KILL TONY - #477 - KIM CONGDON

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

Kim Congdon, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 10/19/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:HAWTHORNE.CO – GET 10% OFF YOUR PURCHASE WITH CODE: “TONY” AT HAWTHORNE.CO—ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. That's the official website of the Death Squad universe. There you can find every episode of Kill Tony, including past video portions of the show. Go to DeathSquad.tv. And ShopSquad.tv is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, and it has the official Kill Tony shirt, and we're about to release a new one. So visit ShopSquad.tv today.

And last but not least, Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com to find out everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store, Main Room, our brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Hey, here we go again. Pretty much an empty room.

Sounds good, though. Sounds great. Feels awesome. Just 480 people short. But you know what? We're going to get through it. How are you, Red Band? I am good, man.

Good weekend. There you go. Me, too. I'm with you on that. A lot of golfy poos. A lot of golfy poos. That's it. That's it.

Cut my score by another, I don't know, five strokes. You know what I mean? I'm just advancing. I'm just basically advancing like most golfers do in a year every week. But no big deal. You know what I mean? I'm just some of us are winners and some of us aren't. I'm excited to be here again, live from the world famous comedy store in a quarantined

main room. Hey, look at this. Do you see this? General Bogus? It's the great Ryan J. E. Belt right here. Whoa. Look at that guy. Come on.

He draws every single episode, every print of every episode of the show is available at Ryan J. E belt.com, including all the tour posters, everything, all the amazing art. And look at that new Hinchcliffe's notes shirt that I am obsessed with. That's fun. You know how much I hear. Lean towards that. Cheat towards that camera. Show them your little.

Whoa. Look at that. Boy. That's great. I have a boner for that. Sure. Pilot episode of kill Tony. That's right.

Make sure the diehards and there's some other cool kill Tony things over available at Ryan J. E belt.com. Make sure you check them out. Vito's pizza is what we ate before this episode as with all episodes. You want to hear a crazy confession? Uh-oh. You know, I've been talking about the ZD. I've been talking about the calzones.

Going to parties. I've been taking it to parties today. I was hungry and I needed something on the fly. I had to go somewhere. I had to make a meeting and I was, and I was hungry. You know what I did? Even though I knew we were going to have pizza before the show, I went and grabbed a fucking slice at Vito's pizza on La Cienega.

Is that all you eat now is a town like pasta and pizza? It's all I've really ever eaten. But you know what I mean? A lot of steak, a lot of rib eyes, and when I'm not eating straight fucking man meat, right down my fucking gullet, I go to Vito's pizza on La Cienega right by Santa Monica. You can catch me over there. The great Gino is here, everybody from Speedweed, Betterbox Studios, kept us, kept us afloat during the incredible pandemic and riots here in Los Angeles.

And yeah, Rick Cossack is here. Yeah. Taking pictures. This is very exciting. And caveman coffee. You can go to cavemancoffee.com and use the promo code killtony and save 15%. And you know, I love that stuff. Our refrigerators are full of it.

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And we're back! I'm so excited to be here for tonight's show. Are you guys excited here everybody? Here are. There's about, there's got to be at least 12 people in this room built for 500 and nothing is more exciting than the current form of the show. We're getting through it. We're going to have a lot of fun and we've been doing it with guests and we have another

guest here tonight. This is a very, very exciting one, a very special one. This young lady made her debut in stand up comedy on this show and is one of the first ever regulars in the history of the show, literally one of the OG regulars. She went on, she continues to have an incredible career, her debut special came out last year and she's here right now. Ladies and gentlemen, longtime fans of the show, you're in for a special treat because our guest tonight is none other than the great Kim Congden, everybody.

Here we go. The return of Kim Congden. Back from New York City. Whoa, what's up you guys? Hello. Hey. Welcome back. Thank you.

Welcome, welcome. Wow, it feels weird being over here. Yeah. I've done Kill Tony before but never back at the comedy store. Really? Yeah. I've been in the NIAC. West NIAC.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. I do remember that. Yeah. With Lewis and we all smoked a lot before. That's right. I remember being extremely high. I remember the gradient.

Not really hammered. Lewis gave me a bloody nose that night at Dave and Buster's by accident because we were like wrestling and we were hammered and then the security guy tried to break it up like it was a real fight. Damn. Oh, sweet Lewis. Some of the band was there for NIAC, right? Jeremiah and Joel.

Right? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were asking them and they were coming out. I was like, oh yeah, there they come. Yeah. So then you do remember that there is a band and there is a band tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be.

They've been in the back green room getting prepared. We're all going to find out at the same time. They usually stay in character throughout the entire episode. Sometimes Joel has a little bit of trouble with that and we all laugh about it. There they are. Ladies and gentlemen, the best damn band in the land. We're missing Jet Ski tonight, but you have Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Carl MacRiss.

Here we go. Oh, wow. Their construction guys. Oh my goodness. Oh, wow. Wow. This is very exciting. This is very exciting.

Wow. Good Joel. Oh my goodness. There's a, what appears to be a construction woman as well. Hello, construction lady. Oh, Pete. What is Baloney Pete? My wife always backs me in Baloney sandwich for lunch.

Baloney Pete. How could I forget that? Welcome back to the show Baloney Pete. You excited to be back? Baloney? Is it okay if I call you Baloney? Oh, whatever you like, man. Yeah, that's fine.

Chroma Chris is here. How are you? What's your name? Hey, good Tony. Name's Jack. Jack Hamma? Jack Hanna. Jack Hamma?

Jack Hamma. Ah. Hamma? Yeah, with an A. Jack Hamma. All right. That's cool. And clearly back here, we have what appears to be a Lego man construction worker.

What's your name, sir? My name is Robert the Builder. Robert the Builder. I actually saw Jack Hanna in the back and I didn't know what was going on and he really scared me and looked just like someone doing construction in the back that wasn't supposed to be there. And I was like, what are you doing here? And he's like, you didn't see me and I wasn't here.

And I think he was trying to tell me about the show, but I thought I was going to be raped. Jack Hamma, not to be confused with someone that I grew up with, Columbus Zoo, Jack Hanna. Yeah, my old camp counselor. The better Steven Irwin. Yeah, the goddamn American Steven Irwin, the goddamn Patriot Steven Irwin, the red, white and blue, the still alive Steven Irwin. Didn't die from a fish.

Yeah. I think it killed by a fucking stingray. Oh my God. Oh, oh, took a stingray to the chest mate. I'm going to leave my children, uh, fatherless children. Who dies from something that stings? Yeah, exactly. Macaulay Culkin.

And my girl, yes, actually got me on that one. There you go. Good job. Robert the builder. All right. So, uh, we have all that. We have the, uh, construction workers. We have Kim Congden.

We have, uh, the sound board. Oh my goodness. How could we forget? We have a very special announcement. I know you're looking over there thinking, I don't even know who Baloney Pete is. I don't know who's playing that character. It seems like it could be anybody. Maybe Matthew McConaughey, maybe Brad Pitt, but it's actually, believe it or not, Jeremiah

Watkins and Jeremiah has his day view special coming out in just, uh, a few months and you can pre-order it right now at Jeremiah Watkins.com. This is the official announcement of, uh, of that it's happening right now. This is that announcement. Go to Jeremiah Watkins.com pre-order the special. It's going to come out in December. So you have some time, but what's it called Tony? It's called family values.

It's called family reunion. Family reunion. I got it. I finally found it right then. I'll very last second. It's family. I never asked to do this and I appreciate the respect. Thank you.

Baloney Pete. Go to Jeremiah Watkins.com. Family reunion comes out in December. It's one hour. Pre-order it now. If you're a real kill Tony fan, you'll pre-order it now. And by now I mean set a reminder in your phone and keep listening to this episode, but, uh, then pre-order it after the episode.

Oh, shit. Not your life. Baloney Pete did not like that. I said, don't do it right now. Yeah. Set a reminder. Yeah. Made me toss my lunch.

Hey. Okay. So we're going to get on with the show. We have a bucket as with all these usual quarantine episodes, pre-selected five comedians. It's a big, uh, it's a big, wild bucket today. People came from all over the world. Some people came from different states. Some people came from different countries.

Very exciting surprises in store inside this bucket. But before we get to that bucket, why not start the show with a goddamn regular, uh, this young man I believe is the longest tenured regular in the history of the show, which is very exciting. Cause this is Kim Congden, one of the first regulars in the history of the show. And now look, now she's one of the top young rising comedians in the world. You had your debut special come out on, what was it? Like, I did a HBO Latino special.

HBO Latino. I've been auditioning to get a one hour HBO Latino special for 13 years and they will just not have me. They say no sea a cabron every time I try, which means don't be an asshole. I do believe. Is that right? Um, yeah. Okay.

You got it. I don't know. I didn't really. She's not that kind of Mexican. Is that right? Joel? Uh, it's, it's there. It's close enough.

It's like kitchen Spanish. You're good. That's exactly where I was told that. My name is Robert. I'm a kitchen every time. How do you say kitchen in Spanish? Uh, Cucina, Cucina, Cucina, Italian, a Cucina. That is the thing is I took Italian in high school and those two things have nasty crossovers.

Miss McVicker, one of my least favorite teachers, your crossover that Ellen, I never learned Italian from an angry Irish woman. I promise you, it just doesn't work. Speaking of crazy, wild, uh, Irish things, ladies and gentlemen. This is the regular that gets the party started here. Always an extremely fun performance. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the big red machine, the great William Montgomery. An uninterrupted 60 seconds from audience favorite William Montgomery.

Whatever happened to the hooker from Fraggle Rock? Uh, I used to be the town's chief meteorologist, but then they fired me for saying stuff like 65% chance of rain if you don't convert to Christianity. I messed that up a little bit. Uh, Memphis is known for their barbecue, lots of barbecue places. My mom asked me if I wanted to try this new Korean barbecue place and I told her I prefer Gangnam style. This is a good one.

Uh, I thought Taco Bell had a bell on the roof and you just needed a password to get to the top of the tower. That is actually not the case. That's a bad one. My first beach vacation was to Long John Silver's. Uh, I was thinking that set was going to go much better. Oh God. I loved it.

I thought it was great. William Montgomery. Everybody. Jesus. Uh, hi, William. Welcome. How are you? I loved it.

I thought it was great. Thank you. Yeah. I actually thought it was really good. I love the part where you said this is a good one and then afterwards it didn't go well and you said it was a bad one. That was amazing and I'm sure that's going to hit hard with the people at home. Really William Montgomery likes that very quick, fiery jokes with, uh, uh, the, uh, punch

lines and references are very, um, very, uh, knit, knit, niche, niche, niche, niche. Kuchina. Wrong with me today. Kusina. Kuchina. Niche. Niche. Can you see the spot?

Oh my butt. There's a spot on your butt. No. Does it look wet? Why? What happened? I've just been sweating a bunch. I don't know what I think about these cotton shorts.

Oh, you're trying out some of the new shorts. William, William was wearing the same pair of shorts for, uh, for years, Kim, and we asked the listeners at home to, uh, to send him some shorts and they sent about 45 pairs of shorts in the past two weeks. And you got those wet the new ones? I did. It's from my butt that was sweating. You got a nervous butt.

When was the last time you got the front wet? You know what I'm saying? The front butt? Is that a China? No, the front. What? When was the last time you got your D-wet? I actually was at my place earlier, I took some Adderall and I masturbated four times.

So it was earlier. Does the Adderall make you masturbate faster, more, the same amount? How does the Adderall change your normal masturbating habits? Just become more annoying when you're masturbating. I don't, I don't know. It's hard to say. I was, I was in the zone earlier though. He comes in numbers.

Well, I got good news for you, William. After wet shorts. What's that? Do we have some more? There's a new pair of shorts. Whoa. 38 regular asphalt gray. Love it.

You can go try those bad boys on and we're going to, we'll see what they look like later. Let me ask you one question. You said that you messed up your meteorology joke that had to do with Christianity. I just feel like I stumbled over my words. You want to try it one more time? Yeah, let me try it again. Here we go. And...action.

All right. Hold cut and let's take it from the top and...action. Action. Wait. No. You know what? Let's do that. Zach, get on that camera and slowly zoom in on his face when, when he starts this.

And you try to deliver it to that camera as much as you can. Go ahead. And action. I used to be the town's chief meteorologist, but then they fired me for saying stuff like there's going to be a 65% chance of rain if you don't convert to Christianity. Wow. You really had to read that straight off the card for most. You don't have that memorized at all.

I've been reading these cards for months now. Wow. My memory shot. I don't know what it is. My memory shot. Have you been drinking again? No. Oh my God.

Actually, my Florida Gators is a Florida Gator town. I knew it. Kim Congdon is also a Florida Gator. Are you really? Yeah, I recognize. Did you watch the game on Saturday? No. We looked good.

The defense looked bad, but offense looked good. But I basically, I drink all day Saturday. I never got drunk, but I was sort of drinking all day. Oh, that's good. It's good to know that you're... You're a Florida Gator. That's why you have swamp ass. It could be.

It is hot in here right now. Well, you can go drain the swamp in your new asphalt gray, 38 regular shorts. It's really not hot in here either. You're wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Yeah, I don't know. I've been hot all day. I don't know what's up.

Alcohol and Adderall withdrawals he's going through right now. It's funny because it's... Is that it? Yeah. Which Fraggle Rock is the hooker, by the way? There's not a hooker on Fraggle Rock. Are you looking for like... You think all of his jokes...

Does she have an only fans? It's one of the first episodes she's on it. Oh, that was good. That was. William, anything else crazy happening in your life this week? Not really. I've been cooking on the crock pot a bunch. Oh, that's great.

Nothing. There's nothing I love more than fresh cooked crock pot food from someone that sweats profusely. What have you made? Porridge? Like what kind of thing are you doing? Porridge. Let's porridge.

Is that something you're making a crock pot? No, I've been making chicken dishes. What kind of chicken dishes? Pizzole. Yeah? How do you make that? Can you give people... Let's do a little segment.

Let's do a little brand new segment that we've never done on the show where you take us through the recipe for how you cook chicken pizzole. Here it is in the kitchen with William Montgomery. Here it goes. Here's the music for the kitchen. Okay, y'all. You're going to want four boneless, skinless chicken breasts. You're going to want two cans of...

What am I looking at? You're going to want two cans of diced tomatoes. You're going to want a big old can of pizzole. You're going to want salt. You're going to want pepper. You're going to want to mix all that stuff up in the crock pot. You're going to want to put it on high. You're going to want to check it after eight hours.

You're going to want to get the chicken breasts out of there. You're going to want to shred it. You're going to want to leave it in there for 30 more minutes. And man, it is delicious. It is to die for. It probably is to die for because it sounds like you're going to have salmonella after that. There's really not...

Eight hours cooking it? I mean, on high? On high, eight hours? No, it's in liquid. What kind of liquid? Oh yeah, I missed that. Oh, here we go. You're going to want, I would say, five or six cups of chicken stock.

Oh, five or six pounds of chicken stock? Cups. Oh, cups of chicken stock. Oh, and also, Tony, I got booked for my first headlining gig. You got bugged for it? Booked. Booked for it. It happened a couple of weeks ago.

How was it? It happened a couple of days. Oh, right. A couple of weeks ago. It's in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. Really? No kidding. It's in Eureka, California.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm excited. I have only ever done 45 minutes once. I have probably 10 minutes. Wow. So I don't know how I'm going to con these people. Are you just going to go with all these index cards? Are you going to like put them in a book?

Are you going to have a teleprompter? I don't know what I'm going to do. So you're starting to get nervous. That's like a nine-hour drive. Are you going to drive there? Are you going to pay 39 bucks for a flight? If I know anything about William, he'll take the worst possible mode of transportation that makes zero sense.

He'll put himself in a very weird position. I'm driving. Yeah. I hung on to the bottom of a trunk. He looks like he rides passenger on those motorcycles with the things on the side. Yeah. Sidecar Willy. That's what we call them sometimes.

Old Sidecar Montgomery. I'm really excited. Again, I hope these people aren't watching. Can somebody shut the fuck up? What do you have for breakfast today, William? Seriously, can somebody shut the fuck up? William, what do you have for breakfast today? Uh, Pizzolare.

Yeah, you had more Pizzolare? Yeah, we eat that shit almost every day. I think he's trying to say pizza. No, I think I'm trying to say Pizzolare. Oh, shit. I don't think Kim knows. William, what the fuck are you talking about? William gets really angry, really.

Yeah, I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? That's the Adderall. Come on. When you say, add a can of Pizzolare, what does that even look like? It's corn. He means hominy. Hominy, yeah.

Wait, is Pizzolare corn there? Is Pizzolare corn? Yes, the hominy is corn. I like my hominy with bone thugs and hominy. I love them. Hominy, hominy, hominy, hominy, hominy, hominy, hominy. Okay, there he goes. William, go try on those shorts for us.

William. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Not to be confused with the great author, Greg Pizzoli. What's up, Pizzoli? It's like a pizza. It's just that it looks like a stuffed pizza.

No, if you look up a chicken, I believe it's P-O-Z-O-L-E, and it's pronounced pozole for all you fucking gringos out there. There's like three Mexicans in here that were pissed off when he was giving the direction. Hey, what happened to Robert the Builder? He's right here, you fucking idiot.

All right. Back to the bucket. To the bucket we go for the first time. Yeah, there it is. It's kind of like, what's that chicken where you pound it with the sauce? Yeah, it's like... Chicken morsel?

No, it's basically chicken soup. Chicken rigatoni? Chicken rigatoni, yes. Yes. Baloney Pete. With a name like Baloney Pete, you should know your Italian foods, right? I don't know.

I don't want to get baloney sandwiches. What ethnicity are you, Baloney Pete? I don't know. You don't even know? I don't know. Have you ever looked at your family tree before? Yeah. What are you? I'm Italian. You sound Italian. You sound a lot like Rocky Balboa.

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Say the word Adrian. Adrian! Okay, come on. He's a little fishy to me. You've never seen the movie Rocky? No.

Have you ever seen the movie Scream? Yeah. Okay, come on. Jesus Baloney Pete, you must have listened to the 15 episodes of Kill Tony where that joke's been made in the past. Yeah, I'm a big fan of this show.

Okay. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for your first bucket pull of the night. It's Amy Freese, everybody. Here we go. Amy Freese. 60 seconds

from Amy Freese. And here we go. Here's Amy. Amy Freese. So, first of all, yes, it's me, you know, the girl who

I'm getting kind of recognized now because I kissed a guy on this stage eight months ago, but it's really no biggie, though. No, it's amazing to be here. I'm so excited. This is seriously a dream come true. Yeah, and I'm so glad that I listened

to my parents. They always told me to do whatever it takes to get to the top. Yeah. So, I'm from Sacramento. My mom is from the Midwest, but she thinks she's this LA legend. She's always saying, I sound nothing like a Midwester.

Okay. If you sound nothing like a Midwester, then I don't have the hair of a 14-year-old Jewish boy. Thank you. That sucked. But, all right.

There you go. A minute from Amy Freeze. Got a joke in there at the end. Started a bit slow. Took you 20 seconds to acknowledge that you've been on the show before you kissed a boy on the show. In our famous old segment called

First Kiss, or Kiss Me, which is done. It's officially a part of Kill Tony, which is over forever, which if someone hadn't kissed someone yet, we're in. We have two people zoom each other. Yeah.

They're gonna zoom me on the internet. Okay. Amy Freeze. So, welcome to the show. Thank you. It's been eight months since you were on the show. After that kiss, I remember very clearly, I actually remember this,

that I pulled your name out of the bucket and you were not in the room. It wasn't. And I crushed it so hard. Yeah. How long have you been in stand-up comedy? For a year. How long have you been married to Tim Burton?

You think she looks like Helena Bonham Carter? The hairstyle for sure. That was a great joke, Robert. Amy, you did that all that entire year in Los Angeles? Yes, sir. I've lived here for about five years.

What made you start stand-up a year ago? I've always loved to perform. What type of performing have you done in the past? How many one-woman plays have you been in? You had the beats of a lady who does one-woman plays. You're like, eight months ago,

was the first time I kissed a boy. What type of performing have you done in the past? I didn't crush that. I've done dancing and I've been in plays, acting. Not that kind of dancing. What type of dancing have you done? My favorite is dance hall.

It's a Jamaican type of dance. Really? Hip-hop, jazz, ballet. With that type of beat right there? Yeah, that sounds... This is the music from the waiting room in Hell for those of you wondering. Okay, everybody stop.

This is the part where you realize I suck so hard that now I have to dance to provide entertainment. Well, you did suck really badly. But I'm not going to make you dance. Sacramento and the Midwest, what part of the Midwest is your mother from?

My mom's from Ohio. She's from Cincinnati, but she thinks she's such an LA legend. She thinks she's such a fashionista girl, even though she sounds like like... Don't you know? She's pretty Ohio.

She sounds like that. She says girls, get outside the Ubers here. That's not an Ohio thing. Yeah it is! That's a mom from Bobby's world. What are you doing? Oh, Bobby's world reference.

Yeah, I do watch that. It's very bizarre that you've seen Bobby's world and not rockin'. Bobby's world is how we made it. Okay. Where are your mother's parents from? One of them from Minnesota or Canada or something like that?

No, my grandma's from Ohio. Maybe my mom just makes up her own language. She's always claiming that she doesn't say things that she actually says. What does she do for a living? She's an interior designer. She used to be in fashion and now she does interior design. How about you? What do you do for work?

I'm a server. I used to be at the proper and I'm currently unemployed. So if anyone wants to hire me for serving drinks and food, I'm done. For getting up horses? In West Hollywood. I just moved out here to West Hollywood.

Okay, guys. I think eight of those is probably good enough to get the thing across that she made that one noise that one time. Probably good. That was good. So Amy, tell us something else interesting about you. For one thing interesting about you, I should say.

I'm also a yoga teacher. So I love yoga. You do. I do it every day. All right. I like that. You definitely stretched out one joke into a minute. That's for sure. I have such good material, man. Do you do something?

I was trying to make a dramatic entrance. Do some. Do one. I was trying to come up and be like, you know... Amy, shut the fuck up for a second. Jesus Christ. Now you explode into a passionate performer. I am so passionate. Okay. Stop. Stop. Stop.

All right. This is getting annoying real quick. Oh, as a yoga instructor, what's the most annoying thing that regularly happens? Oh shit. People farting. No, I'm just kidding. That's not it. They just try to be really competitive about it and they're like forcing themselves into these injuries.

Like people are trying to do like back bends and then they can't get out of it. And I'm like... What's your favorite joke that you've written in a year that you've done stand up? Do that one joke for us. Do your favorite joke for us. How many of you want to see your favorite joke?

Huh? Okay. Here we go. Here comes one. Okay. Here's another one. Favorite joke. Okay. Okay. Great. So I got my phone stolen recently but by that I mean I lost it and so I had to listen to the radio. And my favorite part of the radio

is the Art LeBeau Love Connection. Art LeBeau Love Connection. 1047. You know, people are always calling in like... Hi. This is Pamela from V&I's and I have a message for my lover Carl

in Pasadena. I want to wrap my arms around you so tight right now, honeypoo bear schnookums. And when I do I promise I will never let you go and I want to dedicate this song to you. Grind With Me by Pretty Ricky.

That really... Red Band. Red Band. That's enough. Red Band. I couldn't think of something fast enough so I just... I don't know what you did this time. That was so bad. What was the joke there?

There's a lot of setup there. You are like a professional joke setup writer. You need setups. You don't need any of that. You don't need that your phone was stolen. You don't need the Art Lobo. You don't need the number of the radio station.

You don't need... You don't need any of it. You just have to say I love those things where I love those love stations. They're always like... And then go into that thing and then add a bunch of funny stuff to it. And then Art Lobo comes on and he reads like...

Art Lobo's dead, isn't he? He used to own this building. Do you know that? Do you know he used to own the Mitzi Shore... Not... Fuckin' Sammy Shore bought this club from Art Lobo. That's how old the person that you're

talking about is. Is that all of stand-up comedy has literally happened in between the time that the person that you're referencing now here in September... Shut the fuck... God! Why don't you join the band? She's so good at just talking while someone else is talking.

Step in for Jetski tonight. Chris, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm sorry to offend the band. I can tell you guys are furious now. Why Art Lobo? Why is that? Is that a real thing? Is he still doing it? Are you sure that's not a sound born? Are you sure that's not a sound born?

For not knowing that he's still around, he's still banging out like episodes. He's fucking 95 years old. 95 years old. Perhaps there's someone older that you can joke about. Perhaps there's an age reference somewhere. That's why I was saying that I lost the phone,

because who listens to the radio anymore? But sometimes I listen just for... Latinos listen to the radio? Where are my Latino people at? There's digits back there representing... He's listening to the radio right now. He literally has a little boombox up. Hell yeah. He just called in a request to Art Lobo.

Hey, yo, Cynthia, it's me, digits. I just want to let you know I really fucked up. I left a pair of high socks at your place. I want to pick this up. I stole your phone. Okay, Amy. Well, it was fun to have you on. I think this is going to be good for you.

This just went about as bad on every level as it possibly can. And this is what people need sometimes. They need a little jolt. You know, you're going to wake up tomorrow and you're going to be like, fuck, I need to do something. I need to do anything.

I need to write something immediately. I need to figure out something. And it's going to be good for you. This is good. Trust me. Some people come on this show and their first minute is unbelievable. And then their interview is great. And then they come back and then their stock's going down. You're going the opposite path.

It can only get better. So come back again. There she goes. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Baloney Pete's taking a lunch break over here. Let's see William in his new shorts. Let's do that. Let's jump right into the camera in shorts. Here he comes.

Here he is. Oh. Oh my goodness. General Bogus, get on that camera. Here he is. For those of you that are into abusive stepfathers, this is the one. He's yelling.

He's very angry. All right. Face that camera. Show us your body. That's the camera, William. Look right down the barrel of that camera. William. I swear to God, William has no idea

how cameras work. He's like always surprised when I pointed the same camera every week. Oh, look at that. Hard as a rock. For those of you watching, we're slowing down the video of him getting hit full speed by Baloney Pete

with a sledgehammer. My goodness. He's incredible. He's barely moving at all. The flesh is barely moving. All right. William, what do you think about those new shorts? I love them.

All right. He loves them. Really good. 38 regular. It's getting tight again. Someone's been drinking. For a guy that sweats a lot, he's retaining a lot of water.

On. It's the great Jay-Z once said on to the next one. My wife packed me a pizza sandwich. She never done that before. What'd she do? She packed me a pizza sandwich. She never done that before.

Oh, wow. Look at that. I loved watching Jeremiah wait for you to notice his sandwich. He just kept having to eat it. He lives for moments like these. One person tweets, I love the pizza sandwich part. He just fucking.

He got the new pizza sandwich t-shirt at Jeremiah's. Instead of TV. Oh, yeah. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Elias Zouac, everybody. Here comes Elias.

You guys going to play music for Elias? What happens? Why do you insult the band? Oh, Jesus. Good one. Here is Elias Zouac. I'll just have red band play music for the comedians from now on. You know what? Let's take it from the top.

Just play something. Hey, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Elias Zouac. Oh, man, that feels good. Guys. Eight comatose people in this room. Here is Elias Zouac, everyone. All right. Hey. So I've been dating during quarantine.

This is the type of girl that I'm into. I like to go with a sense of humor. You know, but not too vulgar. So maybe like Amy Poehler opposite of Amy Schumer. That's about my type. Marilyn Monroe once said, you can make a woman laugh.

You can make her do anything. I make them laugh and they do do anything. But me. But my exes have all been reliable, though. Yeah. They're really able to just rely and rely and rely and rely and rely

and rely. My ex just got sponsored by Glad. They just named that product after her. The scented trash bag. Yeah. Maybe she should go on a blind date. I don't know.

I went on a blind date. She couldn't see I was the right one. Unfortunately. I have a Kobe joke too. Okay. Let's hear it. Go ahead, Elias. Okay. So, the reason why a lot of people are so shook about Kobe's death

with me included is because we know that the popular saying, this too shall pass won't occur. All right. There you go. There's a foul on the play. Elias Zoek. Oh, there they are.

There it is. I love it. Welcome to the show, Elias. This is your first time on Kill Tony. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Thank you so much. I'm so honored. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little under a year, but with COVID. So, it's been tough. Right. Okay.

And where are you from? Miami. Miami. How long have you been in LA? I've been in LA since June of last year. Were we going to stay there for a second? I said I went to UF too. So, I fuck with that. Oh, you're also a gator. Wow. It's a big night for us. This is incredible.

My goodness. What did you study there? Telecommunications. Me too. Wow. What year did you guys graduate? Yeah, I might have fucked you. You guys might be twins. You have a good look to you. You look like a young Bruno Tards. It's like Bruno Mars, but retarded. Bruno Tards. You like Bruno Mars

if he landed on the grenade he was singing about. Hey. I like that. What was the question? What year did I graduate? 2017. Oh, okay. 2017. What's the most Florida thing you've done? Yeah, good question.

You know, it's funny, like everyone knows there's a Florida man, right? But in Florida, we don't know there's a Florida man. For us, it's just, you know, you'll watch the news and you'll say a man in Davies has been eating another man's face because of the recreational drug bath salts. You guys have Morgan Freeman as a newscaster there? I mean, it's incredible.

What do you do for work now that you study telecommunications? I'm unemployed. I lost my job. I'm looking for... What job did you lose? I was a marketing coordinator. But also, I'm an independent producer because it's... Well, we're all independent producers, technically.

What were you producing? Like short videos and films. Oh, yeah, yeah, I do that too. Yeah. What did you like to do for fun? I like to play basketball before COVID. Uh-huh. I would go heat. We're in the finals.

I was going to come with my Miami Heat LeBron James Jersey. I thought that would be kind of funny because he plays for... You know, it's like I'm both sides. Dude, it would have made the set. Thanks, dude. Yeah. I thought there was a telephone cord around his neck. So you talked about...

Yeah, that is a little interesting. You got a little... Got a little fucking... What does that look like? Are those your praying beads? Mindful beads. What do you need to remember? Just to be here in the present moment because it's a very valuable thing to be.

There's the only thing that we have. Oh, so you have trauma. Wow. So let's talk about it. You're a good looking guy. You're from Florida, right? You seem like you're a nice guy. You talked about dating in your set. Is that true? Did some girl break your heart

and you liked? Is that sort of a true thing? It's just like I'm just always like the friend, you know? So it's like... Why do you think that is? Well, recently some girl told me that I was too feminine. Which was... It might be the friendship beads or... Yeah, it might be the beads that you're wearing.

Do you always wear those beads like that? No, I don't. Yeah, you shouldn't. You know how vampires, you wore them off with garlic? That's like you wore chicks off with those things. Next time you see a girl and you're wearing those beads and you're talking about mindfulness, just take them off and shove them up her.

All right, so let's see where it goes wrong here. Let's say that we're at a bar and I'm a hot chick, okay? And you want to fuck me, all right? And we're hanging out, listening to music, right? John Mayer's there. He's playing live. All right, here we go. You ready? Be present. I'm a hot chick. You ready?

Here we go. Hey, what's up? What's your name? Easy. What's your name? Easy. It's my initials. Okay, stop, stop, stop. Hold on a second here. That's the first problem. No, stop, stop. Complete shutdown here. Hold on a second.

What the fuck? I was literally being a dumb hot chick, right? Hey, what's your name? Easy. What's your name? You verbally raped me, right? From the get. Can we maybe try it again because we actually have a hot chick here?

Use Kim and see if his game will improve. Maybe he's nervous that it's a guy. Okay, I'll let Kim play the role. Absolutely. Here we go. All right, here we go. Remember, you want to hook up with her. So do what you can to hook up with her.

Don't do what you did with me. All right, ready? Oh my god, what's up? What's your name? You have to talk into the microphone. You faggot. Elias, what's your name? Oh, I'm Kim. Nice to meet you. Is this short for Kimberly? It is, yeah. It's short for Susan.

Oh, yeah, that's nice. So, um, you like this band? Is that what you're here? Oh, this band? No, I didn't come to listen to John Mayer. Elias, what brain injury have you suffered in your life? Florida, man. It's John Mayer. It's not a band.

You don't know who John Mayer is? You don't know Bruno Mars's? Elias, put your helmet back on when you're talking to women. Okay, I'm going to let you guys continue. You do almost everything wrong. Hey, wait, can we try it again? But with red band this time as the girl?

I mean, I mean, first of all, can we just acknowledge that she said that she said Kim and you said, is that short for Kimberly? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? This isn't supposed to be the comedy part. We want to see you actually

try to get laid. Now, now look what you're stuck with. You're stuck with the fucking the third hottest chick on stage. Sup, bro? What's going on? Come on, try to fuck red band! Hey, dude.

Like your beads. Thanks, dude. I put them away. Should I come find them for you? Turn around. I bet they're in your back pocket. You're a girl, right? He's a girl. Have you ever acted before? Oh, pull them out slower.

They're all tangled. Do you mind if I smell them now? It's just shit all over them now. You're getting very high. That shit doesn't work on me, you idiot. Elias, you have failed with all three of us. You know what? Let's bring William up here. William, come on out here.

William, where's William Montgomery? Can we go William up here? Find William Montgomery for me. All right, let's give you one more round with me. Let's play it this time. Here's William. He's here. William, come out! The name change was good.

Here he comes. Here's William Montgomery. William, in this scene, you're going to be playing a hot chick that wants to fuck this guy. Ready? You're at a John Mayer concert. Flirt with him. Go. What's your name?

Elias. Elias, what's your son? I'm a Leo too. When were you born? August. I was born on August 12th as well. Beautiful. It's meant to be. How old are you?

26. Say what's meant to be. Us. In what way? Together. Forever? We can see about that. I figured it out.

That's exactly what I thought. Here's the problem. You fall in love with girls and you want a serious relationship. What you need to try to do, Elias, listen to me. I want you to repeat this after me. Ready? I am a pussy hound. Say it.

That sounds so much hotter. That was the first time I saw you as hot. See? You need to think this way, Elias. You're not going to find a relationship if you're out there matching Zodiac signs with people that look like William fucking Montgomery. We need to teach you how to go straight

for the vagina instead of the heart. That's what I'm saying. You need to hit first base before you sign a long-term deal with the Yankees. Do you have a tattoo? No. Over his belly button.

I was going to say, yeah. You have a piercing, though. You have a nipple piercing? Are you Cuban? Is this the Miami? I'm sorry, no sir. That's just the Miami. Half black? No.

What are you? Chinese? Culturally ambiguous. See, that's a bad answer, too. Tony, I think that's what I am. What is it? Culturally ambiguous. That's what I am. Do you not get laid a lot?

No. Because you should. You're not bad looking. You're a good looking guy. Your eyebrows are good. You're a nice looking guy. Your outfit's not bad. You could get laid. It's just something about what you're doing verbally, I think. It's true, 100%. I don't think at all. I know it for a fact.

I ran it through the whole gambit of testing here. That's why I did this. I don't always go, hey, what are you saying to girls? Because there had to be a serious problem and there clearly is. The person that you connected with the best was William Montgomery. I thought we had something.

Beautiful. Elias, come back again with another minute sometime. Elias Zoak, everybody. There he goes. That was fun. Physical. Physical. I'll tell you who doesn't want to get physical.

Elias Zoak. He wants to get fucking relationship. Can I see that rag? No, he's going to hit a girl. He needs to do something. He needs to spice up that fucking attitude. I wonder what that is.

I think he's probably just a mommy's boy. I see. I almost feel like it's the opposite. I almost feel like normally I would agree with that. But normally mama's boys know how to like communicate with women.

It seems like he was mostly raised by like a hard working father. Was your mom in your life the whole time, Elias? Raised by a single mother. Did you have a lot of brothers? Only child? Only child.

There it is. He got breastfed to like 12. Only child, single mother. She let you sleep in the bed with her until you were 15. That's a good fact. There you go. Thank you very much. That's psychology 101.

He is. He's adorable. He's a good snuggler, I bet. I bet he lasts five seconds in the bedroom. No? No. Do you have a big penis? No. He kind of gave it.

That's a big talent. See, even then you should have just said yes. It would have been hotter. Ask me if I got a big penis. Do you have a big penis? You wish. Even that was fast and confident. See, that's another theory of mine

is that little penis guys go straight for the relationship because they don't want to just have a one night stand. Get really good at eating pussy. What do you think about that? You think you're good at that? He's good on sexy stuff. He's got a little penis. I'm not buying it.

I'm not buying it. Something's off there. I'll tell you one guy that absolutely is great in the bedroom without a doubt. A guy that loves eating pussy. A guy that absolutely kills it. He's another regular on this show. One of my favorite comedians

in the game. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. David Lucas. Yeah. A lot of people always try to say like the south is the most racist place in the world,

but the most racist place in America would have to be YouTube comments. It's Uncle Tom's cabin in that motherfucker. I can call a nigga in YouTube comments without even having a profile picture. I'm like, how the fuck do you know I'm black?

He's like, it's the way you use run-on sentences. I'm like, all right, touche. Another racist thing that a lot of people don't think about. The most racist things that we learned in elementary school would have to be nursery rhymes.

Nursery rhymes are racist as shit. The most racist nursery rhyme we learned as kids was ba-ba black sheep. You guys know the lyrics? It goes like this. Ba-ba black sheep. Have you any wool? Yes, a three-bags fool.

One for my master. Like, hold on. What the fuck these white people got me reading in the second grade? David Lucas. My goodness. That's so interesting. Is that true? Is that really ba-ba black sheep? Yeah, that's the lyrics. Ba-ba black sheep.

Have you any wool? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three-bags fool. No way. One for my master. One for my name. One for the little boy who lives up the lane. Oh my God. This is crazy. Yo, get on, Kato.

Are there any other racist nursery rhymes? Are you looking into this? Probably all of them. Yeah, it's not really racist, but it makes for a good race. We found out recently that the Ice Cream Man song is... Yeah, they actually changed it and somebody made a new song. Yeah, I saw that.

If anybody wants some ice cream come right up to this truck. We are not racist at all. We just have ice cream in a truck. So ba-ba black sheep. My goodness. Are there other racist ones? What about Jack and Jill?

I think that's about... Ain't that shit about like rape or something? Some crazy shit I heard about the Jack and Jill little about. Yeah. That's a song about niggers. I think so. What depends how you sing it?

There's a couple different ways. That one. It's pronounced Tigers. Yeah, that's what they changed it to in the 80s. It used to be pick a nigger by his toe in the 50s and 60s. Wow. Seems like a weird place to have a person. The word pick, the word pick, the word pick niggas racist.

That's why Jordan's got so big. All right, I guess. My goodness. All right. Eenie, Meenie, Meinie and Mo were all in the same prison cell together in 1836. That's incredible. What? I'm just kidding.

Wow. So, David, that's fun. What else? YouTube comments being racist. It's true. Even I get called the n-word in YouTube comments. They be ready to drop the n-word. I'll be like, you know, I really fight. I really beat someone. You know, what's funny is that every time you're on,

YouTube gets demonetized because every time you're on, you say the n-word like five times and I've tried to fight it so many times and we have a human look at it the n-word five times in your YouTube. Oh, we need to start. Oh, yeah, I got to stop saying it.

Yeah. You just did it right then. I'll say niggas racist. How about we don't? Just change it to tiger. What? Just change it to tiger. What other words can't you use?

That's pretty much it. So you telling me y'all get demonetized? Every time. Will you please stop saying it? I also can't get naked anymore. Jesus, you're acting like a real... You know what? That one's going to get me in trouble at a later date. No, it won't.

He talked to his friend that way. Bro, I just... I was on an interview this past weekend when I was out of town and I said something and I was like, bro, y'all got to bleep that shit out because that shit is going to come back to kill me in like five to ten years because I was telling them how like

to use condoms and like I'll like secretly put plan B in a girl's smoothie in the morning and I was like, that shit is going to get me fucked up in a few years. I was like, bro, you got to edit that shit out for real. Well, you just said it again on it. Like, you're literally doing everything you shouldn't be doing.

It's really incredible. My brain out working well. I'm fucking jet lag. No, it's tight. It's good. What'd you do? You had some of the girls smoothie the other day? Got that plan B running through your veins. The moment they make male birth control, I'll take it. I bet.

I bet male birth control would sell like a mother. I can't believe they haven't invented that. I can't wait. Everybody's always like, well, why don't you just get a vasectomy and it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Who wants to get their balls cut up? Oh, wow.

You know how dogs act when you get a vasectomy over there? One of the vasectomy spokes. Dogs get all depressed when you do that shit to them, bro. Yeah, it's not to say it's a little bit different. That's castration. They actually remove the testicles all the way together. When you get a vasectomy,

it's a tube that's being tied. Yeah, and you could actually undo it. Do you still be able to ski though? Yeah. You can still ski. Yeah, you can come and cum comes out and nobody gets pregnant. It's weird. Just the only the actual

sperm part doesn't come out, which is like let's call it just one right now. It'll just be clear. It's just clear. It tastes different. It's not just It's more sour. Oh my god. Either I saw you bowl a day, bro.

So where'd you go to this week? Slide splitters, and then I did the concrete podcast out of town. Making Georgia? Well, after the show, I knew I had to be back for K.O. Tunner, so I was like, let me just fly to see my mama for a day. How's she doing? She's chilling, bro. What do you guys do? Anything fun?

Grill. Oh, yeah, I saw that. That looked really fucking good. Yeah, bro. Just like chilling in the woods, you know. Damn. My mama, she feeds deer, so like every day around a certain time, you can see like 10, 11 deer in her backyard. Wow.

That should be lit. I just like to go out there to have a piece of mind. You don't gotta hit no bus, no homeless person yelling. Yeah, right. Like a little recharge. I love that. Hell yeah. A lot of bugs and animals. Bro, I got bit by a spider on my ass, bro. That's shit.

On your ass? God damn right, bro. I had to get that shit. Think about how hard that struggle must have been for that spider. You sit on it with just its last anything. There's a toothless spider right now. I had to get that shit drained at the ER like two in the morning, bro.

Because I knew I wasn't going to be able to fly with no... You had to go to the ER? And get that shit drained, yeah. Oh, that's disgusting. Before I went to the airport. Was it a poisonous spider? It had to be, bro. That shit got big, though. Where was it at? Yeah. It still looks swollen from here. How much did they drain out? Did they tell you?

I don't know. They put a needle in that, bitch. Ask them to drain out more. I was just like, do what you gotta do. Oh my goodness. Did you see the spider at all? Nah, bro. But when I got to the hospital he told me it was a spider. Wow. Yeah. He's probably like...

It was like a black widow or some shit. My goodness. Yeah, I'm just glad he invited my dick. Yeah, that's true. It would be hard for it to get in there with the amazing sheath underwear that you're wearing. How you know I got them on? Are you wearing sheaths? Hell yeah, bro.

Present. Oh, those are the sheaths. Look at that. We love sheath underwear. You can go to sheathunderwear.com and use the promo code killtony. They just sent me a box last week. I love it. They are the absolute best. I love the incredible sponsors on this show.

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use promo code killtony at checkout and get rid of your old cigs or vape, save your own life, start to breathe better, start to live better. Lucy.co promo code killtony. And we're back with the great David Lucas. David, who's that on your shirt? Is that Dennis Rodman?

Dennis Rodman like a mother fucker. You see that? Counties are chain bruh. That is incredible. The only one in the world. That is incredible. That looks beautiful. Major General Bogus, can you zoom in on that? Look at that. In another year this bitch will be gold with diamonds and you feel me? Oh my goodness. F***, very cool. You have a friend that made that right?

Yeah, GBL Design. Shout out to my boy GBL Design. You know what I'm saying? He gave me this to show what he can do with the jury. So, it's great. How long can I take him to do that? Long time. Yeah. Cause you know, like when somebody doing something out of the kindness of their heart to get you it's like bruh, don't don't treat it like a mother fucker who paid you

thousands, get it to me when you get it to me. So he probably told me about this like two months ago. That's cool. And it just was in the mail today when I got back. That is so cool. You're so likable. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. It's true. He's an absolute killer. Kills on the road. We had a lot of fun together.

We were the last people. Seven sold out shows. Some of the last people to do, yeah, seven sold out shows in La Jolla. Me, him, and Saturday Night Live's Punky Johnson. Punky Johnson. How cool is that? Yeah. What? How unexpected. I guess. I feel like everybody knew

she was going to blow up at some point. It was crazy to happen. Great news. It's very, very exciting. I could hear Jeremiah screaming. No, he's very, very proud of her. I called Punky. I was very proud of her. I think we all are.

One thing about, one thing about punk, I'm so glad like, because like, punky getting SNL just shows you like in comedy, you don't got to act like nobody to get nowhere because it's like the girl who should not be an SNL, she's gay. Yeah.

Cusses talk about eating pussy on stage and has dreadlocks. It's on SN Motherfucking L. Yup. No, it's true. You can say whatever you want and get on SNL as long as you're a black lesbian. That's it. That's all you have to do. You have to cover. You have to, if you knock off

two to three diversity bingo bingo plays then, yeah, you can get on SNL. They don't want me. The two people laughing the hardest at this are the two people that understand what it takes to get on SNL

Michael Lair and Jeremiah Watkins. I wouldn't even know what to do when they asked me to show. Straight white males that could easily and probably should easily be on the show laughing it up at the black lesbian that got on the show. SNL stands for should or not left. And by the way, that is one of the

things with punky is that even though I'm making those jokes, she is so incredibly hilarious and charismatic on stage and off that it is just a perfect alignment that she's a black lesbian. She is completely qualified and in fact

way over qualified. In fact, much like their hiring of Shane Gillis a year ago for those incredible three days, I think that SNL is really showing a set of balls and if things go correctly and they do what's right and they do it like Bill

Belichick's running the show and utilize what they can to for the best of the show, punky should be the thing that kicks it off next week when they have their premiere and she should be featured throughout the show not hidden enough to pay dues like their old dog shit system that holds them back tremendously.

But thanks to SNL for being SNL because you helped the internet comedy scene grow tremendously by taking your golden time slot and sucking with it for two decades. Thank you so much. Shout out to SNL.

But punky is going to bring it back. That's why I love Tony Brown. I think it's a real heck. Yeah, can't fire me from asking about you most on the road. Black folks, your god damn mother black like what a dude was in Florida. Hey man. Your boy was on that movie dog. I say your boy

that move here goes there. Your boy was in that movie. So I was and I what yeah I was in a movie. I didn't promote it much on. I didn't promote it once on here. Actually, I was with Jay Farrow. Ten minutes to fame with Jay Farrow and Cat Williams. It was so much fun. Tony plays himself.

Yeah, I play a network executive but it's me. No shit. Yeah, it's it's really fun. It's actually a really good movie. Yeah, I was actually I don't want to say surprised but I was very impressed at how good the movie was for as much talent that they stocked in that movie is not a bad

movie. It's like you can watch the whole because I watched it because I like to support anybody who put a lot of comedians and some shit and I was like man, it's gonna be bad and then I was like oh god damn I'm really watching and paying attention to it. It was really, really good. Jay Farrow and Cat Williams. I mean of course

Cat Williams and Jay Farrow. They're both extremely talented. They carry the movie. It's incredible. I have a little baby sweet little cameo. Cat Williams is mad at me. He's so funny. He was so cool. The interesting thing about Cat Williams that I learned from working with him on that set was that

he is a he's a different person in the movie set than he is at a comedy club. He's a very, very, it's almost like UFC. In the octagon these people are fucking animals. They have one focus and that is destroying their opponent. But a lot of them are so nice and so cool. Like when Nate Diaz

is here, he's the fucking coolest, funniest most awesome guy in the world and you see him in the octagon. It's an entirely different beast and that's how Cat Williams is at comedy clubs compared to movie sets. He knows that he's a boss you know, 30 year comedy vet

not a movie set. He's like the nicest guy incredible. But I will tell you one more thing even though this interview is going long. A funny thing about how you said that black people love me. So I was on the golf course the other day and at one point on the turn I look at my

phone and for some reason I noticed that literally for some reason in the two hours that I didn't look at my phone there's like, I don't know just throw a number out there and say 500 new Instagram followers with 100 new comments

and they're all black people avatars right? And I'm literally like, oh fuck either this Kobe joke thing came back something I've said in the seven and a half years of making racial not racist but racial jokes on this show and

other places is going to fuck me up and then I realized that they aired one of the roast me things on all digital. Yeah, so it ended up being a good thing. I was tag me in it. Yeah, it was like you got to get David Lucas. I was very concerned

for a minute because I'm like, oh, this is not going to be good, but it would be great. Yeah, a bunch of new bunch of new of my black friends or as David would call them the n word you got to start bleeping these. Yeah, we're gonna have to start

are you serious? I can't say the n word. You really can't anymore. No, we haven't been able to say it for two years now. So yeah, welcome to our world, David. You know how hard it is for us to not say it. There he goes. The great David Lucas

everybody. Hey. What song is that? It's you're from Oh, Miss Domina. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Frank. You

here goes Frank. You Oh, we know this young man. He's been on this show before. Yeah. Here he is. Frank, you everybody. Hey, what's up? First off, I don't got to tell you guys I'm Mexican. You see the Yamaha, right?

Well, I've been doing my part to fight racism by sticking up for other cultures. A few months ago, I was at a party and there was a Nazi skinhead dude there and anytime the DJ played a song he liked he'd be like the Swiss.

I said, hey, please don't do that. I tried selling weed one time and I never made any money. My problem was I was selling weed to other Mexican kids so I got paid in memories and never a specific memory either. I got paid four dollars

and a full remember when we were little. I grew up watching a lot of sitcoms 90s sitcoms. I loved them but as a brown kid I couldn't relate a whole lot because there was one family and their last name was Tanner but there were also minority families on TV and

they were way more Tanner. Hell yeah, Frank you. Frank you. Now I remember Frank you because famously on this show we one time had a $1,000 giveaway thanks to our friends over at Ridge Wallet.

They hit me up earlier that day and they go Tony we want to do a giveaway give away a Ridge Wallet. We're going to put $1,000 in at the CEO of Ridge Wallets coming. You just got to pick whoever you want whoever you think would be right to get this

wallet. Famously you seemed like the kind of guy that would have a shitty wallet after you're set and I asked you what kind of wallet you had and you had a broken tiny manila envelope literally. The only thing that even qualifies as a wallet it's

such a shitty wallet that it barely had enough paper to qualify as a wallet and it was the shittiest possible wallet there's no it's impossible for anyone in the room to have had a shittier wallet than you which things like that on this show I like to think sometimes

seemed too good to be true it seems like wait a second what you think maybe he was planted by the Ridge Wallet guys. No way. Impossible. Why did you have that? He's the owner of Ridge Wallet he just got his money back. Yeah exactly why did you have that I can't remember you had an envelope for a wallet. I had lost my debit card a couple weeks

before but I would come every Monday to do kill Tony so I knew if I wanted to come I needed my ID and I would drop it if I didn't have a little. So here's my million dollar question you want a thousand dollars that day you seem like the kind of guy that I would consider fiscally responsible so my question is this

what did you end up spending that thousand bucks on? Be honest. I quit my job after that. What the fuck really? I thought it was going to last a lot longer than it did. Hold on a second.

You quit your job after a thousand dollars what was your job? I was like a suit I worked in logistics so I would weigh 18 wheeled trucks but I also supervised the work it was a great job benefits and it was amazing. Someone who thought

a thousand dollars would last was in charge of weighing things. How long did you think it was going to last because that could only have lasted a couple weeks maybe? I bet you stretched it out to three weeks right? Yeah because I thought

the offers were going to come pouring in I didn't know what was going to come next but I was ready to take the lead. Frank you it's me I'm the head executive over at NBC Universal are you the young man that won the Ridge Wallet the other day? Featuring the winner of the Ridge Wallet

on Kiltoning. Hello Frank it's me Ted Seranos from Netflix we want to sign you to a multi-picture deal you're the Ridge Wallet guy right? That's what I envisioned. Yeah that kind of sucks.

Did you call your boss did you go in and tell them did you put in a two week notice like what went down? Well I had been planning to quit the job for a while now so that was kind of like the tipping point and as stupid as it sounded it was actually great timing because it was right before COVID so

it wasn't though this was like the end of last year wasn't it? No it was like November December. He really made that thousand last he's like it got me through COVID. You quit right before COVID? Yeah right before COVID but it was a mutual party and I had a good standing

there so they technically fired me so I can collect unemployment and then COVID hit and the unemployment just came shallow. Oh yeah just came flying through no doubt about it. It's like two Ridge Wallets. Oh yeah exactly how did you spend the COVID money?

I still have a lot of it I think it's made me pretty frugal. Is there anyone you want to thank for that COVID money that you got? Yeah Ridge Wallet. The COVID money. Yeah there's one man to thank. Yourself Frank it's your money they take taxes and then they give it back

to you when you get an employment. Okay thank you Joel. You guys are just unbelievable so let's try this fucking perfect setup launching pad of a joke again. Is there anyone you want to thank for for giving you the

COVID money? He's a very handsome man but I'm not going to do it. Who? President Commander-in-Chief God Trump. I've been watching you for the last couple of weeks.

See he's a big fan of yours. That's weird because I got unemployment under Obama I wonder if it was just Trump's new idea or you got unemployment. Did Trump have unemployment? Am I learning something new? But it's okay because you're paying

tax. That's absolutely true. When you're super duper rich you don't have to pay taxes. It doesn't exist folks. You guys know how much money Jeff Bezos pays in taxes? You fucking left the faggots. Yeah that's that's crazier. Yeah it's much crazier.

Trump doesn't give me two-day shipping though so I did like the breakdown of the taxes thing they were they were they said like how much he gets just for his hair it's something like something like $75,000 easily for his hair. No doubt when you have to have someone do it and you have all those television

appearances that shit adds up if you have a fucking actual like hairstyle like he does you know there's a flow chart for that there's an actual chart that people get that have to do his hair. I once on another set talked with a woman that worked over

at Saturday Night Live and there's a hair flow chart that is given to everybody that has to do his hair that shows you exactly how it's combed there's like a six-step thing it's pretty incredible sounds like a real nice dude

yes that has anything to do with how nice he is Joel boy are we reaching today deeply sounds like a real nice guy because of the flow chart on his hair. Hey dude you want to talk about reaching deeply dude I got a two by four between my legs dude. Okay

and by the way the difference between the Obama and Trump thing is that one's unemployment and the other was a COVID relief that was his idea and he tried to do more but your fucking Democratic Congress were pushing through. Oh we were talking about unemployment. No we weren't we were talking about the Trump money the COVID money. Oh sorry there's a jackhammer

going off right next to me. So Frank what else have you been up to during this during this pandemic? Just you know trying to write and get better I took some of that money

that Trump gave us and I'm trying to start reselling shit which is probably predictable like you know like converters. What have you been reselling? You know like sneakers and shit like that. Oh shit where's digits?

Digits are you still here? No. No that's a shame. Digits is a sneaker you snuck into this country. Have you sold the sneakers? No like all the shit that I've ordered I actually haven't received it yet because they do like four to six weeks. Wait so you're buying

stuff so that you can resell it? Yeah my money is tied up in you're a bad business man. And investments right now. Oh my god. A couple Xboxes if anyone wants to buy any. Okay all right welcome to welcome to

resell Tony everybody. Facebook Market please. All right Frank well fun times you still have your ridge wallet right? It has a lifetime guarantee. Yeah I still carry both of them. Wow. Both of them? What does that mean? You still have the Manila envelope?

Whoa. Why do you still have that? Where the fuck is your ridge wallet? It's just got magic powers from what I know and I've seen so I just hang on to it. It doesn't Frank your life isn't going as well as you think it is. Wait so you don't have the ridge wallet you know I have that too but where is

your ridge wallet one of the official sponsors of Kiltony Kiltony not sponsored by plain torn Manila on there we go there it is there's a ridge wallet to prove it as a lifetime guarantee still has it thank you Frank yes all right there goes Frank everybody thank you

there goes Frank Jesus Christ man what the fuck should I just had William come back up here and talk about Ridge wallet you know you know William actually is being credited for selling quite a few Ridge wall it's after that episode

well good that's the rumor that I've been hearing is that we we got a big uptick and Ridge wallet sales okay let's keep it moving here ladies and gentlemen your next comedian goes by the name of Katie Hausman here we go Katie

Hausman Katie Hausman Katie Hausman so I have two older brothers my oldest brother went to UC Berkeley and he's now a doctor delivering babies and shit

cool guy my other brother went to Harvard University and he's now a published author so for my part I also went to Harvard of the Midwest the University of Kansas Rockchalk and I actually just finished

my final hours of community service for my first DUI thank you usually get a lot more applause but it's you know there's a first time for anything and I'll try anything once so but it was an alleged DUI I can't

be certain it really happened because I was black fuck out I could be being framed but time will tell anyway I was in the Starbucks drive through the other day and I roll up to the window and the barista was like great news the person in front of you decided to pay for your order

and I was like aww fuck I would have ordered way more if I know that was gonna happen fuck yeah Katie Hausman everybody hi Katie do you live in Kansas City? I do how long have you lived there your whole life?

no I moved there in 2017 after I graduated from KU where did you live before that? I grew up in Calabasas California Calabasas California so your parents have a lot of money no we lived on the fringes we were there when I was born in 95

so like we were there before the Kardashians so Burbank no no no I used to live in Calabasas in the apartments in Calabasas right next to Gelsons and Whippenhouse we lived like two minutes from each other yeah we were Calabasas

that's right it's mentally retarded today yeah you could have said something else yeah I could have but I didn't you picked a place 40 minutes from Calabasas yeah I thought it was funny to say that that was on the fringes get it?

no we don't we don't get it there's no getting it I've never seen Rocky either dude by the way when you're playing for not the people in the room and not and not your peers but for the people

on YouTube you're doing something wrong hell yeah dude there's no people in this room okay so Katie what do you do for work? I'm a writer I write lots of different things I actually just wrote an article about your show

last week because I came what's it for? women's health what? yeah it's a women's health article women's health what? it's a women's health article go ahead tell us what you write for Katie

I write for a lot of different things but this is an entertainment site so Kill Tony was perfect for it what's the site? did the article come out? yes it did I interviewed Camden Pace because I met him here last week

and he gave me a little interview about what it's like to be on the show oh cool my goodness you should have written it this week now that you've been on it I will probably just keep writing about Kill Tony that's great we would appreciate that that could make up for the years and years of journalists avoiding this show

because we say the N word and I say the F word that's what I come for politically we lean straight down the middle I also wrote an article about the great comic exodus of LA if you happen to read that

and you don't like the part I wrote about you I will take it out I can already tell I'm not going to like it what did you write about me? I'm still here so this is very interesting to find out that I'm in the comedy exodus article go ahead you had a very small part and I needed to meet my word count

Ryan Redban posted on reddit that you guys would be moving to Austin and I took a screenshot and I was like oh sweet that's the kind of journalism I do wow incredible and thank you to Redban for letting the public know my uh

I think we already talked about it before too I don't think we gave an official statement to reddit you wrote a reddit article somebody asked me what's going to happen to kill Tony if you move to Austin I said I think Tony's moving also girl you are good at your job

it's incredible I'm finding out that I'm moving to Austin right now live it's an incredible news article hey I can delete it trust me I didn't even know that you wrote it that's true no one really does

I don't think it needs to be deleted what's your love life like are you in love with someone in Kansas? I am very bad at getting people to stick stick around me I'm kind of codependent oh my goodness I met a guy like this earlier tonight

oh yeah I met him too oh wow damn Elias can't even get with a girl that can't get anybody now go ahead where do you think it goes wrong with you? honestly I think I'm codependent and I get really attached

to people right away he does that too you guys can attach to each other your hair could be like velcro my guess is that he might be a few two shades too dark for your parents am I correct for your Harvard

grad brothers Katie why are you bringing this goddamn Cuban into the house hey I got the DUI so they're already far past disappointed with me that guy's way too racially ambiguous to be in our so let's talk about this DUI

what happened you had a couple white claws and you got on your tricycle you're on a bird scooter oh I can drink like William Montgomery I'm telling you I worked at a bar, I was a bartender and we could drink as much as we wanted and I got shit faced

because I was feeling very unhappy that day and I decided to drive home and some people ask me why would you do that you're an idiot I was drunk as fuck that's why I don't know what people do they be idiots so did the cop just see you swerving

or did you hit something well it's not a lie when I said I was blacked out I think I fell asleep at the wheel I did hit somebody you hit a human being I did not hit a human being I hit a person in a car they turned out to be fine they did get a huge

insurance payout so I feel like they're doing just fine how huge like probably over a hundred K wow look at that they claimed like a scratch on their eye or something and I guess my insurance company was like we're giving them everything we got

and I was like okay good insurance look at that shout out triple A and who do we thank for that president that's pretty exciting who do we thank

president the one you want me to say there's a guy who do you want to thank there you go Ronald Reagan I'm not the best with politics

wait a second is that your Ronald Reagan impression oh yeah what kind of stuff do we have here president did we finally find red bands third impression here wow oh my god did you know about this I know about like the second episode of

Jeremiah wonders and since then I'm asking for it every single you got to hear his Johnny Carson wait is it exactly the same Johnny what kind of stuff do we have here what? it was a setup I was impressed

thanks for ruining it I can't ruin it Joel because I am the host of the show so I can't ruin things you can ruin things other people I can't it's impossible and who do we have to thank for that exactly thank you mom

it's my mom reminding Joel just to play the drums bitch well that was a good one thank you pat my stepfather alright let's hear this Johnny Carson hey wait what do I usually say now I'm all confused

hey Johnny who do we have on the show tonight well we no that's Ronald Reagan now I can't get him alright let's do an impression of Ronald Reagan on Johnny Carson do one where Johnny Carson is interviewing

Ronald Reagan come on you got this don't even think about it just do it now tell me Ronald yeah I can't do it this is Johnny what kind of show do we have tonight we have a good one Ed I can't do it right now

I am so confused with Ronald Reagan's voice it's not easy to do either one of those impressions from the early 80s but you're very good at them can you do any impressions Katie Houseman I can do a few yeah go ahead let's hear one

shoot now I'm going blank but I know I can do some how about a Ronald Reagan do you have a Ronald Reagan how about an Ed McMahon Nancy do you have a little like more recent no it's okay you don't know any of that impressions

that you can do do a Amy Schumer Andy Schumer famous Andy Schumer everybody here she goes doing Andy Schumer you can basically do anything because Andy Schumer is not a famous person hi I'm Amy Schumer's dad I'm really proud of her

good impression there's no way he's proud of her alright Katie any other fun facts about you that we should know about you have any special skills or talents I'm pretty good at push-ups really yeah you do push-ups every day I try to how many push-ups can you do

oh right like on the spot I don't know maybe like 20 wow Joel does jiu-jitsu Joel why don't you get along who do we have to thank for those push-ups Jesus Joel you're welcome yes yes let's fucking do that go over there next door

and do fucking push-ups Joel there he there he goes go on Joel no go do push-ups next door alright here's some here's someone there you go yeah do them

do them at the same time you guys are god this is the dumbest show of all time this is literally the dumbest show you guys are doing them at different paces different speeds there's no common sense being applied

to this push-up competition whatsoever I was just trying to keep up with Joel Joel what did you have before this show like Red Bulls or something Adderall, William gave me Adderall no no no no see the truth is always funny or what did you really have before this show honestly pizza from Vito's pizza

what did you drink water yeah Tony Tony ask me what I have before this show no I'm gonna stick with this Joel thing for just a second longer I can't ask me what I have before this show then I'll set you up just the way you want it Bologna Pete Joel what else did you have before the show

I always like to try to figure this out with you because some episodes you're just a perfect little angel and then some you're out of fucking control so what what else happened oh just fun okay thank you Joel for at least when the pressure's on contributing the most

you're welcome what did you drink before the show fun before the show I had a vodka soda one yeah and then during the show I had two shots of vodka there you go okay there we go he's drinking vodka a little a little Russian

all liquored up a little Russian meddling into kill Tony this evening hey thanks okay Joel no you go ahead okay Bologna Pete what did you have before the show explosive diarrhea hey there you go

there you go all right Katie put that in your fucking article huh yeah when you write about that when you write about the tensions a brewing here on kill Tony because we have a a young did okay

go ahead did you actually have somebody pay for your Starbucks is that a real story like I actually had that happen to me once also and I same exact thing I was thinking about getting like something expensive and then I ended up getting a nice coffee and I was really pissed off it actually made me more pissed off that I didn't order

should I I actually the end of that joke is me talking about how I hate paying it forward because I didn't want to look like a bitch to the barista and I just ordered a tall black coffee and they paid for that and then I ended up paying 13 bucks for the people behind me so I was like this sucks Katie so much fun

come back again sometime how much longer you in LA for I'm only here till Thursday but anytime I'm in LA I'll definitely be coming here so there she goes Katie Houseman everybody thank you Katie back to thanks for writing the article thank you we this city on

oh we this city on rock and roll there you go one name left in the bucket let's knock it out oh what a special treat ladies and gentlemen

this guy stepped in during the pandemic and it turned out to be what I'm pretty sure was the MVP contributor contributor running storylines I mean absolutely took over he was on the show before live in person

and then during the global pandemic while sending in videos he absolutely was boss level and now he's back live I couldn't be more excited for the return of kill Tony icon Manolo everybody here he is

there he comes Manolo step back from my friend Manolo everybody hello white folks always mess up my name they do like

today I wrote down on the sign up sheet I clearly wrote down the Manolo but somehow Tony still keeps calling me the beiner I'm gonna start pretending I'm gonna start tricking girls into

thinking I'm gay that way when they least expected boom I'll fuck their boyfriends for sure I remember the first pair of titties I sucked man I was just a kid

I was so nervous I mean I didn't even really want to but my uncle was so persuasive persuasive I used to date a girl who was a twin so one day I came

to her house drunk and fucked her dad my sister in the house took and I asked twins so one day I came to her house drunk okay you can go ahead you went to your sister's house who has twins drunk and what'd you do

fuck the twins Manolo Manolo Manolo the fuck the dad thing was funny before the twins thing yeah you had like three jokes that ended in so I fucked them

that's basically your whole thing funny thing about Manolo is he's somehow ten times funnier on the internet than he is in real life this is incredible I'm still off on the delivery the language barrier you know or the talent barrier maybe right

so you drove from Tijuana here today yeah that's incredible and with a Mexican piece really? yeah two Mexican piece but what are Mexican pieces but oh wow hello Mexican piece are they really prostitutes

the weakness I think do they know what we're saying right now I think they kinda do hello ladies are either one of them the ones from the videos she actually made one video is that the but that's not the one that like oh okay there was

that angry one and then there was the really nice one and the Chinese looking girl yeah it seems like there's always one in all the videos and even here today that's on their phone like they're just like the one on the left on her phone they're making deals they're the only two that could cross

that's the thing the other ones can cross but they're a little bit pissed because where are we going are they even famous or something like that I showed them a picture of you you were on the Joe Rogan show and she saw you and she didn't recognize you but she said oh I know the other guy Joe Rogan

so now they think he's Joe Rogan hey what's up wow I think we found the fourth impression DMT hey what's up on it it's Joe

hey what's up slip sync so yeah just hanging out here with Joe Rogan so Joe what do you think about this episode that we're doing there you go alright Joe thank you

my goodness this place is out of control today it's just a perfect episode right down the barrel from beginning to end as good as it gets what? he's Joe Rogan if he represented a brand called Offit

that's right okay so Manolo so it's so cool so it's so interesting have you had any relations with these two beautiful Mexican women?

not yet but just touched around and stuff like that but touched around you think they would want to come up and talk to us with you? I don't know do you guys want to come up? yeah this is exciting alright business is about to pick up ladies and gentlemen

here in the last inning of Kill Tony here comes my friend Consuela oh my god look at you what a rare beauty what's your name? Lisa

so pretty what part of Mexico do you live in? Tijuana? the flood stones looks different here what? you're so pretty thank you real chichis my goodness

absolutely incredible you are stunning what do you like about America? everything is nice including the president of the United States it's very nice of you to say that that falls under everything really?

Manolo get the microphone and tell us about this Manolo is telling me that Mexicans love Trump stay there we love Trump that's it? Mexicans love Trump that covid money

exactly these assholes think it's unemployment no no no sir you got that Manolo is what we call a tío tomás what does that mean Joel? Uncle Tom tío tomás oh my god

you couldn't even bring more than two because of that shit alright back to you anyway let me shut up since I had some vodka I tried to have some fun this is like a 90 day fiancé interview did she come to Los Angeles a lot? do you come to America a lot? yes

I'm just leaving over there for a little bit oh ok you speak the language so well how did you learn English? since always oh always you just learned it they teach it in tijuana? no I went to school here oh you went to school here is this where you were born? I was born in T.A

yes how did you go to school here? how did you go to school here? how I went to school here? because I moved here when I was little oh very cool who was president when you moved here? well

it was probably me I don't remember oh my god oh my god this is my new favorite thing I like her jelly beans Ronald Reagan we're also reselling some when I was a kid

when I was a kid when I was a kid that was like the the cool guy to do the portion up damn too there's a real experience here we're also reselling stuff see she's pissed because she thinks it's a roguin right but we're also reselling things on craiglist

what are you guys reselling? the punani the punani and gramso cocaine as well no menolo come on stop being silly are you guys really reselling things? no well you know what we're selling

she's so pretty how old are you? 27 my goodness what do you do for a living? nothing you have beautiful hair thank you a red band

who's this red band guy? I meant roguin roguin wow do you have a boyfriend? boyfriend in tijuana? oh my goodness have you been looking for a boyfriend on your trip here to america?

no what do you like about being single? I love being single he has a tesla what? yeah I got tesla come to my new studio sometime yeah he's here

he's in town what type of boys do you like? white boys? or Mexican boys? I don't care boys with money what kind of personality? ethnic and vigorous

what kind of personality? a funny guy a nice guy, a serious guy you like tough guys with tattoos? I don't care muscular? I don't care but a good sense of humor?

how about their voice? does it have to be deep? no I don't care this is awesome that's fun when was the last time you were in a relationship? a year or two years? I was married for a long time

when did you get divorced? last year that's exciting was a white guy? how you know? I don't remember was he Mexican? no, he's white

white guy what's your love like? I like white guys as well you already did that four times in your set how's your luck been with the ladies lately? single you've been having fun

Manolo lives in LA but he also has a big house in Tijuana with hot tubs and everything for Mexico for Mexico you could afford in Mexico you're rich in here you quit for $1000

exactly the money translates differently Lisa what's up with your friend back there? she doesn't know English she doesn't? perfect tell her in Spanish to come on up she's Cuban

what is it? Cuban I said Cuban who the fuck is that? I know I can see that ok okie dokie I gotta see something

red band why do you do this? she knows she did laugh at that she knows exactly what that is she's saying no she knows English cause she's saying no what's her name?

no is also Spanish no is also Spanish oh wow that's so cute you guys know that song right? alright Manolo what else? anything else crazy happen? you drink anybody's bathwater or anything lately?

yesterday yeah we had some fun we drank not with them but I drank myself and woke up at 11 and did the 2 hour line then the 3 hour ride and they were waiting for me for like I don't know like 2-3 hours right? that's why they were pissed

wow I think they're happy now every hour you gotta show them around Lisa are you excited? you're at the number one comedy club in the world right now this is a really big deal no you handled it very well you did really good you handled it very well

you have a boatload of charisma you're very likable and sweet you answered every question absolutely you answered 8 times Manolo just keeps saying so I fucked him alright maybe with luck I could say that tomorrow

about the peeps this guy's gonna okay there he is go ahead Joel I just want to thank Manolo for making me the second most hated Mexican on this show today absolutely Manolo you are a legend

I'm so glad I get to look you face to face I tell you that during that quarantine man you really pulled a lot of weight I mean you were truly the most entertaining person sending in things every week extremely well produced videos hilarious storylines

and you kept us all you kept the morale up at a time in which Jesus the times were rough so thank you so much Manolo I'm so glad you made it up were the jokes really bad or I mean you did the same joke 4 different ways so I went to hang out with some girls house

and then I fucked a father and then my sister had twins so I fucked them and then there was this girl that I liked so I fucked him fucked her boyfriend that was your whole set it's not even a misdirect if you're doing the same formula again and again and again

it's like Andrew Dice Gay so I fucked him alright there goes Manolo everybody bye LaSette thank you woo from that ledge do you want to go half C's

no I wouldn't split a fucking subway sandwich with you Red Band what are you talking about get the bottom I'll get the top oh yeah perfect just your drool falling down fucking sound of fucking those boobs are the perfect

boobs oh you are a giant child alright everybody it is that time ladies and gentlemen this is a special one this guy an absolute fucking monster we save him for last everybody and this is

his 50th appearance on Kill Tony it's the dragon slayer himself the great Michael Lair everyone oh Tony I like

snow in an argument okay um what you said my son in a nightline is bullshit and I could say

which people like Eddie Bryant said to be strong and Vanessa and Chris are the great people and I rock one of them they're great comments like Michael Bryant

and they make good skits and fuck you in your 20 year general ladies and gentlemen yeah no you're absolutely right I know how talented all those people are cause I saw them at open Mike six years ago when they started so that's great you're right they're super talented

they really just got fast track cause they're so brilliant ouch I always believe a man that hits himself in the face of the microphone no I'm kidding I'm kidding I know those people they're they're talented

the writing is just brilliant on that show I mean I think to myself how do they come up with these skits my my yeah but they know comedy is a fickle mistrance

and I know a lot of these people as well people and fucking joke comedians so Tony I don't give you my boss I step to

you I step to you I'll find you you'll fight me you'll step to me by the way Michael Lair lost 100 bucks to me in a bet I didn't want to bet him he kept trying to bet me I go I'm not

betting you on this he kept betting me 100 bucks that my friend the last style bender Israel Adesanya would lose in this why would you ever try to do that and by the way first of all yes red band I've never agreed on anything and second of all

even though technically to the outside perspective it was a tough fight for Adesanya look what happened I mean it perhaps was the most one-sided main event in years one one I see a friend Joe Rogan

yeah he's right here he's sitting next to me what's up it's Joe Hoagie doesn't the peppers nothing sold sloppy Joe Rogan

wait Tony did I had this question I'm sick oh okay Michael wait what oh Joel here here we go here's a real question you want some money because when it happened I you predicted it almost exactly how it happened you told me

exactly what would go down and that's what went down I wanted to know that's exactly right I told Michael the same thing and he decided to bet me $100 did you uh did you get that money you know it's funny is I this is I told him this earlier Michael is such a gentleman that I got that Venmo while Israel Adesanya

was still break dancing he literally spun around his opponent it really is hilarious and he's still going I don't know if anybody has been following this on the internet but Israel Adesanya very very usually very

sportsman like but this guy wanted to wanted to become the champion and talked so much shit he made sketches did you see the sketch we had pumped him after he knocked him out yeah but but the but his opponent Paulo Costa actually made videos where he had in his training camp

there was a skinny tall black man and so they made this video where he's chasing around the tall skinny black man shaped like style bender and the guys running away and he runs out of the octagon so today bender style bender was reposting these sketches with like crying

emoticons and all this just hilarious and then there's this guy over here that wanted to bet me how yeah you know I give him the script before the UFC so what who's gonna win who's gonna live yeah and you know that if I wanted to at any point not to say that I did

but maybe I did I can text Joe Rogan any time I want like how some people would go if I was friends with Joe Rogan maybe I would text him well I've sort of I sort of text him so rarely that when I do when I think that at all like hey maybe I want to place a bet on this maybe I should

text Joe I just can and then I do and it's like getting insider information by a man that has been right next to the octagon since the beginning of the sport you won one fight 100% of the bets that we've had against each other I

won yeah that's another way of working at it but even Joe Rogan doesn't guess right on every fight how do you know that you don't hear his predictions he doesn't make predictions unless you're really close with him I listen and he does

no he says what might happen he always says he was wrong about Nagano and Steve made me okay what did he say he said Nagano would run to him like how this where did he say this

I didn't fucking fuck it there's no way he said that Steve is one of the greatest heavyweights of all time he didn't say Nagano would walk to him let's find that for me okay also I have a new bet Michael versus ALS who wins that Tony

well I think ALS is going to be break dancing after this one hey hey we never met we haven't I'm excited to meet you Kim you're very funny

great Michael Lair Kim Pong where are you from I'm from Florida you remind me of every year I went to junior high went into Queens she's got Queens energy

she's been in New York for a few years now I can see that no doubt no doubt well Michael what do you think should we do this this is Michael's 50th appearance on Kill Tony I have a picture

from my first appearance on this hearing okay picture from his first appearance on the show he's pulling it out there's the picture let's see it

here it comes whoa there he is that's what he looked like just 50 short weeks ago I thought it was rocky at first yeah what is that from how is that why do you have Robert the Builder's beard

on top of your head in that picture there he is okay I know who am I what the fuck was that picture why do you have that picture what the hell it looks like Lou Abeno

yeah okay Michael go ahead alright let me stand up right wait what you're gonna stand up no stand up okay this was

for my for my I thought you said let me stand up real quick didn't it am I the only one that heard that that'd be fun if he surprised you no he was fine this whole time no I'm kidding Michael alright I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can stand no don't stand you don't have to you and your fucking pocketbook pocketbook you and your pocketbook

me and my pocketbook yeah now you have all this cash man oh yeah that's right it's a liability it's a liability I fuck everyone we love you and

for my fiftieth parents here is what I did for all the fans and all these wonderful people and all these great times I wrote

50 facts about kill Tony and we're gonna 50 facts 50 fucking facts and we're gonna count off everyone are you guys with me

yeah I don't believe you are you with me are you socially destined to win me yeah alright here we go indeed I have been sent

a document that I have not looked at before hand and it says Michael Lair 50th appearance presents 50 kill Tony facts I have a feeling it's gonna feel like a hundred facts I have a feeling you have no fucking idea

what you're talking about that is true this is going to be unbelievable I'm positive of it here it is Michael Lair's 50th appearance presents 50 kill Tony facts kill Tony fact number one

the original name of the kill Tony podcast was Manic Mondays with Mr. Moody no Joel Berg was born white but turned Mexican after overexposure to frog town three Jetski has had six neck surgeries because

her glasses are so big and heavy four Jeremiah Watkins real name is Jerry Jew face William Montgomery hordes left over the crust from Vito's Pizza the Iron Patriot raped Michael Lair

David Lucas won't take photos with fans but will steal their sneakers Ali Makovsky doesn't have eyebrows those are caterpillars promo Chris fucked his way through all four branches of the armed forces Jeremiah Watkins marriage

is on the brink because of his hoarding of wigs and other women's apparel five percent of comics pulled from the bucket of destiny are also sex workers Ryan J. Ebelt is the Zodiac killer thirteen

both Tony and Brian are married to Westworld Robots fourteen due to an overactive gland by 2025 Jeremiah Watkins will be eight feet tall virtual red bands sucked Max Headroom's dick

William Montgomery's belly is extended because it's stuffed with cocaine filled condoms most of Tony and Brian's fights are over who gets Michael Lair's load alright wait a second in a partnership with the NAACP Tony is pledged to change the name of

roasting to broasting what? Jetski's trumpet is a civil war relic of the confederacy and a non-verbal not-to-white supremacy kill Tony is considering changing its name to fuck it three silent hours with Tony golfing

twenty one you have no idea during Corona Tony's been performing private concerts for friends and family of OJ Simpson Jeremiah Watkins marriage is on the brink due to his obsession with having a saxophone

of every size Tony Tony Tony Tony The comedy store keeps having to buy bigger chairs because of the alarming growth of West Hollywood butts

24 Red Band is known as the Podfather but he's also fathered enough Asian babies to form an Olympic ping pong team 25 Joel Berg lost his hair because of former kill Tony's sponsor Monster Energy Shampoo 26

the bucket of destiny was both stolen from and made by a child 27 there's only one rule at the comedy store don't talk shit about Robocop he lives above the place William Montgomery has a

six foot tall Jenga game made out of leftover Vito's pizza crust 29 the kill Tony Katana sword was stolen from the grave of a World War two POW 30

30 comes after 29 thanks to kill Tony legend Manolo kill Tony is the number one podcast among Mexican Narcos many bucket comics live in their cars several live in Aphrodite's Afro

32 Jeremiah Watkins marriage is on the brink because his wife just wants to get crunked and kiss the sky motherfucker virtual red band has warrants out for its arrest in four states

okay 34 135 is bad fuck you as irony would have it the cure for ALS was also in the bucket the night Michael Lair's name was pulled

35 Tony has settled two million dollars worth harassment lawsuits with 17 different kill Tony photographers what that's true William Montgomery was fired from the storage facility for filling storage units with leftover Vito's

for the first time Joel Berg operates the drum pedal with his anaconda of a cock 38 David Lucas and Michael Lair help push out each other's poos what seriously

be cool and act natural but Ryan J. E. Bilt really is the zodiac killer number 40 the secret puppet master behind the scenes of all podcasts is Gino from speed weed an evil tyrant controlling people

with drugs 41 kill Tony has only been allowed to continue during corona because the audio is so bad it doesn't count as entertainment red band 42 David Deerey is missing why are we not looking for him

that's true is that true yeah Tony here's 43 Tony has been saved from assassination three times thanks to the impenetrable ridge wallet that is absolutely true

the only way to have your name removed from the wall of the comedy store is a class B felony or higher okay alright that one hits close to home number 45 kill Tony kill Tony fun fact kill Tony's fan base is mostly mentally ill fathers

and whores with daddy issues oh boy wow way to way to really connect with the lovers of the show Michael despite appearances no actual homosexuals are part of the kill Tony ensemble that is a real that's a true fun fact chroma criss

was born a brunette but turned ginger due to agent orange ooh that was number 47 number 48 virtual red band is facing some alarming allegations from hello kitty she wanted it number 49 if the world talked to Michael

layer like the world talks to Brian red band Michael layer would shoot up all the schools number 50 for episode 500 of kill Tony gareth purse house returns to tell his side of the story it could happen it could happen

and Michael layer does it again and extremely well produced hilarious Michael it did you know what it felt like 49 to me it felt like 49 fun facts how about a big hand for Michael layer everybody unbelievable job Michael

and congratulations on your 50th appearance on kill Tony without a doubt you can quote me on this forever 50 of my favorite appearances by anyone in the shows history I absolutely love you and you know this because I tell you every day because we text and talk

yesterday so I've been doing this morning it's been drinking since this morning and something about ZD and popcorn I do believe he said Michael layer comedy dot com for all of his

amazing merch and videos follow him on social media let's check out tonight's drawing from Ryan J. e-belt everybody here it comes wow look at that oh I'm golfing that's incredible the great Kim Congdon is in it

oh that is awesome it is donkey Kong wow that is an incredible one the great Ryan J. e-belt he's not really the zodiac killer people he might be I'm starting to put together the puzzle in my head but uh Ryan J. e-belt dot com for all those incredible prints

how about a big hand for the great Kim Congdon everyone plug something oh yeah you guys can follow me on twitter at Kimberly Congdon instagram at Kim Congdon and check out my podcast broad topics anywhere you find podcasts iTunes google play sitra youtube spotify

and also on the gas digital network use promo code topics for a 14 day free trial absolutely doodly his new one hour special family reunion is available for pre-order now at Jeremiah Watkins dot com it comes out in December

everybody it's Jeremiah Watkins the host of Jeremiah Wonders what else Jeremiah I got some new shirts and sacks hats over Jeremiah Watkins dot com or you can get them through instagram at Jeremiah stand up appreciate the love for Jeremiah Wonders love you guys thank you

the great Jeremiah Watkins does it again and hey look Chroma Chris was here all night Chroma what do you think about tonight's episode oh we really raised the roof Tony what else yeah you can also you could scroll over to that youtube page and you'll probably see a new promo

video of me it was shot and directed by Rick Cossack amazing I fucking love it and here he is old vodka gravus back there everybody the old fucking jack off smirnoff back there

Joel Berg Joel Jimenez everyone can I talk now really picked his moments tonight go ahead Joel sometimes it's just fun to watch stuff burn you know mostly sorry pod I love you guys I love you too Tony I'll mouth kiss you after this I don't care about a Pandy

thank you Joel you know we can always rebuild it that's right absolutely fun times what else red man check out my virtual red band podcast see me molest hello kitty also check out the brothers podcast brothers and cursive with William

and David we also have a new patreon patreon dot com brothers and cursive and Brian Holtzman dead air death squad dot tv thanks beautiful stuff going on over there and I also have a new patreon the old uh the brand new roast

university we just uh marked a three month anniversary and the uh got their bumper stickers sent to them proud student of uh roast university and uh gotta give me one of those so I can put it on my car I do I have one right here right now here have one

there you go a roast throw this right on this roast university I uh I would put it on my car but my car is filled with uh trump 2020 bumper stickers so and key marks so that's it no I'm kidding

um but yeah go over to patreon dot com slash hinge cliff and find out more about that and uh yeah so we'll see you guys next week you