KILL TONY - #482 - BRIAN MOSES

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

Brian Moses, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jeremiah Watkins, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/23/2020SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $10 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything gold and pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliff. Yeah, yippee-doo-da-day. Here we are again. Nothing more exciting than this. Brian Red Band's here. Hey, what's up, buddy? We're live at the comedy store. What an exciting time. People still clapping, a very scattered clap here this evening. Fun to be here. We're going to get through it. Hey, look who else is here. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everybody.

Whoa, when that light hits him, he comes to life and there's the patented Texas guns straight to the camera. Whoa, two shots. Look at that. Ryan J. Ebelt draws every single episode of the show and all those prints are available. Ryan J. Ebelt.com, every tour poster, every episode of the show, all your favorite guests and limited edition Kill Tony t-shirt available there. And of course, also Kill Tony shirts available at that squad.tv and a bunch of other fun, fun, fun things over there and everywhere. And yeah, we just ate a bunch of delicious pizza from Vito's Pizza on Las Yenaga. My goodness, is that place just incredible. The great Charlie brings it every week and we just love that place. He brought David some nice pasta. Yeah, David Lucas, because he

oversteps boundaries habitually. It seems as though he's planted in Charlie's ear. Hey, pal, if you could bring me my own dish of pesto pasta and you might be thinking, Oh, David's trying to lose weight. What kind of protein does he have in that pasta? None. It's just pasta with a fucking pesto all over it. Literally the worst thing that a guy trying to avoid carbohydrates could possibly order. But you know, just a little bit butter and carbs. That's perfect. I'll just have straight up pasta. Let my body absorb that while I still have two feet connected to my body while I'm still not an amputee. So that's great. He's eating straight up pasta right now. He's scurried off into some corner. He was out here a second ago, but we'll see him in a little bit. And

hey, look, look who else is here. The great Gino, everybody from Speedweed, the great, great marijuana enterprise of the first. I mean, he was ahead of the curve on that, huh? Oh, yeah. One of the first delivery companies that I knew of and one of the biggest ones in Los Angeles today. Without a doubt. And of course, he helped us out. He has the great Betterbox Studios where they shoot a bunch of really cool stuff. And that's where we went when the comedy store closed down during the pandemic. We spent months there. It's almost wild to think about those times when the first few weeks after this happened, but he kept us cozy. He was a little incubator for us. And now we're back home. And I'm excited about this. But before we start tonight's episode,

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Boy oh boy! I mean it feels like there's just hundreds of people here. This reminds me of what we did as a routine without even thinking about every single week. It was just so normal and common to come out to a packed crazy audience and it feels the same. It really does. Yeah, sure. It's only getting better too. We'll be open any day now here. Any day now here in beautiful Southern California where, you know, the COVID chart looks like a fucking, it looks like that game on the price is right. The fucking mountain climber guy. Magnum roller coaster from Cedar Point. Yeah, it's kind of like that. No, it's great, except if it ended at the top. Anyway, but tonight's episode is a special one. This is a real comedy store Monday night, Tuesday night banger because

this guy on top of being one of my favorite comedians, one of my best pals, the guy that, I remember when I became a door guy here in Hollywood, I went down to the La Jolla comedy store, saw this guy working there and I remember meeting him. He was the first guy I think I ever told like, dude, we need to get you up to LA. He did. He became an employee. He became an unbelievable comedian and then he created the show Rose Battle, which went to extreme successes, jump-starting careers for comedians just like Keltoni does. And here he is right now. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great Brian Moses, everybody. Here he is. Incredible. Just incredible. Here he is. Look at this guy. It's Brian Moses, everybody. There he is. Brian's here. Hello. Welcome, Brian.

COVID handshakes. Hey, everybody. Hell yeah. The best kind of handshakes there are. That's how you know you really like somebody and trust somebody. Fuck yeah. I got it. You dirty bitch. What's happening, Moses? How are you? You know, just hanging out being Ben Carson's, you know, illegitimate stepchild. Hopefully dad dies. I can get that money. You know what I'm talking about? There's nobody in here. Moses and I had fun, had a fun weekend. We got to do a little hangout at one point. We did. Moses invited me to a little tiny get-together. It wasn't any, it wasn't a party. It wasn't anything big, but it was a little tiny get-together and he was on mushrooms and he forgot to tell me that the super cool get-together that he invited me to,

everybody else was on mushrooms too. Oh no. Did you find me? And they weren't even like, they were like the regular kind of fungus, like they taste like feet or pumpkin sunflower seeds. They were like the mushrooms that met, they're like molly. Yeah. Yeah, we were like, yeah, it was nice. We all, we all fucked that night. Oh yeah, I did. I mean, not me. Don't do stuff. Not me. I wasn't on it. So I just ended up jerking off in the corner watching everybody fuck. Yeah. Jeff Ross fucked me like he did when I first met him for Rosebap. Whoa. Yeah. You don't let his lawyers touch the deal memo. Anyway, let's have some fun. I'm, you've been on the show numerous times before. You remember, we have a band here.

There's a band on this goddamn show and every single week Moses, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. We never know what they're going to be. Sometimes it's a brand new character. I mean, my God, a few weeks ago, these guys were rappers and not like musician rappers. They were like, they were like running out of things sometimes to be. So one was wrapped in Saran wrap. The other was like a burger rapper. Jeremiah was just a blanket. Yeah. He was a rapper. Yeah. Blanket. I'm a blanket. Like they're so desperate times, desperate measures, but maybe this will be new. Maybe it'll be the return of famous characters. Let's all find out what they are together when I present to you the best band in the land. It's

the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez and Chroma Chris. No way. No way. Oh, yeah. Yes. Exactly what I was hoping for this week. A return to greatness. We've seen these characters not just here in Los Angeles, but all over the country. In fact, I think you guys even made it to Canada one time. Am I right about that in Australia? Hell, yeah. Wow. You were in Australia. Was that that was Brisbane? Yeah, we hung out with the Bogan folk there. I remember that very clearly. You guys are white trash Americans. This is the this is the show I get invited to. Yep. Yep. Very strategically placed. The rally show. Remind me of your name, lead white trash guy. Hi, what's up? I'm Dave Gunther and stop the count, y'all.

Stop the count. This election has been rigged. It's been taken away from us. Is this mic on? Here, Dave Gunther is saying that the election is rigged. Dave, say something. Just say normal time. There's a bunch of rigors out here. Oh my goodness. I see one at least. All right. He's right that my father was a rigor. The election is a really big deal right now. Everybody's talking about it. Of course on this show, I have a direct line with the president of the United States. Mr. Trump, what's happening right now with the election? I don't think they like me very much. Oh, really? My goodness. Why do you think they don't like you? We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down

the drain. I agree with you 100%, but it seems like more people voted for Joe Biden than you. What do you think we need? What do you think we need? Our country needs a truly great leader. I agree. I agree. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm fucking hard right now. How many more votes do you need to win? 1.3 trillion dollars. Oh, okay. Dollars. I didn't realize you were going to say dollars. It costs a lot for votes, I guess. I didn't realize you were going to say dollars at the end there. How many votes do you think you need to win? 9,240 million. Spoken like a true hero. Absolutely perfect. So we got Dave Gunther here and look at this lovely young lady pregnant as

hell. My goodness. What's your name? Oh, my name is Darlene Gunther. Oh, how are you two related? That's my cousin and my baby mama. Oh, my goodness. That's my god damn sister. You better watch your ass. Yeah, you better watch your ass because that's my cousin. Boy, boy. Now this one's his baby. Oh, shit. You got a little drummer boy in the oven. I hate it when my parents are arguing. Wait, these are your parents? Yeah, my name is Jesse Mollett. Okay, I remember that. My parents up here, Gunther. Wait a minute. Is that Jesse Smollett in whiteface? It's just Jesse Mollett. A very common mistake. No, it's Jesse Mollett because he's white trash and he has a mullet. And you are back here. What's your name? Oh, the name's Travis Plow, Tony. I'm

pissed. Travis Pi? I had a newborn. I shot him on Saturday. I don't want him growing up in a world without Trump. Well, I'm sure I'm sure goddamn Citronella hairs. I'm sure sleep abiding. I'm sure Trump completely agrees with you. We don't want a world Saturday. The Muslims won. It can happen. Thank you. 2024 2024. Thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. It's true. It's true. You can win, right, Mr. President? You can still fix this, right? It can happen. What do we have to do to get to that point, you think? We really do have to get going. Honestly, Tony, I don't know what I'm going to do. George Bush Jr.'s rolling his grave right now.

You know, we need a little stupid GoPro to get from here to there. Like the funny things that happen like that. Like that doesn't even say that. That says we have to get along. Yeah, it's totally wrong. And he said we have to get going. Wow, what a whamboozle. Travis, what, drummer boy? I just said George Bush Jr. is rolling and is great. What's your name? Travis Plow. Yeah, like what I did to his cousin. Did I just high five myself? Yes, I did. Oh, you son of a... Okay. All right. Let's keep it moving along. Fantastic. So we have white trash people. Brian Mose is a perfect fit to balance. I mean, this is my demo. So you are as black as they are

white. So everything's perfectly even. Let's get the show started, ladies and gentlemen. You guys ready for this to start tonight's show? Great. As always, we like to get things started with a bang here. So I put a lead off hitter that is just so much fun. He's one of everybody's favorite rising young standup comedians and he's here for you right now with another super creative minute and another fun interview on positive of it. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best, the big red machine, William Montgomery. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is William Montgomery. If there's anything I've learned from OnlyFans.com, is that my account's not doing too well? I wrote a Cliffs notes to Anne Frank's diary, spoiler alert. The only suspenseful part of the

diary is when she writes, I heard a knock at the door, but I don't remember ordering anything off Amazon. What are y'all's plans for Ford Truck Month? CNN be like OJ Simpson was mostly peaceful that night besides two minor incidents. Tony almost made his first hole in one this weekend, but the windmill knocked it out of the way. Kamala Harris has so much black pride she married a white Jew. Okay, that's all I got. That's all you got? 45 seconds? Two, two, two. All right. There it is. Okay, so here's a minute. That's what a minute was like. It came in a touch under 45 seconds. Don't you have a few more Kamala Harris jokes you could do for the people? Yeah, get her. Come on. You must have at least one more, right?

I was either in my notebook and I'm bad. It's actually weird. I stopped drinking and my memories got worse. Really? I don't think that normally happens, but yeah, my memories got going to shit ever since I stopped drinking. Oh my goodness. Well, what are you going to do about it? Actually, I started drinking earlier. You did. What did you have to drink today? A little vodka sprite. And you've been trying to not drink up until this point? No, I've still been drinking a little bit. So you're back to the liquor though. You were drinking just beer for a while and that seemed like that was working. You walked the wheelchair, guy. He's walking? It's okay.

So what made you make the switch from beer back to hard liquor? I don't know. It's been a really tough week for me this week. Yeah. Why has it been a tough week, William? What was so tough about this week? Over at Erica's place, her grandmother is sick. Oh, that's her name. I've always wanted her name. Now I'll call her Erica from now on. What do I speak about her? This is your girlfriend that sometimes beats you, right? Yeah. No, but she's really nice. We need to quit talking like that because it makes her relationship. Oh, and now you're the one that said her first name. You say her name's America? Yeah, that's right. Hell yeah, brother. Suck the dick America.

No, basically, her grandmother had a really bad headache yesterday and she's showing signs of COVID and I felt sick as fuck for the past three days. So I'm just worried that I gave her COVID. Did you get tested, man? I haven't. I'm feeling really bad. Good because it's fake news, man. It's not a real disease. Masks. I think her grandmother is really sick. But you're joking, right? No, I mean, I'm sick as a dog. They did my temperature and it was 106 and I was like, no, I have a... Zach, come over here. This is going to be our first ever... Yeah, what? This is our first ever live temperature check in the history of Kill Tony. Leave it to William Montgomery to worry us like this. I told him, don't worry. It's because I was sweatshirt on.

What is it? And then what do you got for the temperature there, Zach? 98.2 is actually pretty hot on that. That's pretty hot. 98 degrees within sync. William, the grandma's fine, right? She's fine, I hope. I had to help her down the stairs today. She went to a doctor's appointment. Yeah, for what? Her hip. Oh. You sure your girlfriend didn't just punch her in the hip? Come on, Ratman. Come on, Ratman. How old is she, William, your grandmother? She is probably 74. And where is she from? Recita. Born and raised? Born and raised. Your grandma's 74? I don't have a grandmother. Oh. I thought you were talking about Erica's. Oh, this is her grandma. She's 74?

Yeah, I think 74. Oh, they talking about your grandma. How old is your girlfriend? She's, I don't know, 42. 42. How old's her mother? 36. Oh, you son of a bitch. I bet it, man. What did I have a girlfriend? That's what that means. How have things been with the girlfriend? How's the sex life? Do you guys have sex this week? She normally gets on top of me and I hold her up and sometimes I run out of breath because I've been smoking a bunch recently. And how come she doesn't let you get on top of her? I can't. How my body is right now. It's hard for me to have sex with, uh, with someone with this gut I've got. It's hard to get on top of. How long is your erect penis? It's a damn good question.

Wow. I don't know. It's four inches, maybe. Wow. I had a feeling about that. William has a lot of different energies. None of them is big dick. It's probably, yeah, three or four inches. And how long, how long are your pubic hairs? Longer than that. Right. Right. So when you get a bone or it just looks like, it looks like one of those, uh, mushrooms from Mario Brothers. It looks like a troll doll. You know, you know how like people girl, like, like teenage girls, when they go to Venice Beach, they get those hair wraps. It just, you got like a hair wrap around his dick. Yeah, I'm real glad I took the time to say that. Goodbye. I thought it was great. Why power? Uh, no, he's really charming. You're like, you're like, you have like a really charming

personality. Like your personality is like nine inches. Yeah, like Lucky Charming, you redheaded bitch. You got a nine inch charming dick. I loved that joke, by the way. Thank you. But that was very good. Um, and I don't think it got hurt. You know, William's one of the few people that have seen do roast battle where it's almost impossible to roast him because what he, how he roasts his style is almost like you can't lose. Uh, he'll just pull out, throw out ridiculous facts about the other guys. Not true. Oh, so I was like a trumpet. Sort of. It goes, it goes either way. Either that or it's been a disaster before he gets swarmed. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a horrible disaster before. Yeah. Yeah. I bet you say the N word adorably. Honestly. Do you think so?

You have that kind of like look about you like you say, but it's like, it's like, it's like I'm kidding. William, let's go back. It's like a troll doll with a diamond tummy. Because we don't often get to talk about your sex life and we are already opened up this can of worms. Yeah. Let's keep talking about it. So you have, uh, what a lot of people would say is a small penis. Do you go, do you go down on your girlfriend? Do you perform oral sex on her? Is that something? This first off, I'm thinking this isn't going to go over well when she sees this. Oh God, you got to stop worrying about this abusive girlfriend. No, not in a way like she's going to hit me. No, don't do that. You're going to get beat up. It's nothing bad. Listen to the sound.

Oh, that's a baseball bat. Oh, no. Oh, it's a certain round too. I'm on ads now. Oh my goodness. Wait a second. Oh no. That's a bowling ball. Oh my God. Okay. Do you ever perform oral sex on her? I have before. Yeah. How many times do you think? This is something you don't like to do very often. I've done it for 30 seconds. I've done it. Wow. Look at you. Yeah, whatever. I'm a lady's man. Wow. Wait, this is a regular. You guys know how he fucks. Don't you ask him every week how he fucks? No, we don't. We like to keep these things. Then we let the tension build and then all of a sudden just one day I over attack the subject and then they feel completely raped afterwards after I get all the truth out of them

because they didn't think I was going to keep asking about it. That's why I like to move forward like we just did a second ago and now we're going back to it and they don't expect it. So they start being honest. Yeah, I've done it for like 45 seconds. I learned this all from Jim Can't Swim. They break down criminal investigations and like negotiations. Is Jim Black? Uh-oh. Okay. Anyway. Oh, I got it. Because he can't swim, Tony. That's why I made it. I got it. I got it. Okay. Inward Jim. 30 seconds. Really? You being honest? Yeah, it doesn't happen a lot. It seems. Why doesn't it happen a lot? She must like it, right? Women like that type of thing. How about you? I don't know. Do all women? I don't know if all

women... Are you saying your girl doesn't like you going down on her? Let me try. Yeah, I don't think it's all women. They like it if it's good. Yeah, that's a great... Well, I don't know what I'm doing down there. I think Will and I just fall asleep down there and wake up and say, give me a beer. Darlene, out of all the family members that you hook up with, who's the one that pleases you the most? If I had to pick between my brother and my cousin, well, you know, my brother and I go back a long time, so I'd have to see my brother. Is that how you do it, Dave? Yeah, like the guy called Gecko just... Wow. Tony, first time I ever had water burger was between her legs. I'll tell you that. Wow. Indeed. William, can you show us your method when you

go down on a girl? What do you do? Wait a minute. People can't at home see this, but Darlene is drinking a beer while pregnant, Tony. You didn't even point that out. Oh my goodness. That's a hoax, man. That shit ain't bad for you. That baby looks bunched up. You can see just limbs sticking out of there. He's tall. That's why. All right, here we go, guys. We are now going to zoom in. William is about to show us how he performs. We put Benfold's five song on. What? By Benfold's five. It'll give you the... What song? Brick by Benfold's five. Brick by... That's what I did. The one time I did it, that's the song that was played. There's your first mistake. What's going on over here? What do you mean? That's got me all dried up more than a something cracker.

You fucking cracker. Okay. You get one. We don't know about... Sorry, sorry. I forgot where I was. We get 50. This is Biden's America. You don't have to put it on. Here's... You want to see how I did it? Hold on just one second. We got it. Here we go. This is how William eats the vagina. We're zoomed in on William here. A beautiful, beautiful shot from Lieutenant General Zach Bogus on camera one. Here he goes. You don't have to... Okay. You don't have to actually lick the microphone. It's probably better if you don't because then we can... Just play the fucking song, red man. See what you're doing. Stay on him, Bogus. This is romantic. It's awful pussy eating. Some of the worst I've seen. Is that not good?

No, he's getting started. Let him go. Let him go. He's just warming up a little bit. There's some soft licks happening. A lot of beard rubbing up against. I could see why she only... No, it's like a cat drinking milk from a saucer. This is terrible. A cat drinking from saucers? Yeah, from saucers. Keep going, William. No, I'm not going to let him scream his way out of this one. You and him. You guys all take the beta. Okay, thank you. I do have a feeling his tongue feels like sandpaper. William, is that all that you do? Yeah, I don't know what else to do. You rub your beard against it. I don't know what else to do. On what body part does that ever feel good? On an arm. All you did was get the baby to kick. That's it.

Blowing it a little. Is something going to change? Are you going to do something? No, this is what I did. I'm waiting for something to happen. This is what I did. I think my baby just died inside of me. For those of you just listening to the podcast, which happens a lot, not watching live, he has his mouth about a quarter of an inch open, but he's just rubbing his face on it. Yeah, that's all I know. Not a good advertising for you eating pussy or anybody else's. Okay, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. No wonder she hates it. Yeah, you didn't even put a bib on. Okay, I made a mistake. You eat pussy like a guy that has a 14-inch dick. Oh, God. That's real. I like that. You eat pussy to bad mistake. I'm sorry. Never has to eat pussy.

Oh my God. I made a horrible mistake. I apologize. All right. Well, we had fun with you this week. There goes William Montgomery, everybody. Another minute by William. All right. All right. All right. There you go. Okay. Outstanding calves on William Montgomery. It is incredible. He is a biker and incredible physique. He is the he is the he has the legs of a bicyclist and the body of an e bicyclist. Pesto pasta. Peloton the pesto pasta brothers. Can we change brothers and curse up to the pesto brothers? You got it. It's a pesto brothers. Charlie put in a special order for me. Oh, David, you're going to get it tonight, dude. You're fucked, bro. Charlie, you making

this guy's side orders? I caught it. I was talking with him at the table before the show. He had his arm on it like he didn't want me to see what it was. He was trying to hide his pesto from me. We'll talk about this in a bit. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This is a complete stranger. We've never met before. He signed up here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. Make some noise for John Manford, everybody. Here we go. John Manford. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. John Manford. Thank you. I learned recently that I don't have an eating disorder. Turns out I'm just a skinny cunt. My doctor told me he's an Australian guy. If you didn't know in Australia, cunt is their word for hypochondriac.

Also applies to anyone who just in general needs to chill the fuck out. I like that because it's not so much a word of antagonism to them as much as it is an ego check just crammed into four letters. They're all loosey-goosey down there with it. They're all running around going, oh, I'm a cunt. Yeah, cunt. We all cunts. It's why they're so happy. Have you ever met and pissed off Australian asshole? They don't exist. I think we should adopt their system. It's a unifying word. If you think of it, where do we all come from? A cunt. Or if you're like me, some cunt who had a C-section. Did I fill a minute? Get ExpressVPN. It's fucking fantastic. He's absolutely right about that. Heck yeah, John Manford. How's it going, John? It's all right. How long have you been on stand-up?

Doing it for about two years. Two years, all of it here in Los Angeles? No, started in New York, then got fed up, moved to Joshua Tree. Wait, yeah. Joshua Tree. Yeah, I mean, I met Mike Verbiglia like a week after I decided to start. You want to pick up that name? He told me to get the fuck out of New York if I'm just starting stand-up. And you're like, all right, I'll go to the dead center of the nothing burger desert. Yeah, I mean, it's like a couple hour drive from here, San Diego. I love it. I'm a big fan. I'm a huge fan of Joshua Tree. Yeah, it's a good place for me to clear my head and like write shit. If you're a new comic, don't you think New York, but the millions of mics they have is probably like the best place to start comedy? Not when you just

quit your job and you have no income and you're paying a lot of money. What was your job? I used to make baseball cards. I used to run an app. And George, you work for Tops? You see more like a bottoms. Did you see that? Baseball card jokes. Baseball card. Yes. I've been waiting 13 years to do that joke. I've been waiting for someone to tell me. The name of that joke is called Gay Collector. That's right. There you go. It applies. Put that in a play. You're the first guy I've ever met that looks like you're sort of like an ugly guy, right? But you're like you would make like a hot, nerdy chick. Yeah, you look like your name is fucking Zoe Ramone right now. You seem like the type of girl that like takes off her glasses and like goes like that and gets like super hot.

But you're just a guy. I'm just a guy who does that. Yeah. Oh, okay. Minus the hotness. You look like a nine year old Howard Stern. Has anyone told you that before? You look like you're cosplaying as the Mars Volta. Yeah. Like a very, very smart version of it though. Mars. Maybe you can take off his glasses with some music. Oh, let's see. Wait, wait, wait, wait. First of all, first of all, take your time. I know the pressure is getting to you. Look directly in that camera. Look at the red light. Do it nice and slow. Slow. All right. No, that's bad. That's really bad. Oh my God. He tried to be funny. Honestly, without your glasses, you look like Robert Erick is the night stalker. Go with that. That looked like the first time he's ever tried to

take off his glasses. He was born with those glasses as a baby and they've been glued to the side of his head and it was the first time he ever pulled them off his face. Stuck to my hair. It hurts. I can't sleep. I thought I was supposed to make it hot and sexy. Yeah, you were, but you never looked at the camera. I told you to look directly down the parallel. You look like David Letterman's bastard child. Can we give him a second try, Tony? I think he'll get it on the second time. You got to look down the barrel of the camera for five seconds and then do something. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Listen to the direction that I'm giving you. Okay? Yeah. Once I say go and you hear the music start, you look at the camera, right? You

don't do anything. You just make love with your eyes to the center of that camera. Okay? And then you slowly go for the glasses and do your own things starting then, but take your time. Relax. Every time I say go, you just start fucking reach up, start fucking abusing your glasses like your William Montgomery's girlfriend. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't say go. Okay. And go. That was perfect. That was absolutely great. That was absolutely great. Four times to try. We have the monitor right here. It looked amazing. Tony, I know I'm a redneck and everything, but I think I could do do what he just did more sexy. If you okay, why don't you why don't you go on to actually come on up to the front of this stage here, right to the right to the tip here. Come

come up. Oh, okay. It's probably not a great idea. That's okay. You know, who remembers that Simpson's episode like Marge's first date and that's the guy stand right at the tip there. Get the light. Here you go. And here comes the music and sexy. Here goes Joel to do it. Keep right down that camera. Why? No, Joel, we can't play any of this on YouTube. We've got to cut this whole part out. Joel, Joel will censor it. Joel, you never even took the glasses off. Yeah. For the YouTubers, that big blur is he took everything down to his underwear.

All right, go sit down. That's my cousin's law right there. I think that was objectively hotter and a little more annoying than how I did it. Thank you, John. Thank you so much. So now you live in Joshua Treaty. You live by yourself. Yep. And what's that? What's a normal day in the life of John Manford like? Well, first of all, it's Hanford with an H, but I was gonna say John Manford sounds like you're a terminator when you made that name up. John Man Ford. Yeah, no, that'd be like some serious overcompensation. But no, I basically like I just get up, go to sit on my couch, I'll put on a record, make coffee and just like write shit or play guitar or something.

My God. Yeah. Can you play guitar? Are you a good guitar player? Yeah, not bad. Okay. What do you know how to play? Anything good? Yeah. I mean, I play fairies for a boot. Like I've been playing since I was eight, so it's 22 years now. No, listen, honestly, let's talk about Joel disrespecting the flag with his underwear. That was 100% respect.

No, no, bring, bring, come back over here. I pledge of allegiance like that. I want to see that flag again. No, no, no, no, no, no. I was going to kneel at the flag. It's all right. It's okay. We don't kneel in this household ever. So I can't suck your dick.

After the show, after the show, guys. So, John, tell us something. This flag needs a poll, Moses. You'll make an exception. Kaepernick. Okie dokie, and we're back to win our guest, John Hanford. It's about the guest here, not the band. And we're here with John.

John, tell us something that we would be surprised to know about you, about your life, your entire life's history. Uh, well, let's see. I used to work in, I used to be a baseball scout. I used to... For who? What organization? I used to be the Boy Scouts. Mets guy? I bet.

Okay. Mets, yeah. It was the Mets? I worked for the New York Mets in 2014. Yeah, they are really bad. There's some good guys. I mean, like... They had a comedian as their scout.

They're awful. We know you have trouble taking your glasses off, but we've seen the Mets. And when you were scouting for them, it seems like you didn't put your glasses on, John. They're notoriously a horrible baseball team. Thank you, Brody. Brody's a big baseball fan.

He knows this. I played baseball in Alaska. Thank you, Brody. Thank you so much. It's like he's still here. Speaking to us from the heavens, he's way, way, way up there. Where are you, Brody?

I hike Runyon Canyon. Oh, okay. There you go. So, John, how about another fun fact about it? You have any special skills or talents? Like, other than playing guitar, you like magic or anything? No, I write.

I'm a really good cook. I cook a lot of yaki soba, Japanese stuff. But I... Yeah, I mean, like another fun fact I'd be remiss. I didn't mention. I built my own guitar. And you're the lead singer for Journey. If it was a solo band, yeah.

Would you build it out of? Would you build your guitar out of? A couple pieces of mahogany, got a bunch of gold hardware from Stuart McDonald's website where you go to build guitars. Yeah. Are you bored shitless where you live, though,

because there's nothing to do? No, it's honestly perfect. Just like my head's all over the place. I'm kind of a jumpy guy. You notice, Tony, it's kind of the only place where I've been able to exist and just be peaceful and shit. It's really nice.

How long have you been there again? A year and a half. A year and a half. And you love it. Dude, this guy is the most interesting, non-interesting guy I've ever met. Woo! It's like polarizing it.

Thank you. Thank you, Travis Plow. Okay. Well, John, very, very interesting. How about your love? What's dating like in Joshua Tree? Ooh, it's brutal. I pretty much, at this point,

I've decided to just work on myself and... You ever think about going to a gay bar and just pretending like you're a lesbian? Or Jeff Goldblum? You could be like the Juana Man of the Joshua Tree lesbian scene. Yeah, she was just coming to my place. There isn't much of a scene.

I'm like the only young guy there that isn't married or with a kid. So it's just a weird place to date. Oh, do you eat pussy better than you take off glasses? I'd say I play pussy better than the same as I play guitar pretty well. No one wants to take the demo tape. Pretty good, but not the best of fingering.

There goes John Hanford, everybody. That's John. Well, thank you. Thank you, John. John Hanford on Kill Tony. Okay. How about one more time for John Hanford, everyone? I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Hugo Galaxy. Here we go. Here comes Hugo Galaxy. How we doing? Repeat after me, guys. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.

Just in case you got to tell yourself. I'm disappointed there's no black magicians. But I know why, man. We don't fuck with the dark arts, man. We're terrified. Like, we've all seen a David Blaine-esque magician do a magic trick in front of a bunch of black people. And we all just run.

We just scatter. People are like, yo, check your do-rag. And I'll be like, oh, shit. Ace of Spades, no. I like to think my dad was just, like, didn't abandon us. He just, like, ran away and is, like, still running. Like, somewhere in the mountains, like, how the hell did he pull that rabbit out of that hat?

I got to get back to my family. I was sitting out eating and I listened to this guy talking to this girl. And he's like, listen, I only have sex with you if you want me to. I only have sex with you if you want me to. I'm like, yeah, because the other way is called rape. That's all I got.

That's all I got. That's all I got. Oh, yeah, there you go. 55 seconds. Yeah. How sweet it is indeed to be loved by you. Welcome to the show Hugo Galaxy. Thank you.

Thank you. So can you, let's go through that last joke one more time, that last joke that you did. Can we go over it one more time? Can you do it again? Oh, I heard people eating. And this guy was talking to his girl. And he's like, I only have sex with you

if you want me to. I only have sex with you if you want me to. I'm like, yeah, because of the way it's called rape. The guy said, I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. Why do you think he's- Sounds like an R&B song. Sounds like an R. Kelly song.

Why do you- Oh, yeah. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. Rape. Why do you think he was saying that to this girl? Was it like a first date or- I don't know. Like I-

Where were you at? Do you remember where you were eating? I was at- Popeye's Churches. Jesus, Peter. Popeye's Churches. It was- Is it Chick-fil-A?

Where do you have any guesses? I know Biden won, but we have to stop reverting back to 1960s humor. Okay, everybody? He was at KFC because it makes money. Okay? He's our mainstream dude. Look at that outfit.

It's like Gary Clark Jr., Jr. He does. He does. Oh, it was at jalapeno pizza in Burbank. Oh. Senior pizza. Burbank correspondent, Brian Redban is here. He's driven his e-bike past it.

That's right. Good choice. Have you tried that pizza place? Actually, I have, yes. What's it like? What's the report? It's okay. There's a lot of Burbank pizza places that are very similar.

They're all kind of like average, but you know, it's okay. You live in Burbank? No, no, I live in WeHo. Wow, what made you go all the way to Burbank for a slice of pizza? I used to live in Burbank. Oh, for how long? Like a year.

Until the riots started? Yeah, the famous Burbank riots. What were your cross streets in Burbank? Can I guess? Yeah, sure. Lake? No, stop, stop, stop. I'm going to go Lanker-Schimmann-Chandler.

No, it was Victory in Hollywood. Verdugo. Hollywood Way. Oh, okay. Your cross streets should have been burning. I know exactly where that is. There's a taco place and a gas station right there. Yep, I'm just kidding.

There's a taco place and a gas station on everything on Victory. There's a taco place and a... What's a taco? Okay. Travis Plow has never heard of a taco before. What do you do for work? Our wait tables. We're at the shit cake factory.

Wow. It's still open. I heard they went out of business. No, they got the patios open. The patios are open. No, I mean like the whole company I heard went out of business. That's what I heard, yeah. Really, no, I...

You haven't heard that? See, it was my first day. You know slavery's over, right? I hope not. I hope not. You hope it's not over? No, I hope they didn't close because today... I hope slavery's not over or I'll lose my job.

It's gone soon. So how long have you been a factory worker for? Um, like two years? My goodness. And you know that whole menu, huh? No. You don't? No, not at all.

Not at all. Are you sometimes surprised by what people order? You're like, we have that? I am. So like we've been in COVID and like today was my first day back. Oh, shit, congratulations. Wow. You worked a lunch shift today?

Biden wins. Nick is going back to work. Look at you. Yes, sir. Oh, yeah. Put your good denim on too. Look at you, all that denim on. Look like you're Canadian.

Canadian Tuxedo. No, it was my first day back and I guess they had a new menu rollout. I didn't know anything. Wow. Did they make it smaller at all? Because I know the menu right now is like 500 pages. Like I had a job there in the first, when the first day of like work, they gave us the menu, like you have to memorize this thing.

And the thing is so big, I was like, fuck that. And I walked out. Because this red band was like, I already have a member. You were the smart one. I'm a big fan of... I got a photogenic memory. So don't you worry about that. Okay.

So is there, what did you do before this job? Hose. No, I come from the Bay Area. So I was just up there doing like odd jobs. Trapping. Odd jobs. Just like construction. Nick, are you a mobster?

Yeah, I have no construction. Yeah, he's like. Are you telling me for nothing? I worked in a wait man. The white bills over there. Waste management ran my own bar. Yeah, exactly. I should.

He's a real one. All right, that's fun. And now you live in West Hollywood. What's that like for you? That must be a big change from being from the Bay Area. Yeah, all of LA is a big change. It's cool. I wasn't to be like in the city, like in the core of shit happening.

So I mean, I feel like... So which homeless encampment? No, it's cool. Like I'm two miles away from the comedy store, like a mile away from the improv. So that's why I would really want to move out here. So just to be closer to comedy. Are we neighbors?

Yeah. You live on like, wait, you live on Switzer and Willoughby? I live off Third. You are. You're way down there. Third at what? Tony's neighbor. No, I don't live anywhere near there.

What? Third at Fairfax. Wow, Fairfax and Third. So right by the farmers market and the whole foods of the Trader Joe's? Yeah, like right there. Where they rioted. That's crazy.

Did you start the riots there? I wish. My goodness. Where exactly at Fairfax and Third? That's actually literally like right where I live, like right next to the Trader Joe's. How close to the Trader Joe's? I could sprint there.

Like that's how fast. How fast? Well, I mean, that doesn't take much. I could sprint to the Trader Joe's with a bag full of shit in like seven seconds. Four to four. If you walked out of your front door and sprinted to the Trader Joe's.

Like if the comedy store is my house, Trader Joe's is like pink dot. Hugo, he's asking how fast is your 40 time? Okay, that's a whole different thing. How fast can you drink a 40? Pretty fast. God damn it, white power. Do you work out, man?

Oh, good question. Coming straight from Travis Plow. You got like a good body for one of them. You know what I'm saying? It's like, okay, these guys are white trash. Don't mind them. They're from a different time, a different place, a different era.

No, do you work out? I want to know this because like, you seem to like be like in shape. You say you drink a 40 fast, but like. Thank you, Travis. Thank you so much. You're welcome. But also answer my question.

Yeah, yes. Now we're moving on. You work out on the daily? Yeah. All right, I'll talk to you after the show. There you go. There's the payoff for all of that. I will talk to you after the show.

Could have been good. You got Trevor knows on the daily show. If you're wondering what all that setup was for, I'll talk to you after the show. There it is. I'll make it better. There's a fart noise to pull the next comedy right there to recover to recover a fart noise here in the main room

of the comedy store. Oh, he's taking his pants. All right. This is high bro comedy in here. I'm going to ask you something that I asked John Hanford and got a half an answer from a special skills or talent, something that you you're really good at, something that you took the time to get good at.

Man, I don't know. I don't know if it's a special skill, but I could like clap one hand. Oh, I absolutely. That's a special skill and we all want to see that. Am I right people? Okay. And here we go.

Let's see this one hand clap. Here he is. He's doing it right now. Can we get are we on the camera? Can we can we see this close up on this one? Okay. Here we go. Well, I don't know if this is going to work right now.

Let's see. A lot of pressure. The answer was Tony. I don't have any special skills or talent. I was going to say like Hugo, Galaxy, you're a comic. Now you just got on camera doing that shit. Nicky, you're going to be a meme forever. I can't believe you subjected yourself to that shit.

I didn't I didn't have I didn't have nothing in my head. That was that was like another joke. Nicky. No, no, no. No, we hear jokes all the time. Watching someone that can't do it. Try to clap with one hand. I don't know.

By property. I don't know. Dave Gunther. I really think he's just nervous. I think you can do it. Can I can you guys think we should give him another shot at it? No, no, I don't I don't need another shot. Put it in the mic stand.

Okay, let's let's see one more. Put the mic in the mic stand. Put your hips and shoulders into it. Whatever you got to do to get the momentum of the top of your hand to hit the bottom of your hand, we demand we are going to be here all night until this works. This is this is my favorite late night talk show. Literally when you're like, oh, Kill Tony's a live podcast

and they keep going through a pandemic. How low can they go? This is it. We're here still trying. It's weird, but taking the jacket off made it better. All right, here it is. This is it. This is edited out scenes from Chappelle's SNL monologue right here.

Damn. Okay, here he is. One hand clap. It's Hugo Galaxy live on Kill Tony from the world famous comedy store. All the pressure in the world. We just got word Mitzi is watching right now. I'm sorry, mom. Okay, don't make guys.

Don't make the fucking noise. That would really just be a stupid thing to do on a podcast. We need the people to hear that he's failing. All right, here we go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's really the stupidest thing I've ever seen. It is.

It is. It is. It is pretty dumb. It sounds like a gnome jerking off. How did you? How did you learn that you could do this? Retardation. Yeah.

Yeah. When I said special, when I said special, it's like, well, I can drool. I can I can bounce my hand off my chest. I know a lot of special skills. I'm going to defend Hugo on this. As black men coming up in the 80s, we all learned how to do this.

Thank you. Thank you. The confident look in your face when you do it. Is that how you wave it? Why women? Hugo, the one hand clap made the night for me. I absolutely loved it. In fact, I'm going to clap with both hands for you.

There goes Hugo Galaxy, everybody. Come on. You guys have a good night. There goes Hugo. Wow. Wow. To be loved by you. All right.

Your next comedian, a regular on this show, an incredible, incredible force has been doing stand-up, I believe, seven or eight years from the great state of Georgia. He's been a regular here for about a year, and he's here for you right now with a brand new minute of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. And then in an interview, ladies and gentlemen, the great David Lucas.

And here he is, David Lucas. Yeah. I realized how fat I was this weekend because I refused to have sex with this girl because it was 10, 15, and I thought McDonald's only had 15 minutes left for their breakfast menu. And then I got there and it was like,

sir, we serve breakfast all day. I was like, oh, shit, give me two sausage McMuffins and a hash brown well done. Superrules are the gayest cars ever made. I can't believe white people go to the dealership and buy a brand new Subaru with zero miles. That shit baffles me. Why the fuck do you need a car capable of killing kangaroos?

If I was a serial killer, I would stay outside of 24 hours and snipe all in-shape niggas. If you had planning fitness, I'll leave you the fuck alone because your life already fucked up enough. But if you got a six-packing bicep, your ass is dead.

Fuck yeah, David Lucas speaking from the heart. I believe all that. Yeah. I believe all that. I was offended by that whole, I mean, that Subaru bit you had. As a black man that owns a Subaru and can one-hand clap, I just...

You own a Subaru? Yeah, I do. Why? Why? What? Because it had zero miles. Really? You got a brand new Subaru?

No, I was like a year old and that's 6,000 miles and a Japanese dude owned it before and he souped it up and it was cheap, so I got it. And it's a hell of a car. Which one? Not the station wagon. No, no, the baby driver, WRX.

Well, you know, Subaru's slogan, right? What's in your closet? You. You know, I got a fat person update for you on your joke that McDonald's doesn't have all-day breakfast anymore. They don't? No, because of Corona, they got rid of it.

Oh, so it'll work out the way. Wow. I liked it. I liked it. Yeah, it said it'll work out the way. Corona killed all-day... What would you get all-day breakfast? What?

What's your move on breakfast at the McDonald's? Oh, I don't fucking make McDonald's. That's just a joke. You don't ever... You ever tried their actual all-American breakfast? It's actually not bad. It's surprising. I have.

I've been obviously in some very odd airport situations all around the country and sometimes the world. And sometimes McDonald's seems like the safest bet. And a fun fact is I never eat McDonald's because I'm a big believer that it causes immediate depression within 20 minutes of eating it. However, the one thing that I do enjoy from McDonald's is, and you guys may know this,

my travel friends, is the breakfast fajita burrito. Oh, yeah, that's a surprise. Shockingly good. They have the little picante sauces. They give you a mild and a hot. And for some reason, the thing is incredible. Absolutely explosive diarrhea. I was gonna say, dude.

Oh, my God. Sometimes it's worth... And by the way, it's not always diarrhea. Sometimes it just goes back inside of you and hardens up. You know what I mean? Because you don't go number two on airplanes. James Harden fucking stepped back and shit so. Absolutely.

But it makes you feel like you're going to have... Maybe that's just airport McDonald's because I've never had that happen. Yeah, it's like a dollar. Well, your stomach absorbs everything. It's just diarrhea. It just holds on to it. You don't even poop.

Red Band just fills up. He shit out his dick. He's just full of poop. You're so ass crack, bro. So you say you don't fuck with McDonald's. I don't fuck with McDonald's, man. What do you mean you don't fuck with McDonald's? Like, the last time I had McDonald's

was on some shit like you just said. I was stuck in the Phoenix Airport and that was all they had. So what's the worst thing that you eat? Because you look like you fucking got locked in at McDonald's for a few years. What's the worst shit I eat? I do a Pesto Pasta.

I do a Pesto Pasta. Yeah, can we talk about this special order? A Pesto Pasta that you made? Why y'all niggas hating breakfast, Charlie? Because you are sort of... It's really funny. I've noticed this. Hey, Charlie, did I know that was coming though?

Hey, he just said you did ask for it last week. Oh my God. You pretended like he's not in the same room. And you had no idea he was gonna throw you under the pot. He's being nice and giving us pizza. You're making special requests. David, this is totally something you would do. There was not a doubt in my mind

when I saw that Pesto Pasta that you fucking asked him for the Pesto Pasta. Last week, you had your fucking white cousin parked in front of me. I had to move my car because anything that you get, you take more. You're like, hey, I got you. I got you two tickets to WrestleMania.

There you go, pal. Go have fun. You're like, can I have three more? That's you. Bruh, last... And now you're getting here ordering? I don't even do that with Charlie. I never do that.

And I spend like, what, 100 bucks a week at Vitos? Oh, God, y'all making me feel like an inward. Well... Oh, no, no, no, no. I wasn't going to say it. No, last week we had... I was just thinking it, man. I wasn't saying it out loud, man.

Last week we had... I wrote it down. Listen, listen, listen. I wasn't going to say it. You wrote kind of a lot. Yeah. Last week we had the pizza, and I was like, when are you going to do the pasta again?

So I got my nutritionist. You have a nutritionalist? Is that what you're trying to say? No. Nutritionist. Whatever the fuck it's called. Nutritionist. Okay.

The motherfucker that tell me how much of each thing I need to eat. When did you get this guy? Last week. Did he find you? I've had him on and off for a little while, but I wasn't listening to him. Is that why you're wearing camo?

Are you hiding from him right now? He watched the show. He does? Wow. But yeah, he put me back on straight, and since then, bro, like... What did this guy say to you? He goes, look, I'm a nutritionist.

I want to help you. Yeah, he was basically like, with fish, you're not going to get enough protein, and that's going to make you have your problems. Yeah, by the way, I told you this on this show about a year and a half ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he told me that shit, and I was like,

bro, you right, plus it's expensive as hell. Because he was like, you need to be hitting like 235 grams of protein a day. And there's no way you're doing that with just salmon. You know what I'm saying? So I got the chicken. He got me the protein shakes and other stuff, and it's working already.

So... Yeah, it's working already. Have you lost weight? Six pounds since Thursday. You lost six pounds since Thursday. But I mean, I do a lot of shit. You know, I weight, lift, grapple, and shit. Hey, so six pounds.

My goodness. Where do you think you lost it from? What part of your body? Thighs, hopefully. I'm trying to get skinny jeans. Really? Wow. That's your main goal?

You want to start with skinny jeans and keep that upper body? Like a lot of people be like, oh, I'm losing weight for health reasons. I'm losing weight for fashion reasons. Like, bro, I love high-end fashion, and that shit only go up to like a 2x or a 40 in the waist. I'm a 44.

I'm a 44, 42. 44 Savage. Yeah, 34 Savage. Is that your waist size? What? 44? 44, 42, yeah. 44, 42.

You mean 4,442? No. Oh, God, Tony. 44, 42? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so... So 44 with 42 length? Is that what you're saying? No, like this is a 44 right here.

How does it work? How does it work with... No, he's saying it's... Sometimes it could be 42. Sometimes it could be 44. You two ever try to trade pants? Oh, dude, I wear a 34, 36. That was a lie.

Yeah, I do. You think Red Band wear a 36? I'm wearing a 36 right now. You're wearing a 36. William, what size pants you wear? Yeah, but he like... He's that 40. He like uses a rope to like keep it wrapped around.

It's called a noose. All right, David, so much fun. We love you. We gotta keep it moving. David Lucas, everybody. There goes David Lucas, everyone. There goes David Lucas, there goes David Lucas. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Dan Levin. Here we go. Here is Dan Levin right now. Here is Dan Levin. Hello, everybody. I am Dan Levin, and I grew up in Baltimore. Fun fact about Baltimore, if you've never been, actually has the largest gun range in the entire country.

If you want to go check it out, it's called Downtown. Head down, over fire, you can do whatever you want. After living in Baltimore, I moved to North Carolina for a couple years, which in a lot of ways was like LA, except a little bit cheaper, a little bit more racist. In fact, the band's actually giving me a grocery store flashbacks at the moment. And then I decided to move to LA

because I didn't think there was enough Jews here. So it's good to be here. And there's a lot of things I like about LA, including all the opportunities for entertainment and comedy. And I took an acting class. And the first exercise we did was everybody goes around the room and tells you what you look like, what your first impression is as a character.

And it started off okay, you know, like gym teacher or NBA bench player or Jason Siegel. And then it kind of took a weird turn. People started saying things like rapist and serial killer. And then somebody took it way too far and just shouted out Jared Kushner. And I was like, okay. There you go.

Hi, Dan. Hi. This is your first time on the show, right? This is my first time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a year and a half or so. Where at? Mostly flappers and random virtual.

Is this your first time at the comedy store? Yeah, actually. My goodness. You came during an interesting time. I did. During a global pandemic. Fun six months. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh-huh. What have you been doing? What have you been doing to pass the time during this? Working, watching TV. What do you do for work? I actually work in the news. What brand of the news?

ABC. Wow, you work for ABC News? I do. My goodness. What do you do for them? Are you a researcher? Producer. Wow, it's a really big deal.

The local news affiliate or the big ABC News? Local. Oh, that's incredible. So ABC Live on 5? That's ABC 7. ABC 7, very good. Red Band knows his local news. The police chase master.

I got interviewed by ABC 7 for the purse house shit. Oh, look at that. My goodness. Maybe I put you on TV. I think you did. Probably. Look at that. You do have that news look though.

Like that. He does. Yeah. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. He does. My goodness. I mean, you just mess your hair up a little. What a switch.

What a switch. We went from BT to ABC that quickly. Just one little channel change away. So how long you've been working with the news? What year is this 2020? So like 10 years? My goodness. That's a long time.

It feels like a long time. Incredible. What's an interesting thing that you've done in that field? Would you break any stories or anything? What was like a highlight or something? Highlight. Well, I did sports for the first four years. I really enjoyed that.

That was pretty cool. I got to cover the Ravens winning the Super Bowl. That was a lot of fun. I used to have to answer the phones. Got a lot of dumb phone calls. I was always entertaining. People who call new stations usually aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree. Was there any UFO reportings or anything like that you'd ever receive?

All the time. All the time. So there's this big theater in Baltimore called The Senator that shoots up a spotlight. And anytime they shoot up a spotlight, there's immediately 10 to 15 phone calls of people just, oh my god, there's something flying over our house. I'm like, no, they're just showing the dark night. So that wasn't a UFO?

I can't prove that. Or maybe the aliens just really lacked that light. Or maybe really those aliens like the dark night. That's true. It was a great film. What do you like to do for fun, Dan? You seem like you have some interesting fun side hobbies. I like to play sports.

What kind of sports do you like to play? You say that like a table tennis aficionado. Actually, I saw a fun story. I'm actually an international gold medalist in bowling. What? Wow, this is absolutely incredible. Breaking news here. This is we actually have a sound of you hard at work here.

It's going to give me horrible flashbacks. There you go. Oh, it's William's girlfriend. Erica, we learned her name was tonight. So that's great. See, how many times have you got like a 300? Never. Never.

I didn't say I was good. I just said I want a gold medal. Wow. A gold medal, really with no 300. No 300. Yeah. What's your high? What's their vetting process?

50 something. Well, you got you got to remember the competition I was going up against here. Your last name is Moses. You might have the Maccabi games. You ever heard of that? No. It's like the Jewish Youth Olympics.

That was Maccabi. Yeah. Maccabi. Oh, you're probably right. It's motto. Yeah. So it was like. I'm anti-Semitic, though.

That's what's different. What is this? Jewish bowling? Yeah, it was Jewish. Well, so it's like the Jewish Youth Olympics. Do you put little yamikas on your bowling balls? Yeah. And I can only bowl them from right to left.

Oh, because that's how you guys read. Are you Jewish? I am Jewish. Oh, you work in the news? Yeah. Oh, sure. Brian won a cash for gold medal once. Wow.

1300 bowls? Yeah. My goodness. Yeah, it was OK. Did you do are there other Jewish bowlers that bowl 300? Or is that? No, it was it was pretty slim pickings at this time. I didn't I didn't go to Jesus.

Actually, yeah, Jesus probably hit a 300 at some point. Right. I don't think. Wait, so you're from Baltimore. Yeah. How's the crack? It was all right. Really?

Yeah. Have you tried crack? Look, I have not tried crack. Really? I got offered crack. Come on. What kind of drugs are you doing? What are you doing?

Does this guy look like out of everybody that's been on so far? He's the only one that doesn't seem like he's tried crack. This is Disney owned. I've been offered crack numerous times. Yeah. Yeah, from Baltimore. Yeah, exactly. All you got to do is stop and get gas.

And hey, man, you want some ready rock? Not really. Ready rock. Wait, you do know that. Well, you're in the news, I guess. I got offered that one time. Wow. So you're an international gold medalist bowler.

I should clarify. I made the baseball team for team Baltimore before I ever went to bowling. But the coach was kind of a dickhead. So I still wanted to come. It was actually an orange county. A Jewish baseball player. My goodness.

Can you imagine the stolen bases this guy must have had? Oh, come on, Tony. My goodness. Again, we run the other mookie bets. Wow. On everything. All this baseball talk has David Lucas thinking of a Denny's grand slam right now.

OK. He's gone. He's crying in the bathroom. He just lost another pound in tears. It's just shredding the pounds. Were you ever fat? You seem like you used to be obese. Not obese.

I was chubby in high school. And then I grew like 15 inches within like a year and a half. And then I kind of. Wow. 15 inches are also known as almost four William Montgomery penis lengths. Oh, that's a good metric. It's a solid metric.

We weigh things. We measure things. Very funny here. We measure things in William penis sizes. And what is it? Quarter pounders. Quarter pounders. Yeah.

Yeah. OK. So I'm like 100 William penis sizes and 17 quarter pounders. You're not 17 quarter pounders. You're good. How about I'd say like 58. That's probably better. Here's a real question.

I got into journalism not to do math. You're from Baltimore. You're a white guy. You kind of have this thing. Have you ever rapped? Oh, good question. Every Baltimore guy got no raps. Not well.

I knew you did. No. Not well. I mean, like never like on my own. It was more of like a drunken karaoke. OK. You have your own raps. You're lying to me.

I do not have my own raps. I don't. I don't. Come on. Give us a little something. We know you have some Jewish raps. Some Jewish raps. Without a doubt.

Oh, man. You're going to make me freestyle. I'm not ready for that. It's like the Jewish rapper. It's like the. What? This morning on Sunday. It's Raidel, y'all.

What the hell kind of rat beat is this? Dr. Drail. It's not bad. The free goes free. You got that's not terrible. Disciples, y'all. Shout out to him. I'm kind of like Dr. Drail.

Too cheap. That's not bad. Too cheap. It's pretty good too. 50 cents. I think just works in itself. Okay. Let's hear a Jewish rap, everybody.

Here comes a Jewish rap, everyone. What an exciting Monday. Here we go. Here's a little Jewish rap. Here's Dr. Drail with his new hit. Saving my money. Oh, do I have to? There's no beat.

Here comes. It's a it's a drop it like it's hot soup by Dr. Drail. Here's a Jewish rap. Some lots of ball soup remix. A little something called I'm allergic to. Snoop dogs. Off his hit album.

I'm allergic to cats. Here's. You have a band here. You want us to play the music? Here we go. All right. Here it comes. Here he is.

Two, three, four. I'm waiting for the beat drop. Here he comes. Here it comes. I'm here on the kill Tony show rapping. It's something I never thought I'd do. But I'm honored to be here and try to put this together for you. Hey, it's almost Hanukkah time.

Yeah. A time to celebrate skirt. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get eight crazy dates. Oh, God. Eight crazy dates. Yeah. There he is. That's good.

All right. We're all about to commit a mass suicide here live on the show. Take me with you, please. Oh, my goodness. There's a guy one hand clapping in the audience right now. All right, Dan. This was so much fun. We had a blast with you.

Thanks so much for that incredible rap. Do me a favor. Write another minute. Come back again. Let's do it again some other time. There goes Dan Levin, everybody. There he goes. Thank you, Dan.

Hey. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jessica Lee Foster, everyone. Jessica Lee Foster. So very funny. I grew up in the 90s. 90s kid.

I listened to a lot of hip hop. I also was an aspiring rapper. What I mean to say is I said the N-word a lot as a teenager. Never a hard R. Never a hard R. I'm not a hard R kind of girl. I had permission. Okay.

I gave myself permission for the culture. But yeah, until one day, my friend Brian actually, Brian said to me, Jessica, don't call me that. And I was like, oh, whatever, neighbor. And he was like, no, Jessica, really don't call me that. That's not what I am. And I thought, holy shit, if I've offended my friend, you know, who really knows my heart and my soul,

like if I've offended him, what's going to happen when I go out in the world and say that to somebody who doesn't know my heart, who doesn't know me? So I never said that, you know, I never said that word again, you know, because I really, I really loved Brian. He was the first faggot I ever knew. That's Christ. My God.

Wow. Freedom of speech at the end there. That really is. It still exists under the new Biden administration, I guess. You could say whatever you want. Should we all say it together? Can we not? My mic's off right now.

I've never actually really called anybody that before. Oh, there you go. Jessica, you know America. Transplasm myself. There you go. So Jessica Lee Foster, remind us of everything about you. You've been on this show once before, right? Twice.

Twice. But it's been a long time. It's been a long time. I think it's the last time I was here was about a year ago. What happened on that show? What do we talk about? What do we make fun of? What do we find out about you?

I mean, we talked about my kid. We talked. You have a kid? I do. Is he black? He's half. Hell yeah. Yeah, he is.

Look at you. I knew it. Huh? Look at you. That makes sense. Yeah, she's got the whole. He's 18. He just went to college.

He's actually on a college campus. He's 18. Wait, wait, wait, what sport does he play? He doesn't play sport. What? I know, right? I know. Yeah.

He is half white. Exactly. He's studying architecture. Oh, wow. He's going to build that wall finally. And he went on full scholarship. I think we talked about the scholarship. You got a scholarship?

Yeah, he did. For what? Because he's half black. Probably. Who do you mean probably? I mean, I'm poor and a single mother and he's brilliant and beautiful. Oh, that's great.

Just one son? Just that kid. And so what happened? You were, you were. She was on Mari. 18 years ago in nine months, you got pounded by a black guy. Is that correct?

Is it a one night stand? Boyfriend? No, no, it was a boyfriend. Do you stick around for a while when you got pregnant? It's a very complicated thing. He was around. He was around when my son was,

you know, younger. But he is also the reason why we fled New York. So. Right. Where's that? Right. There exactly. All right.

So things got a little rough with them. They did get very rough. Right. Exactly. Well, that's a good thing that you got away. Yeah. And you've been away and happy ever since. Indeed.

And the 18 year old's doing great. He's going to college. Where's he going? He goes to, he goes to a college upstate New York. I want to say the name. Okay. No, that's perfect. Absolutely.

Is his name like American black or is it something like weak? And his name's Lucas. I almost, although I almost named him, I have my like lists of names. I almost named him Takai. Thank you. Yeah, something hard.

I did. He's like mom. Thank God. He's never been. You know why I named him Lucas? By the way. Because his father's. The federal last name, I'll be honest with you.

Johnson. Johnson's his last name. Lucas Johnson. Lucas Johnson. Is this your kid? He's my child. Does he play chess? That's a chess.

He does play chess. Chess name. He's actually, he's actually chess champion. Chess champion fucking nailed it. Lucas Johnson. You can tell things from the names. Yeah. Like I used to, I used to like in Ohio, for example,

but you know like who's a wrestler by their names. Like, you know, fucking, who are the guys? Oh, like we had two football players at our school. They were twin brothers, Colin and Kyle Brubaker, both linebackers that just smash you right over the middle, but they got ran over by Maurice Claret our junior year. That's a funny thing. I don't know what you can tell from this,

but my mother named me Jessica, J-E-S-I-K-A. No two S's? One S, one K. One S, one K. Wow. See your mom also. You get it. A little bit wider.

Single mother. Right. Single mother. Teenage mother. But she spells like one too. She smells like one. Spell. Spell.

Spells like one. So you were a teenage mother. Whatever. Yeah. How old? 16. I'm not good at math. I bet you were cute as hell.

I could see it. I could see how 18 years ago you were a cute little pug and then the work of having to raise, yep, sure. Sure it is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Totally still there.

Yep. And that was six years ago. And Redband wears a size 34 pants. Yeah. It's the nastiest thing you ever did with a guy in the bedroom. Let's talk about it. It wasn't in a bedroom. I had sex in a New York City cab going over the-

Actual sex? Over the bridge. Would you say that the sex was good or fair? I see you over there. The driver enjoyed it. That's how you don't get caught in New York. That's the perks of having a cab that always smells like interracial sex.

Oh, come on. When it's happening, you can't even tell. Why the hell is it interracial, Tony? Oh, you don't know? No. Yeah, you're from a different part. There's a whole different- I've never been in a cab before.

Moses knows what I'm talking about. He was in that cab. He's our interracial sex correspondent, Brian Moses. Live on this scene. So you had sex, actual intercourse, like insertion. So you're on top of him? Taxicab confession shoot. Going for the true taxi cab ride?

No, it was missionary. Missionary. So you're laying down- In the cab? Yes. Not cowgirl? Welcome to Ben Bailey's Gash Cab. I was a little embarrassed.

I wanted to hide my feet. Wait, wait. Was this a van? No, it was like one of those big sedans. Instead of the lights on the ceiling that go off, there's just cum dripping down everywhere. Oh, it's cash cab. Where's the guy?

He said gash washing. He kept looking in the rear of your mirror. Of course, he was- He was. He knew exactly what was going on. Right. Well, you think he touched himself? Did he please himself at all?

Oh, he totally jerked off. Really? Do you really believe that? Not while he was driving the car. Only I would do that. Afterwards. But yeah. Afterward.

You're saying that you made a deposit in his bank bank. Yes, absolutely. Okay. This is somebody's mother, by the way, guys. Yeah, it really is. This is incredible. Shout out to Lucas Johnson, your real kid. Racist name.

Sure. Why is it a racist name? It just sounds like a- Lucas, yeah. Do you know why he's named Lucas? Why? Because his father said, what about Lucas?

I said, let me think about it. Was it because the father sky-walked out on him? Why? You are not my son. But he suggested- I am not your father. I will beat your mother until you have to flee the state of New York. Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, that's a dead-ass Vader from New York. No, but his father said the name, and I said, what does the name mean? It means- He's like Darth Vader. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry. Doing impressions of your son's father.

Yeah. Of your baby dad dad dad. In 2002, right. Your baby dad, do you? Uh-huh. Yeah. So, go ahead. Why is he Lucas?

Anyways, Lucas means bringer of light. And then I decided, yeah, I like this. I like this name. So I told his dad, hey, it's going to be Lucas. And he said, oh, no, no, no. I talked to my mother, and she said, you can't name him Lucas, because there's a retarded cousin in the family named Lucas. And I said, oh, that's his name.

You're like, mom, but he's- Just to spite his mother, because she's an asshole. That's cool. Yeah, cool. Is his father Nigerian? His father what? Is his father Nigerian? Yes, what kind of African is his father?

Very American-African. American? Oh, African-American type, but they don't know what he is. New Yorkers, yeah. You ever talk with them anymore? You ever update them and stuff? You ever ask them for money? There's a restraining order.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Not a restraining order of protection. Okay. Okay. There's- it's not allowed. An OOP. An OOP, exactly. Other people's all poops.

OPP. I like OPC. That's what I like. Okay. Wow, that's an interesting signal. Wait, wait, wait. Was this guy a drug dealer? No.

No, we actually- we made- we- we rapped together. We did hip-hop music together. Oh, you guys are rappers? Yeah. In New York? Yeah. Guys, can we get some- can we get some bars from this trick? No, I have crippling anxiety, so I can't freestyle, but I can-

Oh, but you can do stand-up in front of nobody. Hi. It's different. It's really different. Do you have a fish tank? I'm getting fish tank energies from you. You know what? I need a fish tank.

I like fish tanks. You have some type of animal, a plant? I have a lot of plants. That's what I've been doing in this, you know, COVID times, is just buying plants. I'm very thankful that I'm allergic to cats or else my apartment would be fucking awful. Cats?

I'm allergic to them, so I got plants instead. Oh, okay. Because they don't make you sneeze. God, you're weird as fuck. Jessica Lee foster children. That is true. Jessica Lee foster. Yeah.

It's Australian for beer. And American for child abuse. How about now? What's your sex life like now? This is a very heavy sex episode. I thought, I really thought with my kid, you know, leaving the house that my sex life would improve vastly. How long ago did he leave the house?

In August. Of this year? Yeah. Oh, this just happened. Yeah. So, you know, it's the best thing that's happened is I've moved my vibrator into the living room. Wow.

Keep it, keep it fresh. You know, Kill Tony's audiences are usually 18 to 45. So just if Lucas is listening. Lucas doesn't listen to this shit. He's not listening. You know, he wouldn't listen. He's a smart kid. He's not a fan of comedy.

He was born without ears. Yeah. He doesn't have a sense of humor. He does have a great sense of humor. He does? He really does. And perfect comedic timing, this kid. Okay, sure.

You sound like one of those moms that brags about everything, but. I don't know, but I think it's probably big. How do you not know? You never saw it? I mean, I haven't seen his dick since he was like 11. Man, you're doing it wrong, mother. My mom saw my dick when I was just a little boy

and she still brags about it to everybody she meets. First thing she said to me, yeah. Have you seen Tony's dick? When he was like three, we'd gone on a road trip with some friends. And he got out, we all got out of the car to pee because it was a long trip. So he could. But he didn't have to get out of the car.

He just stayed in his seat and put it out the window. Pretty much. That's that Lucas Johnson. He's on the side of the road peeing. And my friend looks over at him. She's Jamaican and she looks over and she goes, Holy shit. My god, that boy got an anchor.

Yeah, he's got an anchor. So I'm pretty sure he's probably. And then she jerked that chicken. Didn't she? Yeah, he's kind of a dork. You know, she fucking Bob that Marley. Who? But no three.

We're talking about three year old. Yeah, we get it. She fucking Trinidad and Antibago. Okay, there she goes. Thank you so much. Jessica Lee Foster. There you go. There you go.

There you go. Oh my god. Longest episode. All right. Last one real quick. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian blank. Here comes Brian blank. My god.

I'm sorry. These interviews today too long. That's my fault. Brian blank. Oh, I like to make salmon for myself. I stay with me. I also like to put Arby's sauce on the salmon. Let's let's talk about Arby's sauce as a condiment for a second.

Arby's sauce goes well on everything. All right. Tastes amazing. Horsey sauce, not just fun to say, also tastes delicious. Are we are we closet Arby's fans? I know we're closet Arby's fans. I haven't been inside in Arby's in 15 years, but the drive through is always full, even pre COVID.

I think Arby's should change their name because Arby's sounds gross. I get it. I would never be in a group of friends and suggest that we go to Arby's. I think Arby's should change their name to luxury sandwiches. That is what they sell.

You cannot tell me that a Reuben on Marble Rye isn't a luxury sandwich. French dip, a French dip is so luxurious that shit comes with their own dipping sauce and that dipping sauce is pronounced as you. If I were to ask you, do you want? All right. Wow.

I think a lot of people are about to be surprised by what my review of this set is going to be. I think a lot of people are probably expecting Tony to go crazy because Tony talks about, you know, eating some decent foods in this world and this and that. But I'm going to tell you right now, I don't think out of everyone that has been, since we've been back to the comedy store,

since we have started re-shooting shows here for the past, what, three, four months, I don't think anybody has spoken more truth and straight down the barrel, honesty, you stuck with your guns. It's the horse of truth. That's the first time we've seen that in a while. And I agree with everything that you said.

Oh, there's more too. You take a chance. I mean, you took a chance and you absolutely committed to it. And I agree with everything. Arby's sauce is unbelievable. Horsey sauce is fucking God's gift to the world. The Broccoli Berry sauce. The first thing, I've known Tony for 13 years.

The first thing, literally, I was like, oh, this guy's weird. It's because he's like, are we going to Arby's? I love the horse sauce. So it's good. I don't remember that. It was one of the, yeah. No, it was one of the weirdest things you said.

I was like, oh, that guy's kind of weird because you love Arby's. Is that true? You really remember that? Yeah, you came down Rick Ingram and you were fucking going ham about how great it was because he was like, it's garbage. Well, you're like, no, no, no.

Have you had the Horsey sauce? Yeah, I'll argue Arby's to the death. Arby's sauce is incredible. And can I just say the quick tag real quick? Very, very quick. Sure. If Arby's does change it to luxury sandwiches, I would just be putting luxury sauce on my salmon.

And that sounds delicious. Yep, absolutely. You got it all the way through and through. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Like 11 years. 11 years and it shows. It absolutely shows because, you know, a lot of people do jokes and a lot of people do this

and that, but to really stay in the pocket on something that you believe in, it's an interesting part for these fans of this show that listen to it as real comedy fans. You know, that's an interesting thing that we don't really get to talk about enough is that, like for example, during that part, and I almost absolutely never make an audible sound during a comedian's set on this, but I did during yours.

Red Band did as well. And there's Moses here, all three of us just nodding along. You had our attention deep into a very long show. These interviews have been extremely long tonight. We had a couple of technical issues. And his mic's still up. And, but still, you had all of our attention in an incredible way and we've never met your senior before.

Yeah, I appreciate it. So the 11 years really shows. And people say, oh, 60 seconds, that's not enough time to do this, that's not enough time to do that. Meanwhile, you had us completely engage the entire time, talking about, of all things, Arby's. But you were saying the truth about Arby's.

A lot of people make bad diarrhea jokes about Arby's. Oh, Arby's, and then I pooped my pants. A lot of haters. Right. A lot of haters. Right. They got the same vibes with Chipotle. You know what?

I'm a Chipotle fan. I mean, Chipotle, same exact thing. Someone tried to tell me that Chipotle isn't healthy. I'm like, well, if you don't, if you order unhealthy shit anywhere. You have your queso on it. Yeah. So it's unhealthy.

You can make anything unhealthy. I'm not buying this with this fucking Adam Ray undercover as a fucking Arby's rep right now. I mean, this whole time I killed Tony so popular, fucking fast food reps are coming in here, advertising on your show right now. Yo, I mean, that's, I knew that someone told me I should do that joke.

I did that over Mike and someone's like, you should do that joke on kill Tony. And because they wanted to see you bomb. But you didn't because they obviously know that Tony secretly loves Arby's. And now it's not a secret. I guess. No, I just like his passion that he had with it.

It's true. It was a lot of passion. That's what I'm talking about. It's, it's passion on a subject that isn't, that it's the opposite of the easy lame joke, which is Arby's gives me makes my tummy hurt. I had to go poo poo and you, you're absolutely right. It's the things that everybody thinks

that nobody talks about. Those are the things that, uh, those are the things that make comedy great. No, you're, you're such a hard and comic at this point. Literally, this guy did a fucking monologue on Arby's there were no punchlines. He was just bigging up Arby's. You're like, this is gold.

It really is though. There doesn't need to be defined punchlines when the thing's funny. Yes. He was so, I think he was so comfortable on stage. You could tell that, that he's been doing comedy. You guys are starving.

That's what this sounds like right now. No, no, no. If the ice house was open, I would invite him. You can come to Joe Rogan's chuckle height next, next year for the death cross. Also fair enough. So we don't need punchlines on this show. Okay, cool.

Turn my mic back on. Turn my fucking mic back on. But it was a great change of pace. Okay, guys. All right, Joe, you know you have Instagram for validation, right? All right. Okay.

So wow, where do we even begin here? By the way, it's been a lot. It's not, it's not something that I even eat. I don't even eat Arby's that often. It's been years, I think. Actually, I do remember the last time it was the last. It was on our way home from Kill Tony Mania. Yeah, Joel actually would be performing

at the San Francisco no punch line all weekend. We had fucking, we had 4 a.m. You guys remember that? 4 a.m. Arby's coming back from Kill Tony Mania. That's right, it was, it was an Arby's inside of a gas station, also. And it was open. And I remember thinking, you were sitting next to me,

and I go, is that motherfucking Arby's open? And it was open. It was so open. I was just imagining you in a station wagon with him in the back. Hey, everybody, treat. We're getting Arby's tonight. You should see, you should see how we rolled

a San Francisco. Brinter van, it was cool. No, that was Vegas. We had beef and cheddar on the way home from Vegas. It was Vegas. No, it wasn't Vegas. It was 100%. No, I remember where it was.

He's going to turn this fucking car around, everybody. Shut up. I swear to God, it was Vegas. All right. Tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you. Uh, my brother's adopted from South Korea. I don't think people would, most people would know that.

Your brother's from South Korea? My brother's adopted from South Korea. I don't think most people would know that. Goodness. Wow. What's that like having a brother from South Korea? Long live the South. It's different.

So he's older. He's three and a half years older. They adopted him and then, because they didn't think they could have kids, and then they had me. So it was always, uh. Wow. And you sort of look South Korean.

How fitting. I think I look like a lot of things, man. I get that a lot. Yeah, absolutely. Mainly Adam Ray in disguise. Yeah. You definitely do look like Adam Ray. You look like Rick Moranis right after he got jumped.

Okay. So what's it like having a South Korean brother? Uh, I mean, we don't really talk. So I guess it's like. Oh, he's he only speaks South Korean. No, he's just not that cool. Family can't afford subtitles. Does he play video games a lot or something like that?

Is that why? Or is he into anime? No, he's just kind of a dick, man. He's just kind of like growing up. He was just a dick. He like, uh, like we played video games growing up. Jesus. Are you sure?

Because he made them. I mean, he just like, I had a dick. Man, he he cut me with a steak knife when we were playing. Oh my God. Are you sure this kid isn't North Korean? I mean, he's just kind of a dick, man. Like he's when he cut you with this, when he cut you with a steak knife to light you on fire

and like, uh, make it flambé or whatever. No. Okay. You ever been to Korean barbecue? Did he make you put it on the grill after he cut you open? He didn't do any of those things. Clearly there's only two people in the room that have been to Korean barbecue.

What is happening here? We don't eat that Tony. Did he put sliced onions on top of your wound? And then crack an egg on it. He didn't ask if I was okay. He didn't do anything. I'm killing with the two. Ryan J. Belt Moses are the only people.

Red bin. I had kimchi today. Yeah, you're on a sushi. When did you start dating her? Kimchi. A wrong, wrong time ago. Oh, shit. Also, Tony, I want to apologize.

I think it was San Francisco. All right. Thank you so much. That's great. We fucking care. That's great. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Kimchi, would you start dating her?

Get the. Okay. We are getting Joel neurological testing before next week's episode. All right. I can. So like, uh, I feel like I'm just going to tell a joke. That's not going to happen.

Let's just go on there. What are you going to do? You going to do a joke? Do a fucking joke? I was going to my brother. We don't get along. My dad is also kind of mean sometimes. So like from whenever we would go out to a restaurant.

Yeah, from the waiter's perspective, it didn't look like I was getting an argument with my brother. It looked like I was getting an argument with a friend of mine and it looked like my dad would always take my friend's side. Oh, that's hilarious from the waiter's side. Brian, stop being mean to June Ho.

Like that. Did you have a super South Korean name? Jared. So no. Jesus. Pretty much. That's pretty. You're the one that looks like Jared.

I guess. Oh man. Okay. All right. Well, I feel like my set went a lot better than the interview. It is about Arby's. We're hungry.

It's a good thing. It's a good thing. We're not hungry, Brian. We all ate pizza from delicious Vito's Pizza on Las Siena, just south of Santa Monica Boulevard. And some of us eat special delivery Pesto Pasta. Where is he? Oh, Charlie, do you think next week

you could bring some like Arby's Pasta? Arby's Pasta. Some roast beef stroganoff. All right, Brian. So much fun. We're running long here. We're going to get ready to come back again. Do another new minute soon.

We want to see more. Brian's like, thank you. What have we done? What have we done? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. We finally made it to the finish line. This is as exciting as it gets.

It is that time for our super regular. One of the most powerful men in all of stand-up comedy. I present to you once again, the goat himself, the great Michael Lehrer, everyone. Here we go. There's the shoes. Wow. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, it's really him. Wait a second.

Oh. Whoa. Wow. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. What an entrance. Magic.

Magic. Magic motherfuckers. Man, my body, I very much, my body is really fucking deteriorating quickly. I'm about to roll up on John Legend's house and be like, where's my fucking ice fucking money, motherfucker? I saw you do the challenge.

You beat my fucking ice fucking money. You know, fuck that. Put you and you guy in my book bag, the Emmy, the Grammy, the Oscar, and the Tony, all right? And whatever face lotion you're opening, pick up a wife using, I want that shit too. Look, I want to do an impression of every woman I've ever scorned. Come on.

Women have been responsible for every wonderful thing that's ever happened to me, and I've always been an asshole. I must have one dynamite there. Wow. What a work of art. I mean, just incredible from beginning to end. So much to talk about. Let's talk about it.

Brian Moses. I've been a million dollars in one of those indie guys pretending to be black. Real Kamala Harris, you got me. Yeah, a lot of people have said this. Yeah, one of the oldest end words are gonna bite you in the ass when people find out you're a slumdog millionaire. Wow.

This is the greatest rumor I've ever heard in my entire life. The Moses is an Indian man. By the way, a lot of Moses stand up comedy has to do with racial humor. You do say the n-word since the first set I ever saw you do. Yeah, I was screaming the n-word. Fucking Mrs. Sidney Marcello. Fuck this guy.

He's like, we didn't work the wheelchair guy. We took the closer. Hey, I wanted to talk. Let's do it. All right. Now, by the way, this is how an interview is supposed to go. This guy comes in and puts on his fucking show. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. And Brian beef is squash. I'm more black than you. And that means we're cool. All right. No, no, you just did to me. Now, my soul life, so focused in life is fourfold.

One, be the funniest motherfucker on the planet. Two, be a world champion of poker. Three, how might I sound when I have time? Four, be the biggest sexist disabled sexable that ever lived. That's why I'm dressed like this. There you go. I think the only thing you have to do is win a poker tournament. And whatever you said for number three that I couldn't understand.

It had to do with my son, but fucking. Oh, OK. Perfect. Yeah. But I had a wonderful week. I went to the most narrow bullshit cake museum ever. Cake museum? Yeah.

A museum of cake like the foods. It's called cake lane. It's in Chinatown. Now there's nothing worse than a gay abstract artist with a trust fund. Because I'm the first to say comedians aren't artists. I never say I'm an artist. But every time I go to a museum, I'm like, we might be the only artists. Because abstract art is bullshit.

All right. A fucking gay guy gets a trust fund and he's like, oh, let me take a cake and make it as big as a room. All right. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck that guy. How big is the cake? What kind of room are we talking about?

Big as a room, man. You ever seen this thing? Ryan J is the house artist. He's shaking his head now. Also, how big is this gay guy? That sounds scary, man. Dude, he's not that big. And I go breasting me for the cake.

And he goes, okay, and then he won. And now my asshole is not a virgin anymore. You're saying this gay artist raped you, man? No, because I lost the bat, the butt sex ones. We have a question coming in from William Montgomery. I'm going to take it just to see if this pans out. Yell it real good, William. Yeah, I just want to say we went to the museum.

It was a hell of a cake. Someone asked Michael what was wrong with him. I didn't realize he has hepatitis C. There you go. Wasn't worth it. Sometimes you take a creative risk. Well, the good thing about having such a serious disease like Lou Gehrig's is that all my hepatitis is appealing to a person.

Yeah, life is not a cake walk for you. No, it's a fall face first into the cake and try to make cake. And then the doctors have to pump frosting out of your lungs. Hold on. We have breaking news right now. David Lucas found out that there is a cake the size of a room and now it no longer exists. We're going to get back to the show.

This is great. I didn't know that Bobcat Goldway got ALS. Yeah, I've gotten that. Are you going at this guy again? He came at me first. He called you a fucking Indian, dude. He said inwards were going to bite me in the ass. Yeah.

Hey, you shove your Oscar over your ass, Dev Patel. You just called me Dev Patel. Dev Patel. Judd Apatow. Judd Apatow. Wow. That's actually insulting. That's actually worse than the n-word.

Yeah, you're right. Goddamn it, Michael. Come on. I was kidding. I called you Bobcat Goldway. You said you called me fucking Judd Apatow. No, I called you Dev Patel. I'm still running on your secret Indian.

He called you Deepak Chopra. Oh, that's not that bad. You called you Deepak Chopra? Deepak Chopra. Hey, I've been joking that didn't fit into my set. Let's do it. I'm a token too. Let's do it right now.

All right, thank you. I've only been a token for four years. But I love the pandemic. My dream was always to eat Denny's outside. Wow. Is there anything else, Michael? This is the longest episode in months. I'm sure there is.

I come fully loaded every week. No. Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. Everything him is at MichaelLairComedy.com. Tons of merch, skateboards, shirts, everything. MichaelLairComedy.com. And it's just a funny website. That's tonight's episode.

Oh, wait. Michael, just remember, he has another article of clothing to take off or something. What's going on? No, I got a new roast. Uh-oh. Look at that. Wow.

Poor joint. Look at that. My goodness. Did you roll that joint yourself? No, I can't sign my own name. I'm definitely not rolling joint. Yeah, that joint needs Roman. Yeah, you need Roman E.T.

Is that Mary Poppins joint? Yeah. This is the road slip in the age of Corona. Look at that. Magic. The joint has Lou Gehrig's disease, too. Wow. That's tonight's episode.

Let's look at the drawing from Ryan J. E. Right down the barrel. This is tonight's drawing. Jesus Christ, Ryan. Oh my God. He's out of control. He had a lot of time to put a lot of work in that. Jesus.

Yeah, you could tell it was the longest episode because that looks like that would take a regular artist months to do. He did it in merely two and a half hours. Ryan J. E. about everything's at ryanjeabout.com. How about a big hand for tonight's guest? The great Brian Moses. Brian Moses is on social media at Brian Moses for breakfast.

There you go. And he's the creator of Rose Battle, a lot of fun stuff. He's creating and working on here at the Comedy Store right now. And what else? Anything else? Every Friday, check out the Rose Battle on YouTube. We're right here at the Comedy Store Network. That's right.

I absolutely agree with that. And I come and I hang out on there quite a bit as well. We have some fun. And yeah. How about a big hand for the leader of the band, ladies and gentlemen, Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. He did it. He was here all night tonight.

Jeremiah's got a brand new special coming out in December. Tell us more about it, Jeremiah. December 8th comes out on Amazon Prime. You can get it pre-ordered now on my website, jeremyowatkins.com. You should check out my podcast. You haven't tried it out in a while. Jeremiah Wonders got a lot of new episodes. And Jeremiah, stand up on social media.

Love you guys. Thank you for your support. My goodness gracious. I mean, when you talk about a performance tonight, I mean, just incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big hand for Darlene, everybody? It's Jetski Jesse Johnson. Silent but deadly, locked and loaded.

What's going on, Jetski? Tony, I have a Zoom show for Ohio State at the end of the month. And I'll post about it on my Instagram where you can find the link to that. What do you mean? What do you mean for Ohio State? It's a Zoom, Ohio State is going to be watching, but anybody can go to the link and watch it.

It's on Zoom. You're doing a comedy show for the Ohio State University? Yes. Well, let me tell you right now, before you do that, from now on, when you plug it, you say the Ohio State University. That's the actual name. Now, everybody always laughs. It's the actual, no, this is true.

They copyrighted this like hundreds of years ago. It's the name of the school is the Ohio State University. Well, I would have looked like a big idiot because my opener was high Ohio State. Well, good. Good. You would have looked like a big idiot if that was the name of the school too. So we saved you there.

Jetski Johnson also has handmade ornaments that she makes herself, boxes herself and ships them out herself. All of those are available at JetskiJohnson.com. Guys, on the base all night tonight, the incredible stylings of Chroma Chris, everyone. You're well, Tony. Really got rid of my red, white and blues from this week, if you know what I mean.

But hey, Tony, you guys can all check me out. Chroma Chris, I have a couple of new YouTube videos. I got the Orange Jam sponsor video, and I also got a jamming the van video from Dracking the Swamp Rats out right now. Fan fucking tastic. And that's it. That's everybody.

Hey, everyone, check out, check out. You're right, you're right. It is everybody. Now, here he is. It's Jolberg Joel Jimenez, everyone. He's back there. He's the drummer. He's the backbone of the band.

He's the, we are having a Spina Bifida tonight, by the way, if he is the backbone. Guys, it's been rough times. You know, have fun. All you got is your friends to have your back. You know, everything's good. If you want to have a good time, just trust your friends.

We'll have your back. That's it. I got the mostly sorry podcast I had Jetski on this week. Shout out to Ludwig Drums, one of the biggest drum companies in the world. That's fine though. You know, all my friends, they just cut her back. Let's all laugh together.

You fucking idiots. Peace. There you go. He's Jolberg Joel Jimenez. Check out desk squad.tv. Check out brothers and cursive. If you like David and William, we have a podcast we do. And we also have a great Patreon.

That's really awesome. Thanks a lot, guys. And don't forget, never stab your friends in the back when you're trying to work, you know. The last person you would expect to fuck up your friends. Job is your friend. Right. They respect your friends.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying. What I've been saying this whole time. I'm taking them on the December off. That's for sure. And big announcements are coming. Big changes are coming. Massive, massive changes to the show are coming.

You're going to want to stay tuned. All good though. All positive. Really, really positive. It's going to take the show to the next level. Yeah. Just remember that red band and I for over almost eight years have had your best interests at heart.

And we will continue to do that just like we always have. So stay tuned. Exciting change is coming. Good night.