yeah, you're allowed to be short, it's just

like a mark against you. ALICE Yeah, so this is a warning. So the boys take the kind of now wriggling GCHQ holdall out the back of the BMW, and obviously she's still making scared woman noises, so we know that everybody knows that it's a live human being in there. And Mr. Wall Street is like, did you look in the package? I bet you looked in the package. He looks in the package, right? And we get rule three.

Never open the package. A rule we're introduced to only after it's already been broken. It's kinda cool. Don't even establish it, whatever. Yeah, I guess so. He just opens the package, he's broken his own rules, and they're like, fine. Fine, whatever. I like this guy. Why don't you transport something that's about a kilogram and it's ticking.

I'll pop this in your boot for you, big man. Don't worry. ALICE They were also clearly gonna do this, cause why have the bomb ready to go otherwise. But like, also by the way, when Mr. Wallstreet pays Statham, he like, touches his driving glove in a way that kind of lingers on it, because he's gay. Well the thing about this is, I read this, the director originally intended the transporter to be gay. Really?

No shit! However this angle was dropped during filming, it says, and the sex scene was added. Bullshit! That fucking sucks. I'm choosing to continue to read this man is gay. I don't give a fuck. They het They hetero-washed my boy Jason Statham? SON That's interesting as well, because I think he plays it in quite a sensitive way, and we'll get to this.

ALICE Yeah, we will. ALICE And like, it genuinely would have been a bit of a more of a cultural moment to just be like, Jason Statham is gay action hero, no fuss. And there's a lot about this movie makes me nostalgic for 2002, which is a weird thing to say. But so, my next note is, I hope he let the gendarme out before he got that second Orangina, because... No. No. No, he doesn't.

How convenient that his car explodes, actually, because what was he planning to do with those two unconscious cops? He was probably gonna have to kill them. They've been unconscious for a long time. Luc Fosson, I worry, might be one of these people who is ACAB for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you can just, sometimes you can kinda tell that when somebody is like, no I hate the cops, it's because they mean that in the sense of I do not want them to investigate my many crimes. So he stops for another Orangina, and as he's picking up an Orangina from the thing his car explodes because they have put a bomb in it.

And he kills two cops by doing this, like two cops explode. He's off the hook for killing them. That's true. He didn't kill them. Sort of, yeah. He beat them up. He did put them in the boot. Is this a felony murder type situation where it's like, because it's in the commission

of another crime, legally he kinda did kill those cops. I wonder. I would say so. I think they don't die if they haven't been knocked out and put in your boot, brother. If you are a French lawyer, contact us with your interpretation of the criminal law in France on this one. Yeah, please do. Also, what's happening with Roman Polanski?

Anyway, he decides to get revenge, so he goes back to the villa. Not quite clear how he got there. Must've walked. Well yeah, that is in fact... Did he hitchhike? Whatever. He returns to the villa and goes, I'm about to go Transporter mode on these guys, because they've been aided on the deal.

I love when the Transporter said it's transportin' time and transported all of those guys. It so is. And I remember thinking in 2002 that this was like, go to the hell. This is like, go to the hell. This is my second favorite scene in the movie. Yeah, you guys crazy stuff. It's good. The doorbell goes off and oh, let me just look through the sort of like viewing hole here.

Oh, it's Mr. Shoot You In The Leg. Yeah. He just like tricks shots and shit. It's Mr. Leg. He just like, tricks shots and shit. Nice leg, big boy. It's Mr. Leg. No, but it looks great. It's very leg focused. He kicks, the Matrix is when you kick people, and the more you kick people, the more Matrix it is.

He kicks so many people, right? Um, meanwhile, Shuichi is downstairs tied to an office chair, and I'm like, I may be wondering if I saw this at too impressionable of an age, and that had some kind of like, you know, left a kind of impression on me and now that's why I can only get off if someone was trying to kill me with an axe, because they are trying to kill Jason Statham with axes upstairs. It's also a magic axe that you do a vertical swing with and then in the reverse shot it's horizontal.

Continuity is fake and gay. It's tough to do. The like, little kind of slit that he cut and had duct taped to feed her the orange ena comes and goes as well and it's really noticeable. ZACH Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who gives a fuck?

Like, whatever. It's fine. It's moving. ALICE I know, I'm getting quite into the way action sequences are developed and then practiced and then edited together for some reason. I'm getting quite into that. ZACH No, it's like, cool. It's objectively an interesting thing to do.

But like, if you're the kind of person who gives a shit that the slit in the mouth has disappeared and reappeared multiple times throughout the scene, you fundamentally consume movies in a different way to me. You're not here for this. You're not ensouled, and I think that you shouldn't listen to the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremy Irons is wasting his time playing the elbow for you. Oh, you can see the boom arm in this scene, shut up, shut the fuck up. As much as I joke about, you know, getting off with someone trying to kill me with an

axe, that is the sexuality of these films, right? As I remember it, it is Statham versus many, many other men. And the thing I really would have liked about making him gay, and the thing about making him at least subtextually pretty gay, is this is the subtext of most other action films. Like, when Iko Ues is doing like 50 point combos on a guy's like knee or whatever, and then stabbing him through the face with a door handle or something, it's because he wants to kiss and have sex with that man. You construct elaborate rituals to...

To punch other men. Correct, yes. And the film is better the more it acknowledges this. There's something I really like, which is that at one point he gets ahold of a gun and there's an unarmed man that he's beaten up, and he declines to shoot this guy. We see him weigh it up, and then instead he empties the gun into the air and lets him go, and like, I like to see that. ALICE I'm so mad. I'm gonna shoot everything except you.

NICOLAS Well I'm also gonna get rid of the rounds so you can't use them against me. ALICE Yeah, exactly. NICOLAS I like to see a hero who explicitly chooses not to kill an armed man. It's nice. NICOLAS Yeah, it is actually kinda red. It's nice.

NICOLAS Yeah, when was the last time we fucking saw that, y'know? ALICE No, it was a weirdly best of time, in the discourse maybe. NICOLAS I think Frank the Transporter, good lad. Nice lad. Yeah, it's not even the only time he does this. Frank Transporter gets the Seleuroproval.

Yeah, he's a solid guy. He's woke, he's gay, he drives his car, which is, quite frankly, that's actually sort of a contradiction in terms. He's got car autism? He's the one gay who can drive. And honestly, we picked a really good one to let go of the driver's license. Honestly, my headcanon was just that he's just a trans guy. It's just quite nice. I mean, this would also fucking rule. It would've been a good reveal.

Like, yeah. Maybe he is, we don't know. Well, it's not called the Cisporter, is it? Yeah. I made it 41 minutes before doing that joke, I'm so proud of myself. So having shot everybody in the leg, he steals a Mercedes out of the garage, and let me tell you, this woman loves car boots nearly as much as I love car boots, and I love car boots nearly as much as an old woman intent on getting a bargain on a weekend.

She loves car boots so much that she's managed to get, whilst tied, hands tied behind her to an office chair, has managed to get into the boot of a locked car and close it again. Cause she's hiding in the car. Incredible. How have you done that? That's amazing. Don't worry. Just get EDS, you know, hypermobility lets you do all kinds of things.

BDS, you know, hypermobility lets you do all kinds of things. BDS? What? She's... Yeah. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. She was doing boycott divestment sanctions on the... I didn't know that doing BDS made you more flexible. Well, I mean, you know, it's like yoga.

Anyway, she pops up in the back of the car and she's like, hey, by the way... You took five minutes of BDS a day just to... Wow. she pops up in the back of the car and she's like hey, by the way... Five minutes of beauty yesterday, just sick. Well, I mean, so she's like, I have clearly been dexterous enough to maneuver myself into this car, I haven't taken the duct tape off my own mouth. She's also still attached to the chair! She likes that. Because you do. The chair, right?

Freak shit! This is the thing. She like gets out of the... yeah, sorry, you go ahead. If we just take the sex scene out, this is like two letter grades better of a movie because it is gay man being tormented by the world's neediest submissive woman. Yeah, I'm choosing to ignore the sexy, let's not even mention it later, let's just keep going with the gay man stuff. I want to mention it because I actually like the way he plays it, but anyway, so he drags

her onto the street, he leaves her there, still tied to the desk chair, drives away, he feels guilty and comes back. And again, I like to see a hero make a moral decision where he's like, you know, it would be wrong of me to leave this woman tied up in the middle of the road. I'm going to, I'm going to go back and help her out. But the methodology through which he makes that moral decision is to reverse a full speed towards this woman who is tied to a chair in the middle of the road. And he, like, breaks, just in time, but that's not clear that he's gonna do that.

And then he picks her up and puts her back in the boot, still tied up. And I'm like, ehhh. This is such a kink movie! And he's like, I'll take you to my home in Nice, and just... Jesus Christ, we could just as easily have done fucking secretary! RIP. RIP Val Kilmer.

Yeah, that's a piece of job, yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. But he takes her back to the transporter cave, she's still tied to the chair, the soundtrack is suggesting that they're about to have sex, cause the soundtrack's going like, bouchika wout, and I'm like, that's not the vibe. Yeah, it isn't the vibe at all. This is where he goes, who are you?! What's going on?! I'm just gonna note this for the kind of tracker here. He unties her, she

doesn't take the duct tape off. He makes her a fucking pot noodle, she doesn't take the duct tape off. I'm like, lady, at some point you leave it on too long, the adhesive can give you a really bad rash, it's like, I had it all down my arms once, it's like... Well, it's weird, because he takes the tape off and he goes, who are you? And she says, my name is Lye, and she keeps talking, and he puts the tape back on, and he says, simple answers, otherwise I'd put the tape back on. And then, yeah, he makes her noodles and goes to bed, and she says, can I leave? And he goes, be my guest.

Which I'm like, alright, okay. Yeah. It's like, I'm done with this. I'm done with my intervention as a movie. My belief is that now I'm going to alright, okay. Yeah. It's like, I'm done with this. I'm done with my intervention as a movie. My belief is that now I'm just going to continue living as normal. Yeah, I'm gonna keep Frank Transforced. I'm refusing the call! This guy betrayed me, so I went to his house, killed, well I didn't even kill anyone, kicked

a bunch of his guys in the face really hard, stole his car, left, and stole a woman he I guess kidnapped. Mmhmm. By accident, yeah. Yeah, and left. Actually that's a good point, he did leave the situation without attempting to rescue her, even though he presumably knew she was still there. Yeah, he very much did not. He was there for revenge, yeah.

He went in and just beat them up and then left. He was there to kick men in the face, his real super objective. Yeah, and steal a car, I guess. Make as many men taste the laces of your shoes as possible. But so... One of them is in the hospital, actually. That's true. Because Wall Streeting goes to visit his dude in the hospital, and he says, who did this?

And he goes, it was Frank Transporter from the movie The Transporter. He says, did you tell the cops? And he goes, no. And he goes, alright, okay, I'll kill you then. Yeah. He kills him. Just do that anyway. Alright, well I'm gonna kill you because of obviously.

And the guy's like, yeah, that makes sense. You can see, and this is not the only time I'm gonna say this sentence, you can see a better version of the scene in the movie Nobody, which is the one that almost killed Bob Odenkirk. But so, yeah, he knows the transporter is alive. Meanwhile, the next morning, like, Frank Transporter comes down for breakfast, she has been in through his backstory box in the night. She's seen his backstory box, I love it when a woman discovers my backstory box. LORENZO She's completely switched genre of movie at

this point. She's like, I made you breakfast, I don't know if you like coffee or tea, so I made them both. ALICE Jesus Christ, this is such a kink movie, I swear to fucking god. RILEY Who's this girl who looks kind of like you in your old pictures? ALICE Yeah.

What's going on with this, it doesn't make any sense to me. ALICE The backstory is just that he was in the military, that's it. He was real good at being a troop, and now he isn't doing that because he's retired. RILEY It's literally it, yeah. ALICE Yeah, that's it. RILEY Also, I'm not sure who did her makeup. I hope my makeup looks that good when I get back from being kidnapped, but maybe she found some makeup lying around and was like, where does this old makeup come from? Why do you

have this? ALICE And so she's entered woman mode, which is the form of picking flowers and baking cookies and so forth. You know. Because she's grateful to him for having saved her life. SONIA And she talks too much. ALICE Yeah, and he's very gruff, and he's like, I like it quiet in the morning. And it's like, when did this turn into a romcom?

What? She makes a Madeline's. Yeah, there's something weird I noticed at this point, which had been bugging me for a while, and then this is the scene where it kind of consciously bubbled to the surface of my mind, which is that the way that Jason Statham moves in this, when he's like moving around and sitting down and just like, not kicking people, but just moving normally, his physical body language is exactly like my eldest brother. And the way that he looks under his brows and is kind of gruff and monosyllabic and

the way he has a little bit of a pop in his shoulders when he walks, I'm just like, that's my brother. He just reminds me so strongly of my eldest brother, the way he moves through the world in this movie. And I'm just like, huh, that's really weird. That made me like him more, I guess. Nice. So French Alan Rickman shows up.

Inspector, we don't have a name for this yet. Yeah. Right? Inspector Tarkony is his name, so I guess he's the archetype here, right? Maybe. Tarkonification? I dunno. I'm not sure how you're distinguishing this from his Zenigata, but...

Yeah, Tarkony. If he comes back in the next couple of movies, we'll talk about him a lot, I'm sure. He will. He will do, yeah. Well, fantastic. Nice. So he shows up and he's like, hmm, that's odd, why do you have a beautiful woman in your house, and why are there madeleines? Can I have a madeleine? Yeah, I can have a madeleine, I love madeleines. Which is the correct priority for any detective. Treats first, questions later. Yeah. Like Proust, he says. They get a Proust joke in, where he's like,

Proust would've been a great cop. Which is really funny. But so he's like, ooh, I dunno, about this whole situation, who is this, how'd you get here, and she's like, I'm the cook, and my car is in the garage. Because again, to be clear, Tarkony is investigating that Frank Transporter's car was found exploded with two cops inside. And they send one relaxed man. They do things differently in the south of France.

And his approach is like, yo, is that a tea time biscuit? Nice. Let's have a go at that. God. And so Frank says, my car was stolen yesterday, whilst I was in town, and I was walking home, and this beautiful woman offered me a lift. And she cuts in and goes, I offered him the lift, to like, save his ass, because he hasn't know what to say.

And he's like, in what car? It's like, the one in the garage right now, which is all bashed in at the front, but he doesn't notice that. He doesn't get to the front because they're instead like, we're about to have like fucking freaky sex, so do you want to get out of the situation? And he's like, yeah, yeah. He says, I like the way this happens, because the detective is obviously a bit suspicious and he goes, oh, it's obviously very lucky that you came along.

And then Lai puts her arm around Jason's safe and because it's like, yeah, it was lucky for both of us. As if to imply, like, we met by the side of the road and had a one night stand. And just don't want to say that out loud. And the detective doesn't want to be a third wheel, so he's like, ah, sorry, I will go. He's like, I better get out of here. You know what? And on the way out he kinda mentions the two dead cops.

He's like, by the way, I just want to be clear that I am here, and we're actually getting two fucking murders. Yeah. Bye! He also has Del, we're in Lindell mode, because we need to establish that this is the good cop, and we know he's good because he's into cars. Yes! Right, yes!

It's a thing for the car heist genre, it's like, ah, the cop also likes cars, that's how we know he's good. So he's like, oh yes, the Mercedes, bada bada bada, the Germans make good cars, I guess, whatever. Yeah, so he leaves, and Wall Street's guy- No, on his way out, on his way out, he says, he's like, Frank, can I have a word with you as I walk to my car? And he's like, yeah sure.

As I walk into the car he goes, well Frank, I don't know what you've got yourself into, but all of that thing you just told me is clearly bullshit, so why don't you come to my office later on this afternoon and fucking explain yourself and try and come up with a better excuse? Yeah, yeah. ALICE Yeah, come back again in next scene and give that another go. Which I really, I quite like in terms of, like, the I know you've been transporting, Frank Transporter.

LIAM You've been transporting, yeah, no, I'm clean. ALICE And before West reading and his boys roll up to blow the shit out of this place, there's a moment where Lai's like, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? And I really like, this is the moment, this is the scene that made me like Frank Transporters' character and Jason Statham's portrayal. Because she's yammering away and he grabs her by the shoulders and he says, quiet! He calls her a catastrophe.

And then he has this line where he says, I'm still wondering whether I want to know everything or nothing about you. And Jason Statham sells it. Like, he sells this as like, quite a charming line. When he's being nice to Lai, he's very believable. And when the script tells him like, okay, grab this woman by the shoulders and shout in her face, I don't believe that he means it. He's much more sincere in his performance when he's being nice to her, and that's kind of what made me like him as a character. ALICE Jason Statham romantic comedy lead?

SONIA Yeah, because like, his acting choices often go against the grain of the script, which is quite sort of macho and brutish. Like, on the page this is like a fucking Connery Bond, but he's choosing to play it as like, I'm kind of doing this out of habit, but actually deep down he's quite sweet. There's a moment later on where they're like under fire and trying to escape, and he keeps asking, like, are you okay? Are you okay? And it's nice that he kind of checks in with it. Yeah, like it is kind of cute even. Yeah, I like the way he plays it. It's good pros.

Yeah, absolutely. Should've made him gay, or trans. Should've made him gay or trans. Both. Yeah, West Reading and the Boys roll up with missile launches and just fucking lay siege to his ex-lighthouse. They de-consecrate the lighthouse once and for all. Yeah. Yeah, they besiege this dude's lighthouse and fire... The thing is, they fire three distinct rockets, or like, missiles, at his lighthouse, and we know they're

missiles because one of them comes in through a window and like destroys the oven full of madeleines, which I guess makes it a heat seeking missile, and I guess makes the madeleines a kind of decoy? Like I've made some chaff madeleines? SONIA Well maybe they're madeleines seeking missiles. DARREN Yeah. Just deploying madeleines out of the side of my fuckin' plane. That's how all French Eurofighters work, yeah. I'm a fuckin' madeleine-seeking missile, let me tell you. I'm Australian!

Oh my god. Oh, Jesus Christ. Um, so, yeah, they... she does a bunch more scared woman noises. Mm, yeah. Yep. They finally shoot the third rocket at the house that blows up the lighthouse. Yeah, the biggest rocket they've got. When do you start with that one?

Yeah. I don't know. Luckily. And also, what are you doing? They've successfully reduced the house's hit points enough to do a special move. Yeah, like Age of Empires too, they're all shooting at it. They shoot it like brick. So he luckily has a well, and in that well he has an oxygen tank, and attached to that oxygen tank he has two regulators, which is handy. That's useful of him.

No, that's one regulator which has an octopus, that's standard. Oh, really? Fascinating. Well, I'm not Scuba Pill. Don't know shit about Scuba. Scuba Gear, you'll have the one regulator for your mouth, but you'll always have a backup regulator for your body. That's completely standard. Oh, that's so cool. Well, in that case,

Cinemascins Ding rescinded. Yeah. Play the Cinemascins Ding backwards. It's in case your buddy runs out of there. Like sheathing your Cinemascins Ding. What is unusual is that he has two masks and two sets of fins. One of those sets of fins is in her size. So I'm like, why do you have this? RILEY That is a little bit less. Alright, I'm bringing it back out again. SIDDHART Bring the ding back!

But the regulator? That's a completely standard setup. RILEY Alright, well, there you go. And they swim out through the world. SIDDHART This is the moment where he keeps being like, are you okay? Are you okay? And like, it's just, it's nice.

It's nice. Check it out. ALICE This is a very, sort of like, calculated Abbey program in that he keeps checking in on her, he's very nice to her, and then takes her scuba diving. I know, I like it. Also he does all the driving, which is nice. So they escape to secondary location.

Do I want to date a man? Maybe I do. Jesus. So, I mean, I can sort of recommend it, is the thing. Yeah. So do I. If you're sort of recommend it, is the thing. Yeah. So do I. If you're a man, get in touch. What is happening?

Yeah, sure, but fucking why not, I guess. That's my stance. I'm the one who's attracted to men on this podcast. It's like an extraordinary jubilee, right? You have a certain demarcated period of time in which to shoot your shot. Yeah. I think I just feel like I kinda want a boyfriend for a bit. Not for a long time, but for a little bit.

Anyway. I'm taking. They scuba to a boathouse, and they break in. What colour is the boathouse next to Frank's lighthouse? They have to take their wet clothes off, and Frank is talking to himself like, ah, there's nothing but trouble if you open the package. And then she has this slightly boned lime. She's like, oh, I'll make up for the trouble. And then she's like, strips down to her underwear and kisses him.

Yeah, this is that added sex scene. What I do like- Yeah, it's bullshit. Bullshit, not real. What I do like though is that initially he resists. He's like, he pushes her off and goes, what are you doing? Like, this isn't our house. We can't do this. And she's like, oh, come on, like I'll make up for the trouble. Like, let's fuck. And they like kisses him some more. And he's like, he pushes her off and goes, what are you doing? Like, this isn't our house. We can't do this. And she's like, oh, come on, like, I'll make up the trouble. Like, let's fuck.

And they like kiss him some more. And he's like, yeah, okay, go on. But I do like that she initiates and he initially says, no, like, what are you doing? We just met. It's pretty good. It's sweet. And then also from then on, that chemistry is a little bit kind of more, more intimate. They do have good chemistry, these two.

I like it. They do, yeah. She's wearing a bunch of different summer dresses for most of the rest of the movie and I'm just like, this is a romantic comedy! That's like his old clothes. Yeah. Like it's... So they go to Inspector Tarkony's office and they're like, yeah, I dunno, somebody just

like blew up my house or something. Maybe it was a mistaken identity. We went to go and have sex on the beach and when we got back the house was on fire. And something I quite like is we have a kind of like, shared complicity that's just completely unspoken where he's like, I'm gonna go step outside for a minute, which leads her to hack his computer, because all women can do this. Yes, that's true.

He doesn't even have a password to be fair, she just presses enter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be fair, we also later get the hint that he'd done that on purpose. I'll give it a... Find... yeah, the password is transporter. I'll unding that. We need an unding sound effect immediately. Alright, I can whip that up.

So, they find the criminal file of Mr. Wall Street, and they leave that up because they get interrupted, so he also gets that information. So it's like mutually beneficial. Also, like, I like that she's helping, when she starts hacking the computer, Frank's like, what are you doing, you can't do that. And she says, you're always complaining, except when we make love, then you say nothing, and I'm like, it's a bit depressing. Interesting.

Gay? Yeah, misassociating, yeah. Mis-dissociating? Seeing the TV globe? Do you wanna be there? I wouldn't wanna have sex with somebody who says nothing, like... Yeah. Yeah.

At least one yes throughout the process. Just like, check and just wanna know you're alive, like, you know? Tocconi is like, um, I don't believe you. Yes. Right. But I can't hold you and also I secretly don't want to, because me and Frank Transporos are besties. Yeah, I think that you're Sigma. So they leave, and she's like, well obviously we gotta go get this guy, right?

Like, we're gonna go find this guy, right? And he gives her some advice that he did not follow earlier when he kicked all those men in the face, which is, the guy thinks you're dead, let him continue to think that you're dead and just leave it alone. Yeah. Yeah, man, look at him, he's critical, not what you did yesterday. Yeah. Good advice, not good fiction, though. So, of course she has to persuade him otherwise. And the way she does that is by being like, you used to be a soldier, your job was to save people, which, um, and he's like-

Oh, his line here is so, like, interesting considering this movie came out in 2002, because she says, these people there, like, human traffickers, there's 400 people in a shipping container, including my family, we need to rescue them. You used to be a soldier, right, what happened? And he goes, I got tired of seeing my best efforts get turned into bullshit by the same people who paid me to do the job. And I'm like, whoa, that's a very prescient line for like pre-Iraq war. Yeah, like 2002 you're saying that?

Yeah, that's really good, man. He was really mad about the betrayal of Iraqi Kurdistan. But so... Oh, real? He says, no one ever cared what we did, and she's like, I respect the troops, Frank Transport, and he's like, fine, okay. So back in the day, back in 2002, even criminals used to have to go to work in an office. And a really nice office, with a lot of, like, you know, Fruzika Arrow kind of vibes, or glass.

A lot of criminals still gotta work in an office. That's true. But so, this one does, and he goes into his office, this is Wall Street, and is immediately held at gunpoint by both Lye and Frank Transporter. RILEY This is a great scene because multiple people are held at gunpoint throughout the course of a... and no one actually gets shot during it. It's just a good...

Everyone's kind be like, this man has 400 Chinese nationals in a shipping container, four of them are already dead. Like, we need to get these guys. It's good to be clear, Frank is disgusted by this human trafficking despite being himself a human trafficker. Like, it's economies of scale, it's like, it's okay when you use a BMW, not when you use a L'Oreal. Yeah, I guess he just found out that half of all people are women, and he was like,

oh shit, they might be trafficking women. Women hold up half the sky? Well, presumably he traffics like guns and drugs, he's just like, I'm against the transportation of people. As Mao famously once implied, men hold up half the sky. But zero for the fellas. Let's go. Look, I like the idea that he's not gay, he's just so volso that he's never even realized women

exist until now. And he's just having these feelings blossom for the first time. Whoa, wait a minute. He's just not thought about them, he's gay. What intersection does he have with women? And gay and trans, yeah. Yeah. But so Wall Street's like, well she's lying to you anyway.

And then Lies' theatrical dad shows up. Love this guy. He's a little bit like, I wrote my cape to the thing, because I thought it would be the vibe. Mr. Quy, played by Rick Young. Well, known as Rick Young, I suppose. But like, interesting character, he just comes in, this man, previously she's told Frank Transporter that her father is in the shipping container, and this is revealed quite quickly

to be not true, as what he is is one of the guys shipping the container. ALICE Yeah, she's like, I misspoke, he's in the shipping container. Business. He's in the business of shipping the container. RILEY He's the boss of this human trafficking chain. Yeah. He's missed containers. He loves the containers. He's missed the business of shipping human traffic. He's Mr. Containers.

He loves the containing, but the ball in it. And so now they get held at gunpoint, and her dad, like, talks her down, he's like, would I kill my only daughter, or whatever, and he gets the gun off her and pistol whips Frank unconscious, just in time for Tarkoni to show up and be like, what transpires? What's bapping? Yeah, during this scene of course they do confirm the shipping container exists, though. Which, they're like, it does have 400 people in it. Dickhead.

Yeah, by the way, we are doing human trafficking. LOL. LOL. Luckily, luckily you have delivered this man into the clutches of his bestie. Like the one cop in France who... Yeah. Inspector Homi. Fucking Tarkoni. The clutches of my bestie. I love to be in the clutches of my bestie.

I... yeah. You know, for real. This is comfortable. He's in the holding cell, and Tarkoni's like, man, it would be a shame if someone left the door open. He's in the building when they do the next security sweep and he ends up in French prison. That's true. It's a damn shame. French prison, easy to get out of. Also the inspector says you've already been charged, and it's like, you charged him while he was unconscious?

That's crazy. You didn't have to do that. Speak to him? In court still pissed away. Damn, French courts are too efficient if anything, in 2002. Do you understand what I've said to you? And he's like, oh, well too efficient, if anything, in 2002. Do you understand what I've said to you? And he's like, oh, woah, woah. Yeah, I feel like his charges aren't gonna stick, considering I was unconscious at the

time he made them. Yeah. Um, but so, we've got a great kind of... You haven't even interviewed any of the witnesses yet! Either way, he's been charged. Um, unlike Luigi Mangione, he's been charged already. ALICE We get a great, um, Tarkony Claude Rains thing where he's like, it would be a shame if someone were to grab my service weapon, which I've

sluttily left poking out of my jacket, like, just right here. This is how every cop talks to me in my brain. But this one he's saying it out loud with his mouth as opposed to, you know, psychically. Yeah, just implying by like putting his service weapon towards me and turning his back away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, this cop is sending a series of complicated psychic messages to me to get me to reach for the thing. Yeah.

It's some kind of disease in your brain, eh? Either way. He takes him hostage. He does a kind of disease in your brain. Either way. He takes him hostage. He does a kind of like a dark night. Cause he talks to me like, I don't know, man, it would take me months to do this. I'm sure it would take you like a day. And the guy's like, Frank Transporter is like, it would take me 12 hours. And he's like, 12 hours?

That's crazy. Well, shame you're in here. Do you want to like, ooo. Yeah. Next shot, the reverse breaking saddles. Oh no, my boobs are falling out. Yeah, they're like, I'm gonna kill this guy if you don't let me out of prison. I'm so clumsy, my service weapon just falls right out of the hole still.

Drop my service weapon slightly on the ground and it goes off and I'm like, oh fuck, sorry, jeep, holy shit. So like, he successfully, like, hostage takes Tarkony out of the building. I'm about to have a negligent discharge of my own. All my discharges are negligent. Oh, I'm sorry, you get pills for that. Let's him go, by getting to a boat full of guns, and Tarkony's like, hey do you want my gun?

It's like, no I'm fine, I've got plenty. I got a lot of guns, man. This is cute. And then, this'm fine, I've got plenty. I got a lot of guns, man. This is cute. And then, this movie, this really goes down easy. We're at the, like, you know, we've got a half hour left of the movie, and Jesus, what a... Yeah, one and a half more fucking paragraphs in the transport plotline. I've barely noticed the time pass.

Like, it's real, it's real fluff. So we return to the cheap and easy filming location of the docks. Yeah. He's going around the shipping containers, he's listening in to the cheap and easy filming location of the docks. Yeah. He's going around the shipping containers. He's listening in to the shipping containers with a stethoscope to see if there's anyone inside. I'm like, why does your bug out bag on the boat have a stethoscope in? Weirdly undig this as well, because there's a shot of them stopping at a pharmacy so he can buy a stethoscope. They thought of it all.

Yes. Whoa. All right. Points to this fucking- Really? I just- Wow. he can buy a stethoscope. They thought of it all! Yes! Shhhhting! Woah! Alright! Points to this fucking- really? Wow! Holy shit! Luke Pressott needed to spend less time thinking about plot holes, and more time thinking about how to be a better human being.

So a really cute idea of the scale of container terminals, yeah it's like five containers I guess. Meanwhile Lye is upstairs in the office wearing her evil outfit, which is a leather jacket. And she's like, obviously dissatisfied to be working here. And her dad like, you know, says fucking, get in the shipping container business or else and slaps her. She shouts at him in Mandarin and he replies, watch any video online with open subtitles free browser extension. He shouts at him in Mandarin and he replies, watch any video online with open subtitles,

free branch extension. Which I thought was a weird thing for him to say, but he just said it and then he hits it. What does he mean by that? I don't know, I don't know. It's such a good movie for untranslated. So he married and then he says to her in English, I paid for the English lessons,

you might as well speak it. It's just like brain work, Luke, well done. Actually I think probably the actual cut of this film probably does have subtitles, it's probably just the website I was watching and I did not provide them. No, no, no, no, because I paid for this, and it doesn't, it untranslated. Does it not? Oh, damn, alright. No, I paid for this on Amazon.

I've heard a tale, I don't know if this is true, it seems apocryphal, that Shuichi spoke no English in this and was like learning her lines by, like, phonetically. Which I don't know if that's true. ALICE That'd be really impressive if so. ZOE You'd be surprised how often that happens. RILEY It doesn't seem like it, but like, if that's true, incredible job because they really did think you were speaking the language.

ALICE Yeah, yeah. she's good at that. Even if there was a guy with a cue card, like off... I did actually manage to find some subtitles for it, one of the... nothing important, as particularly said in Mandarin, but yeah, anyway. Yeah. I suppose the movie has to work without it. Yeah. Frank Transporter immediately gets detected, and then Wall Street is the guy who's like, I will fight this man.

Yeah, he does. And I really appreciate the artifice of a martial arts movie where everybody knows martial arts. I will say that the narrow gap between two shipping containers is not a great location to shoot a fight scene because you can't get the fucking camera crew in. Yeah, it's an interesting idea to fight in that spot, but it's not actually like a filmable idea. Although I will say, they come up with a fucking great fight idea in a couple of seconds.

Yeah, we'll get there. But like, he kicks a lot of men in between two shipping containers, and the convoy full of people trafficking people leaves, and he chases after it and ends up on a bus, on top of a bus, and I remembered the bus depot bit instantly. From, like, again, back through the years, to when I was a child saying things were goated and I was like, this bit was goated, this bit had the source, this bit was crap. When we go to cheap and easy filming location of bus depot?

I remember in 2002 thinking that this was absolutely bussin' no cap for real for real. And it fucking is. So we get two fight scenes back to back. First fight scene is, he fights a bunch of guys in the bus, right, and then finishes by hitting the, like, you know, stop requesting button. They all just pull pipes out of nowhere, and like, why do you have those pipes? You can... Floor pipes.

You can watch a better version of this scene in the film Nobody, the movie that almost killed Bob Odenkirk. For my money that's still the best bus fight scene. He doesn't kill another man, he has a knife and he could do, then he throws it next to his dick to intimidate him and then leaves, and it's like, I like a hero who chooses not to kill. Yeah. But then we get the best scene of the movie.

Oh yeah. The fucking best scene of the movie. Let's get libidinal. Let's get psychosexual about this shit. Let's get fucking Susan Sontag, let's get like, the essence of the eroticist probability. Mmm. So a big goatee guy shows up, and is like, I will fight you, and we get a couple of seconds of them fighting, the heart's not really in it, like, it is really funny that they shoot

this like, oh he's a giant next to Statham, which means that he's like five foot seven. Yeah. Oh, Jason Statham's got his shirt off by the way, he took his shirt off earlier on and used it to strangle some guys. Unconscious. He's ripped, you know? I won't say he isn't ripped. His shirt got torn off him by those guys, and then he's... yeah. He does the little like, taunt thing. Yeah, the Matrix again. Which was, uh, very very good.

Um, but then, in the course of this fight, there's a big, uh, like, trough of grease and oil? Yeah. Just grease. Like... De-grease. De-grease! The grease gets poured on the ground and the fuckin' slipslide in all over the guy itself.

And there's like, slow motion of the grease like glistening over like in Bronson fucking Dan McNinja moments like they can't grab me what are they gonna fucking do absolute just slide in yeah I got the status effect greased I love when action I love when action movies are gay and stupid and this is both gay and stupid extremely so yeah he puts bike pedals on his feet so he's got grippy shoes so he can kick dudes and slide around on the oil whilst they're all like, whoa! And they try and- we get loads of shots of them trying to grab his arms and they're very lovingly sliding off him, just like, damn.

There's a weird like, sp- sound noise every time. There is one guy, who is my favourite guy in this movie, and I want to give him a Kronstein rosette because what it appears to all purposes he does is dive into the pool of grease and attempt to slide across it and suck Jason's date them up. Just going for it mouth open. He's sitting down legs spread and this guy's going for the dip. He's sliding towards it like Jamiroquai mouth open ready to get that thing. Here I come!

That is going above and beyond, right? Because if you're sucked off in the middle of this fight, that's discomforting you. If nothing else. Suck my guy, yeah. It's like muscle complete. The martial art of sucking your opponent on is for a start. It is suck my guy, yeah. You can't just suck this guy off. He's had a... Look, he's had a penoplast. He needs to inflate that thing. He's had a look. He's had a peniplast. He needs to inflate that

thing. It's not like it's right. That's right. That thing up. Like you can eat a man's pussy. Why not? That's that's absolutely. Maybe he's diving in that for any Jason Statham's pussy. I, and now I'm thinking about the fucking tweet thread that lives in my head rent free, rent free about Jason Statham as a cop except he talks about his vagina instead of his penis. I... It's pretty good. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, sure. Don't munt me, Minj. Yeah, let's all memorize that thread and mention it every other episode in this season. Yeah, your boyfriend's in the next room. It actually hasn't been tweeted yet, it's gonna be tweeted in like 2034 November. Crying like he's been fingering Adam fucking Driver, yeah sure. They're fucking old pussies. This ends by him sliding away and then he slides through a window into the sea with

mongo as a human shield. Perfection. The bad guy is throwing an oil barrel after him and shoot it so it like sets on fire. This is an inventive use of the red barrel. It is. It is. Constantine Rosette to these henchmen for being quite thoughtful. And so because he has to stay underwater for longer, this is, I assume, must be a hangover

from the original script in which he was gay, is that he kisses Mongo and sucks the air out of his face. That's one of the most devastating attacks. I love this so much. I know, I love the kiss of death. You're both underwater. I'm like, give me that oxygen. It sucks it out of his lungs.

Episode art is this gay underwater kiss and he swims to safety. Jesus Christ, yeah. It's like the shape of water. I love it. In a more cowardly movie, he's just gone to the surface and we'd have a shot of him being like, and I wipe his mouth, but he doesn't! He doesn't! He just cracks right on!

I'm like, good for you, man! As with the crank movies, one of which I love and one of which I hate, Jason Statham will 100% sell it, right? Like, there's no kind of like, well that just happened thing. The thing happens, good or bad. And this is firmly in the good column here. Yeah. He's a good actor in this movie, I like it. I really like Jason Statham. I've got no problem at all with Jason Statham.

I really don't need to know any of his political views or personal, anything, really. But I really like the guy. Yeah, this movie made me like him. I have a parasocial relationship with Jason Statham. I will never read the personal life section of anyone's Wikipedia page. Just for, I wanna see the movies, I wanna be like, wow, cool. This guy seems cool. I like Jason Statham. They should have let the transporter be gay.

They very much should have, yeah. So he has to chase after the thing, in a tiny, shitsy little Renault 5, which dies, and he has to run after a nearby crop spraying plane. This is so good, it's like GTA. Like he's trying to press triangle on this. This is quite fucking sick. He has to jog after it until it lands, and find the pilot, and then press triangle. He threatens the pilot with a gun, but even then he kind of does it with a smile and he's

like, I'm not a tourist. He's like, I'm not going to shoot you. I do need you to get out of the plane. I do need you to fly the plane though. He makes the pilot fly him over the convoy. He parachutes out and lands on the truck and it is sick. It's sick. The parachute's my favorite, some of my favorite shots in this movie because it's four like shots at the back of someone who is not Jason Statham's head, but it's like, it's parachuting in bootcut jeans and trainers.

2002! 2002 AD. Bring me back. So, too late to stop 9-11, but you know, stuff a lot of other stuff. Financial crash hasn't happened? Yeah, a lot of it has. Yeah, second financial lot of other stuff. But also Crash hasn't happened? Yeah.

A lot of them have, yeah. Second financial crash hasn't happened either. This is weird, the host of The Apprentice just got shot. Whoa. It's like some TV guys, right? But so, he like, fucking kicks through the windshield of the truck, to get the driver out of the truck. Again, perfect. Fights in the truck cabin. Everything about this is unbelievable.

Yeah. Just, yeah, now this is perfect. It's a little bit Indiana, it's ripping Indiana Jones a little bit. Where Student comes up and manages to like, kick him out the front of the truck, but then he crawls under the truck, throws a socket wrench at Henchman's car, it's sick, it's cool, it rules. The driver of both Mr. Quay and his daughter Lya's car just gets taken out with this socket wrench to the head.

I said it was Tyrone. And there's so much leg in this movie. Like, he and Wall Street end up just kicking each other in the, kind of like leg wrestling in the cabin of this Renault Magnum, and it's like, incredible. We used to make movies. He finally, his stronger legs triumph over Wall Street's weaker legs, and Wall Street gets kicked out of the cabin, it like hits the asphalt and fucking dies. RIP Wall Street, that was his name. And then the last ten minutes of the movie, I have five notes and three of them are, how

did he get there, how did they get there, how did they get there and how did he get there. So he's now in control of one of the two shipping containers, he drives it to the beach, and as soon as he parks it, Lies Dad points a gun to his head, he's like, get out! And he's like, how did you get that? Okay, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Takes him hostage, and what Lai's father says to his driver, new driver I guess, lie away from her, if she tries to run, shoot her.

It's the same driver, he's just tanked a tyre iron, like Korea says. Yeah, he's just like, his head is swimming, it's like, alright, yeah, I'm sure. Fuck, I'll take her away, alright. Like the guy in Parasite, he's just like... Excuse me, is the woman in Parasite just like, uh? He marches Frank to the cliff edge, and Frank's like, you're evil, you're a shit, and your daughter hates you, and he's like, my daughter will come around, she's gonna be like me, don't you worry, she will come around in time, I'll teach her to take the

family business." ALICE Genuinely, like, Frank Transporter says, I know she'll never stop being who she is. Trans. Trans. Trans. Trans. TRANSCORER It's nice that he says nice things about her.

That he's just like, she's never gonna be like you, you're a shithead, she's nice. Like, fuck you. No, we hear off in the distance a scream and then a gunshot, and like we keep hold on Mr. Quiet's face and he goes, okay, maybe she won't come around. Guess she won't be coming around after all. That's fine. Yeah, okay, here's what I think happened. Alright, well, I did tell that guy to shoot her, so I guess that's my fault, but- He logically follows the consequences of my actions, yeah.

NICOLAS Yeah, that's fine. ALICE Regardless. NICOLAS And Lai shoots him in the back, and kills him. ALICE How'd she get there? NICOLAS She shot the guy who took hostage and walked. NICOLAS I guess she screamed and shot him, I don't know. NICOLAS I think in fiction it's cool to kill your transphobic dad. NICOLAS It's also nice that she saves his life.

She doesn't distract him so he can do a kick, she straight up saves his life at the end of the movie. Yeah, she shoots her dad and saves the transporter. It's not that she lets him do the epic coup de grace, she does it. And she's still upset, because she just killed her dad, and there's a moment where he goes in to hug her, and Jason Statham's face, just before he hugs her, is so empathetic, and so like, oh my god you must feel- You're so real, isn't it?

Yeah. He was like, oh of course you're so upset, like he's so... he's really like, I'm gonna hug you to like hold you because you must be going through something awful right now because you just shot your father, and like, it's so nice, I just love the way that he plays this with her! Statham underrated actor. I'll say that. STATHEM!

I know that she's not coming back for the sequel, because of course she isn't, but I just really want her to, because their dynamic is so nice. Yeah, genuinely. But so, then, Tarkoni shows up with the cavalry and I go, how'd they get there? Because Jason Stathem gave a note to the pilot of the Crops plane saying, call this guy. Again, Luc Besson! He may have been allegedly a nonce, but he was, uh, but... ALICE He's undingable, he's an undingable man, he

covers his plot holes. RILEY He covered the plot holes, yeah. RILEY He might have been a nonce, but he did cover all the plot holes in this movie, thus rendering him completely immune to criticism from the podcast Kill James Bond. That b*** can write a film. Allegedly. Yeah.

I think we're gonna have to bleep several parts of this episode. This man might be a b*** of children, but he wrote a good movie. Uh, legally, cause legally they call him Monsieur acquitted of all charges, like I can't be clear enough about that. And in France it was legal for him to not just date, but I think marry a 15 year old. So um. Well if it's legal in France. Barbarous.

Barbarous. Barbarous nation. The French people are not human, they are not ensouled, they need some sort of civilizational mission. Jeremy Irons is wasting their time. Let the Portuguese enslave them, I don't give a fuck. The final part of this movie is, uh, these sort of trafficked people delivered safely into the hands of the French immigration authorities.

It is 2002, you are going to Saint-Gate. Yeah, let's not think too hard about what the French government can do to them. Best case scenario you're sent directly back. But like there's a big up swelling of music and my final note here is, can you imagine a movie now where the hero rescues, for a given value of the word rescues, 400 undocumented immigrants? Can you fucking imagine that happening now? You can't find a single politician to even say immigration isn't unvarnished and good. I can think of Terminator Dark Fate and that's the only one. And that's not the plot, that's just an incidental thing that happens.

I have not, and probably won't until we have to do it. Watch Terminator... It's good. Terminator Dark Fate is good. Dark Force, Dark Side of the Moon, whatever. Dark Fate is good, it's good. It's like the sci-fi season. But that's the transporter. Fascinating little time capsule, and I'll tell you what, I was right about it when I was a kid. Yeah, I hate to say it, like... I knew how good we had it. Child of November.

Completely correct. Vindicated? Vindicated? They're saying I'm the most vindicated child there's ever been. Quitted on all charges? It's genuinely like, I don't know, 2002 kind of like the 9-11 hadn't quite kicked in yet, especially in France, because they're like, no thanks, we don't believe in that sort of thing. We were racist already. Well, if it's released in 2002, that means they were sort of still making it in 2001.

Which means like, yeah. Just like getting Jason Satham in his dressing room filming the transport and being like, they hit the fucking pentagon. Jesus Christ. They hit the pentagon. Jesus Christ. Oh my god, they hit the pentagon. And...

The war on terror! It is like the master, isn't it? They hit the pentagon! Jason Statham and his bilingual accent will return in The Transporter 2, this time there's a second type of woman. I'm so hyped to discuss it because I remember it being weird and I'm excited to see if I'm vindicated again. I'm locked in. I'm so locked in for the transporter. I remember there being a Ukrainian woman in transporter 3 and that's the only thing I remember about the franchise from now on.

Let's go. There's like four of the bastards. LIAM Wonderful. Wonderful. ALICE We are going to do every single one of them. Kill James Bond. Thank you so much for listening. The next- RILEY Well, you've forgotten something. Because we don't just have to be subjective about this movie.

We were just gonna close the fucking podcast out, weren't we? Leave that in. We genuinely were about to just stop recording. ALICE No, I forgot this. I gave out a Kronstein rosette and I forgot the scum system. Much like Jason Statham, Frank the Transporter, we have a science-based system. It's called the scum system. It stands for SMAM.

Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. Someone work out what all of that is in French. Uh, and... SMAM. Jesus Christ. SMAM. Les violence sont provoques. Mostly I just want to hear from some French people.

I'm sorry I said you weren't in sold earlier. Are they even men? Yeah, well I mean, yeah. Yeah, French men, what's up? How's it going? I'm uncomfortable with the new like, attracted to men direction of this podcast. I thought that was my niche. Kill James Bond straight up?

Okay fine. Let me just balance this out here. French women, I am crawling on my hands and knees across 500km of broken glass to get a DM request from you, please. I've already dated a French woman so I'm good, but French men, if you're not doing anything whilst your women are with November, hey. I am willing to hurt myself again, in the sense of dating, uh, like, a European woman, I am willing to do this. I hope they are too. Right. Scum. It stands for smarm. Culture and sensibility. How smarmy is the transporter. Not hugely. It's quite earnest, weirdly. Yeah.

I don't know if that's Statham, or the fact that he was supposed to be gay or whatever, but like, he's not smarmy. There is a couple of movie ass lines where she's like, oh you always complain, accept when we make love, and you say nothing. She says that. There's a couple of lines like that. Because like, the original, like, uh, you know, I calculated all the variable shit is quite smarmy.

Uh huh. But he doesn't, he gets knocked out of that pretty fucking quickly. He doesn't, it's part of his character arc actually, that he loosens up a bit. Yeah. I dunno, I feel like you've gotta give it a couple of points for the initial smarm, but after that... I feel like it's very satisfied that it gets the Proust reference in there.

Yeah that is true. Four? I could see... no, three. I think you're being generous there, but okay. Uh, cultural insensitivity. I mean, omissions, certainly. Yeah, there's... well, yeah. We've got some Asian lead actors who have names and character arcs and...

It's true. It's kind of rough that they're all, you know, crime family, but it's a crime movie, so... True. True. I feel like, especially for 2002, it could have been much worse. Yeah. Yeah, I dunno. I... it's not...

I don't remember anything outright, like, directly offensive about it, certainly. This might be a really low score... I mean... I can't imagine, if they'd cast a white woman as Lye, I can't imagine the script being that different. There's one moment where the Wall Street says, yeah, Lye is the perfect name for her, and I'm like, alright, well... Not even necessarily racist, the man just loves a pun.

That's in the voice of our antagonist, if I have to be fair. Also true. 2002. racist, the man just loves a pun. Yeah, that's in the voice of our antagonist, if I have to be fair. Also true. 2002. Yeah, he doesn't even do the like, you know, I'm a cartoon villain and that means that I do some racism. That's very true. I'm looking at movies that came out in 2002 and they really had not swapped into the post-911

mood yet. It was 2003, I think that started with the Iraq War. 2002 is like, movies we've seen, Die Another day, Star Wars Episode II, some of all fears... ALICE We missed a timeline where everything got moderately woke on an infinite scale forever, and it all got very... everything looked like Windows XP forever. RILEY Yeah, we still kind of thought this was the end of history, a little bit. Like, something had happened.

Yeah, 9-11 really really fucked the world up, didn't it. But again, 9-11 was a natural consequence of the Americans' actions, so it's not like we can say that that's the specific event that changed things. Dialectical materialism leads us to believe that there never would have been a world in which they were making the 20th Pierce Brosnan Bond movie. No. Because again, it was this dying of a day that came out in 2002. And the financial crash would have happened anyway. And then Covid, and yeah, no, I dunno, you can't go back.

It was the fucking North Korean space laser Bond that came out, they were not gonna make another of those. ALICE You can't go back, you can't jump in the same river twice. Cultural insensitivity, I say like, two? RILEY Two? Yeah. What the f-?

ALICE Huh? Did none? RILEY What? No, the untranslated Mandarin? The Chinese guys are necessarily- ALICE Oh, you're so right. Okay, yeah. I found translations of it. RILEY People translate- not in the movie that I watched, which is the only standard I have to judge based on,

I suppose. Yeah, nor in mine. I'll do three. Give it three at the very least. Okay. I'm sort of inclined towards mercy on this one, not least because the misogyny is gonna be quite punishing. Yes.

Unprovoked violence. He does incite them to murder their friend because he weighs too much for the suspension of his car. He does incite them to murder their friend because he weighs too much for the suspension of his car. NICOLAS He does do that. GEOFF I mean, that's their fault, they agree. Like, he doesn't change the terms of a deal. NICOLAS We are asked to believe that this is cool. GEOFF It's supposed to establish him, which I guess

means we do have to believe it's cool, so it is uncrowned violence. NICOLAS Yeah. GEOFF Okay, yeah. Give it some. NICOLAS His arc is away from that, more towards compassion, but it's true. Still though. I do like that he declines to kill people, that's nice.

No, he definitely shows mercy multiple times throughout the movie, which should be like... You know, this should give us negative points, I suppose. He does choose to continue kidnapping a woman once he knows that's what he's doing. That's true. He does. And like, well, I fell in love what he's doing. That's true. He does. And like, well, I fell in love with her, does not stand up in court, you're on it. Yes, that's true. And were it not for the fact that they tried to blow him up...

See, this is why, again, it would be better if he was gay. But where, like, yes... Were it not for the fact that they tried to blow him up, he would have just kidnapped her and gone through with it. Yes, he would have. You've been like, I feel bad about this, but not really done anything about it. Give him a couple, give him a couple. So I feel like I'm giving it, like, four, but I'm also gonna take a couple back for

refusing to kill people? Yeah. So, like, a two? Two, yeah. Yeah, give him a two. Okay. And then misogyny. Well, there's one kind of woman.

Hot. She primarily enjoys being tied up. And she communicates mostly through scared woman noises. ZOE She's kind of childlike, and so, yeah, naive. ALICE She's certainly portrayed as being most attractive to him when she is most childlike and helpless. And then shifts immediately into, like, very helpful, although that is admittedly a ploy, like I like that she has the agency to lie to him.

That's true, that's true. She also helps, she gets to do the killing at the end. It doesn't really hammer in on the duplicity and be like, oh well she's lying because she's a woman who are inherently untrustworthy, it's just a logical thing for her to do, under the circumstances, because she found his fucking memory box and she knows he's's like, you know, missed a shoot you in the kneecaps. I... yeah. I... I feel like I want to take a point back as well, just for the way Jason's safe and plays this. That it's nice, the way that he, like, when he's being nasty to her it's not as believable

as when he's being nice. This could have been so so bad. So easily. Like textually, if you just read the script of this, this is like a six or something. ZAC We've gone soft. But that's fine, I'm one of the people who's gone soft, so fucking give it a low score, whatever. ALICE I dunno, if we pull it back to like a four or five.

ZAC Four. ALICE Four? Okay. ZAC Four. ALICE Four. ZAC Four. ALICE Four. ZAC Four. ALICE Four. ZAC Four. Four? Okay. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Yeah, I mean that's better than most Bonds. Yeah, you could watch The Transporter, and it'd be pretty good. Yeah, you could watch The Transporter. I wanna give Krunstein Rosette to the guy trying to eat Jason Statham's pussy. Yeah, yeah. 100%. Write that down. And potentially also to the guys who throw the red barrel into the water, cause that's

inventive. It's an inventive use of the red barrel. That's better than all but two of the Bond films. It's pretty darn good. Pretty darn good. That tracks, to be honest. Yeah, no Good Nights, I don't think. Definitely no Kaufmans. No.

No Coxes. We're out. I wonder if we'll get sort of less well disposed to them as we see the two sequels in a reboot. I'm interested to see them, yes. Yeah, I hope it doesn't go the Rambo way of starting off promising and then just getting bad. Yeah, well, we'll have to see, and I hope you'll join us on that journey. But thank you so much for listening, we have a Patreon.

You can subscribe to it, due to inflation. We're watching a lot of religious movies. Yeah, we went on a little religious mania, it's fine, that's allowed. The most recent one is The Mission, which is Abbey's pick, the next one is gonna be my pick, which I haven't decided yet. So, yeah, go to Kill James Bond. So, it was this, I think. Go to KillJamesBond.com.

RILEY KillJamesBond.com slash Patreon. We've got a bunch of collections now, I put a bunch of collections together to sort of showcase the best of what's behind the paywall. Oh, hell yeah. Um, because it's only a fiver to get access to our entire backlog, which is more than a hundred episodes. Yeah. Yeah, and that's less and less money all the time. Yeah.

It sure is. Because of the economy. Because of the fucking ghost pot. This'll come out two weeks after now, so fucking who knows. Five dollars or 17 bottle caps will get you... Congratulations on hand cranking enough electricity to listen to the podcast and we hope to... Cannot believe that they finally got him. It's the old Soviet joke, right?

An old man goes to a newsagent every single day, and the newsagent's just watching him show up and all that he does is read the headlines and then turn around and leave. All right. And eventually he's like, old man, what are you waiting for? You're clearly waiting for something. And he goes, I'm just, I'm waiting for an obituary. And the guy's like, you know, they're not going to be on the front page. The obituaries are usually like at the end of the newspaper. And the old guy goes, not the one I'm waiting for. All right.

Kill James Bond. Bye. See you next time. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. In two weeks time on the free feed, our next episode will of course be Transporter 2. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, then you can get some slightly higher brow entertainment by going over to our Patreon. That's patreon.com slash Kill James Bond, all one word, and signing up for the last five pounds a month and next week's episode will be Andrei Rublev that's

right baby so I'm telling you the end of his transporter episode is that next episode we are gonna be discussing the 1966 Andrei Tarkovsky biographical film about the icon painter Andrei Rublev and his life in 15th century Russia. And I gotta tell you, it is a fucking amazing movie. And to speak directly to the people who support such endeavours, the £15 and above patrons, thank you. And you are... Low Beyond's daughter, Candy Fox, Freya Alawish's, Gustavo Lira, Elspeth Hunt, Jordan Gammie, Nick Boris, Mike Berg, Hannah Oberius, Gustavo, Lyra, Elspeth, Hunt, Jordan, Gammie,

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Peace.